Thex Factor

Thex Factor - Final - 'Come into the world, spice up your life'

2011-12-31T03:44:00.000-08:00

1. LITTLE MIX - For a first time ever, a group win. But not just any group, one of those hastily-assembled boot camp groups. But not just any hastily-assembled boot camp group, no, in a bizarre twist ropey girl band Little Mix have won. You have to feel a little sorry for all the sluts in Hope, Addictiv Ladies, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain and the ropily-named ropey girl band Girl Band.

2. MARCUS - Oh how I loved his Hey Ya. It came with geek glasses and a giant plane. But it wasn't enough to beat the girls. I think their cover of Silent Night was the winner - 3 of the girls looked and sounded lovely and the fat one looked like a stuffed turkey. The chins, the chins! It was just all so christmassy.
(Fact fans: Alexandra and Little Mix sang Silent Night and won. Their runners-up were JLS and Marcus sang, who both sang Last Christmas. Badly.)

3. AMELIA - I was worried Amelia would win, what with her being an underdog and not being a *bad* singer. Her duet with Kelly was pretty cool also. I think it was only fair that she didn't win, since she'd already been eliminated. And at least she was a better sport about it this time. Well done for conquering the stinkface, woman!

Thex Factor - Final - 'Who run the world? Girls!'

2011-12-31T03:43:00.000-08:00

A giant plane
Could not secure victory
Ropey girl band wins?

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – ‘Mother, mother, there’s far too many of us crying’

2011-12-31T03:01:00.000-08:00

1. AMELIA LILLY – I loved her Disney Princess Avril cover. I liked the exaggerated whispering most – as if she was talking to her friendly, talking crab or woodlouse.

2. MISHA B – I liked her Disney Villain Pink cover far less. She looked exactly like Ursula the sea witch. Was Ursula the sea witch meant to be black? Thoughts on a postcard, please.

3. LITTLE MIX – Their Motown cover was wretched and sealed their fate as the worst vocalists ever to win this show. (Oooh! Three-week late spoiler!) But their Beyonce cover of If I Were A Boy was so full of pleasant wailing, it was bursting at the seams. Jesy really felt the song – possibly because she can benchpress more than a boy. Because she’s fat. I hope she reads this and it inspires her to lose some weight. Or at least to shut up about being fat.

4. MARCUS – Oh how Marcus has slumped! Last place again! His My Girl cover was sung well but completely weird as we know he is a great big bender. The fact he was so clearly ‘acting’ at being ‘normal’ made it all very West End. The other song was so shit, even the judges said so and Gary had to admit Marcus had a cold. ‘Can You Feel It?’ We could not.

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – 'Stop!'

2011-12-31T03:00:00.000-08:00

Marcus sang to girls
Amelia yelled to sing
Misha B turned up

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'If lovin' you's wrong, then I don't wanna be right'

2011-12-08T11:38:00.001-08:00

1. AMELIA LILY – Her T’Pau cover was a bit weird. And her Kelly Clarkson was a bit shouty but she didn’t have an awful performance so she comes out fighting in first place.

2. JANET – Now I thought Janet’s cover of that obscure song Under the Bridge by that obscure band Red Hot Chili Peppers was fab. But her Mmmbop (complete with in-mouth vomit, forgotten words and 13 year old boy voice breaking) was maybe the worst of the season. Between RHCP, Hanson and Sixpence None The Richer, it’s clear Janet really likes her 90s dorm pop, doesn’t she? She’s a 30 year old American bisexual trapped in a teenage Irishwoman’s body

3. LITTLE MIX – they horrified with their horrific Bieber cover. They amazed with their amazing Xtina cover. I like that the fat one with self esteem issues cried. Well played, fat one with self esteem issues, well done.

4. MISHA – Her first performance was very shrill and was the crazy ass, Tulisa-threatening Misha we came to love even after we were told not to. Her second was sluggish and dull. I was amazed she made it through after all this.

5. MARCUS – Marcus had his first stinky week with no good performance. His guilty pleasure track was well sung I suppose but I had to look up what song he did. (It was Wham!) His Stevie Wonder song was so dull and so out of tune however. I’m not sure why he was given such a tongue bath. Maybe the judges want another male winner after the sterling sales of Joe McElderry.

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'I'm good at being bad'

2011-12-08T11:36:00.001-08:00

Janet Devlin is gone
Somewhere Vickers removes pins,
Laughs so viciously

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Let's all go the lobby!'

2011-12-05T13:17:00.000-08:00

1. LITTLE MIX – They did one of my favourite songs. And they sounded good! There’s never any harm in a bit of En Vogue. I love when the X Factor has 90s RnB. Like when Eoghan did Mariah. Or Alexandra unbroke my heart. This is the new direction for Little Mix, I’ve decided. Next week they should do The Boy Is Mine and punch each other.

2. JANET – The Irish beauty/The celtic bore took on Kiss Me – another one of my favourite songs. And a dear friend’s wedding song. It is not boring but it is predictable. She sounds exactly like Vickers and Goulding who in turn sound exactly like Sixpence None the Richer because they spent their impressionable years listening to Kiss Me like I did.

3. AMELIA - tried a rocked out version of Aretha. Well rocked out in the way that One Direction used to rock out, so that every song sounds like Since U Been Gone. I can’t get over how rough and hard and old Amelia looks. Is it from botox or daddy issues?
In other news, Tulisa didn’t think that Think is a well-known song because she doesn’t know it. Surely Think is better known than any N Dubz song? Or any Joe McElderry song?

4. MARCUS - I was told he was doing a song from Sister Act. I was desperately looking forward to Hail Holy Queen or My Guy. Either would have been hilarious. Instead, he tried one of Steve Brookstein’s signature songs. The gospel choir are fun as is the pink suit but the song bores me profoundly. And the staging makes Marcus look very West End.

5. MISHA B – Manchester’s favourite bully bleated a Jennifer Hudson impression of a Whitney Houston song. It’s a little like when you photocopy something twice and the ink gets thinner and you pick up lots of little black specks that weren’t there to start with.

6. CRAIG – When they announced Craig was taking on Bond, I wrote in my notes ‘A bond classic? Goldfinger? Could he get gayer? Oh wait. It’s gladys knight. Much butcher.’
Kelly praised him for always bringing a vocal. Is the bar set that low? Well done for turning up and singing rather than filling out a tax return.

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Who cares what picture you see!'

2011-11-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

Watching these losers
Sing all my favourite songs:
Kiss feels like a punch

Thex Factor - Queen and Lady Gaga - 'Don't be a drag, just be a queen'

2011-11-19T12:18:00.002-08:00

1. Marcus – that was ridiculously good. Though I have to worry about him always wearing suits and having a quiff up front and a harem of male dancers behind. It reminds me too much of Ray Quinn. He’ll end up in a touring production of Grease and it’ll be his own fault!

2. Amelia – I still have her absurd cover of Billie Jean on my Ipod. She was unlucky to be voted off the first week so Ihave no great issue with her coming back. The yelping near the end was very off so she misses out on top place just this once. Also shes just so hard.

3. Janet – lovely and not as boring as they said. I liked the yelping and it was infinitely more in tune than her so-scary-she’s-a-stalker’s-stalker cover of The Police.

4. Little Mix – When I used to blog at length, I would write about the contestants’ VTs. I don’t have the energy to do that again this year as I’d have to concentrate when Marcus and Craig witter on about nothing. But I do want to mention the girls’ VT as it featured a rank-looking goat curry made by Tulisa. I love that she makes goat curry and ting.
Little Mix’s Gaga cover rocked as they’re not afraid to sound a bit wonky and whore around. Which is the secret to a Gaga performance. Well done girls!

5. Misha B – I did not enjoy this slowed-down dulled-up Gaga cover. I want Misha with the extreme hair and make up and shrill wailing. I didn’t care it made her look like a bitchy alien. This full-voiced frizzy-haired woman is no fun. Louis compared her to Chaka Khan or Jackie Chan – it wasn’t clear.

6. Craig - A ballady Gaga. A boringy Gaga too. Craig should’ve camped it up like last week. Or sung an actual ballad like You and I or Queen’s The Show Must Go On.

7. Kitty - the only Queen song I definitely don’t like. Yuk! Her enunciation is no better than Goldie’s. I guess it’s just less funny because she’s not Chinese. It was her time to go.

Thex Factor - Queen and Lady Gaga - 'All we hear is Radio Gaga'

2011-11-19T12:18:00.001-08:00

Janet Devlin slayed
Technical issues delayed
Pink haired ho returned

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'It's not over, not over, not over yet'

2011-11-12T02:57:00.000-08:00

1. Marcus - Reet Petite was pretty cool. Except for all the references to SHE being fine.

2. Misha - I miss the crazy Gaga Grace Jones make up but she still has a good voice.

3. The Risk - I thought the white singers and the verses were good. But that left a lot of not-so-good. I didn't think they deserved to go but I'm not crying into my porridge.

4. Little Mix - it took me a good minute and a half to work out what song this was. Damn you Rihanna and your five similar hits a year!

5. Craig - his DJ Sammy cover was passable and in tune. He should've done the candelight mix though.

6. Kitty - she's very nasal and stilted this week. She sings like a French exchange student. It's in English but it's a series of sounds, not words.

7. Janet - there was bogling and mind-boggling hair. Like she'd just bought some straighteners from Superdrug but the manual was in Polish. It was all very wedding singer-y. And she was singing about girls too. The big lezzer!

8. Johnny - He tried the old Wagner trick of singing two songs. It got him eliminated.

9. Frankie - all I wrote in my notes was 'the vest, eww'

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'I got the power!

2011-11-12T02:56:00.000-08:00

Club classics week. Sigh
It did not make me dance much
It made me seasick

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'I'm a motherfucking monster'

2011-11-05T12:20:00.001-07:00

1. Misha B – She’s bold. She bullies. She bottom two’d it up real nice.

2. Craig – I liked the drums with fiery rain. I can’t remember his performance that well now. I think he may be the new Joe McE.

3. Sophie – She wisely chose to whisper most of it.

4. Kitty – she had a Catherine wheel. The week before Bonfire Night. Mistimed, if not misjudged.

5. Little Mix – in descending order, I liked the staging, the make up, the song choice. Oh and the performance last.

6. Janet – she is not showing off the best of her voice.

7. Marcus – mash up respect bootleg alert! Perhaps he did one as a tribute to Cher Lloyd - the queen of the mash up respect bootleg.

8. Johnny – this should have been girlier but it was fine.

9. Frankie – I’m not sure whether I preferred the very loud backing vocals or the Chas & Dave accent.

10. The Risk – Charlie should do all the singing. Accidents like this happen when he doesn’t

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'Show me your teeth'

2011-11-05T12:13:00.001-07:00

They all got dressed up
Alexandra tran style rules
Tulisa's ears - yuk

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I know it's only rock n roll'

2011-10-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

1. Misha B - this was not as good as Beautiful Spanish Ruth but it was the performance of the night

2. Johnny - this was brilliant and mad and excellently sung. The other 10 were not. Johnny is, was and shall forever be

3. Kitty - she is not as bonkers as she could still be but this was brilliantly sung

4. The Risk - Gnarls Barkley is not rock

5. Craig - this was not boring but it was not as good as Leona's cover of the same. Progress at least

6. Janet - this is not interesting any more

7. Frankie - it is not easy ranking this douchebag so high

8. Sami - Cher is not to be covered like this

9. Sophie - big notes are not her friends

10 Marcus - dancing with girls is not the same as being straight

11. Rhythmix - Ke$ha is not rock. This was not good

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I wanna rock, ROCK, rock, ROCK'

2011-10-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

Bullies were called out
Barlows were nasty, spiteful
Best show by a mile

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'I learned the way to break a heart'

2011-10-22T04:35:00.000-07:00

1. Kitty - funny and weird and excellently-staged, if not sung, Kitty ruled the night

2. Johnny - at least he made me laugh

3. Janet - at least she made me smile

4. Rhytmix - last week, I liked the ropey boy bands. This week it's the girl turn to be better than they really should

5. Misha B - A Charles & Eddie cover? If I tweeted, I'd just write #wtf. What will she do next week? Chaka Demus and Pliers?

6. The Risk - the new favourites to win are just a bit boring for my tastes

7. Sophia - the new underdog to win was just a bit boring for my tastes

8. Sami - her career ambition is to be a loose woman. Her ambitions are smaller than
most, but still unattainable

9. Marcus - Gary needs to choose a direction for Marcus fast, not just give him recent hits to sing reasonably well

10. Craig - fat like Sami, gay like Marcus but even less fun than both. That's a sad tale

11. Nu Vibe - I think they are little better than Frankie but they were never going to last. No great loss

12. Frankie - I have never liked this man or any of his performances. But I like that he almost made Goo Goo Dolls reach #1. Maybe that's why God has let him stay another week

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'Love hurts'

2011-10-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

I watched the show drunk.
It wasn't any better,
Only confusing.

Can you name every X Factor finalist every year?

2011-10-15T04:42:00.001-07:00

I could name all but three with help.

I forgot Beverley Trotman, Lloyd Daniels and (ouch) James Michael from a week ago.

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

2011-10-08T14:04:00.001-07:00

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'Put on the red light'

2011-10-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

Loving the shock twist
Hating Amelia’s hair
She looks like a ho

Rankings to follow

Thex Factor - Judges' Homes - 'Hey hey, hey, on the beach, on the beach'

2011-10-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

Gary made some bad calls.
Kelly likes teenage slappers
But not the obese.

Thex Factor - Boot camp - 'No alarms and no surprises'

2011-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Of course Janet ruled
And of course Goldie bemused
And Louis Louis-ed

Thex Factor - Auditions 6 & 7 - 'We can make a freakshow'

2011-09-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Scally boy wowed all
Expelled from 3 schools, he says
Read: given lines once

Ceri came back again
Not as funny the fourth time,
Now she’s clearly ill

Thex Factor - Auditions 5 - 'Oh we got trouble'

2011-09-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

A haiku about last night's episode which blurred in my mind so much with the day before's episode that my haiku can't get too specific

Winner is awol.
So’s Gary Barlow’s boss eye,
Tulisa’s last name

Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And I'm like fuck you'

2011-09-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

A haiku about last night's 'why don't you audition on your own' drama that happens every year:

She felt so guilty,
had to leave her friends behind.
Then sang 'Forget You'

Ha!

Thex Factor - Auditions 3 - 'Spend your life in sin and misery'

2011-09-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

They liked Master Tub,
Sent the aged rocker through.
This does not bode well.

Thex Factor - Audition 2 - 'Your looks are laughable, unphotographable'

2011-08-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

A recap in haikus...

Old Gay troubled me
A glimpse of my future self?
Let us all pray not

SuBo set the trend
You have to be dead ugly
To stand a chance here

Thex Factor – Audition 1 - 'You can't stop lookin' at me'

2011-08-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

In the world of twitter, and riots arranged by messages no longer than a sentence, it seems illogical to write essays on each episode that are thousands of words long.

Plus I now have a very profitable sideline making cantalopue body butters and thrush cream out of tree bark.

So instead I offer to you, faithful fans, far shorter but no less snarky recaps.

* Tulisa off of N Dubz is so famous she doesn’t need a last name. Like Cher. Or Beyonce. Either that or the producers can’t spell or pronounce her last name.

* I liked Janet, the mini-Vickers, and her Ellie Goulding cover. But then I am a sucker for coos and yelps and pleasant wailing. A lot of fuss was made about her shyness. How long do we have to wait to find out about her secret record deal?

*Liam showed his bum and it was hard to tell whether it was pixelated or whether he doesn’t have a crack or hair like any normal person. I also enjoyed the domestic abuse/incest banter he had with Gary Barlow about showing grandkids his bum. It was the best domestic abuse/incest banter I think we’ve ever had on this show.

* Kitty reminded me a lot of Katie Wasshole from last year. The sitting on stage. The ugliness. The weirdness.

* There was a Tai Chi instructor who vomited offstage then whored around on stage. I liked how she gave Louis Walsh a bit of a lapdance. She didn’t want to treat him any different to a real man. Good for her.

* Scumbag auditionee George ‘attacked’ Tulisa. This was all staged, from the moment Tulisa glared at George and said ‘I know you’ even though he was shown for about a minute two years ago. But it still had the possibility that actual blows would be dealt. Do you remember George from a few years ago? He was in an N-Dubz style band who were very much against thuggery. Then they threw a mic and were rude. This year, he said he was a changed man and lacked the temper. Then loomed over the judges, shouted and called Tulisa a scumbag who couldn’t replace Cheryl, even though Tulisa’s criminal record is probably far cleaner than Tweedy’s. People’s favourite Dermot then shouted ‘watch yer mouth’ a lot in a way that was far more threatening than anything George did. It was so confusing – you didn’t know the scumbags were and who the virtuous ITV employees were.

Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Finale - 'It's the final countdown, de de doo doo'

2010-12-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It was the x factor final. Twice.
One act left on Saturday, which I guess made that the semi final. Then on Sunday, three went down to two then to one. Which I guess made that both a semi and a final. It was all quite the event. Waissel came back and got fewer cheers than the also-back Wagner.

2. There were celebrities and they duetted
Take That sang the same song they did a few weeks ago. Christina and Rihanna also turned up. I wrote in my notes:
‘Xtina
Big slut
Rihanna
Big slut also.’
Sometimes I don’t feel the need to expand on my notes when they’re just so articulate.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT CARDLE – He won
We see him crying in Essex then singing Dido – a song where sounding slightly whingey is good because it’s better than sounding bored. God I forgot how much I liked this song. I don’t think I’ve listened to it since 2001. Wait that’s not true – I listened to it in 2004 when I got lost in some woods. On minidisk no less!
There are weird catholic nuns in the background playing strings Or maybe theyre klan members Regardless they wear weird capes and add little to the performance.
Next up is his celebrity duet. Apparently she wanted to sing with him – oh please she wanted to sell some records and they’d only let her perform her new stuff if she did a ropey duet. From the first note, we all know it’s Rihanna and the audience scream because they’re excited she’ll be on stage. And not because of the imminent poorly changed lyrics. I’m sure Matt gets his Hes and Shes mixed up a few times. In other news, he’s suddenly knock kneed and keeps putting his hand in his mouth. She looks like Jessica rabbit. And no offence but they’re not evenly matched – Matt is a much better singer even without trying. Still it’s better than the others.
For his last song before the voting, Matt decides to get conjunctivitis. Seriously, why are his eyes also so red and glassy and weepy? He sings Firework, which is a paper thin song. It’s all echoey but everyone better than Katy Perry I suppose. He also wears yellow trousers. The whole thing seemed like self-sabotage (or Cowell-led sabotage) to me but he still won.
Last we see him sing Biffy Clyro. I wish that made more sense with hindsight but it doesn’t it. Biffy Clyro have the Christmas #1 fact fans! And we have only the second X Factor winner’s song ever that’s not at least 60% about winning the X Factor.

2. REBECCA – Second place
I can’t be arsed writing much about the others. Mainly because they’re losers. I’ll be brief:
Rebecca’s first song was a Corinne Bailey Rae cover. She refused to move or open her eyes. The whole affair was as boring as it sounds.
Next time the world’s worst duet with Christina. The first half was find when Rebecca purred in her unbothered way. Then Christina shouted and appeared to have five chins. Rebecca then gave up singing altogether. A few weeks too late.
On Sunday night, I ate my words as Rebecca suddenly became Grace Jones. It was ace. She sang the Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams and harnessed both her corpse-like coolness and Dido-like halfsinging to create the perfect pop performance. Seriously, it was ace.
Lastly, she sang Duffy and, to copy and paste, the whole affair was as boring as it sounds.

3. ONE DIRECTION – Third place
This was a bit of a shock as I was convinced they’d come at least second. They had the Irish vote, the Asian vote, the Granny vote, the Pity vote and the Feeder vote all sewn up between them. But alas Matt’s much better voice and Rebecca’s constant weeping and supposedly better voice was too much for them.
I can’t remember what they sang first at all. Maybe it was Torn? They certainly sang that at least once and it was fine. They also did a strange cover of Your Song which was not as dramatic as the Moulin Rouge version, nor as simple as the original, nor as intimate as Ellie Goulding’s. It was a strange mix of all three and not in the dope mash up way that Cher Lloyd is fond of.
They also did some karaoke with a coked up Robbie Williams. All six of them shouted along and swayed grinned and it was sweet but hardly worth acclaim. He ended their performance by grinning and shouting ‘One Direction – phone in.’ I wished he’d done a Freudian slip and said ‘phoned it’ but it did not happen.
They didn’t get a fourth song because they were voted off. Too bad, so sad.

4. CHER – The biggest loser
Now recently outed by Louis and Sinitta as the twattiest contestant ever, even Cher knew she wouldn’t make it to Sunday.
She performed her weirdest dope mash up yet – the 60s playground chant The Clapping Song mixed with Get Ur Freak On. Neither parts made sense as a modern performance (especially as Cher’s name is not Missy, as so many of the lyrics demand). Together, it made even less sense.
Next was a lifeless duet with Will.I.Am. Need I write that this was a medley? No. You knew it. All four have record deals (allegedly) so it doesn’t really matter that Cher came last and Matt won. It will only become an issue when nobody wants to buy Cher’s records.

Thex Factor - Semi Finals - 'It's Not Over Yet'

2010-12-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is the semi final
And oh it’s dramatic. Losing isn’t an option and they want it so bad, the contestants tell us. Matt says they only have this one opportunity to be successful. Unless you’re a real pop star in which case you have a series of opportunites failures and comebacks

2. It is dance and manipulative ballad week
I can’t think of a better way to describe this loose theme. Dermot calls it ‘dancefloor blockbusters’ and ‘a song to get them into the final.’ Or in Cher’s case, a RIGGED vote will do it. That’s if you believe the tabloids.

3. There are guest performers
The Glee cast are autotuned. The Black Eyed Peas perform a terrible dance track. Alexandra Burke looks like a man. I'm not sure which of these statements is the most surprising.

Here comes the rankings, this time with teacher’s comments

1. REBECCA – This is very good for you. Good girl.
In VT one, Rebecca makes out she’s born on a big journey since her audition. She’s gone from staring at the floor to keeping her eyes clamped shut and looking like a big corpse. She then talks gushingly about people spending phone credit voting for her. Oh how the other half live! Everyone I know thinks in ‘minutes,’ not ‘credit.’
She’s singing Show Me Love by Robin S. Ace! Her voice suits it even if it is a little dreary. Cheryl Cole sampled this for the Brits so it’s obviously a firm favourite for the former thug. I wouldn’t say Rebecca dances – or even sings it uptempo – but there is lots of dancing going on around her. Though confusingly the dancers wear black, which makes the whole thing a bit funereal. She looks miserable and does silly high notes. What else is new?
Simon looks pleased and says she’s cool and controlled. Or cold and dull. Thank god the second performance was better. If a little cold and still quite dull.
Next we hear she’ll sing a beautiful song that touches everyone. Special, special, special, they say. There’s talk we’re all going to weep. Iris is played as the VT backing music – I so hope she does Iris but I know it’s unlikely.
She sings Amazing Grace. Its lovely and I sit and drink and listen and don’t type. Until some silly high notes spoil it and I type ‘silly high notes.’ Still, she was the best on a weak night.

2. MATT – You can do better. Try to focus and watch your handwriting
In VT one, we see a few seconds of his wonderful Moody Blues cover. He then says ‘Check out where I am now’ and destroys her painter everyman image quite egregiously. There is then VT drama about his illness – and shots of his Mum bringing him hot drinks. See, times like this living at home is more ‘ideal’ than he had claimed. We then see him mising all his rehearsals – lying in sweaty sheets, listening to his ipod. Ha!
He sings You Got The Love – by that really interesting artist who you’ve probably not heard of, Florence and her Machine. His voice sounds girlish and faltering. It is unclear what effect this mystery illness is having for that reason. He’s playing an electric guitar that’s not plugged in. His eyes are red and watery again. The big notes will not be as impressive – he sounds a bit drunk. Still better than Rebecca’s first performance and subtler than Mary.
SC bitches he had a cold too – and didn’t go on and on about it
In his second VT, he looks no less sweaty in every shot. The second song will be very romantic, which is his strength. I think after tonight looking sweaty is his new strength.
He sings She’s Always a Woman , or the John Lewis song. I love the song so and it’s such a shame he has a cold. It’s also a shame the song involves lots of quick singing and less manly growling or iffeminate wailing. It doesn’t suit him much. He looks bored and a little pissed. He’s either very out of time or not discussed the arrangement with whoever’s playing the piano. It just goes from bad to worse very quickly, much like Konnie Huq’s presenting or Liam Payne’s purging.
Louis says he’s ‘so going through’ and is clearly encouraging the public to assume he’s safe. CC saw the stinkface but blames his illness and Simon says it was his worst song ever. That does not help the stinkface. I still hope and believe Matt will win but he will need to get the housewives blubbing next week and do his best girlish wailing next week for that to happen.

3. ONE DIRECTION – A little hit and miss. Please try to be consistent
In VT one, Zain gropes Harry and has his hand batted away. Ha! They kept this secret well. Everyone’s gaydar was pointed at the Irish one. Zain is also very excited to meet Joe McElderry. The plot thickens.
They sing Rihanna. With poorly changed lyrics? Of course. Liam looks more like a dyke than Rihanna ever could. It’s a strange choice to cover a song that was performed on the show only a few weeks ago.
Cheryl felt the same – and thought it was strange to compete with a song that’s still top ten. You know if they’d done Promise This, she wouldn’t have a problem. In hindsight, their Rihanna cover wasn’t great but at least it wasn’t as painful as the others below this.
In VT two, the dead relative card is played. I think we are very briefly shown a picture of Zain with his family, one of whom is now dead. Poor Zain missed rehearsals to grieve.
The performance of Chasing Cars was bloody dull. Even for a performance of Chasing Cars. I wrote nothing about it and had only bored thoughts throughout. I think at one point I pumiced my heels and wanted to apply some ladies’ lotion.
Dannii used the word ‘classy’ instead of bloody dull but I think we can read between the lines there. She wants to keep her job.

4. MARY – Good try
She tells us that in the bottom two, she sang with every bit of passion that God gave her. Note she doesn’t claim that God gave her any talent. This is progress.
She says, regarding her dancefloor blockbuster, she wants people to bop along at home and she wants to act like she’s in a disco. She’s so unhip, even for a checkout lady.
She sings Never Can Say Goodbye – wearing a horrendous sparkly dress, almost as bad as the ones being sold on The Apprentice the other week. Her hollering is okay but I’m not going to get excited. I think the gay dancers prancing around her have the country’s quota of excitement
Dannii says Mary has her mojo back – haven’t they been saying that for weeks? Does the mojo leave and come back every week, like an attention seeking child that keeps running away?
Simon calls Louis gay and Louis says no, you are. In equally insipid news, the judges like Mary. I do a little bit more but not enough.
For her second introduction, Louis tells us she’s going to sing her heart out and she needs votes. Ha! It’s quite an achievement to fit so much pity praise into a two sentence introduction.
I was busy pity voting for Matt so I missed the beginning of Marys performances. But, professional blogger that I am, I rewound and watched it from the beginning
I kind of regret this. She sings The Way We Were – I much preferred when they sang it during Sex and the City. It was less shouty then.
She cries at the end. Oh Mary, you ignite my inner cynic so. I call so much bullshit about this crying. (Plus, it doesn’t even work as Mary is given the boot the next night after a shouty James Brown cover.)
Dannii says she looks gorgeous and Mary then seems to pull out a dead parent card. How many of that card are in the deck?

5. CHER – This is not good enough
There is much business in VT one with her Nan. Her Nan is suspiciously young, even for someone as scal as Cher. And, also, where is Mum?
There is then lots of stuff about how she’s not really cocky. When she stomps around stage snarling, it’s not because she’s an arse, she assures us – it’s just an affectation. Good to know.
She sings the less good B.O.B. single – the one about beautiful girls. It doesn’t really work when a girl sings it. And even less well when Cher does. I like the manga little miss Disney princess voice but I’m not sure how well that fits with her ‘street’ image. The bells are clanging more than ring a dingin. She keeps saying Hello in a Dick Van Dyke accent for no discernible reason. That’s better than yelling JERUSALERRRRM but also much less funny.
In VT number two, we learn song number two is emotional. In fact, she’s never known a song that has brought out such emotions in her. Apart from that song that made her weep. Twice. Apparently it really defines where she is in this competition.
The judges worry about the song choice and think she’ll be compared to the original. I heard a rumour she’s doing Fight for This Love. I said this last week but someone urgently needs to cover All I Wanna Do.
Turns out she’s not covering a judge or singing a song with any real emotion to it. She’s singing Love The Way You Lie, which is not so much a song as an excuse to get Rihanna on your comeback to sell more records.
The high notes are pretty rough and the big stage draws attention to how limp this song is. Also, what does it have to do with her X Factor dreams?
Dannii says she only liked the singing towards the end – possibly because it was about to end. She also thought a ballad would have milked more votes. Cheryl admits they’re not really competing anymore. Which might be why Cher ended up in the bottom two. Again. She has the advantage of being less unmarketable than Mary, and sings her Britney song with her usual High School Musical inflections better than Mary shouts, so she stays in.
There will be four people in the final, if Cher bothers to show up. She must know she can’t win

Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Rock Week - 'Hey, Hey, I Wanna Be A Rockstar'

2010-12-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

1. It is Rock week
And nothing says rock like special guests The Wanted. Wtf. The Wanted attempt a big performance with fireworks and dodgems. And it just looks a bit dangerous rather than exciting. Also, they’re very hobbity. And there is no mention of how one of them was on this show and was disqualified. Ask the tough questions, Dermot.

2. If only it was just The Wanted
We must also watch Justin Bieber – who is shrill and unpleasant. Oh and looks like Liam Payne from One Direction, but even more lesbian. And we must deal with a bunch of lies about Nicole Scherzinger. We are told she is one of the world’s biggest popstars. Even in her PCD heyday, that has never been true. We are also told this is her first solo single. When she’s already had a flop debut called Baby Love. And a duet with Enrique. And didn’t she sing Jai Ho on her own. I like the drag styling and dancing but she sounds like a slutty Minnie Mouse. There are about four breakdowns – I think she’s on stage for about ten minutes. The crowd go nuts but it may just be relief it’s over. She gets all whispery like she’s Janet Jackson. Scherzinger, you are no Janet Jackson.

On with the rankings, with clearly defined roles…

1. MATT – The frontrunner
In his VT, we get a reminder of his sweaty vest. It looks no better with hindsight. Apparently it wasn’t planned – and he’d just had a big strop about the outfit he was given. Why are the cast being honest about their backstage twattiness this year? It makes so little sense when they’re trying to win people over. Also Matt didn’t realise at first he was the last boy left. Before you think he’s stupid, I can see the confusion. He doesn’t exactly sing like a boy. He’s changing a song completely we hear. I hope this is true – the last time he ‘changed’ a song – he just covered Travis.
It’s I Love Rock N Roll. It’s so karaoke – whoever’s singing it. Even the original is karaoke. So far he hasn’t changed it at all. He writhes around with slutty dancers, which may arouse or alienate his housewife fanbase. He sings better than anyone else but still – this is weird. You keep thinking its over and then find that’s wishful thinking and another chorus comes. His power notes are fine and a bit more manly.
He looks really angry when it’s over – a little too much rock for him.
Louis says he’s consistently good – and safe for another week. Cheryl says the same. I think they’re trying to stop his fans voting with all this safe talk.
Matt next sings a ‘forgotten song’ that will capture our imaginations. He promises another total revamp.
Which we really don’t get. It’s another note for note cover. But it’s of Nights In White Satin – I love this song!!!! And I too had forgotten it. The song completely suits his voice – the whimpering, the wailing, the screaming. The last note is scarily good – and not just scary, as Wagner and Mary so often are.
Louis says it was note perfect, incredible, brilliant. Cheryl says it’s his best yet and Simon says it’s genius. Another easy victory for Curdle.

2. WAGNER – The jester
He’s living in a hotel and we see a picture of him in his pants. Errr. He’s the only one who doesn’t get to go shopping for his charity single during his VT. Maybe he doesn’t sing on it? He’s singing a song everybody knows but nobody is expecting. Unless you read the spoilers. Which I did.
He sings Creep. And he actually sings it – he doesn’t prance around with the slutty dancers. His eyes don’t threaten to fall out of his head. No, no. He just sings and he sounds better than Mary ever has. I quite enjoyed it. For all the right reasons.
The judges are quite complimentary though there is some covert bitchery when Dannii kind of calls him a creep and Cheryl gives the snake eyes.
Next he tries Robert Palmer. I write in my notes “OH fuck yes!” The capitals and punctuation say it all. I was excited but it’s not great – and the dancing is not as big as it could have been. It’s just fine – not as awful as he’s been, or as fun as he was the first week – just a little flat
Dannii says he’s ‘Back to the Wagner we know’ and the vocal was full of ‘out of tune singing.’ Simon then calls Wagner fascinating.
Not fascinating enough though as he ends up in the bottom two. In line with his Creep cover, he decides to go all meta- and also actually sing. He sings Unforgettable with a resigned grin – he knew he would be voted off against anyone else. Even Katie Weasel.

3. KATIE – The tabloid star
We see a VT where the judges pretend her massacre of Help last week was good.
Katie’s hair still looks like a wig but everyone’s pretending the look is good too. The whole world’s a stage sometimes. Katie tells us ‘the mask is being removed’ like she’s a Greek actress and not a reality TV hamster. Louis is glad the stupid hair is gone and Katie says she’ll show the real her. Again. It’s quite funny the way the VT keeps flicking between the new ‘real Katie’ and publicity stills of a clearly fake blonde Katie wearing stupid forehead jewellery.
She sings that song about one’s Sex being on Fire. The coos and sex noises work quite well. Her yelling ‘woo’ and letting the backing vocalists sing the whole chorus works less well.
Dannii says it was frantic and trying too hard. Simon says it was fun and risky – then the audience chant. He concludes with ‘Only you, after the week you’ve had, could come out and sing your sex is on fire.’ I think this is some reference to her family life
Katie tells us her second song is very relevant. Really? Are there many songs about your gran being a whore?
It’s Everybody Hurts. Oh Cheryl is getting lazy. This is one of the songs foisted on Vickers when she wasn’t going to win anymore. It’s quite fake – the hands clutching at nothing, the furrowed brows. She is an actress in a bad way. But it was better than Cher manga rapping or Mary shouting. Some of the yelling and pained wailing is quite pleasant.
Simon didn’t like that the song was only a minute and a half long. Then why have a show where people sing for a minute and a half? Why not ask them to sing fewer songs for longer? All the judges are more positive, which I think is fair. It’s all moot though. She’s voted off and doesn’t sing her goodbyes.

4. ONE DIRECTION – The ones ‘they’ want to win
Simon now appears to know their names and the girls in the audience squeal for them. What good news for them. They are adored! In their VT, they say their main competition comes from the best singers. Well, duh. They also aren’t happy with a charity #1, they want one in their name (where they get to keep the proceeds.) They’re coming off quite calculated – maybe they’re not as stupid as the Irish one looks.
They’re singing Bryan Adams. I write ‘Oh shite.’ This song reminds me of too many bad club nights. It’s just too awful. Their serviceable voices aren’t enough to make this less painless. Nor is the standard One Direction backing track that sounds a bit like Since U Been Gone. They have more backing dancers than Wagner usually has. Simon doesn’t get out of his chair this week. Maybe he hates the song too.
Cheryl liked the foot stamping – I bet she likes traffic jams too. It turns out Harry picked the song. I thought more of him. He has let me down.
Before their second song, Simon says ‘You know what’s coming?’ I assumed I knew the answer. It would be a song performed fine by a slightly above average looking group of boys to a Kelly Clarkson album track backing. Turns out I was wrong. The second song is as their VT claimed a lot more challenging.
It is You Are So Beautiful. Liam’s hair is bigger than his waist. He sings in a very Butlins way. Harry sounds a little more interesting. A little.
‘It may be the best of the night,’ I wrote in my notes before Matt sang – and before my man cold made me bitter, but it’s not exciting. Oh and the Irish one and the ugly one don’t get to sing. Ha!
Louis says it’s not a rock song and Simon tells him to read a book. A book about Joe Cocker, we assume. Reading London Fields probably wouldn’t help with this issue.

5. REBECCA – The one with the ‘best’ ‘voice’
The clips of her Yesterday from last week sound very wimpy. Simon says she has the best voice in the competition and she’s the one to beat. I bet Matt sticks two new pins in his doll after that. Or probably straight into Rebecca. I doubt she’d even feel them going on.
Shes doing U2 with a Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae style backing. She’s also wearing a revolting leopard print dress. It’s weird. She moves very little – on the spot of course – and manages to keep her eyes open a bit more often. The performance is very slow and a little dull as hers usually are – but even more so because they’ve slowed the song down so much.
Dannii would like her to not just stand there like a corpse. Dannii also goes out of her way to say it wasn’t boring, when it so clearly was. Simon thought it was stiff but that she has the most beautiful, unique voice. And Rebecca nods. Ha!
In her second VT, she says she’s been put ‘in a miserable box.’ Possibly because the first few weeks of the contest weeping. And all the weeks since with her eyes slammed shut looking miserable and uncomfortable,
She sings Rolling Stones meets the Dreamgirls. She sounds better than usual- she doesn’t make weird high pitched noises for the first time in weeks. And the backing singers are in Supremes dresses – and there are trumpeters – oh, it’s all a lot of fun. It was probably better than Katie but I am loath to change the rankings now.
Louis had Motown flashbacks. Dannii says it vintage, original and liked she was less corpselike. Three of them compare her to Aretha. Oh please. It’s one thing comparing Leona to 90s divas, or comparing One Direction to JLS, but comparing this limpet to Aretha is just taking the piss. The judges need to stop hyping this girl. It will all end badly for everyone.

6. CHER – The also ran
In Cher’s VT, Cheryl tells Cher to see being in the bottom two (and knowing now she can’t possibly win) as a positive. She gives no details how or why. She’s a good mentor, not a great one. It’s pop rock this week apparently, which is clearly not keeping to the theme. She wants to ‘tear da whole roof off.’ Cher needs some new slang urgently.
She’s singing Avril Lavignes girlfriend with rapping – presumably her own lyrics but I don’t know. If anyone knows send me a message. I want to know whether I watched a dope mash up or some sick freestyle rhymes. She raps quite quickly and it’s better than when Vickers did it and I liked Vickers. (Oh yes – another of Cheryl’s acts got to rehash one of Vickers’s worst performances. Cheryl’s eyes are clearly on a different prize.) The choruses are rap-less and she looks more like a manga character than ever.
It’s fun but little else.
Dannii says it was complex – compared to her, I suppose – and both her and Simon thought it was her best performance ever. I don’t understand why.
Cher tells the public to pick up their phones if they ever want to see her again. It’s nice she recognises that contestants don’t often get careers after the show. She’s less likely to have a breakdown already knowing that.
In her next VT, she hints her second song is played out. There are promises of explosions and risk taking.
It’s Walk This Way. I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. It’s kind of funny Cheryl’s setting one of her act’s a song she’s covered. When will someone sing one of Dannii’s hits? Matt could do a mean All I Wanna Do I’ll bet.
It’s pointless. The rapping is a little clunky and slow. The singing is a little shrill. She looks like N-Dubz if they were on the Simpsons. Or a clown. It’s fucked up.

7. BIG FAT MARY – The Pub singer
In her VT we learn she likes the troops. Oh big shocker. I bet she thinks there’s too many foreigns about too. She’s singing a track by one of Irelands best known bands. Jedward? U2? Apparently she connects to the song and it reminds her of her daughter’s father, her only love. It’s unclear whether he’s dead or just went off to find someone thinner.
She sounds significantly less awful than usual. She’s almost soft on the verses. Almost. She doesn’t yell until at least halfway, which is much better than every note. I quite liked that too.
She tears up at the end and the audience chant her name.
Cheryl says she connects with every song. I call bullshit as she sings every song, regardless of the lyrics, as if she’s yelling at a nuisance neighbour. Mary hopes U2 enjoyed it but doesn’t make any claims about her own abilities, which again is an improvement. I would so give Mary a sticker after that.
There is VT talk of imminent ‘hot dance moves’ for her second performance. I remember fondly how she struggled in Boot Camp with her t’robbing knees and art’ritis. I hope she will fall – or say ‘You know what, sod it’ then sit down – but it doesn’t happen.
I write in my notes ‘Yuk – Pretenders’ even though I like Pretenders. I think it’s the idea of Mary singing anything that puts me in a mood. And she’s dressed as Cher Lloyd. A fat Cher Lloyd. It’s weird and very midtempo and completely undoes all her good work on the U2 number. No wonder nobody voted for it. (Though the question remains why they voted any other weeks.)
She belts away in the bottom two. She shakes her fists and gives the cameras evils. And screams and yells as if she’s attacking a bathroom attendant. But it’s not her worst.

Thex Factor - Beatles Week - 'What they need's a damn good whacking'

2010-11-27T09:51:00.000-08:00

1. It was Beatles week
Beatles Schmeatles. Forget Piggies and making Liverpool famous for something other than crime. The iffy covers delivered last weekend were clearly better than anything the Fab Four ever did for the world.

2. There is talk of last week’s shock elimination
Yes, it is a great shock when weak singers who were never going to win and who nobody really likes get voted off. Just like it was a huge shock when Lucie and Big Fat Laura got voted off in their years

3. I heart Olly Murs
Now I hated Olly Murs last year as much as the next right-thinking person. I hated his stupid dancing and his fugly face and his limp voice. But then today I heard his debut single for the first time and it’s heaps of fun. This new one is more cod reggae and it is better than it has any right to be. There’s even an awkward reference to Bob Mar-ley. He’s the white Pato Banton! And I loves it. I’m officially on the Murs bandwagon. I even like that his Mum is called Vicky Pollard. Don’t believe me check here

4. I do not heart the new charity single
Before its world premiere, we see a VT about people with real problems – dead father, missing legs, almost dying. It really puts those X Factor VTs (where people have issues such as having to sing and dance at the same time) in the shade. It doesn’t hurt that the man with a missing leg is much better looking than a Cardle or a Grimshaw.
As the song begins, Matt and Rebecca sing the first few lines. Though Girl Band sang the bulk of their charity single – and Vickers got about two lines – so we mustn’t read too much into that. I don’t think we hear Cher or John Adeleye once. They’re lip synching, and have clearly been heavily autotuned, but Belle Amie still sound shit. Ha! Oh and Grimshaw sounds normal and Byrne doesn’t shout. Clearly the record producers are stricter about ridiculous affectations and tuneless screaming than the judges are. The judges stand throughout but their slouches show this is just a formality. Even a choir of soldiers can’t stop then looking bored.

On with the rankings, this week with a Divas song that best describes them

1. PAIJE – Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
He seems a decent sort in his VT. We see footage of him being shocked he went through while Grimshaw’s caterwauling was finally punished. Gosh everyone’s pretending last weeks result was surprising aren’t they? I can’t and won’t
Dannii says his song choice is massive. He’s clearly going to do Let it Be.
And he does. And it’s lovely. And not just because I was having a nice tart and polishing off a glass of wine when it came on. The riffing is ridiculous – in a good way.
Cheryl calls it angelic. Se has word of the day toilet paper. Simon admits he was rude last week but still believes Paije can’t win. There was never a truer word spoken as Paije ends up in the bottom two the next night (a place no winner has ever been).
A brilliant Jamelia cover full of riffing and wailing and giving it ‘welly’ and sanging can’t help him. Neither can the fact he’s also dressed infinitely better than normal. He’s sent home with little fanfare. Poor Paije.

2. CHER – Queen of the Night
Cher’s Imagine is tasteful and lovely. It’s like a Disney princess cover, which is not spoiled by any rapping or dope mash-up nonsense.
The judges and public aren’t as enthused as I. Louis says it was not contemporary and didn’t like the absense of rap or choir. He loves a good sappy choir. Simon hates that she was sitting on a staircase. This must be based on some childhood tragedy because I thought that performance was faultless. Or at least good enough to keep her out of the bottom two. My powers of prediction and appreciation are clearly shot to shit,
In the bottom two, she repeats her Stay performance. This is either very lazy or very canny – a chance to remind the judges of that time they told her she was the best ever.
Or a chance to bore them with a rehash. Second time around, it’s is just as lovely.
And she weeps less – or at least the weeping interferes with her singing less. She looks a mess though and her voice breaks on the same note as last time – but she perseveres and still gets the song done. She’s a pro! And not a Pretty Woman pro. This once.

3. ONE DIRECTION – The Winner Takes It All
Harry is a big Beatles fan according to his VT. I doubt the other four have heard of them. I know 8 year olds who can’t name any of the Beatles after all.
They’re doing All You Need is Love to a Max Martin Pink/Clarko backing track. I like how Simon sorts out proper, interesting backing tracks for them then chides all the others for being copycat.
Dannii notices some timing botches and the others get shocked. Dannii isn’t sticking to the ‘boy band to win’ script. Cheryl gives Simon a taste of his medicine and talks about the platform and Simon is forced to say platforms and staircases and such don’t matter.

4. REBECCA – Smooth Operator
The seven minutes I spent watching this is too boring to write much about.
She’s from Liverpool. She sang Yesterday fine. She stood in the same spot. She had her eyes closed. She made some high pitched noises. I’m so over her now. She needs to do some Alexandra Burke style tranny dancing urgently.

5. MATT – You’re So Vain
He’s wearing a vest this week. I think it’s meant to be sexy. He sings Come Together in a weird gravely voice, rather than usual his wailing, girly voice. He sounds like a pirate – or an angry landlord. It’s fucking weird. Even Olly Murs sang it better – and he ripped his shirt off rather than wearing a scally vest. It becomes passable at the end only when he wails like a girl.
Louis is disappointed and Simon hates the styling. It’s true Matt does look like the gay one in a boyband wearing that vest. Simon goes even meaner saying he looks like he was ‘Dragged from the loo.’ Ha! Simon doesn’t want another flop male winner this year, does he?

6. MARY – My Name is Not Susan
Though she is quite as ugly as Susan Boyle. In her VT she rattles on about her daughter, her beautiful daughter. Said daughter is kinda old – its not like it’s a baby that she can exploit for votes.
Mary yells Something, which is maybe my least favourite Beatles song. It’s less scary than previous weeks, which is Something. Yes, let’s be positive!
Dannii says it was ‘up there with her best’ – which is very different praise from saying ‘the best.’ Simon loves the song choice and gives grudging props to Louis. Three judges say she’s got her confidence back. That is good but I feel Mary’s problem has always been her excess of confidence and absence of talent. Why can’t she get some of the latter back?

7. WAGNER - Beautiful
No matter what they say. In his VT, he says he thought his last performance was beautiful and quite good. Ha! Wagner isn’t bothered that he’s booed because not everyone likes Pavarotti. Except everyone does like the famous tenor – even more so now he’s dead and it would be a bit tacky to slag him off. Even Wagner’s logic is a bit shit.
He’s doing Get Back. As Beatles songs go, it’s not nearly wacky enough for Wagner. I’d have loved for him to try Piggies or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Oh shit it’s a medley – Louis loves a good Beatles medley doesn’t he? He foisted one on JLS years ago, ruining their tentative attempts to be all gangsta. Blood.
Cheryl looks bored and irritated throughout. There are some post-performance boos but also a lot of chanting. The tide has turned? Dannii has nothing to say. Cheryl, on the other hand, has nothing constructive to say but takes him to task for some comments he’s made about her. News to me! She furiously yells about it and it makes no one look good.

8. KATIE – Don’t Speak
She gets the pimp spot, which is enough to keep her in the contest for another week. She says in her VT she doesn’t deserve all the shtick she gets. She pronounces it just like shit. Apparently the title of her song ‘says it all.’
I don’t know the song. Turns out it was Help (thanks Google search) but it sounded so weird that I couldn’t recognise it. A deaf person who’s always lived on a deserted island would probably be able to recognise Help so Katie clearly fucked around the song something rotten if I couldn’t. Oh and she’s cut her hair off and dyed it brown. She looks like a lesbian and is dressed like a doll. Her voice quivers and sounds very thin. I much preferred her Christina coos. She gets better when she yells. I guess that makes her the Anti-Mary. Which is better than being the Antichrist as so many bloggers have made her out to be.
Dannii calls her out on her constant ‘I’m showing the real me’ talk while being a total actress and changing her style every week. Dannii also tells her to act, rather than sing. Ha! I wish Dannii could tell every irritating, wannabe quirky person this sort of advice. I’ll buy her a coke if she could do that the people in my local studenty bars! They'd become so much quieter!

Thex Factor - Elton John Week - 'And it's getting more and more absurd'

2010-11-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is Elton John week
And for the second time, it’s with guest performers who aren’t Elton john.
And for the second time, they stick Gary Barlow into proceedings because he’s fat and plays piano too. I don’t know why they insist on an Elton theme when he hates the show so.

2. It was sort of boyband week too
As not one, not two but three boybands with strong links to this show came on to perform. Why not just have a boyband theme, Simon? Or would it have shown your One Direction fellows up? JLS sang a turgid song adequately. Westlife sang an anonymous song slightly better and, after all the hoopla, Take That’s fine performance was a little soiled by Robbie’s nerves and staring eyes that were Grimshaw-levels of crazy.

On with the rankings, this time with childish nicknames...

1. MATT – Matt Curdle
This week’s VT promises vocal gymnastics. I like when VTs state the obvious. They become like comforting uncles or that voice on the train that tells you your station is coming.
Matt’s singing about the Yellow Brice Road, which despite the Wizard of Oz reference is one of Elton’s less gay numbers. He looks like he’s crying – or has conjunctivitis. His eyes are very glassy and red. Maybe he’s still crying from remembrance days? That minute can drag if you have pain in your heart!
He sounds amazing. I may buy this single off the old iTunes. Or do some sort of clever YouTube conversion – either way, I want to listen again.
All the judges think it was great too. I imagine they will download the song illegally – or get a PA to do it. Despite their praise, they wouldn’t pay for it.

2. ONE DIRECTION – 4 Weddings and a Funeral
In their VT, like all the acts, they go to a Harry Potter premiere and meet star Daniel Radcliffe. One Direction all really fancy Hermione. What laddishness! Don’t they know there’s supposed to be a gay one? Daniel Radcliffe does not fancy Hermione and presumably knows her real name. There’s little else to note about this VT – other than the fact that the band want to be seen as singers. And not just the ugly one who doesn’t even have looks to fall back on.
They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight which is – on a technicality - the bestselling single of all time. They are slick and in tune, though Harry’s strange convulsions are a little distracting. If you’re not pulling ridiculous Ruth Lorenzo notes out of yourself, you shouldn’t spasm like that.
Louis says they’re going in one direction – all the way to the final. He is quite the wordsmith. Dannii says they are scarily consistent. It’s true they haven’t had a shocker yet but I wouldn’t say they’re as reliable as Matt or even Cher. Simon says they’ll win and the guys look surprised. I hope I don’t see these happy, surprised faces at the end of the finale. Matt Curdle FTW!

3. CHER – The gypsy, the tramp, the thief
In her VT, Cher says she was disappointed Cowell didn’t love her Jay-z knockoff and now thinks she’s out of the running. Cheryl tells her it’s fine – and doubtless explained backstage that an act belonging to the nation’s sweetheart wins every year. In other news Cher doesn’t want to work in a shop. Think of the discounts though Cher! We hear she’s going to exposed and on her own on stage and I briefly look forward to an a capella moment such as Ben Mills’ Queen cover or Danyl singing George Michael with just a metronome.
Turns out we don’t get a moment. She’s just lacking in naff dancers. That’s not being exposed – that’s just not using Wagner’s tactics. She sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word but with a weird RnB backing. Its just like Blue’s cover. Only it becomes a strange, half-assed bootleg as she shoves in some ‘dope rhymes’ from one of Eminem’s worst songs. Tell a lie, a half assed bootleg sounds exactly like Wagner’s tactics. I like Cher a lot but I wish she’d stop this.
The judges love it and it sounds a little bit like Louis calls the famous white rapper M&Ms. Ha!

4. KATIE – Katie Weasel
She says going to Harry Pott premiere was magical. Sigh. Somehow being more articulate makes her more of a dick than the idiots she’s competing against. She confuses me so! There are about ten references in her VT to fighting and being a fighter. I wonder what song she’ll do.
She does Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. Subtle this one. It is painful and thin from the first note. Once again she’s dressed as Madonna, when she was seeking Susan. Or being Susan – I haven’t seen the film.
Louis says he saved her and now regrets this. Ha! He also said the song choice was shit. Cheryl gets all bathroom attacker and screams ‘what song would you have given her?’ while banging her fists. This was wonderful. Simon loved it for whatever reason and Dannii admires her for how she copes with being so clearly and universally hated.
Now being shit doesn’t usually earn a fourth place on the meritocracy that is my rank. But a series of wonderful things happened Sunday that she must be rewarded for. She of course ended up in the bottom two and sang a Christina album track. House point, Weasel. She then sang it in tuneful coos and sighs and shakes and shimmies. The camera panned away and up into the sky and there was a stillness in the air. It was the exact opposite of her Jungle Book cabaret but somehow just as wonderful. House point, Weasel. Also she somehow got more votes than the Grimshaw Slasher and he was kicked off. She so should go to achievement assembly for that one.

5. AIDEN – Buffalo Bill
In his VT, we learn that Cheryl thinks he’s less crazy and he’s happy. Because now he’ll be less of a suspect when the killings begin again…
He sings far better than usual. It’s a fair standard cover of Rocket Man and he sang real notes. I was busy filing so I can’t comment on his crazy faces because it wasn’t watching. If you don’t watch he’s ok and doesn’t give off his Ed Gein vibes.
He looked less angry and less like a petulant child when it was done too.
Louis thought he changed the melody too much whereas the others were full of praise.
I think it was his best. His Crowded House cover the next day was shockingly bad though. Almost as bad as his Jealous Guy. He hopped around the stage like a loon or a Monty Python sketch and butchered the song. He had a total stinkface throughout and at one point stuck his necklace in his mouth and sucked on it. What a baby. Though it was a change for him to suck on something rather than just suck at things.

6. REBECCA - Taxidermy
She finally gets to sing last. This was a long time coming for such a frontrunner. In her moody windtunnel shots, she looks a fright. In her VT, we see her squeaking her way through the climax of a Bob Dylan song. She sang most of the song well – I have no idea why they chose to show her making such odd noises. She then tell us she felt like she was gatecrashing the Harry Potter premiere, rather than part of some clever cross-promotion ploy
She sings Candle In The Wind, which is what I thought she’d get. She’s singing about Marilyn, not Diana by the way. Presumably because Cheryl is now Queen of our Hearts and the ITV crowd have completely forgotten about that posh bird. It’s very boring and she stands in the exact same spot as she does most weeks. Maybe she has OCD or a germ phobia or something because she seems glued to that point. She keeps her eyes mostly closed and we see endless close-ups of her enormous and heavily-painted eyelids. There’s not much to say about the vocals – it’s fine but I love Matt’s bells and whistles. Or Cher’s hip-hop Disney princess vibe.
Cheryl says she’s an inspiration to single mothers everywhere. Surely the pramfaces have more in common with Cheryl than tastefully boring Rebecca?

7. PAIJE – Lenny Henry
Paije is made to sing first again. The producers must have it in for him. Or maybe he was meant to be the shock elimination? Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe is a fan and not just because Paije was IN a Harry Potter film as an extra. Daniel pretends to know who the extras are. Simon gives him the seal of approval too but notes how ridiculous the lyrics are to his song choice. Well, it is Elton John week – that’s kind of hard to avoid.
He’s slightly out of time and his voice doesn’t quite fit the song. His ridiculous pink suit fits better but is torture for the eyes. He looks like a blancmange.
Simon says he can’t possibly win, which I think has always been true. Paije then sasses back in a mumbly way about versatility. The problem wasn’t that Paije was too versatile – the problem was that he was too shit this week. He really must pay attention.

8. WAGNER – Rudderless hippy
In his VT, he’s compared to Louis Walsh. Oh please, there’s only one Lewis Walse. Wagner makes me love him again though because he says he’s being given too many words to sing and will doubtless struggle. I like his ‘don’t blame me, I’m rubbish’ angle – it could keep him in the contest longer than Jedward or maybe even Chico managed.
He sounds better than Mary – and even when his eyes bulge he looks less weird than Aiden. He sings I’m Still Standing – which lyrically is going to goad all the booers
He goes straight after Cher and offers a similarly lame bootleg mash up sort of thing when it goes into Circle of Life. Those songs couldn’t be less linked. His accent really gets in the way of the song’s mawkish emotion too – particularly when he sings ‘bland of hope’ and ‘sepal of life.’
The judges give their usual critiques and the audience have the good manners not to boo much until the results show.

9. MARY - Jabba
Her VT is all about how miserable she was last week and how surreal it is that a tuneless sow like her is famous. Hard to believe Mary I agree.
Ha! She’s singing a song from The Lion King. She has a Pumbaa vibe about her but still can’t pull it off. She sounds dreadful and dressed all in black she looks like the Grim Reaper. Oh wait, he’s thin. She looks like the grim reaper and Santa’s daughter.
She yells throughout but in her defense the last note where she yells is more pleasant than the others.
The judges give pity praise and Simon calls her a pub singer.
Just to compare, Dannii stood up after all her acts tonight. Louis politely claps for Mary. Even he realises she’s the pits.

Thex Factor – American Anthems Week

2010-11-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is American Anthems Week
And you’d think that would mean lots of hair rock. Poision and Journey and Lynyrd Skynyrd and the like. Sadly, none of the songs are from this album. And in fact, not all of the songs are American.

2. And neither are the special guests
Which bright spark decided to book Shayne Ward and Kylie Minogue for America week. They have quite strong accents that show they are not American. They don’t have even fans in America! Shayne’s song sounds a LOT like Joe McElderry’s: Tinny europop. The best thing about the whole business was the fact his VT was full of shirtless pictures and inflated record sales. He looks furious throughout, which isn’t helped by his shaved head. He nods at the end as if to say ‘yes, I was amazing.’ The audience scream as if they remember who he is. Kylie is better doing a weird song, she doesn’t pretend she’s singing live. She constantly moves the mic away from her face, as part of an elaborate routine, and the singing continues. Magic!

On with the rankings, this week with some positive reinforcement

1. MATT – I like that you sing well
We see a VT of his Bleeding Love cover last week, which was less bleeding love and more of a papercut. He says his performance was rubbish and that he didn’t expect or deserve to survive another week. I call bullshit – he must have realised he was better than Aiden at least. In fascinating news, his parents are really posh. This would explain why his accent is very suddenly and very cartoonishly Essex: it’s all a fake.
He’s redoing his Boot Camp performance, only this time it’s not a surprise. And this time it hasn’t followed Cher taking us to JERUSALURRRRRRRRRM! So it shouldn’t have been as good. And it hasn’t shouldn’t have made me well. And it shouldn’t have made me stop typing snarky notes and just listen. Only it is as good. So good that Cheryl cries and turns to tell Dannii ‘wow!’ So good that all 4 judges give the Standing O. So good that Matt and Dannii cry.
Louis likes him because, and I quote, ‘every week you come out and sing.’ Whereas the others do juggling acts? It’s only Wagner that doesn’t try to sing, Louis. Simon likes that he doesn’t whinge and acts like a man. Yet sings like a girl! He truly is the best of both sexes.

2. REBECCA – I like your pearls
Cheryl tells us we’ll see a glittery firework then the editors show an extended shot of Rebecca looking really angry. Ha! Rebecca then ruins the whole ‘I’m a wallflower with the confidence of a napkin’ thing she has going by telling us she’s a very experienced singer.
She’s singing Make You Feel My Love, which we’ve heard now four times this season. I don’t think her voice suits the song – it’s a little distracting and the song must be song very simply. She opens her eyes a few times though, which is a feat for her. The arrangement is lovely and she is accompanied onstage by real musicians with real instruments. There are some very weird high notes that she insists on repeating. Cheryl and Simon stand up. LW tells her she’s amazing and that she stands out and she nods. Not so humble, this one. Simon and Cheryl tell her the nation loves her and she is an ambassador for Britain. Dermot pisses on the parade telling her how shit she was in rehearsals and then calls her an idiot. I miss Kate Thornton so.

3. ONE DIRECTION – I like Harry. Like, like like him.
I wrote nothing about One Direction in my notes so this is from memory:
1. Liam looked too thin in the VT
2. They sang Kids in America quite well with very fun ‘na na na na’ bits. Just like a Kaiser Chiefs B-Side.
3. There was some contentious debate about the uncontentious fact that Kids in America is not by anyone American. I believe it was cheating but I can see why people would like it.

4. PAIJE – I like that your outfits have become less vulgar
We see a VT reminder of Dannii saying ‘the soul man is in the house’ and doing an obnoxious dance. This short clip just showed why people like Cheryl more. I’m not saying they should – I’m just saying I understand. DM warns us there’s a bootleg afoot. I suppose Cher wasn’t in the mood for a half-assed bootleg this week. Louis adds more dread to proceedings telling he wants to see ‘fun, soulfully, bubbly Paije.’ Louis clearly wants to him to live up to the steretotype of the jolly fatman. Oh the trials of being a fat popstar! How one is judged just for eating Liam’s body weight a day!
He’s singing I’m A Believer first – a song I absolutely hate. He dances very well for a man of his heft and it doesn’t interfere with the vocals. He’s dressed pretty well this week too – a nice grey suit and a big yellow jumper. It goes into Hey Ya, which is pretty cool. If only he’d just done that song. He sounds pretty cool when he rips into it.
The judges like it a lot more than me. Louis compares him to Lenny Henry because he smiles and is black. Simon likes the Austin Powers vibe and thinks it was the best yet. It was groovy, baby in parts but he’s sung much, much better in the past few weeks.

5. KATIE – I like seeing a posh person on this show
We see a VT of her tunelessly screaming her survival song then having a tantrum backstage and sobbing ‘I hate this.’ Way to win fans, Weasel! She tells us she’s not feeling down about being hated and clearly doomed to fail as ‘nothing’s ever easy that’s worth having.’ That’s almost a Cheryl Cole lyric.
She’s singing Don’t Speak , which is a fab and at first I love the strange, violin-led arrangement. Her baby wail whisper suits the song. On the big screen behind there is a video of her crying while wearing a wedding dress and we see Simon hold back some sniggers. Her vocal limitations become, well, quite limiting when the second half of the song requires her to sing and not just coo.
Louis wants us to judge her on her singing, not her whorish ways. Dannii thinks it was contrived and Simon thinks she sung poorly. Katie talks back that emotion means more being able to sing. I think that’s we why she ended up in the bottom two.
Once she learns how much she’s hated, she sings a soul track. It’s more Etta James, we assume. I don’t know the song. There’s lot of Duffy-style vowel-splitting. The chorus is her saying ‘please don’t give up on me,’ which is subtle as the judges can deal with. The highlight comes when she yells ‘You know what, sod it’ and sits down. The way she probably does in supermarkets when Grandmama won’t buy her a Galaxy.
She survives the vote under vaguely-controversial circumstances when Cheryl refuses to vote, then asks Dermot to ask her last, then forfeits her vote. Well it would be more controversial if anyone gave a shit about Treyc.

6. CHER – I’ve liked most of your Jerusalerrrm-free performances
In her VT, she tells us she doesn’t want to come fifth or sixth. She wants to win. She needs to up her game because I’ve put her sixth on a patchy night. We see a terrifying montage of her past performances and all the scary face she’s pulled.
She sings Empire State of Mind and it’s fine. And as always she has the big production – with skateboarders – which is also fine but it’s all a bit flat. We know she can sing. We know she can spit the rhymes of others so there’s nothing new here. There’s not even a tacky, ill-conceived bootleg! It’s just a song on in the background while someone’s telling you about how late the trains are.
Only Simon says that he’s bored while the others gush. Between Simon’s criticism, being on first and the pointlessness of it all, she should’ve been at risk. She’s obviously got fans.

7. WAGNER – I like your speaking voice
Louis keeps mispronouncing his name and smiling about it. It’s really rude.
Wagner thinks so too and tells us so in his VT. Wagner also thinks he is beloved. I’m not sure if it’s a language barrier or a very useful coping mechanism but he has no idea how unpopular he is.
He starts off singing Viva Las Vegas. And he’s singing it very slowly, almost as if he’s trying to explain the lyrics rather than sing them. The runs near the end aren’t that bad. I wonder if he’ll have a week of actually singing (just like Same Difference, Jedward or Idol’s Sanjaya or Tim Urban) and get lots of praise. It goes without saying that he’s performing a montage – half of the performance is The Wonder of You and it’s not sung too terribly. There’s a fun dance routine with a fake wedding. I enjoyed this performance and I thought he sang better than all those below. I’m not joining a facebook campaign or anything but I’m glad he stayed this week.
DM Theres a church in Vegas that wants you to sing at it. DM wedding singer CC church singer SC liked it but hates himself for it
Wagner ‘if I sometimes sung out of time or out of tune, Im only human’ Ha! I like this motto. Mary is clearly not human so she cant even make that argument

8. TREYC – I like you’ve been kicked off
In her VT she says she’s ready to fight. That would explain why she always sounds so pained and violent. Treyc is sure the audience will love her performance. Way to be humble, Cohen. And way to show a complete lack of awareness. I think this is Treyc’s main problem. She must finish every screechy, dated performance thinking ‘that went really well’ and then not to try sing better next time, or at least sound like a cavewoman being raped. Dannii has a bit more nouse and thinks Treyc is boring. Treyc doesn’t care about having a niche or any marketability: she just wants the judges to tell her she can sing.
She wears a Disney princess wedding dress and sings Aerosmith. The first half is fine but towards the end she – you guessed it – starts shrieking and screaming in an unpleasant way.
Dannii and Simon repeat their comments from last week. There is no need for me to retype them.
Treyc ends up in the bottom two because the public clearly care about niches and marketability and care little for angry caterwauling. Cheryl gives her squinty, thoughtful deathstare before she sings. The look that usually only bathroom attendants see. She butchers Toni Braxton with little sobby notes. It is greatly inferior to the original or of Alexandra’s cover. It is strained and pointless. Her montage is painful – six botched powernotes in a row, no reason to feel anything but relief.

9. AIDEN – I like the songs you sing, when someone else sings them
Aiden tells us about how he is intense but then most eighteen years sit around and he misses his sister. Now that last garbled sentence isn’t me writing badly: what he said makes just as little sense as that. I am but a messenger! There’s then some debate about how intense he is. Louis and Danii say he is what he is, whereas Cheryl would rather he was versatile and less serial killer like. I must side with Cheryl on this one. If he was the great performer Dannii makes him about to be, he could try one week being less affected and batshit crazy.
He takes out his poorly repressed anger on Nothing Compares 2 U. Seriously, he cuts it up with a chainsaw and then makes a coat out of its skin. Somewhere Sinead O’Connor is trying to put the lotion in the basket. He tunelessly wails out of the corner of his mouth. There is a whole load of pyrotechnics onstage – perhaps to make the whole thing less boring and awful – but I would rather jump into one of the stage fires than be left alone with Aiden. Or listen to that again. He smiles throughout and after, which shows some improvement in his mental health.
Louis thinks he’s consistent and doesn’t mind that it’s the same basic performance every week. Cheryl can’t fault his singing. Or doesn’t want to. You could easily fault it. Preferably with serial killer references!

10. MARY – I like the supermarket you work at
In her VT, she kind of acknowledges how it’s surprising that people like her when she’s so monstrously fat. Oh and she tells us she was a pub singer. Never, Mary! I don’t believe it. You sound so contemporary! She tells us she’s doing a song that’s very modern and not a belter
Turns out she’s singing Faith Hill which is definitely not modern and definitely a belter. She sounds horrendous. She’s flat and hoarse and then yells. At points she sounds and looks like she’s about to cry. That only works as a strategy when you’re cute. Or, like Cher, are singing the song well
Dannii thinks it was iffy and Cheryl gives the pity praise ‘hope you’re here next week.’ Mary looks effing furious. Dermot calls her on her stinkface and she says she misses her daughter. I doubt daughter misses her. At least she only has to hear mum sing once a week now.

Thex Factor – Halloween Week – ‘They did the Monster Mash’

2010-11-03T12:53:00.001-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Halloween week
This meant lots of silly costumes, of which Mary’s will give me nightmares forever. It also means lots of sound effects and lots of songs that are only tenuously linked to the theme. Ever the wordsmith, Dannii promised us that ‘her boys have all the tricks.’ I would have preferred more treats.

2. It is also ‘not enough credit’ week
Dannii said Aiden is ‘not given enough credit’ for singing poorly and looking mental. Every other judge thought this was a good line and it was repeated a lot. So, Matt was not given enough credit for singing like a big girl. Belle Amie were not given enough credit for singing partly in tune. Wagner was not given enough credit for twatting around on stage looking confused. Not enough credit was given to any of them! The injustice of it all!

3. There are not very scary guest performers
We have Rihanna. We have Bon Jovi, who are no longer country. We have Jamiroquai, who is still cunty. Rihanna is in great voice, by which I mean she sounds less like she has a cold than usual. She looks fucking mental though, like Cyndia Lauper crossed with a prostitute stuck in Bedlam, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Jay Kay dances the best to a song that could be from 1997 or 1977. He is very drunk and tells Dermot he wasn’t sure about appearing on the show in the first place. Bon Jovi sounds great, even though they are forced to perform with the contestants. In rather hilarious news, Wagner is interviewed by Dermot straight after and his mic is turned off. Ha! A wise choice, producers.

On with the rankings, this week with tips for personal development....

1. CHER – Sing more, rap less and cry less
Cher’s VT really sets the scene for how good her performance will be.
The judges tell us how much they like her and how she’s going to prove she can sing and not just rap. Her VT is also super-full of all the wonderful posing she does and the bizarre hair she often has. It’s like a Top Model montage, for an eliminee mind you, not for the winner. Simon is the only doomsayer: he thinks this singing lark is a risk and she may learn that risks don’t pay off.
She looks like she’s at a funeral, possibly her own. There’s only one hiccup (possibly due to her ever-impending tears) but otherwise it’s a wonderful vocal, full of Vickersian squeals and Burkian growling. The synthetic quality of her voice almost goes too: she only sounds like a Girls Aloud member once or twice. She then starts crying but doesn’t stop singing. Ace! That’s a pro! The only flaw isn’t her fault: the arrangement tries to cram too much of the song into two minutes.
Cher weeps and the judges give her a tongue bath. Dannii loves the vulnerability and Simon thinks it’s the best performance of the season. I wouldn’t go that far but she walked the night. Top marks, Cher.

2. PAIJE – Give your puddings to Liam
From his VT, we are reminded that Paije lacks star quality and needs to work on this. Useless choreographer Brian Friedman rightly thinks it is terrible advice to force star quality as you end up looking like a tool. There are also many references to how awfully he dresses. Paije sasses that one shouldn’t take fashion advice from Simon Cowell. That’s fair Paije, but then why not dress a bit better so that the judge people listen to doesn’t talk about how awfully you dress? Doesn’t that sound wise?
Onstage, Paije seems to have a much better strategy. He slays an Amy Winehouse ‘joint’ and dresses exactly like the evil boxing manager from The Simpsons. I write in my notes ‘he sings the hell out of it.’ He sounds nasal but in a fabulous, unToploadery way. It’s all quite scary and Halloweeny, like he’s an evil being doing runs and whistles that excite and dazzle.
Louis likes that he’s come alive, which is ironic when he kind of sounded undead. Simon calls him a big diva and for once doesn’t mean ‘I think you’re gay by this.’ Paije is becoming a real dark horse – he is the new John Adeleye, except without the frequent disappointment.

3. REBECCA – Go acoustic next week, please
On her VT, her speaking voice has gone crazy. It’s dropped an octave and gone the depth of a Brookside hunk. It makes me want to buy another Philip Olivier calendar, full of lurid pictures. Rebecca’s rehearsals seem to go really well – to the point that the only criticism they VT drama they can come up with is how much she wants ‘it.’
She sings Wicked Game, which has shit all to do with Halloween. I think they’ve got confused with Wicked, the musical. She’s doing it as a Toni Braxton ballad, complete with snare drums. Her eyes stay closed for much of it but she doesn’t look half as batshit at Aiden. She’s also dressed as Boy George, who is terrifying in his way so at least she’s keeping to the theme in one sense.
Louis tells Rebecca and the audience that if she won it would legitimise the contest. Ha! She will undo the harm done by the dregs last year. Dannii wants to listen to her on repeat and Simon thinks she’s a repeat of Leona. But in a good way.

4. MATT – Sing a song by a man, you Jessie
His VT begins with him having fans and singing well. This is how winners’ VTs begin. Apart from Leon’s of course. We learn this week he’s covering Leona and ‘a song you just don’t touch.’ Simon has doubts he’ll be able to pull it off. About two minutes before he’ll say it was amazing.
Again, he sounds bad indie nasal on the verses. It’s a little wimpy, even though it’s brave to make a graven image of Leona in her holy temple. There is the constant threat he’ll start botching the notes because he looks so uncomfortable. There are two verses of it being fine then a climax of him wailing a few times. He even comes up with new ways to shriek and wail during a song that came with enough of that already.
Louis isn’t loving it as much this week. Simon likes the originality and the giving of 110%, which is Matt’s first pity praise of the season. Dannii takes the opportunity to praise Matt rightly and point out that it’s good not to be directionless and desperate. More on that point when we get to Treyc.

5. AIDEN – Tell the police where you put the bodies, you’ll feel better
His VT tells us that he’s been given the most recognisable spooky song ever. I suppose they weren’t ever going to make the serial killer be subtle on Halloween.
He’s ‘singing’ Thriller. Is it the Imogen Heap version? Does anyone know? It’s not the Michael Jackson arrangment and we can safely assume neither he nor Dannii have come up with something original. He’s wearing goth eye make up – not just a bit of trendy guyliner I hasten to add– he’s caked in it. He continues to whine and close his eyes and look into his camera as if he’s just done a really, really bad thing to the baby at number 17. He actually sounds pretty good and even though it’s terrifying and doesn’t quite work, it’s about a million times better than Mary.
The judges completely disagree with me. Cheryl thinks he’s a joyless goon and Simon thinks the performance was indulgent. This could have been said about him any week so I don’t know why they’ve waited until his best performance to say it. I can’t see Aiden making the top five anymore.

6. KATIE – If you have to try to be kooky, and have to tell people you are, then you’re not
Her VT is all about the judges enjoying her and her quirkiness. There is no mention of the endless tabloid stories about her sluttish ways. I guess after last’s week triumph the editors have changed their tactics.
Once gain she’s dressed like a wannabe Gaga. She has enormous grey eyelashes and a chess piece hat, like a Gaga VMA outfit gone Primark. She sings Bewitched over the world’s cheapest backing track. The lightness and cheesiness of the vocal doesn’t suit the terrifying witch styling at all. Her vocal this week is a bit simpering too – it’s nowhere near as fun as last week. It’s also not fun or dare I say kooky. It’s just a wimpy cover of an irrelevant, plodding song.
Dannii hates the make up but other than that the judges think it was good as last week. I’m not sure they understood why last week was good then. Simon says she reminds him of Gwen Stefani. Apparently Katie and Gwen are part of a new generation of ‘fun’ popstar. Oh please Simon. Katie is not a member of Gwen’s generation, even with Katie’s grinny chin confusing matters. Gwen is old enough to be Katie’s mother. Gwen is fun though, like an Aunt who makes honey and has an undiagnosed personality disorder.
Katie is in the bottom two because boring performances win as few fans as those tabloid articles about how big a skank you are. Before her singoff, Katie sleepwalks onto stage with a very practised sad face. She’s singing her second Etta James song this month, third total. She wails and hiccups like a baby. It’s not very pleasant but I admire her for trying to sing her way back into the running. She looks desperate to cry for most of it and then does so for real once it’s over. Better than Belle Amie but not good enough in the real world.

7. ONE DIRECTION – Attractive ones, have sex with each other. Liam, finish your dinners.
In their VT, they whinge about Louis’s comments last week that they’re getting all Simon’s attention. They don’t feel sorry for the ignored Belle Amie girls, mind you They’re just annoyed they might be coming off badly.
They’re singing Total Eclipse of the Heart and, in some shameless fanbase cross-pollination, they’re dressed as vampires. They’re all wearing red eye liner that makes it look like they have conjunctivitis. Or, in Liam’s case, like he’s been making himself sick again. They’re doing a strange half dance remix of the song, which just makes it sound a little like Viva La Vida. (JERUSALURRRM!) It is a little weak. For two weeks in a row, not enough excitement, too much Liam solo.
Cheryl says they’ve got a long way to go. Ha! I think she means they’ll go a long way. Simon praises their work ethic and Liam looks emaciated. Business as usual then.

8. BELLE AMIE – Don’t pursue this as a career. Get a job.
We see a VT of them smiling, laughing and cuddling. As if they actually get on. In said VT, they also promise us they are going to have fun. I suppose that is all girls just wanna have.
Onstage, they walk out of graves and then begin to do bad things to Bananarama’s venus. Not as bad as the things Aidan’s cat told him to do to the neighbours but not good. One of the girls is very off and very loud. It does improve however but there isn’t much too exciting about it. I’m not asking for runs and falsetto but some passion or quirks or prowess would have been welcome.
Dannii says she didn’t love the vocals and one of the girls give her a devil’s stare. Cheryl isn’t excited either and Simon implies they are catty, woman-hating bitches. This may be true but Belle Amie are the pits so I side with the lady judges on this one.
They land in the bottom two to the surprise of no one and choose to sing Breakaway. It’s a song that sounds weak even when Kelly Clarkson sings it but they easily make it much worse. The chorus is fine because they belt so loudly that they drown one another’s flaws out. Anything requiring subtlety is botched royally. They are eliminated and I shan’t miss them.

9. TREYC – Drop the ‘tude
Her VT recaps her trip to the bottom two. Apparently this trip was because she performed an old song and nothing to do with how wonkily she sang it. She also had a ‘panic attack’ after the sing off. This must have lasted about ten seconds because it didn’t interrupt the live show in any way. Or, it must be completely made up.
On stage she hollers her way through Relight My Fire, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. After weeks of being a poor-man’s Maria Lawson, this week she’s moved onto being a poor-man’s Alexandra Burke. The tranny styling and dancing and covering a song Alexandra nailed doesn’t help at all. Neither does the fact she’s a shrill, indistinguishable singer.
Dannii says she could sing anyone off the stage. Well, I’d run off the stage if she started singing so I guess that’s true. Simon says he can’t fault the vocal, possibly because he wasn’t really listening. Both Dannii and Simon think she’s a jack of all trades (flicking randomly and desperately from disco to rock to pop) and master of none. Simon also thinks she’s not being mentored and is just a singing monkey, rather than a future artist. Treyc then sasses Dannii because a) she’s a twat and b) she wouldn’t dare sass Simon, even though he said worse. It’s rare and unhealthy but I can’t wait to see her be eliminated: she will be indignant and completely unaware that she’s an iffy singer with zero relevance.

10. MARY – Fuck right off
As it’s Halloween, we see in her VT a truly terrifying monster singing last week. When she lifts her head and shouts, she looks exactly like a pasty Princess Fiona.
We rewatch the judges feedback that she’s old and boring. She says this was fair and she’ll take it on board. By singing Barry Manilow, which is not modern or interesting. And, also, not really scary.
She wears devil horns on stage and she looks like she’s on the world’s ugliest hen night. She bellows while gay dancers are behind her in cages. She’s actually screaming – when she emphatically yells ‘Now!’ she sounds like a teacher who’s about to throw a board rubber. Or possibly shoot the child.
Dannii says it was incredible and the audience chant her name as if something different just happened. I don’t know what I’m missing. Even Simon loved it. Cheryl is the only one to question the song choice. Mary stands looking smug and then explains to Dermot how good she was as her bingo wings jiggle. Yuk.

11. WAGNER – Return the call when the ITV2 Reality Department get in touch
In his VT, Wagner says that the British public like him. Oh if he only had a brain. Apparently he’s showing off her operatic voice tonight and will show us all he can sing. Simon isn’t worried.
I thought it was going to be a total cop out and he’d do some Phantom – but in fact he tries to sing O Fortuna. But it quickly a different sort of cop out when it, of course, becomes a medley. With Bat Out of Hell. He’s always about a line behind the backing singers. You can hear the guidance track throughout, even though Wagner is shouting. I love how his whole body vibrates when he sings. He’s dressed a toreador with blood dripping out of one eye. His slutty dancers do not rub or flash their tits this week but instead form a daisy chain. That’s PG for them
Dannii likes the costumes and ‘wasn’t expecting’ the performance. She quotes Kath & Kim and no one understands. Cheryl says it was out of time. Simon just says ‘what the hell was that’ which is a just bit rude. Leave the snark to Thexy, Simon. You’re too good for it.

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasure Week - 'I'm not that innocent'

2010-10-27T10:01:00.001-07:00

1. It is guilty pleasures week
For our benefit, Dermot defines the term and says they’ll be singing a song they secretly love. Except I doubt they do love their songs. I doubt all of them had even heard their songs before. This would work as a theme if the contestants picked the songs themselves and therefore might have some sort of response to them.

2. Week 3 is an important one
And it’s usually Big Bang week on week 3. The fact that it’s not makes it even weirder that the Buble is a guest singer. (He is awesome, as always.) Anyway, week three as Simon rightly notes a few times is also the week that the winners sometimes emerge. It was the first time Leon won praise. It was the first week Alexandra tranned around. It was the week Leona squealed her way ‘Summertime’ and it was the week Danyl was in the bottom two and the frightful worries he might win were wonderfully destroyed.
Dannii promises this week will be ‘all guns blazing’ and that Aiden, Matt and Paije will triumph. I think the last thing Dannii should do is refer to Aiden and weapons in the same sentences. It’ll only give his serial killer persona more weight

3. Cheryl also performed
It is debatable whether she was singing live. It is not worth debating that the quality of the singing was quite weak. The song itself has a bit more to it than Fight For This Love but the big notes are a horrorshow. She also looks nervous as all hell. She makes Aiden look more relaxed by comparison. But even she cannot make Aiden look less like he’s just drowned his sister. “I thought she was a mermaid, Mummy! Honestly I did!”

On with the rankings, this week with animal comparisons…

1. KATIE – A sex kitten
Katie got the Pimp Spot this week. I wrote in my notes ‘saving the twattiest for last’ but it turns out the producers were just saving the best for last. They didn’t have half make it look like she’d be crap though. First there was the VT of last week’s horrid white girl soul: we saw her whining ‘baby baby baby’ while sounding like a mix of a budget Duffy and a premature born baby, baby, baby. There’s then the threat that she’s going to show she’s fun and Simon warning us her song choice is shit.
She’s doing The Jungle Book dressed as an Indie nightwear model. And I love it. I love the gay cabana dancers. I love her tottering around in her heels. I love the hair. Plus, like Cher tonight, she seems to have a perfect pop voice. She could be in a Disney film. Conceptually, this Swing cover is The Baseballs meets Puppini Sisters meets Paul Anka’s rock cover album. Visually, it’s Bette Page meets early Madonna meets porno set on a cruise ship. Aurally, it’s DisneyMania meets Paloma Faith if she had restraint meets Marilyn Monroe after a pack of cigs. It’s a wonderful mix of wonderful things and I have only good things to say about it.
The judges love it too and admire Katie for being a trooper and not caring or realising that everyone hates her. Three cheers for poor social awareness!

2. MATT – A grizzly bear
On his VTs, Matt’s voice is going more and more Essex. And deeper. Maybe he’s trying to make clear he’s straighter than Aiden, or at least less likely to dress up as his Mother and kill hotel guests. He says his song is the ‘definition of guilty pleasure.’ I hope it’s All I Wanna Do. Oh and he’s doing a cover with an acoustic guitar. Someone wants to be on Live Lounge. I know I keep knocking Live Lounge but sometimes it produces excellent, massive number ones.
He’s doing Baby One More Time – the Travis version! To begin, I greatly enjoy the bedroom eyes but it's not his best. I think its his phrasing that’s a little off here and he gets very nasal, in an unpleasant Toploader-ian way. That being said, some of the little quirks and interpretations are excellent. The arrangement really builds towards the end and sounds much better if you listen to it, after the fact.
Louis Walsh thinks the risk of covering Travis paid off. Cheryl Cole unwisely believes that the audience squealing is sensible feedback. Treating that as feedback is the reason Cheryl still has not learned how to sing. She needs a PDR meeting, stat!

3. REBECCA – A snake, only without the connotations of evil
Her VT this week is distracting because she actually looks pretty. She doesn’t cry or wear tranny make up. Hurrah! All I can remember is her telling us that her song needs personality. I wrote in my notes ‘In that case, I’m not sure it’s a good choice for Rebecca.’
Then I had to take it back. The song choice is awesome. She’s doing Jessica Rabbit! Fab! She’s even wearing a red dress and a red wig. If she’d worn nice pearls I would have had to vote for her. Her dress is fairly ridiculous though – it has an enormous poof on one side that makes it look like she has a conjoined twin on her hip. Cheryl should be banned from dressing her acts until she learns how to dress herself.
Cheryl and possibly Simon give her a standing o. Louis thinks Rebecca could sell records and Dannii says she’d be one of the people who buys it. What is up with the contestants singing Disney songs and exceeding all expectations? I would never had bet on those two girls being in my top three.

4. CHER – A stick insect
On her VT, we revisit Cher covering Hard Knock Life and looking like a manga happy-slapper. Cher seethes about Dannii’s fair and lukewarm criticism and wants to do more. Cher’s doing another big dance routine and Dannii worries she’ll fade into the background. She wants to see her do something simple. Learn from your sister Dannii, simple draws attention to your vocal shortcomings. Do a big routine and get your arse out Cher Lloyd, that’s how pop works!
She’s doing Blackstreet’s No Diggity. How is No Diggity a guilty pleasure? It’s a great song. Oh wait, it’s a medley with Tears for Fears’s Shout. Or James Corden’s Shout, depending on how old you are. Cher’s guilty pleasure is clearly half-assed but enjoyable bootlegs as this is two in a row. The rapping is quite good and the singing is fine in an ‘if Britney could sing live’ way. She sings a bit like an anime character too – it’s very synthetic – but sounds much weaker than the two girls who MEANT to become cartoons for a week. She continues to stomp and snarl as is de rigeur.
Louis loves the mash up and the dance routine, which I have to admit was pretty cool. Dannii is a fan this week and praises the staging and the vocals. Simon thinks it was like watching a Sunday night performance by a real act. Oh and that she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder. Happy news!

5. PAIJE – A hippo
Paije grins constantly during his VT even though his Gran’s just died and, because he’s boring and on first, he must have known he was likely to go home. In his VT we see him going shopping and loving the attention of teenage girls. The trials of being a fat popstar were clearly a 24-hour issue as there’s no mention of them this week. He tells us he loves this song this week – there are no dancers and he’s just showing off his voice. Wasn’t this the plan first week? I’m not sure that worked out.
He’s doing Richard X. Or Chaka Khan? Either way, that’s really not embarrassing. This was such a cop out. Plus, he’s singing it really well with pleasant wailing straight off the bat followed by a great deal of pleasant growling. The only ‘guilty’ part of the pleasure is that he’s doing some silly ballad arrangement of it. It’s like a Live Lounge cover that doesn’t quite work. So, like most Live Lounge covers then. Plus, he’s not Chaka. Oh and he’s wearing a dreadful, luminous red suit. Plus, again, 90s pop rapper jewellery and 90s pop rapper hair. He looks like Flavor Flav with fewer STDs and much more weight.
Louis loves the new arrangement and all the bells & whistles. He condoles Paije for his ‘very difficult personal week’ and Paije carries on grinning, even though tears win votes. Cheryl thought it was ‘the most confidence performance,’ even though we assume she was taught some grammar at school. Simon rightly hates the outfit, is indifferent to the performance but loves the ridiculous runs.

6. TREYC – A sourpuss
We are forced to rewatch her screaming tunelessly Purple Rain. The judges pretend she has a good voice and that all she needs to do is be a good performer as well. She seems to believe this lie too.
She’s doing Whole Lotta Love – it’s not the awkward, reviled Mary J Blige version but a more straightforward cover. So, not a guilty pleasure. She’s wearing a dress with pom poms for shoulders, which someone should feel guilty about. Before seeking new employment. For much of it, her voice has never sounded better but she’s lost among the gay dancers and the trannyness of her costume. The power note is a bit offkilter almost as if she wanted to abort. Then the pained shrill screaming comes in. Why won’t the judges tell her this sounds unpleasant? Oh wait, they think Mary Byrne is a good singer.
Louis likes the rock chick but Simon didn’t think she nailed the big notes. Finally. The public decide she’s a worse singer than Wagner and she ends up in the bottom two. It’s good to know that tuneless shrieking does not go unpunished. (Also, saying things like ‘I was great and the audience loved it’ when you walk offstage will not win friends and influence people either.) She covers Jennifer Hudson note for note and sounds just a little bit worse than Jennifer Hudson, note for note. Not terrible, but just worse. It’s a marked improvement on her other performances though: being a rentakit diva is clearly her wheelhouse.

7. AIDEN – A killer whale
In his VT, we are made to watch John Lennon’s second murder when Aiden took on Jealous Guy last week. His terrible vocals and then him pulling the faces of a teenage girl do nothing to make me dislike him less. He says he comes across a bit awkward then snickers awkwardly. He clearly has no intention of changing, does he? At least Leon pretended to be less of a misery! Simon thinks Aidan needs to go back to where he was week one. What, caterwauling and looking like a Tim Burton child killer? Oh yes, let’s go back to that.
He’s doing Shirley Bassey. I bet this was his choice. He’s staring at the floor but trying to look up and trying to smile. I think it’s his first time doing so. He looks just like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho – just before the credits roll and they pull the corpse’s car out of the muddy lake. Or Hannibal Lecter – just before he sniffs Clarice. It’s strange – and not unpleasant – hearing him sing in full voice, albeit affectedly, rather than just whining affectedly. On the power note, he looks like he’s been stabbed. Possibly by Cher. At other points, he curls up his lip like he’s Elvis after he’s eaten some off prawns. He sounds okay I guess – just as he does when you listen to his ‘Mad World’ cover - but he looks like a bell-end.
Cheryl Cole says Aidan was intense and that not everyone would ‘get it.’ As if some people don’t ‘get’ popstars who look psychotic. Aidan’s mentor – or is it social worker? Or parole officer? - claims it was Arctic Monkeys doing Shirley Bassey. I’m not sure they deserve the blame for any of this. I didn’t like this performance and, if I could, I would put Aidan on the naughty step for twenty minutes. Although when his last babysitter did that she suffered a terrible ‘accident’ so maybe it would be foolhardy. “I was going to sew her head back on, Mummy! Honestly I was!”

8. MARY – A regular whale
We see a VT of her weeping and forgetting her words. Again.
I feel it’s time for a recap on Mary. Can’t stop weeping. Can’t sing. Can’t remember her words. Can’t dance because of her t’robbing arthritis. Why is she popular again?
She sings more Shirley Bassey in her bizarre pub singer voice. Bellowing without feeling and pronouncing everything in a strange half-Americna, half-Irish accent. ‘Geeve’ is the most irritating example. The final power note is fine and very close to the Tom Jones original but, to use a Simon phrase, watching it was a bit like eating water. Boring and difficult.
Mary doesn’t weep or look happy when they cheer, probably because she’s come to expect it. She won’t be so smug now Louis has been on Xtra Factor saying Matt will win and Mary should be glad to make the final. Dannii wants to hear some current songs and Simon – for once – agrees with her and backs her up. And kind of completely goes back on his advice last week when he said she should do the same reheated shit every week. Simon is no consistent male role model for all the fatherless sons watching, is he?

9. ONE DIRECTION – A brood of chicks
In their VT, Liam looks more and like a cryptkeeper. Or with that side parting, Victoria Beckham. I know - same thing, same thing. Master Payne needs to eat something. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying it because I have a mother’s worries for him.
There’s then some backstage drama when Simon admits the song he picked didn’t work – and they need to do a new song. Simon completely goes against the whole nature of the X Factor VT saying they’ll be fine. Or, to quote, ‘no drama, no will they won’t they – they’ll just do it.’ Well, we knew this Simon. The same way we knew Matt would hit that High C and that we knew Alexandra would sound awesome while dancing around like she’s in a homosexual dance club. Yet you inflicted VTs with contrived drama on us then!
Turns out Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. I guess she won’t be appearing on a results show any time soon. Or maybe it’s just a guilty pleasure because only gayboys like Pink? Or maybe it’s a guilty pleasure because they can tell it’s a really really bad song. In which case they shouldn’t be singing it. And I shouldn’t be made to listen to it. I have such qualms with this theme.
They sing without making too many errors but it’s not as rousing as their Coldplay cover. That’s a message to all you future X Factor contestants reading: if you want rousing, think Coldplay.
Louis says they’re five Justin Biebers. That’s not fair – Harry and Zain look nothing like lesbians. Liam might if he ate more. Dannii doesn’t think Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. Oh and Aint Nobody does? Shush Minogue. The other judges don’t say much else of note. More interesting is the news from The Xtra Factor that only the ugly one has a girlfriend. Good news, girls – Liam is still single. If you buy enough of his records, maybe he’ll let you be his feeder.

10. BELLE AMIE – A pack of dogs
We see a VT of them refusing to sing Simon’s song and choosing their own. Cheryl asks ‘if you pick your own song, what’s the point of having a mentor?’ Don’t pull at that thread, Cheryl. Your job depends on it.
The song they demanded to sing is I’ll Stand By You, as sung well by The Pretenders and less so by Girls Aloud and the Glee Cast. I don’t see it as a song to have any strong feelings about it but then I’m not in a ropey girl band. Their version is a little cacophonous. I only had one Kopparberg but I didn’t have the energy to write anything else in my notes. Let’s assume it was serviceable in a ‘better than Addictiv Ladiez’ way.
Louis snipes at Simon, saying they have no mentor. I don’t know why Louis cares so much about them – he can’t want to sleep with any of them. Dannii thinks they’re dressing better but the song choice is dull. She also very nicely says they’re not as good as the other acts. The girls look crushed, almost as if they understand that the bad singing is more important than the good Top Shop outfits. Simon asks why Louis is such a bitch. I can think of at least one reason but it’s libellous and Louis could probably afford to sue.

11. JOHN – A phoenix, only without the rising again
In his VT, we see John get mobbed while shopping and Mary grabbing his hand and asking for his help. It must be like being back at work in the Nursing home for him! We are promised we will see the ‘Fun side’ of John. This promise is not kept. Simon says nothing about him, possibly because he has nothing to say.
I don’t recognise this song at first. All I notice is he has his hair forced back with a band and a suit so ridiculous Paije might have worn if it was three sizes bigger.
Simon gives the backing dancers the stink eye. They flail around and the camera follows them rather than John. I still don’t know the song. He seems to be singing to Sue or about a Zoo. There’s some nice falsetto but it’s all in vain I think. I wrote in my notes ‘I can’t see people voting for this.’ And once again he looks like he's about to cry. He should have done – Paije would have been in the bottom two that way.
Dannii hates the distracting dancers. In fact, the whole panel praise the singing and criticise Louis for letting the dancers distract from it. Strange none of them criticise the cameramen for following the dancers and ignoring the talent.
John lands in the bottom two and decides to sing Kelly Clarkson. And not even good Kelly Clarkson. He forgets the words but keeps going. I write in my notes ‘Good on him.’ Then he forgets them again – and yelps – and I lose all sympathy. Even though the song’s only a few years old, the performance seems ancient. Gone are the glory days of his Billionaire cover. Gone is John from the show. Louis really fucked this one up, though he deserves some credit for choosing him in the first place.

12. WAGNER – A jungle cat
On his VT, Wagner is wonderful. I love how he pronounces Paparazzi correctly. I love his hair. I love him talking about angels and the beautiful ladies.
He sings Spice Up Your Life with Cuban showgirls. It doesn’t really work as a solo. The ‘Spice Up Your Life’ chant is performed by the world’s quietest backing group. Then he does more Ricky Martin and the backing group suddenly get loud. But not loud enough to drown him out. His faces gain a Aiden-esque intensity but he doesn’t seem like such a twat. It ends with the dancers flashing him. This was the natural step up from titrubbing, I guess.
Last year I ranked Jedward first most weeks and I don’t feel remotely bad about it. Everyone else was boring or shit. This year is different. Everyone else tonight has been at least okay – and some have been amazing –so I’m disinclined to like him as much. Katie brought enough crazy for everyone and Matt and Rebecca brought excellent vocals. Wagner loses out on both fronts and so has to be last.
Dannii calls him a guilty pleasure and praises his enunciation this week. Cheryl didn’t like it this week and Simon wants to know Wagner likes what he’s doing. Wagner is very tactful saying he’d like to sing arias but is happy to ham it up because of his Latin fire. I’d like to see him do an aria – in the bottom two next week.

Thex Factor – Heroes Week – ‘And then you finally see the truth’

2010-10-18T13:47:00.000-07:00

1. It is Heroes week
And this means that the acts that aren’t meant to do well sing songs by their heroes. With varying results. Acts like One Direction and Matt Cardle, who are meant to make the final, sing any old shit with better results. It is becoming far easier to see behind the great Wizard’s curtain this year, isn’t it?

2. Three homosexuals down, at least one more to go
Diva Fever and Storm prove that being exaggerated versions of something bad never pays off for anyone. I will miss Diva Fever only because of the great chance they would relive the wondrous audition by Ab-Lisa and someone would get elbowed across the face in a girly way. Belle Amie also received few votes but were rightly saved by the judges.

3. Vickers 2, Perry 0
Musical heroes to no one Diana Vickers and Katy Perry were the guest performers. As well as having infinitely better morals than Perry, Vickers outperformed her in a decisive way this weekend. Diana was new sorts of amazing and made me long for season 5 – the year when our humble blog Thex Factor was born, after all. She was so good that it becomes a bit mean to the current contestants – like when Leona and Alexandra returned with their new singles and sounded unfairly better than Olly Murs and Leon Jackson The song is catchy and odd and perfectly-sung. Who cares that she’ll get sued! By contrast, Katy’s is dull and generic and appallingly-sung. She sounds worse than Aiden, when screaming out of tune. Katy could be used in a PSHE lesson about what can go wrong when you make ‘irritating slut’ the basis of your personality. Learn from her children, she was too big a whore for the kindhearted folks from Sesame Street. What an embarrassment.

I can’t be bothered googling amusing lyrics so I’m going for similes this week. On with the rankings.

1. MATT – Like a siren with a beard
There is some drama in his VT about how Matt is ‘attempting to do something’ and is nervous. How vague. What it could be? Turns out it’s a High C, which is a high note in case you hadn’t guessed that from the name. The vocal coaches are behind him but have some concerns. Cheryl pretends to understand what they’re talking about.
His song is by Bruno Mars and it is lovely from the first note. I stopped writing pissy notes just to listen. I can’t help but feel Bruno Mars is no one’s hero but then I can’t help Katy Perry is a twat and she was allowed on.
Louis Walsh said Matt stole the truth (which: true) while Simon claimed there were bum notes (which: not true and purely based on Simon wanting his boy band to win.)

2. JOHN – Like a lovely answer to a question you never asked
John in his VT says he was surprised to make it through. Weren’t we all? I think people were voting for his wonderful Billionaire cover the week before.
John gives an emotional performance during rehearsal and even cries a bit because the song means so much to him. There’s then some invented drama and conjecture about what might happen if he cries during the real song. It’s along the standard lines of ‘if the performance goes badly, it will be bad’ but with a twist of male weeping. John clearly won’t cry on stage because he’s not an idiot like Katie Weasel.
He’s singing A Song For You, which is a pretty boring choice. I smile when he gets the words wrong – and sings that he’s acted out his life in stages. How meaningful can a song be when you don’t understand it or know the words? His performance features some very pleasant, broken yelping and then runs a plenty. The arrangement does him a world of favours – it’s very bare, almost as bare as when Danyl just had a metronome for Careless Whisper. It’s very well sung and I can almost forgive him for pointing into the camera and implying to all the fat middle-aged women he’s really singing the song to them.

3. PAIJE – Like a blind date who’s too fat for you to consider a future with
In Paije’s VT, we learn he has to get used to moving and singing. He needs to improve his stamina and not get out of breath singing for one and a half minutes. Oh the trials of a fat pop star!
After all that stamina business, turns out he’s doing an Alicia Keys ballad and mainly sitting down. When he does stand, he waves his arms a bit but isn’t doing a full tranny club dance routine like Alexandra would have. Around him, the slutty dancers wear suits and writhe around with canes. Saucy! There is a nice bit where he has a big spasm and then lots of spasmy bits. It’s an intensely boring song so the growling and nonsense scatting and falsetto bits are really needed.
Simon Cowell and Dannii debate about the slutty dancers and whether they were was relevant. I think whores with canes are always relevant. Plus, it did kind of make sense because there was a Cabaret (the film, not the insult), piano bar vibe to the performance. Well done Paije.

4. CHER – Like a thin Vicky Pollard in the episode where she gets a black boyfriend
I’m definitely on board the Cher train now. I even forgive her for having massive eyes and reminding me of Katy Perry. Her VT was probably my favourite because it showed her dressed as a witch singing Defying Gravity. I love that she was a dramafag once. I wonder when the wigger gene kicked in
Her VT tells us she’s doing an innovative, mash up which is a big risk. Turns out she’s doing Hard Knock Life by Jay Z, only with slightly more bits from the showtune original. When she raps she reminds me of Lady Saw and I really enjoy the stomping. It doesn’t make as much sense, either artistically or commercially, as last week’s but I did like it.
Louis says she looks like a popstar and thinks she’s brave mixing Jay Z with Annie. Wasn’t Jay Z the brave one by mixing himself with Annie twelve years ago? Plus, I don’t think popstars are really meant to dress like Sir Mix A Lot. Dannii didn’t love it and isn’t sure that the big risk (of copying Jay Z’s risk pretty much verbatim) paid off

5. 1DIRECTION – Like N Sync, with fewer fugs
Their VT upset me. I learn Liam was five when Robbie Williams broke through. This is terrifying news and makes me feel so old. Harry has to go the doctors. What is with this band and trips to the hospital? First, the ugly one stood on an anemone and now the lead singer is getting vomitous stagefright. Perhaps they’re planning an insurance scam?
When the song kicks in, I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. Their personal heroes are Kelly Clarkson? I don’t believe that for a second. I doubt she’s even the possibly gay one’s hero. Also, why would Liam’s hero be someone who eats? I call so much bullshit about this song choice and Simon clearly ignoring the theme of his own show. Zain does lots of vibrato and it’s hard to tell if he’s showboating or just songruining. The whole thing is a bit of a mess – they sound a bit like they’re shouting, but in a timid girly way. They sound like Chumbawumba without the activism. The girls in the audience cream and scream though so they are clearly doing something right.
Louis quite rightly asks ‘Kelly Clarkson – a hero?’ and a swath of Clarkson fans in the audience boo. The ladies don’t say much of note while Simon says they’re the best band in the country. Somewhere, one of Westlife cries.

6. REBECCA – Like Corinne Bailey Rae given Lady Gaga’s make up bag
Rebecca continues the trend of making me look back at Series 5 and smiling as in her VT her tranny make up reminds me of Alexandra Burke. But less fun Her big VT drama is her shoulders. They’re a little concaved while they should back and closer together. This is terrible drama, even worse than the risk that Matt might not sing a song perfectly or that Paije would have to stand for a minute and not have a coronary.
Rebecca is ‘Feeling Good’ doing Nina Simone (ah! The word play!) but doesn’t sound too amazing. She’s doing a rocked up version and you can barely hear her. Her purple dress isn’t flattering either and her black lipstick makes her look like a drag queen goth. The song ends with some strange whistle notes that don’t work and can’t really be heard over the scary backing. It’s over without much fanfare and she looks at the floor and smiles.
The judges are all praise and smiles. She did sound AMAZING during the group song on Sunday though so I can sort of see why the judges love her so.

7. BELLE AMIE – Like a ropey girl band cobbled together after All Saints and Spice Girls made it big
Their VT harps on about their potential, but the clips of them singing say otherwise. They were horrendous last week and it all just came back to me. I felt sorry for Esther Campbell who spoke and had her name written as Esther Capmbell on screen. The producers won’t learn their names – what chance do they have? We then see very damaging rehearsal footage where they all argue about who sings and who doesn’t. I have never seen such backstage bitchery shown on this show. They usually go to great lengths to pretend that the Danyls of this world aren’t complete tools. Cheryl has no time for the girls’ complaints and says some people just sound better on certain songs and they have to get over it. Or start a solo career where the Irish girl who can sing won’t be given all the solos!
Belle Amie do a High School Musical cover of the Kinks. It’s not terribly sung and as far as I can tell, they all get a solo part. The 60s hair was the best bit though.
Their real triumph came in the final showdown when they took on Fergie. This was a wise choice, as it’s very easy to live up to the original when you cover Fergie. It’s tentative but more relevant than Diva Fever. Even the first screech cover has a quaint amateur caroller appeal to it. They really improve as the song goes on and I give them props for not weeping and singing as awfully as last week. Snaps too for the harmonies. And for managing to crammy all that song’s many many lyrics into such a small space. (Who knew Fergie was so lyrically dense? And not just intellectually so.)

8. WAGNER – Like a joke that’s not as funny when you repeat it
Even seeing ten seconds of ‘She Bangs the Love Shack’ during the VT made me laugh. Gosh, it was wonderful wasn’t it? Wagner continues to be great value when he speaks. ‘I didn’t known how mad I was until I saw myself,’ he says. Wonderful. The X Factor is like an intervention.
He once again has scary cleavage and his dancers have the best routine by a mile.
And there is a mariachi band – who we sadly don’t see. He continues to look astounded by life as he sings. His power notes are fine and I heart his broken English. In my notes I write ‘Much better than Aiden’ but my heart says ‘Not as funny as last week.’ There is more whorish dancer tit rubbing at the end – this time they’re not doing it to themselves. This weirdness is getting more graphic each week – they’ll be frigging elbow deep if he makes it all the way to the finale.
During the judging, it becomes clear Wagner is lovely. He talks back – in a lovely way – when Dannii disses his accent. He then gives a speech about Mary’s character. He can see beauty in something so ugly. What a gent.

9. TREYC – Like Maria Lawson after she’s been punched repeatedly in the throat
In her VT, we see Treyc being bummed for her ultra-wonky cover of One last week.
They show the botched power note twice, while interspersed with praise. It’s almost an X File how the judges are saying one thing while reality is clearly so different. Her VT is very cocky with much talking about how good she was last week and how amazing she was as a child in a nativity. Maybe THAT’S why Cher and Katie don’t like her – because she’s a show off.
Her song is Purple Rain and her hero is Prince. Her hero should be Ruth Lorenzo because Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this song was much better. The gospel choir do much of the heavy lifting at the beginning and she is horridly offkey towards the end. The middle is fine though with some pleasant growling.
Dannii is very nice unsurprisingly. She’s trying very hard to be the inoffensive voice of the people this year. I liked when she used to say slightly bitchy things, like when she told Diana to lose the claw and called Danyl a big fairy. Cheryl says she’s the least assuming person she knows. She means unassuming. I hope Cheryl will continue to grasp at vocabulary she doesn’t quite understand. She’s the Mrs. Malaprop of pop!

10. DIVA FEVER – Like Stonewall was for nothing
I read an article in the free paper they give you on the bus. They called Diva Fever ‘a gimmick act.’ Is being gay a gimmick? I thought it was just a curse. Or an inconvenience, at best
In their VT, they say last week was ‘best Saturday night of our lives’ Even better than when you went bareback in an alley? I don’t believe it, annoying one from Diva Fever! The one who doesn’t sing has laryngitis. Like a tree falling in a distant forest, no one will know.
When their performance begins, I write ‘Oh Christ, there are dancers in speedos.’ Diva Fever are – thank God – well covered. They’re doing Barbra Streisand – the song, not the woman. So I guess that makes Duck Sauce their heroes? They’ve had one hit. This is a bit confusing. The one with laryngitis croaks occasionally and adds nothing to the song. The backing singers do 90% of the thing. They yell out Barbra Streisand and Diva Fever and Louis Walsh. It makes no sense but I can see why you might find it amusing if you were a bit thick.
Dannii likes it because I’m guessing her normal fags have found new hags. The other judges like it too but the public don’t. Diva Fever end up in the bottom three. You’d think they’d like it in the bottom. Saucy! They sing I Will Survive because they’re gay don’tcha know. They are attempting some sort of RnB singing and it is very odd but not unpleasant. The unsinging one vamps and swoons and we see up his nostrils. If the other one bent over with his pants down I bet we could see his pancreas. Instead, we just see his bile when he’s voted off.

11. KATIE – Like a student who’s all kooky but votes Tory
Katie says she didn’t mind being in the bottom three and being less popular than Belle Amie. She says: ‘It set me free’ What does that mean? Oh, in the bottom three, she got to sing her own song. Oh shush bitch, you sang your audition song last week. It’s not like you were forced to sing Kris Kross. In her VT, we also learn Katie was a huge Care Bear and Kylie fan. Ha! We had the same childhood Maybe that’s why I hate her so
She’s singing Etta James, who is her other musical hero. I remember this fact from back when I liked her. It is a gorgeous song sung serviceably for a while then sung terribly. She attempts to scat but does so with far less panache – and vocal prowess – than say John or Paije. Who don’t even need to break a sweat to sound good. Though, ironically Paije breaks a sweat lifting a pencil. That’s my last Paije is fat joke until next week I swear.

12. STORM – Like Jamie Afro without even the novelty of an afro
Louis introduces him by calling him ‘Someone singing a Bruce Springsteen song.’ Ha! Storm doesn’t get a name – he’s just someone. It’s a promotion from being a no one.
In his VT we re-see Simon saying ‘you’re a failed rockstar.’ Storm asks how can you be a failure and sing in front of 20 million people? He’ll get his answer in two months time. If the answer he got Sunday night wasn’t clear enough.
He rides a staitonary motorbike and he sounds swine-flu nasal. We see a few obligatory shots of the audience and there seems to be a few people dancing a bit. In their seats, mind, no one cares enough to get up His voice doesn’t go wrong but the performance is intrinsically pointless. He yells ‘come on’ and ‘one more time’ a lot to the audience because he wants to go from failed rockstar to failed club singer. Louis looks bored and then does a few whoops when he realises the camera’s on him.
Dannii offers some pity praise to seem kinder and praises his voice and hair. Cheryl calls him on the bombast while Simon praises Cheryl for looking less orange. Ha! All the bullshit Simon will spout this season can now be forgiven because he dissed Cheryl. If he calls her a racist thug one week, I will send my pants to him.

13. BIG FAT MARY – Like a barwoman handed a microphone
Why does Wagner fancy her? She revolts me – even the fact that she says tousand rather than thousand can’t make me warm to her in anyway. In her VT, Dannii calls her a cabaret artist and then vocal coach Yvie points out every time Mary sounds cabaret during rehearsal. This happens a lot and you can see Yvie chuckle to herself.
Her performance is, to be kind, ropey. Her accent is bizarre and she sounds exactly like she’s trying to sing over a stag night at the back of the pub. She’s hoarse in the most horrible way. Pained even.
There is a huge amount of audience whooping when it’s over and she cries. I hope they’re just whooping BECAUSE it’s over but I doubt that’s true. On the plus side, I don’t think she’s faking her tears She actually convulses.
Dannii wants some modern songs, which I agree with, while Cheryl respects her as a woman. Simon doesn’t respect her at all, which I agree with, but likes that she’s old

14. AIDEN – Like a serial killer singing in his cell
We see a VT of Aiden showing us his Mad World, while wearing a shirt that looks quite a bit like a straitjacket. He’s bravely singing John Lennon – and he’s personally invested because he’s singing one of his favourite songs ever. I like that he’s following the theme and doing his hero
We see some wonderful footage of him fucking up the song time after time in rehearsal. At times I think Yvie will stab him.
He’s just as shit on stage – it’s all very strained and he sings a bit like Rebecca at times. In my notes I wrote ‘Her eyes are closed again’ and I don’t think there’s any moral reason to change the pronoun. The performance is all so affected and he’s terribly out of tune and out of time. His whole face vibrates every time he attempts a ‘note.’ John Lennon was not been this mistreated since he was murdered. In essence, big problems will come when you sing a brilliant, simple song with a shit, ridiculous voice. I think this is the worst solo performance I’ve ever seen on the show. It is on a par with that week Lloyd lost his voice in the bottom two or when Rachel Hylton did terrible things to Take That.
He has total stinkface, almost as if he realises how bad it was. I don’t think that’s possible – we need to send him the footage. Louis Walsh says positive things without making any reference to the actual performance, where no positive things can be said. Cheryl says it was shaky, Simon says it was worse and then Dannii begs for votes.
Aiden wins some self-awareness points by saying it was a ‘bit rubbish’ but then stomps and actually sticks out his bottom lip. How old is this fool?
He then compounds the error on Sunday night during the group cover of Lady Gaga.
He sounds terrible and continues to look like a Thomas Harris murderer. Telephone is a fun, ridiculous song. Watching a performance of it should never make you want to put the lotion in the basket. Aiden deserves the hose again after this weekend.

Thex Factor - Number Ones - 'I don't understand why you're number one'

2010-10-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It’s the first of the live shows
And these are almost always wonderful because the judges feel the need to cause controversy and because so many performers do not feel the need to sing well. Think back to Leon desecrating the Beatles, Sharon threatening to quit, Lloyd making Bleeding Love bleed and Dannii calling Danyl a big girl. Aah – happy times. Tonight’s show was of a pretty high quality – everyone was fine bar one insanely amusing act, two very bad ones.

2. There are categories and judges
And if you don’t know who these are by now, I am not the person to explain it to you. Ask your hairdresser. In judge fashion news, Dannii is a good-looking Miss Havisham (with a lacey wedding dress and crazy hair) while Cheryl looks bizarre and her forehead is different colours in different places. Bits of it are so dark, I keep expecting her to attack her forehead in a club toilet

3. There is a big twist
And it’s one we all read about in the paper. Each category now has an extra contestant, chosen by the judge for their category. These extras are called ‘Wild Cards,’ which can be roughly translated as ‘more filler.’

4. The theme is number ones
And not just UK number ones - the song can have been number one anywhere in the world. So it’s pretty much just ‘hits’ week. Despite a plethora of choices, the judges still make some wonky decisions. (A rock Kelly Rowland cover? Really?) Usher and Joe McElderry perform live because they’ve both had number ones. How tidy.

5. History is made
For the first time ever, the first evictee did not have a vagina. (Think I’m making this up? Roberta, Addictiv Ladies, Unconventionals, Kimberley, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain went first their years.) The nearest we got to kicking out a cunt was having Katie in the bottom 3.

On with the rankings…

1. WAGNER – ‘When marimba rhythmns start to play’
Wagner has won my heart in a way that no PE teacher ever has before. He seems to have won Louis’s too who announced him by saying: ‘For music lovers everywhere, it’s Wagner.’ He gives good VT by telling us he’s from Brazil via Dudley and compares being picked a wild card to being resurrected from the dead. He also forgets his words and looks either drunk or baked throughout.
He then out-Jedwards Jedward with a remarkable cover of She Bangs. He has his hand on his hip like a little teapot and sings in Broken English. He wears giant hooker earrings that would make Chloe Maffia say ‘oh no, they’re too much.’ He then starts angrily playing the bongos before breaking into Love Shack. The whole thing is glorious and ends with all his backing dancers sticking their tongues out and rubbing their tits. Dannii Minogue looks horrified but goes on to give Wagner some Jedwardian feedback praising him for being entertaining. I know it seems silly to have such a bad singer a high ranking but this is one of only two performances I rewatched on YouTube. And it’s the only one that made me wee myself, just a tiny tiny bit.

2. 1DIRECTION – ‘Jerusalem bells are ring a dingin’
1 Direction tackle Viva La Vida and it turns out the song sounds okay when it’s serviceably sung and no one raps. JERUSALERM BLUD! In fact, it sounds better than okay because it appears all the members of this band can sing, apart from maybe the ugly one who has been cursed twice. Zain sings well but looks nervous. Harry dances and stares furiously. The Eoghan Quigglet is ok – and does amusing hand gestures like he’s in Butlins. Liam does most of the singing and sounds better than he should and looks worse than I can deal with. Everyone goes on about Cher looking frail but if anyone needs forcefeeding by a drip, it’s Liam. I’m sure I can make out his skull. These 5 boys make more noise than JLS ever could – the woah woah bits are particularly good – and earn rapturous praise. It’s not the world’s most exciting performance but they are ones to watch.

3. CHER – ‘Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we hear it from the people of the town’
In her VT, she says some people don’t think she’s strong enough for the competition, which I’m not sure was the real issue. Rather, most people didn’t think she was good enough for it.
She then performs Just Be Good To Me, which is an awesome song on many levels, as a very meta mash-up thing with Just Be Good To Green. It is ace and much better sung than almost anything sung so far. The rapping is infinitely better than the attempts made by Simon’s bands. The dancing is frantic but doesn’t affect her singing, which is perfectly pop without ever going Disney.
Louis loved it and Dannii said she was watchable and in great voice. Simon reiterates she deserves to be in the final 12 which remains debatable. (This was good but I’m sure Gamu or Kerrie would have sounded better.) Bowled over by the praise, Cher says she feels wicked in her best Westwood voice. The Jerusalem bells are truly ring a dinging

4. MATT – ‘If you live at home with your mama, oh yes son I’m talking to you’
In his VT, Matt says it’s ‘not cool’ living at home at his age and that it’s awkward when he brings girls home to fuck and his parents are there. As sob stories go, that’s pretty relatable. He gets criticised by Cheryl Cole for shutting his eyes, about which I call so much bullshit. I think Cheryl should learn to sing well before criticising eye-closing. Also, she shouldn’t have Rebecca in her category or even call Aiden by name if it bothers her that much.
Matt is made to sing Kelly Rowland because Dannii loves giving contestants dance songs that don’t suit them (see also: Rachel doing Robyn, Nicolo gone Gaga). To make it butcher, it’s a strange rock cover that reminds me of something you’d hear on Radio 1 covers albums. The song is bizarre, and Matt himself is a little fidgety, but there is no denying he has vocal tricks the others would eat Cher whole to get.

5. MARY – ‘The town gets infested with Langers’
Rotund Irish diva Mary has quite a dull VT where we learn she lives in a two-bedroomed house. But how many bathrooms Mary? And is there gas central heating? We want all the tedious details. She also tells us she has laryngitis because the producers want her to stick around for awhile – the Celtic phone vote is a good bit of income for the show, after all. Laryngitis derailed Vickers entirely so I’m worried how will it affect someone who is a bad singer and who is too ugly to be a popstar anyway. She offers a shouty James Brown which gives me horrible flashbacks to last year and Danyl screaming at the end of every song, showing us his breakfast and his horse teeth. She tries to act, by shrugging and giving us nigh on constant Jazzhands. Bits are purely drill sargeant shouting but some bits are vaguely forgivable, when you compare it to FYD. I wrote in my notes ‘Some people will eat this up and I was dead right: the audience don’t stop screaming and she cries
Dannii calls it ‘one of the best vocal performances on the show’ Gosh, there are a lot of conditions to that praise aren’t there. It’s essentially saying you’re seventh best of the night. Simon Cowell calls her ‘a trier’ and she looks pissed, almost as if she understands he meant that as an insult. Maybe she’s not as dumb as her singing attempts make her seem.

6. TREYC – ‘You’re starting to bore me’
Treyc is given the Pimp Spot and gets to perform last. It’s almost as if someone feels guilty that this woman’s been turned down twice in two years. In favour of that jughead Murs last year and women who can’t finish a song this year. Speaking of which, Treyc tells the nation in her VT that Cher and Katie are jealous, jealous bitches. Well, she said ‘their reception weren’t great’ but we know what she means. These VTs usually pretend everyone gets along, and never have such explicit reference to bitchery, so clearly some shit’s gone down backstage.
Treyc sings One, the song that got Rachel Adedeji evicted, and it’s effortlessly well-sung (until the final runs) but slightly boring. She’s a less good Maria Lawson from what I can see. After Leona, Alexandra and Jedward, I’m not sure that ‘less good Maria Lawson’ cuts it any more.

7. AIDEN – ‘It’s scaring me, I wanna go home’
While a lot of positive things have been said and written about Aiden, no one has mentioned the ah-MAZ-ing Aiden impression that Louis does in the VT. If I could find it on YouTube, I would link to it but for now you’ll have to trust me that it was brilliant. There’s much muttering in the VT about Aiden performing to himself and not opening his eyes. He is encouraged by all the judges and coaches to open his eyes. Oh how wrong they were…
Aiden is doing Mad World with his face pointed down but he’s looking up, which makes him look evil. Do it in front of a mirror yourself, it’s not flattering. He has huge vulture’s bags under his eyes and squirms around in a chair. He opens his eyes and angrily exhales between words and his lip wobbles like he’s about to cry. Or have a tantrum. The singing is fine when it’s soft but his voice is thin and unpleasant generally. Also, there is dry ice everywhere and dead trees. See for yourself that it’s one of the scariest faces and performances the world has ever seen. He looks like he's a five year old who’s just drowned his little brother. Who’s hoping if he twitches enough, he’ll bring his brother back to life. He only wanted to play!
The audience like it but they seem to like everything tonight.
Louis praises Aiden but grins as if he realises how fucked up that business was. Cheryl liked it too and Simon compares him to Twilight and Michael Stipe. A gay vampire? I bet that’s Aiden’s dream. The only person to reference how awkward and batshit crazy Aiden looked is Dermot. Maybe he should be a judge?

8. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move outta my way’
Louis jokes that this band are very Simon and very camp. Ha – he’s just called Simon gay! How witty! Oh the banter that must happen backstage at this show.
Diva Fever are not that awful during their VT – maybe they’ve read my blog and have decided to be less obnoxious and ignorant.
Scratch that – on stage they wear purple spangly suits. There’s a weird striptease dance routine where they hide behind a sheet and come out in aerobics outfits. They’re okay singers I suppose, in a PWL way. They get very flat at times but it is all relative. Speaking of relative, these two fairies look amusingly butch compared to their dancers. Who at one point fan themselves with their limp wrists.
I’m giving Diva Fever the benefit of the doubt this week – and a pretty high ranking – because I found out one of them sings in Arabic at weddings. He’s bilingual! And possibly intelligent! Shame the other one’s only into analingual.

9. REBECCA – ‘Please don’t wake me, no don’t shake me’
In my notes during her VT, I wrote ‘difficult losing her kids blah blah.’ Says it all really. Louis says Rebecca has not much personality and her interview does not to falsify this claim.
She’s singing Teardrops, which I know as a minor dance hit from the 90s. By Lovestation. Was it a number one? Turns out it got to number one in the Netherlands. This is a very bizarre choice of song that would only really make sense if it was Minor 90s Dance week and you only had 10 songs to choose from.
She sounds very shrill and looks about 40. It is a severe stepback from her wonderful Fireflies last week.
Louis compares her to Sade and Norah Jones. Aaah, my sleeping and cooking music respectively. Dannii calls her a Style Queen even though she’s wearing maternity pants. Simon tells the miserable woman to ‘enjoy every second you have on this show.’ Enjoy it while it lasts? That’s good advice after tonight. I think Cheryl’s putting all her eggs in Cher’s basket.

10. KATIE – ‘I served my sentence but committed no crime’
Katie is very aware that there’s ‘a lot of controversy around her category.’ She’s a bright spark, her. I wouldn’t have realised that the elimination of better singers and the deportation of the very best one could be seen as controversial without being told.
She’s singing We Are The Champions almost as if she wants to prove she knows the words and can finish it this time, unlike her original audition.
She is dressed appallingly. The best way to describe it is to say she looks like Lady Gaga without the thought process: she has a helmet, a silver jumpsuit, pink tights and feathers in her hair. She plays a keyboard and sings wimpily, while visibly shaking. Like Aiden, her voice sound okay when it’s soft and, sort of to her credit, she doesn’t go for big votes unnecessarily. But soft and restrained doesn’t really cut it when you’re doing Queen.
Louis rightly says she’s more style than substance, while Dannii doesn’t even like the style. Simon thinks she’s original and different but – as I’ve said before – you could go to anyone mediocre student union or vegan café and find a Katie a day.
The voting public agree with me and she ends up in the bottom three. Her song is entirely pointless and involves her singing ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ a lot, quite poorly.
Without the helmet and visor, there’s not a lot to her.

11. NICOLO – ‘Mambo Italiano’
This Italian young man is very handsome and has an attitude that I quite like but is the complete opposite of what a (successful) X Factor should have. He always looks bored and contemptuous.
His performance however was a big disappointment. Much like Katie, he’s offering us Lady Gaga without the thought process. He wears silly shades. He has lots of dancers who look ‘broken down.’ He’s even doing a Lady Gaga song but he sounds flat and he can’t quite the words out in time and sounds a bit drunk as a result.
Cheryl is the voice of reason on the judging people and didn’t like it or the silly shades. He looks very angry when he’s told this but not as angry as he looks the next night when he’s eliminated with little fanfare and doesn’t even to get sing again.

12. JOHN – ‘Brown sugar, baby’
Just like our Italian friend, John Adeleye is very handsome and pretty cool but let me down this weekend.
In his VT, Louis calls him a dark horse and John acknowledges he’s ‘not the person everyone’s talking about.’ Everyone’s talking about the gypsy wigger and after comparing their performances, I can’t help but feel that ‘everyone’s’ got it right.
John sings Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. While wearing a suit that would be worn by a 90s boy band, like Boyz II Men. While sporting the dreadful haircut that would be sported by a 90s vocal harmony group, like Boyz II Men.
His voice sounds thin (next week, drink every time I write that!) and this song sounds pretty terrible without Mariah pleasantly shrieking over it. The whole thing has been set up like Louis’s dream performance. There is a gospel choir. There are purple snowflakes. There is bouncy dancing and a very cheesy smile. Then a horrendous falsetto squeal.
Dannii says it’s not current while Cheryl loves the song and John’s face. Simon then bitches that this song wasn’t a #1 in America, even though it was and even though the theme isn’t American #1s. Simon’s toolishness aside, there is a lot to be unhappy about here. This performance was so much worse than his jaunty Billionaire that I wept a little, deep inside. I wanted a new electrifying darkhorse like a Ruth Lorenzo. Instead I’ve been given a new Andy Abraham.

13. STORM – ‘May auld acquaintance be forgot’
Storm now has bizarre bright red hair, like the Riddler. Or Ronald McDonald He tells he was ‘born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ Yuk. How patronising. We know where that is. Well, most of us. Storm’s Californian/Scottish accent is as stupid as his hair and it may explain why no record labels have wanted him.
Storm has a silly dance routine (which at one point involves him crowdsurfing) and has authentic Rawk make up (which at all points involves him looking like a tool.)
He’s singing We Built This City and he’s not out of tune or anything but he does nothing to make a bad song sound better.
The judges say okay things apart from Simon Cowell who unleashes a barrage of awesome criticism. First he says Louis has ‘turned him into something out of Batman.’ Ha! Like the Riddler, Simon? Our minds are one. Then he up the ante by calling Storm ‘somebody that’s failed to be a rockstar’ and coolly ends with: ‘It is kind of absurd but maybe it’ll work.’ Storm must be a complete tosser backstage because I’m not sure I have ever seen an attack like that on a first show.

14. PAIJE – ‘Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby’
Honeyvoiced cinema usher Paije tells us he lives in a Maisonette. I have no idea what one of them is. Is it like a bungalow? Is it a poor thing? Simon calls Paije a yoyo because he’s been told no then yes so many times on this show. By Pixie Lott and Dannii Minogue no less!
When I realise he’s singing Killing Me Softly, I write ‘Ace’ in my notes. I hope that he’ll rap or at least yell one time two time refugee camp. But alas, all we get is a limp cover over an inexcusably cheap backing track. Also, he’s wearing a stolen MC Hammer jacket which is even worse than John wearing a stolen Boyz II Men jacket.
Cheryl says he came out tonight and was a diva. Oh Lord, not another one. Is Matt the only one selling a heterosexual, fucking-girls-with-your-mum-next-door lifestyle to the sweet, young youth of today?

15. FYD – ‘I can’t dance, I can’t sing’
First on, second out. FYD had a lot going against them.
They’re a group – they often go first.
They’re a group with black people in – that didn’t work for 4Tune, 4Sure, Addictiv Ladies or Voices With Soul.
They were on first – that landed Rachel Adedeji and Kimberley in the first bottom two of their years.
Simon doesn’t seem to like them much – and gave them a song that John Adeleye killed just last week.
Their dire performance didn’t help matters. Their harmonies are shrill and off key. Their rapping is embarrassing, like when a primary teacher uses slang. They try to make Billionaire uptempo, and add a weird reggaeton breakdown, and make it sound very shit. Then it’s over.
The judges try to sound positive while telling them they can’t really sing. And that they’re somehow dancing too much and too little. They end up in the bottom two and do similarly terrible, out of tune things to Rihanna.
The judges don’t bother to sound positive while promptly sending them home. Being worse than Katie? That can’t be good for their already sketchy self esteem.

16. BELLE AMIE – ‘I could really use a wish right now’
Simon tells us he’s picked their song wisely and that ‘didn’t want to do girl band does girl band’ This has a wonderful cosmic irony as they’ll be doing ‘girl does girl’ in three years’ time. Or they’ll be receptionists. Either way, they definitely won’t be a successful girl band. In their VT, we learn their sound check was a disaster. I didn’t make much of this – as they used to ludicrously make out that Alexandra and Leona sometimes struggled in rehearsals – but I should have taken the VT more seriously. For my own protection.
They proceed to butcher B.o.B’s Airplanes. Their voices are shrill yet tentative. Their harmonies are as loose as Chloe Maffia. Their rapping is worse than anything I have seen on this show. Towards the end it sounds as if one of them might be able to sing but then the other three quickly drown her out. Being named after a gay porn company is clearly the least of their problems.

Thex Factor - Judges' Home - 'A Chair Is Not A House'

2010-10-05T10:43:00.001-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It’s Judges Homes’ Week
This is my favourite stage of the competition and this weekend’s episodes were of a particularly high quality. There were good singers performing well. There were strange decisions to inspire debate. There was a brazillian ex-PE teacher. It was all good.

2. Dannii is mentoring the boys
She tells us she’s watched all the auditions on DVD. How hi-tec. Maybe she’ll give her judges comments by text! She and Natalie Imbruglia watch the boys perform in Australia. Matt is pretty great doing Beyonce in a girly way. Natalie’s eyes water while Dannii does not display much emotion. In sadder news, Matt does not look good with his shirt off and looks exactly like Elliott Yamin. Nicolo sings a song about New York very well and it’s unclear whether he’s singing about a boy, a girl or a city. Welsh teen Tom has a bright red nose and ruins Robbie. Paije shows us his True Colours and it’s pretty but very boring.
Cannon fodder white boy John weakly sings Take That weakly but strongly resembles Gary Barlow. Cannnon fodder black boy Karl is so unimportant that they play an interview over his performance. The producers similarly play an interview over most of Marlon’s Alicia cover. Based on the tuneless screeching we do hear, I am grateful to the producers for this. Aidan, with his lesbian hair and mental patient singing faces, is better than usual with his Damien Rice cover but still a ball of irritation and affectation. He goes through along with Nicolo and Matt.

3. Louis loves the Oldies
So he goes to the Emerald Isle with Sharon Osbourne to judge them. He has the ugliest set of contestants in the history of the X Factor. Sharon compares them to ‘Cuckoo’s Nest.’ Ha! When Sharon thinks you’re weird, you’ve really got to worry, Oldies. You and your mind, they got issues. Househusband Steve minces around doing Get The Party Started. It’s awful but brings back wonderful memories. Yuli screams, dressed poorly and covers Dizzee Rascal. The world’s ugliest man Justin tells us he has the right look and voice for pop while wearing a feather earring and singing Lady Gaga through his nose. Wagner gives a lovely speech and then sings Candi Staton in a Brazillian accent. He looks exactly like the cowardly lion. Mary gets sad music and a sob story VT before she messes up her Coldplay performance. She’s not even a competent pub singer. She forgets the words and has the tone of a drill that really wants to please. Elesha does a perfectly fine cover of Alicia Keys and Storm pulls out all the stops doing Mariah, with pleasant wailing, whimpering and growling. Cannon fodder John Adeleye comes from nowhere to give the performance of the night. He sings Billionaire by Travie McCoy and the judges beam. The jaunty piano backing is brilliant and he bounces around knowing how well it’s going. Despite us seeing him for all of twenty seconds before tonight, he goes through and is joined by the far more desperate Storm and Mary.

4. Simon is into groups
And he gets paid for it. Just like Chloe Mafia. He’s joined by the improbably-dressed Sinitta in Marbella, which is the only judges home that actually belongs to a judge. I suppose a visit to Dannii’s bedsit wouldn’t be that much fun.
Irritating Faggot One from Diva Fever is a student and tells us ‘I don’t wanna read books me whole life.’ And that is the real problem with the modern homosexual, isn't it? He then calls Simon Darlin’ before singing Girls Aloud. Twem, the French Arab Jedward, sing Kelly Rowland and sound surprisingly strong. Princes & Rogues do a wacky cover of the Buggles and it brings as little joy as you’d expect something wacky to bring. Ropey girlband Husstle are fine while ropey boyband The Reason are shrill and just a bit old and ugly. FYD try Beggin’ with cool harmonies and bouncy dancing. Compared to John, both the singing and bouncy dancing are subpar but it is a strong audition. Simon bitches about them eing cautious and more dancers than singers because he has some inexplicable problem with them. He much prefers the bands he put together himself: girl band Belle Ami sing George Michael’s Faith while boy band 1 Direction impress with a very modern, well-sung cover of Torn. It’s mostly sung by Harry, who enunciates the word NAKED very clearly while staring at the judges. It is beyond creepy and it assures the band a place in the top 12, along with Belle Amie and FYD.

5. Cheryl’s with the girls
And has clearly been driven mad by the malaria as she makes some very odd decisions. One of which is not sending Will.I.Am home for wearing silly glasses. Simpering wimp Rebecca does Amy Winehouse doing ‘Fireflies’ and it’s haunting and old-fashioned and modern. Top marks to her! High marks must also go to Kerrie, who offers a sumptuous Green Day cover with runs that she doesn’t quite commit to. Gamu’s voice is wasted on a rather pointless Pixie Lott ballad, Annastacia is given minor Toni Braxton and Raquel does Ordinary People. Though well sung, these three and quite unsurprisingly rather pointless, minor and ordinary respectively. Treyc shrieks through Ave Maria (by Beyonce, not Schubert alas) and looks and sounds exactly like Maria Lawson. Katie wears stupid eye make-up and tells us ‘there’s no one like her in the market.’ Oh please, you could go to any veggie café or stupid open mic night find an exact replica of her. And hopefully you’d find one who can finish a whole one-minute performance in one go without crying and having to restart. For the record, that’s two times in four performances that she’s had to start again. Even more shit is Cher, who rather than admit she can’t sing has decided to have a ‘short throat.’ She half sings, half raps Cooler Than Me then gives up and must be hugged by Cheryl. She then tries again, three-quarters rapping, one-quarter singing with a silly wigger voice. JERUSALURM! When she gives up a second time, CC asks if she’ll come back later and she whispers ‘I’m done now. I’m done.’ Like she’s Eva Peron on her deathbed. She lumbers offstage and is so thin that a lackey has to open the door for her. Like Winehouse, she is now more hair than body. But the crying worked wonders as she is put through along with crier Katie and almost always about to cry Rebecca. Fun times!

A preliminary ranking of the final twelve…

1. MATT
We’ve heard him sing many times (which gives an advantage over John) and he’s never shit (which gives him an advantage over Cher). He’s not unattractive or obnoxious either. If he can mix it up and sing some boys’ songs too, he could be a very worthy winner.

2.JOHN
In a New York minute, ooooo, anything can change. I love how John has emerged as a sudden talent and he even has pretty good bookies’ odds. Time will tell whether he goes the route of the recent American Idol winners, who got very screen time, or the route of the many black contestants over the years whose names you’ve forgotten.

3. 1DIRECTION
The show needs a group to win really so I see them getting an easy ride from the judges. It also doesn’t hurt that they have at least one very good singer and the teen vote sewn up.

4. NICOLO
Is he this year’s Rhydian? They’re really building him up as this horrible diva, but with a good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.

5. STORM
Or is Storm this year’s Rhydian? They’ve given him really stupid dyed hair, to go with his almost good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.

6. FYD
FYD were definitely the least of all evils when it came to the unmanufactured groups. It’s a shame Simon has no interest in them winning.

7. REBECCA
She’s only had one good performance so far so she is still an unknown quantity. But she has never yelled the word JERUSALURM so she has one up on some

8. BELLE AMIE
Their cover of Faith was fine but they seem quite anonymous. They could amuse the staff here at Thex if they borrow some of Chloe Mafia’s outfits and do Get Sexy. In the Green home with Louis, he say Hey Sexy.

9, KATIE
I used to like Katie and her drama queen/covert bitch ways but I have no time for people who weep mid-song. Or who can’t finish a song

10. AIDAN
I have liked every song that Aidan has performed. The original, that is. I have hated all of his covers. He needs to learn to sing well, open his eyes and not take hairstyle tips from Diva magazine.

11. CHER
Cher is Aisleyne without the charm or morals. She is Westwood without the commitment to being ridiculous. She is hideously ugly. She has stupid hair. She cannot sing. She cannot rap. Based on the visual evidence, she cannot feed herself. Still, she can take solace in the fact I put Joe last on my rankings last year and clearly know nothing.

12. MARY
Or Cher can take solace in the fact that she’s better than Mary. At least I half-heartedly wonder what dreadful thing Cher will do next. At least I can do impressions of Cher when bored or drunk. JERUSLURM! Mary has nothing to offer Thex. Or the world. Back to the tills, she must go.

Thex Factor - Boot Camp 2 - 'When the rain is blowing in your face'

2010-09-29T04:27:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It was more of the same
More drama! More prossy! More pleasant wailing! For the first half of the show that is – it was just more performances. We got to hear everyone we wanted to and more. So Katie who I already ranked highly for being a covert bitch in my last post actually sang this time.

2. Announcements were made
They packed a lot into this hour and ten. They even managed to fit in a rule change whereby being 28 is officially old, not 25. Well done, producers. If only you could fit more of value into the auditions weeks. So as well as the new auditions, we were given the names of our final 32.

3. The girls are: Katie (covert bitch), Kerrie (filler), Racquel (fodder), Treyc (from last year), Annastacia (from two years ago), Rebecca (the whisperer), Cher (the badass rudegal) and Gamu (who becomes a hunchback after her name is called and then collapses into Dermot’s catholic arms). No vice girl Chloe – shame.

4. The boys are: John (no idea), Nicolo (diva), Paije (Louis's pet), Aiden (Gayface), Marlon (black Shayne Ward), Karl (no idea), Matt (who is good) and Tom (who is Welsh.) Harry is rejected at this stage but for some reason the cameras follow also-rejected Liam around even though he is transparently shit.

5. The oldies are: Steve (the househusband), Yuli (the Dutchwoman), Storm (and his Charisma Unique Nerve and Talent), Wagner (the red Indian who’s only really appeared on ITV2), Justin (orange gayface), John (?) and Mary (fat checkout lady). There’s an eighth person in this category but she is not named due to terrible editing and/or counting by X Factor bigwigs.

6. The groups are: Twem (French jedward), The Reason (boy band), Diva Fever (the Proud Marys), FYD (boy band), Princes & Rogues (boy band), Husstle (girl band). Because there wasn’t enough talent in this category they’ve also cobbled together a boy band and girl band out of contestants rejected in the proper categories. This means Harry and Liam still stick around in a boy band and no girls of interest stay around in a girl band.

7. The judges get their categories
Cheryl gets all the girls, she gets all the girls. Dannii has the boys, her previous winning category. Simon is stuck with groups while Louis definitely picks the short straw with the old people. Cheryl will probably win unless Matt suddenly becomes sexy. Here’s hoping he does.

On with the rankings…

1. GAMU – ‘This is Anti-Auotune’
We see her audition without autotune and it sounds way better. Big surprise
Her version of ‘Make You Feel My Love’ is pretty much perfect and pisses on the really very good versions we heard from Annastacia the other week and Katie this weekend. The wailing is excellent and her voice breaks in a positive, Vickersian way. There’s a power note that’s somehow really a whimper that floats away to nothing. Someone in the audience cries and so does Louis. The Jesse.

2. NICOLO – ‘Diva is a female version of a hustler’
Nicolo definitely wins points for personality by bitching about the Bootcamp experience. He says ‘the air conditioning is crazy’ which is exactly the sort of thing that Nikki Grahame or myself would complain about. And that’s not a good thing. He also says ‘they don’t call it boot camp for nothing’ which amused me as surely he’d know from gay porn what boot camp is really like. He also chooses to spend his time with the coaches bitching he doesn’t have a mic stand. On stage, he’s doing Life on Mars and he’s quite good. He builds his performance and somehow manages to be heard over a very loud band. The producers must hate him because the loudness of the band was at a ‘sabotage’ volume rather than ‘incompetent mixing’ volume.

3. DIVA FEVER – ‘Big and strong, enough to turn me on’
My inner child is confused and my inner snark is infuriated when these proud Marys walk on stage. They tell us they are ‘Friends’ and have known each other for a few years. We must assume they’ve been more than friends after a few poppers. One is wearing a croptop because he’s got confused again and thinks that being ‘the woman’ during anal means you are actually a woman. The manliest thing about them is their eye make up.
Onstage, one minces around and shrieks about how different they are. Arms flailng, voices piercing. Yes, they’re clearly very different. There’s nothing as different a flaming queer.
They then do Lady Gaga because there’s nothing as different as a gay who likes Gaga.
They’re so, so strained and high pitched. Officially, Gaga is more man than the pair of them. I bet they’re too girly to dance around in blood too. I’m very worried they’ll be in the final 12.

4. AIDAN – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
We see a VT of his first audition where gayface, closed eyes and shouting were the order of the day. And not even lovely tuneful shouting like we’d get from a Clarkson or a Lorenzo.
Aidan appears to have Rihanna’s haircut circa 2008 and we learns he’s doing This Year’s Love which is one of my favourite songs. I hope it shoots up the iTunes chart.
Brian Friedman tells him to open his damn eyes.
His version is very whiney and involves a lot of grimacing and lipshaking Then he forgets the words. Ha! His eyes of course stay clamped shut and he grabs at his shirt buttons like a twat. Then hops a bit. The consensus from the judges is that he needs to open his eyes. I think he needs to do a lot more but then I think Cher Lloyd is shit. I clearly know nothing. JERUSALURM!

5. REBECCA – 'The Voice Within'
It seems to be very deep within with this girl. Imperceptible even. Rebecca’s first audition featured weeping, closed eyes and what could most generously be described as whimpering instead of singing. On the plus side, she wore lovely pearls.
Vocal coach John Modi wants her to get out her brilliant voice. John Modi clearly suffers fools far too gladly. In her rehearsal, she sounds dreadful. There is no beautiful voice to get out. Oh and to top it all off, she has swapped her nice pearls for enormous hideous earrings.
She tells us that she ‘should continue on in this competition’ The phrase ‘continue on’ appears in every episode of America’s Next Top Model. Maybe she thinks she’s on that show? That would explain why she’s not attempting to sing well.
She does Corinne Bailey Rae as sung by a drunk. It’s whispery and whimpery and slurred and strained and shrill. She gets very sharp very easily. Simon oohs and aahs about her recording voice. I think she’d have to work hard to have a record-over-it voice. Still at least, she doesn’t rap. OPRAH! BELLS! RING-A-DINGIN!

Thex Factor – Boot Camp 1 – ‘Many have used her and many still do’

2010-09-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It’s Boot Camp bitches
But without pregnant Dannii or malaria-ridden Cheryl. Too bad, so sad. I didn’t miss them this week. The show without them was awesome – easily the best of the season. And also, with them gone, Simon got to call them ‘lapdogs.’ Don’t believe me? Start watching 19 minutes in. This episode ruled on high. Elbow were not used as backing music – instead we got Muse, Joshua Radin and The Veronicas. And even the montages were well-executed and informative!

2. This episode had the following brilliant idea.
Everyone in each category did the same song. I know what you’re thinking – that happens anyway. Every year, someone does that song about how they’ve acted out their lives in or on stages. Every year, someone butchers Winehouse. Same shit every time blah blah blah. However, this time it was on purpose! The girls do Beyonce, the boys do Jacko, the groups do Starship (because nobody likes the groups) and the oldies went Gaga. It was an excellent way of seeing who could sing in tune (Harry) and who could scare the shit out of a vampire (Cher). It also allowed the editors to do some fun montages where we saw all the contestants sing no more than a line. They spent literally twelve seconds on the groups. I counted. Simon comapared the Oldies to Star Trek. Star Trek aliens or Star Trek fans? It’s not clear what he meant. Anyway the contestants are all different ages and weights and races and some are big band singers and some are opera singers so, yes, when you shove them all into a montage, they will look a bit weird.

3. Then the contestants had to dance and sing
First, they had to dance in a big group to Lady Gaga, which wasn’t judged but was still watched by judges who passed judgements. Hmm. Next was the singing and Thex would have you know that the show featured some brilliant auditions. And some not so brilliant. And some fascinating and divisive auditions. More on them in the subsequent rankings. But at least the show is getting interested. And they’ve mainly got rid of the sob stories in favour of following a whore around while she embarrasses herself.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT – ‘If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie’
I remembered painter/decorator being alright when he nervously auditioned with Winehouse a few weeks ago. I even ranked him second without being overly mean.
In his sort of sob story, he tells us he lives at home, which is ‘not ideal.’ I love how they’ve moved away from life-destroying traumas and disabilities to the ‘not ideal.’ Just as I worried he’d been eliminated with no fanfare, he appears and sings Roberta Flack. With lots of runs and falsetto and the most pleasant wailing. But it all makes sense and doesn’t feel showy and most importantly there is absolutely no shouting. I got misty but that may have been the wine. Matt for the win! For now.

2. KATIE – ‘Stop your bitching cos you’re so sad’
Katie receives second place for three main reasons. First, I still like her for calling Louis ‘Sir’ during Auditions. Second, she wins the “Harry from the other week” award for vocabulary by saying ‘daunting’ in a posh voice. Third, she says the following: “they’re all Beyonce-ing it out and I’m just a bit like [horrified face.]” She’s so above everyone and I loves it. In other news, she channels Amy Winehouse during the ‘same song for everyone’ round and is much better than her nearest rival Gamu, who in turn is much better without the autotune.

3. HARRY – ‘Disposable teens, disposable teens’
Harry appeared every ten minutes or so on this show to be adorable. His five seconds of Michael Jackson was probably the best we saw. He danced without embarrassing himself. His cover of Leona doing Oasis wasn’t so great but it was infinitely better than Liam’s. At least Harry kept his eyes open. And didn’t look terminally ill. Welsh Tom (who was made to sing twice then rejected then saved during some very staged business with Pixie Lott the other week) was praised for his dancing but little else. I think Harry has the cute teen place in the final twelve sewn up.

4. STORM – ‘Fuckin’ posers’
Aged rock star Storm won many many cool points when he told Simon he’d wow him with his Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. For those of you who struggle with acronyms, Storm just Simon he wants to show him his cunt. He then does Guns N Roses karaoke but it’s not bad at all. Even that gay duo are dancing along in the audience. Simon likes Storm's voice but says he wants to put it in someone else. I think every man who's met Storm would rather put "it" in someone else.

5. MARLON – ‘Everybody, they love a winner’
Marlon featured heavily in tonight’s show without really doing anything dramatic like forgetting his words or being a 100% English Yorkshire Slut. He must be in the top twelve to get that sort of edit. This makes him one to watch I guess. He has Shayne Ward’s exact speaking voice and a singing voice that is sadly no more interesting.

6. THE BAD DANCERS – ‘Just dance, gonna be ok.’
Teenager Zain has a big old strop because he doesn’t like dancing. Possibly because dancing is well gay. Anyway Simon somehow notices that someone from a group of a hundred and missing and knows the missing boy’s name through quick deduction. We are to believe this is not at all staged and I’m almost convinced as Simon is a much better actor than Pixie Lott. The other dancing drama comes from checkout lady Mary who has arthritis and “trobbing” knees. She makes up for her terrible dancing by shaking her tits onstage, earning guffaws from the judges and a place in Thex Factor’s heart forever. This whole dancing business was the doing of sacked judge / ‘Artistic director’ Brian Friedman. He makes demotion seem so glam! He wears a green hoody paint suit thing with his chest showing. He tells us he’s wearing something skimpy to make a statement. And that statement is ‘daddy issues’

7. TOBIAS – ‘It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad sad situation’
Clothing store manager, and the man responsible for that overstretched audition = job interview joke, Tobias forgot the words to Man in the Mirror. Even when everyone singing around him is doing the exact same song. What a div. On this show, that’s like forgetting your ABCs. He weeps to Dermot. Then later to us. But not when he’s been eliminated. Funny that. I guess when crying no longer helps your cause there’s no reason to do it.

8. CHLOE – ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies’
Vice girl Chloe went out partying the night before Bootcamp. She tells us: ‘I feel sick and I can taste vodka.’ The poor dear. Tis pity she’s a whore. Anyway, her shouty Beyonce cover is much better than any of her three audition songs. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough to keep her in if she didn’t have such a wonderful homelife. Or if she didn’t make the other contestants look so much better by comparison. She makes the various trampy girl groups (of which Husstle have the shittest name) seem as virginal as Louis.
Anyway, she’s lightly scolded by the vocal coach and by Dermot for not working hard. She seems convinced she is though, which is odd as you’d think an alleged whore would understand the value of money. She tells Dermot ‘She can do what she wanna be’ and he seems fine with this. I hope the grammar is better on her adverts because otherwise she’ll put off a lot of pedantic potential clients. For her second audition, she wears a bikini and white heels. Oh and she’s attached her nametag to her thigh. She is awful but I desperately want her to stay around so I can make more whore jokes.

9. CHER – ‘I'm some wigga who just tries to be black’
When Cher is made to be Beyonce, she suddenly becomes Shirley Bassey. And it’s not too awful. When she is allowed to be herself, things go very wrong indeed.
We’re shown her original audition and I don’t know if they’ve cut to an unflattering bit but it seems really awful. The scary faces. The stomping. The offkey singing. I think Cheryl only likes her because she’s scal.
She tells us she’s taking a risk by adding a rap to her audition. She has a black man encourage her, which makes it all fine I guess. She raps poorly without rhyming then does an N-Dubzian cheap rap cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. She yells Jerusalem in a way that Westwood would, but we knoew shouldn't. Then she sings crazy. And looks crazy. Her version includes lyrics like ‘Long live da king’ and ‘Ring-a-dinging.’ Surely guest judge and actual black person Nicole Scherzinger must find this really offensive. When she comes offstage, Dermot looks really embarrassed for her. Oh Cher, when Dermot finds a whore more palatable surely you can see you’re doing something very wrong. JERUSALURRRRM

Thex Factor – The Final Auditions – ‘And so I face the final curtain’

2010-09-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. They crammed two judges into the body of one
Whilst Dannii is off experiencing the joys of motherhood and Cheryl is off experiencing the joys of malaria, Nicole Scherzinger is the guest judge for two nights of diverting TV. She is approximately a millionth as cunty as Katy Perry and infinitely more vocal than Natalie Imbruglia. She is by far the best guest judge, not least because she’s trying to steal Cheryl’s job. I bet she gave the gutterthug malaria somehow.
2. It’s the end of auditions Oh and it’s been a right laugh really hasn’t it? It were dead funny when the freaks couldn’t sing.Etc. Etc. In all seriousness, it’s been better than last year when the offensiveness of the live audience was too fresh and too much. Some dreams have been crushed, some eyes have become mad and staring, some have been turned into Robo-Cher and a fat girl has struck another. I will be saying to “Who are you, may I ask?” for many years to come. Shame there have been no auditions worth listening to on repeat.

So many rankings to get through...

1. HARRY – ‘I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking’
I hearted Harry from beginning to end. His jumper was very nice. He is well-spoken and uses the word picturesque to describe his Cheshire hometown. He does so sarcastically but not snottily which is really hard to manage, especially when you’re a teenager. He looks exactly like one of the Kooks and wears an indie scarf, which is arsily tied twice. The editors are clearly unable to cope with this cornerless Indieness and use ‘House of Fun’ as the backing track because that’s as Indie as they get. Harry turns out to be barely indie at all and sings Stevie Wonder in a kids Stars in their Eyes voice. His diction is very weird, as he sings Eeesnt She Lovelee, but there is at least some potential here and charm. Harry tops this ranking with ease but I hope Boot Camp offers some more contenders.

2. MARLON – ‘If I were your woman, here’s what I’d do’
Marlon’s first memory of music is being given a Tina Turner video and wanting to be Tina Turner. This is not something to admit. Especially if leg shaving was involved in the preparations. Anyway Marlon now has kids so it was obviously a horrible phase and he’s turned out socially acceptable. Bravo, Marlon. I want you to teach me how you did it. He sings Ain’t No Sunshine with an arrangement that is very similar but far less good than this. The judges then tell him it was very original even though one of them has already seen the better, very similar version twice on American Idol. Marlon is flat in places and scary in places and pleasant in places. He seems to be every X Factor audition merged into one. Except he didn’t elbow his fat friend in the face. Shame.

3. AIDAN – ‘My baby’s got a secret’
Aidan receives lots of whoos from the girls in the audience who, based on Aidan’s enormous gayface, are quite clearly wasting their time. He tells us he’s practised by doing ‘a few weddings.’ I bet he sang while the volley vonts were handed out. He pulls the stupidest faces while singing Gold Digger with his eyes closed. He turns into a dirge but I suppose this is ‘making it his own.’ Louis tells him he has his ‘own kind of swagger.’ I guess a swagger based on looking terrified and not looking anyone in the eyes and ruining a fine song. I’d love to turn my swag on like that too

4. REBECCA – ‘I was born by a river, in a little tent’Even though Rebecca is all woe is me and I’ve got two kids but zero confidence, she could at least take solace in the fact that she wasn’t born by the river, in a little tent. And that when she goes to the movies, goes downtown, people aren’t saying don’t hang around. (Or maybe not, that’s a pretty good sob story for X Factor.) Anyway, Rebecca is very down on herself and sings Sam Cooke with her eyes closed and in a tiny, ‘current in 2007 when Amy Winehouse was big’ voice. She sounds a bit like past contestant Laura White after she’s been starved for several months. Or a midget Duffy.
Anyway the judges go easy on her and tell her to be less nervous. Simon says her vocals are right on the money, which I think is just not true any more. If Norah Jones, Dido can’t sell anymore, or the Winehouse successors like Paloma Faith and Adele never really did, what chance does this wimp have?

5. YULI – ‘In the port of Amsterdam, there’s a sailor who sings’ The judges insist on calling jolly fat Dutchwoman Yuli Julie and she doesn’t seem to mind. The overweight can be very good-natured like that. And greedy. Anyway there’s a bit of talk of how Yuli’s not English but the judges steer clear of any ‘fuck off home’ talk. She sings A Fool in Love (last covered by the world’s ugliest heartthrob Olly Murs) and it’s fine and the wailing is pleasant at time but it’s nothing to write home about. Or, write more about.

6. TOBIAS – ‘I've been looking for a new direction’
Tobias is a clothing store manager, who’s 20 and has had about 20 jobs. Yet he’s become a manager very quickly. Something is afoot here, sob story detectives! Anyway his VT is basically a conceit whereby he compares X Factor to a job interview with a good prize. Onstage, the judges continue this complex comparison in case it was lost on anyone. In fairness to them, I imagine it would have been lost on Cheryl. The only jobs she knows are ‘singer’ (me) and ‘bathroom attendant’ (my victims).
Even though I was almost called Tobias, I can’t get on board with this weedy thing. He sings Your Song with a Hull accent, which I’m sure you’ll agree is not a charming combination. He also sings in a shouty voice, which I’m sure you’ll recognise is not very unusual for this show. He’s very flat when he’s not doing runs, which I’m sure –Oh forget it. He’s sort of crap and as such has the potential to finish as highly as second on this show.

7. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move out of my way’
Louis Walsh just lights up when these orange fairies prance onto the stage. Literally – he had been shot in black & white by the editors in a way that was quite amusing. They are called Craig and Joseph but the latter is so gay that the name comes out like Josie. (Can you do a ‘too gay to enunciate’ voice? It’s very fun. Try saying train, lawn and Maths!) They mince around for a while singing Proud Mary in reasonably good voice. One of their friends is so gay that he ends up looking like a lesbian. (Can you make a ‘so gay you’re a lesbian’ face? It’s very fun. Try choosing a packet of cous cous or playing tennis while you do!) Louis of course puts them through by saying ‘Of course, I’m saying yes.’ Simon tells them they have to make themselves stand out. I think this means they’ll be in drag at boot camp, doing Lady Gaga. Jesus wept in advance.

8. RICHARD – ‘Serious Richard, why do you frown like you do?’
This audition was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on the show. It was relentless – the Vera Drake of reality TV auditions. Richard is a pub singer and in his VT he seems alright. I wrote this in my notes – ‘seems alright.’ He may have some crippling personality problems that I could rant about in future weeks but we’ll never know and will just have to assume he is as alright as he seemed.Simon briefly pretends to sympathise with pub singers and how hard it is to make a living now that the credit crunch has weeded out clubs that people didn’t want to go to. He then tells Richard to pick the best song and pander to the idiots in the audience. Richard decides to pander the audience, ‘have fun’ and sing Higher and Higher. Ewww. Though the singing is okay, or exemplary compared to celebrity munter Olly Murs, there is a huge amount of mugging and extended shots of Simon looking absolutely furious at being ignored. Al Green’s How Can You Mend A Broken Heart comes on and it takes minutes (that feel like hours) for all the judges to say he was rubbish and then say no and for Richard to walk offstage. He weeps for most of this and it is no fun for anyone.

9. CHLOE – ‘Hold up – what would you do?’
Oh Chloe, how I have longed for you to make an appearance. Sadly there is no mention of her being an ALL CAPITALS TABLOID STYLE VICE GIRL. (I would have loved it if she’d made that her sob story, like Andy Abraham did about being a bin. Perhaps her teary-eyed mentors could’ve said a few live shows in ‘you might suck cock for a living but that performance didn’t.’ Instead she tells us she’s never really fitted in. And yet it is so easy to fit in her. In both bottoms. She looks exactly like Ke$ha which surely goes to prove how trampy that toilet-dancing, Whiskey-teethbrushing Ke$ha is. Chloe does a terrifying shouty cover of Summertime that makes Ruth Lorenzo seem the model of subtlety and restraint. She shouts so much a garish fake eyelash starts slipping down her face. Also, the slut isn’t in tune and keeps repeating odd phrases over and over. She then tries Underneath Your Clothes, as sung by Shakira’s pet goat Cueve. Her eyelashes fall off and the audience boo her even though most of them have had more in them than Chloe. She vainly tries a third song, that I’ve never heard of, and it is no better. The "100% English Yorkshire Slut" cries and pleads and promises that she’s a good singer. The whole thing is the most glorious trainwreck. I think they let her through there’s a good chance she’ll hit someone.

10. HAZEL – ‘You used to get it in your fishnets’
Slutty pensioner Hazel is heaps of fun and could be described by this simple Maths equation: Nessa from Gavin & Stacey + Sharon Osbourne + ineffective counselling = Hazel. Her VT backing music is ‘Dya Think I’m Sexy?’ which I think is the editors making fun of her. But truth be told, she’d be much better in bed than most of the contestants. She flirts with Louis – we assume for the LOLs – and then namechecks him in her version of The Best. She dances like Chas and/or Dave. I will give cool points out to anyone who can tell me which is which. Did she go through? I didn’t write it down. Let’s assume No but wish her well with all her endeavours.

11. DAMIEN DEVINE – ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues’
Damien quite rightly feels that he has a very cool name. The alliteration is cool. The contrast between being the Devil’s child and being Godly is cool. Sadly, this is where the furthest extent of his cool lies. He sings poorly and does very bendy dancing. The judges lapped this shit up from face-like-a-punch Olly Murs but don’t like it this time. Maybe they’re jealous of his name. I know I am.

Next week, the judges are going to ‘turn up the pressure dial’ by making the contestants sing in front of a much smaller audience. I don’t think the makers of the show know how a pressure dial works. Bless them.

Kisses,
Thex Devine-Factor

Thex Factor – Auditions 4 – ‘A Pessimist is Never Disappointed’

2010-09-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

We gon dash da salient facts in the girl's face

1. The quality has improved
Ellis-Bextor was right. I expected lemons and instead got kind of flat lemonade. This week we got to see in full several good auditions. By people who don’t seem to be dicks. This could be a fluke. Or it could be that like last year the good auditionees will go the way of Miss Fitz, Daniel Pearce or Althea Gaye. Time will tell. And even if the show takes ten steps backwards, at least we’ve got the prossie’s audition to look forward to.

2. The X Factor is bigger than Jesus
Or this is what the opening intro would have us believe. There are clouds, choirs, sepia-toned pictures of the most successful contestants. There is also the fabulous news that Alexandra used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs. Mazel Tov. I so wish she’d sung at the ones I’ve been to. Or that she did Dana International songs when asked.

3. The editors bum montages.
So hard that at least one banjo string will snap. The montages are a way of showing us two lines of good singers, thus making it more infuriating that we see more footage of the gaptoothed audience. The montages are also a way for the editors to use played-out and/or inappropriate backing music. Case in point, Mika’s Happy Ending is used for a montage about people getting yeses and having a happy ending. Sample lyric: ‘No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending.’

4. The guest judge is Pixe Lott
Now I like Mama Do (Uh Oh Uh Oh) as much as the next homosexual but I’m just not sure Pixie has the credentials to be a judge. The overblown intro with the CAPITAL LETTERS saying HOW VERY SUCCESSFUL she is was meant to sway me. I was expecting lots of filler (REEDY VOICE - TEN THOUSAND ALBUM SALES – you get the idea) but then there was mention of awards and a double platinum album. I call bullshit about that last point. We must find a charts geek and confirm this.

And those rankings? What are they?

1. TOM – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
It’s hard to tell if this (legal) young Welshman is attractive or very fug. He has huge bags under his eyes that make him look a bit like a vulture. A happy vulture though, like the Scouse ones in The Jungle Book. He says there’s not much work where he’s from and he’s worried he’ll be poor forever. But based on what he’s wearing, there’s a branch of River Island in this hellhole so there’s some positives for him. Ooh, on stage Sixth Form rather than college. He’s so clearly middle class -
the scrapheap sob story is a lot of shit. He sings The Script in an American accent. I thought The Script were Irish and sounded vaguely so. He sings really very well, especially compared to the shit we’ve had all year. He also moves confidently around the stage, but not maniacally. The judges disagree and say he moved too much. Simon says the performance was dated and could have been five years ago. Except The Script are quite current I thought. He then decides to sing some musical theatre. Ha! Way to ignore Simon. The second performance is of a very naff, big ballad and as current as Ryan Quinn doing Shakespear’s Sister. It’s so schmaltzy that I thought Simon would fall for it but he says no to the best singer this series. I started writing ‘the others say yes and all is well’ but then Pixie says no while grinning ear to ear. What a bitch. Louis and the audience jeer. Then she changes her mind. She was faking she didn’t like him all along, wasn’t she? She is as as good as an actress as she is a singer.

2. PAIJE – ‘If at first you don’t succeed’
Paije is a stocky young man with a boxing manager’s hair. I thought Paige was a girl’s name. Apparently a J makes it butch. Who knew! He sings Fly Me to the Moon and it’s very pleasant and effortless and not too boring. There is even a scoobedydoo bit which stops it being too boring. Simon looks bored – possibly by the not too boring pleasantness of it all – and stops it. Louis loves it and praises the vocal. Cheryl doesn’t love it but can’t really explain why. Almost if she can’t remember her lines. She grins and says no. Almost as if she finds lying difficult but sort of fun. Simon says no convincingly. Louis and the audience try to convince the others to change their mind but Paije strolls offstage without begging. There’s a dignity to Paije that I look. Louis then walks offstage to wish him well and give him a chance to re-audition with something comtemporary. It is all very sweet and very staged.
Second time round, he’s doing James Brown. I like these young men who refuse to be an old man’s version of contemporary. I preferred his Sinatra but there is no denying that Paije is a good singer. Though being made to re-audition puts him in the same group as Steve Brookstein and Lloyd Daniels. Eww.

3. NIKOLO – ‘Tu vuò fà l'americano’
This Italian with an American accent brags about how good he is and how he doesn’t think much of Madonna, Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. He’s sort of right about one but still it seems very arrogant and a terrible way to ingratiate yourself to the voting public. He rolls his eyes and tilts his head and snorts whenever he’s asked a question. Louis asks why he’s here and his reply begins with ‘it’s kind of obvious,’ which is how the very supremely douchiest of replies begin. He sings A Song For You, which it is worth noting was Brookstein’s audition piece. He sings with a lisp like he’s on Eurotrash. He squats when he sings big notes like he’s about to do a big poo at the same time. It’s a bit overblown and the vibrato could knock out a loose filling. Cheryl thinks he’s charming and thinks he has an Italian accent. Cheryl is clearly a poor judge of character and accents. All the judges call him a big diva. I see their diva and raise them a dickhead.

4. BUN ‘ND CHEESE – ‘I followed the voice you think you gave to me’
This gobby girl band want to spread the word and be like the Sugababes. Those godly, godly Sugababes. They call themselves Bun ‘nd cheese. Or, I think, Patty and Picky and Peas separately. They don’t enunciate well so this is merely a good guess. Simon deduces that these are not their real names, though he is equally staggered when one says her real name is Ebony.
They forget the words and don’t even bother to fill them in or ask to start again. The only words they seem to remember are Listen, which they whimper every ten seconds or so. Because they don’t even sing, or move, they can’t even offer any amusing bum notes. The judges think they’re rubbish and were probably doing this for a joke. Bun ‘nd Cheese don’t quite understand and then leave the stage without hitting each other. The scally girls last week set the bar so high for bad auditions. Why were we made to watch this?

5. KASH – ‘A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly’
Stayin’ Alive is his VT backing music. He rambled on like a nob about how he models and wears white gold. See, novelty backing music and rambling during a VT used to be the editors politely warning us they weren’t going through. That was until Stacey rambled on like a retard to a novelty song and then turned to be out to be good. For a while. Kash is a mobile salesman. And doesn’t he just look like one. I bet he tells colleagues how much commission’s he earned after work in the Slug & Lettuce. He says ‘yeah let’s make some music’ just before he sings Ne Yo. Ewww on all counts. The music he makes is not good and the judges turn him down. Back to the Slug & Lettuce he goes to talk targets. Hopefully they’ll give him a burger on the house for his troubles.

Thex Factor – Auditions 3 – ‘Break your fucking face tonight’

2010-09-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. We have a guest judge
For part of the show anyway. And it’s Natalie Imbruglia. You know her, she sang Torn and other hits that weren’t as good as Torn. She’s so pretty that Simon pervs and tells her how pretty she is. She’s so pretty that, as Simon’s saying all this, we get to see an awesome shot of jealous Cheryl Cole drenching herself in make up. Ha! Natalie looks a lot like Dannii Minogue so it’s a comfort to see her. Oh and she’s here to report back to Dannii. She’s practically a mute but she’s a billionth as irritating as Katy ‘Funbags’ Perry.

2. There are auditions in London and Newcastle
Even though this information is repeated a lot, it’s hard to remember where this is all happening. Erm, besides Hell on Earth. I’d much rather go listen to ma Elbow alburm etc etc etc.

3. This show used to be good
Why would I bother writing this blog if it never was? The fact it legitimises my ‘career’ in ‘writing’ isn’t the only reason. No, the show was for many years a pleasure to watch and get all excited and huffy about. Leona and Alexandra and Brenda and Beautiful Spanish Ruth singing the shit out of things was good. ‘With or Without You’ was good. ‘Phantom of the Opera’ was good. Rooting for Same Difference and Eton Road even though it was never going to work out was good. Even Maria Lawson getting kicked off was good because it angered the blood. Oh but now. But now. It has now been three episodes and one whole series since there was someone who (a) made the finals (b) could sing and (c) I really liked. (Though a grudging honourable mention must go to Joe and Jedward, who at least fulfilled two of those criteria each last year.)

The rankings one more time…..

1. ABBEY & LISA – ‘Mama said knock you out’
Their VT is a frantic one. They may be best friends or they may be sisters. Even though one’s much taller, they’re both of similar weights. They talk very quickly and do not seem to think before doing so.
For example, onstage, one of them says Louis is fit but the other says he’s an old man. Oh, Simon helpfully asks if they’re friends or sisters and they answer they’re the first. They say like and randomly and I don’t know a lot so despite talking so quickly, it takes them a long time to say anything. One politely asks the audience to stop laughing at her idiocy. The audience boo and then the same girl hollers SHUT UP. Some of the audience look horrified while some continue booing. The hypocrisy of booing someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is clearly a very smart lady. The girls walk off then walk back on. They sing Shayne Ward who, thanks to his family, is a role model for thugs everywhere. Their timing’s really off and only one sings. It should be a bog-standard, last-place on the rankings bad audition if it were not for what follows.
The one who bothered to sing tells the judges she doesn’t care what they think, before the judging part has even taken place. The mute one then says she does care. The loud one says it was difficult being booed and then the mute one defends the booing audience and their right to free, unfettered expression. They both say ‘at the end of the day’ a lot. The loud one is rude to Imbruglia, asking ‘who are you?’ which infuriates the audience and then – quite excellently – makes the mute one elbow her in the face. Backstage, the mute one vents that it was bad form to insult the star guest judge. The hypocrisy of assaulting someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is no stranger to moral nuance.

2. CHER – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Cher is very nervous backstage and I think at points gets her Mum to answer Dermot’s inane questions. She’s prim and middle class and yet bizarrely is called Cher. She lacks confidence and yet bizarrely is called Cher.
Cher is very nervous onstage and I think at points gets an insipid mouse to answer questions. I refuse to believe a real person could sound that squeaky and wet. She then announces she’s doing a Soulja Boy song I’ve never heard of. Ha! She sings out of the corner of her mouth like a ventriloquist. She sings about the hood and stomps menancingly and the Mum sobs backstage as if it’s all very cute. The vibrato is crazy and at times she gets very jazzy and at times she raps. The audience whoop and get on their feet. Even Simon is full of praise and doesn’t mention the fact that no one has ever heard of this song before. It was a mess. A horrid, horrid mess. I don’t get it. I have lost touch with the common man.

3. LES JEDWARDS – ‘Jedward’s back with a brand new invention’
There are more twins than ever this year we’re told. And of course, we are treated to a montage to “prove” this “point.” The Evans Twins are very sexy and Louis Walsh fancies them. Bejon are not but Louis Walsh fancies them. Defying logic, the latter group go through. But a montage is not enough for the editors and we are forced to watch some twins audition in full.
These twins are Twem, which means Twin in Arabic. The audience laugh at their names and accent. The camera pans to a dark skinned lady laughing also which makes it ok. They wear River Island scarves and dance around to Lady Gaga. Their accents are garbled, even compared to Gaga. They are quite bad but Louis looks like he’s about to rub himself. Or rub them. Cheryl dances a little in her seat. As long as she doesn’t sing a little, that’s fine. The crowd cheer but don’t stand up. I don’t think they give Standing Os to “towelheads.” Shame on them.

4. STORM LEE – ‘Cos you’re the Storm that I believe in’
Storm goes on in his audition VT about very little. I didn’t take notes so it’s gone now and will never again appear in print. Storm is old and American. He greets the judges saying ‘I was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ I hate when Americans add the country on the end. It makes it worse when they ask ‘Are you from London, England?’ Just call Edinburgh Edinburgh and London London! If there’s any confusion, or you’re talking to someone really stupid, you can say Edinburgh’s in Scotland or London’s in England afterwards. But don’t assume I’m stupid or have only heard of places in America. Gosh I’ve written so much and he’s even sung yet. Oh but there’s more and none of it edifying. Storm admits he was not born Storm, but has been legally named Storm since his stormy teenage years. Simon says Storm has a stupid name. Storm says ‘yeah but Sting says this show’s shit’ and then sings The Police. Ok then. He doesn’t sing it well. He’s doing Every Breath You Take, a song which will always remind me of New York. I was in a queue in a café for a businesswoman’s special. You know, for businesswomen. This song came on, and then all these other businesswomen in the queue started mouthing along to it. Then I had a bottle of Snapple. I miss America.
Storm’s version makes me want to stay away from America. Simon says he has a stupid name and refuses to call him it. He then makes him sing again. It’s U2 and it’s no better. Cheryl says Simon’s being rude what with refusing to call Storm Storm. I agree with Cheryl. It’s like calling a post-op by their old gender. I bet Simon does that though. Anyway, Simon continues to call him Lee and he gets three yeses. None of them deserved.

5. LIAM – ‘You know the world can see us in a way that’s different from who we are’
Liam got through to judges’ homes a few years ago and was ditched by Simon. Simon wanted Scott Bruton and Eoghan the Eunch instead. Which is I think like choosing between being drowned or being smothered. Liam famously looked up to Troy Bolton. You’ve got to admire someone whose hero is a fictional character. Or pity them as they’re bound to be disappointed by what real life offers.
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the ridiculous Buble Bond theme version) and looks terrified with huge eyes. He then looks possessed with huge eyes. He shouts in an American accent and stalks the stage in a very theatrical way. Theatrical as in ‘for the theatre’ and theatrical as in ‘in the theatre.’ His mother appears to laugh at him backstage. Ha! Cool points for her! The whole thing is weird and of course earns a standing ovation from the twats in the audience. Oh and from Simon and Natalie. I take it back. Imbruglia’s an idiot. Liam looks terrified after and giggles to himself. Simon gives him ‘one.’ Oh, sorry my mistake. That sounds a bit gay. What I meant to write is Simon gives him ‘one massive fat almighty yes.’ That’s much better.

Kisses,
Thex

Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Better late than never, but never late is better’

2010-09-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

Some salient facts before we begin...

1. I miss Holly Willoughby
Like the deserts miss the rain. Or like I miss desserts in the rain. In case you’ve never bothered to complete your evening’s entertainment with a trip to ITV2, Holly used to present The Xtra Factor. She was genuinely amusing and sweet and yet racy. Like a primary teacher with a past. Oh how I loved her. Konnie Huq has replaced her and is genuinely dull and cold and yet needily wet. In fact, she has the same personality as the soulless presenters Charlie Brooker has made a career out of insulting before using the word ‘cunt’ ‘gouge’ or ‘anus’ in the next paragraph.

2. I miss Dannii too
Everyone’s favourite antipodean judge is off having a baby. So we must cope with guest judges. This week it’s Katy Perry. She has massive eyes and scary cleavage. Even when it’s covered, I know it’s there. Also she seems a right dick. On ITV2, she uses the word 'likableness.' She’s making me not like the only song of hers I like. Alas, Perry is not really as big as Geri Halliwell so her flashy montage doesn’t have much to boast about. 30 Million Singles Worldwide. Oh Wow. Considering she must earn a penny a download, she must be a very rich lady. (God, what are they going to do when it’s Pixie Lott? One Silver album?)

3. I hate montages
There are just so many of them at this stage. One features ‘I Like It’ by Enrique, the world’s most desperate song. I can’t even say the title ‘I Like It’ out loud because that would be a lie. There’s a good montage of groups though. There are boys doing the Saturdays. There are girls doing a mashup version of Walk Like An Egyptian. There are girls and boys doing a Gaga medley. When you have mashups and medleys in a montage, you hear so many songs in so little time. The X Factor becomes a Girl Talk album!

On wit da rankinz blood…..

1. ANNASTACIA – ‘Da da, da da, Dude looks like a lady’
This is going to be a hard one to spell. The best contestants have easy to spell names – Leona, Joe, Shayne, Rickkiy. Annastacia was bad a few years ago at judge’s homes. In her VT she tells her daughter, and by proxy tells us, ‘Never give up on your dreams.’ Oh I did, Annastacia and I’m fine. At least that’s what I say through gritted teeth when people ask.
As she gets ready to sing, Simon says ‘Image is absolutely dreadful. Dreadful.’ I don’t know if she could hear that because that would’ve been quite offputting. She sings Proud Mary. Simon says a tranny could do better. Ha! Simon is now my favourite judge. She is made to sing another song and remove her shoes. It is Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You Feel My Love’ which she says is by Adele. It is very lovely. Her family blub backstage. Then she loses me. Her voice is all over the place towards the end as if she’s doing impressions of four divas at once. Simon calls it cabaret. I agree. He says he wants to scrape her or scrape the cabaret off her or something of this nature. This comment gives him an Ed Gein vibe. Or makes me think Annastacia will be made to put the lotion in the basket around week 2 of the liveshows.

2. MATT – ‘But only if I were a painter’
Third Eye Blind is used on his montage. Oh ace. I want to hear some Barenaked Ladies next week. Or Matchbox 20. Or Marcy Plaground. There just isn’t enough 90s college rock on X Factor.
In his VT, painter/decorator Matt goes on about paint and magnolia and brushstrokes. This is a boring sob story. It is almost as shit as Ben Mills complaining about building marquees or when The Fat Girl Laura bitched because the judges didn’t like her. He sings Winehouse and he’s a bit whiney and awkward. Louis calls him on his awkwardness. I was convinced he was about to forget his words, what with all the pacing and sweating. He ranks second because the show has given up showing me good people.

3. THE REASON – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
‘I just wanna make love to you’ is played during the VT for these “hunks.” I love how X Factor takes its cultural references from old adverts. They’re not even attractive – well two of them definitely aren’t. And the ok looking one is unemployed which doesn’t bode well for a future together. Their VT is boring. “Jls are good and rich and groups never won blah blah”. They do a barbershop cover of Cheryl Cole and think they’re very clever. They are not. This is like track twelve on an old Backstreet Boys album. Or a stupid Live Lounge cover. Oh how I long for Miss Fitz.

4. MARY – ‘The green, green grass of home’
Old checkout lady Mary wants to be a legend like Shirley Bassey. Or Tom Jones. Ah, she wants to be Welsh. This won’t help her win the Irish vote. Though Jedward are huge there despite having weird American accents. She’s doing I (Who Have Nothing) by Tom Jones. Or Shirley Bassey. Oh Why doesn’t she just move to Wales then? She seems very Britain’s Got Talent. There’s a strange club singer accent. The shouting is barely acceptable, even taking into account that it’s a shouty song. The audience whoop and stand and go batshit crazy because they’re pigshit stupid. Dermot is misty. I am not. Katy says she is brave and different and admires the effort. She’s such a playground bitch. Just say you didn’t like it and then call her fugly, Perry. All the judges love it even though it’s awful and has been done so much better on one of these shows.

5. TEMPLE FIRE – ‘So hard for it, honey’
In case those lyrics were too obscure, let me say that Temple Fire work hard for the money. By which I mean, they rehease a lot. They rehearse for five hours a day. sometimes up to six hours. Oh I like the accuracy of this. None of this “I work 24/, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t even stop practising to poo, I’ll die if I can’t go through” hyperbole.
On stage, I like them less. They have tiny voices and are doing Wham. They seem ill-rehearsed which is ironic. I take it back, six hours isn’t enough. Simon says they’re not taking it seriously. Katy Perry shrieks “tell the truth, ginger.” Cheryl doesn’t want to be there. I think for a second this is the episode where she almost dies. But sadly we must wait.

6. MICHAEL – ‘Cos you are not alone, I am here with you’
Michael feels the spirit of Michael Jackson and has decided to dress like him. Michael is out of tune in a strangely tentative way. The judges criticise and the audience boo. He tells them they have no love in their hearts or lives. He says they’re very negative. While telling them off. In what must be a plus for him, he works in Boots. I bet he loves the discount on make up. And probably tampons. Just to see.

Kisses,
Thex

Thex Factor – Auditions 1 – ‘When did you become Robocop?’

2010-08-23T04:01:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. Simon, Louis and Cheryl are rich
And get a large-fonted montage listing all their achievements. Simon has had 100 number ones. How exciting. And only one of them is Say Eh Oh. In America, you can have about ten number ones with the same song though. Cheryl is a gutter thug who the nation loves, even before she tried to help them with their limp, lifeless, strawlike hair. Louis is also there.

2. Dannii Minogue is too pregnant to sit and say very little
It must be a massive baby. She’s given birth to it now though. Hopefully it did’t hurt too much. They’re replacing her with guest judges every week who’ve all sold more records than her. Well, except Pixie Lott. Cheryl Cole will steal Dannii’s thunder soon and have malaria and be replaced by guest judges too.

3. The producers haven’t heard “Death of Autotune”
Yes, the sound mixers have decided to autotune the contestants we’re meant to like. This is step up from having Stacey and Jedward mime along most weeks. And giving Danyl a children’s choir. The problem with autotune though is it sounds really obvious, unnatural and shit. And it made the contestants sound the latter. There is a reason we all made fun of Believe by Cher. There is a reason JLS’s The Club is Alive is so awful. It is called autotune. I hope the producers stop using it next week. It’s bad enough I have to put up with the live audience giving everyone a standing ovation. I will struggle to write this blog every week.

On with the rankings…

1. KATIE – ‘I love your friends, they're all so arty’
Katie dresses like 80s Madonna and talks like a recently bereaved receptionist. Self-consciously soft. Eerily calm but wet. Katie loves the 80s and says her idols are Freddie Mercury and Etta James. Etta James isn’t 80s though. Even the Diet Coke ad was 9s. You’re confusing me Casey.
Simon bans her from singing At Last and she rambles and messes up the lyrics to her back up. It’s We Are The Champions. Couldn’t she have cut to the chorus? That bit's easy. She wins top ranking this week because she says to Louis ‘Please Sir, can I sing At Last?’ I doubt even bathroom attendants call Louis Sir. She sings At Last and it’s very breathy and cutesy but at least they haven’t autotuned her to hell. I don’t remember the audience being bothered which helps me like her.

2. SHIRLENA – ‘Does that make me crazy?’
Shirlena is instantly fabulous because she has the same vocal coach as Shirley Bassey and kind of the same speaking voice as Makosi from Big Brother. She’s doing her own version of Mercy and my is it her own version.
She says Release You, Release Me a lot in a breathy, quaky voice. Note the verb here: she says it, she does not sing it. She growls and squeaks and writhes around on the floor. I know I say that about all the quirky singers but I must stress how literal I am being. She makes noises, not notes. The whole process lasts for about five minutes and the audience are baffled. It could be that they don’t think it’s appropriate to laugh at someone this unhinged. Or maybe it’s only funny to them when the people are fat? I think this is the funniest audition I have seen since Althea 'Lotty' Gaye. The boys put Shirlena through after she admits she came up with new lyrics last night then forgot them. I think producers want a new Jedward.

3. GAMU – ‘This is just violent, death of autotune, moment of silence’
Gamu is from Africa and has a Mum wearing a nice jumper. Gamu herself wears a flower in her hair. She’s very Vickers isn’t she? Scratch that – Vickers probably had straw in her hair.
Gamu tells us she's singing Katrina & The Waves and Simon groans because that song is awful. She says she’s doing her own version. Said version involves removing all the lyrics about Walking on Sunshine and instead singing about how the man’s got to go. She scowls and yelps and shimmies. It’s ok but the autotune makes her sound less like a girl with a flower in her hair and more like a girl with a clam made out of metal.

4. G&S – ‘I don’t really care that you are queer’
She’s a fat female fast food operative. He’s a gay social worker. Conflict, you bet! G&S (or Gay & Straight) are an unusual match in that they are both ugly in such strong, different ways.
They sing Don’t Stop Believin’ and it is a game of two halves. The gay man cannot sing and gets heckles. He looks a bit like a ravaged Chuckle Brother. The straight lady cannot sing but is heavily autotuned and the audience whoop and holler every time she sings a line. I think the moral is straight people are better and people like them more.
Straight is encouraged to audition alone and it takes her less than a second to agree and dump Gay. Gay then goes running off and you would think he’s doing it in a big diva strop but no – he’s going to set up a new backing track for Straight. It’s very sweet but very staged. Straight is so pub singer awful that parts of me shrivel. She goes through and Gay is congratulated by the judges for being a nice chap. Invite him for tea then, Cowell. Put your money where your mouth is. Or set him up with McElderry because they're bound to get along.

5. STEPHEN – ‘I don’t belong here’
I had to look up who the others were so I don’t think they deserve a full recap. Stephen is fat and loves Tina Turner. He is a Househusband but based on accent, face, need to please and personality, it seems far more likely he is a Housecivilpartner. I loathe him. He sings Disco Inferno which I learn was a Tina Turner hit in the mid 90s. He is out of tune and shouts. He is put through and I struggle to understand why. Until I remember last year when they were all out of tune and prone to shouting.
God, do you remember last year? Why are doing this again?

6. JAHM – ‘Ra ra, up pa pa’
Jahm met on the Internet to work on their auditions and are all different races. If they met on the Internet to work on a bomb, they’d be a Daily Mail wet dream. Sadly, this was not to be. They do Bad Romance and are not autotuned because we’re not meant to like them. They can’t even do the spoken word bits convincingly or tunefully. It is very bad. Cheryl even calls them shocking. I would give her money to call them weak, limp and lifeless. And then to sing live.

Kisses
Thex Factor

#36 With A Bullet

2010-08-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

The X Factor restarts on Saturday and I cannot wait. I am deliberately abstaining from all alcohol, fun and social contact until this point so that I can best experience the highs and lows of the show. I might even stop bowel movements to fully eliminate any pleasure. Come Saturday, I will laugh at the sob stories and weep at the sob stories so much I will snot.

And for the successful contestants, it will be good too. They can see themselves on screen and think they will be big stars like Diana Vickers, Alexander Burke and JLS, some of the most acclaimed acts ever on the show. They too can chart at #36 with their second single, rerelease their album twice and sample Julie Andrews in desperate search of a chorus.

Rubbish Talent Show Wrap Ups!

2010-06-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

As Thexfactor and all its staff enjoy a leisurely sabbatical (or should it be hiatus?) until the return of The X Factor, it feels sporting to take a look at the other, arguably shitter talent shows that have been running in the gap.

Homosexuals and the stupid will mourn the end of American Idol - until next year. A slightly tubby but no less sexy for it, Lee Dewyze scooped victory. Imagine if Jamie Afro could sing, had better hair but was equally fake and considered Hinder and Snow Patrol to be the extreme end of RAWK. That's Lee Dewyze

The more homosexual but equally stupid must study their angles and smize alone sobbing into the mirror until the return of America's Next Top Model. Which I think is in September. Barely enough time for the wound to heal! The viciously, hilariously thug Krista won the show despite being dead old. Imagine Naomi Campbell when she was just starting out, only make her all wrinkly so she'll never be taken seriously, and put her on a barely watched but highly derided TV show so she'll never be taken seriously, and keep her just as angry. That's Krista

The infinitely less homosexual but infinitely more stupid have had their ration of Britain's Got Talent for the year and must immediately return to smoking on their porches and shitting themselves. I admit to watching the final last night out of morbid curiosity and, to save you the trouble of ever watching it yourself, let me assure you it was shit. A bald man did bad impressions of Little Britain and was praised by Amanda Holden for being "current." Even the Little Britain stars aren't current - they have to redo their old jokes on building society ads now. Stfu Holden. Gymnasts Spellbound secured victory and will get to perform to the Queen. Imagine the Cirque du Soleil cast, only make them wag orange and squealy, replace the Beatles soundtrack with Rhydian Fucking Roberts and take away the dancing snails. That's Spellbound. Ghastly.

Kisses until The X Factor,
Thexfactor

Jedward 2: The Revenge

2010-01-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

Jedward have a new single. It's a cover of their best performance (read: only performance that was good and not just funny and dimly erotic). It features Vanilla Ice. It's already #2 on iTunes. You can buy it here.

I am so excited I could shit.

Popstar to Poperastar

2010-01-23T05:04:00.000-08:00

Do you live for Il Divo? Do you need a daily hit of Jenkins as bad as an X Factor contestant needs some self-esteem? Is Rhydian some sort of god to you and not just some creep with silly hair?

Well, then you might love Popstar to Operastar. I do.

It has pointless judges, a low budget, patronising mentors and contestants that sing obscure songs like Nessun Dorma or Summertime. It's as if The X Factor is still on every week. Between that and American Idol (with its legitimately good contestants) my TV week is sorted.

Thex Factor – Final Weekend – ‘Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me’

2009-12-19T04:15:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. We have a guest columnist
Her name is Nancy. Many of my friends refer to her as Lovely Nancy. Sadly, this nickname has not caught on the way it did for Tiny Tim, Loverat Darren Day or Sporty Spice but there is still time.

2. It was the final!
Except there were two finals with different numbers of contestants on each night. So really, a final and a semi-final. And the three on the first night were called the finalists, and the two on the second night were called the finalists. And the top twelve have been called the finalists all year. It’s like Adam and Eve named all the different things in the garden for nothing! The finals featured lots of boring performances by the final three, one last group song, a croaky Sir Paul McCartney medley, great performances by Leona, JLS, Alexandra and Robbie Williams and a bizarre song by George Michael about Jesus.
[Best moment of the whole weekend was undoubtedly when Jedward took to the stage for one last time - gone but not forgotten – Nancy]

3. Olly is a loser.
Stacey is one too.
[Which is a shame, as Dannii is my secret fave judge - love her quiff – Nancy]
Joe is the winner. But this season, I think we’re all losers. We’ve seen some hilarious performances from John & Edward, at least one thoroughly dreadful one by Danyl and some alright ones from Lucie, Rachel and Joe. It’s not really been worth it and I don’t get how it’s taken so many months to achieve so little.

4. Killing In The Name Of is a great song
And a better one than The Climb, no matter who’s singing it. I hope Rage make #1, not because I hate this show but because I love that song. And I think there is an argument for us all paying the 80p, sticking up our fingers to SyCo, or just the man in general like Rock Profile Jo Whiley wanted us to, and saying ‘we don’t like this song’ and ‘we don’t want to buy it.’

On with the rankings….

1. JOE – ‘Your destiny may keep your warm’
Or you may get very cold waiting for the assistant manager of Pizza Express to let you in the back. I’m sure Steve Brookstein still sings at Pizza Express. Or maybe somewhere posher, like Ask or Zizzi.
Joe’s first VT has Cheryl Cole meeting his family. She’s wearing a shirt and coat with black and white skulls on. Bitch can’t dress. Joe tells us he’s gone to ‘me mam’s house’ and then we see his mam who’s right canny. He then sings in either an arena or a massive mall, that makes the place Stacey performed in look like a small foyer. What Makes A Man by Westlife is the backing music this week: a song that got beaten to Christmas #1 by Bob the Builder. Thinking back, the Christmas #1 really wasn’t too sad a tradition to lose to these crap coronation singles.
He’s singing his Luther Vandross audition again piece and I hate this song. It brings out the worst in his voice too. It seems short – and it’s not mercifully short – it just feels very choppy. And then a choir appears and it’s done. Weird. Joe is the one minute man of finale performances.
Dannii says Joe’s adorable and he nods. Ha! Maybe he is secretly a dick. Cheryl weeps and brings Joe’s parents into the equation for some pity votes. We see Joe’s fans in South Shields and a woman entertains me greatly by telling one of Girls Aloud that her name is ‘Vote Joe.’
Cheryl speaks of the ‘craziest butterflies’ as the duets round begins. I have to say I was legitimately excited about the duets, even though I’d seen all the spoilers by mistake and all the spoilers were correct.
Joe’s duetting with George Michael, in what is the feyest pairing since George sang ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ with Sir Elton John. I bet they’re doing it. Oh wait no, Joe is “straight.” George is fat and flat and keeps his eyes closed, kind of killing the concept of a fakely affectionate duet. It’s hard to tell if he’s fatter or flatter. The beard is crazy. Joe sounded great though. Well done him, even if he does look TINY stood next to Dermot.
Next is a repeat round. So we’ve seen Joe do NO new songs on the Saturday night show. That’s just great. He redoes his Elton John number and it’s perfect. And I think I was more in the mood for it this time. He really is a great singer in a Broadway and/or slightly boring way. He receives, or rather earns, another standing ovation from all four judges. Louis tells Joe he deserves to make the final two but then he said that to the other two too. Simon says Joe is special. We have to assume he doesn’t mean spesh.
On Sunday night, Joe redoes Journey. Making that his third Journey performance of the season. It is a tiny bit piercing this time. It makes me enjoy it less but reassures me that Joe is not a robot built by SyCo to sing perfectly every week. Louis says Joe is a small boy with a big voice and a great future. That is good wordplay. Simon says it’s not a well-known song and I get angry.
Joe then tackles the winners’ song which is a Miley Cyrus cover. Why couldn’t they have done Fly on the Wall? The Climb is not only inherently rubbish but my real issue with it is that it’s not about something else. All X Factor winner singles are about winning the X Factor and something else. Hallelujah and When You Believe were about religious figures and winning the X Factor. Against All Odds, A Moment Like Theeese and That’s My Goal were about lovin’ and lustin’ and winning the X Factor. The Climb is schmaltz about schmaltz and winning the X Factor. It doesn’t work. Joe sings it fine, with suddenly improved hair, but it’s not endearing. And he looks very creepy in the face: all pinched around the mouth. I think he says ‘fuck me’ when he’s done too.
[I doubt he’s been programmed to say rude words – Nancy]
Dannii says it’s one of her absolute favourite songs. Really? Cheryl cries but doesn’t convulse like she did last year over Alexandra. Maybe because Joe’s not as exciting and won’t go on to be famous enough to help the Cole brand. Shame that.

2. OLLY – ‘I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?’
Olly’s VT says he’s redoing Superstition. It’s very matter-of-fact so I should be too. Olly goes home in a helicopter and his neighbourhood and old school look very green and leafy. Maybe Olly is secretly posh? Oh there’s some secrets coming out this weekend. Simon goes to Murses house and has Butterscotch Angel Delight. Who eats that at his age? Who would be so common! Simon says Olly is one of the nicest people he ever met. Oh, please. He said that about Journey South and look where it got them. I think he said it about Jedward too.
His Superstition comes with a waistcoat and some maladjusted dancing attempts. There is some excellent pleasant growling, which comes when Olly is lying down. Olly has learned how to sing it seems. He should have done all his performances lying on the floor. There would have been less shit dancing that way too. He also scoots along the floor under the skirts of his whorish dancers.
The judges are positive. Simon says Olly is the best risk he’s ever taken. Like barebacking with someone really hot and rich.
Olly does Angels with Robbie Williams. Simon is really playing an easy hand here. A lazy one too. I notice there’s a lovely Christmas tree on the stage and that helps. Robbie looks no less intoxicated than the last time he was on and – oh yes – fucks up the words to Angels. I hate that song but I, like everyone who’s ever owned a radio, know all the words to Angels. How can Robbie get it wrong? The whole affair is poorly sung and they touch each other too much. Their mint, legend banter is insufferable
[Robbie made it all a bit guys-in-the-pub having a go at karaoke – Nancy]
[I think you’re being too generous. They looked far more pissed than that. They hug and yell like they’re singing in an alleyway after being thrown out of the pub – Thex]
Robbie’s eyes are so weird and when he’s done “singing” he yells and chants for Olly to win. There is a nice bit where Robbie says Olly was giving 111% or 112%. See, Robbie can be okay when he’s insulting Simon.
Olly’s redo is ‘A Fool In Love.’ So he’s redoing a performance everyone’s forgot. Of a song Simon admitted weeks ago nobody knows. Simon really wanted Joe to win, didn’t he? It’s fun but it’s not a winning performance, shall we say.
[Agreed. He couldn’t beat Joe. Olly's performances were founded on raunch and more mis-placed 'hip-action' than even old Brucie can shake a stick at - he was never going to beat the cherub that is Joe in the battle for the nation's heart – Nancy]
Louis says Olly is sexy, and clearly doesn’t care who knows it. Cheryl says he hopes Olly will be in the bottom two which is quite the Freudian slip. Simon does a weird eulogy for Olly saying not to be disappointed ‘whatever the result.’ Dermot then starts asking him about he’d feel if it were his last performance. No one expected him to win for a second. Or even come second, for a second.
But survive he does, and so on Sunday night we get another batch of VTs and okay performances. On his VT, we learn Olly will have to give not 112% but 150%. I’m not sure how accurate any of this Maths is. Or what percentage would have stopped Joe from walking it.
[The bookies didn't even need to do the maths. Crap hats won’t get you the crown – Nancy]
Olly redoes Twist & Shout and it’s good fun and the dancing is silly. The judges say it’s fun also and that they enjoyed the dancing. Olly once again defends the Fwiyer dancing breakdown. I assume he means Thriller dancing. My beef is with the fact this is his fourth Beatles cover. Why not just join a tribute band and save us all the pain of dealing with you?
Olly’s attempt at the winners’ single isn’t too bad. He isn’t that much worse than Joe as his razorthin voice kind of suits this Disney pop. Put it this way, he’s not as outmatched as when Ray took on Leona.
[I disagree. There was no contest here. It was a classic example of good versus bad, and not just in the quality of their vocal chords – Nancy]
[Like David and Goliath, if Goliath had a fatter head and couldn’t dance – Thex]
Simon’s mouth is covered and he looks like he wants to be sick. Olly’s cheeks are bloated. Then it’s over.
Dannii is amazed that Olly can sing and says he has ‘a voice we’ve never heard before.’ Ha! We are shown a montage of Olly’s spasm dancing, awful hats and worse hair. Olly never won me over and I hope he won’t be famous after this show.

3. STACEY – ‘When all the clouds darken up the skyway’
Stacey’s VT features a lot of grinning. She looks unhinged and far weirder in the face than Dannii Minogue does. She goes to Dagenham and there’s a house, a school, a theatre.
She does Wonderful World, her audition song, and performs it sitting down. Strange there was no mention of this in her first VT. We know from past dramatics VTs how she struggles with basic things like walking and lying and lusting and dancing. Sitting would have been top of my list of things Stacey can’t do but any fucking moron can. Dannii cries during the performance, presumably for her own reasons as there’s nothing moving about the performance. It’s yelly and fine with the odd flourish.
Louis loves it and Simon says Stacey continues to surprise him. Really? I thought she was the same every week? Didn’t you say that a fortnight ago, Simon? No more Angel Delight for you, it makes you forgetful.
We see Stacey’s fans who are interviewed by a very jolly Jeff Brazier. Clearly he’s not still mourning for England’s Rose, Jade Goody.
Stacey’s duet is probably what stopped her making the final two (and not just because
she’s duetting with the least famous singer).
[It was over before this. Poor love, she looked bewildered from the off, a bit like she hadn't been doing this for the last six months. Although by far the most charismatic of the final three (despite Olly's best efforts with all those 'aren't I charming?' hats), the dual personality ditz/diva show was wearing a bit thin, and even footage of her utterly adorable family wasn't going to save her – Nancy]
The arrangement is bizarre and the singing is yelly and odd. (That’s the whole season though, isn’t it?) Her pronunciation is fucked too. She tells us she’s Feeling Gurd. Or perhaps it’s Curd? And she’s going round fingering the puddings in Marks and Spencer? Michael Buble pops up but can’t salvage it like you’d think he could. After all, Buble is a real singer: singing, not yelling and looking only slightly drunk. Stacey has enormous hips. Between these and that nose, she’s just not pretty enough to be a diva. Buble looks hot.
Stacey redoes Queen and goes all popera on us. She sings about her feengerteeps! She has the Leona hair but it goes without saying that she does not have a Leona voice. In fact, watching Leona sing on Sunday night just makes me feel they should’ve made her the winner a second time. The judges love Stacey’s performance and pretend this year hasn’t been a total wash out. Which you, my beloved dozens of readers, know it has.

Thex Factor – Michael Jackson week – ‘Keep it in the closet’

2009-12-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Michael Jackson week
This is a recycled theme that I’m not too happy about. Remember last year when Austin was the only good one that week? And when B.S.Ruth was so boring she ended up in the bottom two and had to unleash her Purple Rain? Simon specifies that 150% is required of the semi-finalists, which is a tough number to reach. This year’s MJ week is very different because this year Michael is a beloved and dead person and not a bankrupt and living person. Simon does the weirdest eulogy ever and poor old Janet has to be called Michael’s sister every time she’s mentioned. She also doesn’t get an interview after her results show performance and charmingly runs off the stage when Dermot gets on with the results business and the lights dim. Oh and her thunder is really stolen by Lady Gaga. Janet dancing maniacally and ‘sexily’ just can’t compare to the below.

2. I would not want to meet Lady Gaga
She performs her “unusual” song in a bathtub full of zombies. She also sings with less help than Stacey’s had in months. She’s dressed as a lego zombie though so it’s hard to take her too seriously. Oh and she yells ‘sing it X Factor’ with murderous intent. And also yells that she’s a ‘freak bitch, baby.’ I believe her, baby. The best bit is when Dermot interviews her while she’s in a bathtub full of zombies. This whole five minutes far surpasses Jedward’s entire run on the WTF meter.

3. Ding dong, the witch is dead!
I think this is the first Wizard of Oz gag I’ve made about the none-more-gayer Danyl. He hasn’t been the worst for weeks so there’s a vague sense he didn’t deserve to go but also great relief as he’s a tool.

On with the rankings….

1. JOE – ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk’
Joe’s VT is an unfortunate reminder of how weird Joe used to look and sound. We also see cute baby pictures where he seems to be wearing a sari. I guess it’s dress up but it’s still weird. Simon speaks of Joe’s tone and how he’s almost note perfect. (Yet Simon insists that friend of Dorothy Danyl is the best singer. Why?) The VT backing music is beyond creepy. It sounds like it’s from a Disney remake of Battle Royale. It has menace and schmaltz in equal measure.
He’s singing She’s Out of My Life. She? Really? It should be clear whether Joe’s going to laugh or cry. Or live or die. Until Joe kind of starts crying. Again, just like his Elton number last week, this is exactly what Danyl wanted to do with Careless Whisper but failed in the eyes of many. To creep people out in a good way. Cheryl calls it ‘chilling’ which I’m not convinced is a compliment on Saturday night TV but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Joe’s second VT is a ‘Meet the Parents’ affair. Except without the slapstick: it’s just the schmaltz and the meeting of parents. Joe’s Gran and Dad have such strong Geordie accents that they sound stoned. Oh and the scary VT music is back.
Joe’s doing Open Arms by Journey, or Mariah if you prefer. Ha! There are purple strobe lights and falling fireworks. It’s not his best but it does make me want to listen to Open Arms. I don’t write down what the judges say but it should be obvious they are complimentary.

2. DANYL – ‘I’m asking him to change his ways’
Danyl can’t believe he’s still in the competition. This is just what Lloyd said the week before. And both times I wrote ‘Nor I’ in my notes. That tinge of self-awareness in contestants is clearly the kiss of death for them. He promises in his VT he will give everything. Which is clearly less than the 150% Simon specified. No wonder Danyl was voted off.
He’s singing Man in the Mirror and sounds very hoarse and nasal. Simon covers his mouth in disgust. Then a polar bear appears on the screen. What? Then there’s a choir – sadly not of kids this week. This is a choir of adults, one of which looks exactly like Alexandra Burke.
Louis Walsh is bemused by the polar bear and hilariously and acutely asks if Simon thought he was doing Earth Song. Louis is the sharpest judge on the panel. I have written it. It is so. Cheryl says Danyl gave 110%. Again, this is 40% too little.
Danyl’s second VT features his Mum. His Mum says Danyl is such a giving person. I always assumed he was a taker but I admit his Mum knows him better than I do. Then he cries. Oh save it, Sheila.
He’s doing Whitney and does his bedroom eyes at me. Simon scowls back at him. Ha! His tone is again hoarse and girly, garbled. Leona was so much better. Duh. I know that goes without saying but I’m concerned no one’s ever said this to Simon. That Danyl was never going to be a worldwide success like Leona because he’s not very good. The performance is very 90s. It’s almost as if you’re watching Peabo Bryson or Luther Vandross.
The judges rave though Simon is still angry that Danyl’s not getting enough credit. I think Simon’s angry that Simon’s not getting enough credit. Danyl claims he’s his own worst critic. Girlfriend clearly hasn’t read my blog.

3. STACEY – ‘Four little words just to get me along’
Stacey’s first VT removes any references to Stacey being called a wedding singer. The X Factor is like that film The Forgotten: people and things are quickly erased from history. Then if you say ‘Simon called her a wedding singer’ people think you’re mad and you look as sad as Julianne Moore did and then yell ‘I’m not crazy.’ We see Stacey’s audition and remember how good she used to be when she sang and didn’t yell.
She’s doing a weird Buble cover of The Way You Make Me Feel. She awkwardly whores around on some chairs as if she’s an Olly Murs backing dancer. Her attempts to be sexy are as unsuccessful as on movie night. She’s sharp too and this doesn’t get any better when a tinny, but more conventional, backing track kicks in. The whole thing is flat and weird. Oh and she’s wearing no trousers and a Trilby hat. It’s like someone wearing a Tee and a scarf. Are you hot or cold? Make up your mind. Then some strange men in vests ‘get involved.’
Louis Walsh speaks the truth and says it was rubbish. Cheryl continues her Stacey pity praise and calls her a Yummy Mummy. Simon says it was affected and gimmicky and silly. And then some.
The second VT is dull and earnest. As is her song. It’s Somewhere from West Side Story, which I was forced to hear Rhydian do in three different (but ultimately identical) ways. Dannii really is desperate to make Stacey popera isn’t she? Shame Stacey’s more of a Norah Jones, best-when-barely-singing type. The verses are lovely in the way Norah Jones song are lovely. The tone is soft and intimate. Then the power notes begin and it’s working too. Is Stacey on the verge of her first great performance? Is she? Has she learned anything? No because she starts screaming and looks rough as when she does. She totally spoils it.

4. OLLY – ‘Shut your mouth because your shit might show’
On Olly’s VT we are told Olly is hardworking, likable and talented by Simon. I’m not sure telling us is enough. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen enough evidence to the contrary. His gut, for example, makes me think he’s naturally slothful. Olly has the unfugging bright lighting. Oh and when a judge say he’s ‘got the whole package’ we see that clip of him ripping his shirt open. Bravo, editors, bravo.
He’s doing Can You Feel It and sounds baaaaad. It’s like Lloyd is singing. His voice is weirdly deep and quaky. I wish so much he was doing Feel It by The Tamperer or at least some sort of bootleg like Jedward did on Queen week. And that we were shown in graphic detail what Olly would look like with a chimney on him because an actual chimney was dropped onto his fat head.
The judges love it and I don’t think they’re pretending. They want him in the final. I wrote in my notes that everyone but Danyl would be told this and I was right for round 1.
VT two wheels out the parents and the appropriately butch best mate. He says singing means evryfink to him. If only enunciation meant as much.
He looks absolutely furious when he sings. Maybe he thinks he’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting again. He’s doing the soul funk version of We Can Work It Out that nobody likes. That’s his third Beatles cover? Or fourth? He’s almost as bad as Leon doing a Buble song every week. Then there’s a stupid dance breakdown. It is no better than the singing but is a welcome relief from this singing. Then he kind of squats and crouches – it’s not dancing in a traditional, accurate sense of the word. It’s just a bit weird. The plus side is there are cool mirrors on stage which means we can see dozens of morons embarrassing themselves rather than just on the usual one.
Louis Walsh says it wasn’t a very well known song. I despair. Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One! I wish I didn’t already own it.

Thex Factor – Ugly Pianist Week – ‘Saturday, Saturday, Saturday’

2009-12-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Ugly Pianist week
I can think of no other reason for making it both Elton John and Take That week. And for having Alicia Keys on. (Oh Snap!) GB Gary Barlow and Sir Elton Hercules John look a little similar too. Alicia Keys did a strange, patched together medley and won Dermot’s praise for not just plugging her new single. Alicia Keys looks so pretty (when she’s not singing) that I feel guilty about calling her ugly three sentences ago. Rihanna scares the hell out of people – presumably because Jedward weren’t there doing the same – by nuzzling against a white fur stole and singing about shooting people. She covered similar lyrical and sonic ground with Unfaithful and was decidedly less scary then.

2. I have not drunk all weekend and made ice cream
It made the X Factor far less interesting, as did the lack of the twins. I wanted so badly to drink my troubles away and watch those Irish twins prance and parade around and have silly hair. But my acute self-awareness, and the public’s cruelty last week, meant this could not be. Sober and twinless, this week’s live show was about as fun as plucking dick hairs with flimsy tweezers. Danyl was the funniest thing. Twice.

3. We've moved
And isn't it lovely here? The kitchen is new. The lintels are solid. I could really have some fun at this new address. Toga parties, the lot. Come visit thexfactorrankblog.blogspot.com often.

On with the rankings…

1. JOE – ‘Do. What. U. Like’
Lovable Geordie Joe minces to the top of the rankings for the first time with his own brand of pop covers made musical theatre. Well done him.
On his first VT, like all the others, we see him finding out his gash charity cover single is #1 and it makes him warmly imagine making #1 with his own gash Christmas cover single. Not long for him to wait. Joe does win some cool points for being excited to beat the Black Eyed Peas to #1 and for having some awareness of current yoot music. Simon snits that his Take That song choice is a little too obvious. He looks very smug as he says this (even though he’s given this song to one of his acts as recently as last year). Joe promises to give the performance ‘of me life.’ Why can’t he say ‘of my life?’ It’s annoying.
He does not give the performance of his life but his ‘Could It Be Magic?’ is sung well. There’s a strange shimmying around a picture frame dance routine but it can’t distract from how end of the gay pier this is. I like Joe but he needs to butch up fast. The judges are full of praise not just for Joe but for the whole spectacle. Choreographer to the stars Brian and the conductor are both thanked but the canteen woman is sadly missed out.
Joe’s second song is a redo (boo!) and another safe choice (the shame!) according to his second VT. It is worth noting that this is another song Simon gave Leona. The writing is on the toilet wall, people.
Joe’s Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word requires few apologies as it’s really very good. It’s quite dark and sparse, the way Danyl’s performance last week would have been if he chilled out. It’s quite wimpy then yelly which I suppose is meant to be a crescendo. There’s some arsing around with his mic which is meant to be dramatic but reads more as dramafag.
Joe forgets to smile during much of his very positive critique. Simon is gobsmacked and says Joe was a boy and is now a man. Simon says it was beautiful. Errr. Well gay. Cheryl says she is proud to be a Geordie because of Joe. No one is proud to be Welsh because of Lloyd.

2. DANYL – ‘I want love, but a different kind’
On Danyl’s VT we learn he’s going to dance at last and that his dance is very difficult. In fact it’s his hardest routine ever. Out of the 1 he’s done. Cheryl doubts he can both sing and dance at once, presumably because he’s failed to do either on so many past occasions. He’s a dance teacher so I had faith he’ll be fine.
Then I was proved wrong in the most wonderful way I could have imagined. He’s doing Relight My Fire and you just know he had to be stopped with force from dressing up like Lulu. He’s wearing a shirt cut to show man cleavage and his voice grates as much as ever. He dances like such a faggot. There is arm pointing and crotch thrusting and a sort of hula bit and grinding against no one. It’s like he’s the only one in the village and there’s no one to say ‘princess, you don’t have to dance like that. It’s not in the gay by-laws.’ At one point, I fear he will break into the YMCA. I don’t understand why he’s paid to teach people how to dance if this is his best. If all he can do is fag around and shake his dick at dancers, I dread to think what routines he gives the little ones to try.
Danyl claps for his dancers when he’s done in order to appear humble. Louis likes the gay club dancing even though we must assume he’s seen far better. Cheryl says it was camp as Christmas and liked it because she likes her queers flaming. I wish she wouldn’t compare that abomination to the birth of our Lord. And, to avoid offense, I must stress when I say abomination I mean Danyl.
Danyl’s second VT has repeated footage of him shouting at Yvie. Officially it’s him rehearsing his song but I want to make clear he is shouting and not singing. Simon helpfully tells us that if Danyl sings well he may stay in the competition. I’m not sure what I find more unpleasant: Simon’s love for the tautology or Danyl’s screaming.
Danyl wears an AIDS ribbon and performs with the same subtlety of that syndrome. He’s doing Your Song and begins the performance by screaming at us. I realise during this performance who Danyl reminds me of when he sings. It’s Shirley Bassey in Rock Profile. Champagne! Champagne for everyone! I’m glad to have sorted that out in my head. I think if he listened to more Dylan and less Bassey, he’d sing a lot better. And also dance butcher and act less toolish. I laugh audibly when a children’s choir come on stage. Simon is desperate to keep this cunt in the show, isn’t he? Danyl should be safe this week: at least a million grannies will vote for the nice choir. In Danyl’s defense, the singing greatly improved towards the end.
Louis quite rightly calls bullshit about the choir and says this is a gimmick too far. Dannii is nice and Danyl says ‘thanks, babe’ back to her. Eww. He’s so slimy. Cheryl gives him a Standing O and then gets some sense back and concludes it was ‘good.’ Simon says it was sensational and says Louis is a scrooge for criticising the choir / criticising Simon’s ridiculous tactics. Why must they bring up Christmas like this when discussing this cocksore?

3. STACEY – ‘Well it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind’
Stacey’s VT is gaspy and her dizzy bit is wearing thin but there are some bright patches. She acknowledges that she was overpraised this week and uses the word ‘womanly.’ She says it in her posh voice she uses to sound silly and ‘likable’ and it works for once. Damn you, Solomon! You've charmed me again!
She’s doing Rule The World and the verses are so gorgeous and subtle it makes me like a song I’ve hated for years. The backing vocals kick in and help her out a lot: it feels like a massive cheat. She starts screaming as is de rigeur this year. (How I long for the pleasant wailing that we got every show last year!) There’s a popera feel for the performance that works but the graphics behind her look very weird. I think it’s meant to be a star but it looks like a sun made out of honey. I write in my notes ‘that was good tho’ but I’m not fussed about it after the fact. A bit too much screaming for my taste.
Stacey tells us on her VT she loves her second song but is worried about lying down during her performance. Christ, first there was walking, then lusting, now she’s worrying about lying down. What other basic functions frighten her so? Simon rightly worries all her performances sound the same and that she’s a wedding singer. This is fair but kind of new. He has been ‘bumming’ her performances for weeks because the script has called for him to keep the last woman in for a bit longer. Why voice these doubts now when nothing’s changed?
She looks like a wedding singer and doesn’t sound great. She’s doing the song that was Candle In The Wind’s B-side (and that Elton puts on all his compilations and pretends people like and that didn’t just happen to be on the same bit of plastic that people felt they had to buy because of a strange, mass hysteria that we pretended was grief.) Gosh, that was a long sentence. It would have been quicker, though far less descriptive, to say she’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Try and hum that song! I’ll give you a pound if you can. Stacey sings poorly here, whether lying down or standing up. She tries to shimmy and smile but it’s still like watching Bambi trying to skate. All her performances do sound the same.
Louis preferred Rule The World as did anyone with ears. Cheryl thought she looked uncomfortable and gives her pity praise using the words ‘under the circumstances’ to make clear it is pity praise. Simon says she’s unoriginal, not as good as Leona and a wedding singer. He offers the cold comfort that at least her other song was good.

4. OLLY – ‘B-b-b-bennie and the Jets’
Olly is being given a lesser-known Take That song that is apparently one of Simon’s favourites. Or, it’s a song he’d never heard before Beautiful, Spanish Ruth SMASHED it last year.
He starts by serenading a horsey woman in the audience. She looks uncomfortable, possibly because Olly’s mole is throbbing. It goes on and on as is boring. The song, not the mole. And, like Danyl’s Purple Rain, it only serves to remind you how much better Beautiful, Spanish Ruth or half of last year’s lot were than these dicks. Compare Laura doing God Bless The Child, Diana trying U2 or Alexandra shaking violently to Hallelujah to any of this year’s performances and it’s like you’re watching a different show now. A show that’s only shown on freeview at two in the morning. Whoever wins this year will be a Leon or a Steve.
The crowd chants because they liked Leon or Steve until they were written out of history. Louis wants Olly in the final three though Dannii feared he had dead eyes. Cheryl liked hearing him sing for once and not "dance." I did not.
Simon makes me like him briefly when he says in VT two, Olly’s got ‘the only butch Elton John song.’ Ha! Olly is dressed like a lumberjack in this VT and his hair is inexplicable.
He’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting because this show glorifies thuggery. Look at its princess. There are slutty women wearing boxer’s robes and carrying cardboard boxing round signs. That’s quite a visual conceit. Well done Brian and show! I can’t get over how inappropriate this song is for family entertainment and how crazed Olly looks. The singing becomes a footnote.
Louis says there was something missing but earns the season’s largest single award of cool points by saying he likes the ‘funny dancing.’ There are lame boxing puns from the women and then Simon speaks methodically and scientifically of Olly giving between 10 and 20% extra. Simon makes Maths such fun, he should become a teacher. If Olly is in a rowboat going 20 miles a hour, giving 110%, what is the probability he will dance poorly? 100%

5. LLOYD – ‘I wanna be the main event, like no King was before’
On Lloyd’s VT he wonders why he’s still in the competition. He is not alone. Lloyd in the final five? Really? He looks ridiculously fit now it has to be said. When he’s being fed lines for his VT that is.
When he has to fend for himself, it all goes wrong. He’s doing A Million Love Songs and his voice is – well, I don’t like his voice. Suffice to say, he’s flat and sounds odd. Strange and strained. I thought the song choice might be enough to keep him in as it’s the perfect song to get pubescent girls voting.
Louis says it wasn’t great but was better. Dannii is styled like she’s on her way to a toga party. Or a Grecian orgy. It’s very weird. I think she has olive branches in her hair. Simon says he ‘sang it okay.’ Simon seems bored even discussing it.
Thanks to Lloyd’s second VT, we learn he’s scared of heights. He really is a wet lettuce, isn’t he? He has to be lifted all of three feet in the air for his routine and shrieks every time this is rehearsed. Louis makes an awesome gag about how Lloyd is never going to be famous.
He’s doing I’m Still Standing which is the nearest thing to a diss Lloyd is capable of. He is flat, again, but looks fit, again. There is a lot of nonsense with canes. The vocals become painfully bad during the choruses. He attempts a falsetto flourishe and gulps like a drunk instead. It’s over for him Saturday night. And then he goes home the next day. He gets the fewest votes and is the worst singer so there’s no arguments here. Or to put it more childishly: too bad, so sad, that we got to see you with fit hair, we are glad.

"is it morally acceptable for public to make fun of jedward?"

2009-11-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

Someone got my blog after googling the above. I hope they find an answer somewhere. I also hope the person who searched for "john and edward grimes wank each other off" finds peace.

Thex Factor – George Michael week – ‘I’m gonna shoot the dog’

2009-11-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is George Michael week
Except without George Michael mentoring, or singing. Weird. I suppose they’ve already had a diva week which would be a logical theme when Mariah and SuBo (who were both awesome) are on. And I’m not complaining as this week’s theme gives me so very many opportunities to make fun of Danyl’s abhorrent lifestyle. That’s if I can control my nausea.

2. The X Factor is not a singing competition
And it never has been. People are going on about this because of John & Edward. Forgetting that Lloyd and Olly really aren’t that much better and that most of the world’s most successful pop artists (Britney, Mariah, Kylie) don’t prioritise vocals. The X Factor is a circus. Sometimes, it’s a wonderful circus full of talented people like Leona and Alex: the amazing horsewoman and the bearded tranny. Even though the right people won those years, it was still a circus. Sometimes, it’s a circus clown show with John & Edward getting bummed by dancers to Ricky Martin or Rhydian doing Shirley Bassey in chinchilla fur. And that’s fun too. There would be nothing more boring than a straight singing competition: hearing Stacey bleat and Danyl scream is fun for no one. A straight singing competition would have them do ballads every week, with no dancers whorish or otherwise, and showing off every run and hackneyed gulp. Viva la circus! And leave John and Edward alone, spoilsports.

On with the rankings…

1. DANYL – ‘I know you want to but you can’t say yes’
Morally deformed and anally ravaged contestant Danyl is introduced by Simon with the lovely praise ‘no frills.’ I think Simon means it as a compliment sort of but still: ha! Danyl is so the Basics Range of Diva. In his VT, he has a very spotty forehead. Has this always been the case? Maybe I’ve been too focused on his irritating voice and pancake eyes to tell. Danyl promises in a car on his way home that the trip will give him a chance ‘to be normal.’ Oh Danyl, it’s not a magic car. Going back to Reading won’t stop you from being deviant and kind of a tosser. We meet his “housemate” and a lot of other men he lives with. Well then. We learn Danyl’s doing a song everyone knows and this could be a problem.
Except I don’t recognise it for a good twenty seconds because it’s been stripped of the backing and of any melody. He’s doing Careless Whisper with just a repeated piano note, kind of like a metronome but less grating, as backing. The singing is pretty great and that twang is a lot less noticeable. He screams twice which is a welcome change from the usual one long scream. He manages to shove a lot of words into a tiny space. It’s a little scary but it’s impressive. Funereal and weird. Butch but soft. Subtle and ridiculous. I loathe Danyl and everything he stands for but he was easily the best on Saturday night.
Dannii loved it (but doesn’t share her wishes he’d done Outside). Louis says he was trying too hard, which is true but hard to accept from the man giving John & Edward ghosts to bust on stage. Cheryl said he was flat and the bare performance made this worse. Simon snits and doesn’t understand how that was trying too hard. Because Simon doesn’t understand musical nuance. Sometimes singing ‘unplugged’ is trying too hard when you oversing like that fairy does and when you’re desperately trying to make a point. There is mention of the recent press rumours that Danyl not only lives for cock but is one. These rumours are not strongly denied by anyone.

2. LLOYD – ‘Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body’
Lloyd is on first because everyone’s clearly given up on him. His VT also skips his very good Paolo Nutini cover. (Oh I would shave my area with a blunt razor to hear someone cover Pencil Full of Lead!) Lloyd’s visit home features both mountains and word art banners in corner shops. I love Wales. Lloyd is stopped by about two people and is amazed that being followed around by cameras attracts attention. They won’t be coming up to him in January. His family are lovely and Welsh just like we’ve been shown in Gavin & Stacey. His song this week may be tricky as he’ll have to breathe! Yvie is concerned. He promises to sing ‘harder’ than ever though I think we’d all settle for ‘better.’
And he’s doing Faith. Ha! I once sung this at Christian summer camp and forgot the words and in a very real but unintentional way profaned a Church. Fun times. Lloyd’s hair looks awesome and he is now ridiculously hot. A career in twink porn beckons and all it took was some wax! Moley fathead Olly Murs is no longer the hottie of this competition and I must say this is a relief. The singing is good, and not just relatively. There is an impressive and only slightly silly falsetto bit at the end. But it works as a little final flourish, unlike Danyl’s scream which is boring and gets in the way. Lloyd is learning the trick behind X Factor: putting slightly silly notes in almost silly places! He also moves around the stage like he’s not hating every minute.
Dannii says he looks fantastic and Louis too loves the new hair. He doesn’t like his voice and repeats Lloyd is out of his depth. Simon says it was ‘not bad’ and that Lloyd ‘stepped up.’ Cheryl says it was his ‘best comfortable performance.’ As opposed to his other great uncomfortable performances? Shush Cheryl and well done Lloyd. If this contest was about hair and inspiring homosexuals to wank, the trophy is yours. Or Jedward’s.

3. JOE – ‘Just too funky for me’
I feel bad ranking Joe lower than someone I hate and someone who can’t really sing but this is the case and we’ll all have to deal with it.
In his Joe’s VT he tells us he loves when Cheryl is rude and aggressive to the other judges. Is he a thug too? I hope he didn’t find that bathroom assault funny. ‘Oh that Cheryl. What you see is what you get. If she’s pissed to the gills and thinks a bathroom lady’s been rude to her, she’ll knock her out there and then!’ Etc. We also learn that his Granny will keep him grounded and has a very thick, terrifying accent. In his song there’s one note that Joe’s struggling with and that could spell disaster. Ok, when we’re worrying about one note that could go wrong one week, then we should be allowed to start voting Joe to win now. I worry weekly whether Olly or Stacey will hit any notes – or whether the wonderful Jedward are actually singing.
He’s doing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me which is boring and a bit obvious. The troublesome notes is either not in this final version or went fine because there are no issues whatsoever. It’s perfectly sung but we’ve come to expect this now. He gets the first standing ovation from all judges of this series.
Dannii loves the honesty and passion in his voice. Cheryl loves working with and watching Joe. Louis whines that it’s not a George Michael song and that Cheryl’s cheating. He’s taken this too far now: I agreed with him on lots of his other rulebreaks but this one seems capricious. Joe’s still never been in the bottom two and I think and hope he’ll win.

4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I watch you sinking all that cheap red wine’
Jedward’s VT features loads of clips of Calvin Harris rushing the stage. I’m surprised by how bad a dancer is, considering his livelihood depends on making others dance. Kevin, Jedward’s granddad, is the sweetest little man and looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. Simon is like Louis giving them too much to do and Louis is like nu uh because they practise more than anyone.
They are wearing Wham shirts and are doing I’m Your Man. Which then becomes Wham Rap (I think, there’s certainly some rapping) and then goes back to I’m Your Man. I saw the rap breakdown coming and it’s just not as sophisticated as their mashup last week. This week it’s just a medley and is very cheap. The crowd all cheer again, which is nice, but I thought this was a bit samey. Until Jedward show us they can sing (perhaps taking on Ave Maria during the final) my love for them is so dependent on them either surprising me or being a relief from the boredom. I think this week Danyl’s bizarre arrangement stole their thunder. Usually, I watch them and think it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
Dannii praises them for singing in tune and says it was fun. Cheryl says well done and Simon disses Andrew Ridgley. He wouldn’t dare do that if I was there with him. Both twins are smiling and it’s heartwarming. They’re looking good lately.
They don’t look so good when they’re in the bottom two. They look really pasty and like they’re about to cry. It’s very cruel that they still have to wear their Wham outfits from last night. They tackle No Matter What by Boyzone which has never been a good song. They are booed before, during and after and I think that accounts for a lot of the vocal problems. One gives up singing at one point. They keep singing the wrong lyrics over the other. They’re out of tune and out of time. It’s such a shame. They leave the show not with a celebratory, homoerotic bang but instead with an ashamed, unerotic whimper. They have made so many of these live shows bearable that I’m so sad they’re leaving. I suppose it’s to Joe now to fit that good singer/good person mould that Alexandra so butchly fit last year.

5. OLLY – ‘If you’re looking for fast love’
Then go to Olly. He’s quite clearly a one minute man. He is introduced as The Incredible Olly Murs, which annoys me. Though he looks like a pallid Incredible Hulk, he is not incredible. Nor is he credible as a recording artist or human being. He is a skidmark on entertainment’s gusset. On his VT this week Olly tells us his plans to be modern and sexy. Good luck with that!
He is doing FastLove which is an awesome but not remotely modern. There is nothing modern about mid 90s dance pop. He dances with women in black suits and brightly coloured torn pom poms. Perhaps Brian wants this dance routine to be a satire on women in the modern workplace? To his credit, Olly’s dancing is far less stupid than it has been in his previous weeks. And, he keeps his shirt on. He remains punchworthy and amateur when he mimes out the lyrics again. He does telephone fingers for ‘call’ and points to his head every time he sings ‘mind.’ I’ve seen “lads” do this in clubs. It’s only funny if you do it for every word, and if you do it to Pulp’s Disco 2000 and have to mime the word ‘woodchip.’
Dannii speaks of pitch problems but I doubt anyone cares. Louis says he’s not fake and Cheryl says he doesn’t complain about everything. Danyl’s ears don’t so much burn as set on fire here.
The judge’s praise is not enough to keep Olly from the bottom two. It’s reassuring he ended up there once. He’s doing Wonderful Tonight and it’s fine. Kind of like when he did She’s The One and it wasn’t bad but about a tenth as fun (and as praised) as the performance when he goons around with whorish dancers. It’s never in doubt he’ll stay in the contest but it does put another kink in Simon’s armour. Thank God. He’s been a dick this series. (Remember it was he who put in those horrible live auditions.)

6. STACEY – ‘Maybe we should all be praying for time’
In her VT, Stacey is happy and gaspy. She says if their charity single gets to #1, it would be ‘well cool.’ Her family trip is a bit of a damp squib as she already goes home every week to see her son. An Adele song is used in her VT which only makes me more frustrated that Stacey can’t sing as well as Adele. Also, Stacey is advised by a singing coach to cry on stage. Surely the producers should advise this and the singing coach should teach Stacey to sing better.
She’s doing I Can’t Make You Love Me which, to paraphrase Yvie, is a good song. When it’s good. It’s not good here. Stacey sounds shrill and very American. Like she’s Miss Wyoming and someone’s stolen the rabbit for her magic trick and she’s being asked to sing instead. This song was done so much better on Idol. Here it is shrill and flat and awkward. And, most damagingly, boring. Then it’s shouty and no less boring. She appears to be wearing what is either a Halloween costume or a 2.2 Fashion student’s dissertation.
Louis praises Dannii for an amazing song choice and avoids praising the way it was sung. The others are similarly vague (‘a little star,’ ‘elegant’ and ‘a winner’) as any criticism of that shocker would result in an all-male final five. Boo hiss, judges! I'm not friends with you anymore

Thex Factor – Queen Week – ‘Each morning I get up, I die a little’

2009-11-16T02:20:00.001-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Queen week
I bet Danyl will feel right at home! The big pansy! Queen week features masterclasses by two men who, while good musicians, are so wrinkly and big-haired that they look like Mums from a very posh PTA. Still, they like John & Edward so they’re all good in my book. Poor old Queen have to cope with Danyl undoubtedly probably trying to gay them up during masterclasses, then watch Danyl scream like the big screamer we know he is, then play backup for him and the other, less irritating ones on Results night. These Queen men should all be knighted! Queen week is also an excuse for all the singers to become ridiculous (and act like Freddie Murphy) and to use massive choirs (and drown out their own inferior voices). Strangely, no one was that bad and no one got chewed out by the judges. I still don’t want to listen to any of the performances again but we’re making progress. Also, we get Shakira, whose new single I’m sad to admit does not include the lyrics ‘Shakira, Shakira,’ and all the finalists bleat through ‘You Are Not Alone.’

2. Calvin Harris is a cheeky monkey
But one that likes Jedward so it’s a moral minefield for me. Calvin, whose most irritating hits include I’m Not Alone, put a giant pineapple on his head and rushed the stage during what was undoubtedly probably this series’s most inspired performance. He was soon after evicted and not allowed on Xtra Factor. Ha! Like he needs the exposure.

On with the rankings….

1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘We are the champions of the world’
Or at least of this series. I have had to rank them first so often (and so often by default) that it’s becoming a little pointless ranking at all. But I do so enjoy writing ‘On with the rankings…’
John & Edward are mentioned every time Louis says something tonight and are even the stars of another SHOCK ELIMINATION montage featuring all the press about Lucie’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. I like Lucie more than that fat girl last year who was ELIMINATED SHOCKINGLY but I can’t say we missed Lucie tonight.
Their VT proper shows Simon saying they are ‘sort of good,’ which is far too tempered praise for my taste, and then their frightening and legitimately shocking trip to the bottom two. Simon says they’ve won him over with their good attitudes and that he enjoyed them last week. We see clips of one sobbing last week – I guess it’s the one who looks uncomfortable when they’re booed but I’ve already forgotten which one is which. Louis reminds us they got more votes than Lucie (and that this SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff is therefore nonsense) and that this week’s performance is all about the singing. (Spoiler: it’s not.) Jedward meet Queen (which they stress means The Band, not The Queen) and Brian May says it’s better to be hated than met with indifference. He says this kind of indifferently but support is support.
They are singing Under Pressure with a very unsubtle, deep-voiced guidance vocal. They shout-rap the verses and hop about in metal jumpsuits and in their inimitable style. Then the songs becomes an Ice Ice Baby mashup! Suffice to say, it is awesome. Barechested gay gangsta rappers start bouncing and then slutty women with covered chests join in the fun. They rap about being hated and loved and the song flicks back and forth from Under Pressure to Ice Ice Baby. I know it’s no 2 Many DJs but I think this mash up is really cool. The dancing and the light show is also quite slick and we see Louis dancing along like the sweetheart we know he is. They menace the camera towards the end and fend off Calvin Harris’s advances. It is cool and when it’s over, there are no boos and Louis looks shocked. Also, it was their best vocal by a mile. This week they were the best to listen to as well as watch: because sometimes a good song has rapping and verses that are easy to sing, not shrieking and yelping and lots of difficult bits.
Dannii thinks the bootleg is a cheat and cries hypocrisy. She also says the rapping was out of time as if this matters. Cheryl loves that there were no boos and is thrilled for them and by them. Both twins are smiling! Simon says it was their best performance and I get a little misty. He says ‘if people like you, they like you’ and praises their can-do spirit and backstage manners. I spent between one and two pounds on votes for them. They need to win now.

2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT finds plenty of excuses to call him ‘musical theatre.’ This is so sabotage and meant to distract us from Danyl’s more overt faggotry. Joe is happy that he can hit notes and that Cheryl thinks of him as a little brother. I just hope Joe’s not being groomed for a knife gang. Joe’s song this week (Somebody To Love) is very difficult but Queen think his performance is ‘nice.’ Nice is the best word for Joe, isn’t it? Simon says if he pulls it off, it will be good. Well, yes well-executed performances are often good while those poorly-executed can be bad.
At the start we can’t hear him but soon learn he can’t dance. He looks like all his muscles are atrophying in sequence. The vocals are so good, he could almost be miming. (Perhaps he was? Jedward clearly were.) There’s a freaky, gulpy falsetto which soon becomes awesomeness. Joe is so the best singer.
Dannii makes a weird pun about Joe being somebody to love. Louis Walsh says it was a big song for a little boy and says the choir helped him. Isn’t that the point of backing singers? The police wouldn’t call for back up if back up was a hindrance. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week (possibly because no one was wielding sticks or wearing Spanish lace) and Cheryl says they’re idiots. She yells Quiet and Shut Up like the thug we know she is.

3. STACEY – ‘Cos this is Thriller, Thriller night’
Stacey’s VT troubles me as I’m a little bored of what is either her moron act or her actual personality. She is glad she remembered her moves last week. Obviously rubbing her boobs was part of a complex routine. She is anxious being the only girl left and seems to know she’s going home soon. She’s singing a big emotional song and Yvie has to teach her to stand up straight. Queen are impressed and say hers is ‘a star voice.’ She makes an Under Pressure pun but sadly does not mash-up her pun with references to Ice Ice Baby. Pressure! Pressure!
Stacey sounds pretty great on Who Wants To Live Forever. The song is more operatic here than I remember and sounds a bit like a Katherine Jenkins rock cover. She’s flat at times but her hair looks good and her dress flatters. She looks like a zombie in the face though. Plus, we learn later she’s wearing 100 grand worth of jewellery. The backing choir are scary, the guitars don’t weep gently but instead scream and throw tubes of Smarties at the world, and fireworks fall from the ceiling.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it was stunning. Simon says it was the best of the night and astutely says it was less ‘whatever’ than Stacey usually is. Ha!

4. JAMIE – ‘All we hear is radio ga ga, radio goo goo’
On Jamie’s VT, we are asked to believe his wimpy cover of Crying last week was a ‘turning point.’ Oh please, nothing’s changed. He says the masterclass with Queen was a dream come true and acts as fangirl as he did when he met Whitney Houston. He hopes his performance will honour Freddie Murphy, which shows Jedward-levels of delusion.
His performance is pitchy, dawg, and pointless. It’s odd that he’s singing Radio Gaga as I confidently predict I will never hear a Jamie record on the radio. This would’ve made much more sense done by Lloyd or someone who’s less, you know, with the singing. There are power notes with no power and Simon grins and lolls about in his chair because of the audience reaction. The audience clap and do the dance routine because they’re idiots. You know they’ve all done that silly Amarillo walk at a wedding where the bride wore pink and would only serve vollyvonts. Jamie’s performance is so bad it’s turned me into a terrible snob! Either that, or I haven’t forgiven this show for forcing the pasty, bucktoothed audience on us during the audition rounds.
Dannii says it was a crowdpleaser which didn’t show off his voice. Louis says he’s out of his depth and has proven to be a very ordinary singer. To quote: ‘small voice, big hair.’ Ha! Louis again says it was a crowdpleaser but says this with the perfect amount of disdain for the audience. Cheryl hates Jamie’s hair. In the face, Jamie looks exactly like Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo. You notice no one ever says how nice Jamie is backstage.
Jamie lands in bottom two and does more Queen. He has a lisp. I don’t know why I never noticed this: maybe it’s why he’s so unconvincing as a rock star. He shakes his head in order to look earnest and the arm of rock goes up in the air. He wears shiny red pants and may have his fly open. The growly bits are fine but the rest is typically dull. To continue the Queen puns, the show must go on. The show is bad. And the show won’t go on. Jamie is kicked off after the judges again go to deadlock. Even though I preferred Jamie to Lloyd every week, I actually did a fistpump and went ‘yes’ when he was eliminated. I think I prefer Lloyd’s very bad singing to Jamie’s pretty bad singing, rockstar posturing, overpraise from Simon, stupid hair and To Wong Foo face.

5. LLOYD – ‘Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?’
Lloyd assures us that he’s not outmatched by his competition and that he has a place in his competition. I find it mindboggling that he’s still here, considering his poor performances and the lack of support from the judges. He doesn’t know the song, or care much for Queen, because he was born in the 90s. Someone does this song every year on the X Factor so that’s no excuse. Queen say he’ll find this song ‘tricky’ but then Lloyd finds Happy Birthday tricky. He can’t sing.
Lloyd’s doing Crazy Little Theeng Called Love and I grimace every time he says Theeng. I think it should be a rule that you have to able to pronounce the title of the theeng you’re singing. The theeng is though, Lloyd looks far less terrified than usual. And this is definitely a good theeng, as is his crouch step dancing. He looks like a mime catburglar who’s about to steal sometheeng. The slutty dancers are so dressed so slutty they look unhinged. Sorry, unheenged.
Dannii says he’s arrived and Louis says he was much better than last week. ‘Much improved’ even passes Louis’s lips. Simon says he’s still a puppy in the grand national but puppies still have fun. Cheryl says the penny’s dropped.
Sadly, the penny has dropped into my wishing well from last week when I desperately wanted him gone. He ends up in the bottom two again but everything’s different this time. For one, Cheryl looks calm and not about to attack someone. For two, Lloyd sings pretty well in the bottom two. He’s singing Last Request that Rachel and Ethan both mastered during bootcamp. (Do you remember how fit Ethan was? Shame he’s gone, though it would have been even harder to accept Olly as a heartthrob if he was put alongside one who was genuinely attractive.) Lloyd looks terrified and strains at time as usual but he sounds pretty good. His voice suits radio 2 acoustic indie, as evidenced by his successful I’m Yours back in Morocco. Maybe Cheryl should give him some James Morrison next week? He’d stay if she did.

6. OLLY – ‘If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance’
Olly’s VT reminds us of last week’s crazy, fug-concealing lighting and last week’s crazy, fug-heightening dance routine. Also, he broke his knuckle boxing and the Twins are vaguely involved. There are a few minutes’ drama about his injury and his plaster cast until we learn he’s not even wearing a cast tonight. He just has a little fingerless glove to protect it. Why did we even need to know then?
He’s singing Don’t Stop Me Now which I must stress is my least favourite song ever. They’ve already inflicted Sweet Child o’ Mine on me. If someone does Mr Brightside next week, the show will have officially become a bad Student club from 2004 and I will stop watching it. Olly is a wedding singer tonight, with fun dancing and odd hair. He does some bizarre body popping that makes it look like he has tentacles. I’m sure this performance is good for what it is (i.e. audience-pandering) but I hate it. It’s both busy and boring. Also, isn’t this song about calling up men for a good time? Why has it become wholesome family fun?
Dannii praises the ‘incredible’ dancing and says the song swallowed his vocals. Louis says it was electrifying and Cheryl looks forward to Olly every week. Simon praises Olly for not complaining (as he did Jedward and Lucie – you know someone IS complaining and he’s trying to guilt trip them) and for coping after he ‘nearly broke [his] arm.’ Simon gets so confused, doesn’t he. Arms get mixed up with fingers. Danyl gets mixed up with things that aren’t shit.

7. DANYL – ‘I’m a BK bitch, love to ride dick’
In Danyl’s VT he pretends to be nice and happy and fools no one. We hear he begged Simon to let him sing something but we aren't told what. If Danyl didn't sing every song in the exact same way the suspense would be too much to bear. Queen tell him he’s not connecting and should lift his head off the floor. Danyl thinks that if he stands like a normal person with his eyes up we’ll think he’s cocky again. The words cocky and confident are then used about a million times. Sadly, no one uses the word cock to describe Danyl.
He’s singing We Are The Champions. I kid you not. What a strange way to show us you’re not cocky! He sings about how hard life is and how he committed no crime. I think this performance is the most recent of his many crimes. His phrasing is awful. Who would buy this? Then, of course, he screams.
Dannii says it was his best performance (even though he ignored her salient advice not to scream) and Louis says it was the best of the night. Cheryl says he’s handsome and Simon says he’s fantastic. They are all wrong.

Thex Factor – Movie Night – ‘Or I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of you’

2009-11-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin….

1. Dermot is not a judge
And Louis told him so. Keen viewers, or indeed keen readers of this blog, will notice Dermot’s become increasingly bratty and refutes any criticism that the judges give. It’s very unprofessional and undermines the judges and the show. I’m glad Louis told him where to go. Davina would have smashed his face in.

2. There are other judges
There’s the strangely behaved Simon who thinks Jamie, Olly and Danyl are the greatest musicians the world has ever seen and gives every performance a standing o, even though most of them have barely deserved polite applause. There’s the beautiful and angry Cheryl Cole, the beautiful and suddenly sound Dannii Minogue and the beautiful inside Louis Walsh.

3. It is movie week
All the contestants stand on a red carpet and get to watch Jim Carrey as an animated Ebenezer Scrooge. The star-studded event features both Peter Andre and my favourite cricketer Tuffers. That does sound like a fun night so I won’t begrudge their whooping about how much fun it is.

4. The guests have nothing to do with movies
Why can’t they just call it Leona has a song out tomorrow week? Or maybe build the theme around her and the Black Eyed Peas? Transatlantic number ones, for example. Songs from this century. I should so produce this show. The Black Eyed Peas perform their least irritating song for years: Fergie ascends from a giant glittery halfmoon and Will.I.Am hangs from a wire. It’s about ten times more fun than Leona who’s been saddled with a song which either has no tune or two. It’s unclear. She sings it well but it’s not like last year when she did Run with her knees out.

On with the rankings….

1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Who you gonna call?’
The Grimes twins receive huge boos before they perform, which I still think is too rude even for reality TV. Dermot being a dick to the judges is clearly sending a message that rudeness is acceptable. Bring back Kate Thornton. In their VT they say they’re not just pop artists and ‘rocked it out’ last week. I’m not sure that’s true. Peter Andre speaks eloquently in praise of the Grimes brothers on the red carpet and we learn Gordon Brown doesn’t like them. I know who I’d rather have on my side. Louis then disses Gordon Brown and Dannii says she ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m just reporting the facts; I’m not trying to make sense of them. This VT is very weird.
The Grimes brothers begin their performance in a car. It’s all uphill from here. They act. The dancing is fab. They forget to sing again. They have guns with which they bust ghosts. They get electrocuted. A strange lady in red screams. I laugh throughout and on a night full of ballads, and on a night where it became clear that jughead will win, it is a huge amount of fun to watch the Brothers Grimes look so stupid.
Dannii wonders what will be on their album. The album will probably have the same production values, and guidance vocalists, as most of hers so I don’t know why she’s struggling to imagine it. Cheryl says it was fun and ‘good on you.’ Simon says it was ‘sort of good’ in a childish way and says it was more entertaining than the karaoke that had been inflicted on them before. This is so true and I’m glad he’s back on board. Louis says they bring joy to the world and they do.
But clearly not to the people who vote because they’re in the bottom two. I’m going to have to start voting for them. Clearly ranking them first, and encouraging my dozens of readers to vote, is not enough. They redo Rock DJ for survival and it’s pretty good. It’s a repeat but this time it’s done without the big stageshow: it’s just them doing cartwheels and being awkward and slightly out of time. All the things I love in my Irish twincest popstars! Also, it’s clear they’re better singers than Lloyd. And far more pleasant to listen to than Danyl. At least they don’t scream like they’ve being doubledone as Danyl inflicts on us every week. I wish they’d kicked his gaping ass out this week. Grimes Brothers, I love you and want you to perform at my wedding or the bah mitzvah of my first son.

2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT reminds us that he’s limp and stageschooly. Ha! Simon is so calling Joe a fag every time he says that. Like when Troy Bolton wants to join the musical but his Dad wants him to just play basketball and Troy’s like ‘No, Dad, I want to be on both teams.’ Joe is at the premiere and smiley and happy on all counts. He’s singing from The Lion King and is unsurprisingly thrilled about this and smiles a lot.
The verses are a bit tentative and his voice is clear. He sounds gayer than you’d think Cheryl could stand. Oh, and I think his poppy is made out of silk. It’s all very odd but is well-sung. Joe sways slightly and sings about the circle while black men wave sticks around in the background and women in Spanish lace dresses flail about. It is odd and has little to do with either lions or Joe. At least John & Edward had ghosts on stage that were busted during their song about ghostbusters.
Dannii says he’s the best male vocalist, which is a good thing to remind everyone who’s voting for Moley Murs or that bender off of X Factor. Dannii didn’t like the stickwavers as she thought they were distracting. Simon did not like the swaying and brats that he’s not the best singer. Yes, he obviously doesn’t scream enough to win that title. Louis says something inoffensive and Dermot starts on him and then a whole mess happens. My take on this is that Louis is a judge and Dermot is a tool. Dermot’s got too big for his boots while Louis’s boots are made for walkin’. I trust you all agree.

3. LUCIE – ‘We’re soarin’, we’re flyin’
Lucie’s VT shows her sudden transformation from a subpar diva to a subpar kid rocker during last week. Dannii says she’s young and cool now because Guns N Roses are, if anything, young and cool. This show’s values are so warped. She’s singing a song from Camp Rock which is a TV movie. Think of it as a cousin of High School Musical. Or, to push a metaphor too far, a girl at Avril Lavigne’s high school that Avril stopped being friends because she wouldn’t cut herself during Truth or Dare. Yvie is no nonsense during the VT and tells Lucie not to act. We hear in roughly seven different ways that Lucie’s song is going to show who is.
And handily it’s called ‘This Is Me’ and features these words over again. We all know who Lucie is now. The question we never meant to ask has finally been answered! It sounds just like Gotta Go My Own Way or any number of live action Disney songs. Her reedy voice really suits the world of autotuned Disney and it’s quite engaging really. The song’s as catchy as you’d think so for two minutes, it’s very easy watching. There is a terrible shriek as there is every week from Lucie – and which will of course be shown during the recap when her voting number is shown because some editor really hates the Welsh. There are also some good whistle notes and her hair looks awesome.
She’s in the bottom two for reasons that only God knows. (People preferred Lloyd and that fairy? Really?) She sings Whitney for her survival and it’s very slick and stageschool. Except not in Joe’s I’m-a-good-singer-so-these-tics-are-more-forgivable way. It’s a bit nauseating and the song is about destiny and chances. She makes strange vomit noises in lieu of pleasant growling also and grins smugly when she’s done. But not for long. Simon lets it go to deadlock again and she’s gone. I’m just glad the Twins are still around but I really don’t want to read a lot of SHOCK ELIMINATION stories. She was never going to win; it’s not that SHOCKing

4. OLLY – ‘You are deformed and you are ugly’
In Olly’s VT, he sits under a ridiculous amount of lighting which succeeds in making him look much less fug. For now. He also pronounces them as ‘loights’ to annoy me. He’s singing a song from Ferris Bueller which you’ll be shocked to know is one of Simon’s favourite films of all time. You know how uncomfortable he is giving hyperbolic praise so this really means something. Dannii and Louis are bored by the song choice and I agree that two Beatles songs in a row is too much.
He sings Twist and Shout and twists and shouts. He also dances with a wide stance and appears to be wearing the same suit he wore on Diva week. There are 60s girl dancers again. The dance breakdown is quite cool and sees Olly and the slutty dancers walk like cavemen in sync. Olly has two moves during the song: lifting one leg is one; flipping his feet about, the other. It’s possibly good but definitely boring. That’s enough for this high place this week.
Louis likes Olly but hates the silly dancing and the silly song. Dannii didn’t believe Olly believed in the song and I believe Olly nods because he believes the same belief. There are deafening cheers. Cheryl thinks he’s gone too retro. Simon snits at the others and says Olly dancing around like a panfaced prick is ‘called en-ter-tain-ment’ and that’s the point. Or, it is until John & Edward become too awesome and popular and then Simon will decide it’s a singing competition.

5. DANYL – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Simon introduces ‘a new Danyl Johnson.’ If it was entirely a different person, I could get on board with this. Maybe the new Danyl won’t be so annoying and will sing better. Danyl’s VT is edited so that Simon doesn’t say ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer’ Ha! Danyl tells us he feels like he’s got a second chance when the public forgave his dreadful Aerosmith cover. I think this yelping mary’s been given more than two chances but I’m not a judge.
Danyl is doing Purple Rain to which I say: bitch, please. Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this last year shits on Danyl and everything he stands for from such a high distance that it’s not even worth comparing. Danyl still sounds like Neena Samoné, the fattest drag queen in Wigan, and still sounds pretty shit. A tasteful falsetto aside, he’s lifeless. He’s restrained too and not in a good way. Oh and then he screams again. Natch. He smiles without teeth when he’s done and looks sad.
Louis is full of praise and says he’ll be in the final. Why? Dannii tells him not to shout every week and I’m glad someone’s finally told him that. Cheryl likes he’s not cocky anymore. Simon says it was an outstanding vocal. Except, it wasn’t. I don’t get Danyl.

6. JAMIE – ‘I've mended all my ways, repented, seen the light, and made a switch’
In his VT, Jamie takes Louis’s criticism that he’s a fake and inherently dull as constructive and decides to show his potential more. On some level, I admire this but also I think Jamie’s time has been up for a while. On the red carpet Jamie smirks and we learn Phil ‘Tuffers’ Tufnell is backing him for the win. First, the cricketers. Then, the gays. Then, the world. Jamie’s song had to be changed again either because Jamie’s not very good or because Simon doesn’t give a shit. Possibly both. He’s now doing Crying which we are assured is from Gummo. Isn’t that film about abused children? Happy Saturday night!
Jamie’s voice wobbles like crazy and then he, of course, gets to yell. He does so in a raspy but not exactly masculine way. It’s very dull and I remember nothing about it. The only bit I liked was when I got a text saying Jamie looks like Macy Gray.
Louis is glad Jamie has dropped ‘all the silly rock stuff.’ To which: Ha! He also says Simon cheated with that song. Dannii says he wasn’t the pub rocker this week and this was good. Because lame wedding singer is better? Cheryl says by not doing Unchained Melody he dodged a bullet, as that song is cheesy. Simon then gets very mardy because Unchained Melody is his favourite song ever (and that’s why Shayne Ward, Robson & Jerome and Gareth Gates were all made to sing it). He’s very rude to Cheryl at this point and it’s uncomfortable. There is a big argument about the supposed cheating as Crying is from a film no one’s heard of. It’s hard to take sides: Gummo is a real film, and it is movie night, so it’s not a big rule break. However, it’s not really in the spirit of things to pick a song and then find a movie it was in. Isn’t this week meant to be a celebration of Hollywood?

7. STACEY – ‘Stacey, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me?’
Stacey didn’t like Pulp Fiction, in which her song features, as it was violent. She’s more of a Toy Story girl we hear. We also learn Stacey will have to perform a sexy song sexily this week and this is a problem. Stacey and Cheryl both assure us that Stacey is not sexy, which in a world where Olly Murs is a heartthrob is quite a diss. This drama is stupid and clearly invented. We know Stacey is a young mum: stop pretending she’s a virgin who watches Toy Story with an immaculately conceived baby.
She’s doing Dusty which is boring. Why couldn’t she do Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon? That's in Pulp Fiction too. Or Jungle Boogie? She’s also wearing leather and looks exactly like Olivia Newton-John in Grease when she tries to be sexy. Tell me about it, stud. That bit. This song is played-out and I don’t need to see it covered it again. It was already perfect. We also learn from Stacey’s performance that sexy equals walking around a mic and sticking your bum out. Ooh and rubbing your boobs! Five weeks in, I don’t think Stacey has given a single great performance. And I wanted her to win so much. And, based on past auditions, she kind of has the best voice.
Louis loves the look and Stacey’s personality but thought the performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thought she looked sexy and cool. Cheryl can’t dress for shit so I don’t think Stacey should take the compliment too seriously. Simon thought the song choice was lazy and that Stacey is vulnerable. Dannii thought it was modern because Duffy and Amy would cover that song. Even if that were true, it doesn’t stop how dull that was to watch. No wonder John & Edward are so popular.

8. LLOYD – ‘I never can say goodbye’
Lloyd’s VT is an embarrassment of riches and shows all the many ways he fucked up during his survival song. He’s very sad. Then he’s very happy and at a premiere! We see Jim Carrey’s beard. It is thick but wiry: a medical marvel. The premiere and seeing the beard is ‘a taste of what [Lloyd’s] life could be like.’ Yes, being half recognised at premieres is something Lloyd can savour for at least another six months. Louis says Lloyd’s song this week (Stand By Me) is too old but Cheryl says they’ve made it modern.
Oh, by shoving in bits of Beautiful Girls in there? Oh how clever and original! I just wish JLS and David Archuleta hadn’t already thought of this. And performed this medley on reality shows last year. Cheryl is quite full of the gimmicks when it comes to Lloyd isn’t she? This one is just as poor, and poorly sung, as his genderbending ‘I Kissed A Girl’ from last week. To offer a brief diversion from the terrible singing, Lloyd goes over to the judges’ table and takes Cheryl’s hand. It’s lame. And also, she’s married. Simon looks smug because he thinks he knows Lloyd’s going home and his three boys are safe.
Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth and Simon concurs. Dannii says it was well-chosen as it doesn’t show how limited Lloyd’s range is. She somehow makes this sound nicer than I can. For the third time in five weeks, Lloyd is the worst.

Thex Factor – Rock Week – ‘I hurt myself today’

2009-11-03T02:18:00.000-08:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. Louis and Dannii are better than Simon
I knew this day would come. Simon has become increasingly bored, increasingly biased and increasingly in love with showboating queens like Danyl and Adam Lambert. Simon forcefed the yanks Adam Lambert and they reacted by crowing Kris Allen (fit, actually good) the winner. He’s doing the same with Danyl now and it’s just not working. Also, you know Simon is fucking up when Olly Murs is his only act with a chance at winning. Louis sticks up for John & Edward and Dannii appears to listen to all the acts so they’re both tops in my books. Cheryl is also there and is wearing two halves of a glittery clock over her boobs.

2. Michael Jackson is dead
I don’t think I’ve covered this news yet but these are the facts and there’s no use disputing them. The X Factor final 12 are going to cover ‘You Are Not Alone’ for charity soon. Last year they covered Mariah and got to sing with her. Will they sing with a hologram of Wacko this year? I bet seventy pence they will.

3. We have a guest columnist
Will Longhill is something of a hotshot and we have been bredrin since before Lucie and Lloyd were born. This is a terrifying fact. He blogged for Thex last year (when we had funner acts to play with): I think one more appearance and he’ll be my Sinitta.

4. It is Rock Week. Rock!
And no one is more excited by this than me. Especially as on this show, rock means Keane and Katy Perry. The contestants all performed amusing songs amusingly and no one did The Script. We learned Danyl is not a convicing rocker or a convincing human being.
[Rock week was always going to be a hard week for the show. It's a pair of magic glasses that looks straight through the sheen, the tears and Simon's magnificent hair to its sallow and cynical heart. Rock brings a dilemma, either contestants try to 'rock out' and end up looking like game show contestants, or they wimp out (I'm looking at you Stacey) and look gutless. For The X Factor to be captivating, we need to believe, to believe in pop, to believe that we actually give a shit about being a star and following a dream. Where's a Mariah week when you need it? In fact where was a Kelly Clarkson number? Short of an enforced Nicklback week this was one of the worst set of rock choices imaginable – Will]
Bon Jovi were the big stars and sang out of tune on results night. They also didn’t do any masterclasses and as a result no one did their songs. Ha! Though Rachel doing This Ain’t A Love Song would have been ace. Or Danyl doing Wanted Dead or Alive with Brokeback Mountain playing on big screens behind them.
Speaking of gay cowboys, JLS performed on the results show also and were quite good. The song is only ruined by a silly ‘put your hands up’ which is repetitive and also puts too many limits on who may or may not put their hands up. It was not rock but Simon seems not to care about themes at all this year. After all, Leona is performing on movie week possibly because she really likes going to the cinema.

On with the rankings…

1. RACHEL – ‘In a New York Minute, ooh ooh ohh, anything can change’
Rachel’s VT focuses on her suddenly not being shit and it is a happy affair as a result. Simon and Louis get all sniffy about Dannii’s song choice. The logic is: she got through last week doing a fast song so Dannii is a stupid cunt for giving her a slow song this week. Dannii has no time for this nonsense and, in her defence, Rachel has bombed with songs fast and slow in the first two weeks so Dannii has few safe options.
Rachel is singing One by U2 which is a song I find very dull whoever it’s sung by. But not today! Rachel has Rihanna hair and looks good for once (more on this later) and sings well. The foghorn is gone and the runs build: subtle and impressive. She coos and is sultry then wails boldly and almost entirely pleasantly. It’s an excellent vocal and almost makes the song not boring. Brava, Rachel! The comeback seemed complete.
Louis says she made it her own, Cheryl says she’s the best girl. Simon mocks her hair and then Dannii mocks his. Simon smiles warmly and it’s a nice moment. Simon then says her hair made the performance cabaret. I can’t understand this and I won’t waste the time decoding it or writing more about it. Quiet, Cowell.
Rachel is in the bottom two, which humiliatingly means she got fewer votes than the out of tune and considerably gayer than you Danyl. Dermot comforts her after this bad news with the words ‘third time’s a charm.’ She sings Oasis and is foghorny at times but then becomes amazing at the end. It is perhaps her strongest performance and may well be the first performance by an X Factor act this year that I listen to after the fact. Simon says she sang better than Lloyd (which: see below. And which: not hard) but lets the vote go to deadlock anyway and Rachel is booted. I had a lot of issues with Rachel this year but this week she was clearly the best and I was sad to see her go. I’m not sure she’ll go on to big things but maybe she’ll find a nice table runner and be happy in some other way.
[Racism from the British public, or perhaps it's a hatred of Bono? Who knows? – Will]
[And yet the Aryan block vote couldn't save Lloyd. Nick Griffin was squinting thrice as much as usual Sunday night! – Thex]

2. JAMIE – ‘I’m a little bit rock and roll’
Jamie’s VT is a little confused. We relive Louis saying it was karaoke and then Jamie counters by saying he’s not a pub singer. Well, Louis never said you were. He said you were karaoke. Maybe if Jamie paid more attention he’d be more successful. Simon hopes Jamie has a good time on stage. What a low goal to set. Simon doesn’t hope he sings well because Jamie is neither his favourite nor ours.
Jamie does Loaded by Primal Scream which is still a good song and surprisingly doesn’t seem dated, even when it’s sung by a tool with glam rock makeup and a silly afro. Lyrically, it’s completely inappropriate for this show which makes me think Simon didn’t pick it. Jamie gives by far the cleanest vocal of the night, and I enjoyed it greatly, but I couldn’t rank him first. Mainly because I was constantly worried Jamie would hold out the mic to the audience, or climb on the judge’s table, or do something else pub singer-y. It’s authentic but it’s not cool and wouldn’t fly in the music press or on the charts. When you’re not cool enough for The X Factor, you’re not a rock star.
Jamie is given tempered but fair praise. Dannii says she liked it but preferred Hurt, Louis says there was no originality and Jamie is a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, Cheryl said rock week was a gift for Jamie and Simon says it was authentic. Simon then says the other judges are playing mind games but all the comments I’ve just listed are pertinent and true. Quiet, Cowell.
[This was Jamie's time to shine and he blew it. He should of brought out a storming ACDC number but settled for glam pub rock. In fact, where were the Bon Jovi songs this week? Louis called it right this week when he called Jamie a fake. There's nothing wrong with fake, pop is all fake but it doesn't matter. Nobody likes a fake rocker – Will]
[Just ask the other ones in Daughtry – Thex]

3. JOE – ‘So now I come to you with open arms’
Joe’s VT relives Simon’s ‘you’ve got less latin flavour than a dolphin’ comment from last week. Cheryl looks ready to toiletbash someone and sternly asks the camera what that even means. Point, Cole. Quiet, Cowell. Simon then says Joe and rock and roll are like a mouse and tiger. Because rock and roll will eat Joe? Because Joe will eat out a rockstar back stage?
Joe is doing Journey, which you know will cause that song to chart again next week. He’s dressed very well and sounds great. He is able to adapt his tone and sounds less creepy and Disney ever week. The vibrato is lame but he’s been brought up on Idols and X Factor and taught this way to sing so I’ll cut him some slack. As he sings, some random ballroom dancers fling around near him. Random ballroom woman flaps her legs about then wraps them around random ballroom man. Tramp.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional and he’s a star. I notice now that Cheryl’s not sitting next to Dannii. Ha! Have they had a falling out? Is it because Dannii is dressed well this week and Cheryl is wearing a Lady GuGu outfit? Simon calls it stageschooly which is kind of true but is about two months late: if anything, Joe’s become far less stageschooly and far more palatable. Joe is then forced by Dermot to say the North East love Journey to attract some regional votes. He doesn’t need to suck up in this way. He’s quite good.

4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘You big disgrace’
Their VT features enough of She Bangs to make me smile twice as wide as I thought possible. It also shows us Cheryl calling them her guilty pleasure (yey!) and Simon threatening to quit because they’re so rubbish (boo!) There is also video footage of Jedward’s screaming fans, who aren’t Irish, and of the Newspaper reports that they’ve been getting the most votes. Well, I’ve been ranking them first so this isn’t a big shocker.
They don’t get booed at the beginning at the song which shows some manners. They are doing Five’s cover of We Will Rock You, complete with rapping, which is a good way to mask their poor vocals. I do like when they try to sing though. They can’t rap in tune but the dancing is wonderful. They’ve been made to look like the founders of an Edward Cullen myspace group, with a strange skunk dye job. They are out of time with each other and with the song, and it’s not a patch on She Bangs, but it’s still heaps of fun. There is also a simulated stage dive where they are caught by people paid thousands not to damage the show’s hottest property.
Dannii gripes about the lyric botch but she says she likes watching them. Cheryl praises the production and their costumes and Simon laughs at this. I don’t think it was meant as a diss. Simon gripes about their tuning but praises their tenacity. It makes sense for the judges not to attack them as then the twins won’t get pity votes or ‘how to annoy Simon’ votes. I have to say I was a little disappointed by this performance as it wasn’t half as ridiculous as it could or should have been. I bet next week they’ll get it together and make me laugh absurdly again. I will buy this charity single just to hear them.
['Two bad boys with the power to rock you'. Louis normally has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together but he does know his boybands. Just when it looked like the boys were running out of steam they come out dressed as twighlight emo vampires, vampires with the power to rap...badly. Not quite up the the loft heights of the Britney performance but still pretty special. If Danyl doesn't win I want the boys to win. At one stage they even try a call and response with the backing singers. Those less generous than me would say that they missed cue but they're pros – Will]

5. STACEY – ‘I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it’
Her VT describes her palpable nerves last week and how she seems a little robotic. Stacey says she’s not used to being on stage and I notice gasps at the end of every sentence, even if it’s not a very long one. She wants to get better and so is tackling some choreography. This is a can-do Stacey. Simon helpfully says this week she’ll have to do something. He does not helpfully add what that something should be. Should she weave a tapestry? We are left to infer that she should dance a bit.
She is doing Keane which seems a natural progression from her week one Coldplay. Perhaps she’ll do Elbow on semi-final week? It’s arranged poorly as a power ballad and has silly guitar bits. Her voice once again sounds great when it’s barely used and awful when it’s overused. Stacey really isn’t improving. Her voice doesn’t suit the song at all: the shouting is out of place and is not exactly pretty either.
[Only Stacey, the nation's favourite afghan hound/essex girl hybrid could get away with singing Keane. If it was anyone else I would instantly write them off for the series but I love her so I forgive her – Will]
Louis says it was a boring song but he loves her. Cheryl likes her as a person but didn’t love the performance and hopes she’ll put more personality into her songs. That’s excellent advice: Stacey should do a fast-talking song and gasp at the end of every line. Perhaps Independent Women Part 1? Question!

6. LUCIE – ‘When you’re 21, you’re no fun’
Lucie’s VT focuses on Simon’s weird ‘you performed it like an actress’ diss from last week. We see clips on Dannii’s hot rage, Lucie’s hot tears and Simon’s lukewarm defiance. Yvie is looking forward at least and says this week Lucie’s song has notes ‘we didn’t know she had.’ The use of pronouns here makes me think that isn’t a compliment.
She’s singing Guns ‘N’ Roses. I absolutely hate this song: it reminds me of terrible “cheese” club nights at Uni where they always play this, Chesney Hawkes and Don’t Stop Me Now. They’d also play Livin’ On A Prayer and turn the sound down so the crowd would all do the wo ho bits together, exactly fourteen minutes before the first girl off the hockey team shat herself and collapsed in a toilet. Anyway, the song is more unpleasant than that toilet cubicle so it’s hard to judge the performance objectively. The growling is fine but there is no melody. This isn’t a “moment” for Lucie. There is some ear mic clutching and there are some very off notes. There is also quite a cool breakdown (or possibly a middle eight – it’s hard to tell when there’s this much strange wailing) and then it ends.
Louis says she’s a pro and that Simon owes her an apology. Cheryl compares her to Avril. Simon says she was boring but isn’t any more. That’s not praise I ever want to hear but she’s thrilled. Dannii tells her to enjoy being loved. Because it won’t last long? That is so the subtext.
[Lucie looks about as rock as PJ and Duncan – Will]

7. OLLY – ‘Any time I touch you, you just tremble inside’
Moley beauty Olly Murs is closing the show to ensure we go to bed with no happy thought. Simon introduces him by saying ‘now it’s back to a singing competition’ which is a childish Jedward diss. And also, really? It’s a singing competition with this idiot prouncing around? And I thought he was your big risk and you only put through because he’s likable?
His VT charmingly compares judge’s feedback to GCSE results and features the judge’s worries that his Beatles song is too big for him. Now, I like the Beatles but I don’t see how their songs are too big. They’re all quite clearly and subtly song: there are no ridiculous whistle notes to get right doing them.
He’s doing Come Together and has a cum face throughout the song. The song is too subtle for this show and should be too small for the room but Olly makes up for it by dancing around in a typically monged fashion. I respect him for having a lot of strength in his calf muscles though because I don’t. You can’t hear this voice for at least half of it but his last flourish is very good. Then he rips his short open and shows his hairy chest. That is so what Jamie wanted to do too. Maybe they did rock paper scissors?
The judges wax on about how Olly has improved. It’s sort of true in that he’s more comfortable, and he’s never the worst, but his voice is still not good enough for this show. Dermot calls him prime Essex meat and it comes across very much like Dermot kissed a girl and did not like it.
[Frankie Boyle recently said that Becky Adlington looks like the reflection you get when you look in a spoon, if Dermot did that he would see Ollie staring back. Despite my initial revulsion, he's won me over with a succession of tight trousers and surprisingly good singing. Come together is the perfect song for him, the closest the Beatles ever came to Prince's sex funk – Will]
[Speaking of Prince and ill-fitting clothing, I can’t help but feel none of these performances come close to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth doing ‘Purple Rain’ and scaring the shit out of a nation – Thex]

8. LLOYD – ‘Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do?’
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he resents being told he should be in a boy band. Lloyd is a brat and it appears has no idea how bad a singer he is. Simon says he’s only on the show because he’s good-looking and Louis’s views are similar. We hear he’s doing a girl’s song, and will have to intelligently change the lyrics, and that he’ll show he deserves his place.
He doesn’t really show that but what comes next is fun and his best live show performance by miles. He’s doing I Kissed A Girl and this requires few intelligent lyric changes. ‘I hope her boyfriend don’t mind it’ is the foolproof new lyric. It would have been far, far better if he’d kissed a boy and he liked it. Or if Danyl had done it instead. He sits on a throne and trampy women lunge at him. We assume these are the same trampy women imprisoned on stage during She Bangs last week. His voice is raspy, which is an improvement, but it’s still very flat. The song choice is clever, because now loads of fantards will imagine that Lloyd kissed a girl like them and he liked it, when we know that Lloyd would be repulsed at the sight of most X Factor viewers.
Dannii said he was more comfortable and Louis says he should sing better. Louis also complains that it’s not a rock song and it’s rock week. This is a valid point but Simon mocks him for whinging about rules and theme weeks when it really doesn’t matter. I couldn’t help but wonder: was Louis right? Why did Simon start theme weeks at all if he thinks they’re pointless? Simon agrees that the singing is bad but the swagger is better.
This swagger is not enough to save Lloyd from the bottom two. There is something richly deserved about this as he has been consistently rubbish on that big stage. Lloyd suddenly has a sore throat and Cheryl looks very worried. Or, ready to go back to her criminal days and cut a bitch, Lloyd sounds better ill for the bulk of his Joe Cocker song, like when Phoebe had a cold on Friends and become a chartreuse, but it kills his range entirely. (I have to say this sudden cold was a brilliant idea/piece of luck as he has now has an excuse for missing every big note.) He apologises, grimaces and hits himself on the head. It would be uncomfortable if it wasn’t so much fun to watch. He stays, he’s surprised and then this caller on the Xtra Factor makes him cry and admit he’s only there for his looks. Ha!
[Lloyd needs to die. Obviously Cheryl agrees because she insists on giving him songs that are either too difficult (Bleeding Love) or banal (tonight) – Will]
[Maybe his cold is not made up and is as serious as they make out and he will – Thex]
[Not only does Lloyd do the impossible and murder 'I Kissed a Girl', but he also has the nerve to get more votes than Rachel. I'm beginning to think that behind the vacant expression and twinkling eyes lurks a calculating killer. Strangely, his broken voiced survival song was his best performance of the series by which I mean it was mostly in tune and had a breathy quality reminicent of last year's superior model - the quiglet – Will]
[Lloyd and Eoghan rile me similarly. I think you’re on something. X Factor cloning? I smell a Charlie Brooker satirical drama – Thex]

9. DANYL – ‘I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you’
Danyl’s VT is about his ‘shocking’ and ‘undeserved’ trip to the bottom two. Whatevs. His accent is no less annoying. He says bo’om two but then says haaaaaaaart. Oh pick a team, wannabe. Either you’re posh and snooty and should ‘own it’ or yer should get t' pie from downt' way. We learn about a HILARIOUS article that says Danyl is the most hated contestant ever and that someone compared him to Hitler. Louis is the voice of reason and says Simon’s trying to force people to like Danyl and it’s not going to happen. This is true and a big part of why we don’t like him. Simon’s like a sleazy car salesman saying you have to buy that car today or else it’ll sell out and the price will double and you’ll regret it and you won’t get the free floormats and you’ll probably die.
He’s doing Aerosmith and his phrasing is bizarre. He sounds like a drag queen doing Nina Simone, even more than last week when he was actually singing Nina Simone. Faw-ey-vah is the worst bit. He looks miserable as hell and screams at points in a very desperate way. Jamie and Olly outsung him tonight. Danyl was flat and shrill and singing a lame, overdone, overplayed sung in an overdone, overegged way. He misses notes and botches lyrics. On the last note, it’s clear he’s given up. Much like Hitler did.
[Nick Griffin quite likes being compared to Hitler. Danyl clearly doesn't. He's clearly shaken by the furore surrounding him and the song choice constrains him. He's one of the few people who could actually do a proper rock song and gets stuck with an Aerosmith ballad. The judges clearly have it in for him, Cheryl tells him to keep his chin up before the low blow 'you don't really do it for me'. – Will]
Dannii is sympathetic and says it was sad to watch him like this. She also says he liked the desperate yelling. Cheryl rightly says it was uncomfortable and Louis tells him to butch up. Simon says the judges are contradictory because they’ve told him off for being cocky and now don’t like he’s a worthless shell of a man. It isn’t a contradiction, Simon. They want him to be confident and normal and less toolish. They have always wanted this. Simon makes me lol in a bad way when he says Danyl is ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer in the competition.’ Simon is undoubtedly probably the worst judge this year. Danyl has his hands in his pocket and looks like a stroppy child.
[Pop fact: Thex and I once argued with our class at school because we had the nerve to claim that Brandy and Monica's 'The Boy Is Mine' was a better song than the sloppy sentiment spewing from Steven Tyler's gaping mouth. Naturally, the other boys called us gay. They were only half right – Will]
[Yeah but you dropped your gay card– Thex]

Thex Factor – Big Band Week – ‘Let me go home’

2009-10-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. There are judges and there are contestants
Louis Walsh is my favourite this year. He almost cried when John & Edward were booed, wailing ‘how dare you?’ at the audience like a drunk being asked to leave Somerfield. Simon Cowell is becoming increasingly hard to love, given his hyperbole and twin-hate, and the girls are also there. There are 9 acts left and they all have a pretty even share of my affections. Last year the show was OWNED by Diana then Beautiful Spanish Ruth, then Alex/Alexandra. This year, the best singer changes weekly and I only have a novelty act to feel invested in.

2. There was a shock bottom two
The congenial but mediocre girl group Miss Frank joined the greatest artist ever in the history of Simon Cowell’s short term memory, Danyl Johnson, in the bottom two. I can’t say I was bothered by this but I was shocked. Especially considering how bad Lloyd is and how no one likes Rachel. The good news is Danyl won’t win now. No winner has ever been in the bottom two, though runner-ups frequently have.

3. I fucking love Michael Bublé
He is a man of the people. He is squirmy and uncomfortable on stage. His looks are laughable, unphotographable. He went on American Idol a few years ago looking pissed to his gills. See? He’s just like us. He sings songs everyone knows and likes, such as Cry Me A River and Feelin’ Good. Sometimes he does silly arrangements, such as tonight, and makes everything sound like a Bond theme and in turn makes the listener feel like a superspy. It is very easy to get on board with Michael Bublé in all his gnome-eared, fug-faced glory. Westlife are harder to deal with and no supply of silly laser effects will change this. I like how their new song is a Daughtry cover. I suppose it makes life cheaper if you cover your boss’s other artists on your boss’s TV show.

On with the rankings….

1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘She bangs! She bangs!’
Oh I’m still not sick of John & Edward and they completely deserve this top place, despite some stiff competition this week.
The Grimes VT made me laugh audibly, which was a good warm-up for their performance. Bublé doesn’t pretend they’re vocalists and instead advises they ‘dance their little butts off.’ Oh Bublé, you big flirt. Simon Cowell pretends he wants them to leave even though they’re helping ratings no end and last week Simon said he’d rather they stayed than the boring people. Simon is rubbish this year.
The Grimes showmen come to stage from the audience (as did the just-as-hammy Rhydian a few years ago) in bright pink and lime green suits. They sing Ricky Martin to a gaggle of dancers tramping around in their pants on a high stage. At one point, the twins’ “dance routine” involves them spitroasting a dancer; at another, they are straddled, and kind of get bummed, by a woman with clearly loose morals. At times things get very innocent and they do the Saturday Night Fever arm-point: they remind us here that they are virgins who share a bedroom and have serious self-awareness issues and remind us they are not latin sex bombs. Let it also be known that there are giant balloons with arms and the Grimes’ faces printed on them. There is a key change to make Westlife envious also. Louis laughs the whole time and dances in his chair. Louis wins the series’ highest single awarding of cool points for this. I will give him 7 I think.
Dannii is torn because they can’t sing but give a great performance. You’d think this would appeal to a Minogue. Cheryl calls them a guilty pleasure and Simon says it’d be rubbish on radio. Well, yes Simon, but this is a TV show. And no one will listen to Olly, Danyl and Jamie on the radio in a year so shush. One of the twins looks very sad but one of the twins also looks sad when they’re booed. I just wish I knew if it was the same twin every week.

2. LUCIE – ‘Big girls, they don’t cry-y-y-y-y’
On Lucie’s VT her parents call her a slob and an overeater. Ha! Michael Buble says ‘beautiful, kid’ to Lucie because he thinks ‘kid’ is a cool term of address that only the most swinging cats can use. I still fucking love Michael Buble but I can’t be bothered putting the accent in his name every time. Forgive me, Michael! Buble also worries she’ll oversing it which becomes good advice when you watch it but at the time seemed very obvious. Both Dannii and Yvie think she’s got the perfect song to show off her voice.
And they’re right. She sings My Funny Valentine and sounds gorgeous. It’s very subtle but still has runs and whistles. The ear dances because every time you think she’ll yell or ruin it she instead pulls it back, coos and sighs. There is a bit too much wailing towards the end but there has to be some wailing on this show.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it ‘was all over your face.’ Maybe that’s Newcastle for something because it makes no sense. Simon says it was an actress’s performance and Louis yells at him for talking jive. Simon looks sheepish and gives up because he knows he’s been caught trolling. Lucie looks disappointed and rightly so. That was the best vocal of the live shows this year and she deserved 4 good comments.

3. JAMIE – ‘It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife’
Or a rock song when it’s not rock week ‘til November. Let this song choice be the third piece of evidence that Simon is off his game this year.
Jamie’s VT recaps his inexplicably-praised Christina cover and then Buble chips in with some new inexplicable praise for Jamie’s ‘unique style.’ It’s not unique in a 70s-themed brothel. Quiet down, MB. There is then some song change drama whereby the always-right Simon realised he’d chosen the wrong song and gave Jamie 24 hours to learn a new one. 24 hours to learn a two-minute cover? This is impossible, yes?
Well no. Jamie is a pro of sorts and manages to not forget the lyrics to a U2 song with very few lyrics. My problem with Jamie is that he’s not a rock-star, not even by this show’s standards. He’s not a soul singer either. He’s a wimpy man with a wimpy voice whose saving grace is he can growl and shout in tune. I enjoyed this performance but that’s because he got to growl and shout most of it and not because he’s anything special.
Louis calls bullshit that Jamie’s ignored the theme and isn’t doing a Big Band song. Dannii says there was less magic. They’re both right. The worrying thing is Simon refuses to acknowledge this and thinks Jamie will sail through to the finals because he likes him. His betting odds, and Jamie’s only okay performances, say otherwise.

4. JOE – ‘And I despise that I adore you’
Or despise that I can stand you. Either way, Joe has grown on me in a way that the annoying grinning teenage X Factor contestants of previous years never could. Compare Joe to Quigg or Quinn and you’ll see what I mean.
Joe’s VT is about what a nice person he is. Meh. And also features Buble telling Joe he has to be sexy. Both Buble and Louis Walsh tell us that Joe is definitely not sexy. Ha! Well, not compared to them.
When the intro to Sway began I LOLd. Joe is even less of a Latin sex God than the Grimes brothers. At least they have the right parts. Joe starts off meek and weak and grins inanely in the hopes this will make him sexy. There are no women on stage which make little sense considering it’s a seduction number. The dancing is good and Joe is game. His weird phrasing really irks me when he sings ‘violins’ though. Not as good as last week but it was fine.
Louis praises Joe for being nice backstage and Dannii praises his snakehips. Simon says he needs to be more modern and credible. Joe takes this graciously and will no doubt do a Script song next week to show us how modern and credible he is.

5. DANYL – ‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified’
Massive gay Danyl’s VT is informative as we learn his Mum has a perfectly normal speaking voice. Which makes Danyl’s rugger-bugger hyper-articulate whisper all the odder. I’ve never heard masterclass pronounced with three long As. Buble speaks here but says little. I suppose boring attracts boring.
Danyl does Feeling Good, undoubtedly because Simon liked when the gay off Idol did it a few months and also because someone does this song every year. Rumours he’s doing the Muse arrangement prove false as he’s doing Buble’s weird Bond theme arrangement instead. Danyl pulls very odd faces when he sings, almost like he’s about to cough up a hairball rather than another overblown, meaningless yell, and has the eyes of a furby. He’s also doing a Nina Simone impression and singing through the nose of someone in the Deep South. Or like he’s a guitar being tuned. It’s irritating and unpleasant but is well-sung.
In the bottom two, Danyl repeats his audition song. Pretty much note for note. It’s as interesting as hearing a boring singer cover the same song for the second time can be. He’s kept in because he’s 'an amazing singer.' Really? Simon looks a little defeated by Danyl’s failure and hints on The Xtra Factor it could be to do with bad press. Yes, Simon, that’s it. None of us worked out Danyl is a tool ourselves.

6. RACHEL – ‘Get a pedicure, get your hair did’
Comeback queen Rachel humbly tells us in her VT she’s amazed she’s always in the bottom two as she’s a great person and a great singer. We see clips from last week of her being rubbish then better then saved. Her tantrum last week is handily edited out.
She’s doing ‘Proud Mary.’ Ha! Maybe she’s coming out? Her hair is flattened and her dress is cheap but it’s a huge aesthetic improvement from the Sgt Pepper’s Always Going To Be Lonely Hearts Club jacket she’s been wearing before. Vocally, she’s not doing the foghorn bit either and sounds much better. The wailing is impressive and expressive and, just to please Louis, she’s having a little dance too.
Louis loves it and begs the public to vote for her. Simon praises her for not whining and improving instead. Rachel then does a very good Stacey impression to appear more likable and win votes. It is very odd to watch and not ingratiating. The quality of the performance, ropey as it was, saves her anyway.

7. STACEY – ‘Waiting for a star to a fall’
Stacey’s VT is as charming as ever as she weeps for her adorable son. She also does a brilliant Buble impression. Hats off to Dagenham!
If only the performance were as good. It starts off very pleasantly: she’s singing When You Wish Upon A Star which is one of the best from the Disney canon. She has wide hips and shimmies gently. She has the best singing voice out of this rabble (NB singing voice, not shouting voice) but it’s still kind of dull. Her wide hips and shimmying dancing is not enough to stop it being dull. Or robotic or lifeless. Then she yells and it’s sharp and unnecessary. I don’t know we’ve got a season full of yellers but we do. Note to contestants, Leona and Alexandra did not yell. They sang well.
Louis says it was an emotional performance, which is the only time I disagreed with Louis tonight. Cheryl says it wasn’t her best but that Stacey is ‘a great girl.’ Simon says she just stood there and needs to perform. Maybe she should do She Bangs. I’d like to see a singer try it too.

8. OLLY – ‘Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzz’
I will give fifty p to anyone who can work out what song the above lyrics are taken from.
Olly and Buble get on very well, as two men with melting faces and giant ears are bound to do. Buble says Olly’s song is ‘not on one of the most popular songs of all time’ which is quite a diss considering Buble only ever sings the most popular songs of all time.
He sings Bewitched and there are slutty dancers with party hats on. He wears braces and ‘dances’ with gammy legs. The singing is fine though his tine is still thin and odd. He is charismatic though and throws in lots of ‘heys’ and ‘hoos’ for good measure. This is not modern in any way.
The judges love it and Louis is full of praise for the dancing. They speak of growth and craft. I didn’t hate it and I should hate it. My worry remains that he’ll win. He is a lot like Leon.

9. MISS FRANK – ‘Come into the world, spice up your life’
Miss Frank are doing That’s Life again which I knew was a mistake. No one wants a repeat, not this early on in the game. Buble did an awesome cover of this song with anonymous girl band wailing but doesn’t share this fact with the girls. He’s a humble man. Cheryl has doubts about a repeat and there are clichés abound with talk of making, breaking and capturing magic.
Graziella has a truncheon slash umbrella which is all too A Clockwork Orange for me. The band completely drown the girls out and the rap is amateur and doesn’t fit with the song at all. It’s slow and not in Spanish like their best raps. There are also judge references in the lyrics, which is so lame it’s like they’re in a school play and they’re rapping about the headmaster.
The judges rave about the rap and Simon says they look less rough this week. He likes that they’re humble and gracious. As we all do. The judges beg the public to vote for him, almost as if they know what’s coming. Louis shakes his head when the girls speak and it’s unclear why.
In the bottom two, Miss Frank win some cool points singing an obscure-ish Madonna song. It’s not really a song to show off your voice as you’d expect from a Madonna song. They shove a rap in this song as a contingency plan but it’s all too late. The judges cannot agree on the evictee and Miss Frank are kicked out for having the fewest public votes. I am sad about this as I think Miss Frank have more potential post-show than Danyl and I also really wanted to see them sing En Vogue one week.

10. LLOYD – ‘Should I stay or should I go now?’
Lloyd should go. I am over him.
In his VT, we learn he was embarrassed to sing. I bet he was on the Basketball team and Vanessa Hudgens brought out his love of singing and he learned he could be in both groups and still have great hair. Lloyd’s sister has a funny accent a great deal more personality. Buble says Lloyd should enjoy himself when he sings. I suppose it’s unlikely we’ll enjoy it too whatever happens so that’s reasonable advice. Simon says Lloyd better not do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon.
Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon and it’s rubbish. He has no range, no flair, no tone. It’s uncomfortable to hear Lloyd’s thick monotone nudging against notes rather than hitting them. It’s also uncomfortable to watch Lloyd be that uncomfortable on stage. Lloyd does a backflip and it livens things up but is completely inappropriate. I know this song well, as we all do, but when sung by Lloyd you can’t even tell what the lyrics are. He’s so shit he’s not fit.
Louis says Big Band is not Lloyd’s thing. Oh, what is? He also says Lloyd should be in a boy band, presumably because there’ll be less singing that way. Simon tells him to be more confident. Dermot brats and tells the judges to give Lloyd a break. Simon quite reasonably retorts that the judges don’t have to be nicer and that Lloyd should just be better. In a way I’m looking forward to seeing his epic fail during Rock Week. But it’s so boring when he’s actually on stage fucking up. John & Edward got a lot of flack because it’s a singing competition and they can’t sing but Olly and Lloyd are pretty bad too. Only they have the "likability factor" and "the look" respectively. I know who I'd rather watch though. It's not a singing competition while Lloyd and Olly are still around. (And it'll be no fun when Grimes and Grimes are kicked off.)

Bad news

2009-10-22T03:26:00.000-07:00

My smash hit blog is suddenly getting fewer hits. Where once there were literally dozens of people searching for bizarre things on Google and getting me, now there are too few. I will correct this with the following:

"JLS shirtless pics"
"Oliver murs openly gay?"
"Dannii homofobe"
"Twins john edward awesome"
"Cheryl cries a-fuckin-gain"

Thex Factor – Diva Week – ‘A diva is a female version of a hustler, of a hustler, of a of a hustler’

2009-10-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is diva week
This theme makes more sense than musical heroes week but is still a bit wooly. Whitney Houston is the guest mentor and a lot of Whitney songs get covered so why they didn’t make it Whitney week is unclear. Also, all the VTs feature adorable baby pictures of the contestants, and ace video footage of when Joe was fat, which would have been better suited to ‘year you were born week,’ ‘contestants’ choice’ week’ or indeed ‘musical heroes week.’ Also I refuse to believe a diva week can have no Mariah. (Though, of course, Mariah week last year only featured two original solo Mariah songs so I can’t say I’m surprised. I think they is very ignorant.)

2. Whitney Houston and Cheryl Cole have no business judging anyone
During her masterclasses, Whitney sang her own songs constantly and gave mentally sound advice such as ‘open your mouth,’ ‘dance more’ and ‘stand.’ She also speaks like an am dram actress doing Blanche DuBois. Clive Davis attended also and is so orange he’s black. During her performance, she openly gives up on the lip syncing to play with her guitar. She’s also kind of an ass to Dermot during the interview and comes off as a really terrible role model. You just know she had any mention of Mariah Carey banned from this week’s shows. (Also, it’s quite an achievement that she made former mentor Celine Dion seem balanced and other former mentor Mariah Carey seem humble.)
By comparison, Cheryl chose bizarre songs for her boys, that only one could handle, and then wept several times when she realised how poorly she’d mentored them. Her performance was live but shocking as her voice trembled and was flat and harsh throughout. The dancing was okay but her movements were hesitant, nervous. She also wore the world’s biggest visor so we couldn’t see the fear in her eyes.

3. Miss Walsh wasn’t there
And I missed him greatly. It’s no fun when he’s not there telling people they can, can’t or should dance. Or telling Danyl he’s not likable.

On with the rankings….

1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Welcome to the house of fun’
John & Edward have just turned eighteen and on their VT they discuss both their love of brilliant boy band Five and Cheryl’s ‘you can’t sing – fact’ diss from last week. They say she’s wrong and are going to sing a very difficult Britney song to show this. There are no difficult Britney songs so I doubt they’ll show anything much but I admire their tenacity. They sassily paraphrase Cole and say they’ll prove they can sing. Fact.
And they prove nothing of the sort. Much like Eoghan last year, they’ve been forced to learn that Britney songs are “too big for them.” They are doing Oops! I Did It Again and at one point my laughs become so girlish and squealy, I start hiccupping. You must watch this on YouTube to see the rubber romper suits. The dance routine is jerky and wonderful. They are so uncoordinated and out of sync that you have to assume it’s on purpose. There are spacemen dancers wearing helmets. The vocals retain their low quality throughout but there is potential for the Grimeses if they’re autotuned to hell like the High School Musical lot. The good shit really comes when they tackle the ‘I thought the old lady dropped into the ocean at the end’ interlude. Which, when performed by two brothers, is just wrong and only adds to my ‘these boys were born for twin porn’ theory. Maybe they’d be better at that because the singing is not so much for them. They receive some undeserved boos and then Dannii says they’re bad singers very tactfully and wins back her title as the most sensible judge, which she lost during the ‘I bet you liked singing a girl’s song, fruitcake’ drama of last week. All three present judges praise this performance for its entertainment value, though Simon’s praise is far too reluctant and qualified. (He grew to love Chico, and mentored Eoghan and Same Difference, so I don’t get why he’s being so fussy about these two.)
When they sail through to next week, and Riccky is eliminated, Cheryl bitches about the unfairness of this and namechecks them. Because she’s a dick this week and every.
John & Edward could well be the worst vocalists to ever grace the top twelve but their performance is the only one I’d want to watch again online or show to people during a very modern gathering. For all the right reasons, I have to rank them first.

2. JOE – ‘Next day I’m a supergirl, out to save the world and it keeps gettin’ better’
Joe’s VT is about how last week was ‘the best night of me life’ and how he used to be fat. Or ‘podgy.’ I like him more now that he has a shameful past. The insincere grinning and dead eyes make more sense belonging to someone newly-thin. Whitney says his vocal was beautiful and he takes this as a compliment. I think there’s an air of ‘Dannii Moir’ about that compliment but maybe I’m less well-adjusted than Joe.
I barely know the song but it’s big and very catchy. Simon is caught on camera singing along and rocking back and forth in his chair. The accent has become less annoying and, to repeat a point, the tone is very Disney and American Tween commercial. This song is as cool as a racist accountant but it’s very well sung. The runs are impressive and don’t get in the way. All in all, well done Joe.
The girls are effusive and Simon rightly says it was note perfect. He also says Joe should raise his shoulders. And destroy his everyman charm, Simon? I smell sabotage.

3. STACEY – ‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match’
Stacey’s VT replays her performance last week and I suddenly realise how lispy it was. I must have had the beer goggles on. We learn Stacey sang Celine Dion at a wedding and used to have braces. And that she was anxious to meet Whitney because she worried ‘she looked like a tramp.’ Oh, lovely Stacey, when you’re meeting a crack ho, that’s fine. The VT also tries to make drama out of the fact Stacey doesn’t know her song ‘At Last’ and that she’ll forget her words. Everyone knows that song and Stacey is a pro so on these points I call undeniable bullshit.
Stacey sings very well with handy runs and glory notes. Her tone and inflections are gorgeous and it is a pleasure to listen to. On my notes, I wrote ‘relaxed’ and ‘effortless’ and ticked lots. However, I didn’t write ‘exciting.’ I can’t help but feel we’re still seeing Stacey at half mast. She needs a breakthrough performance sharpish or else this could be a year when a novelty act wins (and that I’m okay with that.)

4. OLLY – ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’
Olly’s VT gives us a horrible reminder of the thuggish fist pumping he did on last week’s results night. We are also instructed once again that he’s 25 and asked to believe this. I am 24 and I look years younger than this jughead. Olly is thrilled because Whitney is bobbing along during his masterclass performance. Oh, innocent Olly, she is drunk and/or trying to seem likable, so don’t read too much into it.
It’s clear that Olly has a very thin voice for such a fat head. But then he gets into his stride quickly. He’s redoing an obscure Tina Turner song as a big bang number with shimmying dancers. Which I have to say is an ingenious way of getting round the problem that this theme requires a bad male singer to cover a good female singer. He’s not straining at all and there aren’t the usual tics and flaws in his vocal. At one point the shimmying dancers clap in unison and it’s wonderful. He dances and sings without embarrassing himself, which is an improvement on usual and on Robbie last week. I’ve ranked my three previous least favourites in the top four this week and I have surprised myself. It is a very even playing field this year.
The audience roar and the judges love it. Simon gives Olly a standing o and then says he’s fallen in love with him. Simon then feels the need to qualify that he hasn’t actually fallen in love with Olly and that you’ve dropped your gay card and not him. Is Olly the new Leon?

5. JAMIE AFRO – ‘I’ve acted out my life on stages’
Dingy stages I hope. On his VT, Jamie sticks out his bottom lip and tells us that last week Louis said he wasn’t versatile. He found this “vewy hurtful.” Oh butch up bitch, at least he didn’t say you were innately dislikeable. From his baby pictures, we learn he used to have better hair and ergo that age does not equal wisdom. When your hair looked better when your Mum cut it for you, there is a problem there. There’s also a problem when you go all fangirl over Whitney and say she’s like your favourite female singer ever. I bet Jamie listens to One Moment In Time in the bath. Rawk!
Jamie’s performance stops off every poorly. He botches the lyrics twice in three lines and I just don’t like the tone of his voice. Much like the other presumed frontrunner Danyl, he only sounds good when he’s shouting. (This was the same for my favourite Beautiful, Spanish Ruth last year but at least she had the good sense to shout every word.) There is a tremor in his voice that makes him sound a little boy. Or like Louis’s just said something vewy vewy hurtyful. The song improves when it becomes a rock ballad but doing a rock ballad doesn’t exactly show his versatility.
The judges love it and I love the judges less as a result. There is nothing natural about the way Jamie sings. Simon says the girls could be more enthusiastic but they thought up nicer things to say than I ever could.

6. DANYL – ‘I’m your product, it’s vital you sell me’
Danyl’s VT relives some of the awesome comments from last week but sadly not the one where Dannii reminded him he’s a shirtlifter. Danyl informs us that he is confident but not cocky. Simon repeats this and Cheryl disagrees. He’s singing Whitney’s US single, which Simon rather tactlessly says ‘no one’s ever heard of.’ Whitney and Clive tell Danyl to stick to the melody and not trill and yell like a dickhead. Ha!
Danyl sings and there is no melody whatsoever but as I don’t know the song I don’t know whether this is Danyl’s fault. The song is so lyrically dense (yet still vapid) that Danyl almost has to rap to fit all the words in. Then a gospel choir appears to no avail. His tone is unpleasant and the big shouty glory note is not well-handled and feels out of place.
Dannii says it was flawless to avoid seeming like a bigot. Cheryl likes it and Simon loves it. Why?

7. MISS FRANK – ‘Standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells’
Miss Frank take a short walk from ‘gracious’ to ‘spineless’ when they take Simon’s insult from last week that two of them are bookends as a huge compliment. Their home videos don’t make them look like creepy stageschool kids and they’re nice about absent mentor Louis. They will win Miss Congeniality for sure but the big prize looks increasingly out of reach. I don’t think they’ll even be top group.
Their song, which again I’ve never heard before, starts roughly as the two bookends wail nervously. It’s very odd listening to them. It sounds exactly like they’ve just been crying or are about to cry. Graziella is so the best and the song and its wailing becomes pleasant only when she’s soloing. Then the harmonies kick in and it’s a horrible, if passionate, noise. There are bum notes aplenty.
Dannii gives them the good advice that they’ll perform better and gain confidence if they’re physically closer. Cheryl is full of praise for their attitude but Simon rightly notes the pitch problems. He has no time for excuses. Miss Frank are good sportswomen as always when they receive criticism. When told they lack originality, Graziella smiles with her eyes and nods as if she’s dreaming up a prog rock Leona cover with Spanish rapping.

8. RACHEL – ‘I’m the one cos I’m still here’
Rachel’s VT is all about her shocking and undeserved trip to the bottom two that was actually neither of those things. I saw it coming and she had it coming. She was ranked bottom last week for good reasons.
Simon is snooty about Dannii giving the unconfident Rachel a big diva song like Beyoncé’s to sing. It’s diva week, Simon. Stfu.
Whitney says Rachel will be excellent but Clive says the first line should be better. This is vaguely constructive advice and it becomes clear why Clive has been so successful. If you want to be a megastar also just make sure that the first line of whatever wank you sing is good.
The first line of Rachel’s performance is fine (thanks, Clive!) but after that it suffers. Her accent and phrasing is cool but the Sgt Pepper outfit and earthquake hair are not. She’s going for big notes and ignoring the content of the songs. She’s singing a song about a cuckolded woman as a cutesy, love song: bobbing her head, pointing and grinning. Even worse, she is so limited vocally that every big note she mindlessly goes for falls flat. There is no pay off here.
Cheryl says ‘you came out fighting,’ which does not equal ‘you came out and sang well.’ Simon says ‘he liked it’, which does not equal ‘he loved it’ and says he’s frustrated. Dannii says ‘you’ve arrived,’ which does not equal ‘you’re good.’
Rachel’s relegated to the bottom two again. Her performance of With or Without You is her best for ages and better than a lot of the Saturday night ones. Cold is the word to use about her though. When she speaks she seems cold and robotic. When she sings, she does the same basic moves (the yell, the point, the wink) completely irrespective of the song she’s doing. It makes her seem heartless and emotionally unaware and, of course, cold. No wonder the public don’t like her. Joe is creepy and Olly is useless but at least we understand those things. Rachel is a closed book that we wouldn’t want to read if we could anyway.

9. RICKI – ‘Go ricki, go ricki, go ricki’
Ricckiy’s VT covers many topics including his love of his hats, his mother’s love for him and Simon’s hatred of him. Whitney tells him to be better and recommends he knows what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t, Whitney. Also: that’s not advice. Yvie wins the night’s most cool points by saying Respect ‘has so many diva parts to it and that’s why it’s a good song, when it’s good.’ Ha!
The singing is not much better than John & Edward and about a millionth as funny. In fact, the singing is bizarre. The backing singers look great in ball gowns and Ricky looks almost not ugly without the hat but there’s nothing to love here. And that includes the scary-ass high note that comes at the end. Ricci smiles and thinks this is all going well.
Dannii Minogue compares Ricky to Will Young, to which I can only say: Ha! Simon praises Rickkky for his guts but not for his voice. Simon says the performance was uncomfortable and not great. Rik rolls his eyes and brattily talks back to Simon. His card is marked then and a day later Simon gets to eliminate him. After a limp Westlife cover and a whole lot of sulky face, that is.

10. LUCIE – ‘My, my, my, Delilah’
Lucie’s VT tries to repeat the ‘ooh I’ll have to sing and dance at the same time’ drama that Alex was stuck with last year. I also notice how much Lucie looks like a less whorish version of Katherine McPhee. Google it, it’s eerie.
She sings How Will I Know and descends from the sky in a plastic seat shaped like a bubble. Her voice is shrill and the arrangement is cheap. The whole affair is very annoying: she was told last week she wasn’t good enough to sing Leona so the response to this is to sing Whitney? Mindboggling. She yelps and sounds very much in pain. The dancing was fun but John & Edward set the bar for this much higher later in the episode.
Cheryl says she’s not connecting but can dance in heels. The good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad there. Simon reminds her she’s no Whitney and the song choice was stupid. He is however impressed that she’s trying to be younger. How’s that, you ask? Because da yoot love 80s Whitney.

11. LLOYD – ‘Why, why, why, Delilah’
It’s an all-Welsh bottom two on the rankings as Lloyd goes from having the worst vocal to just being the worst. In his VT he is fit and has a nice accent. There is no mention of how dreadful his vocals were last week, and Whitney is full of praise for his tone. This may be a ruse so what comes next comes as more of a surprise.
Yvie says Lloyd is nervous about his song and should be nervous. Ha! I bet Cheryl roughed up Yvie in a toilet once because she’s got no time for the nation’s sweetheart, her boys or her song choices this week.
Lloyd is doing Bleeding Love, using what I assume to be the Jesse McCartney arrangement. There’s a guitar. There’s also a distinct lack of the good singing or the cool production. It works for about two lines but then, again, the singer is far too cheery for what is a bleak song. And also, barely a singer.
Then the chorus kicks in, we lose the guitar, and the world’s cheapest backing track takes over. The tempo is off. The singing is off. He half-attempts some glory notes and fails: destroying our perception of him as a singer, destroying any chance of using subtlety as a get-out-plan.
I’m not saying Lloyd has to hit every note and wail banshee-like like on Leona’s original, but he can’t even sing the word ‘keep’ in the right key. And when the bulk of the song is the words ‘keep keep bleeding’ over and over, that’s a real problem.
Dannii says it was half-hearted and Simon says in his own words ‘be glad you fit, be sad you shit.’ He lambastes the vocal and the song choice and Cheryl’s mentoring. Cheryl starts crying because she knows she fucked this one up. All she has to do with someone like Lloyd until at least week five is have him look good and sound not terrible. She failed. Lloyd leaves the stage to hug her, and Simon pecks her on the cheek, but we can all see and hear that that performance was rubbish.

Thex Factor – Live Shows 1 – ‘And through it all, she offers me protection’

2009-10-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts before we begin….

1. We have judges and they have contestants
Louis Walsh looks after the groups and wants to fuck two of their number but no more. Simon Cowell looks after the oldies: all pretty annoying, pretty past it and pretty much not pretty enough to be popstars. Cheryl Cole looks after three big butch men and Dannii Minogue looks after three good girls who could probably drink Cheryl’s boys under the table. This week, Louis was calm, Cheryl and Simon bickered and Dannii was rude to sluts and queers. Who knew she was so conservative?

2. There is a guest columnist this week
This week's guest columnist is called Matt who you may remember from last year. I love when I can get all "Previously on Thex Factor..." I feel like I have my own TV show not just a blog about one! And there will be guest columnists future weeks. Please e-mail, facebook or leave a comment if you would like to "get involved."

3. It was “musical heroes” week
Except most of the contestants did Robbie Williams songs. And the contestants didn’t pick their own songs, or we assume nominate their own musical heroes, as I doubt Robert Palmer features too highly on Kandy Rain’s list of inspirations. I smell foul play here – perhaps there were some clearance issues with Robbie’s songs because it was clearly Robbie Williams week with some extra songs. Robbie gave little constructive advice and looked uncomfortable throughout. At least Gary Barlow told people off last year. When Robbie performed his new single, he was dreadful. In terms of song choice (or perhaps just song) and vocal, he was worse than any of the top 12. His dancing is of the standard of an Olly Murs lookalike at a bar mitzvah. He also kept interrupting his song to talk to the audience or the judges. If he was auditioning, Simon would say Robbie has picked up ‘some bad habits.’
[I missed most of Robbie’s performance on account of NOTHING HAPPENING in the first half hour on Sunday . What little I did see was bizarre. In the interests of keeping things libel-free, my only observation is that he did a very good impression of a man on crack - Matt]

4. And the Lord God said on the FIRST week, a woman born of man will be eliminated
It happens every year. Someone with a vagina goes home first. Even season three’s first eliminees, The Unconventionals, had at least one member without a member.
[Oh there was at least one cunt involved in The Unconventionals. - Matt]

5. The eliminations now happen on a Sunday
And I’m not too bothered about this change. Now the single best show I’ve ever seen (sorry, Simon) is on two nights a week! A boring, back-to-work Sunday was livened up by Alexandra whoring around with Flo Rida. And by a weird eulogy to Stephen Gately which was very weirdly followed up by a group number about how the top 12 were going to a cool party. Perhaps the cool party is the wake or perhaps the editing is quite insensitive. Robbie sang and was gash, Dannii apologised for being a bigot (more on that later) and Simon stood up for her. Then there was the usual ‘the next act who’ll sing again next week is…’ business. It was a good hour.

On with the rankings….

1. STACEY – ‘The best is yet to come and babe won’t it be fine?’
Stacey can be disappointing and still rank first. Why is this? How is this possible? And it’s not just because this was a night where no one was dreadful and no one was great. It’s more than that and I’ll tell you using some homosexual trivia: do you remember that stupid bit in Sex and the City where Aidan had made some furniture and tells us about how wood is more beautiful because it’s flawed. Well, the same is true of Stacey. She is awesome as oak and her imperfect wailing is more beautiful than the technically accurate cruiseship squeaks of Danyl and Lucie.
Her VT is charming as she giggles and gasps and omgs in Robbie Williams’s wishes-he-was-drunk presence. Dannii Minogue says she’s fallen in love with Stacey, which would explain why Dannii suddenly has dyke biker hair. I have fallen in love with Stacey too but it hasn’t affected my hairdo one bit. My hair, like Stacey’s, has never looked better.
Stacey sings a boring Coldplay song. (I know that sounds like a tautology but I think Coldplay have two or three not-boring songs and just as many less-boring songs) The performance is unsurprisingly a little boring and a little whiney but that’s only because it’s a whiney, boring song. Trouble would’ve been better. The Scientist is a dirge. Stacey sings with a pleasant tone and there are some flourishes. I know I don’t sound full of praise but this is the only song from this evening that I’d listen to a studio version of.
The judges say Stacey is lovely, that the performance was good and Simon says she’s better in a lower key. All these things are true.
[In many ways, this was the most disappointing performance of the night. One of the few decent singers had to work with a boring song by a boring band in a shoddy arrangement. There wasn’t much she could do with it. Mind you, she is fun in a let’s-laugh-at-the-blonde-Jew-girl kinda way - Matt]

2. DANYL – ‘Have some of column A, try all of column B’
Big bender Danyl’s VT focused on how Simon has picked a ridiculous song for him, which really is for a woman, and how it was a big risk. I was expecting a big anticlimax like he’d do Without You but I was wrong.
He’s singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going and begins with steely bedroom eyes. I laughed audibly and took a good thirty seconds to compose myself. I lold and rofld. It made Danyl look like a big drag queen and I can’t help but feel this song was done much better by that fat woman at Boot Camp. (What was her name? Her father was dead, yes? It feels easier to just forget her now.) [No idea about the name, but I liked her. She looked like she was having a fit during that performance. – Matt] The glory notes were good and the audience go batshit crazy but I know this was not the big “moment” that Simon wanted.
The judges’ comments were far more interesting. Louis says Danyl lacks likability which is true and also: Ha! Cheryl says he’s overconfident and hasn’t won yet. Danyl must be a dick backstage because the judges were pretty nice to everyone else, especially in terms of personality. Simon says it was one of the greatest performances he’d ever heard. Or, second best on an iffy night but we all rank differently. Dannii then makes some rubbish joke about how it’s not a stretch for Danyl to sing a girl’s song because we’ve read in the papers that he’s a massive fruit. Danyl says ‘I’m not ashamed’ and The X Factor becomes very briefly an 80s issues drama until Dermot comes on stage and the whole business is forgotten. I suppose after years of Louis and Simon telling each other on our screens ‘You’ve dropped your gay card,’ and the other replying ‘Nah, it’s yours’, this was bound to happen.
[The sad thing was, that was by far the most interesting moment of the show. A bad weekend for the gays between that and Stephen Gately. – Matt]

3. LUCIE – ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say no’
Did you know Lucie is a girl from a small town in Wales? I think this has been mentioned before but only in passing. They haven’t made a big deal about it so it would be easy to forget. Lucie is singing Leona because either she or Dannii cannot think of a subtler way to copy this show’s most successful contestant. Also, Simon has a writing credit on it so he’ll have to be nice about the performance.
Lucie’s performance is full of buts. It’s fine but it’s not great. It’s well sung but the big notes escape her. It’s probably the cleanest vocal of the night to but the most interesting thing about the performance is that the wind machine keeps blowing her hair into her mouth. Meh.
Simon says that Leona is all about hitting the notes, which is faint praise I think, and that Lucie’s not as good. Louis quite rightly says that Leona took a few weeks to hit her stride and Simon says “err you were watching a different show then” which is almost as toolish as “you’ve dropped your gay card.”
[She’s quite good, but I don’t think she’s a popstar, as Louis might say. I’d rather have seen Stacey S Club 8 go through to the finals. Not that she can sing particularly well, but, if I can bring back a much missed phrase from chavvy contestants a few years ago, she could have been the next X Factor. Lucie I can see going out midway through the series and being forgotten – Matt]

4. MISS FRANK – ‘I need me some ghetto romance’
I have so much time for Miss Frank. Personality-wise, they are approaching Stacey’s level of awesomeness.
Their VT reminds us that they were forced together during bootcamp but instead of whinging they say it’s nice to have someone else to support you during the stress. They tell us they like their jobs but they’d rather be singers. See, these are normal people. There’s no “it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and that my dead Dad wanted for me.” Miss Frank have goals and perspective. Robbie Williams gives them the ‘advice’ that they need to make us forget they were recently manufactured. Which would work if we hadn’t seen them being manufactured on TV a few weeks ago and if we weren’t reminded of this by the editors every time they’re on screen.
For a wonderful second I think they’re doing En Vogue but sadly they’re doing the Michael Jackson song that En Vogue sampled. It’s a dull song that’s been trotted out at least three times this year on Simon Cowell-fronted shows. It’s a bit shrill and muted too. If this performance was homework, I’d write ‘can do better. See me.’ I was however thrilled to learn that Graziella gets roars from the audience when she starts singing.
The judges are positive. Cheryl says they’re her favourite group but she thinks the twins are dicks and Kandy Rain are tramps so that’s not saying much. Simon says it was good but refers to two of the group as “bookends” and makes a point of saying he doesn’t know their names. It’s cruel and unnecessary and the girl looks defeated after. I think the bookends are ace.
[I don't know why Simon would admit to not knowing their names...he didn't know Olly's age either - Olly, HIS OWN CONTESTANT! - Matt]
[It might not be Simon's fault. Olly looks like he's been 25 for a long, long while - Thex]

5. JOE – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
On his VT, Joe says he lives in the top floor flat of a terrace. I don’t know why he thinks he’s on The Home Show. What are the floors like, Joe? Are you going to spruce the place up with some gorgeous fabric?
He sings my favourite Robbie song (No Regrets) and it’s not that bad. I’m as surprised as you that I’ve put this grinning moron in the top 5 of my rankings. The vocal is ok and he’s not thrown off by the horribly out-of-tune backing singer. His accent still annoys me though: ‘togeth-oh’ was the one that made me scratch skin off my arms. He doesn’t have the angst in his voice for the song’s content either. Maybe he thinks the song is about having No Regrets about anything ever because life is made up of naps, ice cream and puppies? Maybe he can’t understand Robbie Williams’s subtle sarcastic nuance? Either way, I’m not as angry about this performance as I thought I would be and I am willing to give Joe another shot. I still didn’t enjoy it though. Let’s get that much clear.
[Joe would be perfect as the 4th most important member of a boy band who can sing a bit, but he just doesn’t have the charisma to be a solo artist. That way I wouldn't have to look at his face every week for the next two months. I really hope Lloyd steals his target audience. - Matt]

6. JAMIE AFRO – ‘Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar’
Jamie’s VT is about how old and past it he is. This is ‘his last shot.’ Jamie is 34 and The X Factor makes out he’s almost dead. Possibly so they don’t have to admit he has many more years of failure to look forward to. Robbie says Jamie is a better singer than him, which is entirely true and entirely irrelevant. Robbie’s excellent advice is to be less boring at the beginning of songs and instead to ‘grab ‘em and keep ‘em there.’
Jamie takes this advice on board and bleats through a T Rex track. He looks desperate and lost. And I mean literally lost. He wanders around the stage with dead eyes as if he’s lost his glasses and can’t find the right platform for his train. There is a good end note though and then a silly fireworks display because his mentor Simon does not believe in playing fair.
Dannii says ‘go the fro’ and calls Louis ‘Miss Walsh’ because she’s clearly in no control of the words leaving her mouth tonight. Simon says Jamie is in a different league to the others. I don’t get it.
[Is this what Tabby was like in X Factor 1? Being 'rock' on this show is ill advised. Louis pretending to be a ma-hussive T Rex fan was hilarious though. Jamie confuses me, I would like someone to confirm his ethnicity, so we know where we stand, so to speak. - Matt]
[You should ask on a forum. I bet you'll get a lot of eye-roll emoticons - Thex]

7. RICCKY – ‘Girls who wants boys who dig girls like they’re boys’
On his VT, he says he wants audiences who’ll appreciate him more than the old men who go to old men’s pubs. He also needs to connect with the audience (which might be achieved if he was a better singer) and cry less.
I know there was a lot of chitter chatter about Danyl singing a girl’s song but at least someone thought through the song lyric changes. Ricciky’s cover was bizarre.
He sings Winehouse and changes the lyric ‘kept his dick wet’ to ‘kept her er et.’ He also vows to get on without his guy. This is not the only reason why him covering Winehouse didn’t work. He is far too bouncy – both visually and vocally – for such a bleak song. The glory notes are half-hearted too. It’s all a bit limp and if you’re doing Winehouse, you have to commit. Hope turned this track into a Phil Spector girl band wall-of-sound thing a few years ago and that was brilliant so it’s not a matter of some songs or artists being out of bounds. It’s just a matter of Ricckiy being poor.
[He doesn't connect at all. My money is on him to go next week. - Matt]

8. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I can’t live if living is without you’
John and Edward tell us they are from a small town in Ireland called Dublin. Robbie Williams says they’re endearing and charming. I’m not sure which of these sentences is faker. Their VT focuses on the ‘hurtful things’ being written about them and how rubbish they are. Note, these things are ‘hurtful’ but no one is claming they are untrue.
I was really hoping they’d do Rudebox but their choice of Rock DJ is just as funny. The song doesn’t give one the opportunity to show off vocally. In addition, it’s barely a song. It’s a bizarre choice but it does remind me of summer holidays before I could drink though so I’m not mad at it. The choreography is ridiculous and they wear contrasting suits. One twin is more attractive than the other. I barely notice the singing but it is clear that Rock DJ is too big for them. When you can’t whiteman rap the verses of Rock DJ in tune, there are problems here that cannot be fixed quickly. That said, at least it was funny.
The audience boo them before and after to which I say: Ha! Dannii Minogue says they’re bad singers and Cheryl Cole says they’re brave for coming on stage despite the criticism. She adds ‘you can’t sing – fact’ but kindly says it’s not their fault they’re still on the show. I loathe passive aggressive women. Simon says they’re only here because they’re Irish which is unfair. They’re only here because Louis wants one twin in each hole. One twin grins, the other twin realises how much they’re hated and looks sad.
[John and Edward serve a real purpose on the show at this stage. Sure, they’re dangerously underqualified to be here, but with the show stretching over two hours we need some kind of break from the competition proper. They’ll stay until the Top 6 maybe, when only the real talent is left. Their ‘Rock DJ’ was the liveliest moment of the show, even if they did both run out of breath in the second verse. Good song choice though – cover the lack of talent with a spoken verse, and then double up on the vocals for the chorus. Their contribution to the group song on Sunday was the best of all the contestants, FACT! - Matt]

9. OLLY – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
What is the matter with this show? Or with me? Why are “hot str8 blojob twins”, Joe the future headliner of Guys and Dolls at Croydon Rec Centre and Olly Murs ranked so high?
Olly clearly didn’t get the memo it wasn’t Robbie week anymore as in his VT we learn he’s singing a Robbie song. Even though Olly, Simon and other people think this is a bad idea. He’s singing boring Robbie too, not funny Robbie or good Robbie. He’s nervous too, we learn, which shows at least some self-awareness. He should be nervous. He’s bad.
Watching it makes me nervous, even though it’s an easy song. The falsetto is ok and then it’s not. Bits are girly and weak; bits are better than expected. He crouches and dances during a ballad. He does RnB inflections and splits his vowels. Watching him is like watching a tight rope performer who you really want to fall off because he slept with your wife or is just a tool. He never quite falls to my chagrin and his credit.
[In this analogy, Olly's tightrope would only be a metre off the floor. - Matt]
Louis Walsh calls him the boy next door. I don’t even think this is code for average. I think Louis is being sincere. The girls says Olly’s nice and should have lots of friends. Simon says he’s charming but not the best singer. Half-right there. [I honestly think he's the worst. And far from being nice, I get this sly, creepy vibe from him, like he might slip something in your drink if you're an Essex girl in a tacky nightclub - Matt]

10. LLOYD – ‘You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it’
Lloyd would rank twelfth if he was ugly. He would rank first if he could sing like Danyl or, if I’m being very honest, Joe.
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he lives in a three-bedroom terrace house. Why are they so into property details this week. How many bathrooms are there, Lloyd? Is the loft insulated? Brian Friedman says rehearsals with Lloyd were a disaster. Because they didn’t end in a blowy? It can’t be like that after every rehearsal, Brian.
Lloyd takes on Justin Timberlake for no good reason. The arrangement of Cry Me A River is fucking cool. It starts off with an acoustic guitar and then breaks into the shuffly Timbaland backing. It’s just a shame that the vocals are so, so bad. He is flat and nervous. He mimes a phone during the ‘call me on the phone’ like he’s not singing on my favourite show and is instead on a lads’ night out at a mucky club. He barely sings the chorus and at one terrifying point hoots like an owl.
The judges go easy on him. Simon says it was ‘stiff at times.’ No one mentions the poor quality of the singing.
[I read somewhere that Lloyd “looks like someone put all of McFly into a blender”. I’m all for that idea but his voice is probably a year or two away from where it should be. There are nice moments but as Alicia Silverstone might say, it’s only sporadically. Mind you, he did almost make me like that Jason Mraz song at judges homes. In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an admittedly unlikely Tom Jones week, it’d be fun to see him do Delilah. - Matt]

11. KANDY RAIN – ‘You’re calling her a hooker? Let he without sin cast the first stone’
Louis Walsh tells us Kandy Rain are here for all the boys. Not boys like him, other boys. On their VT we learn Kandy Rain have real jobs now but used to be strippers. Simon helpfully says it doesn’t matter they used to be strippers but it matters that they’re bad singers. Robbie Williams says they’re ace and dances. I’m going to stop saying ace now. I’m going to say mint instead. There is sobbing on the VT because they were shit during sound check. They’re such cannon fodder and it’s a shame as they showed promise in Italy last week.
They’re doing Robert Palmer because Robert Palmer is undoubtedly their musical hero and should be yours too. They’re doing the famous Robert Palmer song, not the one I like about having a bad case of lovin’ you. ‘Doctor, Doctor.’ That one. The good one. They look like big whores. One has horns made out of hair.
[I thought it was meant to be like a Playboy bunny? Who knows.. - Matt]
They are wearing black leather and fishnets. One has a terrifying thin face, like a cavewoman being stabbed. The backing vocal is loud but conceals nothing. It’s not the worst but the song choice is not current or relevant or hip.
Dannii saucily puns ‘Kandy, reign it in’ and tells them to dress less like strippers if they want us to forget they’re strippers. Fair point. Cheryl agrees and Simon does not. Louis says they look good and nothing else, which completely proves the girls’ point that the group aren’t being taken seriously as singers dressed like that. The controversy, and the potential pity votes, was the only thing that could keep them from the bottom two. It could not.
[Maybe Kandy Rain dressing like strippers is the fashion equivalent of when Jay Z said: “Niggaz actin' like I sold you crack / Like I told you sell drugs...no...
Hove did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.” - Matt]
They sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera in the bottom two and it is rotten. Their faces are more terrifying than ever. The singing is just as bad. They are wearing the same horrid outfits, with hair for horns, and the vaguely pretty one has given up singing altogether.
Simon says they’ve not been given a fair shot and votes to keep them in. I half-agree with this: the odds were stacked against them but if they’d performed well and dressed better they’d have been fine. The jury is hung and so Miss Frank are eliminated because they got fewer votes than Rachel. Perhaps four to her seven?

12. RACHEL – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
How the mighty have fallen. Rachel ranked second last week as I’d been very impressed with her later auditions. I didn’t see her as a winner though. This show is not as accepting of the diva as those Alexandra and Leona wins would make you think. Just remember, Journey South beat Brenda, Eoghan beat Beautiful, Spanish Ruth, Chico beat Maria and Ray Quinn beat almost everyone his year.
Her VT is a formality and her cover of Let Me Entertain You is a failure from the start. Her mic is not working, or she’s lipsynching, because every line has a strange, uncertain echo. She’s doing a karaoke song which has been rearranged slightly: not in a way that makes it more interesting, just in a way that makes it slightly less familiar and ergo even more confusing and unpalatable. The vocals are harsh and she woo hoos for no good or Christian reason.
The judges are full of praise. Louis likes that she can dance. Simon enjoyed it but also calls her Miss Nobody and says her make up’s shit. I don’t know why the judges aren’t as disappointed as I am. Watching this, as the first performance of the night and the worst performance of the night, I thought bottom two for certain. I was perhaps the only one who called it as her betting odds were good and the judges were surprised to see her in the bottom two.
She sang ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink in the bottom two, which she’d sung last week for Dannii. A repeat this early is a bad, bad sign. She is clearly upset and her voice cracks and she misses lots of lyrics trying not to cry. It’s clear that she’s a better singer than many but she performed badly twice this weekend. When Joe outsings you, you and your voice, you got issues.
[Rachel got everything wrong Saturday. I was worried about her before the results show. Granted, it’s not her fault she was on first on Saturday, but the song didn’t fit at all, and I’ll be frank about this, she needs to wear something more revealing. Or at least a top that doesn’t make me imagine an ice dancer from the early ‘80s. - Matt]

Thex Factor – Judges’ Homes – ‘Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny’

2009-10-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

These are the salient facts as we begin….

1. It is judges’ homes week

These are always my favourite shows. We’re at the stage now where we see good people sing. Well, sort of. There is Oliver Murs this year after all. Last year Austin, Scott and the fat girl really shined at this stage so that shows how much I know. We also get the results show where people are put through or sent home and both the contestants and myself spend a good hour crying. Although not this year because I was made very angry by many decisions

2. Louis went to Italy with the groups and Ronan Keating

Ronan Keating looks very old but was surprisingly frank. A good guest judge I thought and one who made it clear how much he loathed the Twilight porn twins.
The reinstated Hood Harmony were allowed back but are clearly not going through because they’re rubbish AND Louis doesn’t want to live out his twin fantasy. Manufactured girl group Miss Frank were heaps of fun and rapped in Spanish. Boring girl group Project A were pretty shrill (when it would have been much better to be pretty but shrill) and one looks distractingly like Saffia from Big Brother. Girl group Kandy Rain, who used to be strippers, won me over with a tight Lady Gaga cover. I’d prejudged them but they really do prove that just cos she dance a go go, it don’t make her a ho no. De-Tour are the new Journey South or MacDonald Brothers, two years too late. John & Edward are twins who could both be the ugly one who doesn’t sing in many 90s boybands.
Louis puts through the dynamic Kandy Rain, the dynamic-er Miss Frank and the dynamism-free John & Edward. I don’t understand the appeal of twins myself. And that’s on both an erotic and a spiritual level: incest isn’t fit and also they have half a soul each. But Louis has every right to vote with his dick if he wants.

3. Dannii went to Dubai with the girls and with Kylie

Stacey from Dagenham continues to be awesome every time we see her. This time she did ‘Over The Rainbow’ which this show has a habit of giving the winner to sing (e.g. Leona, Shayne). It does concern me though that she always looks like a panic attack is imminent. Rachel Adedeji is becoming similarly reliable, this time doing Pink, and Lucie continued her fast progress and looked much better with a tan.
Nicole, a girl we’ve only ever seen in montages, sang with a Duffy/Paloma Faith accent and forgot her words so is a dick on two levels. Stacey from S Club Juniors is another one we’ve only seen in montages and so I thought she might be good because she’s made it this far. Wrong! She’s shit. So shit that the Britney song she’s covering is “too big for her.” So shit it’s clear why she wasn’t asked to join The Saturdays with the other Juniors. Cypriot Despina was rapsy and unpleasant and clearly paled in comparison to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. It is very telling and worth noting that Despina was the only act who I had to look up to write this recap. She’s a bore.
Dagenham Stacey, Lucie and Rachel go through and I am relieved. I am looking forward to all three’s first performance.
Dannii gets a lot of flack but she is the only judge to pick the three best singers in her category. And to pick three artists who are commercially viable. And to pick no contestants who are clearly dicks. She cannot get enough credit for this.

4. Cheryl went to Morocca with some gays

Ok I want to stress I’m not being libellous here. When I say ‘some gays’, I don’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘bad’, I mean ‘gay’ as in ‘shit.’ And with FLAMING mannerisms. And who seemed just a bit too excited that Will Young was the guest mentor.
There’s Joseph who still sings like a girl on top of a mechanical crab during a Euro Disney parade. There’s Ethan who is fit but has a dubious penchant for stroking his competitors. There’s Daniel, the musical theatre man who can’t stop singing badly to the back rows. There’s Duane who you’ll remember once auditioned with Beyoncé’s ‘Broken Hearted Girl.’ There’s Ricckkiy whose love of hats and falsetto makes him seem like the clingy ex-boyfriend of a Justin Timberlake strippogram. This category is dreadful this year. 16 year-old Lloyd’s voice hasn’t broken for definite but he is the butchest one in this mob. Also, his cover of I’m Yours (the song he was panned for doing at his first audition) was confident and hip by this show’s standards.
I call so much bullshit about Cheryl’s section. First there was the nonsense where she was about to send Daniel home then walked off to reconsider then booted him anyway. Then there was pretending Duane was out of tune (a trick they’ve pulled to eliminate the better singer before.) Then there was the putting through Joseph (ugly, bad singer, creepy) and not Ethan (fit, okay singer, fit). Cheryl Cole is a wanker this year.

5. Simon went to L.A. with some codgers

Simon is a wanker also. And, clearly, not always right.
The editors’ least favourite and very obvious cannon fodder Treyc sang very well but Simon doubted her star quality. Daniel from One True Voice was given a George Michael issues record and sang the shit out of it. Nicole stomped her fat foot three times and growled in the hopes she’d suddenly become Jennifer Hudson.
Jamie Afro creeped me the fuck out with both a whiney Oasis cover and his bug eyes. Danyl oversang Alicia Keys’s ‘Fallin” and earned Simon’s ire. He’s also become very, very posh. I thought he was a P.E. teacher – whose P.E. teacher talks like that? Oliver Murs still can’t sing, still can’t dance and still has boss eyes, a flat face, a receding hairline, a woman’s bust and a big-ass mole. It troubles me that the judges think that this and creepy-as Joseph look like popstars.
Simon kicks out the best singers because Treyc’s boring, because Nicole’s a club singer ham and because Daniel’s already had a go on the fame bicycle. I will miss Daniel and think of him daily. He puts through Oliver, Danyl and Jamie Afro and I get a little bit sick in my mouth. The latter two could well win but Oliver has no business on that stage.

On with the rankings in anticipation of the first live show….

1. STACEY
Stacey is the new Leona. I sense it. She can sing ballads very well. She lacks self-confidence. Her personality is not instantly abrasive. She is fug from some angles. She also has the Leona curls. I predict good things.

2. RACHEL

She had me at ‘Last Request.’ The lesbian hair is a shame but I’m sure the stylists will deal with that.

3. MISS FRANK

There’s not been enough Spanish rapping on this show before. I’m not saying I want to see it again but Miss Frank are cool.

4. KANDY RAIN

And so are these tramps! Both their judges’ home performances were good and I can’t help but get the feeling they can sing. My fear is they’ll go first week. At least one contestant with a vagina has been eliminated week one of every X Factor series so far. Don’t believe me? Look it up.

5. LUCIE

Yes, the whole ‘girl from the valleys with a dream’ thing is annoying and clearly not true. But Lucie has shown enough vocal chops for this high place on the ranking.

6. LLOYD

His second go at an I’m Yours cover was very good. And he is the only man in the contest who I don’t have a barely concealed personal problem with. So kudos to Llyod!

7. DANYL

Simon needs to have a good shout at him. Then Simon will give him very obvious songs to sing well. Perhaps Song For You? She’s The One? They trot that out every year. This plan could work and he could zoom to the top of this list.

8. JAMIE AFRO

Jamie gets some cool points for swearing at Simon but I still don’t like his voice or his face. Also the rockstar outfit is annoying when you sing covers in bad pubs or on bad TV shows.

9. RICCIKY

I will spell his name correctly when he sings a melody correctly. That is all.

10. JOHN & EDWARD

“Bella, you know I can’t kiss you because I’m a vampire. But my twin can eat your –”

11. OLIVER

I get so many hits from people searching for info on his jumper. It was a very nice jumper. And I imagine he bought it from TopMan or River Island. Because he’s a top lad! I have no idea why he’s been put through.

12. JOSEPH

I know why Joseph’s gone through (he’s from Newcastle, he’s this year’s creepy stage school kid a la Eoghan/Ray) but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Danyl and Stacey need to be awesome so that this clown doesn’t win. He will make the final though, the creepy stage school kid usually does.