These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. There are judges and there are contestants
Louis Walsh is my favourite this year. He almost cried when John & Edward were booed, wailing ‘how dare you?’ at the audience like a drunk being asked to leave Somerfield. Simon Cowell is becoming increasingly hard to love, given his hyperbole and twin-hate, and the girls are also there. There are 9 acts left and they all have a pretty even share of my affections. Last year the show was OWNED by Diana then Beautiful Spanish Ruth, then Alex/Alexandra. This year, the best singer changes weekly and I only have a novelty act to feel invested in.
2. There was a shock bottom two
The congenial but mediocre girl group Miss Frank joined the greatest artist ever in the history of Simon Cowell’s short term memory, Danyl Johnson, in the bottom two. I can’t say I was bothered by this but I was shocked. Especially considering how bad Lloyd is and how no one likes Rachel. The good news is Danyl won’t win now. No winner has ever been in the bottom two, though runner-ups frequently have.
3. I fucking love Michael Bublé
He is a man of the people. He is squirmy and uncomfortable on stage. His looks are laughable, unphotographable. He went on American Idol a few years ago looking pissed to his gills. See? He’s just like us. He sings songs everyone knows and likes, such as Cry Me A River and Feelin’ Good. Sometimes he does silly arrangements, such as tonight, and makes everything sound like a Bond theme and in turn makes the listener feel like a superspy. It is very easy to get on board with Michael Bublé in all his gnome-eared, fug-faced glory. Westlife are harder to deal with and no supply of silly laser effects will change this. I like how their new song is a Daughtry cover. I suppose it makes life cheaper if you cover your boss’s other artists on your boss’s TV show.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘She bangs! She bangs!’
Oh I’m still not sick of John & Edward and they completely deserve this top place, despite some stiff competition this week.
The Grimes VT made me laugh audibly, which was a good warm-up for their performance. Bublé doesn’t pretend they’re vocalists and instead advises they ‘dance their little butts off.’ Oh Bublé, you big flirt. Simon Cowell pretends he wants them to leave even though they’re helping ratings no end and last week Simon said he’d rather they stayed than the boring people. Simon is rubbish this year.
The Grimes showmen come to stage from the audience (as did the just-as-hammy Rhydian a few years ago) in bright pink and lime green suits. They sing Ricky Martin to a gaggle of dancers tramping around in their pants on a high stage. At one point, the twins’ “dance routine” involves them spitroasting a dancer; at another, they are straddled, and kind of get bummed, by a woman with clearly loose morals. At times things get very innocent and they do the Saturday Night Fever arm-point: they remind us here that they are virgins who share a bedroom and have serious self-awareness issues and remind us they are not latin sex bombs. Let it also be known that there are giant balloons with arms and the Grimes’ faces printed on them. There is a key change to make Westlife envious also. Louis laughs the whole time and dances in his chair. Louis wins the series’ highest single awarding of cool points for this. I will give him 7 I think.
Dannii is torn because they can’t sing but give a great performance. You’d think this would appeal to a Minogue. Cheryl calls them a guilty pleasure and Simon says it’d be rubbish on radio. Well, yes Simon, but this is a TV show. And no one will listen to Olly, Danyl and Jamie on the radio in a year so shush. One of the twins looks very sad but one of the twins also looks sad when they’re booed. I just wish I knew if it was the same twin every week.
2. LUCIE – ‘Big girls, they don’t cry-y-y-y-y’
On Lucie’s VT her parents call her a slob and an overeater. Ha! Michael Buble says ‘beautiful, kid’ to Lucie because he thinks ‘kid’ is a cool term of address that only the most swinging cats can use. I still fucking love Michael Buble but I can’t be bothered putting the accent in his name every time. Forgive me, Michael! Buble also worries she’ll oversing it which becomes good advice when you watch it but at the time seemed very obvious. Both Dannii and Yvie think she’s got the perfect song to show off her voice.
And they’re right. She sings My Funny Valentine and sounds gorgeous. It’s very subtle but still has runs and whistles. The ear dances because every time you think she’ll yell or ruin it she instead pulls it back, coos and sighs. There is a bit too much wailing towards the end but there has to be some wailing on this show.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it ‘was all over your face.’ Maybe that’s Newcastle for something because it makes no sense. Simon says it was an actress’s performance and Louis yells at him for talking jive. Simon looks sheepish and gives up because he knows he’s been caught trolling. Lucie looks disappointed and rightly so. That was the best vocal of the live shows this year and she deserved 4 good comments.
3. JAMIE – ‘It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife’
Or a rock song when it’s not rock week ‘til November. Let this song choice be the third piece of evidence that Simon is off his game this year.
Jamie’s VT recaps his inexplicably-praised Christina cover and then Buble chips in with some new inexplicable praise for Jamie’s ‘unique style.’ It’s not unique in a 70s-themed brothel. Quiet down, MB. There is then some song change drama whereby the always-right Simon realised he’d chosen the wrong song and gave Jamie 24 hours to learn a new one. 24 hours to learn a two-minute cover? This is impossible, yes?
Well no. Jamie is a pro of sorts and manages to not forget the lyrics to a U2 song with very few lyrics. My problem with Jamie is that he’s not a rock-star, not even by this show’s standards. He’s not a soul singer either. He’s a wimpy man with a wimpy voice whose saving grace is he can growl and shout in tune. I enjoyed this performance but that’s because he got to growl and shout most of it and not because he’s anything special.
Louis calls bullshit that Jamie’s ignored the theme and isn’t doing a Big Band song. Dannii says there was less magic. They’re both right. The worrying thing is Simon refuses to acknowledge this and thinks Jamie will sail through to the finals because he likes him. His betting odds, and Jamie’s only okay performances, say otherwise.
4. JOE – ‘And I despise that I adore you’
Or despise that I can stand you. Either way, Joe has grown on me in a way that the annoying grinning teenage X Factor contestants of previous years never could. Compare Joe to Quigg or Quinn and you’ll see what I mean.
Joe’s VT is about what a nice person he is. Meh. And also features Buble telling Joe he has to be sexy. Both Buble and Louis Walsh tell us that Joe is definitely not sexy. Ha! Well, not compared to them.
When the intro to Sway began I LOLd. Joe is even less of a Latin sex God than the Grimes brothers. At least they have the right parts. Joe starts off meek and weak and grins inanely in the hopes this will make him sexy. There are no women on stage which make little sense considering it’s a seduction number. The dancing is good and Joe is game. His weird phrasing really irks me when he sings ‘violins’ though. Not as good as last week but it was fine.
Louis praises Joe for being nice backstage and Dannii praises his snakehips. Simon says he needs to be more modern and credible. Joe takes this graciously and will no doubt do a Script song next week to show us how modern and credible he is.
5. DANYL – ‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified’
Massive gay Danyl’s VT is informative as we learn his Mum has a perfectly normal speaking voice. Which makes Danyl’s rugger-bugger hyper-articulate whisper all the odder. I’ve never heard masterclass pronounced with three long As. Buble speaks here but says little. I suppose boring attracts boring.
Danyl does Feeling Good, undoubtedly because Simon liked when the gay off Idol did it a few months and also because someone does this song every year. Rumours he’s doing the Muse arrangement prove false as he’s doing Buble’s weird Bond theme arrangement instead. Danyl pulls very odd faces when he sings, almost like he’s about to cough up a hairball rather than another overblown, meaningless yell, and has the eyes of a furby. He’s also doing a Nina Simone impression and singing through the nose of someone in the Deep South. Or like he’s a guitar being tuned. It’s irritating and unpleasant but is well-sung.
In the bottom two, Danyl repeats his audition song. Pretty much note for note. It’s as interesting as hearing a boring singer cover the same song for the second time can be. He’s kept in because he’s 'an amazing singer.' Really? Simon looks a little defeated by Danyl’s failure and hints on The Xtra Factor it could be to do with bad press. Yes, Simon, that’s it. None of us worked out Danyl is a tool ourselves.
6. RACHEL – ‘Get a pedicure, get your hair did’
Comeback queen Rachel humbly tells us in her VT she’s amazed she’s always in the bottom two as she’s a great person and a great singer. We see clips from last week of her being rubbish then better then saved. Her tantrum last week is handily edited out.
She’s doing ‘Proud Mary.’ Ha! Maybe she’s coming out? Her hair is flattened and her dress is cheap but it’s a huge aesthetic improvement from the Sgt Pepper’s Always Going To Be Lonely Hearts Club jacket she’s been wearing before. Vocally, she’s not doing the foghorn bit either and sounds much better. The wailing is impressive and expressive and, just to please Louis, she’s having a little dance too.
Louis loves it and begs the public to vote for her. Simon praises her for not whining and improving instead. Rachel then does a very good Stacey impression to appear more likable and win votes. It is very odd to watch and not ingratiating. The quality of the performance, ropey as it was, saves her anyway.
7. STACEY – ‘Waiting for a star to a fall’
Stacey’s VT is as charming as ever as she weeps for her adorable son. She also does a brilliant Buble impression. Hats off to Dagenham!
If only the performance were as good. It starts off very pleasantly: she’s singing When You Wish Upon A Star which is one of the best from the Disney canon. She has wide hips and shimmies gently. She has the best singing voice out of this rabble (NB singing voice, not shouting voice) but it’s still kind of dull. Her wide hips and shimmying dancing is not enough to stop it being dull. Or robotic or lifeless. Then she yells and it’s sharp and unnecessary. I don’t know we’ve got a season full of yellers but we do. Note to contestants, Leona and Alexandra did not yell. They sang well.
Louis says it was an emotional performance, which is the only time I disagreed with Louis tonight. Cheryl says it wasn’t her best but that Stacey is ‘a great girl.’ Simon says she just stood there and needs to perform. Maybe she should do She Bangs. I’d like to see a singer try it too.
8. OLLY – ‘Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzz’
I will give fifty p to anyone who can work out what song the above lyrics are taken from.
Olly and Buble get on very well, as two men with melting faces and giant ears are bound to do. Buble says Olly’s song is ‘not on one of the most popular songs of all time’ which is quite a diss considering Buble only ever sings the most popular songs of all time.
He sings Bewitched and there are slutty dancers with party hats on. He wears braces and ‘dances’ with gammy legs. The singing is fine though his tine is still thin and odd. He is charismatic though and throws in lots of ‘heys’ and ‘hoos’ for good measure. This is not modern in any way.
The judges love it and Louis is full of praise for the dancing. They speak of growth and craft. I didn’t hate it and I should hate it. My worry remains that he’ll win. He is a lot like Leon.
9. MISS FRANK – ‘Come into the world, spice up your life’
Miss Frank are doing That’s Life again which I knew was a mistake. No one wants a repeat, not this early on in the game. Buble did an awesome cover of this song with anonymous girl band wailing but doesn’t share this fact with the girls. He’s a humble man. Cheryl has doubts about a repeat and there are clichés abound with talk of making, breaking and capturing magic.
Graziella has a truncheon slash umbrella which is all too A Clockwork Orange for me. The band completely drown the girls out and the rap is amateur and doesn’t fit with the song at all. It’s slow and not in Spanish like their best raps. There are also judge references in the lyrics, which is so lame it’s like they’re in a school play and they’re rapping about the headmaster.
The judges rave about the rap and Simon says they look less rough this week. He likes that they’re humble and gracious. As we all do. The judges beg the public to vote for him, almost as if they know what’s coming. Louis shakes his head when the girls speak and it’s unclear why.
In the bottom two, Miss Frank win some cool points singing an obscure-ish Madonna song. It’s not really a song to show off your voice as you’d expect from a Madonna song. They shove a rap in this song as a contingency plan but it’s all too late. The judges cannot agree on the evictee and Miss Frank are kicked out for having the fewest public votes. I am sad about this as I think Miss Frank have more potential post-show than Danyl and I also really wanted to see them sing En Vogue one week.
10. LLOYD – ‘Should I stay or should I go now?’
Lloyd should go. I am over him.
In his VT, we learn he was embarrassed to sing. I bet he was on the Basketball team and Vanessa Hudgens brought out his love of singing and he learned he could be in both groups and still have great hair. Lloyd’s sister has a funny accent a great deal more personality. Buble says Lloyd should enjoy himself when he sings. I suppose it’s unlikely we’ll enjoy it too whatever happens so that’s reasonable advice. Simon says Lloyd better not do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon.
Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon and it’s rubbish. He has no range, no flair, no tone. It’s uncomfortable to hear Lloyd’s thick monotone nudging against notes rather than hitting them. It’s also uncomfortable to watch Lloyd be that uncomfortable on stage. Lloyd does a backflip and it livens things up but is completely inappropriate. I know this song well, as we all do, but when sung by Lloyd you can’t even tell what the lyrics are. He’s so shit he’s not fit.
Louis says Big Band is not Lloyd’s thing. Oh, what is? He also says Lloyd should be in a boy band, presumably because there’ll be less singing that way. Simon tells him to be more confident. Dermot brats and tells the judges to give Lloyd a break. Simon quite reasonably retorts that the judges don’t have to be nicer and that Lloyd should just be better. In a way I’m looking forward to seeing his epic fail during Rock Week. But it’s so boring when he’s actually on stage fucking up. John & Edward got a lot of flack because it’s a singing competition and they can’t sing but Olly and Lloyd are pretty bad too. Only they have the "likability factor" and "the look" respectively. I know who I'd rather watch though. It's not a singing competition while Lloyd and Olly are still around. (And it'll be no fun when Grimes and Grimes are kicked off.)
Monday, 26 October 2009
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Bad news
My smash hit blog is suddenly getting fewer hits. Where once there were literally dozens of people searching for bizarre things on Google and getting me, now there are too few. I will correct this with the following:
"JLS shirtless pics"
"Oliver murs openly gay?"
"Dannii homofobe"
"Twins john edward awesome"
"Cheryl cries a-fuckin-gain"
"JLS shirtless pics"
"Oliver murs openly gay?"
"Dannii homofobe"
"Twins john edward awesome"
"Cheryl cries a-fuckin-gain"
Monday, 19 October 2009
Thex Factor – Diva Week – ‘A diva is a female version of a hustler, of a hustler, of a of a hustler’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is diva week
This theme makes more sense than musical heroes week but is still a bit wooly. Whitney Houston is the guest mentor and a lot of Whitney songs get covered so why they didn’t make it Whitney week is unclear. Also, all the VTs feature adorable baby pictures of the contestants, and ace video footage of when Joe was fat, which would have been better suited to ‘year you were born week,’ ‘contestants’ choice’ week’ or indeed ‘musical heroes week.’ Also I refuse to believe a diva week can have no Mariah. (Though, of course, Mariah week last year only featured two original solo Mariah songs so I can’t say I’m surprised. I think they is very ignorant.)
2. Whitney Houston and Cheryl Cole have no business judging anyone
During her masterclasses, Whitney sang her own songs constantly and gave mentally sound advice such as ‘open your mouth,’ ‘dance more’ and ‘stand.’ She also speaks like an am dram actress doing Blanche DuBois. Clive Davis attended also and is so orange he’s black. During her performance, she openly gives up on the lip syncing to play with her guitar. She’s also kind of an ass to Dermot during the interview and comes off as a really terrible role model. You just know she had any mention of Mariah Carey banned from this week’s shows. (Also, it’s quite an achievement that she made former mentor Celine Dion seem balanced and other former mentor Mariah Carey seem humble.)
By comparison, Cheryl chose bizarre songs for her boys, that only one could handle, and then wept several times when she realised how poorly she’d mentored them. Her performance was live but shocking as her voice trembled and was flat and harsh throughout. The dancing was okay but her movements were hesitant, nervous. She also wore the world’s biggest visor so we couldn’t see the fear in her eyes.
3. Miss Walsh wasn’t there
And I missed him greatly. It’s no fun when he’s not there telling people they can, can’t or should dance. Or telling Danyl he’s not likable.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Welcome to the house of fun’
John & Edward have just turned eighteen and on their VT they discuss both their love of brilliant boy band Five and Cheryl’s ‘you can’t sing – fact’ diss from last week. They say she’s wrong and are going to sing a very difficult Britney song to show this. There are no difficult Britney songs so I doubt they’ll show anything much but I admire their tenacity. They sassily paraphrase Cole and say they’ll prove they can sing. Fact.
And they prove nothing of the sort. Much like Eoghan last year, they’ve been forced to learn that Britney songs are “too big for them.” They are doing Oops! I Did It Again and at one point my laughs become so girlish and squealy, I start hiccupping. You must watch this on YouTube to see the rubber romper suits. The dance routine is jerky and wonderful. They are so uncoordinated and out of sync that you have to assume it’s on purpose. There are spacemen dancers wearing helmets. The vocals retain their low quality throughout but there is potential for the Grimeses if they’re autotuned to hell like the High School Musical lot. The good shit really comes when they tackle the ‘I thought the old lady dropped into the ocean at the end’ interlude. Which, when performed by two brothers, is just wrong and only adds to my ‘these boys were born for twin porn’ theory. Maybe they’d be better at that because the singing is not so much for them. They receive some undeserved boos and then Dannii says they’re bad singers very tactfully and wins back her title as the most sensible judge, which she lost during the ‘I bet you liked singing a girl’s song, fruitcake’ drama of last week. All three present judges praise this performance for its entertainment value, though Simon’s praise is far too reluctant and qualified. (He grew to love Chico, and mentored Eoghan and Same Difference, so I don’t get why he’s being so fussy about these two.)
When they sail through to next week, and Riccky is eliminated, Cheryl bitches about the unfairness of this and namechecks them. Because she’s a dick this week and every.
John & Edward could well be the worst vocalists to ever grace the top twelve but their performance is the only one I’d want to watch again online or show to people during a very modern gathering. For all the right reasons, I have to rank them first.
2. JOE – ‘Next day I’m a supergirl, out to save the world and it keeps gettin’ better’
Joe’s VT is about how last week was ‘the best night of me life’ and how he used to be fat. Or ‘podgy.’ I like him more now that he has a shameful past. The insincere grinning and dead eyes make more sense belonging to someone newly-thin. Whitney says his vocal was beautiful and he takes this as a compliment. I think there’s an air of ‘Dannii Moir’ about that compliment but maybe I’m less well-adjusted than Joe.
I barely know the song but it’s big and very catchy. Simon is caught on camera singing along and rocking back and forth in his chair. The accent has become less annoying and, to repeat a point, the tone is very Disney and American Tween commercial. This song is as cool as a racist accountant but it’s very well sung. The runs are impressive and don’t get in the way. All in all, well done Joe.
The girls are effusive and Simon rightly says it was note perfect. He also says Joe should raise his shoulders. And destroy his everyman charm, Simon? I smell sabotage.
3. STACEY – ‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match’
Stacey’s VT replays her performance last week and I suddenly realise how lispy it was. I must have had the beer goggles on. We learn Stacey sang Celine Dion at a wedding and used to have braces. And that she was anxious to meet Whitney because she worried ‘she looked like a tramp.’ Oh, lovely Stacey, when you’re meeting a crack ho, that’s fine. The VT also tries to make drama out of the fact Stacey doesn’t know her song ‘At Last’ and that she’ll forget her words. Everyone knows that song and Stacey is a pro so on these points I call undeniable bullshit.
Stacey sings very well with handy runs and glory notes. Her tone and inflections are gorgeous and it is a pleasure to listen to. On my notes, I wrote ‘relaxed’ and ‘effortless’ and ticked lots. However, I didn’t write ‘exciting.’ I can’t help but feel we’re still seeing Stacey at half mast. She needs a breakthrough performance sharpish or else this could be a year when a novelty act wins (and that I’m okay with that.)
4. OLLY – ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’
Olly’s VT gives us a horrible reminder of the thuggish fist pumping he did on last week’s results night. We are also instructed once again that he’s 25 and asked to believe this. I am 24 and I look years younger than this jughead. Olly is thrilled because Whitney is bobbing along during his masterclass performance. Oh, innocent Olly, she is drunk and/or trying to seem likable, so don’t read too much into it.
It’s clear that Olly has a very thin voice for such a fat head. But then he gets into his stride quickly. He’s redoing an obscure Tina Turner song as a big bang number with shimmying dancers. Which I have to say is an ingenious way of getting round the problem that this theme requires a bad male singer to cover a good female singer. He’s not straining at all and there aren’t the usual tics and flaws in his vocal. At one point the shimmying dancers clap in unison and it’s wonderful. He dances and sings without embarrassing himself, which is an improvement on usual and on Robbie last week. I’ve ranked my three previous least favourites in the top four this week and I have surprised myself. It is a very even playing field this year.
The audience roar and the judges love it. Simon gives Olly a standing o and then says he’s fallen in love with him. Simon then feels the need to qualify that he hasn’t actually fallen in love with Olly and that you’ve dropped your gay card and not him. Is Olly the new Leon?
5. JAMIE AFRO – ‘I’ve acted out my life on stages’
Dingy stages I hope. On his VT, Jamie sticks out his bottom lip and tells us that last week Louis said he wasn’t versatile. He found this “vewy hurtful.” Oh butch up bitch, at least he didn’t say you were innately dislikeable. From his baby pictures, we learn he used to have better hair and ergo that age does not equal wisdom. When your hair looked better when your Mum cut it for you, there is a problem there. There’s also a problem when you go all fangirl over Whitney and say she’s like your favourite female singer ever. I bet Jamie listens to One Moment In Time in the bath. Rawk!
Jamie’s performance stops off every poorly. He botches the lyrics twice in three lines and I just don’t like the tone of his voice. Much like the other presumed frontrunner Danyl, he only sounds good when he’s shouting. (This was the same for my favourite Beautiful, Spanish Ruth last year but at least she had the good sense to shout every word.) There is a tremor in his voice that makes him sound a little boy. Or like Louis’s just said something vewy vewy hurtyful. The song improves when it becomes a rock ballad but doing a rock ballad doesn’t exactly show his versatility.
The judges love it and I love the judges less as a result. There is nothing natural about the way Jamie sings. Simon says the girls could be more enthusiastic but they thought up nicer things to say than I ever could.
6. DANYL – ‘I’m your product, it’s vital you sell me’
Danyl’s VT relives some of the awesome comments from last week but sadly not the one where Dannii reminded him he’s a shirtlifter. Danyl informs us that he is confident but not cocky. Simon repeats this and Cheryl disagrees. He’s singing Whitney’s US single, which Simon rather tactlessly says ‘no one’s ever heard of.’ Whitney and Clive tell Danyl to stick to the melody and not trill and yell like a dickhead. Ha!
Danyl sings and there is no melody whatsoever but as I don’t know the song I don’t know whether this is Danyl’s fault. The song is so lyrically dense (yet still vapid) that Danyl almost has to rap to fit all the words in. Then a gospel choir appears to no avail. His tone is unpleasant and the big shouty glory note is not well-handled and feels out of place.
Dannii says it was flawless to avoid seeming like a bigot. Cheryl likes it and Simon loves it. Why?
7. MISS FRANK – ‘Standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells’
Miss Frank take a short walk from ‘gracious’ to ‘spineless’ when they take Simon’s insult from last week that two of them are bookends as a huge compliment. Their home videos don’t make them look like creepy stageschool kids and they’re nice about absent mentor Louis. They will win Miss Congeniality for sure but the big prize looks increasingly out of reach. I don’t think they’ll even be top group.
Their song, which again I’ve never heard before, starts roughly as the two bookends wail nervously. It’s very odd listening to them. It sounds exactly like they’ve just been crying or are about to cry. Graziella is so the best and the song and its wailing becomes pleasant only when she’s soloing. Then the harmonies kick in and it’s a horrible, if passionate, noise. There are bum notes aplenty.
Dannii gives them the good advice that they’ll perform better and gain confidence if they’re physically closer. Cheryl is full of praise for their attitude but Simon rightly notes the pitch problems. He has no time for excuses. Miss Frank are good sportswomen as always when they receive criticism. When told they lack originality, Graziella smiles with her eyes and nods as if she’s dreaming up a prog rock Leona cover with Spanish rapping.
8. RACHEL – ‘I’m the one cos I’m still here’
Rachel’s VT is all about her shocking and undeserved trip to the bottom two that was actually neither of those things. I saw it coming and she had it coming. She was ranked bottom last week for good reasons.
Simon is snooty about Dannii giving the unconfident Rachel a big diva song like Beyoncé’s to sing. It’s diva week, Simon. Stfu.
Whitney says Rachel will be excellent but Clive says the first line should be better. This is vaguely constructive advice and it becomes clear why Clive has been so successful. If you want to be a megastar also just make sure that the first line of whatever wank you sing is good.
The first line of Rachel’s performance is fine (thanks, Clive!) but after that it suffers. Her accent and phrasing is cool but the Sgt Pepper outfit and earthquake hair are not. She’s going for big notes and ignoring the content of the songs. She’s singing a song about a cuckolded woman as a cutesy, love song: bobbing her head, pointing and grinning. Even worse, she is so limited vocally that every big note she mindlessly goes for falls flat. There is no pay off here.
Cheryl says ‘you came out fighting,’ which does not equal ‘you came out and sang well.’ Simon says ‘he liked it’, which does not equal ‘he loved it’ and says he’s frustrated. Dannii says ‘you’ve arrived,’ which does not equal ‘you’re good.’
Rachel’s relegated to the bottom two again. Her performance of With or Without You is her best for ages and better than a lot of the Saturday night ones. Cold is the word to use about her though. When she speaks she seems cold and robotic. When she sings, she does the same basic moves (the yell, the point, the wink) completely irrespective of the song she’s doing. It makes her seem heartless and emotionally unaware and, of course, cold. No wonder the public don’t like her. Joe is creepy and Olly is useless but at least we understand those things. Rachel is a closed book that we wouldn’t want to read if we could anyway.
9. RICKI – ‘Go ricki, go ricki, go ricki’
Ricckiy’s VT covers many topics including his love of his hats, his mother’s love for him and Simon’s hatred of him. Whitney tells him to be better and recommends he knows what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t, Whitney. Also: that’s not advice. Yvie wins the night’s most cool points by saying Respect ‘has so many diva parts to it and that’s why it’s a good song, when it’s good.’ Ha!
The singing is not much better than John & Edward and about a millionth as funny. In fact, the singing is bizarre. The backing singers look great in ball gowns and Ricky looks almost not ugly without the hat but there’s nothing to love here. And that includes the scary-ass high note that comes at the end. Ricci smiles and thinks this is all going well.
Dannii Minogue compares Ricky to Will Young, to which I can only say: Ha! Simon praises Rickkky for his guts but not for his voice. Simon says the performance was uncomfortable and not great. Rik rolls his eyes and brattily talks back to Simon. His card is marked then and a day later Simon gets to eliminate him. After a limp Westlife cover and a whole lot of sulky face, that is.
10. LUCIE – ‘My, my, my, Delilah’
Lucie’s VT tries to repeat the ‘ooh I’ll have to sing and dance at the same time’ drama that Alex was stuck with last year. I also notice how much Lucie looks like a less whorish version of Katherine McPhee. Google it, it’s eerie.
She sings How Will I Know and descends from the sky in a plastic seat shaped like a bubble. Her voice is shrill and the arrangement is cheap. The whole affair is very annoying: she was told last week she wasn’t good enough to sing Leona so the response to this is to sing Whitney? Mindboggling. She yelps and sounds very much in pain. The dancing was fun but John & Edward set the bar for this much higher later in the episode.
Cheryl says she’s not connecting but can dance in heels. The good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad there. Simon reminds her she’s no Whitney and the song choice was stupid. He is however impressed that she’s trying to be younger. How’s that, you ask? Because da yoot love 80s Whitney.
11. LLOYD – ‘Why, why, why, Delilah’
It’s an all-Welsh bottom two on the rankings as Lloyd goes from having the worst vocal to just being the worst. In his VT he is fit and has a nice accent. There is no mention of how dreadful his vocals were last week, and Whitney is full of praise for his tone. This may be a ruse so what comes next comes as more of a surprise.
Yvie says Lloyd is nervous about his song and should be nervous. Ha! I bet Cheryl roughed up Yvie in a toilet once because she’s got no time for the nation’s sweetheart, her boys or her song choices this week.
Lloyd is doing Bleeding Love, using what I assume to be the Jesse McCartney arrangement. There’s a guitar. There’s also a distinct lack of the good singing or the cool production. It works for about two lines but then, again, the singer is far too cheery for what is a bleak song. And also, barely a singer.
Then the chorus kicks in, we lose the guitar, and the world’s cheapest backing track takes over. The tempo is off. The singing is off. He half-attempts some glory notes and fails: destroying our perception of him as a singer, destroying any chance of using subtlety as a get-out-plan.
I’m not saying Lloyd has to hit every note and wail banshee-like like on Leona’s original, but he can’t even sing the word ‘keep’ in the right key. And when the bulk of the song is the words ‘keep keep bleeding’ over and over, that’s a real problem.
Dannii says it was half-hearted and Simon says in his own words ‘be glad you fit, be sad you shit.’ He lambastes the vocal and the song choice and Cheryl’s mentoring. Cheryl starts crying because she knows she fucked this one up. All she has to do with someone like Lloyd until at least week five is have him look good and sound not terrible. She failed. Lloyd leaves the stage to hug her, and Simon pecks her on the cheek, but we can all see and hear that that performance was rubbish.
1. It is diva week
This theme makes more sense than musical heroes week but is still a bit wooly. Whitney Houston is the guest mentor and a lot of Whitney songs get covered so why they didn’t make it Whitney week is unclear. Also, all the VTs feature adorable baby pictures of the contestants, and ace video footage of when Joe was fat, which would have been better suited to ‘year you were born week,’ ‘contestants’ choice’ week’ or indeed ‘musical heroes week.’ Also I refuse to believe a diva week can have no Mariah. (Though, of course, Mariah week last year only featured two original solo Mariah songs so I can’t say I’m surprised. I think they is very ignorant.)
2. Whitney Houston and Cheryl Cole have no business judging anyone
During her masterclasses, Whitney sang her own songs constantly and gave mentally sound advice such as ‘open your mouth,’ ‘dance more’ and ‘stand.’ She also speaks like an am dram actress doing Blanche DuBois. Clive Davis attended also and is so orange he’s black. During her performance, she openly gives up on the lip syncing to play with her guitar. She’s also kind of an ass to Dermot during the interview and comes off as a really terrible role model. You just know she had any mention of Mariah Carey banned from this week’s shows. (Also, it’s quite an achievement that she made former mentor Celine Dion seem balanced and other former mentor Mariah Carey seem humble.)
By comparison, Cheryl chose bizarre songs for her boys, that only one could handle, and then wept several times when she realised how poorly she’d mentored them. Her performance was live but shocking as her voice trembled and was flat and harsh throughout. The dancing was okay but her movements were hesitant, nervous. She also wore the world’s biggest visor so we couldn’t see the fear in her eyes.
3. Miss Walsh wasn’t there
And I missed him greatly. It’s no fun when he’s not there telling people they can, can’t or should dance. Or telling Danyl he’s not likable.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Welcome to the house of fun’
John & Edward have just turned eighteen and on their VT they discuss both their love of brilliant boy band Five and Cheryl’s ‘you can’t sing – fact’ diss from last week. They say she’s wrong and are going to sing a very difficult Britney song to show this. There are no difficult Britney songs so I doubt they’ll show anything much but I admire their tenacity. They sassily paraphrase Cole and say they’ll prove they can sing. Fact.
And they prove nothing of the sort. Much like Eoghan last year, they’ve been forced to learn that Britney songs are “too big for them.” They are doing Oops! I Did It Again and at one point my laughs become so girlish and squealy, I start hiccupping. You must watch this on YouTube to see the rubber romper suits. The dance routine is jerky and wonderful. They are so uncoordinated and out of sync that you have to assume it’s on purpose. There are spacemen dancers wearing helmets. The vocals retain their low quality throughout but there is potential for the Grimeses if they’re autotuned to hell like the High School Musical lot. The good shit really comes when they tackle the ‘I thought the old lady dropped into the ocean at the end’ interlude. Which, when performed by two brothers, is just wrong and only adds to my ‘these boys were born for twin porn’ theory. Maybe they’d be better at that because the singing is not so much for them. They receive some undeserved boos and then Dannii says they’re bad singers very tactfully and wins back her title as the most sensible judge, which she lost during the ‘I bet you liked singing a girl’s song, fruitcake’ drama of last week. All three present judges praise this performance for its entertainment value, though Simon’s praise is far too reluctant and qualified. (He grew to love Chico, and mentored Eoghan and Same Difference, so I don’t get why he’s being so fussy about these two.)
When they sail through to next week, and Riccky is eliminated, Cheryl bitches about the unfairness of this and namechecks them. Because she’s a dick this week and every.
John & Edward could well be the worst vocalists to ever grace the top twelve but their performance is the only one I’d want to watch again online or show to people during a very modern gathering. For all the right reasons, I have to rank them first.
2. JOE – ‘Next day I’m a supergirl, out to save the world and it keeps gettin’ better’
Joe’s VT is about how last week was ‘the best night of me life’ and how he used to be fat. Or ‘podgy.’ I like him more now that he has a shameful past. The insincere grinning and dead eyes make more sense belonging to someone newly-thin. Whitney says his vocal was beautiful and he takes this as a compliment. I think there’s an air of ‘Dannii Moir’ about that compliment but maybe I’m less well-adjusted than Joe.
I barely know the song but it’s big and very catchy. Simon is caught on camera singing along and rocking back and forth in his chair. The accent has become less annoying and, to repeat a point, the tone is very Disney and American Tween commercial. This song is as cool as a racist accountant but it’s very well sung. The runs are impressive and don’t get in the way. All in all, well done Joe.
The girls are effusive and Simon rightly says it was note perfect. He also says Joe should raise his shoulders. And destroy his everyman charm, Simon? I smell sabotage.
3. STACEY – ‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match’
Stacey’s VT replays her performance last week and I suddenly realise how lispy it was. I must have had the beer goggles on. We learn Stacey sang Celine Dion at a wedding and used to have braces. And that she was anxious to meet Whitney because she worried ‘she looked like a tramp.’ Oh, lovely Stacey, when you’re meeting a crack ho, that’s fine. The VT also tries to make drama out of the fact Stacey doesn’t know her song ‘At Last’ and that she’ll forget her words. Everyone knows that song and Stacey is a pro so on these points I call undeniable bullshit.
Stacey sings very well with handy runs and glory notes. Her tone and inflections are gorgeous and it is a pleasure to listen to. On my notes, I wrote ‘relaxed’ and ‘effortless’ and ticked lots. However, I didn’t write ‘exciting.’ I can’t help but feel we’re still seeing Stacey at half mast. She needs a breakthrough performance sharpish or else this could be a year when a novelty act wins (and that I’m okay with that.)
4. OLLY – ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’
Olly’s VT gives us a horrible reminder of the thuggish fist pumping he did on last week’s results night. We are also instructed once again that he’s 25 and asked to believe this. I am 24 and I look years younger than this jughead. Olly is thrilled because Whitney is bobbing along during his masterclass performance. Oh, innocent Olly, she is drunk and/or trying to seem likable, so don’t read too much into it.
It’s clear that Olly has a very thin voice for such a fat head. But then he gets into his stride quickly. He’s redoing an obscure Tina Turner song as a big bang number with shimmying dancers. Which I have to say is an ingenious way of getting round the problem that this theme requires a bad male singer to cover a good female singer. He’s not straining at all and there aren’t the usual tics and flaws in his vocal. At one point the shimmying dancers clap in unison and it’s wonderful. He dances and sings without embarrassing himself, which is an improvement on usual and on Robbie last week. I’ve ranked my three previous least favourites in the top four this week and I have surprised myself. It is a very even playing field this year.
The audience roar and the judges love it. Simon gives Olly a standing o and then says he’s fallen in love with him. Simon then feels the need to qualify that he hasn’t actually fallen in love with Olly and that you’ve dropped your gay card and not him. Is Olly the new Leon?
5. JAMIE AFRO – ‘I’ve acted out my life on stages’
Dingy stages I hope. On his VT, Jamie sticks out his bottom lip and tells us that last week Louis said he wasn’t versatile. He found this “vewy hurtful.” Oh butch up bitch, at least he didn’t say you were innately dislikeable. From his baby pictures, we learn he used to have better hair and ergo that age does not equal wisdom. When your hair looked better when your Mum cut it for you, there is a problem there. There’s also a problem when you go all fangirl over Whitney and say she’s like your favourite female singer ever. I bet Jamie listens to One Moment In Time in the bath. Rawk!
Jamie’s performance stops off every poorly. He botches the lyrics twice in three lines and I just don’t like the tone of his voice. Much like the other presumed frontrunner Danyl, he only sounds good when he’s shouting. (This was the same for my favourite Beautiful, Spanish Ruth last year but at least she had the good sense to shout every word.) There is a tremor in his voice that makes him sound a little boy. Or like Louis’s just said something vewy vewy hurtyful. The song improves when it becomes a rock ballad but doing a rock ballad doesn’t exactly show his versatility.
The judges love it and I love the judges less as a result. There is nothing natural about the way Jamie sings. Simon says the girls could be more enthusiastic but they thought up nicer things to say than I ever could.
6. DANYL – ‘I’m your product, it’s vital you sell me’
Danyl’s VT relives some of the awesome comments from last week but sadly not the one where Dannii reminded him he’s a shirtlifter. Danyl informs us that he is confident but not cocky. Simon repeats this and Cheryl disagrees. He’s singing Whitney’s US single, which Simon rather tactlessly says ‘no one’s ever heard of.’ Whitney and Clive tell Danyl to stick to the melody and not trill and yell like a dickhead. Ha!
Danyl sings and there is no melody whatsoever but as I don’t know the song I don’t know whether this is Danyl’s fault. The song is so lyrically dense (yet still vapid) that Danyl almost has to rap to fit all the words in. Then a gospel choir appears to no avail. His tone is unpleasant and the big shouty glory note is not well-handled and feels out of place.
Dannii says it was flawless to avoid seeming like a bigot. Cheryl likes it and Simon loves it. Why?
7. MISS FRANK – ‘Standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells’
Miss Frank take a short walk from ‘gracious’ to ‘spineless’ when they take Simon’s insult from last week that two of them are bookends as a huge compliment. Their home videos don’t make them look like creepy stageschool kids and they’re nice about absent mentor Louis. They will win Miss Congeniality for sure but the big prize looks increasingly out of reach. I don’t think they’ll even be top group.
Their song, which again I’ve never heard before, starts roughly as the two bookends wail nervously. It’s very odd listening to them. It sounds exactly like they’ve just been crying or are about to cry. Graziella is so the best and the song and its wailing becomes pleasant only when she’s soloing. Then the harmonies kick in and it’s a horrible, if passionate, noise. There are bum notes aplenty.
Dannii gives them the good advice that they’ll perform better and gain confidence if they’re physically closer. Cheryl is full of praise for their attitude but Simon rightly notes the pitch problems. He has no time for excuses. Miss Frank are good sportswomen as always when they receive criticism. When told they lack originality, Graziella smiles with her eyes and nods as if she’s dreaming up a prog rock Leona cover with Spanish rapping.
8. RACHEL – ‘I’m the one cos I’m still here’
Rachel’s VT is all about her shocking and undeserved trip to the bottom two that was actually neither of those things. I saw it coming and she had it coming. She was ranked bottom last week for good reasons.
Simon is snooty about Dannii giving the unconfident Rachel a big diva song like Beyoncé’s to sing. It’s diva week, Simon. Stfu.
Whitney says Rachel will be excellent but Clive says the first line should be better. This is vaguely constructive advice and it becomes clear why Clive has been so successful. If you want to be a megastar also just make sure that the first line of whatever wank you sing is good.
The first line of Rachel’s performance is fine (thanks, Clive!) but after that it suffers. Her accent and phrasing is cool but the Sgt Pepper outfit and earthquake hair are not. She’s going for big notes and ignoring the content of the songs. She’s singing a song about a cuckolded woman as a cutesy, love song: bobbing her head, pointing and grinning. Even worse, she is so limited vocally that every big note she mindlessly goes for falls flat. There is no pay off here.
Cheryl says ‘you came out fighting,’ which does not equal ‘you came out and sang well.’ Simon says ‘he liked it’, which does not equal ‘he loved it’ and says he’s frustrated. Dannii says ‘you’ve arrived,’ which does not equal ‘you’re good.’
Rachel’s relegated to the bottom two again. Her performance of With or Without You is her best for ages and better than a lot of the Saturday night ones. Cold is the word to use about her though. When she speaks she seems cold and robotic. When she sings, she does the same basic moves (the yell, the point, the wink) completely irrespective of the song she’s doing. It makes her seem heartless and emotionally unaware and, of course, cold. No wonder the public don’t like her. Joe is creepy and Olly is useless but at least we understand those things. Rachel is a closed book that we wouldn’t want to read if we could anyway.
9. RICKI – ‘Go ricki, go ricki, go ricki’
Ricckiy’s VT covers many topics including his love of his hats, his mother’s love for him and Simon’s hatred of him. Whitney tells him to be better and recommends he knows what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t, Whitney. Also: that’s not advice. Yvie wins the night’s most cool points by saying Respect ‘has so many diva parts to it and that’s why it’s a good song, when it’s good.’ Ha!
The singing is not much better than John & Edward and about a millionth as funny. In fact, the singing is bizarre. The backing singers look great in ball gowns and Ricky looks almost not ugly without the hat but there’s nothing to love here. And that includes the scary-ass high note that comes at the end. Ricci smiles and thinks this is all going well.
Dannii Minogue compares Ricky to Will Young, to which I can only say: Ha! Simon praises Rickkky for his guts but not for his voice. Simon says the performance was uncomfortable and not great. Rik rolls his eyes and brattily talks back to Simon. His card is marked then and a day later Simon gets to eliminate him. After a limp Westlife cover and a whole lot of sulky face, that is.
10. LUCIE – ‘My, my, my, Delilah’
Lucie’s VT tries to repeat the ‘ooh I’ll have to sing and dance at the same time’ drama that Alex was stuck with last year. I also notice how much Lucie looks like a less whorish version of Katherine McPhee. Google it, it’s eerie.
She sings How Will I Know and descends from the sky in a plastic seat shaped like a bubble. Her voice is shrill and the arrangement is cheap. The whole affair is very annoying: she was told last week she wasn’t good enough to sing Leona so the response to this is to sing Whitney? Mindboggling. She yelps and sounds very much in pain. The dancing was fun but John & Edward set the bar for this much higher later in the episode.
Cheryl says she’s not connecting but can dance in heels. The good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad there. Simon reminds her she’s no Whitney and the song choice was stupid. He is however impressed that she’s trying to be younger. How’s that, you ask? Because da yoot love 80s Whitney.
11. LLOYD – ‘Why, why, why, Delilah’
It’s an all-Welsh bottom two on the rankings as Lloyd goes from having the worst vocal to just being the worst. In his VT he is fit and has a nice accent. There is no mention of how dreadful his vocals were last week, and Whitney is full of praise for his tone. This may be a ruse so what comes next comes as more of a surprise.
Yvie says Lloyd is nervous about his song and should be nervous. Ha! I bet Cheryl roughed up Yvie in a toilet once because she’s got no time for the nation’s sweetheart, her boys or her song choices this week.
Lloyd is doing Bleeding Love, using what I assume to be the Jesse McCartney arrangement. There’s a guitar. There’s also a distinct lack of the good singing or the cool production. It works for about two lines but then, again, the singer is far too cheery for what is a bleak song. And also, barely a singer.
Then the chorus kicks in, we lose the guitar, and the world’s cheapest backing track takes over. The tempo is off. The singing is off. He half-attempts some glory notes and fails: destroying our perception of him as a singer, destroying any chance of using subtlety as a get-out-plan.
I’m not saying Lloyd has to hit every note and wail banshee-like like on Leona’s original, but he can’t even sing the word ‘keep’ in the right key. And when the bulk of the song is the words ‘keep keep bleeding’ over and over, that’s a real problem.
Dannii says it was half-hearted and Simon says in his own words ‘be glad you fit, be sad you shit.’ He lambastes the vocal and the song choice and Cheryl’s mentoring. Cheryl starts crying because she knows she fucked this one up. All she has to do with someone like Lloyd until at least week five is have him look good and sound not terrible. She failed. Lloyd leaves the stage to hug her, and Simon pecks her on the cheek, but we can all see and hear that that performance was rubbish.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Thex Factor – Live Shows 1 – ‘And through it all, she offers me protection’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. We have judges and they have contestants
Louis Walsh looks after the groups and wants to fuck two of their number but no more. Simon Cowell looks after the oldies: all pretty annoying, pretty past it and pretty much not pretty enough to be popstars. Cheryl Cole looks after three big butch men and Dannii Minogue looks after three good girls who could probably drink Cheryl’s boys under the table. This week, Louis was calm, Cheryl and Simon bickered and Dannii was rude to sluts and queers. Who knew she was so conservative?
2. There is a guest columnist this week
This week's guest columnist is called Matt who you may remember from last year. I love when I can get all "Previously on Thex Factor..." I feel like I have my own TV show not just a blog about one! And there will be guest columnists future weeks. Please e-mail, facebook or leave a comment if you would like to "get involved."
3. It was “musical heroes” week
Except most of the contestants did Robbie Williams songs. And the contestants didn’t pick their own songs, or we assume nominate their own musical heroes, as I doubt Robert Palmer features too highly on Kandy Rain’s list of inspirations. I smell foul play here – perhaps there were some clearance issues with Robbie’s songs because it was clearly Robbie Williams week with some extra songs. Robbie gave little constructive advice and looked uncomfortable throughout. At least Gary Barlow told people off last year. When Robbie performed his new single, he was dreadful. In terms of song choice (or perhaps just song) and vocal, he was worse than any of the top 12. His dancing is of the standard of an Olly Murs lookalike at a bar mitzvah. He also kept interrupting his song to talk to the audience or the judges. If he was auditioning, Simon would say Robbie has picked up ‘some bad habits.’
[I missed most of Robbie’s performance on account of NOTHING HAPPENING in the first half hour on Sunday . What little I did see was bizarre. In the interests of keeping things libel-free, my only observation is that he did a very good impression of a man on crack - Matt]
4. And the Lord God said on the FIRST week, a woman born of man will be eliminated
It happens every year. Someone with a vagina goes home first. Even season three’s first eliminees, The Unconventionals, had at least one member without a member.
[Oh there was at least one cunt involved in The Unconventionals. - Matt]
5. The eliminations now happen on a Sunday
And I’m not too bothered about this change. Now the single best show I’ve ever seen (sorry, Simon) is on two nights a week! A boring, back-to-work Sunday was livened up by Alexandra whoring around with Flo Rida. And by a weird eulogy to Stephen Gately which was very weirdly followed up by a group number about how the top 12 were going to a cool party. Perhaps the cool party is the wake or perhaps the editing is quite insensitive. Robbie sang and was gash, Dannii apologised for being a bigot (more on that later) and Simon stood up for her. Then there was the usual ‘the next act who’ll sing again next week is…’ business. It was a good hour.
On with the rankings….
1. STACEY – ‘The best is yet to come and babe won’t it be fine?’
Stacey can be disappointing and still rank first. Why is this? How is this possible? And it’s not just because this was a night where no one was dreadful and no one was great. It’s more than that and I’ll tell you using some homosexual trivia: do you remember that stupid bit in Sex and the City where Aidan had made some furniture and tells us about how wood is more beautiful because it’s flawed. Well, the same is true of Stacey. She is awesome as oak and her imperfect wailing is more beautiful than the technically accurate cruiseship squeaks of Danyl and Lucie.
Her VT is charming as she giggles and gasps and omgs in Robbie Williams’s wishes-he-was-drunk presence. Dannii Minogue says she’s fallen in love with Stacey, which would explain why Dannii suddenly has dyke biker hair. I have fallen in love with Stacey too but it hasn’t affected my hairdo one bit. My hair, like Stacey’s, has never looked better.
Stacey sings a boring Coldplay song. (I know that sounds like a tautology but I think Coldplay have two or three not-boring songs and just as many less-boring songs) The performance is unsurprisingly a little boring and a little whiney but that’s only because it’s a whiney, boring song. Trouble would’ve been better. The Scientist is a dirge. Stacey sings with a pleasant tone and there are some flourishes. I know I don’t sound full of praise but this is the only song from this evening that I’d listen to a studio version of.
The judges say Stacey is lovely, that the performance was good and Simon says she’s better in a lower key. All these things are true.
[In many ways, this was the most disappointing performance of the night. One of the few decent singers had to work with a boring song by a boring band in a shoddy arrangement. There wasn’t much she could do with it. Mind you, she is fun in a let’s-laugh-at-the-blonde-Jew-girl kinda way - Matt]
2. DANYL – ‘Have some of column A, try all of column B’
Big bender Danyl’s VT focused on how Simon has picked a ridiculous song for him, which really is for a woman, and how it was a big risk. I was expecting a big anticlimax like he’d do Without You but I was wrong.
He’s singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going and begins with steely bedroom eyes. I laughed audibly and took a good thirty seconds to compose myself. I lold and rofld. It made Danyl look like a big drag queen and I can’t help but feel this song was done much better by that fat woman at Boot Camp. (What was her name? Her father was dead, yes? It feels easier to just forget her now.) [No idea about the name, but I liked her. She looked like she was having a fit during that performance. – Matt] The glory notes were good and the audience go batshit crazy but I know this was not the big “moment” that Simon wanted.
The judges’ comments were far more interesting. Louis says Danyl lacks likability which is true and also: Ha! Cheryl says he’s overconfident and hasn’t won yet. Danyl must be a dick backstage because the judges were pretty nice to everyone else, especially in terms of personality. Simon says it was one of the greatest performances he’d ever heard. Or, second best on an iffy night but we all rank differently. Dannii then makes some rubbish joke about how it’s not a stretch for Danyl to sing a girl’s song because we’ve read in the papers that he’s a massive fruit. Danyl says ‘I’m not ashamed’ and The X Factor becomes very briefly an 80s issues drama until Dermot comes on stage and the whole business is forgotten. I suppose after years of Louis and Simon telling each other on our screens ‘You’ve dropped your gay card,’ and the other replying ‘Nah, it’s yours’, this was bound to happen.
[The sad thing was, that was by far the most interesting moment of the show. A bad weekend for the gays between that and Stephen Gately. – Matt]
3. LUCIE – ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say no’
Did you know Lucie is a girl from a small town in Wales? I think this has been mentioned before but only in passing. They haven’t made a big deal about it so it would be easy to forget. Lucie is singing Leona because either she or Dannii cannot think of a subtler way to copy this show’s most successful contestant. Also, Simon has a writing credit on it so he’ll have to be nice about the performance.
Lucie’s performance is full of buts. It’s fine but it’s not great. It’s well sung but the big notes escape her. It’s probably the cleanest vocal of the night to but the most interesting thing about the performance is that the wind machine keeps blowing her hair into her mouth. Meh.
Simon says that Leona is all about hitting the notes, which is faint praise I think, and that Lucie’s not as good. Louis quite rightly says that Leona took a few weeks to hit her stride and Simon says “err you were watching a different show then” which is almost as toolish as “you’ve dropped your gay card.”
[She’s quite good, but I don’t think she’s a popstar, as Louis might say. I’d rather have seen Stacey S Club 8 go through to the finals. Not that she can sing particularly well, but, if I can bring back a much missed phrase from chavvy contestants a few years ago, she could have been the next X Factor. Lucie I can see going out midway through the series and being forgotten – Matt]
4. MISS FRANK – ‘I need me some ghetto romance’
I have so much time for Miss Frank. Personality-wise, they are approaching Stacey’s level of awesomeness.
Their VT reminds us that they were forced together during bootcamp but instead of whinging they say it’s nice to have someone else to support you during the stress. They tell us they like their jobs but they’d rather be singers. See, these are normal people. There’s no “it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and that my dead Dad wanted for me.” Miss Frank have goals and perspective. Robbie Williams gives them the ‘advice’ that they need to make us forget they were recently manufactured. Which would work if we hadn’t seen them being manufactured on TV a few weeks ago and if we weren’t reminded of this by the editors every time they’re on screen.
For a wonderful second I think they’re doing En Vogue but sadly they’re doing the Michael Jackson song that En Vogue sampled. It’s a dull song that’s been trotted out at least three times this year on Simon Cowell-fronted shows. It’s a bit shrill and muted too. If this performance was homework, I’d write ‘can do better. See me.’ I was however thrilled to learn that Graziella gets roars from the audience when she starts singing.
The judges are positive. Cheryl says they’re her favourite group but she thinks the twins are dicks and Kandy Rain are tramps so that’s not saying much. Simon says it was good but refers to two of the group as “bookends” and makes a point of saying he doesn’t know their names. It’s cruel and unnecessary and the girl looks defeated after. I think the bookends are ace.
[I don't know why Simon would admit to not knowing their names...he didn't know Olly's age either - Olly, HIS OWN CONTESTANT! - Matt]
[It might not be Simon's fault. Olly looks like he's been 25 for a long, long while - Thex]
5. JOE – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
On his VT, Joe says he lives in the top floor flat of a terrace. I don’t know why he thinks he’s on The Home Show. What are the floors like, Joe? Are you going to spruce the place up with some gorgeous fabric?
He sings my favourite Robbie song (No Regrets) and it’s not that bad. I’m as surprised as you that I’ve put this grinning moron in the top 5 of my rankings. The vocal is ok and he’s not thrown off by the horribly out-of-tune backing singer. His accent still annoys me though: ‘togeth-oh’ was the one that made me scratch skin off my arms. He doesn’t have the angst in his voice for the song’s content either. Maybe he thinks the song is about having No Regrets about anything ever because life is made up of naps, ice cream and puppies? Maybe he can’t understand Robbie Williams’s subtle sarcastic nuance? Either way, I’m not as angry about this performance as I thought I would be and I am willing to give Joe another shot. I still didn’t enjoy it though. Let’s get that much clear.
[Joe would be perfect as the 4th most important member of a boy band who can sing a bit, but he just doesn’t have the charisma to be a solo artist. That way I wouldn't have to look at his face every week for the next two months. I really hope Lloyd steals his target audience. - Matt]
6. JAMIE AFRO – ‘Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar’
Jamie’s VT is about how old and past it he is. This is ‘his last shot.’ Jamie is 34 and The X Factor makes out he’s almost dead. Possibly so they don’t have to admit he has many more years of failure to look forward to. Robbie says Jamie is a better singer than him, which is entirely true and entirely irrelevant. Robbie’s excellent advice is to be less boring at the beginning of songs and instead to ‘grab ‘em and keep ‘em there.’
Jamie takes this advice on board and bleats through a T Rex track. He looks desperate and lost. And I mean literally lost. He wanders around the stage with dead eyes as if he’s lost his glasses and can’t find the right platform for his train. There is a good end note though and then a silly fireworks display because his mentor Simon does not believe in playing fair.
Dannii says ‘go the fro’ and calls Louis ‘Miss Walsh’ because she’s clearly in no control of the words leaving her mouth tonight. Simon says Jamie is in a different league to the others. I don’t get it.
[Is this what Tabby was like in X Factor 1? Being 'rock' on this show is ill advised. Louis pretending to be a ma-hussive T Rex fan was hilarious though. Jamie confuses me, I would like someone to confirm his ethnicity, so we know where we stand, so to speak. - Matt]
[You should ask on a forum. I bet you'll get a lot of eye-roll emoticons - Thex]
7. RICCKY – ‘Girls who wants boys who dig girls like they’re boys’
On his VT, he says he wants audiences who’ll appreciate him more than the old men who go to old men’s pubs. He also needs to connect with the audience (which might be achieved if he was a better singer) and cry less.
I know there was a lot of chitter chatter about Danyl singing a girl’s song but at least someone thought through the song lyric changes. Ricciky’s cover was bizarre.
He sings Winehouse and changes the lyric ‘kept his dick wet’ to ‘kept her er et.’ He also vows to get on without his guy. This is not the only reason why him covering Winehouse didn’t work. He is far too bouncy – both visually and vocally – for such a bleak song. The glory notes are half-hearted too. It’s all a bit limp and if you’re doing Winehouse, you have to commit. Hope turned this track into a Phil Spector girl band wall-of-sound thing a few years ago and that was brilliant so it’s not a matter of some songs or artists being out of bounds. It’s just a matter of Ricckiy being poor.
[He doesn't connect at all. My money is on him to go next week. - Matt]
8. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I can’t live if living is without you’
John and Edward tell us they are from a small town in Ireland called Dublin. Robbie Williams says they’re endearing and charming. I’m not sure which of these sentences is faker. Their VT focuses on the ‘hurtful things’ being written about them and how rubbish they are. Note, these things are ‘hurtful’ but no one is claming they are untrue.
I was really hoping they’d do Rudebox but their choice of Rock DJ is just as funny. The song doesn’t give one the opportunity to show off vocally. In addition, it’s barely a song. It’s a bizarre choice but it does remind me of summer holidays before I could drink though so I’m not mad at it. The choreography is ridiculous and they wear contrasting suits. One twin is more attractive than the other. I barely notice the singing but it is clear that Rock DJ is too big for them. When you can’t whiteman rap the verses of Rock DJ in tune, there are problems here that cannot be fixed quickly. That said, at least it was funny.
The audience boo them before and after to which I say: Ha! Dannii Minogue says they’re bad singers and Cheryl Cole says they’re brave for coming on stage despite the criticism. She adds ‘you can’t sing – fact’ but kindly says it’s not their fault they’re still on the show. I loathe passive aggressive women. Simon says they’re only here because they’re Irish which is unfair. They’re only here because Louis wants one twin in each hole. One twin grins, the other twin realises how much they’re hated and looks sad.
[John and Edward serve a real purpose on the show at this stage. Sure, they’re dangerously underqualified to be here, but with the show stretching over two hours we need some kind of break from the competition proper. They’ll stay until the Top 6 maybe, when only the real talent is left. Their ‘Rock DJ’ was the liveliest moment of the show, even if they did both run out of breath in the second verse. Good song choice though – cover the lack of talent with a spoken verse, and then double up on the vocals for the chorus. Their contribution to the group song on Sunday was the best of all the contestants, FACT! - Matt]
9. OLLY – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
What is the matter with this show? Or with me? Why are “hot str8 blojob twins”, Joe the future headliner of Guys and Dolls at Croydon Rec Centre and Olly Murs ranked so high?
Olly clearly didn’t get the memo it wasn’t Robbie week anymore as in his VT we learn he’s singing a Robbie song. Even though Olly, Simon and other people think this is a bad idea. He’s singing boring Robbie too, not funny Robbie or good Robbie. He’s nervous too, we learn, which shows at least some self-awareness. He should be nervous. He’s bad.
Watching it makes me nervous, even though it’s an easy song. The falsetto is ok and then it’s not. Bits are girly and weak; bits are better than expected. He crouches and dances during a ballad. He does RnB inflections and splits his vowels. Watching him is like watching a tight rope performer who you really want to fall off because he slept with your wife or is just a tool. He never quite falls to my chagrin and his credit.
[In this analogy, Olly's tightrope would only be a metre off the floor. - Matt]
Louis Walsh calls him the boy next door. I don’t even think this is code for average. I think Louis is being sincere. The girls says Olly’s nice and should have lots of friends. Simon says he’s charming but not the best singer. Half-right there. [I honestly think he's the worst. And far from being nice, I get this sly, creepy vibe from him, like he might slip something in your drink if you're an Essex girl in a tacky nightclub - Matt]
10. LLOYD – ‘You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it’
Lloyd would rank twelfth if he was ugly. He would rank first if he could sing like Danyl or, if I’m being very honest, Joe.
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he lives in a three-bedroom terrace house. Why are they so into property details this week. How many bathrooms are there, Lloyd? Is the loft insulated? Brian Friedman says rehearsals with Lloyd were a disaster. Because they didn’t end in a blowy? It can’t be like that after every rehearsal, Brian.
Lloyd takes on Justin Timberlake for no good reason. The arrangement of Cry Me A River is fucking cool. It starts off with an acoustic guitar and then breaks into the shuffly Timbaland backing. It’s just a shame that the vocals are so, so bad. He is flat and nervous. He mimes a phone during the ‘call me on the phone’ like he’s not singing on my favourite show and is instead on a lads’ night out at a mucky club. He barely sings the chorus and at one terrifying point hoots like an owl.
The judges go easy on him. Simon says it was ‘stiff at times.’ No one mentions the poor quality of the singing.
[I read somewhere that Lloyd “looks like someone put all of McFly into a blender”. I’m all for that idea but his voice is probably a year or two away from where it should be. There are nice moments but as Alicia Silverstone might say, it’s only sporadically. Mind you, he did almost make me like that Jason Mraz song at judges homes. In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an admittedly unlikely Tom Jones week, it’d be fun to see him do Delilah. - Matt]
11. KANDY RAIN – ‘You’re calling her a hooker? Let he without sin cast the first stone’
Louis Walsh tells us Kandy Rain are here for all the boys. Not boys like him, other boys. On their VT we learn Kandy Rain have real jobs now but used to be strippers. Simon helpfully says it doesn’t matter they used to be strippers but it matters that they’re bad singers. Robbie Williams says they’re ace and dances. I’m going to stop saying ace now. I’m going to say mint instead. There is sobbing on the VT because they were shit during sound check. They’re such cannon fodder and it’s a shame as they showed promise in Italy last week.
They’re doing Robert Palmer because Robert Palmer is undoubtedly their musical hero and should be yours too. They’re doing the famous Robert Palmer song, not the one I like about having a bad case of lovin’ you. ‘Doctor, Doctor.’ That one. The good one. They look like big whores. One has horns made out of hair.
[I thought it was meant to be like a Playboy bunny? Who knows.. - Matt]
They are wearing black leather and fishnets. One has a terrifying thin face, like a cavewoman being stabbed. The backing vocal is loud but conceals nothing. It’s not the worst but the song choice is not current or relevant or hip.
Dannii saucily puns ‘Kandy, reign it in’ and tells them to dress less like strippers if they want us to forget they’re strippers. Fair point. Cheryl agrees and Simon does not. Louis says they look good and nothing else, which completely proves the girls’ point that the group aren’t being taken seriously as singers dressed like that. The controversy, and the potential pity votes, was the only thing that could keep them from the bottom two. It could not.
[Maybe Kandy Rain dressing like strippers is the fashion equivalent of when Jay Z said: “Niggaz actin' like I sold you crack / Like I told you sell drugs...no...
Hove did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.” - Matt]
They sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera in the bottom two and it is rotten. Their faces are more terrifying than ever. The singing is just as bad. They are wearing the same horrid outfits, with hair for horns, and the vaguely pretty one has given up singing altogether.
Simon says they’ve not been given a fair shot and votes to keep them in. I half-agree with this: the odds were stacked against them but if they’d performed well and dressed better they’d have been fine. The jury is hung and so Miss Frank are eliminated because they got fewer votes than Rachel. Perhaps four to her seven?
12. RACHEL – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
How the mighty have fallen. Rachel ranked second last week as I’d been very impressed with her later auditions. I didn’t see her as a winner though. This show is not as accepting of the diva as those Alexandra and Leona wins would make you think. Just remember, Journey South beat Brenda, Eoghan beat Beautiful, Spanish Ruth, Chico beat Maria and Ray Quinn beat almost everyone his year.
Her VT is a formality and her cover of Let Me Entertain You is a failure from the start. Her mic is not working, or she’s lipsynching, because every line has a strange, uncertain echo. She’s doing a karaoke song which has been rearranged slightly: not in a way that makes it more interesting, just in a way that makes it slightly less familiar and ergo even more confusing and unpalatable. The vocals are harsh and she woo hoos for no good or Christian reason.
The judges are full of praise. Louis likes that she can dance. Simon enjoyed it but also calls her Miss Nobody and says her make up’s shit. I don’t know why the judges aren’t as disappointed as I am. Watching this, as the first performance of the night and the worst performance of the night, I thought bottom two for certain. I was perhaps the only one who called it as her betting odds were good and the judges were surprised to see her in the bottom two.
She sang ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink in the bottom two, which she’d sung last week for Dannii. A repeat this early is a bad, bad sign. She is clearly upset and her voice cracks and she misses lots of lyrics trying not to cry. It’s clear that she’s a better singer than many but she performed badly twice this weekend. When Joe outsings you, you and your voice, you got issues.
[Rachel got everything wrong Saturday. I was worried about her before the results show. Granted, it’s not her fault she was on first on Saturday, but the song didn’t fit at all, and I’ll be frank about this, she needs to wear something more revealing. Or at least a top that doesn’t make me imagine an ice dancer from the early ‘80s. - Matt]
1. We have judges and they have contestants
Louis Walsh looks after the groups and wants to fuck two of their number but no more. Simon Cowell looks after the oldies: all pretty annoying, pretty past it and pretty much not pretty enough to be popstars. Cheryl Cole looks after three big butch men and Dannii Minogue looks after three good girls who could probably drink Cheryl’s boys under the table. This week, Louis was calm, Cheryl and Simon bickered and Dannii was rude to sluts and queers. Who knew she was so conservative?
2. There is a guest columnist this week
This week's guest columnist is called Matt who you may remember from last year. I love when I can get all "Previously on Thex Factor..." I feel like I have my own TV show not just a blog about one! And there will be guest columnists future weeks. Please e-mail, facebook or leave a comment if you would like to "get involved."
3. It was “musical heroes” week
Except most of the contestants did Robbie Williams songs. And the contestants didn’t pick their own songs, or we assume nominate their own musical heroes, as I doubt Robert Palmer features too highly on Kandy Rain’s list of inspirations. I smell foul play here – perhaps there were some clearance issues with Robbie’s songs because it was clearly Robbie Williams week with some extra songs. Robbie gave little constructive advice and looked uncomfortable throughout. At least Gary Barlow told people off last year. When Robbie performed his new single, he was dreadful. In terms of song choice (or perhaps just song) and vocal, he was worse than any of the top 12. His dancing is of the standard of an Olly Murs lookalike at a bar mitzvah. He also kept interrupting his song to talk to the audience or the judges. If he was auditioning, Simon would say Robbie has picked up ‘some bad habits.’
[I missed most of Robbie’s performance on account of NOTHING HAPPENING in the first half hour on Sunday . What little I did see was bizarre. In the interests of keeping things libel-free, my only observation is that he did a very good impression of a man on crack - Matt]
4. And the Lord God said on the FIRST week, a woman born of man will be eliminated
It happens every year. Someone with a vagina goes home first. Even season three’s first eliminees, The Unconventionals, had at least one member without a member.
[Oh there was at least one cunt involved in The Unconventionals. - Matt]
5. The eliminations now happen on a Sunday
And I’m not too bothered about this change. Now the single best show I’ve ever seen (sorry, Simon) is on two nights a week! A boring, back-to-work Sunday was livened up by Alexandra whoring around with Flo Rida. And by a weird eulogy to Stephen Gately which was very weirdly followed up by a group number about how the top 12 were going to a cool party. Perhaps the cool party is the wake or perhaps the editing is quite insensitive. Robbie sang and was gash, Dannii apologised for being a bigot (more on that later) and Simon stood up for her. Then there was the usual ‘the next act who’ll sing again next week is…’ business. It was a good hour.
On with the rankings….
1. STACEY – ‘The best is yet to come and babe won’t it be fine?’
Stacey can be disappointing and still rank first. Why is this? How is this possible? And it’s not just because this was a night where no one was dreadful and no one was great. It’s more than that and I’ll tell you using some homosexual trivia: do you remember that stupid bit in Sex and the City where Aidan had made some furniture and tells us about how wood is more beautiful because it’s flawed. Well, the same is true of Stacey. She is awesome as oak and her imperfect wailing is more beautiful than the technically accurate cruiseship squeaks of Danyl and Lucie.
Her VT is charming as she giggles and gasps and omgs in Robbie Williams’s wishes-he-was-drunk presence. Dannii Minogue says she’s fallen in love with Stacey, which would explain why Dannii suddenly has dyke biker hair. I have fallen in love with Stacey too but it hasn’t affected my hairdo one bit. My hair, like Stacey’s, has never looked better.
Stacey sings a boring Coldplay song. (I know that sounds like a tautology but I think Coldplay have two or three not-boring songs and just as many less-boring songs) The performance is unsurprisingly a little boring and a little whiney but that’s only because it’s a whiney, boring song. Trouble would’ve been better. The Scientist is a dirge. Stacey sings with a pleasant tone and there are some flourishes. I know I don’t sound full of praise but this is the only song from this evening that I’d listen to a studio version of.
The judges say Stacey is lovely, that the performance was good and Simon says she’s better in a lower key. All these things are true.
[In many ways, this was the most disappointing performance of the night. One of the few decent singers had to work with a boring song by a boring band in a shoddy arrangement. There wasn’t much she could do with it. Mind you, she is fun in a let’s-laugh-at-the-blonde-Jew-girl kinda way - Matt]
2. DANYL – ‘Have some of column A, try all of column B’
Big bender Danyl’s VT focused on how Simon has picked a ridiculous song for him, which really is for a woman, and how it was a big risk. I was expecting a big anticlimax like he’d do Without You but I was wrong.
He’s singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going and begins with steely bedroom eyes. I laughed audibly and took a good thirty seconds to compose myself. I lold and rofld. It made Danyl look like a big drag queen and I can’t help but feel this song was done much better by that fat woman at Boot Camp. (What was her name? Her father was dead, yes? It feels easier to just forget her now.) [No idea about the name, but I liked her. She looked like she was having a fit during that performance. – Matt] The glory notes were good and the audience go batshit crazy but I know this was not the big “moment” that Simon wanted.
The judges’ comments were far more interesting. Louis says Danyl lacks likability which is true and also: Ha! Cheryl says he’s overconfident and hasn’t won yet. Danyl must be a dick backstage because the judges were pretty nice to everyone else, especially in terms of personality. Simon says it was one of the greatest performances he’d ever heard. Or, second best on an iffy night but we all rank differently. Dannii then makes some rubbish joke about how it’s not a stretch for Danyl to sing a girl’s song because we’ve read in the papers that he’s a massive fruit. Danyl says ‘I’m not ashamed’ and The X Factor becomes very briefly an 80s issues drama until Dermot comes on stage and the whole business is forgotten. I suppose after years of Louis and Simon telling each other on our screens ‘You’ve dropped your gay card,’ and the other replying ‘Nah, it’s yours’, this was bound to happen.
[The sad thing was, that was by far the most interesting moment of the show. A bad weekend for the gays between that and Stephen Gately. – Matt]
3. LUCIE – ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say no’
Did you know Lucie is a girl from a small town in Wales? I think this has been mentioned before but only in passing. They haven’t made a big deal about it so it would be easy to forget. Lucie is singing Leona because either she or Dannii cannot think of a subtler way to copy this show’s most successful contestant. Also, Simon has a writing credit on it so he’ll have to be nice about the performance.
Lucie’s performance is full of buts. It’s fine but it’s not great. It’s well sung but the big notes escape her. It’s probably the cleanest vocal of the night to but the most interesting thing about the performance is that the wind machine keeps blowing her hair into her mouth. Meh.
Simon says that Leona is all about hitting the notes, which is faint praise I think, and that Lucie’s not as good. Louis quite rightly says that Leona took a few weeks to hit her stride and Simon says “err you were watching a different show then” which is almost as toolish as “you’ve dropped your gay card.”
[She’s quite good, but I don’t think she’s a popstar, as Louis might say. I’d rather have seen Stacey S Club 8 go through to the finals. Not that she can sing particularly well, but, if I can bring back a much missed phrase from chavvy contestants a few years ago, she could have been the next X Factor. Lucie I can see going out midway through the series and being forgotten – Matt]
4. MISS FRANK – ‘I need me some ghetto romance’
I have so much time for Miss Frank. Personality-wise, they are approaching Stacey’s level of awesomeness.
Their VT reminds us that they were forced together during bootcamp but instead of whinging they say it’s nice to have someone else to support you during the stress. They tell us they like their jobs but they’d rather be singers. See, these are normal people. There’s no “it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and that my dead Dad wanted for me.” Miss Frank have goals and perspective. Robbie Williams gives them the ‘advice’ that they need to make us forget they were recently manufactured. Which would work if we hadn’t seen them being manufactured on TV a few weeks ago and if we weren’t reminded of this by the editors every time they’re on screen.
For a wonderful second I think they’re doing En Vogue but sadly they’re doing the Michael Jackson song that En Vogue sampled. It’s a dull song that’s been trotted out at least three times this year on Simon Cowell-fronted shows. It’s a bit shrill and muted too. If this performance was homework, I’d write ‘can do better. See me.’ I was however thrilled to learn that Graziella gets roars from the audience when she starts singing.
The judges are positive. Cheryl says they’re her favourite group but she thinks the twins are dicks and Kandy Rain are tramps so that’s not saying much. Simon says it was good but refers to two of the group as “bookends” and makes a point of saying he doesn’t know their names. It’s cruel and unnecessary and the girl looks defeated after. I think the bookends are ace.
[I don't know why Simon would admit to not knowing their names...he didn't know Olly's age either - Olly, HIS OWN CONTESTANT! - Matt]
[It might not be Simon's fault. Olly looks like he's been 25 for a long, long while - Thex]
5. JOE – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
On his VT, Joe says he lives in the top floor flat of a terrace. I don’t know why he thinks he’s on The Home Show. What are the floors like, Joe? Are you going to spruce the place up with some gorgeous fabric?
He sings my favourite Robbie song (No Regrets) and it’s not that bad. I’m as surprised as you that I’ve put this grinning moron in the top 5 of my rankings. The vocal is ok and he’s not thrown off by the horribly out-of-tune backing singer. His accent still annoys me though: ‘togeth-oh’ was the one that made me scratch skin off my arms. He doesn’t have the angst in his voice for the song’s content either. Maybe he thinks the song is about having No Regrets about anything ever because life is made up of naps, ice cream and puppies? Maybe he can’t understand Robbie Williams’s subtle sarcastic nuance? Either way, I’m not as angry about this performance as I thought I would be and I am willing to give Joe another shot. I still didn’t enjoy it though. Let’s get that much clear.
[Joe would be perfect as the 4th most important member of a boy band who can sing a bit, but he just doesn’t have the charisma to be a solo artist. That way I wouldn't have to look at his face every week for the next two months. I really hope Lloyd steals his target audience. - Matt]
6. JAMIE AFRO – ‘Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar’
Jamie’s VT is about how old and past it he is. This is ‘his last shot.’ Jamie is 34 and The X Factor makes out he’s almost dead. Possibly so they don’t have to admit he has many more years of failure to look forward to. Robbie says Jamie is a better singer than him, which is entirely true and entirely irrelevant. Robbie’s excellent advice is to be less boring at the beginning of songs and instead to ‘grab ‘em and keep ‘em there.’
Jamie takes this advice on board and bleats through a T Rex track. He looks desperate and lost. And I mean literally lost. He wanders around the stage with dead eyes as if he’s lost his glasses and can’t find the right platform for his train. There is a good end note though and then a silly fireworks display because his mentor Simon does not believe in playing fair.
Dannii says ‘go the fro’ and calls Louis ‘Miss Walsh’ because she’s clearly in no control of the words leaving her mouth tonight. Simon says Jamie is in a different league to the others. I don’t get it.
[Is this what Tabby was like in X Factor 1? Being 'rock' on this show is ill advised. Louis pretending to be a ma-hussive T Rex fan was hilarious though. Jamie confuses me, I would like someone to confirm his ethnicity, so we know where we stand, so to speak. - Matt]
[You should ask on a forum. I bet you'll get a lot of eye-roll emoticons - Thex]
7. RICCKY – ‘Girls who wants boys who dig girls like they’re boys’
On his VT, he says he wants audiences who’ll appreciate him more than the old men who go to old men’s pubs. He also needs to connect with the audience (which might be achieved if he was a better singer) and cry less.
I know there was a lot of chitter chatter about Danyl singing a girl’s song but at least someone thought through the song lyric changes. Ricciky’s cover was bizarre.
He sings Winehouse and changes the lyric ‘kept his dick wet’ to ‘kept her er et.’ He also vows to get on without his guy. This is not the only reason why him covering Winehouse didn’t work. He is far too bouncy – both visually and vocally – for such a bleak song. The glory notes are half-hearted too. It’s all a bit limp and if you’re doing Winehouse, you have to commit. Hope turned this track into a Phil Spector girl band wall-of-sound thing a few years ago and that was brilliant so it’s not a matter of some songs or artists being out of bounds. It’s just a matter of Ricckiy being poor.
[He doesn't connect at all. My money is on him to go next week. - Matt]
8. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I can’t live if living is without you’
John and Edward tell us they are from a small town in Ireland called Dublin. Robbie Williams says they’re endearing and charming. I’m not sure which of these sentences is faker. Their VT focuses on the ‘hurtful things’ being written about them and how rubbish they are. Note, these things are ‘hurtful’ but no one is claming they are untrue.
I was really hoping they’d do Rudebox but their choice of Rock DJ is just as funny. The song doesn’t give one the opportunity to show off vocally. In addition, it’s barely a song. It’s a bizarre choice but it does remind me of summer holidays before I could drink though so I’m not mad at it. The choreography is ridiculous and they wear contrasting suits. One twin is more attractive than the other. I barely notice the singing but it is clear that Rock DJ is too big for them. When you can’t whiteman rap the verses of Rock DJ in tune, there are problems here that cannot be fixed quickly. That said, at least it was funny.
The audience boo them before and after to which I say: Ha! Dannii Minogue says they’re bad singers and Cheryl Cole says they’re brave for coming on stage despite the criticism. She adds ‘you can’t sing – fact’ but kindly says it’s not their fault they’re still on the show. I loathe passive aggressive women. Simon says they’re only here because they’re Irish which is unfair. They’re only here because Louis wants one twin in each hole. One twin grins, the other twin realises how much they’re hated and looks sad.
[John and Edward serve a real purpose on the show at this stage. Sure, they’re dangerously underqualified to be here, but with the show stretching over two hours we need some kind of break from the competition proper. They’ll stay until the Top 6 maybe, when only the real talent is left. Their ‘Rock DJ’ was the liveliest moment of the show, even if they did both run out of breath in the second verse. Good song choice though – cover the lack of talent with a spoken verse, and then double up on the vocals for the chorus. Their contribution to the group song on Sunday was the best of all the contestants, FACT! - Matt]
9. OLLY – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
What is the matter with this show? Or with me? Why are “hot str8 blojob twins”, Joe the future headliner of Guys and Dolls at Croydon Rec Centre and Olly Murs ranked so high?
Olly clearly didn’t get the memo it wasn’t Robbie week anymore as in his VT we learn he’s singing a Robbie song. Even though Olly, Simon and other people think this is a bad idea. He’s singing boring Robbie too, not funny Robbie or good Robbie. He’s nervous too, we learn, which shows at least some self-awareness. He should be nervous. He’s bad.
Watching it makes me nervous, even though it’s an easy song. The falsetto is ok and then it’s not. Bits are girly and weak; bits are better than expected. He crouches and dances during a ballad. He does RnB inflections and splits his vowels. Watching him is like watching a tight rope performer who you really want to fall off because he slept with your wife or is just a tool. He never quite falls to my chagrin and his credit.
[In this analogy, Olly's tightrope would only be a metre off the floor. - Matt]
Louis Walsh calls him the boy next door. I don’t even think this is code for average. I think Louis is being sincere. The girls says Olly’s nice and should have lots of friends. Simon says he’s charming but not the best singer. Half-right there. [I honestly think he's the worst. And far from being nice, I get this sly, creepy vibe from him, like he might slip something in your drink if you're an Essex girl in a tacky nightclub - Matt]
10. LLOYD – ‘You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it’
Lloyd would rank twelfth if he was ugly. He would rank first if he could sing like Danyl or, if I’m being very honest, Joe.
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he lives in a three-bedroom terrace house. Why are they so into property details this week. How many bathrooms are there, Lloyd? Is the loft insulated? Brian Friedman says rehearsals with Lloyd were a disaster. Because they didn’t end in a blowy? It can’t be like that after every rehearsal, Brian.
Lloyd takes on Justin Timberlake for no good reason. The arrangement of Cry Me A River is fucking cool. It starts off with an acoustic guitar and then breaks into the shuffly Timbaland backing. It’s just a shame that the vocals are so, so bad. He is flat and nervous. He mimes a phone during the ‘call me on the phone’ like he’s not singing on my favourite show and is instead on a lads’ night out at a mucky club. He barely sings the chorus and at one terrifying point hoots like an owl.
The judges go easy on him. Simon says it was ‘stiff at times.’ No one mentions the poor quality of the singing.
[I read somewhere that Lloyd “looks like someone put all of McFly into a blender”. I’m all for that idea but his voice is probably a year or two away from where it should be. There are nice moments but as Alicia Silverstone might say, it’s only sporadically. Mind you, he did almost make me like that Jason Mraz song at judges homes. In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an admittedly unlikely Tom Jones week, it’d be fun to see him do Delilah. - Matt]
11. KANDY RAIN – ‘You’re calling her a hooker? Let he without sin cast the first stone’
Louis Walsh tells us Kandy Rain are here for all the boys. Not boys like him, other boys. On their VT we learn Kandy Rain have real jobs now but used to be strippers. Simon helpfully says it doesn’t matter they used to be strippers but it matters that they’re bad singers. Robbie Williams says they’re ace and dances. I’m going to stop saying ace now. I’m going to say mint instead. There is sobbing on the VT because they were shit during sound check. They’re such cannon fodder and it’s a shame as they showed promise in Italy last week.
They’re doing Robert Palmer because Robert Palmer is undoubtedly their musical hero and should be yours too. They’re doing the famous Robert Palmer song, not the one I like about having a bad case of lovin’ you. ‘Doctor, Doctor.’ That one. The good one. They look like big whores. One has horns made out of hair.
[I thought it was meant to be like a Playboy bunny? Who knows.. - Matt]
They are wearing black leather and fishnets. One has a terrifying thin face, like a cavewoman being stabbed. The backing vocal is loud but conceals nothing. It’s not the worst but the song choice is not current or relevant or hip.
Dannii saucily puns ‘Kandy, reign it in’ and tells them to dress less like strippers if they want us to forget they’re strippers. Fair point. Cheryl agrees and Simon does not. Louis says they look good and nothing else, which completely proves the girls’ point that the group aren’t being taken seriously as singers dressed like that. The controversy, and the potential pity votes, was the only thing that could keep them from the bottom two. It could not.
[Maybe Kandy Rain dressing like strippers is the fashion equivalent of when Jay Z said: “Niggaz actin' like I sold you crack / Like I told you sell drugs...no...
Hove did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.” - Matt]
They sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera in the bottom two and it is rotten. Their faces are more terrifying than ever. The singing is just as bad. They are wearing the same horrid outfits, with hair for horns, and the vaguely pretty one has given up singing altogether.
Simon says they’ve not been given a fair shot and votes to keep them in. I half-agree with this: the odds were stacked against them but if they’d performed well and dressed better they’d have been fine. The jury is hung and so Miss Frank are eliminated because they got fewer votes than Rachel. Perhaps four to her seven?
12. RACHEL – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
How the mighty have fallen. Rachel ranked second last week as I’d been very impressed with her later auditions. I didn’t see her as a winner though. This show is not as accepting of the diva as those Alexandra and Leona wins would make you think. Just remember, Journey South beat Brenda, Eoghan beat Beautiful, Spanish Ruth, Chico beat Maria and Ray Quinn beat almost everyone his year.
Her VT is a formality and her cover of Let Me Entertain You is a failure from the start. Her mic is not working, or she’s lipsynching, because every line has a strange, uncertain echo. She’s doing a karaoke song which has been rearranged slightly: not in a way that makes it more interesting, just in a way that makes it slightly less familiar and ergo even more confusing and unpalatable. The vocals are harsh and she woo hoos for no good or Christian reason.
The judges are full of praise. Louis likes that she can dance. Simon enjoyed it but also calls her Miss Nobody and says her make up’s shit. I don’t know why the judges aren’t as disappointed as I am. Watching this, as the first performance of the night and the worst performance of the night, I thought bottom two for certain. I was perhaps the only one who called it as her betting odds were good and the judges were surprised to see her in the bottom two.
She sang ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink in the bottom two, which she’d sung last week for Dannii. A repeat this early is a bad, bad sign. She is clearly upset and her voice cracks and she misses lots of lyrics trying not to cry. It’s clear that she’s a better singer than many but she performed badly twice this weekend. When Joe outsings you, you and your voice, you got issues.
[Rachel got everything wrong Saturday. I was worried about her before the results show. Granted, it’s not her fault she was on first on Saturday, but the song didn’t fit at all, and I’ll be frank about this, she needs to wear something more revealing. Or at least a top that doesn’t make me imagine an ice dancer from the early ‘80s. - Matt]
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Thex Factor – Judges’ Homes – ‘Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny’
These are the salient facts as we begin….
1. It is judges’ homes week
These are always my favourite shows. We’re at the stage now where we see good people sing. Well, sort of. There is Oliver Murs this year after all. Last year Austin, Scott and the fat girl really shined at this stage so that shows how much I know. We also get the results show where people are put through or sent home and both the contestants and myself spend a good hour crying. Although not this year because I was made very angry by many decisions
2. Louis went to Italy with the groups and Ronan Keating
Ronan Keating looks very old but was surprisingly frank. A good guest judge I thought and one who made it clear how much he loathed the Twilight porn twins.
The reinstated Hood Harmony were allowed back but are clearly not going through because they’re rubbish AND Louis doesn’t want to live out his twin fantasy. Manufactured girl group Miss Frank were heaps of fun and rapped in Spanish. Boring girl group Project A were pretty shrill (when it would have been much better to be pretty but shrill) and one looks distractingly like Saffia from Big Brother. Girl group Kandy Rain, who used to be strippers, won me over with a tight Lady Gaga cover. I’d prejudged them but they really do prove that just cos she dance a go go, it don’t make her a ho no. De-Tour are the new Journey South or MacDonald Brothers, two years too late. John & Edward are twins who could both be the ugly one who doesn’t sing in many 90s boybands.
Louis puts through the dynamic Kandy Rain, the dynamic-er Miss Frank and the dynamism-free John & Edward. I don’t understand the appeal of twins myself. And that’s on both an erotic and a spiritual level: incest isn’t fit and also they have half a soul each. But Louis has every right to vote with his dick if he wants.
3. Dannii went to Dubai with the girls and with Kylie
Stacey from Dagenham continues to be awesome every time we see her. This time she did ‘Over The Rainbow’ which this show has a habit of giving the winner to sing (e.g. Leona, Shayne). It does concern me though that she always looks like a panic attack is imminent. Rachel Adedeji is becoming similarly reliable, this time doing Pink, and Lucie continued her fast progress and looked much better with a tan.
Nicole, a girl we’ve only ever seen in montages, sang with a Duffy/Paloma Faith accent and forgot her words so is a dick on two levels. Stacey from S Club Juniors is another one we’ve only seen in montages and so I thought she might be good because she’s made it this far. Wrong! She’s shit. So shit that the Britney song she’s covering is “too big for her.” So shit it’s clear why she wasn’t asked to join The Saturdays with the other Juniors. Cypriot Despina was rapsy and unpleasant and clearly paled in comparison to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. It is very telling and worth noting that Despina was the only act who I had to look up to write this recap. She’s a bore.
Dagenham Stacey, Lucie and Rachel go through and I am relieved. I am looking forward to all three’s first performance.
Dannii gets a lot of flack but she is the only judge to pick the three best singers in her category. And to pick three artists who are commercially viable. And to pick no contestants who are clearly dicks. She cannot get enough credit for this.
4. Cheryl went to Morocca with some gays
Ok I want to stress I’m not being libellous here. When I say ‘some gays’, I don’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘bad’, I mean ‘gay’ as in ‘shit.’ And with FLAMING mannerisms. And who seemed just a bit too excited that Will Young was the guest mentor.
There’s Joseph who still sings like a girl on top of a mechanical crab during a Euro Disney parade. There’s Ethan who is fit but has a dubious penchant for stroking his competitors. There’s Daniel, the musical theatre man who can’t stop singing badly to the back rows. There’s Duane who you’ll remember once auditioned with Beyoncé’s ‘Broken Hearted Girl.’ There’s Ricckkiy whose love of hats and falsetto makes him seem like the clingy ex-boyfriend of a Justin Timberlake strippogram. This category is dreadful this year. 16 year-old Lloyd’s voice hasn’t broken for definite but he is the butchest one in this mob. Also, his cover of I’m Yours (the song he was panned for doing at his first audition) was confident and hip by this show’s standards.
I call so much bullshit about Cheryl’s section. First there was the nonsense where she was about to send Daniel home then walked off to reconsider then booted him anyway. Then there was pretending Duane was out of tune (a trick they’ve pulled to eliminate the better singer before.) Then there was the putting through Joseph (ugly, bad singer, creepy) and not Ethan (fit, okay singer, fit). Cheryl Cole is a wanker this year.
5. Simon went to L.A. with some codgers
Simon is a wanker also. And, clearly, not always right.
The editors’ least favourite and very obvious cannon fodder Treyc sang very well but Simon doubted her star quality. Daniel from One True Voice was given a George Michael issues record and sang the shit out of it. Nicole stomped her fat foot three times and growled in the hopes she’d suddenly become Jennifer Hudson.
Jamie Afro creeped me the fuck out with both a whiney Oasis cover and his bug eyes. Danyl oversang Alicia Keys’s ‘Fallin” and earned Simon’s ire. He’s also become very, very posh. I thought he was a P.E. teacher – whose P.E. teacher talks like that? Oliver Murs still can’t sing, still can’t dance and still has boss eyes, a flat face, a receding hairline, a woman’s bust and a big-ass mole. It troubles me that the judges think that this and creepy-as Joseph look like popstars.
Simon kicks out the best singers because Treyc’s boring, because Nicole’s a club singer ham and because Daniel’s already had a go on the fame bicycle. I will miss Daniel and think of him daily. He puts through Oliver, Danyl and Jamie Afro and I get a little bit sick in my mouth. The latter two could well win but Oliver has no business on that stage.
On with the rankings in anticipation of the first live show….
1. STACEY
Stacey is the new Leona. I sense it. She can sing ballads very well. She lacks self-confidence. Her personality is not instantly abrasive. She is fug from some angles. She also has the Leona curls. I predict good things.
2. RACHEL
She had me at ‘Last Request.’ The lesbian hair is a shame but I’m sure the stylists will deal with that.
3. MISS FRANK
There’s not been enough Spanish rapping on this show before. I’m not saying I want to see it again but Miss Frank are cool.
4. KANDY RAIN
And so are these tramps! Both their judges’ home performances were good and I can’t help but get the feeling they can sing. My fear is they’ll go first week. At least one contestant with a vagina has been eliminated week one of every X Factor series so far. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
5. LUCIE
Yes, the whole ‘girl from the valleys with a dream’ thing is annoying and clearly not true. But Lucie has shown enough vocal chops for this high place on the ranking.
6. LLOYD
His second go at an I’m Yours cover was very good. And he is the only man in the contest who I don’t have a barely concealed personal problem with. So kudos to Llyod!
7. DANYL
Simon needs to have a good shout at him. Then Simon will give him very obvious songs to sing well. Perhaps Song For You? She’s The One? They trot that out every year. This plan could work and he could zoom to the top of this list.
8. JAMIE AFRO
Jamie gets some cool points for swearing at Simon but I still don’t like his voice or his face. Also the rockstar outfit is annoying when you sing covers in bad pubs or on bad TV shows.
9. RICCIKY
I will spell his name correctly when he sings a melody correctly. That is all.
10. JOHN & EDWARD
“Bella, you know I can’t kiss you because I’m a vampire. But my twin can eat your –”
11. OLIVER
I get so many hits from people searching for info on his jumper. It was a very nice jumper. And I imagine he bought it from TopMan or River Island. Because he’s a top lad! I have no idea why he’s been put through.
12. JOSEPH
I know why Joseph’s gone through (he’s from Newcastle, he’s this year’s creepy stage school kid a la Eoghan/Ray) but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Danyl and Stacey need to be awesome so that this clown doesn’t win. He will make the final though, the creepy stage school kid usually does.
1. It is judges’ homes week
These are always my favourite shows. We’re at the stage now where we see good people sing. Well, sort of. There is Oliver Murs this year after all. Last year Austin, Scott and the fat girl really shined at this stage so that shows how much I know. We also get the results show where people are put through or sent home and both the contestants and myself spend a good hour crying. Although not this year because I was made very angry by many decisions
2. Louis went to Italy with the groups and Ronan Keating
Ronan Keating looks very old but was surprisingly frank. A good guest judge I thought and one who made it clear how much he loathed the Twilight porn twins.
The reinstated Hood Harmony were allowed back but are clearly not going through because they’re rubbish AND Louis doesn’t want to live out his twin fantasy. Manufactured girl group Miss Frank were heaps of fun and rapped in Spanish. Boring girl group Project A were pretty shrill (when it would have been much better to be pretty but shrill) and one looks distractingly like Saffia from Big Brother. Girl group Kandy Rain, who used to be strippers, won me over with a tight Lady Gaga cover. I’d prejudged them but they really do prove that just cos she dance a go go, it don’t make her a ho no. De-Tour are the new Journey South or MacDonald Brothers, two years too late. John & Edward are twins who could both be the ugly one who doesn’t sing in many 90s boybands.
Louis puts through the dynamic Kandy Rain, the dynamic-er Miss Frank and the dynamism-free John & Edward. I don’t understand the appeal of twins myself. And that’s on both an erotic and a spiritual level: incest isn’t fit and also they have half a soul each. But Louis has every right to vote with his dick if he wants.
3. Dannii went to Dubai with the girls and with Kylie
Stacey from Dagenham continues to be awesome every time we see her. This time she did ‘Over The Rainbow’ which this show has a habit of giving the winner to sing (e.g. Leona, Shayne). It does concern me though that she always looks like a panic attack is imminent. Rachel Adedeji is becoming similarly reliable, this time doing Pink, and Lucie continued her fast progress and looked much better with a tan.
Nicole, a girl we’ve only ever seen in montages, sang with a Duffy/Paloma Faith accent and forgot her words so is a dick on two levels. Stacey from S Club Juniors is another one we’ve only seen in montages and so I thought she might be good because she’s made it this far. Wrong! She’s shit. So shit that the Britney song she’s covering is “too big for her.” So shit it’s clear why she wasn’t asked to join The Saturdays with the other Juniors. Cypriot Despina was rapsy and unpleasant and clearly paled in comparison to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. It is very telling and worth noting that Despina was the only act who I had to look up to write this recap. She’s a bore.
Dagenham Stacey, Lucie and Rachel go through and I am relieved. I am looking forward to all three’s first performance.
Dannii gets a lot of flack but she is the only judge to pick the three best singers in her category. And to pick three artists who are commercially viable. And to pick no contestants who are clearly dicks. She cannot get enough credit for this.
4. Cheryl went to Morocca with some gays
Ok I want to stress I’m not being libellous here. When I say ‘some gays’, I don’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘bad’, I mean ‘gay’ as in ‘shit.’ And with FLAMING mannerisms. And who seemed just a bit too excited that Will Young was the guest mentor.
There’s Joseph who still sings like a girl on top of a mechanical crab during a Euro Disney parade. There’s Ethan who is fit but has a dubious penchant for stroking his competitors. There’s Daniel, the musical theatre man who can’t stop singing badly to the back rows. There’s Duane who you’ll remember once auditioned with Beyoncé’s ‘Broken Hearted Girl.’ There’s Ricckkiy whose love of hats and falsetto makes him seem like the clingy ex-boyfriend of a Justin Timberlake strippogram. This category is dreadful this year. 16 year-old Lloyd’s voice hasn’t broken for definite but he is the butchest one in this mob. Also, his cover of I’m Yours (the song he was panned for doing at his first audition) was confident and hip by this show’s standards.
I call so much bullshit about Cheryl’s section. First there was the nonsense where she was about to send Daniel home then walked off to reconsider then booted him anyway. Then there was pretending Duane was out of tune (a trick they’ve pulled to eliminate the better singer before.) Then there was the putting through Joseph (ugly, bad singer, creepy) and not Ethan (fit, okay singer, fit). Cheryl Cole is a wanker this year.
5. Simon went to L.A. with some codgers
Simon is a wanker also. And, clearly, not always right.
The editors’ least favourite and very obvious cannon fodder Treyc sang very well but Simon doubted her star quality. Daniel from One True Voice was given a George Michael issues record and sang the shit out of it. Nicole stomped her fat foot three times and growled in the hopes she’d suddenly become Jennifer Hudson.
Jamie Afro creeped me the fuck out with both a whiney Oasis cover and his bug eyes. Danyl oversang Alicia Keys’s ‘Fallin” and earned Simon’s ire. He’s also become very, very posh. I thought he was a P.E. teacher – whose P.E. teacher talks like that? Oliver Murs still can’t sing, still can’t dance and still has boss eyes, a flat face, a receding hairline, a woman’s bust and a big-ass mole. It troubles me that the judges think that this and creepy-as Joseph look like popstars.
Simon kicks out the best singers because Treyc’s boring, because Nicole’s a club singer ham and because Daniel’s already had a go on the fame bicycle. I will miss Daniel and think of him daily. He puts through Oliver, Danyl and Jamie Afro and I get a little bit sick in my mouth. The latter two could well win but Oliver has no business on that stage.
On with the rankings in anticipation of the first live show….
1. STACEY
Stacey is the new Leona. I sense it. She can sing ballads very well. She lacks self-confidence. Her personality is not instantly abrasive. She is fug from some angles. She also has the Leona curls. I predict good things.
2. RACHEL
She had me at ‘Last Request.’ The lesbian hair is a shame but I’m sure the stylists will deal with that.
3. MISS FRANK
There’s not been enough Spanish rapping on this show before. I’m not saying I want to see it again but Miss Frank are cool.
4. KANDY RAIN
And so are these tramps! Both their judges’ home performances were good and I can’t help but get the feeling they can sing. My fear is they’ll go first week. At least one contestant with a vagina has been eliminated week one of every X Factor series so far. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
5. LUCIE
Yes, the whole ‘girl from the valleys with a dream’ thing is annoying and clearly not true. But Lucie has shown enough vocal chops for this high place on the ranking.
6. LLOYD
His second go at an I’m Yours cover was very good. And he is the only man in the contest who I don’t have a barely concealed personal problem with. So kudos to Llyod!
7. DANYL
Simon needs to have a good shout at him. Then Simon will give him very obvious songs to sing well. Perhaps Song For You? She’s The One? They trot that out every year. This plan could work and he could zoom to the top of this list.
8. JAMIE AFRO
Jamie gets some cool points for swearing at Simon but I still don’t like his voice or his face. Also the rockstar outfit is annoying when you sing covers in bad pubs or on bad TV shows.
9. RICCIKY
I will spell his name correctly when he sings a melody correctly. That is all.
10. JOHN & EDWARD
“Bella, you know I can’t kiss you because I’m a vampire. But my twin can eat your –”
11. OLIVER
I get so many hits from people searching for info on his jumper. It was a very nice jumper. And I imagine he bought it from TopMan or River Island. Because he’s a top lad! I have no idea why he’s been put through.
12. JOSEPH
I know why Joseph’s gone through (he’s from Newcastle, he’s this year’s creepy stage school kid a la Eoghan/Ray) but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Danyl and Stacey need to be awesome so that this clown doesn’t win. He will make the final though, the creepy stage school kid usually does.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Thex Factor - Bootcamp - 'Looks like we made it'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s bootcamp, bitches
Yes, after weeks of drawn-out auditions, marred by a tacky new format and a notable lack of good singers, we are at bootcamp. And ITV got through the whole thing in two episodes. The 200 or so successful auditionees are now 24. The show is back on track. Dreams were dashed, bands were created and men with Asperger’s had their rehabilitation halted with a hug. I can’t in good conscience thoroughly rank 200 singers, especially as we don’t see most of them. The next salient facts will reveal how it all went down instead
2. There was a group-sing round
Just like lessons on the first day of school, people with low self-esteem and heightened anxiety were made to team up for a fun activity. And be watched and judged by all the other, cooler kids wearing Ralph Lauren gym shorts.
The judges sent them home or sent them through just after they’d sung. So they’re left to wriggle around on stage during the deliberation like they’ve just wet themselves and they’re waiting for the cleaner to open the lost property cupboard. Am I pushing this primary school metaphor too far? Who cares. I’m done now.
Bad club singers It Takes 2 found they were even worse with other people on stage and got the boot. Evil twins John & Edward (you remember them? They looked like a twin porn version of the vampire from Twilight) sang over some ugly girl’s part. Miss Fitz were awesome even though they’re now a duo (Where is the other one?) and three scary women teamed up for a cover of That’s Life with pleasant wailing as the chief result. These women were told they’d make a good group, probably because they’re too ugly to be solo singers. Snap! And, more on this later
3. There was a solo round
In front of an audience of 4,000 these fools had to sing again to make a place in the final 50.
Joseph from Newcastle remains the most punchable contestant since Quigg or Quinn. I’m going to need a girl to explain him to me. The voice is fag on toast, the skin is blotchy and the hair is made entirely of gel. And he sings Luther Vandross and George Michael in a thin, nasal American accent. Why is this good?
Welsh schoolgirl Lucie Jones was surprisingly strong but you know the most pleasant wailing don’t come from no skinny ass white girl. Rachel Adedeji redid that dreadful Paolo Nutini song as a Toni Braxton album track and Nicole Lawrence proved she could sing, or at least scream or growl, with a Jennifer Hudson redo. Top marks for both! Daniel was as good as ever and his mohican is now a much butcher green.
The aforementioned ugly women were eliminated just after this round but then were called to a staff room and given the opportunity to continue as a group. They say Yes but don’t seem happy. I guess because they’ve just told they’re not very good on their own.
4. There was another solo round
This time it was to make the top 24, or the judges’ home stage. It’s the same thing.
Oliver Murs earned my wrath this evening. I discovered during the heavy screen time he was given that he has a big mole by his nose. He just gets hotter doesn’t he! I like an Essex boy as much as any wannabe wag but we need to review the facts here. He can barely sing (as evidenced by his Top 50 ‘Your Song’ performance), he is a moron (as evidenced by forgetting the words on Saturday night’s show AND that he won just £10 on Deal or No Deal) and he is only attractive in a moley, boss-eyed, flat-faced pasty way. Having a nice jumper does not make you a popstar.
Ugly girl band win some cool points for rapping over their audition. Danyl redid Simply Red as beatbox gospel and it was shit. (N.B. Danyl ‘Oooh, I’m a bit gay but I only talk about it for money’ Something was shit. Daniel ‘I was in One True Voice but am awesome’ Pearce is awesome every time we’re shown him. Which has been twice. )Stacey looks more like Amy Winehouse every episode: she has the nose, the scary eye-make up, the tottering heels, the mumble and the accent. Stacey is the most restrained singer in the contest and has cool points to spare.
And I am fast becoming convinced that Jamie Afro is rubbish. He has a very rubbery face and sings like a Disney character. He’s also very corny and can’t stop asking the audience to sing along. There’s a reason he sings in bad clubs. He was born to.
The top 24 is chosen soon after. Miss Fitz, Curfew Curtis with the tracking device and Double Asperger with Cheese are all given the heave-ho. I wonder if the latter will go back to being a shut-in. Leaving the house for this show hasn’t really worked out: I hope it doesn’t put him off leaving the house in general.
5. It’s Judges’ Homes next week
Oliver Bloody Murs and Joseph are in the top 24 and if both go through to the live rounds I will not watch. Daniel, Stacey and the fit American are still around though so it’s not all bad. Dannii has the girls who won't win, Cheryl has the boys who might, Simon has the old people who might and Louis has the groups for the fourth time in six years. He took it well though. Probably because he wants to make some Twilight twin porn. He's playing Bella.
Judges’ Homes is my favourite bit of the show. I will spend the whole results show next Sunday crying as I do every year. It’s wrought!
On with some token rankings....
1. Daniel
He is awesome but I know Simon will put through the showy fuckers like Danyl 'Yeah, that's right, tear that up' Something, unsexy sex symbol Oliver Murs or Jamie the tool
2. Stacey
She is always great and I applaud her for not shrieking whenever she receives good news.
3. Rachel
She made me like Paolo Nutini. Point Adedeji!
22. John & Edward
Do you know which one's which yet?
23. Oliver
If Gary Barlow couldn't sing. Or write. Phwoar!
24. Joseph
The album will come out Mother's Day week. He'll get a part in Grease. Going on the show is just a formality. A formality that should be skipped for all our sakes.
1. It’s bootcamp, bitches
Yes, after weeks of drawn-out auditions, marred by a tacky new format and a notable lack of good singers, we are at bootcamp. And ITV got through the whole thing in two episodes. The 200 or so successful auditionees are now 24. The show is back on track. Dreams were dashed, bands were created and men with Asperger’s had their rehabilitation halted with a hug. I can’t in good conscience thoroughly rank 200 singers, especially as we don’t see most of them. The next salient facts will reveal how it all went down instead
2. There was a group-sing round
Just like lessons on the first day of school, people with low self-esteem and heightened anxiety were made to team up for a fun activity. And be watched and judged by all the other, cooler kids wearing Ralph Lauren gym shorts.
The judges sent them home or sent them through just after they’d sung. So they’re left to wriggle around on stage during the deliberation like they’ve just wet themselves and they’re waiting for the cleaner to open the lost property cupboard. Am I pushing this primary school metaphor too far? Who cares. I’m done now.
Bad club singers It Takes 2 found they were even worse with other people on stage and got the boot. Evil twins John & Edward (you remember them? They looked like a twin porn version of the vampire from Twilight) sang over some ugly girl’s part. Miss Fitz were awesome even though they’re now a duo (Where is the other one?) and three scary women teamed up for a cover of That’s Life with pleasant wailing as the chief result. These women were told they’d make a good group, probably because they’re too ugly to be solo singers. Snap! And, more on this later
3. There was a solo round
In front of an audience of 4,000 these fools had to sing again to make a place in the final 50.
Joseph from Newcastle remains the most punchable contestant since Quigg or Quinn. I’m going to need a girl to explain him to me. The voice is fag on toast, the skin is blotchy and the hair is made entirely of gel. And he sings Luther Vandross and George Michael in a thin, nasal American accent. Why is this good?
Welsh schoolgirl Lucie Jones was surprisingly strong but you know the most pleasant wailing don’t come from no skinny ass white girl. Rachel Adedeji redid that dreadful Paolo Nutini song as a Toni Braxton album track and Nicole Lawrence proved she could sing, or at least scream or growl, with a Jennifer Hudson redo. Top marks for both! Daniel was as good as ever and his mohican is now a much butcher green.
The aforementioned ugly women were eliminated just after this round but then were called to a staff room and given the opportunity to continue as a group. They say Yes but don’t seem happy. I guess because they’ve just told they’re not very good on their own.
4. There was another solo round
This time it was to make the top 24, or the judges’ home stage. It’s the same thing.
Oliver Murs earned my wrath this evening. I discovered during the heavy screen time he was given that he has a big mole by his nose. He just gets hotter doesn’t he! I like an Essex boy as much as any wannabe wag but we need to review the facts here. He can barely sing (as evidenced by his Top 50 ‘Your Song’ performance), he is a moron (as evidenced by forgetting the words on Saturday night’s show AND that he won just £10 on Deal or No Deal) and he is only attractive in a moley, boss-eyed, flat-faced pasty way. Having a nice jumper does not make you a popstar.
Ugly girl band win some cool points for rapping over their audition. Danyl redid Simply Red as beatbox gospel and it was shit. (N.B. Danyl ‘Oooh, I’m a bit gay but I only talk about it for money’ Something was shit. Daniel ‘I was in One True Voice but am awesome’ Pearce is awesome every time we’re shown him. Which has been twice. )Stacey looks more like Amy Winehouse every episode: she has the nose, the scary eye-make up, the tottering heels, the mumble and the accent. Stacey is the most restrained singer in the contest and has cool points to spare.
And I am fast becoming convinced that Jamie Afro is rubbish. He has a very rubbery face and sings like a Disney character. He’s also very corny and can’t stop asking the audience to sing along. There’s a reason he sings in bad clubs. He was born to.
The top 24 is chosen soon after. Miss Fitz, Curfew Curtis with the tracking device and Double Asperger with Cheese are all given the heave-ho. I wonder if the latter will go back to being a shut-in. Leaving the house for this show hasn’t really worked out: I hope it doesn’t put him off leaving the house in general.
5. It’s Judges’ Homes next week
Oliver Bloody Murs and Joseph are in the top 24 and if both go through to the live rounds I will not watch. Daniel, Stacey and the fit American are still around though so it’s not all bad. Dannii has the girls who won't win, Cheryl has the boys who might, Simon has the old people who might and Louis has the groups for the fourth time in six years. He took it well though. Probably because he wants to make some Twilight twin porn. He's playing Bella.
Judges’ Homes is my favourite bit of the show. I will spend the whole results show next Sunday crying as I do every year. It’s wrought!
On with some token rankings....
1. Daniel
He is awesome but I know Simon will put through the showy fuckers like Danyl 'Yeah, that's right, tear that up' Something, unsexy sex symbol Oliver Murs or Jamie the tool
2. Stacey
She is always great and I applaud her for not shrieking whenever she receives good news.
3. Rachel
She made me like Paolo Nutini. Point Adedeji!
22. John & Edward
Do you know which one's which yet?
23. Oliver
If Gary Barlow couldn't sing. Or write. Phwoar!
24. Joseph
The album will come out Mother's Day week. He'll get a part in Grease. Going on the show is just a formality. A formality that should be skipped for all our sakes.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
A survey
If you asked Simon Cowell to marry you do you think he'd say...
a. for all the right reasons, it's a no
or
b. I'm going to put you out of your misery, it's good news
Full bootcamp recap will come mid week. Let it be known in advance that Daniel from One True Voice is awesome, that Oliver Murs suddenly has a mole to make him that bit more ugly, that gay men like black women wailing, that Ethan remains fit and that Jamie Afro remains as big of a tool as we'd first thought.
a. for all the right reasons, it's a no
or
b. I'm going to put you out of your misery, it's good news
Full bootcamp recap will come mid week. Let it be known in advance that Daniel from One True Voice is awesome, that Oliver Murs suddenly has a mole to make him that bit more ugly, that gay men like black women wailing, that Ethan remains fit and that Jamie Afro remains as big of a tool as we'd first thought.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 5 & 6 – ‘It takes two, baby, it takes two, baby’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Oliver, Oliver
Oliver Murs has the Internet all a-flutter. People have been driven to my blog in the millions searching for info about the boss-eyed Essex Hottie.
Recent searches have included
"oliver murs jumper"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
as well as my personal favourite...
"x factor guy useless superstitious"
Full rankings of the last two audition shows will come midweek. Love you long time.
Recent searches have included
"oliver murs jumper"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
as well as my personal favourite...
"x factor guy useless superstitious"
Full rankings of the last two audition shows will come midweek. Love you long time.
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And on and on the rain will fall'
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.
2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!
3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.
On with the rankings…
1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.
2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.
3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.
4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.
5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.
6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.
7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!
1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.
2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!
3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.
On with the rankings…
1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.
2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.
3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.
4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.
5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.
6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.
7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 3 – ‘Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good, damn I’m so hood’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Cos I Am The Mob’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. I feel sorry for Dannii Minogue
Britain’s favourite Australian X Factor judge doesn’t seem to be enjoying it any more. Kylie’s not ill and brave any more – and Sharon’s not sticking her head in the toilet and then texting the pictures to Louis – so I don’t know what the problem is. The other judges are celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, celebrity hobbit Louis Walsh and celebrity sleaze Simon Cowell. I like all the judges now. For all the right reasons, it’s a yes from me.
2. I feel sorry for the auditioners
They now audition in front of a theatre crowd on top of a karaoke backing track. This has been written elsewhere but, with this new format, the show now feels like Britain’s Got Talent without the jugglers and not the wonderful contest it once was.
Now rather than seeing the judges trying to stay composed and sharing wry glances, we have to see very ugly women cackling in the audience. I’d never seen so much otter-slick hair in one night and I felt quite sick.
And, to add insult to injury, we have to see the audience giving a nigh-on-constant standing ovation. (Trolls, if you do it for every good song, it means nothing. It’s like when Simon says something every week is the best performance ever. NOTHING.)
3. I am looking for guest columnists
We had some good ones last year but this year the talent should be even better. Do you have a dead relative you can mention a lot to win people over? Is this your last chance to be a guest columnist? Do you want a better life for you and your mother or children? Did you decide long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow? Then e-mail me at timrussell641@btinternet.com and there can be miracles when you believe and you’ll be a guest columnist. Unless you’re shit. Natch.
There were only 7 full auditions this week. I think they were in Birmingham but the judges’ outfits changed after every song so the auditions we saw last night could have been on any day or any city. Suffice to say, there were a fuck load of montages.
On with the rankings….
1. MISS FITZ – ‘I did it my waaaaaaaay’
One of these girls auditioned solo awesomely and got through to the judge’s homes stage way back in 2006. But she got no further because she wasn’t as extremely horsey or Mariahy as Leona Lewis. She’s back now with two slightly ropey white-to-orange women who she met through a newspaper.
I can see it now.
“SW seeks ugly Wx2, gsoh for girl band, maybe more. Likes covers, cinema. Dislikes girls who steal focus.’
Yes, these girls have a stupid name but their audition was smart as. They deftly rearranged Toxic as an Andrews Sisters, big band singalong. With RnB wailing. It was ‘Mama Do’ meets ironic Live Lounge cover meets En Vogue. It was awesome and very modern and quite possibly my favourite audition ever. Or at least on a par with Ashley McKenzie or Althea Gaye or the beautifully horsey Leona Lewis.
My only fear is they’ll be expected to do a genre-busting cover every week. They’ll get criticised if they don’t or become boring if they do. I hope they can dodge that bullet. They are my new favourites.
2. ROZELLE – ‘I’m a little material, got bling, bling’
Rozelle is from Trinidad and Tobego, which we heard pronounced about eleven different ways. The accent is big and the jewellery is bigger and the hair is like that of a Next Top Model ghetto girl before she gets a new weave in episode three. She weeps before and after her audition. (It’s something to do with her grandmother who I believe is alive.) She grins during the audition because the crowd are whooping and/or because she’s pleased with her vocal.
She sang Jennifer Hudson very well. It was very copycat at times and there were some flaws but even the undeniably horsey Leona Lewis did a few tuneless yelps in her time. This was a strong audition but I’m left with some doubts. She may just be a shouter. Speaking of which, we have number three…
3. JAMIE – ‘And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love me’
What the fuck was this? And by ‘this,’ I mean him. He looks cracked up and coked out and he has the skin of a cartoon lizard. And his afro was not cool. A good afro is big and round, like an ostentatious toilet brush. His afro seemed to have flaps and attachments.
He sang Sex on Fire in a 5% RnB way, 95% idiot karaoke way. There was yelling and shouting. And, yet, the judges loved it. He also tossed his mic about and pranced around like Danyl ‘Ooh, I’m a bit gay, I am’ Something from last week. He even entreated the audience to sing along but they were too busy pickpocketing each other so this plan failed.
The performance had all the subtlety of an AIDS needle. Or emo poetry.
He ranks highly because the singing was mainly in tune but I think he is a tool.
4. DARYL – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven’
This man’s VT started off well. He missed last year’s audition because it was the same day as his brother’s wedding. Because family come first? And he’s back this year to make up for it? What a nice man! And what a nice, not at all exploitative back story?
Wrong! Because this man has two back stories. Because his brother’s DEAD. And not just a bit dead. He’s not even alive at all any more. The brother died just weeks after the wedding and now this poor singing man has to raise his nephew. Communal weeping commences, both on the VT and on stage, after we learn this news.
You knew he was going through. It didn’t matter that he sang very badly. Simon winked at him and then the nephew ran on stage to hug him. Yuk.
If he gets far, I will have to call him Deadbruv.
5. BEHROUZ – ‘What time is it? It’s Chico time’
Yes, we have this year’s Chico. A silly novelty act. Or, a Rhydian who can’t sing. Or, a Same Difference if Same Difference weren’t so funked out, shit hot awesome. (Seriously, your ass be tore up if you chat shit about Same Difference. They’re my favourite sibling duo ever.)
As this show has become a disjointed gong show just like Britain’s Got Talent, it makes sense they’ve put through Behrouz – a man who’s as funny as an anal fissure – just for a laugh.
He sang Scissor Sisters very poorly and had mad, staring eyes. He also pranced around the stage just like Jamie with the shit afro or Danyl ‘Ooh, I love a bit of cock, I do’ Something from last week.
What is with all the prancing? Just because there’s an audience of – whisper it – working class people there doesn’t mean you have to prance. It’s not the law ‘down’t local.’
Behrouz gets 3 yeses. Simon is not happy. But then Simon stormed off set after Chico auditioned, and roughed Louis up in a corridor, so Chico 2 has done quite well.
And with that, it becomes clear that my top 5 are all the people who got through. So, now for the crap ones.
6. ALAN – ‘And then it knocks you down, just back up, and then it knocks you down’
First auditionee of the night Alan was ‘amusing’ because he needed to stare at his watch to know when to start. When he did, he sang poorly.He told us he did karaoke and was told he ‘sang reasonable.’ And he wants to be rich enough to buy his council house. I’m not sure why we had to watch him be disappointed because he wasn’t so bad he was funny or so arrogant he needed telling. He was just a man in the wrong place. Why the producers put him through is beyond me.
7. THE STUNNERS – ‘U G L Y, you ain’t got no alibi’
Same goes for The Stunners. Now, they were pretty bad and the strange noises they made were sort of funny. And, yes, they were pretty deluded and compared themselves to Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera (who’s had more dick in her than Danyl ‘I don’t like labels, I just love cock’ Something from last week).
But the big joke here was they were ugly. Like, really ugly. One was pasty and one was boss-eyed. And they were called The Stunners. Lol. Now that’s really funny.
Do you get it? Do you? Why aren’t you laughing?
Come on, it’s really funny.
Or, it’s just a bit lame.
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