MY VERY FIRST THEX FACTOR RECAP

I was going to start this in time for the first live show but I didn’t. Shame that.
I had the amazing idea for the Thex Factor blog last week. Seriously, you should have been there. I thought - Eureka! - no one on the Internet writes about Television shows. This will be my niche. Sites like Television Without Pity don't exist and anyone who says they do is very stupid.
But I dismissed my great idea as a bit lame. And then realised I still wanted to do it.
So.... my blog that recaps the X Factor is going to be even more of a recap this week because it’s recapping months of auditions, one live show before recapping another live show properly. This could become very listlike. Apologies.

So very quickly. These are the facts you need to know.....

1. Everyone I like is still in the competition.
This doesn’t require a lot of explanation. All the auditionees I liked are still in (Alex, Diana, more on them later). The best person at Judges’ Homes (Laura) is still in. The scally bluecoat man I fancy – who drinks at the same pub as Shayne Ward! – is still in. That man who may or may not be in contact with his family is gone.
There was a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were eliminated and a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were not eliminated. All judges present and correct. All good.

2. There are themes. There are celebrities singing.
One week the contestants did number ones. One week they did Michael Jackson songs.
One week Leon sang. He was nervous and bounced around by mistake. He did not get to #1. One week Girls Aloud sang. They did not appear nervous and bounced around on purpose because they were dancing. They may get to #1.
Sadly, neither Leon or the ones that aren’t Cheryl from Girls Aloud acted as guest mentors. And hence no celebrity was forced to pretend they liked listening to any of these ghastly people or liked listening to people who are better singers than they are now.

3. Bad Lashes went on week one.
They left before I had chance to think of a ‘hilarious’ nickname for them. Bad Singers? Bad People? There just wasn’t time.
I’d say they went too soon because both times they sang they did 90s ballads (that one from Pretty Woman, that one that’s ‘by Ryan Adams’ in that he covered it and it’s really by Oasis) and I quite like anyone who’s stuck in the 90s because I am too.

On with the Week 2 rankings....

1. AUSTIN was bullied at school.
I’m sure I read that. He also told the Daily Star that he is not a gay. I don’t want to call him Notagay because, well, libel suits upset me so I will call him Bulliedatschool or just Austin.
He was very good I thought. He did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. Except really he did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson re-arranged by Chris Cornell as sung by David Cook on American Idol earlier this year. So a cover of a cover of a cover. Such strict themes.
Anyway his mentor is Simon Cowell who is a mogul and svengali. He praised Austin for being ‘original.’ Again – it’s cover of a cover of a cover. I wouldn’t praise it for being original. I would praise it because he sung it very well.
He was a little timid, perhaps a little bored on week one.

2. RUTH is Spanish.
She is being told to sing in Spanish because there’s nothing ruder to people on The X Factor than when someone comes from overseas and has the very CHEEK to want to sing in her new home’s language, rather than in the language of the country she’s come from. Hand this woman a Life in the UK test – stat.
If I were any number of relatives that I have or people I went to Uni with, I’d say she should fuck off home. She’ll steal our jobs and our women. But I’m not them.
I think she was one of the better people when singing Michael Jackson. I think she was very, very ace when she did Purple Rain because she was in the bottom two. And good on her for not singing in Spanish when she doesn’t really want to.
Her mentor is Dannii Minogue who is a pop star and cries constantly without moving her face. I’ve been told this is what happens to stroke victims. It’s actually very embarrassing for them because it breaks all sorts of social conventions. That’s a sad blog detour. I apologise.
She was a little dull on week one. If she changed her name to something more Spanish like Shakira, that would have helped. Her performance could have been livened up by someone shouting Shakira, Shakira. This has improved two Shakira songs – if not more.

3. DIANA is ‘quirky’.
I think she was given a Kate Bush album when she was fifteen. I bet she liked it because she’s ‘like really quirky’ and Kate Bush was also ‘like really quirky’ before Diana was even born.
Diana was born in a different decade to me and it upsets me because I can’t sing and I’ve never been on The X Factor and been told that I’m captivating or gave it 110% or made the song my own.
I think Linger by the Cranberries was the first single she ever bought, on tape from WHSmith. She was pretty good even though her song Man in the Mirror kind of depends on the person singing it being a man. Because how can you start with the Man in the Mirror if you don’t see a Man in the Mirror because you’re a girl?
The producers allegedly call her Princess Diana because she acts like a princess. Not because she is the Queen of anyone’s heart.
I think she’s very good and I’d like her to win.
Her mentor is Cheryl Cole who is a popstar and who is NOT a racist. This was shown in a court of law.
She was the best on week one because she didn’t scream like a banshee. She was compared to Marmite.

4. ALEX wants this very badly.
She was very good the year that Shayne Ward was on the show and won. Shayne Ward drinks at the same pub as Scott Bruton! Alexandra did not make it the live rounds then. She has now made it to the live rounds. She is the new Leona in that she sings and appears to really like 90s divas.
She sung I’ll Be There, which was done by Leona on the show a few years ago, which was rearranged by Mariah Carey sixteen years ago, which was sung by the Jackson Five several decades ago. She was not praised for being original. The key to being original is doing a cover of a cover of a cover that has never been sung by Mariah Carey. Don’t cut corners, Alexandra.
Anyway I find the whole covering divas note-for-note thing rather tired. I voted for Leona once and bought the single and bought the album. I even saw her on the X Factor tour because I got someone to go with me. I did not buy the T Shirt so I can’t say been there, done that, bought the T Shirt with much conviction.
Her mentor is Notaracist.

5. SCOTT drinks in Shayne Ward’s pub.
I have little else to add. He sings with a very strong American accent. He sings in tune and either winks (week one) or lusts (week two) at the camera / at the girls at home who might fancy him and vote for him.
I’m willing to admit that ‘I would’ but I’m not sure how much either of us would enjoy it.
He is mentored by Simon Cowell who is ALWAYS RIGHT. Let’s call him G-d. (The ‘-’ thing is what really religious people do, such as my old RS teacher. I quite like it and I also think calling Simon God is a little too obvious.)
He was equally good on week one but all the judges said he was rubbish and had been given the wrong song. (As if ‘She’s Out of My Life’ is this intricate masterpiece. It rhymes out of my life with out of my life.) Sometimes I’m out of sync with the judges and I apologise for that.

6. EOGHAN is too young to stay for the live bits on ITV2.
It’s really sweet. I think it’s to do with slave labour laws.
Anyway, Eoghan is really quite good. I wasn’t sure I liked him during the week at the judges’ homes that aren’t actually their homes because they’re rented by ITV. I didn’t like him then because he seemed to be whispering. Now he actually seems to be ‘telling a story’ when he sings if that makes sense.
He sang Ben. This is kind of obvious because Eoghan is a little boy and it’s a little boy song. And it’s what Ray Quinn sang in series 3 during a similar theme week.
But it’s also kind of risky because Eoghan might never have had a pet rat. He might have been very much ‘out of his comfort zone’ singing about the ‘now it’s us, now it’s me’ feelings that come with rat ownership. This sort of inexperience could have resulted in a lacklustre vocal and an uncomfortable performance. He could have gone home. Well done to him and his mentor Simon for taking such a big risk.
He was even better on week one and sang Imagine. He made me briefly imagine a world without countries, or religion, or anything to kill or die for. Even though I don’t think he sang the more controversial verses on the show.
Fact alert! David Archuleta done a version of Imagine on American Idol and didn’t sing the ‘no religion’ bit because he is a mormon and didn’t want to blaspheme. Perhaps Eoghan is a mormon too.

7. LAURA needs your votes to stay in the competition.
She sang You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. For the first bit of the song she whimpered like a jazz diva that doesn’t sing jazz. (She is very new and exciting and is not at all like Duffy or Amy Winehouse!) For the second bit of the song she sang notes very loudly and longly. (She is the future Mariah, Whitney, Celine or Leona!)
She was very good one on week one. She wailed and screamed and I found the whole thing both frightening and impressive. On week one, she was dressed poorly. She seemed to be wearing black rubber and seemed to be pregnant or carrying a gun down her dress.
Laura’s mentor is Notaracist.

8. DANIEL has a dead wife.
He is also a very nice guy. We are told this week every week by the judges before they tell him and us that he is rubbish and looks like Ricky Gervais and is hideously underqualified to sing covers on ITV.
Deadwife is mentored by Dannii who has a sister I think.
He was worse on week one. Mainly because he was singing I Wanna Know What Love Is and that song always makes me think of 5CD budget compilations.

9. GIRL BAND are very literal.
They are a Girl Band and so are called Girl Band. They sang Heal The World because they too want to Heal The World. Then, when they were in the bottom two, they sang I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing because they said they ‘don’t want to miss a thing’ on the show, i.e. get kicked off.
They were kicked off. I won’t miss them.
They were similarly bad on week one and were in the bottom two.
They were mentored by Louis Walsh who is a manager of boybands. (None of whom had the good sense to call themselves Boy Band even though they were in fact a boy band!)

10. JLS have secret celebrity pasts.
I love this dirt that’s been found on them. One was in a band managed by one of Blue called VS and had a top ten single! I didn’t like that song.
They also had a #11 single which I did like! The band member whose name I don’t want to look up clearly likes band name acronyms almost as much as Girl Band like being literal and Deadwife likes singing ballads.
Another one was on a Kids TV show. Again I don’t want to look up names. Just go on DigitalSpy if you care enough.
They performed The Way You Make Me Feel because they can both sing and dance at the same time, though not sing well and dance at the same time. They had a ‘hot’ dance routine which involved rubbing against disinterested lady dancers.
They are mentored by Louis Walsh.

11. RACHEL takes things on board.
She was very gobby at BootCamp and now claims constantly she’s taking things on board when she’s given feedback.
She chose her song this week because her mentor Dannii Minogue chose her song last week and this aggravated her greatly.
She sang Dirty Diana and shouted and screamed but not in a way that was pleasant.
She sings a bit like a baby, without enunciating her words. She sings a bit like she has a cold. She had weird hair too. It was the hair of a teenage lesbian who’s ‘like completely open about everything and will say what she means to your face - but please don’t tell my parents! Please. I’ll pay you’
Simon told her off for picking the wrong song and not actually singing well in a singing competition. She was my least favourite person. I was going to write performance but then person seemed more damning. Her speaking voice annoys me too.



My first recap. I’m excited. I apologise for the many typos. I know I should take a blog far more seriously.
In other news, my Mum who's watched this show for five years now still calls it X Files.