These are the salient facts before we begin...
1. It is Elton John week
And for the second time, it’s with guest performers who aren’t Elton john.
And for the second time, they stick Gary Barlow into proceedings because he’s fat and plays piano too. I don’t know why they insist on an Elton theme when he hates the show so.
2. It was sort of boyband week too
As not one, not two but three boybands with strong links to this show came on to perform. Why not just have a boyband theme, Simon? Or would it have shown your One Direction fellows up? JLS sang a turgid song adequately. Westlife sang an anonymous song slightly better and, after all the hoopla, Take That’s fine performance was a little soiled by Robbie’s nerves and staring eyes that were Grimshaw-levels of crazy.
On with the rankings, this time with childish nicknames...
1. MATT – Matt Curdle
This week’s VT promises vocal gymnastics. I like when VTs state the obvious. They become like comforting uncles or that voice on the train that tells you your station is coming.
Matt’s singing about the Yellow Brice Road, which despite the Wizard of Oz reference is one of Elton’s less gay numbers. He looks like he’s crying – or has conjunctivitis. His eyes are very glassy and red. Maybe he’s still crying from remembrance days? That minute can drag if you have pain in your heart!
He sounds amazing. I may buy this single off the old iTunes. Or do some sort of clever YouTube conversion – either way, I want to listen again.
All the judges think it was great too. I imagine they will download the song illegally – or get a PA to do it. Despite their praise, they wouldn’t pay for it.
2. ONE DIRECTION – 4 Weddings and a Funeral
In their VT, like all the acts, they go to a Harry Potter premiere and meet star Daniel Radcliffe. One Direction all really fancy Hermione. What laddishness! Don’t they know there’s supposed to be a gay one? Daniel Radcliffe does not fancy Hermione and presumably knows her real name. There’s little else to note about this VT – other than the fact that the band want to be seen as singers. And not just the ugly one who doesn’t even have looks to fall back on.
They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight which is – on a technicality - the bestselling single of all time. They are slick and in tune, though Harry’s strange convulsions are a little distracting. If you’re not pulling ridiculous Ruth Lorenzo notes out of yourself, you shouldn’t spasm like that.
Louis says they’re going in one direction – all the way to the final. He is quite the wordsmith. Dannii says they are scarily consistent. It’s true they haven’t had a shocker yet but I wouldn’t say they’re as reliable as Matt or even Cher. Simon says they’ll win and the guys look surprised. I hope I don’t see these happy, surprised faces at the end of the finale. Matt Curdle FTW!
3. CHER – The gypsy, the tramp, the thief
In her VT, Cher says she was disappointed Cowell didn’t love her Jay-z knockoff and now thinks she’s out of the running. Cheryl tells her it’s fine – and doubtless explained backstage that an act belonging to the nation’s sweetheart wins every year. In other news Cher doesn’t want to work in a shop. Think of the discounts though Cher! We hear she’s going to exposed and on her own on stage and I briefly look forward to an a capella moment such as Ben Mills’ Queen cover or Danyl singing George Michael with just a metronome.
Turns out we don’t get a moment. She’s just lacking in naff dancers. That’s not being exposed – that’s just not using Wagner’s tactics. She sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word but with a weird RnB backing. Its just like Blue’s cover. Only it becomes a strange, half-assed bootleg as she shoves in some ‘dope rhymes’ from one of Eminem’s worst songs. Tell a lie, a half assed bootleg sounds exactly like Wagner’s tactics. I like Cher a lot but I wish she’d stop this.
The judges love it and it sounds a little bit like Louis calls the famous white rapper M&Ms. Ha!
4. KATIE – Katie Weasel
She says going to Harry Pott premiere was magical. Sigh. Somehow being more articulate makes her more of a dick than the idiots she’s competing against. She confuses me so! There are about ten references in her VT to fighting and being a fighter. I wonder what song she’ll do.
She does Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. Subtle this one. It is painful and thin from the first note. Once again she’s dressed as Madonna, when she was seeking Susan. Or being Susan – I haven’t seen the film.
Louis says he saved her and now regrets this. Ha! He also said the song choice was shit. Cheryl gets all bathroom attacker and screams ‘what song would you have given her?’ while banging her fists. This was wonderful. Simon loved it for whatever reason and Dannii admires her for how she copes with being so clearly and universally hated.
Now being shit doesn’t usually earn a fourth place on the meritocracy that is my rank. But a series of wonderful things happened Sunday that she must be rewarded for. She of course ended up in the bottom two and sang a Christina album track. House point, Weasel. She then sang it in tuneful coos and sighs and shakes and shimmies. The camera panned away and up into the sky and there was a stillness in the air. It was the exact opposite of her Jungle Book cabaret but somehow just as wonderful. House point, Weasel. Also she somehow got more votes than the Grimshaw Slasher and he was kicked off. She so should go to achievement assembly for that one.
5. AIDEN – Buffalo Bill
In his VT, we learn that Cheryl thinks he’s less crazy and he’s happy. Because now he’ll be less of a suspect when the killings begin again…
He sings far better than usual. It’s a fair standard cover of Rocket Man and he sang real notes. I was busy filing so I can’t comment on his crazy faces because it wasn’t watching. If you don’t watch he’s ok and doesn’t give off his Ed Gein vibes.
He looked less angry and less like a petulant child when it was done too.
Louis thought he changed the melody too much whereas the others were full of praise.
I think it was his best. His Crowded House cover the next day was shockingly bad though. Almost as bad as his Jealous Guy. He hopped around the stage like a loon or a Monty Python sketch and butchered the song. He had a total stinkface throughout and at one point stuck his necklace in his mouth and sucked on it. What a baby. Though it was a change for him to suck on something rather than just suck at things.
6. REBECCA - Taxidermy
She finally gets to sing last. This was a long time coming for such a frontrunner. In her moody windtunnel shots, she looks a fright. In her VT, we see her squeaking her way through the climax of a Bob Dylan song. She sang most of the song well – I have no idea why they chose to show her making such odd noises. She then tell us she felt like she was gatecrashing the Harry Potter premiere, rather than part of some clever cross-promotion ploy
She sings Candle In The Wind, which is what I thought she’d get. She’s singing about Marilyn, not Diana by the way. Presumably because Cheryl is now Queen of our Hearts and the ITV crowd have completely forgotten about that posh bird. It’s very boring and she stands in the exact same spot as she does most weeks. Maybe she has OCD or a germ phobia or something because she seems glued to that point. She keeps her eyes mostly closed and we see endless close-ups of her enormous and heavily-painted eyelids. There’s not much to say about the vocals – it’s fine but I love Matt’s bells and whistles. Or Cher’s hip-hop Disney princess vibe.
Cheryl says she’s an inspiration to single mothers everywhere. Surely the pramfaces have more in common with Cheryl than tastefully boring Rebecca?
7. PAIJE – Lenny Henry
Paije is made to sing first again. The producers must have it in for him. Or maybe he was meant to be the shock elimination? Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe is a fan and not just because Paije was IN a Harry Potter film as an extra. Daniel pretends to know who the extras are. Simon gives him the seal of approval too but notes how ridiculous the lyrics are to his song choice. Well, it is Elton John week – that’s kind of hard to avoid.
He’s slightly out of time and his voice doesn’t quite fit the song. His ridiculous pink suit fits better but is torture for the eyes. He looks like a blancmange.
Simon says he can’t possibly win, which I think has always been true. Paije then sasses back in a mumbly way about versatility. The problem wasn’t that Paije was too versatile – the problem was that he was too shit this week. He really must pay attention.
8. WAGNER – Rudderless hippy
In his VT, he’s compared to Louis Walsh. Oh please, there’s only one Lewis Walse. Wagner makes me love him again though because he says he’s being given too many words to sing and will doubtless struggle. I like his ‘don’t blame me, I’m rubbish’ angle – it could keep him in the contest longer than Jedward or maybe even Chico managed.
He sounds better than Mary – and even when his eyes bulge he looks less weird than Aiden. He sings I’m Still Standing – which lyrically is going to goad all the booers
He goes straight after Cher and offers a similarly lame bootleg mash up sort of thing when it goes into Circle of Life. Those songs couldn’t be less linked. His accent really gets in the way of the song’s mawkish emotion too – particularly when he sings ‘bland of hope’ and ‘sepal of life.’
The judges give their usual critiques and the audience have the good manners not to boo much until the results show.
9. MARY - Jabba
Her VT is all about how miserable she was last week and how surreal it is that a tuneless sow like her is famous. Hard to believe Mary I agree.
Ha! She’s singing a song from The Lion King. She has a Pumbaa vibe about her but still can’t pull it off. She sounds dreadful and dressed all in black she looks like the Grim Reaper. Oh wait, he’s thin. She looks like the grim reaper and Santa’s daughter.
She yells throughout but in her defense the last note where she yells is more pleasant than the others.
The judges give pity praise and Simon calls her a pub singer.
Just to compare, Dannii stood up after all her acts tonight. Louis politely claps for Mary. Even he realises she’s the pits.
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