Thex Factor - Rock - 'I know it's only rock n roll'

1. Misha B - this was not as good as Beautiful Spanish Ruth but it was the performance of the night

2. Johnny - this was brilliant and mad and excellently sung. The other 10 were not. Johnny is, was and shall forever be

3. Kitty - she is not as bonkers as she could still be but this was brilliantly sung

4. The Risk - Gnarls Barkley is not rock

5. Craig - this was not boring but it was not as good as Leona's cover of the same. Progress at least

6. Janet - this is not interesting any more

7. Frankie - it is not easy ranking this douchebag so high

8. Sami - Cher is not to be covered like this

9. Sophie - big notes are not her friends

10 Marcus - dancing with girls is not the same as being straight

11. Rhythmix - Ke$ha is not rock. This was not good

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I wanna rock, ROCK, rock, ROCK'

Bullies were called out
Barlows were nasty, spiteful
Best show by a mile

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'I learned the way to break a heart'

1. Kitty - funny and weird and excellently-staged, if not sung, Kitty ruled the night

2. Johnny - at least he made me laugh

3. Janet - at least she made me smile

4. Rhytmix - last week, I liked the ropey boy bands. This week it's the girl turn to be better than they really should

5. Misha B - A Charles & Eddie cover? If I tweeted, I'd just write #wtf. What will she do next week? Chaka Demus and Pliers?

6. The Risk - the new favourites to win are just a bit boring for my tastes

7. Sophia - the new underdog to win was just a bit boring for my tastes

8. Sami - her career ambition is to be a loose woman. Her ambitions are smaller than
most, but still unattainable

9. Marcus - Gary needs to choose a direction for Marcus fast, not just give him recent hits to sing reasonably well

10. Craig - fat like Sami, gay like Marcus but even less fun than both. That's a sad tale

11. Nu Vibe - I think they are little better than Frankie but they were never going to last. No great loss

12. Frankie - I have never liked this man or any of his performances. But I like that he almost made Goo Goo Dolls reach #1. Maybe that's why God has let him stay another week

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'Love hurts'

I watched the show drunk.
It wasn't any better,
Only confusing.

Can you name every X Factor finalist every year?

I could name all but three with help.

I forgot Beverley Trotman, Lloyd Daniels and (ouch) James Michael from a week ago.

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'Put on the red light'

Loving the shock twist
Hating Amelia’s hair
She looks like a ho

Rankings to follow

Thex Factor - Judges' Homes - 'Hey hey, hey, on the beach, on the beach'

Gary made some bad calls.
Kelly likes teenage slappers
But not the obese.

Thex Factor - Boot camp - 'No alarms and no surprises'

Of course Janet ruled
And of course Goldie bemused
And Louis Louis-ed