Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through