1. It is Heroes week
And this means that the acts that aren’t meant to do well sing songs by their heroes. With varying results. Acts like One Direction and Matt Cardle, who are meant to make the final, sing any old shit with better results. It is becoming far easier to see behind the great Wizard’s curtain this year, isn’t it?
2. Three homosexuals down, at least one more to go
Diva Fever and Storm prove that being exaggerated versions of something bad never pays off for anyone. I will miss Diva Fever only because of the great chance they would relive the wondrous audition by Ab-Lisa and someone would get elbowed across the face in a girly way. Belle Amie also received few votes but were rightly saved by the judges.
3. Vickers 2, Perry 0
Musical heroes to no one Diana Vickers and Katy Perry were the guest performers. As well as having infinitely better morals than Perry, Vickers outperformed her in a decisive way this weekend. Diana was new sorts of amazing and made me long for season 5 – the year when our humble blog Thex Factor was born, after all. She was so good that it becomes a bit mean to the current contestants – like when Leona and Alexandra returned with their new singles and sounded unfairly better than Olly Murs and Leon Jackson The song is catchy and odd and perfectly-sung. Who cares that she’ll get sued! By contrast, Katy’s is dull and generic and appallingly-sung. She sounds worse than Aiden, when screaming out of tune. Katy could be used in a PSHE lesson about what can go wrong when you make ‘irritating slut’ the basis of your personality. Learn from her children, she was too big a whore for the kindhearted folks from Sesame Street. What an embarrassment.
I can’t be bothered googling amusing lyrics so I’m going for similes this week. On with the rankings.
1. MATT – Like a siren with a beard
There is some drama in his VT about how Matt is ‘attempting to do something’ and is nervous. How vague. What it could be? Turns out it’s a High C, which is a high note in case you hadn’t guessed that from the name. The vocal coaches are behind him but have some concerns. Cheryl pretends to understand what they’re talking about.
His song is by Bruno Mars and it is lovely from the first note. I stopped writing pissy notes just to listen. I can’t help but feel Bruno Mars is no one’s hero but then I can’t help Katy Perry is a twat and she was allowed on.
Louis Walsh said Matt stole the truth (which: true) while Simon claimed there were bum notes (which: not true and purely based on Simon wanting his boy band to win.)
2. JOHN – Like a lovely answer to a question you never asked
John in his VT says he was surprised to make it through. Weren’t we all? I think people were voting for his wonderful Billionaire cover the week before.
John gives an emotional performance during rehearsal and even cries a bit because the song means so much to him. There’s then some invented drama and conjecture about what might happen if he cries during the real song. It’s along the standard lines of ‘if the performance goes badly, it will be bad’ but with a twist of male weeping. John clearly won’t cry on stage because he’s not an idiot like Katie Weasel.
He’s singing A Song For You, which is a pretty boring choice. I smile when he gets the words wrong – and sings that he’s acted out his life in stages. How meaningful can a song be when you don’t understand it or know the words? His performance features some very pleasant, broken yelping and then runs a plenty. The arrangement does him a world of favours – it’s very bare, almost as bare as when Danyl just had a metronome for Careless Whisper. It’s very well sung and I can almost forgive him for pointing into the camera and implying to all the fat middle-aged women he’s really singing the song to them.
3. PAIJE – Like a blind date who’s too fat for you to consider a future with
In Paije’s VT, we learn he has to get used to moving and singing. He needs to improve his stamina and not get out of breath singing for one and a half minutes. Oh the trials of a fat pop star!
After all that stamina business, turns out he’s doing an Alicia Keys ballad and mainly sitting down. When he does stand, he waves his arms a bit but isn’t doing a full tranny club dance routine like Alexandra would have. Around him, the slutty dancers wear suits and writhe around with canes. Saucy! There is a nice bit where he has a big spasm and then lots of spasmy bits. It’s an intensely boring song so the growling and nonsense scatting and falsetto bits are really needed.
Simon Cowell and Dannii debate about the slutty dancers and whether they were was relevant. I think whores with canes are always relevant. Plus, it did kind of make sense because there was a Cabaret (the film, not the insult), piano bar vibe to the performance. Well done Paije.
4. CHER – Like a thin Vicky Pollard in the episode where she gets a black boyfriend
I’m definitely on board the Cher train now. I even forgive her for having massive eyes and reminding me of Katy Perry. Her VT was probably my favourite because it showed her dressed as a witch singing Defying Gravity. I love that she was a dramafag once. I wonder when the wigger gene kicked in
Her VT tells us she’s doing an innovative, mash up which is a big risk. Turns out she’s doing Hard Knock Life by Jay Z, only with slightly more bits from the showtune original. When she raps she reminds me of Lady Saw and I really enjoy the stomping. It doesn’t make as much sense, either artistically or commercially, as last week’s but I did like it.
Louis says she looks like a popstar and thinks she’s brave mixing Jay Z with Annie. Wasn’t Jay Z the brave one by mixing himself with Annie twelve years ago? Plus, I don’t think popstars are really meant to dress like Sir Mix A Lot. Dannii didn’t love it and isn’t sure that the big risk (of copying Jay Z’s risk pretty much verbatim) paid off
5. 1DIRECTION – Like N Sync, with fewer fugs
Their VT upset me. I learn Liam was five when Robbie Williams broke through. This is terrifying news and makes me feel so old. Harry has to go the doctors. What is with this band and trips to the hospital? First, the ugly one stood on an anemone and now the lead singer is getting vomitous stagefright. Perhaps they’re planning an insurance scam?
When the song kicks in, I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. Their personal heroes are Kelly Clarkson? I don’t believe that for a second. I doubt she’s even the possibly gay one’s hero. Also, why would Liam’s hero be someone who eats? I call so much bullshit about this song choice and Simon clearly ignoring the theme of his own show. Zain does lots of vibrato and it’s hard to tell if he’s showboating or just songruining. The whole thing is a bit of a mess – they sound a bit like they’re shouting, but in a timid girly way. They sound like Chumbawumba without the activism. The girls in the audience cream and scream though so they are clearly doing something right.
Louis quite rightly asks ‘Kelly Clarkson – a hero?’ and a swath of Clarkson fans in the audience boo. The ladies don’t say much of note while Simon says they’re the best band in the country. Somewhere, one of Westlife cries.
6. REBECCA – Like Corinne Bailey Rae given Lady Gaga’s make up bag
Rebecca continues the trend of making me look back at Series 5 and smiling as in her VT her tranny make up reminds me of Alexandra Burke. But less fun Her big VT drama is her shoulders. They’re a little concaved while they should back and closer together. This is terrible drama, even worse than the risk that Matt might not sing a song perfectly or that Paije would have to stand for a minute and not have a coronary.
Rebecca is ‘Feeling Good’ doing Nina Simone (ah! The word play!) but doesn’t sound too amazing. She’s doing a rocked up version and you can barely hear her. Her purple dress isn’t flattering either and her black lipstick makes her look like a drag queen goth. The song ends with some strange whistle notes that don’t work and can’t really be heard over the scary backing. It’s over without much fanfare and she looks at the floor and smiles.
The judges are all praise and smiles. She did sound AMAZING during the group song on Sunday though so I can sort of see why the judges love her so.
7. BELLE AMIE – Like a ropey girl band cobbled together after All Saints and Spice Girls made it big
Their VT harps on about their potential, but the clips of them singing say otherwise. They were horrendous last week and it all just came back to me. I felt sorry for Esther Campbell who spoke and had her name written as Esther Capmbell on screen. The producers won’t learn their names – what chance do they have? We then see very damaging rehearsal footage where they all argue about who sings and who doesn’t. I have never seen such backstage bitchery shown on this show. They usually go to great lengths to pretend that the Danyls of this world aren’t complete tools. Cheryl has no time for the girls’ complaints and says some people just sound better on certain songs and they have to get over it. Or start a solo career where the Irish girl who can sing won’t be given all the solos!
Belle Amie do a High School Musical cover of the Kinks. It’s not terribly sung and as far as I can tell, they all get a solo part. The 60s hair was the best bit though.
Their real triumph came in the final showdown when they took on Fergie. This was a wise choice, as it’s very easy to live up to the original when you cover Fergie. It’s tentative but more relevant than Diva Fever. Even the first screech cover has a quaint amateur caroller appeal to it. They really improve as the song goes on and I give them props for not weeping and singing as awfully as last week. Snaps too for the harmonies. And for managing to crammy all that song’s many many lyrics into such a small space. (Who knew Fergie was so lyrically dense? And not just intellectually so.)
8. WAGNER – Like a joke that’s not as funny when you repeat it
Even seeing ten seconds of ‘She Bangs the Love Shack’ during the VT made me laugh. Gosh, it was wonderful wasn’t it? Wagner continues to be great value when he speaks. ‘I didn’t known how mad I was until I saw myself,’ he says. Wonderful. The X Factor is like an intervention.
He once again has scary cleavage and his dancers have the best routine by a mile.
And there is a mariachi band – who we sadly don’t see. He continues to look astounded by life as he sings. His power notes are fine and I heart his broken English. In my notes I write ‘Much better than Aiden’ but my heart says ‘Not as funny as last week.’ There is more whorish dancer tit rubbing at the end – this time they’re not doing it to themselves. This weirdness is getting more graphic each week – they’ll be frigging elbow deep if he makes it all the way to the finale.
During the judging, it becomes clear Wagner is lovely. He talks back – in a lovely way – when Dannii disses his accent. He then gives a speech about Mary’s character. He can see beauty in something so ugly. What a gent.
9. TREYC – Like Maria Lawson after she’s been punched repeatedly in the throat
In her VT, we see Treyc being bummed for her ultra-wonky cover of One last week.
They show the botched power note twice, while interspersed with praise. It’s almost an X File how the judges are saying one thing while reality is clearly so different. Her VT is very cocky with much talking about how good she was last week and how amazing she was as a child in a nativity. Maybe THAT’S why Cher and Katie don’t like her – because she’s a show off.
Her song is Purple Rain and her hero is Prince. Her hero should be Ruth Lorenzo because Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this song was much better. The gospel choir do much of the heavy lifting at the beginning and she is horridly offkey towards the end. The middle is fine though with some pleasant growling.
Dannii is very nice unsurprisingly. She’s trying very hard to be the inoffensive voice of the people this year. I liked when she used to say slightly bitchy things, like when she told Diana to lose the claw and called Danyl a big fairy. Cheryl says she’s the least assuming person she knows. She means unassuming. I hope Cheryl will continue to grasp at vocabulary she doesn’t quite understand. She’s the Mrs. Malaprop of pop!
10. DIVA FEVER – Like Stonewall was for nothing
I read an article in the free paper they give you on the bus. They called Diva Fever ‘a gimmick act.’ Is being gay a gimmick? I thought it was just a curse. Or an inconvenience, at best
In their VT, they say last week was ‘best Saturday night of our lives’ Even better than when you went bareback in an alley? I don’t believe it, annoying one from Diva Fever! The one who doesn’t sing has laryngitis. Like a tree falling in a distant forest, no one will know.
When their performance begins, I write ‘Oh Christ, there are dancers in speedos.’ Diva Fever are – thank God – well covered. They’re doing Barbra Streisand – the song, not the woman. So I guess that makes Duck Sauce their heroes? They’ve had one hit. This is a bit confusing. The one with laryngitis croaks occasionally and adds nothing to the song. The backing singers do 90% of the thing. They yell out Barbra Streisand and Diva Fever and Louis Walsh. It makes no sense but I can see why you might find it amusing if you were a bit thick.
Dannii likes it because I’m guessing her normal fags have found new hags. The other judges like it too but the public don’t. Diva Fever end up in the bottom three. You’d think they’d like it in the bottom. Saucy! They sing I Will Survive because they’re gay don’tcha know. They are attempting some sort of RnB singing and it is very odd but not unpleasant. The unsinging one vamps and swoons and we see up his nostrils. If the other one bent over with his pants down I bet we could see his pancreas. Instead, we just see his bile when he’s voted off.
11. KATIE – Like a student who’s all kooky but votes Tory
Katie says she didn’t mind being in the bottom three and being less popular than Belle Amie. She says: ‘It set me free’ What does that mean? Oh, in the bottom three, she got to sing her own song. Oh shush bitch, you sang your audition song last week. It’s not like you were forced to sing Kris Kross. In her VT, we also learn Katie was a huge Care Bear and Kylie fan. Ha! We had the same childhood Maybe that’s why I hate her so
She’s singing Etta James, who is her other musical hero. I remember this fact from back when I liked her. It is a gorgeous song sung serviceably for a while then sung terribly. She attempts to scat but does so with far less panache – and vocal prowess – than say John or Paije. Who don’t even need to break a sweat to sound good. Though, ironically Paije breaks a sweat lifting a pencil. That’s my last Paije is fat joke until next week I swear.
12. STORM – Like Jamie Afro without even the novelty of an afro
Louis introduces him by calling him ‘Someone singing a Bruce Springsteen song.’ Ha! Storm doesn’t get a name – he’s just someone. It’s a promotion from being a no one.
In his VT we re-see Simon saying ‘you’re a failed rockstar.’ Storm asks how can you be a failure and sing in front of 20 million people? He’ll get his answer in two months time. If the answer he got Sunday night wasn’t clear enough.
He rides a staitonary motorbike and he sounds swine-flu nasal. We see a few obligatory shots of the audience and there seems to be a few people dancing a bit. In their seats, mind, no one cares enough to get up His voice doesn’t go wrong but the performance is intrinsically pointless. He yells ‘come on’ and ‘one more time’ a lot to the audience because he wants to go from failed rockstar to failed club singer. Louis looks bored and then does a few whoops when he realises the camera’s on him.
Dannii offers some pity praise to seem kinder and praises his voice and hair. Cheryl calls him on the bombast while Simon praises Cheryl for looking less orange. Ha! All the bullshit Simon will spout this season can now be forgiven because he dissed Cheryl. If he calls her a racist thug one week, I will send my pants to him.
13. BIG FAT MARY – Like a barwoman handed a microphone
Why does Wagner fancy her? She revolts me – even the fact that she says tousand rather than thousand can’t make me warm to her in anyway. In her VT, Dannii calls her a cabaret artist and then vocal coach Yvie points out every time Mary sounds cabaret during rehearsal. This happens a lot and you can see Yvie chuckle to herself.
Her performance is, to be kind, ropey. Her accent is bizarre and she sounds exactly like she’s trying to sing over a stag night at the back of the pub. She’s hoarse in the most horrible way. Pained even.
There is a huge amount of audience whooping when it’s over and she cries. I hope they’re just whooping BECAUSE it’s over but I doubt that’s true. On the plus side, I don’t think she’s faking her tears She actually convulses.
Dannii wants some modern songs, which I agree with, while Cheryl respects her as a woman. Simon doesn’t respect her at all, which I agree with, but likes that she’s old
14. AIDEN – Like a serial killer singing in his cell
We see a VT of Aiden showing us his Mad World, while wearing a shirt that looks quite a bit like a straitjacket. He’s bravely singing John Lennon – and he’s personally invested because he’s singing one of his favourite songs ever. I like that he’s following the theme and doing his hero
We see some wonderful footage of him fucking up the song time after time in rehearsal. At times I think Yvie will stab him.
He’s just as shit on stage – it’s all very strained and he sings a bit like Rebecca at times. In my notes I wrote ‘Her eyes are closed again’ and I don’t think there’s any moral reason to change the pronoun. The performance is all so affected and he’s terribly out of tune and out of time. His whole face vibrates every time he attempts a ‘note.’ John Lennon was not been this mistreated since he was murdered. In essence, big problems will come when you sing a brilliant, simple song with a shit, ridiculous voice. I think this is the worst solo performance I’ve ever seen on the show. It is on a par with that week Lloyd lost his voice in the bottom two or when Rachel Hylton did terrible things to Take That.
He has total stinkface, almost as if he realises how bad it was. I don’t think that’s possible – we need to send him the footage. Louis Walsh says positive things without making any reference to the actual performance, where no positive things can be said. Cheryl says it was shaky, Simon says it was worse and then Dannii begs for votes.
Aiden wins some self-awareness points by saying it was a ‘bit rubbish’ but then stomps and actually sticks out his bottom lip. How old is this fool?
He then compounds the error on Sunday night during the group cover of Lady Gaga.
He sounds terrible and continues to look like a Thomas Harris murderer. Telephone is a fun, ridiculous song. Watching a performance of it should never make you want to put the lotion in the basket. Aiden deserves the hose again after this weekend.
Monday, 18 October 2010
Monday, 11 October 2010
Thex Factor - Number Ones - 'I don't understand why you're number one'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s the first of the live shows
And these are almost always wonderful because the judges feel the need to cause controversy and because so many performers do not feel the need to sing well. Think back to Leon desecrating the Beatles, Sharon threatening to quit, Lloyd making Bleeding Love bleed and Dannii calling Danyl a big girl. Aah – happy times. Tonight’s show was of a pretty high quality – everyone was fine bar one insanely amusing act, two very bad ones.
2. There are categories and judges
And if you don’t know who these are by now, I am not the person to explain it to you. Ask your hairdresser. In judge fashion news, Dannii is a good-looking Miss Havisham (with a lacey wedding dress and crazy hair) while Cheryl looks bizarre and her forehead is different colours in different places. Bits of it are so dark, I keep expecting her to attack her forehead in a club toilet
3. There is a big twist
And it’s one we all read about in the paper. Each category now has an extra contestant, chosen by the judge for their category. These extras are called ‘Wild Cards,’ which can be roughly translated as ‘more filler.’
4. The theme is number ones
And not just UK number ones - the song can have been number one anywhere in the world. So it’s pretty much just ‘hits’ week. Despite a plethora of choices, the judges still make some wonky decisions. (A rock Kelly Rowland cover? Really?) Usher and Joe McElderry perform live because they’ve both had number ones. How tidy.
5. History is made
For the first time ever, the first evictee did not have a vagina. (Think I’m making this up? Roberta, Addictiv Ladies, Unconventionals, Kimberley, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain went first their years.) The nearest we got to kicking out a cunt was having Katie in the bottom 3.
On with the rankings…
1. WAGNER – ‘When marimba rhythmns start to play’
Wagner has won my heart in a way that no PE teacher ever has before. He seems to have won Louis’s too who announced him by saying: ‘For music lovers everywhere, it’s Wagner.’ He gives good VT by telling us he’s from Brazil via Dudley and compares being picked a wild card to being resurrected from the dead. He also forgets his words and looks either drunk or baked throughout.
He then out-Jedwards Jedward with a remarkable cover of She Bangs. He has his hand on his hip like a little teapot and sings in Broken English. He wears giant hooker earrings that would make Chloe Maffia say ‘oh no, they’re too much.’ He then starts angrily playing the bongos before breaking into Love Shack. The whole thing is glorious and ends with all his backing dancers sticking their tongues out and rubbing their tits. Dannii Minogue looks horrified but goes on to give Wagner some Jedwardian feedback praising him for being entertaining. I know it seems silly to have such a bad singer a high ranking but this is one of only two performances I rewatched on YouTube. And it’s the only one that made me wee myself, just a tiny tiny bit.
2. 1DIRECTION – ‘Jerusalem bells are ring a dingin’
1 Direction tackle Viva La Vida and it turns out the song sounds okay when it’s serviceably sung and no one raps. JERUSALERM BLUD! In fact, it sounds better than okay because it appears all the members of this band can sing, apart from maybe the ugly one who has been cursed twice. Zain sings well but looks nervous. Harry dances and stares furiously. The Eoghan Quigglet is ok – and does amusing hand gestures like he’s in Butlins. Liam does most of the singing and sounds better than he should and looks worse than I can deal with. Everyone goes on about Cher looking frail but if anyone needs forcefeeding by a drip, it’s Liam. I’m sure I can make out his skull. These 5 boys make more noise than JLS ever could – the woah woah bits are particularly good – and earn rapturous praise. It’s not the world’s most exciting performance but they are ones to watch.
3. CHER – ‘Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we hear it from the people of the town’
In her VT, she says some people don’t think she’s strong enough for the competition, which I’m not sure was the real issue. Rather, most people didn’t think she was good enough for it.
She then performs Just Be Good To Me, which is an awesome song on many levels, as a very meta mash-up thing with Just Be Good To Green. It is ace and much better sung than almost anything sung so far. The rapping is infinitely better than the attempts made by Simon’s bands. The dancing is frantic but doesn’t affect her singing, which is perfectly pop without ever going Disney.
Louis loved it and Dannii said she was watchable and in great voice. Simon reiterates she deserves to be in the final 12 which remains debatable. (This was good but I’m sure Gamu or Kerrie would have sounded better.) Bowled over by the praise, Cher says she feels wicked in her best Westwood voice. The Jerusalem bells are truly ring a dinging
4. MATT – ‘If you live at home with your mama, oh yes son I’m talking to you’
In his VT, Matt says it’s ‘not cool’ living at home at his age and that it’s awkward when he brings girls home to fuck and his parents are there. As sob stories go, that’s pretty relatable. He gets criticised by Cheryl Cole for shutting his eyes, about which I call so much bullshit. I think Cheryl should learn to sing well before criticising eye-closing. Also, she shouldn’t have Rebecca in her category or even call Aiden by name if it bothers her that much.
Matt is made to sing Kelly Rowland because Dannii loves giving contestants dance songs that don’t suit them (see also: Rachel doing Robyn, Nicolo gone Gaga). To make it butcher, it’s a strange rock cover that reminds me of something you’d hear on Radio 1 covers albums. The song is bizarre, and Matt himself is a little fidgety, but there is no denying he has vocal tricks the others would eat Cher whole to get.
5. MARY – ‘The town gets infested with Langers’
Rotund Irish diva Mary has quite a dull VT where we learn she lives in a two-bedroomed house. But how many bathrooms Mary? And is there gas central heating? We want all the tedious details. She also tells us she has laryngitis because the producers want her to stick around for awhile – the Celtic phone vote is a good bit of income for the show, after all. Laryngitis derailed Vickers entirely so I’m worried how will it affect someone who is a bad singer and who is too ugly to be a popstar anyway. She offers a shouty James Brown which gives me horrible flashbacks to last year and Danyl screaming at the end of every song, showing us his breakfast and his horse teeth. She tries to act, by shrugging and giving us nigh on constant Jazzhands. Bits are purely drill sargeant shouting but some bits are vaguely forgivable, when you compare it to FYD. I wrote in my notes ‘Some people will eat this up and I was dead right: the audience don’t stop screaming and she cries
Dannii calls it ‘one of the best vocal performances on the show’ Gosh, there are a lot of conditions to that praise aren’t there. It’s essentially saying you’re seventh best of the night. Simon Cowell calls her ‘a trier’ and she looks pissed, almost as if she understands he meant that as an insult. Maybe she’s not as dumb as her singing attempts make her seem.
6. TREYC – ‘You’re starting to bore me’
Treyc is given the Pimp Spot and gets to perform last. It’s almost as if someone feels guilty that this woman’s been turned down twice in two years. In favour of that jughead Murs last year and women who can’t finish a song this year. Speaking of which, Treyc tells the nation in her VT that Cher and Katie are jealous, jealous bitches. Well, she said ‘their reception weren’t great’ but we know what she means. These VTs usually pretend everyone gets along, and never have such explicit reference to bitchery, so clearly some shit’s gone down backstage.
Treyc sings One, the song that got Rachel Adedeji evicted, and it’s effortlessly well-sung (until the final runs) but slightly boring. She’s a less good Maria Lawson from what I can see. After Leona, Alexandra and Jedward, I’m not sure that ‘less good Maria Lawson’ cuts it any more.
7. AIDEN – ‘It’s scaring me, I wanna go home’
While a lot of positive things have been said and written about Aiden, no one has mentioned the ah-MAZ-ing Aiden impression that Louis does in the VT. If I could find it on YouTube, I would link to it but for now you’ll have to trust me that it was brilliant. There’s much muttering in the VT about Aiden performing to himself and not opening his eyes. He is encouraged by all the judges and coaches to open his eyes. Oh how wrong they were…
Aiden is doing Mad World with his face pointed down but he’s looking up, which makes him look evil. Do it in front of a mirror yourself, it’s not flattering. He has huge vulture’s bags under his eyes and squirms around in a chair. He opens his eyes and angrily exhales between words and his lip wobbles like he’s about to cry. Or have a tantrum. The singing is fine when it’s soft but his voice is thin and unpleasant generally. Also, there is dry ice everywhere and dead trees. See for yourself that it’s one of the scariest faces and performances the world has ever seen. He looks like he's a five year old who’s just drowned his little brother. Who’s hoping if he twitches enough, he’ll bring his brother back to life. He only wanted to play!
The audience like it but they seem to like everything tonight.
Louis praises Aiden but grins as if he realises how fucked up that business was. Cheryl liked it too and Simon compares him to Twilight and Michael Stipe. A gay vampire? I bet that’s Aiden’s dream. The only person to reference how awkward and batshit crazy Aiden looked is Dermot. Maybe he should be a judge?
8. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move outta my way’
Louis jokes that this band are very Simon and very camp. Ha – he’s just called Simon gay! How witty! Oh the banter that must happen backstage at this show.
Diva Fever are not that awful during their VT – maybe they’ve read my blog and have decided to be less obnoxious and ignorant.
Scratch that – on stage they wear purple spangly suits. There’s a weird striptease dance routine where they hide behind a sheet and come out in aerobics outfits. They’re okay singers I suppose, in a PWL way. They get very flat at times but it is all relative. Speaking of relative, these two fairies look amusingly butch compared to their dancers. Who at one point fan themselves with their limp wrists.
I’m giving Diva Fever the benefit of the doubt this week – and a pretty high ranking – because I found out one of them sings in Arabic at weddings. He’s bilingual! And possibly intelligent! Shame the other one’s only into analingual.
9. REBECCA – ‘Please don’t wake me, no don’t shake me’
In my notes during her VT, I wrote ‘difficult losing her kids blah blah.’ Says it all really. Louis says Rebecca has not much personality and her interview does not to falsify this claim.
She’s singing Teardrops, which I know as a minor dance hit from the 90s. By Lovestation. Was it a number one? Turns out it got to number one in the Netherlands. This is a very bizarre choice of song that would only really make sense if it was Minor 90s Dance week and you only had 10 songs to choose from.
She sounds very shrill and looks about 40. It is a severe stepback from her wonderful Fireflies last week.
Louis compares her to Sade and Norah Jones. Aaah, my sleeping and cooking music respectively. Dannii calls her a Style Queen even though she’s wearing maternity pants. Simon tells the miserable woman to ‘enjoy every second you have on this show.’ Enjoy it while it lasts? That’s good advice after tonight. I think Cheryl’s putting all her eggs in Cher’s basket.
10. KATIE – ‘I served my sentence but committed no crime’
Katie is very aware that there’s ‘a lot of controversy around her category.’ She’s a bright spark, her. I wouldn’t have realised that the elimination of better singers and the deportation of the very best one could be seen as controversial without being told.
She’s singing We Are The Champions almost as if she wants to prove she knows the words and can finish it this time, unlike her original audition.
She is dressed appallingly. The best way to describe it is to say she looks like Lady Gaga without the thought process: she has a helmet, a silver jumpsuit, pink tights and feathers in her hair. She plays a keyboard and sings wimpily, while visibly shaking. Like Aiden, her voice sound okay when it’s soft and, sort of to her credit, she doesn’t go for big votes unnecessarily. But soft and restrained doesn’t really cut it when you’re doing Queen.
Louis rightly says she’s more style than substance, while Dannii doesn’t even like the style. Simon thinks she’s original and different but – as I’ve said before – you could go to anyone mediocre student union or vegan café and find a Katie a day.
The voting public agree with me and she ends up in the bottom three. Her song is entirely pointless and involves her singing ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ a lot, quite poorly.
Without the helmet and visor, there’s not a lot to her.
11. NICOLO – ‘Mambo Italiano’
This Italian young man is very handsome and has an attitude that I quite like but is the complete opposite of what a (successful) X Factor should have. He always looks bored and contemptuous.
His performance however was a big disappointment. Much like Katie, he’s offering us Lady Gaga without the thought process. He wears silly shades. He has lots of dancers who look ‘broken down.’ He’s even doing a Lady Gaga song but he sounds flat and he can’t quite the words out in time and sounds a bit drunk as a result.
Cheryl is the voice of reason on the judging people and didn’t like it or the silly shades. He looks very angry when he’s told this but not as angry as he looks the next night when he’s eliminated with little fanfare and doesn’t even to get sing again.
12. JOHN – ‘Brown sugar, baby’
Just like our Italian friend, John Adeleye is very handsome and pretty cool but let me down this weekend.
In his VT, Louis calls him a dark horse and John acknowledges he’s ‘not the person everyone’s talking about.’ Everyone’s talking about the gypsy wigger and after comparing their performances, I can’t help but feel that ‘everyone’s’ got it right.
John sings Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. While wearing a suit that would be worn by a 90s boy band, like Boyz II Men. While sporting the dreadful haircut that would be sported by a 90s vocal harmony group, like Boyz II Men.
His voice sounds thin (next week, drink every time I write that!) and this song sounds pretty terrible without Mariah pleasantly shrieking over it. The whole thing has been set up like Louis’s dream performance. There is a gospel choir. There are purple snowflakes. There is bouncy dancing and a very cheesy smile. Then a horrendous falsetto squeal.
Dannii says it’s not current while Cheryl loves the song and John’s face. Simon then bitches that this song wasn’t a #1 in America, even though it was and even though the theme isn’t American #1s. Simon’s toolishness aside, there is a lot to be unhappy about here. This performance was so much worse than his jaunty Billionaire that I wept a little, deep inside. I wanted a new electrifying darkhorse like a Ruth Lorenzo. Instead I’ve been given a new Andy Abraham.
13. STORM – ‘May auld acquaintance be forgot’
Storm now has bizarre bright red hair, like the Riddler. Or Ronald McDonald He tells he was ‘born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ Yuk. How patronising. We know where that is. Well, most of us. Storm’s Californian/Scottish accent is as stupid as his hair and it may explain why no record labels have wanted him.
Storm has a silly dance routine (which at one point involves him crowdsurfing) and has authentic Rawk make up (which at all points involves him looking like a tool.)
He’s singing We Built This City and he’s not out of tune or anything but he does nothing to make a bad song sound better.
The judges say okay things apart from Simon Cowell who unleashes a barrage of awesome criticism. First he says Louis has ‘turned him into something out of Batman.’ Ha! Like the Riddler, Simon? Our minds are one. Then he up the ante by calling Storm ‘somebody that’s failed to be a rockstar’ and coolly ends with: ‘It is kind of absurd but maybe it’ll work.’ Storm must be a complete tosser backstage because I’m not sure I have ever seen an attack like that on a first show.
14. PAIJE – ‘Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby’
Honeyvoiced cinema usher Paije tells us he lives in a Maisonette. I have no idea what one of them is. Is it like a bungalow? Is it a poor thing? Simon calls Paije a yoyo because he’s been told no then yes so many times on this show. By Pixie Lott and Dannii Minogue no less!
When I realise he’s singing Killing Me Softly, I write ‘Ace’ in my notes. I hope that he’ll rap or at least yell one time two time refugee camp. But alas, all we get is a limp cover over an inexcusably cheap backing track. Also, he’s wearing a stolen MC Hammer jacket which is even worse than John wearing a stolen Boyz II Men jacket.
Cheryl says he came out tonight and was a diva. Oh Lord, not another one. Is Matt the only one selling a heterosexual, fucking-girls-with-your-mum-next-door lifestyle to the sweet, young youth of today?
15. FYD – ‘I can’t dance, I can’t sing’
First on, second out. FYD had a lot going against them.
They’re a group – they often go first.
They’re a group with black people in – that didn’t work for 4Tune, 4Sure, Addictiv Ladies or Voices With Soul.
They were on first – that landed Rachel Adedeji and Kimberley in the first bottom two of their years.
Simon doesn’t seem to like them much – and gave them a song that John Adeleye killed just last week.
Their dire performance didn’t help matters. Their harmonies are shrill and off key. Their rapping is embarrassing, like when a primary teacher uses slang. They try to make Billionaire uptempo, and add a weird reggaeton breakdown, and make it sound very shit. Then it’s over.
The judges try to sound positive while telling them they can’t really sing. And that they’re somehow dancing too much and too little. They end up in the bottom two and do similarly terrible, out of tune things to Rihanna.
The judges don’t bother to sound positive while promptly sending them home. Being worse than Katie? That can’t be good for their already sketchy self esteem.
16. BELLE AMIE – ‘I could really use a wish right now’
Simon tells us he’s picked their song wisely and that ‘didn’t want to do girl band does girl band’ This has a wonderful cosmic irony as they’ll be doing ‘girl does girl’ in three years’ time. Or they’ll be receptionists. Either way, they definitely won’t be a successful girl band. In their VT, we learn their sound check was a disaster. I didn’t make much of this – as they used to ludicrously make out that Alexandra and Leona sometimes struggled in rehearsals – but I should have taken the VT more seriously. For my own protection.
They proceed to butcher B.o.B’s Airplanes. Their voices are shrill yet tentative. Their harmonies are as loose as Chloe Maffia. Their rapping is worse than anything I have seen on this show. Towards the end it sounds as if one of them might be able to sing but then the other three quickly drown her out. Being named after a gay porn company is clearly the least of their problems.
1. It’s the first of the live shows
And these are almost always wonderful because the judges feel the need to cause controversy and because so many performers do not feel the need to sing well. Think back to Leon desecrating the Beatles, Sharon threatening to quit, Lloyd making Bleeding Love bleed and Dannii calling Danyl a big girl. Aah – happy times. Tonight’s show was of a pretty high quality – everyone was fine bar one insanely amusing act, two very bad ones.
2. There are categories and judges
And if you don’t know who these are by now, I am not the person to explain it to you. Ask your hairdresser. In judge fashion news, Dannii is a good-looking Miss Havisham (with a lacey wedding dress and crazy hair) while Cheryl looks bizarre and her forehead is different colours in different places. Bits of it are so dark, I keep expecting her to attack her forehead in a club toilet
3. There is a big twist
And it’s one we all read about in the paper. Each category now has an extra contestant, chosen by the judge for their category. These extras are called ‘Wild Cards,’ which can be roughly translated as ‘more filler.’
4. The theme is number ones
And not just UK number ones - the song can have been number one anywhere in the world. So it’s pretty much just ‘hits’ week. Despite a plethora of choices, the judges still make some wonky decisions. (A rock Kelly Rowland cover? Really?) Usher and Joe McElderry perform live because they’ve both had number ones. How tidy.
5. History is made
For the first time ever, the first evictee did not have a vagina. (Think I’m making this up? Roberta, Addictiv Ladies, Unconventionals, Kimberley, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain went first their years.) The nearest we got to kicking out a cunt was having Katie in the bottom 3.
On with the rankings…
1. WAGNER – ‘When marimba rhythmns start to play’
Wagner has won my heart in a way that no PE teacher ever has before. He seems to have won Louis’s too who announced him by saying: ‘For music lovers everywhere, it’s Wagner.’ He gives good VT by telling us he’s from Brazil via Dudley and compares being picked a wild card to being resurrected from the dead. He also forgets his words and looks either drunk or baked throughout.
He then out-Jedwards Jedward with a remarkable cover of She Bangs. He has his hand on his hip like a little teapot and sings in Broken English. He wears giant hooker earrings that would make Chloe Maffia say ‘oh no, they’re too much.’ He then starts angrily playing the bongos before breaking into Love Shack. The whole thing is glorious and ends with all his backing dancers sticking their tongues out and rubbing their tits. Dannii Minogue looks horrified but goes on to give Wagner some Jedwardian feedback praising him for being entertaining. I know it seems silly to have such a bad singer a high ranking but this is one of only two performances I rewatched on YouTube. And it’s the only one that made me wee myself, just a tiny tiny bit.
2. 1DIRECTION – ‘Jerusalem bells are ring a dingin’
1 Direction tackle Viva La Vida and it turns out the song sounds okay when it’s serviceably sung and no one raps. JERUSALERM BLUD! In fact, it sounds better than okay because it appears all the members of this band can sing, apart from maybe the ugly one who has been cursed twice. Zain sings well but looks nervous. Harry dances and stares furiously. The Eoghan Quigglet is ok – and does amusing hand gestures like he’s in Butlins. Liam does most of the singing and sounds better than he should and looks worse than I can deal with. Everyone goes on about Cher looking frail but if anyone needs forcefeeding by a drip, it’s Liam. I’m sure I can make out his skull. These 5 boys make more noise than JLS ever could – the woah woah bits are particularly good – and earn rapturous praise. It’s not the world’s most exciting performance but they are ones to watch.
3. CHER – ‘Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we hear it from the people of the town’
In her VT, she says some people don’t think she’s strong enough for the competition, which I’m not sure was the real issue. Rather, most people didn’t think she was good enough for it.
She then performs Just Be Good To Me, which is an awesome song on many levels, as a very meta mash-up thing with Just Be Good To Green. It is ace and much better sung than almost anything sung so far. The rapping is infinitely better than the attempts made by Simon’s bands. The dancing is frantic but doesn’t affect her singing, which is perfectly pop without ever going Disney.
Louis loved it and Dannii said she was watchable and in great voice. Simon reiterates she deserves to be in the final 12 which remains debatable. (This was good but I’m sure Gamu or Kerrie would have sounded better.) Bowled over by the praise, Cher says she feels wicked in her best Westwood voice. The Jerusalem bells are truly ring a dinging
4. MATT – ‘If you live at home with your mama, oh yes son I’m talking to you’
In his VT, Matt says it’s ‘not cool’ living at home at his age and that it’s awkward when he brings girls home to fuck and his parents are there. As sob stories go, that’s pretty relatable. He gets criticised by Cheryl Cole for shutting his eyes, about which I call so much bullshit. I think Cheryl should learn to sing well before criticising eye-closing. Also, she shouldn’t have Rebecca in her category or even call Aiden by name if it bothers her that much.
Matt is made to sing Kelly Rowland because Dannii loves giving contestants dance songs that don’t suit them (see also: Rachel doing Robyn, Nicolo gone Gaga). To make it butcher, it’s a strange rock cover that reminds me of something you’d hear on Radio 1 covers albums. The song is bizarre, and Matt himself is a little fidgety, but there is no denying he has vocal tricks the others would eat Cher whole to get.
5. MARY – ‘The town gets infested with Langers’
Rotund Irish diva Mary has quite a dull VT where we learn she lives in a two-bedroomed house. But how many bathrooms Mary? And is there gas central heating? We want all the tedious details. She also tells us she has laryngitis because the producers want her to stick around for awhile – the Celtic phone vote is a good bit of income for the show, after all. Laryngitis derailed Vickers entirely so I’m worried how will it affect someone who is a bad singer and who is too ugly to be a popstar anyway. She offers a shouty James Brown which gives me horrible flashbacks to last year and Danyl screaming at the end of every song, showing us his breakfast and his horse teeth. She tries to act, by shrugging and giving us nigh on constant Jazzhands. Bits are purely drill sargeant shouting but some bits are vaguely forgivable, when you compare it to FYD. I wrote in my notes ‘Some people will eat this up and I was dead right: the audience don’t stop screaming and she cries
Dannii calls it ‘one of the best vocal performances on the show’ Gosh, there are a lot of conditions to that praise aren’t there. It’s essentially saying you’re seventh best of the night. Simon Cowell calls her ‘a trier’ and she looks pissed, almost as if she understands he meant that as an insult. Maybe she’s not as dumb as her singing attempts make her seem.
6. TREYC – ‘You’re starting to bore me’
Treyc is given the Pimp Spot and gets to perform last. It’s almost as if someone feels guilty that this woman’s been turned down twice in two years. In favour of that jughead Murs last year and women who can’t finish a song this year. Speaking of which, Treyc tells the nation in her VT that Cher and Katie are jealous, jealous bitches. Well, she said ‘their reception weren’t great’ but we know what she means. These VTs usually pretend everyone gets along, and never have such explicit reference to bitchery, so clearly some shit’s gone down backstage.
Treyc sings One, the song that got Rachel Adedeji evicted, and it’s effortlessly well-sung (until the final runs) but slightly boring. She’s a less good Maria Lawson from what I can see. After Leona, Alexandra and Jedward, I’m not sure that ‘less good Maria Lawson’ cuts it any more.
7. AIDEN – ‘It’s scaring me, I wanna go home’
While a lot of positive things have been said and written about Aiden, no one has mentioned the ah-MAZ-ing Aiden impression that Louis does in the VT. If I could find it on YouTube, I would link to it but for now you’ll have to trust me that it was brilliant. There’s much muttering in the VT about Aiden performing to himself and not opening his eyes. He is encouraged by all the judges and coaches to open his eyes. Oh how wrong they were…
Aiden is doing Mad World with his face pointed down but he’s looking up, which makes him look evil. Do it in front of a mirror yourself, it’s not flattering. He has huge vulture’s bags under his eyes and squirms around in a chair. He opens his eyes and angrily exhales between words and his lip wobbles like he’s about to cry. Or have a tantrum. The singing is fine when it’s soft but his voice is thin and unpleasant generally. Also, there is dry ice everywhere and dead trees. See for yourself that it’s one of the scariest faces and performances the world has ever seen. He looks like he's a five year old who’s just drowned his little brother. Who’s hoping if he twitches enough, he’ll bring his brother back to life. He only wanted to play!
The audience like it but they seem to like everything tonight.
Louis praises Aiden but grins as if he realises how fucked up that business was. Cheryl liked it too and Simon compares him to Twilight and Michael Stipe. A gay vampire? I bet that’s Aiden’s dream. The only person to reference how awkward and batshit crazy Aiden looked is Dermot. Maybe he should be a judge?
8. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move outta my way’
Louis jokes that this band are very Simon and very camp. Ha – he’s just called Simon gay! How witty! Oh the banter that must happen backstage at this show.
Diva Fever are not that awful during their VT – maybe they’ve read my blog and have decided to be less obnoxious and ignorant.
Scratch that – on stage they wear purple spangly suits. There’s a weird striptease dance routine where they hide behind a sheet and come out in aerobics outfits. They’re okay singers I suppose, in a PWL way. They get very flat at times but it is all relative. Speaking of relative, these two fairies look amusingly butch compared to their dancers. Who at one point fan themselves with their limp wrists.
I’m giving Diva Fever the benefit of the doubt this week – and a pretty high ranking – because I found out one of them sings in Arabic at weddings. He’s bilingual! And possibly intelligent! Shame the other one’s only into analingual.
9. REBECCA – ‘Please don’t wake me, no don’t shake me’
In my notes during her VT, I wrote ‘difficult losing her kids blah blah.’ Says it all really. Louis says Rebecca has not much personality and her interview does not to falsify this claim.
She’s singing Teardrops, which I know as a minor dance hit from the 90s. By Lovestation. Was it a number one? Turns out it got to number one in the Netherlands. This is a very bizarre choice of song that would only really make sense if it was Minor 90s Dance week and you only had 10 songs to choose from.
She sounds very shrill and looks about 40. It is a severe stepback from her wonderful Fireflies last week.
Louis compares her to Sade and Norah Jones. Aaah, my sleeping and cooking music respectively. Dannii calls her a Style Queen even though she’s wearing maternity pants. Simon tells the miserable woman to ‘enjoy every second you have on this show.’ Enjoy it while it lasts? That’s good advice after tonight. I think Cheryl’s putting all her eggs in Cher’s basket.
10. KATIE – ‘I served my sentence but committed no crime’
Katie is very aware that there’s ‘a lot of controversy around her category.’ She’s a bright spark, her. I wouldn’t have realised that the elimination of better singers and the deportation of the very best one could be seen as controversial without being told.
She’s singing We Are The Champions almost as if she wants to prove she knows the words and can finish it this time, unlike her original audition.
She is dressed appallingly. The best way to describe it is to say she looks like Lady Gaga without the thought process: she has a helmet, a silver jumpsuit, pink tights and feathers in her hair. She plays a keyboard and sings wimpily, while visibly shaking. Like Aiden, her voice sound okay when it’s soft and, sort of to her credit, she doesn’t go for big votes unnecessarily. But soft and restrained doesn’t really cut it when you’re doing Queen.
Louis rightly says she’s more style than substance, while Dannii doesn’t even like the style. Simon thinks she’s original and different but – as I’ve said before – you could go to anyone mediocre student union or vegan café and find a Katie a day.
The voting public agree with me and she ends up in the bottom three. Her song is entirely pointless and involves her singing ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ a lot, quite poorly.
Without the helmet and visor, there’s not a lot to her.
11. NICOLO – ‘Mambo Italiano’
This Italian young man is very handsome and has an attitude that I quite like but is the complete opposite of what a (successful) X Factor should have. He always looks bored and contemptuous.
His performance however was a big disappointment. Much like Katie, he’s offering us Lady Gaga without the thought process. He wears silly shades. He has lots of dancers who look ‘broken down.’ He’s even doing a Lady Gaga song but he sounds flat and he can’t quite the words out in time and sounds a bit drunk as a result.
Cheryl is the voice of reason on the judging people and didn’t like it or the silly shades. He looks very angry when he’s told this but not as angry as he looks the next night when he’s eliminated with little fanfare and doesn’t even to get sing again.
12. JOHN – ‘Brown sugar, baby’
Just like our Italian friend, John Adeleye is very handsome and pretty cool but let me down this weekend.
In his VT, Louis calls him a dark horse and John acknowledges he’s ‘not the person everyone’s talking about.’ Everyone’s talking about the gypsy wigger and after comparing their performances, I can’t help but feel that ‘everyone’s’ got it right.
John sings Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. While wearing a suit that would be worn by a 90s boy band, like Boyz II Men. While sporting the dreadful haircut that would be sported by a 90s vocal harmony group, like Boyz II Men.
His voice sounds thin (next week, drink every time I write that!) and this song sounds pretty terrible without Mariah pleasantly shrieking over it. The whole thing has been set up like Louis’s dream performance. There is a gospel choir. There are purple snowflakes. There is bouncy dancing and a very cheesy smile. Then a horrendous falsetto squeal.
Dannii says it’s not current while Cheryl loves the song and John’s face. Simon then bitches that this song wasn’t a #1 in America, even though it was and even though the theme isn’t American #1s. Simon’s toolishness aside, there is a lot to be unhappy about here. This performance was so much worse than his jaunty Billionaire that I wept a little, deep inside. I wanted a new electrifying darkhorse like a Ruth Lorenzo. Instead I’ve been given a new Andy Abraham.
13. STORM – ‘May auld acquaintance be forgot’
Storm now has bizarre bright red hair, like the Riddler. Or Ronald McDonald He tells he was ‘born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ Yuk. How patronising. We know where that is. Well, most of us. Storm’s Californian/Scottish accent is as stupid as his hair and it may explain why no record labels have wanted him.
Storm has a silly dance routine (which at one point involves him crowdsurfing) and has authentic Rawk make up (which at all points involves him looking like a tool.)
He’s singing We Built This City and he’s not out of tune or anything but he does nothing to make a bad song sound better.
The judges say okay things apart from Simon Cowell who unleashes a barrage of awesome criticism. First he says Louis has ‘turned him into something out of Batman.’ Ha! Like the Riddler, Simon? Our minds are one. Then he up the ante by calling Storm ‘somebody that’s failed to be a rockstar’ and coolly ends with: ‘It is kind of absurd but maybe it’ll work.’ Storm must be a complete tosser backstage because I’m not sure I have ever seen an attack like that on a first show.
14. PAIJE – ‘Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby’
Honeyvoiced cinema usher Paije tells us he lives in a Maisonette. I have no idea what one of them is. Is it like a bungalow? Is it a poor thing? Simon calls Paije a yoyo because he’s been told no then yes so many times on this show. By Pixie Lott and Dannii Minogue no less!
When I realise he’s singing Killing Me Softly, I write ‘Ace’ in my notes. I hope that he’ll rap or at least yell one time two time refugee camp. But alas, all we get is a limp cover over an inexcusably cheap backing track. Also, he’s wearing a stolen MC Hammer jacket which is even worse than John wearing a stolen Boyz II Men jacket.
Cheryl says he came out tonight and was a diva. Oh Lord, not another one. Is Matt the only one selling a heterosexual, fucking-girls-with-your-mum-next-door lifestyle to the sweet, young youth of today?
15. FYD – ‘I can’t dance, I can’t sing’
First on, second out. FYD had a lot going against them.
They’re a group – they often go first.
They’re a group with black people in – that didn’t work for 4Tune, 4Sure, Addictiv Ladies or Voices With Soul.
They were on first – that landed Rachel Adedeji and Kimberley in the first bottom two of their years.
Simon doesn’t seem to like them much – and gave them a song that John Adeleye killed just last week.
Their dire performance didn’t help matters. Their harmonies are shrill and off key. Their rapping is embarrassing, like when a primary teacher uses slang. They try to make Billionaire uptempo, and add a weird reggaeton breakdown, and make it sound very shit. Then it’s over.
The judges try to sound positive while telling them they can’t really sing. And that they’re somehow dancing too much and too little. They end up in the bottom two and do similarly terrible, out of tune things to Rihanna.
The judges don’t bother to sound positive while promptly sending them home. Being worse than Katie? That can’t be good for their already sketchy self esteem.
16. BELLE AMIE – ‘I could really use a wish right now’
Simon tells us he’s picked their song wisely and that ‘didn’t want to do girl band does girl band’ This has a wonderful cosmic irony as they’ll be doing ‘girl does girl’ in three years’ time. Or they’ll be receptionists. Either way, they definitely won’t be a successful girl band. In their VT, we learn their sound check was a disaster. I didn’t make much of this – as they used to ludicrously make out that Alexandra and Leona sometimes struggled in rehearsals – but I should have taken the VT more seriously. For my own protection.
They proceed to butcher B.o.B’s Airplanes. Their voices are shrill yet tentative. Their harmonies are as loose as Chloe Maffia. Their rapping is worse than anything I have seen on this show. Towards the end it sounds as if one of them might be able to sing but then the other three quickly drown her out. Being named after a gay porn company is clearly the least of their problems.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Thex Factor - Judges' Home - 'A Chair Is Not A House'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s Judges Homes’ Week
This is my favourite stage of the competition and this weekend’s episodes were of a particularly high quality. There were good singers performing well. There were strange decisions to inspire debate. There was a brazillian ex-PE teacher. It was all good.
2. Dannii is mentoring the boys
She tells us she’s watched all the auditions on DVD. How hi-tec. Maybe she’ll give her judges comments by text! She and Natalie Imbruglia watch the boys perform in Australia. Matt is pretty great doing Beyonce in a girly way. Natalie’s eyes water while Dannii does not display much emotion. In sadder news, Matt does not look good with his shirt off and looks exactly like Elliott Yamin. Nicolo sings a song about New York very well and it’s unclear whether he’s singing about a boy, a girl or a city. Welsh teen Tom has a bright red nose and ruins Robbie. Paije shows us his True Colours and it’s pretty but very boring.
Cannon fodder white boy John weakly sings Take That weakly but strongly resembles Gary Barlow. Cannnon fodder black boy Karl is so unimportant that they play an interview over his performance. The producers similarly play an interview over most of Marlon’s Alicia cover. Based on the tuneless screeching we do hear, I am grateful to the producers for this. Aidan, with his lesbian hair and mental patient singing faces, is better than usual with his Damien Rice cover but still a ball of irritation and affectation. He goes through along with Nicolo and Matt.
3. Louis loves the Oldies
So he goes to the Emerald Isle with Sharon Osbourne to judge them. He has the ugliest set of contestants in the history of the X Factor. Sharon compares them to ‘Cuckoo’s Nest.’ Ha! When Sharon thinks you’re weird, you’ve really got to worry, Oldies. You and your mind, they got issues. Househusband Steve minces around doing Get The Party Started. It’s awful but brings back wonderful memories. Yuli screams, dressed poorly and covers Dizzee Rascal. The world’s ugliest man Justin tells us he has the right look and voice for pop while wearing a feather earring and singing Lady Gaga through his nose. Wagner gives a lovely speech and then sings Candi Staton in a Brazillian accent. He looks exactly like the cowardly lion. Mary gets sad music and a sob story VT before she messes up her Coldplay performance. She’s not even a competent pub singer. She forgets the words and has the tone of a drill that really wants to please. Elesha does a perfectly fine cover of Alicia Keys and Storm pulls out all the stops doing Mariah, with pleasant wailing, whimpering and growling. Cannon fodder John Adeleye comes from nowhere to give the performance of the night. He sings Billionaire by Travie McCoy and the judges beam. The jaunty piano backing is brilliant and he bounces around knowing how well it’s going. Despite us seeing him for all of twenty seconds before tonight, he goes through and is joined by the far more desperate Storm and Mary.
4. Simon is into groups
And he gets paid for it. Just like Chloe Mafia. He’s joined by the improbably-dressed Sinitta in Marbella, which is the only judges home that actually belongs to a judge. I suppose a visit to Dannii’s bedsit wouldn’t be that much fun.
Irritating Faggot One from Diva Fever is a student and tells us ‘I don’t wanna read books me whole life.’ And that is the real problem with the modern homosexual, isn't it? He then calls Simon Darlin’ before singing Girls Aloud. Twem, the French Arab Jedward, sing Kelly Rowland and sound surprisingly strong. Princes & Rogues do a wacky cover of the Buggles and it brings as little joy as you’d expect something wacky to bring. Ropey girlband Husstle are fine while ropey boyband The Reason are shrill and just a bit old and ugly. FYD try Beggin’ with cool harmonies and bouncy dancing. Compared to John, both the singing and bouncy dancing are subpar but it is a strong audition. Simon bitches about them eing cautious and more dancers than singers because he has some inexplicable problem with them. He much prefers the bands he put together himself: girl band Belle Ami sing George Michael’s Faith while boy band 1 Direction impress with a very modern, well-sung cover of Torn. It’s mostly sung by Harry, who enunciates the word NAKED very clearly while staring at the judges. It is beyond creepy and it assures the band a place in the top 12, along with Belle Amie and FYD.
5. Cheryl’s with the girls
And has clearly been driven mad by the malaria as she makes some very odd decisions. One of which is not sending Will.I.Am home for wearing silly glasses. Simpering wimp Rebecca does Amy Winehouse doing ‘Fireflies’ and it’s haunting and old-fashioned and modern. Top marks to her! High marks must also go to Kerrie, who offers a sumptuous Green Day cover with runs that she doesn’t quite commit to. Gamu’s voice is wasted on a rather pointless Pixie Lott ballad, Annastacia is given minor Toni Braxton and Raquel does Ordinary People. Though well sung, these three and quite unsurprisingly rather pointless, minor and ordinary respectively. Treyc shrieks through Ave Maria (by Beyonce, not Schubert alas) and looks and sounds exactly like Maria Lawson. Katie wears stupid eye make-up and tells us ‘there’s no one like her in the market.’ Oh please, you could go to any veggie café or stupid open mic night find an exact replica of her. And hopefully you’d find one who can finish a whole one-minute performance in one go without crying and having to restart. For the record, that’s two times in four performances that she’s had to start again. Even more shit is Cher, who rather than admit she can’t sing has decided to have a ‘short throat.’ She half sings, half raps Cooler Than Me then gives up and must be hugged by Cheryl. She then tries again, three-quarters rapping, one-quarter singing with a silly wigger voice. JERUSALURM! When she gives up a second time, CC asks if she’ll come back later and she whispers ‘I’m done now. I’m done.’ Like she’s Eva Peron on her deathbed. She lumbers offstage and is so thin that a lackey has to open the door for her. Like Winehouse, she is now more hair than body. But the crying worked wonders as she is put through along with crier Katie and almost always about to cry Rebecca. Fun times!
A preliminary ranking of the final twelve…
1. MATT
We’ve heard him sing many times (which gives an advantage over John) and he’s never shit (which gives him an advantage over Cher). He’s not unattractive or obnoxious either. If he can mix it up and sing some boys’ songs too, he could be a very worthy winner.
2.JOHN
In a New York minute, ooooo, anything can change. I love how John has emerged as a sudden talent and he even has pretty good bookies’ odds. Time will tell whether he goes the route of the recent American Idol winners, who got very screen time, or the route of the many black contestants over the years whose names you’ve forgotten.
3. 1DIRECTION
The show needs a group to win really so I see them getting an easy ride from the judges. It also doesn’t hurt that they have at least one very good singer and the teen vote sewn up.
4. NICOLO
Is he this year’s Rhydian? They’re really building him up as this horrible diva, but with a good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
5. STORM
Or is Storm this year’s Rhydian? They’ve given him really stupid dyed hair, to go with his almost good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
6. FYD
FYD were definitely the least of all evils when it came to the unmanufactured groups. It’s a shame Simon has no interest in them winning.
7. REBECCA
She’s only had one good performance so far so she is still an unknown quantity. But she has never yelled the word JERUSALURM so she has one up on some
8. BELLE AMIE
Their cover of Faith was fine but they seem quite anonymous. They could amuse the staff here at Thex if they borrow some of Chloe Mafia’s outfits and do Get Sexy. In the Green home with Louis, he say Hey Sexy.
9, KATIE
I used to like Katie and her drama queen/covert bitch ways but I have no time for people who weep mid-song. Or who can’t finish a song
10. AIDAN
I have liked every song that Aidan has performed. The original, that is. I have hated all of his covers. He needs to learn to sing well, open his eyes and not take hairstyle tips from Diva magazine.
11. CHER
Cher is Aisleyne without the charm or morals. She is Westwood without the commitment to being ridiculous. She is hideously ugly. She has stupid hair. She cannot sing. She cannot rap. Based on the visual evidence, she cannot feed herself. Still, she can take solace in the fact I put Joe last on my rankings last year and clearly know nothing.
12. MARY
Or Cher can take solace in the fact that she’s better than Mary. At least I half-heartedly wonder what dreadful thing Cher will do next. At least I can do impressions of Cher when bored or drunk. JERUSLURM! Mary has nothing to offer Thex. Or the world. Back to the tills, she must go.
1. It’s Judges Homes’ Week
This is my favourite stage of the competition and this weekend’s episodes were of a particularly high quality. There were good singers performing well. There were strange decisions to inspire debate. There was a brazillian ex-PE teacher. It was all good.
2. Dannii is mentoring the boys
She tells us she’s watched all the auditions on DVD. How hi-tec. Maybe she’ll give her judges comments by text! She and Natalie Imbruglia watch the boys perform in Australia. Matt is pretty great doing Beyonce in a girly way. Natalie’s eyes water while Dannii does not display much emotion. In sadder news, Matt does not look good with his shirt off and looks exactly like Elliott Yamin. Nicolo sings a song about New York very well and it’s unclear whether he’s singing about a boy, a girl or a city. Welsh teen Tom has a bright red nose and ruins Robbie. Paije shows us his True Colours and it’s pretty but very boring.
Cannon fodder white boy John weakly sings Take That weakly but strongly resembles Gary Barlow. Cannnon fodder black boy Karl is so unimportant that they play an interview over his performance. The producers similarly play an interview over most of Marlon’s Alicia cover. Based on the tuneless screeching we do hear, I am grateful to the producers for this. Aidan, with his lesbian hair and mental patient singing faces, is better than usual with his Damien Rice cover but still a ball of irritation and affectation. He goes through along with Nicolo and Matt.
3. Louis loves the Oldies
So he goes to the Emerald Isle with Sharon Osbourne to judge them. He has the ugliest set of contestants in the history of the X Factor. Sharon compares them to ‘Cuckoo’s Nest.’ Ha! When Sharon thinks you’re weird, you’ve really got to worry, Oldies. You and your mind, they got issues. Househusband Steve minces around doing Get The Party Started. It’s awful but brings back wonderful memories. Yuli screams, dressed poorly and covers Dizzee Rascal. The world’s ugliest man Justin tells us he has the right look and voice for pop while wearing a feather earring and singing Lady Gaga through his nose. Wagner gives a lovely speech and then sings Candi Staton in a Brazillian accent. He looks exactly like the cowardly lion. Mary gets sad music and a sob story VT before she messes up her Coldplay performance. She’s not even a competent pub singer. She forgets the words and has the tone of a drill that really wants to please. Elesha does a perfectly fine cover of Alicia Keys and Storm pulls out all the stops doing Mariah, with pleasant wailing, whimpering and growling. Cannon fodder John Adeleye comes from nowhere to give the performance of the night. He sings Billionaire by Travie McCoy and the judges beam. The jaunty piano backing is brilliant and he bounces around knowing how well it’s going. Despite us seeing him for all of twenty seconds before tonight, he goes through and is joined by the far more desperate Storm and Mary.
4. Simon is into groups
And he gets paid for it. Just like Chloe Mafia. He’s joined by the improbably-dressed Sinitta in Marbella, which is the only judges home that actually belongs to a judge. I suppose a visit to Dannii’s bedsit wouldn’t be that much fun.
Irritating Faggot One from Diva Fever is a student and tells us ‘I don’t wanna read books me whole life.’ And that is the real problem with the modern homosexual, isn't it? He then calls Simon Darlin’ before singing Girls Aloud. Twem, the French Arab Jedward, sing Kelly Rowland and sound surprisingly strong. Princes & Rogues do a wacky cover of the Buggles and it brings as little joy as you’d expect something wacky to bring. Ropey girlband Husstle are fine while ropey boyband The Reason are shrill and just a bit old and ugly. FYD try Beggin’ with cool harmonies and bouncy dancing. Compared to John, both the singing and bouncy dancing are subpar but it is a strong audition. Simon bitches about them eing cautious and more dancers than singers because he has some inexplicable problem with them. He much prefers the bands he put together himself: girl band Belle Ami sing George Michael’s Faith while boy band 1 Direction impress with a very modern, well-sung cover of Torn. It’s mostly sung by Harry, who enunciates the word NAKED very clearly while staring at the judges. It is beyond creepy and it assures the band a place in the top 12, along with Belle Amie and FYD.
5. Cheryl’s with the girls
And has clearly been driven mad by the malaria as she makes some very odd decisions. One of which is not sending Will.I.Am home for wearing silly glasses. Simpering wimp Rebecca does Amy Winehouse doing ‘Fireflies’ and it’s haunting and old-fashioned and modern. Top marks to her! High marks must also go to Kerrie, who offers a sumptuous Green Day cover with runs that she doesn’t quite commit to. Gamu’s voice is wasted on a rather pointless Pixie Lott ballad, Annastacia is given minor Toni Braxton and Raquel does Ordinary People. Though well sung, these three and quite unsurprisingly rather pointless, minor and ordinary respectively. Treyc shrieks through Ave Maria (by Beyonce, not Schubert alas) and looks and sounds exactly like Maria Lawson. Katie wears stupid eye make-up and tells us ‘there’s no one like her in the market.’ Oh please, you could go to any veggie café or stupid open mic night find an exact replica of her. And hopefully you’d find one who can finish a whole one-minute performance in one go without crying and having to restart. For the record, that’s two times in four performances that she’s had to start again. Even more shit is Cher, who rather than admit she can’t sing has decided to have a ‘short throat.’ She half sings, half raps Cooler Than Me then gives up and must be hugged by Cheryl. She then tries again, three-quarters rapping, one-quarter singing with a silly wigger voice. JERUSALURM! When she gives up a second time, CC asks if she’ll come back later and she whispers ‘I’m done now. I’m done.’ Like she’s Eva Peron on her deathbed. She lumbers offstage and is so thin that a lackey has to open the door for her. Like Winehouse, she is now more hair than body. But the crying worked wonders as she is put through along with crier Katie and almost always about to cry Rebecca. Fun times!
A preliminary ranking of the final twelve…
1. MATT
We’ve heard him sing many times (which gives an advantage over John) and he’s never shit (which gives him an advantage over Cher). He’s not unattractive or obnoxious either. If he can mix it up and sing some boys’ songs too, he could be a very worthy winner.
2.JOHN
In a New York minute, ooooo, anything can change. I love how John has emerged as a sudden talent and he even has pretty good bookies’ odds. Time will tell whether he goes the route of the recent American Idol winners, who got very screen time, or the route of the many black contestants over the years whose names you’ve forgotten.
3. 1DIRECTION
The show needs a group to win really so I see them getting an easy ride from the judges. It also doesn’t hurt that they have at least one very good singer and the teen vote sewn up.
4. NICOLO
Is he this year’s Rhydian? They’re really building him up as this horrible diva, but with a good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
5. STORM
Or is Storm this year’s Rhydian? They’ve given him really stupid dyed hair, to go with his almost good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
6. FYD
FYD were definitely the least of all evils when it came to the unmanufactured groups. It’s a shame Simon has no interest in them winning.
7. REBECCA
She’s only had one good performance so far so she is still an unknown quantity. But she has never yelled the word JERUSALURM so she has one up on some
8. BELLE AMIE
Their cover of Faith was fine but they seem quite anonymous. They could amuse the staff here at Thex if they borrow some of Chloe Mafia’s outfits and do Get Sexy. In the Green home with Louis, he say Hey Sexy.
9, KATIE
I used to like Katie and her drama queen/covert bitch ways but I have no time for people who weep mid-song. Or who can’t finish a song
10. AIDAN
I have liked every song that Aidan has performed. The original, that is. I have hated all of his covers. He needs to learn to sing well, open his eyes and not take hairstyle tips from Diva magazine.
11. CHER
Cher is Aisleyne without the charm or morals. She is Westwood without the commitment to being ridiculous. She is hideously ugly. She has stupid hair. She cannot sing. She cannot rap. Based on the visual evidence, she cannot feed herself. Still, she can take solace in the fact I put Joe last on my rankings last year and clearly know nothing.
12. MARY
Or Cher can take solace in the fact that she’s better than Mary. At least I half-heartedly wonder what dreadful thing Cher will do next. At least I can do impressions of Cher when bored or drunk. JERUSLURM! Mary has nothing to offer Thex. Or the world. Back to the tills, she must go.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Thex Factor - Boot Camp 2 - 'When the rain is blowing in your face'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It was more of the same
More drama! More prossy! More pleasant wailing! For the first half of the show that is – it was just more performances. We got to hear everyone we wanted to and more. So Katie who I already ranked highly for being a covert bitch in my last post actually sang this time.
2. Announcements were made
They packed a lot into this hour and ten. They even managed to fit in a rule change whereby being 28 is officially old, not 25. Well done, producers. If only you could fit more of value into the auditions weeks. So as well as the new auditions, we were given the names of our final 32.
3. The girls are: Katie (covert bitch), Kerrie (filler), Racquel (fodder), Treyc (from last year), Annastacia (from two years ago), Rebecca (the whisperer), Cher (the badass rudegal) and Gamu (who becomes a hunchback after her name is called and then collapses into Dermot’s catholic arms). No vice girl Chloe – shame.
4. The boys are: John (no idea), Nicolo (diva), Paije (Louis's pet), Aiden (Gayface), Marlon (black Shayne Ward), Karl (no idea), Matt (who is good) and Tom (who is Welsh.) Harry is rejected at this stage but for some reason the cameras follow also-rejected Liam around even though he is transparently shit.
5. The oldies are: Steve (the househusband), Yuli (the Dutchwoman), Storm (and his Charisma Unique Nerve and Talent), Wagner (the red Indian who’s only really appeared on ITV2), Justin (orange gayface), John (?) and Mary (fat checkout lady). There’s an eighth person in this category but she is not named due to terrible editing and/or counting by X Factor bigwigs.
6. The groups are: Twem (French jedward), The Reason (boy band), Diva Fever (the Proud Marys), FYD (boy band), Princes & Rogues (boy band), Husstle (girl band). Because there wasn’t enough talent in this category they’ve also cobbled together a boy band and girl band out of contestants rejected in the proper categories. This means Harry and Liam still stick around in a boy band and no girls of interest stay around in a girl band.
7. The judges get their categories
Cheryl gets all the girls, she gets all the girls. Dannii has the boys, her previous winning category. Simon is stuck with groups while Louis definitely picks the short straw with the old people. Cheryl will probably win unless Matt suddenly becomes sexy. Here’s hoping he does.
On with the rankings…
1. GAMU – ‘This is Anti-Auotune’
We see her audition without autotune and it sounds way better. Big surprise
Her version of ‘Make You Feel My Love’ is pretty much perfect and pisses on the really very good versions we heard from Annastacia the other week and Katie this weekend. The wailing is excellent and her voice breaks in a positive, Vickersian way. There’s a power note that’s somehow really a whimper that floats away to nothing. Someone in the audience cries and so does Louis. The Jesse.
2. NICOLO – ‘Diva is a female version of a hustler’
Nicolo definitely wins points for personality by bitching about the Bootcamp experience. He says ‘the air conditioning is crazy’ which is exactly the sort of thing that Nikki Grahame or myself would complain about. And that’s not a good thing. He also says ‘they don’t call it boot camp for nothing’ which amused me as surely he’d know from gay porn what boot camp is really like. He also chooses to spend his time with the coaches bitching he doesn’t have a mic stand. On stage, he’s doing Life on Mars and he’s quite good. He builds his performance and somehow manages to be heard over a very loud band. The producers must hate him because the loudness of the band was at a ‘sabotage’ volume rather than ‘incompetent mixing’ volume.
3. DIVA FEVER – ‘Big and strong, enough to turn me on’
My inner child is confused and my inner snark is infuriated when these proud Marys walk on stage. They tell us they are ‘Friends’ and have known each other for a few years. We must assume they’ve been more than friends after a few poppers. One is wearing a croptop because he’s got confused again and thinks that being ‘the woman’ during anal means you are actually a woman. The manliest thing about them is their eye make up.
Onstage, one minces around and shrieks about how different they are. Arms flailng, voices piercing. Yes, they’re clearly very different. There’s nothing as different a flaming queer.
They then do Lady Gaga because there’s nothing as different as a gay who likes Gaga.
They’re so, so strained and high pitched. Officially, Gaga is more man than the pair of them. I bet they’re too girly to dance around in blood too. I’m very worried they’ll be in the final 12.
4. AIDAN – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
We see a VT of his first audition where gayface, closed eyes and shouting were the order of the day. And not even lovely tuneful shouting like we’d get from a Clarkson or a Lorenzo.
Aidan appears to have Rihanna’s haircut circa 2008 and we learns he’s doing This Year’s Love which is one of my favourite songs. I hope it shoots up the iTunes chart.
Brian Friedman tells him to open his damn eyes.
His version is very whiney and involves a lot of grimacing and lipshaking Then he forgets the words. Ha! His eyes of course stay clamped shut and he grabs at his shirt buttons like a twat. Then hops a bit. The consensus from the judges is that he needs to open his eyes. I think he needs to do a lot more but then I think Cher Lloyd is shit. I clearly know nothing. JERUSALURM!
5. REBECCA – 'The Voice Within'
It seems to be very deep within with this girl. Imperceptible even. Rebecca’s first audition featured weeping, closed eyes and what could most generously be described as whimpering instead of singing. On the plus side, she wore lovely pearls.
Vocal coach John Modi wants her to get out her brilliant voice. John Modi clearly suffers fools far too gladly. In her rehearsal, she sounds dreadful. There is no beautiful voice to get out. Oh and to top it all off, she has swapped her nice pearls for enormous hideous earrings.
She tells us that she ‘should continue on in this competition’ The phrase ‘continue on’ appears in every episode of America’s Next Top Model. Maybe she thinks she’s on that show? That would explain why she’s not attempting to sing well.
She does Corinne Bailey Rae as sung by a drunk. It’s whispery and whimpery and slurred and strained and shrill. She gets very sharp very easily. Simon oohs and aahs about her recording voice. I think she’d have to work hard to have a record-over-it voice. Still at least, she doesn’t rap. OPRAH! BELLS! RING-A-DINGIN!
1. It was more of the same
More drama! More prossy! More pleasant wailing! For the first half of the show that is – it was just more performances. We got to hear everyone we wanted to and more. So Katie who I already ranked highly for being a covert bitch in my last post actually sang this time.
2. Announcements were made
They packed a lot into this hour and ten. They even managed to fit in a rule change whereby being 28 is officially old, not 25. Well done, producers. If only you could fit more of value into the auditions weeks. So as well as the new auditions, we were given the names of our final 32.
3. The girls are: Katie (covert bitch), Kerrie (filler), Racquel (fodder), Treyc (from last year), Annastacia (from two years ago), Rebecca (the whisperer), Cher (the badass rudegal) and Gamu (who becomes a hunchback after her name is called and then collapses into Dermot’s catholic arms). No vice girl Chloe – shame.
4. The boys are: John (no idea), Nicolo (diva), Paije (Louis's pet), Aiden (Gayface), Marlon (black Shayne Ward), Karl (no idea), Matt (who is good) and Tom (who is Welsh.) Harry is rejected at this stage but for some reason the cameras follow also-rejected Liam around even though he is transparently shit.
5. The oldies are: Steve (the househusband), Yuli (the Dutchwoman), Storm (and his Charisma Unique Nerve and Talent), Wagner (the red Indian who’s only really appeared on ITV2), Justin (orange gayface), John (?) and Mary (fat checkout lady). There’s an eighth person in this category but she is not named due to terrible editing and/or counting by X Factor bigwigs.
6. The groups are: Twem (French jedward), The Reason (boy band), Diva Fever (the Proud Marys), FYD (boy band), Princes & Rogues (boy band), Husstle (girl band). Because there wasn’t enough talent in this category they’ve also cobbled together a boy band and girl band out of contestants rejected in the proper categories. This means Harry and Liam still stick around in a boy band and no girls of interest stay around in a girl band.
7. The judges get their categories
Cheryl gets all the girls, she gets all the girls. Dannii has the boys, her previous winning category. Simon is stuck with groups while Louis definitely picks the short straw with the old people. Cheryl will probably win unless Matt suddenly becomes sexy. Here’s hoping he does.
On with the rankings…
1. GAMU – ‘This is Anti-Auotune’
We see her audition without autotune and it sounds way better. Big surprise
Her version of ‘Make You Feel My Love’ is pretty much perfect and pisses on the really very good versions we heard from Annastacia the other week and Katie this weekend. The wailing is excellent and her voice breaks in a positive, Vickersian way. There’s a power note that’s somehow really a whimper that floats away to nothing. Someone in the audience cries and so does Louis. The Jesse.
2. NICOLO – ‘Diva is a female version of a hustler’
Nicolo definitely wins points for personality by bitching about the Bootcamp experience. He says ‘the air conditioning is crazy’ which is exactly the sort of thing that Nikki Grahame or myself would complain about. And that’s not a good thing. He also says ‘they don’t call it boot camp for nothing’ which amused me as surely he’d know from gay porn what boot camp is really like. He also chooses to spend his time with the coaches bitching he doesn’t have a mic stand. On stage, he’s doing Life on Mars and he’s quite good. He builds his performance and somehow manages to be heard over a very loud band. The producers must hate him because the loudness of the band was at a ‘sabotage’ volume rather than ‘incompetent mixing’ volume.
3. DIVA FEVER – ‘Big and strong, enough to turn me on’
My inner child is confused and my inner snark is infuriated when these proud Marys walk on stage. They tell us they are ‘Friends’ and have known each other for a few years. We must assume they’ve been more than friends after a few poppers. One is wearing a croptop because he’s got confused again and thinks that being ‘the woman’ during anal means you are actually a woman. The manliest thing about them is their eye make up.
Onstage, one minces around and shrieks about how different they are. Arms flailng, voices piercing. Yes, they’re clearly very different. There’s nothing as different a flaming queer.
They then do Lady Gaga because there’s nothing as different as a gay who likes Gaga.
They’re so, so strained and high pitched. Officially, Gaga is more man than the pair of them. I bet they’re too girly to dance around in blood too. I’m very worried they’ll be in the final 12.
4. AIDAN – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
We see a VT of his first audition where gayface, closed eyes and shouting were the order of the day. And not even lovely tuneful shouting like we’d get from a Clarkson or a Lorenzo.
Aidan appears to have Rihanna’s haircut circa 2008 and we learns he’s doing This Year’s Love which is one of my favourite songs. I hope it shoots up the iTunes chart.
Brian Friedman tells him to open his damn eyes.
His version is very whiney and involves a lot of grimacing and lipshaking Then he forgets the words. Ha! His eyes of course stay clamped shut and he grabs at his shirt buttons like a twat. Then hops a bit. The consensus from the judges is that he needs to open his eyes. I think he needs to do a lot more but then I think Cher Lloyd is shit. I clearly know nothing. JERUSALURM!
5. REBECCA – 'The Voice Within'
It seems to be very deep within with this girl. Imperceptible even. Rebecca’s first audition featured weeping, closed eyes and what could most generously be described as whimpering instead of singing. On the plus side, she wore lovely pearls.
Vocal coach John Modi wants her to get out her brilliant voice. John Modi clearly suffers fools far too gladly. In her rehearsal, she sounds dreadful. There is no beautiful voice to get out. Oh and to top it all off, she has swapped her nice pearls for enormous hideous earrings.
She tells us that she ‘should continue on in this competition’ The phrase ‘continue on’ appears in every episode of America’s Next Top Model. Maybe she thinks she’s on that show? That would explain why she’s not attempting to sing well.
She does Corinne Bailey Rae as sung by a drunk. It’s whispery and whimpery and slurred and strained and shrill. She gets very sharp very easily. Simon oohs and aahs about her recording voice. I think she’d have to work hard to have a record-over-it voice. Still at least, she doesn’t rap. OPRAH! BELLS! RING-A-DINGIN!
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Thex Factor – Boot Camp 1 – ‘Many have used her and many still do’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s Boot Camp bitches
But without pregnant Dannii or malaria-ridden Cheryl. Too bad, so sad. I didn’t miss them this week. The show without them was awesome – easily the best of the season. And also, with them gone, Simon got to call them ‘lapdogs.’ Don’t believe me? Start watching 19 minutes in. This episode ruled on high. Elbow were not used as backing music – instead we got Muse, Joshua Radin and The Veronicas. And even the montages were well-executed and informative!
2. This episode had the following brilliant idea.
Everyone in each category did the same song. I know what you’re thinking – that happens anyway. Every year, someone does that song about how they’ve acted out their lives in or on stages. Every year, someone butchers Winehouse. Same shit every time blah blah blah. However, this time it was on purpose! The girls do Beyonce, the boys do Jacko, the groups do Starship (because nobody likes the groups) and the oldies went Gaga. It was an excellent way of seeing who could sing in tune (Harry) and who could scare the shit out of a vampire (Cher). It also allowed the editors to do some fun montages where we saw all the contestants sing no more than a line. They spent literally twelve seconds on the groups. I counted. Simon comapared the Oldies to Star Trek. Star Trek aliens or Star Trek fans? It’s not clear what he meant. Anyway the contestants are all different ages and weights and races and some are big band singers and some are opera singers so, yes, when you shove them all into a montage, they will look a bit weird.
3. Then the contestants had to dance and sing
First, they had to dance in a big group to Lady Gaga, which wasn’t judged but was still watched by judges who passed judgements. Hmm. Next was the singing and Thex would have you know that the show featured some brilliant auditions. And some not so brilliant. And some fascinating and divisive auditions. More on them in the subsequent rankings. But at least the show is getting interested. And they’ve mainly got rid of the sob stories in favour of following a whore around while she embarrasses herself.
On with the rankings…
1. MATT – ‘If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie’
I remembered painter/decorator being alright when he nervously auditioned with Winehouse a few weeks ago. I even ranked him second without being overly mean.
In his sort of sob story, he tells us he lives at home, which is ‘not ideal.’ I love how they’ve moved away from life-destroying traumas and disabilities to the ‘not ideal.’ Just as I worried he’d been eliminated with no fanfare, he appears and sings Roberta Flack. With lots of runs and falsetto and the most pleasant wailing. But it all makes sense and doesn’t feel showy and most importantly there is absolutely no shouting. I got misty but that may have been the wine. Matt for the win! For now.
2. KATIE – ‘Stop your bitching cos you’re so sad’
Katie receives second place for three main reasons. First, I still like her for calling Louis ‘Sir’ during Auditions. Second, she wins the “Harry from the other week” award for vocabulary by saying ‘daunting’ in a posh voice. Third, she says the following: “they’re all Beyonce-ing it out and I’m just a bit like [horrified face.]” She’s so above everyone and I loves it. In other news, she channels Amy Winehouse during the ‘same song for everyone’ round and is much better than her nearest rival Gamu, who in turn is much better without the autotune.
3. HARRY – ‘Disposable teens, disposable teens’
Harry appeared every ten minutes or so on this show to be adorable. His five seconds of Michael Jackson was probably the best we saw. He danced without embarrassing himself. His cover of Leona doing Oasis wasn’t so great but it was infinitely better than Liam’s. At least Harry kept his eyes open. And didn’t look terminally ill. Welsh Tom (who was made to sing twice then rejected then saved during some very staged business with Pixie Lott the other week) was praised for his dancing but little else. I think Harry has the cute teen place in the final twelve sewn up.
4. STORM – ‘Fuckin’ posers’
Aged rock star Storm won many many cool points when he told Simon he’d wow him with his Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. For those of you who struggle with acronyms, Storm just Simon he wants to show him his cunt. He then does Guns N Roses karaoke but it’s not bad at all. Even that gay duo are dancing along in the audience. Simon likes Storm's voice but says he wants to put it in someone else. I think every man who's met Storm would rather put "it" in someone else.
5. MARLON – ‘Everybody, they love a winner’
Marlon featured heavily in tonight’s show without really doing anything dramatic like forgetting his words or being a 100% English Yorkshire Slut. He must be in the top twelve to get that sort of edit. This makes him one to watch I guess. He has Shayne Ward’s exact speaking voice and a singing voice that is sadly no more interesting.
6. THE BAD DANCERS – ‘Just dance, gonna be ok.’
Teenager Zain has a big old strop because he doesn’t like dancing. Possibly because dancing is well gay. Anyway Simon somehow notices that someone from a group of a hundred and missing and knows the missing boy’s name through quick deduction. We are to believe this is not at all staged and I’m almost convinced as Simon is a much better actor than Pixie Lott. The other dancing drama comes from checkout lady Mary who has arthritis and “trobbing” knees. She makes up for her terrible dancing by shaking her tits onstage, earning guffaws from the judges and a place in Thex Factor’s heart forever. This whole dancing business was the doing of sacked judge / ‘Artistic director’ Brian Friedman. He makes demotion seem so glam! He wears a green hoody paint suit thing with his chest showing. He tells us he’s wearing something skimpy to make a statement. And that statement is ‘daddy issues’
7. TOBIAS – ‘It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad sad situation’
Clothing store manager, and the man responsible for that overstretched audition = job interview joke, Tobias forgot the words to Man in the Mirror. Even when everyone singing around him is doing the exact same song. What a div. On this show, that’s like forgetting your ABCs. He weeps to Dermot. Then later to us. But not when he’s been eliminated. Funny that. I guess when crying no longer helps your cause there’s no reason to do it.
8. CHLOE – ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies’
Vice girl Chloe went out partying the night before Bootcamp. She tells us: ‘I feel sick and I can taste vodka.’ The poor dear. Tis pity she’s a whore. Anyway, her shouty Beyonce cover is much better than any of her three audition songs. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough to keep her in if she didn’t have such a wonderful homelife. Or if she didn’t make the other contestants look so much better by comparison. She makes the various trampy girl groups (of which Husstle have the shittest name) seem as virginal as Louis.
Anyway, she’s lightly scolded by the vocal coach and by Dermot for not working hard. She seems convinced she is though, which is odd as you’d think an alleged whore would understand the value of money. She tells Dermot ‘She can do what she wanna be’ and he seems fine with this. I hope the grammar is better on her adverts because otherwise she’ll put off a lot of pedantic potential clients. For her second audition, she wears a bikini and white heels. Oh and she’s attached her nametag to her thigh. She is awful but I desperately want her to stay around so I can make more whore jokes.
9. CHER – ‘I'm some wigga who just tries to be black’
When Cher is made to be Beyonce, she suddenly becomes Shirley Bassey. And it’s not too awful. When she is allowed to be herself, things go very wrong indeed.
We’re shown her original audition and I don’t know if they’ve cut to an unflattering bit but it seems really awful. The scary faces. The stomping. The offkey singing. I think Cheryl only likes her because she’s scal.
She tells us she’s taking a risk by adding a rap to her audition. She has a black man encourage her, which makes it all fine I guess. She raps poorly without rhyming then does an N-Dubzian cheap rap cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. She yells Jerusalem in a way that Westwood would, but we knoew shouldn't. Then she sings crazy. And looks crazy. Her version includes lyrics like ‘Long live da king’ and ‘Ring-a-dinging.’ Surely guest judge and actual black person Nicole Scherzinger must find this really offensive. When she comes offstage, Dermot looks really embarrassed for her. Oh Cher, when Dermot finds a whore more palatable surely you can see you’re doing something very wrong. JERUSALURRRRM
1. It’s Boot Camp bitches
But without pregnant Dannii or malaria-ridden Cheryl. Too bad, so sad. I didn’t miss them this week. The show without them was awesome – easily the best of the season. And also, with them gone, Simon got to call them ‘lapdogs.’ Don’t believe me? Start watching 19 minutes in. This episode ruled on high. Elbow were not used as backing music – instead we got Muse, Joshua Radin and The Veronicas. And even the montages were well-executed and informative!
2. This episode had the following brilliant idea.
Everyone in each category did the same song. I know what you’re thinking – that happens anyway. Every year, someone does that song about how they’ve acted out their lives in or on stages. Every year, someone butchers Winehouse. Same shit every time blah blah blah. However, this time it was on purpose! The girls do Beyonce, the boys do Jacko, the groups do Starship (because nobody likes the groups) and the oldies went Gaga. It was an excellent way of seeing who could sing in tune (Harry) and who could scare the shit out of a vampire (Cher). It also allowed the editors to do some fun montages where we saw all the contestants sing no more than a line. They spent literally twelve seconds on the groups. I counted. Simon comapared the Oldies to Star Trek. Star Trek aliens or Star Trek fans? It’s not clear what he meant. Anyway the contestants are all different ages and weights and races and some are big band singers and some are opera singers so, yes, when you shove them all into a montage, they will look a bit weird.
3. Then the contestants had to dance and sing
First, they had to dance in a big group to Lady Gaga, which wasn’t judged but was still watched by judges who passed judgements. Hmm. Next was the singing and Thex would have you know that the show featured some brilliant auditions. And some not so brilliant. And some fascinating and divisive auditions. More on them in the subsequent rankings. But at least the show is getting interested. And they’ve mainly got rid of the sob stories in favour of following a whore around while she embarrasses herself.
On with the rankings…
1. MATT – ‘If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie’
I remembered painter/decorator being alright when he nervously auditioned with Winehouse a few weeks ago. I even ranked him second without being overly mean.
In his sort of sob story, he tells us he lives at home, which is ‘not ideal.’ I love how they’ve moved away from life-destroying traumas and disabilities to the ‘not ideal.’ Just as I worried he’d been eliminated with no fanfare, he appears and sings Roberta Flack. With lots of runs and falsetto and the most pleasant wailing. But it all makes sense and doesn’t feel showy and most importantly there is absolutely no shouting. I got misty but that may have been the wine. Matt for the win! For now.
2. KATIE – ‘Stop your bitching cos you’re so sad’
Katie receives second place for three main reasons. First, I still like her for calling Louis ‘Sir’ during Auditions. Second, she wins the “Harry from the other week” award for vocabulary by saying ‘daunting’ in a posh voice. Third, she says the following: “they’re all Beyonce-ing it out and I’m just a bit like [horrified face.]” She’s so above everyone and I loves it. In other news, she channels Amy Winehouse during the ‘same song for everyone’ round and is much better than her nearest rival Gamu, who in turn is much better without the autotune.
3. HARRY – ‘Disposable teens, disposable teens’
Harry appeared every ten minutes or so on this show to be adorable. His five seconds of Michael Jackson was probably the best we saw. He danced without embarrassing himself. His cover of Leona doing Oasis wasn’t so great but it was infinitely better than Liam’s. At least Harry kept his eyes open. And didn’t look terminally ill. Welsh Tom (who was made to sing twice then rejected then saved during some very staged business with Pixie Lott the other week) was praised for his dancing but little else. I think Harry has the cute teen place in the final twelve sewn up.
4. STORM – ‘Fuckin’ posers’
Aged rock star Storm won many many cool points when he told Simon he’d wow him with his Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. For those of you who struggle with acronyms, Storm just Simon he wants to show him his cunt. He then does Guns N Roses karaoke but it’s not bad at all. Even that gay duo are dancing along in the audience. Simon likes Storm's voice but says he wants to put it in someone else. I think every man who's met Storm would rather put "it" in someone else.
5. MARLON – ‘Everybody, they love a winner’
Marlon featured heavily in tonight’s show without really doing anything dramatic like forgetting his words or being a 100% English Yorkshire Slut. He must be in the top twelve to get that sort of edit. This makes him one to watch I guess. He has Shayne Ward’s exact speaking voice and a singing voice that is sadly no more interesting.
6. THE BAD DANCERS – ‘Just dance, gonna be ok.’
Teenager Zain has a big old strop because he doesn’t like dancing. Possibly because dancing is well gay. Anyway Simon somehow notices that someone from a group of a hundred and missing and knows the missing boy’s name through quick deduction. We are to believe this is not at all staged and I’m almost convinced as Simon is a much better actor than Pixie Lott. The other dancing drama comes from checkout lady Mary who has arthritis and “trobbing” knees. She makes up for her terrible dancing by shaking her tits onstage, earning guffaws from the judges and a place in Thex Factor’s heart forever. This whole dancing business was the doing of sacked judge / ‘Artistic director’ Brian Friedman. He makes demotion seem so glam! He wears a green hoody paint suit thing with his chest showing. He tells us he’s wearing something skimpy to make a statement. And that statement is ‘daddy issues’
7. TOBIAS – ‘It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad sad situation’
Clothing store manager, and the man responsible for that overstretched audition = job interview joke, Tobias forgot the words to Man in the Mirror. Even when everyone singing around him is doing the exact same song. What a div. On this show, that’s like forgetting your ABCs. He weeps to Dermot. Then later to us. But not when he’s been eliminated. Funny that. I guess when crying no longer helps your cause there’s no reason to do it.
8. CHLOE – ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies’
Vice girl Chloe went out partying the night before Bootcamp. She tells us: ‘I feel sick and I can taste vodka.’ The poor dear. Tis pity she’s a whore. Anyway, her shouty Beyonce cover is much better than any of her three audition songs. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough to keep her in if she didn’t have such a wonderful homelife. Or if she didn’t make the other contestants look so much better by comparison. She makes the various trampy girl groups (of which Husstle have the shittest name) seem as virginal as Louis.
Anyway, she’s lightly scolded by the vocal coach and by Dermot for not working hard. She seems convinced she is though, which is odd as you’d think an alleged whore would understand the value of money. She tells Dermot ‘She can do what she wanna be’ and he seems fine with this. I hope the grammar is better on her adverts because otherwise she’ll put off a lot of pedantic potential clients. For her second audition, she wears a bikini and white heels. Oh and she’s attached her nametag to her thigh. She is awful but I desperately want her to stay around so I can make more whore jokes.
9. CHER – ‘I'm some wigga who just tries to be black’
When Cher is made to be Beyonce, she suddenly becomes Shirley Bassey. And it’s not too awful. When she is allowed to be herself, things go very wrong indeed.
We’re shown her original audition and I don’t know if they’ve cut to an unflattering bit but it seems really awful. The scary faces. The stomping. The offkey singing. I think Cheryl only likes her because she’s scal.
She tells us she’s taking a risk by adding a rap to her audition. She has a black man encourage her, which makes it all fine I guess. She raps poorly without rhyming then does an N-Dubzian cheap rap cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. She yells Jerusalem in a way that Westwood would, but we knoew shouldn't. Then she sings crazy. And looks crazy. Her version includes lyrics like ‘Long live da king’ and ‘Ring-a-dinging.’ Surely guest judge and actual black person Nicole Scherzinger must find this really offensive. When she comes offstage, Dermot looks really embarrassed for her. Oh Cher, when Dermot finds a whore more palatable surely you can see you’re doing something very wrong. JERUSALURRRRM
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Thex Factor – The Final Auditions – ‘And so I face the final curtain’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. They crammed two judges into the body of one
Whilst Dannii is off experiencing the joys of motherhood and Cheryl is off experiencing the joys of malaria, Nicole Scherzinger is the guest judge for two nights of diverting TV. She is approximately a millionth as cunty as Katy Perry and infinitely more vocal than Natalie Imbruglia. She is by far the best guest judge, not least because she’s trying to steal Cheryl’s job. I bet she gave the gutterthug malaria somehow.
2. It’s the end of auditions Oh and it’s been a right laugh really hasn’t it? It were dead funny when the freaks couldn’t sing.Etc. Etc. In all seriousness, it’s been better than last year when the offensiveness of the live audience was too fresh and too much. Some dreams have been crushed, some eyes have become mad and staring, some have been turned into Robo-Cher and a fat girl has struck another. I will be saying to “Who are you, may I ask?” for many years to come. Shame there have been no auditions worth listening to on repeat.
So many rankings to get through...
1. HARRY – ‘I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking’
I hearted Harry from beginning to end. His jumper was very nice. He is well-spoken and uses the word picturesque to describe his Cheshire hometown. He does so sarcastically but not snottily which is really hard to manage, especially when you’re a teenager. He looks exactly like one of the Kooks and wears an indie scarf, which is arsily tied twice. The editors are clearly unable to cope with this cornerless Indieness and use ‘House of Fun’ as the backing track because that’s as Indie as they get. Harry turns out to be barely indie at all and sings Stevie Wonder in a kids Stars in their Eyes voice. His diction is very weird, as he sings Eeesnt She Lovelee, but there is at least some potential here and charm. Harry tops this ranking with ease but I hope Boot Camp offers some more contenders.
2. MARLON – ‘If I were your woman, here’s what I’d do’
Marlon’s first memory of music is being given a Tina Turner video and wanting to be Tina Turner. This is not something to admit. Especially if leg shaving was involved in the preparations. Anyway Marlon now has kids so it was obviously a horrible phase and he’s turned out socially acceptable. Bravo, Marlon. I want you to teach me how you did it. He sings Ain’t No Sunshine with an arrangement that is very similar but far less good than this. The judges then tell him it was very original even though one of them has already seen the better, very similar version twice on American Idol. Marlon is flat in places and scary in places and pleasant in places. He seems to be every X Factor audition merged into one. Except he didn’t elbow his fat friend in the face. Shame.
3. AIDAN – ‘My baby’s got a secret’
Aidan receives lots of whoos from the girls in the audience who, based on Aidan’s enormous gayface, are quite clearly wasting their time. He tells us he’s practised by doing ‘a few weddings.’ I bet he sang while the volley vonts were handed out. He pulls the stupidest faces while singing Gold Digger with his eyes closed. He turns into a dirge but I suppose this is ‘making it his own.’ Louis tells him he has his ‘own kind of swagger.’ I guess a swagger based on looking terrified and not looking anyone in the eyes and ruining a fine song. I’d love to turn my swag on like that too
4. REBECCA – ‘I was born by a river, in a little tent’Even though Rebecca is all woe is me and I’ve got two kids but zero confidence, she could at least take solace in the fact that she wasn’t born by the river, in a little tent. And that when she goes to the movies, goes downtown, people aren’t saying don’t hang around. (Or maybe not, that’s a pretty good sob story for X Factor.) Anyway, Rebecca is very down on herself and sings Sam Cooke with her eyes closed and in a tiny, ‘current in 2007 when Amy Winehouse was big’ voice. She sounds a bit like past contestant Laura White after she’s been starved for several months. Or a midget Duffy.
Anyway the judges go easy on her and tell her to be less nervous. Simon says her vocals are right on the money, which I think is just not true any more. If Norah Jones, Dido can’t sell anymore, or the Winehouse successors like Paloma Faith and Adele never really did, what chance does this wimp have?
5. YULI – ‘In the port of Amsterdam, there’s a sailor who sings’ The judges insist on calling jolly fat Dutchwoman Yuli Julie and she doesn’t seem to mind. The overweight can be very good-natured like that. And greedy. Anyway there’s a bit of talk of how Yuli’s not English but the judges steer clear of any ‘fuck off home’ talk. She sings A Fool in Love (last covered by the world’s ugliest heartthrob Olly Murs) and it’s fine and the wailing is pleasant at time but it’s nothing to write home about. Or, write more about.
6. TOBIAS – ‘I've been looking for a new direction’
Tobias is a clothing store manager, who’s 20 and has had about 20 jobs. Yet he’s become a manager very quickly. Something is afoot here, sob story detectives! Anyway his VT is basically a conceit whereby he compares X Factor to a job interview with a good prize. Onstage, the judges continue this complex comparison in case it was lost on anyone. In fairness to them, I imagine it would have been lost on Cheryl. The only jobs she knows are ‘singer’ (me) and ‘bathroom attendant’ (my victims).
Even though I was almost called Tobias, I can’t get on board with this weedy thing. He sings Your Song with a Hull accent, which I’m sure you’ll agree is not a charming combination. He also sings in a shouty voice, which I’m sure you’ll recognise is not very unusual for this show. He’s very flat when he’s not doing runs, which I’m sure –Oh forget it. He’s sort of crap and as such has the potential to finish as highly as second on this show.
7. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move out of my way’
Louis Walsh just lights up when these orange fairies prance onto the stage. Literally – he had been shot in black & white by the editors in a way that was quite amusing. They are called Craig and Joseph but the latter is so gay that the name comes out like Josie. (Can you do a ‘too gay to enunciate’ voice? It’s very fun. Try saying train, lawn and Maths!) They mince around for a while singing Proud Mary in reasonably good voice. One of their friends is so gay that he ends up looking like a lesbian. (Can you make a ‘so gay you’re a lesbian’ face? It’s very fun. Try choosing a packet of cous cous or playing tennis while you do!) Louis of course puts them through by saying ‘Of course, I’m saying yes.’ Simon tells them they have to make themselves stand out. I think this means they’ll be in drag at boot camp, doing Lady Gaga. Jesus wept in advance.
8. RICHARD – ‘Serious Richard, why do you frown like you do?’
This audition was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on the show. It was relentless – the Vera Drake of reality TV auditions. Richard is a pub singer and in his VT he seems alright. I wrote this in my notes – ‘seems alright.’ He may have some crippling personality problems that I could rant about in future weeks but we’ll never know and will just have to assume he is as alright as he seemed.Simon briefly pretends to sympathise with pub singers and how hard it is to make a living now that the credit crunch has weeded out clubs that people didn’t want to go to. He then tells Richard to pick the best song and pander to the idiots in the audience. Richard decides to pander the audience, ‘have fun’ and sing Higher and Higher. Ewww. Though the singing is okay, or exemplary compared to celebrity munter Olly Murs, there is a huge amount of mugging and extended shots of Simon looking absolutely furious at being ignored. Al Green’s How Can You Mend A Broken Heart comes on and it takes minutes (that feel like hours) for all the judges to say he was rubbish and then say no and for Richard to walk offstage. He weeps for most of this and it is no fun for anyone.
9. CHLOE – ‘Hold up – what would you do?’
Oh Chloe, how I have longed for you to make an appearance. Sadly there is no mention of her being an ALL CAPITALS TABLOID STYLE VICE GIRL. (I would have loved it if she’d made that her sob story, like Andy Abraham did about being a bin. Perhaps her teary-eyed mentors could’ve said a few live shows in ‘you might suck cock for a living but that performance didn’t.’ Instead she tells us she’s never really fitted in. And yet it is so easy to fit in her. In both bottoms. She looks exactly like Ke$ha which surely goes to prove how trampy that toilet-dancing, Whiskey-teethbrushing Ke$ha is. Chloe does a terrifying shouty cover of Summertime that makes Ruth Lorenzo seem the model of subtlety and restraint. She shouts so much a garish fake eyelash starts slipping down her face. Also, the slut isn’t in tune and keeps repeating odd phrases over and over. She then tries Underneath Your Clothes, as sung by Shakira’s pet goat Cueve. Her eyelashes fall off and the audience boo her even though most of them have had more in them than Chloe. She vainly tries a third song, that I’ve never heard of, and it is no better. The "100% English Yorkshire Slut" cries and pleads and promises that she’s a good singer. The whole thing is the most glorious trainwreck. I think they let her through there’s a good chance she’ll hit someone.
10. HAZEL – ‘You used to get it in your fishnets’
Slutty pensioner Hazel is heaps of fun and could be described by this simple Maths equation: Nessa from Gavin & Stacey + Sharon Osbourne + ineffective counselling = Hazel. Her VT backing music is ‘Dya Think I’m Sexy?’ which I think is the editors making fun of her. But truth be told, she’d be much better in bed than most of the contestants. She flirts with Louis – we assume for the LOLs – and then namechecks him in her version of The Best. She dances like Chas and/or Dave. I will give cool points out to anyone who can tell me which is which. Did she go through? I didn’t write it down. Let’s assume No but wish her well with all her endeavours.
11. DAMIEN DEVINE – ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues’
Damien quite rightly feels that he has a very cool name. The alliteration is cool. The contrast between being the Devil’s child and being Godly is cool. Sadly, this is where the furthest extent of his cool lies. He sings poorly and does very bendy dancing. The judges lapped this shit up from face-like-a-punch Olly Murs but don’t like it this time. Maybe they’re jealous of his name. I know I am.
Next week, the judges are going to ‘turn up the pressure dial’ by making the contestants sing in front of a much smaller audience. I don’t think the makers of the show know how a pressure dial works. Bless them.
Kisses,
Thex Devine-Factor
1. They crammed two judges into the body of one
Whilst Dannii is off experiencing the joys of motherhood and Cheryl is off experiencing the joys of malaria, Nicole Scherzinger is the guest judge for two nights of diverting TV. She is approximately a millionth as cunty as Katy Perry and infinitely more vocal than Natalie Imbruglia. She is by far the best guest judge, not least because she’s trying to steal Cheryl’s job. I bet she gave the gutterthug malaria somehow.
2. It’s the end of auditions Oh and it’s been a right laugh really hasn’t it? It were dead funny when the freaks couldn’t sing.Etc. Etc. In all seriousness, it’s been better than last year when the offensiveness of the live audience was too fresh and too much. Some dreams have been crushed, some eyes have become mad and staring, some have been turned into Robo-Cher and a fat girl has struck another. I will be saying to “Who are you, may I ask?” for many years to come. Shame there have been no auditions worth listening to on repeat.
So many rankings to get through...
1. HARRY – ‘I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking’
I hearted Harry from beginning to end. His jumper was very nice. He is well-spoken and uses the word picturesque to describe his Cheshire hometown. He does so sarcastically but not snottily which is really hard to manage, especially when you’re a teenager. He looks exactly like one of the Kooks and wears an indie scarf, which is arsily tied twice. The editors are clearly unable to cope with this cornerless Indieness and use ‘House of Fun’ as the backing track because that’s as Indie as they get. Harry turns out to be barely indie at all and sings Stevie Wonder in a kids Stars in their Eyes voice. His diction is very weird, as he sings Eeesnt She Lovelee, but there is at least some potential here and charm. Harry tops this ranking with ease but I hope Boot Camp offers some more contenders.
2. MARLON – ‘If I were your woman, here’s what I’d do’
Marlon’s first memory of music is being given a Tina Turner video and wanting to be Tina Turner. This is not something to admit. Especially if leg shaving was involved in the preparations. Anyway Marlon now has kids so it was obviously a horrible phase and he’s turned out socially acceptable. Bravo, Marlon. I want you to teach me how you did it. He sings Ain’t No Sunshine with an arrangement that is very similar but far less good than this. The judges then tell him it was very original even though one of them has already seen the better, very similar version twice on American Idol. Marlon is flat in places and scary in places and pleasant in places. He seems to be every X Factor audition merged into one. Except he didn’t elbow his fat friend in the face. Shame.
3. AIDAN – ‘My baby’s got a secret’
Aidan receives lots of whoos from the girls in the audience who, based on Aidan’s enormous gayface, are quite clearly wasting their time. He tells us he’s practised by doing ‘a few weddings.’ I bet he sang while the volley vonts were handed out. He pulls the stupidest faces while singing Gold Digger with his eyes closed. He turns into a dirge but I suppose this is ‘making it his own.’ Louis tells him he has his ‘own kind of swagger.’ I guess a swagger based on looking terrified and not looking anyone in the eyes and ruining a fine song. I’d love to turn my swag on like that too
4. REBECCA – ‘I was born by a river, in a little tent’Even though Rebecca is all woe is me and I’ve got two kids but zero confidence, she could at least take solace in the fact that she wasn’t born by the river, in a little tent. And that when she goes to the movies, goes downtown, people aren’t saying don’t hang around. (Or maybe not, that’s a pretty good sob story for X Factor.) Anyway, Rebecca is very down on herself and sings Sam Cooke with her eyes closed and in a tiny, ‘current in 2007 when Amy Winehouse was big’ voice. She sounds a bit like past contestant Laura White after she’s been starved for several months. Or a midget Duffy.
Anyway the judges go easy on her and tell her to be less nervous. Simon says her vocals are right on the money, which I think is just not true any more. If Norah Jones, Dido can’t sell anymore, or the Winehouse successors like Paloma Faith and Adele never really did, what chance does this wimp have?
5. YULI – ‘In the port of Amsterdam, there’s a sailor who sings’ The judges insist on calling jolly fat Dutchwoman Yuli Julie and she doesn’t seem to mind. The overweight can be very good-natured like that. And greedy. Anyway there’s a bit of talk of how Yuli’s not English but the judges steer clear of any ‘fuck off home’ talk. She sings A Fool in Love (last covered by the world’s ugliest heartthrob Olly Murs) and it’s fine and the wailing is pleasant at time but it’s nothing to write home about. Or, write more about.
6. TOBIAS – ‘I've been looking for a new direction’
Tobias is a clothing store manager, who’s 20 and has had about 20 jobs. Yet he’s become a manager very quickly. Something is afoot here, sob story detectives! Anyway his VT is basically a conceit whereby he compares X Factor to a job interview with a good prize. Onstage, the judges continue this complex comparison in case it was lost on anyone. In fairness to them, I imagine it would have been lost on Cheryl. The only jobs she knows are ‘singer’ (me) and ‘bathroom attendant’ (my victims).
Even though I was almost called Tobias, I can’t get on board with this weedy thing. He sings Your Song with a Hull accent, which I’m sure you’ll agree is not a charming combination. He also sings in a shouty voice, which I’m sure you’ll recognise is not very unusual for this show. He’s very flat when he’s not doing runs, which I’m sure –Oh forget it. He’s sort of crap and as such has the potential to finish as highly as second on this show.
7. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move out of my way’
Louis Walsh just lights up when these orange fairies prance onto the stage. Literally – he had been shot in black & white by the editors in a way that was quite amusing. They are called Craig and Joseph but the latter is so gay that the name comes out like Josie. (Can you do a ‘too gay to enunciate’ voice? It’s very fun. Try saying train, lawn and Maths!) They mince around for a while singing Proud Mary in reasonably good voice. One of their friends is so gay that he ends up looking like a lesbian. (Can you make a ‘so gay you’re a lesbian’ face? It’s very fun. Try choosing a packet of cous cous or playing tennis while you do!) Louis of course puts them through by saying ‘Of course, I’m saying yes.’ Simon tells them they have to make themselves stand out. I think this means they’ll be in drag at boot camp, doing Lady Gaga. Jesus wept in advance.
8. RICHARD – ‘Serious Richard, why do you frown like you do?’
This audition was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on the show. It was relentless – the Vera Drake of reality TV auditions. Richard is a pub singer and in his VT he seems alright. I wrote this in my notes – ‘seems alright.’ He may have some crippling personality problems that I could rant about in future weeks but we’ll never know and will just have to assume he is as alright as he seemed.Simon briefly pretends to sympathise with pub singers and how hard it is to make a living now that the credit crunch has weeded out clubs that people didn’t want to go to. He then tells Richard to pick the best song and pander to the idiots in the audience. Richard decides to pander the audience, ‘have fun’ and sing Higher and Higher. Ewww. Though the singing is okay, or exemplary compared to celebrity munter Olly Murs, there is a huge amount of mugging and extended shots of Simon looking absolutely furious at being ignored. Al Green’s How Can You Mend A Broken Heart comes on and it takes minutes (that feel like hours) for all the judges to say he was rubbish and then say no and for Richard to walk offstage. He weeps for most of this and it is no fun for anyone.
9. CHLOE – ‘Hold up – what would you do?’
Oh Chloe, how I have longed for you to make an appearance. Sadly there is no mention of her being an ALL CAPITALS TABLOID STYLE VICE GIRL. (I would have loved it if she’d made that her sob story, like Andy Abraham did about being a bin. Perhaps her teary-eyed mentors could’ve said a few live shows in ‘you might suck cock for a living but that performance didn’t.’ Instead she tells us she’s never really fitted in. And yet it is so easy to fit in her. In both bottoms. She looks exactly like Ke$ha which surely goes to prove how trampy that toilet-dancing, Whiskey-teethbrushing Ke$ha is. Chloe does a terrifying shouty cover of Summertime that makes Ruth Lorenzo seem the model of subtlety and restraint. She shouts so much a garish fake eyelash starts slipping down her face. Also, the slut isn’t in tune and keeps repeating odd phrases over and over. She then tries Underneath Your Clothes, as sung by Shakira’s pet goat Cueve. Her eyelashes fall off and the audience boo her even though most of them have had more in them than Chloe. She vainly tries a third song, that I’ve never heard of, and it is no better. The "100% English Yorkshire Slut" cries and pleads and promises that she’s a good singer. The whole thing is the most glorious trainwreck. I think they let her through there’s a good chance she’ll hit someone.
10. HAZEL – ‘You used to get it in your fishnets’
Slutty pensioner Hazel is heaps of fun and could be described by this simple Maths equation: Nessa from Gavin & Stacey + Sharon Osbourne + ineffective counselling = Hazel. Her VT backing music is ‘Dya Think I’m Sexy?’ which I think is the editors making fun of her. But truth be told, she’d be much better in bed than most of the contestants. She flirts with Louis – we assume for the LOLs – and then namechecks him in her version of The Best. She dances like Chas and/or Dave. I will give cool points out to anyone who can tell me which is which. Did she go through? I didn’t write it down. Let’s assume No but wish her well with all her endeavours.
11. DAMIEN DEVINE – ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues’
Damien quite rightly feels that he has a very cool name. The alliteration is cool. The contrast between being the Devil’s child and being Godly is cool. Sadly, this is where the furthest extent of his cool lies. He sings poorly and does very bendy dancing. The judges lapped this shit up from face-like-a-punch Olly Murs but don’t like it this time. Maybe they’re jealous of his name. I know I am.
Next week, the judges are going to ‘turn up the pressure dial’ by making the contestants sing in front of a much smaller audience. I don’t think the makers of the show know how a pressure dial works. Bless them.
Kisses,
Thex Devine-Factor
Sunday, 12 September 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 4 – ‘A Pessimist is Never Disappointed’
We gon dash da salient facts in the girl's face
1. The quality has improved
Ellis-Bextor was right. I expected lemons and instead got kind of flat lemonade. This week we got to see in full several good auditions. By people who don’t seem to be dicks. This could be a fluke. Or it could be that like last year the good auditionees will go the way of Miss Fitz, Daniel Pearce or Althea Gaye. Time will tell. And even if the show takes ten steps backwards, at least we’ve got the prossie’s audition to look forward to.
2. The X Factor is bigger than Jesus
Or this is what the opening intro would have us believe. There are clouds, choirs, sepia-toned pictures of the most successful contestants. There is also the fabulous news that Alexandra used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs. Mazel Tov. I so wish she’d sung at the ones I’ve been to. Or that she did Dana International songs when asked.
3. The editors bum montages.
So hard that at least one banjo string will snap. The montages are a way of showing us two lines of good singers, thus making it more infuriating that we see more footage of the gaptoothed audience. The montages are also a way for the editors to use played-out and/or inappropriate backing music. Case in point, Mika’s Happy Ending is used for a montage about people getting yeses and having a happy ending. Sample lyric: ‘No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending.’
4. The guest judge is Pixe Lott
Now I like Mama Do (Uh Oh Uh Oh) as much as the next homosexual but I’m just not sure Pixie has the credentials to be a judge. The overblown intro with the CAPITAL LETTERS saying HOW VERY SUCCESSFUL she is was meant to sway me. I was expecting lots of filler (REEDY VOICE - TEN THOUSAND ALBUM SALES – you get the idea) but then there was mention of awards and a double platinum album. I call bullshit about that last point. We must find a charts geek and confirm this.
And those rankings? What are they?
1. TOM – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
It’s hard to tell if this (legal) young Welshman is attractive or very fug. He has huge bags under his eyes that make him look a bit like a vulture. A happy vulture though, like the Scouse ones in The Jungle Book. He says there’s not much work where he’s from and he’s worried he’ll be poor forever. But based on what he’s wearing, there’s a branch of River Island in this hellhole so there’s some positives for him. Ooh, on stage Sixth Form rather than college. He’s so clearly middle class -
the scrapheap sob story is a lot of shit. He sings The Script in an American accent. I thought The Script were Irish and sounded vaguely so. He sings really very well, especially compared to the shit we’ve had all year. He also moves confidently around the stage, but not maniacally. The judges disagree and say he moved too much. Simon says the performance was dated and could have been five years ago. Except The Script are quite current I thought. He then decides to sing some musical theatre. Ha! Way to ignore Simon. The second performance is of a very naff, big ballad and as current as Ryan Quinn doing Shakespear’s Sister. It’s so schmaltzy that I thought Simon would fall for it but he says no to the best singer this series. I started writing ‘the others say yes and all is well’ but then Pixie says no while grinning ear to ear. What a bitch. Louis and the audience jeer. Then she changes her mind. She was faking she didn’t like him all along, wasn’t she? She is as as good as an actress as she is a singer.
2. PAIJE – ‘If at first you don’t succeed’
Paije is a stocky young man with a boxing manager’s hair. I thought Paige was a girl’s name. Apparently a J makes it butch. Who knew! He sings Fly Me to the Moon and it’s very pleasant and effortless and not too boring. There is even a scoobedydoo bit which stops it being too boring. Simon looks bored – possibly by the not too boring pleasantness of it all – and stops it. Louis loves it and praises the vocal. Cheryl doesn’t love it but can’t really explain why. Almost if she can’t remember her lines. She grins and says no. Almost as if she finds lying difficult but sort of fun. Simon says no convincingly. Louis and the audience try to convince the others to change their mind but Paije strolls offstage without begging. There’s a dignity to Paije that I look. Louis then walks offstage to wish him well and give him a chance to re-audition with something comtemporary. It is all very sweet and very staged.
Second time round, he’s doing James Brown. I like these young men who refuse to be an old man’s version of contemporary. I preferred his Sinatra but there is no denying that Paije is a good singer. Though being made to re-audition puts him in the same group as Steve Brookstein and Lloyd Daniels. Eww.
3. NIKOLO – ‘Tu vuò fà l'americano’
This Italian with an American accent brags about how good he is and how he doesn’t think much of Madonna, Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. He’s sort of right about one but still it seems very arrogant and a terrible way to ingratiate yourself to the voting public. He rolls his eyes and tilts his head and snorts whenever he’s asked a question. Louis asks why he’s here and his reply begins with ‘it’s kind of obvious,’ which is how the very supremely douchiest of replies begin. He sings A Song For You, which it is worth noting was Brookstein’s audition piece. He sings with a lisp like he’s on Eurotrash. He squats when he sings big notes like he’s about to do a big poo at the same time. It’s a bit overblown and the vibrato could knock out a loose filling. Cheryl thinks he’s charming and thinks he has an Italian accent. Cheryl is clearly a poor judge of character and accents. All the judges call him a big diva. I see their diva and raise them a dickhead.
4. BUN ‘ND CHEESE – ‘I followed the voice you think you gave to me’
This gobby girl band want to spread the word and be like the Sugababes. Those godly, godly Sugababes. They call themselves Bun ‘nd cheese. Or, I think, Patty and Picky and Peas separately. They don’t enunciate well so this is merely a good guess. Simon deduces that these are not their real names, though he is equally staggered when one says her real name is Ebony.
They forget the words and don’t even bother to fill them in or ask to start again. The only words they seem to remember are Listen, which they whimper every ten seconds or so. Because they don’t even sing, or move, they can’t even offer any amusing bum notes. The judges think they’re rubbish and were probably doing this for a joke. Bun ‘nd Cheese don’t quite understand and then leave the stage without hitting each other. The scally girls last week set the bar so high for bad auditions. Why were we made to watch this?
5. KASH – ‘A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly’
Stayin’ Alive is his VT backing music. He rambled on like a nob about how he models and wears white gold. See, novelty backing music and rambling during a VT used to be the editors politely warning us they weren’t going through. That was until Stacey rambled on like a retard to a novelty song and then turned to be out to be good. For a while. Kash is a mobile salesman. And doesn’t he just look like one. I bet he tells colleagues how much commission’s he earned after work in the Slug & Lettuce. He says ‘yeah let’s make some music’ just before he sings Ne Yo. Ewww on all counts. The music he makes is not good and the judges turn him down. Back to the Slug & Lettuce he goes to talk targets. Hopefully they’ll give him a burger on the house for his troubles.
1. The quality has improved
Ellis-Bextor was right. I expected lemons and instead got kind of flat lemonade. This week we got to see in full several good auditions. By people who don’t seem to be dicks. This could be a fluke. Or it could be that like last year the good auditionees will go the way of Miss Fitz, Daniel Pearce or Althea Gaye. Time will tell. And even if the show takes ten steps backwards, at least we’ve got the prossie’s audition to look forward to.
2. The X Factor is bigger than Jesus
Or this is what the opening intro would have us believe. There are clouds, choirs, sepia-toned pictures of the most successful contestants. There is also the fabulous news that Alexandra used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs. Mazel Tov. I so wish she’d sung at the ones I’ve been to. Or that she did Dana International songs when asked.
3. The editors bum montages.
So hard that at least one banjo string will snap. The montages are a way of showing us two lines of good singers, thus making it more infuriating that we see more footage of the gaptoothed audience. The montages are also a way for the editors to use played-out and/or inappropriate backing music. Case in point, Mika’s Happy Ending is used for a montage about people getting yeses and having a happy ending. Sample lyric: ‘No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending.’
4. The guest judge is Pixe Lott
Now I like Mama Do (Uh Oh Uh Oh) as much as the next homosexual but I’m just not sure Pixie has the credentials to be a judge. The overblown intro with the CAPITAL LETTERS saying HOW VERY SUCCESSFUL she is was meant to sway me. I was expecting lots of filler (REEDY VOICE - TEN THOUSAND ALBUM SALES – you get the idea) but then there was mention of awards and a double platinum album. I call bullshit about that last point. We must find a charts geek and confirm this.
And those rankings? What are they?
1. TOM – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
It’s hard to tell if this (legal) young Welshman is attractive or very fug. He has huge bags under his eyes that make him look a bit like a vulture. A happy vulture though, like the Scouse ones in The Jungle Book. He says there’s not much work where he’s from and he’s worried he’ll be poor forever. But based on what he’s wearing, there’s a branch of River Island in this hellhole so there’s some positives for him. Ooh, on stage Sixth Form rather than college. He’s so clearly middle class -
the scrapheap sob story is a lot of shit. He sings The Script in an American accent. I thought The Script were Irish and sounded vaguely so. He sings really very well, especially compared to the shit we’ve had all year. He also moves confidently around the stage, but not maniacally. The judges disagree and say he moved too much. Simon says the performance was dated and could have been five years ago. Except The Script are quite current I thought. He then decides to sing some musical theatre. Ha! Way to ignore Simon. The second performance is of a very naff, big ballad and as current as Ryan Quinn doing Shakespear’s Sister. It’s so schmaltzy that I thought Simon would fall for it but he says no to the best singer this series. I started writing ‘the others say yes and all is well’ but then Pixie says no while grinning ear to ear. What a bitch. Louis and the audience jeer. Then she changes her mind. She was faking she didn’t like him all along, wasn’t she? She is as as good as an actress as she is a singer.
2. PAIJE – ‘If at first you don’t succeed’
Paije is a stocky young man with a boxing manager’s hair. I thought Paige was a girl’s name. Apparently a J makes it butch. Who knew! He sings Fly Me to the Moon and it’s very pleasant and effortless and not too boring. There is even a scoobedydoo bit which stops it being too boring. Simon looks bored – possibly by the not too boring pleasantness of it all – and stops it. Louis loves it and praises the vocal. Cheryl doesn’t love it but can’t really explain why. Almost if she can’t remember her lines. She grins and says no. Almost as if she finds lying difficult but sort of fun. Simon says no convincingly. Louis and the audience try to convince the others to change their mind but Paije strolls offstage without begging. There’s a dignity to Paije that I look. Louis then walks offstage to wish him well and give him a chance to re-audition with something comtemporary. It is all very sweet and very staged.
Second time round, he’s doing James Brown. I like these young men who refuse to be an old man’s version of contemporary. I preferred his Sinatra but there is no denying that Paije is a good singer. Though being made to re-audition puts him in the same group as Steve Brookstein and Lloyd Daniels. Eww.
3. NIKOLO – ‘Tu vuò fà l'americano’
This Italian with an American accent brags about how good he is and how he doesn’t think much of Madonna, Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. He’s sort of right about one but still it seems very arrogant and a terrible way to ingratiate yourself to the voting public. He rolls his eyes and tilts his head and snorts whenever he’s asked a question. Louis asks why he’s here and his reply begins with ‘it’s kind of obvious,’ which is how the very supremely douchiest of replies begin. He sings A Song For You, which it is worth noting was Brookstein’s audition piece. He sings with a lisp like he’s on Eurotrash. He squats when he sings big notes like he’s about to do a big poo at the same time. It’s a bit overblown and the vibrato could knock out a loose filling. Cheryl thinks he’s charming and thinks he has an Italian accent. Cheryl is clearly a poor judge of character and accents. All the judges call him a big diva. I see their diva and raise them a dickhead.
4. BUN ‘ND CHEESE – ‘I followed the voice you think you gave to me’
This gobby girl band want to spread the word and be like the Sugababes. Those godly, godly Sugababes. They call themselves Bun ‘nd cheese. Or, I think, Patty and Picky and Peas separately. They don’t enunciate well so this is merely a good guess. Simon deduces that these are not their real names, though he is equally staggered when one says her real name is Ebony.
They forget the words and don’t even bother to fill them in or ask to start again. The only words they seem to remember are Listen, which they whimper every ten seconds or so. Because they don’t even sing, or move, they can’t even offer any amusing bum notes. The judges think they’re rubbish and were probably doing this for a joke. Bun ‘nd Cheese don’t quite understand and then leave the stage without hitting each other. The scally girls last week set the bar so high for bad auditions. Why were we made to watch this?
5. KASH – ‘A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly’
Stayin’ Alive is his VT backing music. He rambled on like a nob about how he models and wears white gold. See, novelty backing music and rambling during a VT used to be the editors politely warning us they weren’t going through. That was until Stacey rambled on like a retard to a novelty song and then turned to be out to be good. For a while. Kash is a mobile salesman. And doesn’t he just look like one. I bet he tells colleagues how much commission’s he earned after work in the Slug & Lettuce. He says ‘yeah let’s make some music’ just before he sings Ne Yo. Ewww on all counts. The music he makes is not good and the judges turn him down. Back to the Slug & Lettuce he goes to talk targets. Hopefully they’ll give him a burger on the house for his troubles.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 3 – ‘Break your fucking face tonight’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. We have a guest judge
For part of the show anyway. And it’s Natalie Imbruglia. You know her, she sang Torn and other hits that weren’t as good as Torn. She’s so pretty that Simon pervs and tells her how pretty she is. She’s so pretty that, as Simon’s saying all this, we get to see an awesome shot of jealous Cheryl Cole drenching herself in make up. Ha! Natalie looks a lot like Dannii Minogue so it’s a comfort to see her. Oh and she’s here to report back to Dannii. She’s practically a mute but she’s a billionth as irritating as Katy ‘Funbags’ Perry.
2. There are auditions in London and Newcastle
Even though this information is repeated a lot, it’s hard to remember where this is all happening. Erm, besides Hell on Earth. I’d much rather go listen to ma Elbow alburm etc etc etc.
3. This show used to be good
Why would I bother writing this blog if it never was? The fact it legitimises my ‘career’ in ‘writing’ isn’t the only reason. No, the show was for many years a pleasure to watch and get all excited and huffy about. Leona and Alexandra and Brenda and Beautiful Spanish Ruth singing the shit out of things was good. ‘With or Without You’ was good. ‘Phantom of the Opera’ was good. Rooting for Same Difference and Eton Road even though it was never going to work out was good. Even Maria Lawson getting kicked off was good because it angered the blood. Oh but now. But now. It has now been three episodes and one whole series since there was someone who (a) made the finals (b) could sing and (c) I really liked. (Though a grudging honourable mention must go to Joe and Jedward, who at least fulfilled two of those criteria each last year.)
The rankings one more time…..
1. ABBEY & LISA – ‘Mama said knock you out’
Their VT is a frantic one. They may be best friends or they may be sisters. Even though one’s much taller, they’re both of similar weights. They talk very quickly and do not seem to think before doing so.
For example, onstage, one of them says Louis is fit but the other says he’s an old man. Oh, Simon helpfully asks if they’re friends or sisters and they answer they’re the first. They say like and randomly and I don’t know a lot so despite talking so quickly, it takes them a long time to say anything. One politely asks the audience to stop laughing at her idiocy. The audience boo and then the same girl hollers SHUT UP. Some of the audience look horrified while some continue booing. The hypocrisy of booing someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is clearly a very smart lady. The girls walk off then walk back on. They sing Shayne Ward who, thanks to his family, is a role model for thugs everywhere. Their timing’s really off and only one sings. It should be a bog-standard, last-place on the rankings bad audition if it were not for what follows.
The one who bothered to sing tells the judges she doesn’t care what they think, before the judging part has even taken place. The mute one then says she does care. The loud one says it was difficult being booed and then the mute one defends the booing audience and their right to free, unfettered expression. They both say ‘at the end of the day’ a lot. The loud one is rude to Imbruglia, asking ‘who are you?’ which infuriates the audience and then – quite excellently – makes the mute one elbow her in the face. Backstage, the mute one vents that it was bad form to insult the star guest judge. The hypocrisy of assaulting someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is no stranger to moral nuance.
2. CHER – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Cher is very nervous backstage and I think at points gets her Mum to answer Dermot’s inane questions. She’s prim and middle class and yet bizarrely is called Cher. She lacks confidence and yet bizarrely is called Cher.
Cher is very nervous onstage and I think at points gets an insipid mouse to answer questions. I refuse to believe a real person could sound that squeaky and wet. She then announces she’s doing a Soulja Boy song I’ve never heard of. Ha! She sings out of the corner of her mouth like a ventriloquist. She sings about the hood and stomps menancingly and the Mum sobs backstage as if it’s all very cute. The vibrato is crazy and at times she gets very jazzy and at times she raps. The audience whoop and get on their feet. Even Simon is full of praise and doesn’t mention the fact that no one has ever heard of this song before. It was a mess. A horrid, horrid mess. I don’t get it. I have lost touch with the common man.
3. LES JEDWARDS – ‘Jedward’s back with a brand new invention’
There are more twins than ever this year we’re told. And of course, we are treated to a montage to “prove” this “point.” The Evans Twins are very sexy and Louis Walsh fancies them. Bejon are not but Louis Walsh fancies them. Defying logic, the latter group go through. But a montage is not enough for the editors and we are forced to watch some twins audition in full.
These twins are Twem, which means Twin in Arabic. The audience laugh at their names and accent. The camera pans to a dark skinned lady laughing also which makes it ok. They wear River Island scarves and dance around to Lady Gaga. Their accents are garbled, even compared to Gaga. They are quite bad but Louis looks like he’s about to rub himself. Or rub them. Cheryl dances a little in her seat. As long as she doesn’t sing a little, that’s fine. The crowd cheer but don’t stand up. I don’t think they give Standing Os to “towelheads.” Shame on them.
4. STORM LEE – ‘Cos you’re the Storm that I believe in’
Storm goes on in his audition VT about very little. I didn’t take notes so it’s gone now and will never again appear in print. Storm is old and American. He greets the judges saying ‘I was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ I hate when Americans add the country on the end. It makes it worse when they ask ‘Are you from London, England?’ Just call Edinburgh Edinburgh and London London! If there’s any confusion, or you’re talking to someone really stupid, you can say Edinburgh’s in Scotland or London’s in England afterwards. But don’t assume I’m stupid or have only heard of places in America. Gosh I’ve written so much and he’s even sung yet. Oh but there’s more and none of it edifying. Storm admits he was not born Storm, but has been legally named Storm since his stormy teenage years. Simon says Storm has a stupid name. Storm says ‘yeah but Sting says this show’s shit’ and then sings The Police. Ok then. He doesn’t sing it well. He’s doing Every Breath You Take, a song which will always remind me of New York. I was in a queue in a café for a businesswoman’s special. You know, for businesswomen. This song came on, and then all these other businesswomen in the queue started mouthing along to it. Then I had a bottle of Snapple. I miss America.
Storm’s version makes me want to stay away from America. Simon says he has a stupid name and refuses to call him it. He then makes him sing again. It’s U2 and it’s no better. Cheryl says Simon’s being rude what with refusing to call Storm Storm. I agree with Cheryl. It’s like calling a post-op by their old gender. I bet Simon does that though. Anyway, Simon continues to call him Lee and he gets three yeses. None of them deserved.
5. LIAM – ‘You know the world can see us in a way that’s different from who we are’
Liam got through to judges’ homes a few years ago and was ditched by Simon. Simon wanted Scott Bruton and Eoghan the Eunch instead. Which is I think like choosing between being drowned or being smothered. Liam famously looked up to Troy Bolton. You’ve got to admire someone whose hero is a fictional character. Or pity them as they’re bound to be disappointed by what real life offers.
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the ridiculous Buble Bond theme version) and looks terrified with huge eyes. He then looks possessed with huge eyes. He shouts in an American accent and stalks the stage in a very theatrical way. Theatrical as in ‘for the theatre’ and theatrical as in ‘in the theatre.’ His mother appears to laugh at him backstage. Ha! Cool points for her! The whole thing is weird and of course earns a standing ovation from the twats in the audience. Oh and from Simon and Natalie. I take it back. Imbruglia’s an idiot. Liam looks terrified after and giggles to himself. Simon gives him ‘one.’ Oh, sorry my mistake. That sounds a bit gay. What I meant to write is Simon gives him ‘one massive fat almighty yes.’ That’s much better.
Kisses,
Thex
1. We have a guest judge
For part of the show anyway. And it’s Natalie Imbruglia. You know her, she sang Torn and other hits that weren’t as good as Torn. She’s so pretty that Simon pervs and tells her how pretty she is. She’s so pretty that, as Simon’s saying all this, we get to see an awesome shot of jealous Cheryl Cole drenching herself in make up. Ha! Natalie looks a lot like Dannii Minogue so it’s a comfort to see her. Oh and she’s here to report back to Dannii. She’s practically a mute but she’s a billionth as irritating as Katy ‘Funbags’ Perry.
2. There are auditions in London and Newcastle
Even though this information is repeated a lot, it’s hard to remember where this is all happening. Erm, besides Hell on Earth. I’d much rather go listen to ma Elbow alburm etc etc etc.
3. This show used to be good
Why would I bother writing this blog if it never was? The fact it legitimises my ‘career’ in ‘writing’ isn’t the only reason. No, the show was for many years a pleasure to watch and get all excited and huffy about. Leona and Alexandra and Brenda and Beautiful Spanish Ruth singing the shit out of things was good. ‘With or Without You’ was good. ‘Phantom of the Opera’ was good. Rooting for Same Difference and Eton Road even though it was never going to work out was good. Even Maria Lawson getting kicked off was good because it angered the blood. Oh but now. But now. It has now been three episodes and one whole series since there was someone who (a) made the finals (b) could sing and (c) I really liked. (Though a grudging honourable mention must go to Joe and Jedward, who at least fulfilled two of those criteria each last year.)
The rankings one more time…..
1. ABBEY & LISA – ‘Mama said knock you out’
Their VT is a frantic one. They may be best friends or they may be sisters. Even though one’s much taller, they’re both of similar weights. They talk very quickly and do not seem to think before doing so.
For example, onstage, one of them says Louis is fit but the other says he’s an old man. Oh, Simon helpfully asks if they’re friends or sisters and they answer they’re the first. They say like and randomly and I don’t know a lot so despite talking so quickly, it takes them a long time to say anything. One politely asks the audience to stop laughing at her idiocy. The audience boo and then the same girl hollers SHUT UP. Some of the audience look horrified while some continue booing. The hypocrisy of booing someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is clearly a very smart lady. The girls walk off then walk back on. They sing Shayne Ward who, thanks to his family, is a role model for thugs everywhere. Their timing’s really off and only one sings. It should be a bog-standard, last-place on the rankings bad audition if it were not for what follows.
The one who bothered to sing tells the judges she doesn’t care what they think, before the judging part has even taken place. The mute one then says she does care. The loud one says it was difficult being booed and then the mute one defends the booing audience and their right to free, unfettered expression. They both say ‘at the end of the day’ a lot. The loud one is rude to Imbruglia, asking ‘who are you?’ which infuriates the audience and then – quite excellently – makes the mute one elbow her in the face. Backstage, the mute one vents that it was bad form to insult the star guest judge. The hypocrisy of assaulting someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is no stranger to moral nuance.
2. CHER – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Cher is very nervous backstage and I think at points gets her Mum to answer Dermot’s inane questions. She’s prim and middle class and yet bizarrely is called Cher. She lacks confidence and yet bizarrely is called Cher.
Cher is very nervous onstage and I think at points gets an insipid mouse to answer questions. I refuse to believe a real person could sound that squeaky and wet. She then announces she’s doing a Soulja Boy song I’ve never heard of. Ha! She sings out of the corner of her mouth like a ventriloquist. She sings about the hood and stomps menancingly and the Mum sobs backstage as if it’s all very cute. The vibrato is crazy and at times she gets very jazzy and at times she raps. The audience whoop and get on their feet. Even Simon is full of praise and doesn’t mention the fact that no one has ever heard of this song before. It was a mess. A horrid, horrid mess. I don’t get it. I have lost touch with the common man.
3. LES JEDWARDS – ‘Jedward’s back with a brand new invention’
There are more twins than ever this year we’re told. And of course, we are treated to a montage to “prove” this “point.” The Evans Twins are very sexy and Louis Walsh fancies them. Bejon are not but Louis Walsh fancies them. Defying logic, the latter group go through. But a montage is not enough for the editors and we are forced to watch some twins audition in full.
These twins are Twem, which means Twin in Arabic. The audience laugh at their names and accent. The camera pans to a dark skinned lady laughing also which makes it ok. They wear River Island scarves and dance around to Lady Gaga. Their accents are garbled, even compared to Gaga. They are quite bad but Louis looks like he’s about to rub himself. Or rub them. Cheryl dances a little in her seat. As long as she doesn’t sing a little, that’s fine. The crowd cheer but don’t stand up. I don’t think they give Standing Os to “towelheads.” Shame on them.
4. STORM LEE – ‘Cos you’re the Storm that I believe in’
Storm goes on in his audition VT about very little. I didn’t take notes so it’s gone now and will never again appear in print. Storm is old and American. He greets the judges saying ‘I was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ I hate when Americans add the country on the end. It makes it worse when they ask ‘Are you from London, England?’ Just call Edinburgh Edinburgh and London London! If there’s any confusion, or you’re talking to someone really stupid, you can say Edinburgh’s in Scotland or London’s in England afterwards. But don’t assume I’m stupid or have only heard of places in America. Gosh I’ve written so much and he’s even sung yet. Oh but there’s more and none of it edifying. Storm admits he was not born Storm, but has been legally named Storm since his stormy teenage years. Simon says Storm has a stupid name. Storm says ‘yeah but Sting says this show’s shit’ and then sings The Police. Ok then. He doesn’t sing it well. He’s doing Every Breath You Take, a song which will always remind me of New York. I was in a queue in a café for a businesswoman’s special. You know, for businesswomen. This song came on, and then all these other businesswomen in the queue started mouthing along to it. Then I had a bottle of Snapple. I miss America.
Storm’s version makes me want to stay away from America. Simon says he has a stupid name and refuses to call him it. He then makes him sing again. It’s U2 and it’s no better. Cheryl says Simon’s being rude what with refusing to call Storm Storm. I agree with Cheryl. It’s like calling a post-op by their old gender. I bet Simon does that though. Anyway, Simon continues to call him Lee and he gets three yeses. None of them deserved.
5. LIAM – ‘You know the world can see us in a way that’s different from who we are’
Liam got through to judges’ homes a few years ago and was ditched by Simon. Simon wanted Scott Bruton and Eoghan the Eunch instead. Which is I think like choosing between being drowned or being smothered. Liam famously looked up to Troy Bolton. You’ve got to admire someone whose hero is a fictional character. Or pity them as they’re bound to be disappointed by what real life offers.
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the ridiculous Buble Bond theme version) and looks terrified with huge eyes. He then looks possessed with huge eyes. He shouts in an American accent and stalks the stage in a very theatrical way. Theatrical as in ‘for the theatre’ and theatrical as in ‘in the theatre.’ His mother appears to laugh at him backstage. Ha! Cool points for her! The whole thing is weird and of course earns a standing ovation from the twats in the audience. Oh and from Simon and Natalie. I take it back. Imbruglia’s an idiot. Liam looks terrified after and giggles to himself. Simon gives him ‘one.’ Oh, sorry my mistake. That sounds a bit gay. What I meant to write is Simon gives him ‘one massive fat almighty yes.’ That’s much better.
Kisses,
Thex
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Better late than never, but never late is better’
Some salient facts before we begin...
1. I miss Holly Willoughby
Like the deserts miss the rain. Or like I miss desserts in the rain. In case you’ve never bothered to complete your evening’s entertainment with a trip to ITV2, Holly used to present The Xtra Factor. She was genuinely amusing and sweet and yet racy. Like a primary teacher with a past. Oh how I loved her. Konnie Huq has replaced her and is genuinely dull and cold and yet needily wet. In fact, she has the same personality as the soulless presenters Charlie Brooker has made a career out of insulting before using the word ‘cunt’ ‘gouge’ or ‘anus’ in the next paragraph.
2. I miss Dannii too
Everyone’s favourite antipodean judge is off having a baby. So we must cope with guest judges. This week it’s Katy Perry. She has massive eyes and scary cleavage. Even when it’s covered, I know it’s there. Also she seems a right dick. On ITV2, she uses the word 'likableness.' She’s making me not like the only song of hers I like. Alas, Perry is not really as big as Geri Halliwell so her flashy montage doesn’t have much to boast about. 30 Million Singles Worldwide. Oh Wow. Considering she must earn a penny a download, she must be a very rich lady. (God, what are they going to do when it’s Pixie Lott? One Silver album?)
3. I hate montages
There are just so many of them at this stage. One features ‘I Like It’ by Enrique, the world’s most desperate song. I can’t even say the title ‘I Like It’ out loud because that would be a lie. There’s a good montage of groups though. There are boys doing the Saturdays. There are girls doing a mashup version of Walk Like An Egyptian. There are girls and boys doing a Gaga medley. When you have mashups and medleys in a montage, you hear so many songs in so little time. The X Factor becomes a Girl Talk album!
On wit da rankinz blood…..
1. ANNASTACIA – ‘Da da, da da, Dude looks like a lady’
This is going to be a hard one to spell. The best contestants have easy to spell names – Leona, Joe, Shayne, Rickkiy. Annastacia was bad a few years ago at judge’s homes. In her VT she tells her daughter, and by proxy tells us, ‘Never give up on your dreams.’ Oh I did, Annastacia and I’m fine. At least that’s what I say through gritted teeth when people ask.
As she gets ready to sing, Simon says ‘Image is absolutely dreadful. Dreadful.’ I don’t know if she could hear that because that would’ve been quite offputting. She sings Proud Mary. Simon says a tranny could do better. Ha! Simon is now my favourite judge. She is made to sing another song and remove her shoes. It is Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You Feel My Love’ which she says is by Adele. It is very lovely. Her family blub backstage. Then she loses me. Her voice is all over the place towards the end as if she’s doing impressions of four divas at once. Simon calls it cabaret. I agree. He says he wants to scrape her or scrape the cabaret off her or something of this nature. This comment gives him an Ed Gein vibe. Or makes me think Annastacia will be made to put the lotion in the basket around week 2 of the liveshows.
2. MATT – ‘But only if I were a painter’
Third Eye Blind is used on his montage. Oh ace. I want to hear some Barenaked Ladies next week. Or Matchbox 20. Or Marcy Plaground. There just isn’t enough 90s college rock on X Factor.
In his VT, painter/decorator Matt goes on about paint and magnolia and brushstrokes. This is a boring sob story. It is almost as shit as Ben Mills complaining about building marquees or when The Fat Girl Laura bitched because the judges didn’t like her. He sings Winehouse and he’s a bit whiney and awkward. Louis calls him on his awkwardness. I was convinced he was about to forget his words, what with all the pacing and sweating. He ranks second because the show has given up showing me good people.
3. THE REASON – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
‘I just wanna make love to you’ is played during the VT for these “hunks.” I love how X Factor takes its cultural references from old adverts. They’re not even attractive – well two of them definitely aren’t. And the ok looking one is unemployed which doesn’t bode well for a future together. Their VT is boring. “Jls are good and rich and groups never won blah blah”. They do a barbershop cover of Cheryl Cole and think they’re very clever. They are not. This is like track twelve on an old Backstreet Boys album. Or a stupid Live Lounge cover. Oh how I long for Miss Fitz.
4. MARY – ‘The green, green grass of home’
Old checkout lady Mary wants to be a legend like Shirley Bassey. Or Tom Jones. Ah, she wants to be Welsh. This won’t help her win the Irish vote. Though Jedward are huge there despite having weird American accents. She’s doing I (Who Have Nothing) by Tom Jones. Or Shirley Bassey. Oh Why doesn’t she just move to Wales then? She seems very Britain’s Got Talent. There’s a strange club singer accent. The shouting is barely acceptable, even taking into account that it’s a shouty song. The audience whoop and stand and go batshit crazy because they’re pigshit stupid. Dermot is misty. I am not. Katy says she is brave and different and admires the effort. She’s such a playground bitch. Just say you didn’t like it and then call her fugly, Perry. All the judges love it even though it’s awful and has been done so much better on one of these shows.
5. TEMPLE FIRE – ‘So hard for it, honey’
In case those lyrics were too obscure, let me say that Temple Fire work hard for the money. By which I mean, they rehease a lot. They rehearse for five hours a day. sometimes up to six hours. Oh I like the accuracy of this. None of this “I work 24/, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t even stop practising to poo, I’ll die if I can’t go through” hyperbole.
On stage, I like them less. They have tiny voices and are doing Wham. They seem ill-rehearsed which is ironic. I take it back, six hours isn’t enough. Simon says they’re not taking it seriously. Katy Perry shrieks “tell the truth, ginger.” Cheryl doesn’t want to be there. I think for a second this is the episode where she almost dies. But sadly we must wait.
6. MICHAEL – ‘Cos you are not alone, I am here with you’
Michael feels the spirit of Michael Jackson and has decided to dress like him. Michael is out of tune in a strangely tentative way. The judges criticise and the audience boo. He tells them they have no love in their hearts or lives. He says they’re very negative. While telling them off. In what must be a plus for him, he works in Boots. I bet he loves the discount on make up. And probably tampons. Just to see.
Kisses,
Thex
1. I miss Holly Willoughby
Like the deserts miss the rain. Or like I miss desserts in the rain. In case you’ve never bothered to complete your evening’s entertainment with a trip to ITV2, Holly used to present The Xtra Factor. She was genuinely amusing and sweet and yet racy. Like a primary teacher with a past. Oh how I loved her. Konnie Huq has replaced her and is genuinely dull and cold and yet needily wet. In fact, she has the same personality as the soulless presenters Charlie Brooker has made a career out of insulting before using the word ‘cunt’ ‘gouge’ or ‘anus’ in the next paragraph.
2. I miss Dannii too
Everyone’s favourite antipodean judge is off having a baby. So we must cope with guest judges. This week it’s Katy Perry. She has massive eyes and scary cleavage. Even when it’s covered, I know it’s there. Also she seems a right dick. On ITV2, she uses the word 'likableness.' She’s making me not like the only song of hers I like. Alas, Perry is not really as big as Geri Halliwell so her flashy montage doesn’t have much to boast about. 30 Million Singles Worldwide. Oh Wow. Considering she must earn a penny a download, she must be a very rich lady. (God, what are they going to do when it’s Pixie Lott? One Silver album?)
3. I hate montages
There are just so many of them at this stage. One features ‘I Like It’ by Enrique, the world’s most desperate song. I can’t even say the title ‘I Like It’ out loud because that would be a lie. There’s a good montage of groups though. There are boys doing the Saturdays. There are girls doing a mashup version of Walk Like An Egyptian. There are girls and boys doing a Gaga medley. When you have mashups and medleys in a montage, you hear so many songs in so little time. The X Factor becomes a Girl Talk album!
On wit da rankinz blood…..
1. ANNASTACIA – ‘Da da, da da, Dude looks like a lady’
This is going to be a hard one to spell. The best contestants have easy to spell names – Leona, Joe, Shayne, Rickkiy. Annastacia was bad a few years ago at judge’s homes. In her VT she tells her daughter, and by proxy tells us, ‘Never give up on your dreams.’ Oh I did, Annastacia and I’m fine. At least that’s what I say through gritted teeth when people ask.
As she gets ready to sing, Simon says ‘Image is absolutely dreadful. Dreadful.’ I don’t know if she could hear that because that would’ve been quite offputting. She sings Proud Mary. Simon says a tranny could do better. Ha! Simon is now my favourite judge. She is made to sing another song and remove her shoes. It is Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You Feel My Love’ which she says is by Adele. It is very lovely. Her family blub backstage. Then she loses me. Her voice is all over the place towards the end as if she’s doing impressions of four divas at once. Simon calls it cabaret. I agree. He says he wants to scrape her or scrape the cabaret off her or something of this nature. This comment gives him an Ed Gein vibe. Or makes me think Annastacia will be made to put the lotion in the basket around week 2 of the liveshows.
2. MATT – ‘But only if I were a painter’
Third Eye Blind is used on his montage. Oh ace. I want to hear some Barenaked Ladies next week. Or Matchbox 20. Or Marcy Plaground. There just isn’t enough 90s college rock on X Factor.
In his VT, painter/decorator Matt goes on about paint and magnolia and brushstrokes. This is a boring sob story. It is almost as shit as Ben Mills complaining about building marquees or when The Fat Girl Laura bitched because the judges didn’t like her. He sings Winehouse and he’s a bit whiney and awkward. Louis calls him on his awkwardness. I was convinced he was about to forget his words, what with all the pacing and sweating. He ranks second because the show has given up showing me good people.
3. THE REASON – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
‘I just wanna make love to you’ is played during the VT for these “hunks.” I love how X Factor takes its cultural references from old adverts. They’re not even attractive – well two of them definitely aren’t. And the ok looking one is unemployed which doesn’t bode well for a future together. Their VT is boring. “Jls are good and rich and groups never won blah blah”. They do a barbershop cover of Cheryl Cole and think they’re very clever. They are not. This is like track twelve on an old Backstreet Boys album. Or a stupid Live Lounge cover. Oh how I long for Miss Fitz.
4. MARY – ‘The green, green grass of home’
Old checkout lady Mary wants to be a legend like Shirley Bassey. Or Tom Jones. Ah, she wants to be Welsh. This won’t help her win the Irish vote. Though Jedward are huge there despite having weird American accents. She’s doing I (Who Have Nothing) by Tom Jones. Or Shirley Bassey. Oh Why doesn’t she just move to Wales then? She seems very Britain’s Got Talent. There’s a strange club singer accent. The shouting is barely acceptable, even taking into account that it’s a shouty song. The audience whoop and stand and go batshit crazy because they’re pigshit stupid. Dermot is misty. I am not. Katy says she is brave and different and admires the effort. She’s such a playground bitch. Just say you didn’t like it and then call her fugly, Perry. All the judges love it even though it’s awful and has been done so much better on one of these shows.
5. TEMPLE FIRE – ‘So hard for it, honey’
In case those lyrics were too obscure, let me say that Temple Fire work hard for the money. By which I mean, they rehease a lot. They rehearse for five hours a day. sometimes up to six hours. Oh I like the accuracy of this. None of this “I work 24/, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t even stop practising to poo, I’ll die if I can’t go through” hyperbole.
On stage, I like them less. They have tiny voices and are doing Wham. They seem ill-rehearsed which is ironic. I take it back, six hours isn’t enough. Simon says they’re not taking it seriously. Katy Perry shrieks “tell the truth, ginger.” Cheryl doesn’t want to be there. I think for a second this is the episode where she almost dies. But sadly we must wait.
6. MICHAEL – ‘Cos you are not alone, I am here with you’
Michael feels the spirit of Michael Jackson and has decided to dress like him. Michael is out of tune in a strangely tentative way. The judges criticise and the audience boo. He tells them they have no love in their hearts or lives. He says they’re very negative. While telling them off. In what must be a plus for him, he works in Boots. I bet he loves the discount on make up. And probably tampons. Just to see.
Kisses,
Thex
Monday, 23 August 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 1 – ‘When did you become Robocop?’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. Simon, Louis and Cheryl are rich
And get a large-fonted montage listing all their achievements. Simon has had 100 number ones. How exciting. And only one of them is Say Eh Oh. In America, you can have about ten number ones with the same song though. Cheryl is a gutter thug who the nation loves, even before she tried to help them with their limp, lifeless, strawlike hair. Louis is also there.
2. Dannii Minogue is too pregnant to sit and say very little
It must be a massive baby. She’s given birth to it now though. Hopefully it did’t hurt too much. They’re replacing her with guest judges every week who’ve all sold more records than her. Well, except Pixie Lott. Cheryl Cole will steal Dannii’s thunder soon and have malaria and be replaced by guest judges too.
3. The producers haven’t heard “Death of Autotune”
Yes, the sound mixers have decided to autotune the contestants we’re meant to like. This is step up from having Stacey and Jedward mime along most weeks. And giving Danyl a children’s choir. The problem with autotune though is it sounds really obvious, unnatural and shit. And it made the contestants sound the latter. There is a reason we all made fun of Believe by Cher. There is a reason JLS’s The Club is Alive is so awful. It is called autotune. I hope the producers stop using it next week. It’s bad enough I have to put up with the live audience giving everyone a standing ovation. I will struggle to write this blog every week.
On with the rankings…
1. KATIE – ‘I love your friends, they're all so arty’
Katie dresses like 80s Madonna and talks like a recently bereaved receptionist. Self-consciously soft. Eerily calm but wet. Katie loves the 80s and says her idols are Freddie Mercury and Etta James. Etta James isn’t 80s though. Even the Diet Coke ad was 9s. You’re confusing me Casey.
Simon bans her from singing At Last and she rambles and messes up the lyrics to her back up. It’s We Are The Champions. Couldn’t she have cut to the chorus? That bit's easy. She wins top ranking this week because she says to Louis ‘Please Sir, can I sing At Last?’ I doubt even bathroom attendants call Louis Sir. She sings At Last and it’s very breathy and cutesy but at least they haven’t autotuned her to hell. I don’t remember the audience being bothered which helps me like her.
2. SHIRLENA – ‘Does that make me crazy?’
Shirlena is instantly fabulous because she has the same vocal coach as Shirley Bassey and kind of the same speaking voice as Makosi from Big Brother. She’s doing her own version of Mercy and my is it her own version.
She says Release You, Release Me a lot in a breathy, quaky voice. Note the verb here: she says it, she does not sing it. She growls and squeaks and writhes around on the floor. I know I say that about all the quirky singers but I must stress how literal I am being. She makes noises, not notes. The whole process lasts for about five minutes and the audience are baffled. It could be that they don’t think it’s appropriate to laugh at someone this unhinged. Or maybe it’s only funny to them when the people are fat? I think this is the funniest audition I have seen since Althea 'Lotty' Gaye. The boys put Shirlena through after she admits she came up with new lyrics last night then forgot them. I think producers want a new Jedward.
3. GAMU – ‘This is just violent, death of autotune, moment of silence’
Gamu is from Africa and has a Mum wearing a nice jumper. Gamu herself wears a flower in her hair. She’s very Vickers isn’t she? Scratch that – Vickers probably had straw in her hair.
Gamu tells us she's singing Katrina & The Waves and Simon groans because that song is awful. She says she’s doing her own version. Said version involves removing all the lyrics about Walking on Sunshine and instead singing about how the man’s got to go. She scowls and yelps and shimmies. It’s ok but the autotune makes her sound less like a girl with a flower in her hair and more like a girl with a clam made out of metal.
4. G&S – ‘I don’t really care that you are queer’
She’s a fat female fast food operative. He’s a gay social worker. Conflict, you bet! G&S (or Gay & Straight) are an unusual match in that they are both ugly in such strong, different ways.
They sing Don’t Stop Believin’ and it is a game of two halves. The gay man cannot sing and gets heckles. He looks a bit like a ravaged Chuckle Brother. The straight lady cannot sing but is heavily autotuned and the audience whoop and holler every time she sings a line. I think the moral is straight people are better and people like them more.
Straight is encouraged to audition alone and it takes her less than a second to agree and dump Gay. Gay then goes running off and you would think he’s doing it in a big diva strop but no – he’s going to set up a new backing track for Straight. It’s very sweet but very staged. Straight is so pub singer awful that parts of me shrivel. She goes through and Gay is congratulated by the judges for being a nice chap. Invite him for tea then, Cowell. Put your money where your mouth is. Or set him up with McElderry because they're bound to get along.
5. STEPHEN – ‘I don’t belong here’
I had to look up who the others were so I don’t think they deserve a full recap. Stephen is fat and loves Tina Turner. He is a Househusband but based on accent, face, need to please and personality, it seems far more likely he is a Housecivilpartner. I loathe him. He sings Disco Inferno which I learn was a Tina Turner hit in the mid 90s. He is out of tune and shouts. He is put through and I struggle to understand why. Until I remember last year when they were all out of tune and prone to shouting.
God, do you remember last year? Why are doing this again?
6. JAHM – ‘Ra ra, up pa pa’
Jahm met on the Internet to work on their auditions and are all different races. If they met on the Internet to work on a bomb, they’d be a Daily Mail wet dream. Sadly, this was not to be. They do Bad Romance and are not autotuned because we’re not meant to like them. They can’t even do the spoken word bits convincingly or tunefully. It is very bad. Cheryl even calls them shocking. I would give her money to call them weak, limp and lifeless. And then to sing live.
Kisses
Thex Factor
1. Simon, Louis and Cheryl are rich
And get a large-fonted montage listing all their achievements. Simon has had 100 number ones. How exciting. And only one of them is Say Eh Oh. In America, you can have about ten number ones with the same song though. Cheryl is a gutter thug who the nation loves, even before she tried to help them with their limp, lifeless, strawlike hair. Louis is also there.
2. Dannii Minogue is too pregnant to sit and say very little
It must be a massive baby. She’s given birth to it now though. Hopefully it did’t hurt too much. They’re replacing her with guest judges every week who’ve all sold more records than her. Well, except Pixie Lott. Cheryl Cole will steal Dannii’s thunder soon and have malaria and be replaced by guest judges too.
3. The producers haven’t heard “Death of Autotune”
Yes, the sound mixers have decided to autotune the contestants we’re meant to like. This is step up from having Stacey and Jedward mime along most weeks. And giving Danyl a children’s choir. The problem with autotune though is it sounds really obvious, unnatural and shit. And it made the contestants sound the latter. There is a reason we all made fun of Believe by Cher. There is a reason JLS’s The Club is Alive is so awful. It is called autotune. I hope the producers stop using it next week. It’s bad enough I have to put up with the live audience giving everyone a standing ovation. I will struggle to write this blog every week.
On with the rankings…
1. KATIE – ‘I love your friends, they're all so arty’
Katie dresses like 80s Madonna and talks like a recently bereaved receptionist. Self-consciously soft. Eerily calm but wet. Katie loves the 80s and says her idols are Freddie Mercury and Etta James. Etta James isn’t 80s though. Even the Diet Coke ad was 9s. You’re confusing me Casey.
Simon bans her from singing At Last and she rambles and messes up the lyrics to her back up. It’s We Are The Champions. Couldn’t she have cut to the chorus? That bit's easy. She wins top ranking this week because she says to Louis ‘Please Sir, can I sing At Last?’ I doubt even bathroom attendants call Louis Sir. She sings At Last and it’s very breathy and cutesy but at least they haven’t autotuned her to hell. I don’t remember the audience being bothered which helps me like her.
2. SHIRLENA – ‘Does that make me crazy?’
Shirlena is instantly fabulous because she has the same vocal coach as Shirley Bassey and kind of the same speaking voice as Makosi from Big Brother. She’s doing her own version of Mercy and my is it her own version.
She says Release You, Release Me a lot in a breathy, quaky voice. Note the verb here: she says it, she does not sing it. She growls and squeaks and writhes around on the floor. I know I say that about all the quirky singers but I must stress how literal I am being. She makes noises, not notes. The whole process lasts for about five minutes and the audience are baffled. It could be that they don’t think it’s appropriate to laugh at someone this unhinged. Or maybe it’s only funny to them when the people are fat? I think this is the funniest audition I have seen since Althea 'Lotty' Gaye. The boys put Shirlena through after she admits she came up with new lyrics last night then forgot them. I think producers want a new Jedward.
3. GAMU – ‘This is just violent, death of autotune, moment of silence’
Gamu is from Africa and has a Mum wearing a nice jumper. Gamu herself wears a flower in her hair. She’s very Vickers isn’t she? Scratch that – Vickers probably had straw in her hair.
Gamu tells us she's singing Katrina & The Waves and Simon groans because that song is awful. She says she’s doing her own version. Said version involves removing all the lyrics about Walking on Sunshine and instead singing about how the man’s got to go. She scowls and yelps and shimmies. It’s ok but the autotune makes her sound less like a girl with a flower in her hair and more like a girl with a clam made out of metal.
4. G&S – ‘I don’t really care that you are queer’
She’s a fat female fast food operative. He’s a gay social worker. Conflict, you bet! G&S (or Gay & Straight) are an unusual match in that they are both ugly in such strong, different ways.
They sing Don’t Stop Believin’ and it is a game of two halves. The gay man cannot sing and gets heckles. He looks a bit like a ravaged Chuckle Brother. The straight lady cannot sing but is heavily autotuned and the audience whoop and holler every time she sings a line. I think the moral is straight people are better and people like them more.
Straight is encouraged to audition alone and it takes her less than a second to agree and dump Gay. Gay then goes running off and you would think he’s doing it in a big diva strop but no – he’s going to set up a new backing track for Straight. It’s very sweet but very staged. Straight is so pub singer awful that parts of me shrivel. She goes through and Gay is congratulated by the judges for being a nice chap. Invite him for tea then, Cowell. Put your money where your mouth is. Or set him up with McElderry because they're bound to get along.
5. STEPHEN – ‘I don’t belong here’
I had to look up who the others were so I don’t think they deserve a full recap. Stephen is fat and loves Tina Turner. He is a Househusband but based on accent, face, need to please and personality, it seems far more likely he is a Housecivilpartner. I loathe him. He sings Disco Inferno which I learn was a Tina Turner hit in the mid 90s. He is out of tune and shouts. He is put through and I struggle to understand why. Until I remember last year when they were all out of tune and prone to shouting.
God, do you remember last year? Why are doing this again?
6. JAHM – ‘Ra ra, up pa pa’
Jahm met on the Internet to work on their auditions and are all different races. If they met on the Internet to work on a bomb, they’d be a Daily Mail wet dream. Sadly, this was not to be. They do Bad Romance and are not autotuned because we’re not meant to like them. They can’t even do the spoken word bits convincingly or tunefully. It is very bad. Cheryl even calls them shocking. I would give her money to call them weak, limp and lifeless. And then to sing live.
Kisses
Thex Factor
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
#36 With A Bullet
The X Factor restarts on Saturday and I cannot wait. I am deliberately abstaining from all alcohol, fun and social contact until this point so that I can best experience the highs and lows of the show. I might even stop bowel movements to fully eliminate any pleasure. Come Saturday, I will laugh at the sob stories and weep at the sob stories so much I will snot.
And for the successful contestants, it will be good too. They can see themselves on screen and think they will be big stars like Diana Vickers, Alexander Burke and JLS, some of the most acclaimed acts ever on the show. They too can chart at #36 with their second single, rerelease their album twice and sample Julie Andrews in desperate search of a chorus.
And for the successful contestants, it will be good too. They can see themselves on screen and think they will be big stars like Diana Vickers, Alexander Burke and JLS, some of the most acclaimed acts ever on the show. They too can chart at #36 with their second single, rerelease their album twice and sample Julie Andrews in desperate search of a chorus.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
Rubbish Talent Show Wrap Ups!
As Thexfactor and all its staff enjoy a leisurely sabbatical (or should it be hiatus?) until the return of The X Factor, it feels sporting to take a look at the other, arguably shitter talent shows that have been running in the gap.
Homosexuals and the stupid will mourn the end of American Idol - until next year. A slightly tubby but no less sexy for it, Lee Dewyze scooped victory. Imagine if Jamie Afro could sing, had better hair but was equally fake and considered Hinder and Snow Patrol to be the extreme end of RAWK. That's Lee Dewyze
The more homosexual but equally stupid must study their angles and smize alone sobbing into the mirror until the return of America's Next Top Model. Which I think is in September. Barely enough time for the wound to heal! The viciously, hilariously thug Krista won the show despite being dead old. Imagine Naomi Campbell when she was just starting out, only make her all wrinkly so she'll never be taken seriously, and put her on a barely watched but highly derided TV show so she'll never be taken seriously, and keep her just as angry. That's Krista
The infinitely less homosexual but infinitely more stupid have had their ration of Britain's Got Talent for the year and must immediately return to smoking on their porches and shitting themselves. I admit to watching the final last night out of morbid curiosity and, to save you the trouble of ever watching it yourself, let me assure you it was shit. A bald man did bad impressions of Little Britain and was praised by Amanda Holden for being "current." Even the Little Britain stars aren't current - they have to redo their old jokes on building society ads now. Stfu Holden. Gymnasts Spellbound secured victory and will get to perform to the Queen. Imagine the Cirque du Soleil cast, only make them wag orange and squealy, replace the Beatles soundtrack with Rhydian Fucking Roberts and take away the dancing snails. That's Spellbound. Ghastly.
Kisses until The X Factor,
Thexfactor
Homosexuals and the stupid will mourn the end of American Idol - until next year. A slightly tubby but no less sexy for it, Lee Dewyze scooped victory. Imagine if Jamie Afro could sing, had better hair but was equally fake and considered Hinder and Snow Patrol to be the extreme end of RAWK. That's Lee Dewyze
The more homosexual but equally stupid must study their angles and smize alone sobbing into the mirror until the return of America's Next Top Model. Which I think is in September. Barely enough time for the wound to heal! The viciously, hilariously thug Krista won the show despite being dead old. Imagine Naomi Campbell when she was just starting out, only make her all wrinkly so she'll never be taken seriously, and put her on a barely watched but highly derided TV show so she'll never be taken seriously, and keep her just as angry. That's Krista
The infinitely less homosexual but infinitely more stupid have had their ration of Britain's Got Talent for the year and must immediately return to smoking on their porches and shitting themselves. I admit to watching the final last night out of morbid curiosity and, to save you the trouble of ever watching it yourself, let me assure you it was shit. A bald man did bad impressions of Little Britain and was praised by Amanda Holden for being "current." Even the Little Britain stars aren't current - they have to redo their old jokes on building society ads now. Stfu Holden. Gymnasts Spellbound secured victory and will get to perform to the Queen. Imagine the Cirque du Soleil cast, only make them wag orange and squealy, replace the Beatles soundtrack with Rhydian Fucking Roberts and take away the dancing snails. That's Spellbound. Ghastly.
Kisses until The X Factor,
Thexfactor
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