These are the salient facts as we begin….
1. It is judges’ homes week
These are always my favourite shows. We’re at the stage now where we see good people sing. Well, sort of. There is Oliver Murs this year after all. Last year Austin, Scott and the fat girl really shined at this stage so that shows how much I know. We also get the results show where people are put through or sent home and both the contestants and myself spend a good hour crying. Although not this year because I was made very angry by many decisions
2. Louis went to Italy with the groups and Ronan Keating
Ronan Keating looks very old but was surprisingly frank. A good guest judge I thought and one who made it clear how much he loathed the Twilight porn twins.
The reinstated Hood Harmony were allowed back but are clearly not going through because they’re rubbish AND Louis doesn’t want to live out his twin fantasy. Manufactured girl group Miss Frank were heaps of fun and rapped in Spanish. Boring girl group Project A were pretty shrill (when it would have been much better to be pretty but shrill) and one looks distractingly like Saffia from Big Brother. Girl group Kandy Rain, who used to be strippers, won me over with a tight Lady Gaga cover. I’d prejudged them but they really do prove that just cos she dance a go go, it don’t make her a ho no. De-Tour are the new Journey South or MacDonald Brothers, two years too late. John & Edward are twins who could both be the ugly one who doesn’t sing in many 90s boybands.
Louis puts through the dynamic Kandy Rain, the dynamic-er Miss Frank and the dynamism-free John & Edward. I don’t understand the appeal of twins myself. And that’s on both an erotic and a spiritual level: incest isn’t fit and also they have half a soul each. But Louis has every right to vote with his dick if he wants.
3. Dannii went to Dubai with the girls and with Kylie
Stacey from Dagenham continues to be awesome every time we see her. This time she did ‘Over The Rainbow’ which this show has a habit of giving the winner to sing (e.g. Leona, Shayne). It does concern me though that she always looks like a panic attack is imminent. Rachel Adedeji is becoming similarly reliable, this time doing Pink, and Lucie continued her fast progress and looked much better with a tan.
Nicole, a girl we’ve only ever seen in montages, sang with a Duffy/Paloma Faith accent and forgot her words so is a dick on two levels. Stacey from S Club Juniors is another one we’ve only seen in montages and so I thought she might be good because she’s made it this far. Wrong! She’s shit. So shit that the Britney song she’s covering is “too big for her.” So shit it’s clear why she wasn’t asked to join The Saturdays with the other Juniors. Cypriot Despina was rapsy and unpleasant and clearly paled in comparison to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. It is very telling and worth noting that Despina was the only act who I had to look up to write this recap. She’s a bore.
Dagenham Stacey, Lucie and Rachel go through and I am relieved. I am looking forward to all three’s first performance.
Dannii gets a lot of flack but she is the only judge to pick the three best singers in her category. And to pick three artists who are commercially viable. And to pick no contestants who are clearly dicks. She cannot get enough credit for this.
4. Cheryl went to Morocca with some gays
Ok I want to stress I’m not being libellous here. When I say ‘some gays’, I don’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘bad’, I mean ‘gay’ as in ‘shit.’ And with FLAMING mannerisms. And who seemed just a bit too excited that Will Young was the guest mentor.
There’s Joseph who still sings like a girl on top of a mechanical crab during a Euro Disney parade. There’s Ethan who is fit but has a dubious penchant for stroking his competitors. There’s Daniel, the musical theatre man who can’t stop singing badly to the back rows. There’s Duane who you’ll remember once auditioned with Beyoncé’s ‘Broken Hearted Girl.’ There’s Ricckkiy whose love of hats and falsetto makes him seem like the clingy ex-boyfriend of a Justin Timberlake strippogram. This category is dreadful this year. 16 year-old Lloyd’s voice hasn’t broken for definite but he is the butchest one in this mob. Also, his cover of I’m Yours (the song he was panned for doing at his first audition) was confident and hip by this show’s standards.
I call so much bullshit about Cheryl’s section. First there was the nonsense where she was about to send Daniel home then walked off to reconsider then booted him anyway. Then there was pretending Duane was out of tune (a trick they’ve pulled to eliminate the better singer before.) Then there was the putting through Joseph (ugly, bad singer, creepy) and not Ethan (fit, okay singer, fit). Cheryl Cole is a wanker this year.
5. Simon went to L.A. with some codgers
Simon is a wanker also. And, clearly, not always right.
The editors’ least favourite and very obvious cannon fodder Treyc sang very well but Simon doubted her star quality. Daniel from One True Voice was given a George Michael issues record and sang the shit out of it. Nicole stomped her fat foot three times and growled in the hopes she’d suddenly become Jennifer Hudson.
Jamie Afro creeped me the fuck out with both a whiney Oasis cover and his bug eyes. Danyl oversang Alicia Keys’s ‘Fallin” and earned Simon’s ire. He’s also become very, very posh. I thought he was a P.E. teacher – whose P.E. teacher talks like that? Oliver Murs still can’t sing, still can’t dance and still has boss eyes, a flat face, a receding hairline, a woman’s bust and a big-ass mole. It troubles me that the judges think that this and creepy-as Joseph look like popstars.
Simon kicks out the best singers because Treyc’s boring, because Nicole’s a club singer ham and because Daniel’s already had a go on the fame bicycle. I will miss Daniel and think of him daily. He puts through Oliver, Danyl and Jamie Afro and I get a little bit sick in my mouth. The latter two could well win but Oliver has no business on that stage.
On with the rankings in anticipation of the first live show….
1. STACEY
Stacey is the new Leona. I sense it. She can sing ballads very well. She lacks self-confidence. Her personality is not instantly abrasive. She is fug from some angles. She also has the Leona curls. I predict good things.
2. RACHEL
She had me at ‘Last Request.’ The lesbian hair is a shame but I’m sure the stylists will deal with that.
3. MISS FRANK
There’s not been enough Spanish rapping on this show before. I’m not saying I want to see it again but Miss Frank are cool.
4. KANDY RAIN
And so are these tramps! Both their judges’ home performances were good and I can’t help but get the feeling they can sing. My fear is they’ll go first week. At least one contestant with a vagina has been eliminated week one of every X Factor series so far. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
5. LUCIE
Yes, the whole ‘girl from the valleys with a dream’ thing is annoying and clearly not true. But Lucie has shown enough vocal chops for this high place on the ranking.
6. LLOYD
His second go at an I’m Yours cover was very good. And he is the only man in the contest who I don’t have a barely concealed personal problem with. So kudos to Llyod!
7. DANYL
Simon needs to have a good shout at him. Then Simon will give him very obvious songs to sing well. Perhaps Song For You? She’s The One? They trot that out every year. This plan could work and he could zoom to the top of this list.
8. JAMIE AFRO
Jamie gets some cool points for swearing at Simon but I still don’t like his voice or his face. Also the rockstar outfit is annoying when you sing covers in bad pubs or on bad TV shows.
9. RICCIKY
I will spell his name correctly when he sings a melody correctly. That is all.
10. JOHN & EDWARD
“Bella, you know I can’t kiss you because I’m a vampire. But my twin can eat your –”
11. OLIVER
I get so many hits from people searching for info on his jumper. It was a very nice jumper. And I imagine he bought it from TopMan or River Island. Because he’s a top lad! I have no idea why he’s been put through.
12. JOSEPH
I know why Joseph’s gone through (he’s from Newcastle, he’s this year’s creepy stage school kid a la Eoghan/Ray) but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Danyl and Stacey need to be awesome so that this clown doesn’t win. He will make the final though, the creepy stage school kid usually does.
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