Thexfactor Recap 2 - Just a jacknife

I enjoyed my hilarious recap last week very much but it was a little slapdash. I have not been giving it 110%. Now I will.
I took notes on Saturday so this recap will be better informed yet just as hilarious as the last, if not more.

These are the facts you need to know.

1. There are 4 judges
Louis Walsh is/was the mentor for 4 boys who are in a group. Louis Walsh has never married.
Simon Cowell is/was the mentor for 3 boys who are not in a group. Simon Cowell has never married.
Cheryl Cole looks after 3 girls who are not in a group. Cheryl Cole is married to a footballer.
Dannii Minogue looks over 3 people who are very old. Dannii Minogue is not currently married.


2. It was Big Band week.
This meant there was a big band on stage. The big band has 33 members, which was less than the 40 that had been touted online.
Perhaps seven were sacked because they gave 100%? This is still a very high amount but not high enough.
The contestants were not singing on top of a tinny backing track and performed better.

3. All the contestants have a single and sang it for the first time during the results show.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero and all 12 sing on the actual record.
Daniel and Ruth did not get to sing live with the others as apparently their door wouldn’t open.
I think they were miming because they don’t usually all sound that good. It was unclear which contestant had the most bits to sing and therefore which contestant ‘the man’ wants to win.
How much you want to like the song probably depends on how much you like (a) covers (b) Mariah Carey (c) the X Factor contestants.
I couldn’t help but wonder: why would Simon call Alexandra predictable last week for doing Mariah Carey when he knew he was going to make them all sing Mariah Carey the next week?

4. Next week is disco week.
I am not looking forward to this because last year’s disco week was not very good and because Will Young is the celebrity guest. Will Young has never released a disco single so he seems an odd choice. I think the producers played a very short game of word association that went:
Disco?
Gay
Will Young!


On with the rankings. Where will your favourite be?

1. LAURA – “Big Girl, you are beautiful”
Laura came off very well on her VT (the segment before they sing where everything is dramatic). She says ‘them doors’ instead of ‘those doors’ because she speaks in a regional dialect. Her parents ripped the piss out of her for being a shy, shy bitch with a tiny speaking voice. We saw lots of the contestants’ parents this week, to show that the contestants are nice people, and Laura’s parents were among my favourites.
She sang God Bless The Child and started off lying down on a furry rug. When she belted, she sounded better than when she didn’t but she always sounded good. It was (relatively) controlled and all the trills and whistles were at the right times and for the right lengths. She also wore a dress that didn’t make her look fat. In fact, she looked very good.
The judges told her: ‘You are Star Quality.’ Grammar aside, it’s hard to disagree. Her mentor who is not a racist cried. She was the first singer that night to be very good and the first of many to receive a standing ovation from the judges.
Runs, range and a nice dress. It’s not hard to be brilliant on this show. Well done Laura.

2. DIANA – “And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind”
Diana was worried on her VT because it was Big Band week and not Small Voice week and she didn’t think she would do well.
Princess Diana is clearly the best one here but she loses points for not wailing pleasantly as she did on Hallelujah and With or Without You.
She had the best set decoration as she got to sit on an enormous swing and actually got to play on the swing when singing wasn’t required. Laura’s furry rug suddenly seemed very cheap.
She sang Smile and it was lovely. I think she’s been told what people find annoying so that she becomes less like Marmite and more like a megaselling singer. Note: she flapped her hands around less and didn’t hiccup or hiccough constantly.
The judges loved it and Simon said she was special and did not mean this in a mean, primary-school insult way.

3. RUTH – “I didn’t know that you could dance like that”
Ruth reminded us all on her VT that she doesn’t want to sing in Spanish even though Simon told her to. Ruth reminds us that England is an English speaking country and she thinks it best to sing in English. Mama Lorenzo didn’t raise no fool!
We see Mama Lorenzo on the VT and she is small, cries and has to be subtitled because she speaks in Spanish. Which kind of proves Ruth and Dannii’s point that Ruth singing in a foreign language might be problematic.
Simon was having none of this and said on this VT, ‘You’re Spanish, be Spanish.’ He then compared Ruth’s singing in English to one fruit trying to be another type of fruit. Simon should work for the UN as he is sensitive and understands every nuance of the issues regarding nationality and because he is ALWAYS RIGHT.
Ruth sang Summertime in English very well. It was a bit vampy, and the twins were a bit too exposed and some of the power notes were a bit too powerful for a song written as a lullaby.
That said, it was heaps of fun, the twins were impressive and this show is about doing power notes well and she did. Anyway, she earns the crucial points for appearing to do a Carmen McRae arrangement and for being ace on all her VTs.
The judges loved it because they remembered Ruth can sing. Simon said it was wise to sing that song in English and he should know because he is always right.


4. AUSTIN – “He’s gotta be so macho”
Austin’s VT was the most hilarious. He was very upset last week because the judges didn’t like his cover of a cover of Billie Jean. Simon once again praised this cover of a cover of a cover for being ‘different.’ Austin wants to be a serious artist and says if he’s just going to do note-for-note covers (or covers of covers of covers) he should go on Stars in their Eyes and wear a costume!
Simon and Austin’s fool-proof way to show he is an artist was to get him to sing Mack the Knife as only true artists do rote covers of this. He sang well and bounced around which is certainly jaunty but quite inappropriate.
The song is about a jacknife, traces of red, red blood and bodies strewn on sidewalks, or pavements. It is not a song for bouncing around to. It is not The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers.
Anyway, the judges liked it regardless and then Dermot asked Austin’s dad what he thought and Austin’s dad said it was ‘alright.’ Mr. Drage was my favourite parent of the night by far.

5. RACHEL – “Fix up, look sharp”
Rachel was never going to be last this week if only because this week they gave her a haircut that didn’t make her look like a teenage girl who hurt herself today, to see if she still feels.
Rachel continues to come off as a twat on her VTs. Apparently she and Dannii do not work together very well. We hear this is the first time that Rachel let Dannii pick her song and then didn’t have a massive strop about it for the rest of the week.
This minor act of respect for her mentor made her sing better. Funny that.
It was growly in a good way and there were impressive runs and it showed that Rachel has some ability as a very affected soul singer. I say ‘some’ because she continues to sound like a foghorn at times and because she gets very flat at the oddest times.
For example, when she has to do anything punchy (it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day etc.) she resorts to shouting, and not even shouting pleasantly and in tune as Kelly Clarkson loves to do. She shouts as if someone’s just put gravy on her chips instead of curry or the driver won’t accept her bus pass. The fact that she always sings with a ‘what you looking at?’ stinkface doesn’t help this.
The judges loved it.

6. ALEXANDRA – “Like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife”
Alex cried on her VT because Laura and Diana are more interesting and the judges like them better. Though I praise her for being a reality TV contestant with some self-awareness I don’t exactly feel sorry for her. This is the worst sob story in the history of The X Factor. ‘My wife is dead’ and ‘My Mum has MS’ are legitimate problems. ‘The other singers are better than me’ is not.
Anyway, Alexandra has been told off previously for being predictable and singing Whitney and Mariah. So she is made to sing Candyman by Christina Aguilera. Because this is better?
Whitney, Mariah, Christina – there is no name that feels out of place on that list. It is a list of shouty women. Christina was not a madcap choice here.
For whatever reason, the judges did not find this predictable and praised her for singing a very difficult song well. I don’t get it on many levels. They praised her for being a great artist. She left happy and no longer aware of her increasing pointlessness.

7. EOGHAN – “I got no strings to hold me down”
From Eoghan’s VT we learned he can’t boil an egg.
His performance should in theory be no more interesting but it was. It was hilarious.
Eoghan did an uptempo song this week, L O V E, and his eyebrows went crazy as he tried to deliver a dynamic performance. He jumped around the stage with his arms stretched out like a crazed wolfman ready to attack. He also had enormous hair. I think they’ve given him extensions. What with the prancing and the big hair, he looked like a sexless Russell Brand.
He also had to do runs as producers have clearly told him that only Diana is allowed to sing with any subtlety.
The judges loved it because he usually sings ballads and he didn’t this time. He got a standing ovation from the judges just like Laura. In fact, only three acts didn’t get one for their big band songs. They’re my bottom three.

8. SCOTT – “That’s my goal”
We learned from Scott’s VT that the 9 to 5 lifestyle isn’t for him. And that his Mum is a nurse and his Dad is a taxi driver. There was no mention of Shayne Ward,or the pub they both drink in, which I think cost him votes. I would like to know what Shayne Ward drinks. Is it a spritzer laced with tears?
He performed That’s Life in tune but without making any changes to it. Plus, there were no runs and his voice sounded thin. He couldn’t really compete with the bigger singers and the more interesting singers as a result.
He sadly didn’t do the Westlife cover of this song that changes the lyrics to ‘That’s Life – Westlife!’ This would have made the performance more memorable at least.
The judges were unenthused and Scott looked like he’d cry and/or hit Louis. Hate crime!
When Scott realised he was in the bottom two, he shook his head a lot and looked ready for a rumble. ‘Did you spill Shayne Ward’s pint?’ etc.
Perhaps he hadn’t been told that the final showdown didn’t involve physical violence but instead involved singing slightly better than you rival?
In the bottom two, Scott sang I Can’t Make You Love Me and sounded the best he had so far in the competition but spoiled it when he did this sickly big smile at the end. It was the sort of fake smile you usually get from Miss Americas or air hostesses. It didn’t really sit with the stinkface he’d had for the rest of the evening.
Louis Walsh said he was going ‘through the motions’ and Scott was voted out proving the point that drinking at Shayne Ward’s pub does not necessarily lead to great performances and reality superstardom.


9. JLS – “A kick in the head”
JLS need your votes to pay for healthcare. Their VT tells us this. It doesn’t sit well with me but I won’t dwell on it or make jokes because there are real people and real illnesses underneath all this nonsense.
They danced around in a synchronised way and sang poorly as they’ve done on every live show. Simon pointed out that they can’t sing very well and the audience and other judges were shocked by this meanness.
They wore suits with different coloured linings. Dermot enjoyed their performance because he enjoys garish fashions. When Dermot asked why each member always wears the same colour and they gave a very dull response about how they each like a certain colour.
I would like them to leave.

10. DEADWIFE – “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”
I felt a bit bad last week for calling contestant Daniel Evans Deadwife because that’s not his name, that’s not his name, that’s not his name. I thought that the dozens of people reading this blog would think this was heartless and that I found dead wives innately hilarious.
But the thing is, every week there is some mention of Daniel’s dead wife. That is his story. It is a part of every VT. It is a part of his identity on this show. We’ve even been shown a picture of her. As a result, it doesn’t really matter how well or badly he sings. He’ll never be Daniel Evans, X Factor contesant. He’ll always be the one with the dead wife.
Case in point: he doesn’t mention her and sings The Lady is a Tramp. The male judges say he’s rubbish. He ends up in the bottom two.
He then dedicates his showdown song to his wife. He sings a dreadful song about memories, about someone still being there and being an inspiration and being his forever and watching him from above. The judges cry, even Louis who hates Daniel, and he gets to stay in the competition.
I would like him to leave.

In other news, my parents missed the results show. My Dad made a sick noise when he heard about Daniel’s performance. My Mum was deeply saddened to hear Scott had gone after a ‘very good’ performance.
When I called to say I wasn’t coming home on Monday, their response was ‘oh great.’ I will go to Shayne Ward’s pub and earn their love.