Thex Factor - Club classics - 'It's not over, not over, not over yet'

1. Marcus - Reet Petite was pretty cool. Except for all the references to SHE being fine.

2. Misha - I miss the crazy Gaga Grace Jones make up but she still has a good voice.

3. The Risk - I thought the white singers and the verses were good. But that left a lot of not-so-good. I didn't think they deserved to go but I'm not crying into my porridge.

4. Little Mix - it took me a good minute and a half to work out what song this was. Damn you Rihanna and your five similar hits a year!

5. Craig - his DJ Sammy cover was passable and in tune. He should've done the candelight mix though.

6. Kitty - she's very nasal and stilted this week. She sings like a French exchange student. It's in English but it's a series of sounds, not words.

7. Janet - there was bogling and mind-boggling hair. Like she'd just bought some straighteners from Superdrug but the manual was in Polish. It was all very wedding singer-y. And she was singing about girls too. The big lezzer!

8. Johnny - He tried the old Wagner trick of singing two songs. It got him eliminated.

9. Frankie - all I wrote in my notes was 'the vest, eww'

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'I got the power!

Club classics week. Sigh
It did not make me dance much
It made me seasick

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'I'm a motherfucking monster'

1. Misha B – She’s bold. She bullies. She bottom two’d it up real nice.

2. Craig – I liked the drums with fiery rain. I can’t remember his performance that well now. I think he may be the new Joe McE.

3. Sophie – She wisely chose to whisper most of it.

4. Kitty – she had a Catherine wheel. The week before Bonfire Night. Mistimed, if not misjudged.

5. Little Mix – in descending order, I liked the staging, the make up, the song choice. Oh and the performance last.

6. Janet – she is not showing off the best of her voice.

7. Marcus – mash up respect bootleg alert! Perhaps he did one as a tribute to Cher Lloyd - the queen of the mash up respect bootleg.

8. Johnny – this should have been girlier but it was fine.

9. Frankie – I’m not sure whether I preferred the very loud backing vocals or the Chas & Dave accent.

10. The Risk – Charlie should do all the singing. Accidents like this happen when he doesn’t

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'Show me your teeth'

They all got dressed up
Alexandra tran style rules
Tulisa's ears - yuk

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I know it's only rock n roll'

1. Misha B - this was not as good as Beautiful Spanish Ruth but it was the performance of the night

2. Johnny - this was brilliant and mad and excellently sung. The other 10 were not. Johnny is, was and shall forever be

3. Kitty - she is not as bonkers as she could still be but this was brilliantly sung

4. The Risk - Gnarls Barkley is not rock

5. Craig - this was not boring but it was not as good as Leona's cover of the same. Progress at least

6. Janet - this is not interesting any more

7. Frankie - it is not easy ranking this douchebag so high

8. Sami - Cher is not to be covered like this

9. Sophie - big notes are not her friends

10 Marcus - dancing with girls is not the same as being straight

11. Rhythmix - Ke$ha is not rock. This was not good

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I wanna rock, ROCK, rock, ROCK'

Bullies were called out
Barlows were nasty, spiteful
Best show by a mile

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'I learned the way to break a heart'

1. Kitty - funny and weird and excellently-staged, if not sung, Kitty ruled the night

2. Johnny - at least he made me laugh

3. Janet - at least she made me smile

4. Rhytmix - last week, I liked the ropey boy bands. This week it's the girl turn to be better than they really should

5. Misha B - A Charles & Eddie cover? If I tweeted, I'd just write #wtf. What will she do next week? Chaka Demus and Pliers?

6. The Risk - the new favourites to win are just a bit boring for my tastes

7. Sophia - the new underdog to win was just a bit boring for my tastes

8. Sami - her career ambition is to be a loose woman. Her ambitions are smaller than
most, but still unattainable

9. Marcus - Gary needs to choose a direction for Marcus fast, not just give him recent hits to sing reasonably well

10. Craig - fat like Sami, gay like Marcus but even less fun than both. That's a sad tale

11. Nu Vibe - I think they are little better than Frankie but they were never going to last. No great loss

12. Frankie - I have never liked this man or any of his performances. But I like that he almost made Goo Goo Dolls reach #1. Maybe that's why God has let him stay another week

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'Love hurts'

I watched the show drunk.
It wasn't any better,
Only confusing.

Can you name every X Factor finalist every year?

I could name all but three with help.

I forgot Beverley Trotman, Lloyd Daniels and (ouch) James Michael from a week ago.

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'Put on the red light'

Loving the shock twist
Hating Amelia’s hair
She looks like a ho

Rankings to follow

Thex Factor - Judges' Homes - 'Hey hey, hey, on the beach, on the beach'

Gary made some bad calls.
Kelly likes teenage slappers
But not the obese.

Thex Factor - Boot camp - 'No alarms and no surprises'

Of course Janet ruled
And of course Goldie bemused
And Louis Louis-ed

Thex Factor - Auditions 6 & 7 - 'We can make a freakshow'

Scally boy wowed all
Expelled from 3 schools, he says
Read: given lines once

Ceri came back again
Not as funny the fourth time,
Now she’s clearly ill

Thex Factor - Auditions 5 - 'Oh we got trouble'

A haiku about last night's episode which blurred in my mind so much with the day before's episode that my haiku can't get too specific


Winner is awol.
So’s Gary Barlow’s boss eye,
Tulisa’s last name

Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And I'm like fuck you'

A haiku about last night's 'why don't you audition on your own' drama that happens every year:

She felt so guilty,
had to leave her friends behind.
Then sang 'Forget You'

Ha!

Thex Factor - Auditions 3 - 'Spend your life in sin and misery'

They liked Master Tub,
Sent the aged rocker through.
This does not bode well.

Thex Factor - Audition 2 - 'Your looks are laughable, unphotographable'

A recap in haikus...


Old Gay troubled me
A glimpse of my future self?
Let us all pray not

SuBo set the trend
You have to be dead ugly
To stand a chance here

Thex Factor – Audition 1 - 'You can't stop lookin' at me'

In the world of twitter, and riots arranged by messages no longer than a sentence, it seems illogical to write essays on each episode that are thousands of words long.

Plus I now have a very profitable sideline making cantalopue body butters and thrush cream out of tree bark.

So instead I offer to you, faithful fans, far shorter but no less snarky recaps.


* Tulisa off of N Dubz is so famous she doesn’t need a last name. Like Cher. Or Beyonce. Either that or the producers can’t spell or pronounce her last name.

* I liked Janet, the mini-Vickers, and her Ellie Goulding cover. But then I am a sucker for coos and yelps and pleasant wailing. A lot of fuss was made about her shyness. How long do we have to wait to find out about her secret record deal?

*Liam showed his bum and it was hard to tell whether it was pixelated or whether he doesn’t have a crack or hair like any normal person. I also enjoyed the domestic abuse/incest banter he had with Gary Barlow about showing grandkids his bum. It was the best domestic abuse/incest banter I think we’ve ever had on this show.

* Kitty reminded me a lot of Katie Wasshole from last year. The sitting on stage. The ugliness. The weirdness.

* There was a Tai Chi instructor who vomited offstage then whored around on stage. I liked how she gave Louis Walsh a bit of a lapdance. She didn’t want to treat him any different to a real man. Good for her.

* Scumbag auditionee George ‘attacked’ Tulisa. This was all staged, from the moment Tulisa glared at George and said ‘I know you’ even though he was shown for about a minute two years ago. But it still had the possibility that actual blows would be dealt. Do you remember George from a few years ago? He was in an N-Dubz style band who were very much against thuggery. Then they threw a mic and were rude. This year, he said he was a changed man and lacked the temper. Then loomed over the judges, shouted and called Tulisa a scumbag who couldn’t replace Cheryl, even though Tulisa’s criminal record is probably far cleaner than Tweedy’s. People’s favourite Dermot then shouted ‘watch yer mouth’ a lot in a way that was far more threatening than anything George did. It was so confusing – you didn’t know the scumbags were and who the virtuous ITV employees were.

Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Finale - 'It's the final countdown, de de doo doo'

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It was the x factor final. Twice.
One act left on Saturday, which I guess made that the semi final. Then on Sunday, three went down to two then to one. Which I guess made that both a semi and a final. It was all quite the event. Waissel came back and got fewer cheers than the also-back Wagner.

2. There were celebrities and they duetted
Take That sang the same song they did a few weeks ago. Christina and Rihanna also turned up. I wrote in my notes:
‘Xtina
Big slut
Rihanna
Big slut also.’
Sometimes I don’t feel the need to expand on my notes when they’re just so articulate.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT CARDLE – He won
We see him crying in Essex then singing Dido – a song where sounding slightly whingey is good because it’s better than sounding bored. God I forgot how much I liked this song. I don’t think I’ve listened to it since 2001. Wait that’s not true – I listened to it in 2004 when I got lost in some woods. On minidisk no less!
There are weird catholic nuns in the background playing strings Or maybe theyre klan members Regardless they wear weird capes and add little to the performance.
Next up is his celebrity duet. Apparently she wanted to sing with him – oh please she wanted to sell some records and they’d only let her perform her new stuff if she did a ropey duet. From the first note, we all know it’s Rihanna and the audience scream because they’re excited she’ll be on stage. And not because of the imminent poorly changed lyrics. I’m sure Matt gets his Hes and Shes mixed up a few times. In other news, he’s suddenly knock kneed and keeps putting his hand in his mouth. She looks like Jessica rabbit. And no offence but they’re not evenly matched – Matt is a much better singer even without trying. Still it’s better than the others.
For his last song before the voting, Matt decides to get conjunctivitis. Seriously, why are his eyes also so red and glassy and weepy? He sings Firework, which is a paper thin song. It’s all echoey but everyone better than Katy Perry I suppose. He also wears yellow trousers. The whole thing seemed like self-sabotage (or Cowell-led sabotage) to me but he still won.
Last we see him sing Biffy Clyro. I wish that made more sense with hindsight but it doesn’t it. Biffy Clyro have the Christmas #1 fact fans! And we have only the second X Factor winner’s song ever that’s not at least 60% about winning the X Factor.

2. REBECCA – Second place
I can’t be arsed writing much about the others. Mainly because they’re losers. I’ll be brief:
Rebecca’s first song was a Corinne Bailey Rae cover. She refused to move or open her eyes. The whole affair was as boring as it sounds.
Next time the world’s worst duet with Christina. The first half was find when Rebecca purred in her unbothered way. Then Christina shouted and appeared to have five chins. Rebecca then gave up singing altogether. A few weeks too late.
On Sunday night, I ate my words as Rebecca suddenly became Grace Jones. It was ace. She sang the Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams and harnessed both her corpse-like coolness and Dido-like halfsinging to create the perfect pop performance. Seriously, it was ace.
Lastly, she sang Duffy and, to copy and paste, the whole affair was as boring as it sounds.

3. ONE DIRECTION – Third place
This was a bit of a shock as I was convinced they’d come at least second. They had the Irish vote, the Asian vote, the Granny vote, the Pity vote and the Feeder vote all sewn up between them. But alas Matt’s much better voice and Rebecca’s constant weeping and supposedly better voice was too much for them.
I can’t remember what they sang first at all. Maybe it was Torn? They certainly sang that at least once and it was fine. They also did a strange cover of Your Song which was not as dramatic as the Moulin Rouge version, nor as simple as the original, nor as intimate as Ellie Goulding’s. It was a strange mix of all three and not in the dope mash up way that Cher Lloyd is fond of.
They also did some karaoke with a coked up Robbie Williams. All six of them shouted along and swayed grinned and it was sweet but hardly worth acclaim. He ended their performance by grinning and shouting ‘One Direction – phone in.’ I wished he’d done a Freudian slip and said ‘phoned it’ but it did not happen.
They didn’t get a fourth song because they were voted off. Too bad, so sad.

4. CHER – The biggest loser
Now recently outed by Louis and Sinitta as the twattiest contestant ever, even Cher knew she wouldn’t make it to Sunday.
She performed her weirdest dope mash up yet – the 60s playground chant The Clapping Song mixed with Get Ur Freak On. Neither parts made sense as a modern performance (especially as Cher’s name is not Missy, as so many of the lyrics demand). Together, it made even less sense.
Next was a lifeless duet with Will.I.Am. Need I write that this was a medley? No. You knew it. All four have record deals (allegedly) so it doesn’t really matter that Cher came last and Matt won. It will only become an issue when nobody wants to buy Cher’s records.