Thex Factor - Rock - 'I know it's only rock n roll'

1. Misha B - this was not as good as Beautiful Spanish Ruth but it was the performance of the night

2. Johnny - this was brilliant and mad and excellently sung. The other 10 were not. Johnny is, was and shall forever be

3. Kitty - she is not as bonkers as she could still be but this was brilliantly sung

4. The Risk - Gnarls Barkley is not rock

5. Craig - this was not boring but it was not as good as Leona's cover of the same. Progress at least

6. Janet - this is not interesting any more

7. Frankie - it is not easy ranking this douchebag so high

8. Sami - Cher is not to be covered like this

9. Sophie - big notes are not her friends

10 Marcus - dancing with girls is not the same as being straight

11. Rhythmix - Ke$ha is not rock. This was not good

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I wanna rock, ROCK, rock, ROCK'

Bullies were called out
Barlows were nasty, spiteful
Best show by a mile

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'I learned the way to break a heart'

1. Kitty - funny and weird and excellently-staged, if not sung, Kitty ruled the night

2. Johnny - at least he made me laugh

3. Janet - at least she made me smile

4. Rhytmix - last week, I liked the ropey boy bands. This week it's the girl turn to be better than they really should

5. Misha B - A Charles & Eddie cover? If I tweeted, I'd just write #wtf. What will she do next week? Chaka Demus and Pliers?

6. The Risk - the new favourites to win are just a bit boring for my tastes

7. Sophia - the new underdog to win was just a bit boring for my tastes

8. Sami - her career ambition is to be a loose woman. Her ambitions are smaller than
most, but still unattainable

9. Marcus - Gary needs to choose a direction for Marcus fast, not just give him recent hits to sing reasonably well

10. Craig - fat like Sami, gay like Marcus but even less fun than both. That's a sad tale

11. Nu Vibe - I think they are little better than Frankie but they were never going to last. No great loss

12. Frankie - I have never liked this man or any of his performances. But I like that he almost made Goo Goo Dolls reach #1. Maybe that's why God has let him stay another week

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'Love hurts'

I watched the show drunk.
It wasn't any better,
Only confusing.

Can you name every X Factor finalist every year?

I could name all but three with help.

I forgot Beverley Trotman, Lloyd Daniels and (ouch) James Michael from a week ago.

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'Put on the red light'

Loving the shock twist
Hating Amelia’s hair
She looks like a ho

Rankings to follow

Thex Factor - Judges' Homes - 'Hey hey, hey, on the beach, on the beach'

Gary made some bad calls.
Kelly likes teenage slappers
But not the obese.

Thex Factor - Boot camp - 'No alarms and no surprises'

Of course Janet ruled
And of course Goldie bemused
And Louis Louis-ed

Thex Factor - Auditions 6 & 7 - 'We can make a freakshow'

Scally boy wowed all
Expelled from 3 schools, he says
Read: given lines once

Ceri came back again
Not as funny the fourth time,
Now she’s clearly ill

Thex Factor - Auditions 5 - 'Oh we got trouble'

A haiku about last night's episode which blurred in my mind so much with the day before's episode that my haiku can't get too specific


Winner is awol.
So’s Gary Barlow’s boss eye,
Tulisa’s last name

Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And I'm like fuck you'

A haiku about last night's 'why don't you audition on your own' drama that happens every year:

She felt so guilty,
had to leave her friends behind.
Then sang 'Forget You'

Ha!

Thex Factor - Auditions 3 - 'Spend your life in sin and misery'

They liked Master Tub,
Sent the aged rocker through.
This does not bode well.

Thex Factor - Audition 2 - 'Your looks are laughable, unphotographable'

A recap in haikus...


Old Gay troubled me
A glimpse of my future self?
Let us all pray not

SuBo set the trend
You have to be dead ugly
To stand a chance here

Thex Factor – Audition 1 - 'You can't stop lookin' at me'

In the world of twitter, and riots arranged by messages no longer than a sentence, it seems illogical to write essays on each episode that are thousands of words long.

Plus I now have a very profitable sideline making cantalopue body butters and thrush cream out of tree bark.

So instead I offer to you, faithful fans, far shorter but no less snarky recaps.


* Tulisa off of N Dubz is so famous she doesn’t need a last name. Like Cher. Or Beyonce. Either that or the producers can’t spell or pronounce her last name.

* I liked Janet, the mini-Vickers, and her Ellie Goulding cover. But then I am a sucker for coos and yelps and pleasant wailing. A lot of fuss was made about her shyness. How long do we have to wait to find out about her secret record deal?

*Liam showed his bum and it was hard to tell whether it was pixelated or whether he doesn’t have a crack or hair like any normal person. I also enjoyed the domestic abuse/incest banter he had with Gary Barlow about showing grandkids his bum. It was the best domestic abuse/incest banter I think we’ve ever had on this show.

* Kitty reminded me a lot of Katie Wasshole from last year. The sitting on stage. The ugliness. The weirdness.

* There was a Tai Chi instructor who vomited offstage then whored around on stage. I liked how she gave Louis Walsh a bit of a lapdance. She didn’t want to treat him any different to a real man. Good for her.

* Scumbag auditionee George ‘attacked’ Tulisa. This was all staged, from the moment Tulisa glared at George and said ‘I know you’ even though he was shown for about a minute two years ago. But it still had the possibility that actual blows would be dealt. Do you remember George from a few years ago? He was in an N-Dubz style band who were very much against thuggery. Then they threw a mic and were rude. This year, he said he was a changed man and lacked the temper. Then loomed over the judges, shouted and called Tulisa a scumbag who couldn’t replace Cheryl, even though Tulisa’s criminal record is probably far cleaner than Tweedy’s. People’s favourite Dermot then shouted ‘watch yer mouth’ a lot in a way that was far more threatening than anything George did. It was so confusing – you didn’t know the scumbags were and who the virtuous ITV employees were.

Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Finale - 'It's the final countdown, de de doo doo'

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It was the x factor final. Twice.
One act left on Saturday, which I guess made that the semi final. Then on Sunday, three went down to two then to one. Which I guess made that both a semi and a final. It was all quite the event. Waissel came back and got fewer cheers than the also-back Wagner.

2. There were celebrities and they duetted
Take That sang the same song they did a few weeks ago. Christina and Rihanna also turned up. I wrote in my notes:
‘Xtina
Big slut
Rihanna
Big slut also.’
Sometimes I don’t feel the need to expand on my notes when they’re just so articulate.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT CARDLE – He won
We see him crying in Essex then singing Dido – a song where sounding slightly whingey is good because it’s better than sounding bored. God I forgot how much I liked this song. I don’t think I’ve listened to it since 2001. Wait that’s not true – I listened to it in 2004 when I got lost in some woods. On minidisk no less!
There are weird catholic nuns in the background playing strings Or maybe theyre klan members Regardless they wear weird capes and add little to the performance.
Next up is his celebrity duet. Apparently she wanted to sing with him – oh please she wanted to sell some records and they’d only let her perform her new stuff if she did a ropey duet. From the first note, we all know it’s Rihanna and the audience scream because they’re excited she’ll be on stage. And not because of the imminent poorly changed lyrics. I’m sure Matt gets his Hes and Shes mixed up a few times. In other news, he’s suddenly knock kneed and keeps putting his hand in his mouth. She looks like Jessica rabbit. And no offence but they’re not evenly matched – Matt is a much better singer even without trying. Still it’s better than the others.
For his last song before the voting, Matt decides to get conjunctivitis. Seriously, why are his eyes also so red and glassy and weepy? He sings Firework, which is a paper thin song. It’s all echoey but everyone better than Katy Perry I suppose. He also wears yellow trousers. The whole thing seemed like self-sabotage (or Cowell-led sabotage) to me but he still won.
Last we see him sing Biffy Clyro. I wish that made more sense with hindsight but it doesn’t it. Biffy Clyro have the Christmas #1 fact fans! And we have only the second X Factor winner’s song ever that’s not at least 60% about winning the X Factor.

2. REBECCA – Second place
I can’t be arsed writing much about the others. Mainly because they’re losers. I’ll be brief:
Rebecca’s first song was a Corinne Bailey Rae cover. She refused to move or open her eyes. The whole affair was as boring as it sounds.
Next time the world’s worst duet with Christina. The first half was find when Rebecca purred in her unbothered way. Then Christina shouted and appeared to have five chins. Rebecca then gave up singing altogether. A few weeks too late.
On Sunday night, I ate my words as Rebecca suddenly became Grace Jones. It was ace. She sang the Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams and harnessed both her corpse-like coolness and Dido-like halfsinging to create the perfect pop performance. Seriously, it was ace.
Lastly, she sang Duffy and, to copy and paste, the whole affair was as boring as it sounds.

3. ONE DIRECTION – Third place
This was a bit of a shock as I was convinced they’d come at least second. They had the Irish vote, the Asian vote, the Granny vote, the Pity vote and the Feeder vote all sewn up between them. But alas Matt’s much better voice and Rebecca’s constant weeping and supposedly better voice was too much for them.
I can’t remember what they sang first at all. Maybe it was Torn? They certainly sang that at least once and it was fine. They also did a strange cover of Your Song which was not as dramatic as the Moulin Rouge version, nor as simple as the original, nor as intimate as Ellie Goulding’s. It was a strange mix of all three and not in the dope mash up way that Cher Lloyd is fond of.
They also did some karaoke with a coked up Robbie Williams. All six of them shouted along and swayed grinned and it was sweet but hardly worth acclaim. He ended their performance by grinning and shouting ‘One Direction – phone in.’ I wished he’d done a Freudian slip and said ‘phoned it’ but it did not happen.
They didn’t get a fourth song because they were voted off. Too bad, so sad.

4. CHER – The biggest loser
Now recently outed by Louis and Sinitta as the twattiest contestant ever, even Cher knew she wouldn’t make it to Sunday.
She performed her weirdest dope mash up yet – the 60s playground chant The Clapping Song mixed with Get Ur Freak On. Neither parts made sense as a modern performance (especially as Cher’s name is not Missy, as so many of the lyrics demand). Together, it made even less sense.
Next was a lifeless duet with Will.I.Am. Need I write that this was a medley? No. You knew it. All four have record deals (allegedly) so it doesn’t really matter that Cher came last and Matt won. It will only become an issue when nobody wants to buy Cher’s records.

Thex Factor - Semi Finals - 'It's Not Over Yet'

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is the semi final
And oh it’s dramatic. Losing isn’t an option and they want it so bad, the contestants tell us. Matt says they only have this one opportunity to be successful. Unless you’re a real pop star in which case you have a series of opportunites failures and comebacks

2. It is dance and manipulative ballad week
I can’t think of a better way to describe this loose theme. Dermot calls it ‘dancefloor blockbusters’ and ‘a song to get them into the final.’ Or in Cher’s case, a RIGGED vote will do it. That’s if you believe the tabloids.

3. There are guest performers
The Glee cast are autotuned. The Black Eyed Peas perform a terrible dance track. Alexandra Burke looks like a man. I'm not sure which of these statements is the most surprising.

Here comes the rankings, this time with teacher’s comments

1. REBECCA – This is very good for you. Good girl.
In VT one, Rebecca makes out she’s born on a big journey since her audition. She’s gone from staring at the floor to keeping her eyes clamped shut and looking like a big corpse. She then talks gushingly about people spending phone credit voting for her. Oh how the other half live! Everyone I know thinks in ‘minutes,’ not ‘credit.’
She’s singing Show Me Love by Robin S. Ace! Her voice suits it even if it is a little dreary. Cheryl Cole sampled this for the Brits so it’s obviously a firm favourite for the former thug. I wouldn’t say Rebecca dances – or even sings it uptempo – but there is lots of dancing going on around her. Though confusingly the dancers wear black, which makes the whole thing a bit funereal. She looks miserable and does silly high notes. What else is new?
Simon looks pleased and says she’s cool and controlled. Or cold and dull. Thank god the second performance was better. If a little cold and still quite dull.
Next we hear she’ll sing a beautiful song that touches everyone. Special, special, special, they say. There’s talk we’re all going to weep. Iris is played as the VT backing music – I so hope she does Iris but I know it’s unlikely.
She sings Amazing Grace. Its lovely and I sit and drink and listen and don’t type. Until some silly high notes spoil it and I type ‘silly high notes.’ Still, she was the best on a weak night.

2. MATT – You can do better. Try to focus and watch your handwriting
In VT one, we see a few seconds of his wonderful Moody Blues cover. He then says ‘Check out where I am now’ and destroys her painter everyman image quite egregiously. There is then VT drama about his illness – and shots of his Mum bringing him hot drinks. See, times like this living at home is more ‘ideal’ than he had claimed. We then see him mising all his rehearsals – lying in sweaty sheets, listening to his ipod. Ha!
He sings You Got The Love – by that really interesting artist who you’ve probably not heard of, Florence and her Machine. His voice sounds girlish and faltering. It is unclear what effect this mystery illness is having for that reason. He’s playing an electric guitar that’s not plugged in. His eyes are red and watery again. The big notes will not be as impressive – he sounds a bit drunk. Still better than Rebecca’s first performance and subtler than Mary.
SC bitches he had a cold too – and didn’t go on and on about it
In his second VT, he looks no less sweaty in every shot. The second song will be very romantic, which is his strength. I think after tonight looking sweaty is his new strength.
He sings She’s Always a Woman , or the John Lewis song. I love the song so and it’s such a shame he has a cold. It’s also a shame the song involves lots of quick singing and less manly growling or iffeminate wailing. It doesn’t suit him much. He looks bored and a little pissed. He’s either very out of time or not discussed the arrangement with whoever’s playing the piano. It just goes from bad to worse very quickly, much like Konnie Huq’s presenting or Liam Payne’s purging.
Louis says he’s ‘so going through’ and is clearly encouraging the public to assume he’s safe. CC saw the stinkface but blames his illness and Simon says it was his worst song ever. That does not help the stinkface. I still hope and believe Matt will win but he will need to get the housewives blubbing next week and do his best girlish wailing next week for that to happen.

3. ONE DIRECTION – A little hit and miss. Please try to be consistent
In VT one, Zain gropes Harry and has his hand batted away. Ha! They kept this secret well. Everyone’s gaydar was pointed at the Irish one. Zain is also very excited to meet Joe McElderry. The plot thickens.
They sing Rihanna. With poorly changed lyrics? Of course. Liam looks more like a dyke than Rihanna ever could. It’s a strange choice to cover a song that was performed on the show only a few weeks ago.
Cheryl felt the same – and thought it was strange to compete with a song that’s still top ten. You know if they’d done Promise This, she wouldn’t have a problem. In hindsight, their Rihanna cover wasn’t great but at least it wasn’t as painful as the others below this.
In VT two, the dead relative card is played. I think we are very briefly shown a picture of Zain with his family, one of whom is now dead. Poor Zain missed rehearsals to grieve.
The performance of Chasing Cars was bloody dull. Even for a performance of Chasing Cars. I wrote nothing about it and had only bored thoughts throughout. I think at one point I pumiced my heels and wanted to apply some ladies’ lotion.
Dannii used the word ‘classy’ instead of bloody dull but I think we can read between the lines there. She wants to keep her job.

4. MARY – Good try
She tells us that in the bottom two, she sang with every bit of passion that God gave her. Note she doesn’t claim that God gave her any talent. This is progress.
She says, regarding her dancefloor blockbuster, she wants people to bop along at home and she wants to act like she’s in a disco. She’s so unhip, even for a checkout lady.
She sings Never Can Say Goodbye – wearing a horrendous sparkly dress, almost as bad as the ones being sold on The Apprentice the other week. Her hollering is okay but I’m not going to get excited. I think the gay dancers prancing around her have the country’s quota of excitement
Dannii says Mary has her mojo back – haven’t they been saying that for weeks? Does the mojo leave and come back every week, like an attention seeking child that keeps running away?
Simon calls Louis gay and Louis says no, you are. In equally insipid news, the judges like Mary. I do a little bit more but not enough.
For her second introduction, Louis tells us she’s going to sing her heart out and she needs votes. Ha! It’s quite an achievement to fit so much pity praise into a two sentence introduction.
I was busy pity voting for Matt so I missed the beginning of Marys performances. But, professional blogger that I am, I rewound and watched it from the beginning
I kind of regret this. She sings The Way We Were – I much preferred when they sang it during Sex and the City. It was less shouty then.
She cries at the end. Oh Mary, you ignite my inner cynic so. I call so much bullshit about this crying. (Plus, it doesn’t even work as Mary is given the boot the next night after a shouty James Brown cover.)
Dannii says she looks gorgeous and Mary then seems to pull out a dead parent card. How many of that card are in the deck?

5. CHER – This is not good enough
There is much business in VT one with her Nan. Her Nan is suspiciously young, even for someone as scal as Cher. And, also, where is Mum?
There is then lots of stuff about how she’s not really cocky. When she stomps around stage snarling, it’s not because she’s an arse, she assures us – it’s just an affectation. Good to know.
She sings the less good B.O.B. single – the one about beautiful girls. It doesn’t really work when a girl sings it. And even less well when Cher does. I like the manga little miss Disney princess voice but I’m not sure how well that fits with her ‘street’ image. The bells are clanging more than ring a dingin. She keeps saying Hello in a Dick Van Dyke accent for no discernible reason. That’s better than yelling JERUSALERRRRM but also much less funny.
In VT number two, we learn song number two is emotional. In fact, she’s never known a song that has brought out such emotions in her. Apart from that song that made her weep. Twice. Apparently it really defines where she is in this competition.
The judges worry about the song choice and think she’ll be compared to the original. I heard a rumour she’s doing Fight for This Love. I said this last week but someone urgently needs to cover All I Wanna Do.
Turns out she’s not covering a judge or singing a song with any real emotion to it. She’s singing Love The Way You Lie, which is not so much a song as an excuse to get Rihanna on your comeback to sell more records.
The high notes are pretty rough and the big stage draws attention to how limp this song is. Also, what does it have to do with her X Factor dreams?
Dannii says she only liked the singing towards the end – possibly because it was about to end. She also thought a ballad would have milked more votes. Cheryl admits they’re not really competing anymore. Which might be why Cher ended up in the bottom two. Again. She has the advantage of being less unmarketable than Mary, and sings her Britney song with her usual High School Musical inflections better than Mary shouts, so she stays in.
There will be four people in the final, if Cher bothers to show up. She must know she can’t win


Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Rock Week - 'Hey, Hey, I Wanna Be A Rockstar'

1. It is Rock week
And nothing says rock like special guests The Wanted. Wtf. The Wanted attempt a big performance with fireworks and dodgems. And it just looks a bit dangerous rather than exciting. Also, they’re very hobbity. And there is no mention of how one of them was on this show and was disqualified. Ask the tough questions, Dermot.

2. If only it was just The Wanted
We must also watch Justin Bieber – who is shrill and unpleasant. Oh and looks like Liam Payne from One Direction, but even more lesbian. And we must deal with a bunch of lies about Nicole Scherzinger. We are told she is one of the world’s biggest popstars. Even in her PCD heyday, that has never been true. We are also told this is her first solo single. When she’s already had a flop debut called Baby Love. And a duet with Enrique. And didn’t she sing Jai Ho on her own. I like the drag styling and dancing but she sounds like a slutty Minnie Mouse. There are about four breakdowns – I think she’s on stage for about ten minutes. The crowd go nuts but it may just be relief it’s over. She gets all whispery like she’s Janet Jackson. Scherzinger, you are no Janet Jackson.

On with the rankings, with clearly defined roles…




1. MATT – The frontrunner
In his VT, we get a reminder of his sweaty vest. It looks no better with hindsight. Apparently it wasn’t planned – and he’d just had a big strop about the outfit he was given. Why are the cast being honest about their backstage twattiness this year? It makes so little sense when they’re trying to win people over. Also Matt didn’t realise at first he was the last boy left. Before you think he’s stupid, I can see the confusion. He doesn’t exactly sing like a boy. He’s changing a song completely we hear. I hope this is true – the last time he ‘changed’ a song – he just covered Travis.
It’s I Love Rock N Roll. It’s so karaoke – whoever’s singing it. Even the original is karaoke. So far he hasn’t changed it at all. He writhes around with slutty dancers, which may arouse or alienate his housewife fanbase. He sings better than anyone else but still – this is weird. You keep thinking its over and then find that’s wishful thinking and another chorus comes. His power notes are fine and a bit more manly.
He looks really angry when it’s over – a little too much rock for him.
Louis says he’s consistently good – and safe for another week. Cheryl says the same. I think they’re trying to stop his fans voting with all this safe talk.
Matt next sings a ‘forgotten song’ that will capture our imaginations. He promises another total revamp.
Which we really don’t get. It’s another note for note cover. But it’s of Nights In White Satin – I love this song!!!! And I too had forgotten it. The song completely suits his voice – the whimpering, the wailing, the screaming. The last note is scarily good – and not just scary, as Wagner and Mary so often are.
Louis says it was note perfect, incredible, brilliant. Cheryl says it’s his best yet and Simon says it’s genius. Another easy victory for Curdle.

2. WAGNER – The jester
He’s living in a hotel and we see a picture of him in his pants. Errr. He’s the only one who doesn’t get to go shopping for his charity single during his VT. Maybe he doesn’t sing on it? He’s singing a song everybody knows but nobody is expecting. Unless you read the spoilers. Which I did.
He sings Creep. And he actually sings it – he doesn’t prance around with the slutty dancers. His eyes don’t threaten to fall out of his head. No, no. He just sings and he sounds better than Mary ever has. I quite enjoyed it. For all the right reasons.
The judges are quite complimentary though there is some covert bitchery when Dannii kind of calls him a creep and Cheryl gives the snake eyes.
Next he tries Robert Palmer. I write in my notes “OH fuck yes!” The capitals and punctuation say it all. I was excited but it’s not great – and the dancing is not as big as it could have been. It’s just fine – not as awful as he’s been, or as fun as he was the first week – just a little flat
Dannii says he’s ‘Back to the Wagner we know’ and the vocal was full of ‘out of tune singing.’ Simon then calls Wagner fascinating.
Not fascinating enough though as he ends up in the bottom two. In line with his Creep cover, he decides to go all meta- and also actually sing. He sings Unforgettable with a resigned grin – he knew he would be voted off against anyone else. Even Katie Weasel.



3. KATIE – The tabloid star
We see a VT where the judges pretend her massacre of Help last week was good.
Katie’s hair still looks like a wig but everyone’s pretending the look is good too. The whole world’s a stage sometimes. Katie tells us ‘the mask is being removed’ like she’s a Greek actress and not a reality TV hamster. Louis is glad the stupid hair is gone and Katie says she’ll show the real her. Again. It’s quite funny the way the VT keeps flicking between the new ‘real Katie’ and publicity stills of a clearly fake blonde Katie wearing stupid forehead jewellery.
She sings that song about one’s Sex being on Fire. The coos and sex noises work quite well. Her yelling ‘woo’ and letting the backing vocalists sing the whole chorus works less well.
Dannii says it was frantic and trying too hard. Simon says it was fun and risky – then the audience chant. He concludes with ‘Only you, after the week you’ve had, could come out and sing your sex is on fire.’ I think this is some reference to her family life
Katie tells us her second song is very relevant. Really? Are there many songs about your gran being a whore?
It’s Everybody Hurts. Oh Cheryl is getting lazy. This is one of the songs foisted on Vickers when she wasn’t going to win anymore. It’s quite fake – the hands clutching at nothing, the furrowed brows. She is an actress in a bad way. But it was better than Cher manga rapping or Mary shouting. Some of the yelling and pained wailing is quite pleasant.
Simon didn’t like that the song was only a minute and a half long. Then why have a show where people sing for a minute and a half? Why not ask them to sing fewer songs for longer? All the judges are more positive, which I think is fair. It’s all moot though. She’s voted off and doesn’t sing her goodbyes.

4. ONE DIRECTION – The ones ‘they’ want to win
Simon now appears to know their names and the girls in the audience squeal for them. What good news for them. They are adored! In their VT, they say their main competition comes from the best singers. Well, duh. They also aren’t happy with a charity #1, they want one in their name (where they get to keep the proceeds.) They’re coming off quite calculated – maybe they’re not as stupid as the Irish one looks.
They’re singing Bryan Adams. I write ‘Oh shite.’ This song reminds me of too many bad club nights. It’s just too awful. Their serviceable voices aren’t enough to make this less painless. Nor is the standard One Direction backing track that sounds a bit like Since U Been Gone. They have more backing dancers than Wagner usually has. Simon doesn’t get out of his chair this week. Maybe he hates the song too.
Cheryl liked the foot stamping – I bet she likes traffic jams too. It turns out Harry picked the song. I thought more of him. He has let me down.
Before their second song, Simon says ‘You know what’s coming?’ I assumed I knew the answer. It would be a song performed fine by a slightly above average looking group of boys to a Kelly Clarkson album track backing. Turns out I was wrong. The second song is as their VT claimed a lot more challenging.
It is You Are So Beautiful. Liam’s hair is bigger than his waist. He sings in a very Butlins way. Harry sounds a little more interesting. A little.
‘It may be the best of the night,’ I wrote in my notes before Matt sang – and before my man cold made me bitter, but it’s not exciting. Oh and the Irish one and the ugly one don’t get to sing. Ha!
Louis says it’s not a rock song and Simon tells him to read a book. A book about Joe Cocker, we assume. Reading London Fields probably wouldn’t help with this issue.

5. REBECCA – The one with the ‘best’ ‘voice’
The clips of her Yesterday from last week sound very wimpy. Simon says she has the best voice in the competition and she’s the one to beat. I bet Matt sticks two new pins in his doll after that. Or probably straight into Rebecca. I doubt she’d even feel them going on.
Shes doing U2 with a Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae style backing. She’s also wearing a revolting leopard print dress. It’s weird. She moves very little – on the spot of course – and manages to keep her eyes open a bit more often. The performance is very slow and a little dull as hers usually are – but even more so because they’ve slowed the song down so much.
Dannii would like her to not just stand there like a corpse. Dannii also goes out of her way to say it wasn’t boring, when it so clearly was. Simon thought it was stiff but that she has the most beautiful, unique voice. And Rebecca nods. Ha!
In her second VT, she says she’s been put ‘in a miserable box.’ Possibly because the first few weeks of the contest weeping. And all the weeks since with her eyes slammed shut looking miserable and uncomfortable,
She sings Rolling Stones meets the Dreamgirls. She sounds better than usual- she doesn’t make weird high pitched noises for the first time in weeks. And the backing singers are in Supremes dresses – and there are trumpeters – oh, it’s all a lot of fun. It was probably better than Katie but I am loath to change the rankings now.
Louis had Motown flashbacks. Dannii says it vintage, original and liked she was less corpselike. Three of them compare her to Aretha. Oh please. It’s one thing comparing Leona to 90s divas, or comparing One Direction to JLS, but comparing this limpet to Aretha is just taking the piss. The judges need to stop hyping this girl. It will all end badly for everyone.

6. CHER – The also ran
In Cher’s VT, Cheryl tells Cher to see being in the bottom two (and knowing now she can’t possibly win) as a positive. She gives no details how or why. She’s a good mentor, not a great one. It’s pop rock this week apparently, which is clearly not keeping to the theme. She wants to ‘tear da whole roof off.’ Cher needs some new slang urgently.
She’s singing Avril Lavignes girlfriend with rapping – presumably her own lyrics but I don’t know. If anyone knows send me a message. I want to know whether I watched a dope mash up or some sick freestyle rhymes. She raps quite quickly and it’s better than when Vickers did it and I liked Vickers. (Oh yes – another of Cheryl’s acts got to rehash one of Vickers’s worst performances. Cheryl’s eyes are clearly on a different prize.) The choruses are rap-less and she looks more like a manga character than ever.
It’s fun but little else.
Dannii says it was complex – compared to her, I suppose – and both her and Simon thought it was her best performance ever. I don’t understand why.
Cher tells the public to pick up their phones if they ever want to see her again. It’s nice she recognises that contestants don’t often get careers after the show. She’s less likely to have a breakdown already knowing that.
In her next VT, she hints her second song is played out. There are promises of explosions and risk taking.
It’s Walk This Way. I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. It’s kind of funny Cheryl’s setting one of her act’s a song she’s covered. When will someone sing one of Dannii’s hits? Matt could do a mean All I Wanna Do I’ll bet.
It’s pointless. The rapping is a little clunky and slow. The singing is a little shrill. She looks like N-Dubz if they were on the Simpsons. Or a clown. It’s fucked up.

7. BIG FAT MARY – The Pub singer
In her VT we learn she likes the troops. Oh big shocker. I bet she thinks there’s too many foreigns about too. She’s singing a track by one of Irelands best known bands. Jedward? U2? Apparently she connects to the song and it reminds her of her daughter’s father, her only love. It’s unclear whether he’s dead or just went off to find someone thinner.
She sounds significantly less awful than usual. She’s almost soft on the verses. Almost. She doesn’t yell until at least halfway, which is much better than every note. I quite liked that too.
She tears up at the end and the audience chant her name.
Cheryl says she connects with every song. I call bullshit as she sings every song, regardless of the lyrics, as if she’s yelling at a nuisance neighbour. Mary hopes U2 enjoyed it but doesn’t make any claims about her own abilities, which again is an improvement. I would so give Mary a sticker after that.
There is VT talk of imminent ‘hot dance moves’ for her second performance. I remember fondly how she struggled in Boot Camp with her t’robbing knees and art’ritis. I hope she will fall – or say ‘You know what, sod it’ then sit down – but it doesn’t happen.
I write in my notes ‘Yuk – Pretenders’ even though I like Pretenders. I think it’s the idea of Mary singing anything that puts me in a mood. And she’s dressed as Cher Lloyd. A fat Cher Lloyd. It’s weird and very midtempo and completely undoes all her good work on the U2 number. No wonder nobody voted for it. (Though the question remains why they voted any other weeks.)
She belts away in the bottom two. She shakes her fists and gives the cameras evils. And screams and yells as if she’s attacking a bathroom attendant. But it’s not her worst.

Thex Factor - Beatles Week - 'What they need's a damn good whacking'

1. It was Beatles week
Beatles Schmeatles. Forget Piggies and making Liverpool famous for something other than crime. The iffy covers delivered last weekend were clearly better than anything the Fab Four ever did for the world.

2. There is talk of last week’s shock elimination
Yes, it is a great shock when weak singers who were never going to win and who nobody really likes get voted off. Just like it was a huge shock when Lucie and Big Fat Laura got voted off in their years

3. I heart Olly Murs
Now I hated Olly Murs last year as much as the next right-thinking person. I hated his stupid dancing and his fugly face and his limp voice. But then today I heard his debut single for the first time and it’s heaps of fun. This new one is more cod reggae and it is better than it has any right to be. There’s even an awkward reference to Bob Mar-ley. He’s the white Pato Banton! And I loves it. I’m officially on the Murs bandwagon. I even like that his Mum is called Vicky Pollard. Don’t believe me check here

4. I do not heart the new charity single
Before its world premiere, we see a VT about people with real problems – dead father, missing legs, almost dying. It really puts those X Factor VTs (where people have issues such as having to sing and dance at the same time) in the shade. It doesn’t hurt that the man with a missing leg is much better looking than a Cardle or a Grimshaw.
As the song begins, Matt and Rebecca sing the first few lines. Though Girl Band sang the bulk of their charity single – and Vickers got about two lines – so we mustn’t read too much into that. I don’t think we hear Cher or John Adeleye once. They’re lip synching, and have clearly been heavily autotuned, but Belle Amie still sound shit. Ha! Oh and Grimshaw sounds normal and Byrne doesn’t shout. Clearly the record producers are stricter about ridiculous affectations and tuneless screaming than the judges are. The judges stand throughout but their slouches show this is just a formality. Even a choir of soldiers can’t stop then looking bored.

On with the rankings, this week with a Divas song that best describes them

1. PAIJE – Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
He seems a decent sort in his VT. We see footage of him being shocked he went through while Grimshaw’s caterwauling was finally punished. Gosh everyone’s pretending last weeks result was surprising aren’t they? I can’t and won’t
Dannii says his song choice is massive. He’s clearly going to do Let it Be.
And he does. And it’s lovely. And not just because I was having a nice tart and polishing off a glass of wine when it came on. The riffing is ridiculous – in a good way.
Cheryl calls it angelic. Se has word of the day toilet paper. Simon admits he was rude last week but still believes Paije can’t win. There was never a truer word spoken as Paije ends up in the bottom two the next night (a place no winner has ever been).
A brilliant Jamelia cover full of riffing and wailing and giving it ‘welly’ and sanging can’t help him. Neither can the fact he’s also dressed infinitely better than normal. He’s sent home with little fanfare. Poor Paije.

2. CHER – Queen of the Night
Cher’s Imagine is tasteful and lovely. It’s like a Disney princess cover, which is not spoiled by any rapping or dope mash-up nonsense.
The judges and public aren’t as enthused as I. Louis says it was not contemporary and didn’t like the absense of rap or choir. He loves a good sappy choir. Simon hates that she was sitting on a staircase. This must be based on some childhood tragedy because I thought that performance was faultless. Or at least good enough to keep her out of the bottom two. My powers of prediction and appreciation are clearly shot to shit,
In the bottom two, she repeats her Stay performance. This is either very lazy or very canny – a chance to remind the judges of that time they told her she was the best ever.
Or a chance to bore them with a rehash. Second time around, it’s is just as lovely.
And she weeps less – or at least the weeping interferes with her singing less. She looks a mess though and her voice breaks on the same note as last time – but she perseveres and still gets the song done. She’s a pro! And not a Pretty Woman pro. This once.

3. ONE DIRECTION – The Winner Takes It All
Harry is a big Beatles fan according to his VT. I doubt the other four have heard of them. I know 8 year olds who can’t name any of the Beatles after all.
They’re doing All You Need is Love to a Max Martin Pink/Clarko backing track. I like how Simon sorts out proper, interesting backing tracks for them then chides all the others for being copycat.
Dannii notices some timing botches and the others get shocked. Dannii isn’t sticking to the ‘boy band to win’ script. Cheryl gives Simon a taste of his medicine and talks about the platform and Simon is forced to say platforms and staircases and such don’t matter.

4. REBECCA – Smooth Operator
The seven minutes I spent watching this is too boring to write much about.
She’s from Liverpool. She sang Yesterday fine. She stood in the same spot. She had her eyes closed. She made some high pitched noises. I’m so over her now. She needs to do some Alexandra Burke style tranny dancing urgently.

5. MATT – You’re So Vain
He’s wearing a vest this week. I think it’s meant to be sexy. He sings Come Together in a weird gravely voice, rather than usual his wailing, girly voice. He sounds like a pirate – or an angry landlord. It’s fucking weird. Even Olly Murs sang it better – and he ripped his shirt off rather than wearing a scally vest. It becomes passable at the end only when he wails like a girl.
Louis is disappointed and Simon hates the styling. It’s true Matt does look like the gay one in a boyband wearing that vest. Simon goes even meaner saying he looks like he was ‘Dragged from the loo.’ Ha! Simon doesn’t want another flop male winner this year, does he?

6. MARY – My Name is Not Susan
Though she is quite as ugly as Susan Boyle. In her VT she rattles on about her daughter, her beautiful daughter. Said daughter is kinda old – its not like it’s a baby that she can exploit for votes.
Mary yells Something, which is maybe my least favourite Beatles song. It’s less scary than previous weeks, which is Something. Yes, let’s be positive!
Dannii says it was ‘up there with her best’ – which is very different praise from saying ‘the best.’ Simon loves the song choice and gives grudging props to Louis. Three judges say she’s got her confidence back. That is good but I feel Mary’s problem has always been her excess of confidence and absence of talent. Why can’t she get some of the latter back?

7. WAGNER - Beautiful
No matter what they say. In his VT, he says he thought his last performance was beautiful and quite good. Ha! Wagner isn’t bothered that he’s booed because not everyone likes Pavarotti. Except everyone does like the famous tenor – even more so now he’s dead and it would be a bit tacky to slag him off. Even Wagner’s logic is a bit shit.
He’s doing Get Back. As Beatles songs go, it’s not nearly wacky enough for Wagner. I’d have loved for him to try Piggies or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Oh shit it’s a medley – Louis loves a good Beatles medley doesn’t he? He foisted one on JLS years ago, ruining their tentative attempts to be all gangsta. Blood.
Cheryl looks bored and irritated throughout. There are some post-performance boos but also a lot of chanting. The tide has turned? Dannii has nothing to say. Cheryl, on the other hand, has nothing constructive to say but takes him to task for some comments he’s made about her. News to me! She furiously yells about it and it makes no one look good.

8. KATIE – Don’t Speak
She gets the pimp spot, which is enough to keep her in the contest for another week. She says in her VT she doesn’t deserve all the shtick she gets. She pronounces it just like shit. Apparently the title of her song ‘says it all.’
I don’t know the song. Turns out it was Help (thanks Google search) but it sounded so weird that I couldn’t recognise it. A deaf person who’s always lived on a deserted island would probably be able to recognise Help so Katie clearly fucked around the song something rotten if I couldn’t. Oh and she’s cut her hair off and dyed it brown. She looks like a lesbian and is dressed like a doll. Her voice quivers and sounds very thin. I much preferred her Christina coos. She gets better when she yells. I guess that makes her the Anti-Mary. Which is better than being the Antichrist as so many bloggers have made her out to be.
Dannii calls her out on her constant ‘I’m showing the real me’ talk while being a total actress and changing her style every week. Dannii also tells her to act, rather than sing. Ha! I wish Dannii could tell every irritating, wannabe quirky person this sort of advice. I’ll buy her a coke if she could do that the people in my local studenty bars! They'd become so much quieter!

Thex Factor - Elton John Week - 'And it's getting more and more absurd'

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is Elton John week
And for the second time, it’s with guest performers who aren’t Elton john.
And for the second time, they stick Gary Barlow into proceedings because he’s fat and plays piano too. I don’t know why they insist on an Elton theme when he hates the show so.

2. It was sort of boyband week too
As not one, not two but three boybands with strong links to this show came on to perform. Why not just have a boyband theme, Simon? Or would it have shown your One Direction fellows up? JLS sang a turgid song adequately. Westlife sang an anonymous song slightly better and, after all the hoopla, Take That’s fine performance was a little soiled by Robbie’s nerves and staring eyes that were Grimshaw-levels of crazy.

On with the rankings, this time with childish nicknames...

1. MATT – Matt Curdle
This week’s VT promises vocal gymnastics. I like when VTs state the obvious. They become like comforting uncles or that voice on the train that tells you your station is coming.
Matt’s singing about the Yellow Brice Road, which despite the Wizard of Oz reference is one of Elton’s less gay numbers. He looks like he’s crying – or has conjunctivitis. His eyes are very glassy and red. Maybe he’s still crying from remembrance days? That minute can drag if you have pain in your heart!
He sounds amazing. I may buy this single off the old iTunes. Or do some sort of clever YouTube conversion – either way, I want to listen again.
All the judges think it was great too. I imagine they will download the song illegally – or get a PA to do it. Despite their praise, they wouldn’t pay for it.

2. ONE DIRECTION – 4 Weddings and a Funeral
In their VT, like all the acts, they go to a Harry Potter premiere and meet star Daniel Radcliffe. One Direction all really fancy Hermione. What laddishness! Don’t they know there’s supposed to be a gay one? Daniel Radcliffe does not fancy Hermione and presumably knows her real name. There’s little else to note about this VT – other than the fact that the band want to be seen as singers. And not just the ugly one who doesn’t even have looks to fall back on.
They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight which is – on a technicality - the bestselling single of all time. They are slick and in tune, though Harry’s strange convulsions are a little distracting. If you’re not pulling ridiculous Ruth Lorenzo notes out of yourself, you shouldn’t spasm like that.
Louis says they’re going in one direction – all the way to the final. He is quite the wordsmith. Dannii says they are scarily consistent. It’s true they haven’t had a shocker yet but I wouldn’t say they’re as reliable as Matt or even Cher. Simon says they’ll win and the guys look surprised. I hope I don’t see these happy, surprised faces at the end of the finale. Matt Curdle FTW!

3. CHER – The gypsy, the tramp, the thief
In her VT, Cher says she was disappointed Cowell didn’t love her Jay-z knockoff and now thinks she’s out of the running. Cheryl tells her it’s fine – and doubtless explained backstage that an act belonging to the nation’s sweetheart wins every year. In other news Cher doesn’t want to work in a shop. Think of the discounts though Cher! We hear she’s going to exposed and on her own on stage and I briefly look forward to an a capella moment such as Ben Mills’ Queen cover or Danyl singing George Michael with just a metronome.
Turns out we don’t get a moment. She’s just lacking in naff dancers. That’s not being exposed – that’s just not using Wagner’s tactics. She sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word but with a weird RnB backing. Its just like Blue’s cover. Only it becomes a strange, half-assed bootleg as she shoves in some ‘dope rhymes’ from one of Eminem’s worst songs. Tell a lie, a half assed bootleg sounds exactly like Wagner’s tactics. I like Cher a lot but I wish she’d stop this.
The judges love it and it sounds a little bit like Louis calls the famous white rapper M&Ms. Ha!

4. KATIE – Katie Weasel
She says going to Harry Pott premiere was magical. Sigh. Somehow being more articulate makes her more of a dick than the idiots she’s competing against. She confuses me so! There are about ten references in her VT to fighting and being a fighter. I wonder what song she’ll do.
She does Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. Subtle this one. It is painful and thin from the first note. Once again she’s dressed as Madonna, when she was seeking Susan. Or being Susan – I haven’t seen the film.
Louis says he saved her and now regrets this. Ha! He also said the song choice was shit. Cheryl gets all bathroom attacker and screams ‘what song would you have given her?’ while banging her fists. This was wonderful. Simon loved it for whatever reason and Dannii admires her for how she copes with being so clearly and universally hated.
Now being shit doesn’t usually earn a fourth place on the meritocracy that is my rank. But a series of wonderful things happened Sunday that she must be rewarded for. She of course ended up in the bottom two and sang a Christina album track. House point, Weasel. She then sang it in tuneful coos and sighs and shakes and shimmies. The camera panned away and up into the sky and there was a stillness in the air. It was the exact opposite of her Jungle Book cabaret but somehow just as wonderful. House point, Weasel. Also she somehow got more votes than the Grimshaw Slasher and he was kicked off. She so should go to achievement assembly for that one.

5. AIDEN – Buffalo Bill
In his VT, we learn that Cheryl thinks he’s less crazy and he’s happy. Because now he’ll be less of a suspect when the killings begin again…
He sings far better than usual. It’s a fair standard cover of Rocket Man and he sang real notes. I was busy filing so I can’t comment on his crazy faces because it wasn’t watching. If you don’t watch he’s ok and doesn’t give off his Ed Gein vibes.
He looked less angry and less like a petulant child when it was done too.
Louis thought he changed the melody too much whereas the others were full of praise.
I think it was his best. His Crowded House cover the next day was shockingly bad though. Almost as bad as his Jealous Guy. He hopped around the stage like a loon or a Monty Python sketch and butchered the song. He had a total stinkface throughout and at one point stuck his necklace in his mouth and sucked on it. What a baby. Though it was a change for him to suck on something rather than just suck at things.


6. REBECCA - Taxidermy
She finally gets to sing last. This was a long time coming for such a frontrunner. In her moody windtunnel shots, she looks a fright. In her VT, we see her squeaking her way through the climax of a Bob Dylan song. She sang most of the song well – I have no idea why they chose to show her making such odd noises. She then tell us she felt like she was gatecrashing the Harry Potter premiere, rather than part of some clever cross-promotion ploy
She sings Candle In The Wind, which is what I thought she’d get. She’s singing about Marilyn, not Diana by the way. Presumably because Cheryl is now Queen of our Hearts and the ITV crowd have completely forgotten about that posh bird. It’s very boring and she stands in the exact same spot as she does most weeks. Maybe she has OCD or a germ phobia or something because she seems glued to that point. She keeps her eyes mostly closed and we see endless close-ups of her enormous and heavily-painted eyelids. There’s not much to say about the vocals – it’s fine but I love Matt’s bells and whistles. Or Cher’s hip-hop Disney princess vibe.
Cheryl says she’s an inspiration to single mothers everywhere. Surely the pramfaces have more in common with Cheryl than tastefully boring Rebecca?

7. PAIJE – Lenny Henry
Paije is made to sing first again. The producers must have it in for him. Or maybe he was meant to be the shock elimination? Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe is a fan and not just because Paije was IN a Harry Potter film as an extra. Daniel pretends to know who the extras are. Simon gives him the seal of approval too but notes how ridiculous the lyrics are to his song choice. Well, it is Elton John week – that’s kind of hard to avoid.
He’s slightly out of time and his voice doesn’t quite fit the song. His ridiculous pink suit fits better but is torture for the eyes. He looks like a blancmange.
Simon says he can’t possibly win, which I think has always been true. Paije then sasses back in a mumbly way about versatility. The problem wasn’t that Paije was too versatile – the problem was that he was too shit this week. He really must pay attention.

8. WAGNER – Rudderless hippy
In his VT, he’s compared to Louis Walsh. Oh please, there’s only one Lewis Walse. Wagner makes me love him again though because he says he’s being given too many words to sing and will doubtless struggle. I like his ‘don’t blame me, I’m rubbish’ angle – it could keep him in the contest longer than Jedward or maybe even Chico managed.
He sounds better than Mary – and even when his eyes bulge he looks less weird than Aiden. He sings I’m Still Standing – which lyrically is going to goad all the booers
He goes straight after Cher and offers a similarly lame bootleg mash up sort of thing when it goes into Circle of Life. Those songs couldn’t be less linked. His accent really gets in the way of the song’s mawkish emotion too – particularly when he sings ‘bland of hope’ and ‘sepal of life.’
The judges give their usual critiques and the audience have the good manners not to boo much until the results show.

9. MARY - Jabba
Her VT is all about how miserable she was last week and how surreal it is that a tuneless sow like her is famous. Hard to believe Mary I agree.
Ha! She’s singing a song from The Lion King. She has a Pumbaa vibe about her but still can’t pull it off. She sounds dreadful and dressed all in black she looks like the Grim Reaper. Oh wait, he’s thin. She looks like the grim reaper and Santa’s daughter.
She yells throughout but in her defense the last note where she yells is more pleasant than the others.
The judges give pity praise and Simon calls her a pub singer.
Just to compare, Dannii stood up after all her acts tonight. Louis politely claps for Mary. Even he realises she’s the pits.