Thex Factor - Final - 'Come into the world, spice up your life'

1. LITTLE MIX - For a first time ever, a group win. But not just any group, one of those hastily-assembled boot camp groups. But not just any hastily-assembled boot camp group, no, in a bizarre twist ropey girl band Little Mix have won. You have to feel a little sorry for all the sluts in Hope, Addictiv Ladies, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain and the ropily-named ropey girl band Girl Band.

2. MARCUS - Oh how I loved his Hey Ya. It came with geek glasses and a giant plane. But it wasn't enough to beat the girls. I think their cover of Silent Night was the winner - 3 of the girls looked and sounded lovely and the fat one looked like a stuffed turkey. The chins, the chins! It was just all so christmassy.
(Fact fans: Alexandra and Little Mix sang Silent Night and won. Their runners-up were JLS and Marcus sang, who both sang Last Christmas. Badly.)

3. AMELIA - I was worried Amelia would win, what with her being an underdog and not being a *bad* singer. Her duet with Kelly was pretty cool also. I think it was only fair that she didn't win, since she'd already been eliminated. And at least she was a better sport about it this time. Well done for conquering the stinkface, woman!

Thex Factor - Final - 'Who run the world? Girls!'

A giant plane
Could not secure victory
Ropey girl band wins?

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – ‘Mother, mother, there’s far too many of us crying’

1. AMELIA LILLY – I loved her Disney Princess Avril cover. I liked the exaggerated whispering most – as if she was talking to her friendly, talking crab or woodlouse.

2. MISHA B – I liked her Disney Villain Pink cover far less. She looked exactly like Ursula the sea witch. Was Ursula the sea witch meant to be black? Thoughts on a postcard, please.

3. LITTLE MIX – Their Motown cover was wretched and sealed their fate as the worst vocalists ever to win this show. (Oooh! Three-week late spoiler!) But their Beyonce cover of If I Were A Boy was so full of pleasant wailing, it was bursting at the seams. Jesy really felt the song – possibly because she can benchpress more than a boy. Because she’s fat. I hope she reads this and it inspires her to lose some weight. Or at least to shut up about being fat.

4. MARCUS – Oh how Marcus has slumped! Last place again! His My Girl cover was sung well but completely weird as we know he is a great big bender. The fact he was so clearly ‘acting’ at being ‘normal’ made it all very West End. The other song was so shit, even the judges said so and Gary had to admit Marcus had a cold. ‘Can You Feel It?’ We could not.

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – 'Stop!'

Marcus sang to girls
Amelia yelled to sing
Misha B turned up

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'If lovin' you's wrong, then I don't wanna be right'

1. AMELIA LILY – Her T’Pau cover was a bit weird. And her Kelly Clarkson was a bit shouty but she didn’t have an awful performance so she comes out fighting in first place.

2. JANET – Now I thought Janet’s cover of that obscure song Under the Bridge by that obscure band Red Hot Chili Peppers was fab. But her Mmmbop (complete with in-mouth vomit, forgotten words and 13 year old boy voice breaking) was maybe the worst of the season. Between RHCP, Hanson and Sixpence None The Richer, it’s clear Janet really likes her 90s dorm pop, doesn’t she? She’s a 30 year old American bisexual trapped in a teenage Irishwoman’s body

3. LITTLE MIX – they horrified with their horrific Bieber cover. They amazed with their amazing Xtina cover. I like that the fat one with self esteem issues cried. Well played, fat one with self esteem issues, well done.

4. MISHA – Her first performance was very shrill and was the crazy ass, Tulisa-threatening Misha we came to love even after we were told not to. Her second was sluggish and dull. I was amazed she made it through after all this.

5. MARCUS – Marcus had his first stinky week with no good performance. His guilty pleasure track was well sung I suppose but I had to look up what song he did. (It was Wham!) His Stevie Wonder song was so dull and so out of tune however. I’m not sure why he was given such a tongue bath. Maybe the judges want another male winner after the sterling sales of Joe McElderry.

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'I'm good at being bad'

Janet Devlin is gone
Somewhere Vickers removes pins,
Laughs so viciously

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Let's all go the lobby!'

1. LITTLE MIX – They did one of my favourite songs. And they sounded good! There’s never any harm in a bit of En Vogue. I love when the X Factor has 90s RnB. Like when Eoghan did Mariah. Or Alexandra unbroke my heart. This is the new direction for Little Mix, I’ve decided. Next week they should do The Boy Is Mine and punch each other.

2. JANET – The Irish beauty/The celtic bore took on Kiss Me – another one of my favourite songs. And a dear friend’s wedding song. It is not boring but it is predictable. She sounds exactly like Vickers and Goulding who in turn sound exactly like Sixpence None the Richer because they spent their impressionable years listening to Kiss Me like I did.

3. AMELIA - tried a rocked out version of Aretha. Well rocked out in the way that One Direction used to rock out, so that every song sounds like Since U Been Gone. I can’t get over how rough and hard and old Amelia looks. Is it from botox or daddy issues?
In other news, Tulisa didn’t think that Think is a well-known song because she doesn’t know it. Surely Think is better known than any N Dubz song? Or any Joe McElderry song?

4. MARCUS - I was told he was doing a song from Sister Act. I was desperately looking forward to Hail Holy Queen or My Guy. Either would have been hilarious. Instead, he tried one of Steve Brookstein’s signature songs. The gospel choir are fun as is the pink suit but the song bores me profoundly. And the staging makes Marcus look very West End.

5. MISHA B – Manchester’s favourite bully bleated a Jennifer Hudson impression of a Whitney Houston song. It’s a little like when you photocopy something twice and the ink gets thinner and you pick up lots of little black specks that weren’t there to start with.

6. CRAIG – When they announced Craig was taking on Bond, I wrote in my notes ‘A bond classic? Goldfinger? Could he get gayer? Oh wait. It’s gladys knight. Much butcher.’
Kelly praised him for always bringing a vocal. Is the bar set that low? Well done for turning up and singing rather than filling out a tax return.

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Who cares what picture you see!'

Watching these losers
Sing all my favourite songs:
Kiss feels like a punch

Thex Factor - Queen and Lady Gaga - 'Don't be a drag, just be a queen'

1. Marcus – that was ridiculously good. Though I have to worry about him always wearing suits and having a quiff up front and a harem of male dancers behind. It reminds me too much of Ray Quinn. He’ll end up in a touring production of Grease and it’ll be his own fault!

2. Amelia – I still have her absurd cover of Billie Jean on my Ipod. She was unlucky to be voted off the first week so Ihave no great issue with her coming back. The yelping near the end was very off so she misses out on top place just this once. Also shes just so hard.

3. Janet – lovely and not as boring as they said. I liked the yelping and it was infinitely more in tune than her so-scary-she’s-a-stalker’s-stalker cover of The Police.

4. Little Mix – When I used to blog at length, I would write about the contestants’ VTs. I don’t have the energy to do that again this year as I’d have to concentrate when Marcus and Craig witter on about nothing. But I do want to mention the girls’ VT as it featured a rank-looking goat curry made by Tulisa. I love that she makes goat curry and ting.
Little Mix’s Gaga cover rocked as they’re not afraid to sound a bit wonky and whore around. Which is the secret to a Gaga performance. Well done girls!

5. Misha B – I did not enjoy this slowed-down dulled-up Gaga cover. I want Misha with the extreme hair and make up and shrill wailing. I didn’t care it made her look like a bitchy alien. This full-voiced frizzy-haired woman is no fun. Louis compared her to Chaka Khan or Jackie Chan – it wasn’t clear.

6. Craig - A ballady Gaga. A boringy Gaga too. Craig should’ve camped it up like last week. Or sung an actual ballad like You and I or Queen’s The Show Must Go On.

7. Kitty - the only Queen song I definitely don’t like. Yuk! Her enunciation is no better than Goldie’s. I guess it’s just less funny because she’s not Chinese. It was her time to go.

Thex Factor - Queen and Lady Gaga - 'All we hear is Radio Gaga'

Janet Devlin slayed
Technical issues delayed
Pink haired ho returned

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'It's not over, not over, not over yet'

1. Marcus - Reet Petite was pretty cool. Except for all the references to SHE being fine.

2. Misha - I miss the crazy Gaga Grace Jones make up but she still has a good voice.

3. The Risk - I thought the white singers and the verses were good. But that left a lot of not-so-good. I didn't think they deserved to go but I'm not crying into my porridge.

4. Little Mix - it took me a good minute and a half to work out what song this was. Damn you Rihanna and your five similar hits a year!

5. Craig - his DJ Sammy cover was passable and in tune. He should've done the candelight mix though.

6. Kitty - she's very nasal and stilted this week. She sings like a French exchange student. It's in English but it's a series of sounds, not words.

7. Janet - there was bogling and mind-boggling hair. Like she'd just bought some straighteners from Superdrug but the manual was in Polish. It was all very wedding singer-y. And she was singing about girls too. The big lezzer!

8. Johnny - He tried the old Wagner trick of singing two songs. It got him eliminated.

9. Frankie - all I wrote in my notes was 'the vest, eww'

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'I got the power!

Club classics week. Sigh
It did not make me dance much
It made me seasick

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'I'm a motherfucking monster'

1. Misha B – She’s bold. She bullies. She bottom two’d it up real nice.

2. Craig – I liked the drums with fiery rain. I can’t remember his performance that well now. I think he may be the new Joe McE.

3. Sophie – She wisely chose to whisper most of it.

4. Kitty – she had a Catherine wheel. The week before Bonfire Night. Mistimed, if not misjudged.

5. Little Mix – in descending order, I liked the staging, the make up, the song choice. Oh and the performance last.

6. Janet – she is not showing off the best of her voice.

7. Marcus – mash up respect bootleg alert! Perhaps he did one as a tribute to Cher Lloyd - the queen of the mash up respect bootleg.

8. Johnny – this should have been girlier but it was fine.

9. Frankie – I’m not sure whether I preferred the very loud backing vocals or the Chas & Dave accent.

10. The Risk – Charlie should do all the singing. Accidents like this happen when he doesn’t

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'Show me your teeth'

They all got dressed up
Alexandra tran style rules
Tulisa's ears - yuk

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I know it's only rock n roll'

1. Misha B - this was not as good as Beautiful Spanish Ruth but it was the performance of the night

2. Johnny - this was brilliant and mad and excellently sung. The other 10 were not. Johnny is, was and shall forever be

3. Kitty - she is not as bonkers as she could still be but this was brilliantly sung

4. The Risk - Gnarls Barkley is not rock

5. Craig - this was not boring but it was not as good as Leona's cover of the same. Progress at least

6. Janet - this is not interesting any more

7. Frankie - it is not easy ranking this douchebag so high

8. Sami - Cher is not to be covered like this

9. Sophie - big notes are not her friends

10 Marcus - dancing with girls is not the same as being straight

11. Rhythmix - Ke$ha is not rock. This was not good

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I wanna rock, ROCK, rock, ROCK'

Bullies were called out
Barlows were nasty, spiteful
Best show by a mile

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'I learned the way to break a heart'

1. Kitty - funny and weird and excellently-staged, if not sung, Kitty ruled the night

2. Johnny - at least he made me laugh

3. Janet - at least she made me smile

4. Rhytmix - last week, I liked the ropey boy bands. This week it's the girl turn to be better than they really should

5. Misha B - A Charles & Eddie cover? If I tweeted, I'd just write #wtf. What will she do next week? Chaka Demus and Pliers?

6. The Risk - the new favourites to win are just a bit boring for my tastes

7. Sophia - the new underdog to win was just a bit boring for my tastes

8. Sami - her career ambition is to be a loose woman. Her ambitions are smaller than
most, but still unattainable

9. Marcus - Gary needs to choose a direction for Marcus fast, not just give him recent hits to sing reasonably well

10. Craig - fat like Sami, gay like Marcus but even less fun than both. That's a sad tale

11. Nu Vibe - I think they are little better than Frankie but they were never going to last. No great loss

12. Frankie - I have never liked this man or any of his performances. But I like that he almost made Goo Goo Dolls reach #1. Maybe that's why God has let him stay another week

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'Love hurts'

I watched the show drunk.
It wasn't any better,
Only confusing.

Can you name every X Factor finalist every year?

I could name all but three with help.

I forgot Beverley Trotman, Lloyd Daniels and (ouch) James Michael from a week ago.

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'Put on the red light'

Loving the shock twist
Hating Amelia’s hair
She looks like a ho

Rankings to follow

Thex Factor - Judges' Homes - 'Hey hey, hey, on the beach, on the beach'

Gary made some bad calls.
Kelly likes teenage slappers
But not the obese.

Thex Factor - Boot camp - 'No alarms and no surprises'

Of course Janet ruled
And of course Goldie bemused
And Louis Louis-ed

Thex Factor - Auditions 6 & 7 - 'We can make a freakshow'

Scally boy wowed all
Expelled from 3 schools, he says
Read: given lines once

Ceri came back again
Not as funny the fourth time,
Now she’s clearly ill

Thex Factor - Auditions 5 - 'Oh we got trouble'

A haiku about last night's episode which blurred in my mind so much with the day before's episode that my haiku can't get too specific


Winner is awol.
So’s Gary Barlow’s boss eye,
Tulisa’s last name

Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And I'm like fuck you'

A haiku about last night's 'why don't you audition on your own' drama that happens every year:

She felt so guilty,
had to leave her friends behind.
Then sang 'Forget You'

Ha!

Thex Factor - Auditions 3 - 'Spend your life in sin and misery'

They liked Master Tub,
Sent the aged rocker through.
This does not bode well.

Thex Factor - Audition 2 - 'Your looks are laughable, unphotographable'

A recap in haikus...


Old Gay troubled me
A glimpse of my future self?
Let us all pray not

SuBo set the trend
You have to be dead ugly
To stand a chance here

Thex Factor – Audition 1 - 'You can't stop lookin' at me'

In the world of twitter, and riots arranged by messages no longer than a sentence, it seems illogical to write essays on each episode that are thousands of words long.

Plus I now have a very profitable sideline making cantalopue body butters and thrush cream out of tree bark.

So instead I offer to you, faithful fans, far shorter but no less snarky recaps.


* Tulisa off of N Dubz is so famous she doesn’t need a last name. Like Cher. Or Beyonce. Either that or the producers can’t spell or pronounce her last name.

* I liked Janet, the mini-Vickers, and her Ellie Goulding cover. But then I am a sucker for coos and yelps and pleasant wailing. A lot of fuss was made about her shyness. How long do we have to wait to find out about her secret record deal?

*Liam showed his bum and it was hard to tell whether it was pixelated or whether he doesn’t have a crack or hair like any normal person. I also enjoyed the domestic abuse/incest banter he had with Gary Barlow about showing grandkids his bum. It was the best domestic abuse/incest banter I think we’ve ever had on this show.

* Kitty reminded me a lot of Katie Wasshole from last year. The sitting on stage. The ugliness. The weirdness.

* There was a Tai Chi instructor who vomited offstage then whored around on stage. I liked how she gave Louis Walsh a bit of a lapdance. She didn’t want to treat him any different to a real man. Good for her.

* Scumbag auditionee George ‘attacked’ Tulisa. This was all staged, from the moment Tulisa glared at George and said ‘I know you’ even though he was shown for about a minute two years ago. But it still had the possibility that actual blows would be dealt. Do you remember George from a few years ago? He was in an N-Dubz style band who were very much against thuggery. Then they threw a mic and were rude. This year, he said he was a changed man and lacked the temper. Then loomed over the judges, shouted and called Tulisa a scumbag who couldn’t replace Cheryl, even though Tulisa’s criminal record is probably far cleaner than Tweedy’s. People’s favourite Dermot then shouted ‘watch yer mouth’ a lot in a way that was far more threatening than anything George did. It was so confusing – you didn’t know the scumbags were and who the virtuous ITV employees were.

Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Finale - 'It's the final countdown, de de doo doo'

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It was the x factor final. Twice.
One act left on Saturday, which I guess made that the semi final. Then on Sunday, three went down to two then to one. Which I guess made that both a semi and a final. It was all quite the event. Waissel came back and got fewer cheers than the also-back Wagner.

2. There were celebrities and they duetted
Take That sang the same song they did a few weeks ago. Christina and Rihanna also turned up. I wrote in my notes:
‘Xtina
Big slut
Rihanna
Big slut also.’
Sometimes I don’t feel the need to expand on my notes when they’re just so articulate.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT CARDLE – He won
We see him crying in Essex then singing Dido – a song where sounding slightly whingey is good because it’s better than sounding bored. God I forgot how much I liked this song. I don’t think I’ve listened to it since 2001. Wait that’s not true – I listened to it in 2004 when I got lost in some woods. On minidisk no less!
There are weird catholic nuns in the background playing strings Or maybe theyre klan members Regardless they wear weird capes and add little to the performance.
Next up is his celebrity duet. Apparently she wanted to sing with him – oh please she wanted to sell some records and they’d only let her perform her new stuff if she did a ropey duet. From the first note, we all know it’s Rihanna and the audience scream because they’re excited she’ll be on stage. And not because of the imminent poorly changed lyrics. I’m sure Matt gets his Hes and Shes mixed up a few times. In other news, he’s suddenly knock kneed and keeps putting his hand in his mouth. She looks like Jessica rabbit. And no offence but they’re not evenly matched – Matt is a much better singer even without trying. Still it’s better than the others.
For his last song before the voting, Matt decides to get conjunctivitis. Seriously, why are his eyes also so red and glassy and weepy? He sings Firework, which is a paper thin song. It’s all echoey but everyone better than Katy Perry I suppose. He also wears yellow trousers. The whole thing seemed like self-sabotage (or Cowell-led sabotage) to me but he still won.
Last we see him sing Biffy Clyro. I wish that made more sense with hindsight but it doesn’t it. Biffy Clyro have the Christmas #1 fact fans! And we have only the second X Factor winner’s song ever that’s not at least 60% about winning the X Factor.

2. REBECCA – Second place
I can’t be arsed writing much about the others. Mainly because they’re losers. I’ll be brief:
Rebecca’s first song was a Corinne Bailey Rae cover. She refused to move or open her eyes. The whole affair was as boring as it sounds.
Next time the world’s worst duet with Christina. The first half was find when Rebecca purred in her unbothered way. Then Christina shouted and appeared to have five chins. Rebecca then gave up singing altogether. A few weeks too late.
On Sunday night, I ate my words as Rebecca suddenly became Grace Jones. It was ace. She sang the Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams and harnessed both her corpse-like coolness and Dido-like halfsinging to create the perfect pop performance. Seriously, it was ace.
Lastly, she sang Duffy and, to copy and paste, the whole affair was as boring as it sounds.

3. ONE DIRECTION – Third place
This was a bit of a shock as I was convinced they’d come at least second. They had the Irish vote, the Asian vote, the Granny vote, the Pity vote and the Feeder vote all sewn up between them. But alas Matt’s much better voice and Rebecca’s constant weeping and supposedly better voice was too much for them.
I can’t remember what they sang first at all. Maybe it was Torn? They certainly sang that at least once and it was fine. They also did a strange cover of Your Song which was not as dramatic as the Moulin Rouge version, nor as simple as the original, nor as intimate as Ellie Goulding’s. It was a strange mix of all three and not in the dope mash up way that Cher Lloyd is fond of.
They also did some karaoke with a coked up Robbie Williams. All six of them shouted along and swayed grinned and it was sweet but hardly worth acclaim. He ended their performance by grinning and shouting ‘One Direction – phone in.’ I wished he’d done a Freudian slip and said ‘phoned it’ but it did not happen.
They didn’t get a fourth song because they were voted off. Too bad, so sad.

4. CHER – The biggest loser
Now recently outed by Louis and Sinitta as the twattiest contestant ever, even Cher knew she wouldn’t make it to Sunday.
She performed her weirdest dope mash up yet – the 60s playground chant The Clapping Song mixed with Get Ur Freak On. Neither parts made sense as a modern performance (especially as Cher’s name is not Missy, as so many of the lyrics demand). Together, it made even less sense.
Next was a lifeless duet with Will.I.Am. Need I write that this was a medley? No. You knew it. All four have record deals (allegedly) so it doesn’t really matter that Cher came last and Matt won. It will only become an issue when nobody wants to buy Cher’s records.

Thex Factor - Semi Finals - 'It's Not Over Yet'

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is the semi final
And oh it’s dramatic. Losing isn’t an option and they want it so bad, the contestants tell us. Matt says they only have this one opportunity to be successful. Unless you’re a real pop star in which case you have a series of opportunites failures and comebacks

2. It is dance and manipulative ballad week
I can’t think of a better way to describe this loose theme. Dermot calls it ‘dancefloor blockbusters’ and ‘a song to get them into the final.’ Or in Cher’s case, a RIGGED vote will do it. That’s if you believe the tabloids.

3. There are guest performers
The Glee cast are autotuned. The Black Eyed Peas perform a terrible dance track. Alexandra Burke looks like a man. I'm not sure which of these statements is the most surprising.

Here comes the rankings, this time with teacher’s comments

1. REBECCA – This is very good for you. Good girl.
In VT one, Rebecca makes out she’s born on a big journey since her audition. She’s gone from staring at the floor to keeping her eyes clamped shut and looking like a big corpse. She then talks gushingly about people spending phone credit voting for her. Oh how the other half live! Everyone I know thinks in ‘minutes,’ not ‘credit.’
She’s singing Show Me Love by Robin S. Ace! Her voice suits it even if it is a little dreary. Cheryl Cole sampled this for the Brits so it’s obviously a firm favourite for the former thug. I wouldn’t say Rebecca dances – or even sings it uptempo – but there is lots of dancing going on around her. Though confusingly the dancers wear black, which makes the whole thing a bit funereal. She looks miserable and does silly high notes. What else is new?
Simon looks pleased and says she’s cool and controlled. Or cold and dull. Thank god the second performance was better. If a little cold and still quite dull.
Next we hear she’ll sing a beautiful song that touches everyone. Special, special, special, they say. There’s talk we’re all going to weep. Iris is played as the VT backing music – I so hope she does Iris but I know it’s unlikely.
She sings Amazing Grace. Its lovely and I sit and drink and listen and don’t type. Until some silly high notes spoil it and I type ‘silly high notes.’ Still, she was the best on a weak night.

2. MATT – You can do better. Try to focus and watch your handwriting
In VT one, we see a few seconds of his wonderful Moody Blues cover. He then says ‘Check out where I am now’ and destroys her painter everyman image quite egregiously. There is then VT drama about his illness – and shots of his Mum bringing him hot drinks. See, times like this living at home is more ‘ideal’ than he had claimed. We then see him mising all his rehearsals – lying in sweaty sheets, listening to his ipod. Ha!
He sings You Got The Love – by that really interesting artist who you’ve probably not heard of, Florence and her Machine. His voice sounds girlish and faltering. It is unclear what effect this mystery illness is having for that reason. He’s playing an electric guitar that’s not plugged in. His eyes are red and watery again. The big notes will not be as impressive – he sounds a bit drunk. Still better than Rebecca’s first performance and subtler than Mary.
SC bitches he had a cold too – and didn’t go on and on about it
In his second VT, he looks no less sweaty in every shot. The second song will be very romantic, which is his strength. I think after tonight looking sweaty is his new strength.
He sings She’s Always a Woman , or the John Lewis song. I love the song so and it’s such a shame he has a cold. It’s also a shame the song involves lots of quick singing and less manly growling or iffeminate wailing. It doesn’t suit him much. He looks bored and a little pissed. He’s either very out of time or not discussed the arrangement with whoever’s playing the piano. It just goes from bad to worse very quickly, much like Konnie Huq’s presenting or Liam Payne’s purging.
Louis says he’s ‘so going through’ and is clearly encouraging the public to assume he’s safe. CC saw the stinkface but blames his illness and Simon says it was his worst song ever. That does not help the stinkface. I still hope and believe Matt will win but he will need to get the housewives blubbing next week and do his best girlish wailing next week for that to happen.

3. ONE DIRECTION – A little hit and miss. Please try to be consistent
In VT one, Zain gropes Harry and has his hand batted away. Ha! They kept this secret well. Everyone’s gaydar was pointed at the Irish one. Zain is also very excited to meet Joe McElderry. The plot thickens.
They sing Rihanna. With poorly changed lyrics? Of course. Liam looks more like a dyke than Rihanna ever could. It’s a strange choice to cover a song that was performed on the show only a few weeks ago.
Cheryl felt the same – and thought it was strange to compete with a song that’s still top ten. You know if they’d done Promise This, she wouldn’t have a problem. In hindsight, their Rihanna cover wasn’t great but at least it wasn’t as painful as the others below this.
In VT two, the dead relative card is played. I think we are very briefly shown a picture of Zain with his family, one of whom is now dead. Poor Zain missed rehearsals to grieve.
The performance of Chasing Cars was bloody dull. Even for a performance of Chasing Cars. I wrote nothing about it and had only bored thoughts throughout. I think at one point I pumiced my heels and wanted to apply some ladies’ lotion.
Dannii used the word ‘classy’ instead of bloody dull but I think we can read between the lines there. She wants to keep her job.

4. MARY – Good try
She tells us that in the bottom two, she sang with every bit of passion that God gave her. Note she doesn’t claim that God gave her any talent. This is progress.
She says, regarding her dancefloor blockbuster, she wants people to bop along at home and she wants to act like she’s in a disco. She’s so unhip, even for a checkout lady.
She sings Never Can Say Goodbye – wearing a horrendous sparkly dress, almost as bad as the ones being sold on The Apprentice the other week. Her hollering is okay but I’m not going to get excited. I think the gay dancers prancing around her have the country’s quota of excitement
Dannii says Mary has her mojo back – haven’t they been saying that for weeks? Does the mojo leave and come back every week, like an attention seeking child that keeps running away?
Simon calls Louis gay and Louis says no, you are. In equally insipid news, the judges like Mary. I do a little bit more but not enough.
For her second introduction, Louis tells us she’s going to sing her heart out and she needs votes. Ha! It’s quite an achievement to fit so much pity praise into a two sentence introduction.
I was busy pity voting for Matt so I missed the beginning of Marys performances. But, professional blogger that I am, I rewound and watched it from the beginning
I kind of regret this. She sings The Way We Were – I much preferred when they sang it during Sex and the City. It was less shouty then.
She cries at the end. Oh Mary, you ignite my inner cynic so. I call so much bullshit about this crying. (Plus, it doesn’t even work as Mary is given the boot the next night after a shouty James Brown cover.)
Dannii says she looks gorgeous and Mary then seems to pull out a dead parent card. How many of that card are in the deck?

5. CHER – This is not good enough
There is much business in VT one with her Nan. Her Nan is suspiciously young, even for someone as scal as Cher. And, also, where is Mum?
There is then lots of stuff about how she’s not really cocky. When she stomps around stage snarling, it’s not because she’s an arse, she assures us – it’s just an affectation. Good to know.
She sings the less good B.O.B. single – the one about beautiful girls. It doesn’t really work when a girl sings it. And even less well when Cher does. I like the manga little miss Disney princess voice but I’m not sure how well that fits with her ‘street’ image. The bells are clanging more than ring a dingin. She keeps saying Hello in a Dick Van Dyke accent for no discernible reason. That’s better than yelling JERUSALERRRRM but also much less funny.
In VT number two, we learn song number two is emotional. In fact, she’s never known a song that has brought out such emotions in her. Apart from that song that made her weep. Twice. Apparently it really defines where she is in this competition.
The judges worry about the song choice and think she’ll be compared to the original. I heard a rumour she’s doing Fight for This Love. I said this last week but someone urgently needs to cover All I Wanna Do.
Turns out she’s not covering a judge or singing a song with any real emotion to it. She’s singing Love The Way You Lie, which is not so much a song as an excuse to get Rihanna on your comeback to sell more records.
The high notes are pretty rough and the big stage draws attention to how limp this song is. Also, what does it have to do with her X Factor dreams?
Dannii says she only liked the singing towards the end – possibly because it was about to end. She also thought a ballad would have milked more votes. Cheryl admits they’re not really competing anymore. Which might be why Cher ended up in the bottom two. Again. She has the advantage of being less unmarketable than Mary, and sings her Britney song with her usual High School Musical inflections better than Mary shouts, so she stays in.
There will be four people in the final, if Cher bothers to show up. She must know she can’t win


Kisses,
Thexy

Thex Factor - Rock Week - 'Hey, Hey, I Wanna Be A Rockstar'

1. It is Rock week
And nothing says rock like special guests The Wanted. Wtf. The Wanted attempt a big performance with fireworks and dodgems. And it just looks a bit dangerous rather than exciting. Also, they’re very hobbity. And there is no mention of how one of them was on this show and was disqualified. Ask the tough questions, Dermot.

2. If only it was just The Wanted
We must also watch Justin Bieber – who is shrill and unpleasant. Oh and looks like Liam Payne from One Direction, but even more lesbian. And we must deal with a bunch of lies about Nicole Scherzinger. We are told she is one of the world’s biggest popstars. Even in her PCD heyday, that has never been true. We are also told this is her first solo single. When she’s already had a flop debut called Baby Love. And a duet with Enrique. And didn’t she sing Jai Ho on her own. I like the drag styling and dancing but she sounds like a slutty Minnie Mouse. There are about four breakdowns – I think she’s on stage for about ten minutes. The crowd go nuts but it may just be relief it’s over. She gets all whispery like she’s Janet Jackson. Scherzinger, you are no Janet Jackson.

On with the rankings, with clearly defined roles…




1. MATT – The frontrunner
In his VT, we get a reminder of his sweaty vest. It looks no better with hindsight. Apparently it wasn’t planned – and he’d just had a big strop about the outfit he was given. Why are the cast being honest about their backstage twattiness this year? It makes so little sense when they’re trying to win people over. Also Matt didn’t realise at first he was the last boy left. Before you think he’s stupid, I can see the confusion. He doesn’t exactly sing like a boy. He’s changing a song completely we hear. I hope this is true – the last time he ‘changed’ a song – he just covered Travis.
It’s I Love Rock N Roll. It’s so karaoke – whoever’s singing it. Even the original is karaoke. So far he hasn’t changed it at all. He writhes around with slutty dancers, which may arouse or alienate his housewife fanbase. He sings better than anyone else but still – this is weird. You keep thinking its over and then find that’s wishful thinking and another chorus comes. His power notes are fine and a bit more manly.
He looks really angry when it’s over – a little too much rock for him.
Louis says he’s consistently good – and safe for another week. Cheryl says the same. I think they’re trying to stop his fans voting with all this safe talk.
Matt next sings a ‘forgotten song’ that will capture our imaginations. He promises another total revamp.
Which we really don’t get. It’s another note for note cover. But it’s of Nights In White Satin – I love this song!!!! And I too had forgotten it. The song completely suits his voice – the whimpering, the wailing, the screaming. The last note is scarily good – and not just scary, as Wagner and Mary so often are.
Louis says it was note perfect, incredible, brilliant. Cheryl says it’s his best yet and Simon says it’s genius. Another easy victory for Curdle.

2. WAGNER – The jester
He’s living in a hotel and we see a picture of him in his pants. Errr. He’s the only one who doesn’t get to go shopping for his charity single during his VT. Maybe he doesn’t sing on it? He’s singing a song everybody knows but nobody is expecting. Unless you read the spoilers. Which I did.
He sings Creep. And he actually sings it – he doesn’t prance around with the slutty dancers. His eyes don’t threaten to fall out of his head. No, no. He just sings and he sounds better than Mary ever has. I quite enjoyed it. For all the right reasons.
The judges are quite complimentary though there is some covert bitchery when Dannii kind of calls him a creep and Cheryl gives the snake eyes.
Next he tries Robert Palmer. I write in my notes “OH fuck yes!” The capitals and punctuation say it all. I was excited but it’s not great – and the dancing is not as big as it could have been. It’s just fine – not as awful as he’s been, or as fun as he was the first week – just a little flat
Dannii says he’s ‘Back to the Wagner we know’ and the vocal was full of ‘out of tune singing.’ Simon then calls Wagner fascinating.
Not fascinating enough though as he ends up in the bottom two. In line with his Creep cover, he decides to go all meta- and also actually sing. He sings Unforgettable with a resigned grin – he knew he would be voted off against anyone else. Even Katie Weasel.



3. KATIE – The tabloid star
We see a VT where the judges pretend her massacre of Help last week was good.
Katie’s hair still looks like a wig but everyone’s pretending the look is good too. The whole world’s a stage sometimes. Katie tells us ‘the mask is being removed’ like she’s a Greek actress and not a reality TV hamster. Louis is glad the stupid hair is gone and Katie says she’ll show the real her. Again. It’s quite funny the way the VT keeps flicking between the new ‘real Katie’ and publicity stills of a clearly fake blonde Katie wearing stupid forehead jewellery.
She sings that song about one’s Sex being on Fire. The coos and sex noises work quite well. Her yelling ‘woo’ and letting the backing vocalists sing the whole chorus works less well.
Dannii says it was frantic and trying too hard. Simon says it was fun and risky – then the audience chant. He concludes with ‘Only you, after the week you’ve had, could come out and sing your sex is on fire.’ I think this is some reference to her family life
Katie tells us her second song is very relevant. Really? Are there many songs about your gran being a whore?
It’s Everybody Hurts. Oh Cheryl is getting lazy. This is one of the songs foisted on Vickers when she wasn’t going to win anymore. It’s quite fake – the hands clutching at nothing, the furrowed brows. She is an actress in a bad way. But it was better than Cher manga rapping or Mary shouting. Some of the yelling and pained wailing is quite pleasant.
Simon didn’t like that the song was only a minute and a half long. Then why have a show where people sing for a minute and a half? Why not ask them to sing fewer songs for longer? All the judges are more positive, which I think is fair. It’s all moot though. She’s voted off and doesn’t sing her goodbyes.

4. ONE DIRECTION – The ones ‘they’ want to win
Simon now appears to know their names and the girls in the audience squeal for them. What good news for them. They are adored! In their VT, they say their main competition comes from the best singers. Well, duh. They also aren’t happy with a charity #1, they want one in their name (where they get to keep the proceeds.) They’re coming off quite calculated – maybe they’re not as stupid as the Irish one looks.
They’re singing Bryan Adams. I write ‘Oh shite.’ This song reminds me of too many bad club nights. It’s just too awful. Their serviceable voices aren’t enough to make this less painless. Nor is the standard One Direction backing track that sounds a bit like Since U Been Gone. They have more backing dancers than Wagner usually has. Simon doesn’t get out of his chair this week. Maybe he hates the song too.
Cheryl liked the foot stamping – I bet she likes traffic jams too. It turns out Harry picked the song. I thought more of him. He has let me down.
Before their second song, Simon says ‘You know what’s coming?’ I assumed I knew the answer. It would be a song performed fine by a slightly above average looking group of boys to a Kelly Clarkson album track backing. Turns out I was wrong. The second song is as their VT claimed a lot more challenging.
It is You Are So Beautiful. Liam’s hair is bigger than his waist. He sings in a very Butlins way. Harry sounds a little more interesting. A little.
‘It may be the best of the night,’ I wrote in my notes before Matt sang – and before my man cold made me bitter, but it’s not exciting. Oh and the Irish one and the ugly one don’t get to sing. Ha!
Louis says it’s not a rock song and Simon tells him to read a book. A book about Joe Cocker, we assume. Reading London Fields probably wouldn’t help with this issue.

5. REBECCA – The one with the ‘best’ ‘voice’
The clips of her Yesterday from last week sound very wimpy. Simon says she has the best voice in the competition and she’s the one to beat. I bet Matt sticks two new pins in his doll after that. Or probably straight into Rebecca. I doubt she’d even feel them going on.
Shes doing U2 with a Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae style backing. She’s also wearing a revolting leopard print dress. It’s weird. She moves very little – on the spot of course – and manages to keep her eyes open a bit more often. The performance is very slow and a little dull as hers usually are – but even more so because they’ve slowed the song down so much.
Dannii would like her to not just stand there like a corpse. Dannii also goes out of her way to say it wasn’t boring, when it so clearly was. Simon thought it was stiff but that she has the most beautiful, unique voice. And Rebecca nods. Ha!
In her second VT, she says she’s been put ‘in a miserable box.’ Possibly because the first few weeks of the contest weeping. And all the weeks since with her eyes slammed shut looking miserable and uncomfortable,
She sings Rolling Stones meets the Dreamgirls. She sounds better than usual- she doesn’t make weird high pitched noises for the first time in weeks. And the backing singers are in Supremes dresses – and there are trumpeters – oh, it’s all a lot of fun. It was probably better than Katie but I am loath to change the rankings now.
Louis had Motown flashbacks. Dannii says it vintage, original and liked she was less corpselike. Three of them compare her to Aretha. Oh please. It’s one thing comparing Leona to 90s divas, or comparing One Direction to JLS, but comparing this limpet to Aretha is just taking the piss. The judges need to stop hyping this girl. It will all end badly for everyone.

6. CHER – The also ran
In Cher’s VT, Cheryl tells Cher to see being in the bottom two (and knowing now she can’t possibly win) as a positive. She gives no details how or why. She’s a good mentor, not a great one. It’s pop rock this week apparently, which is clearly not keeping to the theme. She wants to ‘tear da whole roof off.’ Cher needs some new slang urgently.
She’s singing Avril Lavignes girlfriend with rapping – presumably her own lyrics but I don’t know. If anyone knows send me a message. I want to know whether I watched a dope mash up or some sick freestyle rhymes. She raps quite quickly and it’s better than when Vickers did it and I liked Vickers. (Oh yes – another of Cheryl’s acts got to rehash one of Vickers’s worst performances. Cheryl’s eyes are clearly on a different prize.) The choruses are rap-less and she looks more like a manga character than ever.
It’s fun but little else.
Dannii says it was complex – compared to her, I suppose – and both her and Simon thought it was her best performance ever. I don’t understand why.
Cher tells the public to pick up their phones if they ever want to see her again. It’s nice she recognises that contestants don’t often get careers after the show. She’s less likely to have a breakdown already knowing that.
In her next VT, she hints her second song is played out. There are promises of explosions and risk taking.
It’s Walk This Way. I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. It’s kind of funny Cheryl’s setting one of her act’s a song she’s covered. When will someone sing one of Dannii’s hits? Matt could do a mean All I Wanna Do I’ll bet.
It’s pointless. The rapping is a little clunky and slow. The singing is a little shrill. She looks like N-Dubz if they were on the Simpsons. Or a clown. It’s fucked up.

7. BIG FAT MARY – The Pub singer
In her VT we learn she likes the troops. Oh big shocker. I bet she thinks there’s too many foreigns about too. She’s singing a track by one of Irelands best known bands. Jedward? U2? Apparently she connects to the song and it reminds her of her daughter’s father, her only love. It’s unclear whether he’s dead or just went off to find someone thinner.
She sounds significantly less awful than usual. She’s almost soft on the verses. Almost. She doesn’t yell until at least halfway, which is much better than every note. I quite liked that too.
She tears up at the end and the audience chant her name.
Cheryl says she connects with every song. I call bullshit as she sings every song, regardless of the lyrics, as if she’s yelling at a nuisance neighbour. Mary hopes U2 enjoyed it but doesn’t make any claims about her own abilities, which again is an improvement. I would so give Mary a sticker after that.
There is VT talk of imminent ‘hot dance moves’ for her second performance. I remember fondly how she struggled in Boot Camp with her t’robbing knees and art’ritis. I hope she will fall – or say ‘You know what, sod it’ then sit down – but it doesn’t happen.
I write in my notes ‘Yuk – Pretenders’ even though I like Pretenders. I think it’s the idea of Mary singing anything that puts me in a mood. And she’s dressed as Cher Lloyd. A fat Cher Lloyd. It’s weird and very midtempo and completely undoes all her good work on the U2 number. No wonder nobody voted for it. (Though the question remains why they voted any other weeks.)
She belts away in the bottom two. She shakes her fists and gives the cameras evils. And screams and yells as if she’s attacking a bathroom attendant. But it’s not her worst.

Thex Factor - Beatles Week - 'What they need's a damn good whacking'

1. It was Beatles week
Beatles Schmeatles. Forget Piggies and making Liverpool famous for something other than crime. The iffy covers delivered last weekend were clearly better than anything the Fab Four ever did for the world.

2. There is talk of last week’s shock elimination
Yes, it is a great shock when weak singers who were never going to win and who nobody really likes get voted off. Just like it was a huge shock when Lucie and Big Fat Laura got voted off in their years

3. I heart Olly Murs
Now I hated Olly Murs last year as much as the next right-thinking person. I hated his stupid dancing and his fugly face and his limp voice. But then today I heard his debut single for the first time and it’s heaps of fun. This new one is more cod reggae and it is better than it has any right to be. There’s even an awkward reference to Bob Mar-ley. He’s the white Pato Banton! And I loves it. I’m officially on the Murs bandwagon. I even like that his Mum is called Vicky Pollard. Don’t believe me check here

4. I do not heart the new charity single
Before its world premiere, we see a VT about people with real problems – dead father, missing legs, almost dying. It really puts those X Factor VTs (where people have issues such as having to sing and dance at the same time) in the shade. It doesn’t hurt that the man with a missing leg is much better looking than a Cardle or a Grimshaw.
As the song begins, Matt and Rebecca sing the first few lines. Though Girl Band sang the bulk of their charity single – and Vickers got about two lines – so we mustn’t read too much into that. I don’t think we hear Cher or John Adeleye once. They’re lip synching, and have clearly been heavily autotuned, but Belle Amie still sound shit. Ha! Oh and Grimshaw sounds normal and Byrne doesn’t shout. Clearly the record producers are stricter about ridiculous affectations and tuneless screaming than the judges are. The judges stand throughout but their slouches show this is just a formality. Even a choir of soldiers can’t stop then looking bored.

On with the rankings, this week with a Divas song that best describes them

1. PAIJE – Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
He seems a decent sort in his VT. We see footage of him being shocked he went through while Grimshaw’s caterwauling was finally punished. Gosh everyone’s pretending last weeks result was surprising aren’t they? I can’t and won’t
Dannii says his song choice is massive. He’s clearly going to do Let it Be.
And he does. And it’s lovely. And not just because I was having a nice tart and polishing off a glass of wine when it came on. The riffing is ridiculous – in a good way.
Cheryl calls it angelic. Se has word of the day toilet paper. Simon admits he was rude last week but still believes Paije can’t win. There was never a truer word spoken as Paije ends up in the bottom two the next night (a place no winner has ever been).
A brilliant Jamelia cover full of riffing and wailing and giving it ‘welly’ and sanging can’t help him. Neither can the fact he’s also dressed infinitely better than normal. He’s sent home with little fanfare. Poor Paije.

2. CHER – Queen of the Night
Cher’s Imagine is tasteful and lovely. It’s like a Disney princess cover, which is not spoiled by any rapping or dope mash-up nonsense.
The judges and public aren’t as enthused as I. Louis says it was not contemporary and didn’t like the absense of rap or choir. He loves a good sappy choir. Simon hates that she was sitting on a staircase. This must be based on some childhood tragedy because I thought that performance was faultless. Or at least good enough to keep her out of the bottom two. My powers of prediction and appreciation are clearly shot to shit,
In the bottom two, she repeats her Stay performance. This is either very lazy or very canny – a chance to remind the judges of that time they told her she was the best ever.
Or a chance to bore them with a rehash. Second time around, it’s is just as lovely.
And she weeps less – or at least the weeping interferes with her singing less. She looks a mess though and her voice breaks on the same note as last time – but she perseveres and still gets the song done. She’s a pro! And not a Pretty Woman pro. This once.

3. ONE DIRECTION – The Winner Takes It All
Harry is a big Beatles fan according to his VT. I doubt the other four have heard of them. I know 8 year olds who can’t name any of the Beatles after all.
They’re doing All You Need is Love to a Max Martin Pink/Clarko backing track. I like how Simon sorts out proper, interesting backing tracks for them then chides all the others for being copycat.
Dannii notices some timing botches and the others get shocked. Dannii isn’t sticking to the ‘boy band to win’ script. Cheryl gives Simon a taste of his medicine and talks about the platform and Simon is forced to say platforms and staircases and such don’t matter.

4. REBECCA – Smooth Operator
The seven minutes I spent watching this is too boring to write much about.
She’s from Liverpool. She sang Yesterday fine. She stood in the same spot. She had her eyes closed. She made some high pitched noises. I’m so over her now. She needs to do some Alexandra Burke style tranny dancing urgently.

5. MATT – You’re So Vain
He’s wearing a vest this week. I think it’s meant to be sexy. He sings Come Together in a weird gravely voice, rather than usual his wailing, girly voice. He sounds like a pirate – or an angry landlord. It’s fucking weird. Even Olly Murs sang it better – and he ripped his shirt off rather than wearing a scally vest. It becomes passable at the end only when he wails like a girl.
Louis is disappointed and Simon hates the styling. It’s true Matt does look like the gay one in a boyband wearing that vest. Simon goes even meaner saying he looks like he was ‘Dragged from the loo.’ Ha! Simon doesn’t want another flop male winner this year, does he?

6. MARY – My Name is Not Susan
Though she is quite as ugly as Susan Boyle. In her VT she rattles on about her daughter, her beautiful daughter. Said daughter is kinda old – its not like it’s a baby that she can exploit for votes.
Mary yells Something, which is maybe my least favourite Beatles song. It’s less scary than previous weeks, which is Something. Yes, let’s be positive!
Dannii says it was ‘up there with her best’ – which is very different praise from saying ‘the best.’ Simon loves the song choice and gives grudging props to Louis. Three judges say she’s got her confidence back. That is good but I feel Mary’s problem has always been her excess of confidence and absence of talent. Why can’t she get some of the latter back?

7. WAGNER - Beautiful
No matter what they say. In his VT, he says he thought his last performance was beautiful and quite good. Ha! Wagner isn’t bothered that he’s booed because not everyone likes Pavarotti. Except everyone does like the famous tenor – even more so now he’s dead and it would be a bit tacky to slag him off. Even Wagner’s logic is a bit shit.
He’s doing Get Back. As Beatles songs go, it’s not nearly wacky enough for Wagner. I’d have loved for him to try Piggies or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Oh shit it’s a medley – Louis loves a good Beatles medley doesn’t he? He foisted one on JLS years ago, ruining their tentative attempts to be all gangsta. Blood.
Cheryl looks bored and irritated throughout. There are some post-performance boos but also a lot of chanting. The tide has turned? Dannii has nothing to say. Cheryl, on the other hand, has nothing constructive to say but takes him to task for some comments he’s made about her. News to me! She furiously yells about it and it makes no one look good.

8. KATIE – Don’t Speak
She gets the pimp spot, which is enough to keep her in the contest for another week. She says in her VT she doesn’t deserve all the shtick she gets. She pronounces it just like shit. Apparently the title of her song ‘says it all.’
I don’t know the song. Turns out it was Help (thanks Google search) but it sounded so weird that I couldn’t recognise it. A deaf person who’s always lived on a deserted island would probably be able to recognise Help so Katie clearly fucked around the song something rotten if I couldn’t. Oh and she’s cut her hair off and dyed it brown. She looks like a lesbian and is dressed like a doll. Her voice quivers and sounds very thin. I much preferred her Christina coos. She gets better when she yells. I guess that makes her the Anti-Mary. Which is better than being the Antichrist as so many bloggers have made her out to be.
Dannii calls her out on her constant ‘I’m showing the real me’ talk while being a total actress and changing her style every week. Dannii also tells her to act, rather than sing. Ha! I wish Dannii could tell every irritating, wannabe quirky person this sort of advice. I’ll buy her a coke if she could do that the people in my local studenty bars! They'd become so much quieter!

Thex Factor - Elton John Week - 'And it's getting more and more absurd'

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is Elton John week
And for the second time, it’s with guest performers who aren’t Elton john.
And for the second time, they stick Gary Barlow into proceedings because he’s fat and plays piano too. I don’t know why they insist on an Elton theme when he hates the show so.

2. It was sort of boyband week too
As not one, not two but three boybands with strong links to this show came on to perform. Why not just have a boyband theme, Simon? Or would it have shown your One Direction fellows up? JLS sang a turgid song adequately. Westlife sang an anonymous song slightly better and, after all the hoopla, Take That’s fine performance was a little soiled by Robbie’s nerves and staring eyes that were Grimshaw-levels of crazy.

On with the rankings, this time with childish nicknames...

1. MATT – Matt Curdle
This week’s VT promises vocal gymnastics. I like when VTs state the obvious. They become like comforting uncles or that voice on the train that tells you your station is coming.
Matt’s singing about the Yellow Brice Road, which despite the Wizard of Oz reference is one of Elton’s less gay numbers. He looks like he’s crying – or has conjunctivitis. His eyes are very glassy and red. Maybe he’s still crying from remembrance days? That minute can drag if you have pain in your heart!
He sounds amazing. I may buy this single off the old iTunes. Or do some sort of clever YouTube conversion – either way, I want to listen again.
All the judges think it was great too. I imagine they will download the song illegally – or get a PA to do it. Despite their praise, they wouldn’t pay for it.

2. ONE DIRECTION – 4 Weddings and a Funeral
In their VT, like all the acts, they go to a Harry Potter premiere and meet star Daniel Radcliffe. One Direction all really fancy Hermione. What laddishness! Don’t they know there’s supposed to be a gay one? Daniel Radcliffe does not fancy Hermione and presumably knows her real name. There’s little else to note about this VT – other than the fact that the band want to be seen as singers. And not just the ugly one who doesn’t even have looks to fall back on.
They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight which is – on a technicality - the bestselling single of all time. They are slick and in tune, though Harry’s strange convulsions are a little distracting. If you’re not pulling ridiculous Ruth Lorenzo notes out of yourself, you shouldn’t spasm like that.
Louis says they’re going in one direction – all the way to the final. He is quite the wordsmith. Dannii says they are scarily consistent. It’s true they haven’t had a shocker yet but I wouldn’t say they’re as reliable as Matt or even Cher. Simon says they’ll win and the guys look surprised. I hope I don’t see these happy, surprised faces at the end of the finale. Matt Curdle FTW!

3. CHER – The gypsy, the tramp, the thief
In her VT, Cher says she was disappointed Cowell didn’t love her Jay-z knockoff and now thinks she’s out of the running. Cheryl tells her it’s fine – and doubtless explained backstage that an act belonging to the nation’s sweetheart wins every year. In other news Cher doesn’t want to work in a shop. Think of the discounts though Cher! We hear she’s going to exposed and on her own on stage and I briefly look forward to an a capella moment such as Ben Mills’ Queen cover or Danyl singing George Michael with just a metronome.
Turns out we don’t get a moment. She’s just lacking in naff dancers. That’s not being exposed – that’s just not using Wagner’s tactics. She sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word but with a weird RnB backing. Its just like Blue’s cover. Only it becomes a strange, half-assed bootleg as she shoves in some ‘dope rhymes’ from one of Eminem’s worst songs. Tell a lie, a half assed bootleg sounds exactly like Wagner’s tactics. I like Cher a lot but I wish she’d stop this.
The judges love it and it sounds a little bit like Louis calls the famous white rapper M&Ms. Ha!

4. KATIE – Katie Weasel
She says going to Harry Pott premiere was magical. Sigh. Somehow being more articulate makes her more of a dick than the idiots she’s competing against. She confuses me so! There are about ten references in her VT to fighting and being a fighter. I wonder what song she’ll do.
She does Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. Subtle this one. It is painful and thin from the first note. Once again she’s dressed as Madonna, when she was seeking Susan. Or being Susan – I haven’t seen the film.
Louis says he saved her and now regrets this. Ha! He also said the song choice was shit. Cheryl gets all bathroom attacker and screams ‘what song would you have given her?’ while banging her fists. This was wonderful. Simon loved it for whatever reason and Dannii admires her for how she copes with being so clearly and universally hated.
Now being shit doesn’t usually earn a fourth place on the meritocracy that is my rank. But a series of wonderful things happened Sunday that she must be rewarded for. She of course ended up in the bottom two and sang a Christina album track. House point, Weasel. She then sang it in tuneful coos and sighs and shakes and shimmies. The camera panned away and up into the sky and there was a stillness in the air. It was the exact opposite of her Jungle Book cabaret but somehow just as wonderful. House point, Weasel. Also she somehow got more votes than the Grimshaw Slasher and he was kicked off. She so should go to achievement assembly for that one.

5. AIDEN – Buffalo Bill
In his VT, we learn that Cheryl thinks he’s less crazy and he’s happy. Because now he’ll be less of a suspect when the killings begin again…
He sings far better than usual. It’s a fair standard cover of Rocket Man and he sang real notes. I was busy filing so I can’t comment on his crazy faces because it wasn’t watching. If you don’t watch he’s ok and doesn’t give off his Ed Gein vibes.
He looked less angry and less like a petulant child when it was done too.
Louis thought he changed the melody too much whereas the others were full of praise.
I think it was his best. His Crowded House cover the next day was shockingly bad though. Almost as bad as his Jealous Guy. He hopped around the stage like a loon or a Monty Python sketch and butchered the song. He had a total stinkface throughout and at one point stuck his necklace in his mouth and sucked on it. What a baby. Though it was a change for him to suck on something rather than just suck at things.


6. REBECCA - Taxidermy
She finally gets to sing last. This was a long time coming for such a frontrunner. In her moody windtunnel shots, she looks a fright. In her VT, we see her squeaking her way through the climax of a Bob Dylan song. She sang most of the song well – I have no idea why they chose to show her making such odd noises. She then tell us she felt like she was gatecrashing the Harry Potter premiere, rather than part of some clever cross-promotion ploy
She sings Candle In The Wind, which is what I thought she’d get. She’s singing about Marilyn, not Diana by the way. Presumably because Cheryl is now Queen of our Hearts and the ITV crowd have completely forgotten about that posh bird. It’s very boring and she stands in the exact same spot as she does most weeks. Maybe she has OCD or a germ phobia or something because she seems glued to that point. She keeps her eyes mostly closed and we see endless close-ups of her enormous and heavily-painted eyelids. There’s not much to say about the vocals – it’s fine but I love Matt’s bells and whistles. Or Cher’s hip-hop Disney princess vibe.
Cheryl says she’s an inspiration to single mothers everywhere. Surely the pramfaces have more in common with Cheryl than tastefully boring Rebecca?

7. PAIJE – Lenny Henry
Paije is made to sing first again. The producers must have it in for him. Or maybe he was meant to be the shock elimination? Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe is a fan and not just because Paije was IN a Harry Potter film as an extra. Daniel pretends to know who the extras are. Simon gives him the seal of approval too but notes how ridiculous the lyrics are to his song choice. Well, it is Elton John week – that’s kind of hard to avoid.
He’s slightly out of time and his voice doesn’t quite fit the song. His ridiculous pink suit fits better but is torture for the eyes. He looks like a blancmange.
Simon says he can’t possibly win, which I think has always been true. Paije then sasses back in a mumbly way about versatility. The problem wasn’t that Paije was too versatile – the problem was that he was too shit this week. He really must pay attention.

8. WAGNER – Rudderless hippy
In his VT, he’s compared to Louis Walsh. Oh please, there’s only one Lewis Walse. Wagner makes me love him again though because he says he’s being given too many words to sing and will doubtless struggle. I like his ‘don’t blame me, I’m rubbish’ angle – it could keep him in the contest longer than Jedward or maybe even Chico managed.
He sounds better than Mary – and even when his eyes bulge he looks less weird than Aiden. He sings I’m Still Standing – which lyrically is going to goad all the booers
He goes straight after Cher and offers a similarly lame bootleg mash up sort of thing when it goes into Circle of Life. Those songs couldn’t be less linked. His accent really gets in the way of the song’s mawkish emotion too – particularly when he sings ‘bland of hope’ and ‘sepal of life.’
The judges give their usual critiques and the audience have the good manners not to boo much until the results show.

9. MARY - Jabba
Her VT is all about how miserable she was last week and how surreal it is that a tuneless sow like her is famous. Hard to believe Mary I agree.
Ha! She’s singing a song from The Lion King. She has a Pumbaa vibe about her but still can’t pull it off. She sounds dreadful and dressed all in black she looks like the Grim Reaper. Oh wait, he’s thin. She looks like the grim reaper and Santa’s daughter.
She yells throughout but in her defense the last note where she yells is more pleasant than the others.
The judges give pity praise and Simon calls her a pub singer.
Just to compare, Dannii stood up after all her acts tonight. Louis politely claps for Mary. Even he realises she’s the pits.

Thex Factor – American Anthems Week

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is American Anthems Week
And you’d think that would mean lots of hair rock. Poision and Journey and Lynyrd Skynyrd and the like. Sadly, none of the songs are from this album. And in fact, not all of the songs are American.

2. And neither are the special guests
Which bright spark decided to book Shayne Ward and Kylie Minogue for America week. They have quite strong accents that show they are not American. They don’t have even fans in America! Shayne’s song sounds a LOT like Joe McElderry’s: Tinny europop. The best thing about the whole business was the fact his VT was full of shirtless pictures and inflated record sales. He looks furious throughout, which isn’t helped by his shaved head. He nods at the end as if to say ‘yes, I was amazing.’ The audience scream as if they remember who he is. Kylie is better doing a weird song, she doesn’t pretend she’s singing live. She constantly moves the mic away from her face, as part of an elaborate routine, and the singing continues. Magic!

On with the rankings, this week with some positive reinforcement

1. MATT – I like that you sing well
We see a VT of his Bleeding Love cover last week, which was less bleeding love and more of a papercut. He says his performance was rubbish and that he didn’t expect or deserve to survive another week. I call bullshit – he must have realised he was better than Aiden at least. In fascinating news, his parents are really posh. This would explain why his accent is very suddenly and very cartoonishly Essex: it’s all a fake.
He’s redoing his Boot Camp performance, only this time it’s not a surprise. And this time it hasn’t followed Cher taking us to JERUSALURRRRRRRRRM! So it shouldn’t have been as good. And it hasn’t shouldn’t have made me well. And it shouldn’t have made me stop typing snarky notes and just listen. Only it is as good. So good that Cheryl cries and turns to tell Dannii ‘wow!’ So good that all 4 judges give the Standing O. So good that Matt and Dannii cry.
Louis likes him because, and I quote, ‘every week you come out and sing.’ Whereas the others do juggling acts? It’s only Wagner that doesn’t try to sing, Louis. Simon likes that he doesn’t whinge and acts like a man. Yet sings like a girl! He truly is the best of both sexes.

2. REBECCA – I like your pearls
Cheryl tells us we’ll see a glittery firework then the editors show an extended shot of Rebecca looking really angry. Ha! Rebecca then ruins the whole ‘I’m a wallflower with the confidence of a napkin’ thing she has going by telling us she’s a very experienced singer.
She’s singing Make You Feel My Love, which we’ve heard now four times this season. I don’t think her voice suits the song – it’s a little distracting and the song must be song very simply. She opens her eyes a few times though, which is a feat for her. The arrangement is lovely and she is accompanied onstage by real musicians with real instruments. There are some very weird high notes that she insists on repeating. Cheryl and Simon stand up. LW tells her she’s amazing and that she stands out and she nods. Not so humble, this one. Simon and Cheryl tell her the nation loves her and she is an ambassador for Britain. Dermot pisses on the parade telling her how shit she was in rehearsals and then calls her an idiot. I miss Kate Thornton so.

3. ONE DIRECTION – I like Harry. Like, like like him.
I wrote nothing about One Direction in my notes so this is from memory:
1. Liam looked too thin in the VT
2. They sang Kids in America quite well with very fun ‘na na na na’ bits. Just like a Kaiser Chiefs B-Side.
3. There was some contentious debate about the uncontentious fact that Kids in America is not by anyone American. I believe it was cheating but I can see why people would like it.

4. PAIJE – I like that your outfits have become less vulgar
We see a VT reminder of Dannii saying ‘the soul man is in the house’ and doing an obnoxious dance. This short clip just showed why people like Cheryl more. I’m not saying they should – I’m just saying I understand. DM warns us there’s a bootleg afoot. I suppose Cher wasn’t in the mood for a half-assed bootleg this week. Louis adds more dread to proceedings telling he wants to see ‘fun, soulfully, bubbly Paije.’ Louis clearly wants to him to live up to the steretotype of the jolly fatman. Oh the trials of being a fat popstar! How one is judged just for eating Liam’s body weight a day!
He’s singing I’m A Believer first – a song I absolutely hate. He dances very well for a man of his heft and it doesn’t interfere with the vocals. He’s dressed pretty well this week too – a nice grey suit and a big yellow jumper. It goes into Hey Ya, which is pretty cool. If only he’d just done that song. He sounds pretty cool when he rips into it.
The judges like it a lot more than me. Louis compares him to Lenny Henry because he smiles and is black. Simon likes the Austin Powers vibe and thinks it was the best yet. It was groovy, baby in parts but he’s sung much, much better in the past few weeks.

5. KATIE – I like seeing a posh person on this show
We see a VT of her tunelessly screaming her survival song then having a tantrum backstage and sobbing ‘I hate this.’ Way to win fans, Weasel! She tells us she’s not feeling down about being hated and clearly doomed to fail as ‘nothing’s ever easy that’s worth having.’ That’s almost a Cheryl Cole lyric.
She’s singing Don’t Speak , which is a fab and at first I love the strange, violin-led arrangement. Her baby wail whisper suits the song. On the big screen behind there is a video of her crying while wearing a wedding dress and we see Simon hold back some sniggers. Her vocal limitations become, well, quite limiting when the second half of the song requires her to sing and not just coo.
Louis wants us to judge her on her singing, not her whorish ways. Dannii thinks it was contrived and Simon thinks she sung poorly. Katie talks back that emotion means more being able to sing. I think that’s we why she ended up in the bottom two.
Once she learns how much she’s hated, she sings a soul track. It’s more Etta James, we assume. I don’t know the song. There’s lot of Duffy-style vowel-splitting. The chorus is her saying ‘please don’t give up on me,’ which is subtle as the judges can deal with. The highlight comes when she yells ‘You know what, sod it’ and sits down. The way she probably does in supermarkets when Grandmama won’t buy her a Galaxy.
She survives the vote under vaguely-controversial circumstances when Cheryl refuses to vote, then asks Dermot to ask her last, then forfeits her vote. Well it would be more controversial if anyone gave a shit about Treyc.

6. CHER – I’ve liked most of your Jerusalerrrm-free performances
In her VT, she tells us she doesn’t want to come fifth or sixth. She wants to win. She needs to up her game because I’ve put her sixth on a patchy night. We see a terrifying montage of her past performances and all the scary face she’s pulled.
She sings Empire State of Mind and it’s fine. And as always she has the big production – with skateboarders – which is also fine but it’s all a bit flat. We know she can sing. We know she can spit the rhymes of others so there’s nothing new here. There’s not even a tacky, ill-conceived bootleg! It’s just a song on in the background while someone’s telling you about how late the trains are.
Only Simon says that he’s bored while the others gush. Between Simon’s criticism, being on first and the pointlessness of it all, she should’ve been at risk. She’s obviously got fans.

7. WAGNER – I like your speaking voice
Louis keeps mispronouncing his name and smiling about it. It’s really rude.
Wagner thinks so too and tells us so in his VT. Wagner also thinks he is beloved. I’m not sure if it’s a language barrier or a very useful coping mechanism but he has no idea how unpopular he is.
He starts off singing Viva Las Vegas. And he’s singing it very slowly, almost as if he’s trying to explain the lyrics rather than sing them. The runs near the end aren’t that bad. I wonder if he’ll have a week of actually singing (just like Same Difference, Jedward or Idol’s Sanjaya or Tim Urban) and get lots of praise. It goes without saying that he’s performing a montage – half of the performance is The Wonder of You and it’s not sung too terribly. There’s a fun dance routine with a fake wedding. I enjoyed this performance and I thought he sang better than all those below. I’m not joining a facebook campaign or anything but I’m glad he stayed this week.
DM Theres a church in Vegas that wants you to sing at it. DM wedding singer CC church singer SC liked it but hates himself for it
Wagner ‘if I sometimes sung out of time or out of tune, Im only human’ Ha! I like this motto. Mary is clearly not human so she cant even make that argument

8. TREYC – I like you’ve been kicked off
In her VT she says she’s ready to fight. That would explain why she always sounds so pained and violent. Treyc is sure the audience will love her performance. Way to be humble, Cohen. And way to show a complete lack of awareness. I think this is Treyc’s main problem. She must finish every screechy, dated performance thinking ‘that went really well’ and then not to try sing better next time, or at least sound like a cavewoman being raped. Dannii has a bit more nouse and thinks Treyc is boring. Treyc doesn’t care about having a niche or any marketability: she just wants the judges to tell her she can sing.
She wears a Disney princess wedding dress and sings Aerosmith. The first half is fine but towards the end she – you guessed it – starts shrieking and screaming in an unpleasant way.
Dannii and Simon repeat their comments from last week. There is no need for me to retype them.
Treyc ends up in the bottom two because the public clearly care about niches and marketability and care little for angry caterwauling. Cheryl gives her squinty, thoughtful deathstare before she sings. The look that usually only bathroom attendants see. She butchers Toni Braxton with little sobby notes. It is greatly inferior to the original or of Alexandra’s cover. It is strained and pointless. Her montage is painful – six botched powernotes in a row, no reason to feel anything but relief.

9. AIDEN – I like the songs you sing, when someone else sings them
Aiden tells us about how he is intense but then most eighteen years sit around and he misses his sister. Now that last garbled sentence isn’t me writing badly: what he said makes just as little sense as that. I am but a messenger! There’s then some debate about how intense he is. Louis and Danii say he is what he is, whereas Cheryl would rather he was versatile and less serial killer like. I must side with Cheryl on this one. If he was the great performer Dannii makes him about to be, he could try one week being less affected and batshit crazy.
He takes out his poorly repressed anger on Nothing Compares 2 U. Seriously, he cuts it up with a chainsaw and then makes a coat out of its skin. Somewhere Sinead O’Connor is trying to put the lotion in the basket. He tunelessly wails out of the corner of his mouth. There is a whole load of pyrotechnics onstage – perhaps to make the whole thing less boring and awful – but I would rather jump into one of the stage fires than be left alone with Aiden. Or listen to that again. He smiles throughout and after, which shows some improvement in his mental health.
Louis thinks he’s consistent and doesn’t mind that it’s the same basic performance every week. Cheryl can’t fault his singing. Or doesn’t want to. You could easily fault it. Preferably with serial killer references!

10. MARY – I like the supermarket you work at
In her VT, she kind of acknowledges how it’s surprising that people like her when she’s so monstrously fat. Oh and she tells us she was a pub singer. Never, Mary! I don’t believe it. You sound so contemporary! She tells us she’s doing a song that’s very modern and not a belter
Turns out she’s singing Faith Hill which is definitely not modern and definitely a belter. She sounds horrendous. She’s flat and hoarse and then yells. At points she sounds and looks like she’s about to cry. That only works as a strategy when you’re cute. Or, like Cher, are singing the song well
Dannii thinks it was iffy and Cheryl gives the pity praise ‘hope you’re here next week.’ Mary looks effing furious. Dermot calls her on her stinkface and she says she misses her daughter. I doubt daughter misses her. At least she only has to hear mum sing once a week now.

Thex Factor – Halloween Week – ‘They did the Monster Mash’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Halloween week
This meant lots of silly costumes, of which Mary’s will give me nightmares forever. It also means lots of sound effects and lots of songs that are only tenuously linked to the theme. Ever the wordsmith, Dannii promised us that ‘her boys have all the tricks.’ I would have preferred more treats.

2. It is also ‘not enough credit’ week
Dannii said Aiden is ‘not given enough credit’ for singing poorly and looking mental. Every other judge thought this was a good line and it was repeated a lot. So, Matt was not given enough credit for singing like a big girl. Belle Amie were not given enough credit for singing partly in tune. Wagner was not given enough credit for twatting around on stage looking confused. Not enough credit was given to any of them! The injustice of it all!

3. There are not very scary guest performers
We have Rihanna. We have Bon Jovi, who are no longer country. We have Jamiroquai, who is still cunty. Rihanna is in great voice, by which I mean she sounds less like she has a cold than usual. She looks fucking mental though, like Cyndia Lauper crossed with a prostitute stuck in Bedlam, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Jay Kay dances the best to a song that could be from 1997 or 1977. He is very drunk and tells Dermot he wasn’t sure about appearing on the show in the first place. Bon Jovi sounds great, even though they are forced to perform with the contestants. In rather hilarious news, Wagner is interviewed by Dermot straight after and his mic is turned off. Ha! A wise choice, producers.

On with the rankings, this week with tips for personal development....

1. CHER – Sing more, rap less and cry less
Cher’s VT really sets the scene for how good her performance will be.
The judges tell us how much they like her and how she’s going to prove she can sing and not just rap. Her VT is also super-full of all the wonderful posing she does and the bizarre hair she often has. It’s like a Top Model montage, for an eliminee mind you, not for the winner. Simon is the only doomsayer: he thinks this singing lark is a risk and she may learn that risks don’t pay off.
She looks like she’s at a funeral, possibly her own. There’s only one hiccup (possibly due to her ever-impending tears) but otherwise it’s a wonderful vocal, full of Vickersian squeals and Burkian growling. The synthetic quality of her voice almost goes too: she only sounds like a Girls Aloud member once or twice. She then starts crying but doesn’t stop singing. Ace! That’s a pro! The only flaw isn’t her fault: the arrangement tries to cram too much of the song into two minutes.
Cher weeps and the judges give her a tongue bath. Dannii loves the vulnerability and Simon thinks it’s the best performance of the season. I wouldn’t go that far but she walked the night. Top marks, Cher.

2. PAIJE – Give your puddings to Liam
From his VT, we are reminded that Paije lacks star quality and needs to work on this. Useless choreographer Brian Friedman rightly thinks it is terrible advice to force star quality as you end up looking like a tool. There are also many references to how awfully he dresses. Paije sasses that one shouldn’t take fashion advice from Simon Cowell. That’s fair Paije, but then why not dress a bit better so that the judge people listen to doesn’t talk about how awfully you dress? Doesn’t that sound wise?
Onstage, Paije seems to have a much better strategy. He slays an Amy Winehouse ‘joint’ and dresses exactly like the evil boxing manager from The Simpsons. I write in my notes ‘he sings the hell out of it.’ He sounds nasal but in a fabulous, unToploadery way. It’s all quite scary and Halloweeny, like he’s an evil being doing runs and whistles that excite and dazzle.
Louis likes that he’s come alive, which is ironic when he kind of sounded undead. Simon calls him a big diva and for once doesn’t mean ‘I think you’re gay by this.’ Paije is becoming a real dark horse – he is the new John Adeleye, except without the frequent disappointment.

3. REBECCA – Go acoustic next week, please
On her VT, her speaking voice has gone crazy. It’s dropped an octave and gone the depth of a Brookside hunk. It makes me want to buy another Philip Olivier calendar, full of lurid pictures. Rebecca’s rehearsals seem to go really well – to the point that the only criticism they VT drama they can come up with is how much she wants ‘it.’
She sings Wicked Game, which has shit all to do with Halloween. I think they’ve got confused with Wicked, the musical. She’s doing it as a Toni Braxton ballad, complete with snare drums. Her eyes stay closed for much of it but she doesn’t look half as batshit at Aiden. She’s also dressed as Boy George, who is terrifying in his way so at least she’s keeping to the theme in one sense.
Louis tells Rebecca and the audience that if she won it would legitimise the contest. Ha! She will undo the harm done by the dregs last year. Dannii wants to listen to her on repeat and Simon thinks she’s a repeat of Leona. But in a good way.

4. MATT – Sing a song by a man, you Jessie
His VT begins with him having fans and singing well. This is how winners’ VTs begin. Apart from Leon’s of course. We learn this week he’s covering Leona and ‘a song you just don’t touch.’ Simon has doubts he’ll be able to pull it off. About two minutes before he’ll say it was amazing.
Again, he sounds bad indie nasal on the verses. It’s a little wimpy, even though it’s brave to make a graven image of Leona in her holy temple. There is the constant threat he’ll start botching the notes because he looks so uncomfortable. There are two verses of it being fine then a climax of him wailing a few times. He even comes up with new ways to shriek and wail during a song that came with enough of that already.
Louis isn’t loving it as much this week. Simon likes the originality and the giving of 110%, which is Matt’s first pity praise of the season. Dannii takes the opportunity to praise Matt rightly and point out that it’s good not to be directionless and desperate. More on that point when we get to Treyc.

5. AIDEN – Tell the police where you put the bodies, you’ll feel better
His VT tells us that he’s been given the most recognisable spooky song ever. I suppose they weren’t ever going to make the serial killer be subtle on Halloween.
He’s ‘singing’ Thriller. Is it the Imogen Heap version? Does anyone know? It’s not the Michael Jackson arrangment and we can safely assume neither he nor Dannii have come up with something original. He’s wearing goth eye make up – not just a bit of trendy guyliner I hasten to add– he’s caked in it. He continues to whine and close his eyes and look into his camera as if he’s just done a really, really bad thing to the baby at number 17. He actually sounds pretty good and even though it’s terrifying and doesn’t quite work, it’s about a million times better than Mary.
The judges completely disagree with me. Cheryl thinks he’s a joyless goon and Simon thinks the performance was indulgent. This could have been said about him any week so I don’t know why they’ve waited until his best performance to say it. I can’t see Aiden making the top five anymore.

6. KATIE – If you have to try to be kooky, and have to tell people you are, then you’re not
Her VT is all about the judges enjoying her and her quirkiness. There is no mention of the endless tabloid stories about her sluttish ways. I guess after last’s week triumph the editors have changed their tactics.
Once gain she’s dressed like a wannabe Gaga. She has enormous grey eyelashes and a chess piece hat, like a Gaga VMA outfit gone Primark. She sings Bewitched over the world’s cheapest backing track. The lightness and cheesiness of the vocal doesn’t suit the terrifying witch styling at all. Her vocal this week is a bit simpering too – it’s nowhere near as fun as last week. It’s also not fun or dare I say kooky. It’s just a wimpy cover of an irrelevant, plodding song.
Dannii hates the make up but other than that the judges think it was good as last week. I’m not sure they understood why last week was good then. Simon says she reminds him of Gwen Stefani. Apparently Katie and Gwen are part of a new generation of ‘fun’ popstar. Oh please Simon. Katie is not a member of Gwen’s generation, even with Katie’s grinny chin confusing matters. Gwen is old enough to be Katie’s mother. Gwen is fun though, like an Aunt who makes honey and has an undiagnosed personality disorder.
Katie is in the bottom two because boring performances win as few fans as those tabloid articles about how big a skank you are. Before her singoff, Katie sleepwalks onto stage with a very practised sad face. She’s singing her second Etta James song this month, third total. She wails and hiccups like a baby. It’s not very pleasant but I admire her for trying to sing her way back into the running. She looks desperate to cry for most of it and then does so for real once it’s over. Better than Belle Amie but not good enough in the real world.

7. ONE DIRECTION – Attractive ones, have sex with each other. Liam, finish your dinners.
In their VT, they whinge about Louis’s comments last week that they’re getting all Simon’s attention. They don’t feel sorry for the ignored Belle Amie girls, mind you They’re just annoyed they might be coming off badly.
They’re singing Total Eclipse of the Heart and, in some shameless fanbase cross-pollination, they’re dressed as vampires. They’re all wearing red eye liner that makes it look like they have conjunctivitis. Or, in Liam’s case, like he’s been making himself sick again. They’re doing a strange half dance remix of the song, which just makes it sound a little like Viva La Vida. (JERUSALURRRM!) It is a little weak. For two weeks in a row, not enough excitement, too much Liam solo.
Cheryl says they’ve got a long way to go. Ha! I think she means they’ll go a long way. Simon praises their work ethic and Liam looks emaciated. Business as usual then.

8. BELLE AMIE – Don’t pursue this as a career. Get a job.
We see a VT of them smiling, laughing and cuddling. As if they actually get on. In said VT, they also promise us they are going to have fun. I suppose that is all girls just wanna have.
Onstage, they walk out of graves and then begin to do bad things to Bananarama’s venus. Not as bad as the things Aidan’s cat told him to do to the neighbours but not good. One of the girls is very off and very loud. It does improve however but there isn’t much too exciting about it. I’m not asking for runs and falsetto but some passion or quirks or prowess would have been welcome.
Dannii says she didn’t love the vocals and one of the girls give her a devil’s stare. Cheryl isn’t excited either and Simon implies they are catty, woman-hating bitches. This may be true but Belle Amie are the pits so I side with the lady judges on this one.
They land in the bottom two to the surprise of no one and choose to sing Breakaway. It’s a song that sounds weak even when Kelly Clarkson sings it but they easily make it much worse. The chorus is fine because they belt so loudly that they drown one another’s flaws out. Anything requiring subtlety is botched royally. They are eliminated and I shan’t miss them.

9. TREYC – Drop the ‘tude
Her VT recaps her trip to the bottom two. Apparently this trip was because she performed an old song and nothing to do with how wonkily she sang it. She also had a ‘panic attack’ after the sing off. This must have lasted about ten seconds because it didn’t interrupt the live show in any way. Or, it must be completely made up.
On stage she hollers her way through Relight My Fire, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. After weeks of being a poor-man’s Maria Lawson, this week she’s moved onto being a poor-man’s Alexandra Burke. The tranny styling and dancing and covering a song Alexandra nailed doesn’t help at all. Neither does the fact she’s a shrill, indistinguishable singer.
Dannii says she could sing anyone off the stage. Well, I’d run off the stage if she started singing so I guess that’s true. Simon says he can’t fault the vocal, possibly because he wasn’t really listening. Both Dannii and Simon think she’s a jack of all trades (flicking randomly and desperately from disco to rock to pop) and master of none. Simon also thinks she’s not being mentored and is just a singing monkey, rather than a future artist. Treyc then sasses Dannii because a) she’s a twat and b) she wouldn’t dare sass Simon, even though he said worse. It’s rare and unhealthy but I can’t wait to see her be eliminated: she will be indignant and completely unaware that she’s an iffy singer with zero relevance.

10. MARY – Fuck right off
As it’s Halloween, we see in her VT a truly terrifying monster singing last week. When she lifts her head and shouts, she looks exactly like a pasty Princess Fiona.
We rewatch the judges feedback that she’s old and boring. She says this was fair and she’ll take it on board. By singing Barry Manilow, which is not modern or interesting. And, also, not really scary.
She wears devil horns on stage and she looks like she’s on the world’s ugliest hen night. She bellows while gay dancers are behind her in cages. She’s actually screaming – when she emphatically yells ‘Now!’ she sounds like a teacher who’s about to throw a board rubber. Or possibly shoot the child.
Dannii says it was incredible and the audience chant her name as if something different just happened. I don’t know what I’m missing. Even Simon loved it. Cheryl is the only one to question the song choice. Mary stands looking smug and then explains to Dermot how good she was as her bingo wings jiggle. Yuk.

11. WAGNER – Return the call when the ITV2 Reality Department get in touch
In his VT, Wagner says that the British public like him. Oh if he only had a brain. Apparently he’s showing off her operatic voice tonight and will show us all he can sing. Simon isn’t worried.
I thought it was going to be a total cop out and he’d do some Phantom – but in fact he tries to sing O Fortuna. But it quickly a different sort of cop out when it, of course, becomes a medley. With Bat Out of Hell. He’s always about a line behind the backing singers. You can hear the guidance track throughout, even though Wagner is shouting. I love how his whole body vibrates when he sings. He’s dressed a toreador with blood dripping out of one eye. His slutty dancers do not rub or flash their tits this week but instead form a daisy chain. That’s PG for them
Dannii likes the costumes and ‘wasn’t expecting’ the performance. She quotes Kath & Kim and no one understands. Cheryl says it was out of time. Simon just says ‘what the hell was that’ which is a just bit rude. Leave the snark to Thexy, Simon. You’re too good for it.

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasure Week - 'I'm not that innocent'

1. It is guilty pleasures week
For our benefit, Dermot defines the term and says they’ll be singing a song they secretly love. Except I doubt they do love their songs. I doubt all of them had even heard their songs before. This would work as a theme if the contestants picked the songs themselves and therefore might have some sort of response to them.

2. Week 3 is an important one
And it’s usually Big Bang week on week 3. The fact that it’s not makes it even weirder that the Buble is a guest singer. (He is awesome, as always.) Anyway, week three as Simon rightly notes a few times is also the week that the winners sometimes emerge. It was the first time Leon won praise. It was the first week Alexandra tranned around. It was the week Leona squealed her way ‘Summertime’ and it was the week Danyl was in the bottom two and the frightful worries he might win were wonderfully destroyed.
Dannii promises this week will be ‘all guns blazing’ and that Aiden, Matt and Paije will triumph. I think the last thing Dannii should do is refer to Aiden and weapons in the same sentences. It’ll only give his serial killer persona more weight

3. Cheryl also performed
It is debatable whether she was singing live. It is not worth debating that the quality of the singing was quite weak. The song itself has a bit more to it than Fight For This Love but the big notes are a horrorshow. She also looks nervous as all hell. She makes Aiden look more relaxed by comparison. But even she cannot make Aiden look less like he’s just drowned his sister. “I thought she was a mermaid, Mummy! Honestly I did!”

On with the rankings, this week with animal comparisons…

1. KATIE – A sex kitten
Katie got the Pimp Spot this week. I wrote in my notes ‘saving the twattiest for last’ but it turns out the producers were just saving the best for last. They didn’t have half make it look like she’d be crap though. First there was the VT of last week’s horrid white girl soul: we saw her whining ‘baby baby baby’ while sounding like a mix of a budget Duffy and a premature born baby, baby, baby. There’s then the threat that she’s going to show she’s fun and Simon warning us her song choice is shit.
She’s doing The Jungle Book dressed as an Indie nightwear model. And I love it. I love the gay cabana dancers. I love her tottering around in her heels. I love the hair. Plus, like Cher tonight, she seems to have a perfect pop voice. She could be in a Disney film. Conceptually, this Swing cover is The Baseballs meets Puppini Sisters meets Paul Anka’s rock cover album. Visually, it’s Bette Page meets early Madonna meets porno set on a cruise ship. Aurally, it’s DisneyMania meets Paloma Faith if she had restraint meets Marilyn Monroe after a pack of cigs. It’s a wonderful mix of wonderful things and I have only good things to say about it.
The judges love it too and admire Katie for being a trooper and not caring or realising that everyone hates her. Three cheers for poor social awareness!

2. MATT – A grizzly bear
On his VTs, Matt’s voice is going more and more Essex. And deeper. Maybe he’s trying to make clear he’s straighter than Aiden, or at least less likely to dress up as his Mother and kill hotel guests. He says his song is the ‘definition of guilty pleasure.’ I hope it’s All I Wanna Do. Oh and he’s doing a cover with an acoustic guitar. Someone wants to be on Live Lounge. I know I keep knocking Live Lounge but sometimes it produces excellent, massive number ones.
He’s doing Baby One More Time – the Travis version! To begin, I greatly enjoy the bedroom eyes but it's not his best. I think its his phrasing that’s a little off here and he gets very nasal, in an unpleasant Toploader-ian way. That being said, some of the little quirks and interpretations are excellent. The arrangement really builds towards the end and sounds much better if you listen to it, after the fact.
Louis Walsh thinks the risk of covering Travis paid off. Cheryl Cole unwisely believes that the audience squealing is sensible feedback. Treating that as feedback is the reason Cheryl still has not learned how to sing. She needs a PDR meeting, stat!

3. REBECCA – A snake, only without the connotations of evil
Her VT this week is distracting because she actually looks pretty. She doesn’t cry or wear tranny make up. Hurrah! All I can remember is her telling us that her song needs personality. I wrote in my notes ‘In that case, I’m not sure it’s a good choice for Rebecca.’
Then I had to take it back. The song choice is awesome. She’s doing Jessica Rabbit! Fab! She’s even wearing a red dress and a red wig. If she’d worn nice pearls I would have had to vote for her. Her dress is fairly ridiculous though – it has an enormous poof on one side that makes it look like she has a conjoined twin on her hip. Cheryl should be banned from dressing her acts until she learns how to dress herself.
Cheryl and possibly Simon give her a standing o. Louis thinks Rebecca could sell records and Dannii says she’d be one of the people who buys it. What is up with the contestants singing Disney songs and exceeding all expectations? I would never had bet on those two girls being in my top three.

4. CHER – A stick insect
On her VT, we revisit Cher covering Hard Knock Life and looking like a manga happy-slapper. Cher seethes about Dannii’s fair and lukewarm criticism and wants to do more. Cher’s doing another big dance routine and Dannii worries she’ll fade into the background. She wants to see her do something simple. Learn from your sister Dannii, simple draws attention to your vocal shortcomings. Do a big routine and get your arse out Cher Lloyd, that’s how pop works!
She’s doing Blackstreet’s No Diggity. How is No Diggity a guilty pleasure? It’s a great song. Oh wait, it’s a medley with Tears for Fears’s Shout. Or James Corden’s Shout, depending on how old you are. Cher’s guilty pleasure is clearly half-assed but enjoyable bootlegs as this is two in a row. The rapping is quite good and the singing is fine in an ‘if Britney could sing live’ way. She sings a bit like an anime character too – it’s very synthetic – but sounds much weaker than the two girls who MEANT to become cartoons for a week. She continues to stomp and snarl as is de rigeur.
Louis loves the mash up and the dance routine, which I have to admit was pretty cool. Dannii is a fan this week and praises the staging and the vocals. Simon thinks it was like watching a Sunday night performance by a real act. Oh and that she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder. Happy news!

5. PAIJE – A hippo
Paije grins constantly during his VT even though his Gran’s just died and, because he’s boring and on first, he must have known he was likely to go home. In his VT we see him going shopping and loving the attention of teenage girls. The trials of being a fat popstar were clearly a 24-hour issue as there’s no mention of them this week. He tells us he loves this song this week – there are no dancers and he’s just showing off his voice. Wasn’t this the plan first week? I’m not sure that worked out.
He’s doing Richard X. Or Chaka Khan? Either way, that’s really not embarrassing. This was such a cop out. Plus, he’s singing it really well with pleasant wailing straight off the bat followed by a great deal of pleasant growling. The only ‘guilty’ part of the pleasure is that he’s doing some silly ballad arrangement of it. It’s like a Live Lounge cover that doesn’t quite work. So, like most Live Lounge covers then. Plus, he’s not Chaka. Oh and he’s wearing a dreadful, luminous red suit. Plus, again, 90s pop rapper jewellery and 90s pop rapper hair. He looks like Flavor Flav with fewer STDs and much more weight.
Louis loves the new arrangement and all the bells & whistles. He condoles Paije for his ‘very difficult personal week’ and Paije carries on grinning, even though tears win votes. Cheryl thought it was ‘the most confidence performance,’ even though we assume she was taught some grammar at school. Simon rightly hates the outfit, is indifferent to the performance but loves the ridiculous runs.

6. TREYC – A sourpuss
We are forced to rewatch her screaming tunelessly Purple Rain. The judges pretend she has a good voice and that all she needs to do is be a good performer as well. She seems to believe this lie too.
She’s doing Whole Lotta Love – it’s not the awkward, reviled Mary J Blige version but a more straightforward cover. So, not a guilty pleasure. She’s wearing a dress with pom poms for shoulders, which someone should feel guilty about. Before seeking new employment. For much of it, her voice has never sounded better but she’s lost among the gay dancers and the trannyness of her costume. The power note is a bit offkilter almost as if she wanted to abort. Then the pained shrill screaming comes in. Why won’t the judges tell her this sounds unpleasant? Oh wait, they think Mary Byrne is a good singer.
Louis likes the rock chick but Simon didn’t think she nailed the big notes. Finally. The public decide she’s a worse singer than Wagner and she ends up in the bottom two. It’s good to know that tuneless shrieking does not go unpunished. (Also, saying things like ‘I was great and the audience loved it’ when you walk offstage will not win friends and influence people either.) She covers Jennifer Hudson note for note and sounds just a little bit worse than Jennifer Hudson, note for note. Not terrible, but just worse. It’s a marked improvement on her other performances though: being a rentakit diva is clearly her wheelhouse.

7. AIDEN – A killer whale
In his VT, we are made to watch John Lennon’s second murder when Aiden took on Jealous Guy last week. His terrible vocals and then him pulling the faces of a teenage girl do nothing to make me dislike him less. He says he comes across a bit awkward then snickers awkwardly. He clearly has no intention of changing, does he? At least Leon pretended to be less of a misery! Simon thinks Aidan needs to go back to where he was week one. What, caterwauling and looking like a Tim Burton child killer? Oh yes, let’s go back to that.
He’s doing Shirley Bassey. I bet this was his choice. He’s staring at the floor but trying to look up and trying to smile. I think it’s his first time doing so. He looks just like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho – just before the credits roll and they pull the corpse’s car out of the muddy lake. Or Hannibal Lecter – just before he sniffs Clarice. It’s strange – and not unpleasant – hearing him sing in full voice, albeit affectedly, rather than just whining affectedly. On the power note, he looks like he’s been stabbed. Possibly by Cher. At other points, he curls up his lip like he’s Elvis after he’s eaten some off prawns. He sounds okay I guess – just as he does when you listen to his ‘Mad World’ cover - but he looks like a bell-end.
Cheryl Cole says Aidan was intense and that not everyone would ‘get it.’ As if some people don’t ‘get’ popstars who look psychotic. Aidan’s mentor – or is it social worker? Or parole officer? - claims it was Arctic Monkeys doing Shirley Bassey. I’m not sure they deserve the blame for any of this. I didn’t like this performance and, if I could, I would put Aidan on the naughty step for twenty minutes. Although when his last babysitter did that she suffered a terrible ‘accident’ so maybe it would be foolhardy. “I was going to sew her head back on, Mummy! Honestly I was!”

8. MARY – A regular whale
We see a VT of her weeping and forgetting her words. Again.
I feel it’s time for a recap on Mary. Can’t stop weeping. Can’t sing. Can’t remember her words. Can’t dance because of her t’robbing arthritis. Why is she popular again?
She sings more Shirley Bassey in her bizarre pub singer voice. Bellowing without feeling and pronouncing everything in a strange half-Americna, half-Irish accent. ‘Geeve’ is the most irritating example. The final power note is fine and very close to the Tom Jones original but, to use a Simon phrase, watching it was a bit like eating water. Boring and difficult.
Mary doesn’t weep or look happy when they cheer, probably because she’s come to expect it. She won’t be so smug now Louis has been on Xtra Factor saying Matt will win and Mary should be glad to make the final. Dannii wants to hear some current songs and Simon – for once – agrees with her and backs her up. And kind of completely goes back on his advice last week when he said she should do the same reheated shit every week. Simon is no consistent male role model for all the fatherless sons watching, is he?

9. ONE DIRECTION – A brood of chicks
In their VT, Liam looks more and like a cryptkeeper. Or with that side parting, Victoria Beckham. I know - same thing, same thing. Master Payne needs to eat something. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying it because I have a mother’s worries for him.
There’s then some backstage drama when Simon admits the song he picked didn’t work – and they need to do a new song. Simon completely goes against the whole nature of the X Factor VT saying they’ll be fine. Or, to quote, ‘no drama, no will they won’t they – they’ll just do it.’ Well, we knew this Simon. The same way we knew Matt would hit that High C and that we knew Alexandra would sound awesome while dancing around like she’s in a homosexual dance club. Yet you inflicted VTs with contrived drama on us then!
Turns out Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. I guess she won’t be appearing on a results show any time soon. Or maybe it’s just a guilty pleasure because only gayboys like Pink? Or maybe it’s a guilty pleasure because they can tell it’s a really really bad song. In which case they shouldn’t be singing it. And I shouldn’t be made to listen to it. I have such qualms with this theme.
They sing without making too many errors but it’s not as rousing as their Coldplay cover. That’s a message to all you future X Factor contestants reading: if you want rousing, think Coldplay.
Louis says they’re five Justin Biebers. That’s not fair – Harry and Zain look nothing like lesbians. Liam might if he ate more. Dannii doesn’t think Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. Oh and Aint Nobody does? Shush Minogue. The other judges don’t say much else of note. More interesting is the news from The Xtra Factor that only the ugly one has a girlfriend. Good news, girls – Liam is still single. If you buy enough of his records, maybe he’ll let you be his feeder.

10. BELLE AMIE – A pack of dogs
We see a VT of them refusing to sing Simon’s song and choosing their own. Cheryl asks ‘if you pick your own song, what’s the point of having a mentor?’ Don’t pull at that thread, Cheryl. Your job depends on it.
The song they demanded to sing is I’ll Stand By You, as sung well by The Pretenders and less so by Girls Aloud and the Glee Cast. I don’t see it as a song to have any strong feelings about it but then I’m not in a ropey girl band. Their version is a little cacophonous. I only had one Kopparberg but I didn’t have the energy to write anything else in my notes. Let’s assume it was serviceable in a ‘better than Addictiv Ladiez’ way.
Louis snipes at Simon, saying they have no mentor. I don’t know why Louis cares so much about them – he can’t want to sleep with any of them. Dannii thinks they’re dressing better but the song choice is dull. She also very nicely says they’re not as good as the other acts. The girls look crushed, almost as if they understand that the bad singing is more important than the good Top Shop outfits. Simon asks why Louis is such a bitch. I can think of at least one reason but it’s libellous and Louis could probably afford to sue.

11. JOHN – A phoenix, only without the rising again
In his VT, we see John get mobbed while shopping and Mary grabbing his hand and asking for his help. It must be like being back at work in the Nursing home for him! We are promised we will see the ‘Fun side’ of John. This promise is not kept. Simon says nothing about him, possibly because he has nothing to say.
I don’t recognise this song at first. All I notice is he has his hair forced back with a band and a suit so ridiculous Paije might have worn if it was three sizes bigger.
Simon gives the backing dancers the stink eye. They flail around and the camera follows them rather than John. I still don’t know the song. He seems to be singing to Sue or about a Zoo. There’s some nice falsetto but it’s all in vain I think. I wrote in my notes ‘I can’t see people voting for this.’ And once again he looks like he's about to cry. He should have done – Paije would have been in the bottom two that way.
Dannii hates the distracting dancers. In fact, the whole panel praise the singing and criticise Louis for letting the dancers distract from it. Strange none of them criticise the cameramen for following the dancers and ignoring the talent.
John lands in the bottom two and decides to sing Kelly Clarkson. And not even good Kelly Clarkson. He forgets the words but keeps going. I write in my notes ‘Good on him.’ Then he forgets them again – and yelps – and I lose all sympathy. Even though the song’s only a few years old, the performance seems ancient. Gone are the glory days of his Billionaire cover. Gone is John from the show. Louis really fucked this one up, though he deserves some credit for choosing him in the first place.

12. WAGNER – A jungle cat
On his VT, Wagner is wonderful. I love how he pronounces Paparazzi correctly. I love his hair. I love him talking about angels and the beautiful ladies.
He sings Spice Up Your Life with Cuban showgirls. It doesn’t really work as a solo. The ‘Spice Up Your Life’ chant is performed by the world’s quietest backing group. Then he does more Ricky Martin and the backing group suddenly get loud. But not loud enough to drown him out. His faces gain a Aiden-esque intensity but he doesn’t seem like such a twat. It ends with the dancers flashing him. This was the natural step up from titrubbing, I guess.
Last year I ranked Jedward first most weeks and I don’t feel remotely bad about it. Everyone else was boring or shit. This year is different. Everyone else tonight has been at least okay – and some have been amazing –so I’m disinclined to like him as much. Katie brought enough crazy for everyone and Matt and Rebecca brought excellent vocals. Wagner loses out on both fronts and so has to be last.
Dannii calls him a guilty pleasure and praises his enunciation this week. Cheryl didn’t like it this week and Simon wants to know Wagner likes what he’s doing. Wagner is very tactful saying he’d like to sing arias but is happy to ham it up because of his Latin fire. I’d like to see him do an aria – in the bottom two next week.