Thexfactor Recap 2 - Just a jacknife

I enjoyed my hilarious recap last week very much but it was a little slapdash. I have not been giving it 110%. Now I will.
I took notes on Saturday so this recap will be better informed yet just as hilarious as the last, if not more.

These are the facts you need to know.

1. There are 4 judges
Louis Walsh is/was the mentor for 4 boys who are in a group. Louis Walsh has never married.
Simon Cowell is/was the mentor for 3 boys who are not in a group. Simon Cowell has never married.
Cheryl Cole looks after 3 girls who are not in a group. Cheryl Cole is married to a footballer.
Dannii Minogue looks over 3 people who are very old. Dannii Minogue is not currently married.


2. It was Big Band week.
This meant there was a big band on stage. The big band has 33 members, which was less than the 40 that had been touted online.
Perhaps seven were sacked because they gave 100%? This is still a very high amount but not high enough.
The contestants were not singing on top of a tinny backing track and performed better.

3. All the contestants have a single and sang it for the first time during the results show.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero and all 12 sing on the actual record.
Daniel and Ruth did not get to sing live with the others as apparently their door wouldn’t open.
I think they were miming because they don’t usually all sound that good. It was unclear which contestant had the most bits to sing and therefore which contestant ‘the man’ wants to win.
How much you want to like the song probably depends on how much you like (a) covers (b) Mariah Carey (c) the X Factor contestants.
I couldn’t help but wonder: why would Simon call Alexandra predictable last week for doing Mariah Carey when he knew he was going to make them all sing Mariah Carey the next week?

4. Next week is disco week.
I am not looking forward to this because last year’s disco week was not very good and because Will Young is the celebrity guest. Will Young has never released a disco single so he seems an odd choice. I think the producers played a very short game of word association that went:
Disco?
Gay
Will Young!


On with the rankings. Where will your favourite be?

1. LAURA – “Big Girl, you are beautiful”
Laura came off very well on her VT (the segment before they sing where everything is dramatic). She says ‘them doors’ instead of ‘those doors’ because she speaks in a regional dialect. Her parents ripped the piss out of her for being a shy, shy bitch with a tiny speaking voice. We saw lots of the contestants’ parents this week, to show that the contestants are nice people, and Laura’s parents were among my favourites.
She sang God Bless The Child and started off lying down on a furry rug. When she belted, she sounded better than when she didn’t but she always sounded good. It was (relatively) controlled and all the trills and whistles were at the right times and for the right lengths. She also wore a dress that didn’t make her look fat. In fact, she looked very good.
The judges told her: ‘You are Star Quality.’ Grammar aside, it’s hard to disagree. Her mentor who is not a racist cried. She was the first singer that night to be very good and the first of many to receive a standing ovation from the judges.
Runs, range and a nice dress. It’s not hard to be brilliant on this show. Well done Laura.

2. DIANA – “And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind”
Diana was worried on her VT because it was Big Band week and not Small Voice week and she didn’t think she would do well.
Princess Diana is clearly the best one here but she loses points for not wailing pleasantly as she did on Hallelujah and With or Without You.
She had the best set decoration as she got to sit on an enormous swing and actually got to play on the swing when singing wasn’t required. Laura’s furry rug suddenly seemed very cheap.
She sang Smile and it was lovely. I think she’s been told what people find annoying so that she becomes less like Marmite and more like a megaselling singer. Note: she flapped her hands around less and didn’t hiccup or hiccough constantly.
The judges loved it and Simon said she was special and did not mean this in a mean, primary-school insult way.

3. RUTH – “I didn’t know that you could dance like that”
Ruth reminded us all on her VT that she doesn’t want to sing in Spanish even though Simon told her to. Ruth reminds us that England is an English speaking country and she thinks it best to sing in English. Mama Lorenzo didn’t raise no fool!
We see Mama Lorenzo on the VT and she is small, cries and has to be subtitled because she speaks in Spanish. Which kind of proves Ruth and Dannii’s point that Ruth singing in a foreign language might be problematic.
Simon was having none of this and said on this VT, ‘You’re Spanish, be Spanish.’ He then compared Ruth’s singing in English to one fruit trying to be another type of fruit. Simon should work for the UN as he is sensitive and understands every nuance of the issues regarding nationality and because he is ALWAYS RIGHT.
Ruth sang Summertime in English very well. It was a bit vampy, and the twins were a bit too exposed and some of the power notes were a bit too powerful for a song written as a lullaby.
That said, it was heaps of fun, the twins were impressive and this show is about doing power notes well and she did. Anyway, she earns the crucial points for appearing to do a Carmen McRae arrangement and for being ace on all her VTs.
The judges loved it because they remembered Ruth can sing. Simon said it was wise to sing that song in English and he should know because he is always right.


4. AUSTIN – “He’s gotta be so macho”
Austin’s VT was the most hilarious. He was very upset last week because the judges didn’t like his cover of a cover of Billie Jean. Simon once again praised this cover of a cover of a cover for being ‘different.’ Austin wants to be a serious artist and says if he’s just going to do note-for-note covers (or covers of covers of covers) he should go on Stars in their Eyes and wear a costume!
Simon and Austin’s fool-proof way to show he is an artist was to get him to sing Mack the Knife as only true artists do rote covers of this. He sang well and bounced around which is certainly jaunty but quite inappropriate.
The song is about a jacknife, traces of red, red blood and bodies strewn on sidewalks, or pavements. It is not a song for bouncing around to. It is not The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers.
Anyway, the judges liked it regardless and then Dermot asked Austin’s dad what he thought and Austin’s dad said it was ‘alright.’ Mr. Drage was my favourite parent of the night by far.

5. RACHEL – “Fix up, look sharp”
Rachel was never going to be last this week if only because this week they gave her a haircut that didn’t make her look like a teenage girl who hurt herself today, to see if she still feels.
Rachel continues to come off as a twat on her VTs. Apparently she and Dannii do not work together very well. We hear this is the first time that Rachel let Dannii pick her song and then didn’t have a massive strop about it for the rest of the week.
This minor act of respect for her mentor made her sing better. Funny that.
It was growly in a good way and there were impressive runs and it showed that Rachel has some ability as a very affected soul singer. I say ‘some’ because she continues to sound like a foghorn at times and because she gets very flat at the oddest times.
For example, when she has to do anything punchy (it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day etc.) she resorts to shouting, and not even shouting pleasantly and in tune as Kelly Clarkson loves to do. She shouts as if someone’s just put gravy on her chips instead of curry or the driver won’t accept her bus pass. The fact that she always sings with a ‘what you looking at?’ stinkface doesn’t help this.
The judges loved it.

6. ALEXANDRA – “Like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife”
Alex cried on her VT because Laura and Diana are more interesting and the judges like them better. Though I praise her for being a reality TV contestant with some self-awareness I don’t exactly feel sorry for her. This is the worst sob story in the history of The X Factor. ‘My wife is dead’ and ‘My Mum has MS’ are legitimate problems. ‘The other singers are better than me’ is not.
Anyway, Alexandra has been told off previously for being predictable and singing Whitney and Mariah. So she is made to sing Candyman by Christina Aguilera. Because this is better?
Whitney, Mariah, Christina – there is no name that feels out of place on that list. It is a list of shouty women. Christina was not a madcap choice here.
For whatever reason, the judges did not find this predictable and praised her for singing a very difficult song well. I don’t get it on many levels. They praised her for being a great artist. She left happy and no longer aware of her increasing pointlessness.

7. EOGHAN – “I got no strings to hold me down”
From Eoghan’s VT we learned he can’t boil an egg.
His performance should in theory be no more interesting but it was. It was hilarious.
Eoghan did an uptempo song this week, L O V E, and his eyebrows went crazy as he tried to deliver a dynamic performance. He jumped around the stage with his arms stretched out like a crazed wolfman ready to attack. He also had enormous hair. I think they’ve given him extensions. What with the prancing and the big hair, he looked like a sexless Russell Brand.
He also had to do runs as producers have clearly told him that only Diana is allowed to sing with any subtlety.
The judges loved it because he usually sings ballads and he didn’t this time. He got a standing ovation from the judges just like Laura. In fact, only three acts didn’t get one for their big band songs. They’re my bottom three.

8. SCOTT – “That’s my goal”
We learned from Scott’s VT that the 9 to 5 lifestyle isn’t for him. And that his Mum is a nurse and his Dad is a taxi driver. There was no mention of Shayne Ward,or the pub they both drink in, which I think cost him votes. I would like to know what Shayne Ward drinks. Is it a spritzer laced with tears?
He performed That’s Life in tune but without making any changes to it. Plus, there were no runs and his voice sounded thin. He couldn’t really compete with the bigger singers and the more interesting singers as a result.
He sadly didn’t do the Westlife cover of this song that changes the lyrics to ‘That’s Life – Westlife!’ This would have made the performance more memorable at least.
The judges were unenthused and Scott looked like he’d cry and/or hit Louis. Hate crime!
When Scott realised he was in the bottom two, he shook his head a lot and looked ready for a rumble. ‘Did you spill Shayne Ward’s pint?’ etc.
Perhaps he hadn’t been told that the final showdown didn’t involve physical violence but instead involved singing slightly better than you rival?
In the bottom two, Scott sang I Can’t Make You Love Me and sounded the best he had so far in the competition but spoiled it when he did this sickly big smile at the end. It was the sort of fake smile you usually get from Miss Americas or air hostesses. It didn’t really sit with the stinkface he’d had for the rest of the evening.
Louis Walsh said he was going ‘through the motions’ and Scott was voted out proving the point that drinking at Shayne Ward’s pub does not necessarily lead to great performances and reality superstardom.


9. JLS – “A kick in the head”
JLS need your votes to pay for healthcare. Their VT tells us this. It doesn’t sit well with me but I won’t dwell on it or make jokes because there are real people and real illnesses underneath all this nonsense.
They danced around in a synchronised way and sang poorly as they’ve done on every live show. Simon pointed out that they can’t sing very well and the audience and other judges were shocked by this meanness.
They wore suits with different coloured linings. Dermot enjoyed their performance because he enjoys garish fashions. When Dermot asked why each member always wears the same colour and they gave a very dull response about how they each like a certain colour.
I would like them to leave.

10. DEADWIFE – “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”
I felt a bit bad last week for calling contestant Daniel Evans Deadwife because that’s not his name, that’s not his name, that’s not his name. I thought that the dozens of people reading this blog would think this was heartless and that I found dead wives innately hilarious.
But the thing is, every week there is some mention of Daniel’s dead wife. That is his story. It is a part of every VT. It is a part of his identity on this show. We’ve even been shown a picture of her. As a result, it doesn’t really matter how well or badly he sings. He’ll never be Daniel Evans, X Factor contesant. He’ll always be the one with the dead wife.
Case in point: he doesn’t mention her and sings The Lady is a Tramp. The male judges say he’s rubbish. He ends up in the bottom two.
He then dedicates his showdown song to his wife. He sings a dreadful song about memories, about someone still being there and being an inspiration and being his forever and watching him from above. The judges cry, even Louis who hates Daniel, and he gets to stay in the competition.
I would like him to leave.

In other news, my parents missed the results show. My Dad made a sick noise when he heard about Daniel’s performance. My Mum was deeply saddened to hear Scott had gone after a ‘very good’ performance.
When I called to say I wasn’t coming home on Monday, their response was ‘oh great.’ I will go to Shayne Ward’s pub and earn their love.

Recaplet

There will always be a recaplet before the full recap. In future, the recaplet will come at the weekend. The recap will come when I have had chance to reflect on the X Factor live shows in all their busy glory.

Saturday was Big Band week. There was a big band. There were men bouncing and clicking their fingers. There were women in slutty outfits. There was a charity single debuted. Louis Walsh cried.

More to come!

Sorry Is NOT the hardest word

I just said it. I am sorry. This blog will be tarted up soon with pictures and things.

MY VERY FIRST THEX FACTOR RECAP

I was going to start this in time for the first live show but I didn’t. Shame that.
I had the amazing idea for the Thex Factor blog last week. Seriously, you should have been there. I thought - Eureka! - no one on the Internet writes about Television shows. This will be my niche. Sites like Television Without Pity don't exist and anyone who says they do is very stupid.
But I dismissed my great idea as a bit lame. And then realised I still wanted to do it.
So.... my blog that recaps the X Factor is going to be even more of a recap this week because it’s recapping months of auditions, one live show before recapping another live show properly. This could become very listlike. Apologies.

So very quickly. These are the facts you need to know.....

1. Everyone I like is still in the competition.
This doesn’t require a lot of explanation. All the auditionees I liked are still in (Alex, Diana, more on them later). The best person at Judges’ Homes (Laura) is still in. The scally bluecoat man I fancy – who drinks at the same pub as Shayne Ward! – is still in. That man who may or may not be in contact with his family is gone.
There was a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were eliminated and a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were not eliminated. All judges present and correct. All good.

2. There are themes. There are celebrities singing.
One week the contestants did number ones. One week they did Michael Jackson songs.
One week Leon sang. He was nervous and bounced around by mistake. He did not get to #1. One week Girls Aloud sang. They did not appear nervous and bounced around on purpose because they were dancing. They may get to #1.
Sadly, neither Leon or the ones that aren’t Cheryl from Girls Aloud acted as guest mentors. And hence no celebrity was forced to pretend they liked listening to any of these ghastly people or liked listening to people who are better singers than they are now.

3. Bad Lashes went on week one.
They left before I had chance to think of a ‘hilarious’ nickname for them. Bad Singers? Bad People? There just wasn’t time.
I’d say they went too soon because both times they sang they did 90s ballads (that one from Pretty Woman, that one that’s ‘by Ryan Adams’ in that he covered it and it’s really by Oasis) and I quite like anyone who’s stuck in the 90s because I am too.

On with the Week 2 rankings....

1. AUSTIN was bullied at school.
I’m sure I read that. He also told the Daily Star that he is not a gay. I don’t want to call him Notagay because, well, libel suits upset me so I will call him Bulliedatschool or just Austin.
He was very good I thought. He did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. Except really he did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson re-arranged by Chris Cornell as sung by David Cook on American Idol earlier this year. So a cover of a cover of a cover. Such strict themes.
Anyway his mentor is Simon Cowell who is a mogul and svengali. He praised Austin for being ‘original.’ Again – it’s cover of a cover of a cover. I wouldn’t praise it for being original. I would praise it because he sung it very well.
He was a little timid, perhaps a little bored on week one.

2. RUTH is Spanish.
She is being told to sing in Spanish because there’s nothing ruder to people on The X Factor than when someone comes from overseas and has the very CHEEK to want to sing in her new home’s language, rather than in the language of the country she’s come from. Hand this woman a Life in the UK test – stat.
If I were any number of relatives that I have or people I went to Uni with, I’d say she should fuck off home. She’ll steal our jobs and our women. But I’m not them.
I think she was one of the better people when singing Michael Jackson. I think she was very, very ace when she did Purple Rain because she was in the bottom two. And good on her for not singing in Spanish when she doesn’t really want to.
Her mentor is Dannii Minogue who is a pop star and cries constantly without moving her face. I’ve been told this is what happens to stroke victims. It’s actually very embarrassing for them because it breaks all sorts of social conventions. That’s a sad blog detour. I apologise.
She was a little dull on week one. If she changed her name to something more Spanish like Shakira, that would have helped. Her performance could have been livened up by someone shouting Shakira, Shakira. This has improved two Shakira songs – if not more.

3. DIANA is ‘quirky’.
I think she was given a Kate Bush album when she was fifteen. I bet she liked it because she’s ‘like really quirky’ and Kate Bush was also ‘like really quirky’ before Diana was even born.
Diana was born in a different decade to me and it upsets me because I can’t sing and I’ve never been on The X Factor and been told that I’m captivating or gave it 110% or made the song my own.
I think Linger by the Cranberries was the first single she ever bought, on tape from WHSmith. She was pretty good even though her song Man in the Mirror kind of depends on the person singing it being a man. Because how can you start with the Man in the Mirror if you don’t see a Man in the Mirror because you’re a girl?
The producers allegedly call her Princess Diana because she acts like a princess. Not because she is the Queen of anyone’s heart.
I think she’s very good and I’d like her to win.
Her mentor is Cheryl Cole who is a popstar and who is NOT a racist. This was shown in a court of law.
She was the best on week one because she didn’t scream like a banshee. She was compared to Marmite.

4. ALEX wants this very badly.
She was very good the year that Shayne Ward was on the show and won. Shayne Ward drinks at the same pub as Scott Bruton! Alexandra did not make it the live rounds then. She has now made it to the live rounds. She is the new Leona in that she sings and appears to really like 90s divas.
She sung I’ll Be There, which was done by Leona on the show a few years ago, which was rearranged by Mariah Carey sixteen years ago, which was sung by the Jackson Five several decades ago. She was not praised for being original. The key to being original is doing a cover of a cover of a cover that has never been sung by Mariah Carey. Don’t cut corners, Alexandra.
Anyway I find the whole covering divas note-for-note thing rather tired. I voted for Leona once and bought the single and bought the album. I even saw her on the X Factor tour because I got someone to go with me. I did not buy the T Shirt so I can’t say been there, done that, bought the T Shirt with much conviction.
Her mentor is Notaracist.

5. SCOTT drinks in Shayne Ward’s pub.
I have little else to add. He sings with a very strong American accent. He sings in tune and either winks (week one) or lusts (week two) at the camera / at the girls at home who might fancy him and vote for him.
I’m willing to admit that ‘I would’ but I’m not sure how much either of us would enjoy it.
He is mentored by Simon Cowell who is ALWAYS RIGHT. Let’s call him G-d. (The ‘-’ thing is what really religious people do, such as my old RS teacher. I quite like it and I also think calling Simon God is a little too obvious.)
He was equally good on week one but all the judges said he was rubbish and had been given the wrong song. (As if ‘She’s Out of My Life’ is this intricate masterpiece. It rhymes out of my life with out of my life.) Sometimes I’m out of sync with the judges and I apologise for that.

6. EOGHAN is too young to stay for the live bits on ITV2.
It’s really sweet. I think it’s to do with slave labour laws.
Anyway, Eoghan is really quite good. I wasn’t sure I liked him during the week at the judges’ homes that aren’t actually their homes because they’re rented by ITV. I didn’t like him then because he seemed to be whispering. Now he actually seems to be ‘telling a story’ when he sings if that makes sense.
He sang Ben. This is kind of obvious because Eoghan is a little boy and it’s a little boy song. And it’s what Ray Quinn sang in series 3 during a similar theme week.
But it’s also kind of risky because Eoghan might never have had a pet rat. He might have been very much ‘out of his comfort zone’ singing about the ‘now it’s us, now it’s me’ feelings that come with rat ownership. This sort of inexperience could have resulted in a lacklustre vocal and an uncomfortable performance. He could have gone home. Well done to him and his mentor Simon for taking such a big risk.
He was even better on week one and sang Imagine. He made me briefly imagine a world without countries, or religion, or anything to kill or die for. Even though I don’t think he sang the more controversial verses on the show.
Fact alert! David Archuleta done a version of Imagine on American Idol and didn’t sing the ‘no religion’ bit because he is a mormon and didn’t want to blaspheme. Perhaps Eoghan is a mormon too.

7. LAURA needs your votes to stay in the competition.
She sang You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. For the first bit of the song she whimpered like a jazz diva that doesn’t sing jazz. (She is very new and exciting and is not at all like Duffy or Amy Winehouse!) For the second bit of the song she sang notes very loudly and longly. (She is the future Mariah, Whitney, Celine or Leona!)
She was very good one on week one. She wailed and screamed and I found the whole thing both frightening and impressive. On week one, she was dressed poorly. She seemed to be wearing black rubber and seemed to be pregnant or carrying a gun down her dress.
Laura’s mentor is Notaracist.

8. DANIEL has a dead wife.
He is also a very nice guy. We are told this week every week by the judges before they tell him and us that he is rubbish and looks like Ricky Gervais and is hideously underqualified to sing covers on ITV.
Deadwife is mentored by Dannii who has a sister I think.
He was worse on week one. Mainly because he was singing I Wanna Know What Love Is and that song always makes me think of 5CD budget compilations.

9. GIRL BAND are very literal.
They are a Girl Band and so are called Girl Band. They sang Heal The World because they too want to Heal The World. Then, when they were in the bottom two, they sang I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing because they said they ‘don’t want to miss a thing’ on the show, i.e. get kicked off.
They were kicked off. I won’t miss them.
They were similarly bad on week one and were in the bottom two.
They were mentored by Louis Walsh who is a manager of boybands. (None of whom had the good sense to call themselves Boy Band even though they were in fact a boy band!)

10. JLS have secret celebrity pasts.
I love this dirt that’s been found on them. One was in a band managed by one of Blue called VS and had a top ten single! I didn’t like that song.
They also had a #11 single which I did like! The band member whose name I don’t want to look up clearly likes band name acronyms almost as much as Girl Band like being literal and Deadwife likes singing ballads.
Another one was on a Kids TV show. Again I don’t want to look up names. Just go on DigitalSpy if you care enough.
They performed The Way You Make Me Feel because they can both sing and dance at the same time, though not sing well and dance at the same time. They had a ‘hot’ dance routine which involved rubbing against disinterested lady dancers.
They are mentored by Louis Walsh.

11. RACHEL takes things on board.
She was very gobby at BootCamp and now claims constantly she’s taking things on board when she’s given feedback.
She chose her song this week because her mentor Dannii Minogue chose her song last week and this aggravated her greatly.
She sang Dirty Diana and shouted and screamed but not in a way that was pleasant.
She sings a bit like a baby, without enunciating her words. She sings a bit like she has a cold. She had weird hair too. It was the hair of a teenage lesbian who’s ‘like completely open about everything and will say what she means to your face - but please don’t tell my parents! Please. I’ll pay you’
Simon told her off for picking the wrong song and not actually singing well in a singing competition. She was my least favourite person. I was going to write performance but then person seemed more damning. Her speaking voice annoys me too.



My first recap. I’m excited. I apologise for the many typos. I know I should take a blog far more seriously.
In other news, my Mum who's watched this show for five years now still calls it X Files.

Hello

Hello. I’m an author and as such I really should have a blog.
It would give me “internet presence”.
I could dazzle the world with how literary and clever I am.
I could give snippets of my work. I could make people want to read more.
I could be discovered and wouldn't work in a shop.
I could talk about my life. I could talk about how I just saw this exciting new film that you’re bound not to have seen because I’m too cult for you. I could tell you it was called Pi and tell you how amazing it is and – ergo – how amazing I am for having seen it.
But whatevs. I could watch only Pi in ten minute chunks. It was very tedious and very pretentious and the fact that I had a two-year old prescription in my glasses made it even more tedious. I walked the last half an hour with a current prescription in my glasses and it was still blurry and I still didn't like it.
"Ooh, like, it’s really deep because it’s like sometimes societal forces make you have to drill a hole in your head. And it’s not like so not standard Hollywood fare. I really love films that go a little deeper. And are like in Black and White."
Again, whatevs. ‘I didn’t get it.’ If you liked it, you’re very clever and I’m very stupid.
Thus my Thex Factor blog was born. It’s an ode to the fact that as writers go, I’m probably very stupid. I don’t like big words and I do very much like The X Factor show.

Every week I’m going to recap the X Factor.
I’m going to rank the performances from best to worst. I’m going to introduce you to lovable characters like Bulliedatschool, Deadwife and Notaracist.
I’m going to have to write something every week. I'm not going to be an author who doesn't actually write anything and just lives at home and watches Ally McBeal because he doesn't have to earn enough to pay rent.
I’m going to have something to do besides jobhunting, waiting for the phone to ring and watching Ally McBeal.

New blog! I’m excited!