1. It was Beatles week
Beatles Schmeatles. Forget Piggies and making Liverpool famous for something other than crime. The iffy covers delivered last weekend were clearly better than anything the Fab Four ever did for the world.
2. There is talk of last week’s shock elimination
Yes, it is a great shock when weak singers who were never going to win and who nobody really likes get voted off. Just like it was a huge shock when Lucie and Big Fat Laura got voted off in their years
3. I heart Olly Murs
Now I hated Olly Murs last year as much as the next right-thinking person. I hated his stupid dancing and his fugly face and his limp voice. But then today I heard his debut single for the first time and it’s heaps of fun. This new one is more cod reggae and it is better than it has any right to be. There’s even an awkward reference to Bob Mar-ley. He’s the white Pato Banton! And I loves it. I’m officially on the Murs bandwagon. I even like that his Mum is called Vicky Pollard. Don’t believe me check here
4. I do not heart the new charity single
Before its world premiere, we see a VT about people with real problems – dead father, missing legs, almost dying. It really puts those X Factor VTs (where people have issues such as having to sing and dance at the same time) in the shade. It doesn’t hurt that the man with a missing leg is much better looking than a Cardle or a Grimshaw.
As the song begins, Matt and Rebecca sing the first few lines. Though Girl Band sang the bulk of their charity single – and Vickers got about two lines – so we mustn’t read too much into that. I don’t think we hear Cher or John Adeleye once. They’re lip synching, and have clearly been heavily autotuned, but Belle Amie still sound shit. Ha! Oh and Grimshaw sounds normal and Byrne doesn’t shout. Clearly the record producers are stricter about ridiculous affectations and tuneless screaming than the judges are. The judges stand throughout but their slouches show this is just a formality. Even a choir of soldiers can’t stop then looking bored.
On with the rankings, this week with a Divas song that best describes them
1. PAIJE – Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
He seems a decent sort in his VT. We see footage of him being shocked he went through while Grimshaw’s caterwauling was finally punished. Gosh everyone’s pretending last weeks result was surprising aren’t they? I can’t and won’t
Dannii says his song choice is massive. He’s clearly going to do Let it Be.
And he does. And it’s lovely. And not just because I was having a nice tart and polishing off a glass of wine when it came on. The riffing is ridiculous – in a good way.
Cheryl calls it angelic. Se has word of the day toilet paper. Simon admits he was rude last week but still believes Paije can’t win. There was never a truer word spoken as Paije ends up in the bottom two the next night (a place no winner has ever been).
A brilliant Jamelia cover full of riffing and wailing and giving it ‘welly’ and sanging can’t help him. Neither can the fact he’s also dressed infinitely better than normal. He’s sent home with little fanfare. Poor Paije.
2. CHER – Queen of the Night
Cher’s Imagine is tasteful and lovely. It’s like a Disney princess cover, which is not spoiled by any rapping or dope mash-up nonsense.
The judges and public aren’t as enthused as I. Louis says it was not contemporary and didn’t like the absense of rap or choir. He loves a good sappy choir. Simon hates that she was sitting on a staircase. This must be based on some childhood tragedy because I thought that performance was faultless. Or at least good enough to keep her out of the bottom two. My powers of prediction and appreciation are clearly shot to shit,
In the bottom two, she repeats her Stay performance. This is either very lazy or very canny – a chance to remind the judges of that time they told her she was the best ever.
Or a chance to bore them with a rehash. Second time around, it’s is just as lovely.
And she weeps less – or at least the weeping interferes with her singing less. She looks a mess though and her voice breaks on the same note as last time – but she perseveres and still gets the song done. She’s a pro! And not a Pretty Woman pro. This once.
3. ONE DIRECTION – The Winner Takes It All
Harry is a big Beatles fan according to his VT. I doubt the other four have heard of them. I know 8 year olds who can’t name any of the Beatles after all.
They’re doing All You Need is Love to a Max Martin Pink/Clarko backing track. I like how Simon sorts out proper, interesting backing tracks for them then chides all the others for being copycat.
Dannii notices some timing botches and the others get shocked. Dannii isn’t sticking to the ‘boy band to win’ script. Cheryl gives Simon a taste of his medicine and talks about the platform and Simon is forced to say platforms and staircases and such don’t matter.
4. REBECCA – Smooth Operator
The seven minutes I spent watching this is too boring to write much about.
She’s from Liverpool. She sang Yesterday fine. She stood in the same spot. She had her eyes closed. She made some high pitched noises. I’m so over her now. She needs to do some Alexandra Burke style tranny dancing urgently.
5. MATT – You’re So Vain
He’s wearing a vest this week. I think it’s meant to be sexy. He sings Come Together in a weird gravely voice, rather than usual his wailing, girly voice. He sounds like a pirate – or an angry landlord. It’s fucking weird. Even Olly Murs sang it better – and he ripped his shirt off rather than wearing a scally vest. It becomes passable at the end only when he wails like a girl.
Louis is disappointed and Simon hates the styling. It’s true Matt does look like the gay one in a boyband wearing that vest. Simon goes even meaner saying he looks like he was ‘Dragged from the loo.’ Ha! Simon doesn’t want another flop male winner this year, does he?
6. MARY – My Name is Not Susan
Though she is quite as ugly as Susan Boyle. In her VT she rattles on about her daughter, her beautiful daughter. Said daughter is kinda old – its not like it’s a baby that she can exploit for votes.
Mary yells Something, which is maybe my least favourite Beatles song. It’s less scary than previous weeks, which is Something. Yes, let’s be positive!
Dannii says it was ‘up there with her best’ – which is very different praise from saying ‘the best.’ Simon loves the song choice and gives grudging props to Louis. Three judges say she’s got her confidence back. That is good but I feel Mary’s problem has always been her excess of confidence and absence of talent. Why can’t she get some of the latter back?
7. WAGNER - Beautiful
No matter what they say. In his VT, he says he thought his last performance was beautiful and quite good. Ha! Wagner isn’t bothered that he’s booed because not everyone likes Pavarotti. Except everyone does like the famous tenor – even more so now he’s dead and it would be a bit tacky to slag him off. Even Wagner’s logic is a bit shit.
He’s doing Get Back. As Beatles songs go, it’s not nearly wacky enough for Wagner. I’d have loved for him to try Piggies or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Oh shit it’s a medley – Louis loves a good Beatles medley doesn’t he? He foisted one on JLS years ago, ruining their tentative attempts to be all gangsta. Blood.
Cheryl looks bored and irritated throughout. There are some post-performance boos but also a lot of chanting. The tide has turned? Dannii has nothing to say. Cheryl, on the other hand, has nothing constructive to say but takes him to task for some comments he’s made about her. News to me! She furiously yells about it and it makes no one look good.
8. KATIE – Don’t Speak
She gets the pimp spot, which is enough to keep her in the contest for another week. She says in her VT she doesn’t deserve all the shtick she gets. She pronounces it just like shit. Apparently the title of her song ‘says it all.’
I don’t know the song. Turns out it was Help (thanks Google search) but it sounded so weird that I couldn’t recognise it. A deaf person who’s always lived on a deserted island would probably be able to recognise Help so Katie clearly fucked around the song something rotten if I couldn’t. Oh and she’s cut her hair off and dyed it brown. She looks like a lesbian and is dressed like a doll. Her voice quivers and sounds very thin. I much preferred her Christina coos. She gets better when she yells. I guess that makes her the Anti-Mary. Which is better than being the Antichrist as so many bloggers have made her out to be.
Dannii calls her out on her constant ‘I’m showing the real me’ talk while being a total actress and changing her style every week. Dannii also tells her to act, rather than sing. Ha! I wish Dannii could tell every irritating, wannabe quirky person this sort of advice. I’ll buy her a coke if she could do that the people in my local studenty bars! They'd become so much quieter!
Saturday 27 November 2010
Wednesday 17 November 2010
Thex Factor - Elton John Week - 'And it's getting more and more absurd'
These are the salient facts before we begin...
1. It is Elton John week
And for the second time, it’s with guest performers who aren’t Elton john.
And for the second time, they stick Gary Barlow into proceedings because he’s fat and plays piano too. I don’t know why they insist on an Elton theme when he hates the show so.
2. It was sort of boyband week too
As not one, not two but three boybands with strong links to this show came on to perform. Why not just have a boyband theme, Simon? Or would it have shown your One Direction fellows up? JLS sang a turgid song adequately. Westlife sang an anonymous song slightly better and, after all the hoopla, Take That’s fine performance was a little soiled by Robbie’s nerves and staring eyes that were Grimshaw-levels of crazy.
On with the rankings, this time with childish nicknames...
1. MATT – Matt Curdle
This week’s VT promises vocal gymnastics. I like when VTs state the obvious. They become like comforting uncles or that voice on the train that tells you your station is coming.
Matt’s singing about the Yellow Brice Road, which despite the Wizard of Oz reference is one of Elton’s less gay numbers. He looks like he’s crying – or has conjunctivitis. His eyes are very glassy and red. Maybe he’s still crying from remembrance days? That minute can drag if you have pain in your heart!
He sounds amazing. I may buy this single off the old iTunes. Or do some sort of clever YouTube conversion – either way, I want to listen again.
All the judges think it was great too. I imagine they will download the song illegally – or get a PA to do it. Despite their praise, they wouldn’t pay for it.
2. ONE DIRECTION – 4 Weddings and a Funeral
In their VT, like all the acts, they go to a Harry Potter premiere and meet star Daniel Radcliffe. One Direction all really fancy Hermione. What laddishness! Don’t they know there’s supposed to be a gay one? Daniel Radcliffe does not fancy Hermione and presumably knows her real name. There’s little else to note about this VT – other than the fact that the band want to be seen as singers. And not just the ugly one who doesn’t even have looks to fall back on.
They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight which is – on a technicality - the bestselling single of all time. They are slick and in tune, though Harry’s strange convulsions are a little distracting. If you’re not pulling ridiculous Ruth Lorenzo notes out of yourself, you shouldn’t spasm like that.
Louis says they’re going in one direction – all the way to the final. He is quite the wordsmith. Dannii says they are scarily consistent. It’s true they haven’t had a shocker yet but I wouldn’t say they’re as reliable as Matt or even Cher. Simon says they’ll win and the guys look surprised. I hope I don’t see these happy, surprised faces at the end of the finale. Matt Curdle FTW!
3. CHER – The gypsy, the tramp, the thief
In her VT, Cher says she was disappointed Cowell didn’t love her Jay-z knockoff and now thinks she’s out of the running. Cheryl tells her it’s fine – and doubtless explained backstage that an act belonging to the nation’s sweetheart wins every year. In other news Cher doesn’t want to work in a shop. Think of the discounts though Cher! We hear she’s going to exposed and on her own on stage and I briefly look forward to an a capella moment such as Ben Mills’ Queen cover or Danyl singing George Michael with just a metronome.
Turns out we don’t get a moment. She’s just lacking in naff dancers. That’s not being exposed – that’s just not using Wagner’s tactics. She sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word but with a weird RnB backing. Its just like Blue’s cover. Only it becomes a strange, half-assed bootleg as she shoves in some ‘dope rhymes’ from one of Eminem’s worst songs. Tell a lie, a half assed bootleg sounds exactly like Wagner’s tactics. I like Cher a lot but I wish she’d stop this.
The judges love it and it sounds a little bit like Louis calls the famous white rapper M&Ms. Ha!
4. KATIE – Katie Weasel
She says going to Harry Pott premiere was magical. Sigh. Somehow being more articulate makes her more of a dick than the idiots she’s competing against. She confuses me so! There are about ten references in her VT to fighting and being a fighter. I wonder what song she’ll do.
She does Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. Subtle this one. It is painful and thin from the first note. Once again she’s dressed as Madonna, when she was seeking Susan. Or being Susan – I haven’t seen the film.
Louis says he saved her and now regrets this. Ha! He also said the song choice was shit. Cheryl gets all bathroom attacker and screams ‘what song would you have given her?’ while banging her fists. This was wonderful. Simon loved it for whatever reason and Dannii admires her for how she copes with being so clearly and universally hated.
Now being shit doesn’t usually earn a fourth place on the meritocracy that is my rank. But a series of wonderful things happened Sunday that she must be rewarded for. She of course ended up in the bottom two and sang a Christina album track. House point, Weasel. She then sang it in tuneful coos and sighs and shakes and shimmies. The camera panned away and up into the sky and there was a stillness in the air. It was the exact opposite of her Jungle Book cabaret but somehow just as wonderful. House point, Weasel. Also she somehow got more votes than the Grimshaw Slasher and he was kicked off. She so should go to achievement assembly for that one.
5. AIDEN – Buffalo Bill
In his VT, we learn that Cheryl thinks he’s less crazy and he’s happy. Because now he’ll be less of a suspect when the killings begin again…
He sings far better than usual. It’s a fair standard cover of Rocket Man and he sang real notes. I was busy filing so I can’t comment on his crazy faces because it wasn’t watching. If you don’t watch he’s ok and doesn’t give off his Ed Gein vibes.
He looked less angry and less like a petulant child when it was done too.
Louis thought he changed the melody too much whereas the others were full of praise.
I think it was his best. His Crowded House cover the next day was shockingly bad though. Almost as bad as his Jealous Guy. He hopped around the stage like a loon or a Monty Python sketch and butchered the song. He had a total stinkface throughout and at one point stuck his necklace in his mouth and sucked on it. What a baby. Though it was a change for him to suck on something rather than just suck at things.
6. REBECCA - Taxidermy
She finally gets to sing last. This was a long time coming for such a frontrunner. In her moody windtunnel shots, she looks a fright. In her VT, we see her squeaking her way through the climax of a Bob Dylan song. She sang most of the song well – I have no idea why they chose to show her making such odd noises. She then tell us she felt like she was gatecrashing the Harry Potter premiere, rather than part of some clever cross-promotion ploy
She sings Candle In The Wind, which is what I thought she’d get. She’s singing about Marilyn, not Diana by the way. Presumably because Cheryl is now Queen of our Hearts and the ITV crowd have completely forgotten about that posh bird. It’s very boring and she stands in the exact same spot as she does most weeks. Maybe she has OCD or a germ phobia or something because she seems glued to that point. She keeps her eyes mostly closed and we see endless close-ups of her enormous and heavily-painted eyelids. There’s not much to say about the vocals – it’s fine but I love Matt’s bells and whistles. Or Cher’s hip-hop Disney princess vibe.
Cheryl says she’s an inspiration to single mothers everywhere. Surely the pramfaces have more in common with Cheryl than tastefully boring Rebecca?
7. PAIJE – Lenny Henry
Paije is made to sing first again. The producers must have it in for him. Or maybe he was meant to be the shock elimination? Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe is a fan and not just because Paije was IN a Harry Potter film as an extra. Daniel pretends to know who the extras are. Simon gives him the seal of approval too but notes how ridiculous the lyrics are to his song choice. Well, it is Elton John week – that’s kind of hard to avoid.
He’s slightly out of time and his voice doesn’t quite fit the song. His ridiculous pink suit fits better but is torture for the eyes. He looks like a blancmange.
Simon says he can’t possibly win, which I think has always been true. Paije then sasses back in a mumbly way about versatility. The problem wasn’t that Paije was too versatile – the problem was that he was too shit this week. He really must pay attention.
8. WAGNER – Rudderless hippy
In his VT, he’s compared to Louis Walsh. Oh please, there’s only one Lewis Walse. Wagner makes me love him again though because he says he’s being given too many words to sing and will doubtless struggle. I like his ‘don’t blame me, I’m rubbish’ angle – it could keep him in the contest longer than Jedward or maybe even Chico managed.
He sounds better than Mary – and even when his eyes bulge he looks less weird than Aiden. He sings I’m Still Standing – which lyrically is going to goad all the booers
He goes straight after Cher and offers a similarly lame bootleg mash up sort of thing when it goes into Circle of Life. Those songs couldn’t be less linked. His accent really gets in the way of the song’s mawkish emotion too – particularly when he sings ‘bland of hope’ and ‘sepal of life.’
The judges give their usual critiques and the audience have the good manners not to boo much until the results show.
9. MARY - Jabba
Her VT is all about how miserable she was last week and how surreal it is that a tuneless sow like her is famous. Hard to believe Mary I agree.
Ha! She’s singing a song from The Lion King. She has a Pumbaa vibe about her but still can’t pull it off. She sounds dreadful and dressed all in black she looks like the Grim Reaper. Oh wait, he’s thin. She looks like the grim reaper and Santa’s daughter.
She yells throughout but in her defense the last note where she yells is more pleasant than the others.
The judges give pity praise and Simon calls her a pub singer.
Just to compare, Dannii stood up after all her acts tonight. Louis politely claps for Mary. Even he realises she’s the pits.
1. It is Elton John week
And for the second time, it’s with guest performers who aren’t Elton john.
And for the second time, they stick Gary Barlow into proceedings because he’s fat and plays piano too. I don’t know why they insist on an Elton theme when he hates the show so.
2. It was sort of boyband week too
As not one, not two but three boybands with strong links to this show came on to perform. Why not just have a boyband theme, Simon? Or would it have shown your One Direction fellows up? JLS sang a turgid song adequately. Westlife sang an anonymous song slightly better and, after all the hoopla, Take That’s fine performance was a little soiled by Robbie’s nerves and staring eyes that were Grimshaw-levels of crazy.
On with the rankings, this time with childish nicknames...
1. MATT – Matt Curdle
This week’s VT promises vocal gymnastics. I like when VTs state the obvious. They become like comforting uncles or that voice on the train that tells you your station is coming.
Matt’s singing about the Yellow Brice Road, which despite the Wizard of Oz reference is one of Elton’s less gay numbers. He looks like he’s crying – or has conjunctivitis. His eyes are very glassy and red. Maybe he’s still crying from remembrance days? That minute can drag if you have pain in your heart!
He sounds amazing. I may buy this single off the old iTunes. Or do some sort of clever YouTube conversion – either way, I want to listen again.
All the judges think it was great too. I imagine they will download the song illegally – or get a PA to do it. Despite their praise, they wouldn’t pay for it.
2. ONE DIRECTION – 4 Weddings and a Funeral
In their VT, like all the acts, they go to a Harry Potter premiere and meet star Daniel Radcliffe. One Direction all really fancy Hermione. What laddishness! Don’t they know there’s supposed to be a gay one? Daniel Radcliffe does not fancy Hermione and presumably knows her real name. There’s little else to note about this VT – other than the fact that the band want to be seen as singers. And not just the ugly one who doesn’t even have looks to fall back on.
They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight which is – on a technicality - the bestselling single of all time. They are slick and in tune, though Harry’s strange convulsions are a little distracting. If you’re not pulling ridiculous Ruth Lorenzo notes out of yourself, you shouldn’t spasm like that.
Louis says they’re going in one direction – all the way to the final. He is quite the wordsmith. Dannii says they are scarily consistent. It’s true they haven’t had a shocker yet but I wouldn’t say they’re as reliable as Matt or even Cher. Simon says they’ll win and the guys look surprised. I hope I don’t see these happy, surprised faces at the end of the finale. Matt Curdle FTW!
3. CHER – The gypsy, the tramp, the thief
In her VT, Cher says she was disappointed Cowell didn’t love her Jay-z knockoff and now thinks she’s out of the running. Cheryl tells her it’s fine – and doubtless explained backstage that an act belonging to the nation’s sweetheart wins every year. In other news Cher doesn’t want to work in a shop. Think of the discounts though Cher! We hear she’s going to exposed and on her own on stage and I briefly look forward to an a capella moment such as Ben Mills’ Queen cover or Danyl singing George Michael with just a metronome.
Turns out we don’t get a moment. She’s just lacking in naff dancers. That’s not being exposed – that’s just not using Wagner’s tactics. She sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word but with a weird RnB backing. Its just like Blue’s cover. Only it becomes a strange, half-assed bootleg as she shoves in some ‘dope rhymes’ from one of Eminem’s worst songs. Tell a lie, a half assed bootleg sounds exactly like Wagner’s tactics. I like Cher a lot but I wish she’d stop this.
The judges love it and it sounds a little bit like Louis calls the famous white rapper M&Ms. Ha!
4. KATIE – Katie Weasel
She says going to Harry Pott premiere was magical. Sigh. Somehow being more articulate makes her more of a dick than the idiots she’s competing against. She confuses me so! There are about ten references in her VT to fighting and being a fighter. I wonder what song she’ll do.
She does Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting. Subtle this one. It is painful and thin from the first note. Once again she’s dressed as Madonna, when she was seeking Susan. Or being Susan – I haven’t seen the film.
Louis says he saved her and now regrets this. Ha! He also said the song choice was shit. Cheryl gets all bathroom attacker and screams ‘what song would you have given her?’ while banging her fists. This was wonderful. Simon loved it for whatever reason and Dannii admires her for how she copes with being so clearly and universally hated.
Now being shit doesn’t usually earn a fourth place on the meritocracy that is my rank. But a series of wonderful things happened Sunday that she must be rewarded for. She of course ended up in the bottom two and sang a Christina album track. House point, Weasel. She then sang it in tuneful coos and sighs and shakes and shimmies. The camera panned away and up into the sky and there was a stillness in the air. It was the exact opposite of her Jungle Book cabaret but somehow just as wonderful. House point, Weasel. Also she somehow got more votes than the Grimshaw Slasher and he was kicked off. She so should go to achievement assembly for that one.
5. AIDEN – Buffalo Bill
In his VT, we learn that Cheryl thinks he’s less crazy and he’s happy. Because now he’ll be less of a suspect when the killings begin again…
He sings far better than usual. It’s a fair standard cover of Rocket Man and he sang real notes. I was busy filing so I can’t comment on his crazy faces because it wasn’t watching. If you don’t watch he’s ok and doesn’t give off his Ed Gein vibes.
He looked less angry and less like a petulant child when it was done too.
Louis thought he changed the melody too much whereas the others were full of praise.
I think it was his best. His Crowded House cover the next day was shockingly bad though. Almost as bad as his Jealous Guy. He hopped around the stage like a loon or a Monty Python sketch and butchered the song. He had a total stinkface throughout and at one point stuck his necklace in his mouth and sucked on it. What a baby. Though it was a change for him to suck on something rather than just suck at things.
6. REBECCA - Taxidermy
She finally gets to sing last. This was a long time coming for such a frontrunner. In her moody windtunnel shots, she looks a fright. In her VT, we see her squeaking her way through the climax of a Bob Dylan song. She sang most of the song well – I have no idea why they chose to show her making such odd noises. She then tell us she felt like she was gatecrashing the Harry Potter premiere, rather than part of some clever cross-promotion ploy
She sings Candle In The Wind, which is what I thought she’d get. She’s singing about Marilyn, not Diana by the way. Presumably because Cheryl is now Queen of our Hearts and the ITV crowd have completely forgotten about that posh bird. It’s very boring and she stands in the exact same spot as she does most weeks. Maybe she has OCD or a germ phobia or something because she seems glued to that point. She keeps her eyes mostly closed and we see endless close-ups of her enormous and heavily-painted eyelids. There’s not much to say about the vocals – it’s fine but I love Matt’s bells and whistles. Or Cher’s hip-hop Disney princess vibe.
Cheryl says she’s an inspiration to single mothers everywhere. Surely the pramfaces have more in common with Cheryl than tastefully boring Rebecca?
7. PAIJE – Lenny Henry
Paije is made to sing first again. The producers must have it in for him. Or maybe he was meant to be the shock elimination? Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe is a fan and not just because Paije was IN a Harry Potter film as an extra. Daniel pretends to know who the extras are. Simon gives him the seal of approval too but notes how ridiculous the lyrics are to his song choice. Well, it is Elton John week – that’s kind of hard to avoid.
He’s slightly out of time and his voice doesn’t quite fit the song. His ridiculous pink suit fits better but is torture for the eyes. He looks like a blancmange.
Simon says he can’t possibly win, which I think has always been true. Paije then sasses back in a mumbly way about versatility. The problem wasn’t that Paije was too versatile – the problem was that he was too shit this week. He really must pay attention.
8. WAGNER – Rudderless hippy
In his VT, he’s compared to Louis Walsh. Oh please, there’s only one Lewis Walse. Wagner makes me love him again though because he says he’s being given too many words to sing and will doubtless struggle. I like his ‘don’t blame me, I’m rubbish’ angle – it could keep him in the contest longer than Jedward or maybe even Chico managed.
He sounds better than Mary – and even when his eyes bulge he looks less weird than Aiden. He sings I’m Still Standing – which lyrically is going to goad all the booers
He goes straight after Cher and offers a similarly lame bootleg mash up sort of thing when it goes into Circle of Life. Those songs couldn’t be less linked. His accent really gets in the way of the song’s mawkish emotion too – particularly when he sings ‘bland of hope’ and ‘sepal of life.’
The judges give their usual critiques and the audience have the good manners not to boo much until the results show.
9. MARY - Jabba
Her VT is all about how miserable she was last week and how surreal it is that a tuneless sow like her is famous. Hard to believe Mary I agree.
Ha! She’s singing a song from The Lion King. She has a Pumbaa vibe about her but still can’t pull it off. She sounds dreadful and dressed all in black she looks like the Grim Reaper. Oh wait, he’s thin. She looks like the grim reaper and Santa’s daughter.
She yells throughout but in her defense the last note where she yells is more pleasant than the others.
The judges give pity praise and Simon calls her a pub singer.
Just to compare, Dannii stood up after all her acts tonight. Louis politely claps for Mary. Even he realises she’s the pits.
Tuesday 9 November 2010
Thex Factor – American Anthems Week
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is American Anthems Week
And you’d think that would mean lots of hair rock. Poision and Journey and Lynyrd Skynyrd and the like. Sadly, none of the songs are from this album. And in fact, not all of the songs are American.
2. And neither are the special guests
Which bright spark decided to book Shayne Ward and Kylie Minogue for America week. They have quite strong accents that show they are not American. They don’t have even fans in America! Shayne’s song sounds a LOT like Joe McElderry’s: Tinny europop. The best thing about the whole business was the fact his VT was full of shirtless pictures and inflated record sales. He looks furious throughout, which isn’t helped by his shaved head. He nods at the end as if to say ‘yes, I was amazing.’ The audience scream as if they remember who he is. Kylie is better doing a weird song, she doesn’t pretend she’s singing live. She constantly moves the mic away from her face, as part of an elaborate routine, and the singing continues. Magic!
On with the rankings, this week with some positive reinforcement
1. MATT – I like that you sing well
We see a VT of his Bleeding Love cover last week, which was less bleeding love and more of a papercut. He says his performance was rubbish and that he didn’t expect or deserve to survive another week. I call bullshit – he must have realised he was better than Aiden at least. In fascinating news, his parents are really posh. This would explain why his accent is very suddenly and very cartoonishly Essex: it’s all a fake.
He’s redoing his Boot Camp performance, only this time it’s not a surprise. And this time it hasn’t followed Cher taking us to JERUSALURRRRRRRRRM! So it shouldn’t have been as good. And it hasn’t shouldn’t have made me well. And it shouldn’t have made me stop typing snarky notes and just listen. Only it is as good. So good that Cheryl cries and turns to tell Dannii ‘wow!’ So good that all 4 judges give the Standing O. So good that Matt and Dannii cry.
Louis likes him because, and I quote, ‘every week you come out and sing.’ Whereas the others do juggling acts? It’s only Wagner that doesn’t try to sing, Louis. Simon likes that he doesn’t whinge and acts like a man. Yet sings like a girl! He truly is the best of both sexes.
2. REBECCA – I like your pearls
Cheryl tells us we’ll see a glittery firework then the editors show an extended shot of Rebecca looking really angry. Ha! Rebecca then ruins the whole ‘I’m a wallflower with the confidence of a napkin’ thing she has going by telling us she’s a very experienced singer.
She’s singing Make You Feel My Love, which we’ve heard now four times this season. I don’t think her voice suits the song – it’s a little distracting and the song must be song very simply. She opens her eyes a few times though, which is a feat for her. The arrangement is lovely and she is accompanied onstage by real musicians with real instruments. There are some very weird high notes that she insists on repeating. Cheryl and Simon stand up. LW tells her she’s amazing and that she stands out and she nods. Not so humble, this one. Simon and Cheryl tell her the nation loves her and she is an ambassador for Britain. Dermot pisses on the parade telling her how shit she was in rehearsals and then calls her an idiot. I miss Kate Thornton so.
3. ONE DIRECTION – I like Harry. Like, like like him.
I wrote nothing about One Direction in my notes so this is from memory:
1. Liam looked too thin in the VT
2. They sang Kids in America quite well with very fun ‘na na na na’ bits. Just like a Kaiser Chiefs B-Side.
3. There was some contentious debate about the uncontentious fact that Kids in America is not by anyone American. I believe it was cheating but I can see why people would like it.
4. PAIJE – I like that your outfits have become less vulgar
We see a VT reminder of Dannii saying ‘the soul man is in the house’ and doing an obnoxious dance. This short clip just showed why people like Cheryl more. I’m not saying they should – I’m just saying I understand. DM warns us there’s a bootleg afoot. I suppose Cher wasn’t in the mood for a half-assed bootleg this week. Louis adds more dread to proceedings telling he wants to see ‘fun, soulfully, bubbly Paije.’ Louis clearly wants to him to live up to the steretotype of the jolly fatman. Oh the trials of being a fat popstar! How one is judged just for eating Liam’s body weight a day!
He’s singing I’m A Believer first – a song I absolutely hate. He dances very well for a man of his heft and it doesn’t interfere with the vocals. He’s dressed pretty well this week too – a nice grey suit and a big yellow jumper. It goes into Hey Ya, which is pretty cool. If only he’d just done that song. He sounds pretty cool when he rips into it.
The judges like it a lot more than me. Louis compares him to Lenny Henry because he smiles and is black. Simon likes the Austin Powers vibe and thinks it was the best yet. It was groovy, baby in parts but he’s sung much, much better in the past few weeks.
5. KATIE – I like seeing a posh person on this show
We see a VT of her tunelessly screaming her survival song then having a tantrum backstage and sobbing ‘I hate this.’ Way to win fans, Weasel! She tells us she’s not feeling down about being hated and clearly doomed to fail as ‘nothing’s ever easy that’s worth having.’ That’s almost a Cheryl Cole lyric.
She’s singing Don’t Speak , which is a fab and at first I love the strange, violin-led arrangement. Her baby wail whisper suits the song. On the big screen behind there is a video of her crying while wearing a wedding dress and we see Simon hold back some sniggers. Her vocal limitations become, well, quite limiting when the second half of the song requires her to sing and not just coo.
Louis wants us to judge her on her singing, not her whorish ways. Dannii thinks it was contrived and Simon thinks she sung poorly. Katie talks back that emotion means more being able to sing. I think that’s we why she ended up in the bottom two.
Once she learns how much she’s hated, she sings a soul track. It’s more Etta James, we assume. I don’t know the song. There’s lot of Duffy-style vowel-splitting. The chorus is her saying ‘please don’t give up on me,’ which is subtle as the judges can deal with. The highlight comes when she yells ‘You know what, sod it’ and sits down. The way she probably does in supermarkets when Grandmama won’t buy her a Galaxy.
She survives the vote under vaguely-controversial circumstances when Cheryl refuses to vote, then asks Dermot to ask her last, then forfeits her vote. Well it would be more controversial if anyone gave a shit about Treyc.
6. CHER – I’ve liked most of your Jerusalerrrm-free performances
In her VT, she tells us she doesn’t want to come fifth or sixth. She wants to win. She needs to up her game because I’ve put her sixth on a patchy night. We see a terrifying montage of her past performances and all the scary face she’s pulled.
She sings Empire State of Mind and it’s fine. And as always she has the big production – with skateboarders – which is also fine but it’s all a bit flat. We know she can sing. We know she can spit the rhymes of others so there’s nothing new here. There’s not even a tacky, ill-conceived bootleg! It’s just a song on in the background while someone’s telling you about how late the trains are.
Only Simon says that he’s bored while the others gush. Between Simon’s criticism, being on first and the pointlessness of it all, she should’ve been at risk. She’s obviously got fans.
7. WAGNER – I like your speaking voice
Louis keeps mispronouncing his name and smiling about it. It’s really rude.
Wagner thinks so too and tells us so in his VT. Wagner also thinks he is beloved. I’m not sure if it’s a language barrier or a very useful coping mechanism but he has no idea how unpopular he is.
He starts off singing Viva Las Vegas. And he’s singing it very slowly, almost as if he’s trying to explain the lyrics rather than sing them. The runs near the end aren’t that bad. I wonder if he’ll have a week of actually singing (just like Same Difference, Jedward or Idol’s Sanjaya or Tim Urban) and get lots of praise. It goes without saying that he’s performing a montage – half of the performance is The Wonder of You and it’s not sung too terribly. There’s a fun dance routine with a fake wedding. I enjoyed this performance and I thought he sang better than all those below. I’m not joining a facebook campaign or anything but I’m glad he stayed this week.
DM Theres a church in Vegas that wants you to sing at it. DM wedding singer CC church singer SC liked it but hates himself for it
Wagner ‘if I sometimes sung out of time or out of tune, Im only human’ Ha! I like this motto. Mary is clearly not human so she cant even make that argument
8. TREYC – I like you’ve been kicked off
In her VT she says she’s ready to fight. That would explain why she always sounds so pained and violent. Treyc is sure the audience will love her performance. Way to be humble, Cohen. And way to show a complete lack of awareness. I think this is Treyc’s main problem. She must finish every screechy, dated performance thinking ‘that went really well’ and then not to try sing better next time, or at least sound like a cavewoman being raped. Dannii has a bit more nouse and thinks Treyc is boring. Treyc doesn’t care about having a niche or any marketability: she just wants the judges to tell her she can sing.
She wears a Disney princess wedding dress and sings Aerosmith. The first half is fine but towards the end she – you guessed it – starts shrieking and screaming in an unpleasant way.
Dannii and Simon repeat their comments from last week. There is no need for me to retype them.
Treyc ends up in the bottom two because the public clearly care about niches and marketability and care little for angry caterwauling. Cheryl gives her squinty, thoughtful deathstare before she sings. The look that usually only bathroom attendants see. She butchers Toni Braxton with little sobby notes. It is greatly inferior to the original or of Alexandra’s cover. It is strained and pointless. Her montage is painful – six botched powernotes in a row, no reason to feel anything but relief.
9. AIDEN – I like the songs you sing, when someone else sings them
Aiden tells us about how he is intense but then most eighteen years sit around and he misses his sister. Now that last garbled sentence isn’t me writing badly: what he said makes just as little sense as that. I am but a messenger! There’s then some debate about how intense he is. Louis and Danii say he is what he is, whereas Cheryl would rather he was versatile and less serial killer like. I must side with Cheryl on this one. If he was the great performer Dannii makes him about to be, he could try one week being less affected and batshit crazy.
He takes out his poorly repressed anger on Nothing Compares 2 U. Seriously, he cuts it up with a chainsaw and then makes a coat out of its skin. Somewhere Sinead O’Connor is trying to put the lotion in the basket. He tunelessly wails out of the corner of his mouth. There is a whole load of pyrotechnics onstage – perhaps to make the whole thing less boring and awful – but I would rather jump into one of the stage fires than be left alone with Aiden. Or listen to that again. He smiles throughout and after, which shows some improvement in his mental health.
Louis thinks he’s consistent and doesn’t mind that it’s the same basic performance every week. Cheryl can’t fault his singing. Or doesn’t want to. You could easily fault it. Preferably with serial killer references!
10. MARY – I like the supermarket you work at
In her VT, she kind of acknowledges how it’s surprising that people like her when she’s so monstrously fat. Oh and she tells us she was a pub singer. Never, Mary! I don’t believe it. You sound so contemporary! She tells us she’s doing a song that’s very modern and not a belter
Turns out she’s singing Faith Hill which is definitely not modern and definitely a belter. She sounds horrendous. She’s flat and hoarse and then yells. At points she sounds and looks like she’s about to cry. That only works as a strategy when you’re cute. Or, like Cher, are singing the song well
Dannii thinks it was iffy and Cheryl gives the pity praise ‘hope you’re here next week.’ Mary looks effing furious. Dermot calls her on her stinkface and she says she misses her daughter. I doubt daughter misses her. At least she only has to hear mum sing once a week now.
1. It is American Anthems Week
And you’d think that would mean lots of hair rock. Poision and Journey and Lynyrd Skynyrd and the like. Sadly, none of the songs are from this album. And in fact, not all of the songs are American.
2. And neither are the special guests
Which bright spark decided to book Shayne Ward and Kylie Minogue for America week. They have quite strong accents that show they are not American. They don’t have even fans in America! Shayne’s song sounds a LOT like Joe McElderry’s: Tinny europop. The best thing about the whole business was the fact his VT was full of shirtless pictures and inflated record sales. He looks furious throughout, which isn’t helped by his shaved head. He nods at the end as if to say ‘yes, I was amazing.’ The audience scream as if they remember who he is. Kylie is better doing a weird song, she doesn’t pretend she’s singing live. She constantly moves the mic away from her face, as part of an elaborate routine, and the singing continues. Magic!
On with the rankings, this week with some positive reinforcement
1. MATT – I like that you sing well
We see a VT of his Bleeding Love cover last week, which was less bleeding love and more of a papercut. He says his performance was rubbish and that he didn’t expect or deserve to survive another week. I call bullshit – he must have realised he was better than Aiden at least. In fascinating news, his parents are really posh. This would explain why his accent is very suddenly and very cartoonishly Essex: it’s all a fake.
He’s redoing his Boot Camp performance, only this time it’s not a surprise. And this time it hasn’t followed Cher taking us to JERUSALURRRRRRRRRM! So it shouldn’t have been as good. And it hasn’t shouldn’t have made me well. And it shouldn’t have made me stop typing snarky notes and just listen. Only it is as good. So good that Cheryl cries and turns to tell Dannii ‘wow!’ So good that all 4 judges give the Standing O. So good that Matt and Dannii cry.
Louis likes him because, and I quote, ‘every week you come out and sing.’ Whereas the others do juggling acts? It’s only Wagner that doesn’t try to sing, Louis. Simon likes that he doesn’t whinge and acts like a man. Yet sings like a girl! He truly is the best of both sexes.
2. REBECCA – I like your pearls
Cheryl tells us we’ll see a glittery firework then the editors show an extended shot of Rebecca looking really angry. Ha! Rebecca then ruins the whole ‘I’m a wallflower with the confidence of a napkin’ thing she has going by telling us she’s a very experienced singer.
She’s singing Make You Feel My Love, which we’ve heard now four times this season. I don’t think her voice suits the song – it’s a little distracting and the song must be song very simply. She opens her eyes a few times though, which is a feat for her. The arrangement is lovely and she is accompanied onstage by real musicians with real instruments. There are some very weird high notes that she insists on repeating. Cheryl and Simon stand up. LW tells her she’s amazing and that she stands out and she nods. Not so humble, this one. Simon and Cheryl tell her the nation loves her and she is an ambassador for Britain. Dermot pisses on the parade telling her how shit she was in rehearsals and then calls her an idiot. I miss Kate Thornton so.
3. ONE DIRECTION – I like Harry. Like, like like him.
I wrote nothing about One Direction in my notes so this is from memory:
1. Liam looked too thin in the VT
2. They sang Kids in America quite well with very fun ‘na na na na’ bits. Just like a Kaiser Chiefs B-Side.
3. There was some contentious debate about the uncontentious fact that Kids in America is not by anyone American. I believe it was cheating but I can see why people would like it.
4. PAIJE – I like that your outfits have become less vulgar
We see a VT reminder of Dannii saying ‘the soul man is in the house’ and doing an obnoxious dance. This short clip just showed why people like Cheryl more. I’m not saying they should – I’m just saying I understand. DM warns us there’s a bootleg afoot. I suppose Cher wasn’t in the mood for a half-assed bootleg this week. Louis adds more dread to proceedings telling he wants to see ‘fun, soulfully, bubbly Paije.’ Louis clearly wants to him to live up to the steretotype of the jolly fatman. Oh the trials of being a fat popstar! How one is judged just for eating Liam’s body weight a day!
He’s singing I’m A Believer first – a song I absolutely hate. He dances very well for a man of his heft and it doesn’t interfere with the vocals. He’s dressed pretty well this week too – a nice grey suit and a big yellow jumper. It goes into Hey Ya, which is pretty cool. If only he’d just done that song. He sounds pretty cool when he rips into it.
The judges like it a lot more than me. Louis compares him to Lenny Henry because he smiles and is black. Simon likes the Austin Powers vibe and thinks it was the best yet. It was groovy, baby in parts but he’s sung much, much better in the past few weeks.
5. KATIE – I like seeing a posh person on this show
We see a VT of her tunelessly screaming her survival song then having a tantrum backstage and sobbing ‘I hate this.’ Way to win fans, Weasel! She tells us she’s not feeling down about being hated and clearly doomed to fail as ‘nothing’s ever easy that’s worth having.’ That’s almost a Cheryl Cole lyric.
She’s singing Don’t Speak , which is a fab and at first I love the strange, violin-led arrangement. Her baby wail whisper suits the song. On the big screen behind there is a video of her crying while wearing a wedding dress and we see Simon hold back some sniggers. Her vocal limitations become, well, quite limiting when the second half of the song requires her to sing and not just coo.
Louis wants us to judge her on her singing, not her whorish ways. Dannii thinks it was contrived and Simon thinks she sung poorly. Katie talks back that emotion means more being able to sing. I think that’s we why she ended up in the bottom two.
Once she learns how much she’s hated, she sings a soul track. It’s more Etta James, we assume. I don’t know the song. There’s lot of Duffy-style vowel-splitting. The chorus is her saying ‘please don’t give up on me,’ which is subtle as the judges can deal with. The highlight comes when she yells ‘You know what, sod it’ and sits down. The way she probably does in supermarkets when Grandmama won’t buy her a Galaxy.
She survives the vote under vaguely-controversial circumstances when Cheryl refuses to vote, then asks Dermot to ask her last, then forfeits her vote. Well it would be more controversial if anyone gave a shit about Treyc.
6. CHER – I’ve liked most of your Jerusalerrrm-free performances
In her VT, she tells us she doesn’t want to come fifth or sixth. She wants to win. She needs to up her game because I’ve put her sixth on a patchy night. We see a terrifying montage of her past performances and all the scary face she’s pulled.
She sings Empire State of Mind and it’s fine. And as always she has the big production – with skateboarders – which is also fine but it’s all a bit flat. We know she can sing. We know she can spit the rhymes of others so there’s nothing new here. There’s not even a tacky, ill-conceived bootleg! It’s just a song on in the background while someone’s telling you about how late the trains are.
Only Simon says that he’s bored while the others gush. Between Simon’s criticism, being on first and the pointlessness of it all, she should’ve been at risk. She’s obviously got fans.
7. WAGNER – I like your speaking voice
Louis keeps mispronouncing his name and smiling about it. It’s really rude.
Wagner thinks so too and tells us so in his VT. Wagner also thinks he is beloved. I’m not sure if it’s a language barrier or a very useful coping mechanism but he has no idea how unpopular he is.
He starts off singing Viva Las Vegas. And he’s singing it very slowly, almost as if he’s trying to explain the lyrics rather than sing them. The runs near the end aren’t that bad. I wonder if he’ll have a week of actually singing (just like Same Difference, Jedward or Idol’s Sanjaya or Tim Urban) and get lots of praise. It goes without saying that he’s performing a montage – half of the performance is The Wonder of You and it’s not sung too terribly. There’s a fun dance routine with a fake wedding. I enjoyed this performance and I thought he sang better than all those below. I’m not joining a facebook campaign or anything but I’m glad he stayed this week.
DM Theres a church in Vegas that wants you to sing at it. DM wedding singer CC church singer SC liked it but hates himself for it
Wagner ‘if I sometimes sung out of time or out of tune, Im only human’ Ha! I like this motto. Mary is clearly not human so she cant even make that argument
8. TREYC – I like you’ve been kicked off
In her VT she says she’s ready to fight. That would explain why she always sounds so pained and violent. Treyc is sure the audience will love her performance. Way to be humble, Cohen. And way to show a complete lack of awareness. I think this is Treyc’s main problem. She must finish every screechy, dated performance thinking ‘that went really well’ and then not to try sing better next time, or at least sound like a cavewoman being raped. Dannii has a bit more nouse and thinks Treyc is boring. Treyc doesn’t care about having a niche or any marketability: she just wants the judges to tell her she can sing.
She wears a Disney princess wedding dress and sings Aerosmith. The first half is fine but towards the end she – you guessed it – starts shrieking and screaming in an unpleasant way.
Dannii and Simon repeat their comments from last week. There is no need for me to retype them.
Treyc ends up in the bottom two because the public clearly care about niches and marketability and care little for angry caterwauling. Cheryl gives her squinty, thoughtful deathstare before she sings. The look that usually only bathroom attendants see. She butchers Toni Braxton with little sobby notes. It is greatly inferior to the original or of Alexandra’s cover. It is strained and pointless. Her montage is painful – six botched powernotes in a row, no reason to feel anything but relief.
9. AIDEN – I like the songs you sing, when someone else sings them
Aiden tells us about how he is intense but then most eighteen years sit around and he misses his sister. Now that last garbled sentence isn’t me writing badly: what he said makes just as little sense as that. I am but a messenger! There’s then some debate about how intense he is. Louis and Danii say he is what he is, whereas Cheryl would rather he was versatile and less serial killer like. I must side with Cheryl on this one. If he was the great performer Dannii makes him about to be, he could try one week being less affected and batshit crazy.
He takes out his poorly repressed anger on Nothing Compares 2 U. Seriously, he cuts it up with a chainsaw and then makes a coat out of its skin. Somewhere Sinead O’Connor is trying to put the lotion in the basket. He tunelessly wails out of the corner of his mouth. There is a whole load of pyrotechnics onstage – perhaps to make the whole thing less boring and awful – but I would rather jump into one of the stage fires than be left alone with Aiden. Or listen to that again. He smiles throughout and after, which shows some improvement in his mental health.
Louis thinks he’s consistent and doesn’t mind that it’s the same basic performance every week. Cheryl can’t fault his singing. Or doesn’t want to. You could easily fault it. Preferably with serial killer references!
10. MARY – I like the supermarket you work at
In her VT, she kind of acknowledges how it’s surprising that people like her when she’s so monstrously fat. Oh and she tells us she was a pub singer. Never, Mary! I don’t believe it. You sound so contemporary! She tells us she’s doing a song that’s very modern and not a belter
Turns out she’s singing Faith Hill which is definitely not modern and definitely a belter. She sounds horrendous. She’s flat and hoarse and then yells. At points she sounds and looks like she’s about to cry. That only works as a strategy when you’re cute. Or, like Cher, are singing the song well
Dannii thinks it was iffy and Cheryl gives the pity praise ‘hope you’re here next week.’ Mary looks effing furious. Dermot calls her on her stinkface and she says she misses her daughter. I doubt daughter misses her. At least she only has to hear mum sing once a week now.
Wednesday 3 November 2010
Thex Factor – Halloween Week – ‘They did the Monster Mash’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Halloween week
This meant lots of silly costumes, of which Mary’s will give me nightmares forever. It also means lots of sound effects and lots of songs that are only tenuously linked to the theme. Ever the wordsmith, Dannii promised us that ‘her boys have all the tricks.’ I would have preferred more treats.
2. It is also ‘not enough credit’ week
Dannii said Aiden is ‘not given enough credit’ for singing poorly and looking mental. Every other judge thought this was a good line and it was repeated a lot. So, Matt was not given enough credit for singing like a big girl. Belle Amie were not given enough credit for singing partly in tune. Wagner was not given enough credit for twatting around on stage looking confused. Not enough credit was given to any of them! The injustice of it all!
3. There are not very scary guest performers
We have Rihanna. We have Bon Jovi, who are no longer country. We have Jamiroquai, who is still cunty. Rihanna is in great voice, by which I mean she sounds less like she has a cold than usual. She looks fucking mental though, like Cyndia Lauper crossed with a prostitute stuck in Bedlam, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Jay Kay dances the best to a song that could be from 1997 or 1977. He is very drunk and tells Dermot he wasn’t sure about appearing on the show in the first place. Bon Jovi sounds great, even though they are forced to perform with the contestants. In rather hilarious news, Wagner is interviewed by Dermot straight after and his mic is turned off. Ha! A wise choice, producers.
On with the rankings, this week with tips for personal development....
1. CHER – Sing more, rap less and cry less
Cher’s VT really sets the scene for how good her performance will be.
The judges tell us how much they like her and how she’s going to prove she can sing and not just rap. Her VT is also super-full of all the wonderful posing she does and the bizarre hair she often has. It’s like a Top Model montage, for an eliminee mind you, not for the winner. Simon is the only doomsayer: he thinks this singing lark is a risk and she may learn that risks don’t pay off.
She looks like she’s at a funeral, possibly her own. There’s only one hiccup (possibly due to her ever-impending tears) but otherwise it’s a wonderful vocal, full of Vickersian squeals and Burkian growling. The synthetic quality of her voice almost goes too: she only sounds like a Girls Aloud member once or twice. She then starts crying but doesn’t stop singing. Ace! That’s a pro! The only flaw isn’t her fault: the arrangement tries to cram too much of the song into two minutes.
Cher weeps and the judges give her a tongue bath. Dannii loves the vulnerability and Simon thinks it’s the best performance of the season. I wouldn’t go that far but she walked the night. Top marks, Cher.
2. PAIJE – Give your puddings to Liam
From his VT, we are reminded that Paije lacks star quality and needs to work on this. Useless choreographer Brian Friedman rightly thinks it is terrible advice to force star quality as you end up looking like a tool. There are also many references to how awfully he dresses. Paije sasses that one shouldn’t take fashion advice from Simon Cowell. That’s fair Paije, but then why not dress a bit better so that the judge people listen to doesn’t talk about how awfully you dress? Doesn’t that sound wise?
Onstage, Paije seems to have a much better strategy. He slays an Amy Winehouse ‘joint’ and dresses exactly like the evil boxing manager from The Simpsons. I write in my notes ‘he sings the hell out of it.’ He sounds nasal but in a fabulous, unToploadery way. It’s all quite scary and Halloweeny, like he’s an evil being doing runs and whistles that excite and dazzle.
Louis likes that he’s come alive, which is ironic when he kind of sounded undead. Simon calls him a big diva and for once doesn’t mean ‘I think you’re gay by this.’ Paije is becoming a real dark horse – he is the new John Adeleye, except without the frequent disappointment.
3. REBECCA – Go acoustic next week, please
On her VT, her speaking voice has gone crazy. It’s dropped an octave and gone the depth of a Brookside hunk. It makes me want to buy another Philip Olivier calendar, full of lurid pictures. Rebecca’s rehearsals seem to go really well – to the point that the only criticism they VT drama they can come up with is how much she wants ‘it.’
She sings Wicked Game, which has shit all to do with Halloween. I think they’ve got confused with Wicked, the musical. She’s doing it as a Toni Braxton ballad, complete with snare drums. Her eyes stay closed for much of it but she doesn’t look half as batshit at Aiden. She’s also dressed as Boy George, who is terrifying in his way so at least she’s keeping to the theme in one sense.
Louis tells Rebecca and the audience that if she won it would legitimise the contest. Ha! She will undo the harm done by the dregs last year. Dannii wants to listen to her on repeat and Simon thinks she’s a repeat of Leona. But in a good way.
4. MATT – Sing a song by a man, you Jessie
His VT begins with him having fans and singing well. This is how winners’ VTs begin. Apart from Leon’s of course. We learn this week he’s covering Leona and ‘a song you just don’t touch.’ Simon has doubts he’ll be able to pull it off. About two minutes before he’ll say it was amazing.
Again, he sounds bad indie nasal on the verses. It’s a little wimpy, even though it’s brave to make a graven image of Leona in her holy temple. There is the constant threat he’ll start botching the notes because he looks so uncomfortable. There are two verses of it being fine then a climax of him wailing a few times. He even comes up with new ways to shriek and wail during a song that came with enough of that already.
Louis isn’t loving it as much this week. Simon likes the originality and the giving of 110%, which is Matt’s first pity praise of the season. Dannii takes the opportunity to praise Matt rightly and point out that it’s good not to be directionless and desperate. More on that point when we get to Treyc.
5. AIDEN – Tell the police where you put the bodies, you’ll feel better
His VT tells us that he’s been given the most recognisable spooky song ever. I suppose they weren’t ever going to make the serial killer be subtle on Halloween.
He’s ‘singing’ Thriller. Is it the Imogen Heap version? Does anyone know? It’s not the Michael Jackson arrangment and we can safely assume neither he nor Dannii have come up with something original. He’s wearing goth eye make up – not just a bit of trendy guyliner I hasten to add– he’s caked in it. He continues to whine and close his eyes and look into his camera as if he’s just done a really, really bad thing to the baby at number 17. He actually sounds pretty good and even though it’s terrifying and doesn’t quite work, it’s about a million times better than Mary.
The judges completely disagree with me. Cheryl thinks he’s a joyless goon and Simon thinks the performance was indulgent. This could have been said about him any week so I don’t know why they’ve waited until his best performance to say it. I can’t see Aiden making the top five anymore.
6. KATIE – If you have to try to be kooky, and have to tell people you are, then you’re not
Her VT is all about the judges enjoying her and her quirkiness. There is no mention of the endless tabloid stories about her sluttish ways. I guess after last’s week triumph the editors have changed their tactics.
Once gain she’s dressed like a wannabe Gaga. She has enormous grey eyelashes and a chess piece hat, like a Gaga VMA outfit gone Primark. She sings Bewitched over the world’s cheapest backing track. The lightness and cheesiness of the vocal doesn’t suit the terrifying witch styling at all. Her vocal this week is a bit simpering too – it’s nowhere near as fun as last week. It’s also not fun or dare I say kooky. It’s just a wimpy cover of an irrelevant, plodding song.
Dannii hates the make up but other than that the judges think it was good as last week. I’m not sure they understood why last week was good then. Simon says she reminds him of Gwen Stefani. Apparently Katie and Gwen are part of a new generation of ‘fun’ popstar. Oh please Simon. Katie is not a member of Gwen’s generation, even with Katie’s grinny chin confusing matters. Gwen is old enough to be Katie’s mother. Gwen is fun though, like an Aunt who makes honey and has an undiagnosed personality disorder.
Katie is in the bottom two because boring performances win as few fans as those tabloid articles about how big a skank you are. Before her singoff, Katie sleepwalks onto stage with a very practised sad face. She’s singing her second Etta James song this month, third total. She wails and hiccups like a baby. It’s not very pleasant but I admire her for trying to sing her way back into the running. She looks desperate to cry for most of it and then does so for real once it’s over. Better than Belle Amie but not good enough in the real world.
7. ONE DIRECTION – Attractive ones, have sex with each other. Liam, finish your dinners.
In their VT, they whinge about Louis’s comments last week that they’re getting all Simon’s attention. They don’t feel sorry for the ignored Belle Amie girls, mind you They’re just annoyed they might be coming off badly.
They’re singing Total Eclipse of the Heart and, in some shameless fanbase cross-pollination, they’re dressed as vampires. They’re all wearing red eye liner that makes it look like they have conjunctivitis. Or, in Liam’s case, like he’s been making himself sick again. They’re doing a strange half dance remix of the song, which just makes it sound a little like Viva La Vida. (JERUSALURRRM!) It is a little weak. For two weeks in a row, not enough excitement, too much Liam solo.
Cheryl says they’ve got a long way to go. Ha! I think she means they’ll go a long way. Simon praises their work ethic and Liam looks emaciated. Business as usual then.
8. BELLE AMIE – Don’t pursue this as a career. Get a job.
We see a VT of them smiling, laughing and cuddling. As if they actually get on. In said VT, they also promise us they are going to have fun. I suppose that is all girls just wanna have.
Onstage, they walk out of graves and then begin to do bad things to Bananarama’s venus. Not as bad as the things Aidan’s cat told him to do to the neighbours but not good. One of the girls is very off and very loud. It does improve however but there isn’t much too exciting about it. I’m not asking for runs and falsetto but some passion or quirks or prowess would have been welcome.
Dannii says she didn’t love the vocals and one of the girls give her a devil’s stare. Cheryl isn’t excited either and Simon implies they are catty, woman-hating bitches. This may be true but Belle Amie are the pits so I side with the lady judges on this one.
They land in the bottom two to the surprise of no one and choose to sing Breakaway. It’s a song that sounds weak even when Kelly Clarkson sings it but they easily make it much worse. The chorus is fine because they belt so loudly that they drown one another’s flaws out. Anything requiring subtlety is botched royally. They are eliminated and I shan’t miss them.
9. TREYC – Drop the ‘tude
Her VT recaps her trip to the bottom two. Apparently this trip was because she performed an old song and nothing to do with how wonkily she sang it. She also had a ‘panic attack’ after the sing off. This must have lasted about ten seconds because it didn’t interrupt the live show in any way. Or, it must be completely made up.
On stage she hollers her way through Relight My Fire, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. After weeks of being a poor-man’s Maria Lawson, this week she’s moved onto being a poor-man’s Alexandra Burke. The tranny styling and dancing and covering a song Alexandra nailed doesn’t help at all. Neither does the fact she’s a shrill, indistinguishable singer.
Dannii says she could sing anyone off the stage. Well, I’d run off the stage if she started singing so I guess that’s true. Simon says he can’t fault the vocal, possibly because he wasn’t really listening. Both Dannii and Simon think she’s a jack of all trades (flicking randomly and desperately from disco to rock to pop) and master of none. Simon also thinks she’s not being mentored and is just a singing monkey, rather than a future artist. Treyc then sasses Dannii because a) she’s a twat and b) she wouldn’t dare sass Simon, even though he said worse. It’s rare and unhealthy but I can’t wait to see her be eliminated: she will be indignant and completely unaware that she’s an iffy singer with zero relevance.
10. MARY – Fuck right off
As it’s Halloween, we see in her VT a truly terrifying monster singing last week. When she lifts her head and shouts, she looks exactly like a pasty Princess Fiona.
We rewatch the judges feedback that she’s old and boring. She says this was fair and she’ll take it on board. By singing Barry Manilow, which is not modern or interesting. And, also, not really scary.
She wears devil horns on stage and she looks like she’s on the world’s ugliest hen night. She bellows while gay dancers are behind her in cages. She’s actually screaming – when she emphatically yells ‘Now!’ she sounds like a teacher who’s about to throw a board rubber. Or possibly shoot the child.
Dannii says it was incredible and the audience chant her name as if something different just happened. I don’t know what I’m missing. Even Simon loved it. Cheryl is the only one to question the song choice. Mary stands looking smug and then explains to Dermot how good she was as her bingo wings jiggle. Yuk.
11. WAGNER – Return the call when the ITV2 Reality Department get in touch
In his VT, Wagner says that the British public like him. Oh if he only had a brain. Apparently he’s showing off her operatic voice tonight and will show us all he can sing. Simon isn’t worried.
I thought it was going to be a total cop out and he’d do some Phantom – but in fact he tries to sing O Fortuna. But it quickly a different sort of cop out when it, of course, becomes a medley. With Bat Out of Hell. He’s always about a line behind the backing singers. You can hear the guidance track throughout, even though Wagner is shouting. I love how his whole body vibrates when he sings. He’s dressed a toreador with blood dripping out of one eye. His slutty dancers do not rub or flash their tits this week but instead form a daisy chain. That’s PG for them
Dannii likes the costumes and ‘wasn’t expecting’ the performance. She quotes Kath & Kim and no one understands. Cheryl says it was out of time. Simon just says ‘what the hell was that’ which is a just bit rude. Leave the snark to Thexy, Simon. You’re too good for it.
1. It is Halloween week
This meant lots of silly costumes, of which Mary’s will give me nightmares forever. It also means lots of sound effects and lots of songs that are only tenuously linked to the theme. Ever the wordsmith, Dannii promised us that ‘her boys have all the tricks.’ I would have preferred more treats.
2. It is also ‘not enough credit’ week
Dannii said Aiden is ‘not given enough credit’ for singing poorly and looking mental. Every other judge thought this was a good line and it was repeated a lot. So, Matt was not given enough credit for singing like a big girl. Belle Amie were not given enough credit for singing partly in tune. Wagner was not given enough credit for twatting around on stage looking confused. Not enough credit was given to any of them! The injustice of it all!
3. There are not very scary guest performers
We have Rihanna. We have Bon Jovi, who are no longer country. We have Jamiroquai, who is still cunty. Rihanna is in great voice, by which I mean she sounds less like she has a cold than usual. She looks fucking mental though, like Cyndia Lauper crossed with a prostitute stuck in Bedlam, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Jay Kay dances the best to a song that could be from 1997 or 1977. He is very drunk and tells Dermot he wasn’t sure about appearing on the show in the first place. Bon Jovi sounds great, even though they are forced to perform with the contestants. In rather hilarious news, Wagner is interviewed by Dermot straight after and his mic is turned off. Ha! A wise choice, producers.
On with the rankings, this week with tips for personal development....
1. CHER – Sing more, rap less and cry less
Cher’s VT really sets the scene for how good her performance will be.
The judges tell us how much they like her and how she’s going to prove she can sing and not just rap. Her VT is also super-full of all the wonderful posing she does and the bizarre hair she often has. It’s like a Top Model montage, for an eliminee mind you, not for the winner. Simon is the only doomsayer: he thinks this singing lark is a risk and she may learn that risks don’t pay off.
She looks like she’s at a funeral, possibly her own. There’s only one hiccup (possibly due to her ever-impending tears) but otherwise it’s a wonderful vocal, full of Vickersian squeals and Burkian growling. The synthetic quality of her voice almost goes too: she only sounds like a Girls Aloud member once or twice. She then starts crying but doesn’t stop singing. Ace! That’s a pro! The only flaw isn’t her fault: the arrangement tries to cram too much of the song into two minutes.
Cher weeps and the judges give her a tongue bath. Dannii loves the vulnerability and Simon thinks it’s the best performance of the season. I wouldn’t go that far but she walked the night. Top marks, Cher.
2. PAIJE – Give your puddings to Liam
From his VT, we are reminded that Paije lacks star quality and needs to work on this. Useless choreographer Brian Friedman rightly thinks it is terrible advice to force star quality as you end up looking like a tool. There are also many references to how awfully he dresses. Paije sasses that one shouldn’t take fashion advice from Simon Cowell. That’s fair Paije, but then why not dress a bit better so that the judge people listen to doesn’t talk about how awfully you dress? Doesn’t that sound wise?
Onstage, Paije seems to have a much better strategy. He slays an Amy Winehouse ‘joint’ and dresses exactly like the evil boxing manager from The Simpsons. I write in my notes ‘he sings the hell out of it.’ He sounds nasal but in a fabulous, unToploadery way. It’s all quite scary and Halloweeny, like he’s an evil being doing runs and whistles that excite and dazzle.
Louis likes that he’s come alive, which is ironic when he kind of sounded undead. Simon calls him a big diva and for once doesn’t mean ‘I think you’re gay by this.’ Paije is becoming a real dark horse – he is the new John Adeleye, except without the frequent disappointment.
3. REBECCA – Go acoustic next week, please
On her VT, her speaking voice has gone crazy. It’s dropped an octave and gone the depth of a Brookside hunk. It makes me want to buy another Philip Olivier calendar, full of lurid pictures. Rebecca’s rehearsals seem to go really well – to the point that the only criticism they VT drama they can come up with is how much she wants ‘it.’
She sings Wicked Game, which has shit all to do with Halloween. I think they’ve got confused with Wicked, the musical. She’s doing it as a Toni Braxton ballad, complete with snare drums. Her eyes stay closed for much of it but she doesn’t look half as batshit at Aiden. She’s also dressed as Boy George, who is terrifying in his way so at least she’s keeping to the theme in one sense.
Louis tells Rebecca and the audience that if she won it would legitimise the contest. Ha! She will undo the harm done by the dregs last year. Dannii wants to listen to her on repeat and Simon thinks she’s a repeat of Leona. But in a good way.
4. MATT – Sing a song by a man, you Jessie
His VT begins with him having fans and singing well. This is how winners’ VTs begin. Apart from Leon’s of course. We learn this week he’s covering Leona and ‘a song you just don’t touch.’ Simon has doubts he’ll be able to pull it off. About two minutes before he’ll say it was amazing.
Again, he sounds bad indie nasal on the verses. It’s a little wimpy, even though it’s brave to make a graven image of Leona in her holy temple. There is the constant threat he’ll start botching the notes because he looks so uncomfortable. There are two verses of it being fine then a climax of him wailing a few times. He even comes up with new ways to shriek and wail during a song that came with enough of that already.
Louis isn’t loving it as much this week. Simon likes the originality and the giving of 110%, which is Matt’s first pity praise of the season. Dannii takes the opportunity to praise Matt rightly and point out that it’s good not to be directionless and desperate. More on that point when we get to Treyc.
5. AIDEN – Tell the police where you put the bodies, you’ll feel better
His VT tells us that he’s been given the most recognisable spooky song ever. I suppose they weren’t ever going to make the serial killer be subtle on Halloween.
He’s ‘singing’ Thriller. Is it the Imogen Heap version? Does anyone know? It’s not the Michael Jackson arrangment and we can safely assume neither he nor Dannii have come up with something original. He’s wearing goth eye make up – not just a bit of trendy guyliner I hasten to add– he’s caked in it. He continues to whine and close his eyes and look into his camera as if he’s just done a really, really bad thing to the baby at number 17. He actually sounds pretty good and even though it’s terrifying and doesn’t quite work, it’s about a million times better than Mary.
The judges completely disagree with me. Cheryl thinks he’s a joyless goon and Simon thinks the performance was indulgent. This could have been said about him any week so I don’t know why they’ve waited until his best performance to say it. I can’t see Aiden making the top five anymore.
6. KATIE – If you have to try to be kooky, and have to tell people you are, then you’re not
Her VT is all about the judges enjoying her and her quirkiness. There is no mention of the endless tabloid stories about her sluttish ways. I guess after last’s week triumph the editors have changed their tactics.
Once gain she’s dressed like a wannabe Gaga. She has enormous grey eyelashes and a chess piece hat, like a Gaga VMA outfit gone Primark. She sings Bewitched over the world’s cheapest backing track. The lightness and cheesiness of the vocal doesn’t suit the terrifying witch styling at all. Her vocal this week is a bit simpering too – it’s nowhere near as fun as last week. It’s also not fun or dare I say kooky. It’s just a wimpy cover of an irrelevant, plodding song.
Dannii hates the make up but other than that the judges think it was good as last week. I’m not sure they understood why last week was good then. Simon says she reminds him of Gwen Stefani. Apparently Katie and Gwen are part of a new generation of ‘fun’ popstar. Oh please Simon. Katie is not a member of Gwen’s generation, even with Katie’s grinny chin confusing matters. Gwen is old enough to be Katie’s mother. Gwen is fun though, like an Aunt who makes honey and has an undiagnosed personality disorder.
Katie is in the bottom two because boring performances win as few fans as those tabloid articles about how big a skank you are. Before her singoff, Katie sleepwalks onto stage with a very practised sad face. She’s singing her second Etta James song this month, third total. She wails and hiccups like a baby. It’s not very pleasant but I admire her for trying to sing her way back into the running. She looks desperate to cry for most of it and then does so for real once it’s over. Better than Belle Amie but not good enough in the real world.
7. ONE DIRECTION – Attractive ones, have sex with each other. Liam, finish your dinners.
In their VT, they whinge about Louis’s comments last week that they’re getting all Simon’s attention. They don’t feel sorry for the ignored Belle Amie girls, mind you They’re just annoyed they might be coming off badly.
They’re singing Total Eclipse of the Heart and, in some shameless fanbase cross-pollination, they’re dressed as vampires. They’re all wearing red eye liner that makes it look like they have conjunctivitis. Or, in Liam’s case, like he’s been making himself sick again. They’re doing a strange half dance remix of the song, which just makes it sound a little like Viva La Vida. (JERUSALURRRM!) It is a little weak. For two weeks in a row, not enough excitement, too much Liam solo.
Cheryl says they’ve got a long way to go. Ha! I think she means they’ll go a long way. Simon praises their work ethic and Liam looks emaciated. Business as usual then.
8. BELLE AMIE – Don’t pursue this as a career. Get a job.
We see a VT of them smiling, laughing and cuddling. As if they actually get on. In said VT, they also promise us they are going to have fun. I suppose that is all girls just wanna have.
Onstage, they walk out of graves and then begin to do bad things to Bananarama’s venus. Not as bad as the things Aidan’s cat told him to do to the neighbours but not good. One of the girls is very off and very loud. It does improve however but there isn’t much too exciting about it. I’m not asking for runs and falsetto but some passion or quirks or prowess would have been welcome.
Dannii says she didn’t love the vocals and one of the girls give her a devil’s stare. Cheryl isn’t excited either and Simon implies they are catty, woman-hating bitches. This may be true but Belle Amie are the pits so I side with the lady judges on this one.
They land in the bottom two to the surprise of no one and choose to sing Breakaway. It’s a song that sounds weak even when Kelly Clarkson sings it but they easily make it much worse. The chorus is fine because they belt so loudly that they drown one another’s flaws out. Anything requiring subtlety is botched royally. They are eliminated and I shan’t miss them.
9. TREYC – Drop the ‘tude
Her VT recaps her trip to the bottom two. Apparently this trip was because she performed an old song and nothing to do with how wonkily she sang it. She also had a ‘panic attack’ after the sing off. This must have lasted about ten seconds because it didn’t interrupt the live show in any way. Or, it must be completely made up.
On stage she hollers her way through Relight My Fire, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. After weeks of being a poor-man’s Maria Lawson, this week she’s moved onto being a poor-man’s Alexandra Burke. The tranny styling and dancing and covering a song Alexandra nailed doesn’t help at all. Neither does the fact she’s a shrill, indistinguishable singer.
Dannii says she could sing anyone off the stage. Well, I’d run off the stage if she started singing so I guess that’s true. Simon says he can’t fault the vocal, possibly because he wasn’t really listening. Both Dannii and Simon think she’s a jack of all trades (flicking randomly and desperately from disco to rock to pop) and master of none. Simon also thinks she’s not being mentored and is just a singing monkey, rather than a future artist. Treyc then sasses Dannii because a) she’s a twat and b) she wouldn’t dare sass Simon, even though he said worse. It’s rare and unhealthy but I can’t wait to see her be eliminated: she will be indignant and completely unaware that she’s an iffy singer with zero relevance.
10. MARY – Fuck right off
As it’s Halloween, we see in her VT a truly terrifying monster singing last week. When she lifts her head and shouts, she looks exactly like a pasty Princess Fiona.
We rewatch the judges feedback that she’s old and boring. She says this was fair and she’ll take it on board. By singing Barry Manilow, which is not modern or interesting. And, also, not really scary.
She wears devil horns on stage and she looks like she’s on the world’s ugliest hen night. She bellows while gay dancers are behind her in cages. She’s actually screaming – when she emphatically yells ‘Now!’ she sounds like a teacher who’s about to throw a board rubber. Or possibly shoot the child.
Dannii says it was incredible and the audience chant her name as if something different just happened. I don’t know what I’m missing. Even Simon loved it. Cheryl is the only one to question the song choice. Mary stands looking smug and then explains to Dermot how good she was as her bingo wings jiggle. Yuk.
11. WAGNER – Return the call when the ITV2 Reality Department get in touch
In his VT, Wagner says that the British public like him. Oh if he only had a brain. Apparently he’s showing off her operatic voice tonight and will show us all he can sing. Simon isn’t worried.
I thought it was going to be a total cop out and he’d do some Phantom – but in fact he tries to sing O Fortuna. But it quickly a different sort of cop out when it, of course, becomes a medley. With Bat Out of Hell. He’s always about a line behind the backing singers. You can hear the guidance track throughout, even though Wagner is shouting. I love how his whole body vibrates when he sings. He’s dressed a toreador with blood dripping out of one eye. His slutty dancers do not rub or flash their tits this week but instead form a daisy chain. That’s PG for them
Dannii likes the costumes and ‘wasn’t expecting’ the performance. She quotes Kath & Kim and no one understands. Cheryl says it was out of time. Simon just says ‘what the hell was that’ which is a just bit rude. Leave the snark to Thexy, Simon. You’re too good for it.
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