Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Cos I Am The Mob’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. I feel sorry for Dannii Minogue
Britain’s favourite Australian X Factor judge doesn’t seem to be enjoying it any more. Kylie’s not ill and brave any more – and Sharon’s not sticking her head in the toilet and then texting the pictures to Louis – so I don’t know what the problem is. The other judges are celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, celebrity hobbit Louis Walsh and celebrity sleaze Simon Cowell. I like all the judges now. For all the right reasons, it’s a yes from me.

2. I feel sorry for the auditioners
They now audition in front of a theatre crowd on top of a karaoke backing track. This has been written elsewhere but, with this new format, the show now feels like Britain’s Got Talent without the jugglers and not the wonderful contest it once was.
Now rather than seeing the judges trying to stay composed and sharing wry glances, we have to see very ugly women cackling in the audience. I’d never seen so much otter-slick hair in one night and I felt quite sick.
And, to add insult to injury, we have to see the audience giving a nigh-on-constant standing ovation. (Trolls, if you do it for every good song, it means nothing. It’s like when Simon says something every week is the best performance ever. NOTHING.)

3. I am looking for guest columnists
We had some good ones last year but this year the talent should be even better. Do you have a dead relative you can mention a lot to win people over? Is this your last chance to be a guest columnist? Do you want a better life for you and your mother or children? Did you decide long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow? Then e-mail me at timrussell641@btinternet.com and there can be miracles when you believe and you’ll be a guest columnist. Unless you’re shit. Natch.

There were only 7 full auditions this week. I think they were in Birmingham but the judges’ outfits changed after every song so the auditions we saw last night could have been on any day or any city. Suffice to say, there were a fuck load of montages.
On with the rankings….

1. MISS FITZ – ‘I did it my waaaaaaaay’
One of these girls auditioned solo awesomely and got through to the judge’s homes stage way back in 2006. But she got no further because she wasn’t as extremely horsey or Mariahy as Leona Lewis. She’s back now with two slightly ropey white-to-orange women who she met through a newspaper.
I can see it now.
“SW seeks ugly Wx2, gsoh for girl band, maybe more. Likes covers, cinema. Dislikes girls who steal focus.’
Yes, these girls have a stupid name but their audition was smart as. They deftly rearranged Toxic as an Andrews Sisters, big band singalong. With RnB wailing. It was ‘Mama Do’ meets ironic Live Lounge cover meets En Vogue. It was awesome and very modern and quite possibly my favourite audition ever. Or at least on a par with Ashley McKenzie or Althea Gaye or the beautifully horsey Leona Lewis.
My only fear is they’ll be expected to do a genre-busting cover every week. They’ll get criticised if they don’t or become boring if they do. I hope they can dodge that bullet. They are my new favourites.

2. ROZELLE – ‘I’m a little material, got bling, bling’
Rozelle is from Trinidad and Tobego, which we heard pronounced about eleven different ways. The accent is big and the jewellery is bigger and the hair is like that of a Next Top Model ghetto girl before she gets a new weave in episode three. She weeps before and after her audition. (It’s something to do with her grandmother who I believe is alive.) She grins during the audition because the crowd are whooping and/or because she’s pleased with her vocal.
She sang Jennifer Hudson very well. It was very copycat at times and there were some flaws but even the undeniably horsey Leona Lewis did a few tuneless yelps in her time. This was a strong audition but I’m left with some doubts. She may just be a shouter. Speaking of which, we have number three…

3. JAMIE – ‘And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love me’
What the fuck was this? And by ‘this,’ I mean him. He looks cracked up and coked out and he has the skin of a cartoon lizard. And his afro was not cool. A good afro is big and round, like an ostentatious toilet brush. His afro seemed to have flaps and attachments.
He sang Sex on Fire in a 5% RnB way, 95% idiot karaoke way. There was yelling and shouting. And, yet, the judges loved it. He also tossed his mic about and pranced around like Danyl ‘Ooh, I’m a bit gay, I am’ Something from last week. He even entreated the audience to sing along but they were too busy pickpocketing each other so this plan failed.
The performance had all the subtlety of an AIDS needle. Or emo poetry.
He ranks highly because the singing was mainly in tune but I think he is a tool.

4. DARYL – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven’
This man’s VT started off well. He missed last year’s audition because it was the same day as his brother’s wedding. Because family come first? And he’s back this year to make up for it? What a nice man! And what a nice, not at all exploitative back story?
Wrong! Because this man has two back stories. Because his brother’s DEAD. And not just a bit dead. He’s not even alive at all any more. The brother died just weeks after the wedding and now this poor singing man has to raise his nephew. Communal weeping commences, both on the VT and on stage, after we learn this news.
You knew he was going through. It didn’t matter that he sang very badly. Simon winked at him and then the nephew ran on stage to hug him. Yuk.
If he gets far, I will have to call him Deadbruv.

5. BEHROUZ – ‘What time is it? It’s Chico time’
Yes, we have this year’s Chico. A silly novelty act. Or, a Rhydian who can’t sing. Or, a Same Difference if Same Difference weren’t so funked out, shit hot awesome. (Seriously, your ass be tore up if you chat shit about Same Difference. They’re my favourite sibling duo ever.)
As this show has become a disjointed gong show just like Britain’s Got Talent, it makes sense they’ve put through Behrouz – a man who’s as funny as an anal fissure – just for a laugh.
He sang Scissor Sisters very poorly and had mad, staring eyes. He also pranced around the stage just like Jamie with the shit afro or Danyl ‘Ooh, I love a bit of cock, I do’ Something from last week.
What is with all the prancing? Just because there’s an audience of – whisper it – working class people there doesn’t mean you have to prance. It’s not the law ‘down’t local.’
Behrouz gets 3 yeses. Simon is not happy. But then Simon stormed off set after Chico auditioned, and roughed Louis up in a corridor, so Chico 2 has done quite well.

And with that, it becomes clear that my top 5 are all the people who got through. So, now for the crap ones.

6. ALAN – ‘And then it knocks you down, just back up, and then it knocks you down’
First auditionee of the night Alan was ‘amusing’ because he needed to stare at his watch to know when to start. When he did, he sang poorly.He told us he did karaoke and was told he ‘sang reasonable.’ And he wants to be rich enough to buy his council house. I’m not sure why we had to watch him be disappointed because he wasn’t so bad he was funny or so arrogant he needed telling. He was just a man in the wrong place. Why the producers put him through is beyond me.

7. THE STUNNERS – ‘U G L Y, you ain’t got no alibi’
Same goes for The Stunners. Now, they were pretty bad and the strange noises they made were sort of funny. And, yes, they were pretty deluded and compared themselves to Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera (who’s had more dick in her than Danyl ‘I don’t like labels, I just love cock’ Something from last week).
But the big joke here was they were ugly. Like, really ugly. One was pasty and one was boss-eyed. And they were called The Stunners. Lol. Now that’s really funny.
Do you get it? Do you? Why aren’t you laughing?
Come on, it’s really funny.
Or, it’s just a bit lame.

Danyl is a gay.

Well - sort of. He's told The News of the World that he dates men and women! The lucky dog!
The Newspaper he told seems like an odd choice but I suppose they pay the most for the scoop. And somewhere like the Guardian would just want to ask him about Dafur and Obama's healthcare plans. The Sun would be up for just talking cock.

I may start a petition that he covers Single Ladies one week.

Thex Factor - Auditions 1 - ‘Kill the beast! Kill the beast!’

These are the salient facts before we begin….

1. Ha! Thex Factor is back
And thank the Lord I say. Yes, the legitimate face of my writing ‘career’ returns. Gone are the days of writing unpublishable fiction for fuck-all reward. Here are the days of ranking reality TV tosspots singing covers. I am so thrilled.

2. All our favourite judges are back
Cheryl Cole is now bright orange and continues to be the nation’s sweetheart. Simon Cowell likes hyperbole as much now as ever. In fact, his use of hyperbole on last night’s show was the best use of hyperbole I have seen in any series of any show ever. Dannii Minogue is a shell of the woman she once was and, at times, has a Brigitte Nielson hairdo. Louis Walsh is happy and has clearly got over that time he was sacked a few years ago.

3. We are at the auditions stage
You need 3 yeses from 4 judges to get through to the next round. There will be categories and mentors but we don’t need to worry about that for a few weeks. I will explain all that business very slowly when needed, as if I’m talking to a foreign exchange student. DO YOU LIKE THE CINEMA?

4.The audition format has changed
Now they have to sing in front of a live audience. When they start booing and laughing, it’s very uncomfortable. Where people were once humiliating themselves in front of a distant audience of millions, they’re now doing it in front of a theatre of rent-a-chavs and a distant audience of millions and it feels far worse. They also now can sing over a very cheap backing track.
I am really not happy about this move as my favourites on this show are often the quiet, folksy ones like Diana Vickers and Kris Allen rather than the polished cruise ship singers. I like my artists to be a bit nervous and cracked rather than desperate for the applause of some tools.

In ninety minutes of solid gold entertainment on ITV1, we only got to see nine full auditions. Sass and montages filled out the rest of the time. There was also 1 quite good person on the ITV2 show who merits inclusion. Contestants are judged on ‘the talent,’ ‘the drama’ and ‘the lolz.’

On with the rankings….

1. DANYL – ‘We don’t need no education’
He sang Joe Cocker and wore silly shorts with white socks. He bounced around and juggled his microphone. He was tacky as fuck and so I feel a little guilty about putting him first. I also know over the coming months there will be lots of references to him being a teacher and kids reaching for their dreams and I will feel very queasy. He was a fine singer and wailed very pleasantly at times but he was not as exciting as the judges made out. He was just the best of the worst.
Simon said it was the best first audition he’d ever seen. Someone needs to tell Simon to temper his praise. He reminds me of a fifteen year old girl on a forum saying Ne Yo’s new single is actually, blatantly, basically the BEST SONG EVA!!!!!!!!!!
My advice to Danyl: stop mugging and concentrate on the singing. Also, try and procure a dead wife.

2. DUANE / TWO SONG JOHNNY – ‘It was acceptable at the time’
He sang Marvin Gaye and was the best of the night up until Danyl was the best thing ever to sing near Simon Cowell wearing socks or whatever. I agreed with Simon’s criticism that he wasn’t contemporary but I was just grateful he could sing.
Duane was a good sport. He was made to sing another song and couldn’t think of one. Besides Happy Birthday. After some prompts from the judges, he launched into Beyoncé’s Broken Hearted Girl. Ha! I love that we have a genderbender so early in the competition. I give Duane ‘mad props’ for singing unrehearsed, especially after his first choice was criticised. One to watch
My advice to Duane: do a cover of a modern rock song. The judges will go nuts for it.

3. STACEY – ‘They call me Stacey’
That’s not her name! That's not her name! Oh wait, it is. Essex Girl Stacey has an infectious personality and a child and a busted nose. When they played ‘Saturday Night’ by Whigfield during her interview, I thought this girl was being set up for a fall. Turns out she was quite good.
She sang ‘What A Wonderful World’ in tune (Hurrah!) and with a bit of restraint (Hurrah, part two!). I know looking for originality during a karaoke contest sounds ridiculous but that is what Stacey lacks so far. Her speaking voice is ace though. I wish her well.
My advice to Stacey: do a cover of a modern girl rock song. The judges will go nuts for it. Again. They’re not hard to please.

4. ITV2 GIRL – ‘Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?’
I can’t remember her name. Was it Marie Claire? Anyway she looked like Holly Willoughby and sang Norah Jones. No wonder she was pleasant but forgettable then.
My advice to ITV2 Girl: do a cover of anything. It won’t help me remember your name

5. KYLE – ‘I’m super, thanks for asking’
We’re on to the shit people now. The first three of these ones were at least funny. Kyle introduced himself as Scotland’s number one Girls Aloud fan. He dresses like Scotland’s gayest MCR fan but we’ll have to take his word for it. He sings Untouchable by Girls Aloud in a voice higher than the screams of someone Cheryl’s beating up in a toilet. He’s stopped and then sasses Simon and starts again. They’re nice to him but he is really, really shit. He gets a pity Yes from Cheryl. She knows how to keep her target audience happy.
My advice to Kyle: find a better role model than Cheryl Cole. She is a thug

6. TRIPLE TROUBLE – ‘Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker’
These teens were awesome. They came on the show to show that not all teenagers live for knife crime and that, really, as a group, the yoot get a bad rap.
They sing Umbrella poorly and are then moderately criticised. The man from Triple Trouble then feels ‘disrespected’ and rants at Simon about nothing in particular. They’re booed off stage by rent-a-mob and someone throws a microphone. Then the man from Triple Trouble threatens the judges with gang violence. But from a safe distance.
I would pay good money to see them again. Or to see Cheryl take them in a fight. They pick the toilet. She brings the pain.

7. THE TWINS – ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.’
I don’t think they’ve got an official band name yet. One is called Edward. They both look exactly like Edward from Twilight. I think he’s British so it’s not inconceivable that he has secret twin brothers who love doing Backstreet Boys covers. They’re not really in tune and they keep asking the audience if, or telling the audience that, they’re having a good time. I don’t like them. I wonder how I can get them to go away.
Chant and smash a mirror?
Butlins. Butlins. Butlins. Crash.
My advice to The Twins: make twin porn. It might be hot and you’d probably make a bit more money that way.

8. DREAMGIRLS – ‘Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it: Vogue!’
They were Lithuanian models. They were twins I think or sisters or else friends with similar taste in facial features. They did look quite acely modelesque and like they were on heroine and had three eating disorders between them. They sang Angels very badly and the judges didn’t laugh. The judges instead looked bored and uncomfortable.
It felt very cruel making them do this in front of a live audience.
My advice to The Dreamgirls: know your angles? Smile with your eyes? I’ll e-mail Tyra Banks and get back to you. They’re not going to be singers.

9. JOSEPH – ‘The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar’
He’s a way aye, lovable lad from Newcastle man. He just did some karaoke one night and found out he was a right canny singer.
Bullshit. He’s been in stage school and blowing stage musical directors his whole childhood. Don’t lie to me, Television.
He’s really red faced and creepy and sings Luther Vandross. And he’s how old? Ghastly. Just ghastly. Four yeses from the judges. He’s the new Ray Quinn or Eoghan Quigg. A shit popstar that comes spayed and with an accent.

10. SISTER ACT – ‘Fat bottomed girls, something, something, something’
The very fat, doll-faced girl from Manchester is back. Emma. And this time she’s brought her sister. I loathed this whole segment and I have many reasons:
a. They can’t sing but not really in a funny way, like with Kyle.
b. They’re a bit aggressive and mardy.
c. The joke’s got old. This is the third time I think Emma’s waddled in front of Simon et al
d. I kept thinking it was copyright infringement that they were called Sister Act. It was distracting
e. They couldn’t pronounce Mariah Carey. It’s not a hard name to say
f. The only reason she’s on screen is because she’s really, really fat and because some people find it funny that some people are really, really fat. This turns my stomach just as much as looking at someone that fat does.
Watch it jiggle.

Review: JLS – Beat Again

Now that the single’s slipping down the charts, I feel able to review it. Back when it was #1, I didn’t feel able to do much. I couldn’t eat, sew or keep up with my masturbatory schedule in a world where Jack the Lad Swing were #1.

And they were #1. And sold lots of copies. Not quite as many as that drag queen who covered ‘Hallelujah but still lots.

The song is a bit of a nothing. It’s very obvious and busy – and you can kind of guess what all the rhyming words are going to be – but it’s not really catchy. I couldn’t sing it to you now if you paid me and there was also a cake involved.

In terms of genre, it’s very synthy and has lots of plinky plonky bits. And it’s as gangsta as the boys can get without swearing or having any sort of authenticity. Lyrically, it’s in a Bleeding Love vein with funerals and Doctors giving very grim prognoses. But all this gore is a metaphor for emotions! Emotions towards slutty girls!

Speaking of which, there are no slutty dancers in this video at all. They couldn’t afford extras. Ha! The song sounds as cheap as sweatshop socks so that makes sense. Without dancers, the boys are forced to dry hump air which looks very odd. The Jack the Lad Swing boys feel compelled to lift their shirts at one point (but not in a shirt-lifter way) and squint to look ‘surly and a bit sexy.’ They’re not very good at squinting and so look ‘unwell and a bit concerned this song has no melody.’

Its B-side is their lifeless cover of Umbrella. Just like the one they did on the show! Which is a lovely memento for their fans. Putting a cover as a B-side is a much smarter idea than releasing a whole album of lifeless covers. Like Eoghan did.

And even JLS said that was whack. Blood.