1. It is guilty pleasures week
For our benefit, Dermot defines the term and says they’ll be singing a song they secretly love. Except I doubt they do love their songs. I doubt all of them had even heard their songs before. This would work as a theme if the contestants picked the songs themselves and therefore might have some sort of response to them.
2. Week 3 is an important one
And it’s usually Big Bang week on week 3. The fact that it’s not makes it even weirder that the Buble is a guest singer. (He is awesome, as always.) Anyway, week three as Simon rightly notes a few times is also the week that the winners sometimes emerge. It was the first time Leon won praise. It was the first week Alexandra tranned around. It was the week Leona squealed her way ‘Summertime’ and it was the week Danyl was in the bottom two and the frightful worries he might win were wonderfully destroyed.
Dannii promises this week will be ‘all guns blazing’ and that Aiden, Matt and Paije will triumph. I think the last thing Dannii should do is refer to Aiden and weapons in the same sentences. It’ll only give his serial killer persona more weight
3. Cheryl also performed
It is debatable whether she was singing live. It is not worth debating that the quality of the singing was quite weak. The song itself has a bit more to it than Fight For This Love but the big notes are a horrorshow. She also looks nervous as all hell. She makes Aiden look more relaxed by comparison. But even she cannot make Aiden look less like he’s just drowned his sister. “I thought she was a mermaid, Mummy! Honestly I did!”
On with the rankings, this week with animal comparisons…
1. KATIE – A sex kitten
Katie got the Pimp Spot this week. I wrote in my notes ‘saving the twattiest for last’ but it turns out the producers were just saving the best for last. They didn’t have half make it look like she’d be crap though. First there was the VT of last week’s horrid white girl soul: we saw her whining ‘baby baby baby’ while sounding like a mix of a budget Duffy and a premature born baby, baby, baby. There’s then the threat that she’s going to show she’s fun and Simon warning us her song choice is shit.
She’s doing The Jungle Book dressed as an Indie nightwear model. And I love it. I love the gay cabana dancers. I love her tottering around in her heels. I love the hair. Plus, like Cher tonight, she seems to have a perfect pop voice. She could be in a Disney film. Conceptually, this Swing cover is The Baseballs meets Puppini Sisters meets Paul Anka’s rock cover album. Visually, it’s Bette Page meets early Madonna meets porno set on a cruise ship. Aurally, it’s DisneyMania meets Paloma Faith if she had restraint meets Marilyn Monroe after a pack of cigs. It’s a wonderful mix of wonderful things and I have only good things to say about it.
The judges love it too and admire Katie for being a trooper and not caring or realising that everyone hates her. Three cheers for poor social awareness!
2. MATT – A grizzly bear
On his VTs, Matt’s voice is going more and more Essex. And deeper. Maybe he’s trying to make clear he’s straighter than Aiden, or at least less likely to dress up as his Mother and kill hotel guests. He says his song is the ‘definition of guilty pleasure.’ I hope it’s All I Wanna Do. Oh and he’s doing a cover with an acoustic guitar. Someone wants to be on Live Lounge. I know I keep knocking Live Lounge but sometimes it produces excellent, massive number ones.
He’s doing Baby One More Time – the Travis version! To begin, I greatly enjoy the bedroom eyes but it's not his best. I think its his phrasing that’s a little off here and he gets very nasal, in an unpleasant Toploader-ian way. That being said, some of the little quirks and interpretations are excellent. The arrangement really builds towards the end and sounds much better if you listen to it, after the fact.
Louis Walsh thinks the risk of covering Travis paid off. Cheryl Cole unwisely believes that the audience squealing is sensible feedback. Treating that as feedback is the reason Cheryl still has not learned how to sing. She needs a PDR meeting, stat!
3. REBECCA – A snake, only without the connotations of evil
Her VT this week is distracting because she actually looks pretty. She doesn’t cry or wear tranny make up. Hurrah! All I can remember is her telling us that her song needs personality. I wrote in my notes ‘In that case, I’m not sure it’s a good choice for Rebecca.’
Then I had to take it back. The song choice is awesome. She’s doing Jessica Rabbit! Fab! She’s even wearing a red dress and a red wig. If she’d worn nice pearls I would have had to vote for her. Her dress is fairly ridiculous though – it has an enormous poof on one side that makes it look like she has a conjoined twin on her hip. Cheryl should be banned from dressing her acts until she learns how to dress herself.
Cheryl and possibly Simon give her a standing o. Louis thinks Rebecca could sell records and Dannii says she’d be one of the people who buys it. What is up with the contestants singing Disney songs and exceeding all expectations? I would never had bet on those two girls being in my top three.
4. CHER – A stick insect
On her VT, we revisit Cher covering Hard Knock Life and looking like a manga happy-slapper. Cher seethes about Dannii’s fair and lukewarm criticism and wants to do more. Cher’s doing another big dance routine and Dannii worries she’ll fade into the background. She wants to see her do something simple. Learn from your sister Dannii, simple draws attention to your vocal shortcomings. Do a big routine and get your arse out Cher Lloyd, that’s how pop works!
She’s doing Blackstreet’s No Diggity. How is No Diggity a guilty pleasure? It’s a great song. Oh wait, it’s a medley with Tears for Fears’s Shout. Or James Corden’s Shout, depending on how old you are. Cher’s guilty pleasure is clearly half-assed but enjoyable bootlegs as this is two in a row. The rapping is quite good and the singing is fine in an ‘if Britney could sing live’ way. She sings a bit like an anime character too – it’s very synthetic – but sounds much weaker than the two girls who MEANT to become cartoons for a week. She continues to stomp and snarl as is de rigeur.
Louis loves the mash up and the dance routine, which I have to admit was pretty cool. Dannii is a fan this week and praises the staging and the vocals. Simon thinks it was like watching a Sunday night performance by a real act. Oh and that she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder. Happy news!
5. PAIJE – A hippo
Paije grins constantly during his VT even though his Gran’s just died and, because he’s boring and on first, he must have known he was likely to go home. In his VT we see him going shopping and loving the attention of teenage girls. The trials of being a fat popstar were clearly a 24-hour issue as there’s no mention of them this week. He tells us he loves this song this week – there are no dancers and he’s just showing off his voice. Wasn’t this the plan first week? I’m not sure that worked out.
He’s doing Richard X. Or Chaka Khan? Either way, that’s really not embarrassing. This was such a cop out. Plus, he’s singing it really well with pleasant wailing straight off the bat followed by a great deal of pleasant growling. The only ‘guilty’ part of the pleasure is that he’s doing some silly ballad arrangement of it. It’s like a Live Lounge cover that doesn’t quite work. So, like most Live Lounge covers then. Plus, he’s not Chaka. Oh and he’s wearing a dreadful, luminous red suit. Plus, again, 90s pop rapper jewellery and 90s pop rapper hair. He looks like Flavor Flav with fewer STDs and much more weight.
Louis loves the new arrangement and all the bells & whistles. He condoles Paije for his ‘very difficult personal week’ and Paije carries on grinning, even though tears win votes. Cheryl thought it was ‘the most confidence performance,’ even though we assume she was taught some grammar at school. Simon rightly hates the outfit, is indifferent to the performance but loves the ridiculous runs.
6. TREYC – A sourpuss
We are forced to rewatch her screaming tunelessly Purple Rain. The judges pretend she has a good voice and that all she needs to do is be a good performer as well. She seems to believe this lie too.
She’s doing Whole Lotta Love – it’s not the awkward, reviled Mary J Blige version but a more straightforward cover. So, not a guilty pleasure. She’s wearing a dress with pom poms for shoulders, which someone should feel guilty about. Before seeking new employment. For much of it, her voice has never sounded better but she’s lost among the gay dancers and the trannyness of her costume. The power note is a bit offkilter almost as if she wanted to abort. Then the pained shrill screaming comes in. Why won’t the judges tell her this sounds unpleasant? Oh wait, they think Mary Byrne is a good singer.
Louis likes the rock chick but Simon didn’t think she nailed the big notes. Finally. The public decide she’s a worse singer than Wagner and she ends up in the bottom two. It’s good to know that tuneless shrieking does not go unpunished. (Also, saying things like ‘I was great and the audience loved it’ when you walk offstage will not win friends and influence people either.) She covers Jennifer Hudson note for note and sounds just a little bit worse than Jennifer Hudson, note for note. Not terrible, but just worse. It’s a marked improvement on her other performances though: being a rentakit diva is clearly her wheelhouse.
7. AIDEN – A killer whale
In his VT, we are made to watch John Lennon’s second murder when Aiden took on Jealous Guy last week. His terrible vocals and then him pulling the faces of a teenage girl do nothing to make me dislike him less. He says he comes across a bit awkward then snickers awkwardly. He clearly has no intention of changing, does he? At least Leon pretended to be less of a misery! Simon thinks Aidan needs to go back to where he was week one. What, caterwauling and looking like a Tim Burton child killer? Oh yes, let’s go back to that.
He’s doing Shirley Bassey. I bet this was his choice. He’s staring at the floor but trying to look up and trying to smile. I think it’s his first time doing so. He looks just like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho – just before the credits roll and they pull the corpse’s car out of the muddy lake. Or Hannibal Lecter – just before he sniffs Clarice. It’s strange – and not unpleasant – hearing him sing in full voice, albeit affectedly, rather than just whining affectedly. On the power note, he looks like he’s been stabbed. Possibly by Cher. At other points, he curls up his lip like he’s Elvis after he’s eaten some off prawns. He sounds okay I guess – just as he does when you listen to his ‘Mad World’ cover - but he looks like a bell-end.
Cheryl Cole says Aidan was intense and that not everyone would ‘get it.’ As if some people don’t ‘get’ popstars who look psychotic. Aidan’s mentor – or is it social worker? Or parole officer? - claims it was Arctic Monkeys doing Shirley Bassey. I’m not sure they deserve the blame for any of this. I didn’t like this performance and, if I could, I would put Aidan on the naughty step for twenty minutes. Although when his last babysitter did that she suffered a terrible ‘accident’ so maybe it would be foolhardy. “I was going to sew her head back on, Mummy! Honestly I was!”
8. MARY – A regular whale
We see a VT of her weeping and forgetting her words. Again.
I feel it’s time for a recap on Mary. Can’t stop weeping. Can’t sing. Can’t remember her words. Can’t dance because of her t’robbing arthritis. Why is she popular again?
She sings more Shirley Bassey in her bizarre pub singer voice. Bellowing without feeling and pronouncing everything in a strange half-Americna, half-Irish accent. ‘Geeve’ is the most irritating example. The final power note is fine and very close to the Tom Jones original but, to use a Simon phrase, watching it was a bit like eating water. Boring and difficult.
Mary doesn’t weep or look happy when they cheer, probably because she’s come to expect it. She won’t be so smug now Louis has been on Xtra Factor saying Matt will win and Mary should be glad to make the final. Dannii wants to hear some current songs and Simon – for once – agrees with her and backs her up. And kind of completely goes back on his advice last week when he said she should do the same reheated shit every week. Simon is no consistent male role model for all the fatherless sons watching, is he?
9. ONE DIRECTION – A brood of chicks
In their VT, Liam looks more and like a cryptkeeper. Or with that side parting, Victoria Beckham. I know - same thing, same thing. Master Payne needs to eat something. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying it because I have a mother’s worries for him.
There’s then some backstage drama when Simon admits the song he picked didn’t work – and they need to do a new song. Simon completely goes against the whole nature of the X Factor VT saying they’ll be fine. Or, to quote, ‘no drama, no will they won’t they – they’ll just do it.’ Well, we knew this Simon. The same way we knew Matt would hit that High C and that we knew Alexandra would sound awesome while dancing around like she’s in a homosexual dance club. Yet you inflicted VTs with contrived drama on us then!
Turns out Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. I guess she won’t be appearing on a results show any time soon. Or maybe it’s just a guilty pleasure because only gayboys like Pink? Or maybe it’s a guilty pleasure because they can tell it’s a really really bad song. In which case they shouldn’t be singing it. And I shouldn’t be made to listen to it. I have such qualms with this theme.
They sing without making too many errors but it’s not as rousing as their Coldplay cover. That’s a message to all you future X Factor contestants reading: if you want rousing, think Coldplay.
Louis says they’re five Justin Biebers. That’s not fair – Harry and Zain look nothing like lesbians. Liam might if he ate more. Dannii doesn’t think Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. Oh and Aint Nobody does? Shush Minogue. The other judges don’t say much else of note. More interesting is the news from The Xtra Factor that only the ugly one has a girlfriend. Good news, girls – Liam is still single. If you buy enough of his records, maybe he’ll let you be his feeder.
10. BELLE AMIE – A pack of dogs
We see a VT of them refusing to sing Simon’s song and choosing their own. Cheryl asks ‘if you pick your own song, what’s the point of having a mentor?’ Don’t pull at that thread, Cheryl. Your job depends on it.
The song they demanded to sing is I’ll Stand By You, as sung well by The Pretenders and less so by Girls Aloud and the Glee Cast. I don’t see it as a song to have any strong feelings about it but then I’m not in a ropey girl band. Their version is a little cacophonous. I only had one Kopparberg but I didn’t have the energy to write anything else in my notes. Let’s assume it was serviceable in a ‘better than Addictiv Ladiez’ way.
Louis snipes at Simon, saying they have no mentor. I don’t know why Louis cares so much about them – he can’t want to sleep with any of them. Dannii thinks they’re dressing better but the song choice is dull. She also very nicely says they’re not as good as the other acts. The girls look crushed, almost as if they understand that the bad singing is more important than the good Top Shop outfits. Simon asks why Louis is such a bitch. I can think of at least one reason but it’s libellous and Louis could probably afford to sue.
11. JOHN – A phoenix, only without the rising again
In his VT, we see John get mobbed while shopping and Mary grabbing his hand and asking for his help. It must be like being back at work in the Nursing home for him! We are promised we will see the ‘Fun side’ of John. This promise is not kept. Simon says nothing about him, possibly because he has nothing to say.
I don’t recognise this song at first. All I notice is he has his hair forced back with a band and a suit so ridiculous Paije might have worn if it was three sizes bigger.
Simon gives the backing dancers the stink eye. They flail around and the camera follows them rather than John. I still don’t know the song. He seems to be singing to Sue or about a Zoo. There’s some nice falsetto but it’s all in vain I think. I wrote in my notes ‘I can’t see people voting for this.’ And once again he looks like he's about to cry. He should have done – Paije would have been in the bottom two that way.
Dannii hates the distracting dancers. In fact, the whole panel praise the singing and criticise Louis for letting the dancers distract from it. Strange none of them criticise the cameramen for following the dancers and ignoring the talent.
John lands in the bottom two and decides to sing Kelly Clarkson. And not even good Kelly Clarkson. He forgets the words but keeps going. I write in my notes ‘Good on him.’ Then he forgets them again – and yelps – and I lose all sympathy. Even though the song’s only a few years old, the performance seems ancient. Gone are the glory days of his Billionaire cover. Gone is John from the show. Louis really fucked this one up, though he deserves some credit for choosing him in the first place.
12. WAGNER – A jungle cat
On his VT, Wagner is wonderful. I love how he pronounces Paparazzi correctly. I love his hair. I love him talking about angels and the beautiful ladies.
He sings Spice Up Your Life with Cuban showgirls. It doesn’t really work as a solo. The ‘Spice Up Your Life’ chant is performed by the world’s quietest backing group. Then he does more Ricky Martin and the backing group suddenly get loud. But not loud enough to drown him out. His faces gain a Aiden-esque intensity but he doesn’t seem like such a twat. It ends with the dancers flashing him. This was the natural step up from titrubbing, I guess.
Last year I ranked Jedward first most weeks and I don’t feel remotely bad about it. Everyone else was boring or shit. This year is different. Everyone else tonight has been at least okay – and some have been amazing –so I’m disinclined to like him as much. Katie brought enough crazy for everyone and Matt and Rebecca brought excellent vocals. Wagner loses out on both fronts and so has to be last.
Dannii calls him a guilty pleasure and praises his enunciation this week. Cheryl didn’t like it this week and Simon wants to know Wagner likes what he’s doing. Wagner is very tactful saying he’d like to sing arias but is happy to ham it up because of his Latin fire. I’d like to see him do an aria – in the bottom two next week.
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Monday 18 October 2010
Thex Factor – Heroes Week – ‘And then you finally see the truth’
1. It is Heroes week
And this means that the acts that aren’t meant to do well sing songs by their heroes. With varying results. Acts like One Direction and Matt Cardle, who are meant to make the final, sing any old shit with better results. It is becoming far easier to see behind the great Wizard’s curtain this year, isn’t it?
2. Three homosexuals down, at least one more to go
Diva Fever and Storm prove that being exaggerated versions of something bad never pays off for anyone. I will miss Diva Fever only because of the great chance they would relive the wondrous audition by Ab-Lisa and someone would get elbowed across the face in a girly way. Belle Amie also received few votes but were rightly saved by the judges.
3. Vickers 2, Perry 0
Musical heroes to no one Diana Vickers and Katy Perry were the guest performers. As well as having infinitely better morals than Perry, Vickers outperformed her in a decisive way this weekend. Diana was new sorts of amazing and made me long for season 5 – the year when our humble blog Thex Factor was born, after all. She was so good that it becomes a bit mean to the current contestants – like when Leona and Alexandra returned with their new singles and sounded unfairly better than Olly Murs and Leon Jackson The song is catchy and odd and perfectly-sung. Who cares that she’ll get sued! By contrast, Katy’s is dull and generic and appallingly-sung. She sounds worse than Aiden, when screaming out of tune. Katy could be used in a PSHE lesson about what can go wrong when you make ‘irritating slut’ the basis of your personality. Learn from her children, she was too big a whore for the kindhearted folks from Sesame Street. What an embarrassment.
I can’t be bothered googling amusing lyrics so I’m going for similes this week. On with the rankings.
1. MATT – Like a siren with a beard
There is some drama in his VT about how Matt is ‘attempting to do something’ and is nervous. How vague. What it could be? Turns out it’s a High C, which is a high note in case you hadn’t guessed that from the name. The vocal coaches are behind him but have some concerns. Cheryl pretends to understand what they’re talking about.
His song is by Bruno Mars and it is lovely from the first note. I stopped writing pissy notes just to listen. I can’t help but feel Bruno Mars is no one’s hero but then I can’t help Katy Perry is a twat and she was allowed on.
Louis Walsh said Matt stole the truth (which: true) while Simon claimed there were bum notes (which: not true and purely based on Simon wanting his boy band to win.)
2. JOHN – Like a lovely answer to a question you never asked
John in his VT says he was surprised to make it through. Weren’t we all? I think people were voting for his wonderful Billionaire cover the week before.
John gives an emotional performance during rehearsal and even cries a bit because the song means so much to him. There’s then some invented drama and conjecture about what might happen if he cries during the real song. It’s along the standard lines of ‘if the performance goes badly, it will be bad’ but with a twist of male weeping. John clearly won’t cry on stage because he’s not an idiot like Katie Weasel.
He’s singing A Song For You, which is a pretty boring choice. I smile when he gets the words wrong – and sings that he’s acted out his life in stages. How meaningful can a song be when you don’t understand it or know the words? His performance features some very pleasant, broken yelping and then runs a plenty. The arrangement does him a world of favours – it’s very bare, almost as bare as when Danyl just had a metronome for Careless Whisper. It’s very well sung and I can almost forgive him for pointing into the camera and implying to all the fat middle-aged women he’s really singing the song to them.
3. PAIJE – Like a blind date who’s too fat for you to consider a future with
In Paije’s VT, we learn he has to get used to moving and singing. He needs to improve his stamina and not get out of breath singing for one and a half minutes. Oh the trials of a fat pop star!
After all that stamina business, turns out he’s doing an Alicia Keys ballad and mainly sitting down. When he does stand, he waves his arms a bit but isn’t doing a full tranny club dance routine like Alexandra would have. Around him, the slutty dancers wear suits and writhe around with canes. Saucy! There is a nice bit where he has a big spasm and then lots of spasmy bits. It’s an intensely boring song so the growling and nonsense scatting and falsetto bits are really needed.
Simon Cowell and Dannii debate about the slutty dancers and whether they were was relevant. I think whores with canes are always relevant. Plus, it did kind of make sense because there was a Cabaret (the film, not the insult), piano bar vibe to the performance. Well done Paije.
4. CHER – Like a thin Vicky Pollard in the episode where she gets a black boyfriend
I’m definitely on board the Cher train now. I even forgive her for having massive eyes and reminding me of Katy Perry. Her VT was probably my favourite because it showed her dressed as a witch singing Defying Gravity. I love that she was a dramafag once. I wonder when the wigger gene kicked in
Her VT tells us she’s doing an innovative, mash up which is a big risk. Turns out she’s doing Hard Knock Life by Jay Z, only with slightly more bits from the showtune original. When she raps she reminds me of Lady Saw and I really enjoy the stomping. It doesn’t make as much sense, either artistically or commercially, as last week’s but I did like it.
Louis says she looks like a popstar and thinks she’s brave mixing Jay Z with Annie. Wasn’t Jay Z the brave one by mixing himself with Annie twelve years ago? Plus, I don’t think popstars are really meant to dress like Sir Mix A Lot. Dannii didn’t love it and isn’t sure that the big risk (of copying Jay Z’s risk pretty much verbatim) paid off
5. 1DIRECTION – Like N Sync, with fewer fugs
Their VT upset me. I learn Liam was five when Robbie Williams broke through. This is terrifying news and makes me feel so old. Harry has to go the doctors. What is with this band and trips to the hospital? First, the ugly one stood on an anemone and now the lead singer is getting vomitous stagefright. Perhaps they’re planning an insurance scam?
When the song kicks in, I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. Their personal heroes are Kelly Clarkson? I don’t believe that for a second. I doubt she’s even the possibly gay one’s hero. Also, why would Liam’s hero be someone who eats? I call so much bullshit about this song choice and Simon clearly ignoring the theme of his own show. Zain does lots of vibrato and it’s hard to tell if he’s showboating or just songruining. The whole thing is a bit of a mess – they sound a bit like they’re shouting, but in a timid girly way. They sound like Chumbawumba without the activism. The girls in the audience cream and scream though so they are clearly doing something right.
Louis quite rightly asks ‘Kelly Clarkson – a hero?’ and a swath of Clarkson fans in the audience boo. The ladies don’t say much of note while Simon says they’re the best band in the country. Somewhere, one of Westlife cries.
6. REBECCA – Like Corinne Bailey Rae given Lady Gaga’s make up bag
Rebecca continues the trend of making me look back at Series 5 and smiling as in her VT her tranny make up reminds me of Alexandra Burke. But less fun Her big VT drama is her shoulders. They’re a little concaved while they should back and closer together. This is terrible drama, even worse than the risk that Matt might not sing a song perfectly or that Paije would have to stand for a minute and not have a coronary.
Rebecca is ‘Feeling Good’ doing Nina Simone (ah! The word play!) but doesn’t sound too amazing. She’s doing a rocked up version and you can barely hear her. Her purple dress isn’t flattering either and her black lipstick makes her look like a drag queen goth. The song ends with some strange whistle notes that don’t work and can’t really be heard over the scary backing. It’s over without much fanfare and she looks at the floor and smiles.
The judges are all praise and smiles. She did sound AMAZING during the group song on Sunday though so I can sort of see why the judges love her so.
7. BELLE AMIE – Like a ropey girl band cobbled together after All Saints and Spice Girls made it big
Their VT harps on about their potential, but the clips of them singing say otherwise. They were horrendous last week and it all just came back to me. I felt sorry for Esther Campbell who spoke and had her name written as Esther Capmbell on screen. The producers won’t learn their names – what chance do they have? We then see very damaging rehearsal footage where they all argue about who sings and who doesn’t. I have never seen such backstage bitchery shown on this show. They usually go to great lengths to pretend that the Danyls of this world aren’t complete tools. Cheryl has no time for the girls’ complaints and says some people just sound better on certain songs and they have to get over it. Or start a solo career where the Irish girl who can sing won’t be given all the solos!
Belle Amie do a High School Musical cover of the Kinks. It’s not terribly sung and as far as I can tell, they all get a solo part. The 60s hair was the best bit though.
Their real triumph came in the final showdown when they took on Fergie. This was a wise choice, as it’s very easy to live up to the original when you cover Fergie. It’s tentative but more relevant than Diva Fever. Even the first screech cover has a quaint amateur caroller appeal to it. They really improve as the song goes on and I give them props for not weeping and singing as awfully as last week. Snaps too for the harmonies. And for managing to crammy all that song’s many many lyrics into such a small space. (Who knew Fergie was so lyrically dense? And not just intellectually so.)
8. WAGNER – Like a joke that’s not as funny when you repeat it
Even seeing ten seconds of ‘She Bangs the Love Shack’ during the VT made me laugh. Gosh, it was wonderful wasn’t it? Wagner continues to be great value when he speaks. ‘I didn’t known how mad I was until I saw myself,’ he says. Wonderful. The X Factor is like an intervention.
He once again has scary cleavage and his dancers have the best routine by a mile.
And there is a mariachi band – who we sadly don’t see. He continues to look astounded by life as he sings. His power notes are fine and I heart his broken English. In my notes I write ‘Much better than Aiden’ but my heart says ‘Not as funny as last week.’ There is more whorish dancer tit rubbing at the end – this time they’re not doing it to themselves. This weirdness is getting more graphic each week – they’ll be frigging elbow deep if he makes it all the way to the finale.
During the judging, it becomes clear Wagner is lovely. He talks back – in a lovely way – when Dannii disses his accent. He then gives a speech about Mary’s character. He can see beauty in something so ugly. What a gent.
9. TREYC – Like Maria Lawson after she’s been punched repeatedly in the throat
In her VT, we see Treyc being bummed for her ultra-wonky cover of One last week.
They show the botched power note twice, while interspersed with praise. It’s almost an X File how the judges are saying one thing while reality is clearly so different. Her VT is very cocky with much talking about how good she was last week and how amazing she was as a child in a nativity. Maybe THAT’S why Cher and Katie don’t like her – because she’s a show off.
Her song is Purple Rain and her hero is Prince. Her hero should be Ruth Lorenzo because Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this song was much better. The gospel choir do much of the heavy lifting at the beginning and she is horridly offkey towards the end. The middle is fine though with some pleasant growling.
Dannii is very nice unsurprisingly. She’s trying very hard to be the inoffensive voice of the people this year. I liked when she used to say slightly bitchy things, like when she told Diana to lose the claw and called Danyl a big fairy. Cheryl says she’s the least assuming person she knows. She means unassuming. I hope Cheryl will continue to grasp at vocabulary she doesn’t quite understand. She’s the Mrs. Malaprop of pop!
10. DIVA FEVER – Like Stonewall was for nothing
I read an article in the free paper they give you on the bus. They called Diva Fever ‘a gimmick act.’ Is being gay a gimmick? I thought it was just a curse. Or an inconvenience, at best
In their VT, they say last week was ‘best Saturday night of our lives’ Even better than when you went bareback in an alley? I don’t believe it, annoying one from Diva Fever! The one who doesn’t sing has laryngitis. Like a tree falling in a distant forest, no one will know.
When their performance begins, I write ‘Oh Christ, there are dancers in speedos.’ Diva Fever are – thank God – well covered. They’re doing Barbra Streisand – the song, not the woman. So I guess that makes Duck Sauce their heroes? They’ve had one hit. This is a bit confusing. The one with laryngitis croaks occasionally and adds nothing to the song. The backing singers do 90% of the thing. They yell out Barbra Streisand and Diva Fever and Louis Walsh. It makes no sense but I can see why you might find it amusing if you were a bit thick.
Dannii likes it because I’m guessing her normal fags have found new hags. The other judges like it too but the public don’t. Diva Fever end up in the bottom three. You’d think they’d like it in the bottom. Saucy! They sing I Will Survive because they’re gay don’tcha know. They are attempting some sort of RnB singing and it is very odd but not unpleasant. The unsinging one vamps and swoons and we see up his nostrils. If the other one bent over with his pants down I bet we could see his pancreas. Instead, we just see his bile when he’s voted off.
11. KATIE – Like a student who’s all kooky but votes Tory
Katie says she didn’t mind being in the bottom three and being less popular than Belle Amie. She says: ‘It set me free’ What does that mean? Oh, in the bottom three, she got to sing her own song. Oh shush bitch, you sang your audition song last week. It’s not like you were forced to sing Kris Kross. In her VT, we also learn Katie was a huge Care Bear and Kylie fan. Ha! We had the same childhood Maybe that’s why I hate her so
She’s singing Etta James, who is her other musical hero. I remember this fact from back when I liked her. It is a gorgeous song sung serviceably for a while then sung terribly. She attempts to scat but does so with far less panache – and vocal prowess – than say John or Paije. Who don’t even need to break a sweat to sound good. Though, ironically Paije breaks a sweat lifting a pencil. That’s my last Paije is fat joke until next week I swear.
12. STORM – Like Jamie Afro without even the novelty of an afro
Louis introduces him by calling him ‘Someone singing a Bruce Springsteen song.’ Ha! Storm doesn’t get a name – he’s just someone. It’s a promotion from being a no one.
In his VT we re-see Simon saying ‘you’re a failed rockstar.’ Storm asks how can you be a failure and sing in front of 20 million people? He’ll get his answer in two months time. If the answer he got Sunday night wasn’t clear enough.
He rides a staitonary motorbike and he sounds swine-flu nasal. We see a few obligatory shots of the audience and there seems to be a few people dancing a bit. In their seats, mind, no one cares enough to get up His voice doesn’t go wrong but the performance is intrinsically pointless. He yells ‘come on’ and ‘one more time’ a lot to the audience because he wants to go from failed rockstar to failed club singer. Louis looks bored and then does a few whoops when he realises the camera’s on him.
Dannii offers some pity praise to seem kinder and praises his voice and hair. Cheryl calls him on the bombast while Simon praises Cheryl for looking less orange. Ha! All the bullshit Simon will spout this season can now be forgiven because he dissed Cheryl. If he calls her a racist thug one week, I will send my pants to him.
13. BIG FAT MARY – Like a barwoman handed a microphone
Why does Wagner fancy her? She revolts me – even the fact that she says tousand rather than thousand can’t make me warm to her in anyway. In her VT, Dannii calls her a cabaret artist and then vocal coach Yvie points out every time Mary sounds cabaret during rehearsal. This happens a lot and you can see Yvie chuckle to herself.
Her performance is, to be kind, ropey. Her accent is bizarre and she sounds exactly like she’s trying to sing over a stag night at the back of the pub. She’s hoarse in the most horrible way. Pained even.
There is a huge amount of audience whooping when it’s over and she cries. I hope they’re just whooping BECAUSE it’s over but I doubt that’s true. On the plus side, I don’t think she’s faking her tears She actually convulses.
Dannii wants some modern songs, which I agree with, while Cheryl respects her as a woman. Simon doesn’t respect her at all, which I agree with, but likes that she’s old
14. AIDEN – Like a serial killer singing in his cell
We see a VT of Aiden showing us his Mad World, while wearing a shirt that looks quite a bit like a straitjacket. He’s bravely singing John Lennon – and he’s personally invested because he’s singing one of his favourite songs ever. I like that he’s following the theme and doing his hero
We see some wonderful footage of him fucking up the song time after time in rehearsal. At times I think Yvie will stab him.
He’s just as shit on stage – it’s all very strained and he sings a bit like Rebecca at times. In my notes I wrote ‘Her eyes are closed again’ and I don’t think there’s any moral reason to change the pronoun. The performance is all so affected and he’s terribly out of tune and out of time. His whole face vibrates every time he attempts a ‘note.’ John Lennon was not been this mistreated since he was murdered. In essence, big problems will come when you sing a brilliant, simple song with a shit, ridiculous voice. I think this is the worst solo performance I’ve ever seen on the show. It is on a par with that week Lloyd lost his voice in the bottom two or when Rachel Hylton did terrible things to Take That.
He has total stinkface, almost as if he realises how bad it was. I don’t think that’s possible – we need to send him the footage. Louis Walsh says positive things without making any reference to the actual performance, where no positive things can be said. Cheryl says it was shaky, Simon says it was worse and then Dannii begs for votes.
Aiden wins some self-awareness points by saying it was a ‘bit rubbish’ but then stomps and actually sticks out his bottom lip. How old is this fool?
He then compounds the error on Sunday night during the group cover of Lady Gaga.
He sounds terrible and continues to look like a Thomas Harris murderer. Telephone is a fun, ridiculous song. Watching a performance of it should never make you want to put the lotion in the basket. Aiden deserves the hose again after this weekend.
And this means that the acts that aren’t meant to do well sing songs by their heroes. With varying results. Acts like One Direction and Matt Cardle, who are meant to make the final, sing any old shit with better results. It is becoming far easier to see behind the great Wizard’s curtain this year, isn’t it?
2. Three homosexuals down, at least one more to go
Diva Fever and Storm prove that being exaggerated versions of something bad never pays off for anyone. I will miss Diva Fever only because of the great chance they would relive the wondrous audition by Ab-Lisa and someone would get elbowed across the face in a girly way. Belle Amie also received few votes but were rightly saved by the judges.
3. Vickers 2, Perry 0
Musical heroes to no one Diana Vickers and Katy Perry were the guest performers. As well as having infinitely better morals than Perry, Vickers outperformed her in a decisive way this weekend. Diana was new sorts of amazing and made me long for season 5 – the year when our humble blog Thex Factor was born, after all. She was so good that it becomes a bit mean to the current contestants – like when Leona and Alexandra returned with their new singles and sounded unfairly better than Olly Murs and Leon Jackson The song is catchy and odd and perfectly-sung. Who cares that she’ll get sued! By contrast, Katy’s is dull and generic and appallingly-sung. She sounds worse than Aiden, when screaming out of tune. Katy could be used in a PSHE lesson about what can go wrong when you make ‘irritating slut’ the basis of your personality. Learn from her children, she was too big a whore for the kindhearted folks from Sesame Street. What an embarrassment.
I can’t be bothered googling amusing lyrics so I’m going for similes this week. On with the rankings.
1. MATT – Like a siren with a beard
There is some drama in his VT about how Matt is ‘attempting to do something’ and is nervous. How vague. What it could be? Turns out it’s a High C, which is a high note in case you hadn’t guessed that from the name. The vocal coaches are behind him but have some concerns. Cheryl pretends to understand what they’re talking about.
His song is by Bruno Mars and it is lovely from the first note. I stopped writing pissy notes just to listen. I can’t help but feel Bruno Mars is no one’s hero but then I can’t help Katy Perry is a twat and she was allowed on.
Louis Walsh said Matt stole the truth (which: true) while Simon claimed there were bum notes (which: not true and purely based on Simon wanting his boy band to win.)
2. JOHN – Like a lovely answer to a question you never asked
John in his VT says he was surprised to make it through. Weren’t we all? I think people were voting for his wonderful Billionaire cover the week before.
John gives an emotional performance during rehearsal and even cries a bit because the song means so much to him. There’s then some invented drama and conjecture about what might happen if he cries during the real song. It’s along the standard lines of ‘if the performance goes badly, it will be bad’ but with a twist of male weeping. John clearly won’t cry on stage because he’s not an idiot like Katie Weasel.
He’s singing A Song For You, which is a pretty boring choice. I smile when he gets the words wrong – and sings that he’s acted out his life in stages. How meaningful can a song be when you don’t understand it or know the words? His performance features some very pleasant, broken yelping and then runs a plenty. The arrangement does him a world of favours – it’s very bare, almost as bare as when Danyl just had a metronome for Careless Whisper. It’s very well sung and I can almost forgive him for pointing into the camera and implying to all the fat middle-aged women he’s really singing the song to them.
3. PAIJE – Like a blind date who’s too fat for you to consider a future with
In Paije’s VT, we learn he has to get used to moving and singing. He needs to improve his stamina and not get out of breath singing for one and a half minutes. Oh the trials of a fat pop star!
After all that stamina business, turns out he’s doing an Alicia Keys ballad and mainly sitting down. When he does stand, he waves his arms a bit but isn’t doing a full tranny club dance routine like Alexandra would have. Around him, the slutty dancers wear suits and writhe around with canes. Saucy! There is a nice bit where he has a big spasm and then lots of spasmy bits. It’s an intensely boring song so the growling and nonsense scatting and falsetto bits are really needed.
Simon Cowell and Dannii debate about the slutty dancers and whether they were was relevant. I think whores with canes are always relevant. Plus, it did kind of make sense because there was a Cabaret (the film, not the insult), piano bar vibe to the performance. Well done Paije.
4. CHER – Like a thin Vicky Pollard in the episode where she gets a black boyfriend
I’m definitely on board the Cher train now. I even forgive her for having massive eyes and reminding me of Katy Perry. Her VT was probably my favourite because it showed her dressed as a witch singing Defying Gravity. I love that she was a dramafag once. I wonder when the wigger gene kicked in
Her VT tells us she’s doing an innovative, mash up which is a big risk. Turns out she’s doing Hard Knock Life by Jay Z, only with slightly more bits from the showtune original. When she raps she reminds me of Lady Saw and I really enjoy the stomping. It doesn’t make as much sense, either artistically or commercially, as last week’s but I did like it.
Louis says she looks like a popstar and thinks she’s brave mixing Jay Z with Annie. Wasn’t Jay Z the brave one by mixing himself with Annie twelve years ago? Plus, I don’t think popstars are really meant to dress like Sir Mix A Lot. Dannii didn’t love it and isn’t sure that the big risk (of copying Jay Z’s risk pretty much verbatim) paid off
5. 1DIRECTION – Like N Sync, with fewer fugs
Their VT upset me. I learn Liam was five when Robbie Williams broke through. This is terrifying news and makes me feel so old. Harry has to go the doctors. What is with this band and trips to the hospital? First, the ugly one stood on an anemone and now the lead singer is getting vomitous stagefright. Perhaps they’re planning an insurance scam?
When the song kicks in, I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. Their personal heroes are Kelly Clarkson? I don’t believe that for a second. I doubt she’s even the possibly gay one’s hero. Also, why would Liam’s hero be someone who eats? I call so much bullshit about this song choice and Simon clearly ignoring the theme of his own show. Zain does lots of vibrato and it’s hard to tell if he’s showboating or just songruining. The whole thing is a bit of a mess – they sound a bit like they’re shouting, but in a timid girly way. They sound like Chumbawumba without the activism. The girls in the audience cream and scream though so they are clearly doing something right.
Louis quite rightly asks ‘Kelly Clarkson – a hero?’ and a swath of Clarkson fans in the audience boo. The ladies don’t say much of note while Simon says they’re the best band in the country. Somewhere, one of Westlife cries.
6. REBECCA – Like Corinne Bailey Rae given Lady Gaga’s make up bag
Rebecca continues the trend of making me look back at Series 5 and smiling as in her VT her tranny make up reminds me of Alexandra Burke. But less fun Her big VT drama is her shoulders. They’re a little concaved while they should back and closer together. This is terrible drama, even worse than the risk that Matt might not sing a song perfectly or that Paije would have to stand for a minute and not have a coronary.
Rebecca is ‘Feeling Good’ doing Nina Simone (ah! The word play!) but doesn’t sound too amazing. She’s doing a rocked up version and you can barely hear her. Her purple dress isn’t flattering either and her black lipstick makes her look like a drag queen goth. The song ends with some strange whistle notes that don’t work and can’t really be heard over the scary backing. It’s over without much fanfare and she looks at the floor and smiles.
The judges are all praise and smiles. She did sound AMAZING during the group song on Sunday though so I can sort of see why the judges love her so.
7. BELLE AMIE – Like a ropey girl band cobbled together after All Saints and Spice Girls made it big
Their VT harps on about their potential, but the clips of them singing say otherwise. They were horrendous last week and it all just came back to me. I felt sorry for Esther Campbell who spoke and had her name written as Esther Capmbell on screen. The producers won’t learn their names – what chance do they have? We then see very damaging rehearsal footage where they all argue about who sings and who doesn’t. I have never seen such backstage bitchery shown on this show. They usually go to great lengths to pretend that the Danyls of this world aren’t complete tools. Cheryl has no time for the girls’ complaints and says some people just sound better on certain songs and they have to get over it. Or start a solo career where the Irish girl who can sing won’t be given all the solos!
Belle Amie do a High School Musical cover of the Kinks. It’s not terribly sung and as far as I can tell, they all get a solo part. The 60s hair was the best bit though.
Their real triumph came in the final showdown when they took on Fergie. This was a wise choice, as it’s very easy to live up to the original when you cover Fergie. It’s tentative but more relevant than Diva Fever. Even the first screech cover has a quaint amateur caroller appeal to it. They really improve as the song goes on and I give them props for not weeping and singing as awfully as last week. Snaps too for the harmonies. And for managing to crammy all that song’s many many lyrics into such a small space. (Who knew Fergie was so lyrically dense? And not just intellectually so.)
8. WAGNER – Like a joke that’s not as funny when you repeat it
Even seeing ten seconds of ‘She Bangs the Love Shack’ during the VT made me laugh. Gosh, it was wonderful wasn’t it? Wagner continues to be great value when he speaks. ‘I didn’t known how mad I was until I saw myself,’ he says. Wonderful. The X Factor is like an intervention.
He once again has scary cleavage and his dancers have the best routine by a mile.
And there is a mariachi band – who we sadly don’t see. He continues to look astounded by life as he sings. His power notes are fine and I heart his broken English. In my notes I write ‘Much better than Aiden’ but my heart says ‘Not as funny as last week.’ There is more whorish dancer tit rubbing at the end – this time they’re not doing it to themselves. This weirdness is getting more graphic each week – they’ll be frigging elbow deep if he makes it all the way to the finale.
During the judging, it becomes clear Wagner is lovely. He talks back – in a lovely way – when Dannii disses his accent. He then gives a speech about Mary’s character. He can see beauty in something so ugly. What a gent.
9. TREYC – Like Maria Lawson after she’s been punched repeatedly in the throat
In her VT, we see Treyc being bummed for her ultra-wonky cover of One last week.
They show the botched power note twice, while interspersed with praise. It’s almost an X File how the judges are saying one thing while reality is clearly so different. Her VT is very cocky with much talking about how good she was last week and how amazing she was as a child in a nativity. Maybe THAT’S why Cher and Katie don’t like her – because she’s a show off.
Her song is Purple Rain and her hero is Prince. Her hero should be Ruth Lorenzo because Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this song was much better. The gospel choir do much of the heavy lifting at the beginning and she is horridly offkey towards the end. The middle is fine though with some pleasant growling.
Dannii is very nice unsurprisingly. She’s trying very hard to be the inoffensive voice of the people this year. I liked when she used to say slightly bitchy things, like when she told Diana to lose the claw and called Danyl a big fairy. Cheryl says she’s the least assuming person she knows. She means unassuming. I hope Cheryl will continue to grasp at vocabulary she doesn’t quite understand. She’s the Mrs. Malaprop of pop!
10. DIVA FEVER – Like Stonewall was for nothing
I read an article in the free paper they give you on the bus. They called Diva Fever ‘a gimmick act.’ Is being gay a gimmick? I thought it was just a curse. Or an inconvenience, at best
In their VT, they say last week was ‘best Saturday night of our lives’ Even better than when you went bareback in an alley? I don’t believe it, annoying one from Diva Fever! The one who doesn’t sing has laryngitis. Like a tree falling in a distant forest, no one will know.
When their performance begins, I write ‘Oh Christ, there are dancers in speedos.’ Diva Fever are – thank God – well covered. They’re doing Barbra Streisand – the song, not the woman. So I guess that makes Duck Sauce their heroes? They’ve had one hit. This is a bit confusing. The one with laryngitis croaks occasionally and adds nothing to the song. The backing singers do 90% of the thing. They yell out Barbra Streisand and Diva Fever and Louis Walsh. It makes no sense but I can see why you might find it amusing if you were a bit thick.
Dannii likes it because I’m guessing her normal fags have found new hags. The other judges like it too but the public don’t. Diva Fever end up in the bottom three. You’d think they’d like it in the bottom. Saucy! They sing I Will Survive because they’re gay don’tcha know. They are attempting some sort of RnB singing and it is very odd but not unpleasant. The unsinging one vamps and swoons and we see up his nostrils. If the other one bent over with his pants down I bet we could see his pancreas. Instead, we just see his bile when he’s voted off.
11. KATIE – Like a student who’s all kooky but votes Tory
Katie says she didn’t mind being in the bottom three and being less popular than Belle Amie. She says: ‘It set me free’ What does that mean? Oh, in the bottom three, she got to sing her own song. Oh shush bitch, you sang your audition song last week. It’s not like you were forced to sing Kris Kross. In her VT, we also learn Katie was a huge Care Bear and Kylie fan. Ha! We had the same childhood Maybe that’s why I hate her so
She’s singing Etta James, who is her other musical hero. I remember this fact from back when I liked her. It is a gorgeous song sung serviceably for a while then sung terribly. She attempts to scat but does so with far less panache – and vocal prowess – than say John or Paije. Who don’t even need to break a sweat to sound good. Though, ironically Paije breaks a sweat lifting a pencil. That’s my last Paije is fat joke until next week I swear.
12. STORM – Like Jamie Afro without even the novelty of an afro
Louis introduces him by calling him ‘Someone singing a Bruce Springsteen song.’ Ha! Storm doesn’t get a name – he’s just someone. It’s a promotion from being a no one.
In his VT we re-see Simon saying ‘you’re a failed rockstar.’ Storm asks how can you be a failure and sing in front of 20 million people? He’ll get his answer in two months time. If the answer he got Sunday night wasn’t clear enough.
He rides a staitonary motorbike and he sounds swine-flu nasal. We see a few obligatory shots of the audience and there seems to be a few people dancing a bit. In their seats, mind, no one cares enough to get up His voice doesn’t go wrong but the performance is intrinsically pointless. He yells ‘come on’ and ‘one more time’ a lot to the audience because he wants to go from failed rockstar to failed club singer. Louis looks bored and then does a few whoops when he realises the camera’s on him.
Dannii offers some pity praise to seem kinder and praises his voice and hair. Cheryl calls him on the bombast while Simon praises Cheryl for looking less orange. Ha! All the bullshit Simon will spout this season can now be forgiven because he dissed Cheryl. If he calls her a racist thug one week, I will send my pants to him.
13. BIG FAT MARY – Like a barwoman handed a microphone
Why does Wagner fancy her? She revolts me – even the fact that she says tousand rather than thousand can’t make me warm to her in anyway. In her VT, Dannii calls her a cabaret artist and then vocal coach Yvie points out every time Mary sounds cabaret during rehearsal. This happens a lot and you can see Yvie chuckle to herself.
Her performance is, to be kind, ropey. Her accent is bizarre and she sounds exactly like she’s trying to sing over a stag night at the back of the pub. She’s hoarse in the most horrible way. Pained even.
There is a huge amount of audience whooping when it’s over and she cries. I hope they’re just whooping BECAUSE it’s over but I doubt that’s true. On the plus side, I don’t think she’s faking her tears She actually convulses.
Dannii wants some modern songs, which I agree with, while Cheryl respects her as a woman. Simon doesn’t respect her at all, which I agree with, but likes that she’s old
14. AIDEN – Like a serial killer singing in his cell
We see a VT of Aiden showing us his Mad World, while wearing a shirt that looks quite a bit like a straitjacket. He’s bravely singing John Lennon – and he’s personally invested because he’s singing one of his favourite songs ever. I like that he’s following the theme and doing his hero
We see some wonderful footage of him fucking up the song time after time in rehearsal. At times I think Yvie will stab him.
He’s just as shit on stage – it’s all very strained and he sings a bit like Rebecca at times. In my notes I wrote ‘Her eyes are closed again’ and I don’t think there’s any moral reason to change the pronoun. The performance is all so affected and he’s terribly out of tune and out of time. His whole face vibrates every time he attempts a ‘note.’ John Lennon was not been this mistreated since he was murdered. In essence, big problems will come when you sing a brilliant, simple song with a shit, ridiculous voice. I think this is the worst solo performance I’ve ever seen on the show. It is on a par with that week Lloyd lost his voice in the bottom two or when Rachel Hylton did terrible things to Take That.
He has total stinkface, almost as if he realises how bad it was. I don’t think that’s possible – we need to send him the footage. Louis Walsh says positive things without making any reference to the actual performance, where no positive things can be said. Cheryl says it was shaky, Simon says it was worse and then Dannii begs for votes.
Aiden wins some self-awareness points by saying it was a ‘bit rubbish’ but then stomps and actually sticks out his bottom lip. How old is this fool?
He then compounds the error on Sunday night during the group cover of Lady Gaga.
He sounds terrible and continues to look like a Thomas Harris murderer. Telephone is a fun, ridiculous song. Watching a performance of it should never make you want to put the lotion in the basket. Aiden deserves the hose again after this weekend.
Monday 11 October 2010
Thex Factor - Number Ones - 'I don't understand why you're number one'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s the first of the live shows
And these are almost always wonderful because the judges feel the need to cause controversy and because so many performers do not feel the need to sing well. Think back to Leon desecrating the Beatles, Sharon threatening to quit, Lloyd making Bleeding Love bleed and Dannii calling Danyl a big girl. Aah – happy times. Tonight’s show was of a pretty high quality – everyone was fine bar one insanely amusing act, two very bad ones.
2. There are categories and judges
And if you don’t know who these are by now, I am not the person to explain it to you. Ask your hairdresser. In judge fashion news, Dannii is a good-looking Miss Havisham (with a lacey wedding dress and crazy hair) while Cheryl looks bizarre and her forehead is different colours in different places. Bits of it are so dark, I keep expecting her to attack her forehead in a club toilet
3. There is a big twist
And it’s one we all read about in the paper. Each category now has an extra contestant, chosen by the judge for their category. These extras are called ‘Wild Cards,’ which can be roughly translated as ‘more filler.’
4. The theme is number ones
And not just UK number ones - the song can have been number one anywhere in the world. So it’s pretty much just ‘hits’ week. Despite a plethora of choices, the judges still make some wonky decisions. (A rock Kelly Rowland cover? Really?) Usher and Joe McElderry perform live because they’ve both had number ones. How tidy.
5. History is made
For the first time ever, the first evictee did not have a vagina. (Think I’m making this up? Roberta, Addictiv Ladies, Unconventionals, Kimberley, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain went first their years.) The nearest we got to kicking out a cunt was having Katie in the bottom 3.
On with the rankings…
1. WAGNER – ‘When marimba rhythmns start to play’
Wagner has won my heart in a way that no PE teacher ever has before. He seems to have won Louis’s too who announced him by saying: ‘For music lovers everywhere, it’s Wagner.’ He gives good VT by telling us he’s from Brazil via Dudley and compares being picked a wild card to being resurrected from the dead. He also forgets his words and looks either drunk or baked throughout.
He then out-Jedwards Jedward with a remarkable cover of She Bangs. He has his hand on his hip like a little teapot and sings in Broken English. He wears giant hooker earrings that would make Chloe Maffia say ‘oh no, they’re too much.’ He then starts angrily playing the bongos before breaking into Love Shack. The whole thing is glorious and ends with all his backing dancers sticking their tongues out and rubbing their tits. Dannii Minogue looks horrified but goes on to give Wagner some Jedwardian feedback praising him for being entertaining. I know it seems silly to have such a bad singer a high ranking but this is one of only two performances I rewatched on YouTube. And it’s the only one that made me wee myself, just a tiny tiny bit.
2. 1DIRECTION – ‘Jerusalem bells are ring a dingin’
1 Direction tackle Viva La Vida and it turns out the song sounds okay when it’s serviceably sung and no one raps. JERUSALERM BLUD! In fact, it sounds better than okay because it appears all the members of this band can sing, apart from maybe the ugly one who has been cursed twice. Zain sings well but looks nervous. Harry dances and stares furiously. The Eoghan Quigglet is ok – and does amusing hand gestures like he’s in Butlins. Liam does most of the singing and sounds better than he should and looks worse than I can deal with. Everyone goes on about Cher looking frail but if anyone needs forcefeeding by a drip, it’s Liam. I’m sure I can make out his skull. These 5 boys make more noise than JLS ever could – the woah woah bits are particularly good – and earn rapturous praise. It’s not the world’s most exciting performance but they are ones to watch.
3. CHER – ‘Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we hear it from the people of the town’
In her VT, she says some people don’t think she’s strong enough for the competition, which I’m not sure was the real issue. Rather, most people didn’t think she was good enough for it.
She then performs Just Be Good To Me, which is an awesome song on many levels, as a very meta mash-up thing with Just Be Good To Green. It is ace and much better sung than almost anything sung so far. The rapping is infinitely better than the attempts made by Simon’s bands. The dancing is frantic but doesn’t affect her singing, which is perfectly pop without ever going Disney.
Louis loved it and Dannii said she was watchable and in great voice. Simon reiterates she deserves to be in the final 12 which remains debatable. (This was good but I’m sure Gamu or Kerrie would have sounded better.) Bowled over by the praise, Cher says she feels wicked in her best Westwood voice. The Jerusalem bells are truly ring a dinging
4. MATT – ‘If you live at home with your mama, oh yes son I’m talking to you’
In his VT, Matt says it’s ‘not cool’ living at home at his age and that it’s awkward when he brings girls home to fuck and his parents are there. As sob stories go, that’s pretty relatable. He gets criticised by Cheryl Cole for shutting his eyes, about which I call so much bullshit. I think Cheryl should learn to sing well before criticising eye-closing. Also, she shouldn’t have Rebecca in her category or even call Aiden by name if it bothers her that much.
Matt is made to sing Kelly Rowland because Dannii loves giving contestants dance songs that don’t suit them (see also: Rachel doing Robyn, Nicolo gone Gaga). To make it butcher, it’s a strange rock cover that reminds me of something you’d hear on Radio 1 covers albums. The song is bizarre, and Matt himself is a little fidgety, but there is no denying he has vocal tricks the others would eat Cher whole to get.
5. MARY – ‘The town gets infested with Langers’
Rotund Irish diva Mary has quite a dull VT where we learn she lives in a two-bedroomed house. But how many bathrooms Mary? And is there gas central heating? We want all the tedious details. She also tells us she has laryngitis because the producers want her to stick around for awhile – the Celtic phone vote is a good bit of income for the show, after all. Laryngitis derailed Vickers entirely so I’m worried how will it affect someone who is a bad singer and who is too ugly to be a popstar anyway. She offers a shouty James Brown which gives me horrible flashbacks to last year and Danyl screaming at the end of every song, showing us his breakfast and his horse teeth. She tries to act, by shrugging and giving us nigh on constant Jazzhands. Bits are purely drill sargeant shouting but some bits are vaguely forgivable, when you compare it to FYD. I wrote in my notes ‘Some people will eat this up and I was dead right: the audience don’t stop screaming and she cries
Dannii calls it ‘one of the best vocal performances on the show’ Gosh, there are a lot of conditions to that praise aren’t there. It’s essentially saying you’re seventh best of the night. Simon Cowell calls her ‘a trier’ and she looks pissed, almost as if she understands he meant that as an insult. Maybe she’s not as dumb as her singing attempts make her seem.
6. TREYC – ‘You’re starting to bore me’
Treyc is given the Pimp Spot and gets to perform last. It’s almost as if someone feels guilty that this woman’s been turned down twice in two years. In favour of that jughead Murs last year and women who can’t finish a song this year. Speaking of which, Treyc tells the nation in her VT that Cher and Katie are jealous, jealous bitches. Well, she said ‘their reception weren’t great’ but we know what she means. These VTs usually pretend everyone gets along, and never have such explicit reference to bitchery, so clearly some shit’s gone down backstage.
Treyc sings One, the song that got Rachel Adedeji evicted, and it’s effortlessly well-sung (until the final runs) but slightly boring. She’s a less good Maria Lawson from what I can see. After Leona, Alexandra and Jedward, I’m not sure that ‘less good Maria Lawson’ cuts it any more.
7. AIDEN – ‘It’s scaring me, I wanna go home’
While a lot of positive things have been said and written about Aiden, no one has mentioned the ah-MAZ-ing Aiden impression that Louis does in the VT. If I could find it on YouTube, I would link to it but for now you’ll have to trust me that it was brilliant. There’s much muttering in the VT about Aiden performing to himself and not opening his eyes. He is encouraged by all the judges and coaches to open his eyes. Oh how wrong they were…
Aiden is doing Mad World with his face pointed down but he’s looking up, which makes him look evil. Do it in front of a mirror yourself, it’s not flattering. He has huge vulture’s bags under his eyes and squirms around in a chair. He opens his eyes and angrily exhales between words and his lip wobbles like he’s about to cry. Or have a tantrum. The singing is fine when it’s soft but his voice is thin and unpleasant generally. Also, there is dry ice everywhere and dead trees. See for yourself that it’s one of the scariest faces and performances the world has ever seen. He looks like he's a five year old who’s just drowned his little brother. Who’s hoping if he twitches enough, he’ll bring his brother back to life. He only wanted to play!
The audience like it but they seem to like everything tonight.
Louis praises Aiden but grins as if he realises how fucked up that business was. Cheryl liked it too and Simon compares him to Twilight and Michael Stipe. A gay vampire? I bet that’s Aiden’s dream. The only person to reference how awkward and batshit crazy Aiden looked is Dermot. Maybe he should be a judge?
8. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move outta my way’
Louis jokes that this band are very Simon and very camp. Ha – he’s just called Simon gay! How witty! Oh the banter that must happen backstage at this show.
Diva Fever are not that awful during their VT – maybe they’ve read my blog and have decided to be less obnoxious and ignorant.
Scratch that – on stage they wear purple spangly suits. There’s a weird striptease dance routine where they hide behind a sheet and come out in aerobics outfits. They’re okay singers I suppose, in a PWL way. They get very flat at times but it is all relative. Speaking of relative, these two fairies look amusingly butch compared to their dancers. Who at one point fan themselves with their limp wrists.
I’m giving Diva Fever the benefit of the doubt this week – and a pretty high ranking – because I found out one of them sings in Arabic at weddings. He’s bilingual! And possibly intelligent! Shame the other one’s only into analingual.
9. REBECCA – ‘Please don’t wake me, no don’t shake me’
In my notes during her VT, I wrote ‘difficult losing her kids blah blah.’ Says it all really. Louis says Rebecca has not much personality and her interview does not to falsify this claim.
She’s singing Teardrops, which I know as a minor dance hit from the 90s. By Lovestation. Was it a number one? Turns out it got to number one in the Netherlands. This is a very bizarre choice of song that would only really make sense if it was Minor 90s Dance week and you only had 10 songs to choose from.
She sounds very shrill and looks about 40. It is a severe stepback from her wonderful Fireflies last week.
Louis compares her to Sade and Norah Jones. Aaah, my sleeping and cooking music respectively. Dannii calls her a Style Queen even though she’s wearing maternity pants. Simon tells the miserable woman to ‘enjoy every second you have on this show.’ Enjoy it while it lasts? That’s good advice after tonight. I think Cheryl’s putting all her eggs in Cher’s basket.
10. KATIE – ‘I served my sentence but committed no crime’
Katie is very aware that there’s ‘a lot of controversy around her category.’ She’s a bright spark, her. I wouldn’t have realised that the elimination of better singers and the deportation of the very best one could be seen as controversial without being told.
She’s singing We Are The Champions almost as if she wants to prove she knows the words and can finish it this time, unlike her original audition.
She is dressed appallingly. The best way to describe it is to say she looks like Lady Gaga without the thought process: she has a helmet, a silver jumpsuit, pink tights and feathers in her hair. She plays a keyboard and sings wimpily, while visibly shaking. Like Aiden, her voice sound okay when it’s soft and, sort of to her credit, she doesn’t go for big votes unnecessarily. But soft and restrained doesn’t really cut it when you’re doing Queen.
Louis rightly says she’s more style than substance, while Dannii doesn’t even like the style. Simon thinks she’s original and different but – as I’ve said before – you could go to anyone mediocre student union or vegan café and find a Katie a day.
The voting public agree with me and she ends up in the bottom three. Her song is entirely pointless and involves her singing ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ a lot, quite poorly.
Without the helmet and visor, there’s not a lot to her.
11. NICOLO – ‘Mambo Italiano’
This Italian young man is very handsome and has an attitude that I quite like but is the complete opposite of what a (successful) X Factor should have. He always looks bored and contemptuous.
His performance however was a big disappointment. Much like Katie, he’s offering us Lady Gaga without the thought process. He wears silly shades. He has lots of dancers who look ‘broken down.’ He’s even doing a Lady Gaga song but he sounds flat and he can’t quite the words out in time and sounds a bit drunk as a result.
Cheryl is the voice of reason on the judging people and didn’t like it or the silly shades. He looks very angry when he’s told this but not as angry as he looks the next night when he’s eliminated with little fanfare and doesn’t even to get sing again.
12. JOHN – ‘Brown sugar, baby’
Just like our Italian friend, John Adeleye is very handsome and pretty cool but let me down this weekend.
In his VT, Louis calls him a dark horse and John acknowledges he’s ‘not the person everyone’s talking about.’ Everyone’s talking about the gypsy wigger and after comparing their performances, I can’t help but feel that ‘everyone’s’ got it right.
John sings Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. While wearing a suit that would be worn by a 90s boy band, like Boyz II Men. While sporting the dreadful haircut that would be sported by a 90s vocal harmony group, like Boyz II Men.
His voice sounds thin (next week, drink every time I write that!) and this song sounds pretty terrible without Mariah pleasantly shrieking over it. The whole thing has been set up like Louis’s dream performance. There is a gospel choir. There are purple snowflakes. There is bouncy dancing and a very cheesy smile. Then a horrendous falsetto squeal.
Dannii says it’s not current while Cheryl loves the song and John’s face. Simon then bitches that this song wasn’t a #1 in America, even though it was and even though the theme isn’t American #1s. Simon’s toolishness aside, there is a lot to be unhappy about here. This performance was so much worse than his jaunty Billionaire that I wept a little, deep inside. I wanted a new electrifying darkhorse like a Ruth Lorenzo. Instead I’ve been given a new Andy Abraham.
13. STORM – ‘May auld acquaintance be forgot’
Storm now has bizarre bright red hair, like the Riddler. Or Ronald McDonald He tells he was ‘born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ Yuk. How patronising. We know where that is. Well, most of us. Storm’s Californian/Scottish accent is as stupid as his hair and it may explain why no record labels have wanted him.
Storm has a silly dance routine (which at one point involves him crowdsurfing) and has authentic Rawk make up (which at all points involves him looking like a tool.)
He’s singing We Built This City and he’s not out of tune or anything but he does nothing to make a bad song sound better.
The judges say okay things apart from Simon Cowell who unleashes a barrage of awesome criticism. First he says Louis has ‘turned him into something out of Batman.’ Ha! Like the Riddler, Simon? Our minds are one. Then he up the ante by calling Storm ‘somebody that’s failed to be a rockstar’ and coolly ends with: ‘It is kind of absurd but maybe it’ll work.’ Storm must be a complete tosser backstage because I’m not sure I have ever seen an attack like that on a first show.
14. PAIJE – ‘Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby’
Honeyvoiced cinema usher Paije tells us he lives in a Maisonette. I have no idea what one of them is. Is it like a bungalow? Is it a poor thing? Simon calls Paije a yoyo because he’s been told no then yes so many times on this show. By Pixie Lott and Dannii Minogue no less!
When I realise he’s singing Killing Me Softly, I write ‘Ace’ in my notes. I hope that he’ll rap or at least yell one time two time refugee camp. But alas, all we get is a limp cover over an inexcusably cheap backing track. Also, he’s wearing a stolen MC Hammer jacket which is even worse than John wearing a stolen Boyz II Men jacket.
Cheryl says he came out tonight and was a diva. Oh Lord, not another one. Is Matt the only one selling a heterosexual, fucking-girls-with-your-mum-next-door lifestyle to the sweet, young youth of today?
15. FYD – ‘I can’t dance, I can’t sing’
First on, second out. FYD had a lot going against them.
They’re a group – they often go first.
They’re a group with black people in – that didn’t work for 4Tune, 4Sure, Addictiv Ladies or Voices With Soul.
They were on first – that landed Rachel Adedeji and Kimberley in the first bottom two of their years.
Simon doesn’t seem to like them much – and gave them a song that John Adeleye killed just last week.
Their dire performance didn’t help matters. Their harmonies are shrill and off key. Their rapping is embarrassing, like when a primary teacher uses slang. They try to make Billionaire uptempo, and add a weird reggaeton breakdown, and make it sound very shit. Then it’s over.
The judges try to sound positive while telling them they can’t really sing. And that they’re somehow dancing too much and too little. They end up in the bottom two and do similarly terrible, out of tune things to Rihanna.
The judges don’t bother to sound positive while promptly sending them home. Being worse than Katie? That can’t be good for their already sketchy self esteem.
16. BELLE AMIE – ‘I could really use a wish right now’
Simon tells us he’s picked their song wisely and that ‘didn’t want to do girl band does girl band’ This has a wonderful cosmic irony as they’ll be doing ‘girl does girl’ in three years’ time. Or they’ll be receptionists. Either way, they definitely won’t be a successful girl band. In their VT, we learn their sound check was a disaster. I didn’t make much of this – as they used to ludicrously make out that Alexandra and Leona sometimes struggled in rehearsals – but I should have taken the VT more seriously. For my own protection.
They proceed to butcher B.o.B’s Airplanes. Their voices are shrill yet tentative. Their harmonies are as loose as Chloe Maffia. Their rapping is worse than anything I have seen on this show. Towards the end it sounds as if one of them might be able to sing but then the other three quickly drown her out. Being named after a gay porn company is clearly the least of their problems.
1. It’s the first of the live shows
And these are almost always wonderful because the judges feel the need to cause controversy and because so many performers do not feel the need to sing well. Think back to Leon desecrating the Beatles, Sharon threatening to quit, Lloyd making Bleeding Love bleed and Dannii calling Danyl a big girl. Aah – happy times. Tonight’s show was of a pretty high quality – everyone was fine bar one insanely amusing act, two very bad ones.
2. There are categories and judges
And if you don’t know who these are by now, I am not the person to explain it to you. Ask your hairdresser. In judge fashion news, Dannii is a good-looking Miss Havisham (with a lacey wedding dress and crazy hair) while Cheryl looks bizarre and her forehead is different colours in different places. Bits of it are so dark, I keep expecting her to attack her forehead in a club toilet
3. There is a big twist
And it’s one we all read about in the paper. Each category now has an extra contestant, chosen by the judge for their category. These extras are called ‘Wild Cards,’ which can be roughly translated as ‘more filler.’
4. The theme is number ones
And not just UK number ones - the song can have been number one anywhere in the world. So it’s pretty much just ‘hits’ week. Despite a plethora of choices, the judges still make some wonky decisions. (A rock Kelly Rowland cover? Really?) Usher and Joe McElderry perform live because they’ve both had number ones. How tidy.
5. History is made
For the first time ever, the first evictee did not have a vagina. (Think I’m making this up? Roberta, Addictiv Ladies, Unconventionals, Kimberley, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain went first their years.) The nearest we got to kicking out a cunt was having Katie in the bottom 3.
On with the rankings…
1. WAGNER – ‘When marimba rhythmns start to play’
Wagner has won my heart in a way that no PE teacher ever has before. He seems to have won Louis’s too who announced him by saying: ‘For music lovers everywhere, it’s Wagner.’ He gives good VT by telling us he’s from Brazil via Dudley and compares being picked a wild card to being resurrected from the dead. He also forgets his words and looks either drunk or baked throughout.
He then out-Jedwards Jedward with a remarkable cover of She Bangs. He has his hand on his hip like a little teapot and sings in Broken English. He wears giant hooker earrings that would make Chloe Maffia say ‘oh no, they’re too much.’ He then starts angrily playing the bongos before breaking into Love Shack. The whole thing is glorious and ends with all his backing dancers sticking their tongues out and rubbing their tits. Dannii Minogue looks horrified but goes on to give Wagner some Jedwardian feedback praising him for being entertaining. I know it seems silly to have such a bad singer a high ranking but this is one of only two performances I rewatched on YouTube. And it’s the only one that made me wee myself, just a tiny tiny bit.
2. 1DIRECTION – ‘Jerusalem bells are ring a dingin’
1 Direction tackle Viva La Vida and it turns out the song sounds okay when it’s serviceably sung and no one raps. JERUSALERM BLUD! In fact, it sounds better than okay because it appears all the members of this band can sing, apart from maybe the ugly one who has been cursed twice. Zain sings well but looks nervous. Harry dances and stares furiously. The Eoghan Quigglet is ok – and does amusing hand gestures like he’s in Butlins. Liam does most of the singing and sounds better than he should and looks worse than I can deal with. Everyone goes on about Cher looking frail but if anyone needs forcefeeding by a drip, it’s Liam. I’m sure I can make out his skull. These 5 boys make more noise than JLS ever could – the woah woah bits are particularly good – and earn rapturous praise. It’s not the world’s most exciting performance but they are ones to watch.
3. CHER – ‘Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we hear it from the people of the town’
In her VT, she says some people don’t think she’s strong enough for the competition, which I’m not sure was the real issue. Rather, most people didn’t think she was good enough for it.
She then performs Just Be Good To Me, which is an awesome song on many levels, as a very meta mash-up thing with Just Be Good To Green. It is ace and much better sung than almost anything sung so far. The rapping is infinitely better than the attempts made by Simon’s bands. The dancing is frantic but doesn’t affect her singing, which is perfectly pop without ever going Disney.
Louis loved it and Dannii said she was watchable and in great voice. Simon reiterates she deserves to be in the final 12 which remains debatable. (This was good but I’m sure Gamu or Kerrie would have sounded better.) Bowled over by the praise, Cher says she feels wicked in her best Westwood voice. The Jerusalem bells are truly ring a dinging
4. MATT – ‘If you live at home with your mama, oh yes son I’m talking to you’
In his VT, Matt says it’s ‘not cool’ living at home at his age and that it’s awkward when he brings girls home to fuck and his parents are there. As sob stories go, that’s pretty relatable. He gets criticised by Cheryl Cole for shutting his eyes, about which I call so much bullshit. I think Cheryl should learn to sing well before criticising eye-closing. Also, she shouldn’t have Rebecca in her category or even call Aiden by name if it bothers her that much.
Matt is made to sing Kelly Rowland because Dannii loves giving contestants dance songs that don’t suit them (see also: Rachel doing Robyn, Nicolo gone Gaga). To make it butcher, it’s a strange rock cover that reminds me of something you’d hear on Radio 1 covers albums. The song is bizarre, and Matt himself is a little fidgety, but there is no denying he has vocal tricks the others would eat Cher whole to get.
5. MARY – ‘The town gets infested with Langers’
Rotund Irish diva Mary has quite a dull VT where we learn she lives in a two-bedroomed house. But how many bathrooms Mary? And is there gas central heating? We want all the tedious details. She also tells us she has laryngitis because the producers want her to stick around for awhile – the Celtic phone vote is a good bit of income for the show, after all. Laryngitis derailed Vickers entirely so I’m worried how will it affect someone who is a bad singer and who is too ugly to be a popstar anyway. She offers a shouty James Brown which gives me horrible flashbacks to last year and Danyl screaming at the end of every song, showing us his breakfast and his horse teeth. She tries to act, by shrugging and giving us nigh on constant Jazzhands. Bits are purely drill sargeant shouting but some bits are vaguely forgivable, when you compare it to FYD. I wrote in my notes ‘Some people will eat this up and I was dead right: the audience don’t stop screaming and she cries
Dannii calls it ‘one of the best vocal performances on the show’ Gosh, there are a lot of conditions to that praise aren’t there. It’s essentially saying you’re seventh best of the night. Simon Cowell calls her ‘a trier’ and she looks pissed, almost as if she understands he meant that as an insult. Maybe she’s not as dumb as her singing attempts make her seem.
6. TREYC – ‘You’re starting to bore me’
Treyc is given the Pimp Spot and gets to perform last. It’s almost as if someone feels guilty that this woman’s been turned down twice in two years. In favour of that jughead Murs last year and women who can’t finish a song this year. Speaking of which, Treyc tells the nation in her VT that Cher and Katie are jealous, jealous bitches. Well, she said ‘their reception weren’t great’ but we know what she means. These VTs usually pretend everyone gets along, and never have such explicit reference to bitchery, so clearly some shit’s gone down backstage.
Treyc sings One, the song that got Rachel Adedeji evicted, and it’s effortlessly well-sung (until the final runs) but slightly boring. She’s a less good Maria Lawson from what I can see. After Leona, Alexandra and Jedward, I’m not sure that ‘less good Maria Lawson’ cuts it any more.
7. AIDEN – ‘It’s scaring me, I wanna go home’
While a lot of positive things have been said and written about Aiden, no one has mentioned the ah-MAZ-ing Aiden impression that Louis does in the VT. If I could find it on YouTube, I would link to it but for now you’ll have to trust me that it was brilliant. There’s much muttering in the VT about Aiden performing to himself and not opening his eyes. He is encouraged by all the judges and coaches to open his eyes. Oh how wrong they were…
Aiden is doing Mad World with his face pointed down but he’s looking up, which makes him look evil. Do it in front of a mirror yourself, it’s not flattering. He has huge vulture’s bags under his eyes and squirms around in a chair. He opens his eyes and angrily exhales between words and his lip wobbles like he’s about to cry. Or have a tantrum. The singing is fine when it’s soft but his voice is thin and unpleasant generally. Also, there is dry ice everywhere and dead trees. See for yourself that it’s one of the scariest faces and performances the world has ever seen. He looks like he's a five year old who’s just drowned his little brother. Who’s hoping if he twitches enough, he’ll bring his brother back to life. He only wanted to play!
The audience like it but they seem to like everything tonight.
Louis praises Aiden but grins as if he realises how fucked up that business was. Cheryl liked it too and Simon compares him to Twilight and Michael Stipe. A gay vampire? I bet that’s Aiden’s dream. The only person to reference how awkward and batshit crazy Aiden looked is Dermot. Maybe he should be a judge?
8. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move outta my way’
Louis jokes that this band are very Simon and very camp. Ha – he’s just called Simon gay! How witty! Oh the banter that must happen backstage at this show.
Diva Fever are not that awful during their VT – maybe they’ve read my blog and have decided to be less obnoxious and ignorant.
Scratch that – on stage they wear purple spangly suits. There’s a weird striptease dance routine where they hide behind a sheet and come out in aerobics outfits. They’re okay singers I suppose, in a PWL way. They get very flat at times but it is all relative. Speaking of relative, these two fairies look amusingly butch compared to their dancers. Who at one point fan themselves with their limp wrists.
I’m giving Diva Fever the benefit of the doubt this week – and a pretty high ranking – because I found out one of them sings in Arabic at weddings. He’s bilingual! And possibly intelligent! Shame the other one’s only into analingual.
9. REBECCA – ‘Please don’t wake me, no don’t shake me’
In my notes during her VT, I wrote ‘difficult losing her kids blah blah.’ Says it all really. Louis says Rebecca has not much personality and her interview does not to falsify this claim.
She’s singing Teardrops, which I know as a minor dance hit from the 90s. By Lovestation. Was it a number one? Turns out it got to number one in the Netherlands. This is a very bizarre choice of song that would only really make sense if it was Minor 90s Dance week and you only had 10 songs to choose from.
She sounds very shrill and looks about 40. It is a severe stepback from her wonderful Fireflies last week.
Louis compares her to Sade and Norah Jones. Aaah, my sleeping and cooking music respectively. Dannii calls her a Style Queen even though she’s wearing maternity pants. Simon tells the miserable woman to ‘enjoy every second you have on this show.’ Enjoy it while it lasts? That’s good advice after tonight. I think Cheryl’s putting all her eggs in Cher’s basket.
10. KATIE – ‘I served my sentence but committed no crime’
Katie is very aware that there’s ‘a lot of controversy around her category.’ She’s a bright spark, her. I wouldn’t have realised that the elimination of better singers and the deportation of the very best one could be seen as controversial without being told.
She’s singing We Are The Champions almost as if she wants to prove she knows the words and can finish it this time, unlike her original audition.
She is dressed appallingly. The best way to describe it is to say she looks like Lady Gaga without the thought process: she has a helmet, a silver jumpsuit, pink tights and feathers in her hair. She plays a keyboard and sings wimpily, while visibly shaking. Like Aiden, her voice sound okay when it’s soft and, sort of to her credit, she doesn’t go for big votes unnecessarily. But soft and restrained doesn’t really cut it when you’re doing Queen.
Louis rightly says she’s more style than substance, while Dannii doesn’t even like the style. Simon thinks she’s original and different but – as I’ve said before – you could go to anyone mediocre student union or vegan café and find a Katie a day.
The voting public agree with me and she ends up in the bottom three. Her song is entirely pointless and involves her singing ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ a lot, quite poorly.
Without the helmet and visor, there’s not a lot to her.
11. NICOLO – ‘Mambo Italiano’
This Italian young man is very handsome and has an attitude that I quite like but is the complete opposite of what a (successful) X Factor should have. He always looks bored and contemptuous.
His performance however was a big disappointment. Much like Katie, he’s offering us Lady Gaga without the thought process. He wears silly shades. He has lots of dancers who look ‘broken down.’ He’s even doing a Lady Gaga song but he sounds flat and he can’t quite the words out in time and sounds a bit drunk as a result.
Cheryl is the voice of reason on the judging people and didn’t like it or the silly shades. He looks very angry when he’s told this but not as angry as he looks the next night when he’s eliminated with little fanfare and doesn’t even to get sing again.
12. JOHN – ‘Brown sugar, baby’
Just like our Italian friend, John Adeleye is very handsome and pretty cool but let me down this weekend.
In his VT, Louis calls him a dark horse and John acknowledges he’s ‘not the person everyone’s talking about.’ Everyone’s talking about the gypsy wigger and after comparing their performances, I can’t help but feel that ‘everyone’s’ got it right.
John sings Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. While wearing a suit that would be worn by a 90s boy band, like Boyz II Men. While sporting the dreadful haircut that would be sported by a 90s vocal harmony group, like Boyz II Men.
His voice sounds thin (next week, drink every time I write that!) and this song sounds pretty terrible without Mariah pleasantly shrieking over it. The whole thing has been set up like Louis’s dream performance. There is a gospel choir. There are purple snowflakes. There is bouncy dancing and a very cheesy smile. Then a horrendous falsetto squeal.
Dannii says it’s not current while Cheryl loves the song and John’s face. Simon then bitches that this song wasn’t a #1 in America, even though it was and even though the theme isn’t American #1s. Simon’s toolishness aside, there is a lot to be unhappy about here. This performance was so much worse than his jaunty Billionaire that I wept a little, deep inside. I wanted a new electrifying darkhorse like a Ruth Lorenzo. Instead I’ve been given a new Andy Abraham.
13. STORM – ‘May auld acquaintance be forgot’
Storm now has bizarre bright red hair, like the Riddler. Or Ronald McDonald He tells he was ‘born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ Yuk. How patronising. We know where that is. Well, most of us. Storm’s Californian/Scottish accent is as stupid as his hair and it may explain why no record labels have wanted him.
Storm has a silly dance routine (which at one point involves him crowdsurfing) and has authentic Rawk make up (which at all points involves him looking like a tool.)
He’s singing We Built This City and he’s not out of tune or anything but he does nothing to make a bad song sound better.
The judges say okay things apart from Simon Cowell who unleashes a barrage of awesome criticism. First he says Louis has ‘turned him into something out of Batman.’ Ha! Like the Riddler, Simon? Our minds are one. Then he up the ante by calling Storm ‘somebody that’s failed to be a rockstar’ and coolly ends with: ‘It is kind of absurd but maybe it’ll work.’ Storm must be a complete tosser backstage because I’m not sure I have ever seen an attack like that on a first show.
14. PAIJE – ‘Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby’
Honeyvoiced cinema usher Paije tells us he lives in a Maisonette. I have no idea what one of them is. Is it like a bungalow? Is it a poor thing? Simon calls Paije a yoyo because he’s been told no then yes so many times on this show. By Pixie Lott and Dannii Minogue no less!
When I realise he’s singing Killing Me Softly, I write ‘Ace’ in my notes. I hope that he’ll rap or at least yell one time two time refugee camp. But alas, all we get is a limp cover over an inexcusably cheap backing track. Also, he’s wearing a stolen MC Hammer jacket which is even worse than John wearing a stolen Boyz II Men jacket.
Cheryl says he came out tonight and was a diva. Oh Lord, not another one. Is Matt the only one selling a heterosexual, fucking-girls-with-your-mum-next-door lifestyle to the sweet, young youth of today?
15. FYD – ‘I can’t dance, I can’t sing’
First on, second out. FYD had a lot going against them.
They’re a group – they often go first.
They’re a group with black people in – that didn’t work for 4Tune, 4Sure, Addictiv Ladies or Voices With Soul.
They were on first – that landed Rachel Adedeji and Kimberley in the first bottom two of their years.
Simon doesn’t seem to like them much – and gave them a song that John Adeleye killed just last week.
Their dire performance didn’t help matters. Their harmonies are shrill and off key. Their rapping is embarrassing, like when a primary teacher uses slang. They try to make Billionaire uptempo, and add a weird reggaeton breakdown, and make it sound very shit. Then it’s over.
The judges try to sound positive while telling them they can’t really sing. And that they’re somehow dancing too much and too little. They end up in the bottom two and do similarly terrible, out of tune things to Rihanna.
The judges don’t bother to sound positive while promptly sending them home. Being worse than Katie? That can’t be good for their already sketchy self esteem.
16. BELLE AMIE – ‘I could really use a wish right now’
Simon tells us he’s picked their song wisely and that ‘didn’t want to do girl band does girl band’ This has a wonderful cosmic irony as they’ll be doing ‘girl does girl’ in three years’ time. Or they’ll be receptionists. Either way, they definitely won’t be a successful girl band. In their VT, we learn their sound check was a disaster. I didn’t make much of this – as they used to ludicrously make out that Alexandra and Leona sometimes struggled in rehearsals – but I should have taken the VT more seriously. For my own protection.
They proceed to butcher B.o.B’s Airplanes. Their voices are shrill yet tentative. Their harmonies are as loose as Chloe Maffia. Their rapping is worse than anything I have seen on this show. Towards the end it sounds as if one of them might be able to sing but then the other three quickly drown her out. Being named after a gay porn company is clearly the least of their problems.
Tuesday 5 October 2010
Thex Factor - Judges' Home - 'A Chair Is Not A House'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s Judges Homes’ Week
This is my favourite stage of the competition and this weekend’s episodes were of a particularly high quality. There were good singers performing well. There were strange decisions to inspire debate. There was a brazillian ex-PE teacher. It was all good.
2. Dannii is mentoring the boys
She tells us she’s watched all the auditions on DVD. How hi-tec. Maybe she’ll give her judges comments by text! She and Natalie Imbruglia watch the boys perform in Australia. Matt is pretty great doing Beyonce in a girly way. Natalie’s eyes water while Dannii does not display much emotion. In sadder news, Matt does not look good with his shirt off and looks exactly like Elliott Yamin. Nicolo sings a song about New York very well and it’s unclear whether he’s singing about a boy, a girl or a city. Welsh teen Tom has a bright red nose and ruins Robbie. Paije shows us his True Colours and it’s pretty but very boring.
Cannon fodder white boy John weakly sings Take That weakly but strongly resembles Gary Barlow. Cannnon fodder black boy Karl is so unimportant that they play an interview over his performance. The producers similarly play an interview over most of Marlon’s Alicia cover. Based on the tuneless screeching we do hear, I am grateful to the producers for this. Aidan, with his lesbian hair and mental patient singing faces, is better than usual with his Damien Rice cover but still a ball of irritation and affectation. He goes through along with Nicolo and Matt.
3. Louis loves the Oldies
So he goes to the Emerald Isle with Sharon Osbourne to judge them. He has the ugliest set of contestants in the history of the X Factor. Sharon compares them to ‘Cuckoo’s Nest.’ Ha! When Sharon thinks you’re weird, you’ve really got to worry, Oldies. You and your mind, they got issues. Househusband Steve minces around doing Get The Party Started. It’s awful but brings back wonderful memories. Yuli screams, dressed poorly and covers Dizzee Rascal. The world’s ugliest man Justin tells us he has the right look and voice for pop while wearing a feather earring and singing Lady Gaga through his nose. Wagner gives a lovely speech and then sings Candi Staton in a Brazillian accent. He looks exactly like the cowardly lion. Mary gets sad music and a sob story VT before she messes up her Coldplay performance. She’s not even a competent pub singer. She forgets the words and has the tone of a drill that really wants to please. Elesha does a perfectly fine cover of Alicia Keys and Storm pulls out all the stops doing Mariah, with pleasant wailing, whimpering and growling. Cannon fodder John Adeleye comes from nowhere to give the performance of the night. He sings Billionaire by Travie McCoy and the judges beam. The jaunty piano backing is brilliant and he bounces around knowing how well it’s going. Despite us seeing him for all of twenty seconds before tonight, he goes through and is joined by the far more desperate Storm and Mary.
4. Simon is into groups
And he gets paid for it. Just like Chloe Mafia. He’s joined by the improbably-dressed Sinitta in Marbella, which is the only judges home that actually belongs to a judge. I suppose a visit to Dannii’s bedsit wouldn’t be that much fun.
Irritating Faggot One from Diva Fever is a student and tells us ‘I don’t wanna read books me whole life.’ And that is the real problem with the modern homosexual, isn't it? He then calls Simon Darlin’ before singing Girls Aloud. Twem, the French Arab Jedward, sing Kelly Rowland and sound surprisingly strong. Princes & Rogues do a wacky cover of the Buggles and it brings as little joy as you’d expect something wacky to bring. Ropey girlband Husstle are fine while ropey boyband The Reason are shrill and just a bit old and ugly. FYD try Beggin’ with cool harmonies and bouncy dancing. Compared to John, both the singing and bouncy dancing are subpar but it is a strong audition. Simon bitches about them eing cautious and more dancers than singers because he has some inexplicable problem with them. He much prefers the bands he put together himself: girl band Belle Ami sing George Michael’s Faith while boy band 1 Direction impress with a very modern, well-sung cover of Torn. It’s mostly sung by Harry, who enunciates the word NAKED very clearly while staring at the judges. It is beyond creepy and it assures the band a place in the top 12, along with Belle Amie and FYD.
5. Cheryl’s with the girls
And has clearly been driven mad by the malaria as she makes some very odd decisions. One of which is not sending Will.I.Am home for wearing silly glasses. Simpering wimp Rebecca does Amy Winehouse doing ‘Fireflies’ and it’s haunting and old-fashioned and modern. Top marks to her! High marks must also go to Kerrie, who offers a sumptuous Green Day cover with runs that she doesn’t quite commit to. Gamu’s voice is wasted on a rather pointless Pixie Lott ballad, Annastacia is given minor Toni Braxton and Raquel does Ordinary People. Though well sung, these three and quite unsurprisingly rather pointless, minor and ordinary respectively. Treyc shrieks through Ave Maria (by Beyonce, not Schubert alas) and looks and sounds exactly like Maria Lawson. Katie wears stupid eye make-up and tells us ‘there’s no one like her in the market.’ Oh please, you could go to any veggie café or stupid open mic night find an exact replica of her. And hopefully you’d find one who can finish a whole one-minute performance in one go without crying and having to restart. For the record, that’s two times in four performances that she’s had to start again. Even more shit is Cher, who rather than admit she can’t sing has decided to have a ‘short throat.’ She half sings, half raps Cooler Than Me then gives up and must be hugged by Cheryl. She then tries again, three-quarters rapping, one-quarter singing with a silly wigger voice. JERUSALURM! When she gives up a second time, CC asks if she’ll come back later and she whispers ‘I’m done now. I’m done.’ Like she’s Eva Peron on her deathbed. She lumbers offstage and is so thin that a lackey has to open the door for her. Like Winehouse, she is now more hair than body. But the crying worked wonders as she is put through along with crier Katie and almost always about to cry Rebecca. Fun times!
A preliminary ranking of the final twelve…
1. MATT
We’ve heard him sing many times (which gives an advantage over John) and he’s never shit (which gives him an advantage over Cher). He’s not unattractive or obnoxious either. If he can mix it up and sing some boys’ songs too, he could be a very worthy winner.
2.JOHN
In a New York minute, ooooo, anything can change. I love how John has emerged as a sudden talent and he even has pretty good bookies’ odds. Time will tell whether he goes the route of the recent American Idol winners, who got very screen time, or the route of the many black contestants over the years whose names you’ve forgotten.
3. 1DIRECTION
The show needs a group to win really so I see them getting an easy ride from the judges. It also doesn’t hurt that they have at least one very good singer and the teen vote sewn up.
4. NICOLO
Is he this year’s Rhydian? They’re really building him up as this horrible diva, but with a good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
5. STORM
Or is Storm this year’s Rhydian? They’ve given him really stupid dyed hair, to go with his almost good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
6. FYD
FYD were definitely the least of all evils when it came to the unmanufactured groups. It’s a shame Simon has no interest in them winning.
7. REBECCA
She’s only had one good performance so far so she is still an unknown quantity. But she has never yelled the word JERUSALURM so she has one up on some
8. BELLE AMIE
Their cover of Faith was fine but they seem quite anonymous. They could amuse the staff here at Thex if they borrow some of Chloe Mafia’s outfits and do Get Sexy. In the Green home with Louis, he say Hey Sexy.
9, KATIE
I used to like Katie and her drama queen/covert bitch ways but I have no time for people who weep mid-song. Or who can’t finish a song
10. AIDAN
I have liked every song that Aidan has performed. The original, that is. I have hated all of his covers. He needs to learn to sing well, open his eyes and not take hairstyle tips from Diva magazine.
11. CHER
Cher is Aisleyne without the charm or morals. She is Westwood without the commitment to being ridiculous. She is hideously ugly. She has stupid hair. She cannot sing. She cannot rap. Based on the visual evidence, she cannot feed herself. Still, she can take solace in the fact I put Joe last on my rankings last year and clearly know nothing.
12. MARY
Or Cher can take solace in the fact that she’s better than Mary. At least I half-heartedly wonder what dreadful thing Cher will do next. At least I can do impressions of Cher when bored or drunk. JERUSLURM! Mary has nothing to offer Thex. Or the world. Back to the tills, she must go.
1. It’s Judges Homes’ Week
This is my favourite stage of the competition and this weekend’s episodes were of a particularly high quality. There were good singers performing well. There were strange decisions to inspire debate. There was a brazillian ex-PE teacher. It was all good.
2. Dannii is mentoring the boys
She tells us she’s watched all the auditions on DVD. How hi-tec. Maybe she’ll give her judges comments by text! She and Natalie Imbruglia watch the boys perform in Australia. Matt is pretty great doing Beyonce in a girly way. Natalie’s eyes water while Dannii does not display much emotion. In sadder news, Matt does not look good with his shirt off and looks exactly like Elliott Yamin. Nicolo sings a song about New York very well and it’s unclear whether he’s singing about a boy, a girl or a city. Welsh teen Tom has a bright red nose and ruins Robbie. Paije shows us his True Colours and it’s pretty but very boring.
Cannon fodder white boy John weakly sings Take That weakly but strongly resembles Gary Barlow. Cannnon fodder black boy Karl is so unimportant that they play an interview over his performance. The producers similarly play an interview over most of Marlon’s Alicia cover. Based on the tuneless screeching we do hear, I am grateful to the producers for this. Aidan, with his lesbian hair and mental patient singing faces, is better than usual with his Damien Rice cover but still a ball of irritation and affectation. He goes through along with Nicolo and Matt.
3. Louis loves the Oldies
So he goes to the Emerald Isle with Sharon Osbourne to judge them. He has the ugliest set of contestants in the history of the X Factor. Sharon compares them to ‘Cuckoo’s Nest.’ Ha! When Sharon thinks you’re weird, you’ve really got to worry, Oldies. You and your mind, they got issues. Househusband Steve minces around doing Get The Party Started. It’s awful but brings back wonderful memories. Yuli screams, dressed poorly and covers Dizzee Rascal. The world’s ugliest man Justin tells us he has the right look and voice for pop while wearing a feather earring and singing Lady Gaga through his nose. Wagner gives a lovely speech and then sings Candi Staton in a Brazillian accent. He looks exactly like the cowardly lion. Mary gets sad music and a sob story VT before she messes up her Coldplay performance. She’s not even a competent pub singer. She forgets the words and has the tone of a drill that really wants to please. Elesha does a perfectly fine cover of Alicia Keys and Storm pulls out all the stops doing Mariah, with pleasant wailing, whimpering and growling. Cannon fodder John Adeleye comes from nowhere to give the performance of the night. He sings Billionaire by Travie McCoy and the judges beam. The jaunty piano backing is brilliant and he bounces around knowing how well it’s going. Despite us seeing him for all of twenty seconds before tonight, he goes through and is joined by the far more desperate Storm and Mary.
4. Simon is into groups
And he gets paid for it. Just like Chloe Mafia. He’s joined by the improbably-dressed Sinitta in Marbella, which is the only judges home that actually belongs to a judge. I suppose a visit to Dannii’s bedsit wouldn’t be that much fun.
Irritating Faggot One from Diva Fever is a student and tells us ‘I don’t wanna read books me whole life.’ And that is the real problem with the modern homosexual, isn't it? He then calls Simon Darlin’ before singing Girls Aloud. Twem, the French Arab Jedward, sing Kelly Rowland and sound surprisingly strong. Princes & Rogues do a wacky cover of the Buggles and it brings as little joy as you’d expect something wacky to bring. Ropey girlband Husstle are fine while ropey boyband The Reason are shrill and just a bit old and ugly. FYD try Beggin’ with cool harmonies and bouncy dancing. Compared to John, both the singing and bouncy dancing are subpar but it is a strong audition. Simon bitches about them eing cautious and more dancers than singers because he has some inexplicable problem with them. He much prefers the bands he put together himself: girl band Belle Ami sing George Michael’s Faith while boy band 1 Direction impress with a very modern, well-sung cover of Torn. It’s mostly sung by Harry, who enunciates the word NAKED very clearly while staring at the judges. It is beyond creepy and it assures the band a place in the top 12, along with Belle Amie and FYD.
5. Cheryl’s with the girls
And has clearly been driven mad by the malaria as she makes some very odd decisions. One of which is not sending Will.I.Am home for wearing silly glasses. Simpering wimp Rebecca does Amy Winehouse doing ‘Fireflies’ and it’s haunting and old-fashioned and modern. Top marks to her! High marks must also go to Kerrie, who offers a sumptuous Green Day cover with runs that she doesn’t quite commit to. Gamu’s voice is wasted on a rather pointless Pixie Lott ballad, Annastacia is given minor Toni Braxton and Raquel does Ordinary People. Though well sung, these three and quite unsurprisingly rather pointless, minor and ordinary respectively. Treyc shrieks through Ave Maria (by Beyonce, not Schubert alas) and looks and sounds exactly like Maria Lawson. Katie wears stupid eye make-up and tells us ‘there’s no one like her in the market.’ Oh please, you could go to any veggie café or stupid open mic night find an exact replica of her. And hopefully you’d find one who can finish a whole one-minute performance in one go without crying and having to restart. For the record, that’s two times in four performances that she’s had to start again. Even more shit is Cher, who rather than admit she can’t sing has decided to have a ‘short throat.’ She half sings, half raps Cooler Than Me then gives up and must be hugged by Cheryl. She then tries again, three-quarters rapping, one-quarter singing with a silly wigger voice. JERUSALURM! When she gives up a second time, CC asks if she’ll come back later and she whispers ‘I’m done now. I’m done.’ Like she’s Eva Peron on her deathbed. She lumbers offstage and is so thin that a lackey has to open the door for her. Like Winehouse, she is now more hair than body. But the crying worked wonders as she is put through along with crier Katie and almost always about to cry Rebecca. Fun times!
A preliminary ranking of the final twelve…
1. MATT
We’ve heard him sing many times (which gives an advantage over John) and he’s never shit (which gives him an advantage over Cher). He’s not unattractive or obnoxious either. If he can mix it up and sing some boys’ songs too, he could be a very worthy winner.
2.JOHN
In a New York minute, ooooo, anything can change. I love how John has emerged as a sudden talent and he even has pretty good bookies’ odds. Time will tell whether he goes the route of the recent American Idol winners, who got very screen time, or the route of the many black contestants over the years whose names you’ve forgotten.
3. 1DIRECTION
The show needs a group to win really so I see them getting an easy ride from the judges. It also doesn’t hurt that they have at least one very good singer and the teen vote sewn up.
4. NICOLO
Is he this year’s Rhydian? They’re really building him up as this horrible diva, but with a good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
5. STORM
Or is Storm this year’s Rhydian? They’ve given him really stupid dyed hair, to go with his almost good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.
6. FYD
FYD were definitely the least of all evils when it came to the unmanufactured groups. It’s a shame Simon has no interest in them winning.
7. REBECCA
She’s only had one good performance so far so she is still an unknown quantity. But she has never yelled the word JERUSALURM so she has one up on some
8. BELLE AMIE
Their cover of Faith was fine but they seem quite anonymous. They could amuse the staff here at Thex if they borrow some of Chloe Mafia’s outfits and do Get Sexy. In the Green home with Louis, he say Hey Sexy.
9, KATIE
I used to like Katie and her drama queen/covert bitch ways but I have no time for people who weep mid-song. Or who can’t finish a song
10. AIDAN
I have liked every song that Aidan has performed. The original, that is. I have hated all of his covers. He needs to learn to sing well, open his eyes and not take hairstyle tips from Diva magazine.
11. CHER
Cher is Aisleyne without the charm or morals. She is Westwood without the commitment to being ridiculous. She is hideously ugly. She has stupid hair. She cannot sing. She cannot rap. Based on the visual evidence, she cannot feed herself. Still, she can take solace in the fact I put Joe last on my rankings last year and clearly know nothing.
12. MARY
Or Cher can take solace in the fact that she’s better than Mary. At least I half-heartedly wonder what dreadful thing Cher will do next. At least I can do impressions of Cher when bored or drunk. JERUSLURM! Mary has nothing to offer Thex. Or the world. Back to the tills, she must go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)