These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. We have a guest columnist
Her name is Nancy. Many of my friends refer to her as Lovely Nancy. Sadly, this nickname has not caught on the way it did for Tiny Tim, Loverat Darren Day or Sporty Spice but there is still time.
2. It was the final!
Except there were two finals with different numbers of contestants on each night. So really, a final and a semi-final. And the three on the first night were called the finalists, and the two on the second night were called the finalists. And the top twelve have been called the finalists all year. It’s like Adam and Eve named all the different things in the garden for nothing! The finals featured lots of boring performances by the final three, one last group song, a croaky Sir Paul McCartney medley, great performances by Leona, JLS, Alexandra and Robbie Williams and a bizarre song by George Michael about Jesus.
[Best moment of the whole weekend was undoubtedly when Jedward took to the stage for one last time - gone but not forgotten – Nancy]
3. Olly is a loser.
Stacey is one too.
[Which is a shame, as Dannii is my secret fave judge - love her quiff – Nancy]
Joe is the winner. But this season, I think we’re all losers. We’ve seen some hilarious performances from John & Edward, at least one thoroughly dreadful one by Danyl and some alright ones from Lucie, Rachel and Joe. It’s not really been worth it and I don’t get how it’s taken so many months to achieve so little.
4. Killing In The Name Of is a great song
And a better one than The Climb, no matter who’s singing it. I hope Rage make #1, not because I hate this show but because I love that song. And I think there is an argument for us all paying the 80p, sticking up our fingers to SyCo, or just the man in general like Rock Profile Jo Whiley wanted us to, and saying ‘we don’t like this song’ and ‘we don’t want to buy it.’
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Your destiny may keep your warm’
Or you may get very cold waiting for the assistant manager of Pizza Express to let you in the back. I’m sure Steve Brookstein still sings at Pizza Express. Or maybe somewhere posher, like Ask or Zizzi.
Joe’s first VT has Cheryl Cole meeting his family. She’s wearing a shirt and coat with black and white skulls on. Bitch can’t dress. Joe tells us he’s gone to ‘me mam’s house’ and then we see his mam who’s right canny. He then sings in either an arena or a massive mall, that makes the place Stacey performed in look like a small foyer. What Makes A Man by Westlife is the backing music this week: a song that got beaten to Christmas #1 by Bob the Builder. Thinking back, the Christmas #1 really wasn’t too sad a tradition to lose to these crap coronation singles.
He’s singing his Luther Vandross audition again piece and I hate this song. It brings out the worst in his voice too. It seems short – and it’s not mercifully short – it just feels very choppy. And then a choir appears and it’s done. Weird. Joe is the one minute man of finale performances.
Dannii says Joe’s adorable and he nods. Ha! Maybe he is secretly a dick. Cheryl weeps and brings Joe’s parents into the equation for some pity votes. We see Joe’s fans in South Shields and a woman entertains me greatly by telling one of Girls Aloud that her name is ‘Vote Joe.’
Cheryl speaks of the ‘craziest butterflies’ as the duets round begins. I have to say I was legitimately excited about the duets, even though I’d seen all the spoilers by mistake and all the spoilers were correct.
Joe’s duetting with George Michael, in what is the feyest pairing since George sang ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ with Sir Elton John. I bet they’re doing it. Oh wait no, Joe is “straight.” George is fat and flat and keeps his eyes closed, kind of killing the concept of a fakely affectionate duet. It’s hard to tell if he’s fatter or flatter. The beard is crazy. Joe sounded great though. Well done him, even if he does look TINY stood next to Dermot.
Next is a repeat round. So we’ve seen Joe do NO new songs on the Saturday night show. That’s just great. He redoes his Elton John number and it’s perfect. And I think I was more in the mood for it this time. He really is a great singer in a Broadway and/or slightly boring way. He receives, or rather earns, another standing ovation from all four judges. Louis tells Joe he deserves to make the final two but then he said that to the other two too. Simon says Joe is special. We have to assume he doesn’t mean spesh.
On Sunday night, Joe redoes Journey. Making that his third Journey performance of the season. It is a tiny bit piercing this time. It makes me enjoy it less but reassures me that Joe is not a robot built by SyCo to sing perfectly every week. Louis says Joe is a small boy with a big voice and a great future. That is good wordplay. Simon says it’s not a well-known song and I get angry.
Joe then tackles the winners’ song which is a Miley Cyrus cover. Why couldn’t they have done Fly on the Wall? The Climb is not only inherently rubbish but my real issue with it is that it’s not about something else. All X Factor winner singles are about winning the X Factor and something else. Hallelujah and When You Believe were about religious figures and winning the X Factor. Against All Odds, A Moment Like Theeese and That’s My Goal were about lovin’ and lustin’ and winning the X Factor. The Climb is schmaltz about schmaltz and winning the X Factor. It doesn’t work. Joe sings it fine, with suddenly improved hair, but it’s not endearing. And he looks very creepy in the face: all pinched around the mouth. I think he says ‘fuck me’ when he’s done too.
[I doubt he’s been programmed to say rude words – Nancy]
Dannii says it’s one of her absolute favourite songs. Really? Cheryl cries but doesn’t convulse like she did last year over Alexandra. Maybe because Joe’s not as exciting and won’t go on to be famous enough to help the Cole brand. Shame that.
2. OLLY – ‘I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?’
Olly’s VT says he’s redoing Superstition. It’s very matter-of-fact so I should be too. Olly goes home in a helicopter and his neighbourhood and old school look very green and leafy. Maybe Olly is secretly posh? Oh there’s some secrets coming out this weekend. Simon goes to Murses house and has Butterscotch Angel Delight. Who eats that at his age? Who would be so common! Simon says Olly is one of the nicest people he ever met. Oh, please. He said that about Journey South and look where it got them. I think he said it about Jedward too.
His Superstition comes with a waistcoat and some maladjusted dancing attempts. There is some excellent pleasant growling, which comes when Olly is lying down. Olly has learned how to sing it seems. He should have done all his performances lying on the floor. There would have been less shit dancing that way too. He also scoots along the floor under the skirts of his whorish dancers.
The judges are positive. Simon says Olly is the best risk he’s ever taken. Like barebacking with someone really hot and rich.
Olly does Angels with Robbie Williams. Simon is really playing an easy hand here. A lazy one too. I notice there’s a lovely Christmas tree on the stage and that helps. Robbie looks no less intoxicated than the last time he was on and – oh yes – fucks up the words to Angels. I hate that song but I, like everyone who’s ever owned a radio, know all the words to Angels. How can Robbie get it wrong? The whole affair is poorly sung and they touch each other too much. Their mint, legend banter is insufferable
[Robbie made it all a bit guys-in-the-pub having a go at karaoke – Nancy]
[I think you’re being too generous. They looked far more pissed than that. They hug and yell like they’re singing in an alleyway after being thrown out of the pub – Thex]
Robbie’s eyes are so weird and when he’s done “singing” he yells and chants for Olly to win. There is a nice bit where Robbie says Olly was giving 111% or 112%. See, Robbie can be okay when he’s insulting Simon.
Olly’s redo is ‘A Fool In Love.’ So he’s redoing a performance everyone’s forgot. Of a song Simon admitted weeks ago nobody knows. Simon really wanted Joe to win, didn’t he? It’s fun but it’s not a winning performance, shall we say.
[Agreed. He couldn’t beat Joe. Olly's performances were founded on raunch and more mis-placed 'hip-action' than even old Brucie can shake a stick at - he was never going to beat the cherub that is Joe in the battle for the nation's heart – Nancy]
Louis says Olly is sexy, and clearly doesn’t care who knows it. Cheryl says he hopes Olly will be in the bottom two which is quite the Freudian slip. Simon does a weird eulogy for Olly saying not to be disappointed ‘whatever the result.’ Dermot then starts asking him about he’d feel if it were his last performance. No one expected him to win for a second. Or even come second, for a second.
But survive he does, and so on Sunday night we get another batch of VTs and okay performances. On his VT, we learn Olly will have to give not 112% but 150%. I’m not sure how accurate any of this Maths is. Or what percentage would have stopped Joe from walking it.
[The bookies didn't even need to do the maths. Crap hats won’t get you the crown – Nancy]
Olly redoes Twist & Shout and it’s good fun and the dancing is silly. The judges say it’s fun also and that they enjoyed the dancing. Olly once again defends the Fwiyer dancing breakdown. I assume he means Thriller dancing. My beef is with the fact this is his fourth Beatles cover. Why not just join a tribute band and save us all the pain of dealing with you?
Olly’s attempt at the winners’ single isn’t too bad. He isn’t that much worse than Joe as his razorthin voice kind of suits this Disney pop. Put it this way, he’s not as outmatched as when Ray took on Leona.
[I disagree. There was no contest here. It was a classic example of good versus bad, and not just in the quality of their vocal chords – Nancy]
[Like David and Goliath, if Goliath had a fatter head and couldn’t dance – Thex]
Simon’s mouth is covered and he looks like he wants to be sick. Olly’s cheeks are bloated. Then it’s over.
Dannii is amazed that Olly can sing and says he has ‘a voice we’ve never heard before.’ Ha! We are shown a montage of Olly’s spasm dancing, awful hats and worse hair. Olly never won me over and I hope he won’t be famous after this show.
3. STACEY – ‘When all the clouds darken up the skyway’
Stacey’s VT features a lot of grinning. She looks unhinged and far weirder in the face than Dannii Minogue does. She goes to Dagenham and there’s a house, a school, a theatre.
She does Wonderful World, her audition song, and performs it sitting down. Strange there was no mention of this in her first VT. We know from past dramatics VTs how she struggles with basic things like walking and lying and lusting and dancing. Sitting would have been top of my list of things Stacey can’t do but any fucking moron can. Dannii cries during the performance, presumably for her own reasons as there’s nothing moving about the performance. It’s yelly and fine with the odd flourish.
Louis loves it and Simon says Stacey continues to surprise him. Really? I thought she was the same every week? Didn’t you say that a fortnight ago, Simon? No more Angel Delight for you, it makes you forgetful.
We see Stacey’s fans who are interviewed by a very jolly Jeff Brazier. Clearly he’s not still mourning for England’s Rose, Jade Goody.
Stacey’s duet is probably what stopped her making the final two (and not just because
she’s duetting with the least famous singer).
[It was over before this. Poor love, she looked bewildered from the off, a bit like she hadn't been doing this for the last six months. Although by far the most charismatic of the final three (despite Olly's best efforts with all those 'aren't I charming?' hats), the dual personality ditz/diva show was wearing a bit thin, and even footage of her utterly adorable family wasn't going to save her – Nancy]
The arrangement is bizarre and the singing is yelly and odd. (That’s the whole season though, isn’t it?) Her pronunciation is fucked too. She tells us she’s Feeling Gurd. Or perhaps it’s Curd? And she’s going round fingering the puddings in Marks and Spencer? Michael Buble pops up but can’t salvage it like you’d think he could. After all, Buble is a real singer: singing, not yelling and looking only slightly drunk. Stacey has enormous hips. Between these and that nose, she’s just not pretty enough to be a diva. Buble looks hot.
Stacey redoes Queen and goes all popera on us. She sings about her feengerteeps! She has the Leona hair but it goes without saying that she does not have a Leona voice. In fact, watching Leona sing on Sunday night just makes me feel they should’ve made her the winner a second time. The judges love Stacey’s performance and pretend this year hasn’t been a total wash out. Which you, my beloved dozens of readers, know it has.
Saturday 19 December 2009
Thursday 10 December 2009
Thex Factor – Michael Jackson week – ‘Keep it in the closet’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Michael Jackson week
This is a recycled theme that I’m not too happy about. Remember last year when Austin was the only good one that week? And when B.S.Ruth was so boring she ended up in the bottom two and had to unleash her Purple Rain? Simon specifies that 150% is required of the semi-finalists, which is a tough number to reach. This year’s MJ week is very different because this year Michael is a beloved and dead person and not a bankrupt and living person. Simon does the weirdest eulogy ever and poor old Janet has to be called Michael’s sister every time she’s mentioned. She also doesn’t get an interview after her results show performance and charmingly runs off the stage when Dermot gets on with the results business and the lights dim. Oh and her thunder is really stolen by Lady Gaga. Janet dancing maniacally and ‘sexily’ just can’t compare to the below.
2. I would not want to meet Lady Gaga
She performs her “unusual” song in a bathtub full of zombies. She also sings with less help than Stacey’s had in months. She’s dressed as a lego zombie though so it’s hard to take her too seriously. Oh and she yells ‘sing it X Factor’ with murderous intent. And also yells that she’s a ‘freak bitch, baby.’ I believe her, baby. The best bit is when Dermot interviews her while she’s in a bathtub full of zombies. This whole five minutes far surpasses Jedward’s entire run on the WTF meter.
3. Ding dong, the witch is dead!
I think this is the first Wizard of Oz gag I’ve made about the none-more-gayer Danyl. He hasn’t been the worst for weeks so there’s a vague sense he didn’t deserve to go but also great relief as he’s a tool.
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk’
Joe’s VT is an unfortunate reminder of how weird Joe used to look and sound. We also see cute baby pictures where he seems to be wearing a sari. I guess it’s dress up but it’s still weird. Simon speaks of Joe’s tone and how he’s almost note perfect. (Yet Simon insists that friend of Dorothy Danyl is the best singer. Why?) The VT backing music is beyond creepy. It sounds like it’s from a Disney remake of Battle Royale. It has menace and schmaltz in equal measure.
He’s singing She’s Out of My Life. She? Really? It should be clear whether Joe’s going to laugh or cry. Or live or die. Until Joe kind of starts crying. Again, just like his Elton number last week, this is exactly what Danyl wanted to do with Careless Whisper but failed in the eyes of many. To creep people out in a good way. Cheryl calls it ‘chilling’ which I’m not convinced is a compliment on Saturday night TV but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Joe’s second VT is a ‘Meet the Parents’ affair. Except without the slapstick: it’s just the schmaltz and the meeting of parents. Joe’s Gran and Dad have such strong Geordie accents that they sound stoned. Oh and the scary VT music is back.
Joe’s doing Open Arms by Journey, or Mariah if you prefer. Ha! There are purple strobe lights and falling fireworks. It’s not his best but it does make me want to listen to Open Arms. I don’t write down what the judges say but it should be obvious they are complimentary.
2. DANYL – ‘I’m asking him to change his ways’
Danyl can’t believe he’s still in the competition. This is just what Lloyd said the week before. And both times I wrote ‘Nor I’ in my notes. That tinge of self-awareness in contestants is clearly the kiss of death for them. He promises in his VT he will give everything. Which is clearly less than the 150% Simon specified. No wonder Danyl was voted off.
He’s singing Man in the Mirror and sounds very hoarse and nasal. Simon covers his mouth in disgust. Then a polar bear appears on the screen. What? Then there’s a choir – sadly not of kids this week. This is a choir of adults, one of which looks exactly like Alexandra Burke.
Louis Walsh is bemused by the polar bear and hilariously and acutely asks if Simon thought he was doing Earth Song. Louis is the sharpest judge on the panel. I have written it. It is so. Cheryl says Danyl gave 110%. Again, this is 40% too little.
Danyl’s second VT features his Mum. His Mum says Danyl is such a giving person. I always assumed he was a taker but I admit his Mum knows him better than I do. Then he cries. Oh save it, Sheila.
He’s doing Whitney and does his bedroom eyes at me. Simon scowls back at him. Ha! His tone is again hoarse and girly, garbled. Leona was so much better. Duh. I know that goes without saying but I’m concerned no one’s ever said this to Simon. That Danyl was never going to be a worldwide success like Leona because he’s not very good. The performance is very 90s. It’s almost as if you’re watching Peabo Bryson or Luther Vandross.
The judges rave though Simon is still angry that Danyl’s not getting enough credit. I think Simon’s angry that Simon’s not getting enough credit. Danyl claims he’s his own worst critic. Girlfriend clearly hasn’t read my blog.
3. STACEY – ‘Four little words just to get me along’
Stacey’s first VT removes any references to Stacey being called a wedding singer. The X Factor is like that film The Forgotten: people and things are quickly erased from history. Then if you say ‘Simon called her a wedding singer’ people think you’re mad and you look as sad as Julianne Moore did and then yell ‘I’m not crazy.’ We see Stacey’s audition and remember how good she used to be when she sang and didn’t yell.
She’s doing a weird Buble cover of The Way You Make Me Feel. She awkwardly whores around on some chairs as if she’s an Olly Murs backing dancer. Her attempts to be sexy are as unsuccessful as on movie night. She’s sharp too and this doesn’t get any better when a tinny, but more conventional, backing track kicks in. The whole thing is flat and weird. Oh and she’s wearing no trousers and a Trilby hat. It’s like someone wearing a Tee and a scarf. Are you hot or cold? Make up your mind. Then some strange men in vests ‘get involved.’
Louis Walsh speaks the truth and says it was rubbish. Cheryl continues her Stacey pity praise and calls her a Yummy Mummy. Simon says it was affected and gimmicky and silly. And then some.
The second VT is dull and earnest. As is her song. It’s Somewhere from West Side Story, which I was forced to hear Rhydian do in three different (but ultimately identical) ways. Dannii really is desperate to make Stacey popera isn’t she? Shame Stacey’s more of a Norah Jones, best-when-barely-singing type. The verses are lovely in the way Norah Jones song are lovely. The tone is soft and intimate. Then the power notes begin and it’s working too. Is Stacey on the verge of her first great performance? Is she? Has she learned anything? No because she starts screaming and looks rough as when she does. She totally spoils it.
4. OLLY – ‘Shut your mouth because your shit might show’
On Olly’s VT we are told Olly is hardworking, likable and talented by Simon. I’m not sure telling us is enough. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen enough evidence to the contrary. His gut, for example, makes me think he’s naturally slothful. Olly has the unfugging bright lighting. Oh and when a judge say he’s ‘got the whole package’ we see that clip of him ripping his shirt open. Bravo, editors, bravo.
He’s doing Can You Feel It and sounds baaaaad. It’s like Lloyd is singing. His voice is weirdly deep and quaky. I wish so much he was doing Feel It by The Tamperer or at least some sort of bootleg like Jedward did on Queen week. And that we were shown in graphic detail what Olly would look like with a chimney on him because an actual chimney was dropped onto his fat head.
The judges love it and I don’t think they’re pretending. They want him in the final. I wrote in my notes that everyone but Danyl would be told this and I was right for round 1.
VT two wheels out the parents and the appropriately butch best mate. He says singing means evryfink to him. If only enunciation meant as much.
He looks absolutely furious when he sings. Maybe he thinks he’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting again. He’s doing the soul funk version of We Can Work It Out that nobody likes. That’s his third Beatles cover? Or fourth? He’s almost as bad as Leon doing a Buble song every week. Then there’s a stupid dance breakdown. It is no better than the singing but is a welcome relief from this singing. Then he kind of squats and crouches – it’s not dancing in a traditional, accurate sense of the word. It’s just a bit weird. The plus side is there are cool mirrors on stage which means we can see dozens of morons embarrassing themselves rather than just on the usual one.
Louis Walsh says it wasn’t a very well known song. I despair. Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One! I wish I didn’t already own it.
1. It is Michael Jackson week
This is a recycled theme that I’m not too happy about. Remember last year when Austin was the only good one that week? And when B.S.Ruth was so boring she ended up in the bottom two and had to unleash her Purple Rain? Simon specifies that 150% is required of the semi-finalists, which is a tough number to reach. This year’s MJ week is very different because this year Michael is a beloved and dead person and not a bankrupt and living person. Simon does the weirdest eulogy ever and poor old Janet has to be called Michael’s sister every time she’s mentioned. She also doesn’t get an interview after her results show performance and charmingly runs off the stage when Dermot gets on with the results business and the lights dim. Oh and her thunder is really stolen by Lady Gaga. Janet dancing maniacally and ‘sexily’ just can’t compare to the below.
2. I would not want to meet Lady Gaga
She performs her “unusual” song in a bathtub full of zombies. She also sings with less help than Stacey’s had in months. She’s dressed as a lego zombie though so it’s hard to take her too seriously. Oh and she yells ‘sing it X Factor’ with murderous intent. And also yells that she’s a ‘freak bitch, baby.’ I believe her, baby. The best bit is when Dermot interviews her while she’s in a bathtub full of zombies. This whole five minutes far surpasses Jedward’s entire run on the WTF meter.
3. Ding dong, the witch is dead!
I think this is the first Wizard of Oz gag I’ve made about the none-more-gayer Danyl. He hasn’t been the worst for weeks so there’s a vague sense he didn’t deserve to go but also great relief as he’s a tool.
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk’
Joe’s VT is an unfortunate reminder of how weird Joe used to look and sound. We also see cute baby pictures where he seems to be wearing a sari. I guess it’s dress up but it’s still weird. Simon speaks of Joe’s tone and how he’s almost note perfect. (Yet Simon insists that friend of Dorothy Danyl is the best singer. Why?) The VT backing music is beyond creepy. It sounds like it’s from a Disney remake of Battle Royale. It has menace and schmaltz in equal measure.
He’s singing She’s Out of My Life. She? Really? It should be clear whether Joe’s going to laugh or cry. Or live or die. Until Joe kind of starts crying. Again, just like his Elton number last week, this is exactly what Danyl wanted to do with Careless Whisper but failed in the eyes of many. To creep people out in a good way. Cheryl calls it ‘chilling’ which I’m not convinced is a compliment on Saturday night TV but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Joe’s second VT is a ‘Meet the Parents’ affair. Except without the slapstick: it’s just the schmaltz and the meeting of parents. Joe’s Gran and Dad have such strong Geordie accents that they sound stoned. Oh and the scary VT music is back.
Joe’s doing Open Arms by Journey, or Mariah if you prefer. Ha! There are purple strobe lights and falling fireworks. It’s not his best but it does make me want to listen to Open Arms. I don’t write down what the judges say but it should be obvious they are complimentary.
2. DANYL – ‘I’m asking him to change his ways’
Danyl can’t believe he’s still in the competition. This is just what Lloyd said the week before. And both times I wrote ‘Nor I’ in my notes. That tinge of self-awareness in contestants is clearly the kiss of death for them. He promises in his VT he will give everything. Which is clearly less than the 150% Simon specified. No wonder Danyl was voted off.
He’s singing Man in the Mirror and sounds very hoarse and nasal. Simon covers his mouth in disgust. Then a polar bear appears on the screen. What? Then there’s a choir – sadly not of kids this week. This is a choir of adults, one of which looks exactly like Alexandra Burke.
Louis Walsh is bemused by the polar bear and hilariously and acutely asks if Simon thought he was doing Earth Song. Louis is the sharpest judge on the panel. I have written it. It is so. Cheryl says Danyl gave 110%. Again, this is 40% too little.
Danyl’s second VT features his Mum. His Mum says Danyl is such a giving person. I always assumed he was a taker but I admit his Mum knows him better than I do. Then he cries. Oh save it, Sheila.
He’s doing Whitney and does his bedroom eyes at me. Simon scowls back at him. Ha! His tone is again hoarse and girly, garbled. Leona was so much better. Duh. I know that goes without saying but I’m concerned no one’s ever said this to Simon. That Danyl was never going to be a worldwide success like Leona because he’s not very good. The performance is very 90s. It’s almost as if you’re watching Peabo Bryson or Luther Vandross.
The judges rave though Simon is still angry that Danyl’s not getting enough credit. I think Simon’s angry that Simon’s not getting enough credit. Danyl claims he’s his own worst critic. Girlfriend clearly hasn’t read my blog.
3. STACEY – ‘Four little words just to get me along’
Stacey’s first VT removes any references to Stacey being called a wedding singer. The X Factor is like that film The Forgotten: people and things are quickly erased from history. Then if you say ‘Simon called her a wedding singer’ people think you’re mad and you look as sad as Julianne Moore did and then yell ‘I’m not crazy.’ We see Stacey’s audition and remember how good she used to be when she sang and didn’t yell.
She’s doing a weird Buble cover of The Way You Make Me Feel. She awkwardly whores around on some chairs as if she’s an Olly Murs backing dancer. Her attempts to be sexy are as unsuccessful as on movie night. She’s sharp too and this doesn’t get any better when a tinny, but more conventional, backing track kicks in. The whole thing is flat and weird. Oh and she’s wearing no trousers and a Trilby hat. It’s like someone wearing a Tee and a scarf. Are you hot or cold? Make up your mind. Then some strange men in vests ‘get involved.’
Louis Walsh speaks the truth and says it was rubbish. Cheryl continues her Stacey pity praise and calls her a Yummy Mummy. Simon says it was affected and gimmicky and silly. And then some.
The second VT is dull and earnest. As is her song. It’s Somewhere from West Side Story, which I was forced to hear Rhydian do in three different (but ultimately identical) ways. Dannii really is desperate to make Stacey popera isn’t she? Shame Stacey’s more of a Norah Jones, best-when-barely-singing type. The verses are lovely in the way Norah Jones song are lovely. The tone is soft and intimate. Then the power notes begin and it’s working too. Is Stacey on the verge of her first great performance? Is she? Has she learned anything? No because she starts screaming and looks rough as when she does. She totally spoils it.
4. OLLY – ‘Shut your mouth because your shit might show’
On Olly’s VT we are told Olly is hardworking, likable and talented by Simon. I’m not sure telling us is enough. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen enough evidence to the contrary. His gut, for example, makes me think he’s naturally slothful. Olly has the unfugging bright lighting. Oh and when a judge say he’s ‘got the whole package’ we see that clip of him ripping his shirt open. Bravo, editors, bravo.
He’s doing Can You Feel It and sounds baaaaad. It’s like Lloyd is singing. His voice is weirdly deep and quaky. I wish so much he was doing Feel It by The Tamperer or at least some sort of bootleg like Jedward did on Queen week. And that we were shown in graphic detail what Olly would look like with a chimney on him because an actual chimney was dropped onto his fat head.
The judges love it and I don’t think they’re pretending. They want him in the final. I wrote in my notes that everyone but Danyl would be told this and I was right for round 1.
VT two wheels out the parents and the appropriately butch best mate. He says singing means evryfink to him. If only enunciation meant as much.
He looks absolutely furious when he sings. Maybe he thinks he’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting again. He’s doing the soul funk version of We Can Work It Out that nobody likes. That’s his third Beatles cover? Or fourth? He’s almost as bad as Leon doing a Buble song every week. Then there’s a stupid dance breakdown. It is no better than the singing but is a welcome relief from this singing. Then he kind of squats and crouches – it’s not dancing in a traditional, accurate sense of the word. It’s just a bit weird. The plus side is there are cool mirrors on stage which means we can see dozens of morons embarrassing themselves rather than just on the usual one.
Louis Walsh says it wasn’t a very well known song. I despair. Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One! I wish I didn’t already own it.
Thex Factor – Ugly Pianist Week – ‘Saturday, Saturday, Saturday’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Ugly Pianist week
I can think of no other reason for making it both Elton John and Take That week. And for having Alicia Keys on. (Oh Snap!) GB Gary Barlow and Sir Elton Hercules John look a little similar too. Alicia Keys did a strange, patched together medley and won Dermot’s praise for not just plugging her new single. Alicia Keys looks so pretty (when she’s not singing) that I feel guilty about calling her ugly three sentences ago. Rihanna scares the hell out of people – presumably because Jedward weren’t there doing the same – by nuzzling against a white fur stole and singing about shooting people. She covered similar lyrical and sonic ground with Unfaithful and was decidedly less scary then.
2. I have not drunk all weekend and made ice cream
It made the X Factor far less interesting, as did the lack of the twins. I wanted so badly to drink my troubles away and watch those Irish twins prance and parade around and have silly hair. But my acute self-awareness, and the public’s cruelty last week, meant this could not be. Sober and twinless, this week’s live show was about as fun as plucking dick hairs with flimsy tweezers. Danyl was the funniest thing. Twice.
3. We've moved
And isn't it lovely here? The kitchen is new. The lintels are solid. I could really have some fun at this new address. Toga parties, the lot. Come visit thexfactorrankblog.blogspot.com often.
On with the rankings…
1. JOE – ‘Do. What. U. Like’
Lovable Geordie Joe minces to the top of the rankings for the first time with his own brand of pop covers made musical theatre. Well done him.
On his first VT, like all the others, we see him finding out his gash charity cover single is #1 and it makes him warmly imagine making #1 with his own gash Christmas cover single. Not long for him to wait. Joe does win some cool points for being excited to beat the Black Eyed Peas to #1 and for having some awareness of current yoot music. Simon snits that his Take That song choice is a little too obvious. He looks very smug as he says this (even though he’s given this song to one of his acts as recently as last year). Joe promises to give the performance ‘of me life.’ Why can’t he say ‘of my life?’ It’s annoying.
He does not give the performance of his life but his ‘Could It Be Magic?’ is sung well. There’s a strange shimmying around a picture frame dance routine but it can’t distract from how end of the gay pier this is. I like Joe but he needs to butch up fast. The judges are full of praise not just for Joe but for the whole spectacle. Choreographer to the stars Brian and the conductor are both thanked but the canteen woman is sadly missed out.
Joe’s second song is a redo (boo!) and another safe choice (the shame!) according to his second VT. It is worth noting that this is another song Simon gave Leona. The writing is on the toilet wall, people.
Joe’s Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word requires few apologies as it’s really very good. It’s quite dark and sparse, the way Danyl’s performance last week would have been if he chilled out. It’s quite wimpy then yelly which I suppose is meant to be a crescendo. There’s some arsing around with his mic which is meant to be dramatic but reads more as dramafag.
Joe forgets to smile during much of his very positive critique. Simon is gobsmacked and says Joe was a boy and is now a man. Simon says it was beautiful. Errr. Well gay. Cheryl says she is proud to be a Geordie because of Joe. No one is proud to be Welsh because of Lloyd.
2. DANYL – ‘I want love, but a different kind’
On Danyl’s VT we learn he’s going to dance at last and that his dance is very difficult. In fact it’s his hardest routine ever. Out of the 1 he’s done. Cheryl doubts he can both sing and dance at once, presumably because he’s failed to do either on so many past occasions. He’s a dance teacher so I had faith he’ll be fine.
Then I was proved wrong in the most wonderful way I could have imagined. He’s doing Relight My Fire and you just know he had to be stopped with force from dressing up like Lulu. He’s wearing a shirt cut to show man cleavage and his voice grates as much as ever. He dances like such a faggot. There is arm pointing and crotch thrusting and a sort of hula bit and grinding against no one. It’s like he’s the only one in the village and there’s no one to say ‘princess, you don’t have to dance like that. It’s not in the gay by-laws.’ At one point, I fear he will break into the YMCA. I don’t understand why he’s paid to teach people how to dance if this is his best. If all he can do is fag around and shake his dick at dancers, I dread to think what routines he gives the little ones to try.
Danyl claps for his dancers when he’s done in order to appear humble. Louis likes the gay club dancing even though we must assume he’s seen far better. Cheryl says it was camp as Christmas and liked it because she likes her queers flaming. I wish she wouldn’t compare that abomination to the birth of our Lord. And, to avoid offense, I must stress when I say abomination I mean Danyl.
Danyl’s second VT has repeated footage of him shouting at Yvie. Officially it’s him rehearsing his song but I want to make clear he is shouting and not singing. Simon helpfully tells us that if Danyl sings well he may stay in the competition. I’m not sure what I find more unpleasant: Simon’s love for the tautology or Danyl’s screaming.
Danyl wears an AIDS ribbon and performs with the same subtlety of that syndrome. He’s doing Your Song and begins the performance by screaming at us. I realise during this performance who Danyl reminds me of when he sings. It’s Shirley Bassey in Rock Profile. Champagne! Champagne for everyone! I’m glad to have sorted that out in my head. I think if he listened to more Dylan and less Bassey, he’d sing a lot better. And also dance butcher and act less toolish. I laugh audibly when a children’s choir come on stage. Simon is desperate to keep this cunt in the show, isn’t he? Danyl should be safe this week: at least a million grannies will vote for the nice choir. In Danyl’s defense, the singing greatly improved towards the end.
Louis quite rightly calls bullshit about the choir and says this is a gimmick too far. Dannii is nice and Danyl says ‘thanks, babe’ back to her. Eww. He’s so slimy. Cheryl gives him a Standing O and then gets some sense back and concludes it was ‘good.’ Simon says it was sensational and says Louis is a scrooge for criticising the choir / criticising Simon’s ridiculous tactics. Why must they bring up Christmas like this when discussing this cocksore?
3. STACEY – ‘Well it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind’
Stacey’s VT is gaspy and her dizzy bit is wearing thin but there are some bright patches. She acknowledges that she was overpraised this week and uses the word ‘womanly.’ She says it in her posh voice she uses to sound silly and ‘likable’ and it works for once. Damn you, Solomon! You've charmed me again!
She’s doing Rule The World and the verses are so gorgeous and subtle it makes me like a song I’ve hated for years. The backing vocals kick in and help her out a lot: it feels like a massive cheat. She starts screaming as is de rigeur this year. (How I long for the pleasant wailing that we got every show last year!) There’s a popera feel for the performance that works but the graphics behind her look very weird. I think it’s meant to be a star but it looks like a sun made out of honey. I write in my notes ‘that was good tho’ but I’m not fussed about it after the fact. A bit too much screaming for my taste.
Stacey tells us on her VT she loves her second song but is worried about lying down during her performance. Christ, first there was walking, then lusting, now she’s worrying about lying down. What other basic functions frighten her so? Simon rightly worries all her performances sound the same and that she’s a wedding singer. This is fair but kind of new. He has been ‘bumming’ her performances for weeks because the script has called for him to keep the last woman in for a bit longer. Why voice these doubts now when nothing’s changed?
She looks like a wedding singer and doesn’t sound great. She’s doing the song that was Candle In The Wind’s B-side (and that Elton puts on all his compilations and pretends people like and that didn’t just happen to be on the same bit of plastic that people felt they had to buy because of a strange, mass hysteria that we pretended was grief.) Gosh, that was a long sentence. It would have been quicker, though far less descriptive, to say she’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Try and hum that song! I’ll give you a pound if you can. Stacey sings poorly here, whether lying down or standing up. She tries to shimmy and smile but it’s still like watching Bambi trying to skate. All her performances do sound the same.
Louis preferred Rule The World as did anyone with ears. Cheryl thought she looked uncomfortable and gives her pity praise using the words ‘under the circumstances’ to make clear it is pity praise. Simon says she’s unoriginal, not as good as Leona and a wedding singer. He offers the cold comfort that at least her other song was good.
4. OLLY – ‘B-b-b-bennie and the Jets’
Olly is being given a lesser-known Take That song that is apparently one of Simon’s favourites. Or, it’s a song he’d never heard before Beautiful, Spanish Ruth SMASHED it last year.
He starts by serenading a horsey woman in the audience. She looks uncomfortable, possibly because Olly’s mole is throbbing. It goes on and on as is boring. The song, not the mole. And, like Danyl’s Purple Rain, it only serves to remind you how much better Beautiful, Spanish Ruth or half of last year’s lot were than these dicks. Compare Laura doing God Bless The Child, Diana trying U2 or Alexandra shaking violently to Hallelujah to any of this year’s performances and it’s like you’re watching a different show now. A show that’s only shown on freeview at two in the morning. Whoever wins this year will be a Leon or a Steve.
The crowd chants because they liked Leon or Steve until they were written out of history. Louis wants Olly in the final three though Dannii feared he had dead eyes. Cheryl liked hearing him sing for once and not "dance." I did not.
Simon makes me like him briefly when he says in VT two, Olly’s got ‘the only butch Elton John song.’ Ha! Olly is dressed like a lumberjack in this VT and his hair is inexplicable.
He’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting because this show glorifies thuggery. Look at its princess. There are slutty women wearing boxer’s robes and carrying cardboard boxing round signs. That’s quite a visual conceit. Well done Brian and show! I can’t get over how inappropriate this song is for family entertainment and how crazed Olly looks. The singing becomes a footnote.
Louis says there was something missing but earns the season’s largest single award of cool points by saying he likes the ‘funny dancing.’ There are lame boxing puns from the women and then Simon speaks methodically and scientifically of Olly giving between 10 and 20% extra. Simon makes Maths such fun, he should become a teacher. If Olly is in a rowboat going 20 miles a hour, giving 110%, what is the probability he will dance poorly? 100%
5. LLOYD – ‘I wanna be the main event, like no King was before’
On Lloyd’s VT he wonders why he’s still in the competition. He is not alone. Lloyd in the final five? Really? He looks ridiculously fit now it has to be said. When he’s being fed lines for his VT that is.
When he has to fend for himself, it all goes wrong. He’s doing A Million Love Songs and his voice is – well, I don’t like his voice. Suffice to say, he’s flat and sounds odd. Strange and strained. I thought the song choice might be enough to keep him in as it’s the perfect song to get pubescent girls voting.
Louis says it wasn’t great but was better. Dannii is styled like she’s on her way to a toga party. Or a Grecian orgy. It’s very weird. I think she has olive branches in her hair. Simon says he ‘sang it okay.’ Simon seems bored even discussing it.
Thanks to Lloyd’s second VT, we learn he’s scared of heights. He really is a wet lettuce, isn’t he? He has to be lifted all of three feet in the air for his routine and shrieks every time this is rehearsed. Louis makes an awesome gag about how Lloyd is never going to be famous.
He’s doing I’m Still Standing which is the nearest thing to a diss Lloyd is capable of. He is flat, again, but looks fit, again. There is a lot of nonsense with canes. The vocals become painfully bad during the choruses. He attempts a falsetto flourishe and gulps like a drunk instead. It’s over for him Saturday night. And then he goes home the next day. He gets the fewest votes and is the worst singer so there’s no arguments here. Or to put it more childishly: too bad, so sad, that we got to see you with fit hair, we are glad.
1. It is Ugly Pianist week
I can think of no other reason for making it both Elton John and Take That week. And for having Alicia Keys on. (Oh Snap!) GB Gary Barlow and Sir Elton Hercules John look a little similar too. Alicia Keys did a strange, patched together medley and won Dermot’s praise for not just plugging her new single. Alicia Keys looks so pretty (when she’s not singing) that I feel guilty about calling her ugly three sentences ago. Rihanna scares the hell out of people – presumably because Jedward weren’t there doing the same – by nuzzling against a white fur stole and singing about shooting people. She covered similar lyrical and sonic ground with Unfaithful and was decidedly less scary then.
2. I have not drunk all weekend and made ice cream
It made the X Factor far less interesting, as did the lack of the twins. I wanted so badly to drink my troubles away and watch those Irish twins prance and parade around and have silly hair. But my acute self-awareness, and the public’s cruelty last week, meant this could not be. Sober and twinless, this week’s live show was about as fun as plucking dick hairs with flimsy tweezers. Danyl was the funniest thing. Twice.
3. We've moved
And isn't it lovely here? The kitchen is new. The lintels are solid. I could really have some fun at this new address. Toga parties, the lot. Come visit thexfactorrankblog.blogspot.com often.
On with the rankings…
1. JOE – ‘Do. What. U. Like’
Lovable Geordie Joe minces to the top of the rankings for the first time with his own brand of pop covers made musical theatre. Well done him.
On his first VT, like all the others, we see him finding out his gash charity cover single is #1 and it makes him warmly imagine making #1 with his own gash Christmas cover single. Not long for him to wait. Joe does win some cool points for being excited to beat the Black Eyed Peas to #1 and for having some awareness of current yoot music. Simon snits that his Take That song choice is a little too obvious. He looks very smug as he says this (even though he’s given this song to one of his acts as recently as last year). Joe promises to give the performance ‘of me life.’ Why can’t he say ‘of my life?’ It’s annoying.
He does not give the performance of his life but his ‘Could It Be Magic?’ is sung well. There’s a strange shimmying around a picture frame dance routine but it can’t distract from how end of the gay pier this is. I like Joe but he needs to butch up fast. The judges are full of praise not just for Joe but for the whole spectacle. Choreographer to the stars Brian and the conductor are both thanked but the canteen woman is sadly missed out.
Joe’s second song is a redo (boo!) and another safe choice (the shame!) according to his second VT. It is worth noting that this is another song Simon gave Leona. The writing is on the toilet wall, people.
Joe’s Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word requires few apologies as it’s really very good. It’s quite dark and sparse, the way Danyl’s performance last week would have been if he chilled out. It’s quite wimpy then yelly which I suppose is meant to be a crescendo. There’s some arsing around with his mic which is meant to be dramatic but reads more as dramafag.
Joe forgets to smile during much of his very positive critique. Simon is gobsmacked and says Joe was a boy and is now a man. Simon says it was beautiful. Errr. Well gay. Cheryl says she is proud to be a Geordie because of Joe. No one is proud to be Welsh because of Lloyd.
2. DANYL – ‘I want love, but a different kind’
On Danyl’s VT we learn he’s going to dance at last and that his dance is very difficult. In fact it’s his hardest routine ever. Out of the 1 he’s done. Cheryl doubts he can both sing and dance at once, presumably because he’s failed to do either on so many past occasions. He’s a dance teacher so I had faith he’ll be fine.
Then I was proved wrong in the most wonderful way I could have imagined. He’s doing Relight My Fire and you just know he had to be stopped with force from dressing up like Lulu. He’s wearing a shirt cut to show man cleavage and his voice grates as much as ever. He dances like such a faggot. There is arm pointing and crotch thrusting and a sort of hula bit and grinding against no one. It’s like he’s the only one in the village and there’s no one to say ‘princess, you don’t have to dance like that. It’s not in the gay by-laws.’ At one point, I fear he will break into the YMCA. I don’t understand why he’s paid to teach people how to dance if this is his best. If all he can do is fag around and shake his dick at dancers, I dread to think what routines he gives the little ones to try.
Danyl claps for his dancers when he’s done in order to appear humble. Louis likes the gay club dancing even though we must assume he’s seen far better. Cheryl says it was camp as Christmas and liked it because she likes her queers flaming. I wish she wouldn’t compare that abomination to the birth of our Lord. And, to avoid offense, I must stress when I say abomination I mean Danyl.
Danyl’s second VT has repeated footage of him shouting at Yvie. Officially it’s him rehearsing his song but I want to make clear he is shouting and not singing. Simon helpfully tells us that if Danyl sings well he may stay in the competition. I’m not sure what I find more unpleasant: Simon’s love for the tautology or Danyl’s screaming.
Danyl wears an AIDS ribbon and performs with the same subtlety of that syndrome. He’s doing Your Song and begins the performance by screaming at us. I realise during this performance who Danyl reminds me of when he sings. It’s Shirley Bassey in Rock Profile. Champagne! Champagne for everyone! I’m glad to have sorted that out in my head. I think if he listened to more Dylan and less Bassey, he’d sing a lot better. And also dance butcher and act less toolish. I laugh audibly when a children’s choir come on stage. Simon is desperate to keep this cunt in the show, isn’t he? Danyl should be safe this week: at least a million grannies will vote for the nice choir. In Danyl’s defense, the singing greatly improved towards the end.
Louis quite rightly calls bullshit about the choir and says this is a gimmick too far. Dannii is nice and Danyl says ‘thanks, babe’ back to her. Eww. He’s so slimy. Cheryl gives him a Standing O and then gets some sense back and concludes it was ‘good.’ Simon says it was sensational and says Louis is a scrooge for criticising the choir / criticising Simon’s ridiculous tactics. Why must they bring up Christmas like this when discussing this cocksore?
3. STACEY – ‘Well it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind’
Stacey’s VT is gaspy and her dizzy bit is wearing thin but there are some bright patches. She acknowledges that she was overpraised this week and uses the word ‘womanly.’ She says it in her posh voice she uses to sound silly and ‘likable’ and it works for once. Damn you, Solomon! You've charmed me again!
She’s doing Rule The World and the verses are so gorgeous and subtle it makes me like a song I’ve hated for years. The backing vocals kick in and help her out a lot: it feels like a massive cheat. She starts screaming as is de rigeur this year. (How I long for the pleasant wailing that we got every show last year!) There’s a popera feel for the performance that works but the graphics behind her look very weird. I think it’s meant to be a star but it looks like a sun made out of honey. I write in my notes ‘that was good tho’ but I’m not fussed about it after the fact. A bit too much screaming for my taste.
Stacey tells us on her VT she loves her second song but is worried about lying down during her performance. Christ, first there was walking, then lusting, now she’s worrying about lying down. What other basic functions frighten her so? Simon rightly worries all her performances sound the same and that she’s a wedding singer. This is fair but kind of new. He has been ‘bumming’ her performances for weeks because the script has called for him to keep the last woman in for a bit longer. Why voice these doubts now when nothing’s changed?
She looks like a wedding singer and doesn’t sound great. She’s doing the song that was Candle In The Wind’s B-side (and that Elton puts on all his compilations and pretends people like and that didn’t just happen to be on the same bit of plastic that people felt they had to buy because of a strange, mass hysteria that we pretended was grief.) Gosh, that was a long sentence. It would have been quicker, though far less descriptive, to say she’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Try and hum that song! I’ll give you a pound if you can. Stacey sings poorly here, whether lying down or standing up. She tries to shimmy and smile but it’s still like watching Bambi trying to skate. All her performances do sound the same.
Louis preferred Rule The World as did anyone with ears. Cheryl thought she looked uncomfortable and gives her pity praise using the words ‘under the circumstances’ to make clear it is pity praise. Simon says she’s unoriginal, not as good as Leona and a wedding singer. He offers the cold comfort that at least her other song was good.
4. OLLY – ‘B-b-b-bennie and the Jets’
Olly is being given a lesser-known Take That song that is apparently one of Simon’s favourites. Or, it’s a song he’d never heard before Beautiful, Spanish Ruth SMASHED it last year.
He starts by serenading a horsey woman in the audience. She looks uncomfortable, possibly because Olly’s mole is throbbing. It goes on and on as is boring. The song, not the mole. And, like Danyl’s Purple Rain, it only serves to remind you how much better Beautiful, Spanish Ruth or half of last year’s lot were than these dicks. Compare Laura doing God Bless The Child, Diana trying U2 or Alexandra shaking violently to Hallelujah to any of this year’s performances and it’s like you’re watching a different show now. A show that’s only shown on freeview at two in the morning. Whoever wins this year will be a Leon or a Steve.
The crowd chants because they liked Leon or Steve until they were written out of history. Louis wants Olly in the final three though Dannii feared he had dead eyes. Cheryl liked hearing him sing for once and not "dance." I did not.
Simon makes me like him briefly when he says in VT two, Olly’s got ‘the only butch Elton John song.’ Ha! Olly is dressed like a lumberjack in this VT and his hair is inexplicable.
He’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting because this show glorifies thuggery. Look at its princess. There are slutty women wearing boxer’s robes and carrying cardboard boxing round signs. That’s quite a visual conceit. Well done Brian and show! I can’t get over how inappropriate this song is for family entertainment and how crazed Olly looks. The singing becomes a footnote.
Louis says there was something missing but earns the season’s largest single award of cool points by saying he likes the ‘funny dancing.’ There are lame boxing puns from the women and then Simon speaks methodically and scientifically of Olly giving between 10 and 20% extra. Simon makes Maths such fun, he should become a teacher. If Olly is in a rowboat going 20 miles a hour, giving 110%, what is the probability he will dance poorly? 100%
5. LLOYD – ‘I wanna be the main event, like no King was before’
On Lloyd’s VT he wonders why he’s still in the competition. He is not alone. Lloyd in the final five? Really? He looks ridiculously fit now it has to be said. When he’s being fed lines for his VT that is.
When he has to fend for himself, it all goes wrong. He’s doing A Million Love Songs and his voice is – well, I don’t like his voice. Suffice to say, he’s flat and sounds odd. Strange and strained. I thought the song choice might be enough to keep him in as it’s the perfect song to get pubescent girls voting.
Louis says it wasn’t great but was better. Dannii is styled like she’s on her way to a toga party. Or a Grecian orgy. It’s very weird. I think she has olive branches in her hair. Simon says he ‘sang it okay.’ Simon seems bored even discussing it.
Thanks to Lloyd’s second VT, we learn he’s scared of heights. He really is a wet lettuce, isn’t he? He has to be lifted all of three feet in the air for his routine and shrieks every time this is rehearsed. Louis makes an awesome gag about how Lloyd is never going to be famous.
He’s doing I’m Still Standing which is the nearest thing to a diss Lloyd is capable of. He is flat, again, but looks fit, again. There is a lot of nonsense with canes. The vocals become painfully bad during the choruses. He attempts a falsetto flourishe and gulps like a drunk instead. It’s over for him Saturday night. And then he goes home the next day. He gets the fewest votes and is the worst singer so there’s no arguments here. Or to put it more childishly: too bad, so sad, that we got to see you with fit hair, we are glad.
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