These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s bootcamp, bitches
Yes, after weeks of drawn-out auditions, marred by a tacky new format and a notable lack of good singers, we are at bootcamp. And ITV got through the whole thing in two episodes. The 200 or so successful auditionees are now 24. The show is back on track. Dreams were dashed, bands were created and men with Asperger’s had their rehabilitation halted with a hug. I can’t in good conscience thoroughly rank 200 singers, especially as we don’t see most of them. The next salient facts will reveal how it all went down instead
2. There was a group-sing round
Just like lessons on the first day of school, people with low self-esteem and heightened anxiety were made to team up for a fun activity. And be watched and judged by all the other, cooler kids wearing Ralph Lauren gym shorts.
The judges sent them home or sent them through just after they’d sung. So they’re left to wriggle around on stage during the deliberation like they’ve just wet themselves and they’re waiting for the cleaner to open the lost property cupboard. Am I pushing this primary school metaphor too far? Who cares. I’m done now.
Bad club singers It Takes 2 found they were even worse with other people on stage and got the boot. Evil twins John & Edward (you remember them? They looked like a twin porn version of the vampire from Twilight) sang over some ugly girl’s part. Miss Fitz were awesome even though they’re now a duo (Where is the other one?) and three scary women teamed up for a cover of That’s Life with pleasant wailing as the chief result. These women were told they’d make a good group, probably because they’re too ugly to be solo singers. Snap! And, more on this later
3. There was a solo round
In front of an audience of 4,000 these fools had to sing again to make a place in the final 50.
Joseph from Newcastle remains the most punchable contestant since Quigg or Quinn. I’m going to need a girl to explain him to me. The voice is fag on toast, the skin is blotchy and the hair is made entirely of gel. And he sings Luther Vandross and George Michael in a thin, nasal American accent. Why is this good?
Welsh schoolgirl Lucie Jones was surprisingly strong but you know the most pleasant wailing don’t come from no skinny ass white girl. Rachel Adedeji redid that dreadful Paolo Nutini song as a Toni Braxton album track and Nicole Lawrence proved she could sing, or at least scream or growl, with a Jennifer Hudson redo. Top marks for both! Daniel was as good as ever and his mohican is now a much butcher green.
The aforementioned ugly women were eliminated just after this round but then were called to a staff room and given the opportunity to continue as a group. They say Yes but don’t seem happy. I guess because they’ve just told they’re not very good on their own.
4. There was another solo round
This time it was to make the top 24, or the judges’ home stage. It’s the same thing.
Oliver Murs earned my wrath this evening. I discovered during the heavy screen time he was given that he has a big mole by his nose. He just gets hotter doesn’t he! I like an Essex boy as much as any wannabe wag but we need to review the facts here. He can barely sing (as evidenced by his Top 50 ‘Your Song’ performance), he is a moron (as evidenced by forgetting the words on Saturday night’s show AND that he won just £10 on Deal or No Deal) and he is only attractive in a moley, boss-eyed, flat-faced pasty way. Having a nice jumper does not make you a popstar.
Ugly girl band win some cool points for rapping over their audition. Danyl redid Simply Red as beatbox gospel and it was shit. (N.B. Danyl ‘Oooh, I’m a bit gay but I only talk about it for money’ Something was shit. Daniel ‘I was in One True Voice but am awesome’ Pearce is awesome every time we’re shown him. Which has been twice. )Stacey looks more like Amy Winehouse every episode: she has the nose, the scary eye-make up, the tottering heels, the mumble and the accent. Stacey is the most restrained singer in the contest and has cool points to spare.
And I am fast becoming convinced that Jamie Afro is rubbish. He has a very rubbery face and sings like a Disney character. He’s also very corny and can’t stop asking the audience to sing along. There’s a reason he sings in bad clubs. He was born to.
The top 24 is chosen soon after. Miss Fitz, Curfew Curtis with the tracking device and Double Asperger with Cheese are all given the heave-ho. I wonder if the latter will go back to being a shut-in. Leaving the house for this show hasn’t really worked out: I hope it doesn’t put him off leaving the house in general.
5. It’s Judges’ Homes next week
Oliver Bloody Murs and Joseph are in the top 24 and if both go through to the live rounds I will not watch. Daniel, Stacey and the fit American are still around though so it’s not all bad. Dannii has the girls who won't win, Cheryl has the boys who might, Simon has the old people who might and Louis has the groups for the fourth time in six years. He took it well though. Probably because he wants to make some Twilight twin porn. He's playing Bella.
Judges’ Homes is my favourite bit of the show. I will spend the whole results show next Sunday crying as I do every year. It’s wrought!
On with some token rankings....
1. Daniel
He is awesome but I know Simon will put through the showy fuckers like Danyl 'Yeah, that's right, tear that up' Something, unsexy sex symbol Oliver Murs or Jamie the tool
2. Stacey
She is always great and I applaud her for not shrieking whenever she receives good news.
3. Rachel
She made me like Paolo Nutini. Point Adedeji!
22. John & Edward
Do you know which one's which yet?
23. Oliver
If Gary Barlow couldn't sing. Or write. Phwoar!
24. Joseph
The album will come out Mother's Day week. He'll get a part in Grease. Going on the show is just a formality. A formality that should be skipped for all our sakes.
Monday 28 September 2009
Sunday 27 September 2009
A survey
If you asked Simon Cowell to marry you do you think he'd say...
a. for all the right reasons, it's a no
or
b. I'm going to put you out of your misery, it's good news
Full bootcamp recap will come mid week. Let it be known in advance that Daniel from One True Voice is awesome, that Oliver Murs suddenly has a mole to make him that bit more ugly, that gay men like black women wailing, that Ethan remains fit and that Jamie Afro remains as big of a tool as we'd first thought.
a. for all the right reasons, it's a no
or
b. I'm going to put you out of your misery, it's good news
Full bootcamp recap will come mid week. Let it be known in advance that Daniel from One True Voice is awesome, that Oliver Murs suddenly has a mole to make him that bit more ugly, that gay men like black women wailing, that Ethan remains fit and that Jamie Afro remains as big of a tool as we'd first thought.
Tuesday 22 September 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 5 & 6 – ‘It takes two, baby, it takes two, baby’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
Saturday 19 September 2009
Oliver, Oliver
Oliver Murs has the Internet all a-flutter. People have been driven to my blog in the millions searching for info about the boss-eyed Essex Hottie.
Recent searches have included
"oliver murs jumper"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
as well as my personal favourite...
"x factor guy useless superstitious"
Full rankings of the last two audition shows will come midweek. Love you long time.
Recent searches have included
"oliver murs jumper"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
as well as my personal favourite...
"x factor guy useless superstitious"
Full rankings of the last two audition shows will come midweek. Love you long time.
Sunday 13 September 2009
Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And on and on the rain will fall'
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.
2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!
3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.
On with the rankings…
1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.
2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.
3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.
4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.
5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.
6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.
7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!
1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.
2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!
3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.
On with the rankings…
1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.
2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.
3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.
4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.
5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.
6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.
7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!
Sunday 6 September 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 3 – ‘Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good, damn I’m so hood’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)