The actor who plays Gingerman was attacked and can't act for a while. I make numerous references in my blog to how he couldn't act when I watched him and I feel a little guilty.
I again urge you to watch American Idol as one of the contestants is well fit lol and I hope you enjoy the piece below:
Pipe Dream
Millions of people watch Coronation Street. Millions of people from that group even look forward to it. Millions commit to this show several times a week, every week of the year. Millions of people have body clocks with an innate alarm, set for 7:30.
This won’t be true for millions of people but I reckon that the guts, stomachs and bowels of some Corrie fans are carefully synchronised so that they never have to shit during their favourite show.
I’m not one of these people. I’ve never had an interest in soaps. When I was younger, I watched Eastenders a bit because I liked the accent. I wanted Grant Mitchell to wink at me and call me ‘Treacle.’ I watched Neighbours too during a phase because at least the cast had good skin. But Corrie’s a different beast. Instead of offering something foreign or vaguely erotic, it merely offers a different version of my home city. A miserable version of that city: one that I’ve never known and never want to know.
I also don’t have a lot of time for other people’s problems. So the idea of watching marriages fail and pasty people being murdered doesn’t appeal. To me, Coronation Street is like an annoying colleague who keeps telling you about those times she was raped or about her family’s medical history. But as I’ve been asked to write about this soap for Hive, I’m going to have to spend some time with that frequently-raped and constantly-troubled colleague and try to make friends with her. I’m going to have to summarise her movements the way I summarised The X Factor every week on my blog.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a whole episode of this show so I’ve no idea what anyone is called. I’ve had to rename them, like I’m Adam overseeing a dreary, poorly-acted Eden. If die-hard fans know the real names of Gaptooth and Trampyman, hats off to you.
Let the summary of Coronation Street, episode first aired 21.01.09, begin.
(0)
The opening music is familiar but not in a good way. The flat sax is familiar in the way that getting dumped is familiar. The music feels like it could be coming from the saxophonist outside House of Fraser. A minute before he gets attacked by a stag night troupe.
I see a cat creeping near rooftops. I see that the director’s called Pip. That is a tough playground name. No wonder Pip was drawn to a show that catalogues one street’s miseries.
(1)
We begin with men in a van. They say ‘flamin’ hell’ when they get bad news because we’re before the watershed. It’s unclear what they’re so upset about.
(2)
Two young men read about a criminal in the newspaper. One is a ginger boy; the other has a shaved head and looks like an alien. There is more use of ‘flamin” by these two. Why do the scriptwriters like that word so much? What’s wrong with fudging? Or flipping?
There’s a ginger girl with a big gap in her teeth. It turns out Gaptooth’s last boyfriend is the criminal from the paper. She is very upset about her ex’s ways and Alienman offers her tea. A ‘nice’ cup of tea at that. Gingerboy offers her a bacon butty. These kind offers don’t help.
I’d like a bacon sandwich.
(3)
We learn an old man’s been robbed. The old man is one of the men from the van, or Vanman-1. He’s a builder and someone’s stolen his copper pipes.
Vanman-2 is younger, not much older than me, and I would.
Vanman-1 is wearing a Barbour waistcoat. I think he’s dressing so glamorously because he’s jealous of Vanman-2’s good looks.
A trampy-looking man offers Vanman-1 a bit of his sandwich to make him feel better. A bit of sandwich won’t bring back the Vanmen’s pipes, just as one wouldn’t mend Gaptooth’s broken heart.
Trampyman is unshaven, balding and has long flaps of ginger hair. He shivers and shakes a lot. He looks unwell in mind and body.
(4)
I see someone I recognise. She’s called Dawn or Gail. I think she was married to a serial killer. She has a similar hairdo to my Mum. Someone close to Dawn or Gail is missing. I don’t know who. She tells her children that ‘she doesn’t want to fight. She just wants to know he’s safe.’ I know no one’s names. They won’t tell me anything. This is getting frustrating.
(5)
Trampyman has a very posh house. Well, posh in a poor way. It has white leather sofas and a games console and glass objets d’arts. Trampyman has a young ginger son. The ginger quotient is so high on this show. I will call the son Gingerman. We will have to work through any possible confusion of Gingerman and Gingerboy together.
Gingerman has scraggly facial hair and is wearing bad jewellery but there is an attraction. I won’t lie to you about that. Trampyman discusses the Vanmen’s missing pipes with his son. Trampyman sucks his cheeks in the way that implies the sort-of-fit Gingerman may have been involved in the crime. Then, implication becomes full-on accusation. Trampyman tells Gingerman not to steal pipes from builders’ yards.
I take it back, I want to watch marriages collapse and people being murdered. I am bored of this missing pipe story.
(6)
We have a name! Dawn or Gail’s daughter is called Tina. Also, we learn who the missing man is! It’s Dawn or Gail’s man. Dawngailman’s been sleeping in a lock up because he’s embarrassed that he’s a labourer.
(7)
We learn another name when we see Mrs. Bromwell arrive for her hair cut. She’s a minor character I think but names are names. There’s some shit about who’s going to cut Mrs Bromwell’s hair. Whatevs.
(8)
The Vanmen discuss the missing pipes. Oh, send Obama to find them already. He’s going to create a world without pipe theft. I’m sure this was in his inauguration speech.
Vanman-2 has an angry face and looks a little like a potato. He is the world’s first angry potato. He wants to find the culprit.
Vanman-1 just wants to find the pipes. I think having a nice Barbour waistcoat has made him more relaxed about life than his hot-blooded colleague. It’s so hard to be angry in Barbour. I don’t think I’ve even raised my voice while wearing my quilted jacket.
Vanman-2’s bottom lip is coated with spit. These missing pipes have left him rabid.
The Vanmen blame Dawngailman for the crime because he’s poor.
(9)
In a burger place, an indie boy talks to an Asian girl through his nose. He looks like Alex Zane. I fucking hate Alex Zane. I hate the haircut they have in common too.
The Asian girl tells an Asian man that she’s working with Alex Zane, and not for him, because it pays 50p more an hour. Asianman is very slimy. He calls Asiangirl ‘Babe’ to prove that he is very slimy. His mouth says ‘Babe’ and his bedroom eyes say ‘ooh, I’ve got a stolen pipe to show you, love.’
Alex Zane says ‘that were easy’ when Asianman leaves. I’ve lived in Manchester my whole life and I know no one who talks like this.
(10)
Vanman-2 talks to Gingerman about the robbery. Gingerman is meant to look menacing and scheming. He achieves this by glaring and baring peggy little teeth. Someone’s been to Drama school!
Dawngailman appears and tells Gingerman to ‘sling ‘is ‘ook’, which prompts more menacing looks. The pipe stealer and the alleged pipe stealer hate each other! This is about more than pipes!
Gingerman accuses Dawngailman of the pipe theft and then gets shoved against a wall. Dawngailman does a very good angry face. He’s been to an even better Drama School than Gingerman. Dawngailman gets told that ‘he’s a few meats short of a casserole.’
We go to an advert break. I am very grateful. We learn that gourmet hot chocolates, discounted fireplaces and Kit Kats are available. There’s a very affecting advert about the different ways that the mentally ill face discrimination. It puts this pipe shit in perspective a little.
(11)
We’re back in the hair salon. A surprisingly posh old woman praises her young hairdresser for her strength. This refers to some back-story that I know nothing about. Maybe the hairdresser had some pipes stolen from her during an old plot arc and coped with it admirably.
(12)
Vanmen and Dawngailman eat a pub lunch. Big shock: there’s more pipe talk. Dawngailman knows he’s a suspect. He starts to storm off and is told by Vanman-1 to sit down and ‘eat ‘is ‘otpot.’
I think the obesity crisis can be blamed almost entirely on Coronation Street. I am convinced. This show encourages people to solve all their problems with food: sandwiches for property loss, bacon butties for heartache, ‘otpots for slander. There’s a little boy somewhere who’s getting bullied in school and weeps into ten ‘otpots a night, which he stuffs down even when he’s not hungry, because that’s how his favourite character on their favourite show deals with strife.
Vanman-1, you sicken me.
(13)
On the street, Alienman and Gingerboy discuss potential lovers for Gaptooth. A gay man is listed as an option. Gingerboy suggests that Alienman goes out with Gaptooth. I think this is wise. Let’s keep the ugly genes at the same end of the pool.
They enter the burger place. Alienman tells Asiangirl that a ‘bubble bum’ girl is now working in the corner shop. Where Asiangirl used to work! And Bubblebum used to work in the burger bar! Fuck pipes, this is the real drama.
Alex Zane pulls more ugly faces. His hair looks ridiculous. He has bed hair at the top and greasy clumpy bits near the bottom. This cheeky arctic monkey needs a good wash.
(14)
Dawn or Gail discusses Dawngailman with Vanmen. Dawngailman is called Joe. Vanmen explain to Dawn or Gail that Dawngailman is broke and that, as a rule, broke people steal pipes.
Dawn or Gail whispers every word. She thinks she’s in a David Hare play, not in this wank.
(15)
Alienman brings home chips for Gingerboy. But Gingerboy cannot enjoy these chips because he’s off to set up Gaptooth with a hot male.
Alienman then sits on his chips and says ‘Oh no’. This bit of physical comedy was entirely unwelcome.
(16)
Asiangirl and Bubblebum glare at each other and argue in Asianman’s corner shop. We learn that Asiangirl went to work at Alex Zane’s burger place because Asianman wouldn’t buy her a car. Plus, we learn that Asianman is her Dad. Yes, Asianman aimed those hungry eyes and the word ‘Babe’ at his daughter. Asianman owns both the burger place and this corner shop and says that his daughter will work where he says. Asiangirl shouts at him and calls him a narcissist.
(17)
The hairdresser is now chatting to Alienman. I clearly missed something during the haircut scene because there’s now talk of someone who disappeared suspiciously. The posh haircut woman seems to have offered some vital clue.
I’m past caring. I don’t like this show.
I like shows where people over-sing Hallelujah and Louis Walsh cries. Or where skinny women pose for pictures and have ‘you better work, bitch’ yelled at them by orange gay men. Or where a boy from Essex and a girl from Wales fall in love and the supporting cast overact.
(18)
Gaptooth and Gingerboy eat a fry-up in a greasy spoon cafe. This scene is my favourite.
Gaptooth is getting stared at by a man in a baseball cap, at the next table. He may be a teenager. The man at the next table boasts to Gaptooth that he can drive, only he doesn’t have a car or a license. Gaptooth looks perturbed. He then reads a poem about Gaptooth’s burning eyes and his own sore lips. It’s meant to be very rubbish, and it is, but I read far worse creative writing on my MA. Gaptooth rejects the poet who then leaves, saying his farewells in rhyme. He is by far the best character.
There’s then a touching moment where Gingerboy says this awkward set-up only occurred because Gingerboy didn’t like seeing Gaptooth so sad. Gaptooth says she don’t need no man to be happy but that she appreciates the thought. Gingerboy is called Chesney. Why are the scriptwriters telling me the names now? I wanted them at the beginning.
(19)
Dawn or Gail and her children discuss the missing pipes. The son suspects Gingerman and his uncle. The uncle’s not been in this episode. It would make more sense to me to have both pipe thieves appear in such a pipe theft-heavy episode but I’m no hotshot soap writer.
(20)
My favourite character is back, after a mercifully brief absence.
Poetman is lying in a bus’s path because he wants to die. Gingerboy and Gaptooth want him to get up. No one is taking his attempt too seriously. The group are almost run over by a silver car. No one is hurt.
We learn Poetman is affably suicidal because he thinks Gaptooth thinks he’s ugly. Gaptooth apologises to Poetman for being crabby. Poetman apologises to Gaptooth for being a big tool.
Poetman tells Gaptooth, and ergo tells us, that he fancied the puppet mermaid from Stingray. I fancied Virgil from Thunderbirds so I like Poetman even more now. Poetman then makes puppet-themed jokes about ‘no strings’ love and about getting splinters on his cock. Gaptooth is so amused that she smiles widely and shows her tooth gap proudly to the world. She gives Poetman permission to read the end of his poetic tribute to her.
Poetman’s limited skills are exposed by his use of a masculine rhyme scheme – yes, I know the terms – but, like I said, I’ve read worse. And I’ve bonded with Poetman because of our shared puppet-lust experiences so I’ll support him and his work to the death now.
(21)
Trampyman and Gingerman argue about the missing pipes. There’s talk of jail if Gingerman is caught! Gingerman says he’s had no role models and wants a better life. Trampyman says a better life won’t be acquired through petty pipe theft. Gingerman blames his father Trampyman’s hypocrisy, and love of ‘knock-offs,’ for his own criminal ways. I’m on Gingerman’s side for now because he has better hair.
Trampyman really hams it up now. He repeats himself for emphasis, flails his hair wildly and he does this weird Elvis-style sneer, but does this with his bottom lip. He looks crazed. He says ‘flamin” a few times too.
There’s someone at the door!
It’s Dawn or Gail’s son. He’s here to accuse Gingerman of stealing the pipes. Trampyman gives his son an alibi. Apparently they watched The Dark Knight on DVD. This is a watertight alibi.
Dawn or Gail’s son is called David. Dawn or Gail’s daughter Tina also appears. I know a whole family’s name now!
David upsets Gingerman greatly. In fact, Gingerman threatens to ‘lamp ‘im’ if he’s called a liar one more time. David does just that – by spelling the word out, the badass – and these two angry men have to be restrained by Trampyman and Tina.The thing is though – Gingerman is a liar so I don’t know why being called this is upsetting him so.
David is going to the police. The music comes and I’m relieved. I doubt I’ll ever watch again so I’ll never know if Poetman comes back to rhyme more monosyllabic words. I’ll never know if pipe thieves ever prosper. I’ll never know how many rural chic outfits Vanman-1 owns. Most importantly, I’ll never know why people enjoy this show.
