Thex Factor - Final - 'Come into the world, spice up your life'

1. LITTLE MIX - For a first time ever, a group win. But not just any group, one of those hastily-assembled boot camp groups. But not just any hastily-assembled boot camp group, no, in a bizarre twist ropey girl band Little Mix have won. You have to feel a little sorry for all the sluts in Hope, Addictiv Ladies, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain and the ropily-named ropey girl band Girl Band.

2. MARCUS - Oh how I loved his Hey Ya. It came with geek glasses and a giant plane. But it wasn't enough to beat the girls. I think their cover of Silent Night was the winner - 3 of the girls looked and sounded lovely and the fat one looked like a stuffed turkey. The chins, the chins! It was just all so christmassy.
(Fact fans: Alexandra and Little Mix sang Silent Night and won. Their runners-up were JLS and Marcus sang, who both sang Last Christmas. Badly.)

3. AMELIA - I was worried Amelia would win, what with her being an underdog and not being a *bad* singer. Her duet with Kelly was pretty cool also. I think it was only fair that she didn't win, since she'd already been eliminated. And at least she was a better sport about it this time. Well done for conquering the stinkface, woman!

Thex Factor - Final - 'Who run the world? Girls!'

A giant plane
Could not secure victory
Ropey girl band wins?

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – ‘Mother, mother, there’s far too many of us crying’

1. AMELIA LILLY – I loved her Disney Princess Avril cover. I liked the exaggerated whispering most – as if she was talking to her friendly, talking crab or woodlouse.

2. MISHA B – I liked her Disney Villain Pink cover far less. She looked exactly like Ursula the sea witch. Was Ursula the sea witch meant to be black? Thoughts on a postcard, please.

3. LITTLE MIX – Their Motown cover was wretched and sealed their fate as the worst vocalists ever to win this show. (Oooh! Three-week late spoiler!) But their Beyonce cover of If I Were A Boy was so full of pleasant wailing, it was bursting at the seams. Jesy really felt the song – possibly because she can benchpress more than a boy. Because she’s fat. I hope she reads this and it inspires her to lose some weight. Or at least to shut up about being fat.

4. MARCUS – Oh how Marcus has slumped! Last place again! His My Girl cover was sung well but completely weird as we know he is a great big bender. The fact he was so clearly ‘acting’ at being ‘normal’ made it all very West End. The other song was so shit, even the judges said so and Gary had to admit Marcus had a cold. ‘Can You Feel It?’ We could not.

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – 'Stop!'

Marcus sang to girls
Amelia yelled to sing
Misha B turned up

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'If lovin' you's wrong, then I don't wanna be right'

1. AMELIA LILY – Her T’Pau cover was a bit weird. And her Kelly Clarkson was a bit shouty but she didn’t have an awful performance so she comes out fighting in first place.

2. JANET – Now I thought Janet’s cover of that obscure song Under the Bridge by that obscure band Red Hot Chili Peppers was fab. But her Mmmbop (complete with in-mouth vomit, forgotten words and 13 year old boy voice breaking) was maybe the worst of the season. Between RHCP, Hanson and Sixpence None The Richer, it’s clear Janet really likes her 90s dorm pop, doesn’t she? She’s a 30 year old American bisexual trapped in a teenage Irishwoman’s body

3. LITTLE MIX – they horrified with their horrific Bieber cover. They amazed with their amazing Xtina cover. I like that the fat one with self esteem issues cried. Well played, fat one with self esteem issues, well done.

4. MISHA – Her first performance was very shrill and was the crazy ass, Tulisa-threatening Misha we came to love even after we were told not to. Her second was sluggish and dull. I was amazed she made it through after all this.

5. MARCUS – Marcus had his first stinky week with no good performance. His guilty pleasure track was well sung I suppose but I had to look up what song he did. (It was Wham!) His Stevie Wonder song was so dull and so out of tune however. I’m not sure why he was given such a tongue bath. Maybe the judges want another male winner after the sterling sales of Joe McElderry.

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'I'm good at being bad'

Janet Devlin is gone
Somewhere Vickers removes pins,
Laughs so viciously

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Let's all go the lobby!'

1. LITTLE MIX – They did one of my favourite songs. And they sounded good! There’s never any harm in a bit of En Vogue. I love when the X Factor has 90s RnB. Like when Eoghan did Mariah. Or Alexandra unbroke my heart. This is the new direction for Little Mix, I’ve decided. Next week they should do The Boy Is Mine and punch each other.

2. JANET – The Irish beauty/The celtic bore took on Kiss Me – another one of my favourite songs. And a dear friend’s wedding song. It is not boring but it is predictable. She sounds exactly like Vickers and Goulding who in turn sound exactly like Sixpence None the Richer because they spent their impressionable years listening to Kiss Me like I did.

3. AMELIA - tried a rocked out version of Aretha. Well rocked out in the way that One Direction used to rock out, so that every song sounds like Since U Been Gone. I can’t get over how rough and hard and old Amelia looks. Is it from botox or daddy issues?
In other news, Tulisa didn’t think that Think is a well-known song because she doesn’t know it. Surely Think is better known than any N Dubz song? Or any Joe McElderry song?

4. MARCUS - I was told he was doing a song from Sister Act. I was desperately looking forward to Hail Holy Queen or My Guy. Either would have been hilarious. Instead, he tried one of Steve Brookstein’s signature songs. The gospel choir are fun as is the pink suit but the song bores me profoundly. And the staging makes Marcus look very West End.

5. MISHA B – Manchester’s favourite bully bleated a Jennifer Hudson impression of a Whitney Houston song. It’s a little like when you photocopy something twice and the ink gets thinner and you pick up lots of little black specks that weren’t there to start with.

6. CRAIG – When they announced Craig was taking on Bond, I wrote in my notes ‘A bond classic? Goldfinger? Could he get gayer? Oh wait. It’s gladys knight. Much butcher.’
Kelly praised him for always bringing a vocal. Is the bar set that low? Well done for turning up and singing rather than filling out a tax return.