These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It was more of the same
More drama! More prossy! More pleasant wailing! For the first half of the show that is – it was just more performances. We got to hear everyone we wanted to and more. So Katie who I already ranked highly for being a covert bitch in my last post actually sang this time.
2. Announcements were made
They packed a lot into this hour and ten. They even managed to fit in a rule change whereby being 28 is officially old, not 25. Well done, producers. If only you could fit more of value into the auditions weeks. So as well as the new auditions, we were given the names of our final 32.
3. The girls are: Katie (covert bitch), Kerrie (filler), Racquel (fodder), Treyc (from last year), Annastacia (from two years ago), Rebecca (the whisperer), Cher (the badass rudegal) and Gamu (who becomes a hunchback after her name is called and then collapses into Dermot’s catholic arms). No vice girl Chloe – shame.
4. The boys are: John (no idea), Nicolo (diva), Paije (Louis's pet), Aiden (Gayface), Marlon (black Shayne Ward), Karl (no idea), Matt (who is good) and Tom (who is Welsh.) Harry is rejected at this stage but for some reason the cameras follow also-rejected Liam around even though he is transparently shit.
5. The oldies are: Steve (the househusband), Yuli (the Dutchwoman), Storm (and his Charisma Unique Nerve and Talent), Wagner (the red Indian who’s only really appeared on ITV2), Justin (orange gayface), John (?) and Mary (fat checkout lady). There’s an eighth person in this category but she is not named due to terrible editing and/or counting by X Factor bigwigs.
6. The groups are: Twem (French jedward), The Reason (boy band), Diva Fever (the Proud Marys), FYD (boy band), Princes & Rogues (boy band), Husstle (girl band). Because there wasn’t enough talent in this category they’ve also cobbled together a boy band and girl band out of contestants rejected in the proper categories. This means Harry and Liam still stick around in a boy band and no girls of interest stay around in a girl band.
7. The judges get their categories
Cheryl gets all the girls, she gets all the girls. Dannii has the boys, her previous winning category. Simon is stuck with groups while Louis definitely picks the short straw with the old people. Cheryl will probably win unless Matt suddenly becomes sexy. Here’s hoping he does.
On with the rankings…
1. GAMU – ‘This is Anti-Auotune’
We see her audition without autotune and it sounds way better. Big surprise
Her version of ‘Make You Feel My Love’ is pretty much perfect and pisses on the really very good versions we heard from Annastacia the other week and Katie this weekend. The wailing is excellent and her voice breaks in a positive, Vickersian way. There’s a power note that’s somehow really a whimper that floats away to nothing. Someone in the audience cries and so does Louis. The Jesse.
2. NICOLO – ‘Diva is a female version of a hustler’
Nicolo definitely wins points for personality by bitching about the Bootcamp experience. He says ‘the air conditioning is crazy’ which is exactly the sort of thing that Nikki Grahame or myself would complain about. And that’s not a good thing. He also says ‘they don’t call it boot camp for nothing’ which amused me as surely he’d know from gay porn what boot camp is really like. He also chooses to spend his time with the coaches bitching he doesn’t have a mic stand. On stage, he’s doing Life on Mars and he’s quite good. He builds his performance and somehow manages to be heard over a very loud band. The producers must hate him because the loudness of the band was at a ‘sabotage’ volume rather than ‘incompetent mixing’ volume.
3. DIVA FEVER – ‘Big and strong, enough to turn me on’
My inner child is confused and my inner snark is infuriated when these proud Marys walk on stage. They tell us they are ‘Friends’ and have known each other for a few years. We must assume they’ve been more than friends after a few poppers. One is wearing a croptop because he’s got confused again and thinks that being ‘the woman’ during anal means you are actually a woman. The manliest thing about them is their eye make up.
Onstage, one minces around and shrieks about how different they are. Arms flailng, voices piercing. Yes, they’re clearly very different. There’s nothing as different a flaming queer.
They then do Lady Gaga because there’s nothing as different as a gay who likes Gaga.
They’re so, so strained and high pitched. Officially, Gaga is more man than the pair of them. I bet they’re too girly to dance around in blood too. I’m very worried they’ll be in the final 12.
4. AIDAN – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
We see a VT of his first audition where gayface, closed eyes and shouting were the order of the day. And not even lovely tuneful shouting like we’d get from a Clarkson or a Lorenzo.
Aidan appears to have Rihanna’s haircut circa 2008 and we learns he’s doing This Year’s Love which is one of my favourite songs. I hope it shoots up the iTunes chart.
Brian Friedman tells him to open his damn eyes.
His version is very whiney and involves a lot of grimacing and lipshaking Then he forgets the words. Ha! His eyes of course stay clamped shut and he grabs at his shirt buttons like a twat. Then hops a bit. The consensus from the judges is that he needs to open his eyes. I think he needs to do a lot more but then I think Cher Lloyd is shit. I clearly know nothing. JERUSALURM!
5. REBECCA – 'The Voice Within'
It seems to be very deep within with this girl. Imperceptible even. Rebecca’s first audition featured weeping, closed eyes and what could most generously be described as whimpering instead of singing. On the plus side, she wore lovely pearls.
Vocal coach John Modi wants her to get out her brilliant voice. John Modi clearly suffers fools far too gladly. In her rehearsal, she sounds dreadful. There is no beautiful voice to get out. Oh and to top it all off, she has swapped her nice pearls for enormous hideous earrings.
She tells us that she ‘should continue on in this competition’ The phrase ‘continue on’ appears in every episode of America’s Next Top Model. Maybe she thinks she’s on that show? That would explain why she’s not attempting to sing well.
She does Corinne Bailey Rae as sung by a drunk. It’s whispery and whimpery and slurred and strained and shrill. She gets very sharp very easily. Simon oohs and aahs about her recording voice. I think she’d have to work hard to have a record-over-it voice. Still at least, she doesn’t rap. OPRAH! BELLS! RING-A-DINGIN!
Wednesday 29 September 2010
Sunday 26 September 2010
Thex Factor – Boot Camp 1 – ‘Many have used her and many still do’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s Boot Camp bitches
But without pregnant Dannii or malaria-ridden Cheryl. Too bad, so sad. I didn’t miss them this week. The show without them was awesome – easily the best of the season. And also, with them gone, Simon got to call them ‘lapdogs.’ Don’t believe me? Start watching 19 minutes in. This episode ruled on high. Elbow were not used as backing music – instead we got Muse, Joshua Radin and The Veronicas. And even the montages were well-executed and informative!
2. This episode had the following brilliant idea.
Everyone in each category did the same song. I know what you’re thinking – that happens anyway. Every year, someone does that song about how they’ve acted out their lives in or on stages. Every year, someone butchers Winehouse. Same shit every time blah blah blah. However, this time it was on purpose! The girls do Beyonce, the boys do Jacko, the groups do Starship (because nobody likes the groups) and the oldies went Gaga. It was an excellent way of seeing who could sing in tune (Harry) and who could scare the shit out of a vampire (Cher). It also allowed the editors to do some fun montages where we saw all the contestants sing no more than a line. They spent literally twelve seconds on the groups. I counted. Simon comapared the Oldies to Star Trek. Star Trek aliens or Star Trek fans? It’s not clear what he meant. Anyway the contestants are all different ages and weights and races and some are big band singers and some are opera singers so, yes, when you shove them all into a montage, they will look a bit weird.
3. Then the contestants had to dance and sing
First, they had to dance in a big group to Lady Gaga, which wasn’t judged but was still watched by judges who passed judgements. Hmm. Next was the singing and Thex would have you know that the show featured some brilliant auditions. And some not so brilliant. And some fascinating and divisive auditions. More on them in the subsequent rankings. But at least the show is getting interested. And they’ve mainly got rid of the sob stories in favour of following a whore around while she embarrasses herself.
On with the rankings…
1. MATT – ‘If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie’
I remembered painter/decorator being alright when he nervously auditioned with Winehouse a few weeks ago. I even ranked him second without being overly mean.
In his sort of sob story, he tells us he lives at home, which is ‘not ideal.’ I love how they’ve moved away from life-destroying traumas and disabilities to the ‘not ideal.’ Just as I worried he’d been eliminated with no fanfare, he appears and sings Roberta Flack. With lots of runs and falsetto and the most pleasant wailing. But it all makes sense and doesn’t feel showy and most importantly there is absolutely no shouting. I got misty but that may have been the wine. Matt for the win! For now.
2. KATIE – ‘Stop your bitching cos you’re so sad’
Katie receives second place for three main reasons. First, I still like her for calling Louis ‘Sir’ during Auditions. Second, she wins the “Harry from the other week” award for vocabulary by saying ‘daunting’ in a posh voice. Third, she says the following: “they’re all Beyonce-ing it out and I’m just a bit like [horrified face.]” She’s so above everyone and I loves it. In other news, she channels Amy Winehouse during the ‘same song for everyone’ round and is much better than her nearest rival Gamu, who in turn is much better without the autotune.
3. HARRY – ‘Disposable teens, disposable teens’
Harry appeared every ten minutes or so on this show to be adorable. His five seconds of Michael Jackson was probably the best we saw. He danced without embarrassing himself. His cover of Leona doing Oasis wasn’t so great but it was infinitely better than Liam’s. At least Harry kept his eyes open. And didn’t look terminally ill. Welsh Tom (who was made to sing twice then rejected then saved during some very staged business with Pixie Lott the other week) was praised for his dancing but little else. I think Harry has the cute teen place in the final twelve sewn up.
4. STORM – ‘Fuckin’ posers’
Aged rock star Storm won many many cool points when he told Simon he’d wow him with his Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. For those of you who struggle with acronyms, Storm just Simon he wants to show him his cunt. He then does Guns N Roses karaoke but it’s not bad at all. Even that gay duo are dancing along in the audience. Simon likes Storm's voice but says he wants to put it in someone else. I think every man who's met Storm would rather put "it" in someone else.
5. MARLON – ‘Everybody, they love a winner’
Marlon featured heavily in tonight’s show without really doing anything dramatic like forgetting his words or being a 100% English Yorkshire Slut. He must be in the top twelve to get that sort of edit. This makes him one to watch I guess. He has Shayne Ward’s exact speaking voice and a singing voice that is sadly no more interesting.
6. THE BAD DANCERS – ‘Just dance, gonna be ok.’
Teenager Zain has a big old strop because he doesn’t like dancing. Possibly because dancing is well gay. Anyway Simon somehow notices that someone from a group of a hundred and missing and knows the missing boy’s name through quick deduction. We are to believe this is not at all staged and I’m almost convinced as Simon is a much better actor than Pixie Lott. The other dancing drama comes from checkout lady Mary who has arthritis and “trobbing” knees. She makes up for her terrible dancing by shaking her tits onstage, earning guffaws from the judges and a place in Thex Factor’s heart forever. This whole dancing business was the doing of sacked judge / ‘Artistic director’ Brian Friedman. He makes demotion seem so glam! He wears a green hoody paint suit thing with his chest showing. He tells us he’s wearing something skimpy to make a statement. And that statement is ‘daddy issues’
7. TOBIAS – ‘It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad sad situation’
Clothing store manager, and the man responsible for that overstretched audition = job interview joke, Tobias forgot the words to Man in the Mirror. Even when everyone singing around him is doing the exact same song. What a div. On this show, that’s like forgetting your ABCs. He weeps to Dermot. Then later to us. But not when he’s been eliminated. Funny that. I guess when crying no longer helps your cause there’s no reason to do it.
8. CHLOE – ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies’
Vice girl Chloe went out partying the night before Bootcamp. She tells us: ‘I feel sick and I can taste vodka.’ The poor dear. Tis pity she’s a whore. Anyway, her shouty Beyonce cover is much better than any of her three audition songs. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough to keep her in if she didn’t have such a wonderful homelife. Or if she didn’t make the other contestants look so much better by comparison. She makes the various trampy girl groups (of which Husstle have the shittest name) seem as virginal as Louis.
Anyway, she’s lightly scolded by the vocal coach and by Dermot for not working hard. She seems convinced she is though, which is odd as you’d think an alleged whore would understand the value of money. She tells Dermot ‘She can do what she wanna be’ and he seems fine with this. I hope the grammar is better on her adverts because otherwise she’ll put off a lot of pedantic potential clients. For her second audition, she wears a bikini and white heels. Oh and she’s attached her nametag to her thigh. She is awful but I desperately want her to stay around so I can make more whore jokes.
9. CHER – ‘I'm some wigga who just tries to be black’
When Cher is made to be Beyonce, she suddenly becomes Shirley Bassey. And it’s not too awful. When she is allowed to be herself, things go very wrong indeed.
We’re shown her original audition and I don’t know if they’ve cut to an unflattering bit but it seems really awful. The scary faces. The stomping. The offkey singing. I think Cheryl only likes her because she’s scal.
She tells us she’s taking a risk by adding a rap to her audition. She has a black man encourage her, which makes it all fine I guess. She raps poorly without rhyming then does an N-Dubzian cheap rap cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. She yells Jerusalem in a way that Westwood would, but we knoew shouldn't. Then she sings crazy. And looks crazy. Her version includes lyrics like ‘Long live da king’ and ‘Ring-a-dinging.’ Surely guest judge and actual black person Nicole Scherzinger must find this really offensive. When she comes offstage, Dermot looks really embarrassed for her. Oh Cher, when Dermot finds a whore more palatable surely you can see you’re doing something very wrong. JERUSALURRRRM
1. It’s Boot Camp bitches
But without pregnant Dannii or malaria-ridden Cheryl. Too bad, so sad. I didn’t miss them this week. The show without them was awesome – easily the best of the season. And also, with them gone, Simon got to call them ‘lapdogs.’ Don’t believe me? Start watching 19 minutes in. This episode ruled on high. Elbow were not used as backing music – instead we got Muse, Joshua Radin and The Veronicas. And even the montages were well-executed and informative!
2. This episode had the following brilliant idea.
Everyone in each category did the same song. I know what you’re thinking – that happens anyway. Every year, someone does that song about how they’ve acted out their lives in or on stages. Every year, someone butchers Winehouse. Same shit every time blah blah blah. However, this time it was on purpose! The girls do Beyonce, the boys do Jacko, the groups do Starship (because nobody likes the groups) and the oldies went Gaga. It was an excellent way of seeing who could sing in tune (Harry) and who could scare the shit out of a vampire (Cher). It also allowed the editors to do some fun montages where we saw all the contestants sing no more than a line. They spent literally twelve seconds on the groups. I counted. Simon comapared the Oldies to Star Trek. Star Trek aliens or Star Trek fans? It’s not clear what he meant. Anyway the contestants are all different ages and weights and races and some are big band singers and some are opera singers so, yes, when you shove them all into a montage, they will look a bit weird.
3. Then the contestants had to dance and sing
First, they had to dance in a big group to Lady Gaga, which wasn’t judged but was still watched by judges who passed judgements. Hmm. Next was the singing and Thex would have you know that the show featured some brilliant auditions. And some not so brilliant. And some fascinating and divisive auditions. More on them in the subsequent rankings. But at least the show is getting interested. And they’ve mainly got rid of the sob stories in favour of following a whore around while she embarrasses herself.
On with the rankings…
1. MATT – ‘If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie’
I remembered painter/decorator being alright when he nervously auditioned with Winehouse a few weeks ago. I even ranked him second without being overly mean.
In his sort of sob story, he tells us he lives at home, which is ‘not ideal.’ I love how they’ve moved away from life-destroying traumas and disabilities to the ‘not ideal.’ Just as I worried he’d been eliminated with no fanfare, he appears and sings Roberta Flack. With lots of runs and falsetto and the most pleasant wailing. But it all makes sense and doesn’t feel showy and most importantly there is absolutely no shouting. I got misty but that may have been the wine. Matt for the win! For now.
2. KATIE – ‘Stop your bitching cos you’re so sad’
Katie receives second place for three main reasons. First, I still like her for calling Louis ‘Sir’ during Auditions. Second, she wins the “Harry from the other week” award for vocabulary by saying ‘daunting’ in a posh voice. Third, she says the following: “they’re all Beyonce-ing it out and I’m just a bit like [horrified face.]” She’s so above everyone and I loves it. In other news, she channels Amy Winehouse during the ‘same song for everyone’ round and is much better than her nearest rival Gamu, who in turn is much better without the autotune.
3. HARRY – ‘Disposable teens, disposable teens’
Harry appeared every ten minutes or so on this show to be adorable. His five seconds of Michael Jackson was probably the best we saw. He danced without embarrassing himself. His cover of Leona doing Oasis wasn’t so great but it was infinitely better than Liam’s. At least Harry kept his eyes open. And didn’t look terminally ill. Welsh Tom (who was made to sing twice then rejected then saved during some very staged business with Pixie Lott the other week) was praised for his dancing but little else. I think Harry has the cute teen place in the final twelve sewn up.
4. STORM – ‘Fuckin’ posers’
Aged rock star Storm won many many cool points when he told Simon he’d wow him with his Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. For those of you who struggle with acronyms, Storm just Simon he wants to show him his cunt. He then does Guns N Roses karaoke but it’s not bad at all. Even that gay duo are dancing along in the audience. Simon likes Storm's voice but says he wants to put it in someone else. I think every man who's met Storm would rather put "it" in someone else.
5. MARLON – ‘Everybody, they love a winner’
Marlon featured heavily in tonight’s show without really doing anything dramatic like forgetting his words or being a 100% English Yorkshire Slut. He must be in the top twelve to get that sort of edit. This makes him one to watch I guess. He has Shayne Ward’s exact speaking voice and a singing voice that is sadly no more interesting.
6. THE BAD DANCERS – ‘Just dance, gonna be ok.’
Teenager Zain has a big old strop because he doesn’t like dancing. Possibly because dancing is well gay. Anyway Simon somehow notices that someone from a group of a hundred and missing and knows the missing boy’s name through quick deduction. We are to believe this is not at all staged and I’m almost convinced as Simon is a much better actor than Pixie Lott. The other dancing drama comes from checkout lady Mary who has arthritis and “trobbing” knees. She makes up for her terrible dancing by shaking her tits onstage, earning guffaws from the judges and a place in Thex Factor’s heart forever. This whole dancing business was the doing of sacked judge / ‘Artistic director’ Brian Friedman. He makes demotion seem so glam! He wears a green hoody paint suit thing with his chest showing. He tells us he’s wearing something skimpy to make a statement. And that statement is ‘daddy issues’
7. TOBIAS – ‘It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad sad situation’
Clothing store manager, and the man responsible for that overstretched audition = job interview joke, Tobias forgot the words to Man in the Mirror. Even when everyone singing around him is doing the exact same song. What a div. On this show, that’s like forgetting your ABCs. He weeps to Dermot. Then later to us. But not when he’s been eliminated. Funny that. I guess when crying no longer helps your cause there’s no reason to do it.
8. CHLOE – ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies’
Vice girl Chloe went out partying the night before Bootcamp. She tells us: ‘I feel sick and I can taste vodka.’ The poor dear. Tis pity she’s a whore. Anyway, her shouty Beyonce cover is much better than any of her three audition songs. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough to keep her in if she didn’t have such a wonderful homelife. Or if she didn’t make the other contestants look so much better by comparison. She makes the various trampy girl groups (of which Husstle have the shittest name) seem as virginal as Louis.
Anyway, she’s lightly scolded by the vocal coach and by Dermot for not working hard. She seems convinced she is though, which is odd as you’d think an alleged whore would understand the value of money. She tells Dermot ‘She can do what she wanna be’ and he seems fine with this. I hope the grammar is better on her adverts because otherwise she’ll put off a lot of pedantic potential clients. For her second audition, she wears a bikini and white heels. Oh and she’s attached her nametag to her thigh. She is awful but I desperately want her to stay around so I can make more whore jokes.
9. CHER – ‘I'm some wigga who just tries to be black’
When Cher is made to be Beyonce, she suddenly becomes Shirley Bassey. And it’s not too awful. When she is allowed to be herself, things go very wrong indeed.
We’re shown her original audition and I don’t know if they’ve cut to an unflattering bit but it seems really awful. The scary faces. The stomping. The offkey singing. I think Cheryl only likes her because she’s scal.
She tells us she’s taking a risk by adding a rap to her audition. She has a black man encourage her, which makes it all fine I guess. She raps poorly without rhyming then does an N-Dubzian cheap rap cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. She yells Jerusalem in a way that Westwood would, but we knoew shouldn't. Then she sings crazy. And looks crazy. Her version includes lyrics like ‘Long live da king’ and ‘Ring-a-dinging.’ Surely guest judge and actual black person Nicole Scherzinger must find this really offensive. When she comes offstage, Dermot looks really embarrassed for her. Oh Cher, when Dermot finds a whore more palatable surely you can see you’re doing something very wrong. JERUSALURRRRM
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Thex Factor – The Final Auditions – ‘And so I face the final curtain’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. They crammed two judges into the body of one
Whilst Dannii is off experiencing the joys of motherhood and Cheryl is off experiencing the joys of malaria, Nicole Scherzinger is the guest judge for two nights of diverting TV. She is approximately a millionth as cunty as Katy Perry and infinitely more vocal than Natalie Imbruglia. She is by far the best guest judge, not least because she’s trying to steal Cheryl’s job. I bet she gave the gutterthug malaria somehow.
2. It’s the end of auditions Oh and it’s been a right laugh really hasn’t it? It were dead funny when the freaks couldn’t sing.Etc. Etc. In all seriousness, it’s been better than last year when the offensiveness of the live audience was too fresh and too much. Some dreams have been crushed, some eyes have become mad and staring, some have been turned into Robo-Cher and a fat girl has struck another. I will be saying to “Who are you, may I ask?” for many years to come. Shame there have been no auditions worth listening to on repeat.
So many rankings to get through...
1. HARRY – ‘I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking’
I hearted Harry from beginning to end. His jumper was very nice. He is well-spoken and uses the word picturesque to describe his Cheshire hometown. He does so sarcastically but not snottily which is really hard to manage, especially when you’re a teenager. He looks exactly like one of the Kooks and wears an indie scarf, which is arsily tied twice. The editors are clearly unable to cope with this cornerless Indieness and use ‘House of Fun’ as the backing track because that’s as Indie as they get. Harry turns out to be barely indie at all and sings Stevie Wonder in a kids Stars in their Eyes voice. His diction is very weird, as he sings Eeesnt She Lovelee, but there is at least some potential here and charm. Harry tops this ranking with ease but I hope Boot Camp offers some more contenders.
2. MARLON – ‘If I were your woman, here’s what I’d do’
Marlon’s first memory of music is being given a Tina Turner video and wanting to be Tina Turner. This is not something to admit. Especially if leg shaving was involved in the preparations. Anyway Marlon now has kids so it was obviously a horrible phase and he’s turned out socially acceptable. Bravo, Marlon. I want you to teach me how you did it. He sings Ain’t No Sunshine with an arrangement that is very similar but far less good than this. The judges then tell him it was very original even though one of them has already seen the better, very similar version twice on American Idol. Marlon is flat in places and scary in places and pleasant in places. He seems to be every X Factor audition merged into one. Except he didn’t elbow his fat friend in the face. Shame.
3. AIDAN – ‘My baby’s got a secret’
Aidan receives lots of whoos from the girls in the audience who, based on Aidan’s enormous gayface, are quite clearly wasting their time. He tells us he’s practised by doing ‘a few weddings.’ I bet he sang while the volley vonts were handed out. He pulls the stupidest faces while singing Gold Digger with his eyes closed. He turns into a dirge but I suppose this is ‘making it his own.’ Louis tells him he has his ‘own kind of swagger.’ I guess a swagger based on looking terrified and not looking anyone in the eyes and ruining a fine song. I’d love to turn my swag on like that too
4. REBECCA – ‘I was born by a river, in a little tent’Even though Rebecca is all woe is me and I’ve got two kids but zero confidence, she could at least take solace in the fact that she wasn’t born by the river, in a little tent. And that when she goes to the movies, goes downtown, people aren’t saying don’t hang around. (Or maybe not, that’s a pretty good sob story for X Factor.) Anyway, Rebecca is very down on herself and sings Sam Cooke with her eyes closed and in a tiny, ‘current in 2007 when Amy Winehouse was big’ voice. She sounds a bit like past contestant Laura White after she’s been starved for several months. Or a midget Duffy.
Anyway the judges go easy on her and tell her to be less nervous. Simon says her vocals are right on the money, which I think is just not true any more. If Norah Jones, Dido can’t sell anymore, or the Winehouse successors like Paloma Faith and Adele never really did, what chance does this wimp have?
5. YULI – ‘In the port of Amsterdam, there’s a sailor who sings’ The judges insist on calling jolly fat Dutchwoman Yuli Julie and she doesn’t seem to mind. The overweight can be very good-natured like that. And greedy. Anyway there’s a bit of talk of how Yuli’s not English but the judges steer clear of any ‘fuck off home’ talk. She sings A Fool in Love (last covered by the world’s ugliest heartthrob Olly Murs) and it’s fine and the wailing is pleasant at time but it’s nothing to write home about. Or, write more about.
6. TOBIAS – ‘I've been looking for a new direction’
Tobias is a clothing store manager, who’s 20 and has had about 20 jobs. Yet he’s become a manager very quickly. Something is afoot here, sob story detectives! Anyway his VT is basically a conceit whereby he compares X Factor to a job interview with a good prize. Onstage, the judges continue this complex comparison in case it was lost on anyone. In fairness to them, I imagine it would have been lost on Cheryl. The only jobs she knows are ‘singer’ (me) and ‘bathroom attendant’ (my victims).
Even though I was almost called Tobias, I can’t get on board with this weedy thing. He sings Your Song with a Hull accent, which I’m sure you’ll agree is not a charming combination. He also sings in a shouty voice, which I’m sure you’ll recognise is not very unusual for this show. He’s very flat when he’s not doing runs, which I’m sure –Oh forget it. He’s sort of crap and as such has the potential to finish as highly as second on this show.
7. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move out of my way’
Louis Walsh just lights up when these orange fairies prance onto the stage. Literally – he had been shot in black & white by the editors in a way that was quite amusing. They are called Craig and Joseph but the latter is so gay that the name comes out like Josie. (Can you do a ‘too gay to enunciate’ voice? It’s very fun. Try saying train, lawn and Maths!) They mince around for a while singing Proud Mary in reasonably good voice. One of their friends is so gay that he ends up looking like a lesbian. (Can you make a ‘so gay you’re a lesbian’ face? It’s very fun. Try choosing a packet of cous cous or playing tennis while you do!) Louis of course puts them through by saying ‘Of course, I’m saying yes.’ Simon tells them they have to make themselves stand out. I think this means they’ll be in drag at boot camp, doing Lady Gaga. Jesus wept in advance.
8. RICHARD – ‘Serious Richard, why do you frown like you do?’
This audition was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on the show. It was relentless – the Vera Drake of reality TV auditions. Richard is a pub singer and in his VT he seems alright. I wrote this in my notes – ‘seems alright.’ He may have some crippling personality problems that I could rant about in future weeks but we’ll never know and will just have to assume he is as alright as he seemed.Simon briefly pretends to sympathise with pub singers and how hard it is to make a living now that the credit crunch has weeded out clubs that people didn’t want to go to. He then tells Richard to pick the best song and pander to the idiots in the audience. Richard decides to pander the audience, ‘have fun’ and sing Higher and Higher. Ewww. Though the singing is okay, or exemplary compared to celebrity munter Olly Murs, there is a huge amount of mugging and extended shots of Simon looking absolutely furious at being ignored. Al Green’s How Can You Mend A Broken Heart comes on and it takes minutes (that feel like hours) for all the judges to say he was rubbish and then say no and for Richard to walk offstage. He weeps for most of this and it is no fun for anyone.
9. CHLOE – ‘Hold up – what would you do?’
Oh Chloe, how I have longed for you to make an appearance. Sadly there is no mention of her being an ALL CAPITALS TABLOID STYLE VICE GIRL. (I would have loved it if she’d made that her sob story, like Andy Abraham did about being a bin. Perhaps her teary-eyed mentors could’ve said a few live shows in ‘you might suck cock for a living but that performance didn’t.’ Instead she tells us she’s never really fitted in. And yet it is so easy to fit in her. In both bottoms. She looks exactly like Ke$ha which surely goes to prove how trampy that toilet-dancing, Whiskey-teethbrushing Ke$ha is. Chloe does a terrifying shouty cover of Summertime that makes Ruth Lorenzo seem the model of subtlety and restraint. She shouts so much a garish fake eyelash starts slipping down her face. Also, the slut isn’t in tune and keeps repeating odd phrases over and over. She then tries Underneath Your Clothes, as sung by Shakira’s pet goat Cueve. Her eyelashes fall off and the audience boo her even though most of them have had more in them than Chloe. She vainly tries a third song, that I’ve never heard of, and it is no better. The "100% English Yorkshire Slut" cries and pleads and promises that she’s a good singer. The whole thing is the most glorious trainwreck. I think they let her through there’s a good chance she’ll hit someone.
10. HAZEL – ‘You used to get it in your fishnets’
Slutty pensioner Hazel is heaps of fun and could be described by this simple Maths equation: Nessa from Gavin & Stacey + Sharon Osbourne + ineffective counselling = Hazel. Her VT backing music is ‘Dya Think I’m Sexy?’ which I think is the editors making fun of her. But truth be told, she’d be much better in bed than most of the contestants. She flirts with Louis – we assume for the LOLs – and then namechecks him in her version of The Best. She dances like Chas and/or Dave. I will give cool points out to anyone who can tell me which is which. Did she go through? I didn’t write it down. Let’s assume No but wish her well with all her endeavours.
11. DAMIEN DEVINE – ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues’
Damien quite rightly feels that he has a very cool name. The alliteration is cool. The contrast between being the Devil’s child and being Godly is cool. Sadly, this is where the furthest extent of his cool lies. He sings poorly and does very bendy dancing. The judges lapped this shit up from face-like-a-punch Olly Murs but don’t like it this time. Maybe they’re jealous of his name. I know I am.
Next week, the judges are going to ‘turn up the pressure dial’ by making the contestants sing in front of a much smaller audience. I don’t think the makers of the show know how a pressure dial works. Bless them.
Kisses,
Thex Devine-Factor
1. They crammed two judges into the body of one
Whilst Dannii is off experiencing the joys of motherhood and Cheryl is off experiencing the joys of malaria, Nicole Scherzinger is the guest judge for two nights of diverting TV. She is approximately a millionth as cunty as Katy Perry and infinitely more vocal than Natalie Imbruglia. She is by far the best guest judge, not least because she’s trying to steal Cheryl’s job. I bet she gave the gutterthug malaria somehow.
2. It’s the end of auditions Oh and it’s been a right laugh really hasn’t it? It were dead funny when the freaks couldn’t sing.Etc. Etc. In all seriousness, it’s been better than last year when the offensiveness of the live audience was too fresh and too much. Some dreams have been crushed, some eyes have become mad and staring, some have been turned into Robo-Cher and a fat girl has struck another. I will be saying to “Who are you, may I ask?” for many years to come. Shame there have been no auditions worth listening to on repeat.
So many rankings to get through...
1. HARRY – ‘I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking’
I hearted Harry from beginning to end. His jumper was very nice. He is well-spoken and uses the word picturesque to describe his Cheshire hometown. He does so sarcastically but not snottily which is really hard to manage, especially when you’re a teenager. He looks exactly like one of the Kooks and wears an indie scarf, which is arsily tied twice. The editors are clearly unable to cope with this cornerless Indieness and use ‘House of Fun’ as the backing track because that’s as Indie as they get. Harry turns out to be barely indie at all and sings Stevie Wonder in a kids Stars in their Eyes voice. His diction is very weird, as he sings Eeesnt She Lovelee, but there is at least some potential here and charm. Harry tops this ranking with ease but I hope Boot Camp offers some more contenders.
2. MARLON – ‘If I were your woman, here’s what I’d do’
Marlon’s first memory of music is being given a Tina Turner video and wanting to be Tina Turner. This is not something to admit. Especially if leg shaving was involved in the preparations. Anyway Marlon now has kids so it was obviously a horrible phase and he’s turned out socially acceptable. Bravo, Marlon. I want you to teach me how you did it. He sings Ain’t No Sunshine with an arrangement that is very similar but far less good than this. The judges then tell him it was very original even though one of them has already seen the better, very similar version twice on American Idol. Marlon is flat in places and scary in places and pleasant in places. He seems to be every X Factor audition merged into one. Except he didn’t elbow his fat friend in the face. Shame.
3. AIDAN – ‘My baby’s got a secret’
Aidan receives lots of whoos from the girls in the audience who, based on Aidan’s enormous gayface, are quite clearly wasting their time. He tells us he’s practised by doing ‘a few weddings.’ I bet he sang while the volley vonts were handed out. He pulls the stupidest faces while singing Gold Digger with his eyes closed. He turns into a dirge but I suppose this is ‘making it his own.’ Louis tells him he has his ‘own kind of swagger.’ I guess a swagger based on looking terrified and not looking anyone in the eyes and ruining a fine song. I’d love to turn my swag on like that too
4. REBECCA – ‘I was born by a river, in a little tent’Even though Rebecca is all woe is me and I’ve got two kids but zero confidence, she could at least take solace in the fact that she wasn’t born by the river, in a little tent. And that when she goes to the movies, goes downtown, people aren’t saying don’t hang around. (Or maybe not, that’s a pretty good sob story for X Factor.) Anyway, Rebecca is very down on herself and sings Sam Cooke with her eyes closed and in a tiny, ‘current in 2007 when Amy Winehouse was big’ voice. She sounds a bit like past contestant Laura White after she’s been starved for several months. Or a midget Duffy.
Anyway the judges go easy on her and tell her to be less nervous. Simon says her vocals are right on the money, which I think is just not true any more. If Norah Jones, Dido can’t sell anymore, or the Winehouse successors like Paloma Faith and Adele never really did, what chance does this wimp have?
5. YULI – ‘In the port of Amsterdam, there’s a sailor who sings’ The judges insist on calling jolly fat Dutchwoman Yuli Julie and she doesn’t seem to mind. The overweight can be very good-natured like that. And greedy. Anyway there’s a bit of talk of how Yuli’s not English but the judges steer clear of any ‘fuck off home’ talk. She sings A Fool in Love (last covered by the world’s ugliest heartthrob Olly Murs) and it’s fine and the wailing is pleasant at time but it’s nothing to write home about. Or, write more about.
6. TOBIAS – ‘I've been looking for a new direction’
Tobias is a clothing store manager, who’s 20 and has had about 20 jobs. Yet he’s become a manager very quickly. Something is afoot here, sob story detectives! Anyway his VT is basically a conceit whereby he compares X Factor to a job interview with a good prize. Onstage, the judges continue this complex comparison in case it was lost on anyone. In fairness to them, I imagine it would have been lost on Cheryl. The only jobs she knows are ‘singer’ (me) and ‘bathroom attendant’ (my victims).
Even though I was almost called Tobias, I can’t get on board with this weedy thing. He sings Your Song with a Hull accent, which I’m sure you’ll agree is not a charming combination. He also sings in a shouty voice, which I’m sure you’ll recognise is not very unusual for this show. He’s very flat when he’s not doing runs, which I’m sure –Oh forget it. He’s sort of crap and as such has the potential to finish as highly as second on this show.
7. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move out of my way’
Louis Walsh just lights up when these orange fairies prance onto the stage. Literally – he had been shot in black & white by the editors in a way that was quite amusing. They are called Craig and Joseph but the latter is so gay that the name comes out like Josie. (Can you do a ‘too gay to enunciate’ voice? It’s very fun. Try saying train, lawn and Maths!) They mince around for a while singing Proud Mary in reasonably good voice. One of their friends is so gay that he ends up looking like a lesbian. (Can you make a ‘so gay you’re a lesbian’ face? It’s very fun. Try choosing a packet of cous cous or playing tennis while you do!) Louis of course puts them through by saying ‘Of course, I’m saying yes.’ Simon tells them they have to make themselves stand out. I think this means they’ll be in drag at boot camp, doing Lady Gaga. Jesus wept in advance.
8. RICHARD – ‘Serious Richard, why do you frown like you do?’
This audition was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on the show. It was relentless – the Vera Drake of reality TV auditions. Richard is a pub singer and in his VT he seems alright. I wrote this in my notes – ‘seems alright.’ He may have some crippling personality problems that I could rant about in future weeks but we’ll never know and will just have to assume he is as alright as he seemed.Simon briefly pretends to sympathise with pub singers and how hard it is to make a living now that the credit crunch has weeded out clubs that people didn’t want to go to. He then tells Richard to pick the best song and pander to the idiots in the audience. Richard decides to pander the audience, ‘have fun’ and sing Higher and Higher. Ewww. Though the singing is okay, or exemplary compared to celebrity munter Olly Murs, there is a huge amount of mugging and extended shots of Simon looking absolutely furious at being ignored. Al Green’s How Can You Mend A Broken Heart comes on and it takes minutes (that feel like hours) for all the judges to say he was rubbish and then say no and for Richard to walk offstage. He weeps for most of this and it is no fun for anyone.
9. CHLOE – ‘Hold up – what would you do?’
Oh Chloe, how I have longed for you to make an appearance. Sadly there is no mention of her being an ALL CAPITALS TABLOID STYLE VICE GIRL. (I would have loved it if she’d made that her sob story, like Andy Abraham did about being a bin. Perhaps her teary-eyed mentors could’ve said a few live shows in ‘you might suck cock for a living but that performance didn’t.’ Instead she tells us she’s never really fitted in. And yet it is so easy to fit in her. In both bottoms. She looks exactly like Ke$ha which surely goes to prove how trampy that toilet-dancing, Whiskey-teethbrushing Ke$ha is. Chloe does a terrifying shouty cover of Summertime that makes Ruth Lorenzo seem the model of subtlety and restraint. She shouts so much a garish fake eyelash starts slipping down her face. Also, the slut isn’t in tune and keeps repeating odd phrases over and over. She then tries Underneath Your Clothes, as sung by Shakira’s pet goat Cueve. Her eyelashes fall off and the audience boo her even though most of them have had more in them than Chloe. She vainly tries a third song, that I’ve never heard of, and it is no better. The "100% English Yorkshire Slut" cries and pleads and promises that she’s a good singer. The whole thing is the most glorious trainwreck. I think they let her through there’s a good chance she’ll hit someone.
10. HAZEL – ‘You used to get it in your fishnets’
Slutty pensioner Hazel is heaps of fun and could be described by this simple Maths equation: Nessa from Gavin & Stacey + Sharon Osbourne + ineffective counselling = Hazel. Her VT backing music is ‘Dya Think I’m Sexy?’ which I think is the editors making fun of her. But truth be told, she’d be much better in bed than most of the contestants. She flirts with Louis – we assume for the LOLs – and then namechecks him in her version of The Best. She dances like Chas and/or Dave. I will give cool points out to anyone who can tell me which is which. Did she go through? I didn’t write it down. Let’s assume No but wish her well with all her endeavours.
11. DAMIEN DEVINE – ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues’
Damien quite rightly feels that he has a very cool name. The alliteration is cool. The contrast between being the Devil’s child and being Godly is cool. Sadly, this is where the furthest extent of his cool lies. He sings poorly and does very bendy dancing. The judges lapped this shit up from face-like-a-punch Olly Murs but don’t like it this time. Maybe they’re jealous of his name. I know I am.
Next week, the judges are going to ‘turn up the pressure dial’ by making the contestants sing in front of a much smaller audience. I don’t think the makers of the show know how a pressure dial works. Bless them.
Kisses,
Thex Devine-Factor
Sunday 12 September 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 4 – ‘A Pessimist is Never Disappointed’
We gon dash da salient facts in the girl's face
1. The quality has improved
Ellis-Bextor was right. I expected lemons and instead got kind of flat lemonade. This week we got to see in full several good auditions. By people who don’t seem to be dicks. This could be a fluke. Or it could be that like last year the good auditionees will go the way of Miss Fitz, Daniel Pearce or Althea Gaye. Time will tell. And even if the show takes ten steps backwards, at least we’ve got the prossie’s audition to look forward to.
2. The X Factor is bigger than Jesus
Or this is what the opening intro would have us believe. There are clouds, choirs, sepia-toned pictures of the most successful contestants. There is also the fabulous news that Alexandra used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs. Mazel Tov. I so wish she’d sung at the ones I’ve been to. Or that she did Dana International songs when asked.
3. The editors bum montages.
So hard that at least one banjo string will snap. The montages are a way of showing us two lines of good singers, thus making it more infuriating that we see more footage of the gaptoothed audience. The montages are also a way for the editors to use played-out and/or inappropriate backing music. Case in point, Mika’s Happy Ending is used for a montage about people getting yeses and having a happy ending. Sample lyric: ‘No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending.’
4. The guest judge is Pixe Lott
Now I like Mama Do (Uh Oh Uh Oh) as much as the next homosexual but I’m just not sure Pixie has the credentials to be a judge. The overblown intro with the CAPITAL LETTERS saying HOW VERY SUCCESSFUL she is was meant to sway me. I was expecting lots of filler (REEDY VOICE - TEN THOUSAND ALBUM SALES – you get the idea) but then there was mention of awards and a double platinum album. I call bullshit about that last point. We must find a charts geek and confirm this.
And those rankings? What are they?
1. TOM – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
It’s hard to tell if this (legal) young Welshman is attractive or very fug. He has huge bags under his eyes that make him look a bit like a vulture. A happy vulture though, like the Scouse ones in The Jungle Book. He says there’s not much work where he’s from and he’s worried he’ll be poor forever. But based on what he’s wearing, there’s a branch of River Island in this hellhole so there’s some positives for him. Ooh, on stage Sixth Form rather than college. He’s so clearly middle class -
the scrapheap sob story is a lot of shit. He sings The Script in an American accent. I thought The Script were Irish and sounded vaguely so. He sings really very well, especially compared to the shit we’ve had all year. He also moves confidently around the stage, but not maniacally. The judges disagree and say he moved too much. Simon says the performance was dated and could have been five years ago. Except The Script are quite current I thought. He then decides to sing some musical theatre. Ha! Way to ignore Simon. The second performance is of a very naff, big ballad and as current as Ryan Quinn doing Shakespear’s Sister. It’s so schmaltzy that I thought Simon would fall for it but he says no to the best singer this series. I started writing ‘the others say yes and all is well’ but then Pixie says no while grinning ear to ear. What a bitch. Louis and the audience jeer. Then she changes her mind. She was faking she didn’t like him all along, wasn’t she? She is as as good as an actress as she is a singer.
2. PAIJE – ‘If at first you don’t succeed’
Paije is a stocky young man with a boxing manager’s hair. I thought Paige was a girl’s name. Apparently a J makes it butch. Who knew! He sings Fly Me to the Moon and it’s very pleasant and effortless and not too boring. There is even a scoobedydoo bit which stops it being too boring. Simon looks bored – possibly by the not too boring pleasantness of it all – and stops it. Louis loves it and praises the vocal. Cheryl doesn’t love it but can’t really explain why. Almost if she can’t remember her lines. She grins and says no. Almost as if she finds lying difficult but sort of fun. Simon says no convincingly. Louis and the audience try to convince the others to change their mind but Paije strolls offstage without begging. There’s a dignity to Paije that I look. Louis then walks offstage to wish him well and give him a chance to re-audition with something comtemporary. It is all very sweet and very staged.
Second time round, he’s doing James Brown. I like these young men who refuse to be an old man’s version of contemporary. I preferred his Sinatra but there is no denying that Paije is a good singer. Though being made to re-audition puts him in the same group as Steve Brookstein and Lloyd Daniels. Eww.
3. NIKOLO – ‘Tu vuò fà l'americano’
This Italian with an American accent brags about how good he is and how he doesn’t think much of Madonna, Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. He’s sort of right about one but still it seems very arrogant and a terrible way to ingratiate yourself to the voting public. He rolls his eyes and tilts his head and snorts whenever he’s asked a question. Louis asks why he’s here and his reply begins with ‘it’s kind of obvious,’ which is how the very supremely douchiest of replies begin. He sings A Song For You, which it is worth noting was Brookstein’s audition piece. He sings with a lisp like he’s on Eurotrash. He squats when he sings big notes like he’s about to do a big poo at the same time. It’s a bit overblown and the vibrato could knock out a loose filling. Cheryl thinks he’s charming and thinks he has an Italian accent. Cheryl is clearly a poor judge of character and accents. All the judges call him a big diva. I see their diva and raise them a dickhead.
4. BUN ‘ND CHEESE – ‘I followed the voice you think you gave to me’
This gobby girl band want to spread the word and be like the Sugababes. Those godly, godly Sugababes. They call themselves Bun ‘nd cheese. Or, I think, Patty and Picky and Peas separately. They don’t enunciate well so this is merely a good guess. Simon deduces that these are not their real names, though he is equally staggered when one says her real name is Ebony.
They forget the words and don’t even bother to fill them in or ask to start again. The only words they seem to remember are Listen, which they whimper every ten seconds or so. Because they don’t even sing, or move, they can’t even offer any amusing bum notes. The judges think they’re rubbish and were probably doing this for a joke. Bun ‘nd Cheese don’t quite understand and then leave the stage without hitting each other. The scally girls last week set the bar so high for bad auditions. Why were we made to watch this?
5. KASH – ‘A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly’
Stayin’ Alive is his VT backing music. He rambled on like a nob about how he models and wears white gold. See, novelty backing music and rambling during a VT used to be the editors politely warning us they weren’t going through. That was until Stacey rambled on like a retard to a novelty song and then turned to be out to be good. For a while. Kash is a mobile salesman. And doesn’t he just look like one. I bet he tells colleagues how much commission’s he earned after work in the Slug & Lettuce. He says ‘yeah let’s make some music’ just before he sings Ne Yo. Ewww on all counts. The music he makes is not good and the judges turn him down. Back to the Slug & Lettuce he goes to talk targets. Hopefully they’ll give him a burger on the house for his troubles.
1. The quality has improved
Ellis-Bextor was right. I expected lemons and instead got kind of flat lemonade. This week we got to see in full several good auditions. By people who don’t seem to be dicks. This could be a fluke. Or it could be that like last year the good auditionees will go the way of Miss Fitz, Daniel Pearce or Althea Gaye. Time will tell. And even if the show takes ten steps backwards, at least we’ve got the prossie’s audition to look forward to.
2. The X Factor is bigger than Jesus
Or this is what the opening intro would have us believe. There are clouds, choirs, sepia-toned pictures of the most successful contestants. There is also the fabulous news that Alexandra used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs. Mazel Tov. I so wish she’d sung at the ones I’ve been to. Or that she did Dana International songs when asked.
3. The editors bum montages.
So hard that at least one banjo string will snap. The montages are a way of showing us two lines of good singers, thus making it more infuriating that we see more footage of the gaptoothed audience. The montages are also a way for the editors to use played-out and/or inappropriate backing music. Case in point, Mika’s Happy Ending is used for a montage about people getting yeses and having a happy ending. Sample lyric: ‘No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending.’
4. The guest judge is Pixe Lott
Now I like Mama Do (Uh Oh Uh Oh) as much as the next homosexual but I’m just not sure Pixie has the credentials to be a judge. The overblown intro with the CAPITAL LETTERS saying HOW VERY SUCCESSFUL she is was meant to sway me. I was expecting lots of filler (REEDY VOICE - TEN THOUSAND ALBUM SALES – you get the idea) but then there was mention of awards and a double platinum album. I call bullshit about that last point. We must find a charts geek and confirm this.
And those rankings? What are they?
1. TOM – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
It’s hard to tell if this (legal) young Welshman is attractive or very fug. He has huge bags under his eyes that make him look a bit like a vulture. A happy vulture though, like the Scouse ones in The Jungle Book. He says there’s not much work where he’s from and he’s worried he’ll be poor forever. But based on what he’s wearing, there’s a branch of River Island in this hellhole so there’s some positives for him. Ooh, on stage Sixth Form rather than college. He’s so clearly middle class -
the scrapheap sob story is a lot of shit. He sings The Script in an American accent. I thought The Script were Irish and sounded vaguely so. He sings really very well, especially compared to the shit we’ve had all year. He also moves confidently around the stage, but not maniacally. The judges disagree and say he moved too much. Simon says the performance was dated and could have been five years ago. Except The Script are quite current I thought. He then decides to sing some musical theatre. Ha! Way to ignore Simon. The second performance is of a very naff, big ballad and as current as Ryan Quinn doing Shakespear’s Sister. It’s so schmaltzy that I thought Simon would fall for it but he says no to the best singer this series. I started writing ‘the others say yes and all is well’ but then Pixie says no while grinning ear to ear. What a bitch. Louis and the audience jeer. Then she changes her mind. She was faking she didn’t like him all along, wasn’t she? She is as as good as an actress as she is a singer.
2. PAIJE – ‘If at first you don’t succeed’
Paije is a stocky young man with a boxing manager’s hair. I thought Paige was a girl’s name. Apparently a J makes it butch. Who knew! He sings Fly Me to the Moon and it’s very pleasant and effortless and not too boring. There is even a scoobedydoo bit which stops it being too boring. Simon looks bored – possibly by the not too boring pleasantness of it all – and stops it. Louis loves it and praises the vocal. Cheryl doesn’t love it but can’t really explain why. Almost if she can’t remember her lines. She grins and says no. Almost as if she finds lying difficult but sort of fun. Simon says no convincingly. Louis and the audience try to convince the others to change their mind but Paije strolls offstage without begging. There’s a dignity to Paije that I look. Louis then walks offstage to wish him well and give him a chance to re-audition with something comtemporary. It is all very sweet and very staged.
Second time round, he’s doing James Brown. I like these young men who refuse to be an old man’s version of contemporary. I preferred his Sinatra but there is no denying that Paije is a good singer. Though being made to re-audition puts him in the same group as Steve Brookstein and Lloyd Daniels. Eww.
3. NIKOLO – ‘Tu vuò fà l'americano’
This Italian with an American accent brags about how good he is and how he doesn’t think much of Madonna, Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. He’s sort of right about one but still it seems very arrogant and a terrible way to ingratiate yourself to the voting public. He rolls his eyes and tilts his head and snorts whenever he’s asked a question. Louis asks why he’s here and his reply begins with ‘it’s kind of obvious,’ which is how the very supremely douchiest of replies begin. He sings A Song For You, which it is worth noting was Brookstein’s audition piece. He sings with a lisp like he’s on Eurotrash. He squats when he sings big notes like he’s about to do a big poo at the same time. It’s a bit overblown and the vibrato could knock out a loose filling. Cheryl thinks he’s charming and thinks he has an Italian accent. Cheryl is clearly a poor judge of character and accents. All the judges call him a big diva. I see their diva and raise them a dickhead.
4. BUN ‘ND CHEESE – ‘I followed the voice you think you gave to me’
This gobby girl band want to spread the word and be like the Sugababes. Those godly, godly Sugababes. They call themselves Bun ‘nd cheese. Or, I think, Patty and Picky and Peas separately. They don’t enunciate well so this is merely a good guess. Simon deduces that these are not their real names, though he is equally staggered when one says her real name is Ebony.
They forget the words and don’t even bother to fill them in or ask to start again. The only words they seem to remember are Listen, which they whimper every ten seconds or so. Because they don’t even sing, or move, they can’t even offer any amusing bum notes. The judges think they’re rubbish and were probably doing this for a joke. Bun ‘nd Cheese don’t quite understand and then leave the stage without hitting each other. The scally girls last week set the bar so high for bad auditions. Why were we made to watch this?
5. KASH – ‘A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly’
Stayin’ Alive is his VT backing music. He rambled on like a nob about how he models and wears white gold. See, novelty backing music and rambling during a VT used to be the editors politely warning us they weren’t going through. That was until Stacey rambled on like a retard to a novelty song and then turned to be out to be good. For a while. Kash is a mobile salesman. And doesn’t he just look like one. I bet he tells colleagues how much commission’s he earned after work in the Slug & Lettuce. He says ‘yeah let’s make some music’ just before he sings Ne Yo. Ewww on all counts. The music he makes is not good and the judges turn him down. Back to the Slug & Lettuce he goes to talk targets. Hopefully they’ll give him a burger on the house for his troubles.
Sunday 5 September 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 3 – ‘Break your fucking face tonight’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. We have a guest judge
For part of the show anyway. And it’s Natalie Imbruglia. You know her, she sang Torn and other hits that weren’t as good as Torn. She’s so pretty that Simon pervs and tells her how pretty she is. She’s so pretty that, as Simon’s saying all this, we get to see an awesome shot of jealous Cheryl Cole drenching herself in make up. Ha! Natalie looks a lot like Dannii Minogue so it’s a comfort to see her. Oh and she’s here to report back to Dannii. She’s practically a mute but she’s a billionth as irritating as Katy ‘Funbags’ Perry.
2. There are auditions in London and Newcastle
Even though this information is repeated a lot, it’s hard to remember where this is all happening. Erm, besides Hell on Earth. I’d much rather go listen to ma Elbow alburm etc etc etc.
3. This show used to be good
Why would I bother writing this blog if it never was? The fact it legitimises my ‘career’ in ‘writing’ isn’t the only reason. No, the show was for many years a pleasure to watch and get all excited and huffy about. Leona and Alexandra and Brenda and Beautiful Spanish Ruth singing the shit out of things was good. ‘With or Without You’ was good. ‘Phantom of the Opera’ was good. Rooting for Same Difference and Eton Road even though it was never going to work out was good. Even Maria Lawson getting kicked off was good because it angered the blood. Oh but now. But now. It has now been three episodes and one whole series since there was someone who (a) made the finals (b) could sing and (c) I really liked. (Though a grudging honourable mention must go to Joe and Jedward, who at least fulfilled two of those criteria each last year.)
The rankings one more time…..
1. ABBEY & LISA – ‘Mama said knock you out’
Their VT is a frantic one. They may be best friends or they may be sisters. Even though one’s much taller, they’re both of similar weights. They talk very quickly and do not seem to think before doing so.
For example, onstage, one of them says Louis is fit but the other says he’s an old man. Oh, Simon helpfully asks if they’re friends or sisters and they answer they’re the first. They say like and randomly and I don’t know a lot so despite talking so quickly, it takes them a long time to say anything. One politely asks the audience to stop laughing at her idiocy. The audience boo and then the same girl hollers SHUT UP. Some of the audience look horrified while some continue booing. The hypocrisy of booing someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is clearly a very smart lady. The girls walk off then walk back on. They sing Shayne Ward who, thanks to his family, is a role model for thugs everywhere. Their timing’s really off and only one sings. It should be a bog-standard, last-place on the rankings bad audition if it were not for what follows.
The one who bothered to sing tells the judges she doesn’t care what they think, before the judging part has even taken place. The mute one then says she does care. The loud one says it was difficult being booed and then the mute one defends the booing audience and their right to free, unfettered expression. They both say ‘at the end of the day’ a lot. The loud one is rude to Imbruglia, asking ‘who are you?’ which infuriates the audience and then – quite excellently – makes the mute one elbow her in the face. Backstage, the mute one vents that it was bad form to insult the star guest judge. The hypocrisy of assaulting someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is no stranger to moral nuance.
2. CHER – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Cher is very nervous backstage and I think at points gets her Mum to answer Dermot’s inane questions. She’s prim and middle class and yet bizarrely is called Cher. She lacks confidence and yet bizarrely is called Cher.
Cher is very nervous onstage and I think at points gets an insipid mouse to answer questions. I refuse to believe a real person could sound that squeaky and wet. She then announces she’s doing a Soulja Boy song I’ve never heard of. Ha! She sings out of the corner of her mouth like a ventriloquist. She sings about the hood and stomps menancingly and the Mum sobs backstage as if it’s all very cute. The vibrato is crazy and at times she gets very jazzy and at times she raps. The audience whoop and get on their feet. Even Simon is full of praise and doesn’t mention the fact that no one has ever heard of this song before. It was a mess. A horrid, horrid mess. I don’t get it. I have lost touch with the common man.
3. LES JEDWARDS – ‘Jedward’s back with a brand new invention’
There are more twins than ever this year we’re told. And of course, we are treated to a montage to “prove” this “point.” The Evans Twins are very sexy and Louis Walsh fancies them. Bejon are not but Louis Walsh fancies them. Defying logic, the latter group go through. But a montage is not enough for the editors and we are forced to watch some twins audition in full.
These twins are Twem, which means Twin in Arabic. The audience laugh at their names and accent. The camera pans to a dark skinned lady laughing also which makes it ok. They wear River Island scarves and dance around to Lady Gaga. Their accents are garbled, even compared to Gaga. They are quite bad but Louis looks like he’s about to rub himself. Or rub them. Cheryl dances a little in her seat. As long as she doesn’t sing a little, that’s fine. The crowd cheer but don’t stand up. I don’t think they give Standing Os to “towelheads.” Shame on them.
4. STORM LEE – ‘Cos you’re the Storm that I believe in’
Storm goes on in his audition VT about very little. I didn’t take notes so it’s gone now and will never again appear in print. Storm is old and American. He greets the judges saying ‘I was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ I hate when Americans add the country on the end. It makes it worse when they ask ‘Are you from London, England?’ Just call Edinburgh Edinburgh and London London! If there’s any confusion, or you’re talking to someone really stupid, you can say Edinburgh’s in Scotland or London’s in England afterwards. But don’t assume I’m stupid or have only heard of places in America. Gosh I’ve written so much and he’s even sung yet. Oh but there’s more and none of it edifying. Storm admits he was not born Storm, but has been legally named Storm since his stormy teenage years. Simon says Storm has a stupid name. Storm says ‘yeah but Sting says this show’s shit’ and then sings The Police. Ok then. He doesn’t sing it well. He’s doing Every Breath You Take, a song which will always remind me of New York. I was in a queue in a café for a businesswoman’s special. You know, for businesswomen. This song came on, and then all these other businesswomen in the queue started mouthing along to it. Then I had a bottle of Snapple. I miss America.
Storm’s version makes me want to stay away from America. Simon says he has a stupid name and refuses to call him it. He then makes him sing again. It’s U2 and it’s no better. Cheryl says Simon’s being rude what with refusing to call Storm Storm. I agree with Cheryl. It’s like calling a post-op by their old gender. I bet Simon does that though. Anyway, Simon continues to call him Lee and he gets three yeses. None of them deserved.
5. LIAM – ‘You know the world can see us in a way that’s different from who we are’
Liam got through to judges’ homes a few years ago and was ditched by Simon. Simon wanted Scott Bruton and Eoghan the Eunch instead. Which is I think like choosing between being drowned or being smothered. Liam famously looked up to Troy Bolton. You’ve got to admire someone whose hero is a fictional character. Or pity them as they’re bound to be disappointed by what real life offers.
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the ridiculous Buble Bond theme version) and looks terrified with huge eyes. He then looks possessed with huge eyes. He shouts in an American accent and stalks the stage in a very theatrical way. Theatrical as in ‘for the theatre’ and theatrical as in ‘in the theatre.’ His mother appears to laugh at him backstage. Ha! Cool points for her! The whole thing is weird and of course earns a standing ovation from the twats in the audience. Oh and from Simon and Natalie. I take it back. Imbruglia’s an idiot. Liam looks terrified after and giggles to himself. Simon gives him ‘one.’ Oh, sorry my mistake. That sounds a bit gay. What I meant to write is Simon gives him ‘one massive fat almighty yes.’ That’s much better.
Kisses,
Thex
1. We have a guest judge
For part of the show anyway. And it’s Natalie Imbruglia. You know her, she sang Torn and other hits that weren’t as good as Torn. She’s so pretty that Simon pervs and tells her how pretty she is. She’s so pretty that, as Simon’s saying all this, we get to see an awesome shot of jealous Cheryl Cole drenching herself in make up. Ha! Natalie looks a lot like Dannii Minogue so it’s a comfort to see her. Oh and she’s here to report back to Dannii. She’s practically a mute but she’s a billionth as irritating as Katy ‘Funbags’ Perry.
2. There are auditions in London and Newcastle
Even though this information is repeated a lot, it’s hard to remember where this is all happening. Erm, besides Hell on Earth. I’d much rather go listen to ma Elbow alburm etc etc etc.
3. This show used to be good
Why would I bother writing this blog if it never was? The fact it legitimises my ‘career’ in ‘writing’ isn’t the only reason. No, the show was for many years a pleasure to watch and get all excited and huffy about. Leona and Alexandra and Brenda and Beautiful Spanish Ruth singing the shit out of things was good. ‘With or Without You’ was good. ‘Phantom of the Opera’ was good. Rooting for Same Difference and Eton Road even though it was never going to work out was good. Even Maria Lawson getting kicked off was good because it angered the blood. Oh but now. But now. It has now been three episodes and one whole series since there was someone who (a) made the finals (b) could sing and (c) I really liked. (Though a grudging honourable mention must go to Joe and Jedward, who at least fulfilled two of those criteria each last year.)
The rankings one more time…..
1. ABBEY & LISA – ‘Mama said knock you out’
Their VT is a frantic one. They may be best friends or they may be sisters. Even though one’s much taller, they’re both of similar weights. They talk very quickly and do not seem to think before doing so.
For example, onstage, one of them says Louis is fit but the other says he’s an old man. Oh, Simon helpfully asks if they’re friends or sisters and they answer they’re the first. They say like and randomly and I don’t know a lot so despite talking so quickly, it takes them a long time to say anything. One politely asks the audience to stop laughing at her idiocy. The audience boo and then the same girl hollers SHUT UP. Some of the audience look horrified while some continue booing. The hypocrisy of booing someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is clearly a very smart lady. The girls walk off then walk back on. They sing Shayne Ward who, thanks to his family, is a role model for thugs everywhere. Their timing’s really off and only one sings. It should be a bog-standard, last-place on the rankings bad audition if it were not for what follows.
The one who bothered to sing tells the judges she doesn’t care what they think, before the judging part has even taken place. The mute one then says she does care. The loud one says it was difficult being booed and then the mute one defends the booing audience and their right to free, unfettered expression. They both say ‘at the end of the day’ a lot. The loud one is rude to Imbruglia, asking ‘who are you?’ which infuriates the audience and then – quite excellently – makes the mute one elbow her in the face. Backstage, the mute one vents that it was bad form to insult the star guest judge. The hypocrisy of assaulting someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is no stranger to moral nuance.
2. CHER – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Cher is very nervous backstage and I think at points gets her Mum to answer Dermot’s inane questions. She’s prim and middle class and yet bizarrely is called Cher. She lacks confidence and yet bizarrely is called Cher.
Cher is very nervous onstage and I think at points gets an insipid mouse to answer questions. I refuse to believe a real person could sound that squeaky and wet. She then announces she’s doing a Soulja Boy song I’ve never heard of. Ha! She sings out of the corner of her mouth like a ventriloquist. She sings about the hood and stomps menancingly and the Mum sobs backstage as if it’s all very cute. The vibrato is crazy and at times she gets very jazzy and at times she raps. The audience whoop and get on their feet. Even Simon is full of praise and doesn’t mention the fact that no one has ever heard of this song before. It was a mess. A horrid, horrid mess. I don’t get it. I have lost touch with the common man.
3. LES JEDWARDS – ‘Jedward’s back with a brand new invention’
There are more twins than ever this year we’re told. And of course, we are treated to a montage to “prove” this “point.” The Evans Twins are very sexy and Louis Walsh fancies them. Bejon are not but Louis Walsh fancies them. Defying logic, the latter group go through. But a montage is not enough for the editors and we are forced to watch some twins audition in full.
These twins are Twem, which means Twin in Arabic. The audience laugh at their names and accent. The camera pans to a dark skinned lady laughing also which makes it ok. They wear River Island scarves and dance around to Lady Gaga. Their accents are garbled, even compared to Gaga. They are quite bad but Louis looks like he’s about to rub himself. Or rub them. Cheryl dances a little in her seat. As long as she doesn’t sing a little, that’s fine. The crowd cheer but don’t stand up. I don’t think they give Standing Os to “towelheads.” Shame on them.
4. STORM LEE – ‘Cos you’re the Storm that I believe in’
Storm goes on in his audition VT about very little. I didn’t take notes so it’s gone now and will never again appear in print. Storm is old and American. He greets the judges saying ‘I was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ I hate when Americans add the country on the end. It makes it worse when they ask ‘Are you from London, England?’ Just call Edinburgh Edinburgh and London London! If there’s any confusion, or you’re talking to someone really stupid, you can say Edinburgh’s in Scotland or London’s in England afterwards. But don’t assume I’m stupid or have only heard of places in America. Gosh I’ve written so much and he’s even sung yet. Oh but there’s more and none of it edifying. Storm admits he was not born Storm, but has been legally named Storm since his stormy teenage years. Simon says Storm has a stupid name. Storm says ‘yeah but Sting says this show’s shit’ and then sings The Police. Ok then. He doesn’t sing it well. He’s doing Every Breath You Take, a song which will always remind me of New York. I was in a queue in a café for a businesswoman’s special. You know, for businesswomen. This song came on, and then all these other businesswomen in the queue started mouthing along to it. Then I had a bottle of Snapple. I miss America.
Storm’s version makes me want to stay away from America. Simon says he has a stupid name and refuses to call him it. He then makes him sing again. It’s U2 and it’s no better. Cheryl says Simon’s being rude what with refusing to call Storm Storm. I agree with Cheryl. It’s like calling a post-op by their old gender. I bet Simon does that though. Anyway, Simon continues to call him Lee and he gets three yeses. None of them deserved.
5. LIAM – ‘You know the world can see us in a way that’s different from who we are’
Liam got through to judges’ homes a few years ago and was ditched by Simon. Simon wanted Scott Bruton and Eoghan the Eunch instead. Which is I think like choosing between being drowned or being smothered. Liam famously looked up to Troy Bolton. You’ve got to admire someone whose hero is a fictional character. Or pity them as they’re bound to be disappointed by what real life offers.
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the ridiculous Buble Bond theme version) and looks terrified with huge eyes. He then looks possessed with huge eyes. He shouts in an American accent and stalks the stage in a very theatrical way. Theatrical as in ‘for the theatre’ and theatrical as in ‘in the theatre.’ His mother appears to laugh at him backstage. Ha! Cool points for her! The whole thing is weird and of course earns a standing ovation from the twats in the audience. Oh and from Simon and Natalie. I take it back. Imbruglia’s an idiot. Liam looks terrified after and giggles to himself. Simon gives him ‘one.’ Oh, sorry my mistake. That sounds a bit gay. What I meant to write is Simon gives him ‘one massive fat almighty yes.’ That’s much better.
Kisses,
Thex
Wednesday 1 September 2010
Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Better late than never, but never late is better’
Some salient facts before we begin...
1. I miss Holly Willoughby
Like the deserts miss the rain. Or like I miss desserts in the rain. In case you’ve never bothered to complete your evening’s entertainment with a trip to ITV2, Holly used to present The Xtra Factor. She was genuinely amusing and sweet and yet racy. Like a primary teacher with a past. Oh how I loved her. Konnie Huq has replaced her and is genuinely dull and cold and yet needily wet. In fact, she has the same personality as the soulless presenters Charlie Brooker has made a career out of insulting before using the word ‘cunt’ ‘gouge’ or ‘anus’ in the next paragraph.
2. I miss Dannii too
Everyone’s favourite antipodean judge is off having a baby. So we must cope with guest judges. This week it’s Katy Perry. She has massive eyes and scary cleavage. Even when it’s covered, I know it’s there. Also she seems a right dick. On ITV2, she uses the word 'likableness.' She’s making me not like the only song of hers I like. Alas, Perry is not really as big as Geri Halliwell so her flashy montage doesn’t have much to boast about. 30 Million Singles Worldwide. Oh Wow. Considering she must earn a penny a download, she must be a very rich lady. (God, what are they going to do when it’s Pixie Lott? One Silver album?)
3. I hate montages
There are just so many of them at this stage. One features ‘I Like It’ by Enrique, the world’s most desperate song. I can’t even say the title ‘I Like It’ out loud because that would be a lie. There’s a good montage of groups though. There are boys doing the Saturdays. There are girls doing a mashup version of Walk Like An Egyptian. There are girls and boys doing a Gaga medley. When you have mashups and medleys in a montage, you hear so many songs in so little time. The X Factor becomes a Girl Talk album!
On wit da rankinz blood…..
1. ANNASTACIA – ‘Da da, da da, Dude looks like a lady’
This is going to be a hard one to spell. The best contestants have easy to spell names – Leona, Joe, Shayne, Rickkiy. Annastacia was bad a few years ago at judge’s homes. In her VT she tells her daughter, and by proxy tells us, ‘Never give up on your dreams.’ Oh I did, Annastacia and I’m fine. At least that’s what I say through gritted teeth when people ask.
As she gets ready to sing, Simon says ‘Image is absolutely dreadful. Dreadful.’ I don’t know if she could hear that because that would’ve been quite offputting. She sings Proud Mary. Simon says a tranny could do better. Ha! Simon is now my favourite judge. She is made to sing another song and remove her shoes. It is Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You Feel My Love’ which she says is by Adele. It is very lovely. Her family blub backstage. Then she loses me. Her voice is all over the place towards the end as if she’s doing impressions of four divas at once. Simon calls it cabaret. I agree. He says he wants to scrape her or scrape the cabaret off her or something of this nature. This comment gives him an Ed Gein vibe. Or makes me think Annastacia will be made to put the lotion in the basket around week 2 of the liveshows.
2. MATT – ‘But only if I were a painter’
Third Eye Blind is used on his montage. Oh ace. I want to hear some Barenaked Ladies next week. Or Matchbox 20. Or Marcy Plaground. There just isn’t enough 90s college rock on X Factor.
In his VT, painter/decorator Matt goes on about paint and magnolia and brushstrokes. This is a boring sob story. It is almost as shit as Ben Mills complaining about building marquees or when The Fat Girl Laura bitched because the judges didn’t like her. He sings Winehouse and he’s a bit whiney and awkward. Louis calls him on his awkwardness. I was convinced he was about to forget his words, what with all the pacing and sweating. He ranks second because the show has given up showing me good people.
3. THE REASON – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
‘I just wanna make love to you’ is played during the VT for these “hunks.” I love how X Factor takes its cultural references from old adverts. They’re not even attractive – well two of them definitely aren’t. And the ok looking one is unemployed which doesn’t bode well for a future together. Their VT is boring. “Jls are good and rich and groups never won blah blah”. They do a barbershop cover of Cheryl Cole and think they’re very clever. They are not. This is like track twelve on an old Backstreet Boys album. Or a stupid Live Lounge cover. Oh how I long for Miss Fitz.
4. MARY – ‘The green, green grass of home’
Old checkout lady Mary wants to be a legend like Shirley Bassey. Or Tom Jones. Ah, she wants to be Welsh. This won’t help her win the Irish vote. Though Jedward are huge there despite having weird American accents. She’s doing I (Who Have Nothing) by Tom Jones. Or Shirley Bassey. Oh Why doesn’t she just move to Wales then? She seems very Britain’s Got Talent. There’s a strange club singer accent. The shouting is barely acceptable, even taking into account that it’s a shouty song. The audience whoop and stand and go batshit crazy because they’re pigshit stupid. Dermot is misty. I am not. Katy says she is brave and different and admires the effort. She’s such a playground bitch. Just say you didn’t like it and then call her fugly, Perry. All the judges love it even though it’s awful and has been done so much better on one of these shows.
5. TEMPLE FIRE – ‘So hard for it, honey’
In case those lyrics were too obscure, let me say that Temple Fire work hard for the money. By which I mean, they rehease a lot. They rehearse for five hours a day. sometimes up to six hours. Oh I like the accuracy of this. None of this “I work 24/, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t even stop practising to poo, I’ll die if I can’t go through” hyperbole.
On stage, I like them less. They have tiny voices and are doing Wham. They seem ill-rehearsed which is ironic. I take it back, six hours isn’t enough. Simon says they’re not taking it seriously. Katy Perry shrieks “tell the truth, ginger.” Cheryl doesn’t want to be there. I think for a second this is the episode where she almost dies. But sadly we must wait.
6. MICHAEL – ‘Cos you are not alone, I am here with you’
Michael feels the spirit of Michael Jackson and has decided to dress like him. Michael is out of tune in a strangely tentative way. The judges criticise and the audience boo. He tells them they have no love in their hearts or lives. He says they’re very negative. While telling them off. In what must be a plus for him, he works in Boots. I bet he loves the discount on make up. And probably tampons. Just to see.
Kisses,
Thex
1. I miss Holly Willoughby
Like the deserts miss the rain. Or like I miss desserts in the rain. In case you’ve never bothered to complete your evening’s entertainment with a trip to ITV2, Holly used to present The Xtra Factor. She was genuinely amusing and sweet and yet racy. Like a primary teacher with a past. Oh how I loved her. Konnie Huq has replaced her and is genuinely dull and cold and yet needily wet. In fact, she has the same personality as the soulless presenters Charlie Brooker has made a career out of insulting before using the word ‘cunt’ ‘gouge’ or ‘anus’ in the next paragraph.
2. I miss Dannii too
Everyone’s favourite antipodean judge is off having a baby. So we must cope with guest judges. This week it’s Katy Perry. She has massive eyes and scary cleavage. Even when it’s covered, I know it’s there. Also she seems a right dick. On ITV2, she uses the word 'likableness.' She’s making me not like the only song of hers I like. Alas, Perry is not really as big as Geri Halliwell so her flashy montage doesn’t have much to boast about. 30 Million Singles Worldwide. Oh Wow. Considering she must earn a penny a download, she must be a very rich lady. (God, what are they going to do when it’s Pixie Lott? One Silver album?)
3. I hate montages
There are just so many of them at this stage. One features ‘I Like It’ by Enrique, the world’s most desperate song. I can’t even say the title ‘I Like It’ out loud because that would be a lie. There’s a good montage of groups though. There are boys doing the Saturdays. There are girls doing a mashup version of Walk Like An Egyptian. There are girls and boys doing a Gaga medley. When you have mashups and medleys in a montage, you hear so many songs in so little time. The X Factor becomes a Girl Talk album!
On wit da rankinz blood…..
1. ANNASTACIA – ‘Da da, da da, Dude looks like a lady’
This is going to be a hard one to spell. The best contestants have easy to spell names – Leona, Joe, Shayne, Rickkiy. Annastacia was bad a few years ago at judge’s homes. In her VT she tells her daughter, and by proxy tells us, ‘Never give up on your dreams.’ Oh I did, Annastacia and I’m fine. At least that’s what I say through gritted teeth when people ask.
As she gets ready to sing, Simon says ‘Image is absolutely dreadful. Dreadful.’ I don’t know if she could hear that because that would’ve been quite offputting. She sings Proud Mary. Simon says a tranny could do better. Ha! Simon is now my favourite judge. She is made to sing another song and remove her shoes. It is Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You Feel My Love’ which she says is by Adele. It is very lovely. Her family blub backstage. Then she loses me. Her voice is all over the place towards the end as if she’s doing impressions of four divas at once. Simon calls it cabaret. I agree. He says he wants to scrape her or scrape the cabaret off her or something of this nature. This comment gives him an Ed Gein vibe. Or makes me think Annastacia will be made to put the lotion in the basket around week 2 of the liveshows.
2. MATT – ‘But only if I were a painter’
Third Eye Blind is used on his montage. Oh ace. I want to hear some Barenaked Ladies next week. Or Matchbox 20. Or Marcy Plaground. There just isn’t enough 90s college rock on X Factor.
In his VT, painter/decorator Matt goes on about paint and magnolia and brushstrokes. This is a boring sob story. It is almost as shit as Ben Mills complaining about building marquees or when The Fat Girl Laura bitched because the judges didn’t like her. He sings Winehouse and he’s a bit whiney and awkward. Louis calls him on his awkwardness. I was convinced he was about to forget his words, what with all the pacing and sweating. He ranks second because the show has given up showing me good people.
3. THE REASON – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
‘I just wanna make love to you’ is played during the VT for these “hunks.” I love how X Factor takes its cultural references from old adverts. They’re not even attractive – well two of them definitely aren’t. And the ok looking one is unemployed which doesn’t bode well for a future together. Their VT is boring. “Jls are good and rich and groups never won blah blah”. They do a barbershop cover of Cheryl Cole and think they’re very clever. They are not. This is like track twelve on an old Backstreet Boys album. Or a stupid Live Lounge cover. Oh how I long for Miss Fitz.
4. MARY – ‘The green, green grass of home’
Old checkout lady Mary wants to be a legend like Shirley Bassey. Or Tom Jones. Ah, she wants to be Welsh. This won’t help her win the Irish vote. Though Jedward are huge there despite having weird American accents. She’s doing I (Who Have Nothing) by Tom Jones. Or Shirley Bassey. Oh Why doesn’t she just move to Wales then? She seems very Britain’s Got Talent. There’s a strange club singer accent. The shouting is barely acceptable, even taking into account that it’s a shouty song. The audience whoop and stand and go batshit crazy because they’re pigshit stupid. Dermot is misty. I am not. Katy says she is brave and different and admires the effort. She’s such a playground bitch. Just say you didn’t like it and then call her fugly, Perry. All the judges love it even though it’s awful and has been done so much better on one of these shows.
5. TEMPLE FIRE – ‘So hard for it, honey’
In case those lyrics were too obscure, let me say that Temple Fire work hard for the money. By which I mean, they rehease a lot. They rehearse for five hours a day. sometimes up to six hours. Oh I like the accuracy of this. None of this “I work 24/, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t even stop practising to poo, I’ll die if I can’t go through” hyperbole.
On stage, I like them less. They have tiny voices and are doing Wham. They seem ill-rehearsed which is ironic. I take it back, six hours isn’t enough. Simon says they’re not taking it seriously. Katy Perry shrieks “tell the truth, ginger.” Cheryl doesn’t want to be there. I think for a second this is the episode where she almost dies. But sadly we must wait.
6. MICHAEL – ‘Cos you are not alone, I am here with you’
Michael feels the spirit of Michael Jackson and has decided to dress like him. Michael is out of tune in a strangely tentative way. The judges criticise and the audience boo. He tells them they have no love in their hearts or lives. He says they’re very negative. While telling them off. In what must be a plus for him, he works in Boots. I bet he loves the discount on make up. And probably tampons. Just to see.
Kisses,
Thex
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