Thex Factor X - The End of Year Recap

These are the salient facts before we begin.

1. There were four judges
One is media mogul Simon Cowell, who comes with bad hair but lovely teeth. One is music manager Louis Walsh, who comes with a ratty smile but a sense of fun. One is celebrity sibling Dannii Minogue, who comes with a stiff face but clear opinions. One is celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, who comes with poor grammar but a warm personality.

2. There were 12 acts.
3 are young boys. 3 are young girls. 3 are groups. 3 are over 25 and hence very old. 1 was the winner. 1 drank in Shayne Ward’s pub. 1 has a dead wife. 1 was beautiful and Spanish.

3. There were guests and themes.
Sometimes the guests were the themes. There was a Mariah week and a Britney week, for example. Everyone had to sing Mariah and Britney songs on these weeks. Sometimes the guests had no link to the themes. Almost all the other guests are, or have been, on Simon Cowell’s books. Girls Aloud and Same Difference, for example.

4. Alexandra won.
She released Hallelujah as her reward and lots of people got very upset. A lot of these people hadn’t heard of Jeff Buckley until they started sixth form. I’m not upset by this cover. In fact, I want to go on to the X Factor and sing ‘Oh Whatever’ to the tune of Hallelujah. With a gospel choir, the gay one from Westlife and plastic reindeer on stage.

5. There were guest columnists.
Matt Jackson, Will Longhill, Dorian Campbell, Martin Higgins Sian Cummins and Chris Killen were lively and mean-spirited. Thanks to, and hurrah for, them all.

On with the end-of-series rankings…..


1. BEAUTIFUL, SPANISH RUTH – ‘I am beautiful in every single way’
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s VTs mainly focused on her being beautiful and Spanish. A few VTs were downbeat because Ruth had been in the bottom two the week before. We saw Mama Lorenzo and the Mediterranean sea. She was accused of being a bit shouty.
Ruth’s performances were almost always a bit shouty. I have no problem with this. I can’t raise my voice so I admire those who can. Ruth’s subdued performances (that Top Gun song, that Mariah song) weren’t very good anyway. The ones with the shouting were all hilarious, particularly when she reimagined Gershwin’s lullaby Summertime as a crazed mob cry. The living wasn’t so easy then. Ironically, Ruth’s very best performances came when she was in the bottom two. It goes without saying that there was some very pleasant shouting from Ruth on those occasions.
Ruth got her boobs out almost every week. She did full-body heaving as if she had a bad cough. She rubbed and flung about her big hair too. She was glorious and she was voted off just as she was getting better.
Best Thex Factor moment: After Simon commented on the mechanical bull that was on stage during her Britney performance, Ruth said ‘I thought you liked bulls, Simon.’ Simon said ‘I could say the same about you Ruth’ back. Never has nonsense seemed more meaningful.

2. ALEXANDER/ALEXANDRA – ‘I’m just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania’
I felt I should put Alexandra at number one based on her terrifying Hallelujah alone. But then I realised that she’d copied the full-body heaving and the shouting from Ruth anyway. And the master should always be higher than the pupil.
Her VTs showed Alex being nice, normal and articulate. Wanker. She performed well throughout the series so there was little drama. Apart from the week when she cried because Laura and Diana were popular. Ha! There was also some fuss when Alex would have to sing AND dance at the same time.
Alex had two styles of performance. There were the ballad performances, which ranged from very impressive to quite dull. She would sing with a husky tone, wail pleasantly and have flattering, curly hair extensions. There were also the up-tempo performances, which ranged from hilarious to quite dull. She would sing with a gentler tone, wail very pleasantly considering all the dancing she had to do and look like a big tran. A tran with a love for glitter and sequins!
Alexandra started off very pointless but her vocals improved and her performances became more interesting. She also seemed like a nice person. For all these reasons, she was the Anti-Diana.
Best Thex Factor moment: when Beyoncé said ‘Sing it, girl’ during their duet and then regretted it soon after. Bey looked increasingly uncomfortable as Alex kept weeping and stroking her.

3. PRINCESS DIANA – ‘Where did I go wrong?’
Diana’s VT showed off her speaking-voice. This was not good. She was also very ruddy in the face, which was offputting. Her early VTs were a summary of how awesome she was. And she was awesome. One VT had her being sick, unable to meet Mariah Carey and then unable to sing. After that, her VTs focused on her now being shit. And she was now shit.
Her early performances were brilliant. There was a slurred and garbled Hallelujah during Bootcamp. There was an audition laden with pleasant wailing. There was an acoustic U2 cover. There was Blondie. Like I said, brilliant. Her voice wasn’t great technically but she got away with it when it was matched with more unusual material.
Then, she came back from sick leave as the Queen of Radio 2. Dido, Coldplay, old man-era Take That. It was lifeless. She was given short shrift and came fourth.
Diana was a huge disappointment to me. I was backing her to win even though there were (or perhaps, mainly because there were) news stories about how big a dick she was. Still, she comes third on my rank because there were some wonderful moments. And because bad Diana is better than good JLS. Blood.
Best Thex Factor Moment: Disco week of course. We saw her pants. They were black.

4. AUSTIN – ‘I Don’t Wanna Cry No More’
Austin’s VTs were a pleasure to watch. He’d started the show off as a big, wet Jessie and it was very unseemly and unmanly. But his live show VTs had him a big, butch cheeky chappy. I like that accent you see. It does strange things to me. Strange, wonderful and terrible things.
Austin’s performances were strong, if unspectacular. He only got to do a few. He was excellent at Simon’s fake house. His Billie Jean was the best on Michael Jackson night, with its masculine pleasant wailing. That said, his vocals were timid as a rule and he looked like he could eat more and go to the gym less.
I thought it was a travesty that Austin was eliminated over that dreadful, angry woman. My Dad thought so too. I liked Austin and it was a shame we didn’t get to see more of him. Wink wink. Know what I mean?
Best Thex Factor moment: when his Dad dissed his performance on Big Band week. It revealed so much about his homelife. I can’t help but feel if his father were more supportive, Austin wouldn’t be such a desperate fool.

5. LAURA / THE FAT GIRL – ‘Get yourself to the Butterfly lounge, grab yourself a big lady’
Laura’s VTs were annoying because Laura was a shy, shy bitch. A rare highlight was when her parents made fun of her for being a shy, shy bitch. Another highlight was when Laura was angry because the judges didn’t say she was the best one week.
Her performances were patchy and it was entirely her fault. She had two ways of singing: one was to affect an Amy Winehouse voice, say shooby-de-doo and whine unpleasantly. The other way was to shout, which could be powerful, mannish or painful. Some weeks, such as Big Band week, these two methods were both utilised and the results were impressive. Some weeks, such as Mariah week, it was clear she had two basic moves which were crap on their own and awful when combined.
She looked like a pig and sang like a rat. I was glad she went. She was dreadful on Mariah night and her companion in the bottom two that week was beautiful, Spanish and sang better. I got very fed up about the SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff. It wasn’t shocking. She wasn’t very good.
Best Thex Factor Moment: when she got eliminated and looked very angry. Ha! She thought she was going to win because her boyfriend was an employee. I bet she’s still comfort eating now.

6. SCOTT – ‘I’m not here to say I’m sorry, I’m not here to lie to you.’
Scott’s VT had the added bonus of him being very good-looking. Few VTs had this added bonus so well done him. Sadly, there was no mention of Scott drinking in Shayne Ward’s pub. You had to read the local press for these pieces of celebrity gossip.
Scott’s performances weren’t that bad. He didn’t have the biggest voice but he was in tune. (There were 4 boys in JLS and they got drowned out by the backing track too so I will cut Scott a little slack.) His panned Yeh Yeh on week one I thought was quite groovy. Mainly because it had the word groovy in it.
Ultimately, Scott should have been six years older because he could have done well on Pop Idol. They didn’t have to sing so well on that show. (Seriously, watch Cheryl Cole or any of the ‘talented’ Pop Idol people on YouTube. They do not sound good.) I’m not sure Scott could have done much better if he’d stuck around but he was less annoying than the others. Hence, he lands in the top half of the rankings.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When he landed in the bottom two and shook his head a lot. One of Scott’s most entertaining traits was his angry stinkface. There was always that lingering possibility that he would attack one of the judges. Louis, if Scott invites you to Shayne Ward’s pub for a drink, just say no. It’s a ruse. He wants you to glass you!

7. EOGHAN / QUIGLET – ‘I’m gonna be a mighty king so enemies beware’
Eoghan’s VTs showed him being as equally ruddy as Diana. He had a ‘fresh from a wank’ face every week. He had an ‘I’m so helpless’ face every week too. I really disliked him. His VTs also showed his new baby sister, his impossibly cute siblings and his scaryass father. He’s very well-trained and said all the clichés in a soft, Granny-baiting voice.
To his credit, his performances weren’t that bad every week. That’s why I’ve had to put my hatred of him aside and objectively ranked him so high. His Imagine was restrained and expressive. His Mariah week performance was strong and impressive. The rest were poorly-sung or barely-sung but having 2 good ones in a series puts him above the likes of JLS and Rachel.
It’s a great relief to me that he didn’t win. It’s also a surprise as he spent most of the series as a lot more popular than the eventual winner. I got quite irate by how sexless and wet the producers tried to make him every week. I know it’s a family show but if Alex and Ruth were allowed to whore around, why did they have to make the teenage boy into a eunuch? I’m not sure he’ll have much of a career as the other cute, child-friendly acts from this show (Ray, Same Difference) haven’t performed so well.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When he changed the lyrics to Busted to make them less raunchy. Pansy.

8. JLS / JACK THE LAD SWING – ‘I show no love for homo thugs’
JLS’s VTs had them using all the latest street slang. And wearing colour co-ordinated oufits. One wore blue, another green, another yellow and another red, I think. This got old very quick.
JLS’s performances were generally poor. Three either couldn’t sing so well or weren’t allowed to. The little one had some tricks for the climaxes of the songs – his moody growling was one of the highlights of some shows – but generally, his voice too sounded weak and thin. Their lifeless cover of Hallelujah might have been their best. They were dated and lame and those stupid outfits annoyed me.
Their coming second was bizarre and unpleasant but at least they didn’t win. And they did show some improvement vocal-wise so I guess it’s good they stuck around and got that chance to shine, however weakly and wanly.
Best Thex Factor Moment: when one of their mums said ‘we’re so proud of you.’ And her son replied ‘me too.’

9. DANIEL/DEADWIFE – ‘This is for my peoples who have lost somebody’
DEADWIFE’S VTs made many references to him having a dead wife. There were also many references to how the male judges hated him. In fact, this sort of replaced the whole ‘dead wife’ saga as his new sob story. Because Louis calling you Ricky Gervais is clearly the bigger tragedy.
His performances were weak but not always the worst. His Mariah week soft rock attempt was pleasant. His Michael Jackson week soft balladry was well-sung. His uptempo numbers were dreadful mainly because his voice had little to recommend it. He couldn’t wail or growl or belt or do any tricks. Nor could he sing with subtlety or sincerity. I’m not sure what that leaves him with. He was a pub singer.
He went at about the right time, just long enough to annoy people and allow for some SHOCK ELIMINATIONS, but not long enough that it really took the piss. I think Dannii did well to get him that far. He seemed alright as a person.
Best Thex Factor Moment: the shameless song he did for his dead wife, which reduced Louis Walsh to tears. Fag.

10. GIRL BAND – ‘No, no, no, no, no’
On their VTs, they were all completely different weights and it made for confusing viewing. I thought girls were only meant to have one fat friend as security and the rest should all be about the same size. I’m sure that’s the rule.
Their performances were shit. They were odd-looking girls doing karaoke.
They are the higher-placed girl band because they were lame in a more hilarious way. Like when they did Heal The World because they loved its message. Or when they called themselves Girl Band because they were a girl band.
Best Thex Factor Moment: all the hand-holding during That’s What Friends Are For.

11. BAD LASHES – ‘Stupid girls, stupid girls, stupid girls’
Did Bad Lashes even get a VT? They were only on for one week and I remember nothing about it. I remember none of their names either. I just know they had badly bleached hair.
Their performances were not great. They did the love song from Pretty Woman and their voices were very thin. It wasn’t terrible though. They did a bizarre cover of Wonderwall when in the bottom two, which was meant to be Ryan Adams’s arrangement. Really? His version had no tuneless shrieking. How can this be the same arrangement?
They left first and I didn’t really care. I was too enamoured with Diana at that stage. It’s funny how things change.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When they said Wonderwall was by Ryan Adams during the Judges’ Homes bit. They lasted only one live show and managed to upset a Gallagher!

12. RACHEL – ‘I hate you so much right now, I hate you so much right now, agh’
Rachel’s VTs showed her being terrifying. Scott’s stinkface paled in comparison to this woman’s permascowl. One week, Louis said she had ‘no likability.’ Ha! We saw her with the kids that weren’t taken off her. We saw her having a series of tantrums about Dannii’s song choices. We saw her being arrogant and ungracious and unpleasant.
Her performances were dire. She was impressive on Big Band week in parts but even then her voice was ugly, angry and unlikable. She dressed bizarrely and generally looked like a dyke with a record. Her Rule The World was the worst of the series. Her Against All Odds was painful. Her attempts to dance or be charming were embarrassing. Her nasal, foghorn voice came back to me when I thought back. It’s made my nose run more and it’s made me want 4 o’clock to come sooner so I can have more paracetamol.
She lasted a few weeks longer than she should have. She never got a chance to redeem herself. It’s a shame she was saved in the place of Austin who had more potential. It’s a shame she was put through to the live rounds. It’s a shame I was so committed to this blog and hence couldn’t mute her.
Best Thex Factor Moment: ‘There’s no likability.’ To repeat: Ha!

In other news, my parents have coped with the end of the X Factor very well. My Mum is getting the Rhydian album for Christmas. My Dad still speaks of the JLS-loving Nun.
Merry Christmas to them and to you all. Thex Factor will live on.

Recaplet - The Show Must Go On

Yes, well, The X Factor is finished. And I still haven't done my end-of-series recap.

But I thought I'd get away with this little recaplet: 'Only a fool would question how beautiful and Spanish Beautiful, Spanish Ruth was.'

Be Inspired

I know the end of The X Factor has left us all a bit down in the dumps. It's made some people act out. I've not been myself.

I've written this inspirational piece. It is not about The X Factor. I hope it helps.

Thex Factor 9 – Love Is Not A Victory March

These are the salient facts before we begin.

1. It is the final
The judges are happier on final night and are full of praise for the contestants. They are also nicer to each other. It is heartwarming. There are also endless montages. It makes me think of that ‘montage, montage’ song from Team America. There are also fans in the contestants’ home towns which we’re linked to via satellite. So we’re shown a different bit of London. Twice. Why not just have those fans in the next room so Dermot can open the door on them every so often? It would have saved a lot of money.

2. There were celebrity guests.
Many, many celebrity guests. It was good. Westlife came out of their two-year retirement to crowd the stage with JLS. The gay one has put on a lot of weight and lost a fair bit of singing ability. More on that later. Boyzone’s cameo was much like Take That’s cameo from two years ago, only less good. I suppose that’s par for the course.

3. Beyonce was ace
She sang with Alex and, as reward, she got to sing during the results show too. She tried to be Tina Turner. Without the domestic abuse. The afro-wearing, lady rock guitarists tickled me and will continue to do so for many weeks. She did some sort of exciting rock remix of ‘If I Were A Boy’ and stomped around a lot, wailing very pleasantly. In fact, it was the very height of pleasant wailing. Alexandra – take note. Also, her eyebrows were expressive but controlled. Eoghan – take note. Also, she shags a gangsta rapper. JLS – take note.

4. The bad auditionees sing again
It was five years’ worth of the worst we’re told. I can’t even remember what song they did. They’re not well some of them. I didn’t enjoy this.

5. There was a group sing
I suppose we had to see the losers’ faces too. Dermot quite rudely talks over the beginning of it so we miss Austin’s lines. Ha! The fat girl looks dreadful and sounds not much better. Rachel sounds pretty good and then you can’t hear anyone else too clearly. It sounds a bit like a ‘round’ you’d sing in Primary School assembly or on the coach to Styal Mill. To repeat for emphasis, Rachel sounds pretty good.

6. People covered Hallelujah.
I got over it. I think we all should.


On with the rankings….

1. ALEXANDRA – ‘Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’
Alex performed last out of the three. She was the best each time. We see a VT of a VG audition. There is weeping and she says she ‘literally cannot believe it.’ We see her being interviewed by Jamie Theakston. He looks very old. It makes feel both young (by comparison) and old (because if he’s aged, I must have too). We see Alex’s trip to meet her fans back home. She appears to have fewer of them than the boys. I write down ‘stop saying literally.’
She sings Silent Night and is in a different league. She’s singing well and there are no plastic reindeers on the stage. It’s all very understated. Cheryl weeps during the song. I like carols and I like runs so I was very pleased when Silent Night became a carol with runs. Just like Mariah done! Hurrah! There is a high note that is just okay and very unnecessary. Leave that to Leona, Alex. You stick to the tranny wailing. You’re good at that.
Simon says it was outstandingly good and speaks of Alex being nice. Dannii speaks of shallow pleasures and calls her a ‘superstar songstress.’ Cheryl weeps.
Kym Marsh from Hear’Say is the one interviewing Alex’s fans. This is a bad choice. Unless it’s meant to be inspirational to show Alex that she’ll get a bit of work after her post-show pop career fails? Was that the intention? There is a little boy in a rugby uniform there. There is a girl who claims to be Alex’s best friend but who was transparently not given real tickets for the final. There are so many mysteries here.

Alex next has her celebrity duet with Beyonce. She sounds scarily good but is too drag for me to take. She has Cher hair. She has a slit, spangly dress. It’s all gone a bit too ‘The XY chromosome factor.’
Beyonce looks better and very feminine. Alexandra weeps and spasms when Beyonce sings. Then there is diva SHOUTING. It is only now that I forget about Alex being ace and miss Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Beyonce says ‘sing it girl’ and Alex does a big run. I love how Beyonce gives permission to sing. We’re getting a fascinating insight into how life in Destiny’s Child would have been.
There is post-performance hugging. Beyonce did not give permission for that. Beyonce looks uncomfortable but tries to be friendly. Alex looks like a scary fangirl and tries to be little else. Mariah really got off easy. When Dermot reads out the voting numbers, Beyonce points and mouths to someone ‘she is great.’ Or ‘she is dead.’ It’s unclear which.

Alex’s third performance was a repeat of You Are So Beautiful from a few weeks back. I refuse to believe this was her best performance. It was a little dull then. It is a little dull now. I suppose it’s a contrast from the shouting of Listen but still – meh. I think I preferred JLS’s ridiculous corpse ballad more. Again, there’s a silly high note. Leon pulled this shit last year too. And he was worse because he was a boy who wasn’t so much about the singing.
Simon says a star has been born. Just because she’s repeating a song doesn’t mean he gets to repeat his judging comments. That record’s been played, Cowell. Cheryl calls this the most special night of her life. Attention seeker. Alex mouths I love you to Cheryl. Oh get a room.

After the problem called Eoghan is solved, we get the covers of Hallelujah. Alex does Diana hand gestures. Ha! That is such a diss. This is the absolute pinnacle of non-aggressive meanness. I am blown away. Those Will Young masterclasses were a gift that kept giving.
As with JLS, there is a big old choir who hold out their hands in some vaguely religious way. I wish they had stigmata make up. Alex seems to have a seizure for her final verse and the pleasant wailing becomes terrifying. There’s also Beautiful Spanish Ruth-style body heaving. I make few notes and simply enjoy.
Now, there’s a lot of whingeing about the whole covering Hallelujah thing. Luckily, I’ve been invited to join no facebook groups on this issue. I sort of sympathise but I have several points to make:
1. The version ‘people’ like is a cover anyway
2. This version begins with the lo-fi Jeff Buckley bits and ends with ridiculous, religious Leonard Cohen bits. It’s a hybrid version of two arrangements and so it is worth considering as an experiment if little else
3. It’s an X Factor single that’s not about odds, goals, miracles or moments like theeze. This is surely a good thing.
4. I like the Cohen, Buckley and Burke versions. They are all different.
5. I don’t care enough about Jeff Buckley to get upset. I was a student for four years and I never felt the need to buy Grace to feel normal

Before the winner is announced, Alex gets two montages compared to the JLS boys’ one. Ha! One montage is of very good performances, slutty outfits, tranny outfits and scary fangirl business with Mariah. The other is of loving messages from her family.
She wins and I write ‘good.’ There is weeping and more seizures. She can’t breathe and a trantastic panic attack seems inevitable. She can say the names of the judges but little else. Cheryl lifts Alex’s arm and shouts ‘woo’ in lieu of real words.
Alex stops crying enough to sing. Almost. Her cheeks are coated jet with streaming eye make up. (Leona and Shayne managed to weep but still sing words and notes. Man up, Burke.) The first chorus is mainly weeping but after that it’s runs, runs, runs.
Simon and Cheryl slow-dance and beam with pride. Dannii and Louis refuse to touch. Cheryl and Dannii hug and we sadly only see it in silhouette. Simon thanks everyone who’s watched and written about the X Factor. No, Simon, thank you. You are my backbone.

2. JLS – ‘Silver bells, silver bells’
Louis says JLS create a buzz everywhere they go. I don’t doubt this, but only if ‘create a buzz’ means ‘spread a rash.’ The little one goes back to his school and says this trip is very different. Possibly because no one’s beating him up. His mum weeps and says she’s very proud. I think if I joined JLS my parents would be very disappointed. Parents differ.
They cover Wham. Blood. The backing track is so cheap. I think the music’s coming from a ‘My First Keyboard’ toy. There are lyric fumbles, a weak key change and bad runs. There are white suits.
Dannii says it’s her favourite Christmas song. Not Kylie’s Santa Baby? There’s no familial loyalty with some people. The judges have good wishes – possibly because it’s almost Christmas – but no effusive praise. Louis does the Obama quote again and has a teddy bear wearing a hooded top.
Jade Goody’s ex is with the JLS fans in some concert hall. There is a nun who shouts ‘we love JLS.’ She can’t clap straight. I’m reluctant to make fun of her further.

JLS sing Flying without Wings with Westlife. There are eight people on stage. It is very crowded. I don’t know if the floor can take that much 8-way boyband action. I know I can’t.
JLS sound not bad. I’m not ‘giving mad props’ but they do well. The little one from JLS sings his lyrics AT the potato-looking one from Westlife. They embrace and sing I love you to another. Sweet Lord. This is Louis Walsh’s doing. Then – Ha! The gay one from Westlife messes up the difficult note. They are outsung by JLS! Make that 2-year retirement permanent.
Dermot describes the performance as full of ‘manlove.’ This is what my RS teacher used to call sodomy to be politically correct, fact fans.

They re-sing their cover of Westlife’s cover of that song about being a corpse in love. It’s called I’m Already There. Did they only sing this last week? I think so. Anyway, it sounds better this time, possibly because I had faith they wouldn’t win to keep me calm. It also didn’t bother me too much that they did two Westlife covers in one night. One of the ones who doesn’t sing has a very lumpy face, like a boxer. I’d never noticed this before. The little one wails: quite girlishly, but not unpleasantly. This is progress.
Dannii is full of praise for the little one. The other judges are at least polite enough to acknowledge there were four people on stage. Cheryl compares them to Take That, which is a less offensive comparison than to the Beatles. Dannii hands Louis a tissue. Ha! They all think he’s a big fairy. A man from the audience shouts ‘we love you.’ The mind boggles.

JLS’s version of Hallelujah is not very good. I think all these ‘ohmygod you can’t cover geoff buckley’ idiots should be very grateful that it’s Alex’s version on the airwaves and not this. Their vocals are very thin for the lo-fi bits. The moody growling redeems the second half. The little one sounds pretty good. There are ‘no, no, no, no, no’ bits. There is a choir, a key change and sleigh bells. It is possibly their best performance. God, they’ve been shit then.

3. EOGHAN – ‘But someone always gets there first’
As you can see, my rankings for this week match up with the official, final positions. I suppose I should feel pretty happy with the result. But my love for Beautiful Spanish Ruth makes this difficult. I wonder if I wrote to her whether she’d be my friend.
Eoghan’s VT frames his very weak voice. ‘I can’t believe it,’ he says. ‘I’m in the final.’ It is pretty unbelievable that his ability got him this far. He was good twice. His trip home has him standing on top of a car, with a microphone. We also see his baby sister and his scary father.
He sings Wizzard and his eyebrows are fucked. His singing is fucked too. It is very karaoke, and not even good karaoke where the singer’s committing to the moment (of a being an idiot.) Also, there are plastic reindeer and yet another children’s choir. Who then WRESTLE HIM TO THE FLOOR! He falls so easily. It’s perhaps the biggest ‘wtf’ moment of the series. Well, that or ‘I thought you liked bulls Simon.’
The judges are positive but not effusive. For example, Dannii says how much she likes his squealing fans. That’s loose praise. Cheryl says ‘every 16 year-old would want to be what you’re doing.’ That’s loose grammar. She also says he’s a great role model. Because he doesn’t attack bathroom attendants. There’d never be any doubt that Eoghan was going to pay for those lollipops.
Eoghan says he ‘loves everybody’ in Ireland. Tramp.

Eoghan then sings Picture of You with Boyzone. He really drew the short straw, didn’t he? This song is off the Bean soundtrack, fact fans. He’s so cruise ship. And his suit was bought in a kid’s department. Eat something, boy.
Ronan’s voice is more annoying than I remember it being. At least I have no expectations before Eoghan sings. Quigg 1 Keating 0. Ronan’s also not wearing black like the rest of the performers. Diva.
There is a standing ovation. For Boyzone, let’s assume. Ronan likes Eoghan’s ‘confidence.’ Westlife and Beyonce at least praised their collaborators’ vocals in some way. It’s all I’m saying. Eoghan does his Churchill dog grin again to court votes. I hate his face.

Before Eoghan’s final performance, Simon introduces him by talking about how much he liked Alex’s last performance. That’s just mean. It’s good that Simon’s never had children. ‘I love you son but the girl in your CDT lessons is by any standard worldclass.’ I feel bad for Eoghan.
Eoghan’s repeat performance of is that High School Musical thing. Wildcats everywhere. You know the one. There is no singing that can be heard. His jacket is fetching though. I want it. It would be good for costume parties. Particularly a Tarts, Vicars and Eunuchs one.
Louis compares Eoghan to Fed-Ex again. I don’t like how they’re repeating their quips. Cheryl says it was ‘one of my most memorable performances for you.’ She’s such a nob. Why can’t she talk properly? Simon says he thinks Eoghan’ll make the finals. Erm – he’s already there? So yes, that’s right. Simon is always right.
Eoghan’s elimination was a relief. And a surprise – I’m led to believe he led the voting most weeks. He looks very happy when he’s voted off and has a can-do ‘everyone’s a winner’ attitude. Then he weeps when he’s shown a montage of his best bits. Perhaps he remembered when they cut it off during boot camp?
He sees a producer in a hood in a wood. He hears a twig snap. Then everything went dark.

In other news, it’s all over.
There are some certainties. My Dad liked the JLS-loving nun. Hallelujah will doubtless be #1. Eoghan and JLS will doubtless get record deals too.
There are some questions left though. Will Diana be the first non-finalist to have real money spent on her? Will Beautiful Spanish Ruth become the new Shakira? And what will happen to Thex Factor?
To answer the last question, there will be a special end-of-year recap where I attempt to rank all 12 contestants. After that, every time I see a picture where Alexandra looks like Alexander I will gladly make fun of it. I’m glad she won – the tranny stuff was all in good spirits.

Recaplet - The Best Man Won

It was an emotional night.
Alexandra stomped around like a 'woman' possessed and won the whole thing. JLS were better than good sense would make me think possible. Eoghan was there.
Cheryl wept intermittently and touched Dannii Minogue NOT in a bathroom assault way. Louis and Simon were nice to each other.
Beyonce scared the fuck out of people. Westlife and Boyzone were there.

Thex Factor 8 – I will go down with this ship

These are the salient facts before we begin.


1. It was the semi-final
And it turns out there are a finite number of ways to say that a semi-final is important. I think every contestant says at least once that ‘they have to be in the final’ or ‘that they’re so close.’ I think every judge says at least once that ‘they have to give the performance of their lives.’ Surely they have to be better on final night?

2. There’s a hole in my soul
Or at least there’s a void on the X Factor. That void has ill-fitting clothes and an ill-behaved bosom. That void is beautiful and Spanish and a little shouty. I don’t enjoy this show any more.

3. We have a guest columnist
His name is Dorian. He works with me and is a fan of celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. He dresses boldly and guest columnises just as boldy. Columnises isn’t a word according to my spellchecker. Even when I spell it as columnizes. This is a shame.

4. Il Divo were on
As they are every year. They’ve replaced Westlife on the front page of Simon’s little black book of dull celebrity guests. I don’t know any of Il Divo’s names but I could name all of Westlife. And real names too – not just ‘the gay one,’ ‘the one that looks like a potato,’ ‘the one that ran off with Delta Goodrem’ and so on.
They sing Amazing Grace with bagpipes. I suppose someone was bound to match popera with bagpipes in order to please Mail-reading housewives everywhere but why did I have to see it? Even with my penchant for old men in nice suits, Il Divo are very creepy. One has Simon’s hair. One has Dannii’s tan. It’s not the same one. If it was, I think I’d have to cut myself just a little bit.



On with the rankings….


1. ALEXANDRA – ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’
Which is what I’m going to do now. Alex to win!
Alexandra is embarrassed even before she gets chance to speak. The shouty intro man, who says ‘TONIGHT IT’S THE SEMI FINAL’ and ‘TONIGHT – IL DIVO’, did the foul deed. He introduced the girl’s group as ‘CHERYL AND DIANA’, showed us a long clip of Diana’s dumb red face, then went ‘AND ALEXANDRA.’ Then we saw Alex’s face but no words that I could catch. It was too mean to deserve even a typed Ha! I bet Leona Lewis had some hand in this. She must be jealous and bad sometimes.
On her VT, Simon calls her Listen one of the best X Factor performances of all time. The show’s only five years old but this is still an achievement: there have been hundreds of 90 second performances over the years after all. VT clichés include ‘it means everything,’ ‘I have to make it’, ‘wanting it my whole life’ and ‘pressure.’
She sings some up-tempo Rihanna. Alex is a better singer than Rihanna but has worse hair. The dancing is fast-paced but she’s still singing in full voice, unlike last week. There are runs and dancesteps! There’s also a lot of confetti even though the song’s about dancing in a nasty club rather than getting married.
Louis Walsh says Alex was ‘incredible’ last week and this week was just as ‘good.’ High praise, except ‘good’ isn’t as ‘good’ as ‘incredible.’ Simon must train Louis in how to be more effusive. Dannii Minogue said it was ‘fierce’ because she’s forgotten that she’s on the X Factor and is not a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model. Simon tells Cheryl to shut up. Ha! Simon also says we’ve seen the birth of a star. Or the birth of a star born in the wrong body.
[Meh. There are better Rihanna songs – Dorian]

In VT II, we learn Alex is singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written, by one of the tranniest singers ever to release beautiful songs. She says she wants to stay in the competition because she feels better things can be achieved with her life. This is a remarkably sensible and understated statement for this show. Alex is normal and nice without being painfully wet.
Alex sings Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton. A forgotten 90s diva is unforgotten! Hurrah! I want to see someone doing Dina Carroll next week. It has an underwhelming start as Alex’s tone is bit too girly for her and for the song. Perhaps she doesn’t want to be too husky and tranny and be accused of copying of the husky, tranny original. The end is hoarse and there is a gospel choir. The last note is ace but she chickens out of doing Toni’s series of runs. There is a standing ovation from the judges.
Louis says Alexandra is in a different league to the rest and is an incredible person. Dannii says she’s a star. Simon Cowell says she won’t go home after that performance. Cheryl Cole weeps, prays to some God and thanks Alex for being ace. Alex says Cheryl is her thuggish backbone. Then weeps. Then is asked by Dermot to speak to herself from 3 years ago. Seriously. This happened. Why would I lie?
[Alexandra’s second song was stunning. Powerful and emotional, I loved it. She really deserves to win. I see a pattern emerging though, based on this week and last.
1. open with a dancey happy number
2. follow with a big epic emotional number
3. Cheryl and Alexandra can then tell each other they are amazing and cry.
Though even I got teary over the ‘never give up on your dreams’ schtik. Roll on the finale. Alexandra to win – Dorian]


2. DIANA – ‘I-I-I keep on fallin”
Before Diana comes on, Cheryl brags about still having multiple acts. I like how she began the series as a weeping saviour-type and is ending it as a bit of a dick. The VT focuses on Diana being a fallen star. There’s a repeat of Louis saying she’s the worst girl. This was like a Ha! in flashback. Clichés included ‘the performance of her life,’ ‘it means the world’ and ‘last chance.’
She sings Avril Lavigne and has concealed, correctly-sized boobs. I miss Ruth. She changes the line ‘Hell yeah, I’m a motherfucking Princess’ to ‘I’m the one and only Princess.’ Coward! And also: Ha! Princes Diana has revealed through song that she is a big old brat backstage. The many stories are true. Diana’s strange accent works for Avril as she has a very similar strange accent. I find it odd that there haven’t been more Avril comparisons. Maybe people just really like talking about The Cranberries? Diana dances a bit tonight. Or at least bops around awkwardly and jumps and flings her arms. Her hands look less like they’re going into spasm too. I find the whole thing a bit empty.
Louis Walsh liked it and called her a rock chick and a popstar. He astutely points out that what she just did wasn’t technically dancing. Dannii compares her to Debbie Harry. There just isn’t space to go into this further. Princess Diana is happy to receive praise. She’s trying to seem less offensive.
[During all of her VTs, I can't work out why her face looks so clammy and sweaty. I actually groaned when she first started with Girlfriend, which boasted yet more ridiculous choreography from Mr. Friedman. I swear he must do his job high. I believe we saw the real Diana with that song: I can imagine her being really bitchy, snarling and stealing boyfriends. I really enjoyed it but I’m not sure Debbie Harry would be happy with Dannii's comments – Dorian]

Diana’s second VT promises weeping. Audience weeping. There’s nowhere to hide with this song we hear. She’s singing Dido. So that's Coldplay, comeback Take That, Dido. Diana is the new queen of MOR.
The start is fantastic. Dido has a weird voice too so Diana’s is not too jarring here. The quality drops when the pleasant wailing begins. This sounds counterintuitive but it’s true. She can’t do the high note and looks teary.
Louis says it was the perfect song for Diana. Because Diana is boring now too? Simon said there was no ‘big moment’ and the song wasn’t big enough for the semi-final. He said the same thing to semi-finalist Niki last year and she went home. He is always right. We learn Dido was Diana’s choice. Diana is ‘all kooky’ but loves Dido and wanted to meet Mariah Carey. She is a baffling idiot. She speaks to Dermot and she does the ‘I’m all kooky’ hand gestures that are usually reserved for her performances. To repeat: she is a baffling idiot.

Diana’s eviction is certainly dramatic. Eoghan cries like a little girl, wrapping his non-threatening arms around Diana and repeating ‘I love you so much.’ They sadly don’t pull and destroy both their careers.
She sings a repeat of White Flag but gives up before the end to have a big weep and a group hug with the finalists. Eoghan is crying in a way I’ve never seen a ‘grown-up’ cry. She’s completely surrounded by the others and so misses the fact that she’s earned a standing ovation from the judges.
Dermot tries to interview the finalists. He says ‘I’d rather not speak with Eoghan because he’s so upset.’ I’d rather not speak with Eoghan too but I’d keep quiet about that if his mentor was the one who paid me. Alex mans up enough to give Dermot a coherent answer. She says she’s grateful to be in the final but thought Diana would win. If she keeps giving well-reasoned, articulate answers it’s going to be very hard for me to make fun of her. Alex for the win.
[The second performance was spot on. I felt she got back that captivating element she had with "With or Without You" in week one. So I was SHOCKED when she went. It should have been ruddy JLS or Eoghan. I got emotional, I'm not ashamed to say. Especially when they all descended onto stage. That Eoghan was like a man possessed. I'd have been terrified if I saw his crazy, bawling babyface coming towards me. Mums will love it though. Stunts like that win votes. Alexandra should have tried crying too instead of looking stunned. Perhaps she could have tapped into the anguish of this sex tape business? – Dorian]
[Alleged sex tape business – Thex]
[Cheryl crying though was beautiful. When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she smiles when Dannii is criticised, I smile – Dorian]


3. EOGHAN – ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’
Eoghan is on first again. Simon introduces him, saying ‘Northern Ireland represent.’ Oh Simon, leave the unconvincing gangsta talk to JLS. VT Clichés included ‘I keep pinching myself’ and ‘I don’t want it to end.’
We learn Eoghan will be rockin’ out. Jesus. Brian says Eoghan was good in rehearsal but will have to be good on stage too. Oh my. Stupid comments have reached a new low. Why couldn’t they fire him completely last year, instead of just demoting him? He drains my strength.
Eoghan is singing Busted. I don’t miss Busted. They couldn’t sing too well so Eoghan’s vocal works. He has very bendy legs like a more sexless Willy Wonka. He changes the lyrics from ‘your great-great-great-granddaughter is pretty fine’ to ‘is doing fine.’ Because ‘pretty fine’ is such coarse language? Goodness’ sake, producers – just cut off his dick and be done with it.
Cheryl Cole says Eoghan should release bad rock when he’s a recording artist. Louis Walsh says Eoghan is on happy pills. Ha! Sexless Quigg takes uppers.
[He makes me angry – Dorian]

On Eoghan’s second VT, much fuss is made about Eoghan’s song choice. He’s singing his favourite ever song by the biggest group ever. It’s a bit surprising who his favourite group is apparently, for a boy of his age.
See I was thinking The Beatles would be his surprise faves, what with the best one dying before Eoghan was even born but no – Eoghan is doing Abba. He sings Does Your Mother Know and is less good than Christine Baranski. She’s ace and Eoghan is a castrated goon. That said, the singing isn’t bad and I think he’s actually singing this week rather than letting the backing track do all the work.
Louis Walsh calls him a fantastic role model. Because people with stunted growth can still be stars? Because he’s infantilised himself to make more money? Yes, cut it off, kids. Sex is shame. Be just like him. Dannii Minogue is the lone voice of reason and says it was cheesy. It is not Abba’s ‘coolest’ song.
With Dermot, there’s more talk about the big shock that Eoghan is an Abba fan. And how rare it is to be ‘a 16 year-old lad’ who likes Abba. It’s not rare if you’re a certain type of 16 year-old lad. If you’re the type who has to put it between his legs before he gets to sing. If you’re the type who weeps for a good ten minutes in front of millions when your hag gets voted off. Then it all makes too much sense.
[Simon Cowell is a genius with his grooming of Eoghan. He's nailed the little girl Disney tween market, what with High School Musical last week and tonight’s Jonas Brothers/Busted cover. Then he got the Mums on side with Does Your Mother Know. Words fail me: his favourite band Abba? Hmmmm. Nothing to do with Mamma Mia being the biggest selling DVD in England then? His voice isn’t good enough and the backing track carries him. He is consistent and he does perform well but still he has to go. If only for the fact he scares me with his weird blinking, leering thing when Dermot reads his number out – Dorian]


4. JLS – ‘Grab the weave and turns my eyes Chinese’
On their VT, JLS call their song a ‘track’. Blood. They are too gangsta for me to take. Whiteman clichés on their VT include ‘dreams coming true,’ ‘one moment’, ‘can’t take it in’, ‘it’s everything I’ve wanted since a little boy’ [sic] and that chestnut ‘pressure.’
JLS do more Rihanna. It’s Umbrella and sadly not that one about breakin’ dishes up in here all night uh-huh or that one that compares riding a car to riding a lady. The little one’s voice sounds very thin. Or little. They’re not in time. They dance around. I’m so over JLS. The little one changes the last line to ‘you can be my Cinderella’ because he thinks he’s Chris Brown. He’s not Chris Brown. Brown has 2 good songs. The little one has 0.
The judges are very positive. I thought this was so that JLS didn’t receive any pity otes but looking back I think the judges just like JLS. Blood. Simon calls Umbrella one of the most recognisable songs of all time. Yes, maybe it is. If you’re ten. If you’re older than that, you’ll probably know other famous songs. Imagine, Bohemian Rhapsody, Jailhouse Rock, Hey Jude, Dancing Queen, Bridge over Troubled Water, My Way. Simon’s hyperbole is ridiculous.

Their second VT is no better or more meaningful. There are dreams and music means everything to them and talk of a performance that is the most important performance of their lives.
The little one’s face is very odd. He looks like a melting toy frog. I don't recognise their second song until the chorus when I realise – oh, it’s that Westlife song about dead people. Deadwife never did this one. Good for him. It’s about prayers and sunshine in your hair. It’s from the perspective of a corpse. We’re seeing a very morbid yet gangsta JLS this week. Blood. I didn’t pay much attention to the singing but I can assure you it met their usual low standards.
Dannii says it was classy and beautiful. It was neither. Cheryl said it was their best ballad performance because they’ve learned how to sing. I’m so barely paraphrasing here. That is what she said – it just took her longer. Simon says they can win. Louis cries a bit for the love of JLS. But doesn’t cry as hard as he did when Ruth left or when Deadwife sang a song for his dead wife.
[Umbrella was better than it should have been, as was this. I think it was their best to date. This worried me for Diana and clearly rightly so – Dorian]

In other news, my parents aren’t going to be guest columnists as I’d hoped. They keep going out on Saturday nights instead. I thought blogs were designed to bring families together as well as to rank examples of pleasant wailing and make mean-spirited comments about fat girls and widowers. I thought wrong.
It is the final next week. I am looking forward to some oversung versions of Hallelujah. That chord won’t be so sacred after Saturday.

Recaplet - The Zzz Factor

The worst show so far? Perhaps. No one was very, very good. No one was hilariously bad. Crucially, there was no Spaniard shouting and gyrating and thrusting and heaving. The best bit was a communal weeping at the end.

In brief: Diana admitted to being a 'princess' (but not a motherfucking one as the original lyrics stated.) JLS sang for dead husbands everywhere (but Deadwife was nowhere to be seen.) Alex femmed up with some Rihanna (but was still more manly than Abba-loving Eoghan.)

Full recap later in the week.

Thex Factor 7 – G-get it, g-get it, uh. G-get it, g-get it, woah.

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Manchester bloggers’ blog week on Thex Factor.
We have a rather astonishing 3 (but hopefully 4) guest columnists this week. I am very excited by this. 4 of us took notes en masse and ate peanuts.

Chris is a writer who blogs and writes novels. Sian is no fool. Sian is very up-and-coming in the way that I am very up-and-coming but she doesn’t have a blog. Maybe if she tries hard in all her exams she can have one too! Martin blogs but he was too ill to take notes with us.

2. It is also Britney Spears week
This is clearly less exciting than the fact that it’s Manchester bloggers’ blog week but it is still a salient fact.
During the results, Britney mimes Womanizer and dances rather sluggishly but she doesn’t look drunk or fat so I guess we’re still calling this a comeback. She sadly doesn’t sing her new song where she spells out ‘Fuck Me.’ It's called ‘If U Seek Amy.’ It's ace.
Britney is not the only guest. Miley Cyrus does a Diet Alanis song and also is probably not singing live. It’s not great and it’s shoved at the end of the performances which makes it feel yet more disposable.
[Cyrus is prone to the same mispronunciation as Diana. She buys all her clothes in the Arndale Centre's no-name shops. Rock! - Sian]
[I kind of hope she walks into one of the pyrotechnics. She has a strange voice and can't seem to keep still. What is she getting all excited about? – Chris]

3. There were adverts.
These adverts were more entertaining than some of the performances. As is my understanding: Pizza Hut now sell Pasta, Argos sell Christmas gifts and many artists have albums out now.

4. It is a sad day.
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth is off. Lorenzo, Lorenzo will dance no more. Or rub her hair. Or hike up her skirt. Or weep beautiful, Spanish tears. Or shout. Or sit on her Mamma’s scarf.
Making things worse, there’s still that rumour lingering that Beyonce’s going to appear on the final, duetting with one of the finalists. We’ll never get to see Beyonce and Ruth doing Beautiful Liar together. Beyonce, Beyonce. Lorenzo, Lorenzo. It would have been brilliant. Though Alex doing If I Were A Boy will still be fun. It’s not a big ‘If’ after all.
This is the first elimination that made me sad. Well, unhappy sad, rather than loser sad. I will miss this woman, her mangled pronunciation and her comically-heaving bosom. I don’t really care who wins anymore as Diana’s gone a bit shit.


On with the rankings...

1. BEAUTIFUL SPANISH RUTH – ‘Saying to yourself this here ain’t fair’
BSR’s first VT is heartbreaking if you watch it after the event. She speaks of how good she’s got and we see clips of how all the judges love her. There’s a montage of her being brilliant and having subtly different hairdos every week. There’s also a montage of Alex being good for some reason, which perhaps should have made BSR’s eventual booting less of a shock.
She’s on first because the man doesn’t want her to stay and people who sing sooner are more at risk. She sings I Love Rock ‘N Roll for no other reason than because she loves rock ‘n roll. It is great and involves very melodic shouting. There’s also a mechanical bull and a lot of hair-flicking and full-body heaving. Oh and she says ‘dance with may’ instead of ‘dance with me,’ Britney-style. When in Rome I guess.
The judges are positive. Cheryl’s grammar continues to confuse me. There’s some business between BSR and Simon where Ruth explains there was a bull because ‘I thought you liked bulls.’ Simon’s reply is ‘I could say the same about you.’ It makes no sense.
[Beforehand Cheryl Someone-or-Other says this performance will be 'the weirdest thing ever.' It is 'I love Rock N' Roll'. It's not very weird. I watch this one while trying to eat a pizza. There is a 'triumphant' keychange towards the end. I write 'foghorn' on my sheet. There is confusing talk afterwards – I'm not sure what's going on; I just want to finish my pizza. – Chris]

Ruth’s second performance is of Always by Bon Jovi. This was the first single I ever bought. I was told I was only allowed 1 tape so I went back the next day to buy Rhythm of the Night by Corona. Always was also the first song Ruth ever learned in English. This is yet more evidence that Ruth and I should be friends.
She has a devilish graphic backdrop, all fire and brimstone. It is quite a frightening two and a bit minutes. That said, she is awesome and attention-monopolising.
Cheryl is right when she says that it got a bit shouty. The wailing verged on being unpleasant which is rare for Ruth. Simon praises the performance for being incredibly emotional and Ruth for being determined. Neither ‘emotional’ nor ‘determined’ equal ‘good’ but I think Simon was trying to be flattering.
[I thought if I heard another superlative I'd be sick. Pass the best bucket we've...ever...seen...on...this...show... BSR did a great shouty performance that made Simon babble the goalposts into a whole new position. – Sian]
[This truly was a scary performance. Accompanied by a wall of flame Ruth turned 'I will Love You Baby Always' into a furious threat. At one point near the end I thought she was going to explode and braced myself. At the end her face melted with emotion and Cheryl said it sounded like 'it came from the pit of your stomach' which although supposed to be a compliment was actually insinuating that it sounded like she was throwing up. – Martin]

Enough talk of vomit, bloggers. Ruth’s last performance – an encore of Always – was brilliant. Like Purple Rain, Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, Love Ain’t Here Anymore and Angels. Bye bye Ruth.


2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Don’t get strung out ‘bout the way I look. Don’t judge a book by its cover’
Her first VT reminds us of previous Leona comparisons and shows Alex being hoarse and tranny but still very good. We learn she’ll have 14 dancers and all the dancing will make her vocals less good. I’m sorry for sounding teenage but – duh. She says leaving this week would kill her. They make such fuss these people. Don’t they?
She sings Toxic and it doesn’t really work. Mainly because of the Tran factor. Her red leather jacket is two sizes too big, as if she bought it before she started transitioning. She’s also got scary, tranny eye make-up. It’s just a bit too Alexander/Alexandra for me.
The singing part isn’t much better because Toxic isn’t so much about the singing. Or singing live anyway. The whole thing’s processed to hell. That’s its charm.
Alexandra on the other hand is very much about the singing. That’s her charm. So having her out of breath and struggling to hit notes was wrong. Cheryl seems to understand this to an extent – as there’s a mimed vocodery bit – but it still wasn’t for me.
The judges love it because they liked the spectacle. More fool them. Simon Cowell says that if this contest was based on talent rather than popularity, Alex would be in the final. This was meant to be nice but also: Ha! He just said the frontrunners aren’t talented. And that Alex isn’t popular.
[She looked like an X-man. Not an ex-man. Though I could see the 'tranny' thing a couple of times when the camera caught her face wrong – Martin]
[I like that it was a hotel-themed Toxic - there's a luggage trolley on stage and she's wearing a shower curtain. She sang the last 'you know that you're toxic' like she was saying 'you know that I'm not going to tip you'. She didn't sing 'steak egg and chips I'm outta here' like Britney does. – Sian]

Alexandra’s second VT is endlessly weepy. I suppose because the song she’s about to sing isn’t as jolly as Toxic. There’s talk of her tackling an impossibly big vocal. It could ruin her etc. etc. etc. Except she’s already sung this song at Cheryl’s house. We all saw it. It was shown on TV a few months ago. She sang it well. Yet more VT bullshit.
Alexandra’s second performance is the best of the night. Her tone is wonderful when its matched to the right song. She somehow makes the Beyonce song Listen more preposterous and wonderful. She does her own runs and doesn’t play copycat. She also has a flattering dress on and her hairdo is more feminine than we’re used to. It is awesome and earns a deserved standing ovation from the judges.
The judges bathe Alex in spit. Louis likes her because she sings and dances. His words, not mine. Simon likes her because she’s ‘decent off-camera’. Or, no one calls her Princess Diana because she’s such a twat. Dannii says nothing interesting. Cheryl weeps and gushes. This is yet more evidence that she’s not a racist.
[There was weird crying beforehand. I don't know what everyone is getting so upset about. It is just a TV programme. Calm down. – Chris]


3. DIANA – ‘It’s not my fault. I’m not to blame.’
Diana was on last because the producers want her to stay. Performing last is called the ‘pimp spot’ on American Idol, fact fans. Her VTs have become a bit mopey now as there aren’t any clips from the week before of her being very good. Because she hasn’t been very good for quite some time.
We learn that the Britney song she’s singing completely summarises her life and where she is. It’s I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. Written by Dido. For a Britney vanity project film. When that song defines you, you may be a bit shallow.
Diana starts off writhing around on a chair in her bare feet. She gets up and the vocals don’t improve. Her shit is quite old now and I don’t know why Cheryl keeps giving her MOR radio favourites every week. We all know Diana shines doing Blondie and showing her pants.
The judges are less than positive. Louis thinks her shit has got old too and scolds her for not dancing. The first part is right but the second part makes Louis look like an idiot. Or like he needs all his pop served with dancers whoring or fagging around. Dannii says it was pitchy and tentative, which is fair. Simon says she’s in trouble.
[Kind of fancy her at first. I think, 'Why can't she work in the Somerfield near me?' She wanders around without her shoes on, singing in an odd voice, pronouncing things strangely. I make the note 'ferrity throat'. 70% successful keychange. Good ruffled hair at the end. Consider finding and 'friending' her on Facebook when I get home. She is only 17, though – Chris]

She almost redeemed herself with just one line of Everybody Hurts. I stopped being angry at least. Her tone works for me, mainly because I know what words she’s trying to say. (I don’t know how her voice will work when she releases original songs.) The song also suits a bit of pleasant wailing. Everybody cries, everybody wails I suppose. There’s a lot of growling and ugly noises and ugly faces. She looks possessed and there’s a nice, whispered ‘no, no’ bit. She looks like she’s trying this time. Thankfully.
The judges are positive. Though Louis says she’s the worst girl left. This is true but also: Ha! Simon says it was a million times better than her first song. Well, no. The first song was a 3 and this was a 7 at best. I’m bored of his hyperbole. Cheryl says she’s a little fighter. I think a celebrity thug like Cheryl Cole should talk about fighting less but praise is praise. There’s another reminder that Diana was ill a few weeks ago and that’s why she’s been so shit. Vote 4 Diana etc. etc. etc. It doesn’t wash with me.
[She is wandering around again without her shoes on. Don't worry, Diana. Everything will be okay. She seems very 'curious' about things – like something as simple as a bottle of showergel might make her get all confused and 'cute' over it. I don't know. I have stopped fancying her by now, even though she has good hair at the end again. – Chris]
[Because the clocks have gone back, and the song is relentlessly miserable, they put big light boxes on the stage to alleviate depression. There was good, dirty, growly singing to help with this too – Sian]


4. JLS – ‘Don’t want no short, short man’
They sap my strength I swear. The moody VT focuses on them being in the bottom two and everyone being ‘devastated’ but still badass and gangsta. They wanted to tell Simon Cowell to hurry up and vote Rachel off. Such rudeboyz. I wish they had done that. They also use the term ‘a whisker’ to signify something very small. That’s such an old lady term. They confuse me.
The little one who does all the singing feels guilty because he did all the singing and no one liked the singing. This is strange logic. Surely the ones who just stood there should feel more guilty. They did even less to court votes than sing badly.
The VT then focuses on Louis’s ridiculous song choice: Baby One More Time.
Thankfully JLS don’t wear their school uniforms. We learn JLS are less manly than Britney Spears. And less gangsta too. (See those stupid jackets they wear for proof.) The whole thing is awful. They’re flat which seems incredible on Britney week. Her songs are written for someone with rather a limited range. The growling helps a little but not enough.
There are ‘We love JLS’ screams from the audience. No one loves JLS. Dannii is positive because she doesn’t want Louis to make her cry again. There’s no other explanation. Cheryl says it was bad and Simon chooses to summarise it with one word: ‘limp.’ He then lists all the ways that it was ‘lame’. Then why not summarise it with the word ‘lame?’ Silly Simon.
[They did 'Hit me baby one more time' and I have to say I don't think I would ever tire of hitting them. Especially the tiny lead singer who, like everyone else on the show, had a 'CRY' button on his back that could be pressed at the end of the song. For some unexplained reason the group performed in front of a metal bar, sole purpose of which seemed to be for them to lean on like winos at the start of the song. One guy’s jacket was so shiny I could see my face in it. The judges gave them a kicking. When Simon referred to them as both 'Limp' and 'Lame,' it made me 'Laugh' at 'Louis'. – Martin]
[I write 'dirty bitches' on my sheet. They are overdramatic and confusing. I write 'idiot menchildren' on my sheet. I am trying to digest the pizza. There is a '2 out of 10' keychange. Afterwards, Simon Cowell says something about someone being 'literally insane'. At this point I feel confused and kind of want to go home. – Chris]

Their second VT features Puff Daddy’s Godzilla theme as its soundtrack. There’s nothing more gangsta than Puff Daddy film tie-ins to JLS!
They then do that Leann Rimes song about God lighting up your life. It can’t be wrong when it feels so right. So many nights I sit by my window. That one. I think they’re after the God vote what with this song choice and what with their mormon reggae cover last week.
They sing terribly and wear bright white boyband suits. They oversing and yet undersing in the sense they can’t hit the notes. Boyz II Men would find the whole thing dated. And limp. Then probably list all the ways it was lame as Simon sucked on the end of a biro.
The judges say this performance was much better, which is true, and that it was good, which is not true. Cheryl and Dannii have a big old laugh about the fact that they weren’t dancing, even though Louis had scolded Diana for not dancing. It’s a nice moment. It looks like the two lady judges are having fun and don’t hate each other all the time.
[For their second song I have written down in my notes 'BORING' – Martin]


5. EOGHAN – ‘She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s Miss United States’
On his VT, Eoghan calls Cheryl maybe the most beautiful girl in the world. Don’t kiss ass, Quiglet. He’s also starting to get spots. This is bad for him. His whole popularity is based on him looking prepubescent. If his skin goes, and things start dropping and sprouting, it’s all over for him.
There’s a lot of VT drama about Eoghan singing a Britney song. Because Britney’s a girl and Eoghan’s a boy. I have 2 points to make.
1) He did fine on Mariah week, which required more singing
2) Whatevs – Eoghan’s not exactly a trucker. Most girls are bigger than him.
There’s an American Sweethearts theme on stage, with girls in 50s skirts and boys in silly jackets snogging. Eoghan’s doing Sometimes, which is all about virginity and learning. He’s lyrically very much in his comfort zone. He promises everyone listening that he’ll hold them tight and treat them right and be with them day and night. See – you don’t need to leave the house. Eoghan will love you.
The belting is nice and there is a Diana-style claw clamped to the side of his head when he does the difficult bits. When I say ‘difficult’, I mean the bits where Eoghan starts shouting to seem more talented.
Dannii thought it was pitchy and the choreography was too young for him. This is strange advice as we’re generally encouraged to see Eoghan as a cutely pitchy eight year-old. Or a Smurf. Cheryl said he was cute, but not great, and Simon said it was okay. High praise indeed. In other news, Dermot knows the word ‘ambivalent.’
[I don't understand this man and why this is the first time he's had 'ambivalent feedback'. He was glowing from the willy fiddling he's been doing all week because Mrs Cole wants to be his Mrs Robinson. – Sian]

The second performance upsets me. The theme is St. Patrick’s High School Musical. You read that right. It’s as exploitative as it sounds.
Now I don’t mind High School Musical. I like when the fat girl dances. I like the bits where we’re meant to believe Zac Efron plays sports. I like the whole ‘being in a musical is an alternative lifestyle’ thread that runs through them. But I don’t want to see this bizarre manchild chanting ‘Wildcats. Here we go.’ Because it’s lies. He’s never been in a basketball team called the Wildcats. He’s never had a pet rat called Ben either. Eoghan is a big fraud.
The song requires almost no singing after the first thirty seconds. The backing track does it all for him. The backing dancers do all the dancing too so Eoghan can just stand there. And sway. And bop.
Louis Walsh thought it was a little busy. Though he’s been bleating on tonight about how much he likes dancing, it appears he doesn’t like too much dancing. The other judges are immensely positive. Eoghan does his disgusting leering grin when Dermot reads out his voting number. His head wobbles like the Churchill dog. He smiles likes he’s just finished the swimsuit round of Little Miss Wyoming. Or like he’s mentally ill.
[I write 'this should be stopped' on my sheet. Towards the end he gets lifted into the air by some of the backing dancers and peers around at the crowd and the ceiling like a curious, precocious baby. Do I fancy some of the backing dancers? I don't know. Possibly, in a really 'obvious' way. I feel like a perverted 70-year-old man – Chris]
[He jigged about the stage with the grace and flow of a Thunderbirds puppet accompanied by at least 300 dancers. At many points I lost track of him and half expected (read: really wanted) him to be trampled underfoot. Louis babbled on about dancing like the petulant child he is and everyone else cooed over little Eoghan like broody aunties - Martin]
[This was a bobby-socked Earth Song. Where's school disco Jarvis to moon at him? – Sian]

A very special thanks to my special guests. Who didn't mime.
In other news, my Dad thought Ruth was rubbish. He's a difficult man to please. This is why I have such Daddy issues.