These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. We have a guest columnist
Her name is Nancy. Many of my friends refer to her as Lovely Nancy. Sadly, this nickname has not caught on the way it did for Tiny Tim, Loverat Darren Day or Sporty Spice but there is still time.
2. It was the final!
Except there were two finals with different numbers of contestants on each night. So really, a final and a semi-final. And the three on the first night were called the finalists, and the two on the second night were called the finalists. And the top twelve have been called the finalists all year. It’s like Adam and Eve named all the different things in the garden for nothing! The finals featured lots of boring performances by the final three, one last group song, a croaky Sir Paul McCartney medley, great performances by Leona, JLS, Alexandra and Robbie Williams and a bizarre song by George Michael about Jesus.
[Best moment of the whole weekend was undoubtedly when Jedward took to the stage for one last time - gone but not forgotten – Nancy]
3. Olly is a loser.
Stacey is one too.
[Which is a shame, as Dannii is my secret fave judge - love her quiff – Nancy]
Joe is the winner. But this season, I think we’re all losers. We’ve seen some hilarious performances from John & Edward, at least one thoroughly dreadful one by Danyl and some alright ones from Lucie, Rachel and Joe. It’s not really been worth it and I don’t get how it’s taken so many months to achieve so little.
4. Killing In The Name Of is a great song
And a better one than The Climb, no matter who’s singing it. I hope Rage make #1, not because I hate this show but because I love that song. And I think there is an argument for us all paying the 80p, sticking up our fingers to SyCo, or just the man in general like Rock Profile Jo Whiley wanted us to, and saying ‘we don’t like this song’ and ‘we don’t want to buy it.’
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Your destiny may keep your warm’
Or you may get very cold waiting for the assistant manager of Pizza Express to let you in the back. I’m sure Steve Brookstein still sings at Pizza Express. Or maybe somewhere posher, like Ask or Zizzi.
Joe’s first VT has Cheryl Cole meeting his family. She’s wearing a shirt and coat with black and white skulls on. Bitch can’t dress. Joe tells us he’s gone to ‘me mam’s house’ and then we see his mam who’s right canny. He then sings in either an arena or a massive mall, that makes the place Stacey performed in look like a small foyer. What Makes A Man by Westlife is the backing music this week: a song that got beaten to Christmas #1 by Bob the Builder. Thinking back, the Christmas #1 really wasn’t too sad a tradition to lose to these crap coronation singles.
He’s singing his Luther Vandross audition again piece and I hate this song. It brings out the worst in his voice too. It seems short – and it’s not mercifully short – it just feels very choppy. And then a choir appears and it’s done. Weird. Joe is the one minute man of finale performances.
Dannii says Joe’s adorable and he nods. Ha! Maybe he is secretly a dick. Cheryl weeps and brings Joe’s parents into the equation for some pity votes. We see Joe’s fans in South Shields and a woman entertains me greatly by telling one of Girls Aloud that her name is ‘Vote Joe.’
Cheryl speaks of the ‘craziest butterflies’ as the duets round begins. I have to say I was legitimately excited about the duets, even though I’d seen all the spoilers by mistake and all the spoilers were correct.
Joe’s duetting with George Michael, in what is the feyest pairing since George sang ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ with Sir Elton John. I bet they’re doing it. Oh wait no, Joe is “straight.” George is fat and flat and keeps his eyes closed, kind of killing the concept of a fakely affectionate duet. It’s hard to tell if he’s fatter or flatter. The beard is crazy. Joe sounded great though. Well done him, even if he does look TINY stood next to Dermot.
Next is a repeat round. So we’ve seen Joe do NO new songs on the Saturday night show. That’s just great. He redoes his Elton John number and it’s perfect. And I think I was more in the mood for it this time. He really is a great singer in a Broadway and/or slightly boring way. He receives, or rather earns, another standing ovation from all four judges. Louis tells Joe he deserves to make the final two but then he said that to the other two too. Simon says Joe is special. We have to assume he doesn’t mean spesh.
On Sunday night, Joe redoes Journey. Making that his third Journey performance of the season. It is a tiny bit piercing this time. It makes me enjoy it less but reassures me that Joe is not a robot built by SyCo to sing perfectly every week. Louis says Joe is a small boy with a big voice and a great future. That is good wordplay. Simon says it’s not a well-known song and I get angry.
Joe then tackles the winners’ song which is a Miley Cyrus cover. Why couldn’t they have done Fly on the Wall? The Climb is not only inherently rubbish but my real issue with it is that it’s not about something else. All X Factor winner singles are about winning the X Factor and something else. Hallelujah and When You Believe were about religious figures and winning the X Factor. Against All Odds, A Moment Like Theeese and That’s My Goal were about lovin’ and lustin’ and winning the X Factor. The Climb is schmaltz about schmaltz and winning the X Factor. It doesn’t work. Joe sings it fine, with suddenly improved hair, but it’s not endearing. And he looks very creepy in the face: all pinched around the mouth. I think he says ‘fuck me’ when he’s done too.
[I doubt he’s been programmed to say rude words – Nancy]
Dannii says it’s one of her absolute favourite songs. Really? Cheryl cries but doesn’t convulse like she did last year over Alexandra. Maybe because Joe’s not as exciting and won’t go on to be famous enough to help the Cole brand. Shame that.
2. OLLY – ‘I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?’
Olly’s VT says he’s redoing Superstition. It’s very matter-of-fact so I should be too. Olly goes home in a helicopter and his neighbourhood and old school look very green and leafy. Maybe Olly is secretly posh? Oh there’s some secrets coming out this weekend. Simon goes to Murses house and has Butterscotch Angel Delight. Who eats that at his age? Who would be so common! Simon says Olly is one of the nicest people he ever met. Oh, please. He said that about Journey South and look where it got them. I think he said it about Jedward too.
His Superstition comes with a waistcoat and some maladjusted dancing attempts. There is some excellent pleasant growling, which comes when Olly is lying down. Olly has learned how to sing it seems. He should have done all his performances lying on the floor. There would have been less shit dancing that way too. He also scoots along the floor under the skirts of his whorish dancers.
The judges are positive. Simon says Olly is the best risk he’s ever taken. Like barebacking with someone really hot and rich.
Olly does Angels with Robbie Williams. Simon is really playing an easy hand here. A lazy one too. I notice there’s a lovely Christmas tree on the stage and that helps. Robbie looks no less intoxicated than the last time he was on and – oh yes – fucks up the words to Angels. I hate that song but I, like everyone who’s ever owned a radio, know all the words to Angels. How can Robbie get it wrong? The whole affair is poorly sung and they touch each other too much. Their mint, legend banter is insufferable
[Robbie made it all a bit guys-in-the-pub having a go at karaoke – Nancy]
[I think you’re being too generous. They looked far more pissed than that. They hug and yell like they’re singing in an alleyway after being thrown out of the pub – Thex]
Robbie’s eyes are so weird and when he’s done “singing” he yells and chants for Olly to win. There is a nice bit where Robbie says Olly was giving 111% or 112%. See, Robbie can be okay when he’s insulting Simon.
Olly’s redo is ‘A Fool In Love.’ So he’s redoing a performance everyone’s forgot. Of a song Simon admitted weeks ago nobody knows. Simon really wanted Joe to win, didn’t he? It’s fun but it’s not a winning performance, shall we say.
[Agreed. He couldn’t beat Joe. Olly's performances were founded on raunch and more mis-placed 'hip-action' than even old Brucie can shake a stick at - he was never going to beat the cherub that is Joe in the battle for the nation's heart – Nancy]
Louis says Olly is sexy, and clearly doesn’t care who knows it. Cheryl says he hopes Olly will be in the bottom two which is quite the Freudian slip. Simon does a weird eulogy for Olly saying not to be disappointed ‘whatever the result.’ Dermot then starts asking him about he’d feel if it were his last performance. No one expected him to win for a second. Or even come second, for a second.
But survive he does, and so on Sunday night we get another batch of VTs and okay performances. On his VT, we learn Olly will have to give not 112% but 150%. I’m not sure how accurate any of this Maths is. Or what percentage would have stopped Joe from walking it.
[The bookies didn't even need to do the maths. Crap hats won’t get you the crown – Nancy]
Olly redoes Twist & Shout and it’s good fun and the dancing is silly. The judges say it’s fun also and that they enjoyed the dancing. Olly once again defends the Fwiyer dancing breakdown. I assume he means Thriller dancing. My beef is with the fact this is his fourth Beatles cover. Why not just join a tribute band and save us all the pain of dealing with you?
Olly’s attempt at the winners’ single isn’t too bad. He isn’t that much worse than Joe as his razorthin voice kind of suits this Disney pop. Put it this way, he’s not as outmatched as when Ray took on Leona.
[I disagree. There was no contest here. It was a classic example of good versus bad, and not just in the quality of their vocal chords – Nancy]
[Like David and Goliath, if Goliath had a fatter head and couldn’t dance – Thex]
Simon’s mouth is covered and he looks like he wants to be sick. Olly’s cheeks are bloated. Then it’s over.
Dannii is amazed that Olly can sing and says he has ‘a voice we’ve never heard before.’ Ha! We are shown a montage of Olly’s spasm dancing, awful hats and worse hair. Olly never won me over and I hope he won’t be famous after this show.
3. STACEY – ‘When all the clouds darken up the skyway’
Stacey’s VT features a lot of grinning. She looks unhinged and far weirder in the face than Dannii Minogue does. She goes to Dagenham and there’s a house, a school, a theatre.
She does Wonderful World, her audition song, and performs it sitting down. Strange there was no mention of this in her first VT. We know from past dramatics VTs how she struggles with basic things like walking and lying and lusting and dancing. Sitting would have been top of my list of things Stacey can’t do but any fucking moron can. Dannii cries during the performance, presumably for her own reasons as there’s nothing moving about the performance. It’s yelly and fine with the odd flourish.
Louis loves it and Simon says Stacey continues to surprise him. Really? I thought she was the same every week? Didn’t you say that a fortnight ago, Simon? No more Angel Delight for you, it makes you forgetful.
We see Stacey’s fans who are interviewed by a very jolly Jeff Brazier. Clearly he’s not still mourning for England’s Rose, Jade Goody.
Stacey’s duet is probably what stopped her making the final two (and not just because
she’s duetting with the least famous singer).
[It was over before this. Poor love, she looked bewildered from the off, a bit like she hadn't been doing this for the last six months. Although by far the most charismatic of the final three (despite Olly's best efforts with all those 'aren't I charming?' hats), the dual personality ditz/diva show was wearing a bit thin, and even footage of her utterly adorable family wasn't going to save her – Nancy]
The arrangement is bizarre and the singing is yelly and odd. (That’s the whole season though, isn’t it?) Her pronunciation is fucked too. She tells us she’s Feeling Gurd. Or perhaps it’s Curd? And she’s going round fingering the puddings in Marks and Spencer? Michael Buble pops up but can’t salvage it like you’d think he could. After all, Buble is a real singer: singing, not yelling and looking only slightly drunk. Stacey has enormous hips. Between these and that nose, she’s just not pretty enough to be a diva. Buble looks hot.
Stacey redoes Queen and goes all popera on us. She sings about her feengerteeps! She has the Leona hair but it goes without saying that she does not have a Leona voice. In fact, watching Leona sing on Sunday night just makes me feel they should’ve made her the winner a second time. The judges love Stacey’s performance and pretend this year hasn’t been a total wash out. Which you, my beloved dozens of readers, know it has.
Saturday 19 December 2009
Thursday 10 December 2009
Thex Factor – Michael Jackson week – ‘Keep it in the closet’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Michael Jackson week
This is a recycled theme that I’m not too happy about. Remember last year when Austin was the only good one that week? And when B.S.Ruth was so boring she ended up in the bottom two and had to unleash her Purple Rain? Simon specifies that 150% is required of the semi-finalists, which is a tough number to reach. This year’s MJ week is very different because this year Michael is a beloved and dead person and not a bankrupt and living person. Simon does the weirdest eulogy ever and poor old Janet has to be called Michael’s sister every time she’s mentioned. She also doesn’t get an interview after her results show performance and charmingly runs off the stage when Dermot gets on with the results business and the lights dim. Oh and her thunder is really stolen by Lady Gaga. Janet dancing maniacally and ‘sexily’ just can’t compare to the below.
2. I would not want to meet Lady Gaga
She performs her “unusual” song in a bathtub full of zombies. She also sings with less help than Stacey’s had in months. She’s dressed as a lego zombie though so it’s hard to take her too seriously. Oh and she yells ‘sing it X Factor’ with murderous intent. And also yells that she’s a ‘freak bitch, baby.’ I believe her, baby. The best bit is when Dermot interviews her while she’s in a bathtub full of zombies. This whole five minutes far surpasses Jedward’s entire run on the WTF meter.
3. Ding dong, the witch is dead!
I think this is the first Wizard of Oz gag I’ve made about the none-more-gayer Danyl. He hasn’t been the worst for weeks so there’s a vague sense he didn’t deserve to go but also great relief as he’s a tool.
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk’
Joe’s VT is an unfortunate reminder of how weird Joe used to look and sound. We also see cute baby pictures where he seems to be wearing a sari. I guess it’s dress up but it’s still weird. Simon speaks of Joe’s tone and how he’s almost note perfect. (Yet Simon insists that friend of Dorothy Danyl is the best singer. Why?) The VT backing music is beyond creepy. It sounds like it’s from a Disney remake of Battle Royale. It has menace and schmaltz in equal measure.
He’s singing She’s Out of My Life. She? Really? It should be clear whether Joe’s going to laugh or cry. Or live or die. Until Joe kind of starts crying. Again, just like his Elton number last week, this is exactly what Danyl wanted to do with Careless Whisper but failed in the eyes of many. To creep people out in a good way. Cheryl calls it ‘chilling’ which I’m not convinced is a compliment on Saturday night TV but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Joe’s second VT is a ‘Meet the Parents’ affair. Except without the slapstick: it’s just the schmaltz and the meeting of parents. Joe’s Gran and Dad have such strong Geordie accents that they sound stoned. Oh and the scary VT music is back.
Joe’s doing Open Arms by Journey, or Mariah if you prefer. Ha! There are purple strobe lights and falling fireworks. It’s not his best but it does make me want to listen to Open Arms. I don’t write down what the judges say but it should be obvious they are complimentary.
2. DANYL – ‘I’m asking him to change his ways’
Danyl can’t believe he’s still in the competition. This is just what Lloyd said the week before. And both times I wrote ‘Nor I’ in my notes. That tinge of self-awareness in contestants is clearly the kiss of death for them. He promises in his VT he will give everything. Which is clearly less than the 150% Simon specified. No wonder Danyl was voted off.
He’s singing Man in the Mirror and sounds very hoarse and nasal. Simon covers his mouth in disgust. Then a polar bear appears on the screen. What? Then there’s a choir – sadly not of kids this week. This is a choir of adults, one of which looks exactly like Alexandra Burke.
Louis Walsh is bemused by the polar bear and hilariously and acutely asks if Simon thought he was doing Earth Song. Louis is the sharpest judge on the panel. I have written it. It is so. Cheryl says Danyl gave 110%. Again, this is 40% too little.
Danyl’s second VT features his Mum. His Mum says Danyl is such a giving person. I always assumed he was a taker but I admit his Mum knows him better than I do. Then he cries. Oh save it, Sheila.
He’s doing Whitney and does his bedroom eyes at me. Simon scowls back at him. Ha! His tone is again hoarse and girly, garbled. Leona was so much better. Duh. I know that goes without saying but I’m concerned no one’s ever said this to Simon. That Danyl was never going to be a worldwide success like Leona because he’s not very good. The performance is very 90s. It’s almost as if you’re watching Peabo Bryson or Luther Vandross.
The judges rave though Simon is still angry that Danyl’s not getting enough credit. I think Simon’s angry that Simon’s not getting enough credit. Danyl claims he’s his own worst critic. Girlfriend clearly hasn’t read my blog.
3. STACEY – ‘Four little words just to get me along’
Stacey’s first VT removes any references to Stacey being called a wedding singer. The X Factor is like that film The Forgotten: people and things are quickly erased from history. Then if you say ‘Simon called her a wedding singer’ people think you’re mad and you look as sad as Julianne Moore did and then yell ‘I’m not crazy.’ We see Stacey’s audition and remember how good she used to be when she sang and didn’t yell.
She’s doing a weird Buble cover of The Way You Make Me Feel. She awkwardly whores around on some chairs as if she’s an Olly Murs backing dancer. Her attempts to be sexy are as unsuccessful as on movie night. She’s sharp too and this doesn’t get any better when a tinny, but more conventional, backing track kicks in. The whole thing is flat and weird. Oh and she’s wearing no trousers and a Trilby hat. It’s like someone wearing a Tee and a scarf. Are you hot or cold? Make up your mind. Then some strange men in vests ‘get involved.’
Louis Walsh speaks the truth and says it was rubbish. Cheryl continues her Stacey pity praise and calls her a Yummy Mummy. Simon says it was affected and gimmicky and silly. And then some.
The second VT is dull and earnest. As is her song. It’s Somewhere from West Side Story, which I was forced to hear Rhydian do in three different (but ultimately identical) ways. Dannii really is desperate to make Stacey popera isn’t she? Shame Stacey’s more of a Norah Jones, best-when-barely-singing type. The verses are lovely in the way Norah Jones song are lovely. The tone is soft and intimate. Then the power notes begin and it’s working too. Is Stacey on the verge of her first great performance? Is she? Has she learned anything? No because she starts screaming and looks rough as when she does. She totally spoils it.
4. OLLY – ‘Shut your mouth because your shit might show’
On Olly’s VT we are told Olly is hardworking, likable and talented by Simon. I’m not sure telling us is enough. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen enough evidence to the contrary. His gut, for example, makes me think he’s naturally slothful. Olly has the unfugging bright lighting. Oh and when a judge say he’s ‘got the whole package’ we see that clip of him ripping his shirt open. Bravo, editors, bravo.
He’s doing Can You Feel It and sounds baaaaad. It’s like Lloyd is singing. His voice is weirdly deep and quaky. I wish so much he was doing Feel It by The Tamperer or at least some sort of bootleg like Jedward did on Queen week. And that we were shown in graphic detail what Olly would look like with a chimney on him because an actual chimney was dropped onto his fat head.
The judges love it and I don’t think they’re pretending. They want him in the final. I wrote in my notes that everyone but Danyl would be told this and I was right for round 1.
VT two wheels out the parents and the appropriately butch best mate. He says singing means evryfink to him. If only enunciation meant as much.
He looks absolutely furious when he sings. Maybe he thinks he’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting again. He’s doing the soul funk version of We Can Work It Out that nobody likes. That’s his third Beatles cover? Or fourth? He’s almost as bad as Leon doing a Buble song every week. Then there’s a stupid dance breakdown. It is no better than the singing but is a welcome relief from this singing. Then he kind of squats and crouches – it’s not dancing in a traditional, accurate sense of the word. It’s just a bit weird. The plus side is there are cool mirrors on stage which means we can see dozens of morons embarrassing themselves rather than just on the usual one.
Louis Walsh says it wasn’t a very well known song. I despair. Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One! I wish I didn’t already own it.
1. It is Michael Jackson week
This is a recycled theme that I’m not too happy about. Remember last year when Austin was the only good one that week? And when B.S.Ruth was so boring she ended up in the bottom two and had to unleash her Purple Rain? Simon specifies that 150% is required of the semi-finalists, which is a tough number to reach. This year’s MJ week is very different because this year Michael is a beloved and dead person and not a bankrupt and living person. Simon does the weirdest eulogy ever and poor old Janet has to be called Michael’s sister every time she’s mentioned. She also doesn’t get an interview after her results show performance and charmingly runs off the stage when Dermot gets on with the results business and the lights dim. Oh and her thunder is really stolen by Lady Gaga. Janet dancing maniacally and ‘sexily’ just can’t compare to the below.
2. I would not want to meet Lady Gaga
She performs her “unusual” song in a bathtub full of zombies. She also sings with less help than Stacey’s had in months. She’s dressed as a lego zombie though so it’s hard to take her too seriously. Oh and she yells ‘sing it X Factor’ with murderous intent. And also yells that she’s a ‘freak bitch, baby.’ I believe her, baby. The best bit is when Dermot interviews her while she’s in a bathtub full of zombies. This whole five minutes far surpasses Jedward’s entire run on the WTF meter.
3. Ding dong, the witch is dead!
I think this is the first Wizard of Oz gag I’ve made about the none-more-gayer Danyl. He hasn’t been the worst for weeks so there’s a vague sense he didn’t deserve to go but also great relief as he’s a tool.
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk’
Joe’s VT is an unfortunate reminder of how weird Joe used to look and sound. We also see cute baby pictures where he seems to be wearing a sari. I guess it’s dress up but it’s still weird. Simon speaks of Joe’s tone and how he’s almost note perfect. (Yet Simon insists that friend of Dorothy Danyl is the best singer. Why?) The VT backing music is beyond creepy. It sounds like it’s from a Disney remake of Battle Royale. It has menace and schmaltz in equal measure.
He’s singing She’s Out of My Life. She? Really? It should be clear whether Joe’s going to laugh or cry. Or live or die. Until Joe kind of starts crying. Again, just like his Elton number last week, this is exactly what Danyl wanted to do with Careless Whisper but failed in the eyes of many. To creep people out in a good way. Cheryl calls it ‘chilling’ which I’m not convinced is a compliment on Saturday night TV but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Joe’s second VT is a ‘Meet the Parents’ affair. Except without the slapstick: it’s just the schmaltz and the meeting of parents. Joe’s Gran and Dad have such strong Geordie accents that they sound stoned. Oh and the scary VT music is back.
Joe’s doing Open Arms by Journey, or Mariah if you prefer. Ha! There are purple strobe lights and falling fireworks. It’s not his best but it does make me want to listen to Open Arms. I don’t write down what the judges say but it should be obvious they are complimentary.
2. DANYL – ‘I’m asking him to change his ways’
Danyl can’t believe he’s still in the competition. This is just what Lloyd said the week before. And both times I wrote ‘Nor I’ in my notes. That tinge of self-awareness in contestants is clearly the kiss of death for them. He promises in his VT he will give everything. Which is clearly less than the 150% Simon specified. No wonder Danyl was voted off.
He’s singing Man in the Mirror and sounds very hoarse and nasal. Simon covers his mouth in disgust. Then a polar bear appears on the screen. What? Then there’s a choir – sadly not of kids this week. This is a choir of adults, one of which looks exactly like Alexandra Burke.
Louis Walsh is bemused by the polar bear and hilariously and acutely asks if Simon thought he was doing Earth Song. Louis is the sharpest judge on the panel. I have written it. It is so. Cheryl says Danyl gave 110%. Again, this is 40% too little.
Danyl’s second VT features his Mum. His Mum says Danyl is such a giving person. I always assumed he was a taker but I admit his Mum knows him better than I do. Then he cries. Oh save it, Sheila.
He’s doing Whitney and does his bedroom eyes at me. Simon scowls back at him. Ha! His tone is again hoarse and girly, garbled. Leona was so much better. Duh. I know that goes without saying but I’m concerned no one’s ever said this to Simon. That Danyl was never going to be a worldwide success like Leona because he’s not very good. The performance is very 90s. It’s almost as if you’re watching Peabo Bryson or Luther Vandross.
The judges rave though Simon is still angry that Danyl’s not getting enough credit. I think Simon’s angry that Simon’s not getting enough credit. Danyl claims he’s his own worst critic. Girlfriend clearly hasn’t read my blog.
3. STACEY – ‘Four little words just to get me along’
Stacey’s first VT removes any references to Stacey being called a wedding singer. The X Factor is like that film The Forgotten: people and things are quickly erased from history. Then if you say ‘Simon called her a wedding singer’ people think you’re mad and you look as sad as Julianne Moore did and then yell ‘I’m not crazy.’ We see Stacey’s audition and remember how good she used to be when she sang and didn’t yell.
She’s doing a weird Buble cover of The Way You Make Me Feel. She awkwardly whores around on some chairs as if she’s an Olly Murs backing dancer. Her attempts to be sexy are as unsuccessful as on movie night. She’s sharp too and this doesn’t get any better when a tinny, but more conventional, backing track kicks in. The whole thing is flat and weird. Oh and she’s wearing no trousers and a Trilby hat. It’s like someone wearing a Tee and a scarf. Are you hot or cold? Make up your mind. Then some strange men in vests ‘get involved.’
Louis Walsh speaks the truth and says it was rubbish. Cheryl continues her Stacey pity praise and calls her a Yummy Mummy. Simon says it was affected and gimmicky and silly. And then some.
The second VT is dull and earnest. As is her song. It’s Somewhere from West Side Story, which I was forced to hear Rhydian do in three different (but ultimately identical) ways. Dannii really is desperate to make Stacey popera isn’t she? Shame Stacey’s more of a Norah Jones, best-when-barely-singing type. The verses are lovely in the way Norah Jones song are lovely. The tone is soft and intimate. Then the power notes begin and it’s working too. Is Stacey on the verge of her first great performance? Is she? Has she learned anything? No because she starts screaming and looks rough as when she does. She totally spoils it.
4. OLLY – ‘Shut your mouth because your shit might show’
On Olly’s VT we are told Olly is hardworking, likable and talented by Simon. I’m not sure telling us is enough. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen enough evidence to the contrary. His gut, for example, makes me think he’s naturally slothful. Olly has the unfugging bright lighting. Oh and when a judge say he’s ‘got the whole package’ we see that clip of him ripping his shirt open. Bravo, editors, bravo.
He’s doing Can You Feel It and sounds baaaaad. It’s like Lloyd is singing. His voice is weirdly deep and quaky. I wish so much he was doing Feel It by The Tamperer or at least some sort of bootleg like Jedward did on Queen week. And that we were shown in graphic detail what Olly would look like with a chimney on him because an actual chimney was dropped onto his fat head.
The judges love it and I don’t think they’re pretending. They want him in the final. I wrote in my notes that everyone but Danyl would be told this and I was right for round 1.
VT two wheels out the parents and the appropriately butch best mate. He says singing means evryfink to him. If only enunciation meant as much.
He looks absolutely furious when he sings. Maybe he thinks he’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting again. He’s doing the soul funk version of We Can Work It Out that nobody likes. That’s his third Beatles cover? Or fourth? He’s almost as bad as Leon doing a Buble song every week. Then there’s a stupid dance breakdown. It is no better than the singing but is a welcome relief from this singing. Then he kind of squats and crouches – it’s not dancing in a traditional, accurate sense of the word. It’s just a bit weird. The plus side is there are cool mirrors on stage which means we can see dozens of morons embarrassing themselves rather than just on the usual one.
Louis Walsh says it wasn’t a very well known song. I despair. Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One! I wish I didn’t already own it.
Thex Factor – Ugly Pianist Week – ‘Saturday, Saturday, Saturday’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Ugly Pianist week
I can think of no other reason for making it both Elton John and Take That week. And for having Alicia Keys on. (Oh Snap!) GB Gary Barlow and Sir Elton Hercules John look a little similar too. Alicia Keys did a strange, patched together medley and won Dermot’s praise for not just plugging her new single. Alicia Keys looks so pretty (when she’s not singing) that I feel guilty about calling her ugly three sentences ago. Rihanna scares the hell out of people – presumably because Jedward weren’t there doing the same – by nuzzling against a white fur stole and singing about shooting people. She covered similar lyrical and sonic ground with Unfaithful and was decidedly less scary then.
2. I have not drunk all weekend and made ice cream
It made the X Factor far less interesting, as did the lack of the twins. I wanted so badly to drink my troubles away and watch those Irish twins prance and parade around and have silly hair. But my acute self-awareness, and the public’s cruelty last week, meant this could not be. Sober and twinless, this week’s live show was about as fun as plucking dick hairs with flimsy tweezers. Danyl was the funniest thing. Twice.
3. We've moved
And isn't it lovely here? The kitchen is new. The lintels are solid. I could really have some fun at this new address. Toga parties, the lot. Come visit thexfactorrankblog.blogspot.com often.
On with the rankings…
1. JOE – ‘Do. What. U. Like’
Lovable Geordie Joe minces to the top of the rankings for the first time with his own brand of pop covers made musical theatre. Well done him.
On his first VT, like all the others, we see him finding out his gash charity cover single is #1 and it makes him warmly imagine making #1 with his own gash Christmas cover single. Not long for him to wait. Joe does win some cool points for being excited to beat the Black Eyed Peas to #1 and for having some awareness of current yoot music. Simon snits that his Take That song choice is a little too obvious. He looks very smug as he says this (even though he’s given this song to one of his acts as recently as last year). Joe promises to give the performance ‘of me life.’ Why can’t he say ‘of my life?’ It’s annoying.
He does not give the performance of his life but his ‘Could It Be Magic?’ is sung well. There’s a strange shimmying around a picture frame dance routine but it can’t distract from how end of the gay pier this is. I like Joe but he needs to butch up fast. The judges are full of praise not just for Joe but for the whole spectacle. Choreographer to the stars Brian and the conductor are both thanked but the canteen woman is sadly missed out.
Joe’s second song is a redo (boo!) and another safe choice (the shame!) according to his second VT. It is worth noting that this is another song Simon gave Leona. The writing is on the toilet wall, people.
Joe’s Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word requires few apologies as it’s really very good. It’s quite dark and sparse, the way Danyl’s performance last week would have been if he chilled out. It’s quite wimpy then yelly which I suppose is meant to be a crescendo. There’s some arsing around with his mic which is meant to be dramatic but reads more as dramafag.
Joe forgets to smile during much of his very positive critique. Simon is gobsmacked and says Joe was a boy and is now a man. Simon says it was beautiful. Errr. Well gay. Cheryl says she is proud to be a Geordie because of Joe. No one is proud to be Welsh because of Lloyd.
2. DANYL – ‘I want love, but a different kind’
On Danyl’s VT we learn he’s going to dance at last and that his dance is very difficult. In fact it’s his hardest routine ever. Out of the 1 he’s done. Cheryl doubts he can both sing and dance at once, presumably because he’s failed to do either on so many past occasions. He’s a dance teacher so I had faith he’ll be fine.
Then I was proved wrong in the most wonderful way I could have imagined. He’s doing Relight My Fire and you just know he had to be stopped with force from dressing up like Lulu. He’s wearing a shirt cut to show man cleavage and his voice grates as much as ever. He dances like such a faggot. There is arm pointing and crotch thrusting and a sort of hula bit and grinding against no one. It’s like he’s the only one in the village and there’s no one to say ‘princess, you don’t have to dance like that. It’s not in the gay by-laws.’ At one point, I fear he will break into the YMCA. I don’t understand why he’s paid to teach people how to dance if this is his best. If all he can do is fag around and shake his dick at dancers, I dread to think what routines he gives the little ones to try.
Danyl claps for his dancers when he’s done in order to appear humble. Louis likes the gay club dancing even though we must assume he’s seen far better. Cheryl says it was camp as Christmas and liked it because she likes her queers flaming. I wish she wouldn’t compare that abomination to the birth of our Lord. And, to avoid offense, I must stress when I say abomination I mean Danyl.
Danyl’s second VT has repeated footage of him shouting at Yvie. Officially it’s him rehearsing his song but I want to make clear he is shouting and not singing. Simon helpfully tells us that if Danyl sings well he may stay in the competition. I’m not sure what I find more unpleasant: Simon’s love for the tautology or Danyl’s screaming.
Danyl wears an AIDS ribbon and performs with the same subtlety of that syndrome. He’s doing Your Song and begins the performance by screaming at us. I realise during this performance who Danyl reminds me of when he sings. It’s Shirley Bassey in Rock Profile. Champagne! Champagne for everyone! I’m glad to have sorted that out in my head. I think if he listened to more Dylan and less Bassey, he’d sing a lot better. And also dance butcher and act less toolish. I laugh audibly when a children’s choir come on stage. Simon is desperate to keep this cunt in the show, isn’t he? Danyl should be safe this week: at least a million grannies will vote for the nice choir. In Danyl’s defense, the singing greatly improved towards the end.
Louis quite rightly calls bullshit about the choir and says this is a gimmick too far. Dannii is nice and Danyl says ‘thanks, babe’ back to her. Eww. He’s so slimy. Cheryl gives him a Standing O and then gets some sense back and concludes it was ‘good.’ Simon says it was sensational and says Louis is a scrooge for criticising the choir / criticising Simon’s ridiculous tactics. Why must they bring up Christmas like this when discussing this cocksore?
3. STACEY – ‘Well it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind’
Stacey’s VT is gaspy and her dizzy bit is wearing thin but there are some bright patches. She acknowledges that she was overpraised this week and uses the word ‘womanly.’ She says it in her posh voice she uses to sound silly and ‘likable’ and it works for once. Damn you, Solomon! You've charmed me again!
She’s doing Rule The World and the verses are so gorgeous and subtle it makes me like a song I’ve hated for years. The backing vocals kick in and help her out a lot: it feels like a massive cheat. She starts screaming as is de rigeur this year. (How I long for the pleasant wailing that we got every show last year!) There’s a popera feel for the performance that works but the graphics behind her look very weird. I think it’s meant to be a star but it looks like a sun made out of honey. I write in my notes ‘that was good tho’ but I’m not fussed about it after the fact. A bit too much screaming for my taste.
Stacey tells us on her VT she loves her second song but is worried about lying down during her performance. Christ, first there was walking, then lusting, now she’s worrying about lying down. What other basic functions frighten her so? Simon rightly worries all her performances sound the same and that she’s a wedding singer. This is fair but kind of new. He has been ‘bumming’ her performances for weeks because the script has called for him to keep the last woman in for a bit longer. Why voice these doubts now when nothing’s changed?
She looks like a wedding singer and doesn’t sound great. She’s doing the song that was Candle In The Wind’s B-side (and that Elton puts on all his compilations and pretends people like and that didn’t just happen to be on the same bit of plastic that people felt they had to buy because of a strange, mass hysteria that we pretended was grief.) Gosh, that was a long sentence. It would have been quicker, though far less descriptive, to say she’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Try and hum that song! I’ll give you a pound if you can. Stacey sings poorly here, whether lying down or standing up. She tries to shimmy and smile but it’s still like watching Bambi trying to skate. All her performances do sound the same.
Louis preferred Rule The World as did anyone with ears. Cheryl thought she looked uncomfortable and gives her pity praise using the words ‘under the circumstances’ to make clear it is pity praise. Simon says she’s unoriginal, not as good as Leona and a wedding singer. He offers the cold comfort that at least her other song was good.
4. OLLY – ‘B-b-b-bennie and the Jets’
Olly is being given a lesser-known Take That song that is apparently one of Simon’s favourites. Or, it’s a song he’d never heard before Beautiful, Spanish Ruth SMASHED it last year.
He starts by serenading a horsey woman in the audience. She looks uncomfortable, possibly because Olly’s mole is throbbing. It goes on and on as is boring. The song, not the mole. And, like Danyl’s Purple Rain, it only serves to remind you how much better Beautiful, Spanish Ruth or half of last year’s lot were than these dicks. Compare Laura doing God Bless The Child, Diana trying U2 or Alexandra shaking violently to Hallelujah to any of this year’s performances and it’s like you’re watching a different show now. A show that’s only shown on freeview at two in the morning. Whoever wins this year will be a Leon or a Steve.
The crowd chants because they liked Leon or Steve until they were written out of history. Louis wants Olly in the final three though Dannii feared he had dead eyes. Cheryl liked hearing him sing for once and not "dance." I did not.
Simon makes me like him briefly when he says in VT two, Olly’s got ‘the only butch Elton John song.’ Ha! Olly is dressed like a lumberjack in this VT and his hair is inexplicable.
He’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting because this show glorifies thuggery. Look at its princess. There are slutty women wearing boxer’s robes and carrying cardboard boxing round signs. That’s quite a visual conceit. Well done Brian and show! I can’t get over how inappropriate this song is for family entertainment and how crazed Olly looks. The singing becomes a footnote.
Louis says there was something missing but earns the season’s largest single award of cool points by saying he likes the ‘funny dancing.’ There are lame boxing puns from the women and then Simon speaks methodically and scientifically of Olly giving between 10 and 20% extra. Simon makes Maths such fun, he should become a teacher. If Olly is in a rowboat going 20 miles a hour, giving 110%, what is the probability he will dance poorly? 100%
5. LLOYD – ‘I wanna be the main event, like no King was before’
On Lloyd’s VT he wonders why he’s still in the competition. He is not alone. Lloyd in the final five? Really? He looks ridiculously fit now it has to be said. When he’s being fed lines for his VT that is.
When he has to fend for himself, it all goes wrong. He’s doing A Million Love Songs and his voice is – well, I don’t like his voice. Suffice to say, he’s flat and sounds odd. Strange and strained. I thought the song choice might be enough to keep him in as it’s the perfect song to get pubescent girls voting.
Louis says it wasn’t great but was better. Dannii is styled like she’s on her way to a toga party. Or a Grecian orgy. It’s very weird. I think she has olive branches in her hair. Simon says he ‘sang it okay.’ Simon seems bored even discussing it.
Thanks to Lloyd’s second VT, we learn he’s scared of heights. He really is a wet lettuce, isn’t he? He has to be lifted all of three feet in the air for his routine and shrieks every time this is rehearsed. Louis makes an awesome gag about how Lloyd is never going to be famous.
He’s doing I’m Still Standing which is the nearest thing to a diss Lloyd is capable of. He is flat, again, but looks fit, again. There is a lot of nonsense with canes. The vocals become painfully bad during the choruses. He attempts a falsetto flourishe and gulps like a drunk instead. It’s over for him Saturday night. And then he goes home the next day. He gets the fewest votes and is the worst singer so there’s no arguments here. Or to put it more childishly: too bad, so sad, that we got to see you with fit hair, we are glad.
1. It is Ugly Pianist week
I can think of no other reason for making it both Elton John and Take That week. And for having Alicia Keys on. (Oh Snap!) GB Gary Barlow and Sir Elton Hercules John look a little similar too. Alicia Keys did a strange, patched together medley and won Dermot’s praise for not just plugging her new single. Alicia Keys looks so pretty (when she’s not singing) that I feel guilty about calling her ugly three sentences ago. Rihanna scares the hell out of people – presumably because Jedward weren’t there doing the same – by nuzzling against a white fur stole and singing about shooting people. She covered similar lyrical and sonic ground with Unfaithful and was decidedly less scary then.
2. I have not drunk all weekend and made ice cream
It made the X Factor far less interesting, as did the lack of the twins. I wanted so badly to drink my troubles away and watch those Irish twins prance and parade around and have silly hair. But my acute self-awareness, and the public’s cruelty last week, meant this could not be. Sober and twinless, this week’s live show was about as fun as plucking dick hairs with flimsy tweezers. Danyl was the funniest thing. Twice.
3. We've moved
And isn't it lovely here? The kitchen is new. The lintels are solid. I could really have some fun at this new address. Toga parties, the lot. Come visit thexfactorrankblog.blogspot.com often.
On with the rankings…
1. JOE – ‘Do. What. U. Like’
Lovable Geordie Joe minces to the top of the rankings for the first time with his own brand of pop covers made musical theatre. Well done him.
On his first VT, like all the others, we see him finding out his gash charity cover single is #1 and it makes him warmly imagine making #1 with his own gash Christmas cover single. Not long for him to wait. Joe does win some cool points for being excited to beat the Black Eyed Peas to #1 and for having some awareness of current yoot music. Simon snits that his Take That song choice is a little too obvious. He looks very smug as he says this (even though he’s given this song to one of his acts as recently as last year). Joe promises to give the performance ‘of me life.’ Why can’t he say ‘of my life?’ It’s annoying.
He does not give the performance of his life but his ‘Could It Be Magic?’ is sung well. There’s a strange shimmying around a picture frame dance routine but it can’t distract from how end of the gay pier this is. I like Joe but he needs to butch up fast. The judges are full of praise not just for Joe but for the whole spectacle. Choreographer to the stars Brian and the conductor are both thanked but the canteen woman is sadly missed out.
Joe’s second song is a redo (boo!) and another safe choice (the shame!) according to his second VT. It is worth noting that this is another song Simon gave Leona. The writing is on the toilet wall, people.
Joe’s Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word requires few apologies as it’s really very good. It’s quite dark and sparse, the way Danyl’s performance last week would have been if he chilled out. It’s quite wimpy then yelly which I suppose is meant to be a crescendo. There’s some arsing around with his mic which is meant to be dramatic but reads more as dramafag.
Joe forgets to smile during much of his very positive critique. Simon is gobsmacked and says Joe was a boy and is now a man. Simon says it was beautiful. Errr. Well gay. Cheryl says she is proud to be a Geordie because of Joe. No one is proud to be Welsh because of Lloyd.
2. DANYL – ‘I want love, but a different kind’
On Danyl’s VT we learn he’s going to dance at last and that his dance is very difficult. In fact it’s his hardest routine ever. Out of the 1 he’s done. Cheryl doubts he can both sing and dance at once, presumably because he’s failed to do either on so many past occasions. He’s a dance teacher so I had faith he’ll be fine.
Then I was proved wrong in the most wonderful way I could have imagined. He’s doing Relight My Fire and you just know he had to be stopped with force from dressing up like Lulu. He’s wearing a shirt cut to show man cleavage and his voice grates as much as ever. He dances like such a faggot. There is arm pointing and crotch thrusting and a sort of hula bit and grinding against no one. It’s like he’s the only one in the village and there’s no one to say ‘princess, you don’t have to dance like that. It’s not in the gay by-laws.’ At one point, I fear he will break into the YMCA. I don’t understand why he’s paid to teach people how to dance if this is his best. If all he can do is fag around and shake his dick at dancers, I dread to think what routines he gives the little ones to try.
Danyl claps for his dancers when he’s done in order to appear humble. Louis likes the gay club dancing even though we must assume he’s seen far better. Cheryl says it was camp as Christmas and liked it because she likes her queers flaming. I wish she wouldn’t compare that abomination to the birth of our Lord. And, to avoid offense, I must stress when I say abomination I mean Danyl.
Danyl’s second VT has repeated footage of him shouting at Yvie. Officially it’s him rehearsing his song but I want to make clear he is shouting and not singing. Simon helpfully tells us that if Danyl sings well he may stay in the competition. I’m not sure what I find more unpleasant: Simon’s love for the tautology or Danyl’s screaming.
Danyl wears an AIDS ribbon and performs with the same subtlety of that syndrome. He’s doing Your Song and begins the performance by screaming at us. I realise during this performance who Danyl reminds me of when he sings. It’s Shirley Bassey in Rock Profile. Champagne! Champagne for everyone! I’m glad to have sorted that out in my head. I think if he listened to more Dylan and less Bassey, he’d sing a lot better. And also dance butcher and act less toolish. I laugh audibly when a children’s choir come on stage. Simon is desperate to keep this cunt in the show, isn’t he? Danyl should be safe this week: at least a million grannies will vote for the nice choir. In Danyl’s defense, the singing greatly improved towards the end.
Louis quite rightly calls bullshit about the choir and says this is a gimmick too far. Dannii is nice and Danyl says ‘thanks, babe’ back to her. Eww. He’s so slimy. Cheryl gives him a Standing O and then gets some sense back and concludes it was ‘good.’ Simon says it was sensational and says Louis is a scrooge for criticising the choir / criticising Simon’s ridiculous tactics. Why must they bring up Christmas like this when discussing this cocksore?
3. STACEY – ‘Well it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind’
Stacey’s VT is gaspy and her dizzy bit is wearing thin but there are some bright patches. She acknowledges that she was overpraised this week and uses the word ‘womanly.’ She says it in her posh voice she uses to sound silly and ‘likable’ and it works for once. Damn you, Solomon! You've charmed me again!
She’s doing Rule The World and the verses are so gorgeous and subtle it makes me like a song I’ve hated for years. The backing vocals kick in and help her out a lot: it feels like a massive cheat. She starts screaming as is de rigeur this year. (How I long for the pleasant wailing that we got every show last year!) There’s a popera feel for the performance that works but the graphics behind her look very weird. I think it’s meant to be a star but it looks like a sun made out of honey. I write in my notes ‘that was good tho’ but I’m not fussed about it after the fact. A bit too much screaming for my taste.
Stacey tells us on her VT she loves her second song but is worried about lying down during her performance. Christ, first there was walking, then lusting, now she’s worrying about lying down. What other basic functions frighten her so? Simon rightly worries all her performances sound the same and that she’s a wedding singer. This is fair but kind of new. He has been ‘bumming’ her performances for weeks because the script has called for him to keep the last woman in for a bit longer. Why voice these doubts now when nothing’s changed?
She looks like a wedding singer and doesn’t sound great. She’s doing the song that was Candle In The Wind’s B-side (and that Elton puts on all his compilations and pretends people like and that didn’t just happen to be on the same bit of plastic that people felt they had to buy because of a strange, mass hysteria that we pretended was grief.) Gosh, that was a long sentence. It would have been quicker, though far less descriptive, to say she’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Try and hum that song! I’ll give you a pound if you can. Stacey sings poorly here, whether lying down or standing up. She tries to shimmy and smile but it’s still like watching Bambi trying to skate. All her performances do sound the same.
Louis preferred Rule The World as did anyone with ears. Cheryl thought she looked uncomfortable and gives her pity praise using the words ‘under the circumstances’ to make clear it is pity praise. Simon says she’s unoriginal, not as good as Leona and a wedding singer. He offers the cold comfort that at least her other song was good.
4. OLLY – ‘B-b-b-bennie and the Jets’
Olly is being given a lesser-known Take That song that is apparently one of Simon’s favourites. Or, it’s a song he’d never heard before Beautiful, Spanish Ruth SMASHED it last year.
He starts by serenading a horsey woman in the audience. She looks uncomfortable, possibly because Olly’s mole is throbbing. It goes on and on as is boring. The song, not the mole. And, like Danyl’s Purple Rain, it only serves to remind you how much better Beautiful, Spanish Ruth or half of last year’s lot were than these dicks. Compare Laura doing God Bless The Child, Diana trying U2 or Alexandra shaking violently to Hallelujah to any of this year’s performances and it’s like you’re watching a different show now. A show that’s only shown on freeview at two in the morning. Whoever wins this year will be a Leon or a Steve.
The crowd chants because they liked Leon or Steve until they were written out of history. Louis wants Olly in the final three though Dannii feared he had dead eyes. Cheryl liked hearing him sing for once and not "dance." I did not.
Simon makes me like him briefly when he says in VT two, Olly’s got ‘the only butch Elton John song.’ Ha! Olly is dressed like a lumberjack in this VT and his hair is inexplicable.
He’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting because this show glorifies thuggery. Look at its princess. There are slutty women wearing boxer’s robes and carrying cardboard boxing round signs. That’s quite a visual conceit. Well done Brian and show! I can’t get over how inappropriate this song is for family entertainment and how crazed Olly looks. The singing becomes a footnote.
Louis says there was something missing but earns the season’s largest single award of cool points by saying he likes the ‘funny dancing.’ There are lame boxing puns from the women and then Simon speaks methodically and scientifically of Olly giving between 10 and 20% extra. Simon makes Maths such fun, he should become a teacher. If Olly is in a rowboat going 20 miles a hour, giving 110%, what is the probability he will dance poorly? 100%
5. LLOYD – ‘I wanna be the main event, like no King was before’
On Lloyd’s VT he wonders why he’s still in the competition. He is not alone. Lloyd in the final five? Really? He looks ridiculously fit now it has to be said. When he’s being fed lines for his VT that is.
When he has to fend for himself, it all goes wrong. He’s doing A Million Love Songs and his voice is – well, I don’t like his voice. Suffice to say, he’s flat and sounds odd. Strange and strained. I thought the song choice might be enough to keep him in as it’s the perfect song to get pubescent girls voting.
Louis says it wasn’t great but was better. Dannii is styled like she’s on her way to a toga party. Or a Grecian orgy. It’s very weird. I think she has olive branches in her hair. Simon says he ‘sang it okay.’ Simon seems bored even discussing it.
Thanks to Lloyd’s second VT, we learn he’s scared of heights. He really is a wet lettuce, isn’t he? He has to be lifted all of three feet in the air for his routine and shrieks every time this is rehearsed. Louis makes an awesome gag about how Lloyd is never going to be famous.
He’s doing I’m Still Standing which is the nearest thing to a diss Lloyd is capable of. He is flat, again, but looks fit, again. There is a lot of nonsense with canes. The vocals become painfully bad during the choruses. He attempts a falsetto flourishe and gulps like a drunk instead. It’s over for him Saturday night. And then he goes home the next day. He gets the fewest votes and is the worst singer so there’s no arguments here. Or to put it more childishly: too bad, so sad, that we got to see you with fit hair, we are glad.
Saturday 28 November 2009
"is it morally acceptable for public to make fun of jedward?"
Someone got my blog after googling the above. I hope they find an answer somewhere. I also hope the person who searched for "john and edward grimes wank each other off" finds peace.
Monday 23 November 2009
Thex Factor – George Michael week – ‘I’m gonna shoot the dog’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is George Michael week
Except without George Michael mentoring, or singing. Weird. I suppose they’ve already had a diva week which would be a logical theme when Mariah and SuBo (who were both awesome) are on. And I’m not complaining as this week’s theme gives me so very many opportunities to make fun of Danyl’s abhorrent lifestyle. That’s if I can control my nausea.
2. The X Factor is not a singing competition
And it never has been. People are going on about this because of John & Edward. Forgetting that Lloyd and Olly really aren’t that much better and that most of the world’s most successful pop artists (Britney, Mariah, Kylie) don’t prioritise vocals. The X Factor is a circus. Sometimes, it’s a wonderful circus full of talented people like Leona and Alex: the amazing horsewoman and the bearded tranny. Even though the right people won those years, it was still a circus. Sometimes, it’s a circus clown show with John & Edward getting bummed by dancers to Ricky Martin or Rhydian doing Shirley Bassey in chinchilla fur. And that’s fun too. There would be nothing more boring than a straight singing competition: hearing Stacey bleat and Danyl scream is fun for no one. A straight singing competition would have them do ballads every week, with no dancers whorish or otherwise, and showing off every run and hackneyed gulp. Viva la circus! And leave John and Edward alone, spoilsports.
On with the rankings…
1. DANYL – ‘I know you want to but you can’t say yes’
Morally deformed and anally ravaged contestant Danyl is introduced by Simon with the lovely praise ‘no frills.’ I think Simon means it as a compliment sort of but still: ha! Danyl is so the Basics Range of Diva. In his VT, he has a very spotty forehead. Has this always been the case? Maybe I’ve been too focused on his irritating voice and pancake eyes to tell. Danyl promises in a car on his way home that the trip will give him a chance ‘to be normal.’ Oh Danyl, it’s not a magic car. Going back to Reading won’t stop you from being deviant and kind of a tosser. We meet his “housemate” and a lot of other men he lives with. Well then. We learn Danyl’s doing a song everyone knows and this could be a problem.
Except I don’t recognise it for a good twenty seconds because it’s been stripped of the backing and of any melody. He’s doing Careless Whisper with just a repeated piano note, kind of like a metronome but less grating, as backing. The singing is pretty great and that twang is a lot less noticeable. He screams twice which is a welcome change from the usual one long scream. He manages to shove a lot of words into a tiny space. It’s a little scary but it’s impressive. Funereal and weird. Butch but soft. Subtle and ridiculous. I loathe Danyl and everything he stands for but he was easily the best on Saturday night.
Dannii loved it (but doesn’t share her wishes he’d done Outside). Louis says he was trying too hard, which is true but hard to accept from the man giving John & Edward ghosts to bust on stage. Cheryl said he was flat and the bare performance made this worse. Simon snits and doesn’t understand how that was trying too hard. Because Simon doesn’t understand musical nuance. Sometimes singing ‘unplugged’ is trying too hard when you oversing like that fairy does and when you’re desperately trying to make a point. There is mention of the recent press rumours that Danyl not only lives for cock but is one. These rumours are not strongly denied by anyone.
2. LLOYD – ‘Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body’
Lloyd is on first because everyone’s clearly given up on him. His VT also skips his very good Paolo Nutini cover. (Oh I would shave my area with a blunt razor to hear someone cover Pencil Full of Lead!) Lloyd’s visit home features both mountains and word art banners in corner shops. I love Wales. Lloyd is stopped by about two people and is amazed that being followed around by cameras attracts attention. They won’t be coming up to him in January. His family are lovely and Welsh just like we’ve been shown in Gavin & Stacey. His song this week may be tricky as he’ll have to breathe! Yvie is concerned. He promises to sing ‘harder’ than ever though I think we’d all settle for ‘better.’
And he’s doing Faith. Ha! I once sung this at Christian summer camp and forgot the words and in a very real but unintentional way profaned a Church. Fun times. Lloyd’s hair looks awesome and he is now ridiculously hot. A career in twink porn beckons and all it took was some wax! Moley fathead Olly Murs is no longer the hottie of this competition and I must say this is a relief. The singing is good, and not just relatively. There is an impressive and only slightly silly falsetto bit at the end. But it works as a little final flourish, unlike Danyl’s scream which is boring and gets in the way. Lloyd is learning the trick behind X Factor: putting slightly silly notes in almost silly places! He also moves around the stage like he’s not hating every minute.
Dannii says he looks fantastic and Louis too loves the new hair. He doesn’t like his voice and repeats Lloyd is out of his depth. Simon says it was ‘not bad’ and that Lloyd ‘stepped up.’ Cheryl says it was his ‘best comfortable performance.’ As opposed to his other great uncomfortable performances? Shush Cheryl and well done Lloyd. If this contest was about hair and inspiring homosexuals to wank, the trophy is yours. Or Jedward’s.
3. JOE – ‘Just too funky for me’
I feel bad ranking Joe lower than someone I hate and someone who can’t really sing but this is the case and we’ll all have to deal with it.
In his Joe’s VT he tells us he loves when Cheryl is rude and aggressive to the other judges. Is he a thug too? I hope he didn’t find that bathroom assault funny. ‘Oh that Cheryl. What you see is what you get. If she’s pissed to the gills and thinks a bathroom lady’s been rude to her, she’ll knock her out there and then!’ Etc. We also learn that his Granny will keep him grounded and has a very thick, terrifying accent. In his song there’s one note that Joe’s struggling with and that could spell disaster. Ok, when we’re worrying about one note that could go wrong one week, then we should be allowed to start voting Joe to win now. I worry weekly whether Olly or Stacey will hit any notes – or whether the wonderful Jedward are actually singing.
He’s doing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me which is boring and a bit obvious. The troublesome notes is either not in this final version or went fine because there are no issues whatsoever. It’s perfectly sung but we’ve come to expect this now. He gets the first standing ovation from all judges of this series.
Dannii loves the honesty and passion in his voice. Cheryl loves working with and watching Joe. Louis whines that it’s not a George Michael song and that Cheryl’s cheating. He’s taken this too far now: I agreed with him on lots of his other rulebreaks but this one seems capricious. Joe’s still never been in the bottom two and I think and hope he’ll win.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I watch you sinking all that cheap red wine’
Jedward’s VT features loads of clips of Calvin Harris rushing the stage. I’m surprised by how bad a dancer is, considering his livelihood depends on making others dance. Kevin, Jedward’s granddad, is the sweetest little man and looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. Simon is like Louis giving them too much to do and Louis is like nu uh because they practise more than anyone.
They are wearing Wham shirts and are doing I’m Your Man. Which then becomes Wham Rap (I think, there’s certainly some rapping) and then goes back to I’m Your Man. I saw the rap breakdown coming and it’s just not as sophisticated as their mashup last week. This week it’s just a medley and is very cheap. The crowd all cheer again, which is nice, but I thought this was a bit samey. Until Jedward show us they can sing (perhaps taking on Ave Maria during the final) my love for them is so dependent on them either surprising me or being a relief from the boredom. I think this week Danyl’s bizarre arrangement stole their thunder. Usually, I watch them and think it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
Dannii praises them for singing in tune and says it was fun. Cheryl says well done and Simon disses Andrew Ridgley. He wouldn’t dare do that if I was there with him. Both twins are smiling and it’s heartwarming. They’re looking good lately.
They don’t look so good when they’re in the bottom two. They look really pasty and like they’re about to cry. It’s very cruel that they still have to wear their Wham outfits from last night. They tackle No Matter What by Boyzone which has never been a good song. They are booed before, during and after and I think that accounts for a lot of the vocal problems. One gives up singing at one point. They keep singing the wrong lyrics over the other. They’re out of tune and out of time. It’s such a shame. They leave the show not with a celebratory, homoerotic bang but instead with an ashamed, unerotic whimper. They have made so many of these live shows bearable that I’m so sad they’re leaving. I suppose it’s to Joe now to fit that good singer/good person mould that Alexandra so butchly fit last year.
5. OLLY – ‘If you’re looking for fast love’
Then go to Olly. He’s quite clearly a one minute man. He is introduced as The Incredible Olly Murs, which annoys me. Though he looks like a pallid Incredible Hulk, he is not incredible. Nor is he credible as a recording artist or human being. He is a skidmark on entertainment’s gusset. On his VT this week Olly tells us his plans to be modern and sexy. Good luck with that!
He is doing FastLove which is an awesome but not remotely modern. There is nothing modern about mid 90s dance pop. He dances with women in black suits and brightly coloured torn pom poms. Perhaps Brian wants this dance routine to be a satire on women in the modern workplace? To his credit, Olly’s dancing is far less stupid than it has been in his previous weeks. And, he keeps his shirt on. He remains punchworthy and amateur when he mimes out the lyrics again. He does telephone fingers for ‘call’ and points to his head every time he sings ‘mind.’ I’ve seen “lads” do this in clubs. It’s only funny if you do it for every word, and if you do it to Pulp’s Disco 2000 and have to mime the word ‘woodchip.’
Dannii speaks of pitch problems but I doubt anyone cares. Louis says he’s not fake and Cheryl says he doesn’t complain about everything. Danyl’s ears don’t so much burn as set on fire here.
The judge’s praise is not enough to keep Olly from the bottom two. It’s reassuring he ended up there once. He’s doing Wonderful Tonight and it’s fine. Kind of like when he did She’s The One and it wasn’t bad but about a tenth as fun (and as praised) as the performance when he goons around with whorish dancers. It’s never in doubt he’ll stay in the contest but it does put another kink in Simon’s armour. Thank God. He’s been a dick this series. (Remember it was he who put in those horrible live auditions.)
6. STACEY – ‘Maybe we should all be praying for time’
In her VT, Stacey is happy and gaspy. She says if their charity single gets to #1, it would be ‘well cool.’ Her family trip is a bit of a damp squib as she already goes home every week to see her son. An Adele song is used in her VT which only makes me more frustrated that Stacey can’t sing as well as Adele. Also, Stacey is advised by a singing coach to cry on stage. Surely the producers should advise this and the singing coach should teach Stacey to sing better.
She’s doing I Can’t Make You Love Me which, to paraphrase Yvie, is a good song. When it’s good. It’s not good here. Stacey sounds shrill and very American. Like she’s Miss Wyoming and someone’s stolen the rabbit for her magic trick and she’s being asked to sing instead. This song was done so much better on Idol. Here it is shrill and flat and awkward. And, most damagingly, boring. Then it’s shouty and no less boring. She appears to be wearing what is either a Halloween costume or a 2.2 Fashion student’s dissertation.
Louis praises Dannii for an amazing song choice and avoids praising the way it was sung. The others are similarly vague (‘a little star,’ ‘elegant’ and ‘a winner’) as any criticism of that shocker would result in an all-male final five. Boo hiss, judges! I'm not friends with you anymore
1. It is George Michael week
Except without George Michael mentoring, or singing. Weird. I suppose they’ve already had a diva week which would be a logical theme when Mariah and SuBo (who were both awesome) are on. And I’m not complaining as this week’s theme gives me so very many opportunities to make fun of Danyl’s abhorrent lifestyle. That’s if I can control my nausea.
2. The X Factor is not a singing competition
And it never has been. People are going on about this because of John & Edward. Forgetting that Lloyd and Olly really aren’t that much better and that most of the world’s most successful pop artists (Britney, Mariah, Kylie) don’t prioritise vocals. The X Factor is a circus. Sometimes, it’s a wonderful circus full of talented people like Leona and Alex: the amazing horsewoman and the bearded tranny. Even though the right people won those years, it was still a circus. Sometimes, it’s a circus clown show with John & Edward getting bummed by dancers to Ricky Martin or Rhydian doing Shirley Bassey in chinchilla fur. And that’s fun too. There would be nothing more boring than a straight singing competition: hearing Stacey bleat and Danyl scream is fun for no one. A straight singing competition would have them do ballads every week, with no dancers whorish or otherwise, and showing off every run and hackneyed gulp. Viva la circus! And leave John and Edward alone, spoilsports.
On with the rankings…
1. DANYL – ‘I know you want to but you can’t say yes’
Morally deformed and anally ravaged contestant Danyl is introduced by Simon with the lovely praise ‘no frills.’ I think Simon means it as a compliment sort of but still: ha! Danyl is so the Basics Range of Diva. In his VT, he has a very spotty forehead. Has this always been the case? Maybe I’ve been too focused on his irritating voice and pancake eyes to tell. Danyl promises in a car on his way home that the trip will give him a chance ‘to be normal.’ Oh Danyl, it’s not a magic car. Going back to Reading won’t stop you from being deviant and kind of a tosser. We meet his “housemate” and a lot of other men he lives with. Well then. We learn Danyl’s doing a song everyone knows and this could be a problem.
Except I don’t recognise it for a good twenty seconds because it’s been stripped of the backing and of any melody. He’s doing Careless Whisper with just a repeated piano note, kind of like a metronome but less grating, as backing. The singing is pretty great and that twang is a lot less noticeable. He screams twice which is a welcome change from the usual one long scream. He manages to shove a lot of words into a tiny space. It’s a little scary but it’s impressive. Funereal and weird. Butch but soft. Subtle and ridiculous. I loathe Danyl and everything he stands for but he was easily the best on Saturday night.
Dannii loved it (but doesn’t share her wishes he’d done Outside). Louis says he was trying too hard, which is true but hard to accept from the man giving John & Edward ghosts to bust on stage. Cheryl said he was flat and the bare performance made this worse. Simon snits and doesn’t understand how that was trying too hard. Because Simon doesn’t understand musical nuance. Sometimes singing ‘unplugged’ is trying too hard when you oversing like that fairy does and when you’re desperately trying to make a point. There is mention of the recent press rumours that Danyl not only lives for cock but is one. These rumours are not strongly denied by anyone.
2. LLOYD – ‘Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body’
Lloyd is on first because everyone’s clearly given up on him. His VT also skips his very good Paolo Nutini cover. (Oh I would shave my area with a blunt razor to hear someone cover Pencil Full of Lead!) Lloyd’s visit home features both mountains and word art banners in corner shops. I love Wales. Lloyd is stopped by about two people and is amazed that being followed around by cameras attracts attention. They won’t be coming up to him in January. His family are lovely and Welsh just like we’ve been shown in Gavin & Stacey. His song this week may be tricky as he’ll have to breathe! Yvie is concerned. He promises to sing ‘harder’ than ever though I think we’d all settle for ‘better.’
And he’s doing Faith. Ha! I once sung this at Christian summer camp and forgot the words and in a very real but unintentional way profaned a Church. Fun times. Lloyd’s hair looks awesome and he is now ridiculously hot. A career in twink porn beckons and all it took was some wax! Moley fathead Olly Murs is no longer the hottie of this competition and I must say this is a relief. The singing is good, and not just relatively. There is an impressive and only slightly silly falsetto bit at the end. But it works as a little final flourish, unlike Danyl’s scream which is boring and gets in the way. Lloyd is learning the trick behind X Factor: putting slightly silly notes in almost silly places! He also moves around the stage like he’s not hating every minute.
Dannii says he looks fantastic and Louis too loves the new hair. He doesn’t like his voice and repeats Lloyd is out of his depth. Simon says it was ‘not bad’ and that Lloyd ‘stepped up.’ Cheryl says it was his ‘best comfortable performance.’ As opposed to his other great uncomfortable performances? Shush Cheryl and well done Lloyd. If this contest was about hair and inspiring homosexuals to wank, the trophy is yours. Or Jedward’s.
3. JOE – ‘Just too funky for me’
I feel bad ranking Joe lower than someone I hate and someone who can’t really sing but this is the case and we’ll all have to deal with it.
In his Joe’s VT he tells us he loves when Cheryl is rude and aggressive to the other judges. Is he a thug too? I hope he didn’t find that bathroom assault funny. ‘Oh that Cheryl. What you see is what you get. If she’s pissed to the gills and thinks a bathroom lady’s been rude to her, she’ll knock her out there and then!’ Etc. We also learn that his Granny will keep him grounded and has a very thick, terrifying accent. In his song there’s one note that Joe’s struggling with and that could spell disaster. Ok, when we’re worrying about one note that could go wrong one week, then we should be allowed to start voting Joe to win now. I worry weekly whether Olly or Stacey will hit any notes – or whether the wonderful Jedward are actually singing.
He’s doing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me which is boring and a bit obvious. The troublesome notes is either not in this final version or went fine because there are no issues whatsoever. It’s perfectly sung but we’ve come to expect this now. He gets the first standing ovation from all judges of this series.
Dannii loves the honesty and passion in his voice. Cheryl loves working with and watching Joe. Louis whines that it’s not a George Michael song and that Cheryl’s cheating. He’s taken this too far now: I agreed with him on lots of his other rulebreaks but this one seems capricious. Joe’s still never been in the bottom two and I think and hope he’ll win.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I watch you sinking all that cheap red wine’
Jedward’s VT features loads of clips of Calvin Harris rushing the stage. I’m surprised by how bad a dancer is, considering his livelihood depends on making others dance. Kevin, Jedward’s granddad, is the sweetest little man and looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. Simon is like Louis giving them too much to do and Louis is like nu uh because they practise more than anyone.
They are wearing Wham shirts and are doing I’m Your Man. Which then becomes Wham Rap (I think, there’s certainly some rapping) and then goes back to I’m Your Man. I saw the rap breakdown coming and it’s just not as sophisticated as their mashup last week. This week it’s just a medley and is very cheap. The crowd all cheer again, which is nice, but I thought this was a bit samey. Until Jedward show us they can sing (perhaps taking on Ave Maria during the final) my love for them is so dependent on them either surprising me or being a relief from the boredom. I think this week Danyl’s bizarre arrangement stole their thunder. Usually, I watch them and think it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
Dannii praises them for singing in tune and says it was fun. Cheryl says well done and Simon disses Andrew Ridgley. He wouldn’t dare do that if I was there with him. Both twins are smiling and it’s heartwarming. They’re looking good lately.
They don’t look so good when they’re in the bottom two. They look really pasty and like they’re about to cry. It’s very cruel that they still have to wear their Wham outfits from last night. They tackle No Matter What by Boyzone which has never been a good song. They are booed before, during and after and I think that accounts for a lot of the vocal problems. One gives up singing at one point. They keep singing the wrong lyrics over the other. They’re out of tune and out of time. It’s such a shame. They leave the show not with a celebratory, homoerotic bang but instead with an ashamed, unerotic whimper. They have made so many of these live shows bearable that I’m so sad they’re leaving. I suppose it’s to Joe now to fit that good singer/good person mould that Alexandra so butchly fit last year.
5. OLLY – ‘If you’re looking for fast love’
Then go to Olly. He’s quite clearly a one minute man. He is introduced as The Incredible Olly Murs, which annoys me. Though he looks like a pallid Incredible Hulk, he is not incredible. Nor is he credible as a recording artist or human being. He is a skidmark on entertainment’s gusset. On his VT this week Olly tells us his plans to be modern and sexy. Good luck with that!
He is doing FastLove which is an awesome but not remotely modern. There is nothing modern about mid 90s dance pop. He dances with women in black suits and brightly coloured torn pom poms. Perhaps Brian wants this dance routine to be a satire on women in the modern workplace? To his credit, Olly’s dancing is far less stupid than it has been in his previous weeks. And, he keeps his shirt on. He remains punchworthy and amateur when he mimes out the lyrics again. He does telephone fingers for ‘call’ and points to his head every time he sings ‘mind.’ I’ve seen “lads” do this in clubs. It’s only funny if you do it for every word, and if you do it to Pulp’s Disco 2000 and have to mime the word ‘woodchip.’
Dannii speaks of pitch problems but I doubt anyone cares. Louis says he’s not fake and Cheryl says he doesn’t complain about everything. Danyl’s ears don’t so much burn as set on fire here.
The judge’s praise is not enough to keep Olly from the bottom two. It’s reassuring he ended up there once. He’s doing Wonderful Tonight and it’s fine. Kind of like when he did She’s The One and it wasn’t bad but about a tenth as fun (and as praised) as the performance when he goons around with whorish dancers. It’s never in doubt he’ll stay in the contest but it does put another kink in Simon’s armour. Thank God. He’s been a dick this series. (Remember it was he who put in those horrible live auditions.)
6. STACEY – ‘Maybe we should all be praying for time’
In her VT, Stacey is happy and gaspy. She says if their charity single gets to #1, it would be ‘well cool.’ Her family trip is a bit of a damp squib as she already goes home every week to see her son. An Adele song is used in her VT which only makes me more frustrated that Stacey can’t sing as well as Adele. Also, Stacey is advised by a singing coach to cry on stage. Surely the producers should advise this and the singing coach should teach Stacey to sing better.
She’s doing I Can’t Make You Love Me which, to paraphrase Yvie, is a good song. When it’s good. It’s not good here. Stacey sounds shrill and very American. Like she’s Miss Wyoming and someone’s stolen the rabbit for her magic trick and she’s being asked to sing instead. This song was done so much better on Idol. Here it is shrill and flat and awkward. And, most damagingly, boring. Then it’s shouty and no less boring. She appears to be wearing what is either a Halloween costume or a 2.2 Fashion student’s dissertation.
Louis praises Dannii for an amazing song choice and avoids praising the way it was sung. The others are similarly vague (‘a little star,’ ‘elegant’ and ‘a winner’) as any criticism of that shocker would result in an all-male final five. Boo hiss, judges! I'm not friends with you anymore
Monday 16 November 2009
Thex Factor – Queen Week – ‘Each morning I get up, I die a little’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Queen week
I bet Danyl will feel right at home! The big pansy! Queen week features masterclasses by two men who, while good musicians, are so wrinkly and big-haired that they look like Mums from a very posh PTA. Still, they like John & Edward so they’re all good in my book. Poor old Queen have to cope with Danyl undoubtedly probably trying to gay them up during masterclasses, then watch Danyl scream like the big screamer we know he is, then play backup for him and the other, less irritating ones on Results night. These Queen men should all be knighted! Queen week is also an excuse for all the singers to become ridiculous (and act like Freddie Murphy) and to use massive choirs (and drown out their own inferior voices). Strangely, no one was that bad and no one got chewed out by the judges. I still don’t want to listen to any of the performances again but we’re making progress. Also, we get Shakira, whose new single I’m sad to admit does not include the lyrics ‘Shakira, Shakira,’ and all the finalists bleat through ‘You Are Not Alone.’
2. Calvin Harris is a cheeky monkey
But one that likes Jedward so it’s a moral minefield for me. Calvin, whose most irritating hits include I’m Not Alone, put a giant pineapple on his head and rushed the stage during what was undoubtedly probably this series’s most inspired performance. He was soon after evicted and not allowed on Xtra Factor. Ha! Like he needs the exposure.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘We are the champions of the world’
Or at least of this series. I have had to rank them first so often (and so often by default) that it’s becoming a little pointless ranking at all. But I do so enjoy writing ‘On with the rankings…’
John & Edward are mentioned every time Louis says something tonight and are even the stars of another SHOCK ELIMINATION montage featuring all the press about Lucie’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. I like Lucie more than that fat girl last year who was ELIMINATED SHOCKINGLY but I can’t say we missed Lucie tonight.
Their VT proper shows Simon saying they are ‘sort of good,’ which is far too tempered praise for my taste, and then their frightening and legitimately shocking trip to the bottom two. Simon says they’ve won him over with their good attitudes and that he enjoyed them last week. We see clips of one sobbing last week – I guess it’s the one who looks uncomfortable when they’re booed but I’ve already forgotten which one is which. Louis reminds us they got more votes than Lucie (and that this SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff is therefore nonsense) and that this week’s performance is all about the singing. (Spoiler: it’s not.) Jedward meet Queen (which they stress means The Band, not The Queen) and Brian May says it’s better to be hated than met with indifference. He says this kind of indifferently but support is support.
They are singing Under Pressure with a very unsubtle, deep-voiced guidance vocal. They shout-rap the verses and hop about in metal jumpsuits and in their inimitable style. Then the songs becomes an Ice Ice Baby mashup! Suffice to say, it is awesome. Barechested gay gangsta rappers start bouncing and then slutty women with covered chests join in the fun. They rap about being hated and loved and the song flicks back and forth from Under Pressure to Ice Ice Baby. I know it’s no 2 Many DJs but I think this mash up is really cool. The dancing and the light show is also quite slick and we see Louis dancing along like the sweetheart we know he is. They menace the camera towards the end and fend off Calvin Harris’s advances. It is cool and when it’s over, there are no boos and Louis looks shocked. Also, it was their best vocal by a mile. This week they were the best to listen to as well as watch: because sometimes a good song has rapping and verses that are easy to sing, not shrieking and yelping and lots of difficult bits.
Dannii thinks the bootleg is a cheat and cries hypocrisy. She also says the rapping was out of time as if this matters. Cheryl loves that there were no boos and is thrilled for them and by them. Both twins are smiling! Simon says it was their best performance and I get a little misty. He says ‘if people like you, they like you’ and praises their can-do spirit and backstage manners. I spent between one and two pounds on votes for them. They need to win now.
2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT finds plenty of excuses to call him ‘musical theatre.’ This is so sabotage and meant to distract us from Danyl’s more overt faggotry. Joe is happy that he can hit notes and that Cheryl thinks of him as a little brother. I just hope Joe’s not being groomed for a knife gang. Joe’s song this week (Somebody To Love) is very difficult but Queen think his performance is ‘nice.’ Nice is the best word for Joe, isn’t it? Simon says if he pulls it off, it will be good. Well, yes well-executed performances are often good while those poorly-executed can be bad.
At the start we can’t hear him but soon learn he can’t dance. He looks like all his muscles are atrophying in sequence. The vocals are so good, he could almost be miming. (Perhaps he was? Jedward clearly were.) There’s a freaky, gulpy falsetto which soon becomes awesomeness. Joe is so the best singer.
Dannii makes a weird pun about Joe being somebody to love. Louis Walsh says it was a big song for a little boy and says the choir helped him. Isn’t that the point of backing singers? The police wouldn’t call for back up if back up was a hindrance. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week (possibly because no one was wielding sticks or wearing Spanish lace) and Cheryl says they’re idiots. She yells Quiet and Shut Up like the thug we know she is.
3. STACEY – ‘Cos this is Thriller, Thriller night’
Stacey’s VT troubles me as I’m a little bored of what is either her moron act or her actual personality. She is glad she remembered her moves last week. Obviously rubbing her boobs was part of a complex routine. She is anxious being the only girl left and seems to know she’s going home soon. She’s singing a big emotional song and Yvie has to teach her to stand up straight. Queen are impressed and say hers is ‘a star voice.’ She makes an Under Pressure pun but sadly does not mash-up her pun with references to Ice Ice Baby. Pressure! Pressure!
Stacey sounds pretty great on Who Wants To Live Forever. The song is more operatic here than I remember and sounds a bit like a Katherine Jenkins rock cover. She’s flat at times but her hair looks good and her dress flatters. She looks like a zombie in the face though. Plus, we learn later she’s wearing 100 grand worth of jewellery. The backing choir are scary, the guitars don’t weep gently but instead scream and throw tubes of Smarties at the world, and fireworks fall from the ceiling.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it was stunning. Simon says it was the best of the night and astutely says it was less ‘whatever’ than Stacey usually is. Ha!
4. JAMIE – ‘All we hear is radio ga ga, radio goo goo’
On Jamie’s VT, we are asked to believe his wimpy cover of Crying last week was a ‘turning point.’ Oh please, nothing’s changed. He says the masterclass with Queen was a dream come true and acts as fangirl as he did when he met Whitney Houston. He hopes his performance will honour Freddie Murphy, which shows Jedward-levels of delusion.
His performance is pitchy, dawg, and pointless. It’s odd that he’s singing Radio Gaga as I confidently predict I will never hear a Jamie record on the radio. This would’ve made much more sense done by Lloyd or someone who’s less, you know, with the singing. There are power notes with no power and Simon grins and lolls about in his chair because of the audience reaction. The audience clap and do the dance routine because they’re idiots. You know they’ve all done that silly Amarillo walk at a wedding where the bride wore pink and would only serve vollyvonts. Jamie’s performance is so bad it’s turned me into a terrible snob! Either that, or I haven’t forgiven this show for forcing the pasty, bucktoothed audience on us during the audition rounds.
Dannii says it was a crowdpleaser which didn’t show off his voice. Louis says he’s out of his depth and has proven to be a very ordinary singer. To quote: ‘small voice, big hair.’ Ha! Louis again says it was a crowdpleaser but says this with the perfect amount of disdain for the audience. Cheryl hates Jamie’s hair. In the face, Jamie looks exactly like Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo. You notice no one ever says how nice Jamie is backstage.
Jamie lands in bottom two and does more Queen. He has a lisp. I don’t know why I never noticed this: maybe it’s why he’s so unconvincing as a rock star. He shakes his head in order to look earnest and the arm of rock goes up in the air. He wears shiny red pants and may have his fly open. The growly bits are fine but the rest is typically dull. To continue the Queen puns, the show must go on. The show is bad. And the show won’t go on. Jamie is kicked off after the judges again go to deadlock. Even though I preferred Jamie to Lloyd every week, I actually did a fistpump and went ‘yes’ when he was eliminated. I think I prefer Lloyd’s very bad singing to Jamie’s pretty bad singing, rockstar posturing, overpraise from Simon, stupid hair and To Wong Foo face.
5. LLOYD – ‘Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?’
Lloyd assures us that he’s not outmatched by his competition and that he has a place in his competition. I find it mindboggling that he’s still here, considering his poor performances and the lack of support from the judges. He doesn’t know the song, or care much for Queen, because he was born in the 90s. Someone does this song every year on the X Factor so that’s no excuse. Queen say he’ll find this song ‘tricky’ but then Lloyd finds Happy Birthday tricky. He can’t sing.
Lloyd’s doing Crazy Little Theeng Called Love and I grimace every time he says Theeng. I think it should be a rule that you have to able to pronounce the title of the theeng you’re singing. The theeng is though, Lloyd looks far less terrified than usual. And this is definitely a good theeng, as is his crouch step dancing. He looks like a mime catburglar who’s about to steal sometheeng. The slutty dancers are so dressed so slutty they look unhinged. Sorry, unheenged.
Dannii says he’s arrived and Louis says he was much better than last week. ‘Much improved’ even passes Louis’s lips. Simon says he’s still a puppy in the grand national but puppies still have fun. Cheryl says the penny’s dropped.
Sadly, the penny has dropped into my wishing well from last week when I desperately wanted him gone. He ends up in the bottom two again but everything’s different this time. For one, Cheryl looks calm and not about to attack someone. For two, Lloyd sings pretty well in the bottom two. He’s singing Last Request that Rachel and Ethan both mastered during bootcamp. (Do you remember how fit Ethan was? Shame he’s gone, though it would have been even harder to accept Olly as a heartthrob if he was put alongside one who was genuinely attractive.) Lloyd looks terrified and strains at time as usual but he sounds pretty good. His voice suits radio 2 acoustic indie, as evidenced by his successful I’m Yours back in Morocco. Maybe Cheryl should give him some James Morrison next week? He’d stay if she did.
6. OLLY – ‘If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance’
Olly’s VT reminds us of last week’s crazy, fug-concealing lighting and last week’s crazy, fug-heightening dance routine. Also, he broke his knuckle boxing and the Twins are vaguely involved. There are a few minutes’ drama about his injury and his plaster cast until we learn he’s not even wearing a cast tonight. He just has a little fingerless glove to protect it. Why did we even need to know then?
He’s singing Don’t Stop Me Now which I must stress is my least favourite song ever. They’ve already inflicted Sweet Child o’ Mine on me. If someone does Mr Brightside next week, the show will have officially become a bad Student club from 2004 and I will stop watching it. Olly is a wedding singer tonight, with fun dancing and odd hair. He does some bizarre body popping that makes it look like he has tentacles. I’m sure this performance is good for what it is (i.e. audience-pandering) but I hate it. It’s both busy and boring. Also, isn’t this song about calling up men for a good time? Why has it become wholesome family fun?
Dannii praises the ‘incredible’ dancing and says the song swallowed his vocals. Louis says it was electrifying and Cheryl looks forward to Olly every week. Simon praises Olly for not complaining (as he did Jedward and Lucie – you know someone IS complaining and he’s trying to guilt trip them) and for coping after he ‘nearly broke [his] arm.’ Simon gets so confused, doesn’t he. Arms get mixed up with fingers. Danyl gets mixed up with things that aren’t shit.
7. DANYL – ‘I’m a BK bitch, love to ride dick’
In Danyl’s VT he pretends to be nice and happy and fools no one. We hear he begged Simon to let him sing something but we aren't told what. If Danyl didn't sing every song in the exact same way the suspense would be too much to bear. Queen tell him he’s not connecting and should lift his head off the floor. Danyl thinks that if he stands like a normal person with his eyes up we’ll think he’s cocky again. The words cocky and confident are then used about a million times. Sadly, no one uses the word cock to describe Danyl.
He’s singing We Are The Champions. I kid you not. What a strange way to show us you’re not cocky! He sings about how hard life is and how he committed no crime. I think this performance is the most recent of his many crimes. His phrasing is awful. Who would buy this? Then, of course, he screams.
Dannii says it was his best performance (even though he ignored her salient advice not to scream) and Louis says it was the best of the night. Cheryl says he’s handsome and Simon says he’s fantastic. They are all wrong.
1. It is Queen week
I bet Danyl will feel right at home! The big pansy! Queen week features masterclasses by two men who, while good musicians, are so wrinkly and big-haired that they look like Mums from a very posh PTA. Still, they like John & Edward so they’re all good in my book. Poor old Queen have to cope with Danyl undoubtedly probably trying to gay them up during masterclasses, then watch Danyl scream like the big screamer we know he is, then play backup for him and the other, less irritating ones on Results night. These Queen men should all be knighted! Queen week is also an excuse for all the singers to become ridiculous (and act like Freddie Murphy) and to use massive choirs (and drown out their own inferior voices). Strangely, no one was that bad and no one got chewed out by the judges. I still don’t want to listen to any of the performances again but we’re making progress. Also, we get Shakira, whose new single I’m sad to admit does not include the lyrics ‘Shakira, Shakira,’ and all the finalists bleat through ‘You Are Not Alone.’
2. Calvin Harris is a cheeky monkey
But one that likes Jedward so it’s a moral minefield for me. Calvin, whose most irritating hits include I’m Not Alone, put a giant pineapple on his head and rushed the stage during what was undoubtedly probably this series’s most inspired performance. He was soon after evicted and not allowed on Xtra Factor. Ha! Like he needs the exposure.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘We are the champions of the world’
Or at least of this series. I have had to rank them first so often (and so often by default) that it’s becoming a little pointless ranking at all. But I do so enjoy writing ‘On with the rankings…’
John & Edward are mentioned every time Louis says something tonight and are even the stars of another SHOCK ELIMINATION montage featuring all the press about Lucie’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. I like Lucie more than that fat girl last year who was ELIMINATED SHOCKINGLY but I can’t say we missed Lucie tonight.
Their VT proper shows Simon saying they are ‘sort of good,’ which is far too tempered praise for my taste, and then their frightening and legitimately shocking trip to the bottom two. Simon says they’ve won him over with their good attitudes and that he enjoyed them last week. We see clips of one sobbing last week – I guess it’s the one who looks uncomfortable when they’re booed but I’ve already forgotten which one is which. Louis reminds us they got more votes than Lucie (and that this SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff is therefore nonsense) and that this week’s performance is all about the singing. (Spoiler: it’s not.) Jedward meet Queen (which they stress means The Band, not The Queen) and Brian May says it’s better to be hated than met with indifference. He says this kind of indifferently but support is support.
They are singing Under Pressure with a very unsubtle, deep-voiced guidance vocal. They shout-rap the verses and hop about in metal jumpsuits and in their inimitable style. Then the songs becomes an Ice Ice Baby mashup! Suffice to say, it is awesome. Barechested gay gangsta rappers start bouncing and then slutty women with covered chests join in the fun. They rap about being hated and loved and the song flicks back and forth from Under Pressure to Ice Ice Baby. I know it’s no 2 Many DJs but I think this mash up is really cool. The dancing and the light show is also quite slick and we see Louis dancing along like the sweetheart we know he is. They menace the camera towards the end and fend off Calvin Harris’s advances. It is cool and when it’s over, there are no boos and Louis looks shocked. Also, it was their best vocal by a mile. This week they were the best to listen to as well as watch: because sometimes a good song has rapping and verses that are easy to sing, not shrieking and yelping and lots of difficult bits.
Dannii thinks the bootleg is a cheat and cries hypocrisy. She also says the rapping was out of time as if this matters. Cheryl loves that there were no boos and is thrilled for them and by them. Both twins are smiling! Simon says it was their best performance and I get a little misty. He says ‘if people like you, they like you’ and praises their can-do spirit and backstage manners. I spent between one and two pounds on votes for them. They need to win now.
2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT finds plenty of excuses to call him ‘musical theatre.’ This is so sabotage and meant to distract us from Danyl’s more overt faggotry. Joe is happy that he can hit notes and that Cheryl thinks of him as a little brother. I just hope Joe’s not being groomed for a knife gang. Joe’s song this week (Somebody To Love) is very difficult but Queen think his performance is ‘nice.’ Nice is the best word for Joe, isn’t it? Simon says if he pulls it off, it will be good. Well, yes well-executed performances are often good while those poorly-executed can be bad.
At the start we can’t hear him but soon learn he can’t dance. He looks like all his muscles are atrophying in sequence. The vocals are so good, he could almost be miming. (Perhaps he was? Jedward clearly were.) There’s a freaky, gulpy falsetto which soon becomes awesomeness. Joe is so the best singer.
Dannii makes a weird pun about Joe being somebody to love. Louis Walsh says it was a big song for a little boy and says the choir helped him. Isn’t that the point of backing singers? The police wouldn’t call for back up if back up was a hindrance. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week (possibly because no one was wielding sticks or wearing Spanish lace) and Cheryl says they’re idiots. She yells Quiet and Shut Up like the thug we know she is.
3. STACEY – ‘Cos this is Thriller, Thriller night’
Stacey’s VT troubles me as I’m a little bored of what is either her moron act or her actual personality. She is glad she remembered her moves last week. Obviously rubbing her boobs was part of a complex routine. She is anxious being the only girl left and seems to know she’s going home soon. She’s singing a big emotional song and Yvie has to teach her to stand up straight. Queen are impressed and say hers is ‘a star voice.’ She makes an Under Pressure pun but sadly does not mash-up her pun with references to Ice Ice Baby. Pressure! Pressure!
Stacey sounds pretty great on Who Wants To Live Forever. The song is more operatic here than I remember and sounds a bit like a Katherine Jenkins rock cover. She’s flat at times but her hair looks good and her dress flatters. She looks like a zombie in the face though. Plus, we learn later she’s wearing 100 grand worth of jewellery. The backing choir are scary, the guitars don’t weep gently but instead scream and throw tubes of Smarties at the world, and fireworks fall from the ceiling.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it was stunning. Simon says it was the best of the night and astutely says it was less ‘whatever’ than Stacey usually is. Ha!
4. JAMIE – ‘All we hear is radio ga ga, radio goo goo’
On Jamie’s VT, we are asked to believe his wimpy cover of Crying last week was a ‘turning point.’ Oh please, nothing’s changed. He says the masterclass with Queen was a dream come true and acts as fangirl as he did when he met Whitney Houston. He hopes his performance will honour Freddie Murphy, which shows Jedward-levels of delusion.
His performance is pitchy, dawg, and pointless. It’s odd that he’s singing Radio Gaga as I confidently predict I will never hear a Jamie record on the radio. This would’ve made much more sense done by Lloyd or someone who’s less, you know, with the singing. There are power notes with no power and Simon grins and lolls about in his chair because of the audience reaction. The audience clap and do the dance routine because they’re idiots. You know they’ve all done that silly Amarillo walk at a wedding where the bride wore pink and would only serve vollyvonts. Jamie’s performance is so bad it’s turned me into a terrible snob! Either that, or I haven’t forgiven this show for forcing the pasty, bucktoothed audience on us during the audition rounds.
Dannii says it was a crowdpleaser which didn’t show off his voice. Louis says he’s out of his depth and has proven to be a very ordinary singer. To quote: ‘small voice, big hair.’ Ha! Louis again says it was a crowdpleaser but says this with the perfect amount of disdain for the audience. Cheryl hates Jamie’s hair. In the face, Jamie looks exactly like Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo. You notice no one ever says how nice Jamie is backstage.
Jamie lands in bottom two and does more Queen. He has a lisp. I don’t know why I never noticed this: maybe it’s why he’s so unconvincing as a rock star. He shakes his head in order to look earnest and the arm of rock goes up in the air. He wears shiny red pants and may have his fly open. The growly bits are fine but the rest is typically dull. To continue the Queen puns, the show must go on. The show is bad. And the show won’t go on. Jamie is kicked off after the judges again go to deadlock. Even though I preferred Jamie to Lloyd every week, I actually did a fistpump and went ‘yes’ when he was eliminated. I think I prefer Lloyd’s very bad singing to Jamie’s pretty bad singing, rockstar posturing, overpraise from Simon, stupid hair and To Wong Foo face.
5. LLOYD – ‘Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?’
Lloyd assures us that he’s not outmatched by his competition and that he has a place in his competition. I find it mindboggling that he’s still here, considering his poor performances and the lack of support from the judges. He doesn’t know the song, or care much for Queen, because he was born in the 90s. Someone does this song every year on the X Factor so that’s no excuse. Queen say he’ll find this song ‘tricky’ but then Lloyd finds Happy Birthday tricky. He can’t sing.
Lloyd’s doing Crazy Little Theeng Called Love and I grimace every time he says Theeng. I think it should be a rule that you have to able to pronounce the title of the theeng you’re singing. The theeng is though, Lloyd looks far less terrified than usual. And this is definitely a good theeng, as is his crouch step dancing. He looks like a mime catburglar who’s about to steal sometheeng. The slutty dancers are so dressed so slutty they look unhinged. Sorry, unheenged.
Dannii says he’s arrived and Louis says he was much better than last week. ‘Much improved’ even passes Louis’s lips. Simon says he’s still a puppy in the grand national but puppies still have fun. Cheryl says the penny’s dropped.
Sadly, the penny has dropped into my wishing well from last week when I desperately wanted him gone. He ends up in the bottom two again but everything’s different this time. For one, Cheryl looks calm and not about to attack someone. For two, Lloyd sings pretty well in the bottom two. He’s singing Last Request that Rachel and Ethan both mastered during bootcamp. (Do you remember how fit Ethan was? Shame he’s gone, though it would have been even harder to accept Olly as a heartthrob if he was put alongside one who was genuinely attractive.) Lloyd looks terrified and strains at time as usual but he sounds pretty good. His voice suits radio 2 acoustic indie, as evidenced by his successful I’m Yours back in Morocco. Maybe Cheryl should give him some James Morrison next week? He’d stay if she did.
6. OLLY – ‘If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance’
Olly’s VT reminds us of last week’s crazy, fug-concealing lighting and last week’s crazy, fug-heightening dance routine. Also, he broke his knuckle boxing and the Twins are vaguely involved. There are a few minutes’ drama about his injury and his plaster cast until we learn he’s not even wearing a cast tonight. He just has a little fingerless glove to protect it. Why did we even need to know then?
He’s singing Don’t Stop Me Now which I must stress is my least favourite song ever. They’ve already inflicted Sweet Child o’ Mine on me. If someone does Mr Brightside next week, the show will have officially become a bad Student club from 2004 and I will stop watching it. Olly is a wedding singer tonight, with fun dancing and odd hair. He does some bizarre body popping that makes it look like he has tentacles. I’m sure this performance is good for what it is (i.e. audience-pandering) but I hate it. It’s both busy and boring. Also, isn’t this song about calling up men for a good time? Why has it become wholesome family fun?
Dannii praises the ‘incredible’ dancing and says the song swallowed his vocals. Louis says it was electrifying and Cheryl looks forward to Olly every week. Simon praises Olly for not complaining (as he did Jedward and Lucie – you know someone IS complaining and he’s trying to guilt trip them) and for coping after he ‘nearly broke [his] arm.’ Simon gets so confused, doesn’t he. Arms get mixed up with fingers. Danyl gets mixed up with things that aren’t shit.
7. DANYL – ‘I’m a BK bitch, love to ride dick’
In Danyl’s VT he pretends to be nice and happy and fools no one. We hear he begged Simon to let him sing something but we aren't told what. If Danyl didn't sing every song in the exact same way the suspense would be too much to bear. Queen tell him he’s not connecting and should lift his head off the floor. Danyl thinks that if he stands like a normal person with his eyes up we’ll think he’s cocky again. The words cocky and confident are then used about a million times. Sadly, no one uses the word cock to describe Danyl.
He’s singing We Are The Champions. I kid you not. What a strange way to show us you’re not cocky! He sings about how hard life is and how he committed no crime. I think this performance is the most recent of his many crimes. His phrasing is awful. Who would buy this? Then, of course, he screams.
Dannii says it was his best performance (even though he ignored her salient advice not to scream) and Louis says it was the best of the night. Cheryl says he’s handsome and Simon says he’s fantastic. They are all wrong.
Monday 9 November 2009
Thex Factor – Movie Night – ‘Or I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of you’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. Dermot is not a judge
And Louis told him so. Keen viewers, or indeed keen readers of this blog, will notice Dermot’s become increasingly bratty and refutes any criticism that the judges give. It’s very unprofessional and undermines the judges and the show. I’m glad Louis told him where to go. Davina would have smashed his face in.
2. There are other judges
There’s the strangely behaved Simon who thinks Jamie, Olly and Danyl are the greatest musicians the world has ever seen and gives every performance a standing o, even though most of them have barely deserved polite applause. There’s the beautiful and angry Cheryl Cole, the beautiful and suddenly sound Dannii Minogue and the beautiful inside Louis Walsh.
3. It is movie week
All the contestants stand on a red carpet and get to watch Jim Carrey as an animated Ebenezer Scrooge. The star-studded event features both Peter Andre and my favourite cricketer Tuffers. That does sound like a fun night so I won’t begrudge their whooping about how much fun it is.
4. The guests have nothing to do with movies
Why can’t they just call it Leona has a song out tomorrow week? Or maybe build the theme around her and the Black Eyed Peas? Transatlantic number ones, for example. Songs from this century. I should so produce this show. The Black Eyed Peas perform their least irritating song for years: Fergie ascends from a giant glittery halfmoon and Will.I.Am hangs from a wire. It’s about ten times more fun than Leona who’s been saddled with a song which either has no tune or two. It’s unclear. She sings it well but it’s not like last year when she did Run with her knees out.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Who you gonna call?’
The Grimes twins receive huge boos before they perform, which I still think is too rude even for reality TV. Dermot being a dick to the judges is clearly sending a message that rudeness is acceptable. Bring back Kate Thornton. In their VT they say they’re not just pop artists and ‘rocked it out’ last week. I’m not sure that’s true. Peter Andre speaks eloquently in praise of the Grimes brothers on the red carpet and we learn Gordon Brown doesn’t like them. I know who I’d rather have on my side. Louis then disses Gordon Brown and Dannii says she ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m just reporting the facts; I’m not trying to make sense of them. This VT is very weird.
The Grimes brothers begin their performance in a car. It’s all uphill from here. They act. The dancing is fab. They forget to sing again. They have guns with which they bust ghosts. They get electrocuted. A strange lady in red screams. I laugh throughout and on a night full of ballads, and on a night where it became clear that jughead will win, it is a huge amount of fun to watch the Brothers Grimes look so stupid.
Dannii wonders what will be on their album. The album will probably have the same production values, and guidance vocalists, as most of hers so I don’t know why she’s struggling to imagine it. Cheryl says it was fun and ‘good on you.’ Simon says it was ‘sort of good’ in a childish way and says it was more entertaining than the karaoke that had been inflicted on them before. This is so true and I’m glad he’s back on board. Louis says they bring joy to the world and they do.
But clearly not to the people who vote because they’re in the bottom two. I’m going to have to start voting for them. Clearly ranking them first, and encouraging my dozens of readers to vote, is not enough. They redo Rock DJ for survival and it’s pretty good. It’s a repeat but this time it’s done without the big stageshow: it’s just them doing cartwheels and being awkward and slightly out of time. All the things I love in my Irish twincest popstars! Also, it’s clear they’re better singers than Lloyd. And far more pleasant to listen to than Danyl. At least they don’t scream like they’ve being doubledone as Danyl inflicts on us every week. I wish they’d kicked his gaping ass out this week. Grimes Brothers, I love you and want you to perform at my wedding or the bah mitzvah of my first son.
2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT reminds us that he’s limp and stageschooly. Ha! Simon is so calling Joe a fag every time he says that. Like when Troy Bolton wants to join the musical but his Dad wants him to just play basketball and Troy’s like ‘No, Dad, I want to be on both teams.’ Joe is at the premiere and smiley and happy on all counts. He’s singing from The Lion King and is unsurprisingly thrilled about this and smiles a lot.
The verses are a bit tentative and his voice is clear. He sounds gayer than you’d think Cheryl could stand. Oh, and I think his poppy is made out of silk. It’s all very odd but is well-sung. Joe sways slightly and sings about the circle while black men wave sticks around in the background and women in Spanish lace dresses flail about. It is odd and has little to do with either lions or Joe. At least John & Edward had ghosts on stage that were busted during their song about ghostbusters.
Dannii says he’s the best male vocalist, which is a good thing to remind everyone who’s voting for Moley Murs or that bender off of X Factor. Dannii didn’t like the stickwavers as she thought they were distracting. Simon did not like the swaying and brats that he’s not the best singer. Yes, he obviously doesn’t scream enough to win that title. Louis says something inoffensive and Dermot starts on him and then a whole mess happens. My take on this is that Louis is a judge and Dermot is a tool. Dermot’s got too big for his boots while Louis’s boots are made for walkin’. I trust you all agree.
3. LUCIE – ‘We’re soarin’, we’re flyin’
Lucie’s VT shows her sudden transformation from a subpar diva to a subpar kid rocker during last week. Dannii says she’s young and cool now because Guns N Roses are, if anything, young and cool. This show’s values are so warped. She’s singing a song from Camp Rock which is a TV movie. Think of it as a cousin of High School Musical. Or, to push a metaphor too far, a girl at Avril Lavigne’s high school that Avril stopped being friends because she wouldn’t cut herself during Truth or Dare. Yvie is no nonsense during the VT and tells Lucie not to act. We hear in roughly seven different ways that Lucie’s song is going to show who is.
And handily it’s called ‘This Is Me’ and features these words over again. We all know who Lucie is now. The question we never meant to ask has finally been answered! It sounds just like Gotta Go My Own Way or any number of live action Disney songs. Her reedy voice really suits the world of autotuned Disney and it’s quite engaging really. The song’s as catchy as you’d think so for two minutes, it’s very easy watching. There is a terrible shriek as there is every week from Lucie – and which will of course be shown during the recap when her voting number is shown because some editor really hates the Welsh. There are also some good whistle notes and her hair looks awesome.
She’s in the bottom two for reasons that only God knows. (People preferred Lloyd and that fairy? Really?) She sings Whitney for her survival and it’s very slick and stageschool. Except not in Joe’s I’m-a-good-singer-so-these-tics-are-more-forgivable way. It’s a bit nauseating and the song is about destiny and chances. She makes strange vomit noises in lieu of pleasant growling also and grins smugly when she’s done. But not for long. Simon lets it go to deadlock again and she’s gone. I’m just glad the Twins are still around but I really don’t want to read a lot of SHOCK ELIMINATION stories. She was never going to win; it’s not that SHOCKing
4. OLLY – ‘You are deformed and you are ugly’
In Olly’s VT, he sits under a ridiculous amount of lighting which succeeds in making him look much less fug. For now. He also pronounces them as ‘loights’ to annoy me. He’s singing a song from Ferris Bueller which you’ll be shocked to know is one of Simon’s favourite films of all time. You know how uncomfortable he is giving hyperbolic praise so this really means something. Dannii and Louis are bored by the song choice and I agree that two Beatles songs in a row is too much.
He sings Twist and Shout and twists and shouts. He also dances with a wide stance and appears to be wearing the same suit he wore on Diva week. There are 60s girl dancers again. The dance breakdown is quite cool and sees Olly and the slutty dancers walk like cavemen in sync. Olly has two moves during the song: lifting one leg is one; flipping his feet about, the other. It’s possibly good but definitely boring. That’s enough for this high place this week.
Louis likes Olly but hates the silly dancing and the silly song. Dannii didn’t believe Olly believed in the song and I believe Olly nods because he believes the same belief. There are deafening cheers. Cheryl thinks he’s gone too retro. Simon snits at the others and says Olly dancing around like a panfaced prick is ‘called en-ter-tain-ment’ and that’s the point. Or, it is until John & Edward become too awesome and popular and then Simon will decide it’s a singing competition.
5. DANYL – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Simon introduces ‘a new Danyl Johnson.’ If it was entirely a different person, I could get on board with this. Maybe the new Danyl won’t be so annoying and will sing better. Danyl’s VT is edited so that Simon doesn’t say ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer’ Ha! Danyl tells us he feels like he’s got a second chance when the public forgave his dreadful Aerosmith cover. I think this yelping mary’s been given more than two chances but I’m not a judge.
Danyl is doing Purple Rain to which I say: bitch, please. Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this last year shits on Danyl and everything he stands for from such a high distance that it’s not even worth comparing. Danyl still sounds like Neena Samoné, the fattest drag queen in Wigan, and still sounds pretty shit. A tasteful falsetto aside, he’s lifeless. He’s restrained too and not in a good way. Oh and then he screams again. Natch. He smiles without teeth when he’s done and looks sad.
Louis is full of praise and says he’ll be in the final. Why? Dannii tells him not to shout every week and I’m glad someone’s finally told him that. Cheryl likes he’s not cocky anymore. Simon says it was an outstanding vocal. Except, it wasn’t. I don’t get Danyl.
6. JAMIE – ‘I've mended all my ways, repented, seen the light, and made a switch’
In his VT, Jamie takes Louis’s criticism that he’s a fake and inherently dull as constructive and decides to show his potential more. On some level, I admire this but also I think Jamie’s time has been up for a while. On the red carpet Jamie smirks and we learn Phil ‘Tuffers’ Tufnell is backing him for the win. First, the cricketers. Then, the gays. Then, the world. Jamie’s song had to be changed again either because Jamie’s not very good or because Simon doesn’t give a shit. Possibly both. He’s now doing Crying which we are assured is from Gummo. Isn’t that film about abused children? Happy Saturday night!
Jamie’s voice wobbles like crazy and then he, of course, gets to yell. He does so in a raspy but not exactly masculine way. It’s very dull and I remember nothing about it. The only bit I liked was when I got a text saying Jamie looks like Macy Gray.
Louis is glad Jamie has dropped ‘all the silly rock stuff.’ To which: Ha! He also says Simon cheated with that song. Dannii says he wasn’t the pub rocker this week and this was good. Because lame wedding singer is better? Cheryl says by not doing Unchained Melody he dodged a bullet, as that song is cheesy. Simon then gets very mardy because Unchained Melody is his favourite song ever (and that’s why Shayne Ward, Robson & Jerome and Gareth Gates were all made to sing it). He’s very rude to Cheryl at this point and it’s uncomfortable. There is a big argument about the supposed cheating as Crying is from a film no one’s heard of. It’s hard to take sides: Gummo is a real film, and it is movie night, so it’s not a big rule break. However, it’s not really in the spirit of things to pick a song and then find a movie it was in. Isn’t this week meant to be a celebration of Hollywood?
7. STACEY – ‘Stacey, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me?’
Stacey didn’t like Pulp Fiction, in which her song features, as it was violent. She’s more of a Toy Story girl we hear. We also learn Stacey will have to perform a sexy song sexily this week and this is a problem. Stacey and Cheryl both assure us that Stacey is not sexy, which in a world where Olly Murs is a heartthrob is quite a diss. This drama is stupid and clearly invented. We know Stacey is a young mum: stop pretending she’s a virgin who watches Toy Story with an immaculately conceived baby.
She’s doing Dusty which is boring. Why couldn’t she do Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon? That's in Pulp Fiction too. Or Jungle Boogie? She’s also wearing leather and looks exactly like Olivia Newton-John in Grease when she tries to be sexy. Tell me about it, stud. That bit. This song is played-out and I don’t need to see it covered it again. It was already perfect. We also learn from Stacey’s performance that sexy equals walking around a mic and sticking your bum out. Ooh and rubbing your boobs! Five weeks in, I don’t think Stacey has given a single great performance. And I wanted her to win so much. And, based on past auditions, she kind of has the best voice.
Louis loves the look and Stacey’s personality but thought the performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thought she looked sexy and cool. Cheryl can’t dress for shit so I don’t think Stacey should take the compliment too seriously. Simon thought the song choice was lazy and that Stacey is vulnerable. Dannii thought it was modern because Duffy and Amy would cover that song. Even if that were true, it doesn’t stop how dull that was to watch. No wonder John & Edward are so popular.
8. LLOYD – ‘I never can say goodbye’
Lloyd’s VT is an embarrassment of riches and shows all the many ways he fucked up during his survival song. He’s very sad. Then he’s very happy and at a premiere! We see Jim Carrey’s beard. It is thick but wiry: a medical marvel. The premiere and seeing the beard is ‘a taste of what [Lloyd’s] life could be like.’ Yes, being half recognised at premieres is something Lloyd can savour for at least another six months. Louis says Lloyd’s song this week (Stand By Me) is too old but Cheryl says they’ve made it modern.
Oh, by shoving in bits of Beautiful Girls in there? Oh how clever and original! I just wish JLS and David Archuleta hadn’t already thought of this. And performed this medley on reality shows last year. Cheryl is quite full of the gimmicks when it comes to Lloyd isn’t she? This one is just as poor, and poorly sung, as his genderbending ‘I Kissed A Girl’ from last week. To offer a brief diversion from the terrible singing, Lloyd goes over to the judges’ table and takes Cheryl’s hand. It’s lame. And also, she’s married. Simon looks smug because he thinks he knows Lloyd’s going home and his three boys are safe.
Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth and Simon concurs. Dannii says it was well-chosen as it doesn’t show how limited Lloyd’s range is. She somehow makes this sound nicer than I can. For the third time in five weeks, Lloyd is the worst.
1. Dermot is not a judge
And Louis told him so. Keen viewers, or indeed keen readers of this blog, will notice Dermot’s become increasingly bratty and refutes any criticism that the judges give. It’s very unprofessional and undermines the judges and the show. I’m glad Louis told him where to go. Davina would have smashed his face in.
2. There are other judges
There’s the strangely behaved Simon who thinks Jamie, Olly and Danyl are the greatest musicians the world has ever seen and gives every performance a standing o, even though most of them have barely deserved polite applause. There’s the beautiful and angry Cheryl Cole, the beautiful and suddenly sound Dannii Minogue and the beautiful inside Louis Walsh.
3. It is movie week
All the contestants stand on a red carpet and get to watch Jim Carrey as an animated Ebenezer Scrooge. The star-studded event features both Peter Andre and my favourite cricketer Tuffers. That does sound like a fun night so I won’t begrudge their whooping about how much fun it is.
4. The guests have nothing to do with movies
Why can’t they just call it Leona has a song out tomorrow week? Or maybe build the theme around her and the Black Eyed Peas? Transatlantic number ones, for example. Songs from this century. I should so produce this show. The Black Eyed Peas perform their least irritating song for years: Fergie ascends from a giant glittery halfmoon and Will.I.Am hangs from a wire. It’s about ten times more fun than Leona who’s been saddled with a song which either has no tune or two. It’s unclear. She sings it well but it’s not like last year when she did Run with her knees out.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Who you gonna call?’
The Grimes twins receive huge boos before they perform, which I still think is too rude even for reality TV. Dermot being a dick to the judges is clearly sending a message that rudeness is acceptable. Bring back Kate Thornton. In their VT they say they’re not just pop artists and ‘rocked it out’ last week. I’m not sure that’s true. Peter Andre speaks eloquently in praise of the Grimes brothers on the red carpet and we learn Gordon Brown doesn’t like them. I know who I’d rather have on my side. Louis then disses Gordon Brown and Dannii says she ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m just reporting the facts; I’m not trying to make sense of them. This VT is very weird.
The Grimes brothers begin their performance in a car. It’s all uphill from here. They act. The dancing is fab. They forget to sing again. They have guns with which they bust ghosts. They get electrocuted. A strange lady in red screams. I laugh throughout and on a night full of ballads, and on a night where it became clear that jughead will win, it is a huge amount of fun to watch the Brothers Grimes look so stupid.
Dannii wonders what will be on their album. The album will probably have the same production values, and guidance vocalists, as most of hers so I don’t know why she’s struggling to imagine it. Cheryl says it was fun and ‘good on you.’ Simon says it was ‘sort of good’ in a childish way and says it was more entertaining than the karaoke that had been inflicted on them before. This is so true and I’m glad he’s back on board. Louis says they bring joy to the world and they do.
But clearly not to the people who vote because they’re in the bottom two. I’m going to have to start voting for them. Clearly ranking them first, and encouraging my dozens of readers to vote, is not enough. They redo Rock DJ for survival and it’s pretty good. It’s a repeat but this time it’s done without the big stageshow: it’s just them doing cartwheels and being awkward and slightly out of time. All the things I love in my Irish twincest popstars! Also, it’s clear they’re better singers than Lloyd. And far more pleasant to listen to than Danyl. At least they don’t scream like they’ve being doubledone as Danyl inflicts on us every week. I wish they’d kicked his gaping ass out this week. Grimes Brothers, I love you and want you to perform at my wedding or the bah mitzvah of my first son.
2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT reminds us that he’s limp and stageschooly. Ha! Simon is so calling Joe a fag every time he says that. Like when Troy Bolton wants to join the musical but his Dad wants him to just play basketball and Troy’s like ‘No, Dad, I want to be on both teams.’ Joe is at the premiere and smiley and happy on all counts. He’s singing from The Lion King and is unsurprisingly thrilled about this and smiles a lot.
The verses are a bit tentative and his voice is clear. He sounds gayer than you’d think Cheryl could stand. Oh, and I think his poppy is made out of silk. It’s all very odd but is well-sung. Joe sways slightly and sings about the circle while black men wave sticks around in the background and women in Spanish lace dresses flail about. It is odd and has little to do with either lions or Joe. At least John & Edward had ghosts on stage that were busted during their song about ghostbusters.
Dannii says he’s the best male vocalist, which is a good thing to remind everyone who’s voting for Moley Murs or that bender off of X Factor. Dannii didn’t like the stickwavers as she thought they were distracting. Simon did not like the swaying and brats that he’s not the best singer. Yes, he obviously doesn’t scream enough to win that title. Louis says something inoffensive and Dermot starts on him and then a whole mess happens. My take on this is that Louis is a judge and Dermot is a tool. Dermot’s got too big for his boots while Louis’s boots are made for walkin’. I trust you all agree.
3. LUCIE – ‘We’re soarin’, we’re flyin’
Lucie’s VT shows her sudden transformation from a subpar diva to a subpar kid rocker during last week. Dannii says she’s young and cool now because Guns N Roses are, if anything, young and cool. This show’s values are so warped. She’s singing a song from Camp Rock which is a TV movie. Think of it as a cousin of High School Musical. Or, to push a metaphor too far, a girl at Avril Lavigne’s high school that Avril stopped being friends because she wouldn’t cut herself during Truth or Dare. Yvie is no nonsense during the VT and tells Lucie not to act. We hear in roughly seven different ways that Lucie’s song is going to show who is.
And handily it’s called ‘This Is Me’ and features these words over again. We all know who Lucie is now. The question we never meant to ask has finally been answered! It sounds just like Gotta Go My Own Way or any number of live action Disney songs. Her reedy voice really suits the world of autotuned Disney and it’s quite engaging really. The song’s as catchy as you’d think so for two minutes, it’s very easy watching. There is a terrible shriek as there is every week from Lucie – and which will of course be shown during the recap when her voting number is shown because some editor really hates the Welsh. There are also some good whistle notes and her hair looks awesome.
She’s in the bottom two for reasons that only God knows. (People preferred Lloyd and that fairy? Really?) She sings Whitney for her survival and it’s very slick and stageschool. Except not in Joe’s I’m-a-good-singer-so-these-tics-are-more-forgivable way. It’s a bit nauseating and the song is about destiny and chances. She makes strange vomit noises in lieu of pleasant growling also and grins smugly when she’s done. But not for long. Simon lets it go to deadlock again and she’s gone. I’m just glad the Twins are still around but I really don’t want to read a lot of SHOCK ELIMINATION stories. She was never going to win; it’s not that SHOCKing
4. OLLY – ‘You are deformed and you are ugly’
In Olly’s VT, he sits under a ridiculous amount of lighting which succeeds in making him look much less fug. For now. He also pronounces them as ‘loights’ to annoy me. He’s singing a song from Ferris Bueller which you’ll be shocked to know is one of Simon’s favourite films of all time. You know how uncomfortable he is giving hyperbolic praise so this really means something. Dannii and Louis are bored by the song choice and I agree that two Beatles songs in a row is too much.
He sings Twist and Shout and twists and shouts. He also dances with a wide stance and appears to be wearing the same suit he wore on Diva week. There are 60s girl dancers again. The dance breakdown is quite cool and sees Olly and the slutty dancers walk like cavemen in sync. Olly has two moves during the song: lifting one leg is one; flipping his feet about, the other. It’s possibly good but definitely boring. That’s enough for this high place this week.
Louis likes Olly but hates the silly dancing and the silly song. Dannii didn’t believe Olly believed in the song and I believe Olly nods because he believes the same belief. There are deafening cheers. Cheryl thinks he’s gone too retro. Simon snits at the others and says Olly dancing around like a panfaced prick is ‘called en-ter-tain-ment’ and that’s the point. Or, it is until John & Edward become too awesome and popular and then Simon will decide it’s a singing competition.
5. DANYL – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Simon introduces ‘a new Danyl Johnson.’ If it was entirely a different person, I could get on board with this. Maybe the new Danyl won’t be so annoying and will sing better. Danyl’s VT is edited so that Simon doesn’t say ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer’ Ha! Danyl tells us he feels like he’s got a second chance when the public forgave his dreadful Aerosmith cover. I think this yelping mary’s been given more than two chances but I’m not a judge.
Danyl is doing Purple Rain to which I say: bitch, please. Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this last year shits on Danyl and everything he stands for from such a high distance that it’s not even worth comparing. Danyl still sounds like Neena Samoné, the fattest drag queen in Wigan, and still sounds pretty shit. A tasteful falsetto aside, he’s lifeless. He’s restrained too and not in a good way. Oh and then he screams again. Natch. He smiles without teeth when he’s done and looks sad.
Louis is full of praise and says he’ll be in the final. Why? Dannii tells him not to shout every week and I’m glad someone’s finally told him that. Cheryl likes he’s not cocky anymore. Simon says it was an outstanding vocal. Except, it wasn’t. I don’t get Danyl.
6. JAMIE – ‘I've mended all my ways, repented, seen the light, and made a switch’
In his VT, Jamie takes Louis’s criticism that he’s a fake and inherently dull as constructive and decides to show his potential more. On some level, I admire this but also I think Jamie’s time has been up for a while. On the red carpet Jamie smirks and we learn Phil ‘Tuffers’ Tufnell is backing him for the win. First, the cricketers. Then, the gays. Then, the world. Jamie’s song had to be changed again either because Jamie’s not very good or because Simon doesn’t give a shit. Possibly both. He’s now doing Crying which we are assured is from Gummo. Isn’t that film about abused children? Happy Saturday night!
Jamie’s voice wobbles like crazy and then he, of course, gets to yell. He does so in a raspy but not exactly masculine way. It’s very dull and I remember nothing about it. The only bit I liked was when I got a text saying Jamie looks like Macy Gray.
Louis is glad Jamie has dropped ‘all the silly rock stuff.’ To which: Ha! He also says Simon cheated with that song. Dannii says he wasn’t the pub rocker this week and this was good. Because lame wedding singer is better? Cheryl says by not doing Unchained Melody he dodged a bullet, as that song is cheesy. Simon then gets very mardy because Unchained Melody is his favourite song ever (and that’s why Shayne Ward, Robson & Jerome and Gareth Gates were all made to sing it). He’s very rude to Cheryl at this point and it’s uncomfortable. There is a big argument about the supposed cheating as Crying is from a film no one’s heard of. It’s hard to take sides: Gummo is a real film, and it is movie night, so it’s not a big rule break. However, it’s not really in the spirit of things to pick a song and then find a movie it was in. Isn’t this week meant to be a celebration of Hollywood?
7. STACEY – ‘Stacey, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me?’
Stacey didn’t like Pulp Fiction, in which her song features, as it was violent. She’s more of a Toy Story girl we hear. We also learn Stacey will have to perform a sexy song sexily this week and this is a problem. Stacey and Cheryl both assure us that Stacey is not sexy, which in a world where Olly Murs is a heartthrob is quite a diss. This drama is stupid and clearly invented. We know Stacey is a young mum: stop pretending she’s a virgin who watches Toy Story with an immaculately conceived baby.
She’s doing Dusty which is boring. Why couldn’t she do Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon? That's in Pulp Fiction too. Or Jungle Boogie? She’s also wearing leather and looks exactly like Olivia Newton-John in Grease when she tries to be sexy. Tell me about it, stud. That bit. This song is played-out and I don’t need to see it covered it again. It was already perfect. We also learn from Stacey’s performance that sexy equals walking around a mic and sticking your bum out. Ooh and rubbing your boobs! Five weeks in, I don’t think Stacey has given a single great performance. And I wanted her to win so much. And, based on past auditions, she kind of has the best voice.
Louis loves the look and Stacey’s personality but thought the performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thought she looked sexy and cool. Cheryl can’t dress for shit so I don’t think Stacey should take the compliment too seriously. Simon thought the song choice was lazy and that Stacey is vulnerable. Dannii thought it was modern because Duffy and Amy would cover that song. Even if that were true, it doesn’t stop how dull that was to watch. No wonder John & Edward are so popular.
8. LLOYD – ‘I never can say goodbye’
Lloyd’s VT is an embarrassment of riches and shows all the many ways he fucked up during his survival song. He’s very sad. Then he’s very happy and at a premiere! We see Jim Carrey’s beard. It is thick but wiry: a medical marvel. The premiere and seeing the beard is ‘a taste of what [Lloyd’s] life could be like.’ Yes, being half recognised at premieres is something Lloyd can savour for at least another six months. Louis says Lloyd’s song this week (Stand By Me) is too old but Cheryl says they’ve made it modern.
Oh, by shoving in bits of Beautiful Girls in there? Oh how clever and original! I just wish JLS and David Archuleta hadn’t already thought of this. And performed this medley on reality shows last year. Cheryl is quite full of the gimmicks when it comes to Lloyd isn’t she? This one is just as poor, and poorly sung, as his genderbending ‘I Kissed A Girl’ from last week. To offer a brief diversion from the terrible singing, Lloyd goes over to the judges’ table and takes Cheryl’s hand. It’s lame. And also, she’s married. Simon looks smug because he thinks he knows Lloyd’s going home and his three boys are safe.
Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth and Simon concurs. Dannii says it was well-chosen as it doesn’t show how limited Lloyd’s range is. She somehow makes this sound nicer than I can. For the third time in five weeks, Lloyd is the worst.
Tuesday 3 November 2009
Thex Factor – Rock Week – ‘I hurt myself today’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. Louis and Dannii are better than Simon
I knew this day would come. Simon has become increasingly bored, increasingly biased and increasingly in love with showboating queens like Danyl and Adam Lambert. Simon forcefed the yanks Adam Lambert and they reacted by crowing Kris Allen (fit, actually good) the winner. He’s doing the same with Danyl now and it’s just not working. Also, you know Simon is fucking up when Olly Murs is his only act with a chance at winning. Louis sticks up for John & Edward and Dannii appears to listen to all the acts so they’re both tops in my books. Cheryl is also there and is wearing two halves of a glittery clock over her boobs.
2. Michael Jackson is dead
I don’t think I’ve covered this news yet but these are the facts and there’s no use disputing them. The X Factor final 12 are going to cover ‘You Are Not Alone’ for charity soon. Last year they covered Mariah and got to sing with her. Will they sing with a hologram of Wacko this year? I bet seventy pence they will.
3. We have a guest columnist
Will Longhill is something of a hotshot and we have been bredrin since before Lucie and Lloyd were born. This is a terrifying fact. He blogged for Thex last year (when we had funner acts to play with): I think one more appearance and he’ll be my Sinitta.
4. It is Rock Week. Rock!
And no one is more excited by this than me. Especially as on this show, rock means Keane and Katy Perry. The contestants all performed amusing songs amusingly and no one did The Script. We learned Danyl is not a convicing rocker or a convincing human being.
[Rock week was always going to be a hard week for the show. It's a pair of magic glasses that looks straight through the sheen, the tears and Simon's magnificent hair to its sallow and cynical heart. Rock brings a dilemma, either contestants try to 'rock out' and end up looking like game show contestants, or they wimp out (I'm looking at you Stacey) and look gutless. For The X Factor to be captivating, we need to believe, to believe in pop, to believe that we actually give a shit about being a star and following a dream. Where's a Mariah week when you need it? In fact where was a Kelly Clarkson number? Short of an enforced Nicklback week this was one of the worst set of rock choices imaginable – Will]
Bon Jovi were the big stars and sang out of tune on results night. They also didn’t do any masterclasses and as a result no one did their songs. Ha! Though Rachel doing This Ain’t A Love Song would have been ace. Or Danyl doing Wanted Dead or Alive with Brokeback Mountain playing on big screens behind them.
Speaking of gay cowboys, JLS performed on the results show also and were quite good. The song is only ruined by a silly ‘put your hands up’ which is repetitive and also puts too many limits on who may or may not put their hands up. It was not rock but Simon seems not to care about themes at all this year. After all, Leona is performing on movie week possibly because she really likes going to the cinema.
On with the rankings…
1. RACHEL – ‘In a New York Minute, ooh ooh ohh, anything can change’
Rachel’s VT focuses on her suddenly not being shit and it is a happy affair as a result. Simon and Louis get all sniffy about Dannii’s song choice. The logic is: she got through last week doing a fast song so Dannii is a stupid cunt for giving her a slow song this week. Dannii has no time for this nonsense and, in her defence, Rachel has bombed with songs fast and slow in the first two weeks so Dannii has few safe options.
Rachel is singing One by U2 which is a song I find very dull whoever it’s sung by. But not today! Rachel has Rihanna hair and looks good for once (more on this later) and sings well. The foghorn is gone and the runs build: subtle and impressive. She coos and is sultry then wails boldly and almost entirely pleasantly. It’s an excellent vocal and almost makes the song not boring. Brava, Rachel! The comeback seemed complete.
Louis says she made it her own, Cheryl says she’s the best girl. Simon mocks her hair and then Dannii mocks his. Simon smiles warmly and it’s a nice moment. Simon then says her hair made the performance cabaret. I can’t understand this and I won’t waste the time decoding it or writing more about it. Quiet, Cowell.
Rachel is in the bottom two, which humiliatingly means she got fewer votes than the out of tune and considerably gayer than you Danyl. Dermot comforts her after this bad news with the words ‘third time’s a charm.’ She sings Oasis and is foghorny at times but then becomes amazing at the end. It is perhaps her strongest performance and may well be the first performance by an X Factor act this year that I listen to after the fact. Simon says she sang better than Lloyd (which: see below. And which: not hard) but lets the vote go to deadlock anyway and Rachel is booted. I had a lot of issues with Rachel this year but this week she was clearly the best and I was sad to see her go. I’m not sure she’ll go on to big things but maybe she’ll find a nice table runner and be happy in some other way.
[Racism from the British public, or perhaps it's a hatred of Bono? Who knows? – Will]
[And yet the Aryan block vote couldn't save Lloyd. Nick Griffin was squinting thrice as much as usual Sunday night! – Thex]
2. JAMIE – ‘I’m a little bit rock and roll’
Jamie’s VT is a little confused. We relive Louis saying it was karaoke and then Jamie counters by saying he’s not a pub singer. Well, Louis never said you were. He said you were karaoke. Maybe if Jamie paid more attention he’d be more successful. Simon hopes Jamie has a good time on stage. What a low goal to set. Simon doesn’t hope he sings well because Jamie is neither his favourite nor ours.
Jamie does Loaded by Primal Scream which is still a good song and surprisingly doesn’t seem dated, even when it’s sung by a tool with glam rock makeup and a silly afro. Lyrically, it’s completely inappropriate for this show which makes me think Simon didn’t pick it. Jamie gives by far the cleanest vocal of the night, and I enjoyed it greatly, but I couldn’t rank him first. Mainly because I was constantly worried Jamie would hold out the mic to the audience, or climb on the judge’s table, or do something else pub singer-y. It’s authentic but it’s not cool and wouldn’t fly in the music press or on the charts. When you’re not cool enough for The X Factor, you’re not a rock star.
Jamie is given tempered but fair praise. Dannii says she liked it but preferred Hurt, Louis says there was no originality and Jamie is a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, Cheryl said rock week was a gift for Jamie and Simon says it was authentic. Simon then says the other judges are playing mind games but all the comments I’ve just listed are pertinent and true. Quiet, Cowell.
[This was Jamie's time to shine and he blew it. He should of brought out a storming ACDC number but settled for glam pub rock. In fact, where were the Bon Jovi songs this week? Louis called it right this week when he called Jamie a fake. There's nothing wrong with fake, pop is all fake but it doesn't matter. Nobody likes a fake rocker – Will]
[Just ask the other ones in Daughtry – Thex]
3. JOE – ‘So now I come to you with open arms’
Joe’s VT relives Simon’s ‘you’ve got less latin flavour than a dolphin’ comment from last week. Cheryl looks ready to toiletbash someone and sternly asks the camera what that even means. Point, Cole. Quiet, Cowell. Simon then says Joe and rock and roll are like a mouse and tiger. Because rock and roll will eat Joe? Because Joe will eat out a rockstar back stage?
Joe is doing Journey, which you know will cause that song to chart again next week. He’s dressed very well and sounds great. He is able to adapt his tone and sounds less creepy and Disney ever week. The vibrato is lame but he’s been brought up on Idols and X Factor and taught this way to sing so I’ll cut him some slack. As he sings, some random ballroom dancers fling around near him. Random ballroom woman flaps her legs about then wraps them around random ballroom man. Tramp.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional and he’s a star. I notice now that Cheryl’s not sitting next to Dannii. Ha! Have they had a falling out? Is it because Dannii is dressed well this week and Cheryl is wearing a Lady GuGu outfit? Simon calls it stageschooly which is kind of true but is about two months late: if anything, Joe’s become far less stageschooly and far more palatable. Joe is then forced by Dermot to say the North East love Journey to attract some regional votes. He doesn’t need to suck up in this way. He’s quite good.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘You big disgrace’
Their VT features enough of She Bangs to make me smile twice as wide as I thought possible. It also shows us Cheryl calling them her guilty pleasure (yey!) and Simon threatening to quit because they’re so rubbish (boo!) There is also video footage of Jedward’s screaming fans, who aren’t Irish, and of the Newspaper reports that they’ve been getting the most votes. Well, I’ve been ranking them first so this isn’t a big shocker.
They don’t get booed at the beginning at the song which shows some manners. They are doing Five’s cover of We Will Rock You, complete with rapping, which is a good way to mask their poor vocals. I do like when they try to sing though. They can’t rap in tune but the dancing is wonderful. They’ve been made to look like the founders of an Edward Cullen myspace group, with a strange skunk dye job. They are out of time with each other and with the song, and it’s not a patch on She Bangs, but it’s still heaps of fun. There is also a simulated stage dive where they are caught by people paid thousands not to damage the show’s hottest property.
Dannii gripes about the lyric botch but she says she likes watching them. Cheryl praises the production and their costumes and Simon laughs at this. I don’t think it was meant as a diss. Simon gripes about their tuning but praises their tenacity. It makes sense for the judges not to attack them as then the twins won’t get pity votes or ‘how to annoy Simon’ votes. I have to say I was a little disappointed by this performance as it wasn’t half as ridiculous as it could or should have been. I bet next week they’ll get it together and make me laugh absurdly again. I will buy this charity single just to hear them.
['Two bad boys with the power to rock you'. Louis normally has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together but he does know his boybands. Just when it looked like the boys were running out of steam they come out dressed as twighlight emo vampires, vampires with the power to rap...badly. Not quite up the the loft heights of the Britney performance but still pretty special. If Danyl doesn't win I want the boys to win. At one stage they even try a call and response with the backing singers. Those less generous than me would say that they missed cue but they're pros – Will]
5. STACEY – ‘I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it’
Her VT describes her palpable nerves last week and how she seems a little robotic. Stacey says she’s not used to being on stage and I notice gasps at the end of every sentence, even if it’s not a very long one. She wants to get better and so is tackling some choreography. This is a can-do Stacey. Simon helpfully says this week she’ll have to do something. He does not helpfully add what that something should be. Should she weave a tapestry? We are left to infer that she should dance a bit.
She is doing Keane which seems a natural progression from her week one Coldplay. Perhaps she’ll do Elbow on semi-final week? It’s arranged poorly as a power ballad and has silly guitar bits. Her voice once again sounds great when it’s barely used and awful when it’s overused. Stacey really isn’t improving. Her voice doesn’t suit the song at all: the shouting is out of place and is not exactly pretty either.
[Only Stacey, the nation's favourite afghan hound/essex girl hybrid could get away with singing Keane. If it was anyone else I would instantly write them off for the series but I love her so I forgive her – Will]
Louis says it was a boring song but he loves her. Cheryl likes her as a person but didn’t love the performance and hopes she’ll put more personality into her songs. That’s excellent advice: Stacey should do a fast-talking song and gasp at the end of every line. Perhaps Independent Women Part 1? Question!
6. LUCIE – ‘When you’re 21, you’re no fun’
Lucie’s VT focuses on Simon’s weird ‘you performed it like an actress’ diss from last week. We see clips on Dannii’s hot rage, Lucie’s hot tears and Simon’s lukewarm defiance. Yvie is looking forward at least and says this week Lucie’s song has notes ‘we didn’t know she had.’ The use of pronouns here makes me think that isn’t a compliment.
She’s singing Guns ‘N’ Roses. I absolutely hate this song: it reminds me of terrible “cheese” club nights at Uni where they always play this, Chesney Hawkes and Don’t Stop Me Now. They’d also play Livin’ On A Prayer and turn the sound down so the crowd would all do the wo ho bits together, exactly fourteen minutes before the first girl off the hockey team shat herself and collapsed in a toilet. Anyway, the song is more unpleasant than that toilet cubicle so it’s hard to judge the performance objectively. The growling is fine but there is no melody. This isn’t a “moment” for Lucie. There is some ear mic clutching and there are some very off notes. There is also quite a cool breakdown (or possibly a middle eight – it’s hard to tell when there’s this much strange wailing) and then it ends.
Louis says she’s a pro and that Simon owes her an apology. Cheryl compares her to Avril. Simon says she was boring but isn’t any more. That’s not praise I ever want to hear but she’s thrilled. Dannii tells her to enjoy being loved. Because it won’t last long? That is so the subtext.
[Lucie looks about as rock as PJ and Duncan – Will]
7. OLLY – ‘Any time I touch you, you just tremble inside’
Moley beauty Olly Murs is closing the show to ensure we go to bed with no happy thought. Simon introduces him by saying ‘now it’s back to a singing competition’ which is a childish Jedward diss. And also, really? It’s a singing competition with this idiot prouncing around? And I thought he was your big risk and you only put through because he’s likable?
His VT charmingly compares judge’s feedback to GCSE results and features the judge’s worries that his Beatles song is too big for him. Now, I like the Beatles but I don’t see how their songs are too big. They’re all quite clearly and subtly song: there are no ridiculous whistle notes to get right doing them.
He’s doing Come Together and has a cum face throughout the song. The song is too subtle for this show and should be too small for the room but Olly makes up for it by dancing around in a typically monged fashion. I respect him for having a lot of strength in his calf muscles though because I don’t. You can’t hear this voice for at least half of it but his last flourish is very good. Then he rips his short open and shows his hairy chest. That is so what Jamie wanted to do too. Maybe they did rock paper scissors?
The judges wax on about how Olly has improved. It’s sort of true in that he’s more comfortable, and he’s never the worst, but his voice is still not good enough for this show. Dermot calls him prime Essex meat and it comes across very much like Dermot kissed a girl and did not like it.
[Frankie Boyle recently said that Becky Adlington looks like the reflection you get when you look in a spoon, if Dermot did that he would see Ollie staring back. Despite my initial revulsion, he's won me over with a succession of tight trousers and surprisingly good singing. Come together is the perfect song for him, the closest the Beatles ever came to Prince's sex funk – Will]
[Speaking of Prince and ill-fitting clothing, I can’t help but feel none of these performances come close to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth doing ‘Purple Rain’ and scaring the shit out of a nation – Thex]
8. LLOYD – ‘Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do?’
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he resents being told he should be in a boy band. Lloyd is a brat and it appears has no idea how bad a singer he is. Simon says he’s only on the show because he’s good-looking and Louis’s views are similar. We hear he’s doing a girl’s song, and will have to intelligently change the lyrics, and that he’ll show he deserves his place.
He doesn’t really show that but what comes next is fun and his best live show performance by miles. He’s doing I Kissed A Girl and this requires few intelligent lyric changes. ‘I hope her boyfriend don’t mind it’ is the foolproof new lyric. It would have been far, far better if he’d kissed a boy and he liked it. Or if Danyl had done it instead. He sits on a throne and trampy women lunge at him. We assume these are the same trampy women imprisoned on stage during She Bangs last week. His voice is raspy, which is an improvement, but it’s still very flat. The song choice is clever, because now loads of fantards will imagine that Lloyd kissed a girl like them and he liked it, when we know that Lloyd would be repulsed at the sight of most X Factor viewers.
Dannii said he was more comfortable and Louis says he should sing better. Louis also complains that it’s not a rock song and it’s rock week. This is a valid point but Simon mocks him for whinging about rules and theme weeks when it really doesn’t matter. I couldn’t help but wonder: was Louis right? Why did Simon start theme weeks at all if he thinks they’re pointless? Simon agrees that the singing is bad but the swagger is better.
This swagger is not enough to save Lloyd from the bottom two. There is something richly deserved about this as he has been consistently rubbish on that big stage. Lloyd suddenly has a sore throat and Cheryl looks very worried. Or, ready to go back to her criminal days and cut a bitch, Lloyd sounds better ill for the bulk of his Joe Cocker song, like when Phoebe had a cold on Friends and become a chartreuse, but it kills his range entirely. (I have to say this sudden cold was a brilliant idea/piece of luck as he has now has an excuse for missing every big note.) He apologises, grimaces and hits himself on the head. It would be uncomfortable if it wasn’t so much fun to watch. He stays, he’s surprised and then this caller on the Xtra Factor makes him cry and admit he’s only there for his looks. Ha!
[Lloyd needs to die. Obviously Cheryl agrees because she insists on giving him songs that are either too difficult (Bleeding Love) or banal (tonight) – Will]
[Maybe his cold is not made up and is as serious as they make out and he will – Thex]
[Not only does Lloyd do the impossible and murder 'I Kissed a Girl', but he also has the nerve to get more votes than Rachel. I'm beginning to think that behind the vacant expression and twinkling eyes lurks a calculating killer. Strangely, his broken voiced survival song was his best performance of the series by which I mean it was mostly in tune and had a breathy quality reminicent of last year's superior model - the quiglet – Will]
[Lloyd and Eoghan rile me similarly. I think you’re on something. X Factor cloning? I smell a Charlie Brooker satirical drama – Thex]
9. DANYL – ‘I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you’
Danyl’s VT is about his ‘shocking’ and ‘undeserved’ trip to the bottom two. Whatevs. His accent is no less annoying. He says bo’om two but then says haaaaaaaart. Oh pick a team, wannabe. Either you’re posh and snooty and should ‘own it’ or yer should get t' pie from downt' way. We learn about a HILARIOUS article that says Danyl is the most hated contestant ever and that someone compared him to Hitler. Louis is the voice of reason and says Simon’s trying to force people to like Danyl and it’s not going to happen. This is true and a big part of why we don’t like him. Simon’s like a sleazy car salesman saying you have to buy that car today or else it’ll sell out and the price will double and you’ll regret it and you won’t get the free floormats and you’ll probably die.
He’s doing Aerosmith and his phrasing is bizarre. He sounds like a drag queen doing Nina Simone, even more than last week when he was actually singing Nina Simone. Faw-ey-vah is the worst bit. He looks miserable as hell and screams at points in a very desperate way. Jamie and Olly outsung him tonight. Danyl was flat and shrill and singing a lame, overdone, overplayed sung in an overdone, overegged way. He misses notes and botches lyrics. On the last note, it’s clear he’s given up. Much like Hitler did.
[Nick Griffin quite likes being compared to Hitler. Danyl clearly doesn't. He's clearly shaken by the furore surrounding him and the song choice constrains him. He's one of the few people who could actually do a proper rock song and gets stuck with an Aerosmith ballad. The judges clearly have it in for him, Cheryl tells him to keep his chin up before the low blow 'you don't really do it for me'. – Will]
Dannii is sympathetic and says it was sad to watch him like this. She also says he liked the desperate yelling. Cheryl rightly says it was uncomfortable and Louis tells him to butch up. Simon says the judges are contradictory because they’ve told him off for being cocky and now don’t like he’s a worthless shell of a man. It isn’t a contradiction, Simon. They want him to be confident and normal and less toolish. They have always wanted this. Simon makes me lol in a bad way when he says Danyl is ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer in the competition.’ Simon is undoubtedly probably the worst judge this year. Danyl has his hands in his pocket and looks like a stroppy child.
[Pop fact: Thex and I once argued with our class at school because we had the nerve to claim that Brandy and Monica's 'The Boy Is Mine' was a better song than the sloppy sentiment spewing from Steven Tyler's gaping mouth. Naturally, the other boys called us gay. They were only half right – Will]
[Yeah but you dropped your gay card– Thex]
1. Louis and Dannii are better than Simon
I knew this day would come. Simon has become increasingly bored, increasingly biased and increasingly in love with showboating queens like Danyl and Adam Lambert. Simon forcefed the yanks Adam Lambert and they reacted by crowing Kris Allen (fit, actually good) the winner. He’s doing the same with Danyl now and it’s just not working. Also, you know Simon is fucking up when Olly Murs is his only act with a chance at winning. Louis sticks up for John & Edward and Dannii appears to listen to all the acts so they’re both tops in my books. Cheryl is also there and is wearing two halves of a glittery clock over her boobs.
2. Michael Jackson is dead
I don’t think I’ve covered this news yet but these are the facts and there’s no use disputing them. The X Factor final 12 are going to cover ‘You Are Not Alone’ for charity soon. Last year they covered Mariah and got to sing with her. Will they sing with a hologram of Wacko this year? I bet seventy pence they will.
3. We have a guest columnist
Will Longhill is something of a hotshot and we have been bredrin since before Lucie and Lloyd were born. This is a terrifying fact. He blogged for Thex last year (when we had funner acts to play with): I think one more appearance and he’ll be my Sinitta.
4. It is Rock Week. Rock!
And no one is more excited by this than me. Especially as on this show, rock means Keane and Katy Perry. The contestants all performed amusing songs amusingly and no one did The Script. We learned Danyl is not a convicing rocker or a convincing human being.
[Rock week was always going to be a hard week for the show. It's a pair of magic glasses that looks straight through the sheen, the tears and Simon's magnificent hair to its sallow and cynical heart. Rock brings a dilemma, either contestants try to 'rock out' and end up looking like game show contestants, or they wimp out (I'm looking at you Stacey) and look gutless. For The X Factor to be captivating, we need to believe, to believe in pop, to believe that we actually give a shit about being a star and following a dream. Where's a Mariah week when you need it? In fact where was a Kelly Clarkson number? Short of an enforced Nicklback week this was one of the worst set of rock choices imaginable – Will]
Bon Jovi were the big stars and sang out of tune on results night. They also didn’t do any masterclasses and as a result no one did their songs. Ha! Though Rachel doing This Ain’t A Love Song would have been ace. Or Danyl doing Wanted Dead or Alive with Brokeback Mountain playing on big screens behind them.
Speaking of gay cowboys, JLS performed on the results show also and were quite good. The song is only ruined by a silly ‘put your hands up’ which is repetitive and also puts too many limits on who may or may not put their hands up. It was not rock but Simon seems not to care about themes at all this year. After all, Leona is performing on movie week possibly because she really likes going to the cinema.
On with the rankings…
1. RACHEL – ‘In a New York Minute, ooh ooh ohh, anything can change’
Rachel’s VT focuses on her suddenly not being shit and it is a happy affair as a result. Simon and Louis get all sniffy about Dannii’s song choice. The logic is: she got through last week doing a fast song so Dannii is a stupid cunt for giving her a slow song this week. Dannii has no time for this nonsense and, in her defence, Rachel has bombed with songs fast and slow in the first two weeks so Dannii has few safe options.
Rachel is singing One by U2 which is a song I find very dull whoever it’s sung by. But not today! Rachel has Rihanna hair and looks good for once (more on this later) and sings well. The foghorn is gone and the runs build: subtle and impressive. She coos and is sultry then wails boldly and almost entirely pleasantly. It’s an excellent vocal and almost makes the song not boring. Brava, Rachel! The comeback seemed complete.
Louis says she made it her own, Cheryl says she’s the best girl. Simon mocks her hair and then Dannii mocks his. Simon smiles warmly and it’s a nice moment. Simon then says her hair made the performance cabaret. I can’t understand this and I won’t waste the time decoding it or writing more about it. Quiet, Cowell.
Rachel is in the bottom two, which humiliatingly means she got fewer votes than the out of tune and considerably gayer than you Danyl. Dermot comforts her after this bad news with the words ‘third time’s a charm.’ She sings Oasis and is foghorny at times but then becomes amazing at the end. It is perhaps her strongest performance and may well be the first performance by an X Factor act this year that I listen to after the fact. Simon says she sang better than Lloyd (which: see below. And which: not hard) but lets the vote go to deadlock anyway and Rachel is booted. I had a lot of issues with Rachel this year but this week she was clearly the best and I was sad to see her go. I’m not sure she’ll go on to big things but maybe she’ll find a nice table runner and be happy in some other way.
[Racism from the British public, or perhaps it's a hatred of Bono? Who knows? – Will]
[And yet the Aryan block vote couldn't save Lloyd. Nick Griffin was squinting thrice as much as usual Sunday night! – Thex]
2. JAMIE – ‘I’m a little bit rock and roll’
Jamie’s VT is a little confused. We relive Louis saying it was karaoke and then Jamie counters by saying he’s not a pub singer. Well, Louis never said you were. He said you were karaoke. Maybe if Jamie paid more attention he’d be more successful. Simon hopes Jamie has a good time on stage. What a low goal to set. Simon doesn’t hope he sings well because Jamie is neither his favourite nor ours.
Jamie does Loaded by Primal Scream which is still a good song and surprisingly doesn’t seem dated, even when it’s sung by a tool with glam rock makeup and a silly afro. Lyrically, it’s completely inappropriate for this show which makes me think Simon didn’t pick it. Jamie gives by far the cleanest vocal of the night, and I enjoyed it greatly, but I couldn’t rank him first. Mainly because I was constantly worried Jamie would hold out the mic to the audience, or climb on the judge’s table, or do something else pub singer-y. It’s authentic but it’s not cool and wouldn’t fly in the music press or on the charts. When you’re not cool enough for The X Factor, you’re not a rock star.
Jamie is given tempered but fair praise. Dannii says she liked it but preferred Hurt, Louis says there was no originality and Jamie is a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, Cheryl said rock week was a gift for Jamie and Simon says it was authentic. Simon then says the other judges are playing mind games but all the comments I’ve just listed are pertinent and true. Quiet, Cowell.
[This was Jamie's time to shine and he blew it. He should of brought out a storming ACDC number but settled for glam pub rock. In fact, where were the Bon Jovi songs this week? Louis called it right this week when he called Jamie a fake. There's nothing wrong with fake, pop is all fake but it doesn't matter. Nobody likes a fake rocker – Will]
[Just ask the other ones in Daughtry – Thex]
3. JOE – ‘So now I come to you with open arms’
Joe’s VT relives Simon’s ‘you’ve got less latin flavour than a dolphin’ comment from last week. Cheryl looks ready to toiletbash someone and sternly asks the camera what that even means. Point, Cole. Quiet, Cowell. Simon then says Joe and rock and roll are like a mouse and tiger. Because rock and roll will eat Joe? Because Joe will eat out a rockstar back stage?
Joe is doing Journey, which you know will cause that song to chart again next week. He’s dressed very well and sounds great. He is able to adapt his tone and sounds less creepy and Disney ever week. The vibrato is lame but he’s been brought up on Idols and X Factor and taught this way to sing so I’ll cut him some slack. As he sings, some random ballroom dancers fling around near him. Random ballroom woman flaps her legs about then wraps them around random ballroom man. Tramp.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional and he’s a star. I notice now that Cheryl’s not sitting next to Dannii. Ha! Have they had a falling out? Is it because Dannii is dressed well this week and Cheryl is wearing a Lady GuGu outfit? Simon calls it stageschooly which is kind of true but is about two months late: if anything, Joe’s become far less stageschooly and far more palatable. Joe is then forced by Dermot to say the North East love Journey to attract some regional votes. He doesn’t need to suck up in this way. He’s quite good.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘You big disgrace’
Their VT features enough of She Bangs to make me smile twice as wide as I thought possible. It also shows us Cheryl calling them her guilty pleasure (yey!) and Simon threatening to quit because they’re so rubbish (boo!) There is also video footage of Jedward’s screaming fans, who aren’t Irish, and of the Newspaper reports that they’ve been getting the most votes. Well, I’ve been ranking them first so this isn’t a big shocker.
They don’t get booed at the beginning at the song which shows some manners. They are doing Five’s cover of We Will Rock You, complete with rapping, which is a good way to mask their poor vocals. I do like when they try to sing though. They can’t rap in tune but the dancing is wonderful. They’ve been made to look like the founders of an Edward Cullen myspace group, with a strange skunk dye job. They are out of time with each other and with the song, and it’s not a patch on She Bangs, but it’s still heaps of fun. There is also a simulated stage dive where they are caught by people paid thousands not to damage the show’s hottest property.
Dannii gripes about the lyric botch but she says she likes watching them. Cheryl praises the production and their costumes and Simon laughs at this. I don’t think it was meant as a diss. Simon gripes about their tuning but praises their tenacity. It makes sense for the judges not to attack them as then the twins won’t get pity votes or ‘how to annoy Simon’ votes. I have to say I was a little disappointed by this performance as it wasn’t half as ridiculous as it could or should have been. I bet next week they’ll get it together and make me laugh absurdly again. I will buy this charity single just to hear them.
['Two bad boys with the power to rock you'. Louis normally has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together but he does know his boybands. Just when it looked like the boys were running out of steam they come out dressed as twighlight emo vampires, vampires with the power to rap...badly. Not quite up the the loft heights of the Britney performance but still pretty special. If Danyl doesn't win I want the boys to win. At one stage they even try a call and response with the backing singers. Those less generous than me would say that they missed cue but they're pros – Will]
5. STACEY – ‘I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it’
Her VT describes her palpable nerves last week and how she seems a little robotic. Stacey says she’s not used to being on stage and I notice gasps at the end of every sentence, even if it’s not a very long one. She wants to get better and so is tackling some choreography. This is a can-do Stacey. Simon helpfully says this week she’ll have to do something. He does not helpfully add what that something should be. Should she weave a tapestry? We are left to infer that she should dance a bit.
She is doing Keane which seems a natural progression from her week one Coldplay. Perhaps she’ll do Elbow on semi-final week? It’s arranged poorly as a power ballad and has silly guitar bits. Her voice once again sounds great when it’s barely used and awful when it’s overused. Stacey really isn’t improving. Her voice doesn’t suit the song at all: the shouting is out of place and is not exactly pretty either.
[Only Stacey, the nation's favourite afghan hound/essex girl hybrid could get away with singing Keane. If it was anyone else I would instantly write them off for the series but I love her so I forgive her – Will]
Louis says it was a boring song but he loves her. Cheryl likes her as a person but didn’t love the performance and hopes she’ll put more personality into her songs. That’s excellent advice: Stacey should do a fast-talking song and gasp at the end of every line. Perhaps Independent Women Part 1? Question!
6. LUCIE – ‘When you’re 21, you’re no fun’
Lucie’s VT focuses on Simon’s weird ‘you performed it like an actress’ diss from last week. We see clips on Dannii’s hot rage, Lucie’s hot tears and Simon’s lukewarm defiance. Yvie is looking forward at least and says this week Lucie’s song has notes ‘we didn’t know she had.’ The use of pronouns here makes me think that isn’t a compliment.
She’s singing Guns ‘N’ Roses. I absolutely hate this song: it reminds me of terrible “cheese” club nights at Uni where they always play this, Chesney Hawkes and Don’t Stop Me Now. They’d also play Livin’ On A Prayer and turn the sound down so the crowd would all do the wo ho bits together, exactly fourteen minutes before the first girl off the hockey team shat herself and collapsed in a toilet. Anyway, the song is more unpleasant than that toilet cubicle so it’s hard to judge the performance objectively. The growling is fine but there is no melody. This isn’t a “moment” for Lucie. There is some ear mic clutching and there are some very off notes. There is also quite a cool breakdown (or possibly a middle eight – it’s hard to tell when there’s this much strange wailing) and then it ends.
Louis says she’s a pro and that Simon owes her an apology. Cheryl compares her to Avril. Simon says she was boring but isn’t any more. That’s not praise I ever want to hear but she’s thrilled. Dannii tells her to enjoy being loved. Because it won’t last long? That is so the subtext.
[Lucie looks about as rock as PJ and Duncan – Will]
7. OLLY – ‘Any time I touch you, you just tremble inside’
Moley beauty Olly Murs is closing the show to ensure we go to bed with no happy thought. Simon introduces him by saying ‘now it’s back to a singing competition’ which is a childish Jedward diss. And also, really? It’s a singing competition with this idiot prouncing around? And I thought he was your big risk and you only put through because he’s likable?
His VT charmingly compares judge’s feedback to GCSE results and features the judge’s worries that his Beatles song is too big for him. Now, I like the Beatles but I don’t see how their songs are too big. They’re all quite clearly and subtly song: there are no ridiculous whistle notes to get right doing them.
He’s doing Come Together and has a cum face throughout the song. The song is too subtle for this show and should be too small for the room but Olly makes up for it by dancing around in a typically monged fashion. I respect him for having a lot of strength in his calf muscles though because I don’t. You can’t hear this voice for at least half of it but his last flourish is very good. Then he rips his short open and shows his hairy chest. That is so what Jamie wanted to do too. Maybe they did rock paper scissors?
The judges wax on about how Olly has improved. It’s sort of true in that he’s more comfortable, and he’s never the worst, but his voice is still not good enough for this show. Dermot calls him prime Essex meat and it comes across very much like Dermot kissed a girl and did not like it.
[Frankie Boyle recently said that Becky Adlington looks like the reflection you get when you look in a spoon, if Dermot did that he would see Ollie staring back. Despite my initial revulsion, he's won me over with a succession of tight trousers and surprisingly good singing. Come together is the perfect song for him, the closest the Beatles ever came to Prince's sex funk – Will]
[Speaking of Prince and ill-fitting clothing, I can’t help but feel none of these performances come close to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth doing ‘Purple Rain’ and scaring the shit out of a nation – Thex]
8. LLOYD – ‘Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do?’
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he resents being told he should be in a boy band. Lloyd is a brat and it appears has no idea how bad a singer he is. Simon says he’s only on the show because he’s good-looking and Louis’s views are similar. We hear he’s doing a girl’s song, and will have to intelligently change the lyrics, and that he’ll show he deserves his place.
He doesn’t really show that but what comes next is fun and his best live show performance by miles. He’s doing I Kissed A Girl and this requires few intelligent lyric changes. ‘I hope her boyfriend don’t mind it’ is the foolproof new lyric. It would have been far, far better if he’d kissed a boy and he liked it. Or if Danyl had done it instead. He sits on a throne and trampy women lunge at him. We assume these are the same trampy women imprisoned on stage during She Bangs last week. His voice is raspy, which is an improvement, but it’s still very flat. The song choice is clever, because now loads of fantards will imagine that Lloyd kissed a girl like them and he liked it, when we know that Lloyd would be repulsed at the sight of most X Factor viewers.
Dannii said he was more comfortable and Louis says he should sing better. Louis also complains that it’s not a rock song and it’s rock week. This is a valid point but Simon mocks him for whinging about rules and theme weeks when it really doesn’t matter. I couldn’t help but wonder: was Louis right? Why did Simon start theme weeks at all if he thinks they’re pointless? Simon agrees that the singing is bad but the swagger is better.
This swagger is not enough to save Lloyd from the bottom two. There is something richly deserved about this as he has been consistently rubbish on that big stage. Lloyd suddenly has a sore throat and Cheryl looks very worried. Or, ready to go back to her criminal days and cut a bitch, Lloyd sounds better ill for the bulk of his Joe Cocker song, like when Phoebe had a cold on Friends and become a chartreuse, but it kills his range entirely. (I have to say this sudden cold was a brilliant idea/piece of luck as he has now has an excuse for missing every big note.) He apologises, grimaces and hits himself on the head. It would be uncomfortable if it wasn’t so much fun to watch. He stays, he’s surprised and then this caller on the Xtra Factor makes him cry and admit he’s only there for his looks. Ha!
[Lloyd needs to die. Obviously Cheryl agrees because she insists on giving him songs that are either too difficult (Bleeding Love) or banal (tonight) – Will]
[Maybe his cold is not made up and is as serious as they make out and he will – Thex]
[Not only does Lloyd do the impossible and murder 'I Kissed a Girl', but he also has the nerve to get more votes than Rachel. I'm beginning to think that behind the vacant expression and twinkling eyes lurks a calculating killer. Strangely, his broken voiced survival song was his best performance of the series by which I mean it was mostly in tune and had a breathy quality reminicent of last year's superior model - the quiglet – Will]
[Lloyd and Eoghan rile me similarly. I think you’re on something. X Factor cloning? I smell a Charlie Brooker satirical drama – Thex]
9. DANYL – ‘I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you’
Danyl’s VT is about his ‘shocking’ and ‘undeserved’ trip to the bottom two. Whatevs. His accent is no less annoying. He says bo’om two but then says haaaaaaaart. Oh pick a team, wannabe. Either you’re posh and snooty and should ‘own it’ or yer should get t' pie from downt' way. We learn about a HILARIOUS article that says Danyl is the most hated contestant ever and that someone compared him to Hitler. Louis is the voice of reason and says Simon’s trying to force people to like Danyl and it’s not going to happen. This is true and a big part of why we don’t like him. Simon’s like a sleazy car salesman saying you have to buy that car today or else it’ll sell out and the price will double and you’ll regret it and you won’t get the free floormats and you’ll probably die.
He’s doing Aerosmith and his phrasing is bizarre. He sounds like a drag queen doing Nina Simone, even more than last week when he was actually singing Nina Simone. Faw-ey-vah is the worst bit. He looks miserable as hell and screams at points in a very desperate way. Jamie and Olly outsung him tonight. Danyl was flat and shrill and singing a lame, overdone, overplayed sung in an overdone, overegged way. He misses notes and botches lyrics. On the last note, it’s clear he’s given up. Much like Hitler did.
[Nick Griffin quite likes being compared to Hitler. Danyl clearly doesn't. He's clearly shaken by the furore surrounding him and the song choice constrains him. He's one of the few people who could actually do a proper rock song and gets stuck with an Aerosmith ballad. The judges clearly have it in for him, Cheryl tells him to keep his chin up before the low blow 'you don't really do it for me'. – Will]
Dannii is sympathetic and says it was sad to watch him like this. She also says he liked the desperate yelling. Cheryl rightly says it was uncomfortable and Louis tells him to butch up. Simon says the judges are contradictory because they’ve told him off for being cocky and now don’t like he’s a worthless shell of a man. It isn’t a contradiction, Simon. They want him to be confident and normal and less toolish. They have always wanted this. Simon makes me lol in a bad way when he says Danyl is ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer in the competition.’ Simon is undoubtedly probably the worst judge this year. Danyl has his hands in his pocket and looks like a stroppy child.
[Pop fact: Thex and I once argued with our class at school because we had the nerve to claim that Brandy and Monica's 'The Boy Is Mine' was a better song than the sloppy sentiment spewing from Steven Tyler's gaping mouth. Naturally, the other boys called us gay. They were only half right – Will]
[Yeah but you dropped your gay card– Thex]
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