Thex Factor - Final - 'Come into the world, spice up your life'

1. LITTLE MIX - For a first time ever, a group win. But not just any group, one of those hastily-assembled boot camp groups. But not just any hastily-assembled boot camp group, no, in a bizarre twist ropey girl band Little Mix have won. You have to feel a little sorry for all the sluts in Hope, Addictiv Ladies, Bad Lashes, Kandy Rain and the ropily-named ropey girl band Girl Band.

2. MARCUS - Oh how I loved his Hey Ya. It came with geek glasses and a giant plane. But it wasn't enough to beat the girls. I think their cover of Silent Night was the winner - 3 of the girls looked and sounded lovely and the fat one looked like a stuffed turkey. The chins, the chins! It was just all so christmassy.
(Fact fans: Alexandra and Little Mix sang Silent Night and won. Their runners-up were JLS and Marcus sang, who both sang Last Christmas. Badly.)

3. AMELIA - I was worried Amelia would win, what with her being an underdog and not being a *bad* singer. Her duet with Kelly was pretty cool also. I think it was only fair that she didn't win, since she'd already been eliminated. And at least she was a better sport about it this time. Well done for conquering the stinkface, woman!

Thex Factor - Final - 'Who run the world? Girls!'

A giant plane
Could not secure victory
Ropey girl band wins?

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – ‘Mother, mother, there’s far too many of us crying’

1. AMELIA LILLY – I loved her Disney Princess Avril cover. I liked the exaggerated whispering most – as if she was talking to her friendly, talking crab or woodlouse.

2. MISHA B – I liked her Disney Villain Pink cover far less. She looked exactly like Ursula the sea witch. Was Ursula the sea witch meant to be black? Thoughts on a postcard, please.

3. LITTLE MIX – Their Motown cover was wretched and sealed their fate as the worst vocalists ever to win this show. (Oooh! Three-week late spoiler!) But their Beyonce cover of If I Were A Boy was so full of pleasant wailing, it was bursting at the seams. Jesy really felt the song – possibly because she can benchpress more than a boy. Because she’s fat. I hope she reads this and it inspires her to lose some weight. Or at least to shut up about being fat.

4. MARCUS – Oh how Marcus has slumped! Last place again! His My Girl cover was sung well but completely weird as we know he is a great big bender. The fact he was so clearly ‘acting’ at being ‘normal’ made it all very West End. The other song was so shit, even the judges said so and Gary had to admit Marcus had a cold. ‘Can You Feel It?’ We could not.

Thex Factor – Motown Semi Final – 'Stop!'

Marcus sang to girls
Amelia yelled to sing
Misha B turned up

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'If lovin' you's wrong, then I don't wanna be right'

1. AMELIA LILY – Her T’Pau cover was a bit weird. And her Kelly Clarkson was a bit shouty but she didn’t have an awful performance so she comes out fighting in first place.

2. JANET – Now I thought Janet’s cover of that obscure song Under the Bridge by that obscure band Red Hot Chili Peppers was fab. But her Mmmbop (complete with in-mouth vomit, forgotten words and 13 year old boy voice breaking) was maybe the worst of the season. Between RHCP, Hanson and Sixpence None The Richer, it’s clear Janet really likes her 90s dorm pop, doesn’t she? She’s a 30 year old American bisexual trapped in a teenage Irishwoman’s body

3. LITTLE MIX – they horrified with their horrific Bieber cover. They amazed with their amazing Xtina cover. I like that the fat one with self esteem issues cried. Well played, fat one with self esteem issues, well done.

4. MISHA – Her first performance was very shrill and was the crazy ass, Tulisa-threatening Misha we came to love even after we were told not to. Her second was sluggish and dull. I was amazed she made it through after all this.

5. MARCUS – Marcus had his first stinky week with no good performance. His guilty pleasure track was well sung I suppose but I had to look up what song he did. (It was Wham!) His Stevie Wonder song was so dull and so out of tune however. I’m not sure why he was given such a tongue bath. Maybe the judges want another male winner after the sterling sales of Joe McElderry.

Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasures - 'I'm good at being bad'

Janet Devlin is gone
Somewhere Vickers removes pins,
Laughs so viciously

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Let's all go the lobby!'

1. LITTLE MIX – They did one of my favourite songs. And they sounded good! There’s never any harm in a bit of En Vogue. I love when the X Factor has 90s RnB. Like when Eoghan did Mariah. Or Alexandra unbroke my heart. This is the new direction for Little Mix, I’ve decided. Next week they should do The Boy Is Mine and punch each other.

2. JANET – The Irish beauty/The celtic bore took on Kiss Me – another one of my favourite songs. And a dear friend’s wedding song. It is not boring but it is predictable. She sounds exactly like Vickers and Goulding who in turn sound exactly like Sixpence None the Richer because they spent their impressionable years listening to Kiss Me like I did.

3. AMELIA - tried a rocked out version of Aretha. Well rocked out in the way that One Direction used to rock out, so that every song sounds like Since U Been Gone. I can’t get over how rough and hard and old Amelia looks. Is it from botox or daddy issues?
In other news, Tulisa didn’t think that Think is a well-known song because she doesn’t know it. Surely Think is better known than any N Dubz song? Or any Joe McElderry song?

4. MARCUS - I was told he was doing a song from Sister Act. I was desperately looking forward to Hail Holy Queen or My Guy. Either would have been hilarious. Instead, he tried one of Steve Brookstein’s signature songs. The gospel choir are fun as is the pink suit but the song bores me profoundly. And the staging makes Marcus look very West End.

5. MISHA B – Manchester’s favourite bully bleated a Jennifer Hudson impression of a Whitney Houston song. It’s a little like when you photocopy something twice and the ink gets thinner and you pick up lots of little black specks that weren’t there to start with.

6. CRAIG – When they announced Craig was taking on Bond, I wrote in my notes ‘A bond classic? Goldfinger? Could he get gayer? Oh wait. It’s gladys knight. Much butcher.’
Kelly praised him for always bringing a vocal. Is the bar set that low? Well done for turning up and singing rather than filling out a tax return.

Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Who cares what picture you see!'

Watching these losers
Sing all my favourite songs:
Kiss feels like a punch

Thex Factor - Queen and Lady Gaga - 'Don't be a drag, just be a queen'

1. Marcus – that was ridiculously good. Though I have to worry about him always wearing suits and having a quiff up front and a harem of male dancers behind. It reminds me too much of Ray Quinn. He’ll end up in a touring production of Grease and it’ll be his own fault!

2. Amelia – I still have her absurd cover of Billie Jean on my Ipod. She was unlucky to be voted off the first week so Ihave no great issue with her coming back. The yelping near the end was very off so she misses out on top place just this once. Also shes just so hard.

3. Janet – lovely and not as boring as they said. I liked the yelping and it was infinitely more in tune than her so-scary-she’s-a-stalker’s-stalker cover of The Police.

4. Little Mix – When I used to blog at length, I would write about the contestants’ VTs. I don’t have the energy to do that again this year as I’d have to concentrate when Marcus and Craig witter on about nothing. But I do want to mention the girls’ VT as it featured a rank-looking goat curry made by Tulisa. I love that she makes goat curry and ting.
Little Mix’s Gaga cover rocked as they’re not afraid to sound a bit wonky and whore around. Which is the secret to a Gaga performance. Well done girls!

5. Misha B – I did not enjoy this slowed-down dulled-up Gaga cover. I want Misha with the extreme hair and make up and shrill wailing. I didn’t care it made her look like a bitchy alien. This full-voiced frizzy-haired woman is no fun. Louis compared her to Chaka Khan or Jackie Chan – it wasn’t clear.

6. Craig - A ballady Gaga. A boringy Gaga too. Craig should’ve camped it up like last week. Or sung an actual ballad like You and I or Queen’s The Show Must Go On.

7. Kitty - the only Queen song I definitely don’t like. Yuk! Her enunciation is no better than Goldie’s. I guess it’s just less funny because she’s not Chinese. It was her time to go.

Thex Factor - Queen and Lady Gaga - 'All we hear is Radio Gaga'

Janet Devlin slayed
Technical issues delayed
Pink haired ho returned

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'It's not over, not over, not over yet'

1. Marcus - Reet Petite was pretty cool. Except for all the references to SHE being fine.

2. Misha - I miss the crazy Gaga Grace Jones make up but she still has a good voice.

3. The Risk - I thought the white singers and the verses were good. But that left a lot of not-so-good. I didn't think they deserved to go but I'm not crying into my porridge.

4. Little Mix - it took me a good minute and a half to work out what song this was. Damn you Rihanna and your five similar hits a year!

5. Craig - his DJ Sammy cover was passable and in tune. He should've done the candelight mix though.

6. Kitty - she's very nasal and stilted this week. She sings like a French exchange student. It's in English but it's a series of sounds, not words.

7. Janet - there was bogling and mind-boggling hair. Like she'd just bought some straighteners from Superdrug but the manual was in Polish. It was all very wedding singer-y. And she was singing about girls too. The big lezzer!

8. Johnny - He tried the old Wagner trick of singing two songs. It got him eliminated.

9. Frankie - all I wrote in my notes was 'the vest, eww'

Thex Factor - Club classics - 'I got the power!

Club classics week. Sigh
It did not make me dance much
It made me seasick

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'I'm a motherfucking monster'

1. Misha B – She’s bold. She bullies. She bottom two’d it up real nice.

2. Craig – I liked the drums with fiery rain. I can’t remember his performance that well now. I think he may be the new Joe McE.

3. Sophie – She wisely chose to whisper most of it.

4. Kitty – she had a Catherine wheel. The week before Bonfire Night. Mistimed, if not misjudged.

5. Little Mix – in descending order, I liked the staging, the make up, the song choice. Oh and the performance last.

6. Janet – she is not showing off the best of her voice.

7. Marcus – mash up respect bootleg alert! Perhaps he did one as a tribute to Cher Lloyd - the queen of the mash up respect bootleg.

8. Johnny – this should have been girlier but it was fine.

9. Frankie – I’m not sure whether I preferred the very loud backing vocals or the Chas & Dave accent.

10. The Risk – Charlie should do all the singing. Accidents like this happen when he doesn’t

Thex Factor - Halloween - 'Show me your teeth'

They all got dressed up
Alexandra tran style rules
Tulisa's ears - yuk

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I know it's only rock n roll'

1. Misha B - this was not as good as Beautiful Spanish Ruth but it was the performance of the night

2. Johnny - this was brilliant and mad and excellently sung. The other 10 were not. Johnny is, was and shall forever be

3. Kitty - she is not as bonkers as she could still be but this was brilliantly sung

4. The Risk - Gnarls Barkley is not rock

5. Craig - this was not boring but it was not as good as Leona's cover of the same. Progress at least

6. Janet - this is not interesting any more

7. Frankie - it is not easy ranking this douchebag so high

8. Sami - Cher is not to be covered like this

9. Sophie - big notes are not her friends

10 Marcus - dancing with girls is not the same as being straight

11. Rhythmix - Ke$ha is not rock. This was not good

Thex Factor - Rock - 'I wanna rock, ROCK, rock, ROCK'

Bullies were called out
Barlows were nasty, spiteful
Best show by a mile

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'I learned the way to break a heart'

1. Kitty - funny and weird and excellently-staged, if not sung, Kitty ruled the night

2. Johnny - at least he made me laugh

3. Janet - at least she made me smile

4. Rhytmix - last week, I liked the ropey boy bands. This week it's the girl turn to be better than they really should

5. Misha B - A Charles & Eddie cover? If I tweeted, I'd just write #wtf. What will she do next week? Chaka Demus and Pliers?

6. The Risk - the new favourites to win are just a bit boring for my tastes

7. Sophia - the new underdog to win was just a bit boring for my tastes

8. Sami - her career ambition is to be a loose woman. Her ambitions are smaller than
most, but still unattainable

9. Marcus - Gary needs to choose a direction for Marcus fast, not just give him recent hits to sing reasonably well

10. Craig - fat like Sami, gay like Marcus but even less fun than both. That's a sad tale

11. Nu Vibe - I think they are little better than Frankie but they were never going to last. No great loss

12. Frankie - I have never liked this man or any of his performances. But I like that he almost made Goo Goo Dolls reach #1. Maybe that's why God has let him stay another week

Thex Factor - Love and heartache - 'Love hurts'

I watched the show drunk.
It wasn't any better,
Only confusing.

Can you name every X Factor finalist every year?

I could name all but three with help.

I forgot Beverley Trotman, Lloyd Daniels and (ouch) James Michael from a week ago.

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'You don't have to wear that dress tonight'

1. Janet – has Florence hair! And Sean Connery’s lisp! But still has Diana Vicker’s hiccups! Hurrah – she’s Super Janet!

2. Mischa – she’s crazy and angry and beastly and I like it

3. Sophie – a little sleepy but I like the Norah Jones tone. Music to reduce risotto stock to!

4. Amelia – yes, she looks like a ho and has a mouth like the Joker but I liked this cover, which seemed straight off Glee

5. The Risk – why do I like the boybands so much? This was full of life and harmonies

6. Nu Vibe – why do I like the boybands so much? Two of these ones aren’t ugly

7. Kitty – It was a bit weird and very flawed but quite fascinating. Much like Kitty herself.

8. Craig – they’re making him lose all the weight. This performance reached Kitty levels of uncomfortable when he started faking tears.

9. Marcus – ha! He was in Eton Road! I loved them and saw them sing and have plastic glasses thrown at them.

10. Sami – ha! She’s fat! But much more likable than Big Fat Mary

11. Frankie – very breathy, like a stalker. He ranks highly because at least the song wasn’t awful

12. Rhythmix – very breathy, like a bag of cats. It ranks highly because at least the song was by Nicki Minaj

13. 2 Shoes – this was not totes amaze. It was a bit shit. The karaoke comments were right

14. James – easily the dullest performance of the night, possibly the series

15. Johnny – the spangly tinfoil suit, the presence of Chippendales, the absence of vocoder. This Cher cover was a shocker.

16. Jonjo – you know if it’d been a public vote, this working class soldier would have sailed through

Thex Factor - US/UK - 'Put on the red light'

Loving the shock twist
Hating Amelia’s hair
She looks like a ho

Rankings to follow

Thex Factor - Judges' Homes - 'Hey hey, hey, on the beach, on the beach'

Gary made some bad calls.
Kelly likes teenage slappers
But not the obese.

Thex Factor - Boot camp - 'No alarms and no surprises'

Of course Janet ruled
And of course Goldie bemused
And Louis Louis-ed

Thex Factor - Auditions 6 & 7 - 'We can make a freakshow'

Scally boy wowed all
Expelled from 3 schools, he says
Read: given lines once

Ceri came back again
Not as funny the fourth time,
Now she’s clearly ill

Thex Factor - Auditions 5 - 'Oh we got trouble'

A haiku about last night's episode which blurred in my mind so much with the day before's episode that my haiku can't get too specific


Winner is awol.
So’s Gary Barlow’s boss eye,
Tulisa’s last name

Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And I'm like fuck you'

A haiku about last night's 'why don't you audition on your own' drama that happens every year:

She felt so guilty,
had to leave her friends behind.
Then sang 'Forget You'

Ha!

Thex Factor - Auditions 3 - 'Spend your life in sin and misery'

They liked Master Tub,
Sent the aged rocker through.
This does not bode well.

Thex Factor - Audition 2 - 'Your looks are laughable, unphotographable'

A recap in haikus...


Old Gay troubled me
A glimpse of my future self?
Let us all pray not

SuBo set the trend
You have to be dead ugly
To stand a chance here

Thex Factor – Audition 1 - 'You can't stop lookin' at me'

In the world of twitter, and riots arranged by messages no longer than a sentence, it seems illogical to write essays on each episode that are thousands of words long.

Plus I now have a very profitable sideline making cantalopue body butters and thrush cream out of tree bark.

So instead I offer to you, faithful fans, far shorter but no less snarky recaps.


* Tulisa off of N Dubz is so famous she doesn’t need a last name. Like Cher. Or Beyonce. Either that or the producers can’t spell or pronounce her last name.

* I liked Janet, the mini-Vickers, and her Ellie Goulding cover. But then I am a sucker for coos and yelps and pleasant wailing. A lot of fuss was made about her shyness. How long do we have to wait to find out about her secret record deal?

*Liam showed his bum and it was hard to tell whether it was pixelated or whether he doesn’t have a crack or hair like any normal person. I also enjoyed the domestic abuse/incest banter he had with Gary Barlow about showing grandkids his bum. It was the best domestic abuse/incest banter I think we’ve ever had on this show.

* Kitty reminded me a lot of Katie Wasshole from last year. The sitting on stage. The ugliness. The weirdness.

* There was a Tai Chi instructor who vomited offstage then whored around on stage. I liked how she gave Louis Walsh a bit of a lapdance. She didn’t want to treat him any different to a real man. Good for her.

* Scumbag auditionee George ‘attacked’ Tulisa. This was all staged, from the moment Tulisa glared at George and said ‘I know you’ even though he was shown for about a minute two years ago. But it still had the possibility that actual blows would be dealt. Do you remember George from a few years ago? He was in an N-Dubz style band who were very much against thuggery. Then they threw a mic and were rude. This year, he said he was a changed man and lacked the temper. Then loomed over the judges, shouted and called Tulisa a scumbag who couldn’t replace Cheryl, even though Tulisa’s criminal record is probably far cleaner than Tweedy’s. People’s favourite Dermot then shouted ‘watch yer mouth’ a lot in a way that was far more threatening than anything George did. It was so confusing – you didn’t know the scumbags were and who the virtuous ITV employees were.

Kisses,
Thexy