Thex Factor is in mourning for Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. She was the best this week. Then the public voted and their votes said 'she should fuck off home.' To repeat, this is a sad day.
On the plus side, it is a very special blog with MANY guest columnists. It is my Manchester bloggers' blog week. The recap is going to be hilarious and fit. Or: '1 girl 4 guys guest columnist panties schoolboy'. Either way.
Saturday 29 November 2008
Wednesday 26 November 2008
Thex Factor 6 - Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. It was Take That week
You remember them? If you can't, the montage of good songs and bad hair would have helped you.
The two most famous ones that aren’t Robbie do masterclasses and all four got to sing a song. The masterclasses were orated by Gary and Mark who 'tell it like it is' according to a VT. They tell two contestants to shut up. This was brilliant and means their masterclasses exceed even Will Young’s ones for non-aggressive meanness.
In terms of their guest spot, I don't love the song – and I was always more of an East 17 fan so I’m not overcome by Take That nostalgia – but I enjoyed the performance. Mark did the most dancing or bouncing along to the song. Gary did the most singing and had eyebrow troubles: one was dancing and the other was quietly dying. I'm not sure what emotion this was meant to convey.
Fittingly, singing songs by a group of men brings out the tranny in most of the contestants. Diana is the only contestant who consistently looks like she was born female this week.
2. There were celebrity guests other than Take That.
There was Same Difference who continue to be very jolly. We are told they offer 'unadulterated joy' to the world and I have to agree. Louis can't pronounce unadulterated, which brings yet more unadulterated joy the world. Their song is called We R One, which is a bit too semantically close to 2 Become 1 for me. You're brother and sister. Stop it. They appear to be miming but the dancing does look strenuous. Louis says they're amazing and S.D. are happy in a dated, naff, honest and wonderful way. I wish them well.
Rhydian was a little less happy even though he got a montage about how good he is and Same Difference didn’t. Diva. He has strange, staring eyes, which makes me miss Mariah and her dead eyes yet more. The hair is no better than it was last year but the singing is good. The whole popera movement annoys me but I've no beef with Rhydian. I wish him well.
3. We have a guest columnist.
His name is William – or Will for short – and I went to primary school with him. We both had FIERCE hair back then. He would like for there to be a Scooter week and he has bizarre views on Rachel. Bizarre in the sense that they are often positive views.
There are still vacancies. Apply via e-mail.
4. Dannii cried hot tears.
Apparently there's a rota where the judges get the first-pick of songs for their acts. Dannii had first pick because she it was her turn. This was too complicated for Louis Walsh.
He was upset because JLS wanted to sing Rule The World. He called Dannii a thief on TV and her voice cracked then she wept without moving her face. Simon defended her and Cheryl grinned the whole time, like she was watching a happyslap on someone's mobile.
On with the rankings…
1. RUTH – 'Baby do the conga, no you can't resist the feeling any longer'
On her VT, we are reminded of Ruth's awesomeness last week where she was the only contestant who was neither rubbish nor boring. She's singing one of Take That's less known songs (i.e. one that didn’t get to #1) and gets to meet them. They tell her in about three different ways to stop shouting and ruining their song. GB Gary Barlow compares Ruth's singing style to GBH. We then hear vocal couch Yvie saying Ruth should stop shouting and Simon saying she'll struggle to stop shouting.
I think they're all being very silly. Who doesn't like a good shout? It's primal scream therapy. It's why Ruth is so beautiful and Spanish all the time – because she lets it all out.
There is still a fair bit of shouting but each individual shout is impressive and expressive. She shouts at the right times for the right lengths and turns a Take That ballad into something frightening and exhilarating.
The judges like me enjoyed the perfect balance of shouting and singing. Louis said it was faultless; Cheryl, inspirational; Simon, sensational. Dermot called her a beautiful Spanish omelette. Universal praise!
During the moody, dramatic results, Ruth had a bit of a tache on all the close-ups. Eoghan looked jealous. This was the best part of tranny week. I’m still disappointed in her for letting herself go though. I won't call her Beautiful Spanish Ruth for a week as punishment.
[Ruth seems to be getting closer to her ultimate goal of becoming Meat Loaf. Perhaps Meat Loaf in Fight Club where he has heaving bosoms? The judges talk about Ruth's passion again. This ethnic stereotyping is getting pretty old. To be fair it's not hard to appear passionate in comparison to Danni whose face is so immobile she can't show emotion and Cheryl who seems to think everything is lovely. Perhaps Cheryl saves up the passion for nightclub attendants? – Will]
[She was going to pay for them lollipops – Thex]
2. ALEXANDRA – 'I know all there is to know about the crying game'
Alex's VT starts happily enough with talk of her Best of British week success. She says it 'literally felt like she’d died and gone to Heaven.' Blasphemy aside, this is dumb. Louis Walsh wouldn't be anywhere near you if you were in Heaven.
Cheeky Take That boys Gary and Mark tell Alex she's very good but needs to shut the fuck up when she's not doing her two and half minutes of singing. To 'protect her instrument,' they say. Or they just want her to spout less drivel.
The VT then takes on a dramatic turn when we learn that Alex will have to sing and dance at the same time this week. This is apparently some great Olympian feat, that she'll probably fail to achieve, even though she's already done this three times by my count. Maybe it is very tricky and there is the need for all this VT drama. I would struggle to write this blog and dance at the same time after all. (Plus, I watched a repeat of Top Model where a girl was praised for her ability to walk and talk at the same time. I guess it's all relative.) But still - it seems like they're trying to invent some problem that isn't there.
The performance is very strong, particularly for an opening act. Her tone is rich and full like a Gastropub stew. She has drag queen hair though, which stretches her face and gives it very manly lumps and dimensions. Her mini dress also has more shiny bits than a born-woman could stand. Couple this with the fact that her voice is naturally hoarse and it probably was the tranniest I've ever seen a good-looking girl look. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. Sack the stylist.
Dannii is a bit of a Negative Nelly but the other 3 are very positive. None of them say 'Dude looks like a lady' so they’re obviously in good spirits. The always right Simon Cowell said it was one of the best versions of Relight My Fire he'd ever heard. There's been about 3 versions I think so that was weak praise. There is more talk of Alex shaking what her Momma gave her. Bitch needs to learn some new slang.
[This was an excellent performance but I think I want to go back to the old Leona-like, android Alexandra. Her attempts to sass the judges were embarrassing. – Will]
3. DIANA – 'I’m goin' down, I'm goin’ down'
As Diana couldn't meet Mariah Carey, she was doubly happy to meet the most famous ones from Take That that aren't Robbie. Gary gives her his phone number because he wants to sign her. Well, this is the reason he gives and I've no reason to mistrust him. The best part of her VT was that its backing track was the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. She talks funny and has big hair, yes, but she's not a pirate. This music choice was bizarre.
The verses of Diana's Patience are very good but the choruses are lame. Her slump into mediocrity breaks my Vickers-loving heart. Her voice is thoroughly drowned out by the backing track and the backing singers. Which begs the question: why have backing singers? Isn't the whole point of Diana that she’s folksy and acoustic? She rallies towards the end with strange noises and hauntingly pleasant wailing but it's still not great. I'm worried that she’s peaked too early. I said this about Leona though so I'm no Simon Cowell.
The judges are full of praise. Louis praises her for making the song sound contemporary. The song she did is not even 2 years old so this was either silly praise or a subtle Take That diss. Simon Cowell said he enjoyed the odd noises and Cheryl calls him Mrs. Cowell. I love that the gay jokes are coming from her now as well as from the men.
The best Diana moment this week came on the results show when she said she's 'had a taste of what her life could be like' and doesn’t want it to end. Showing your pants and yelping in front of millions sounds like a laugh so who can blame her!
[Diana has the most annoying speaking voice, emphasising seemingly random bits of words. Her singing is starting to grate too. I still like the Chewbacca-meets-Cranberries warbles but her inability to pronounce simple words is baffling. She really struggled to say the word Patience which is a quite big problem in a song where it's the most common word. I think this happens because she doesn't know many words and the production team have to write the song out phonetically for her. – Will]
[She couldn't say Smile either. Or Hallelujah. Couldn't someone check she can pronounce the title before giving her the song? – Thex]
4. EOGHAN – 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy'
Eoghan is very red-faced on his VT. Has he come straight from a wank? He looks bizarre. He tells us he has always been a huge Take That fan. He was 3 when they had their biggest hits so I call VT bullshit. He misses out the high notes during his boy band masterclass because he can't hit them. Gary tells him off for being a big wimp and makes him try them anyway. He struggles.
On stage, he lets the backing track do the high notes for him. Ha! I think this was a wonderful move and is even better because he's completely ignored Gary’s bad advice. Though only a fool would question Simon or Gary, I'm not sure why anyone would give Eoghan a song made up of notes he can't hit. The belting is very nice. They should have given him a song that involved mainly belting. It isn't hard.
Eoghan has gangsta chains and his hair is inexplicable. Dannii looks watery when watching him. There is a children's choir who sing the children's choir bit. Many of its members are taller than Eoghan.
Louis Walsh calls him Quiglet. Ha! Louis thinks he looks like a red-faced pig. Cheryl lusts for him though to make up for it and Simon sees pound signs. I grow increasingly anxious he'll win. Diana needs to get back up to standard sharpish to stop this.
[Eoghan was great again. I'm not sure if he's a Popstar but he can definitely sing. It was clear this week how much makeup they put on him for his performances, as in the VTs he looks about 12. My flatmate is very confused. She doesn't know whether she wants to mother him or sleep with him. Or perhaps both in some kind of Oedipal way? – Will]
5. JLS – ‘And as for fortune, and as for fame, I never invited them in’
People are calling them Jack the Lad Swing again. Jesus wept.
At their masterclass, the badass members of JLS are told not to hate each other. Or rather 'look after each other' because 'if one [badass boyband member] breaks away, it's all over.' Or it’s all over until you do a reunion tour, release a song called Patience and then become more successful than you were the first time. It's odd advice from the Take That boys, based so vaguely on real experience.
JLS do A Million Love Songs. I find the original boring so having it rehashed every year or so on this show doesn’t work for me. Shayne and Leona both did it better.
The performance is OK. The little one sings most of it and begins with a very thin voice. The moody growling kicks in after the first chorus and the vocals generally improve. That said, the little one's sex faces during the moody growling added nothing to my life.
The judges are positive but not too effusive. Simon backtracks from saying JLS are the show’s best band ever and instead says they are 'one of the best.' He clearly did this so as not to offend Same Difference, who are another band from this show and who were in the building. But also – Ha! It is the beginning of the end when Simon's praise becomes less ridiculous and overblown as the weeks go on.
JLS are in the bottom two and are very gallant. I think the sex faces are to blame. Louis introduces them as 4 of the 'nicest' people he knows. This doesn’t sway me. Louis clearly prefers the company of bitches. They sing a strange mash-up of Stand By Me and Beautiful Girls. Just like the mormon did on American Idol this spring. There’s nothing more badass than mormon covers of reggae-lite in the minds of JLS!
The bits that are Stand By Me are pleasant and the bits that are Beautiful Girls are rubbish. I think this may have something to do with the varying quality of both songs. They end by changing the words from 'Stand By Me' to 'Stand By JLS.' This is up there with ‘That’s Life – Westlife’ on my all-time list of brilliant lyric changes. Only it's far more desperate.
JLS stay but they can’t win now. No winner of this show has ever been in the bottom two (and half of the runner-ups kept a clean record too). Plus, they were bottom two on boy band week, despite being a boy band. They’ll take the bronze at best.
[JLS were decent but their real purpose was to serve as the intro to the highlight of the evening: the Louis-Dannii cat fight. I maintain that Dannii wasn't in fact crying but had had some kind of injury and was leaking botox. I'm sure the doctors will patch her up in time for next week. The amazing thing about the whole scene was that despite Dannii appearing to be a bit distressed, Louis was grinning like an idiot throughout. Perhaps he sold his soul in return for a night of passion with Westlife's Mark Feehily? - Will]
[To protect the blog from libel, I have Googled Westlife and Mark is in fact the gay one with the big lips. Who knew! What I want to know is: Why was there all this drama about Rule The World anyway when better songs like Back for Good went untouched? – Thex]
6. RACHEL – 'Ding dong. The witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch!'
Rachel is introduced by her weeping mentor Dannii Minogue, fresh from being called a thief by Louis. The VT is miserable, focusing on Rachel's struggles and general unpopularity. She says being in the bottom two felt like someone 'kicked me in my guts.' Rubbish. She was grinning and bouncing and allegedly doing gun crime hand gestures at that poor widower last week. She loved it. I once again call VT bullshit. Louis says Rachel has 'no likability.' Ha! That was mean even by this show’s standards.
The verses are OK – 4 out of 10 OK – because she’s swapped in the foghorn noises for singing, even if it's not great singing. The choruses involve the most unpleasant wailing. There are also acrobats hanging from red sheets. It's unclear why and serves to highlight how empty the singing part of the performance is. Worst performance of the year.
The judges are positive about this mess. I'm past caring why. Dannii weeps some more.
She's in the bottom two. She's singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (which you may have noted that I quoted last week for the Rachel part of this blog.) She calls it I'm Not Leaving by Dreamgirls. So does Dannii. Show some respect for the music, ladies. Please.
The song features the lyrics 'Yeah, I’ll scream and shout' which Rachel takes to heart. She makes bizarre, ugly noises and pulls trannified, ugly faces. The whole thing is dreadful and features a silly high note. She goes and justice is served. Though there remains the injustice of the nicer, better people leaving sooner.
[Rachel put in a quality performance but it's clear the public have it in for her. The judges told her that she has 'soul.' I half expected them to carry on by telling her to get back to the plantation and eat some chicken wings. More crude stereotyping. I'm a big fan of Rachel the judges were right when they said she was patchy. It was sad to see Rachel go after a pretty amazing go at that song from Dreamgirls but they were always going to put JLS through. - Will]
[A final thought: Her best bits montage struggled to find many positive comments from the judges and couldn’t help but show her shouting every week. Not beautiful, Spanish shouting. Bad shouting. – Thex]
In other news, my Mum calls Rhydian ‘my Rhydian.’ We’re not far off from him being called the son she never had. Are we?
1. It was Take That week
You remember them? If you can't, the montage of good songs and bad hair would have helped you.
The two most famous ones that aren’t Robbie do masterclasses and all four got to sing a song. The masterclasses were orated by Gary and Mark who 'tell it like it is' according to a VT. They tell two contestants to shut up. This was brilliant and means their masterclasses exceed even Will Young’s ones for non-aggressive meanness.
In terms of their guest spot, I don't love the song – and I was always more of an East 17 fan so I’m not overcome by Take That nostalgia – but I enjoyed the performance. Mark did the most dancing or bouncing along to the song. Gary did the most singing and had eyebrow troubles: one was dancing and the other was quietly dying. I'm not sure what emotion this was meant to convey.
Fittingly, singing songs by a group of men brings out the tranny in most of the contestants. Diana is the only contestant who consistently looks like she was born female this week.
2. There were celebrity guests other than Take That.
There was Same Difference who continue to be very jolly. We are told they offer 'unadulterated joy' to the world and I have to agree. Louis can't pronounce unadulterated, which brings yet more unadulterated joy the world. Their song is called We R One, which is a bit too semantically close to 2 Become 1 for me. You're brother and sister. Stop it. They appear to be miming but the dancing does look strenuous. Louis says they're amazing and S.D. are happy in a dated, naff, honest and wonderful way. I wish them well.
Rhydian was a little less happy even though he got a montage about how good he is and Same Difference didn’t. Diva. He has strange, staring eyes, which makes me miss Mariah and her dead eyes yet more. The hair is no better than it was last year but the singing is good. The whole popera movement annoys me but I've no beef with Rhydian. I wish him well.
3. We have a guest columnist.
His name is William – or Will for short – and I went to primary school with him. We both had FIERCE hair back then. He would like for there to be a Scooter week and he has bizarre views on Rachel. Bizarre in the sense that they are often positive views.
There are still vacancies. Apply via e-mail.
4. Dannii cried hot tears.
Apparently there's a rota where the judges get the first-pick of songs for their acts. Dannii had first pick because she it was her turn. This was too complicated for Louis Walsh.
He was upset because JLS wanted to sing Rule The World. He called Dannii a thief on TV and her voice cracked then she wept without moving her face. Simon defended her and Cheryl grinned the whole time, like she was watching a happyslap on someone's mobile.
On with the rankings…
1. RUTH – 'Baby do the conga, no you can't resist the feeling any longer'
On her VT, we are reminded of Ruth's awesomeness last week where she was the only contestant who was neither rubbish nor boring. She's singing one of Take That's less known songs (i.e. one that didn’t get to #1) and gets to meet them. They tell her in about three different ways to stop shouting and ruining their song. GB Gary Barlow compares Ruth's singing style to GBH. We then hear vocal couch Yvie saying Ruth should stop shouting and Simon saying she'll struggle to stop shouting.
I think they're all being very silly. Who doesn't like a good shout? It's primal scream therapy. It's why Ruth is so beautiful and Spanish all the time – because she lets it all out.
There is still a fair bit of shouting but each individual shout is impressive and expressive. She shouts at the right times for the right lengths and turns a Take That ballad into something frightening and exhilarating.
The judges like me enjoyed the perfect balance of shouting and singing. Louis said it was faultless; Cheryl, inspirational; Simon, sensational. Dermot called her a beautiful Spanish omelette. Universal praise!
During the moody, dramatic results, Ruth had a bit of a tache on all the close-ups. Eoghan looked jealous. This was the best part of tranny week. I’m still disappointed in her for letting herself go though. I won't call her Beautiful Spanish Ruth for a week as punishment.
[Ruth seems to be getting closer to her ultimate goal of becoming Meat Loaf. Perhaps Meat Loaf in Fight Club where he has heaving bosoms? The judges talk about Ruth's passion again. This ethnic stereotyping is getting pretty old. To be fair it's not hard to appear passionate in comparison to Danni whose face is so immobile she can't show emotion and Cheryl who seems to think everything is lovely. Perhaps Cheryl saves up the passion for nightclub attendants? – Will]
[She was going to pay for them lollipops – Thex]
2. ALEXANDRA – 'I know all there is to know about the crying game'
Alex's VT starts happily enough with talk of her Best of British week success. She says it 'literally felt like she’d died and gone to Heaven.' Blasphemy aside, this is dumb. Louis Walsh wouldn't be anywhere near you if you were in Heaven.
Cheeky Take That boys Gary and Mark tell Alex she's very good but needs to shut the fuck up when she's not doing her two and half minutes of singing. To 'protect her instrument,' they say. Or they just want her to spout less drivel.
The VT then takes on a dramatic turn when we learn that Alex will have to sing and dance at the same time this week. This is apparently some great Olympian feat, that she'll probably fail to achieve, even though she's already done this three times by my count. Maybe it is very tricky and there is the need for all this VT drama. I would struggle to write this blog and dance at the same time after all. (Plus, I watched a repeat of Top Model where a girl was praised for her ability to walk and talk at the same time. I guess it's all relative.) But still - it seems like they're trying to invent some problem that isn't there.
The performance is very strong, particularly for an opening act. Her tone is rich and full like a Gastropub stew. She has drag queen hair though, which stretches her face and gives it very manly lumps and dimensions. Her mini dress also has more shiny bits than a born-woman could stand. Couple this with the fact that her voice is naturally hoarse and it probably was the tranniest I've ever seen a good-looking girl look. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. Sack the stylist.
Dannii is a bit of a Negative Nelly but the other 3 are very positive. None of them say 'Dude looks like a lady' so they’re obviously in good spirits. The always right Simon Cowell said it was one of the best versions of Relight My Fire he'd ever heard. There's been about 3 versions I think so that was weak praise. There is more talk of Alex shaking what her Momma gave her. Bitch needs to learn some new slang.
[This was an excellent performance but I think I want to go back to the old Leona-like, android Alexandra. Her attempts to sass the judges were embarrassing. – Will]
3. DIANA – 'I’m goin' down, I'm goin’ down'
As Diana couldn't meet Mariah Carey, she was doubly happy to meet the most famous ones from Take That that aren't Robbie. Gary gives her his phone number because he wants to sign her. Well, this is the reason he gives and I've no reason to mistrust him. The best part of her VT was that its backing track was the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. She talks funny and has big hair, yes, but she's not a pirate. This music choice was bizarre.
The verses of Diana's Patience are very good but the choruses are lame. Her slump into mediocrity breaks my Vickers-loving heart. Her voice is thoroughly drowned out by the backing track and the backing singers. Which begs the question: why have backing singers? Isn't the whole point of Diana that she’s folksy and acoustic? She rallies towards the end with strange noises and hauntingly pleasant wailing but it's still not great. I'm worried that she’s peaked too early. I said this about Leona though so I'm no Simon Cowell.
The judges are full of praise. Louis praises her for making the song sound contemporary. The song she did is not even 2 years old so this was either silly praise or a subtle Take That diss. Simon Cowell said he enjoyed the odd noises and Cheryl calls him Mrs. Cowell. I love that the gay jokes are coming from her now as well as from the men.
The best Diana moment this week came on the results show when she said she's 'had a taste of what her life could be like' and doesn’t want it to end. Showing your pants and yelping in front of millions sounds like a laugh so who can blame her!
[Diana has the most annoying speaking voice, emphasising seemingly random bits of words. Her singing is starting to grate too. I still like the Chewbacca-meets-Cranberries warbles but her inability to pronounce simple words is baffling. She really struggled to say the word Patience which is a quite big problem in a song where it's the most common word. I think this happens because she doesn't know many words and the production team have to write the song out phonetically for her. – Will]
[She couldn't say Smile either. Or Hallelujah. Couldn't someone check she can pronounce the title before giving her the song? – Thex]
4. EOGHAN – 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy'
Eoghan is very red-faced on his VT. Has he come straight from a wank? He looks bizarre. He tells us he has always been a huge Take That fan. He was 3 when they had their biggest hits so I call VT bullshit. He misses out the high notes during his boy band masterclass because he can't hit them. Gary tells him off for being a big wimp and makes him try them anyway. He struggles.
On stage, he lets the backing track do the high notes for him. Ha! I think this was a wonderful move and is even better because he's completely ignored Gary’s bad advice. Though only a fool would question Simon or Gary, I'm not sure why anyone would give Eoghan a song made up of notes he can't hit. The belting is very nice. They should have given him a song that involved mainly belting. It isn't hard.
Eoghan has gangsta chains and his hair is inexplicable. Dannii looks watery when watching him. There is a children's choir who sing the children's choir bit. Many of its members are taller than Eoghan.
Louis Walsh calls him Quiglet. Ha! Louis thinks he looks like a red-faced pig. Cheryl lusts for him though to make up for it and Simon sees pound signs. I grow increasingly anxious he'll win. Diana needs to get back up to standard sharpish to stop this.
[Eoghan was great again. I'm not sure if he's a Popstar but he can definitely sing. It was clear this week how much makeup they put on him for his performances, as in the VTs he looks about 12. My flatmate is very confused. She doesn't know whether she wants to mother him or sleep with him. Or perhaps both in some kind of Oedipal way? – Will]
5. JLS – ‘And as for fortune, and as for fame, I never invited them in’
People are calling them Jack the Lad Swing again. Jesus wept.
At their masterclass, the badass members of JLS are told not to hate each other. Or rather 'look after each other' because 'if one [badass boyband member] breaks away, it's all over.' Or it’s all over until you do a reunion tour, release a song called Patience and then become more successful than you were the first time. It's odd advice from the Take That boys, based so vaguely on real experience.
JLS do A Million Love Songs. I find the original boring so having it rehashed every year or so on this show doesn’t work for me. Shayne and Leona both did it better.
The performance is OK. The little one sings most of it and begins with a very thin voice. The moody growling kicks in after the first chorus and the vocals generally improve. That said, the little one's sex faces during the moody growling added nothing to my life.
The judges are positive but not too effusive. Simon backtracks from saying JLS are the show’s best band ever and instead says they are 'one of the best.' He clearly did this so as not to offend Same Difference, who are another band from this show and who were in the building. But also – Ha! It is the beginning of the end when Simon's praise becomes less ridiculous and overblown as the weeks go on.
JLS are in the bottom two and are very gallant. I think the sex faces are to blame. Louis introduces them as 4 of the 'nicest' people he knows. This doesn’t sway me. Louis clearly prefers the company of bitches. They sing a strange mash-up of Stand By Me and Beautiful Girls. Just like the mormon did on American Idol this spring. There’s nothing more badass than mormon covers of reggae-lite in the minds of JLS!
The bits that are Stand By Me are pleasant and the bits that are Beautiful Girls are rubbish. I think this may have something to do with the varying quality of both songs. They end by changing the words from 'Stand By Me' to 'Stand By JLS.' This is up there with ‘That’s Life – Westlife’ on my all-time list of brilliant lyric changes. Only it's far more desperate.
JLS stay but they can’t win now. No winner of this show has ever been in the bottom two (and half of the runner-ups kept a clean record too). Plus, they were bottom two on boy band week, despite being a boy band. They’ll take the bronze at best.
[JLS were decent but their real purpose was to serve as the intro to the highlight of the evening: the Louis-Dannii cat fight. I maintain that Dannii wasn't in fact crying but had had some kind of injury and was leaking botox. I'm sure the doctors will patch her up in time for next week. The amazing thing about the whole scene was that despite Dannii appearing to be a bit distressed, Louis was grinning like an idiot throughout. Perhaps he sold his soul in return for a night of passion with Westlife's Mark Feehily? - Will]
[To protect the blog from libel, I have Googled Westlife and Mark is in fact the gay one with the big lips. Who knew! What I want to know is: Why was there all this drama about Rule The World anyway when better songs like Back for Good went untouched? – Thex]
6. RACHEL – 'Ding dong. The witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch!'
Rachel is introduced by her weeping mentor Dannii Minogue, fresh from being called a thief by Louis. The VT is miserable, focusing on Rachel's struggles and general unpopularity. She says being in the bottom two felt like someone 'kicked me in my guts.' Rubbish. She was grinning and bouncing and allegedly doing gun crime hand gestures at that poor widower last week. She loved it. I once again call VT bullshit. Louis says Rachel has 'no likability.' Ha! That was mean even by this show’s standards.
The verses are OK – 4 out of 10 OK – because she’s swapped in the foghorn noises for singing, even if it's not great singing. The choruses involve the most unpleasant wailing. There are also acrobats hanging from red sheets. It's unclear why and serves to highlight how empty the singing part of the performance is. Worst performance of the year.
The judges are positive about this mess. I'm past caring why. Dannii weeps some more.
She's in the bottom two. She's singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (which you may have noted that I quoted last week for the Rachel part of this blog.) She calls it I'm Not Leaving by Dreamgirls. So does Dannii. Show some respect for the music, ladies. Please.
The song features the lyrics 'Yeah, I’ll scream and shout' which Rachel takes to heart. She makes bizarre, ugly noises and pulls trannified, ugly faces. The whole thing is dreadful and features a silly high note. She goes and justice is served. Though there remains the injustice of the nicer, better people leaving sooner.
[Rachel put in a quality performance but it's clear the public have it in for her. The judges told her that she has 'soul.' I half expected them to carry on by telling her to get back to the plantation and eat some chicken wings. More crude stereotyping. I'm a big fan of Rachel the judges were right when they said she was patchy. It was sad to see Rachel go after a pretty amazing go at that song from Dreamgirls but they were always going to put JLS through. - Will]
[A final thought: Her best bits montage struggled to find many positive comments from the judges and couldn’t help but show her shouting every week. Not beautiful, Spanish shouting. Bad shouting. – Thex]
In other news, my Mum calls Rhydian ‘my Rhydian.’ We’re not far off from him being called the son she never had. Are we?
Sunday 23 November 2008
Recaplet - Same Difference and Same Old Shit
I love how everyone's forgotten about that fat girl going. She stole Manuel's thunder. I don't know who stole hers.
There were mentors, contestants, eliminations, tears, instances of pleasant wailing, instances of unpleasant wailing and celebrity guests.
Simon said world-class. Cheryl beamed. Dannii was a bit fake. Louis was a bit fake.
Full recap later in the week. There will be more guest columnist action.
There were mentors, contestants, eliminations, tears, instances of pleasant wailing, instances of unpleasant wailing and celebrity guests.
Simon said world-class. Cheryl beamed. Dannii was a bit fake. Louis was a bit fake.
Full recap later in the week. There will be more guest columnist action.
Thursday 20 November 2008
Thex Factor 5 - Ooh, I Wanna Die
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. Last week there was a SHOCK ELIMINATION.
Someone sang very poorly and ended up in the bottom two. Keen blog fans will note the eliminated fat girl was in my bottom two too and that’s really saying something as I’m all about the divas.
She didn’t get enough votes and then was less good than Beautiful Spanish Ruth in the sing-off. SHOCK ELIMINATION. SHOCK ELIMINATION. What a load of rubbish.
2. This week was Best of British week.
This sadly stopped Beautiful Spanish Ruth from doing any Shakira but didn’t stop her from being awesome. More on that later. The Best of British didn’t necessarily mean songs by the deceased as Amy Winehouse and Coldplay counted. I found this week a little dull: couldn’t they have done less canonical songs? A song can be very good, or even the best, without being played at everyone’s weddings and office parties.
3. There are judges, contestants and also other people that I barely mention.
There’s this presenter called Dermot who looked better with the shaved head. He says God Bless at the end of the show because he’s not doing a school assembly and so he’s allowed. He also points out that Ruth isn’t British, defends JLS, and calls the Prince of Wales Sir. He’s not a Knight; he’s a Prince. This should be clear. Dermot’s less good this series.
There’s this woman called Yvie who teaches them all how to sing and there’s this man called Brian who teaches them all how to be dance / be danced at by whorish women. More on this later. Brian says very useful things in the VTs like ‘if x struggles to sing, remember the lyrics, dance or stand there well, x’s performance will be very bad.’ It is a shame he’s not a real judge.
4. We have a guest columnist this week.
This week’s guest columnist is called Matt. We are like BFFs and everything in the way that Laura and Diana were like BFFs and everything. Except we don’t hate each other. There are vacancies for future guest columnist spots – please see the job description on the previous post.
5. Leona was on.
She was beyond awesome. She sang her cover of Run off of that Radio show where people do wacky covers. It’s a big shame she didn’t do any masterclasses because what she doesn’t know about pleasant wailing isn’t worth knowing. It was the best X Factor performance since Leona did Bleeding Love last year. She got her knees out.
[The performance was good, the knees didn't do so much for me. – Matt]
On with the rankings….
1. RUTH – ‘Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story’
Before she performs, Dannii calls her Rock Chick Ruth Lorenzo. This is not her name. Her name is Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Or Lorenzo, Lorenzo. Dannii is failing me this series.
On her VT, we see Ruth and the twins being saved. We see Ruth taken over by terrible survivor guilt because that fat girl went home. It is sweet, and further reveals that Ruth is lovely, but ultimately – whatevs – the fat girl isn’t dead. The VT also shows Ruth looking over the Beautiful Mediterranean sea and thinking about how much she likes to sing. Her heaving bosom is very concealed on the VT: I wonder if it’s because Jimmy Carr calls her Titty Spaniard on that show? Don’t hide them, Ruth. Then he wins.
She sings Angels, which I hate, but she sings it awesomely from the first line and this takes the edge off. She’s singing with a lovely but raspy tone, which makes the whole affair less MOR. The wailing is impressive and very pleasant. There’s also rather hilarious choreography which involves these interpretative dancers flailing around her, then wrapping her in sheets to make big angel wings. It’s very literal and I like the literal.
The judges love it and emphasise that she deserves to still be in the contest, SHOCK ELIMINATION notwithstanding. The figure 110% is mentioned and then Ruth weeps because she’s very grateful for everything. She’s ace. I think there should be a Best of Spanish week just for Ruth. I might start backing her to win.
[I make that a 10% week-on-week improvement for Ruth – Simon said she only gave 100% last week – how did the lazy foreign not get eliminated for that?! – Matt]
2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Easy like Sunday morning’
On her VT, Alexandra speaks of her Mariah week awesomeness and says afterwards she ‘felt like Beyonce’. Even though it was Mariah week. Ha! I wonder if Mariah spat at her or something because that was quite a diss. It was the first of many this week.
On the VT, we see Mamma Burke who gave Alex whatever she shook on disco week. We are also told that her performance will be ‘no frills’ and that this is a good thing. I’m not convinced. ‘No frills’ has echoes of ‘budget.’
She sings a ballad with about four lines and sings it very well. She has a lovely tone unlike that fat girl who was prone to making strange, shrill noises. It always stays the right side of dull but it probably strays nearer to that border than anyone would want.
Simon flirts with her because he’s single and wants a new girlfriend he’ll never marry. Alex is less scary than Sinitta so I approve of this match. Alex appears grateful and generally comes off well. She is much improved.
[The flipside is, you get funny outfits with Sinitta. I'm not sure what Alexandra brings to the table apart from being unfailingly polite, all "It was great" and "I really enjoyed it". Maybe she's been at the Leona Lewis School of Media Coaching. – Matt]
[Oh my god, your comments on Alex and Leona were so amazing. I feel really blessed and lucky. Thank you so much. - Thex]
3. JLS – ‘I love you more today than yesterday’
On their VT, JLS went home to the soundtrack of ‘You Are Not Alone’ because they were not alone. They were with people. I’ll say it again – I like the literal.
One’s Mum said ‘we’re so proud’ and her son seemed to say ‘me too’ back. Ha! Apart from that, their home visits were a bit toothless.
They’re doing a Beatles medley because they are the Other Fab Four. Double Ha! JLS are the new Beatles! Please. Louis tried this with Eton Road two years ago and only I enjoyed it.
The vocals are not bad but medleys are inherently lame and some of the transitions don’t work. The little one reveals a new talent for moody growling though so it is not a complete loss.
Dannii quite rightly said it wasn’t the right music for them as it’d never be on their album. A Beatles medley isn’t gangsta enough for JLS. Any fool can see that. Cheryl said the Beatles were the best British band ever which is a clear Girls Aloud diss. I’m sure at least one of her bandmates thinks they’re the best band ever and not just in Britain. Simon Cowell said it was gimmicky. It was my favourite of theirs because I am a sucker for moody growling. I didn’t enjoy it lots but they are third because this whole night was a bit of a bust.
[The best thing about JLS this week was after it ended, and Louis did that thing where he claps like a deranged seal. – Matt]
4. DIANA – ‘The bitch is back’
On her VT, we see Diana being ill and being a cheat and crying a lot. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. Laura to win.
Diana says she doesn’t want a free pass and wants to compete. She has moxie.
Diana goes back to school and rather awkwardly says it was ‘like looking down on her old life.’ Ohmygod she looks down on people. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. Laura to win. Sign my petition.
Diana’s performance seemed force this week. The yelping has got a bit old and she didn’t seem to know what she was singing about. Possibly because the song (Yellow) isn’t actually about anything. It picked up a bit when the pleasant wailing kicked in – and the handflapping was top drawer – but it was her worst performance yet by far.
The judges acknowledged it wasn’t her best performance or vocal. Simon said he missed her last week. As did I. The only nice comments from the judges were related to her past awesomeness rather than to tonight’s performance. Hopefully she’ll sort it out for next week.
[Diana's been one of the stronger acts up until now, but this was awful. It was like watching her channel that bint out of The Cranberries. I'd quite happily forgotten that band, thank you very much for reminding me Diana. Oh, and before the ads, Dermot said she was 'itching' to get back. I don't doubt it with that hair, god knows what's living in it. - Matt]
5. DEADWIFE – ‘Oh oh you better stop before you tear me all apart’
Deadwife is on first because they clearly want shot of him. On his VT, we learn he’s from Leyton and I will take it on trust that this place really exists. I’m confused because I thought he was Australian and not from this ‘Leyton.’ Either way, his accent is bizarre.
On his VT he hugged his Mum and Louis’s heart grew two sizes that day. Oh and Brian says if Daniel’s performance goes badly, it will be bad. True that.
He sings Tom Jones next to a car made for midgets and there is more whoring around with lady dancers. These dancers are wearing JLS-style different coloured matching outfits. It’s fair to say that Deadwife is not committing to the choreography, even when his jacket is ‘sexily’ peeled off him by the lady dancers. His vocals are a flat and wobbly, especially when he has to sing staccato.
The lady judges are positive. Louis acts like a bitter old queen. Simon said Deadwife was like ‘a drunk dad at a wedding’ but this wasn’t a bad thing. Well, it’s not until the lawsuits come.
Deadwife is in the bottom two and is a good sport about it. He sings Bridge over Troubled Water well for him but not as good as when Rhydian or Leona done it. There was some pleasant belting though.
He goes home and I’m a little sad because he hasn’t been last on the rankings that often and because that sow is still around. Plus, I’m more inclined to believe he wasn’t exploiting the backstory by choice because he hasn’t mentioned her for a while. Bye bye Daniel: you get your real name back now that you’re a civilian.
[Those dancers really didn't have any flair, but I'll blame the black hole of charisma that is Daniel for that. Cheryl's only thought was that Daniel did well to get out of the aforementioned car. - Matt]
[Ha! I know. Cheryl though beautiful and not a racist does struggle to patronise people politely. – Thex]
6. EOGHAN – ‘When I grow up, I wanna be famous’
On Eoghan’s VT, he goes back to small-town Ireland where there are no premieres, celebrity masterclasses or girls who dance. His brothers all look like him and are either very nice or very well-trained. Eoghan is scared after the SHOCK ELIMINATION last week because it shows that great singers are leaving. Oh Quigg, if the good singers are leaving, this bodes well for you. Stop your worrying.
He sings a George Michael ballad that I don’t know as it isn’t Praying for Time or any of the hilarious 90s dance ones. This song isn’t Too Funky for anyone. (Someone really should have done Too Funky. I will when I get through to the final 12.)
Eoghan sounds nervous and whispery and there is a very silly high note. That said, the belting was fine.
The judges are positive and praise Eoghan for not doing easy songs. Louis Walsh says ‘you’ll be in the final’ as if this is huge, unexpected praise. Walsh, this was established weeks ago. Probably around the time Eoghan sung that song about a pet rat. Now it’s us, now it’s we. You remember. Cheryl tells Eoghan: ‘you scare me for the final.’ Eoghan doesn’t scare me and I’m much less hard than celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. We’ll assume she means ‘I’m scared Eoghan will beat Diana or Mamma Burke’s daughter.’ I’m scared that will happen too.
[Eoghan turned X Factor tradition on its head this week by singing for his sister who has been born. That's no way to play the game, boy! Loved the VT as well, which played Home by Westlife (who are Irish) as Eoghan (who is Irish) WENT HOME! Yet more literal genius from the production team. – Matt]
7. RACHEL – ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’
Please go, you dreadful woman.
From her VT, we learn she’s doing it her way again. Because last week went so well? When she was out of tune and cried during and after the song? We also learn Rachel doesn’t live in the X Factor house because she has kids. Why did they make Daniel do it then? Hasn’t he been through enough? She’s infuriating.
She sings You Know I’m No Good, which was her audition song. It’s unfortunate she’s doing the same song as it doesn’t add to a sense that she can sing many songs well. Its title is also unfortunate what with her being in prison and what with her being no good almost every time she sings.
I watched the show with my guest columnist for this week and we both laughed when she sang her first line. The vocal doesn’t work on so many levels. It’s very affected in that she wants desperately to be Amy Winehouse. But also she’s doing weird Shirley Bassey notes. And she whores around on the judges’ table. This does not scream ‘credible recording artist.’ It screams ‘Bluecoat with an attitude’ and we already had one of them. He drank in Shayne Ward’s pub so he at least had something going for him.
Cheryl said she’d buy Rachel’s album. She has more money than sense. And there won’t be an album so it’s silly praise. Three judges love it for whatever reason and Rachel does a mad shout-out to Hackney. As you do. Louis Walsh said it was a bit Stars In Their Eyes. Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be shit.
I just don’t get it.
She’s in the bottom two and takes it better than last time. She says she’s singing ‘One Love’ by Mary J Blige, meaning she’ll be singing ‘One’ by U2. Ha! Bono diss!
She does a weird bouncy arrangement of it and Simon rightly says it was disposable. She has no idea what she’s singing and no idea of what to do with her voice. She stays.
[The opening was indeed ridiculous. She tried to do Winehouse with a kind of jaunty enunciation. It just made me think she was planning a crime and giggling at it. Then 'One' sounded like someone had punched her in the face and she had no teeth. Of course, if that happened, she'd sail through to the final on the story. In real life though, I'm convinced she'll go next week. – Matt]
[I agree. There can’t be much more air left in this shouty balloon. Can there? – Thex]
In other news, my Dad is losing interest in the X Factor and becoming ever more posh. If he misses the show, he doesn’t bother to watch the repeat if he knows who’s been voted awf. I think he's pissing away his chance at being a guest columnist with that attitude.
1. Last week there was a SHOCK ELIMINATION.
Someone sang very poorly and ended up in the bottom two. Keen blog fans will note the eliminated fat girl was in my bottom two too and that’s really saying something as I’m all about the divas.
She didn’t get enough votes and then was less good than Beautiful Spanish Ruth in the sing-off. SHOCK ELIMINATION. SHOCK ELIMINATION. What a load of rubbish.
2. This week was Best of British week.
This sadly stopped Beautiful Spanish Ruth from doing any Shakira but didn’t stop her from being awesome. More on that later. The Best of British didn’t necessarily mean songs by the deceased as Amy Winehouse and Coldplay counted. I found this week a little dull: couldn’t they have done less canonical songs? A song can be very good, or even the best, without being played at everyone’s weddings and office parties.
3. There are judges, contestants and also other people that I barely mention.
There’s this presenter called Dermot who looked better with the shaved head. He says God Bless at the end of the show because he’s not doing a school assembly and so he’s allowed. He also points out that Ruth isn’t British, defends JLS, and calls the Prince of Wales Sir. He’s not a Knight; he’s a Prince. This should be clear. Dermot’s less good this series.
There’s this woman called Yvie who teaches them all how to sing and there’s this man called Brian who teaches them all how to be dance / be danced at by whorish women. More on this later. Brian says very useful things in the VTs like ‘if x struggles to sing, remember the lyrics, dance or stand there well, x’s performance will be very bad.’ It is a shame he’s not a real judge.
4. We have a guest columnist this week.
This week’s guest columnist is called Matt. We are like BFFs and everything in the way that Laura and Diana were like BFFs and everything. Except we don’t hate each other. There are vacancies for future guest columnist spots – please see the job description on the previous post.
5. Leona was on.
She was beyond awesome. She sang her cover of Run off of that Radio show where people do wacky covers. It’s a big shame she didn’t do any masterclasses because what she doesn’t know about pleasant wailing isn’t worth knowing. It was the best X Factor performance since Leona did Bleeding Love last year. She got her knees out.
[The performance was good, the knees didn't do so much for me. – Matt]
On with the rankings….
1. RUTH – ‘Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story’
Before she performs, Dannii calls her Rock Chick Ruth Lorenzo. This is not her name. Her name is Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Or Lorenzo, Lorenzo. Dannii is failing me this series.
On her VT, we see Ruth and the twins being saved. We see Ruth taken over by terrible survivor guilt because that fat girl went home. It is sweet, and further reveals that Ruth is lovely, but ultimately – whatevs – the fat girl isn’t dead. The VT also shows Ruth looking over the Beautiful Mediterranean sea and thinking about how much she likes to sing. Her heaving bosom is very concealed on the VT: I wonder if it’s because Jimmy Carr calls her Titty Spaniard on that show? Don’t hide them, Ruth. Then he wins.
She sings Angels, which I hate, but she sings it awesomely from the first line and this takes the edge off. She’s singing with a lovely but raspy tone, which makes the whole affair less MOR. The wailing is impressive and very pleasant. There’s also rather hilarious choreography which involves these interpretative dancers flailing around her, then wrapping her in sheets to make big angel wings. It’s very literal and I like the literal.
The judges love it and emphasise that she deserves to still be in the contest, SHOCK ELIMINATION notwithstanding. The figure 110% is mentioned and then Ruth weeps because she’s very grateful for everything. She’s ace. I think there should be a Best of Spanish week just for Ruth. I might start backing her to win.
[I make that a 10% week-on-week improvement for Ruth – Simon said she only gave 100% last week – how did the lazy foreign not get eliminated for that?! – Matt]
2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Easy like Sunday morning’
On her VT, Alexandra speaks of her Mariah week awesomeness and says afterwards she ‘felt like Beyonce’. Even though it was Mariah week. Ha! I wonder if Mariah spat at her or something because that was quite a diss. It was the first of many this week.
On the VT, we see Mamma Burke who gave Alex whatever she shook on disco week. We are also told that her performance will be ‘no frills’ and that this is a good thing. I’m not convinced. ‘No frills’ has echoes of ‘budget.’
She sings a ballad with about four lines and sings it very well. She has a lovely tone unlike that fat girl who was prone to making strange, shrill noises. It always stays the right side of dull but it probably strays nearer to that border than anyone would want.
Simon flirts with her because he’s single and wants a new girlfriend he’ll never marry. Alex is less scary than Sinitta so I approve of this match. Alex appears grateful and generally comes off well. She is much improved.
[The flipside is, you get funny outfits with Sinitta. I'm not sure what Alexandra brings to the table apart from being unfailingly polite, all "It was great" and "I really enjoyed it". Maybe she's been at the Leona Lewis School of Media Coaching. – Matt]
[Oh my god, your comments on Alex and Leona were so amazing. I feel really blessed and lucky. Thank you so much. - Thex]
3. JLS – ‘I love you more today than yesterday’
On their VT, JLS went home to the soundtrack of ‘You Are Not Alone’ because they were not alone. They were with people. I’ll say it again – I like the literal.
One’s Mum said ‘we’re so proud’ and her son seemed to say ‘me too’ back. Ha! Apart from that, their home visits were a bit toothless.
They’re doing a Beatles medley because they are the Other Fab Four. Double Ha! JLS are the new Beatles! Please. Louis tried this with Eton Road two years ago and only I enjoyed it.
The vocals are not bad but medleys are inherently lame and some of the transitions don’t work. The little one reveals a new talent for moody growling though so it is not a complete loss.
Dannii quite rightly said it wasn’t the right music for them as it’d never be on their album. A Beatles medley isn’t gangsta enough for JLS. Any fool can see that. Cheryl said the Beatles were the best British band ever which is a clear Girls Aloud diss. I’m sure at least one of her bandmates thinks they’re the best band ever and not just in Britain. Simon Cowell said it was gimmicky. It was my favourite of theirs because I am a sucker for moody growling. I didn’t enjoy it lots but they are third because this whole night was a bit of a bust.
[The best thing about JLS this week was after it ended, and Louis did that thing where he claps like a deranged seal. – Matt]
4. DIANA – ‘The bitch is back’
On her VT, we see Diana being ill and being a cheat and crying a lot. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. Laura to win.
Diana says she doesn’t want a free pass and wants to compete. She has moxie.
Diana goes back to school and rather awkwardly says it was ‘like looking down on her old life.’ Ohmygod she looks down on people. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. Laura to win. Sign my petition.
Diana’s performance seemed force this week. The yelping has got a bit old and she didn’t seem to know what she was singing about. Possibly because the song (Yellow) isn’t actually about anything. It picked up a bit when the pleasant wailing kicked in – and the handflapping was top drawer – but it was her worst performance yet by far.
The judges acknowledged it wasn’t her best performance or vocal. Simon said he missed her last week. As did I. The only nice comments from the judges were related to her past awesomeness rather than to tonight’s performance. Hopefully she’ll sort it out for next week.
[Diana's been one of the stronger acts up until now, but this was awful. It was like watching her channel that bint out of The Cranberries. I'd quite happily forgotten that band, thank you very much for reminding me Diana. Oh, and before the ads, Dermot said she was 'itching' to get back. I don't doubt it with that hair, god knows what's living in it. - Matt]
5. DEADWIFE – ‘Oh oh you better stop before you tear me all apart’
Deadwife is on first because they clearly want shot of him. On his VT, we learn he’s from Leyton and I will take it on trust that this place really exists. I’m confused because I thought he was Australian and not from this ‘Leyton.’ Either way, his accent is bizarre.
On his VT he hugged his Mum and Louis’s heart grew two sizes that day. Oh and Brian says if Daniel’s performance goes badly, it will be bad. True that.
He sings Tom Jones next to a car made for midgets and there is more whoring around with lady dancers. These dancers are wearing JLS-style different coloured matching outfits. It’s fair to say that Deadwife is not committing to the choreography, even when his jacket is ‘sexily’ peeled off him by the lady dancers. His vocals are a flat and wobbly, especially when he has to sing staccato.
The lady judges are positive. Louis acts like a bitter old queen. Simon said Deadwife was like ‘a drunk dad at a wedding’ but this wasn’t a bad thing. Well, it’s not until the lawsuits come.
Deadwife is in the bottom two and is a good sport about it. He sings Bridge over Troubled Water well for him but not as good as when Rhydian or Leona done it. There was some pleasant belting though.
He goes home and I’m a little sad because he hasn’t been last on the rankings that often and because that sow is still around. Plus, I’m more inclined to believe he wasn’t exploiting the backstory by choice because he hasn’t mentioned her for a while. Bye bye Daniel: you get your real name back now that you’re a civilian.
[Those dancers really didn't have any flair, but I'll blame the black hole of charisma that is Daniel for that. Cheryl's only thought was that Daniel did well to get out of the aforementioned car. - Matt]
[Ha! I know. Cheryl though beautiful and not a racist does struggle to patronise people politely. – Thex]
6. EOGHAN – ‘When I grow up, I wanna be famous’
On Eoghan’s VT, he goes back to small-town Ireland where there are no premieres, celebrity masterclasses or girls who dance. His brothers all look like him and are either very nice or very well-trained. Eoghan is scared after the SHOCK ELIMINATION last week because it shows that great singers are leaving. Oh Quigg, if the good singers are leaving, this bodes well for you. Stop your worrying.
He sings a George Michael ballad that I don’t know as it isn’t Praying for Time or any of the hilarious 90s dance ones. This song isn’t Too Funky for anyone. (Someone really should have done Too Funky. I will when I get through to the final 12.)
Eoghan sounds nervous and whispery and there is a very silly high note. That said, the belting was fine.
The judges are positive and praise Eoghan for not doing easy songs. Louis Walsh says ‘you’ll be in the final’ as if this is huge, unexpected praise. Walsh, this was established weeks ago. Probably around the time Eoghan sung that song about a pet rat. Now it’s us, now it’s we. You remember. Cheryl tells Eoghan: ‘you scare me for the final.’ Eoghan doesn’t scare me and I’m much less hard than celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. We’ll assume she means ‘I’m scared Eoghan will beat Diana or Mamma Burke’s daughter.’ I’m scared that will happen too.
[Eoghan turned X Factor tradition on its head this week by singing for his sister who has been born. That's no way to play the game, boy! Loved the VT as well, which played Home by Westlife (who are Irish) as Eoghan (who is Irish) WENT HOME! Yet more literal genius from the production team. – Matt]
7. RACHEL – ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’
Please go, you dreadful woman.
From her VT, we learn she’s doing it her way again. Because last week went so well? When she was out of tune and cried during and after the song? We also learn Rachel doesn’t live in the X Factor house because she has kids. Why did they make Daniel do it then? Hasn’t he been through enough? She’s infuriating.
She sings You Know I’m No Good, which was her audition song. It’s unfortunate she’s doing the same song as it doesn’t add to a sense that she can sing many songs well. Its title is also unfortunate what with her being in prison and what with her being no good almost every time she sings.
I watched the show with my guest columnist for this week and we both laughed when she sang her first line. The vocal doesn’t work on so many levels. It’s very affected in that she wants desperately to be Amy Winehouse. But also she’s doing weird Shirley Bassey notes. And she whores around on the judges’ table. This does not scream ‘credible recording artist.’ It screams ‘Bluecoat with an attitude’ and we already had one of them. He drank in Shayne Ward’s pub so he at least had something going for him.
Cheryl said she’d buy Rachel’s album. She has more money than sense. And there won’t be an album so it’s silly praise. Three judges love it for whatever reason and Rachel does a mad shout-out to Hackney. As you do. Louis Walsh said it was a bit Stars In Their Eyes. Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be shit.
I just don’t get it.
She’s in the bottom two and takes it better than last time. She says she’s singing ‘One Love’ by Mary J Blige, meaning she’ll be singing ‘One’ by U2. Ha! Bono diss!
She does a weird bouncy arrangement of it and Simon rightly says it was disposable. She has no idea what she’s singing and no idea of what to do with her voice. She stays.
[The opening was indeed ridiculous. She tried to do Winehouse with a kind of jaunty enunciation. It just made me think she was planning a crime and giggling at it. Then 'One' sounded like someone had punched her in the face and she had no teeth. Of course, if that happened, she'd sail through to the final on the story. In real life though, I'm convinced she'll go next week. – Matt]
[I agree. There can’t be much more air left in this shouty balloon. Can there? – Thex]
In other news, my Dad is losing interest in the X Factor and becoming ever more posh. If he misses the show, he doesn’t bother to watch the repeat if he knows who’s been voted awf. I think he's pissing away his chance at being a guest columnist with that attitude.
Tuesday 18 November 2008
VACANCY - Do you have the Thex Factor?
I have news that is as surprising and exciting as the SHOCK ELIMINATION of a fat girl.
This week's recap will be a bit late because I've acquired a GUEST COLUMNIST. There will be more guest columnists throughout the show. I'm going to ask more people so that I can have a different guest (or even 2) every week.
But in the spirit of the show you can also audition for the role.
Job description:
1. You have to write snippy, slightly queeny comments about these terrible people that can be incorporated into the hilarious blog, with credit of course
2. You should give 110% but you cannot steal focus
3. You should be tactful and professional at all times - just like when Will Young gently told people they shouted or were dead inside
4. Cheryl Cole should weep at your backstory and/or ability
5. Simon should think you potentially world-class
6. Louis should think you could dance more
7. Dannii should be jealous of your youth & beauty
If you're interested, please get in touch
This week's recap will be a bit late because I've acquired a GUEST COLUMNIST. There will be more guest columnists throughout the show. I'm going to ask more people so that I can have a different guest (or even 2) every week.
But in the spirit of the show you can also audition for the role.
Job description:
1. You have to write snippy, slightly queeny comments about these terrible people that can be incorporated into the hilarious blog, with credit of course
2. You should give 110% but you cannot steal focus
3. You should be tactful and professional at all times - just like when Will Young gently told people they shouted or were dead inside
4. Cheryl Cole should weep at your backstory and/or ability
5. Simon should think you potentially world-class
6. Louis should think you could dance more
7. Dannii should be jealous of your youth & beauty
If you're interested, please get in touch
Sunday 16 November 2008
Recaplet - The 'Best'
A is for Alexandra shaking what her momma gave her
B is for But it’s my dream, Simon
C is for Cheryl Cole’s grammar
D is for Dead wives
E is for Eliminations – SHOCK ELIMINATIONS at that
F is for Foghorn vocals
G is for Gay Jokes about the male judges
H is for Heaving Spanish bosoms
I is for I don’t want to patronise you
J is for JLS’s coats of many colours
K is for Kylie Minogue’s beautiful popstar sister
L is for Leona sells lots of records, you know
M is for Mentors of both genders
N is for Notaracist and how I still find writing that funny
O is for One hundred and ten percent
P is for Potentially worldclass
Q is for Quigg – such a beautiful name
R is for Rachel gon giv it 2 ya
S is for Shayne Ward’s pub and all those who drink in it
T is for This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me
U is for Underpants strangely bared during Blondie songs
V is for Votes cast and dreams dashed
W is for Wailing both pleasant and unpleasant
X is for X Factor, The
Y is for You made the song your own
Z is for Z-list
Deadwife is gone. Full recap later in the week.
B is for But it’s my dream, Simon
C is for Cheryl Cole’s grammar
D is for Dead wives
E is for Eliminations – SHOCK ELIMINATIONS at that
F is for Foghorn vocals
G is for Gay Jokes about the male judges
H is for Heaving Spanish bosoms
I is for I don’t want to patronise you
J is for JLS’s coats of many colours
K is for Kylie Minogue’s beautiful popstar sister
L is for Leona sells lots of records, you know
M is for Mentors of both genders
N is for Notaracist and how I still find writing that funny
O is for One hundred and ten percent
P is for Potentially worldclass
Q is for Quigg – such a beautiful name
R is for Rachel gon giv it 2 ya
S is for Shayne Ward’s pub and all those who drink in it
T is for This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me
U is for Underpants strangely bared during Blondie songs
V is for Votes cast and dreams dashed
W is for Wailing both pleasant and unpleasant
X is for X Factor, The
Y is for You made the song your own
Z is for Z-list
Deadwife is gone. Full recap later in the week.
Tuesday 11 November 2008
Thex Factor 4 – There Can Be Miracles
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. The contestants are at #1.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero, which is about a Hero lying in you. So it’s either about self-esteem or a conjoined twin. This cover is for charity and so emphasises the first of these two options. It’s sold a lot.
2. It was Mariah Carey week.
The whole thing was awesome. I do like Mariah Carey very much. I know all the words to all the songs. Obv. This will give everyone a remarkable insight into sexuality and behaviour. I’m sure many Undergraduate theses have been devoted to the correlation between divas and faggots. Thing is though – I don’t have a lisp and I wasn’t abused as a child so, as stereotypes go, I’m happy with ‘ooh he likes Mariah Carey.’
There were two performances by her and she had enormous hair all night. There were also masterclasses where Mariah said she liked everything. She sadly didn’t tell anyone to stop shouting or stop being emotionally vacant so these masterclasses were less useful than Will Young’s, which were rather jolly good.
The much-vaunted duet with the contestants on Hero turned out to be more awesome than I had predicted. The duet basically involved MC singing Hero by herself and then the contestants coming out in white at the end and singing backup. Without microphones. Ha!
She is the coolest person ever. I’m sure Leona Lewis would have given them all microphones, an affirmation and a bag of vegan fudge but a true diva doesn’t give a mic to these dickheads.
3. Diana wasn’t there.
On an overblown VT laced with epic music, we learn she had laryngitis so she couldn’t rehearse, she couldn’t meet Mariah (which apparently she was bothered by) and then this photogenic doctor said she couldn’t sing at all.
Diana was upset and to prove this cried hot, Mariah-loving tears.
This is all a big a shame as she would have been very much in her comfort zone. Mariah Carey week demands big hair, pleasant wailing and constant hand-flapping and little else.
She gets to go through automatically which is a bit off. I think people should’ve still had to vote for her and they could’ve shown one of her auditions or something. Still, Diana for the win!
With extra special Mariah lyrics for one week only, let’s get on with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘I can stand up once again’
On her VT, Alexandra was considerably less boring this week. She spoke of her success during disco week and said she ‘shook what [her] Momma gave her.’ This made me like her. A bit.
She meets Mariah Carey and is a bit fangirl but at least doesn’t try to touch her constantly. Mariah is an odd mix of scared and bored, her facial expression like that of a drunk being groped. Alex is very happy with this masterclass and says ‘dreams can come true.’ Yes, there can be miracles when you believe, hold on tight, don’t let go and a hero lies in you. We get it.
She sings and is awesome. The song builds subtly from ‘moody’ mid 90s diva growling to ‘powerful’ mid 90s diva wailing. The arrangement is very good also and doesn’t draw attention to the fact that her little X Factor snippet is two minutes shorter than most versions of this song. She also does her own runs rather than copying Mariah’s, which is even more impressive when you consider how many times Alexandra has probably sung along to Mariah’s version.
(I have listened to Without You probably a thousand times. I used to put this on in yellow pubs to annoy the students. It’s not on there anymore. It’s a great shame.)
There’s a lot on the Internet and in the papers about Laura’s SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice this week but Alexandra’s performance just highlights how bad Laura was. Hers was right for the all the same reasons that Laura’s was so wrong.
Alex is the only contestant to get a standing ovation from the judges. Rightly so. She also gets compared to Whitney, Mariah and to Toni Braxton, the forgotten 90s diva.
I had written off Alex but I have faith again. Well done her.
2. RUTH – ‘And it’s just like honey’
On her VT, Ruth is lovely and Spanish. But we discover she’s backtracking a bit on the whole ‘Don’t make me your token Spaniard’ thing by becoming a sexy Senorita for the night. Tramp.
When Ruth meets Mariah, she gets a bit emotional and to prove this cries beautiful, Mediterranean tears.
She sings My All, which I’d have given to Diana if her voice wasn’t busted like a bad weave. It’s one of Mariah’s quieter songs but it’s still a bit big for Ruth. She should’ve done a more acoustic version so this would’ve been less of an issue. Turns out Ruth can only belt pleasantly when doing male rock songs. More on that in a few paragraphs.
The judges appreciate that she’s trying and that she’s good, if not awesome. Simon makes at least one joke about her boobs, which are very big and very present this week. We then learn that she sang with Mama Lorenzo’s scarf draped on her chair.
Sadly the scarf and a good performance aren’t enough to save her from her bottom two.
She sang Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door and it was a bit like her cover of Purple Rain in that
1. it’s better than any of the songs she’s been told to sing
2. it’s sung most famously by a man
3. she shouts well during it
But Purple Rain was a surprise because no one knew she could shout so very well. The judges save her, except for Laura’s not racist mentor. To clear things up - Simon and Louis did NOT save Ruth because she was less of a threat to their acts – Diana has been on her winning lap for weeks. Ruth sang and shouted more pleasantly than Laura on both songs. I’ve no time for this SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice nonsense.
3. EOGHAN – ‘And I learned many things little ones shouldn’t know’
Eoghan is first up tonight. This is surprising as people who perform first are more likely to end up in the bottom two and I imagine Simon would like Eoghan to do well.
On his VT we learn Eoghan had fun disco dancing with girls on stage last week. He says he’s ‘never done anything like that before.’ I know the ‘I’m a small boy from a small town with a big dream’ thing attract votes but come on – there are girls who dance in small-town Ireland. I call VT bullshit.
In his Mariah masterclass, he gets called pretty. Ha! Eoghan is made so sexless every week. You know he’s going to do a Dirrty in a few years, and dance in piss water, to shake off his squeaky clean image. He’s singing tonight for his baby sister, because family is everything etc. etc.
His performance is better than it should be. He sings Anytime You Need A Friend which is a big song and involves trying to sing over a big gospel choir. I assume their mics were turned down because Eoghan somehow achieves this. There are impressive runs and tuneful quiet bits.
The judges love it and rightly so. It’s a song I skip when listening to Mariah, reading fashion magazines and rimming bikers but I enjoyed this performance. Plus, a sixteen year-old boy singing Mariah well is impressive.
Louis doesn’t like his hair though. Queen.
4. DEADWIFE – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven’
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Deadwife was good this week. He didn’t sing any of the many Mariah songs about death. He didn’t mention his dead wife and he sang a love song called Open Arms that is about hugging someone who’s alive and who you might not even be married to. Viva la Deadwife!
On his VT, we learn he has all the Mariah records. I do too but this doesn’t make me like him much more. We also learn that he can’t do key changes. Again, this doesn’t make me like him much more.
He sings with a hilarious, burning forest graphic backdrop. It is a bit earnest and a bit dated but that said, when he’s not grinning, winking or eulogising, he’s not that bad. I actively enjoyed it and I’ve had little time for Deadwife so he’s truly earned this illustrious fourth place.
The male judges were a bit snippy but even they acknowledged it was a lot better than normal. Cheryl said it was ‘my best performance of yours,’ which is hilariously self-obsessed praise. Simon said it was ‘Ok’ and Deadwife said ‘that means so much to me.’ Deadwife clearly has my Daddy issues. This would explain his owning so many Mariah records and the fact he enjoys a mean man calling him ‘ok’ so much.
5. JLS – ‘When I talk smack, y’all better skip back’
On their VT, they make fun of Louis and this disappoints me. They’ve gone from rudeboys to just plain rude boys this week. Shame on them.
They sing One Sweet Day because they are the new Boyz II Men. In their masterclass, one tells Mariah that he fancies her because he has little understanding of social interaction. She’s a married woman.
During their performance, they are very nasal and their voices are very thin. They look up to Heaven to make the complex lyrics about Heaven easier to understand. You can’t hear them at times.
The judges love it bar Cheryl who thought it was all a bit Westlife. Ha! Simon thinks they’ll make the final. I agree with both judges. Louis makes a bizarre Obama reference because the X Factor has never had a black president. I think that’s what he’s going for. It doesn’t make any sense what with Leona Lewis winning and everything.
6. LAURA – ‘No I’ll never forget you, I’ll never let you out of my mind’
On her VT, we are reminded that last week Simon intimated she was fat and dressed poorly. She was very hurt and to prove this cried fat, poorly-dressed tears.
She plays the piano, which is ambitious on Mariah Carey week. It proves she’s an artist etc. etc.
She sings Endless Love and so is one of four contestants to sing a Mariah song that Mariah didn’t write. Cover of a cover alert!
The first half has a few bars of pointless piano-playing and has a lot of high notes. This was ill-advised as Laura’s voice kind of disappears, and her diction becomes dreadful, when she goes into vibrato. The first half doesn’t work.
The second half has her shouting but not disco rocker Diana shouting and not emotionally-wrought, Hispanic Ruth shouting. It’s an affected girl shouting for no reason and stretching her face in very ugly ways. The second half doesn’t work.
These two halves together are completely incongruous and put together make the whole performance seem completely fake. It didn’t work.
Simon said it was old-fashioned and one of her weakest. I agree and not just because Simon is always right.
It turns out singing badly didn’t attract many fans and Laura made a SHOCK appearance in the bottom two. She sang Over The Rainbow and it was no better. That song’s also a really overdone one on these shows and choosing it was rather shameless way to please Simon.
They go on about Laura being The Voice but she sang without power, subtletly, expression, clarity or individuality. So why is The Voice worth listening to? I say the Emperor had no clothes tonight. Or at least, the Emperor was fat and poorly-dressed.
Laura was shockingly eliminated in a SHOCK ELIMINATION and I was glad because Ruth was better.
7. RACHEL – ‘I got a motherfuckin’ heater ready to blaze somebody’
On her VT, we are shown Rachel giving 110% at being a twat. She has a big tantrum – with whining and stomping – and is generally mean to beautiful popstar mentor Dannii Minogue.
In her masterclass, Rachel speaks of her great problem being controlled by her beautiful popstar mentor and how this is the reason why she’s so shit most weeks. Mariah Carey empathises as she has been controlled in her career too. Ha! Dannii Minogue is the new Tommy Mottola.
Rachel spends her song about to cry. She is hoarse and she is shouty. Being shouty during Mariah Carey this week is pretty hard to achieve but her and Laura managed it. She looks glassy and her voice is shot.
The judges like Rachel’s personality – it’s unclear why – but didn’t enjoy the performance. Cheryl said it was uncomfortable watching someone who’s uncomfortable. Rachel has a tissue ready and is very upset. She proves this with vote-courting, Minogue-hating tears. She is not in the bottom two.
I think it’s fair to say Rachel won’t win. I will also hypothesise that there’ll be no album and that she’ll struggle to get work in musical theatre.
In other news, my parents weren’t bothered by this week’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. Austin going was a ‘travesty’ but Laura going is fine because my Dad thought she had ‘a rubbery face.’
1. The contestants are at #1.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero, which is about a Hero lying in you. So it’s either about self-esteem or a conjoined twin. This cover is for charity and so emphasises the first of these two options. It’s sold a lot.
2. It was Mariah Carey week.
The whole thing was awesome. I do like Mariah Carey very much. I know all the words to all the songs. Obv. This will give everyone a remarkable insight into sexuality and behaviour. I’m sure many Undergraduate theses have been devoted to the correlation between divas and faggots. Thing is though – I don’t have a lisp and I wasn’t abused as a child so, as stereotypes go, I’m happy with ‘ooh he likes Mariah Carey.’
There were two performances by her and she had enormous hair all night. There were also masterclasses where Mariah said she liked everything. She sadly didn’t tell anyone to stop shouting or stop being emotionally vacant so these masterclasses were less useful than Will Young’s, which were rather jolly good.
The much-vaunted duet with the contestants on Hero turned out to be more awesome than I had predicted. The duet basically involved MC singing Hero by herself and then the contestants coming out in white at the end and singing backup. Without microphones. Ha!
She is the coolest person ever. I’m sure Leona Lewis would have given them all microphones, an affirmation and a bag of vegan fudge but a true diva doesn’t give a mic to these dickheads.
3. Diana wasn’t there.
On an overblown VT laced with epic music, we learn she had laryngitis so she couldn’t rehearse, she couldn’t meet Mariah (which apparently she was bothered by) and then this photogenic doctor said she couldn’t sing at all.
Diana was upset and to prove this cried hot, Mariah-loving tears.
This is all a big a shame as she would have been very much in her comfort zone. Mariah Carey week demands big hair, pleasant wailing and constant hand-flapping and little else.
She gets to go through automatically which is a bit off. I think people should’ve still had to vote for her and they could’ve shown one of her auditions or something. Still, Diana for the win!
With extra special Mariah lyrics for one week only, let’s get on with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘I can stand up once again’
On her VT, Alexandra was considerably less boring this week. She spoke of her success during disco week and said she ‘shook what [her] Momma gave her.’ This made me like her. A bit.
She meets Mariah Carey and is a bit fangirl but at least doesn’t try to touch her constantly. Mariah is an odd mix of scared and bored, her facial expression like that of a drunk being groped. Alex is very happy with this masterclass and says ‘dreams can come true.’ Yes, there can be miracles when you believe, hold on tight, don’t let go and a hero lies in you. We get it.
She sings and is awesome. The song builds subtly from ‘moody’ mid 90s diva growling to ‘powerful’ mid 90s diva wailing. The arrangement is very good also and doesn’t draw attention to the fact that her little X Factor snippet is two minutes shorter than most versions of this song. She also does her own runs rather than copying Mariah’s, which is even more impressive when you consider how many times Alexandra has probably sung along to Mariah’s version.
(I have listened to Without You probably a thousand times. I used to put this on in yellow pubs to annoy the students. It’s not on there anymore. It’s a great shame.)
There’s a lot on the Internet and in the papers about Laura’s SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice this week but Alexandra’s performance just highlights how bad Laura was. Hers was right for the all the same reasons that Laura’s was so wrong.
Alex is the only contestant to get a standing ovation from the judges. Rightly so. She also gets compared to Whitney, Mariah and to Toni Braxton, the forgotten 90s diva.
I had written off Alex but I have faith again. Well done her.
2. RUTH – ‘And it’s just like honey’
On her VT, Ruth is lovely and Spanish. But we discover she’s backtracking a bit on the whole ‘Don’t make me your token Spaniard’ thing by becoming a sexy Senorita for the night. Tramp.
When Ruth meets Mariah, she gets a bit emotional and to prove this cries beautiful, Mediterranean tears.
She sings My All, which I’d have given to Diana if her voice wasn’t busted like a bad weave. It’s one of Mariah’s quieter songs but it’s still a bit big for Ruth. She should’ve done a more acoustic version so this would’ve been less of an issue. Turns out Ruth can only belt pleasantly when doing male rock songs. More on that in a few paragraphs.
The judges appreciate that she’s trying and that she’s good, if not awesome. Simon makes at least one joke about her boobs, which are very big and very present this week. We then learn that she sang with Mama Lorenzo’s scarf draped on her chair.
Sadly the scarf and a good performance aren’t enough to save her from her bottom two.
She sang Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door and it was a bit like her cover of Purple Rain in that
1. it’s better than any of the songs she’s been told to sing
2. it’s sung most famously by a man
3. she shouts well during it
But Purple Rain was a surprise because no one knew she could shout so very well. The judges save her, except for Laura’s not racist mentor. To clear things up - Simon and Louis did NOT save Ruth because she was less of a threat to their acts – Diana has been on her winning lap for weeks. Ruth sang and shouted more pleasantly than Laura on both songs. I’ve no time for this SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice nonsense.
3. EOGHAN – ‘And I learned many things little ones shouldn’t know’
Eoghan is first up tonight. This is surprising as people who perform first are more likely to end up in the bottom two and I imagine Simon would like Eoghan to do well.
On his VT we learn Eoghan had fun disco dancing with girls on stage last week. He says he’s ‘never done anything like that before.’ I know the ‘I’m a small boy from a small town with a big dream’ thing attract votes but come on – there are girls who dance in small-town Ireland. I call VT bullshit.
In his Mariah masterclass, he gets called pretty. Ha! Eoghan is made so sexless every week. You know he’s going to do a Dirrty in a few years, and dance in piss water, to shake off his squeaky clean image. He’s singing tonight for his baby sister, because family is everything etc. etc.
His performance is better than it should be. He sings Anytime You Need A Friend which is a big song and involves trying to sing over a big gospel choir. I assume their mics were turned down because Eoghan somehow achieves this. There are impressive runs and tuneful quiet bits.
The judges love it and rightly so. It’s a song I skip when listening to Mariah, reading fashion magazines and rimming bikers but I enjoyed this performance. Plus, a sixteen year-old boy singing Mariah well is impressive.
Louis doesn’t like his hair though. Queen.
4. DEADWIFE – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven’
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Deadwife was good this week. He didn’t sing any of the many Mariah songs about death. He didn’t mention his dead wife and he sang a love song called Open Arms that is about hugging someone who’s alive and who you might not even be married to. Viva la Deadwife!
On his VT, we learn he has all the Mariah records. I do too but this doesn’t make me like him much more. We also learn that he can’t do key changes. Again, this doesn’t make me like him much more.
He sings with a hilarious, burning forest graphic backdrop. It is a bit earnest and a bit dated but that said, when he’s not grinning, winking or eulogising, he’s not that bad. I actively enjoyed it and I’ve had little time for Deadwife so he’s truly earned this illustrious fourth place.
The male judges were a bit snippy but even they acknowledged it was a lot better than normal. Cheryl said it was ‘my best performance of yours,’ which is hilariously self-obsessed praise. Simon said it was ‘Ok’ and Deadwife said ‘that means so much to me.’ Deadwife clearly has my Daddy issues. This would explain his owning so many Mariah records and the fact he enjoys a mean man calling him ‘ok’ so much.
5. JLS – ‘When I talk smack, y’all better skip back’
On their VT, they make fun of Louis and this disappoints me. They’ve gone from rudeboys to just plain rude boys this week. Shame on them.
They sing One Sweet Day because they are the new Boyz II Men. In their masterclass, one tells Mariah that he fancies her because he has little understanding of social interaction. She’s a married woman.
During their performance, they are very nasal and their voices are very thin. They look up to Heaven to make the complex lyrics about Heaven easier to understand. You can’t hear them at times.
The judges love it bar Cheryl who thought it was all a bit Westlife. Ha! Simon thinks they’ll make the final. I agree with both judges. Louis makes a bizarre Obama reference because the X Factor has never had a black president. I think that’s what he’s going for. It doesn’t make any sense what with Leona Lewis winning and everything.
6. LAURA – ‘No I’ll never forget you, I’ll never let you out of my mind’
On her VT, we are reminded that last week Simon intimated she was fat and dressed poorly. She was very hurt and to prove this cried fat, poorly-dressed tears.
She plays the piano, which is ambitious on Mariah Carey week. It proves she’s an artist etc. etc.
She sings Endless Love and so is one of four contestants to sing a Mariah song that Mariah didn’t write. Cover of a cover alert!
The first half has a few bars of pointless piano-playing and has a lot of high notes. This was ill-advised as Laura’s voice kind of disappears, and her diction becomes dreadful, when she goes into vibrato. The first half doesn’t work.
The second half has her shouting but not disco rocker Diana shouting and not emotionally-wrought, Hispanic Ruth shouting. It’s an affected girl shouting for no reason and stretching her face in very ugly ways. The second half doesn’t work.
These two halves together are completely incongruous and put together make the whole performance seem completely fake. It didn’t work.
Simon said it was old-fashioned and one of her weakest. I agree and not just because Simon is always right.
It turns out singing badly didn’t attract many fans and Laura made a SHOCK appearance in the bottom two. She sang Over The Rainbow and it was no better. That song’s also a really overdone one on these shows and choosing it was rather shameless way to please Simon.
They go on about Laura being The Voice but she sang without power, subtletly, expression, clarity or individuality. So why is The Voice worth listening to? I say the Emperor had no clothes tonight. Or at least, the Emperor was fat and poorly-dressed.
Laura was shockingly eliminated in a SHOCK ELIMINATION and I was glad because Ruth was better.
7. RACHEL – ‘I got a motherfuckin’ heater ready to blaze somebody’
On her VT, we are shown Rachel giving 110% at being a twat. She has a big tantrum – with whining and stomping – and is generally mean to beautiful popstar mentor Dannii Minogue.
In her masterclass, Rachel speaks of her great problem being controlled by her beautiful popstar mentor and how this is the reason why she’s so shit most weeks. Mariah Carey empathises as she has been controlled in her career too. Ha! Dannii Minogue is the new Tommy Mottola.
Rachel spends her song about to cry. She is hoarse and she is shouty. Being shouty during Mariah Carey this week is pretty hard to achieve but her and Laura managed it. She looks glassy and her voice is shot.
The judges like Rachel’s personality – it’s unclear why – but didn’t enjoy the performance. Cheryl said it was uncomfortable watching someone who’s uncomfortable. Rachel has a tissue ready and is very upset. She proves this with vote-courting, Minogue-hating tears. She is not in the bottom two.
I think it’s fair to say Rachel won’t win. I will also hypothesise that there’ll be no album and that she’ll struggle to get work in musical theatre.
In other news, my parents weren’t bothered by this week’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. Austin going was a ‘travesty’ but Laura going is fine because my Dad thought she had ‘a rubbery face.’
Sunday 9 November 2008
Recaplet - Shock Eliminations Come Like Buses
In groups! Do you see?
It was Mariah Carey week. There were judges.
Diana couldn't sing so Mariah suddenly big hair as a tribute and Alexandra was forced to be the best contestant there. Deadwife got mad praise from Simon ('Okay') and Two Fat Ladies were the bottom 2.
Full recap later in the week.
It was Mariah Carey week. There were judges.
Diana couldn't sing so Mariah suddenly big hair as a tribute and Alexandra was forced to be the best contestant there. Deadwife got mad praise from Simon ('Okay') and Two Fat Ladies were the bottom 2.
Full recap later in the week.
Tuesday 4 November 2008
Thex Factor 3 - Enough is Enough
Before we begin, these are the facts you need to know.
1. There are judges and contestants.
Two of the judges are lady popstars and two are male music moguls. The men make bad jokes about the other one’s sexuality. All four speak of comfort zones and contestants in and out of these comfort zones.
There are nine contestants –12 if we count JLS as 4 separate people, which I never will – and they sing and speak of dead relatives, dreams and huge amounts of pressure.
2. It was Disco week
Because the key to finding a relevant artist is to make them sing songs from a dead genre. Dermot said it would be ‘quite literally murder on the dance floor.’ He was full of shit and I was disappointed. Rachel taking someone out would have livened things up. Next week is Mariah Carey and this will be awful only in the sense that we will all be full of awe.
3. Will Young was the celebrity guest.
He did masterclasses and they were wonderful. He showed all the contestants how to be less offensive when they sing. It worked for some. He sang a song called ‘Grace’ very well during the results show but did so with strange, staring eyes. He reminded me why people need reminding that he was one of these shows: he reminded us all that he’s very good. If he was included in the rankings he would be second if not first.
On with the rankings….
1. DIANA – “Simply the best”
Her VT showed her being shit in rehearsal, wailing unpleasantly and needing Will Young’s support and encouragement. This was not grim foreshadowing as her performance proper was fucking awesome.
She sang Blondie and yelped, hiccupped and wailed very pleasantly. There were big notes and there were ugly notes and the whole thing had the X Factor. It made me listen to Call Me by Blondie a lot afterwards – and also to Call Me by Diana. The best thing about it was she wasn’t trying to show off or be the new Leona or Rhydian. She didn’t even try to sound very good and perhaps counter-intuitively ended up being the only person to sound any good. Diana for the win!
She had amusing choreography too. She got to sit on some stairs with her legs wide open while people danced behind her. We saw her pants a lot and they were black.
The judges get that she’s awesome though Louis thinks she should dance. This was a stupid comment but if it leads to her doing Wuthering Heights and prancing around then I won’t complain. I might send a letter to Notaracist about this.
2. LAURA – “Throw my hands up and shout”
Her VT showed Laura being loved by the judges but stalked by the paparazzi and insulted by the press. She found this difficult and cried in rehearsal like a shy, shy bitch. Will Young said she was having ‘an off day’ because he is very posh.
She sang very well but it was all a bit shouty and overblown. She’s only second because everyone else was so much worse.
The judges love it except Simon, who thinks she should dress better and be more like Diana. Ha! He’s playing the bitches off against each other!
I thought she looked nice and slim but I won’t question Simon because he is always right. Laura’s mentor Notaracist got mardy with Simon because she is bolshy.
3. AUSTIN – “Hip to be square”
Austin’s VT shows him going to buy the Hero single that is number one and that he sings on. He comes off very well and like a cheeky chappy who you would be friends with if he didn’t cry constantly.
We learn that Austin just sings and does lots of runs and trills without thinking about what he’s singing. This is a bad thing. The show is about connecting with the audience through song, not about big runs or dead wives. Whatevs. Stop moving the goalposts, reality TV.
Austin sings a slowed-down version of Wishin’ On A Star. It doesn’t really work because slowed-down comes off here as bored and boring. It’s a bit like a mid-90s Jodeci or Toni Braxton album track. It sort of suits Austin though – you know Austin sang Unbreak My Heart in assembly once. And this is why he was bullied at school.
The judges didn’t love it and Louis said he is missing a personality. This was grim foreshadowing as were the many comments that Austin should just enjoy singing tonight and no more! There’s also some nonsense about Austin fancying a girl and Austin won’t say he does. It’s awkward.
Austin ends up in the bottom two even though he sang better than most. He then sings a dull song in the showdown and is significantly better than Rachel, who is also in the bottom two, but goes home. Simon says it’s ‘one of those things.’ The first SHOCK ELIMINATION was overdue I suppose. This one was a bit unfair but I’ve been more bothered about things in my life.
4. ALEXANDRA – “She’s like so whatever”
Even Alexandra’s VT is dull. She went to the Bond premiere. She has fans. These bases were all covered in the other contestants’ VTs. Give us something, woman.
She sings a dated song reasonably well – and that’s why I have grudgingly put her so high.
She has shirtless dancers. Tramp. There are close-ups of the dancers’ bums to try and make the whole thing more entertaining.
The judges love it and Dannii tells us all that an Alexandra concert would be fun. Even her 10-minute slot on the X Factor tour will be dull so I think Dannii is being too effusive here.
I’ve so little to say about this woman.
5. RUTH – “Find my love, my dolce vita”
In her VT, we learn that Louis liked Ruth’s slutty dress from last week. He says this is why she’s still in the competition. Be quiet, woman. You loved her last week. Louis’s forgetfulness here was probably caused by all the distracting fashion chat.
Also, Ruth has a cough and this will make it harder to sing. I am as over this excuse as Simon Cowell is.
Ruth sings reasonably well with her strange accent. But she doesn’t sing brilliantly, she doesn’t sing Blondie and we don’t see her underwear. So Diana 3 – Ruth 0 this week. Her dress strap falls off near the end. Tramp.
The judges were unenthused but thought she tried hard. It’s nice to be nice I suppose.
6. JLS – “Slam Dunk da Funk”
On their VT, they talk about the vibe and say ‘proper’ because they are gangster.
They’re wearing stupid multi-coloured outfits again but thankfully they don’t explain like Aston likes Blue, Marvin likes green etc. etc. etc. like they did last week.
It’s worrying that 4 people singing together make less noise than most of the soloists. And that they get drowned out by the backing track.
The judges love it. I don’t agree but I will admit and agree that it was the group’s best performance yet.
7. EOGHAN – “All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m inbetween”
In his VT, Eoghan says last week was a change for him because he enjoyed singing for once. What a negative nelly. I guess singing about pet rats and worlds without religions or rules really takes it out of him.
Simon picked Could It Be Magic for him to sing which is what he gave Leona a few years ago. Ha! Eoghan is the new Leona!
Will Young explains Eoghan has a soft voice but a soft voice isn’t necessarily a bad voice, it’s just soft. These masterclasses are ace. I really want to go to one.
Eoghan sings and we discover he’s not the new Leona and that a soft voice sometimes is a bad voice. He is very flat.
The judges said it was very High School Musical and it appears this is a good thing. Simon said there were off notes and this was not a lie.
8. RACHEL – “Defecating on your microphone”
On her VT, Will Young tells her to stop shouting constantly as this doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. Rachel tells us that she could be Will Young in the next few years. Ha! Rachel is transitioning? This would explain the hair and why she is so angry all the time.
During the song, Rachel shouts constantly and doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. That masterclass was a bust. She is a foghorn.
The judges are less than happy. Simon said it was clumsy and gimmicky. Louis said it was ‘pretty average.’ This is actually a much smarter comment than it sounds. Note the use of adverb ‘pretty’ – Louis is saying that not only is Rachel average, but she’s somehow found a way to be averagely average.
She’s in the bottom two and sings No More Drama. She is not hilarious and demented the way Mary J Blige is when she does this song. Instead, Rachel sing-shouts again, looks beyond furious while doing so again and sounds like a nasal foghorn again. She’s allowed to stay because she has a ‘raw talent.’ Jesus wept.
9. DEADWIFE – “And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven”
He’s going to meet Mariah Carey next week. He’s going to sing Without You or One Sweet Day or any of her other ballads that are sort of about having a dead wife.
His VT reminds us the judges hate him. His performance reminds us why. I will give him credit for finding a Disco song that is sort of about having a dead wife and saying ‘no, don’t leave me this way!’ but I hated it. He winks and grins and the singing is not good.
He also pervs on, or ‘interacts with,’ the ladydancers which shows he’s getting on with his life. Good for him.
Simon says ‘this has got to stop’, i.e. you should be eliminated for being rubbish, but grins while saying it because he’s clearly loving this. Louis isn’t as witty about Deadwife being rubbish this week and this is disappointing.
This has got to stop.
In other news, my parents are very upset that Austin has left. They do not enjoy Deadwife’s winking. I have not pressed them about why.
1. There are judges and contestants.
Two of the judges are lady popstars and two are male music moguls. The men make bad jokes about the other one’s sexuality. All four speak of comfort zones and contestants in and out of these comfort zones.
There are nine contestants –12 if we count JLS as 4 separate people, which I never will – and they sing and speak of dead relatives, dreams and huge amounts of pressure.
2. It was Disco week
Because the key to finding a relevant artist is to make them sing songs from a dead genre. Dermot said it would be ‘quite literally murder on the dance floor.’ He was full of shit and I was disappointed. Rachel taking someone out would have livened things up. Next week is Mariah Carey and this will be awful only in the sense that we will all be full of awe.
3. Will Young was the celebrity guest.
He did masterclasses and they were wonderful. He showed all the contestants how to be less offensive when they sing. It worked for some. He sang a song called ‘Grace’ very well during the results show but did so with strange, staring eyes. He reminded me why people need reminding that he was one of these shows: he reminded us all that he’s very good. If he was included in the rankings he would be second if not first.
On with the rankings….
1. DIANA – “Simply the best”
Her VT showed her being shit in rehearsal, wailing unpleasantly and needing Will Young’s support and encouragement. This was not grim foreshadowing as her performance proper was fucking awesome.
She sang Blondie and yelped, hiccupped and wailed very pleasantly. There were big notes and there were ugly notes and the whole thing had the X Factor. It made me listen to Call Me by Blondie a lot afterwards – and also to Call Me by Diana. The best thing about it was she wasn’t trying to show off or be the new Leona or Rhydian. She didn’t even try to sound very good and perhaps counter-intuitively ended up being the only person to sound any good. Diana for the win!
She had amusing choreography too. She got to sit on some stairs with her legs wide open while people danced behind her. We saw her pants a lot and they were black.
The judges get that she’s awesome though Louis thinks she should dance. This was a stupid comment but if it leads to her doing Wuthering Heights and prancing around then I won’t complain. I might send a letter to Notaracist about this.
2. LAURA – “Throw my hands up and shout”
Her VT showed Laura being loved by the judges but stalked by the paparazzi and insulted by the press. She found this difficult and cried in rehearsal like a shy, shy bitch. Will Young said she was having ‘an off day’ because he is very posh.
She sang very well but it was all a bit shouty and overblown. She’s only second because everyone else was so much worse.
The judges love it except Simon, who thinks she should dress better and be more like Diana. Ha! He’s playing the bitches off against each other!
I thought she looked nice and slim but I won’t question Simon because he is always right. Laura’s mentor Notaracist got mardy with Simon because she is bolshy.
3. AUSTIN – “Hip to be square”
Austin’s VT shows him going to buy the Hero single that is number one and that he sings on. He comes off very well and like a cheeky chappy who you would be friends with if he didn’t cry constantly.
We learn that Austin just sings and does lots of runs and trills without thinking about what he’s singing. This is a bad thing. The show is about connecting with the audience through song, not about big runs or dead wives. Whatevs. Stop moving the goalposts, reality TV.
Austin sings a slowed-down version of Wishin’ On A Star. It doesn’t really work because slowed-down comes off here as bored and boring. It’s a bit like a mid-90s Jodeci or Toni Braxton album track. It sort of suits Austin though – you know Austin sang Unbreak My Heart in assembly once. And this is why he was bullied at school.
The judges didn’t love it and Louis said he is missing a personality. This was grim foreshadowing as were the many comments that Austin should just enjoy singing tonight and no more! There’s also some nonsense about Austin fancying a girl and Austin won’t say he does. It’s awkward.
Austin ends up in the bottom two even though he sang better than most. He then sings a dull song in the showdown and is significantly better than Rachel, who is also in the bottom two, but goes home. Simon says it’s ‘one of those things.’ The first SHOCK ELIMINATION was overdue I suppose. This one was a bit unfair but I’ve been more bothered about things in my life.
4. ALEXANDRA – “She’s like so whatever”
Even Alexandra’s VT is dull. She went to the Bond premiere. She has fans. These bases were all covered in the other contestants’ VTs. Give us something, woman.
She sings a dated song reasonably well – and that’s why I have grudgingly put her so high.
She has shirtless dancers. Tramp. There are close-ups of the dancers’ bums to try and make the whole thing more entertaining.
The judges love it and Dannii tells us all that an Alexandra concert would be fun. Even her 10-minute slot on the X Factor tour will be dull so I think Dannii is being too effusive here.
I’ve so little to say about this woman.
5. RUTH – “Find my love, my dolce vita”
In her VT, we learn that Louis liked Ruth’s slutty dress from last week. He says this is why she’s still in the competition. Be quiet, woman. You loved her last week. Louis’s forgetfulness here was probably caused by all the distracting fashion chat.
Also, Ruth has a cough and this will make it harder to sing. I am as over this excuse as Simon Cowell is.
Ruth sings reasonably well with her strange accent. But she doesn’t sing brilliantly, she doesn’t sing Blondie and we don’t see her underwear. So Diana 3 – Ruth 0 this week. Her dress strap falls off near the end. Tramp.
The judges were unenthused but thought she tried hard. It’s nice to be nice I suppose.
6. JLS – “Slam Dunk da Funk”
On their VT, they talk about the vibe and say ‘proper’ because they are gangster.
They’re wearing stupid multi-coloured outfits again but thankfully they don’t explain like Aston likes Blue, Marvin likes green etc. etc. etc. like they did last week.
It’s worrying that 4 people singing together make less noise than most of the soloists. And that they get drowned out by the backing track.
The judges love it. I don’t agree but I will admit and agree that it was the group’s best performance yet.
7. EOGHAN – “All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m inbetween”
In his VT, Eoghan says last week was a change for him because he enjoyed singing for once. What a negative nelly. I guess singing about pet rats and worlds without religions or rules really takes it out of him.
Simon picked Could It Be Magic for him to sing which is what he gave Leona a few years ago. Ha! Eoghan is the new Leona!
Will Young explains Eoghan has a soft voice but a soft voice isn’t necessarily a bad voice, it’s just soft. These masterclasses are ace. I really want to go to one.
Eoghan sings and we discover he’s not the new Leona and that a soft voice sometimes is a bad voice. He is very flat.
The judges said it was very High School Musical and it appears this is a good thing. Simon said there were off notes and this was not a lie.
8. RACHEL – “Defecating on your microphone”
On her VT, Will Young tells her to stop shouting constantly as this doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. Rachel tells us that she could be Will Young in the next few years. Ha! Rachel is transitioning? This would explain the hair and why she is so angry all the time.
During the song, Rachel shouts constantly and doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. That masterclass was a bust. She is a foghorn.
The judges are less than happy. Simon said it was clumsy and gimmicky. Louis said it was ‘pretty average.’ This is actually a much smarter comment than it sounds. Note the use of adverb ‘pretty’ – Louis is saying that not only is Rachel average, but she’s somehow found a way to be averagely average.
She’s in the bottom two and sings No More Drama. She is not hilarious and demented the way Mary J Blige is when she does this song. Instead, Rachel sing-shouts again, looks beyond furious while doing so again and sounds like a nasal foghorn again. She’s allowed to stay because she has a ‘raw talent.’ Jesus wept.
9. DEADWIFE – “And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven”
He’s going to meet Mariah Carey next week. He’s going to sing Without You or One Sweet Day or any of her other ballads that are sort of about having a dead wife.
His VT reminds us the judges hate him. His performance reminds us why. I will give him credit for finding a Disco song that is sort of about having a dead wife and saying ‘no, don’t leave me this way!’ but I hated it. He winks and grins and the singing is not good.
He also pervs on, or ‘interacts with,’ the ladydancers which shows he’s getting on with his life. Good for him.
Simon says ‘this has got to stop’, i.e. you should be eliminated for being rubbish, but grins while saying it because he’s clearly loving this. Louis isn’t as witty about Deadwife being rubbish this week and this is disappointing.
This has got to stop.
In other news, my parents are very upset that Austin has left. They do not enjoy Deadwife’s winking. I have not pressed them about why.
Sunday 2 November 2008
Recaplet: A Disco Inferno of Talent
There were disco balls, bad singers, good singers, celebrity masterclasses (at last!), jokes made about Louis's sexuality, dead wives, trembling lips and a shock elimination (at last!).
Full recap in a few days.
In other news, I have found one of my hilarious blog nicknames on another site. I cannot get fancy links to work so the link is below
http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3118&Itemid=206
If this doesn't show that this blog is a huge and lovely success then I don't know what you people want.
Full recap in a few days.
In other news, I have found one of my hilarious blog nicknames on another site. I cannot get fancy links to work so the link is below
http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3118&Itemid=206
If this doesn't show that this blog is a huge and lovely success then I don't know what you people want.
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