Thex Factor – Halloween Week – ‘They did the Monster Mash’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Halloween week
This meant lots of silly costumes, of which Mary’s will give me nightmares forever. It also means lots of sound effects and lots of songs that are only tenuously linked to the theme. Ever the wordsmith, Dannii promised us that ‘her boys have all the tricks.’ I would have preferred more treats.

2. It is also ‘not enough credit’ week
Dannii said Aiden is ‘not given enough credit’ for singing poorly and looking mental. Every other judge thought this was a good line and it was repeated a lot. So, Matt was not given enough credit for singing like a big girl. Belle Amie were not given enough credit for singing partly in tune. Wagner was not given enough credit for twatting around on stage looking confused. Not enough credit was given to any of them! The injustice of it all!

3. There are not very scary guest performers
We have Rihanna. We have Bon Jovi, who are no longer country. We have Jamiroquai, who is still cunty. Rihanna is in great voice, by which I mean she sounds less like she has a cold than usual. She looks fucking mental though, like Cyndia Lauper crossed with a prostitute stuck in Bedlam, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Jay Kay dances the best to a song that could be from 1997 or 1977. He is very drunk and tells Dermot he wasn’t sure about appearing on the show in the first place. Bon Jovi sounds great, even though they are forced to perform with the contestants. In rather hilarious news, Wagner is interviewed by Dermot straight after and his mic is turned off. Ha! A wise choice, producers.

On with the rankings, this week with tips for personal development....

1. CHER – Sing more, rap less and cry less
Cher’s VT really sets the scene for how good her performance will be.
The judges tell us how much they like her and how she’s going to prove she can sing and not just rap. Her VT is also super-full of all the wonderful posing she does and the bizarre hair she often has. It’s like a Top Model montage, for an eliminee mind you, not for the winner. Simon is the only doomsayer: he thinks this singing lark is a risk and she may learn that risks don’t pay off.
She looks like she’s at a funeral, possibly her own. There’s only one hiccup (possibly due to her ever-impending tears) but otherwise it’s a wonderful vocal, full of Vickersian squeals and Burkian growling. The synthetic quality of her voice almost goes too: she only sounds like a Girls Aloud member once or twice. She then starts crying but doesn’t stop singing. Ace! That’s a pro! The only flaw isn’t her fault: the arrangement tries to cram too much of the song into two minutes.
Cher weeps and the judges give her a tongue bath. Dannii loves the vulnerability and Simon thinks it’s the best performance of the season. I wouldn’t go that far but she walked the night. Top marks, Cher.

2. PAIJE – Give your puddings to Liam
From his VT, we are reminded that Paije lacks star quality and needs to work on this. Useless choreographer Brian Friedman rightly thinks it is terrible advice to force star quality as you end up looking like a tool. There are also many references to how awfully he dresses. Paije sasses that one shouldn’t take fashion advice from Simon Cowell. That’s fair Paije, but then why not dress a bit better so that the judge people listen to doesn’t talk about how awfully you dress? Doesn’t that sound wise?
Onstage, Paije seems to have a much better strategy. He slays an Amy Winehouse ‘joint’ and dresses exactly like the evil boxing manager from The Simpsons. I write in my notes ‘he sings the hell out of it.’ He sounds nasal but in a fabulous, unToploadery way. It’s all quite scary and Halloweeny, like he’s an evil being doing runs and whistles that excite and dazzle.
Louis likes that he’s come alive, which is ironic when he kind of sounded undead. Simon calls him a big diva and for once doesn’t mean ‘I think you’re gay by this.’ Paije is becoming a real dark horse – he is the new John Adeleye, except without the frequent disappointment.

3. REBECCA – Go acoustic next week, please
On her VT, her speaking voice has gone crazy. It’s dropped an octave and gone the depth of a Brookside hunk. It makes me want to buy another Philip Olivier calendar, full of lurid pictures. Rebecca’s rehearsals seem to go really well – to the point that the only criticism they VT drama they can come up with is how much she wants ‘it.’
She sings Wicked Game, which has shit all to do with Halloween. I think they’ve got confused with Wicked, the musical. She’s doing it as a Toni Braxton ballad, complete with snare drums. Her eyes stay closed for much of it but she doesn’t look half as batshit at Aiden. She’s also dressed as Boy George, who is terrifying in his way so at least she’s keeping to the theme in one sense.
Louis tells Rebecca and the audience that if she won it would legitimise the contest. Ha! She will undo the harm done by the dregs last year. Dannii wants to listen to her on repeat and Simon thinks she’s a repeat of Leona. But in a good way.

4. MATT – Sing a song by a man, you Jessie
His VT begins with him having fans and singing well. This is how winners’ VTs begin. Apart from Leon’s of course. We learn this week he’s covering Leona and ‘a song you just don’t touch.’ Simon has doubts he’ll be able to pull it off. About two minutes before he’ll say it was amazing.
Again, he sounds bad indie nasal on the verses. It’s a little wimpy, even though it’s brave to make a graven image of Leona in her holy temple. There is the constant threat he’ll start botching the notes because he looks so uncomfortable. There are two verses of it being fine then a climax of him wailing a few times. He even comes up with new ways to shriek and wail during a song that came with enough of that already.
Louis isn’t loving it as much this week. Simon likes the originality and the giving of 110%, which is Matt’s first pity praise of the season. Dannii takes the opportunity to praise Matt rightly and point out that it’s good not to be directionless and desperate. More on that point when we get to Treyc.

5. AIDEN – Tell the police where you put the bodies, you’ll feel better
His VT tells us that he’s been given the most recognisable spooky song ever. I suppose they weren’t ever going to make the serial killer be subtle on Halloween.
He’s ‘singing’ Thriller. Is it the Imogen Heap version? Does anyone know? It’s not the Michael Jackson arrangment and we can safely assume neither he nor Dannii have come up with something original. He’s wearing goth eye make up – not just a bit of trendy guyliner I hasten to add– he’s caked in it. He continues to whine and close his eyes and look into his camera as if he’s just done a really, really bad thing to the baby at number 17. He actually sounds pretty good and even though it’s terrifying and doesn’t quite work, it’s about a million times better than Mary.
The judges completely disagree with me. Cheryl thinks he’s a joyless goon and Simon thinks the performance was indulgent. This could have been said about him any week so I don’t know why they’ve waited until his best performance to say it. I can’t see Aiden making the top five anymore.

6. KATIE – If you have to try to be kooky, and have to tell people you are, then you’re not
Her VT is all about the judges enjoying her and her quirkiness. There is no mention of the endless tabloid stories about her sluttish ways. I guess after last’s week triumph the editors have changed their tactics.
Once gain she’s dressed like a wannabe Gaga. She has enormous grey eyelashes and a chess piece hat, like a Gaga VMA outfit gone Primark. She sings Bewitched over the world’s cheapest backing track. The lightness and cheesiness of the vocal doesn’t suit the terrifying witch styling at all. Her vocal this week is a bit simpering too – it’s nowhere near as fun as last week. It’s also not fun or dare I say kooky. It’s just a wimpy cover of an irrelevant, plodding song.
Dannii hates the make up but other than that the judges think it was good as last week. I’m not sure they understood why last week was good then. Simon says she reminds him of Gwen Stefani. Apparently Katie and Gwen are part of a new generation of ‘fun’ popstar. Oh please Simon. Katie is not a member of Gwen’s generation, even with Katie’s grinny chin confusing matters. Gwen is old enough to be Katie’s mother. Gwen is fun though, like an Aunt who makes honey and has an undiagnosed personality disorder.
Katie is in the bottom two because boring performances win as few fans as those tabloid articles about how big a skank you are. Before her singoff, Katie sleepwalks onto stage with a very practised sad face. She’s singing her second Etta James song this month, third total. She wails and hiccups like a baby. It’s not very pleasant but I admire her for trying to sing her way back into the running. She looks desperate to cry for most of it and then does so for real once it’s over. Better than Belle Amie but not good enough in the real world.

7. ONE DIRECTION – Attractive ones, have sex with each other. Liam, finish your dinners.
In their VT, they whinge about Louis’s comments last week that they’re getting all Simon’s attention. They don’t feel sorry for the ignored Belle Amie girls, mind you They’re just annoyed they might be coming off badly.
They’re singing Total Eclipse of the Heart and, in some shameless fanbase cross-pollination, they’re dressed as vampires. They’re all wearing red eye liner that makes it look like they have conjunctivitis. Or, in Liam’s case, like he’s been making himself sick again. They’re doing a strange half dance remix of the song, which just makes it sound a little like Viva La Vida. (JERUSALURRRM!) It is a little weak. For two weeks in a row, not enough excitement, too much Liam solo.
Cheryl says they’ve got a long way to go. Ha! I think she means they’ll go a long way. Simon praises their work ethic and Liam looks emaciated. Business as usual then.

8. BELLE AMIE – Don’t pursue this as a career. Get a job.
We see a VT of them smiling, laughing and cuddling. As if they actually get on. In said VT, they also promise us they are going to have fun. I suppose that is all girls just wanna have.
Onstage, they walk out of graves and then begin to do bad things to Bananarama’s venus. Not as bad as the things Aidan’s cat told him to do to the neighbours but not good. One of the girls is very off and very loud. It does improve however but there isn’t much too exciting about it. I’m not asking for runs and falsetto but some passion or quirks or prowess would have been welcome.
Dannii says she didn’t love the vocals and one of the girls give her a devil’s stare. Cheryl isn’t excited either and Simon implies they are catty, woman-hating bitches. This may be true but Belle Amie are the pits so I side with the lady judges on this one.
They land in the bottom two to the surprise of no one and choose to sing Breakaway. It’s a song that sounds weak even when Kelly Clarkson sings it but they easily make it much worse. The chorus is fine because they belt so loudly that they drown one another’s flaws out. Anything requiring subtlety is botched royally. They are eliminated and I shan’t miss them.

9. TREYC – Drop the ‘tude
Her VT recaps her trip to the bottom two. Apparently this trip was because she performed an old song and nothing to do with how wonkily she sang it. She also had a ‘panic attack’ after the sing off. This must have lasted about ten seconds because it didn’t interrupt the live show in any way. Or, it must be completely made up.
On stage she hollers her way through Relight My Fire, dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. After weeks of being a poor-man’s Maria Lawson, this week she’s moved onto being a poor-man’s Alexandra Burke. The tranny styling and dancing and covering a song Alexandra nailed doesn’t help at all. Neither does the fact she’s a shrill, indistinguishable singer.
Dannii says she could sing anyone off the stage. Well, I’d run off the stage if she started singing so I guess that’s true. Simon says he can’t fault the vocal, possibly because he wasn’t really listening. Both Dannii and Simon think she’s a jack of all trades (flicking randomly and desperately from disco to rock to pop) and master of none. Simon also thinks she’s not being mentored and is just a singing monkey, rather than a future artist. Treyc then sasses Dannii because a) she’s a twat and b) she wouldn’t dare sass Simon, even though he said worse. It’s rare and unhealthy but I can’t wait to see her be eliminated: she will be indignant and completely unaware that she’s an iffy singer with zero relevance.

10. MARY – Fuck right off
As it’s Halloween, we see in her VT a truly terrifying monster singing last week. When she lifts her head and shouts, she looks exactly like a pasty Princess Fiona.
We rewatch the judges feedback that she’s old and boring. She says this was fair and she’ll take it on board. By singing Barry Manilow, which is not modern or interesting. And, also, not really scary.
She wears devil horns on stage and she looks like she’s on the world’s ugliest hen night. She bellows while gay dancers are behind her in cages. She’s actually screaming – when she emphatically yells ‘Now!’ she sounds like a teacher who’s about to throw a board rubber. Or possibly shoot the child.
Dannii says it was incredible and the audience chant her name as if something different just happened. I don’t know what I’m missing. Even Simon loved it. Cheryl is the only one to question the song choice. Mary stands looking smug and then explains to Dermot how good she was as her bingo wings jiggle. Yuk.

11. WAGNER – Return the call when the ITV2 Reality Department get in touch
In his VT, Wagner says that the British public like him. Oh if he only had a brain. Apparently he’s showing off her operatic voice tonight and will show us all he can sing. Simon isn’t worried.
I thought it was going to be a total cop out and he’d do some Phantom – but in fact he tries to sing O Fortuna. But it quickly a different sort of cop out when it, of course, becomes a medley. With Bat Out of Hell. He’s always about a line behind the backing singers. You can hear the guidance track throughout, even though Wagner is shouting. I love how his whole body vibrates when he sings. He’s dressed a toreador with blood dripping out of one eye. His slutty dancers do not rub or flash their tits this week but instead form a daisy chain. That’s PG for them
Dannii likes the costumes and ‘wasn’t expecting’ the performance. She quotes Kath & Kim and no one understands. Cheryl says it was out of time. Simon just says ‘what the hell was that’ which is a just bit rude. Leave the snark to Thexy, Simon. You’re too good for it.