1. It was Beatles week
Beatles Schmeatles. Forget Piggies and making Liverpool famous for something other than crime. The iffy covers delivered last weekend were clearly better than anything the Fab Four ever did for the world.
2. There is talk of last week’s shock elimination
Yes, it is a great shock when weak singers who were never going to win and who nobody really likes get voted off. Just like it was a huge shock when Lucie and Big Fat Laura got voted off in their years
3. I heart Olly Murs
Now I hated Olly Murs last year as much as the next right-thinking person. I hated his stupid dancing and his fugly face and his limp voice. But then today I heard his debut single for the first time and it’s heaps of fun. This new one is more cod reggae and it is better than it has any right to be. There’s even an awkward reference to Bob Mar-ley. He’s the white Pato Banton! And I loves it. I’m officially on the Murs bandwagon. I even like that his Mum is called Vicky Pollard. Don’t believe me check here
4. I do not heart the new charity single
Before its world premiere, we see a VT about people with real problems – dead father, missing legs, almost dying. It really puts those X Factor VTs (where people have issues such as having to sing and dance at the same time) in the shade. It doesn’t hurt that the man with a missing leg is much better looking than a Cardle or a Grimshaw.
As the song begins, Matt and Rebecca sing the first few lines. Though Girl Band sang the bulk of their charity single – and Vickers got about two lines – so we mustn’t read too much into that. I don’t think we hear Cher or John Adeleye once. They’re lip synching, and have clearly been heavily autotuned, but Belle Amie still sound shit. Ha! Oh and Grimshaw sounds normal and Byrne doesn’t shout. Clearly the record producers are stricter about ridiculous affectations and tuneless screaming than the judges are. The judges stand throughout but their slouches show this is just a formality. Even a choir of soldiers can’t stop then looking bored.
On with the rankings, this week with a Divas song that best describes them
1. PAIJE – Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
He seems a decent sort in his VT. We see footage of him being shocked he went through while Grimshaw’s caterwauling was finally punished. Gosh everyone’s pretending last weeks result was surprising aren’t they? I can’t and won’t
Dannii says his song choice is massive. He’s clearly going to do Let it Be.
And he does. And it’s lovely. And not just because I was having a nice tart and polishing off a glass of wine when it came on. The riffing is ridiculous – in a good way.
Cheryl calls it angelic. Se has word of the day toilet paper. Simon admits he was rude last week but still believes Paije can’t win. There was never a truer word spoken as Paije ends up in the bottom two the next night (a place no winner has ever been).
A brilliant Jamelia cover full of riffing and wailing and giving it ‘welly’ and sanging can’t help him. Neither can the fact he’s also dressed infinitely better than normal. He’s sent home with little fanfare. Poor Paije.
2. CHER – Queen of the Night
Cher’s Imagine is tasteful and lovely. It’s like a Disney princess cover, which is not spoiled by any rapping or dope mash-up nonsense.
The judges and public aren’t as enthused as I. Louis says it was not contemporary and didn’t like the absense of rap or choir. He loves a good sappy choir. Simon hates that she was sitting on a staircase. This must be based on some childhood tragedy because I thought that performance was faultless. Or at least good enough to keep her out of the bottom two. My powers of prediction and appreciation are clearly shot to shit,
In the bottom two, she repeats her Stay performance. This is either very lazy or very canny – a chance to remind the judges of that time they told her she was the best ever.
Or a chance to bore them with a rehash. Second time around, it’s is just as lovely.
And she weeps less – or at least the weeping interferes with her singing less. She looks a mess though and her voice breaks on the same note as last time – but she perseveres and still gets the song done. She’s a pro! And not a Pretty Woman pro. This once.
3. ONE DIRECTION – The Winner Takes It All
Harry is a big Beatles fan according to his VT. I doubt the other four have heard of them. I know 8 year olds who can’t name any of the Beatles after all.
They’re doing All You Need is Love to a Max Martin Pink/Clarko backing track. I like how Simon sorts out proper, interesting backing tracks for them then chides all the others for being copycat.
Dannii notices some timing botches and the others get shocked. Dannii isn’t sticking to the ‘boy band to win’ script. Cheryl gives Simon a taste of his medicine and talks about the platform and Simon is forced to say platforms and staircases and such don’t matter.
4. REBECCA – Smooth Operator
The seven minutes I spent watching this is too boring to write much about.
She’s from Liverpool. She sang Yesterday fine. She stood in the same spot. She had her eyes closed. She made some high pitched noises. I’m so over her now. She needs to do some Alexandra Burke style tranny dancing urgently.
5. MATT – You’re So Vain
He’s wearing a vest this week. I think it’s meant to be sexy. He sings Come Together in a weird gravely voice, rather than usual his wailing, girly voice. He sounds like a pirate – or an angry landlord. It’s fucking weird. Even Olly Murs sang it better – and he ripped his shirt off rather than wearing a scally vest. It becomes passable at the end only when he wails like a girl.
Louis is disappointed and Simon hates the styling. It’s true Matt does look like the gay one in a boyband wearing that vest. Simon goes even meaner saying he looks like he was ‘Dragged from the loo.’ Ha! Simon doesn’t want another flop male winner this year, does he?
6. MARY – My Name is Not Susan
Though she is quite as ugly as Susan Boyle. In her VT she rattles on about her daughter, her beautiful daughter. Said daughter is kinda old – its not like it’s a baby that she can exploit for votes.
Mary yells Something, which is maybe my least favourite Beatles song. It’s less scary than previous weeks, which is Something. Yes, let’s be positive!
Dannii says it was ‘up there with her best’ – which is very different praise from saying ‘the best.’ Simon loves the song choice and gives grudging props to Louis. Three judges say she’s got her confidence back. That is good but I feel Mary’s problem has always been her excess of confidence and absence of talent. Why can’t she get some of the latter back?
7. WAGNER - Beautiful
No matter what they say. In his VT, he says he thought his last performance was beautiful and quite good. Ha! Wagner isn’t bothered that he’s booed because not everyone likes Pavarotti. Except everyone does like the famous tenor – even more so now he’s dead and it would be a bit tacky to slag him off. Even Wagner’s logic is a bit shit.
He’s doing Get Back. As Beatles songs go, it’s not nearly wacky enough for Wagner. I’d have loved for him to try Piggies or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Oh shit it’s a medley – Louis loves a good Beatles medley doesn’t he? He foisted one on JLS years ago, ruining their tentative attempts to be all gangsta. Blood.
Cheryl looks bored and irritated throughout. There are some post-performance boos but also a lot of chanting. The tide has turned? Dannii has nothing to say. Cheryl, on the other hand, has nothing constructive to say but takes him to task for some comments he’s made about her. News to me! She furiously yells about it and it makes no one look good.
8. KATIE – Don’t Speak
She gets the pimp spot, which is enough to keep her in the contest for another week. She says in her VT she doesn’t deserve all the shtick she gets. She pronounces it just like shit. Apparently the title of her song ‘says it all.’
I don’t know the song. Turns out it was Help (thanks Google search) but it sounded so weird that I couldn’t recognise it. A deaf person who’s always lived on a deserted island would probably be able to recognise Help so Katie clearly fucked around the song something rotten if I couldn’t. Oh and she’s cut her hair off and dyed it brown. She looks like a lesbian and is dressed like a doll. Her voice quivers and sounds very thin. I much preferred her Christina coos. She gets better when she yells. I guess that makes her the Anti-Mary. Which is better than being the Antichrist as so many bloggers have made her out to be.
Dannii calls her out on her constant ‘I’m showing the real me’ talk while being a total actress and changing her style every week. Dannii also tells her to act, rather than sing. Ha! I wish Dannii could tell every irritating, wannabe quirky person this sort of advice. I’ll buy her a coke if she could do that the people in my local studenty bars! They'd become so much quieter!
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