Thex Factor – Audition 1 - 'You can't stop lookin' at me'

In the world of twitter, and riots arranged by messages no longer than a sentence, it seems illogical to write essays on each episode that are thousands of words long.

Plus I now have a very profitable sideline making cantalopue body butters and thrush cream out of tree bark.

So instead I offer to you, faithful fans, far shorter but no less snarky recaps.


* Tulisa off of N Dubz is so famous she doesn’t need a last name. Like Cher. Or Beyonce. Either that or the producers can’t spell or pronounce her last name.

* I liked Janet, the mini-Vickers, and her Ellie Goulding cover. But then I am a sucker for coos and yelps and pleasant wailing. A lot of fuss was made about her shyness. How long do we have to wait to find out about her secret record deal?

*Liam showed his bum and it was hard to tell whether it was pixelated or whether he doesn’t have a crack or hair like any normal person. I also enjoyed the domestic abuse/incest banter he had with Gary Barlow about showing grandkids his bum. It was the best domestic abuse/incest banter I think we’ve ever had on this show.

* Kitty reminded me a lot of Katie Wasshole from last year. The sitting on stage. The ugliness. The weirdness.

* There was a Tai Chi instructor who vomited offstage then whored around on stage. I liked how she gave Louis Walsh a bit of a lapdance. She didn’t want to treat him any different to a real man. Good for her.

* Scumbag auditionee George ‘attacked’ Tulisa. This was all staged, from the moment Tulisa glared at George and said ‘I know you’ even though he was shown for about a minute two years ago. But it still had the possibility that actual blows would be dealt. Do you remember George from a few years ago? He was in an N-Dubz style band who were very much against thuggery. Then they threw a mic and were rude. This year, he said he was a changed man and lacked the temper. Then loomed over the judges, shouted and called Tulisa a scumbag who couldn’t replace Cheryl, even though Tulisa’s criminal record is probably far cleaner than Tweedy’s. People’s favourite Dermot then shouted ‘watch yer mouth’ a lot in a way that was far more threatening than anything George did. It was so confusing – you didn’t know the scumbags were and who the virtuous ITV employees were.

Kisses,
Thexy