Thex Factor - Finale - 'It's the final countdown, de de doo doo'

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It was the x factor final. Twice.
One act left on Saturday, which I guess made that the semi final. Then on Sunday, three went down to two then to one. Which I guess made that both a semi and a final. It was all quite the event. Waissel came back and got fewer cheers than the also-back Wagner.

2. There were celebrities and they duetted
Take That sang the same song they did a few weeks ago. Christina and Rihanna also turned up. I wrote in my notes:
‘Xtina
Big slut
Rihanna
Big slut also.’
Sometimes I don’t feel the need to expand on my notes when they’re just so articulate.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT CARDLE – He won
We see him crying in Essex then singing Dido – a song where sounding slightly whingey is good because it’s better than sounding bored. God I forgot how much I liked this song. I don’t think I’ve listened to it since 2001. Wait that’s not true – I listened to it in 2004 when I got lost in some woods. On minidisk no less!
There are weird catholic nuns in the background playing strings Or maybe theyre klan members Regardless they wear weird capes and add little to the performance.
Next up is his celebrity duet. Apparently she wanted to sing with him – oh please she wanted to sell some records and they’d only let her perform her new stuff if she did a ropey duet. From the first note, we all know it’s Rihanna and the audience scream because they’re excited she’ll be on stage. And not because of the imminent poorly changed lyrics. I’m sure Matt gets his Hes and Shes mixed up a few times. In other news, he’s suddenly knock kneed and keeps putting his hand in his mouth. She looks like Jessica rabbit. And no offence but they’re not evenly matched – Matt is a much better singer even without trying. Still it’s better than the others.
For his last song before the voting, Matt decides to get conjunctivitis. Seriously, why are his eyes also so red and glassy and weepy? He sings Firework, which is a paper thin song. It’s all echoey but everyone better than Katy Perry I suppose. He also wears yellow trousers. The whole thing seemed like self-sabotage (or Cowell-led sabotage) to me but he still won.
Last we see him sing Biffy Clyro. I wish that made more sense with hindsight but it doesn’t it. Biffy Clyro have the Christmas #1 fact fans! And we have only the second X Factor winner’s song ever that’s not at least 60% about winning the X Factor.

2. REBECCA – Second place
I can’t be arsed writing much about the others. Mainly because they’re losers. I’ll be brief:
Rebecca’s first song was a Corinne Bailey Rae cover. She refused to move or open her eyes. The whole affair was as boring as it sounds.
Next time the world’s worst duet with Christina. The first half was find when Rebecca purred in her unbothered way. Then Christina shouted and appeared to have five chins. Rebecca then gave up singing altogether. A few weeks too late.
On Sunday night, I ate my words as Rebecca suddenly became Grace Jones. It was ace. She sang the Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams and harnessed both her corpse-like coolness and Dido-like halfsinging to create the perfect pop performance. Seriously, it was ace.
Lastly, she sang Duffy and, to copy and paste, the whole affair was as boring as it sounds.

3. ONE DIRECTION – Third place
This was a bit of a shock as I was convinced they’d come at least second. They had the Irish vote, the Asian vote, the Granny vote, the Pity vote and the Feeder vote all sewn up between them. But alas Matt’s much better voice and Rebecca’s constant weeping and supposedly better voice was too much for them.
I can’t remember what they sang first at all. Maybe it was Torn? They certainly sang that at least once and it was fine. They also did a strange cover of Your Song which was not as dramatic as the Moulin Rouge version, nor as simple as the original, nor as intimate as Ellie Goulding’s. It was a strange mix of all three and not in the dope mash up way that Cher Lloyd is fond of.
They also did some karaoke with a coked up Robbie Williams. All six of them shouted along and swayed grinned and it was sweet but hardly worth acclaim. He ended their performance by grinning and shouting ‘One Direction – phone in.’ I wished he’d done a Freudian slip and said ‘phoned it’ but it did not happen.
They didn’t get a fourth song because they were voted off. Too bad, so sad.

4. CHER – The biggest loser
Now recently outed by Louis and Sinitta as the twattiest contestant ever, even Cher knew she wouldn’t make it to Sunday.
She performed her weirdest dope mash up yet – the 60s playground chant The Clapping Song mixed with Get Ur Freak On. Neither parts made sense as a modern performance (especially as Cher’s name is not Missy, as so many of the lyrics demand). Together, it made even less sense.
Next was a lifeless duet with Will.I.Am. Need I write that this was a medley? No. You knew it. All four have record deals (allegedly) so it doesn’t really matter that Cher came last and Matt won. It will only become an issue when nobody wants to buy Cher’s records.