1.James wet himself a little bit in the boardroom.
2.James told Suralan he didn’t like looking at him.
3.James ‘bloody wants this.’ And he will bloody have ‘this.’ He must win.
4.He told that silly woman not to put expensive oil in soap. He's savvy!
5.He told that puffed up little man not to make a home gym. Savvy again!
6.He accused Ben of being spineless and shitting himself. Ha! Ben is a tool. James must win.
7.He writes sea shanties that are catchy and syntactically interesting. ‘A bowl of this, a pirate makes, so have yourself some treasure flakes!’
8.He gets very upset when he’s brought into the boardroom and makes the faces and noises of a primary school boy. In little shorts. He does this because he’s nice and can’t understand why the rest of them are such snaky dicks.
9.He gets very excited when he wins one of Suralan’s treats and makes the faces and noises of a primary school boy. In little shorts. He does this because he’s nice and really shouldn’t be made to spend time with such snaky dicks.
10.He is a good salesman. I’d buy soap off him. Or try one of his canapés. I already have a sleeping bag so I’m not really in the market for one of them but his wit could win me over.
11.He is a good manager. Even Margaret said so and she only roots for the women. I don’t know why. It’s something to do with Thatcher. Or Germaine Greer. James to win.
12.He is very clever. He’s a former chess child prodigy and earns lots of money.
13.His accent makes him sound like he’s less articulate than he is. It also does strange and erotic things to me.
14.He covers his mouth after he’s said something stupid. I do this too. We are like brothers.
15.[on arriving at a service station for a task:] ‘Maybe we’re doing a drug deal.’
16.‘I feel like a monkey, learning to use tools’
17.‘If I opened a funeral parlour, people would stop dying’
18.He’s scared of crabs. And rightly so. They have no face.
19.He’s scared of Noorul and slept with one eye open because he thought Noorul wanted to eat him. (And not in a gay way.) Ha!
20.While Kate’s trampy good looks will rot on the vine, James’ enthusiasm and zest for business will outlive us all.
21.James doesn’t use fake tan. James two, Kate nil.
22.While Ben and Phil often looked like they’d ‘cut a bitch’ at their angriest moments, James has respect for women.
23.While Mona can sell a lot of sleeping bags, James was stood there the whole time awkwardly looming over her. He was the wind beneath her wings! The fact that she didn’t burst into song about this in the boardroom is a sign that she is an asshat and that James must win.
24.While Howard’s teeth look like badly kept gravestones, James’s smile could light a darkened hallway.
25.While Yasmina has a big dent in her forehead, James is better in this and every way because his entire face is one big dent. Yasmina looks like she’s been smacked with a pickaxe. James looks like a lovely, business-savvy potato. James wins.
26.Lorraine ‘alienates people’ [read: may be a dick.] James is beloved by all. Apart from Ben but Ben is a tool. And doesn’t really like himself either so he doesn’t count. James is lovely.
27.Debra shouts constantly. At Nick Hewer for being observant, at people of colour for being racist. Shout, shout, shout. James shouts at no one. Apart from Ben but Ben is a tool. James is lovely.
28.Even though he’s not as beautiful as other reality TV contestants, I am still rooting for him. Because I am a professional, clinical blogger who can put erotic feelings to one side. And also, because James is all kinds of awesome.
29.If I went on a date with him, we’d eat rich pies and drink pints and he’d pay. He wouldn’t ‘get fresh.’ He wouldn't tell me about previous sexual partners or his experiences doing heroin. There would be no drama. He’d be very funny and I’d think to myself: ‘I could marry you, you potato-looking, business-savvy, wonderful man.’ I can't imagine having such a lovely evening with any of the other contestants. To repeat, for emphasis: James must win.
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