Thex Factor - Auditions 1 - ‘Kill the beast! Kill the beast!’

These are the salient facts before we begin….

1. Ha! Thex Factor is back
And thank the Lord I say. Yes, the legitimate face of my writing ‘career’ returns. Gone are the days of writing unpublishable fiction for fuck-all reward. Here are the days of ranking reality TV tosspots singing covers. I am so thrilled.

2. All our favourite judges are back
Cheryl Cole is now bright orange and continues to be the nation’s sweetheart. Simon Cowell likes hyperbole as much now as ever. In fact, his use of hyperbole on last night’s show was the best use of hyperbole I have seen in any series of any show ever. Dannii Minogue is a shell of the woman she once was and, at times, has a Brigitte Nielson hairdo. Louis Walsh is happy and has clearly got over that time he was sacked a few years ago.

3. We are at the auditions stage
You need 3 yeses from 4 judges to get through to the next round. There will be categories and mentors but we don’t need to worry about that for a few weeks. I will explain all that business very slowly when needed, as if I’m talking to a foreign exchange student. DO YOU LIKE THE CINEMA?

4.The audition format has changed
Now they have to sing in front of a live audience. When they start booing and laughing, it’s very uncomfortable. Where people were once humiliating themselves in front of a distant audience of millions, they’re now doing it in front of a theatre of rent-a-chavs and a distant audience of millions and it feels far worse. They also now can sing over a very cheap backing track.
I am really not happy about this move as my favourites on this show are often the quiet, folksy ones like Diana Vickers and Kris Allen rather than the polished cruise ship singers. I like my artists to be a bit nervous and cracked rather than desperate for the applause of some tools.

In ninety minutes of solid gold entertainment on ITV1, we only got to see nine full auditions. Sass and montages filled out the rest of the time. There was also 1 quite good person on the ITV2 show who merits inclusion. Contestants are judged on ‘the talent,’ ‘the drama’ and ‘the lolz.’

On with the rankings….

1. DANYL – ‘We don’t need no education’
He sang Joe Cocker and wore silly shorts with white socks. He bounced around and juggled his microphone. He was tacky as fuck and so I feel a little guilty about putting him first. I also know over the coming months there will be lots of references to him being a teacher and kids reaching for their dreams and I will feel very queasy. He was a fine singer and wailed very pleasantly at times but he was not as exciting as the judges made out. He was just the best of the worst.
Simon said it was the best first audition he’d ever seen. Someone needs to tell Simon to temper his praise. He reminds me of a fifteen year old girl on a forum saying Ne Yo’s new single is actually, blatantly, basically the BEST SONG EVA!!!!!!!!!!
My advice to Danyl: stop mugging and concentrate on the singing. Also, try and procure a dead wife.

2. DUANE / TWO SONG JOHNNY – ‘It was acceptable at the time’
He sang Marvin Gaye and was the best of the night up until Danyl was the best thing ever to sing near Simon Cowell wearing socks or whatever. I agreed with Simon’s criticism that he wasn’t contemporary but I was just grateful he could sing.
Duane was a good sport. He was made to sing another song and couldn’t think of one. Besides Happy Birthday. After some prompts from the judges, he launched into Beyoncé’s Broken Hearted Girl. Ha! I love that we have a genderbender so early in the competition. I give Duane ‘mad props’ for singing unrehearsed, especially after his first choice was criticised. One to watch
My advice to Duane: do a cover of a modern rock song. The judges will go nuts for it.

3. STACEY – ‘They call me Stacey’
That’s not her name! That's not her name! Oh wait, it is. Essex Girl Stacey has an infectious personality and a child and a busted nose. When they played ‘Saturday Night’ by Whigfield during her interview, I thought this girl was being set up for a fall. Turns out she was quite good.
She sang ‘What A Wonderful World’ in tune (Hurrah!) and with a bit of restraint (Hurrah, part two!). I know looking for originality during a karaoke contest sounds ridiculous but that is what Stacey lacks so far. Her speaking voice is ace though. I wish her well.
My advice to Stacey: do a cover of a modern girl rock song. The judges will go nuts for it. Again. They’re not hard to please.

4. ITV2 GIRL – ‘Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?’
I can’t remember her name. Was it Marie Claire? Anyway she looked like Holly Willoughby and sang Norah Jones. No wonder she was pleasant but forgettable then.
My advice to ITV2 Girl: do a cover of anything. It won’t help me remember your name

5. KYLE – ‘I’m super, thanks for asking’
We’re on to the shit people now. The first three of these ones were at least funny. Kyle introduced himself as Scotland’s number one Girls Aloud fan. He dresses like Scotland’s gayest MCR fan but we’ll have to take his word for it. He sings Untouchable by Girls Aloud in a voice higher than the screams of someone Cheryl’s beating up in a toilet. He’s stopped and then sasses Simon and starts again. They’re nice to him but he is really, really shit. He gets a pity Yes from Cheryl. She knows how to keep her target audience happy.
My advice to Kyle: find a better role model than Cheryl Cole. She is a thug

6. TRIPLE TROUBLE – ‘Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker’
These teens were awesome. They came on the show to show that not all teenagers live for knife crime and that, really, as a group, the yoot get a bad rap.
They sing Umbrella poorly and are then moderately criticised. The man from Triple Trouble then feels ‘disrespected’ and rants at Simon about nothing in particular. They’re booed off stage by rent-a-mob and someone throws a microphone. Then the man from Triple Trouble threatens the judges with gang violence. But from a safe distance.
I would pay good money to see them again. Or to see Cheryl take them in a fight. They pick the toilet. She brings the pain.

7. THE TWINS – ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.’
I don’t think they’ve got an official band name yet. One is called Edward. They both look exactly like Edward from Twilight. I think he’s British so it’s not inconceivable that he has secret twin brothers who love doing Backstreet Boys covers. They’re not really in tune and they keep asking the audience if, or telling the audience that, they’re having a good time. I don’t like them. I wonder how I can get them to go away.
Chant and smash a mirror?
Butlins. Butlins. Butlins. Crash.
My advice to The Twins: make twin porn. It might be hot and you’d probably make a bit more money that way.

8. DREAMGIRLS – ‘Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it: Vogue!’
They were Lithuanian models. They were twins I think or sisters or else friends with similar taste in facial features. They did look quite acely modelesque and like they were on heroine and had three eating disorders between them. They sang Angels very badly and the judges didn’t laugh. The judges instead looked bored and uncomfortable.
It felt very cruel making them do this in front of a live audience.
My advice to The Dreamgirls: know your angles? Smile with your eyes? I’ll e-mail Tyra Banks and get back to you. They’re not going to be singers.

9. JOSEPH – ‘The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar’
He’s a way aye, lovable lad from Newcastle man. He just did some karaoke one night and found out he was a right canny singer.
Bullshit. He’s been in stage school and blowing stage musical directors his whole childhood. Don’t lie to me, Television.
He’s really red faced and creepy and sings Luther Vandross. And he’s how old? Ghastly. Just ghastly. Four yeses from the judges. He’s the new Ray Quinn or Eoghan Quigg. A shit popstar that comes spayed and with an accent.

10. SISTER ACT – ‘Fat bottomed girls, something, something, something’
The very fat, doll-faced girl from Manchester is back. Emma. And this time she’s brought her sister. I loathed this whole segment and I have many reasons:
a. They can’t sing but not really in a funny way, like with Kyle.
b. They’re a bit aggressive and mardy.
c. The joke’s got old. This is the third time I think Emma’s waddled in front of Simon et al
d. I kept thinking it was copyright infringement that they were called Sister Act. It was distracting
e. They couldn’t pronounce Mariah Carey. It’s not a hard name to say
f. The only reason she’s on screen is because she’s really, really fat and because some people find it funny that some people are really, really fat. This turns my stomach just as much as looking at someone that fat does.
Watch it jiggle.