Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Cos I Am The Mob’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. I feel sorry for Dannii Minogue
Britain’s favourite Australian X Factor judge doesn’t seem to be enjoying it any more. Kylie’s not ill and brave any more – and Sharon’s not sticking her head in the toilet and then texting the pictures to Louis – so I don’t know what the problem is. The other judges are celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, celebrity hobbit Louis Walsh and celebrity sleaze Simon Cowell. I like all the judges now. For all the right reasons, it’s a yes from me.

2. I feel sorry for the auditioners
They now audition in front of a theatre crowd on top of a karaoke backing track. This has been written elsewhere but, with this new format, the show now feels like Britain’s Got Talent without the jugglers and not the wonderful contest it once was.
Now rather than seeing the judges trying to stay composed and sharing wry glances, we have to see very ugly women cackling in the audience. I’d never seen so much otter-slick hair in one night and I felt quite sick.
And, to add insult to injury, we have to see the audience giving a nigh-on-constant standing ovation. (Trolls, if you do it for every good song, it means nothing. It’s like when Simon says something every week is the best performance ever. NOTHING.)

3. I am looking for guest columnists
We had some good ones last year but this year the talent should be even better. Do you have a dead relative you can mention a lot to win people over? Is this your last chance to be a guest columnist? Do you want a better life for you and your mother or children? Did you decide long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow? Then e-mail me at timrussell641@btinternet.com and there can be miracles when you believe and you’ll be a guest columnist. Unless you’re shit. Natch.

There were only 7 full auditions this week. I think they were in Birmingham but the judges’ outfits changed after every song so the auditions we saw last night could have been on any day or any city. Suffice to say, there were a fuck load of montages.
On with the rankings….

1. MISS FITZ – ‘I did it my waaaaaaaay’
One of these girls auditioned solo awesomely and got through to the judge’s homes stage way back in 2006. But she got no further because she wasn’t as extremely horsey or Mariahy as Leona Lewis. She’s back now with two slightly ropey white-to-orange women who she met through a newspaper.
I can see it now.
“SW seeks ugly Wx2, gsoh for girl band, maybe more. Likes covers, cinema. Dislikes girls who steal focus.’
Yes, these girls have a stupid name but their audition was smart as. They deftly rearranged Toxic as an Andrews Sisters, big band singalong. With RnB wailing. It was ‘Mama Do’ meets ironic Live Lounge cover meets En Vogue. It was awesome and very modern and quite possibly my favourite audition ever. Or at least on a par with Ashley McKenzie or Althea Gaye or the beautifully horsey Leona Lewis.
My only fear is they’ll be expected to do a genre-busting cover every week. They’ll get criticised if they don’t or become boring if they do. I hope they can dodge that bullet. They are my new favourites.

2. ROZELLE – ‘I’m a little material, got bling, bling’
Rozelle is from Trinidad and Tobego, which we heard pronounced about eleven different ways. The accent is big and the jewellery is bigger and the hair is like that of a Next Top Model ghetto girl before she gets a new weave in episode three. She weeps before and after her audition. (It’s something to do with her grandmother who I believe is alive.) She grins during the audition because the crowd are whooping and/or because she’s pleased with her vocal.
She sang Jennifer Hudson very well. It was very copycat at times and there were some flaws but even the undeniably horsey Leona Lewis did a few tuneless yelps in her time. This was a strong audition but I’m left with some doubts. She may just be a shouter. Speaking of which, we have number three…

3. JAMIE – ‘And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love me’
What the fuck was this? And by ‘this,’ I mean him. He looks cracked up and coked out and he has the skin of a cartoon lizard. And his afro was not cool. A good afro is big and round, like an ostentatious toilet brush. His afro seemed to have flaps and attachments.
He sang Sex on Fire in a 5% RnB way, 95% idiot karaoke way. There was yelling and shouting. And, yet, the judges loved it. He also tossed his mic about and pranced around like Danyl ‘Ooh, I’m a bit gay, I am’ Something from last week. He even entreated the audience to sing along but they were too busy pickpocketing each other so this plan failed.
The performance had all the subtlety of an AIDS needle. Or emo poetry.
He ranks highly because the singing was mainly in tune but I think he is a tool.

4. DARYL – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven’
This man’s VT started off well. He missed last year’s audition because it was the same day as his brother’s wedding. Because family come first? And he’s back this year to make up for it? What a nice man! And what a nice, not at all exploitative back story?
Wrong! Because this man has two back stories. Because his brother’s DEAD. And not just a bit dead. He’s not even alive at all any more. The brother died just weeks after the wedding and now this poor singing man has to raise his nephew. Communal weeping commences, both on the VT and on stage, after we learn this news.
You knew he was going through. It didn’t matter that he sang very badly. Simon winked at him and then the nephew ran on stage to hug him. Yuk.
If he gets far, I will have to call him Deadbruv.

5. BEHROUZ – ‘What time is it? It’s Chico time’
Yes, we have this year’s Chico. A silly novelty act. Or, a Rhydian who can’t sing. Or, a Same Difference if Same Difference weren’t so funked out, shit hot awesome. (Seriously, your ass be tore up if you chat shit about Same Difference. They’re my favourite sibling duo ever.)
As this show has become a disjointed gong show just like Britain’s Got Talent, it makes sense they’ve put through Behrouz – a man who’s as funny as an anal fissure – just for a laugh.
He sang Scissor Sisters very poorly and had mad, staring eyes. He also pranced around the stage just like Jamie with the shit afro or Danyl ‘Ooh, I love a bit of cock, I do’ Something from last week.
What is with all the prancing? Just because there’s an audience of – whisper it – working class people there doesn’t mean you have to prance. It’s not the law ‘down’t local.’
Behrouz gets 3 yeses. Simon is not happy. But then Simon stormed off set after Chico auditioned, and roughed Louis up in a corridor, so Chico 2 has done quite well.

And with that, it becomes clear that my top 5 are all the people who got through. So, now for the crap ones.

6. ALAN – ‘And then it knocks you down, just back up, and then it knocks you down’
First auditionee of the night Alan was ‘amusing’ because he needed to stare at his watch to know when to start. When he did, he sang poorly.He told us he did karaoke and was told he ‘sang reasonable.’ And he wants to be rich enough to buy his council house. I’m not sure why we had to watch him be disappointed because he wasn’t so bad he was funny or so arrogant he needed telling. He was just a man in the wrong place. Why the producers put him through is beyond me.

7. THE STUNNERS – ‘U G L Y, you ain’t got no alibi’
Same goes for The Stunners. Now, they were pretty bad and the strange noises they made were sort of funny. And, yes, they were pretty deluded and compared themselves to Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera (who’s had more dick in her than Danyl ‘I don’t like labels, I just love cock’ Something from last week).
But the big joke here was they were ugly. Like, really ugly. One was pasty and one was boss-eyed. And they were called The Stunners. Lol. Now that’s really funny.
Do you get it? Do you? Why aren’t you laughing?
Come on, it’s really funny.
Or, it’s just a bit lame.