Review: JLS – Beat Again

Now that the single’s slipping down the charts, I feel able to review it. Back when it was #1, I didn’t feel able to do much. I couldn’t eat, sew or keep up with my masturbatory schedule in a world where Jack the Lad Swing were #1.

And they were #1. And sold lots of copies. Not quite as many as that drag queen who covered ‘Hallelujah but still lots.

The song is a bit of a nothing. It’s very obvious and busy – and you can kind of guess what all the rhyming words are going to be – but it’s not really catchy. I couldn’t sing it to you now if you paid me and there was also a cake involved.

In terms of genre, it’s very synthy and has lots of plinky plonky bits. And it’s as gangsta as the boys can get without swearing or having any sort of authenticity. Lyrically, it’s in a Bleeding Love vein with funerals and Doctors giving very grim prognoses. But all this gore is a metaphor for emotions! Emotions towards slutty girls!

Speaking of which, there are no slutty dancers in this video at all. They couldn’t afford extras. Ha! The song sounds as cheap as sweatshop socks so that makes sense. Without dancers, the boys are forced to dry hump air which looks very odd. The Jack the Lad Swing boys feel compelled to lift their shirts at one point (but not in a shirt-lifter way) and squint to look ‘surly and a bit sexy.’ They’re not very good at squinting and so look ‘unwell and a bit concerned this song has no melody.’

Its B-side is their lifeless cover of Umbrella. Just like the one they did on the show! Which is a lovely memento for their fans. Putting a cover as a B-side is a much smarter idea than releasing a whole album of lifeless covers. Like Eoghan did.

And even JLS said that was whack. Blood.