These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. We have a guest columnist
Her name is Nancy. Many of my friends refer to her as Lovely Nancy. Sadly, this nickname has not caught on the way it did for Tiny Tim, Loverat Darren Day or Sporty Spice but there is still time.
2. It was the final!
Except there were two finals with different numbers of contestants on each night. So really, a final and a semi-final. And the three on the first night were called the finalists, and the two on the second night were called the finalists. And the top twelve have been called the finalists all year. It’s like Adam and Eve named all the different things in the garden for nothing! The finals featured lots of boring performances by the final three, one last group song, a croaky Sir Paul McCartney medley, great performances by Leona, JLS, Alexandra and Robbie Williams and a bizarre song by George Michael about Jesus.
[Best moment of the whole weekend was undoubtedly when Jedward took to the stage for one last time - gone but not forgotten – Nancy]
3. Olly is a loser.
Stacey is one too.
[Which is a shame, as Dannii is my secret fave judge - love her quiff – Nancy]
Joe is the winner. But this season, I think we’re all losers. We’ve seen some hilarious performances from John & Edward, at least one thoroughly dreadful one by Danyl and some alright ones from Lucie, Rachel and Joe. It’s not really been worth it and I don’t get how it’s taken so many months to achieve so little.
4. Killing In The Name Of is a great song
And a better one than The Climb, no matter who’s singing it. I hope Rage make #1, not because I hate this show but because I love that song. And I think there is an argument for us all paying the 80p, sticking up our fingers to SyCo, or just the man in general like Rock Profile Jo Whiley wanted us to, and saying ‘we don’t like this song’ and ‘we don’t want to buy it.’
On with the rankings….
1. JOE – ‘Your destiny may keep your warm’
Or you may get very cold waiting for the assistant manager of Pizza Express to let you in the back. I’m sure Steve Brookstein still sings at Pizza Express. Or maybe somewhere posher, like Ask or Zizzi.
Joe’s first VT has Cheryl Cole meeting his family. She’s wearing a shirt and coat with black and white skulls on. Bitch can’t dress. Joe tells us he’s gone to ‘me mam’s house’ and then we see his mam who’s right canny. He then sings in either an arena or a massive mall, that makes the place Stacey performed in look like a small foyer. What Makes A Man by Westlife is the backing music this week: a song that got beaten to Christmas #1 by Bob the Builder. Thinking back, the Christmas #1 really wasn’t too sad a tradition to lose to these crap coronation singles.
He’s singing his Luther Vandross audition again piece and I hate this song. It brings out the worst in his voice too. It seems short – and it’s not mercifully short – it just feels very choppy. And then a choir appears and it’s done. Weird. Joe is the one minute man of finale performances.
Dannii says Joe’s adorable and he nods. Ha! Maybe he is secretly a dick. Cheryl weeps and brings Joe’s parents into the equation for some pity votes. We see Joe’s fans in South Shields and a woman entertains me greatly by telling one of Girls Aloud that her name is ‘Vote Joe.’
Cheryl speaks of the ‘craziest butterflies’ as the duets round begins. I have to say I was legitimately excited about the duets, even though I’d seen all the spoilers by mistake and all the spoilers were correct.
Joe’s duetting with George Michael, in what is the feyest pairing since George sang ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ with Sir Elton John. I bet they’re doing it. Oh wait no, Joe is “straight.” George is fat and flat and keeps his eyes closed, kind of killing the concept of a fakely affectionate duet. It’s hard to tell if he’s fatter or flatter. The beard is crazy. Joe sounded great though. Well done him, even if he does look TINY stood next to Dermot.
Next is a repeat round. So we’ve seen Joe do NO new songs on the Saturday night show. That’s just great. He redoes his Elton John number and it’s perfect. And I think I was more in the mood for it this time. He really is a great singer in a Broadway and/or slightly boring way. He receives, or rather earns, another standing ovation from all four judges. Louis tells Joe he deserves to make the final two but then he said that to the other two too. Simon says Joe is special. We have to assume he doesn’t mean spesh.
On Sunday night, Joe redoes Journey. Making that his third Journey performance of the season. It is a tiny bit piercing this time. It makes me enjoy it less but reassures me that Joe is not a robot built by SyCo to sing perfectly every week. Louis says Joe is a small boy with a big voice and a great future. That is good wordplay. Simon says it’s not a well-known song and I get angry.
Joe then tackles the winners’ song which is a Miley Cyrus cover. Why couldn’t they have done Fly on the Wall? The Climb is not only inherently rubbish but my real issue with it is that it’s not about something else. All X Factor winner singles are about winning the X Factor and something else. Hallelujah and When You Believe were about religious figures and winning the X Factor. Against All Odds, A Moment Like Theeese and That’s My Goal were about lovin’ and lustin’ and winning the X Factor. The Climb is schmaltz about schmaltz and winning the X Factor. It doesn’t work. Joe sings it fine, with suddenly improved hair, but it’s not endearing. And he looks very creepy in the face: all pinched around the mouth. I think he says ‘fuck me’ when he’s done too.
[I doubt he’s been programmed to say rude words – Nancy]
Dannii says it’s one of her absolute favourite songs. Really? Cheryl cries but doesn’t convulse like she did last year over Alexandra. Maybe because Joe’s not as exciting and won’t go on to be famous enough to help the Cole brand. Shame that.
2. OLLY – ‘I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?’
Olly’s VT says he’s redoing Superstition. It’s very matter-of-fact so I should be too. Olly goes home in a helicopter and his neighbourhood and old school look very green and leafy. Maybe Olly is secretly posh? Oh there’s some secrets coming out this weekend. Simon goes to Murses house and has Butterscotch Angel Delight. Who eats that at his age? Who would be so common! Simon says Olly is one of the nicest people he ever met. Oh, please. He said that about Journey South and look where it got them. I think he said it about Jedward too.
His Superstition comes with a waistcoat and some maladjusted dancing attempts. There is some excellent pleasant growling, which comes when Olly is lying down. Olly has learned how to sing it seems. He should have done all his performances lying on the floor. There would have been less shit dancing that way too. He also scoots along the floor under the skirts of his whorish dancers.
The judges are positive. Simon says Olly is the best risk he’s ever taken. Like barebacking with someone really hot and rich.
Olly does Angels with Robbie Williams. Simon is really playing an easy hand here. A lazy one too. I notice there’s a lovely Christmas tree on the stage and that helps. Robbie looks no less intoxicated than the last time he was on and – oh yes – fucks up the words to Angels. I hate that song but I, like everyone who’s ever owned a radio, know all the words to Angels. How can Robbie get it wrong? The whole affair is poorly sung and they touch each other too much. Their mint, legend banter is insufferable
[Robbie made it all a bit guys-in-the-pub having a go at karaoke – Nancy]
[I think you’re being too generous. They looked far more pissed than that. They hug and yell like they’re singing in an alleyway after being thrown out of the pub – Thex]
Robbie’s eyes are so weird and when he’s done “singing” he yells and chants for Olly to win. There is a nice bit where Robbie says Olly was giving 111% or 112%. See, Robbie can be okay when he’s insulting Simon.
Olly’s redo is ‘A Fool In Love.’ So he’s redoing a performance everyone’s forgot. Of a song Simon admitted weeks ago nobody knows. Simon really wanted Joe to win, didn’t he? It’s fun but it’s not a winning performance, shall we say.
[Agreed. He couldn’t beat Joe. Olly's performances were founded on raunch and more mis-placed 'hip-action' than even old Brucie can shake a stick at - he was never going to beat the cherub that is Joe in the battle for the nation's heart – Nancy]
Louis says Olly is sexy, and clearly doesn’t care who knows it. Cheryl says he hopes Olly will be in the bottom two which is quite the Freudian slip. Simon does a weird eulogy for Olly saying not to be disappointed ‘whatever the result.’ Dermot then starts asking him about he’d feel if it were his last performance. No one expected him to win for a second. Or even come second, for a second.
But survive he does, and so on Sunday night we get another batch of VTs and okay performances. On his VT, we learn Olly will have to give not 112% but 150%. I’m not sure how accurate any of this Maths is. Or what percentage would have stopped Joe from walking it.
[The bookies didn't even need to do the maths. Crap hats won’t get you the crown – Nancy]
Olly redoes Twist & Shout and it’s good fun and the dancing is silly. The judges say it’s fun also and that they enjoyed the dancing. Olly once again defends the Fwiyer dancing breakdown. I assume he means Thriller dancing. My beef is with the fact this is his fourth Beatles cover. Why not just join a tribute band and save us all the pain of dealing with you?
Olly’s attempt at the winners’ single isn’t too bad. He isn’t that much worse than Joe as his razorthin voice kind of suits this Disney pop. Put it this way, he’s not as outmatched as when Ray took on Leona.
[I disagree. There was no contest here. It was a classic example of good versus bad, and not just in the quality of their vocal chords – Nancy]
[Like David and Goliath, if Goliath had a fatter head and couldn’t dance – Thex]
Simon’s mouth is covered and he looks like he wants to be sick. Olly’s cheeks are bloated. Then it’s over.
Dannii is amazed that Olly can sing and says he has ‘a voice we’ve never heard before.’ Ha! We are shown a montage of Olly’s spasm dancing, awful hats and worse hair. Olly never won me over and I hope he won’t be famous after this show.
3. STACEY – ‘When all the clouds darken up the skyway’
Stacey’s VT features a lot of grinning. She looks unhinged and far weirder in the face than Dannii Minogue does. She goes to Dagenham and there’s a house, a school, a theatre.
She does Wonderful World, her audition song, and performs it sitting down. Strange there was no mention of this in her first VT. We know from past dramatics VTs how she struggles with basic things like walking and lying and lusting and dancing. Sitting would have been top of my list of things Stacey can’t do but any fucking moron can. Dannii cries during the performance, presumably for her own reasons as there’s nothing moving about the performance. It’s yelly and fine with the odd flourish.
Louis loves it and Simon says Stacey continues to surprise him. Really? I thought she was the same every week? Didn’t you say that a fortnight ago, Simon? No more Angel Delight for you, it makes you forgetful.
We see Stacey’s fans who are interviewed by a very jolly Jeff Brazier. Clearly he’s not still mourning for England’s Rose, Jade Goody.
Stacey’s duet is probably what stopped her making the final two (and not just because
she’s duetting with the least famous singer).
[It was over before this. Poor love, she looked bewildered from the off, a bit like she hadn't been doing this for the last six months. Although by far the most charismatic of the final three (despite Olly's best efforts with all those 'aren't I charming?' hats), the dual personality ditz/diva show was wearing a bit thin, and even footage of her utterly adorable family wasn't going to save her – Nancy]
The arrangement is bizarre and the singing is yelly and odd. (That’s the whole season though, isn’t it?) Her pronunciation is fucked too. She tells us she’s Feeling Gurd. Or perhaps it’s Curd? And she’s going round fingering the puddings in Marks and Spencer? Michael Buble pops up but can’t salvage it like you’d think he could. After all, Buble is a real singer: singing, not yelling and looking only slightly drunk. Stacey has enormous hips. Between these and that nose, she’s just not pretty enough to be a diva. Buble looks hot.
Stacey redoes Queen and goes all popera on us. She sings about her feengerteeps! She has the Leona hair but it goes without saying that she does not have a Leona voice. In fact, watching Leona sing on Sunday night just makes me feel they should’ve made her the winner a second time. The judges love Stacey’s performance and pretend this year hasn’t been a total wash out. Which you, my beloved dozens of readers, know it has.
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