Thex Factor – Michael Jackson week – ‘Keep it in the closet’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Michael Jackson week
This is a recycled theme that I’m not too happy about. Remember last year when Austin was the only good one that week? And when B.S.Ruth was so boring she ended up in the bottom two and had to unleash her Purple Rain? Simon specifies that 150% is required of the semi-finalists, which is a tough number to reach. This year’s MJ week is very different because this year Michael is a beloved and dead person and not a bankrupt and living person. Simon does the weirdest eulogy ever and poor old Janet has to be called Michael’s sister every time she’s mentioned. She also doesn’t get an interview after her results show performance and charmingly runs off the stage when Dermot gets on with the results business and the lights dim. Oh and her thunder is really stolen by Lady Gaga. Janet dancing maniacally and ‘sexily’ just can’t compare to the below.

2. I would not want to meet Lady Gaga
She performs her “unusual” song in a bathtub full of zombies. She also sings with less help than Stacey’s had in months. She’s dressed as a lego zombie though so it’s hard to take her too seriously. Oh and she yells ‘sing it X Factor’ with murderous intent. And also yells that she’s a ‘freak bitch, baby.’ I believe her, baby. The best bit is when Dermot interviews her while she’s in a bathtub full of zombies. This whole five minutes far surpasses Jedward’s entire run on the WTF meter.

3. Ding dong, the witch is dead!
I think this is the first Wizard of Oz gag I’ve made about the none-more-gayer Danyl. He hasn’t been the worst for weeks so there’s a vague sense he didn’t deserve to go but also great relief as he’s a tool.

On with the rankings….

1. JOE – ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk’
Joe’s VT is an unfortunate reminder of how weird Joe used to look and sound. We also see cute baby pictures where he seems to be wearing a sari. I guess it’s dress up but it’s still weird. Simon speaks of Joe’s tone and how he’s almost note perfect. (Yet Simon insists that friend of Dorothy Danyl is the best singer. Why?) The VT backing music is beyond creepy. It sounds like it’s from a Disney remake of Battle Royale. It has menace and schmaltz in equal measure.
He’s singing She’s Out of My Life. She? Really? It should be clear whether Joe’s going to laugh or cry. Or live or die. Until Joe kind of starts crying. Again, just like his Elton number last week, this is exactly what Danyl wanted to do with Careless Whisper but failed in the eyes of many. To creep people out in a good way. Cheryl calls it ‘chilling’ which I’m not convinced is a compliment on Saturday night TV but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Joe’s second VT is a ‘Meet the Parents’ affair. Except without the slapstick: it’s just the schmaltz and the meeting of parents. Joe’s Gran and Dad have such strong Geordie accents that they sound stoned. Oh and the scary VT music is back.
Joe’s doing Open Arms by Journey, or Mariah if you prefer. Ha! There are purple strobe lights and falling fireworks. It’s not his best but it does make me want to listen to Open Arms. I don’t write down what the judges say but it should be obvious they are complimentary.

2. DANYL – ‘I’m asking him to change his ways’
Danyl can’t believe he’s still in the competition. This is just what Lloyd said the week before. And both times I wrote ‘Nor I’ in my notes. That tinge of self-awareness in contestants is clearly the kiss of death for them. He promises in his VT he will give everything. Which is clearly less than the 150% Simon specified. No wonder Danyl was voted off.
He’s singing Man in the Mirror and sounds very hoarse and nasal. Simon covers his mouth in disgust. Then a polar bear appears on the screen. What? Then there’s a choir – sadly not of kids this week. This is a choir of adults, one of which looks exactly like Alexandra Burke.
Louis Walsh is bemused by the polar bear and hilariously and acutely asks if Simon thought he was doing Earth Song. Louis is the sharpest judge on the panel. I have written it. It is so. Cheryl says Danyl gave 110%. Again, this is 40% too little.
Danyl’s second VT features his Mum. His Mum says Danyl is such a giving person. I always assumed he was a taker but I admit his Mum knows him better than I do. Then he cries. Oh save it, Sheila.
He’s doing Whitney and does his bedroom eyes at me. Simon scowls back at him. Ha! His tone is again hoarse and girly, garbled. Leona was so much better. Duh. I know that goes without saying but I’m concerned no one’s ever said this to Simon. That Danyl was never going to be a worldwide success like Leona because he’s not very good. The performance is very 90s. It’s almost as if you’re watching Peabo Bryson or Luther Vandross.
The judges rave though Simon is still angry that Danyl’s not getting enough credit. I think Simon’s angry that Simon’s not getting enough credit. Danyl claims he’s his own worst critic. Girlfriend clearly hasn’t read my blog.

3. STACEY – ‘Four little words just to get me along’
Stacey’s first VT removes any references to Stacey being called a wedding singer. The X Factor is like that film The Forgotten: people and things are quickly erased from history. Then if you say ‘Simon called her a wedding singer’ people think you’re mad and you look as sad as Julianne Moore did and then yell ‘I’m not crazy.’ We see Stacey’s audition and remember how good she used to be when she sang and didn’t yell.
She’s doing a weird Buble cover of The Way You Make Me Feel. She awkwardly whores around on some chairs as if she’s an Olly Murs backing dancer. Her attempts to be sexy are as unsuccessful as on movie night. She’s sharp too and this doesn’t get any better when a tinny, but more conventional, backing track kicks in. The whole thing is flat and weird. Oh and she’s wearing no trousers and a Trilby hat. It’s like someone wearing a Tee and a scarf. Are you hot or cold? Make up your mind. Then some strange men in vests ‘get involved.’
Louis Walsh speaks the truth and says it was rubbish. Cheryl continues her Stacey pity praise and calls her a Yummy Mummy. Simon says it was affected and gimmicky and silly. And then some.
The second VT is dull and earnest. As is her song. It’s Somewhere from West Side Story, which I was forced to hear Rhydian do in three different (but ultimately identical) ways. Dannii really is desperate to make Stacey popera isn’t she? Shame Stacey’s more of a Norah Jones, best-when-barely-singing type. The verses are lovely in the way Norah Jones song are lovely. The tone is soft and intimate. Then the power notes begin and it’s working too. Is Stacey on the verge of her first great performance? Is she? Has she learned anything? No because she starts screaming and looks rough as when she does. She totally spoils it.

4. OLLY – ‘Shut your mouth because your shit might show’
On Olly’s VT we are told Olly is hardworking, likable and talented by Simon. I’m not sure telling us is enough. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen enough evidence to the contrary. His gut, for example, makes me think he’s naturally slothful. Olly has the unfugging bright lighting. Oh and when a judge say he’s ‘got the whole package’ we see that clip of him ripping his shirt open. Bravo, editors, bravo.
He’s doing Can You Feel It and sounds baaaaad. It’s like Lloyd is singing. His voice is weirdly deep and quaky. I wish so much he was doing Feel It by The Tamperer or at least some sort of bootleg like Jedward did on Queen week. And that we were shown in graphic detail what Olly would look like with a chimney on him because an actual chimney was dropped onto his fat head.
The judges love it and I don’t think they’re pretending. They want him in the final. I wrote in my notes that everyone but Danyl would be told this and I was right for round 1.
VT two wheels out the parents and the appropriately butch best mate. He says singing means evryfink to him. If only enunciation meant as much.
He looks absolutely furious when he sings. Maybe he thinks he’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting again. He’s doing the soul funk version of We Can Work It Out that nobody likes. That’s his third Beatles cover? Or fourth? He’s almost as bad as Leon doing a Buble song every week. Then there’s a stupid dance breakdown. It is no better than the singing but is a welcome relief from this singing. Then he kind of squats and crouches – it’s not dancing in a traditional, accurate sense of the word. It’s just a bit weird. The plus side is there are cool mirrors on stage which means we can see dozens of morons embarrassing themselves rather than just on the usual one.
Louis Walsh says it wasn’t a very well known song. I despair. Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One! I wish I didn’t already own it.