Thex Factor – Ugly Pianist Week – ‘Saturday, Saturday, Saturday’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Ugly Pianist week
I can think of no other reason for making it both Elton John and Take That week. And for having Alicia Keys on. (Oh Snap!) GB Gary Barlow and Sir Elton Hercules John look a little similar too. Alicia Keys did a strange, patched together medley and won Dermot’s praise for not just plugging her new single. Alicia Keys looks so pretty (when she’s not singing) that I feel guilty about calling her ugly three sentences ago. Rihanna scares the hell out of people – presumably because Jedward weren’t there doing the same – by nuzzling against a white fur stole and singing about shooting people. She covered similar lyrical and sonic ground with Unfaithful and was decidedly less scary then.

2. I have not drunk all weekend and made ice cream
It made the X Factor far less interesting, as did the lack of the twins. I wanted so badly to drink my troubles away and watch those Irish twins prance and parade around and have silly hair. But my acute self-awareness, and the public’s cruelty last week, meant this could not be. Sober and twinless, this week’s live show was about as fun as plucking dick hairs with flimsy tweezers. Danyl was the funniest thing. Twice.

3. We've moved
And isn't it lovely here? The kitchen is new. The lintels are solid. I could really have some fun at this new address. Toga parties, the lot. Come visit thexfactorrankblog.blogspot.com often.

On with the rankings…

1. JOE – ‘Do. What. U. Like’
Lovable Geordie Joe minces to the top of the rankings for the first time with his own brand of pop covers made musical theatre. Well done him.
On his first VT, like all the others, we see him finding out his gash charity cover single is #1 and it makes him warmly imagine making #1 with his own gash Christmas cover single. Not long for him to wait. Joe does win some cool points for being excited to beat the Black Eyed Peas to #1 and for having some awareness of current yoot music. Simon snits that his Take That song choice is a little too obvious. He looks very smug as he says this (even though he’s given this song to one of his acts as recently as last year). Joe promises to give the performance ‘of me life.’ Why can’t he say ‘of my life?’ It’s annoying.
He does not give the performance of his life but his ‘Could It Be Magic?’ is sung well. There’s a strange shimmying around a picture frame dance routine but it can’t distract from how end of the gay pier this is. I like Joe but he needs to butch up fast. The judges are full of praise not just for Joe but for the whole spectacle. Choreographer to the stars Brian and the conductor are both thanked but the canteen woman is sadly missed out.
Joe’s second song is a redo (boo!) and another safe choice (the shame!) according to his second VT. It is worth noting that this is another song Simon gave Leona. The writing is on the toilet wall, people.
Joe’s Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word requires few apologies as it’s really very good. It’s quite dark and sparse, the way Danyl’s performance last week would have been if he chilled out. It’s quite wimpy then yelly which I suppose is meant to be a crescendo. There’s some arsing around with his mic which is meant to be dramatic but reads more as dramafag.
Joe forgets to smile during much of his very positive critique. Simon is gobsmacked and says Joe was a boy and is now a man. Simon says it was beautiful. Errr. Well gay. Cheryl says she is proud to be a Geordie because of Joe. No one is proud to be Welsh because of Lloyd.

2. DANYL – ‘I want love, but a different kind’
On Danyl’s VT we learn he’s going to dance at last and that his dance is very difficult. In fact it’s his hardest routine ever. Out of the 1 he’s done. Cheryl doubts he can both sing and dance at once, presumably because he’s failed to do either on so many past occasions. He’s a dance teacher so I had faith he’ll be fine.
Then I was proved wrong in the most wonderful way I could have imagined. He’s doing Relight My Fire and you just know he had to be stopped with force from dressing up like Lulu. He’s wearing a shirt cut to show man cleavage and his voice grates as much as ever. He dances like such a faggot. There is arm pointing and crotch thrusting and a sort of hula bit and grinding against no one. It’s like he’s the only one in the village and there’s no one to say ‘princess, you don’t have to dance like that. It’s not in the gay by-laws.’ At one point, I fear he will break into the YMCA. I don’t understand why he’s paid to teach people how to dance if this is his best. If all he can do is fag around and shake his dick at dancers, I dread to think what routines he gives the little ones to try.
Danyl claps for his dancers when he’s done in order to appear humble. Louis likes the gay club dancing even though we must assume he’s seen far better. Cheryl says it was camp as Christmas and liked it because she likes her queers flaming. I wish she wouldn’t compare that abomination to the birth of our Lord. And, to avoid offense, I must stress when I say abomination I mean Danyl.
Danyl’s second VT has repeated footage of him shouting at Yvie. Officially it’s him rehearsing his song but I want to make clear he is shouting and not singing. Simon helpfully tells us that if Danyl sings well he may stay in the competition. I’m not sure what I find more unpleasant: Simon’s love for the tautology or Danyl’s screaming.
Danyl wears an AIDS ribbon and performs with the same subtlety of that syndrome. He’s doing Your Song and begins the performance by screaming at us. I realise during this performance who Danyl reminds me of when he sings. It’s Shirley Bassey in Rock Profile. Champagne! Champagne for everyone! I’m glad to have sorted that out in my head. I think if he listened to more Dylan and less Bassey, he’d sing a lot better. And also dance butcher and act less toolish. I laugh audibly when a children’s choir come on stage. Simon is desperate to keep this cunt in the show, isn’t he? Danyl should be safe this week: at least a million grannies will vote for the nice choir. In Danyl’s defense, the singing greatly improved towards the end.
Louis quite rightly calls bullshit about the choir and says this is a gimmick too far. Dannii is nice and Danyl says ‘thanks, babe’ back to her. Eww. He’s so slimy. Cheryl gives him a Standing O and then gets some sense back and concludes it was ‘good.’ Simon says it was sensational and says Louis is a scrooge for criticising the choir / criticising Simon’s ridiculous tactics. Why must they bring up Christmas like this when discussing this cocksore?

3. STACEY – ‘Well it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind’
Stacey’s VT is gaspy and her dizzy bit is wearing thin but there are some bright patches. She acknowledges that she was overpraised this week and uses the word ‘womanly.’ She says it in her posh voice she uses to sound silly and ‘likable’ and it works for once. Damn you, Solomon! You've charmed me again!
She’s doing Rule The World and the verses are so gorgeous and subtle it makes me like a song I’ve hated for years. The backing vocals kick in and help her out a lot: it feels like a massive cheat. She starts screaming as is de rigeur this year. (How I long for the pleasant wailing that we got every show last year!) There’s a popera feel for the performance that works but the graphics behind her look very weird. I think it’s meant to be a star but it looks like a sun made out of honey. I write in my notes ‘that was good tho’ but I’m not fussed about it after the fact. A bit too much screaming for my taste.
Stacey tells us on her VT she loves her second song but is worried about lying down during her performance. Christ, first there was walking, then lusting, now she’s worrying about lying down. What other basic functions frighten her so? Simon rightly worries all her performances sound the same and that she’s a wedding singer. This is fair but kind of new. He has been ‘bumming’ her performances for weeks because the script has called for him to keep the last woman in for a bit longer. Why voice these doubts now when nothing’s changed?
She looks like a wedding singer and doesn’t sound great. She’s doing the song that was Candle In The Wind’s B-side (and that Elton puts on all his compilations and pretends people like and that didn’t just happen to be on the same bit of plastic that people felt they had to buy because of a strange, mass hysteria that we pretended was grief.) Gosh, that was a long sentence. It would have been quicker, though far less descriptive, to say she’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Try and hum that song! I’ll give you a pound if you can. Stacey sings poorly here, whether lying down or standing up. She tries to shimmy and smile but it’s still like watching Bambi trying to skate. All her performances do sound the same.
Louis preferred Rule The World as did anyone with ears. Cheryl thought she looked uncomfortable and gives her pity praise using the words ‘under the circumstances’ to make clear it is pity praise. Simon says she’s unoriginal, not as good as Leona and a wedding singer. He offers the cold comfort that at least her other song was good.

4. OLLY – ‘B-b-b-bennie and the Jets’
Olly is being given a lesser-known Take That song that is apparently one of Simon’s favourites. Or, it’s a song he’d never heard before Beautiful, Spanish Ruth SMASHED it last year.
He starts by serenading a horsey woman in the audience. She looks uncomfortable, possibly because Olly’s mole is throbbing. It goes on and on as is boring. The song, not the mole. And, like Danyl’s Purple Rain, it only serves to remind you how much better Beautiful, Spanish Ruth or half of last year’s lot were than these dicks. Compare Laura doing God Bless The Child, Diana trying U2 or Alexandra shaking violently to Hallelujah to any of this year’s performances and it’s like you’re watching a different show now. A show that’s only shown on freeview at two in the morning. Whoever wins this year will be a Leon or a Steve.
The crowd chants because they liked Leon or Steve until they were written out of history. Louis wants Olly in the final three though Dannii feared he had dead eyes. Cheryl liked hearing him sing for once and not "dance." I did not.
Simon makes me like him briefly when he says in VT two, Olly’s got ‘the only butch Elton John song.’ Ha! Olly is dressed like a lumberjack in this VT and his hair is inexplicable.
He’s doing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting because this show glorifies thuggery. Look at its princess. There are slutty women wearing boxer’s robes and carrying cardboard boxing round signs. That’s quite a visual conceit. Well done Brian and show! I can’t get over how inappropriate this song is for family entertainment and how crazed Olly looks. The singing becomes a footnote.
Louis says there was something missing but earns the season’s largest single award of cool points by saying he likes the ‘funny dancing.’ There are lame boxing puns from the women and then Simon speaks methodically and scientifically of Olly giving between 10 and 20% extra. Simon makes Maths such fun, he should become a teacher. If Olly is in a rowboat going 20 miles a hour, giving 110%, what is the probability he will dance poorly? 100%

5. LLOYD – ‘I wanna be the main event, like no King was before’
On Lloyd’s VT he wonders why he’s still in the competition. He is not alone. Lloyd in the final five? Really? He looks ridiculously fit now it has to be said. When he’s being fed lines for his VT that is.
When he has to fend for himself, it all goes wrong. He’s doing A Million Love Songs and his voice is – well, I don’t like his voice. Suffice to say, he’s flat and sounds odd. Strange and strained. I thought the song choice might be enough to keep him in as it’s the perfect song to get pubescent girls voting.
Louis says it wasn’t great but was better. Dannii is styled like she’s on her way to a toga party. Or a Grecian orgy. It’s very weird. I think she has olive branches in her hair. Simon says he ‘sang it okay.’ Simon seems bored even discussing it.
Thanks to Lloyd’s second VT, we learn he’s scared of heights. He really is a wet lettuce, isn’t he? He has to be lifted all of three feet in the air for his routine and shrieks every time this is rehearsed. Louis makes an awesome gag about how Lloyd is never going to be famous.
He’s doing I’m Still Standing which is the nearest thing to a diss Lloyd is capable of. He is flat, again, but looks fit, again. There is a lot of nonsense with canes. The vocals become painfully bad during the choruses. He attempts a falsetto flourishe and gulps like a drunk instead. It’s over for him Saturday night. And then he goes home the next day. He gets the fewest votes and is the worst singer so there’s no arguments here. Or to put it more childishly: too bad, so sad, that we got to see you with fit hair, we are glad.