Thex Factor – Heroes Week – ‘And then you finally see the truth’

1. It is Heroes week
And this means that the acts that aren’t meant to do well sing songs by their heroes. With varying results. Acts like One Direction and Matt Cardle, who are meant to make the final, sing any old shit with better results. It is becoming far easier to see behind the great Wizard’s curtain this year, isn’t it?

2. Three homosexuals down, at least one more to go
Diva Fever and Storm prove that being exaggerated versions of something bad never pays off for anyone. I will miss Diva Fever only because of the great chance they would relive the wondrous audition by Ab-Lisa and someone would get elbowed across the face in a girly way. Belle Amie also received few votes but were rightly saved by the judges.

3. Vickers 2, Perry 0
Musical heroes to no one Diana Vickers and Katy Perry were the guest performers. As well as having infinitely better morals than Perry, Vickers outperformed her in a decisive way this weekend. Diana was new sorts of amazing and made me long for season 5 – the year when our humble blog Thex Factor was born, after all. She was so good that it becomes a bit mean to the current contestants – like when Leona and Alexandra returned with their new singles and sounded unfairly better than Olly Murs and Leon Jackson The song is catchy and odd and perfectly-sung. Who cares that she’ll get sued! By contrast, Katy’s is dull and generic and appallingly-sung. She sounds worse than Aiden, when screaming out of tune. Katy could be used in a PSHE lesson about what can go wrong when you make ‘irritating slut’ the basis of your personality. Learn from her children, she was too big a whore for the kindhearted folks from Sesame Street. What an embarrassment.

I can’t be bothered googling amusing lyrics so I’m going for similes this week. On with the rankings.

1. MATT – Like a siren with a beard
There is some drama in his VT about how Matt is ‘attempting to do something’ and is nervous. How vague. What it could be? Turns out it’s a High C, which is a high note in case you hadn’t guessed that from the name. The vocal coaches are behind him but have some concerns. Cheryl pretends to understand what they’re talking about.
His song is by Bruno Mars and it is lovely from the first note. I stopped writing pissy notes just to listen. I can’t help but feel Bruno Mars is no one’s hero but then I can’t help Katy Perry is a twat and she was allowed on.
Louis Walsh said Matt stole the truth (which: true) while Simon claimed there were bum notes (which: not true and purely based on Simon wanting his boy band to win.)

2. JOHN – Like a lovely answer to a question you never asked
John in his VT says he was surprised to make it through. Weren’t we all? I think people were voting for his wonderful Billionaire cover the week before.
John gives an emotional performance during rehearsal and even cries a bit because the song means so much to him. There’s then some invented drama and conjecture about what might happen if he cries during the real song. It’s along the standard lines of ‘if the performance goes badly, it will be bad’ but with a twist of male weeping. John clearly won’t cry on stage because he’s not an idiot like Katie Weasel.
He’s singing A Song For You, which is a pretty boring choice. I smile when he gets the words wrong – and sings that he’s acted out his life in stages. How meaningful can a song be when you don’t understand it or know the words? His performance features some very pleasant, broken yelping and then runs a plenty. The arrangement does him a world of favours – it’s very bare, almost as bare as when Danyl just had a metronome for Careless Whisper. It’s very well sung and I can almost forgive him for pointing into the camera and implying to all the fat middle-aged women he’s really singing the song to them.

3. PAIJE – Like a blind date who’s too fat for you to consider a future with
In Paije’s VT, we learn he has to get used to moving and singing. He needs to improve his stamina and not get out of breath singing for one and a half minutes. Oh the trials of a fat pop star!
After all that stamina business, turns out he’s doing an Alicia Keys ballad and mainly sitting down. When he does stand, he waves his arms a bit but isn’t doing a full tranny club dance routine like Alexandra would have. Around him, the slutty dancers wear suits and writhe around with canes. Saucy! There is a nice bit where he has a big spasm and then lots of spasmy bits. It’s an intensely boring song so the growling and nonsense scatting and falsetto bits are really needed.
Simon Cowell and Dannii debate about the slutty dancers and whether they were was relevant. I think whores with canes are always relevant. Plus, it did kind of make sense because there was a Cabaret (the film, not the insult), piano bar vibe to the performance. Well done Paije.

4. CHER – Like a thin Vicky Pollard in the episode where she gets a black boyfriend
I’m definitely on board the Cher train now. I even forgive her for having massive eyes and reminding me of Katy Perry. Her VT was probably my favourite because it showed her dressed as a witch singing Defying Gravity. I love that she was a dramafag once. I wonder when the wigger gene kicked in
Her VT tells us she’s doing an innovative, mash up which is a big risk. Turns out she’s doing Hard Knock Life by Jay Z, only with slightly more bits from the showtune original. When she raps she reminds me of Lady Saw and I really enjoy the stomping. It doesn’t make as much sense, either artistically or commercially, as last week’s but I did like it.
Louis says she looks like a popstar and thinks she’s brave mixing Jay Z with Annie. Wasn’t Jay Z the brave one by mixing himself with Annie twelve years ago? Plus, I don’t think popstars are really meant to dress like Sir Mix A Lot. Dannii didn’t love it and isn’t sure that the big risk (of copying Jay Z’s risk pretty much verbatim) paid off

5. 1DIRECTION – Like N Sync, with fewer fugs
Their VT upset me. I learn Liam was five when Robbie Williams broke through. This is terrifying news and makes me feel so old. Harry has to go the doctors. What is with this band and trips to the hospital? First, the ugly one stood on an anemone and now the lead singer is getting vomitous stagefright. Perhaps they’re planning an insurance scam?
When the song kicks in, I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. Their personal heroes are Kelly Clarkson? I don’t believe that for a second. I doubt she’s even the possibly gay one’s hero. Also, why would Liam’s hero be someone who eats? I call so much bullshit about this song choice and Simon clearly ignoring the theme of his own show. Zain does lots of vibrato and it’s hard to tell if he’s showboating or just songruining. The whole thing is a bit of a mess – they sound a bit like they’re shouting, but in a timid girly way. They sound like Chumbawumba without the activism. The girls in the audience cream and scream though so they are clearly doing something right.
Louis quite rightly asks ‘Kelly Clarkson – a hero?’ and a swath of Clarkson fans in the audience boo. The ladies don’t say much of note while Simon says they’re the best band in the country. Somewhere, one of Westlife cries.

6. REBECCA – Like Corinne Bailey Rae given Lady Gaga’s make up bag
Rebecca continues the trend of making me look back at Series 5 and smiling as in her VT her tranny make up reminds me of Alexandra Burke. But less fun Her big VT drama is her shoulders. They’re a little concaved while they should back and closer together. This is terrible drama, even worse than the risk that Matt might not sing a song perfectly or that Paije would have to stand for a minute and not have a coronary.
Rebecca is ‘Feeling Good’ doing Nina Simone (ah! The word play!) but doesn’t sound too amazing. She’s doing a rocked up version and you can barely hear her. Her purple dress isn’t flattering either and her black lipstick makes her look like a drag queen goth. The song ends with some strange whistle notes that don’t work and can’t really be heard over the scary backing. It’s over without much fanfare and she looks at the floor and smiles.
The judges are all praise and smiles. She did sound AMAZING during the group song on Sunday though so I can sort of see why the judges love her so.

7. BELLE AMIE – Like a ropey girl band cobbled together after All Saints and Spice Girls made it big
Their VT harps on about their potential, but the clips of them singing say otherwise. They were horrendous last week and it all just came back to me. I felt sorry for Esther Campbell who spoke and had her name written as Esther Capmbell on screen. The producers won’t learn their names – what chance do they have? We then see very damaging rehearsal footage where they all argue about who sings and who doesn’t. I have never seen such backstage bitchery shown on this show. They usually go to great lengths to pretend that the Danyls of this world aren’t complete tools. Cheryl has no time for the girls’ complaints and says some people just sound better on certain songs and they have to get over it. Or start a solo career where the Irish girl who can sing won’t be given all the solos!
Belle Amie do a High School Musical cover of the Kinks. It’s not terribly sung and as far as I can tell, they all get a solo part. The 60s hair was the best bit though.
Their real triumph came in the final showdown when they took on Fergie. This was a wise choice, as it’s very easy to live up to the original when you cover Fergie. It’s tentative but more relevant than Diva Fever. Even the first screech cover has a quaint amateur caroller appeal to it. They really improve as the song goes on and I give them props for not weeping and singing as awfully as last week. Snaps too for the harmonies. And for managing to crammy all that song’s many many lyrics into such a small space. (Who knew Fergie was so lyrically dense? And not just intellectually so.)

8. WAGNER – Like a joke that’s not as funny when you repeat it
Even seeing ten seconds of ‘She Bangs the Love Shack’ during the VT made me laugh. Gosh, it was wonderful wasn’t it? Wagner continues to be great value when he speaks. ‘I didn’t known how mad I was until I saw myself,’ he says. Wonderful. The X Factor is like an intervention.
He once again has scary cleavage and his dancers have the best routine by a mile.
And there is a mariachi band – who we sadly don’t see. He continues to look astounded by life as he sings. His power notes are fine and I heart his broken English. In my notes I write ‘Much better than Aiden’ but my heart says ‘Not as funny as last week.’ There is more whorish dancer tit rubbing at the end – this time they’re not doing it to themselves. This weirdness is getting more graphic each week – they’ll be frigging elbow deep if he makes it all the way to the finale.
During the judging, it becomes clear Wagner is lovely. He talks back – in a lovely way – when Dannii disses his accent. He then gives a speech about Mary’s character. He can see beauty in something so ugly. What a gent.


9. TREYC – Like Maria Lawson after she’s been punched repeatedly in the throat
In her VT, we see Treyc being bummed for her ultra-wonky cover of One last week.
They show the botched power note twice, while interspersed with praise. It’s almost an X File how the judges are saying one thing while reality is clearly so different. Her VT is very cocky with much talking about how good she was last week and how amazing she was as a child in a nativity. Maybe THAT’S why Cher and Katie don’t like her – because she’s a show off.
Her song is Purple Rain and her hero is Prince. Her hero should be Ruth Lorenzo because Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this song was much better. The gospel choir do much of the heavy lifting at the beginning and she is horridly offkey towards the end. The middle is fine though with some pleasant growling.
Dannii is very nice unsurprisingly. She’s trying very hard to be the inoffensive voice of the people this year. I liked when she used to say slightly bitchy things, like when she told Diana to lose the claw and called Danyl a big fairy. Cheryl says she’s the least assuming person she knows. She means unassuming. I hope Cheryl will continue to grasp at vocabulary she doesn’t quite understand. She’s the Mrs. Malaprop of pop!

10. DIVA FEVER – Like Stonewall was for nothing
I read an article in the free paper they give you on the bus. They called Diva Fever ‘a gimmick act.’ Is being gay a gimmick? I thought it was just a curse. Or an inconvenience, at best
In their VT, they say last week was ‘best Saturday night of our lives’ Even better than when you went bareback in an alley? I don’t believe it, annoying one from Diva Fever! The one who doesn’t sing has laryngitis. Like a tree falling in a distant forest, no one will know.
When their performance begins, I write ‘Oh Christ, there are dancers in speedos.’ Diva Fever are – thank God – well covered. They’re doing Barbra Streisand – the song, not the woman. So I guess that makes Duck Sauce their heroes? They’ve had one hit. This is a bit confusing. The one with laryngitis croaks occasionally and adds nothing to the song. The backing singers do 90% of the thing. They yell out Barbra Streisand and Diva Fever and Louis Walsh. It makes no sense but I can see why you might find it amusing if you were a bit thick.
Dannii likes it because I’m guessing her normal fags have found new hags. The other judges like it too but the public don’t. Diva Fever end up in the bottom three. You’d think they’d like it in the bottom. Saucy! They sing I Will Survive because they’re gay don’tcha know. They are attempting some sort of RnB singing and it is very odd but not unpleasant. The unsinging one vamps and swoons and we see up his nostrils. If the other one bent over with his pants down I bet we could see his pancreas. Instead, we just see his bile when he’s voted off.

11. KATIE – Like a student who’s all kooky but votes Tory
Katie says she didn’t mind being in the bottom three and being less popular than Belle Amie. She says: ‘It set me free’ What does that mean? Oh, in the bottom three, she got to sing her own song. Oh shush bitch, you sang your audition song last week. It’s not like you were forced to sing Kris Kross. In her VT, we also learn Katie was a huge Care Bear and Kylie fan. Ha! We had the same childhood Maybe that’s why I hate her so
She’s singing Etta James, who is her other musical hero. I remember this fact from back when I liked her. It is a gorgeous song sung serviceably for a while then sung terribly. She attempts to scat but does so with far less panache – and vocal prowess – than say John or Paije. Who don’t even need to break a sweat to sound good. Though, ironically Paije breaks a sweat lifting a pencil. That’s my last Paije is fat joke until next week I swear.

12. STORM – Like Jamie Afro without even the novelty of an afro
Louis introduces him by calling him ‘Someone singing a Bruce Springsteen song.’ Ha! Storm doesn’t get a name – he’s just someone. It’s a promotion from being a no one.
In his VT we re-see Simon saying ‘you’re a failed rockstar.’ Storm asks how can you be a failure and sing in front of 20 million people? He’ll get his answer in two months time. If the answer he got Sunday night wasn’t clear enough.
He rides a staitonary motorbike and he sounds swine-flu nasal. We see a few obligatory shots of the audience and there seems to be a few people dancing a bit. In their seats, mind, no one cares enough to get up His voice doesn’t go wrong but the performance is intrinsically pointless. He yells ‘come on’ and ‘one more time’ a lot to the audience because he wants to go from failed rockstar to failed club singer. Louis looks bored and then does a few whoops when he realises the camera’s on him.
Dannii offers some pity praise to seem kinder and praises his voice and hair. Cheryl calls him on the bombast while Simon praises Cheryl for looking less orange. Ha! All the bullshit Simon will spout this season can now be forgiven because he dissed Cheryl. If he calls her a racist thug one week, I will send my pants to him.


13. BIG FAT MARY – Like a barwoman handed a microphone
Why does Wagner fancy her? She revolts me – even the fact that she says tousand rather than thousand can’t make me warm to her in anyway. In her VT, Dannii calls her a cabaret artist and then vocal coach Yvie points out every time Mary sounds cabaret during rehearsal. This happens a lot and you can see Yvie chuckle to herself.
Her performance is, to be kind, ropey. Her accent is bizarre and she sounds exactly like she’s trying to sing over a stag night at the back of the pub. She’s hoarse in the most horrible way. Pained even.
There is a huge amount of audience whooping when it’s over and she cries. I hope they’re just whooping BECAUSE it’s over but I doubt that’s true. On the plus side, I don’t think she’s faking her tears She actually convulses.
Dannii wants some modern songs, which I agree with, while Cheryl respects her as a woman. Simon doesn’t respect her at all, which I agree with, but likes that she’s old

14. AIDEN – Like a serial killer singing in his cell
We see a VT of Aiden showing us his Mad World, while wearing a shirt that looks quite a bit like a straitjacket. He’s bravely singing John Lennon – and he’s personally invested because he’s singing one of his favourite songs ever. I like that he’s following the theme and doing his hero
We see some wonderful footage of him fucking up the song time after time in rehearsal. At times I think Yvie will stab him.
He’s just as shit on stage – it’s all very strained and he sings a bit like Rebecca at times. In my notes I wrote ‘Her eyes are closed again’ and I don’t think there’s any moral reason to change the pronoun. The performance is all so affected and he’s terribly out of tune and out of time. His whole face vibrates every time he attempts a ‘note.’ John Lennon was not been this mistreated since he was murdered. In essence, big problems will come when you sing a brilliant, simple song with a shit, ridiculous voice. I think this is the worst solo performance I’ve ever seen on the show. It is on a par with that week Lloyd lost his voice in the bottom two or when Rachel Hylton did terrible things to Take That.
He has total stinkface, almost as if he realises how bad it was. I don’t think that’s possible – we need to send him the footage. Louis Walsh says positive things without making any reference to the actual performance, where no positive things can be said. Cheryl says it was shaky, Simon says it was worse and then Dannii begs for votes.
Aiden wins some self-awareness points by saying it was a ‘bit rubbish’ but then stomps and actually sticks out his bottom lip. How old is this fool?
He then compounds the error on Sunday night during the group cover of Lady Gaga.
He sounds terrible and continues to look like a Thomas Harris murderer. Telephone is a fun, ridiculous song. Watching a performance of it should never make you want to put the lotion in the basket. Aiden deserves the hose again after this weekend.