Thex Factor - Judges' Home - 'A Chair Is Not A House'

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It’s Judges Homes’ Week
This is my favourite stage of the competition and this weekend’s episodes were of a particularly high quality. There were good singers performing well. There were strange decisions to inspire debate. There was a brazillian ex-PE teacher. It was all good.

2. Dannii is mentoring the boys
She tells us she’s watched all the auditions on DVD. How hi-tec. Maybe she’ll give her judges comments by text! She and Natalie Imbruglia watch the boys perform in Australia. Matt is pretty great doing Beyonce in a girly way. Natalie’s eyes water while Dannii does not display much emotion. In sadder news, Matt does not look good with his shirt off and looks exactly like Elliott Yamin. Nicolo sings a song about New York very well and it’s unclear whether he’s singing about a boy, a girl or a city. Welsh teen Tom has a bright red nose and ruins Robbie. Paije shows us his True Colours and it’s pretty but very boring.
Cannon fodder white boy John weakly sings Take That weakly but strongly resembles Gary Barlow. Cannnon fodder black boy Karl is so unimportant that they play an interview over his performance. The producers similarly play an interview over most of Marlon’s Alicia cover. Based on the tuneless screeching we do hear, I am grateful to the producers for this. Aidan, with his lesbian hair and mental patient singing faces, is better than usual with his Damien Rice cover but still a ball of irritation and affectation. He goes through along with Nicolo and Matt.

3. Louis loves the Oldies
So he goes to the Emerald Isle with Sharon Osbourne to judge them. He has the ugliest set of contestants in the history of the X Factor. Sharon compares them to ‘Cuckoo’s Nest.’ Ha! When Sharon thinks you’re weird, you’ve really got to worry, Oldies. You and your mind, they got issues. Househusband Steve minces around doing Get The Party Started. It’s awful but brings back wonderful memories. Yuli screams, dressed poorly and covers Dizzee Rascal. The world’s ugliest man Justin tells us he has the right look and voice for pop while wearing a feather earring and singing Lady Gaga through his nose. Wagner gives a lovely speech and then sings Candi Staton in a Brazillian accent. He looks exactly like the cowardly lion. Mary gets sad music and a sob story VT before she messes up her Coldplay performance. She’s not even a competent pub singer. She forgets the words and has the tone of a drill that really wants to please. Elesha does a perfectly fine cover of Alicia Keys and Storm pulls out all the stops doing Mariah, with pleasant wailing, whimpering and growling. Cannon fodder John Adeleye comes from nowhere to give the performance of the night. He sings Billionaire by Travie McCoy and the judges beam. The jaunty piano backing is brilliant and he bounces around knowing how well it’s going. Despite us seeing him for all of twenty seconds before tonight, he goes through and is joined by the far more desperate Storm and Mary.

4. Simon is into groups
And he gets paid for it. Just like Chloe Mafia. He’s joined by the improbably-dressed Sinitta in Marbella, which is the only judges home that actually belongs to a judge. I suppose a visit to Dannii’s bedsit wouldn’t be that much fun.
Irritating Faggot One from Diva Fever is a student and tells us ‘I don’t wanna read books me whole life.’ And that is the real problem with the modern homosexual, isn't it? He then calls Simon Darlin’ before singing Girls Aloud. Twem, the French Arab Jedward, sing Kelly Rowland and sound surprisingly strong. Princes & Rogues do a wacky cover of the Buggles and it brings as little joy as you’d expect something wacky to bring. Ropey girlband Husstle are fine while ropey boyband The Reason are shrill and just a bit old and ugly. FYD try Beggin’ with cool harmonies and bouncy dancing. Compared to John, both the singing and bouncy dancing are subpar but it is a strong audition. Simon bitches about them eing cautious and more dancers than singers because he has some inexplicable problem with them. He much prefers the bands he put together himself: girl band Belle Ami sing George Michael’s Faith while boy band 1 Direction impress with a very modern, well-sung cover of Torn. It’s mostly sung by Harry, who enunciates the word NAKED very clearly while staring at the judges. It is beyond creepy and it assures the band a place in the top 12, along with Belle Amie and FYD.

5. Cheryl’s with the girls
And has clearly been driven mad by the malaria as she makes some very odd decisions. One of which is not sending Will.I.Am home for wearing silly glasses. Simpering wimp Rebecca does Amy Winehouse doing ‘Fireflies’ and it’s haunting and old-fashioned and modern. Top marks to her! High marks must also go to Kerrie, who offers a sumptuous Green Day cover with runs that she doesn’t quite commit to. Gamu’s voice is wasted on a rather pointless Pixie Lott ballad, Annastacia is given minor Toni Braxton and Raquel does Ordinary People. Though well sung, these three and quite unsurprisingly rather pointless, minor and ordinary respectively. Treyc shrieks through Ave Maria (by Beyonce, not Schubert alas) and looks and sounds exactly like Maria Lawson. Katie wears stupid eye make-up and tells us ‘there’s no one like her in the market.’ Oh please, you could go to any veggie café or stupid open mic night find an exact replica of her. And hopefully you’d find one who can finish a whole one-minute performance in one go without crying and having to restart. For the record, that’s two times in four performances that she’s had to start again. Even more shit is Cher, who rather than admit she can’t sing has decided to have a ‘short throat.’ She half sings, half raps Cooler Than Me then gives up and must be hugged by Cheryl. She then tries again, three-quarters rapping, one-quarter singing with a silly wigger voice. JERUSALURM! When she gives up a second time, CC asks if she’ll come back later and she whispers ‘I’m done now. I’m done.’ Like she’s Eva Peron on her deathbed. She lumbers offstage and is so thin that a lackey has to open the door for her. Like Winehouse, she is now more hair than body. But the crying worked wonders as she is put through along with crier Katie and almost always about to cry Rebecca. Fun times!

A preliminary ranking of the final twelve…

1. MATT
We’ve heard him sing many times (which gives an advantage over John) and he’s never shit (which gives him an advantage over Cher). He’s not unattractive or obnoxious either. If he can mix it up and sing some boys’ songs too, he could be a very worthy winner.

2.JOHN
In a New York minute, ooooo, anything can change. I love how John has emerged as a sudden talent and he even has pretty good bookies’ odds. Time will tell whether he goes the route of the recent American Idol winners, who got very screen time, or the route of the many black contestants over the years whose names you’ve forgotten.

3. 1DIRECTION
The show needs a group to win really so I see them getting an easy ride from the judges. It also doesn’t hurt that they have at least one very good singer and the teen vote sewn up.

4. NICOLO
Is he this year’s Rhydian? They’re really building him up as this horrible diva, but with a good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.

5. STORM
Or is Storm this year’s Rhydian? They’ve given him really stupid dyed hair, to go with his almost good voice, just like they did with the Welsh poperastar.

6. FYD
FYD were definitely the least of all evils when it came to the unmanufactured groups. It’s a shame Simon has no interest in them winning.

7. REBECCA
She’s only had one good performance so far so she is still an unknown quantity. But she has never yelled the word JERUSALURM so she has one up on some

8. BELLE AMIE
Their cover of Faith was fine but they seem quite anonymous. They could amuse the staff here at Thex if they borrow some of Chloe Mafia’s outfits and do Get Sexy. In the Green home with Louis, he say Hey Sexy.

9, KATIE
I used to like Katie and her drama queen/covert bitch ways but I have no time for people who weep mid-song. Or who can’t finish a song

10. AIDAN
I have liked every song that Aidan has performed. The original, that is. I have hated all of his covers. He needs to learn to sing well, open his eyes and not take hairstyle tips from Diva magazine.

11. CHER
Cher is Aisleyne without the charm or morals. She is Westwood without the commitment to being ridiculous. She is hideously ugly. She has stupid hair. She cannot sing. She cannot rap. Based on the visual evidence, she cannot feed herself. Still, she can take solace in the fact I put Joe last on my rankings last year and clearly know nothing.

12. MARY
Or Cher can take solace in the fact that she’s better than Mary. At least I half-heartedly wonder what dreadful thing Cher will do next. At least I can do impressions of Cher when bored or drunk. JERUSLURM! Mary has nothing to offer Thex. Or the world. Back to the tills, she must go.