Thex Factor - Guilty Pleasure Week - 'I'm not that innocent'

1. It is guilty pleasures week
For our benefit, Dermot defines the term and says they’ll be singing a song they secretly love. Except I doubt they do love their songs. I doubt all of them had even heard their songs before. This would work as a theme if the contestants picked the songs themselves and therefore might have some sort of response to them.

2. Week 3 is an important one
And it’s usually Big Bang week on week 3. The fact that it’s not makes it even weirder that the Buble is a guest singer. (He is awesome, as always.) Anyway, week three as Simon rightly notes a few times is also the week that the winners sometimes emerge. It was the first time Leon won praise. It was the first week Alexandra tranned around. It was the week Leona squealed her way ‘Summertime’ and it was the week Danyl was in the bottom two and the frightful worries he might win were wonderfully destroyed.
Dannii promises this week will be ‘all guns blazing’ and that Aiden, Matt and Paije will triumph. I think the last thing Dannii should do is refer to Aiden and weapons in the same sentences. It’ll only give his serial killer persona more weight

3. Cheryl also performed
It is debatable whether she was singing live. It is not worth debating that the quality of the singing was quite weak. The song itself has a bit more to it than Fight For This Love but the big notes are a horrorshow. She also looks nervous as all hell. She makes Aiden look more relaxed by comparison. But even she cannot make Aiden look less like he’s just drowned his sister. “I thought she was a mermaid, Mummy! Honestly I did!”

On with the rankings, this week with animal comparisons…

1. KATIE – A sex kitten
Katie got the Pimp Spot this week. I wrote in my notes ‘saving the twattiest for last’ but it turns out the producers were just saving the best for last. They didn’t have half make it look like she’d be crap though. First there was the VT of last week’s horrid white girl soul: we saw her whining ‘baby baby baby’ while sounding like a mix of a budget Duffy and a premature born baby, baby, baby. There’s then the threat that she’s going to show she’s fun and Simon warning us her song choice is shit.
She’s doing The Jungle Book dressed as an Indie nightwear model. And I love it. I love the gay cabana dancers. I love her tottering around in her heels. I love the hair. Plus, like Cher tonight, she seems to have a perfect pop voice. She could be in a Disney film. Conceptually, this Swing cover is The Baseballs meets Puppini Sisters meets Paul Anka’s rock cover album. Visually, it’s Bette Page meets early Madonna meets porno set on a cruise ship. Aurally, it’s DisneyMania meets Paloma Faith if she had restraint meets Marilyn Monroe after a pack of cigs. It’s a wonderful mix of wonderful things and I have only good things to say about it.
The judges love it too and admire Katie for being a trooper and not caring or realising that everyone hates her. Three cheers for poor social awareness!

2. MATT – A grizzly bear
On his VTs, Matt’s voice is going more and more Essex. And deeper. Maybe he’s trying to make clear he’s straighter than Aiden, or at least less likely to dress up as his Mother and kill hotel guests. He says his song is the ‘definition of guilty pleasure.’ I hope it’s All I Wanna Do. Oh and he’s doing a cover with an acoustic guitar. Someone wants to be on Live Lounge. I know I keep knocking Live Lounge but sometimes it produces excellent, massive number ones.
He’s doing Baby One More Time – the Travis version! To begin, I greatly enjoy the bedroom eyes but it's not his best. I think its his phrasing that’s a little off here and he gets very nasal, in an unpleasant Toploader-ian way. That being said, some of the little quirks and interpretations are excellent. The arrangement really builds towards the end and sounds much better if you listen to it, after the fact.
Louis Walsh thinks the risk of covering Travis paid off. Cheryl Cole unwisely believes that the audience squealing is sensible feedback. Treating that as feedback is the reason Cheryl still has not learned how to sing. She needs a PDR meeting, stat!

3. REBECCA – A snake, only without the connotations of evil
Her VT this week is distracting because she actually looks pretty. She doesn’t cry or wear tranny make up. Hurrah! All I can remember is her telling us that her song needs personality. I wrote in my notes ‘In that case, I’m not sure it’s a good choice for Rebecca.’
Then I had to take it back. The song choice is awesome. She’s doing Jessica Rabbit! Fab! She’s even wearing a red dress and a red wig. If she’d worn nice pearls I would have had to vote for her. Her dress is fairly ridiculous though – it has an enormous poof on one side that makes it look like she has a conjoined twin on her hip. Cheryl should be banned from dressing her acts until she learns how to dress herself.
Cheryl and possibly Simon give her a standing o. Louis thinks Rebecca could sell records and Dannii says she’d be one of the people who buys it. What is up with the contestants singing Disney songs and exceeding all expectations? I would never had bet on those two girls being in my top three.

4. CHER – A stick insect
On her VT, we revisit Cher covering Hard Knock Life and looking like a manga happy-slapper. Cher seethes about Dannii’s fair and lukewarm criticism and wants to do more. Cher’s doing another big dance routine and Dannii worries she’ll fade into the background. She wants to see her do something simple. Learn from your sister Dannii, simple draws attention to your vocal shortcomings. Do a big routine and get your arse out Cher Lloyd, that’s how pop works!
She’s doing Blackstreet’s No Diggity. How is No Diggity a guilty pleasure? It’s a great song. Oh wait, it’s a medley with Tears for Fears’s Shout. Or James Corden’s Shout, depending on how old you are. Cher’s guilty pleasure is clearly half-assed but enjoyable bootlegs as this is two in a row. The rapping is quite good and the singing is fine in an ‘if Britney could sing live’ way. She sings a bit like an anime character too – it’s very synthetic – but sounds much weaker than the two girls who MEANT to become cartoons for a week. She continues to stomp and snarl as is de rigeur.
Louis loves the mash up and the dance routine, which I have to admit was pretty cool. Dannii is a fan this week and praises the staging and the vocals. Simon thinks it was like watching a Sunday night performance by a real act. Oh and that she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder. Happy news!

5. PAIJE – A hippo
Paije grins constantly during his VT even though his Gran’s just died and, because he’s boring and on first, he must have known he was likely to go home. In his VT we see him going shopping and loving the attention of teenage girls. The trials of being a fat popstar were clearly a 24-hour issue as there’s no mention of them this week. He tells us he loves this song this week – there are no dancers and he’s just showing off his voice. Wasn’t this the plan first week? I’m not sure that worked out.
He’s doing Richard X. Or Chaka Khan? Either way, that’s really not embarrassing. This was such a cop out. Plus, he’s singing it really well with pleasant wailing straight off the bat followed by a great deal of pleasant growling. The only ‘guilty’ part of the pleasure is that he’s doing some silly ballad arrangement of it. It’s like a Live Lounge cover that doesn’t quite work. So, like most Live Lounge covers then. Plus, he’s not Chaka. Oh and he’s wearing a dreadful, luminous red suit. Plus, again, 90s pop rapper jewellery and 90s pop rapper hair. He looks like Flavor Flav with fewer STDs and much more weight.
Louis loves the new arrangement and all the bells & whistles. He condoles Paije for his ‘very difficult personal week’ and Paije carries on grinning, even though tears win votes. Cheryl thought it was ‘the most confidence performance,’ even though we assume she was taught some grammar at school. Simon rightly hates the outfit, is indifferent to the performance but loves the ridiculous runs.

6. TREYC – A sourpuss
We are forced to rewatch her screaming tunelessly Purple Rain. The judges pretend she has a good voice and that all she needs to do is be a good performer as well. She seems to believe this lie too.
She’s doing Whole Lotta Love – it’s not the awkward, reviled Mary J Blige version but a more straightforward cover. So, not a guilty pleasure. She’s wearing a dress with pom poms for shoulders, which someone should feel guilty about. Before seeking new employment. For much of it, her voice has never sounded better but she’s lost among the gay dancers and the trannyness of her costume. The power note is a bit offkilter almost as if she wanted to abort. Then the pained shrill screaming comes in. Why won’t the judges tell her this sounds unpleasant? Oh wait, they think Mary Byrne is a good singer.
Louis likes the rock chick but Simon didn’t think she nailed the big notes. Finally. The public decide she’s a worse singer than Wagner and she ends up in the bottom two. It’s good to know that tuneless shrieking does not go unpunished. (Also, saying things like ‘I was great and the audience loved it’ when you walk offstage will not win friends and influence people either.) She covers Jennifer Hudson note for note and sounds just a little bit worse than Jennifer Hudson, note for note. Not terrible, but just worse. It’s a marked improvement on her other performances though: being a rentakit diva is clearly her wheelhouse.

7. AIDEN – A killer whale
In his VT, we are made to watch John Lennon’s second murder when Aiden took on Jealous Guy last week. His terrible vocals and then him pulling the faces of a teenage girl do nothing to make me dislike him less. He says he comes across a bit awkward then snickers awkwardly. He clearly has no intention of changing, does he? At least Leon pretended to be less of a misery! Simon thinks Aidan needs to go back to where he was week one. What, caterwauling and looking like a Tim Burton child killer? Oh yes, let’s go back to that.
He’s doing Shirley Bassey. I bet this was his choice. He’s staring at the floor but trying to look up and trying to smile. I think it’s his first time doing so. He looks just like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho – just before the credits roll and they pull the corpse’s car out of the muddy lake. Or Hannibal Lecter – just before he sniffs Clarice. It’s strange – and not unpleasant – hearing him sing in full voice, albeit affectedly, rather than just whining affectedly. On the power note, he looks like he’s been stabbed. Possibly by Cher. At other points, he curls up his lip like he’s Elvis after he’s eaten some off prawns. He sounds okay I guess – just as he does when you listen to his ‘Mad World’ cover - but he looks like a bell-end.
Cheryl Cole says Aidan was intense and that not everyone would ‘get it.’ As if some people don’t ‘get’ popstars who look psychotic. Aidan’s mentor – or is it social worker? Or parole officer? - claims it was Arctic Monkeys doing Shirley Bassey. I’m not sure they deserve the blame for any of this. I didn’t like this performance and, if I could, I would put Aidan on the naughty step for twenty minutes. Although when his last babysitter did that she suffered a terrible ‘accident’ so maybe it would be foolhardy. “I was going to sew her head back on, Mummy! Honestly I was!”

8. MARY – A regular whale
We see a VT of her weeping and forgetting her words. Again.
I feel it’s time for a recap on Mary. Can’t stop weeping. Can’t sing. Can’t remember her words. Can’t dance because of her t’robbing arthritis. Why is she popular again?
She sings more Shirley Bassey in her bizarre pub singer voice. Bellowing without feeling and pronouncing everything in a strange half-Americna, half-Irish accent. ‘Geeve’ is the most irritating example. The final power note is fine and very close to the Tom Jones original but, to use a Simon phrase, watching it was a bit like eating water. Boring and difficult.
Mary doesn’t weep or look happy when they cheer, probably because she’s come to expect it. She won’t be so smug now Louis has been on Xtra Factor saying Matt will win and Mary should be glad to make the final. Dannii wants to hear some current songs and Simon – for once – agrees with her and backs her up. And kind of completely goes back on his advice last week when he said she should do the same reheated shit every week. Simon is no consistent male role model for all the fatherless sons watching, is he?

9. ONE DIRECTION – A brood of chicks
In their VT, Liam looks more and like a cryptkeeper. Or with that side parting, Victoria Beckham. I know - same thing, same thing. Master Payne needs to eat something. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying it because I have a mother’s worries for him.
There’s then some backstage drama when Simon admits the song he picked didn’t work – and they need to do a new song. Simon completely goes against the whole nature of the X Factor VT saying they’ll be fine. Or, to quote, ‘no drama, no will they won’t they – they’ll just do it.’ Well, we knew this Simon. The same way we knew Matt would hit that High C and that we knew Alexandra would sound awesome while dancing around like she’s in a homosexual dance club. Yet you inflicted VTs with contrived drama on us then!
Turns out Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. I guess she won’t be appearing on a results show any time soon. Or maybe it’s just a guilty pleasure because only gayboys like Pink? Or maybe it’s a guilty pleasure because they can tell it’s a really really bad song. In which case they shouldn’t be singing it. And I shouldn’t be made to listen to it. I have such qualms with this theme.
They sing without making too many errors but it’s not as rousing as their Coldplay cover. That’s a message to all you future X Factor contestants reading: if you want rousing, think Coldplay.
Louis says they’re five Justin Biebers. That’s not fair – Harry and Zain look nothing like lesbians. Liam might if he ate more. Dannii doesn’t think Pink counts as a guilty pleasure. Oh and Aint Nobody does? Shush Minogue. The other judges don’t say much else of note. More interesting is the news from The Xtra Factor that only the ugly one has a girlfriend. Good news, girls – Liam is still single. If you buy enough of his records, maybe he’ll let you be his feeder.

10. BELLE AMIE – A pack of dogs
We see a VT of them refusing to sing Simon’s song and choosing their own. Cheryl asks ‘if you pick your own song, what’s the point of having a mentor?’ Don’t pull at that thread, Cheryl. Your job depends on it.
The song they demanded to sing is I’ll Stand By You, as sung well by The Pretenders and less so by Girls Aloud and the Glee Cast. I don’t see it as a song to have any strong feelings about it but then I’m not in a ropey girl band. Their version is a little cacophonous. I only had one Kopparberg but I didn’t have the energy to write anything else in my notes. Let’s assume it was serviceable in a ‘better than Addictiv Ladiez’ way.
Louis snipes at Simon, saying they have no mentor. I don’t know why Louis cares so much about them – he can’t want to sleep with any of them. Dannii thinks they’re dressing better but the song choice is dull. She also very nicely says they’re not as good as the other acts. The girls look crushed, almost as if they understand that the bad singing is more important than the good Top Shop outfits. Simon asks why Louis is such a bitch. I can think of at least one reason but it’s libellous and Louis could probably afford to sue.

11. JOHN – A phoenix, only without the rising again
In his VT, we see John get mobbed while shopping and Mary grabbing his hand and asking for his help. It must be like being back at work in the Nursing home for him! We are promised we will see the ‘Fun side’ of John. This promise is not kept. Simon says nothing about him, possibly because he has nothing to say.
I don’t recognise this song at first. All I notice is he has his hair forced back with a band and a suit so ridiculous Paije might have worn if it was three sizes bigger.
Simon gives the backing dancers the stink eye. They flail around and the camera follows them rather than John. I still don’t know the song. He seems to be singing to Sue or about a Zoo. There’s some nice falsetto but it’s all in vain I think. I wrote in my notes ‘I can’t see people voting for this.’ And once again he looks like he's about to cry. He should have done – Paije would have been in the bottom two that way.
Dannii hates the distracting dancers. In fact, the whole panel praise the singing and criticise Louis for letting the dancers distract from it. Strange none of them criticise the cameramen for following the dancers and ignoring the talent.
John lands in the bottom two and decides to sing Kelly Clarkson. And not even good Kelly Clarkson. He forgets the words but keeps going. I write in my notes ‘Good on him.’ Then he forgets them again – and yelps – and I lose all sympathy. Even though the song’s only a few years old, the performance seems ancient. Gone are the glory days of his Billionaire cover. Gone is John from the show. Louis really fucked this one up, though he deserves some credit for choosing him in the first place.

12. WAGNER – A jungle cat
On his VT, Wagner is wonderful. I love how he pronounces Paparazzi correctly. I love his hair. I love him talking about angels and the beautiful ladies.
He sings Spice Up Your Life with Cuban showgirls. It doesn’t really work as a solo. The ‘Spice Up Your Life’ chant is performed by the world’s quietest backing group. Then he does more Ricky Martin and the backing group suddenly get loud. But not loud enough to drown him out. His faces gain a Aiden-esque intensity but he doesn’t seem like such a twat. It ends with the dancers flashing him. This was the natural step up from titrubbing, I guess.
Last year I ranked Jedward first most weeks and I don’t feel remotely bad about it. Everyone else was boring or shit. This year is different. Everyone else tonight has been at least okay – and some have been amazing –so I’m disinclined to like him as much. Katie brought enough crazy for everyone and Matt and Rebecca brought excellent vocals. Wagner loses out on both fronts and so has to be last.
Dannii calls him a guilty pleasure and praises his enunciation this week. Cheryl didn’t like it this week and Simon wants to know Wagner likes what he’s doing. Wagner is very tactful saying he’d like to sing arias but is happy to ham it up because of his Latin fire. I’d like to see him do an aria – in the bottom two next week.