Thex Factor - Rock Week - 'Hey, Hey, I Wanna Be A Rockstar'

1. It is Rock week
And nothing says rock like special guests The Wanted. Wtf. The Wanted attempt a big performance with fireworks and dodgems. And it just looks a bit dangerous rather than exciting. Also, they’re very hobbity. And there is no mention of how one of them was on this show and was disqualified. Ask the tough questions, Dermot.

2. If only it was just The Wanted
We must also watch Justin Bieber – who is shrill and unpleasant. Oh and looks like Liam Payne from One Direction, but even more lesbian. And we must deal with a bunch of lies about Nicole Scherzinger. We are told she is one of the world’s biggest popstars. Even in her PCD heyday, that has never been true. We are also told this is her first solo single. When she’s already had a flop debut called Baby Love. And a duet with Enrique. And didn’t she sing Jai Ho on her own. I like the drag styling and dancing but she sounds like a slutty Minnie Mouse. There are about four breakdowns – I think she’s on stage for about ten minutes. The crowd go nuts but it may just be relief it’s over. She gets all whispery like she’s Janet Jackson. Scherzinger, you are no Janet Jackson.

On with the rankings, with clearly defined roles…




1. MATT – The frontrunner
In his VT, we get a reminder of his sweaty vest. It looks no better with hindsight. Apparently it wasn’t planned – and he’d just had a big strop about the outfit he was given. Why are the cast being honest about their backstage twattiness this year? It makes so little sense when they’re trying to win people over. Also Matt didn’t realise at first he was the last boy left. Before you think he’s stupid, I can see the confusion. He doesn’t exactly sing like a boy. He’s changing a song completely we hear. I hope this is true – the last time he ‘changed’ a song – he just covered Travis.
It’s I Love Rock N Roll. It’s so karaoke – whoever’s singing it. Even the original is karaoke. So far he hasn’t changed it at all. He writhes around with slutty dancers, which may arouse or alienate his housewife fanbase. He sings better than anyone else but still – this is weird. You keep thinking its over and then find that’s wishful thinking and another chorus comes. His power notes are fine and a bit more manly.
He looks really angry when it’s over – a little too much rock for him.
Louis says he’s consistently good – and safe for another week. Cheryl says the same. I think they’re trying to stop his fans voting with all this safe talk.
Matt next sings a ‘forgotten song’ that will capture our imaginations. He promises another total revamp.
Which we really don’t get. It’s another note for note cover. But it’s of Nights In White Satin – I love this song!!!! And I too had forgotten it. The song completely suits his voice – the whimpering, the wailing, the screaming. The last note is scarily good – and not just scary, as Wagner and Mary so often are.
Louis says it was note perfect, incredible, brilliant. Cheryl says it’s his best yet and Simon says it’s genius. Another easy victory for Curdle.

2. WAGNER – The jester
He’s living in a hotel and we see a picture of him in his pants. Errr. He’s the only one who doesn’t get to go shopping for his charity single during his VT. Maybe he doesn’t sing on it? He’s singing a song everybody knows but nobody is expecting. Unless you read the spoilers. Which I did.
He sings Creep. And he actually sings it – he doesn’t prance around with the slutty dancers. His eyes don’t threaten to fall out of his head. No, no. He just sings and he sounds better than Mary ever has. I quite enjoyed it. For all the right reasons.
The judges are quite complimentary though there is some covert bitchery when Dannii kind of calls him a creep and Cheryl gives the snake eyes.
Next he tries Robert Palmer. I write in my notes “OH fuck yes!” The capitals and punctuation say it all. I was excited but it’s not great – and the dancing is not as big as it could have been. It’s just fine – not as awful as he’s been, or as fun as he was the first week – just a little flat
Dannii says he’s ‘Back to the Wagner we know’ and the vocal was full of ‘out of tune singing.’ Simon then calls Wagner fascinating.
Not fascinating enough though as he ends up in the bottom two. In line with his Creep cover, he decides to go all meta- and also actually sing. He sings Unforgettable with a resigned grin – he knew he would be voted off against anyone else. Even Katie Weasel.



3. KATIE – The tabloid star
We see a VT where the judges pretend her massacre of Help last week was good.
Katie’s hair still looks like a wig but everyone’s pretending the look is good too. The whole world’s a stage sometimes. Katie tells us ‘the mask is being removed’ like she’s a Greek actress and not a reality TV hamster. Louis is glad the stupid hair is gone and Katie says she’ll show the real her. Again. It’s quite funny the way the VT keeps flicking between the new ‘real Katie’ and publicity stills of a clearly fake blonde Katie wearing stupid forehead jewellery.
She sings that song about one’s Sex being on Fire. The coos and sex noises work quite well. Her yelling ‘woo’ and letting the backing vocalists sing the whole chorus works less well.
Dannii says it was frantic and trying too hard. Simon says it was fun and risky – then the audience chant. He concludes with ‘Only you, after the week you’ve had, could come out and sing your sex is on fire.’ I think this is some reference to her family life
Katie tells us her second song is very relevant. Really? Are there many songs about your gran being a whore?
It’s Everybody Hurts. Oh Cheryl is getting lazy. This is one of the songs foisted on Vickers when she wasn’t going to win anymore. It’s quite fake – the hands clutching at nothing, the furrowed brows. She is an actress in a bad way. But it was better than Cher manga rapping or Mary shouting. Some of the yelling and pained wailing is quite pleasant.
Simon didn’t like that the song was only a minute and a half long. Then why have a show where people sing for a minute and a half? Why not ask them to sing fewer songs for longer? All the judges are more positive, which I think is fair. It’s all moot though. She’s voted off and doesn’t sing her goodbyes.

4. ONE DIRECTION – The ones ‘they’ want to win
Simon now appears to know their names and the girls in the audience squeal for them. What good news for them. They are adored! In their VT, they say their main competition comes from the best singers. Well, duh. They also aren’t happy with a charity #1, they want one in their name (where they get to keep the proceeds.) They’re coming off quite calculated – maybe they’re not as stupid as the Irish one looks.
They’re singing Bryan Adams. I write ‘Oh shite.’ This song reminds me of too many bad club nights. It’s just too awful. Their serviceable voices aren’t enough to make this less painless. Nor is the standard One Direction backing track that sounds a bit like Since U Been Gone. They have more backing dancers than Wagner usually has. Simon doesn’t get out of his chair this week. Maybe he hates the song too.
Cheryl liked the foot stamping – I bet she likes traffic jams too. It turns out Harry picked the song. I thought more of him. He has let me down.
Before their second song, Simon says ‘You know what’s coming?’ I assumed I knew the answer. It would be a song performed fine by a slightly above average looking group of boys to a Kelly Clarkson album track backing. Turns out I was wrong. The second song is as their VT claimed a lot more challenging.
It is You Are So Beautiful. Liam’s hair is bigger than his waist. He sings in a very Butlins way. Harry sounds a little more interesting. A little.
‘It may be the best of the night,’ I wrote in my notes before Matt sang – and before my man cold made me bitter, but it’s not exciting. Oh and the Irish one and the ugly one don’t get to sing. Ha!
Louis says it’s not a rock song and Simon tells him to read a book. A book about Joe Cocker, we assume. Reading London Fields probably wouldn’t help with this issue.

5. REBECCA – The one with the ‘best’ ‘voice’
The clips of her Yesterday from last week sound very wimpy. Simon says she has the best voice in the competition and she’s the one to beat. I bet Matt sticks two new pins in his doll after that. Or probably straight into Rebecca. I doubt she’d even feel them going on.
Shes doing U2 with a Sade, Corrine Bailey Rae style backing. She’s also wearing a revolting leopard print dress. It’s weird. She moves very little – on the spot of course – and manages to keep her eyes open a bit more often. The performance is very slow and a little dull as hers usually are – but even more so because they’ve slowed the song down so much.
Dannii would like her to not just stand there like a corpse. Dannii also goes out of her way to say it wasn’t boring, when it so clearly was. Simon thought it was stiff but that she has the most beautiful, unique voice. And Rebecca nods. Ha!
In her second VT, she says she’s been put ‘in a miserable box.’ Possibly because the first few weeks of the contest weeping. And all the weeks since with her eyes slammed shut looking miserable and uncomfortable,
She sings Rolling Stones meets the Dreamgirls. She sounds better than usual- she doesn’t make weird high pitched noises for the first time in weeks. And the backing singers are in Supremes dresses – and there are trumpeters – oh, it’s all a lot of fun. It was probably better than Katie but I am loath to change the rankings now.
Louis had Motown flashbacks. Dannii says it vintage, original and liked she was less corpselike. Three of them compare her to Aretha. Oh please. It’s one thing comparing Leona to 90s divas, or comparing One Direction to JLS, but comparing this limpet to Aretha is just taking the piss. The judges need to stop hyping this girl. It will all end badly for everyone.

6. CHER – The also ran
In Cher’s VT, Cheryl tells Cher to see being in the bottom two (and knowing now she can’t possibly win) as a positive. She gives no details how or why. She’s a good mentor, not a great one. It’s pop rock this week apparently, which is clearly not keeping to the theme. She wants to ‘tear da whole roof off.’ Cher needs some new slang urgently.
She’s singing Avril Lavignes girlfriend with rapping – presumably her own lyrics but I don’t know. If anyone knows send me a message. I want to know whether I watched a dope mash up or some sick freestyle rhymes. She raps quite quickly and it’s better than when Vickers did it and I liked Vickers. (Oh yes – another of Cheryl’s acts got to rehash one of Vickers’s worst performances. Cheryl’s eyes are clearly on a different prize.) The choruses are rap-less and she looks more like a manga character than ever.
It’s fun but little else.
Dannii says it was complex – compared to her, I suppose – and both her and Simon thought it was her best performance ever. I don’t understand why.
Cher tells the public to pick up their phones if they ever want to see her again. It’s nice she recognises that contestants don’t often get careers after the show. She’s less likely to have a breakdown already knowing that.
In her next VT, she hints her second song is played out. There are promises of explosions and risk taking.
It’s Walk This Way. I write ‘Ha!’ in my notes. It’s kind of funny Cheryl’s setting one of her act’s a song she’s covered. When will someone sing one of Dannii’s hits? Matt could do a mean All I Wanna Do I’ll bet.
It’s pointless. The rapping is a little clunky and slow. The singing is a little shrill. She looks like N-Dubz if they were on the Simpsons. Or a clown. It’s fucked up.

7. BIG FAT MARY – The Pub singer
In her VT we learn she likes the troops. Oh big shocker. I bet she thinks there’s too many foreigns about too. She’s singing a track by one of Irelands best known bands. Jedward? U2? Apparently she connects to the song and it reminds her of her daughter’s father, her only love. It’s unclear whether he’s dead or just went off to find someone thinner.
She sounds significantly less awful than usual. She’s almost soft on the verses. Almost. She doesn’t yell until at least halfway, which is much better than every note. I quite liked that too.
She tears up at the end and the audience chant her name.
Cheryl says she connects with every song. I call bullshit as she sings every song, regardless of the lyrics, as if she’s yelling at a nuisance neighbour. Mary hopes U2 enjoyed it but doesn’t make any claims about her own abilities, which again is an improvement. I would so give Mary a sticker after that.
There is VT talk of imminent ‘hot dance moves’ for her second performance. I remember fondly how she struggled in Boot Camp with her t’robbing knees and art’ritis. I hope she will fall – or say ‘You know what, sod it’ then sit down – but it doesn’t happen.
I write in my notes ‘Yuk – Pretenders’ even though I like Pretenders. I think it’s the idea of Mary singing anything that puts me in a mood. And she’s dressed as Cher Lloyd. A fat Cher Lloyd. It’s weird and very midtempo and completely undoes all her good work on the U2 number. No wonder nobody voted for it. (Though the question remains why they voted any other weeks.)
She belts away in the bottom two. She shakes her fists and gives the cameras evils. And screams and yells as if she’s attacking a bathroom attendant. But it’s not her worst.