Thex Factor - Semi Finals - 'It's Not Over Yet'

These are the salient facts before we begin...

1. It is the semi final
And oh it’s dramatic. Losing isn’t an option and they want it so bad, the contestants tell us. Matt says they only have this one opportunity to be successful. Unless you’re a real pop star in which case you have a series of opportunites failures and comebacks

2. It is dance and manipulative ballad week
I can’t think of a better way to describe this loose theme. Dermot calls it ‘dancefloor blockbusters’ and ‘a song to get them into the final.’ Or in Cher’s case, a RIGGED vote will do it. That’s if you believe the tabloids.

3. There are guest performers
The Glee cast are autotuned. The Black Eyed Peas perform a terrible dance track. Alexandra Burke looks like a man. I'm not sure which of these statements is the most surprising.

Here comes the rankings, this time with teacher’s comments

1. REBECCA – This is very good for you. Good girl.
In VT one, Rebecca makes out she’s born on a big journey since her audition. She’s gone from staring at the floor to keeping her eyes clamped shut and looking like a big corpse. She then talks gushingly about people spending phone credit voting for her. Oh how the other half live! Everyone I know thinks in ‘minutes,’ not ‘credit.’
She’s singing Show Me Love by Robin S. Ace! Her voice suits it even if it is a little dreary. Cheryl Cole sampled this for the Brits so it’s obviously a firm favourite for the former thug. I wouldn’t say Rebecca dances – or even sings it uptempo – but there is lots of dancing going on around her. Though confusingly the dancers wear black, which makes the whole thing a bit funereal. She looks miserable and does silly high notes. What else is new?
Simon looks pleased and says she’s cool and controlled. Or cold and dull. Thank god the second performance was better. If a little cold and still quite dull.
Next we hear she’ll sing a beautiful song that touches everyone. Special, special, special, they say. There’s talk we’re all going to weep. Iris is played as the VT backing music – I so hope she does Iris but I know it’s unlikely.
She sings Amazing Grace. Its lovely and I sit and drink and listen and don’t type. Until some silly high notes spoil it and I type ‘silly high notes.’ Still, she was the best on a weak night.

2. MATT – You can do better. Try to focus and watch your handwriting
In VT one, we see a few seconds of his wonderful Moody Blues cover. He then says ‘Check out where I am now’ and destroys her painter everyman image quite egregiously. There is then VT drama about his illness – and shots of his Mum bringing him hot drinks. See, times like this living at home is more ‘ideal’ than he had claimed. We then see him mising all his rehearsals – lying in sweaty sheets, listening to his ipod. Ha!
He sings You Got The Love – by that really interesting artist who you’ve probably not heard of, Florence and her Machine. His voice sounds girlish and faltering. It is unclear what effect this mystery illness is having for that reason. He’s playing an electric guitar that’s not plugged in. His eyes are red and watery again. The big notes will not be as impressive – he sounds a bit drunk. Still better than Rebecca’s first performance and subtler than Mary.
SC bitches he had a cold too – and didn’t go on and on about it
In his second VT, he looks no less sweaty in every shot. The second song will be very romantic, which is his strength. I think after tonight looking sweaty is his new strength.
He sings She’s Always a Woman , or the John Lewis song. I love the song so and it’s such a shame he has a cold. It’s also a shame the song involves lots of quick singing and less manly growling or iffeminate wailing. It doesn’t suit him much. He looks bored and a little pissed. He’s either very out of time or not discussed the arrangement with whoever’s playing the piano. It just goes from bad to worse very quickly, much like Konnie Huq’s presenting or Liam Payne’s purging.
Louis says he’s ‘so going through’ and is clearly encouraging the public to assume he’s safe. CC saw the stinkface but blames his illness and Simon says it was his worst song ever. That does not help the stinkface. I still hope and believe Matt will win but he will need to get the housewives blubbing next week and do his best girlish wailing next week for that to happen.

3. ONE DIRECTION – A little hit and miss. Please try to be consistent
In VT one, Zain gropes Harry and has his hand batted away. Ha! They kept this secret well. Everyone’s gaydar was pointed at the Irish one. Zain is also very excited to meet Joe McElderry. The plot thickens.
They sing Rihanna. With poorly changed lyrics? Of course. Liam looks more like a dyke than Rihanna ever could. It’s a strange choice to cover a song that was performed on the show only a few weeks ago.
Cheryl felt the same – and thought it was strange to compete with a song that’s still top ten. You know if they’d done Promise This, she wouldn’t have a problem. In hindsight, their Rihanna cover wasn’t great but at least it wasn’t as painful as the others below this.
In VT two, the dead relative card is played. I think we are very briefly shown a picture of Zain with his family, one of whom is now dead. Poor Zain missed rehearsals to grieve.
The performance of Chasing Cars was bloody dull. Even for a performance of Chasing Cars. I wrote nothing about it and had only bored thoughts throughout. I think at one point I pumiced my heels and wanted to apply some ladies’ lotion.
Dannii used the word ‘classy’ instead of bloody dull but I think we can read between the lines there. She wants to keep her job.

4. MARY – Good try
She tells us that in the bottom two, she sang with every bit of passion that God gave her. Note she doesn’t claim that God gave her any talent. This is progress.
She says, regarding her dancefloor blockbuster, she wants people to bop along at home and she wants to act like she’s in a disco. She’s so unhip, even for a checkout lady.
She sings Never Can Say Goodbye – wearing a horrendous sparkly dress, almost as bad as the ones being sold on The Apprentice the other week. Her hollering is okay but I’m not going to get excited. I think the gay dancers prancing around her have the country’s quota of excitement
Dannii says Mary has her mojo back – haven’t they been saying that for weeks? Does the mojo leave and come back every week, like an attention seeking child that keeps running away?
Simon calls Louis gay and Louis says no, you are. In equally insipid news, the judges like Mary. I do a little bit more but not enough.
For her second introduction, Louis tells us she’s going to sing her heart out and she needs votes. Ha! It’s quite an achievement to fit so much pity praise into a two sentence introduction.
I was busy pity voting for Matt so I missed the beginning of Marys performances. But, professional blogger that I am, I rewound and watched it from the beginning
I kind of regret this. She sings The Way We Were – I much preferred when they sang it during Sex and the City. It was less shouty then.
She cries at the end. Oh Mary, you ignite my inner cynic so. I call so much bullshit about this crying. (Plus, it doesn’t even work as Mary is given the boot the next night after a shouty James Brown cover.)
Dannii says she looks gorgeous and Mary then seems to pull out a dead parent card. How many of that card are in the deck?

5. CHER – This is not good enough
There is much business in VT one with her Nan. Her Nan is suspiciously young, even for someone as scal as Cher. And, also, where is Mum?
There is then lots of stuff about how she’s not really cocky. When she stomps around stage snarling, it’s not because she’s an arse, she assures us – it’s just an affectation. Good to know.
She sings the less good B.O.B. single – the one about beautiful girls. It doesn’t really work when a girl sings it. And even less well when Cher does. I like the manga little miss Disney princess voice but I’m not sure how well that fits with her ‘street’ image. The bells are clanging more than ring a dingin. She keeps saying Hello in a Dick Van Dyke accent for no discernible reason. That’s better than yelling JERUSALERRRRM but also much less funny.
In VT number two, we learn song number two is emotional. In fact, she’s never known a song that has brought out such emotions in her. Apart from that song that made her weep. Twice. Apparently it really defines where she is in this competition.
The judges worry about the song choice and think she’ll be compared to the original. I heard a rumour she’s doing Fight for This Love. I said this last week but someone urgently needs to cover All I Wanna Do.
Turns out she’s not covering a judge or singing a song with any real emotion to it. She’s singing Love The Way You Lie, which is not so much a song as an excuse to get Rihanna on your comeback to sell more records.
The high notes are pretty rough and the big stage draws attention to how limp this song is. Also, what does it have to do with her X Factor dreams?
Dannii says she only liked the singing towards the end – possibly because it was about to end. She also thought a ballad would have milked more votes. Cheryl admits they’re not really competing anymore. Which might be why Cher ended up in the bottom two. Again. She has the advantage of being less unmarketable than Mary, and sings her Britney song with her usual High School Musical inflections better than Mary shouts, so she stays in.
There will be four people in the final, if Cher bothers to show up. She must know she can’t win


Kisses,
Thexy