Thex Factor 7 – G-get it, g-get it, uh. G-get it, g-get it, woah.

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Manchester bloggers’ blog week on Thex Factor.
We have a rather astonishing 3 (but hopefully 4) guest columnists this week. I am very excited by this. 4 of us took notes en masse and ate peanuts.

Chris is a writer who blogs and writes novels. Sian is no fool. Sian is very up-and-coming in the way that I am very up-and-coming but she doesn’t have a blog. Maybe if she tries hard in all her exams she can have one too! Martin blogs but he was too ill to take notes with us.

2. It is also Britney Spears week
This is clearly less exciting than the fact that it’s Manchester bloggers’ blog week but it is still a salient fact.
During the results, Britney mimes Womanizer and dances rather sluggishly but she doesn’t look drunk or fat so I guess we’re still calling this a comeback. She sadly doesn’t sing her new song where she spells out ‘Fuck Me.’ It's called ‘If U Seek Amy.’ It's ace.
Britney is not the only guest. Miley Cyrus does a Diet Alanis song and also is probably not singing live. It’s not great and it’s shoved at the end of the performances which makes it feel yet more disposable.
[Cyrus is prone to the same mispronunciation as Diana. She buys all her clothes in the Arndale Centre's no-name shops. Rock! - Sian]
[I kind of hope she walks into one of the pyrotechnics. She has a strange voice and can't seem to keep still. What is she getting all excited about? – Chris]

3. There were adverts.
These adverts were more entertaining than some of the performances. As is my understanding: Pizza Hut now sell Pasta, Argos sell Christmas gifts and many artists have albums out now.

4. It is a sad day.
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth is off. Lorenzo, Lorenzo will dance no more. Or rub her hair. Or hike up her skirt. Or weep beautiful, Spanish tears. Or shout. Or sit on her Mamma’s scarf.
Making things worse, there’s still that rumour lingering that Beyonce’s going to appear on the final, duetting with one of the finalists. We’ll never get to see Beyonce and Ruth doing Beautiful Liar together. Beyonce, Beyonce. Lorenzo, Lorenzo. It would have been brilliant. Though Alex doing If I Were A Boy will still be fun. It’s not a big ‘If’ after all.
This is the first elimination that made me sad. Well, unhappy sad, rather than loser sad. I will miss this woman, her mangled pronunciation and her comically-heaving bosom. I don’t really care who wins anymore as Diana’s gone a bit shit.


On with the rankings...

1. BEAUTIFUL SPANISH RUTH – ‘Saying to yourself this here ain’t fair’
BSR’s first VT is heartbreaking if you watch it after the event. She speaks of how good she’s got and we see clips of how all the judges love her. There’s a montage of her being brilliant and having subtly different hairdos every week. There’s also a montage of Alex being good for some reason, which perhaps should have made BSR’s eventual booting less of a shock.
She’s on first because the man doesn’t want her to stay and people who sing sooner are more at risk. She sings I Love Rock ‘N Roll for no other reason than because she loves rock ‘n roll. It is great and involves very melodic shouting. There’s also a mechanical bull and a lot of hair-flicking and full-body heaving. Oh and she says ‘dance with may’ instead of ‘dance with me,’ Britney-style. When in Rome I guess.
The judges are positive. Cheryl’s grammar continues to confuse me. There’s some business between BSR and Simon where Ruth explains there was a bull because ‘I thought you liked bulls.’ Simon’s reply is ‘I could say the same about you.’ It makes no sense.
[Beforehand Cheryl Someone-or-Other says this performance will be 'the weirdest thing ever.' It is 'I love Rock N' Roll'. It's not very weird. I watch this one while trying to eat a pizza. There is a 'triumphant' keychange towards the end. I write 'foghorn' on my sheet. There is confusing talk afterwards – I'm not sure what's going on; I just want to finish my pizza. – Chris]

Ruth’s second performance is of Always by Bon Jovi. This was the first single I ever bought. I was told I was only allowed 1 tape so I went back the next day to buy Rhythm of the Night by Corona. Always was also the first song Ruth ever learned in English. This is yet more evidence that Ruth and I should be friends.
She has a devilish graphic backdrop, all fire and brimstone. It is quite a frightening two and a bit minutes. That said, she is awesome and attention-monopolising.
Cheryl is right when she says that it got a bit shouty. The wailing verged on being unpleasant which is rare for Ruth. Simon praises the performance for being incredibly emotional and Ruth for being determined. Neither ‘emotional’ nor ‘determined’ equal ‘good’ but I think Simon was trying to be flattering.
[I thought if I heard another superlative I'd be sick. Pass the best bucket we've...ever...seen...on...this...show... BSR did a great shouty performance that made Simon babble the goalposts into a whole new position. – Sian]
[This truly was a scary performance. Accompanied by a wall of flame Ruth turned 'I will Love You Baby Always' into a furious threat. At one point near the end I thought she was going to explode and braced myself. At the end her face melted with emotion and Cheryl said it sounded like 'it came from the pit of your stomach' which although supposed to be a compliment was actually insinuating that it sounded like she was throwing up. – Martin]

Enough talk of vomit, bloggers. Ruth’s last performance – an encore of Always – was brilliant. Like Purple Rain, Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, Love Ain’t Here Anymore and Angels. Bye bye Ruth.


2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Don’t get strung out ‘bout the way I look. Don’t judge a book by its cover’
Her first VT reminds us of previous Leona comparisons and shows Alex being hoarse and tranny but still very good. We learn she’ll have 14 dancers and all the dancing will make her vocals less good. I’m sorry for sounding teenage but – duh. She says leaving this week would kill her. They make such fuss these people. Don’t they?
She sings Toxic and it doesn’t really work. Mainly because of the Tran factor. Her red leather jacket is two sizes too big, as if she bought it before she started transitioning. She’s also got scary, tranny eye make-up. It’s just a bit too Alexander/Alexandra for me.
The singing part isn’t much better because Toxic isn’t so much about the singing. Or singing live anyway. The whole thing’s processed to hell. That’s its charm.
Alexandra on the other hand is very much about the singing. That’s her charm. So having her out of breath and struggling to hit notes was wrong. Cheryl seems to understand this to an extent – as there’s a mimed vocodery bit – but it still wasn’t for me.
The judges love it because they liked the spectacle. More fool them. Simon Cowell says that if this contest was based on talent rather than popularity, Alex would be in the final. This was meant to be nice but also: Ha! He just said the frontrunners aren’t talented. And that Alex isn’t popular.
[She looked like an X-man. Not an ex-man. Though I could see the 'tranny' thing a couple of times when the camera caught her face wrong – Martin]
[I like that it was a hotel-themed Toxic - there's a luggage trolley on stage and she's wearing a shower curtain. She sang the last 'you know that you're toxic' like she was saying 'you know that I'm not going to tip you'. She didn't sing 'steak egg and chips I'm outta here' like Britney does. – Sian]

Alexandra’s second VT is endlessly weepy. I suppose because the song she’s about to sing isn’t as jolly as Toxic. There’s talk of her tackling an impossibly big vocal. It could ruin her etc. etc. etc. Except she’s already sung this song at Cheryl’s house. We all saw it. It was shown on TV a few months ago. She sang it well. Yet more VT bullshit.
Alexandra’s second performance is the best of the night. Her tone is wonderful when its matched to the right song. She somehow makes the Beyonce song Listen more preposterous and wonderful. She does her own runs and doesn’t play copycat. She also has a flattering dress on and her hairdo is more feminine than we’re used to. It is awesome and earns a deserved standing ovation from the judges.
The judges bathe Alex in spit. Louis likes her because she sings and dances. His words, not mine. Simon likes her because she’s ‘decent off-camera’. Or, no one calls her Princess Diana because she’s such a twat. Dannii says nothing interesting. Cheryl weeps and gushes. This is yet more evidence that she’s not a racist.
[There was weird crying beforehand. I don't know what everyone is getting so upset about. It is just a TV programme. Calm down. – Chris]


3. DIANA – ‘It’s not my fault. I’m not to blame.’
Diana was on last because the producers want her to stay. Performing last is called the ‘pimp spot’ on American Idol, fact fans. Her VTs have become a bit mopey now as there aren’t any clips from the week before of her being very good. Because she hasn’t been very good for quite some time.
We learn that the Britney song she’s singing completely summarises her life and where she is. It’s I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. Written by Dido. For a Britney vanity project film. When that song defines you, you may be a bit shallow.
Diana starts off writhing around on a chair in her bare feet. She gets up and the vocals don’t improve. Her shit is quite old now and I don’t know why Cheryl keeps giving her MOR radio favourites every week. We all know Diana shines doing Blondie and showing her pants.
The judges are less than positive. Louis thinks her shit has got old too and scolds her for not dancing. The first part is right but the second part makes Louis look like an idiot. Or like he needs all his pop served with dancers whoring or fagging around. Dannii says it was pitchy and tentative, which is fair. Simon says she’s in trouble.
[Kind of fancy her at first. I think, 'Why can't she work in the Somerfield near me?' She wanders around without her shoes on, singing in an odd voice, pronouncing things strangely. I make the note 'ferrity throat'. 70% successful keychange. Good ruffled hair at the end. Consider finding and 'friending' her on Facebook when I get home. She is only 17, though – Chris]

She almost redeemed herself with just one line of Everybody Hurts. I stopped being angry at least. Her tone works for me, mainly because I know what words she’s trying to say. (I don’t know how her voice will work when she releases original songs.) The song also suits a bit of pleasant wailing. Everybody cries, everybody wails I suppose. There’s a lot of growling and ugly noises and ugly faces. She looks possessed and there’s a nice, whispered ‘no, no’ bit. She looks like she’s trying this time. Thankfully.
The judges are positive. Though Louis says she’s the worst girl left. This is true but also: Ha! Simon says it was a million times better than her first song. Well, no. The first song was a 3 and this was a 7 at best. I’m bored of his hyperbole. Cheryl says she’s a little fighter. I think a celebrity thug like Cheryl Cole should talk about fighting less but praise is praise. There’s another reminder that Diana was ill a few weeks ago and that’s why she’s been so shit. Vote 4 Diana etc. etc. etc. It doesn’t wash with me.
[She is wandering around again without her shoes on. Don't worry, Diana. Everything will be okay. She seems very 'curious' about things – like something as simple as a bottle of showergel might make her get all confused and 'cute' over it. I don't know. I have stopped fancying her by now, even though she has good hair at the end again. – Chris]
[Because the clocks have gone back, and the song is relentlessly miserable, they put big light boxes on the stage to alleviate depression. There was good, dirty, growly singing to help with this too – Sian]


4. JLS – ‘Don’t want no short, short man’
They sap my strength I swear. The moody VT focuses on them being in the bottom two and everyone being ‘devastated’ but still badass and gangsta. They wanted to tell Simon Cowell to hurry up and vote Rachel off. Such rudeboyz. I wish they had done that. They also use the term ‘a whisker’ to signify something very small. That’s such an old lady term. They confuse me.
The little one who does all the singing feels guilty because he did all the singing and no one liked the singing. This is strange logic. Surely the ones who just stood there should feel more guilty. They did even less to court votes than sing badly.
The VT then focuses on Louis’s ridiculous song choice: Baby One More Time.
Thankfully JLS don’t wear their school uniforms. We learn JLS are less manly than Britney Spears. And less gangsta too. (See those stupid jackets they wear for proof.) The whole thing is awful. They’re flat which seems incredible on Britney week. Her songs are written for someone with rather a limited range. The growling helps a little but not enough.
There are ‘We love JLS’ screams from the audience. No one loves JLS. Dannii is positive because she doesn’t want Louis to make her cry again. There’s no other explanation. Cheryl says it was bad and Simon chooses to summarise it with one word: ‘limp.’ He then lists all the ways that it was ‘lame’. Then why not summarise it with the word ‘lame?’ Silly Simon.
[They did 'Hit me baby one more time' and I have to say I don't think I would ever tire of hitting them. Especially the tiny lead singer who, like everyone else on the show, had a 'CRY' button on his back that could be pressed at the end of the song. For some unexplained reason the group performed in front of a metal bar, sole purpose of which seemed to be for them to lean on like winos at the start of the song. One guy’s jacket was so shiny I could see my face in it. The judges gave them a kicking. When Simon referred to them as both 'Limp' and 'Lame,' it made me 'Laugh' at 'Louis'. – Martin]
[I write 'dirty bitches' on my sheet. They are overdramatic and confusing. I write 'idiot menchildren' on my sheet. I am trying to digest the pizza. There is a '2 out of 10' keychange. Afterwards, Simon Cowell says something about someone being 'literally insane'. At this point I feel confused and kind of want to go home. – Chris]

Their second VT features Puff Daddy’s Godzilla theme as its soundtrack. There’s nothing more gangsta than Puff Daddy film tie-ins to JLS!
They then do that Leann Rimes song about God lighting up your life. It can’t be wrong when it feels so right. So many nights I sit by my window. That one. I think they’re after the God vote what with this song choice and what with their mormon reggae cover last week.
They sing terribly and wear bright white boyband suits. They oversing and yet undersing in the sense they can’t hit the notes. Boyz II Men would find the whole thing dated. And limp. Then probably list all the ways it was lame as Simon sucked on the end of a biro.
The judges say this performance was much better, which is true, and that it was good, which is not true. Cheryl and Dannii have a big old laugh about the fact that they weren’t dancing, even though Louis had scolded Diana for not dancing. It’s a nice moment. It looks like the two lady judges are having fun and don’t hate each other all the time.
[For their second song I have written down in my notes 'BORING' – Martin]


5. EOGHAN – ‘She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s Miss United States’
On his VT, Eoghan calls Cheryl maybe the most beautiful girl in the world. Don’t kiss ass, Quiglet. He’s also starting to get spots. This is bad for him. His whole popularity is based on him looking prepubescent. If his skin goes, and things start dropping and sprouting, it’s all over for him.
There’s a lot of VT drama about Eoghan singing a Britney song. Because Britney’s a girl and Eoghan’s a boy. I have 2 points to make.
1) He did fine on Mariah week, which required more singing
2) Whatevs – Eoghan’s not exactly a trucker. Most girls are bigger than him.
There’s an American Sweethearts theme on stage, with girls in 50s skirts and boys in silly jackets snogging. Eoghan’s doing Sometimes, which is all about virginity and learning. He’s lyrically very much in his comfort zone. He promises everyone listening that he’ll hold them tight and treat them right and be with them day and night. See – you don’t need to leave the house. Eoghan will love you.
The belting is nice and there is a Diana-style claw clamped to the side of his head when he does the difficult bits. When I say ‘difficult’, I mean the bits where Eoghan starts shouting to seem more talented.
Dannii thought it was pitchy and the choreography was too young for him. This is strange advice as we’re generally encouraged to see Eoghan as a cutely pitchy eight year-old. Or a Smurf. Cheryl said he was cute, but not great, and Simon said it was okay. High praise indeed. In other news, Dermot knows the word ‘ambivalent.’
[I don't understand this man and why this is the first time he's had 'ambivalent feedback'. He was glowing from the willy fiddling he's been doing all week because Mrs Cole wants to be his Mrs Robinson. – Sian]

The second performance upsets me. The theme is St. Patrick’s High School Musical. You read that right. It’s as exploitative as it sounds.
Now I don’t mind High School Musical. I like when the fat girl dances. I like the bits where we’re meant to believe Zac Efron plays sports. I like the whole ‘being in a musical is an alternative lifestyle’ thread that runs through them. But I don’t want to see this bizarre manchild chanting ‘Wildcats. Here we go.’ Because it’s lies. He’s never been in a basketball team called the Wildcats. He’s never had a pet rat called Ben either. Eoghan is a big fraud.
The song requires almost no singing after the first thirty seconds. The backing track does it all for him. The backing dancers do all the dancing too so Eoghan can just stand there. And sway. And bop.
Louis Walsh thought it was a little busy. Though he’s been bleating on tonight about how much he likes dancing, it appears he doesn’t like too much dancing. The other judges are immensely positive. Eoghan does his disgusting leering grin when Dermot reads out his voting number. His head wobbles like the Churchill dog. He smiles likes he’s just finished the swimsuit round of Little Miss Wyoming. Or like he’s mentally ill.
[I write 'this should be stopped' on my sheet. Towards the end he gets lifted into the air by some of the backing dancers and peers around at the crowd and the ceiling like a curious, precocious baby. Do I fancy some of the backing dancers? I don't know. Possibly, in a really 'obvious' way. I feel like a perverted 70-year-old man – Chris]
[He jigged about the stage with the grace and flow of a Thunderbirds puppet accompanied by at least 300 dancers. At many points I lost track of him and half expected (read: really wanted) him to be trampled underfoot. Louis babbled on about dancing like the petulant child he is and everyone else cooed over little Eoghan like broody aunties - Martin]
[This was a bobby-socked Earth Song. Where's school disco Jarvis to moon at him? – Sian]

A very special thanks to my special guests. Who didn't mime.
In other news, my Dad thought Ruth was rubbish. He's a difficult man to please. This is why I have such Daddy issues.