These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. There were four judges
One is media mogul Simon Cowell, who comes with bad hair but lovely teeth. One is music manager Louis Walsh, who comes with a ratty smile but a sense of fun. One is celebrity sibling Dannii Minogue, who comes with a stiff face but clear opinions. One is celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, who comes with poor grammar but a warm personality.
2. There were 12 acts.
3 are young boys. 3 are young girls. 3 are groups. 3 are over 25 and hence very old. 1 was the winner. 1 drank in Shayne Ward’s pub. 1 has a dead wife. 1 was beautiful and Spanish.
3. There were guests and themes.
Sometimes the guests were the themes. There was a Mariah week and a Britney week, for example. Everyone had to sing Mariah and Britney songs on these weeks. Sometimes the guests had no link to the themes. Almost all the other guests are, or have been, on Simon Cowell’s books. Girls Aloud and Same Difference, for example.
4. Alexandra won.
She released Hallelujah as her reward and lots of people got very upset. A lot of these people hadn’t heard of Jeff Buckley until they started sixth form. I’m not upset by this cover. In fact, I want to go on to the X Factor and sing ‘Oh Whatever’ to the tune of Hallelujah. With a gospel choir, the gay one from Westlife and plastic reindeer on stage.
5. There were guest columnists.
Matt Jackson, Will Longhill, Dorian Campbell, Martin Higgins Sian Cummins and Chris Killen were lively and mean-spirited. Thanks to, and hurrah for, them all.
On with the end-of-series rankings…..
1. BEAUTIFUL, SPANISH RUTH – ‘I am beautiful in every single way’
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s VTs mainly focused on her being beautiful and Spanish. A few VTs were downbeat because Ruth had been in the bottom two the week before. We saw Mama Lorenzo and the Mediterranean sea. She was accused of being a bit shouty.
Ruth’s performances were almost always a bit shouty. I have no problem with this. I can’t raise my voice so I admire those who can. Ruth’s subdued performances (that Top Gun song, that Mariah song) weren’t very good anyway. The ones with the shouting were all hilarious, particularly when she reimagined Gershwin’s lullaby Summertime as a crazed mob cry. The living wasn’t so easy then. Ironically, Ruth’s very best performances came when she was in the bottom two. It goes without saying that there was some very pleasant shouting from Ruth on those occasions.
Ruth got her boobs out almost every week. She did full-body heaving as if she had a bad cough. She rubbed and flung about her big hair too. She was glorious and she was voted off just as she was getting better.
Best Thex Factor moment: After Simon commented on the mechanical bull that was on stage during her Britney performance, Ruth said ‘I thought you liked bulls, Simon.’ Simon said ‘I could say the same about you Ruth’ back. Never has nonsense seemed more meaningful.
2. ALEXANDER/ALEXANDRA – ‘I’m just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania’
I felt I should put Alexandra at number one based on her terrifying Hallelujah alone. But then I realised that she’d copied the full-body heaving and the shouting from Ruth anyway. And the master should always be higher than the pupil.
Her VTs showed Alex being nice, normal and articulate. Wanker. She performed well throughout the series so there was little drama. Apart from the week when she cried because Laura and Diana were popular. Ha! There was also some fuss when Alex would have to sing AND dance at the same time.
Alex had two styles of performance. There were the ballad performances, which ranged from very impressive to quite dull. She would sing with a husky tone, wail pleasantly and have flattering, curly hair extensions. There were also the up-tempo performances, which ranged from hilarious to quite dull. She would sing with a gentler tone, wail very pleasantly considering all the dancing she had to do and look like a big tran. A tran with a love for glitter and sequins!
Alexandra started off very pointless but her vocals improved and her performances became more interesting. She also seemed like a nice person. For all these reasons, she was the Anti-Diana.
Best Thex Factor moment: when Beyoncé said ‘Sing it, girl’ during their duet and then regretted it soon after. Bey looked increasingly uncomfortable as Alex kept weeping and stroking her.
3. PRINCESS DIANA – ‘Where did I go wrong?’
Diana’s VT showed off her speaking-voice. This was not good. She was also very ruddy in the face, which was offputting. Her early VTs were a summary of how awesome she was. And she was awesome. One VT had her being sick, unable to meet Mariah Carey and then unable to sing. After that, her VTs focused on her now being shit. And she was now shit.
Her early performances were brilliant. There was a slurred and garbled Hallelujah during Bootcamp. There was an audition laden with pleasant wailing. There was an acoustic U2 cover. There was Blondie. Like I said, brilliant. Her voice wasn’t great technically but she got away with it when it was matched with more unusual material.
Then, she came back from sick leave as the Queen of Radio 2. Dido, Coldplay, old man-era Take That. It was lifeless. She was given short shrift and came fourth.
Diana was a huge disappointment to me. I was backing her to win even though there were (or perhaps, mainly because there were) news stories about how big a dick she was. Still, she comes third on my rank because there were some wonderful moments. And because bad Diana is better than good JLS. Blood.
Best Thex Factor Moment: Disco week of course. We saw her pants. They were black.
4. AUSTIN – ‘I Don’t Wanna Cry No More’
Austin’s VTs were a pleasure to watch. He’d started the show off as a big, wet Jessie and it was very unseemly and unmanly. But his live show VTs had him a big, butch cheeky chappy. I like that accent you see. It does strange things to me. Strange, wonderful and terrible things.
Austin’s performances were strong, if unspectacular. He only got to do a few. He was excellent at Simon’s fake house. His Billie Jean was the best on Michael Jackson night, with its masculine pleasant wailing. That said, his vocals were timid as a rule and he looked like he could eat more and go to the gym less.
I thought it was a travesty that Austin was eliminated over that dreadful, angry woman. My Dad thought so too. I liked Austin and it was a shame we didn’t get to see more of him. Wink wink. Know what I mean?
Best Thex Factor moment: when his Dad dissed his performance on Big Band week. It revealed so much about his homelife. I can’t help but feel if his father were more supportive, Austin wouldn’t be such a desperate fool.
5. LAURA / THE FAT GIRL – ‘Get yourself to the Butterfly lounge, grab yourself a big lady’
Laura’s VTs were annoying because Laura was a shy, shy bitch. A rare highlight was when her parents made fun of her for being a shy, shy bitch. Another highlight was when Laura was angry because the judges didn’t say she was the best one week.
Her performances were patchy and it was entirely her fault. She had two ways of singing: one was to affect an Amy Winehouse voice, say shooby-de-doo and whine unpleasantly. The other way was to shout, which could be powerful, mannish or painful. Some weeks, such as Big Band week, these two methods were both utilised and the results were impressive. Some weeks, such as Mariah week, it was clear she had two basic moves which were crap on their own and awful when combined.
She looked like a pig and sang like a rat. I was glad she went. She was dreadful on Mariah night and her companion in the bottom two that week was beautiful, Spanish and sang better. I got very fed up about the SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff. It wasn’t shocking. She wasn’t very good.
Best Thex Factor Moment: when she got eliminated and looked very angry. Ha! She thought she was going to win because her boyfriend was an employee. I bet she’s still comfort eating now.
6. SCOTT – ‘I’m not here to say I’m sorry, I’m not here to lie to you.’
Scott’s VT had the added bonus of him being very good-looking. Few VTs had this added bonus so well done him. Sadly, there was no mention of Scott drinking in Shayne Ward’s pub. You had to read the local press for these pieces of celebrity gossip.
Scott’s performances weren’t that bad. He didn’t have the biggest voice but he was in tune. (There were 4 boys in JLS and they got drowned out by the backing track too so I will cut Scott a little slack.) His panned Yeh Yeh on week one I thought was quite groovy. Mainly because it had the word groovy in it.
Ultimately, Scott should have been six years older because he could have done well on Pop Idol. They didn’t have to sing so well on that show. (Seriously, watch Cheryl Cole or any of the ‘talented’ Pop Idol people on YouTube. They do not sound good.) I’m not sure Scott could have done much better if he’d stuck around but he was less annoying than the others. Hence, he lands in the top half of the rankings.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When he landed in the bottom two and shook his head a lot. One of Scott’s most entertaining traits was his angry stinkface. There was always that lingering possibility that he would attack one of the judges. Louis, if Scott invites you to Shayne Ward’s pub for a drink, just say no. It’s a ruse. He wants you to glass you!
7. EOGHAN / QUIGLET – ‘I’m gonna be a mighty king so enemies beware’
Eoghan’s VTs showed him being as equally ruddy as Diana. He had a ‘fresh from a wank’ face every week. He had an ‘I’m so helpless’ face every week too. I really disliked him. His VTs also showed his new baby sister, his impossibly cute siblings and his scaryass father. He’s very well-trained and said all the clichés in a soft, Granny-baiting voice.
To his credit, his performances weren’t that bad every week. That’s why I’ve had to put my hatred of him aside and objectively ranked him so high. His Imagine was restrained and expressive. His Mariah week performance was strong and impressive. The rest were poorly-sung or barely-sung but having 2 good ones in a series puts him above the likes of JLS and Rachel.
It’s a great relief to me that he didn’t win. It’s also a surprise as he spent most of the series as a lot more popular than the eventual winner. I got quite irate by how sexless and wet the producers tried to make him every week. I know it’s a family show but if Alex and Ruth were allowed to whore around, why did they have to make the teenage boy into a eunuch? I’m not sure he’ll have much of a career as the other cute, child-friendly acts from this show (Ray, Same Difference) haven’t performed so well.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When he changed the lyrics to Busted to make them less raunchy. Pansy.
8. JLS / JACK THE LAD SWING – ‘I show no love for homo thugs’
JLS’s VTs had them using all the latest street slang. And wearing colour co-ordinated oufits. One wore blue, another green, another yellow and another red, I think. This got old very quick.
JLS’s performances were generally poor. Three either couldn’t sing so well or weren’t allowed to. The little one had some tricks for the climaxes of the songs – his moody growling was one of the highlights of some shows – but generally, his voice too sounded weak and thin. Their lifeless cover of Hallelujah might have been their best. They were dated and lame and those stupid outfits annoyed me.
Their coming second was bizarre and unpleasant but at least they didn’t win. And they did show some improvement vocal-wise so I guess it’s good they stuck around and got that chance to shine, however weakly and wanly.
Best Thex Factor Moment: when one of their mums said ‘we’re so proud of you.’ And her son replied ‘me too.’
9. DANIEL/DEADWIFE – ‘This is for my peoples who have lost somebody’
DEADWIFE’S VTs made many references to him having a dead wife. There were also many references to how the male judges hated him. In fact, this sort of replaced the whole ‘dead wife’ saga as his new sob story. Because Louis calling you Ricky Gervais is clearly the bigger tragedy.
His performances were weak but not always the worst. His Mariah week soft rock attempt was pleasant. His Michael Jackson week soft balladry was well-sung. His uptempo numbers were dreadful mainly because his voice had little to recommend it. He couldn’t wail or growl or belt or do any tricks. Nor could he sing with subtlety or sincerity. I’m not sure what that leaves him with. He was a pub singer.
He went at about the right time, just long enough to annoy people and allow for some SHOCK ELIMINATIONS, but not long enough that it really took the piss. I think Dannii did well to get him that far. He seemed alright as a person.
Best Thex Factor Moment: the shameless song he did for his dead wife, which reduced Louis Walsh to tears. Fag.
10. GIRL BAND – ‘No, no, no, no, no’
On their VTs, they were all completely different weights and it made for confusing viewing. I thought girls were only meant to have one fat friend as security and the rest should all be about the same size. I’m sure that’s the rule.
Their performances were shit. They were odd-looking girls doing karaoke.
They are the higher-placed girl band because they were lame in a more hilarious way. Like when they did Heal The World because they loved its message. Or when they called themselves Girl Band because they were a girl band.
Best Thex Factor Moment: all the hand-holding during That’s What Friends Are For.
11. BAD LASHES – ‘Stupid girls, stupid girls, stupid girls’
Did Bad Lashes even get a VT? They were only on for one week and I remember nothing about it. I remember none of their names either. I just know they had badly bleached hair.
Their performances were not great. They did the love song from Pretty Woman and their voices were very thin. It wasn’t terrible though. They did a bizarre cover of Wonderwall when in the bottom two, which was meant to be Ryan Adams’s arrangement. Really? His version had no tuneless shrieking. How can this be the same arrangement?
They left first and I didn’t really care. I was too enamoured with Diana at that stage. It’s funny how things change.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When they said Wonderwall was by Ryan Adams during the Judges’ Homes bit. They lasted only one live show and managed to upset a Gallagher!
12. RACHEL – ‘I hate you so much right now, I hate you so much right now, agh’
Rachel’s VTs showed her being terrifying. Scott’s stinkface paled in comparison to this woman’s permascowl. One week, Louis said she had ‘no likability.’ Ha! We saw her with the kids that weren’t taken off her. We saw her having a series of tantrums about Dannii’s song choices. We saw her being arrogant and ungracious and unpleasant.
Her performances were dire. She was impressive on Big Band week in parts but even then her voice was ugly, angry and unlikable. She dressed bizarrely and generally looked like a dyke with a record. Her Rule The World was the worst of the series. Her Against All Odds was painful. Her attempts to dance or be charming were embarrassing. Her nasal, foghorn voice came back to me when I thought back. It’s made my nose run more and it’s made me want 4 o’clock to come sooner so I can have more paracetamol.
She lasted a few weeks longer than she should have. She never got a chance to redeem herself. It’s a shame she was saved in the place of Austin who had more potential. It’s a shame she was put through to the live rounds. It’s a shame I was so committed to this blog and hence couldn’t mute her.
Best Thex Factor Moment: ‘There’s no likability.’ To repeat: Ha!
In other news, my parents have coped with the end of the X Factor very well. My Mum is getting the Rhydian album for Christmas. My Dad still speaks of the JLS-loving Nun.
Merry Christmas to them and to you all. Thex Factor will live on.
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