Thex Factor 8 – I will go down with this ship

These are the salient facts before we begin.


1. It was the semi-final
And it turns out there are a finite number of ways to say that a semi-final is important. I think every contestant says at least once that ‘they have to be in the final’ or ‘that they’re so close.’ I think every judge says at least once that ‘they have to give the performance of their lives.’ Surely they have to be better on final night?

2. There’s a hole in my soul
Or at least there’s a void on the X Factor. That void has ill-fitting clothes and an ill-behaved bosom. That void is beautiful and Spanish and a little shouty. I don’t enjoy this show any more.

3. We have a guest columnist
His name is Dorian. He works with me and is a fan of celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. He dresses boldly and guest columnises just as boldy. Columnises isn’t a word according to my spellchecker. Even when I spell it as columnizes. This is a shame.

4. Il Divo were on
As they are every year. They’ve replaced Westlife on the front page of Simon’s little black book of dull celebrity guests. I don’t know any of Il Divo’s names but I could name all of Westlife. And real names too – not just ‘the gay one,’ ‘the one that looks like a potato,’ ‘the one that ran off with Delta Goodrem’ and so on.
They sing Amazing Grace with bagpipes. I suppose someone was bound to match popera with bagpipes in order to please Mail-reading housewives everywhere but why did I have to see it? Even with my penchant for old men in nice suits, Il Divo are very creepy. One has Simon’s hair. One has Dannii’s tan. It’s not the same one. If it was, I think I’d have to cut myself just a little bit.



On with the rankings….


1. ALEXANDRA – ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’
Which is what I’m going to do now. Alex to win!
Alexandra is embarrassed even before she gets chance to speak. The shouty intro man, who says ‘TONIGHT IT’S THE SEMI FINAL’ and ‘TONIGHT – IL DIVO’, did the foul deed. He introduced the girl’s group as ‘CHERYL AND DIANA’, showed us a long clip of Diana’s dumb red face, then went ‘AND ALEXANDRA.’ Then we saw Alex’s face but no words that I could catch. It was too mean to deserve even a typed Ha! I bet Leona Lewis had some hand in this. She must be jealous and bad sometimes.
On her VT, Simon calls her Listen one of the best X Factor performances of all time. The show’s only five years old but this is still an achievement: there have been hundreds of 90 second performances over the years after all. VT clichés include ‘it means everything,’ ‘I have to make it’, ‘wanting it my whole life’ and ‘pressure.’
She sings some up-tempo Rihanna. Alex is a better singer than Rihanna but has worse hair. The dancing is fast-paced but she’s still singing in full voice, unlike last week. There are runs and dancesteps! There’s also a lot of confetti even though the song’s about dancing in a nasty club rather than getting married.
Louis Walsh says Alex was ‘incredible’ last week and this week was just as ‘good.’ High praise, except ‘good’ isn’t as ‘good’ as ‘incredible.’ Simon must train Louis in how to be more effusive. Dannii Minogue said it was ‘fierce’ because she’s forgotten that she’s on the X Factor and is not a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model. Simon tells Cheryl to shut up. Ha! Simon also says we’ve seen the birth of a star. Or the birth of a star born in the wrong body.
[Meh. There are better Rihanna songs – Dorian]

In VT II, we learn Alex is singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written, by one of the tranniest singers ever to release beautiful songs. She says she wants to stay in the competition because she feels better things can be achieved with her life. This is a remarkably sensible and understated statement for this show. Alex is normal and nice without being painfully wet.
Alex sings Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton. A forgotten 90s diva is unforgotten! Hurrah! I want to see someone doing Dina Carroll next week. It has an underwhelming start as Alex’s tone is bit too girly for her and for the song. Perhaps she doesn’t want to be too husky and tranny and be accused of copying of the husky, tranny original. The end is hoarse and there is a gospel choir. The last note is ace but she chickens out of doing Toni’s series of runs. There is a standing ovation from the judges.
Louis says Alexandra is in a different league to the rest and is an incredible person. Dannii says she’s a star. Simon Cowell says she won’t go home after that performance. Cheryl Cole weeps, prays to some God and thanks Alex for being ace. Alex says Cheryl is her thuggish backbone. Then weeps. Then is asked by Dermot to speak to herself from 3 years ago. Seriously. This happened. Why would I lie?
[Alexandra’s second song was stunning. Powerful and emotional, I loved it. She really deserves to win. I see a pattern emerging though, based on this week and last.
1. open with a dancey happy number
2. follow with a big epic emotional number
3. Cheryl and Alexandra can then tell each other they are amazing and cry.
Though even I got teary over the ‘never give up on your dreams’ schtik. Roll on the finale. Alexandra to win – Dorian]


2. DIANA – ‘I-I-I keep on fallin”
Before Diana comes on, Cheryl brags about still having multiple acts. I like how she began the series as a weeping saviour-type and is ending it as a bit of a dick. The VT focuses on Diana being a fallen star. There’s a repeat of Louis saying she’s the worst girl. This was like a Ha! in flashback. Clichés included ‘the performance of her life,’ ‘it means the world’ and ‘last chance.’
She sings Avril Lavigne and has concealed, correctly-sized boobs. I miss Ruth. She changes the line ‘Hell yeah, I’m a motherfucking Princess’ to ‘I’m the one and only Princess.’ Coward! And also: Ha! Princes Diana has revealed through song that she is a big old brat backstage. The many stories are true. Diana’s strange accent works for Avril as she has a very similar strange accent. I find it odd that there haven’t been more Avril comparisons. Maybe people just really like talking about The Cranberries? Diana dances a bit tonight. Or at least bops around awkwardly and jumps and flings her arms. Her hands look less like they’re going into spasm too. I find the whole thing a bit empty.
Louis Walsh liked it and called her a rock chick and a popstar. He astutely points out that what she just did wasn’t technically dancing. Dannii compares her to Debbie Harry. There just isn’t space to go into this further. Princess Diana is happy to receive praise. She’s trying to seem less offensive.
[During all of her VTs, I can't work out why her face looks so clammy and sweaty. I actually groaned when she first started with Girlfriend, which boasted yet more ridiculous choreography from Mr. Friedman. I swear he must do his job high. I believe we saw the real Diana with that song: I can imagine her being really bitchy, snarling and stealing boyfriends. I really enjoyed it but I’m not sure Debbie Harry would be happy with Dannii's comments – Dorian]

Diana’s second VT promises weeping. Audience weeping. There’s nowhere to hide with this song we hear. She’s singing Dido. So that's Coldplay, comeback Take That, Dido. Diana is the new queen of MOR.
The start is fantastic. Dido has a weird voice too so Diana’s is not too jarring here. The quality drops when the pleasant wailing begins. This sounds counterintuitive but it’s true. She can’t do the high note and looks teary.
Louis says it was the perfect song for Diana. Because Diana is boring now too? Simon said there was no ‘big moment’ and the song wasn’t big enough for the semi-final. He said the same thing to semi-finalist Niki last year and she went home. He is always right. We learn Dido was Diana’s choice. Diana is ‘all kooky’ but loves Dido and wanted to meet Mariah Carey. She is a baffling idiot. She speaks to Dermot and she does the ‘I’m all kooky’ hand gestures that are usually reserved for her performances. To repeat: she is a baffling idiot.

Diana’s eviction is certainly dramatic. Eoghan cries like a little girl, wrapping his non-threatening arms around Diana and repeating ‘I love you so much.’ They sadly don’t pull and destroy both their careers.
She sings a repeat of White Flag but gives up before the end to have a big weep and a group hug with the finalists. Eoghan is crying in a way I’ve never seen a ‘grown-up’ cry. She’s completely surrounded by the others and so misses the fact that she’s earned a standing ovation from the judges.
Dermot tries to interview the finalists. He says ‘I’d rather not speak with Eoghan because he’s so upset.’ I’d rather not speak with Eoghan too but I’d keep quiet about that if his mentor was the one who paid me. Alex mans up enough to give Dermot a coherent answer. She says she’s grateful to be in the final but thought Diana would win. If she keeps giving well-reasoned, articulate answers it’s going to be very hard for me to make fun of her. Alex for the win.
[The second performance was spot on. I felt she got back that captivating element she had with "With or Without You" in week one. So I was SHOCKED when she went. It should have been ruddy JLS or Eoghan. I got emotional, I'm not ashamed to say. Especially when they all descended onto stage. That Eoghan was like a man possessed. I'd have been terrified if I saw his crazy, bawling babyface coming towards me. Mums will love it though. Stunts like that win votes. Alexandra should have tried crying too instead of looking stunned. Perhaps she could have tapped into the anguish of this sex tape business? – Dorian]
[Alleged sex tape business – Thex]
[Cheryl crying though was beautiful. When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she smiles when Dannii is criticised, I smile – Dorian]


3. EOGHAN – ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’
Eoghan is on first again. Simon introduces him, saying ‘Northern Ireland represent.’ Oh Simon, leave the unconvincing gangsta talk to JLS. VT Clichés included ‘I keep pinching myself’ and ‘I don’t want it to end.’
We learn Eoghan will be rockin’ out. Jesus. Brian says Eoghan was good in rehearsal but will have to be good on stage too. Oh my. Stupid comments have reached a new low. Why couldn’t they fire him completely last year, instead of just demoting him? He drains my strength.
Eoghan is singing Busted. I don’t miss Busted. They couldn’t sing too well so Eoghan’s vocal works. He has very bendy legs like a more sexless Willy Wonka. He changes the lyrics from ‘your great-great-great-granddaughter is pretty fine’ to ‘is doing fine.’ Because ‘pretty fine’ is such coarse language? Goodness’ sake, producers – just cut off his dick and be done with it.
Cheryl Cole says Eoghan should release bad rock when he’s a recording artist. Louis Walsh says Eoghan is on happy pills. Ha! Sexless Quigg takes uppers.
[He makes me angry – Dorian]

On Eoghan’s second VT, much fuss is made about Eoghan’s song choice. He’s singing his favourite ever song by the biggest group ever. It’s a bit surprising who his favourite group is apparently, for a boy of his age.
See I was thinking The Beatles would be his surprise faves, what with the best one dying before Eoghan was even born but no – Eoghan is doing Abba. He sings Does Your Mother Know and is less good than Christine Baranski. She’s ace and Eoghan is a castrated goon. That said, the singing isn’t bad and I think he’s actually singing this week rather than letting the backing track do all the work.
Louis Walsh calls him a fantastic role model. Because people with stunted growth can still be stars? Because he’s infantilised himself to make more money? Yes, cut it off, kids. Sex is shame. Be just like him. Dannii Minogue is the lone voice of reason and says it was cheesy. It is not Abba’s ‘coolest’ song.
With Dermot, there’s more talk about the big shock that Eoghan is an Abba fan. And how rare it is to be ‘a 16 year-old lad’ who likes Abba. It’s not rare if you’re a certain type of 16 year-old lad. If you’re the type who has to put it between his legs before he gets to sing. If you’re the type who weeps for a good ten minutes in front of millions when your hag gets voted off. Then it all makes too much sense.
[Simon Cowell is a genius with his grooming of Eoghan. He's nailed the little girl Disney tween market, what with High School Musical last week and tonight’s Jonas Brothers/Busted cover. Then he got the Mums on side with Does Your Mother Know. Words fail me: his favourite band Abba? Hmmmm. Nothing to do with Mamma Mia being the biggest selling DVD in England then? His voice isn’t good enough and the backing track carries him. He is consistent and he does perform well but still he has to go. If only for the fact he scares me with his weird blinking, leering thing when Dermot reads his number out – Dorian]


4. JLS – ‘Grab the weave and turns my eyes Chinese’
On their VT, JLS call their song a ‘track’. Blood. They are too gangsta for me to take. Whiteman clichés on their VT include ‘dreams coming true,’ ‘one moment’, ‘can’t take it in’, ‘it’s everything I’ve wanted since a little boy’ [sic] and that chestnut ‘pressure.’
JLS do more Rihanna. It’s Umbrella and sadly not that one about breakin’ dishes up in here all night uh-huh or that one that compares riding a car to riding a lady. The little one’s voice sounds very thin. Or little. They’re not in time. They dance around. I’m so over JLS. The little one changes the last line to ‘you can be my Cinderella’ because he thinks he’s Chris Brown. He’s not Chris Brown. Brown has 2 good songs. The little one has 0.
The judges are very positive. I thought this was so that JLS didn’t receive any pity otes but looking back I think the judges just like JLS. Blood. Simon calls Umbrella one of the most recognisable songs of all time. Yes, maybe it is. If you’re ten. If you’re older than that, you’ll probably know other famous songs. Imagine, Bohemian Rhapsody, Jailhouse Rock, Hey Jude, Dancing Queen, Bridge over Troubled Water, My Way. Simon’s hyperbole is ridiculous.

Their second VT is no better or more meaningful. There are dreams and music means everything to them and talk of a performance that is the most important performance of their lives.
The little one’s face is very odd. He looks like a melting toy frog. I don't recognise their second song until the chorus when I realise – oh, it’s that Westlife song about dead people. Deadwife never did this one. Good for him. It’s about prayers and sunshine in your hair. It’s from the perspective of a corpse. We’re seeing a very morbid yet gangsta JLS this week. Blood. I didn’t pay much attention to the singing but I can assure you it met their usual low standards.
Dannii says it was classy and beautiful. It was neither. Cheryl said it was their best ballad performance because they’ve learned how to sing. I’m so barely paraphrasing here. That is what she said – it just took her longer. Simon says they can win. Louis cries a bit for the love of JLS. But doesn’t cry as hard as he did when Ruth left or when Deadwife sang a song for his dead wife.
[Umbrella was better than it should have been, as was this. I think it was their best to date. This worried me for Diana and clearly rightly so – Dorian]

In other news, my parents aren’t going to be guest columnists as I’d hoped. They keep going out on Saturday nights instead. I thought blogs were designed to bring families together as well as to rank examples of pleasant wailing and make mean-spirited comments about fat girls and widowers. I thought wrong.
It is the final next week. I am looking forward to some oversung versions of Hallelujah. That chord won’t be so sacred after Saturday.