Thex Factor 9 – Love Is Not A Victory March

These are the salient facts before we begin.

1. It is the final
The judges are happier on final night and are full of praise for the contestants. They are also nicer to each other. It is heartwarming. There are also endless montages. It makes me think of that ‘montage, montage’ song from Team America. There are also fans in the contestants’ home towns which we’re linked to via satellite. So we’re shown a different bit of London. Twice. Why not just have those fans in the next room so Dermot can open the door on them every so often? It would have saved a lot of money.

2. There were celebrity guests.
Many, many celebrity guests. It was good. Westlife came out of their two-year retirement to crowd the stage with JLS. The gay one has put on a lot of weight and lost a fair bit of singing ability. More on that later. Boyzone’s cameo was much like Take That’s cameo from two years ago, only less good. I suppose that’s par for the course.

3. Beyonce was ace
She sang with Alex and, as reward, she got to sing during the results show too. She tried to be Tina Turner. Without the domestic abuse. The afro-wearing, lady rock guitarists tickled me and will continue to do so for many weeks. She did some sort of exciting rock remix of ‘If I Were A Boy’ and stomped around a lot, wailing very pleasantly. In fact, it was the very height of pleasant wailing. Alexandra – take note. Also, her eyebrows were expressive but controlled. Eoghan – take note. Also, she shags a gangsta rapper. JLS – take note.

4. The bad auditionees sing again
It was five years’ worth of the worst we’re told. I can’t even remember what song they did. They’re not well some of them. I didn’t enjoy this.

5. There was a group sing
I suppose we had to see the losers’ faces too. Dermot quite rudely talks over the beginning of it so we miss Austin’s lines. Ha! The fat girl looks dreadful and sounds not much better. Rachel sounds pretty good and then you can’t hear anyone else too clearly. It sounds a bit like a ‘round’ you’d sing in Primary School assembly or on the coach to Styal Mill. To repeat for emphasis, Rachel sounds pretty good.

6. People covered Hallelujah.
I got over it. I think we all should.


On with the rankings….

1. ALEXANDRA – ‘Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’
Alex performed last out of the three. She was the best each time. We see a VT of a VG audition. There is weeping and she says she ‘literally cannot believe it.’ We see her being interviewed by Jamie Theakston. He looks very old. It makes feel both young (by comparison) and old (because if he’s aged, I must have too). We see Alex’s trip to meet her fans back home. She appears to have fewer of them than the boys. I write down ‘stop saying literally.’
She sings Silent Night and is in a different league. She’s singing well and there are no plastic reindeers on the stage. It’s all very understated. Cheryl weeps during the song. I like carols and I like runs so I was very pleased when Silent Night became a carol with runs. Just like Mariah done! Hurrah! There is a high note that is just okay and very unnecessary. Leave that to Leona, Alex. You stick to the tranny wailing. You’re good at that.
Simon says it was outstandingly good and speaks of Alex being nice. Dannii speaks of shallow pleasures and calls her a ‘superstar songstress.’ Cheryl weeps.
Kym Marsh from Hear’Say is the one interviewing Alex’s fans. This is a bad choice. Unless it’s meant to be inspirational to show Alex that she’ll get a bit of work after her post-show pop career fails? Was that the intention? There is a little boy in a rugby uniform there. There is a girl who claims to be Alex’s best friend but who was transparently not given real tickets for the final. There are so many mysteries here.

Alex next has her celebrity duet with Beyonce. She sounds scarily good but is too drag for me to take. She has Cher hair. She has a slit, spangly dress. It’s all gone a bit too ‘The XY chromosome factor.’
Beyonce looks better and very feminine. Alexandra weeps and spasms when Beyonce sings. Then there is diva SHOUTING. It is only now that I forget about Alex being ace and miss Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Beyonce says ‘sing it girl’ and Alex does a big run. I love how Beyonce gives permission to sing. We’re getting a fascinating insight into how life in Destiny’s Child would have been.
There is post-performance hugging. Beyonce did not give permission for that. Beyonce looks uncomfortable but tries to be friendly. Alex looks like a scary fangirl and tries to be little else. Mariah really got off easy. When Dermot reads out the voting numbers, Beyonce points and mouths to someone ‘she is great.’ Or ‘she is dead.’ It’s unclear which.

Alex’s third performance was a repeat of You Are So Beautiful from a few weeks back. I refuse to believe this was her best performance. It was a little dull then. It is a little dull now. I suppose it’s a contrast from the shouting of Listen but still – meh. I think I preferred JLS’s ridiculous corpse ballad more. Again, there’s a silly high note. Leon pulled this shit last year too. And he was worse because he was a boy who wasn’t so much about the singing.
Simon says a star has been born. Just because she’s repeating a song doesn’t mean he gets to repeat his judging comments. That record’s been played, Cowell. Cheryl calls this the most special night of her life. Attention seeker. Alex mouths I love you to Cheryl. Oh get a room.

After the problem called Eoghan is solved, we get the covers of Hallelujah. Alex does Diana hand gestures. Ha! That is such a diss. This is the absolute pinnacle of non-aggressive meanness. I am blown away. Those Will Young masterclasses were a gift that kept giving.
As with JLS, there is a big old choir who hold out their hands in some vaguely religious way. I wish they had stigmata make up. Alex seems to have a seizure for her final verse and the pleasant wailing becomes terrifying. There’s also Beautiful Spanish Ruth-style body heaving. I make few notes and simply enjoy.
Now, there’s a lot of whingeing about the whole covering Hallelujah thing. Luckily, I’ve been invited to join no facebook groups on this issue. I sort of sympathise but I have several points to make:
1. The version ‘people’ like is a cover anyway
2. This version begins with the lo-fi Jeff Buckley bits and ends with ridiculous, religious Leonard Cohen bits. It’s a hybrid version of two arrangements and so it is worth considering as an experiment if little else
3. It’s an X Factor single that’s not about odds, goals, miracles or moments like theeze. This is surely a good thing.
4. I like the Cohen, Buckley and Burke versions. They are all different.
5. I don’t care enough about Jeff Buckley to get upset. I was a student for four years and I never felt the need to buy Grace to feel normal

Before the winner is announced, Alex gets two montages compared to the JLS boys’ one. Ha! One montage is of very good performances, slutty outfits, tranny outfits and scary fangirl business with Mariah. The other is of loving messages from her family.
She wins and I write ‘good.’ There is weeping and more seizures. She can’t breathe and a trantastic panic attack seems inevitable. She can say the names of the judges but little else. Cheryl lifts Alex’s arm and shouts ‘woo’ in lieu of real words.
Alex stops crying enough to sing. Almost. Her cheeks are coated jet with streaming eye make up. (Leona and Shayne managed to weep but still sing words and notes. Man up, Burke.) The first chorus is mainly weeping but after that it’s runs, runs, runs.
Simon and Cheryl slow-dance and beam with pride. Dannii and Louis refuse to touch. Cheryl and Dannii hug and we sadly only see it in silhouette. Simon thanks everyone who’s watched and written about the X Factor. No, Simon, thank you. You are my backbone.

2. JLS – ‘Silver bells, silver bells’
Louis says JLS create a buzz everywhere they go. I don’t doubt this, but only if ‘create a buzz’ means ‘spread a rash.’ The little one goes back to his school and says this trip is very different. Possibly because no one’s beating him up. His mum weeps and says she’s very proud. I think if I joined JLS my parents would be very disappointed. Parents differ.
They cover Wham. Blood. The backing track is so cheap. I think the music’s coming from a ‘My First Keyboard’ toy. There are lyric fumbles, a weak key change and bad runs. There are white suits.
Dannii says it’s her favourite Christmas song. Not Kylie’s Santa Baby? There’s no familial loyalty with some people. The judges have good wishes – possibly because it’s almost Christmas – but no effusive praise. Louis does the Obama quote again and has a teddy bear wearing a hooded top.
Jade Goody’s ex is with the JLS fans in some concert hall. There is a nun who shouts ‘we love JLS.’ She can’t clap straight. I’m reluctant to make fun of her further.

JLS sing Flying without Wings with Westlife. There are eight people on stage. It is very crowded. I don’t know if the floor can take that much 8-way boyband action. I know I can’t.
JLS sound not bad. I’m not ‘giving mad props’ but they do well. The little one from JLS sings his lyrics AT the potato-looking one from Westlife. They embrace and sing I love you to another. Sweet Lord. This is Louis Walsh’s doing. Then – Ha! The gay one from Westlife messes up the difficult note. They are outsung by JLS! Make that 2-year retirement permanent.
Dermot describes the performance as full of ‘manlove.’ This is what my RS teacher used to call sodomy to be politically correct, fact fans.

They re-sing their cover of Westlife’s cover of that song about being a corpse in love. It’s called I’m Already There. Did they only sing this last week? I think so. Anyway, it sounds better this time, possibly because I had faith they wouldn’t win to keep me calm. It also didn’t bother me too much that they did two Westlife covers in one night. One of the ones who doesn’t sing has a very lumpy face, like a boxer. I’d never noticed this before. The little one wails: quite girlishly, but not unpleasantly. This is progress.
Dannii is full of praise for the little one. The other judges are at least polite enough to acknowledge there were four people on stage. Cheryl compares them to Take That, which is a less offensive comparison than to the Beatles. Dannii hands Louis a tissue. Ha! They all think he’s a big fairy. A man from the audience shouts ‘we love you.’ The mind boggles.

JLS’s version of Hallelujah is not very good. I think all these ‘ohmygod you can’t cover geoff buckley’ idiots should be very grateful that it’s Alex’s version on the airwaves and not this. Their vocals are very thin for the lo-fi bits. The moody growling redeems the second half. The little one sounds pretty good. There are ‘no, no, no, no, no’ bits. There is a choir, a key change and sleigh bells. It is possibly their best performance. God, they’ve been shit then.

3. EOGHAN – ‘But someone always gets there first’
As you can see, my rankings for this week match up with the official, final positions. I suppose I should feel pretty happy with the result. But my love for Beautiful Spanish Ruth makes this difficult. I wonder if I wrote to her whether she’d be my friend.
Eoghan’s VT frames his very weak voice. ‘I can’t believe it,’ he says. ‘I’m in the final.’ It is pretty unbelievable that his ability got him this far. He was good twice. His trip home has him standing on top of a car, with a microphone. We also see his baby sister and his scary father.
He sings Wizzard and his eyebrows are fucked. His singing is fucked too. It is very karaoke, and not even good karaoke where the singer’s committing to the moment (of a being an idiot.) Also, there are plastic reindeer and yet another children’s choir. Who then WRESTLE HIM TO THE FLOOR! He falls so easily. It’s perhaps the biggest ‘wtf’ moment of the series. Well, that or ‘I thought you liked bulls Simon.’
The judges are positive but not effusive. For example, Dannii says how much she likes his squealing fans. That’s loose praise. Cheryl says ‘every 16 year-old would want to be what you’re doing.’ That’s loose grammar. She also says he’s a great role model. Because he doesn’t attack bathroom attendants. There’d never be any doubt that Eoghan was going to pay for those lollipops.
Eoghan says he ‘loves everybody’ in Ireland. Tramp.

Eoghan then sings Picture of You with Boyzone. He really drew the short straw, didn’t he? This song is off the Bean soundtrack, fact fans. He’s so cruise ship. And his suit was bought in a kid’s department. Eat something, boy.
Ronan’s voice is more annoying than I remember it being. At least I have no expectations before Eoghan sings. Quigg 1 Keating 0. Ronan’s also not wearing black like the rest of the performers. Diva.
There is a standing ovation. For Boyzone, let’s assume. Ronan likes Eoghan’s ‘confidence.’ Westlife and Beyonce at least praised their collaborators’ vocals in some way. It’s all I’m saying. Eoghan does his Churchill dog grin again to court votes. I hate his face.

Before Eoghan’s final performance, Simon introduces him by talking about how much he liked Alex’s last performance. That’s just mean. It’s good that Simon’s never had children. ‘I love you son but the girl in your CDT lessons is by any standard worldclass.’ I feel bad for Eoghan.
Eoghan’s repeat performance of is that High School Musical thing. Wildcats everywhere. You know the one. There is no singing that can be heard. His jacket is fetching though. I want it. It would be good for costume parties. Particularly a Tarts, Vicars and Eunuchs one.
Louis compares Eoghan to Fed-Ex again. I don’t like how they’re repeating their quips. Cheryl says it was ‘one of my most memorable performances for you.’ She’s such a nob. Why can’t she talk properly? Simon says he thinks Eoghan’ll make the finals. Erm – he’s already there? So yes, that’s right. Simon is always right.
Eoghan’s elimination was a relief. And a surprise – I’m led to believe he led the voting most weeks. He looks very happy when he’s voted off and has a can-do ‘everyone’s a winner’ attitude. Then he weeps when he’s shown a montage of his best bits. Perhaps he remembered when they cut it off during boot camp?
He sees a producer in a hood in a wood. He hears a twig snap. Then everything went dark.

In other news, it’s all over.
There are some certainties. My Dad liked the JLS-loving nun. Hallelujah will doubtless be #1. Eoghan and JLS will doubtless get record deals too.
There are some questions left though. Will Diana be the first non-finalist to have real money spent on her? Will Beautiful Spanish Ruth become the new Shakira? And what will happen to Thex Factor?
To answer the last question, there will be a special end-of-year recap where I attempt to rank all 12 contestants. After that, every time I see a picture where Alexandra looks like Alexander I will gladly make fun of it. I’m glad she won – the tranny stuff was all in good spirits.