These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
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