Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And on and on the rain will fall'

These are the salient facts before we begin….

1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.

2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!

3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.

On with the rankings…


1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.

2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.

3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.

4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.

5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.

6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.

7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!