Thex Factor - Bootcamp - 'Looks like we made it'

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It’s bootcamp, bitches
Yes, after weeks of drawn-out auditions, marred by a tacky new format and a notable lack of good singers, we are at bootcamp. And ITV got through the whole thing in two episodes. The 200 or so successful auditionees are now 24. The show is back on track. Dreams were dashed, bands were created and men with Asperger’s had their rehabilitation halted with a hug. I can’t in good conscience thoroughly rank 200 singers, especially as we don’t see most of them. The next salient facts will reveal how it all went down instead

2. There was a group-sing round
Just like lessons on the first day of school, people with low self-esteem and heightened anxiety were made to team up for a fun activity. And be watched and judged by all the other, cooler kids wearing Ralph Lauren gym shorts.
The judges sent them home or sent them through just after they’d sung. So they’re left to wriggle around on stage during the deliberation like they’ve just wet themselves and they’re waiting for the cleaner to open the lost property cupboard. Am I pushing this primary school metaphor too far? Who cares. I’m done now.
Bad club singers It Takes 2 found they were even worse with other people on stage and got the boot. Evil twins John & Edward (you remember them? They looked like a twin porn version of the vampire from Twilight) sang over some ugly girl’s part. Miss Fitz were awesome even though they’re now a duo (Where is the other one?) and three scary women teamed up for a cover of That’s Life with pleasant wailing as the chief result. These women were told they’d make a good group, probably because they’re too ugly to be solo singers. Snap! And, more on this later

3. There was a solo round
In front of an audience of 4,000 these fools had to sing again to make a place in the final 50.
Joseph from Newcastle remains the most punchable contestant since Quigg or Quinn. I’m going to need a girl to explain him to me. The voice is fag on toast, the skin is blotchy and the hair is made entirely of gel. And he sings Luther Vandross and George Michael in a thin, nasal American accent. Why is this good?
Welsh schoolgirl Lucie Jones was surprisingly strong but you know the most pleasant wailing don’t come from no skinny ass white girl. Rachel Adedeji redid that dreadful Paolo Nutini song as a Toni Braxton album track and Nicole Lawrence proved she could sing, or at least scream or growl, with a Jennifer Hudson redo. Top marks for both! Daniel was as good as ever and his mohican is now a much butcher green.
The aforementioned ugly women were eliminated just after this round but then were called to a staff room and given the opportunity to continue as a group. They say Yes but don’t seem happy. I guess because they’ve just told they’re not very good on their own.

4. There was another solo round
This time it was to make the top 24, or the judges’ home stage. It’s the same thing.
Oliver Murs earned my wrath this evening. I discovered during the heavy screen time he was given that he has a big mole by his nose. He just gets hotter doesn’t he! I like an Essex boy as much as any wannabe wag but we need to review the facts here. He can barely sing (as evidenced by his Top 50 ‘Your Song’ performance), he is a moron (as evidenced by forgetting the words on Saturday night’s show AND that he won just £10 on Deal or No Deal) and he is only attractive in a moley, boss-eyed, flat-faced pasty way. Having a nice jumper does not make you a popstar.
Ugly girl band win some cool points for rapping over their audition. Danyl redid Simply Red as beatbox gospel and it was shit. (N.B. Danyl ‘Oooh, I’m a bit gay but I only talk about it for money’ Something was shit. Daniel ‘I was in One True Voice but am awesome’ Pearce is awesome every time we’re shown him. Which has been twice. )Stacey looks more like Amy Winehouse every episode: she has the nose, the scary eye-make up, the tottering heels, the mumble and the accent. Stacey is the most restrained singer in the contest and has cool points to spare.
And I am fast becoming convinced that Jamie Afro is rubbish. He has a very rubbery face and sings like a Disney character. He’s also very corny and can’t stop asking the audience to sing along. There’s a reason he sings in bad clubs. He was born to.
The top 24 is chosen soon after. Miss Fitz, Curfew Curtis with the tracking device and Double Asperger with Cheese are all given the heave-ho. I wonder if the latter will go back to being a shut-in. Leaving the house for this show hasn’t really worked out: I hope it doesn’t put him off leaving the house in general.

5. It’s Judges’ Homes next week
Oliver Bloody Murs and Joseph are in the top 24 and if both go through to the live rounds I will not watch. Daniel, Stacey and the fit American are still around though so it’s not all bad. Dannii has the girls who won't win, Cheryl has the boys who might, Simon has the old people who might and Louis has the groups for the fourth time in six years. He took it well though. Probably because he wants to make some Twilight twin porn. He's playing Bella.
Judges’ Homes is my favourite bit of the show. I will spend the whole results show next Sunday crying as I do every year. It’s wrought!

On with some token rankings....

1. Daniel
He is awesome but I know Simon will put through the showy fuckers like Danyl 'Yeah, that's right, tear that up' Something, unsexy sex symbol Oliver Murs or Jamie the tool
2. Stacey
She is always great and I applaud her for not shrieking whenever she receives good news.
3. Rachel
She made me like Paolo Nutini. Point Adedeji!
22. John & Edward
Do you know which one's which yet?
23. Oliver
If Gary Barlow couldn't sing. Or write. Phwoar!
24. Joseph
The album will come out Mother's Day week. He'll get a part in Grease. Going on the show is just a formality. A formality that should be skipped for all our sakes.