These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
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