These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is diva week
This theme makes more sense than musical heroes week but is still a bit wooly. Whitney Houston is the guest mentor and a lot of Whitney songs get covered so why they didn’t make it Whitney week is unclear. Also, all the VTs feature adorable baby pictures of the contestants, and ace video footage of when Joe was fat, which would have been better suited to ‘year you were born week,’ ‘contestants’ choice’ week’ or indeed ‘musical heroes week.’ Also I refuse to believe a diva week can have no Mariah. (Though, of course, Mariah week last year only featured two original solo Mariah songs so I can’t say I’m surprised. I think they is very ignorant.)
2. Whitney Houston and Cheryl Cole have no business judging anyone
During her masterclasses, Whitney sang her own songs constantly and gave mentally sound advice such as ‘open your mouth,’ ‘dance more’ and ‘stand.’ She also speaks like an am dram actress doing Blanche DuBois. Clive Davis attended also and is so orange he’s black. During her performance, she openly gives up on the lip syncing to play with her guitar. She’s also kind of an ass to Dermot during the interview and comes off as a really terrible role model. You just know she had any mention of Mariah Carey banned from this week’s shows. (Also, it’s quite an achievement that she made former mentor Celine Dion seem balanced and other former mentor Mariah Carey seem humble.)
By comparison, Cheryl chose bizarre songs for her boys, that only one could handle, and then wept several times when she realised how poorly she’d mentored them. Her performance was live but shocking as her voice trembled and was flat and harsh throughout. The dancing was okay but her movements were hesitant, nervous. She also wore the world’s biggest visor so we couldn’t see the fear in her eyes.
3. Miss Walsh wasn’t there
And I missed him greatly. It’s no fun when he’s not there telling people they can, can’t or should dance. Or telling Danyl he’s not likable.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Welcome to the house of fun’
John & Edward have just turned eighteen and on their VT they discuss both their love of brilliant boy band Five and Cheryl’s ‘you can’t sing – fact’ diss from last week. They say she’s wrong and are going to sing a very difficult Britney song to show this. There are no difficult Britney songs so I doubt they’ll show anything much but I admire their tenacity. They sassily paraphrase Cole and say they’ll prove they can sing. Fact.
And they prove nothing of the sort. Much like Eoghan last year, they’ve been forced to learn that Britney songs are “too big for them.” They are doing Oops! I Did It Again and at one point my laughs become so girlish and squealy, I start hiccupping. You must watch this on YouTube to see the rubber romper suits. The dance routine is jerky and wonderful. They are so uncoordinated and out of sync that you have to assume it’s on purpose. There are spacemen dancers wearing helmets. The vocals retain their low quality throughout but there is potential for the Grimeses if they’re autotuned to hell like the High School Musical lot. The good shit really comes when they tackle the ‘I thought the old lady dropped into the ocean at the end’ interlude. Which, when performed by two brothers, is just wrong and only adds to my ‘these boys were born for twin porn’ theory. Maybe they’d be better at that because the singing is not so much for them. They receive some undeserved boos and then Dannii says they’re bad singers very tactfully and wins back her title as the most sensible judge, which she lost during the ‘I bet you liked singing a girl’s song, fruitcake’ drama of last week. All three present judges praise this performance for its entertainment value, though Simon’s praise is far too reluctant and qualified. (He grew to love Chico, and mentored Eoghan and Same Difference, so I don’t get why he’s being so fussy about these two.)
When they sail through to next week, and Riccky is eliminated, Cheryl bitches about the unfairness of this and namechecks them. Because she’s a dick this week and every.
John & Edward could well be the worst vocalists to ever grace the top twelve but their performance is the only one I’d want to watch again online or show to people during a very modern gathering. For all the right reasons, I have to rank them first.
2. JOE – ‘Next day I’m a supergirl, out to save the world and it keeps gettin’ better’
Joe’s VT is about how last week was ‘the best night of me life’ and how he used to be fat. Or ‘podgy.’ I like him more now that he has a shameful past. The insincere grinning and dead eyes make more sense belonging to someone newly-thin. Whitney says his vocal was beautiful and he takes this as a compliment. I think there’s an air of ‘Dannii Moir’ about that compliment but maybe I’m less well-adjusted than Joe.
I barely know the song but it’s big and very catchy. Simon is caught on camera singing along and rocking back and forth in his chair. The accent has become less annoying and, to repeat a point, the tone is very Disney and American Tween commercial. This song is as cool as a racist accountant but it’s very well sung. The runs are impressive and don’t get in the way. All in all, well done Joe.
The girls are effusive and Simon rightly says it was note perfect. He also says Joe should raise his shoulders. And destroy his everyman charm, Simon? I smell sabotage.
3. STACEY – ‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match’
Stacey’s VT replays her performance last week and I suddenly realise how lispy it was. I must have had the beer goggles on. We learn Stacey sang Celine Dion at a wedding and used to have braces. And that she was anxious to meet Whitney because she worried ‘she looked like a tramp.’ Oh, lovely Stacey, when you’re meeting a crack ho, that’s fine. The VT also tries to make drama out of the fact Stacey doesn’t know her song ‘At Last’ and that she’ll forget her words. Everyone knows that song and Stacey is a pro so on these points I call undeniable bullshit.
Stacey sings very well with handy runs and glory notes. Her tone and inflections are gorgeous and it is a pleasure to listen to. On my notes, I wrote ‘relaxed’ and ‘effortless’ and ticked lots. However, I didn’t write ‘exciting.’ I can’t help but feel we’re still seeing Stacey at half mast. She needs a breakthrough performance sharpish or else this could be a year when a novelty act wins (and that I’m okay with that.)
4. OLLY – ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’
Olly’s VT gives us a horrible reminder of the thuggish fist pumping he did on last week’s results night. We are also instructed once again that he’s 25 and asked to believe this. I am 24 and I look years younger than this jughead. Olly is thrilled because Whitney is bobbing along during his masterclass performance. Oh, innocent Olly, she is drunk and/or trying to seem likable, so don’t read too much into it.
It’s clear that Olly has a very thin voice for such a fat head. But then he gets into his stride quickly. He’s redoing an obscure Tina Turner song as a big bang number with shimmying dancers. Which I have to say is an ingenious way of getting round the problem that this theme requires a bad male singer to cover a good female singer. He’s not straining at all and there aren’t the usual tics and flaws in his vocal. At one point the shimmying dancers clap in unison and it’s wonderful. He dances and sings without embarrassing himself, which is an improvement on usual and on Robbie last week. I’ve ranked my three previous least favourites in the top four this week and I have surprised myself. It is a very even playing field this year.
The audience roar and the judges love it. Simon gives Olly a standing o and then says he’s fallen in love with him. Simon then feels the need to qualify that he hasn’t actually fallen in love with Olly and that you’ve dropped your gay card and not him. Is Olly the new Leon?
5. JAMIE AFRO – ‘I’ve acted out my life on stages’
Dingy stages I hope. On his VT, Jamie sticks out his bottom lip and tells us that last week Louis said he wasn’t versatile. He found this “vewy hurtful.” Oh butch up bitch, at least he didn’t say you were innately dislikeable. From his baby pictures, we learn he used to have better hair and ergo that age does not equal wisdom. When your hair looked better when your Mum cut it for you, there is a problem there. There’s also a problem when you go all fangirl over Whitney and say she’s like your favourite female singer ever. I bet Jamie listens to One Moment In Time in the bath. Rawk!
Jamie’s performance stops off every poorly. He botches the lyrics twice in three lines and I just don’t like the tone of his voice. Much like the other presumed frontrunner Danyl, he only sounds good when he’s shouting. (This was the same for my favourite Beautiful, Spanish Ruth last year but at least she had the good sense to shout every word.) There is a tremor in his voice that makes him sound a little boy. Or like Louis’s just said something vewy vewy hurtyful. The song improves when it becomes a rock ballad but doing a rock ballad doesn’t exactly show his versatility.
The judges love it and I love the judges less as a result. There is nothing natural about the way Jamie sings. Simon says the girls could be more enthusiastic but they thought up nicer things to say than I ever could.
6. DANYL – ‘I’m your product, it’s vital you sell me’
Danyl’s VT relives some of the awesome comments from last week but sadly not the one where Dannii reminded him he’s a shirtlifter. Danyl informs us that he is confident but not cocky. Simon repeats this and Cheryl disagrees. He’s singing Whitney’s US single, which Simon rather tactlessly says ‘no one’s ever heard of.’ Whitney and Clive tell Danyl to stick to the melody and not trill and yell like a dickhead. Ha!
Danyl sings and there is no melody whatsoever but as I don’t know the song I don’t know whether this is Danyl’s fault. The song is so lyrically dense (yet still vapid) that Danyl almost has to rap to fit all the words in. Then a gospel choir appears to no avail. His tone is unpleasant and the big shouty glory note is not well-handled and feels out of place.
Dannii says it was flawless to avoid seeming like a bigot. Cheryl likes it and Simon loves it. Why?
7. MISS FRANK – ‘Standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells’
Miss Frank take a short walk from ‘gracious’ to ‘spineless’ when they take Simon’s insult from last week that two of them are bookends as a huge compliment. Their home videos don’t make them look like creepy stageschool kids and they’re nice about absent mentor Louis. They will win Miss Congeniality for sure but the big prize looks increasingly out of reach. I don’t think they’ll even be top group.
Their song, which again I’ve never heard before, starts roughly as the two bookends wail nervously. It’s very odd listening to them. It sounds exactly like they’ve just been crying or are about to cry. Graziella is so the best and the song and its wailing becomes pleasant only when she’s soloing. Then the harmonies kick in and it’s a horrible, if passionate, noise. There are bum notes aplenty.
Dannii gives them the good advice that they’ll perform better and gain confidence if they’re physically closer. Cheryl is full of praise for their attitude but Simon rightly notes the pitch problems. He has no time for excuses. Miss Frank are good sportswomen as always when they receive criticism. When told they lack originality, Graziella smiles with her eyes and nods as if she’s dreaming up a prog rock Leona cover with Spanish rapping.
8. RACHEL – ‘I’m the one cos I’m still here’
Rachel’s VT is all about her shocking and undeserved trip to the bottom two that was actually neither of those things. I saw it coming and she had it coming. She was ranked bottom last week for good reasons.
Simon is snooty about Dannii giving the unconfident Rachel a big diva song like Beyoncé’s to sing. It’s diva week, Simon. Stfu.
Whitney says Rachel will be excellent but Clive says the first line should be better. This is vaguely constructive advice and it becomes clear why Clive has been so successful. If you want to be a megastar also just make sure that the first line of whatever wank you sing is good.
The first line of Rachel’s performance is fine (thanks, Clive!) but after that it suffers. Her accent and phrasing is cool but the Sgt Pepper outfit and earthquake hair are not. She’s going for big notes and ignoring the content of the songs. She’s singing a song about a cuckolded woman as a cutesy, love song: bobbing her head, pointing and grinning. Even worse, she is so limited vocally that every big note she mindlessly goes for falls flat. There is no pay off here.
Cheryl says ‘you came out fighting,’ which does not equal ‘you came out and sang well.’ Simon says ‘he liked it’, which does not equal ‘he loved it’ and says he’s frustrated. Dannii says ‘you’ve arrived,’ which does not equal ‘you’re good.’
Rachel’s relegated to the bottom two again. Her performance of With or Without You is her best for ages and better than a lot of the Saturday night ones. Cold is the word to use about her though. When she speaks she seems cold and robotic. When she sings, she does the same basic moves (the yell, the point, the wink) completely irrespective of the song she’s doing. It makes her seem heartless and emotionally unaware and, of course, cold. No wonder the public don’t like her. Joe is creepy and Olly is useless but at least we understand those things. Rachel is a closed book that we wouldn’t want to read if we could anyway.
9. RICKI – ‘Go ricki, go ricki, go ricki’
Ricckiy’s VT covers many topics including his love of his hats, his mother’s love for him and Simon’s hatred of him. Whitney tells him to be better and recommends he knows what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t, Whitney. Also: that’s not advice. Yvie wins the night’s most cool points by saying Respect ‘has so many diva parts to it and that’s why it’s a good song, when it’s good.’ Ha!
The singing is not much better than John & Edward and about a millionth as funny. In fact, the singing is bizarre. The backing singers look great in ball gowns and Ricky looks almost not ugly without the hat but there’s nothing to love here. And that includes the scary-ass high note that comes at the end. Ricci smiles and thinks this is all going well.
Dannii Minogue compares Ricky to Will Young, to which I can only say: Ha! Simon praises Rickkky for his guts but not for his voice. Simon says the performance was uncomfortable and not great. Rik rolls his eyes and brattily talks back to Simon. His card is marked then and a day later Simon gets to eliminate him. After a limp Westlife cover and a whole lot of sulky face, that is.
10. LUCIE – ‘My, my, my, Delilah’
Lucie’s VT tries to repeat the ‘ooh I’ll have to sing and dance at the same time’ drama that Alex was stuck with last year. I also notice how much Lucie looks like a less whorish version of Katherine McPhee. Google it, it’s eerie.
She sings How Will I Know and descends from the sky in a plastic seat shaped like a bubble. Her voice is shrill and the arrangement is cheap. The whole affair is very annoying: she was told last week she wasn’t good enough to sing Leona so the response to this is to sing Whitney? Mindboggling. She yelps and sounds very much in pain. The dancing was fun but John & Edward set the bar for this much higher later in the episode.
Cheryl says she’s not connecting but can dance in heels. The good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad there. Simon reminds her she’s no Whitney and the song choice was stupid. He is however impressed that she’s trying to be younger. How’s that, you ask? Because da yoot love 80s Whitney.
11. LLOYD – ‘Why, why, why, Delilah’
It’s an all-Welsh bottom two on the rankings as Lloyd goes from having the worst vocal to just being the worst. In his VT he is fit and has a nice accent. There is no mention of how dreadful his vocals were last week, and Whitney is full of praise for his tone. This may be a ruse so what comes next comes as more of a surprise.
Yvie says Lloyd is nervous about his song and should be nervous. Ha! I bet Cheryl roughed up Yvie in a toilet once because she’s got no time for the nation’s sweetheart, her boys or her song choices this week.
Lloyd is doing Bleeding Love, using what I assume to be the Jesse McCartney arrangement. There’s a guitar. There’s also a distinct lack of the good singing or the cool production. It works for about two lines but then, again, the singer is far too cheery for what is a bleak song. And also, barely a singer.
Then the chorus kicks in, we lose the guitar, and the world’s cheapest backing track takes over. The tempo is off. The singing is off. He half-attempts some glory notes and fails: destroying our perception of him as a singer, destroying any chance of using subtlety as a get-out-plan.
I’m not saying Lloyd has to hit every note and wail banshee-like like on Leona’s original, but he can’t even sing the word ‘keep’ in the right key. And when the bulk of the song is the words ‘keep keep bleeding’ over and over, that’s a real problem.
Dannii says it was half-hearted and Simon says in his own words ‘be glad you fit, be sad you shit.’ He lambastes the vocal and the song choice and Cheryl’s mentoring. Cheryl starts crying because she knows she fucked this one up. All she has to do with someone like Lloyd until at least week five is have him look good and sound not terrible. She failed. Lloyd leaves the stage to hug her, and Simon pecks her on the cheek, but we can all see and hear that that performance was rubbish.
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